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0:00:13 > 0:00:19- Ladies and gentlemen, here's - your MC for the evening, Dan Thomas.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27- I've had quite a good year.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31- This year - I got a part in my first film.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33- Hooray!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35- Hooray!- - Thank you, those three people.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39- It was a horror film - shot in Llanelli.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44- Make your own jokes. There was - no script, it was all improvised.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- As I said, it was a horror film...
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- ..about witches - killing people in a church.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- The director said, - "Here's what we want you do.
0:00:54 > 0:00:59- "Tell a story about your character - and the scariest thing they saw."
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- I said, "Go on then, get rolling."
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- Alright, here's what happened.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10- I was walking home one night, - it was completely dark.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15- It was terrifying and out of nowhere - I just heard this noise.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- WAILS
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Never found out what it was.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- It was a dog shagging another dog...
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- ..but at the time - I thought it was a witch.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- We have a fantastic evening - of comedy in store for you.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- The next act - used to work in an optician's.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- He gave me an eye test once - and he was very thorough.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04- I'd never had to drop my trousers - and cough before.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- It led to a court case.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- Please welcome Chris Chopping.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- Hello.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- I'm Chris Chopping.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- I'm happy to be here.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36- I'm trying to learn Welsh.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37- Yay!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- You're welcome.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47- What can I say?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- I'm 30 years old.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- I come from England.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- I like meat.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- But I don't like cheese...
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- ..or bread.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- It's only recently...
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- ..that I discovered - what happened to Tryweryn.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- I'm sorry.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- In case there's any doubt - in the room, I really am a learner.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- The slow, stilted delivery - is in no way a stylistic choice.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Will there be ad-libs?
0:03:54 > 0:03:55- No.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- I can't do ad-libs.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- I have a Welsh-speaking friend.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16- She offered to help me learn Welsh.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- I tried to say...
0:04:20 > 0:04:25- .."Thank you, - I want to learn with you."
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- But I said...
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- .."I want to sleep with" by mistake.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- Yes, I do want to sleep with her.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- But I don't want her to know.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- I'm glad you seem to be - enjoying yourselves.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- I'll be honest, - a lot of this is baffling to me.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- I'm not very confident with women.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- When I was single, - I'd go to a club...
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- ..and just have one drink.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- I'd see a girl I fancied...
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- ..I'd say...
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- ..nothing...
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- ..and then hope for the best.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- Thanks.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- You guys seem lovely.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- I only recently did - my first ever Welsh-language gig...
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- ..and it didn't go - particularly well, to be honest.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- I got some pretty nasty heckles.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Presumably.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23- For all I know, they were shouting - out words of encouragement...
0:06:23 > 0:06:27- ..but they weren't wearing - encouraging faces...
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- ..or holding up encouraging fingers.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- Very difficult to imagine - someone going, "Go on, son!
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- "You're not very good but we - all know you're doing your best."
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- And believe me, I've tried.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49- But as I say, - I'm not very confident.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53- My Welsh-speaking friend - doesn't help me.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- I said to him...
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- ..that I was considering - getting contact lenses.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- He said, "OK."
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- "Take off your glasses"...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- ..so I did.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- He said, "No.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- "It doesn't suit you."
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- Think about that for a moment.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- My own unadorned face...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- ..doesn't suit me.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- What chance have I got?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- Just checking to see - how long I've got.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- Doesn't really matter, I've - pretty much run out of Welsh now.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54- Is it alright if I stretch it out - with crowd work?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Yes.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57- Yes.- - OK, OK.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- You.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- You.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- What's your job?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- I have three jobs.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- Mechanic. Tyre job.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- OK, in Welsh, please.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- This is a Welsh-language gig.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- If you do bits in English - it ruins it for everyone.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- I'm going to have to do - someone else now.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40- You.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- Do you like it?
0:08:46 > 0:08:47- You do?
0:08:48 > 0:08:52- Well done. Thanks. There you go, - Welsh-language crowd work nailed.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- I've finished speaking Welsh now.
0:09:12 > 0:09:12- .
0:09:16 > 0:09:16- *
0:09:16 > 0:09:21- Ladies and gentlemen, - please welcome your MC, Dan Thomas.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- Is everyone alright?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31- Is everyone alright?- - Yes!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Good, because this next act isn't.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- He's one of the most unique and - original comedians in the world...
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- ..and neither he nor I have a clue - what's about to happen.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47- Please give a warm welcome and - no sudden moves to Mr Noel James.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- Thank you. Thanks, Dan.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- You're too kind.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- Well, apart from you.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08- Dan said I was unique - but I'm certainly not an eunuch.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- I'm pleased to be - in such a grand theatre.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17- I've been warned that it's unlucky - to mention the Scottish play...
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- ..seeing as this is a theatre.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- I'm not too sure of it. - Mac? Beth will know what it is.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- But my name's Noel.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- It's unusual. - I'm the only Noel in Wales.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- There is one other but he's - the reflection of a man named Leon.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- He's got one hell of a mirror.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- These are jokes, by the way.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- I've been doing a lot of yoga - lately. Lots of yoga.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- I'm hoping I'll become - a yog-ert before too long.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- Not for spiritual - or religious reasons. God, no!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- I don't believe in Buddha...
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- ..though I did in a previous life.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- I was a very different person - back then.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- At the time, - the entire planet was under ice.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- It was a-nice age!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- I lived in Tibet...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- ..and Bet told me...
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- ..that the Himalayas - are seen as the roof of the world.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- I'm going to slate them tonight!
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- The first thing they teach you...
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- ..when you study Buddhism - in the Himalayas is how to levitate.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36- You have to levitate or you'll - never get a signal on your mobile.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- My mother's name was Olive...
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- ..a fitting name considering - her final wish was to be stuffed.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- I'm joking!
0:11:48 > 0:11:52- That wasn't her final wish, - I wanted to give her a surprise.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- I was raised in a colourful league.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- The Welsh League of Youth, - as it happens.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03- When it came to education, - Mam sent me to boarding school.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- It was similar to boarding school - - Bro Edern School.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- When you're a comedian - in South Wales...
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- ..travelling cross country by train - is a real problem...
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- ..because - you have to change in London.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- I don't know why I can't change - in the dressing room.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- I'm lucky to be here. - The show was starting at eight.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- I pulled out of Paddington - at 6.30pm.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- That's the last time - I have sex with a bear.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- I spent half an hour getting - the marmalade out of my shirt.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44- Marmalade and grease - forms precipitate.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- I'm lucky it wasn't Winnie the Pooh.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- As a result I spent most - of the train journey in the toilet.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Every five minutes, - the guard outside'd say...
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- .."No lingering in the vestibule."
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- I don't know how he knew - I was wearing a double vest.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- I felt ill. - I swallowed half a Paracetamol.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12- There I was, with a parasol sticking - out of my neck. I was brollied.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- I pulled the chain - and went to the sink for water...
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- ..and there was no tap.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- Trains are so old fashioned, all - they had was a pump on the floor.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- I began pumping - but no water came out.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- The more I pumped, - the faster the train was travelling.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- Things like that often happen to me.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- I came out of the station and - entered the lost and found office.
0:13:39 > 0:13:44- An old man turned to me and said, - "At last, you've found us!"
0:13:49 > 0:13:54- On my way here I saw a yellow sign - on the road which read "Diversion."
0:13:54 > 0:14:00- I followed it and came to another - yellow sign which read "Detour."
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- It's obvious - there were tour versions!
0:14:07 > 0:14:11- Yes, that's right, choose - which ones you want to laugh at.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- I've a wejen (girlfriend). - A new one.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- Want to see her? - She's with me tonight.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- Here's my wejen.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- She's a bit wooden...
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- ..but I think - she'll open a lot of doors for me.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37- Hey, you should see her brother. - He thinks he's a door.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- He's always rattled!
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- Do you know what, - I miss my old girlfriend.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- She's 92...
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- ..and she's a Northwalian cook.
0:14:48 > 0:14:53- So she's a chef, which explains - why the relationship was half baked.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58- She turned into a feminist - after burning her brasserie.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- The reason we separated...
0:15:04 > 0:15:09- ..was because she said - I was nasty to her every night.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- Not true. All I did - was make her feel more at home.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- Instead of saying goodnight, I'd use - her dialect and say, "Nos dawch."
0:15:17 > 0:15:21- But I was pronouncing it wrongly. - Nos da-hwch. (Goodnight, pig.)
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- Goodnight, pig. Every night.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- She's called Non.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- That's her first name, - her surname is Existent.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- She now - owns a restaurant at Portmeirion.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42- Very posh. The restaurant's called - Y Lle Chwech.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- That's the Northwalian term - for toilet.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- It's not an appropriate name - in my opinion.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- Then again, The Prisoner, Number - Six, was filmed at Portmeirion.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- Who am I to argue with a feminist - who cooks food that tastes of shit?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- Seriously, she's a highbrow chef.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- Luckily, the flames missed her brows - when the brasserie burnt down.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- When I saw her the other day, - I said, "What's for lunch today?"
0:16:10 > 0:16:14- She said, "Quinoa." - I said, I'm quite keen for that.
0:16:18 > 0:16:24- Behind the counter in Portmeirion - she also sells pottery.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- Actually, it's her cousin Anna, - Anna Bolic, who sells it.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- She sells a wide range - of Portmeirion pottery.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- I thought they might also - sell the famous Ewenny pottery.
0:16:37 > 0:16:43- I asked her if she sold it - and she said, "Yes, boy."
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- I found that slightly patronizing.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- She said, - "Yes, we sell Ewenny pottery...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- "..as well as two-a-penny pottery."
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- Misunderstandings.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06- Comedy's ruthless. I did a gig - last week for the Round Table.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- Half the audience - had their backs to me.
0:17:11 > 0:17:16- I used to live in Ford Transit - but I moved to Bedford.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- It's a van after my own heart.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- I'm aware of the fact that I need to - improve my command of Welsh.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31- I've been reading a book called - Cymraeg Da (cows' Welsh)
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- I didn't know cows spoke Welsh.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- I'm looking forward - to the follow up.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- I can learn mooo-re.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Talking of cats...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- ..I have an odd cat at home.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- She likes running around the flat, - spraying.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- She sprays the furniture.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- She's marking her territory, - as they say.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- I wouldn't mind it so much...
0:18:04 > 0:18:08- ..if she didn't do the spraying - using an aerosol can.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- I don't want to see political - graffiti on the back of the sofa.
0:18:13 > 0:18:19- This is what was written on the sofa - today - "What do we want? Cat food.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- "When do we want it? Miaow!"
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- She's a clever cat. - She thinks outside the box.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- Unfortunately, - she shits outside the box too.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- I celebrated St David's Day...
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- ..as a patriotic Welshman...
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- ..by releasing a new book...
0:18:47 > 0:18:51- ..about one of our giants of poetry, - Waldo Williams.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- What you'll find in this book...
0:18:54 > 0:19:00- ..are dozens and dozens of - photographs of strangers' faces...
0:19:00 > 0:19:05- ..and you have to pinpoint - the poet somewhere among the faces.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Yes, Where's Waldo?...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- ..is the name of the project.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- I was once in a pop group.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- I say pop because - we were addicted to soft drinks.
0:19:21 > 0:19:26- The band was called White Stripes. - It was middle-of-the-road music.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- We did Beatles' covers. Everyone - thought we were ahead of our time.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- The drummer - was certainly ahead of time.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- He could only play Mexican rhythm.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- That's why they called us - John, Paul, George and Gringo.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- I'd better play the instrument - I've brought along tonight.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- This instrument comes from...
0:19:53 > 0:19:58- ..a remote planet - outside the milky way.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- That's what the guy - who sold it to me told me, anyway.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- It comes from a planet - covered in sand...
0:20:04 > 0:20:09- ..where they mine - and market a particular spice.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- It's a dangerous job - because whilst mining...
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- ..they have to avoid the huge worms - that live in the sand.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- It's out of dune!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- Never mind.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- I'll have to improvise.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- I tuned the cover earlier.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- MIMICS JAWS THEME TUNE
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- Hands up who gets the joke.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- Well done. Seven of you.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Hands up who doesn't get it.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- Do you get it?
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- I didn't think so because it's - going over your head in a moment.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- Hands up who gets it - but who doesn't find it funny.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20- Hands up who doesn't get it - but liked the delivery.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- OK, hands up who gets it, - who likes it...
0:21:29 > 0:21:34- ..but who would prefer to be at home - watching Young Farmers' sketches.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- It's obvious what it is, isn't it?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- A famous film from the 1970s.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- The Elephant Man.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- Thank you very much.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- Mr Treves...
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- ..don't send me back to Cardiff!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- No!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- I thought you'd gone for a moment.
0:22:22 > 0:22:27- Ladies and gentlemen, it's been - a pleasure being in front of you...
0:22:27 > 0:22:28- ..and your bosoms.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Nos da-hwch. (Goodnight, pig.)
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.
0:22:59 > 0:22:59- .