:00:13. > :00:24.Dear Santa. This year I would like to get a Furbie, a remote control
:00:25. > :00:31.car, a robot puppy, a bike. Dear Santa. I have been good, so I would
:00:32. > :00:40.like to get a Lego set, a scooter, an iPod Touch, a wooden tool kit, an
:00:41. > :00:49.art set. From Jamie to Santa. Monday 16th December, 2013. Dear Santa.
:00:50. > :00:54.This year I want my mum and dad to stop fighting and shouting all the
:00:55. > :00:58.time. This is the story of domestic abuse,
:00:59. > :01:03.of violence going on in households across Scotland, every day, of every
:01:04. > :01:08.week in the year. The stories in this film are spoken by actors. They
:01:09. > :01:11.come from statements and interviews recorded over a two-year period with
:01:12. > :01:17.victims of domestic abuse whose identities need to be protected.
:01:18. > :01:18.They describe behaviour that is unpredictable, erratic, calculating,
:01:19. > :02:43.and sometimes, extremely violent. He seemed like such a charismatic
:02:44. > :02:49.guy. Laid-back, easy to talk to, great in company. I was so desperate
:02:50. > :02:57.to be loved and have a family and this relationship I dream dolls. I
:02:58. > :03:03.felt ashamed at my inability to do normal things. I felt I got
:03:04. > :03:08.everything wrong. Once a sock got jammed in the washing machine. It
:03:09. > :03:12.started to leak and I did not know what to do. He came through and just
:03:13. > :03:19.started screaming in my face on how I had ruined everything. It was the
:03:20. > :03:23.sheer force of his anger that shocked me. I would always try and
:03:24. > :03:27.be there for him, even when he stayed out all night and came home
:03:28. > :03:33.the following day still drunk. He told me he was going to marry me,
:03:34. > :03:44.how much he loved me. I lapped it up, it is what I wanted to hear. I
:03:45. > :03:49.started to meet up with him for coffee. It was OK. He told me how
:03:50. > :04:01.much he loved me and stuff like that. He was like a real Jekyll and
:04:02. > :04:05.Hyde. I mean he was all right when it was just like me and him, but
:04:06. > :04:09.with anybody else coming in he was no, he wasn't having it. If I tried
:04:10. > :04:13.to do anything on my own or with pals or other members of the family
:04:14. > :04:21.he'd just go really mad, slamming doors and storming about. I mean,
:04:22. > :04:24.when you watch the television and you would see all the adverts for
:04:25. > :04:28.domestic abuse, and you used to think to yourself, "God, that must
:04:29. > :04:38.be unbelievable" and you just kind of blank it. I never in my life did
:04:39. > :04:56.I think I would go through that never, nah. No me.
:04:57. > :05:03.I was 16 when I met him, he was a lot older and after about a year my
:05:04. > :05:07.first was born. When I look back things were never great, I knew when
:05:08. > :05:19.I met him he took hash but then it got much more serious. His moods
:05:20. > :05:24.were all over the place. He did nothing in the house or spent any
:05:25. > :05:27.time with me or the baby. Every weekend, the house was always full
:05:28. > :05:31.of his pals, drinking, getting out of their faces and being loud. It
:05:32. > :05:35.didn't make any difference the baby was upstairs asleep. When he wakened
:05:36. > :05:40.with the noise, he'd shout at me to get upstairs to stop him screaming.
:05:41. > :05:49.He never told his pals to leave or keep the noise down. I remember
:05:50. > :05:52.sitting at the top of the stairs with the baby in my arms, sobbing
:05:53. > :06:11.and feeling miserable, hoping that they'd all just leave. At the
:06:12. > :06:19.beginning it was all really good and nice but then right out of the blue
:06:20. > :06:23.it changed. No more Mr Nice Guy. I'd just come home with his second
:06:24. > :06:27.child. He looked at me and told me I was fat, ugly and repulsive, I felt
:06:28. > :06:39.two inches tall. Sometimes I would be stunned by his reaction to
:06:40. > :06:42.certain things. He'd just explode. Both got good jobs, bought a house
:06:43. > :06:46.together, very settled. Then I got pregnant and that was when it really
:06:47. > :06:49.started. Basically he was absolutely horrified. He'd just flipped out and
:06:50. > :06:52.he would start sort off smashing things and start screaming. He was
:06:53. > :06:56.like a Sergeant Major in the army doing parade drill, I mean really,
:06:57. > :06:59.really loud right in your face, two inches away from your face, and
:07:00. > :07:17.other times his voice would go really high and it would be like a
:07:18. > :07:21.two-year-old having a tantrum. He was very jealous. We hardly ever
:07:22. > :07:24.went out, he didn't want to socialise with other people. He was
:07:25. > :07:31.always going on about what I was wearing. He would tell me what to
:07:32. > :07:47.wear. It couldn't be too tight, too flashy or too colourful. I wasn't
:07:48. > :07:52.allowed to speak to anyone. The first thing he would ask me when he
:07:53. > :07:58.came back from work, was who had a spoken to. He was always asking if
:07:59. > :08:09.anyone had said anything about him. I felt so alone, like I was in
:08:10. > :08:13.prison. We'd not long been married and were out at a club with friends.
:08:14. > :08:16.Everyone was in great spirits. My husband comes back from the bar,
:08:17. > :08:20.sits beside me, pulls me in close and whispers in my ear. I thought he
:08:21. > :08:25.was going to say something sexy but instead he puts his fingers into my
:08:26. > :08:32.ribs and says, "I could put a knife in you, right there". I just could
:08:33. > :08:38.not believe what I'd heard. I asked "what did you say"? And he just
:08:39. > :08:42.looks at me with a smirk and says, "nothing, what are you talking
:08:43. > :08:49.about"? I was so shocked that I stayed at my sister's house that
:08:50. > :08:52.night. When he called the next day, he completely denied he'd said
:08:53. > :08:58.anything at all and said I was a psycho and had imagined it. I was so
:08:59. > :09:02.desperate to believe that it was a mistake, so committed to not having
:09:03. > :09:04.a failed marriage after such a short time, and he was so relentless in
:09:05. > :09:45.his denial, that I went back. I had 15 years of obsessive sexual
:09:46. > :09:50.jealousy. I had mistresses round every corner, you know. My clothes
:09:51. > :09:53.drawers were emptied and inspected, my underwear was inspected for
:09:54. > :09:57.evidence, my female friends at work, she was always screaming abuse about
:09:58. > :10:08.how I was screwing them and doing this to them and that to them. Being
:10:09. > :10:13.accused of things I'd never done. The other thing was that she would
:10:14. > :10:16.say to me, "you don't look at your daughters the way a father should".
:10:17. > :10:20.Now you know the implication there. I would have taken a bullet for my
:10:21. > :10:23.kids, I love my kids beyond reason, that was worse than all the
:10:24. > :10:25.violence. The vilest, you know, cruellest thing she could possibly
:10:26. > :10:40.say. It was the silence. Sometimes he
:10:41. > :10:44.wouldn't speak to me for days at a time, he would barely be in the
:10:45. > :10:55.house, wouldn't answer his phone. It was just being on your own all the
:10:56. > :10:59.time, I just felt so lonely. When I was pregnant with our second child I
:11:00. > :11:07.used to work out where he would be at what time and try and intercept
:11:08. > :11:09.his journey. How sad is that? A pregnant woman with her toddler in
:11:10. > :11:13.the pram running around town trying to find her partner just so he would
:11:14. > :11:17.spend some time with her just so she wouldn't be alone all the time. That
:11:18. > :11:32.was how desperate I was, that was how much control he had over me. I'd
:11:33. > :11:36.known him for ages. He had a reputation for being able to look
:11:37. > :11:40.after himself. I knew what he was, that he was a violent man. Violence
:11:41. > :11:43.and fighting was part of our life as well so it's not that you don't know
:11:44. > :11:47.any different. But the alarm bells started to ring when he got jailed
:11:48. > :11:53.for fighting, I knew it must have been serious. But I can stand my own
:11:54. > :12:00.ground, don't get me wrong, you know I'm not any angel. When he got out,
:12:01. > :12:03.everything just went out of control. He's the only person I know that has
:12:04. > :12:10.obsessive compulsive disorder and doesn't do anything in the house,
:12:11. > :12:13.didn't do any of the cleaning. He used to hide stuff, "you've not
:12:14. > :12:16.cleaned underneath the bed for two weeks, I know because that plate's
:12:17. > :12:23.been sitting there for two weeks because I put that plate there". And
:12:24. > :12:34.then he's given me another beating for that.
:12:35. > :12:39.He constantly told me that if he wasn't controlling himself things
:12:40. > :12:43.would be a lot, lot worse, and you know I should give him a lot of
:12:44. > :12:55.credit for controlling his anger with me. I tried not to do anything
:12:56. > :12:59.that would annoy him. But you know he had these expectations of my
:13:00. > :13:11.behaviour and I was always, just always failing, so I ended up
:13:12. > :13:14.feeling really bad about myself. And he, he agreed with that, he was
:13:15. > :13:17.constantly saying to me, "you've got to try. I'm trying, I'm trying to
:13:18. > :13:21.control myself, you're not even trying". And I was constantly
:13:22. > :13:44.failing, you know I could never do it. Once he got violent, he had me
:13:45. > :13:53.under his thumb because you just never knew when it was going to
:13:54. > :13:56.happen. If I went out on my own, he'd just bombard me with text
:13:57. > :14:00.messages, "where are you? Who you with? You better get back soon,
:14:01. > :14:04.bitch". To feel that fear before he comes in, it's horrible to have that
:14:05. > :14:13.knot in your stomach the whole time, on edge, not knowing what to expect.
:14:14. > :14:17.Once he went on and on about his craving for sundried tomatoes and
:14:18. > :14:21.how you could get them fresh from the deli. I remember taking my wee
:14:22. > :14:29.lad in with me to get them and spending time making this lovely
:14:30. > :14:33.meal to welcome him home. When I dished it out he just looked at me
:14:34. > :14:37.with this sinister icy glare and I knew what was coming. He took a
:14:38. > :14:40.mouthful and just spat it back out, shouting that he, "(BLEEP) hated
:14:41. > :14:45.sun-dried tomatoes" and that I had ruined the meal. He got up and left
:14:46. > :14:56.shouting that he'd get better food at a take-away. I'm sat there at the
:14:57. > :15:00.table, angry, frustrated and hurt with my infant son in tears,
:15:01. > :15:17.confused and afraid. I realise now he set me up like this all the time.
:15:18. > :15:21.When my daughter was born, he never turned up at the hospital and that
:15:22. > :15:26.will never leave me. When I got home with the baby he was in his bed and
:15:27. > :15:36.the place was in a mess, a complete tip. I had to gut the house after
:15:37. > :15:49.just getting home with a new baby, not to mention just having giving
:15:50. > :15:53.birth. Things got worse. He just wanted his family around so he could
:15:54. > :15:56.make me look bad to them so I always got the blame when things went
:15:57. > :16:01.wrong. Having two kids, a drug-dependent partner and no money,
:16:02. > :16:02.things ran out. I had to borrow from his mum while he made out he was
:16:03. > :16:16.perfect. I got really depressed. I remember
:16:17. > :16:24.going up to my mum's one day, the kids went in and I just lay down on
:16:25. > :16:27.the trampoline in the back garden. Staring at the sky and wondering how
:16:28. > :17:13.I was going to get out of this mess. I hadn't even got my coat off and my
:17:14. > :17:19.bag was thrown down on the floor. He dragged me into the bedroom and shut
:17:20. > :17:23.the door. The blinds were down. He threw me backwards onto the bed. He
:17:24. > :17:26.had his hands round my neck there and he just basically started
:17:27. > :17:39.punching me about. That went on all afternoon. I knew I really had to
:17:40. > :17:43.get out of there. Then he says, "the only way you'll get out of here
:17:44. > :17:52.alive is if I have some assurances that you're coming back". What else
:17:53. > :17:59.could I say but yes. So he opened the door and I was like, "oh my
:18:00. > :18:07.God". I couldnae walk, my legs were just jelly and shaking inside
:18:08. > :18:22.uncontrollably. But I thought, "no I cannae let him see that I'm like
:18:23. > :18:28.that, I have to get away from here". II still get the flashbacks. The
:18:29. > :18:33.fear is, I mean it just fills you with anxiety. Even now when I get
:18:34. > :18:43.into my car I still put the light on just to make sure there's nobody in
:18:44. > :18:50.the back. He would go into a rage when we drove anywhere. He was often
:18:51. > :18:54.tense setting off and soon enough would snap at something I said. He
:18:55. > :18:57.was shouting and screaming and flailing around and punching the
:18:58. > :19:05.roof and dashboard and punching me, whether he was driving or I was. I
:19:06. > :19:07.remember the panic rising in my throat and beginning to scream, but
:19:08. > :19:23.smothering the scream so it came out as a small cry. I'd be pleading with
:19:24. > :19:36.him to stop the car, please, please, please. It was like a parody of a
:19:37. > :19:49.crazy man. Only it wasn't a parody. The children would be crying in the
:19:50. > :19:51.back. Or, as they got older, silent and white-faced and meeting my eyes
:19:52. > :20:16.with blank stares. I'll kill myself if he doesn't kill
:20:17. > :20:20.me, I thought, no, that's it, no more violence, now I've got to
:20:21. > :20:25.protect me and my son. I have to leave. He'd come in drunk, calling
:20:26. > :20:30.me a cow then he'd hit me. So, so many nights and I'm thinking, "why
:20:31. > :20:34.me"? He wouldn't accept that we were finished. One day I saw him standing
:20:35. > :20:44.in the garden watching me. Staring, not moving, just staring straight at
:20:45. > :20:48.me. It was really scary. I've woken up on many occasions with his hands
:20:49. > :20:52.round my throat telling me he was going to choke me. You know I've had
:20:53. > :20:56.elbows in my face where I've been lying in my bed and he's just went
:20:57. > :21:02."whack" like that for no reason at all, just watching the telly "whack"
:21:03. > :21:14.like that. "What was that for"? "Because I felt like it, you're
:21:15. > :21:19.kissing me off". I couldn't get out of it basically, if I had left I
:21:20. > :21:23.don't think I would have been here. There's been many, many occasions
:21:24. > :21:26.where, I mean he's a drunk as well and he's quite a violent drunk at
:21:27. > :21:35.times, he's actually plotted how he would dispose of me. "I could just
:21:36. > :21:39.bury you in the concrete and nobody could find you". Well for him this
:21:40. > :21:53.was just a passing comment but I believed him you know because he was
:21:54. > :21:57.a very violent man. She would sort of rain punches down and she would
:21:58. > :22:01.you know get two fistfuls of my hair and she'd get my ears and you know
:22:02. > :22:06.as if she was trying to wrench them out of their sockets. I didn't have
:22:07. > :22:10.fear of being physically damaged seriously you know, it was more, it
:22:11. > :22:13.was more a feeling of just being completely lost in this nightmare
:22:14. > :22:29.you know from which there was no escape because I couldn't bear to
:22:30. > :22:39.leave my children behind, you know. Of which there was no escape. I
:22:40. > :22:43.could not bear to leave my kids. Often in the middle of an episode,
:22:44. > :22:47.if I wasn?t being totally submissive, he'd scream at me, "you
:22:48. > :22:51.make me want to put my head through that window and end it all". He'd
:22:52. > :23:02.threaten to do this if I didn?t say sorry and totally grovel trying to
:23:03. > :23:06.calm him down. This is hard to explain. He?d learned that
:23:07. > :23:11.threatening me would result in the police getting involved and he would
:23:12. > :23:14.have lost me as his victim. But threatening himself, meant he could
:23:15. > :23:16.totally control me in exactly the same way with no repercussions for
:23:17. > :23:55.him. I left him because I couldn't hide
:23:56. > :24:01.the abuse from my kids any longer. One morning we'd been arguing in
:24:02. > :24:05.bed. He told me he was going to punch me in my (BLEEP) face if I
:24:06. > :24:14.didn't tell him the truth. The truth about what? I didn't know because
:24:15. > :24:19.whatever I said was a lie anyway. But it was hard to leave. This
:24:20. > :24:22.monster was also a man some of the time, a Jekyll and Hyde character,
:24:23. > :24:27.good cop, bad cop. It was very confusing and by that stage I had
:24:28. > :24:31.become a shell of a person. I felt like I was just an outline of a
:24:32. > :24:44.person, an outline that would be erased too.
:24:45. > :24:50.We were together for 15 years and the truth is that the abuse started
:24:51. > :24:54.after about six months. But who could I tell? I was trying to bring
:24:55. > :25:00.up a family. I wasn't allowed contact with my family, I had no
:25:01. > :25:04.friends when I came up here. And who would have believed me if I told
:25:05. > :25:08.them that I had been chased with a hammer, or that he said he wanted to
:25:09. > :25:21.kill me, or that he tried to strangle me? We left him last year
:25:22. > :25:25.and the relationship is definitely over but he won't accept it. He used
:25:26. > :25:36.to see the children elsewhere but that changed and he started coming
:25:37. > :25:38.here. It wasn't too bad at first. I didn't want to rock the boat and say
:25:39. > :25:55.he couldn't, but its awful now. Her behaviour was so extreme but it
:25:56. > :25:59.was difficult to walk away. She was violent but she was also ill. I knew
:26:00. > :26:03.that, and I would be walking away from someone who needed me. And I
:26:04. > :26:07.was the only one that was getting this treatment because she never
:26:08. > :26:10.abused the children. So I thought, "what'll happen if I'm not here"?
:26:11. > :26:14.Because in a sense I seemed to be drawing the fire. What would happen
:26:15. > :26:18.to this rage that was inside her? Would it be redirected at one of my
:26:19. > :26:29.daughters? I had that fear and I knew that it would be difficult
:26:30. > :26:35.enough to leave my kids. I knew that I was in an abusive
:26:36. > :26:43.marriage and I had to get out of it. But I couldn't see how to get from A
:26:44. > :26:51.to B. I was desperate, unhappy, confused, scared and... He did
:26:52. > :26:54.everything that he could to try and prevent it you know, including just
:26:55. > :27:01.deliberately using force and scaring me and threatening me. I was scared
:27:02. > :27:08.that he would do something really stupid, and I had to trust that that
:27:09. > :27:12.would not happen. I had to overcome that fear because if I didn't then
:27:13. > :27:50.there was no way anything was ever going to change.
:27:51. > :27:54.In the time that you have watched this programme, at least three
:27:55. > :27:58.people across Scotland have reported incidents of domestic abuse to the
:27:59. > :28:01.police. One could be your relative, your friend, your neighbour? or
:28:02. > :28:07.perhaps it might be you.