:00:13. > :00:19.Now it is time for HARDtalk. My guest today has tested his
:00:19. > :00:23.physical powers to the edge of destruction. James Cracknell is a
:00:23. > :00:28.former Olympic rowing champion who has performed an astonishing feats
:00:28. > :00:33.of endurance across oceans, desert and ice sheets. His toughest
:00:33. > :00:38.challenge came by accident, not design. Two years ago his skull was
:00:38. > :00:43.smashed by a truck as he cycled across America. He survived, his
:00:43. > :00:53.body healed but his brain suffered significant damage. How has this
:00:53. > :01:14.
:01:14. > :01:20.extreme athlete coped with the James Cracknell, welcome to
:01:20. > :01:24.HARDtalk. The IQ. I think we have to begin with that fateful event in
:01:24. > :01:29.Arizona more than two years ago when you were on your bike, you
:01:29. > :01:36.would hit by a massive truck, it smashed your skull. Looking back
:01:37. > :01:43.now, do you feel that that event irrevocably changed your life?
:01:43. > :01:47.did, no question. -- no question that it has. It is difficult for
:01:47. > :01:55.people to see from the outside because brain injuries are not
:01:55. > :02:00.something you come across, fortunately, very often. What I am
:02:00. > :02:06.left with is far removed from that. It is an exaggeration of the
:02:06. > :02:13.challenges people face: Holding a family together, reacting in a way
:02:13. > :02:17.that is predictable, not getting frustrated. My wife says I am not
:02:17. > :02:22.the man she married. That is something that you have to cope
:02:22. > :02:32.with. She says it as bluntly as that? You, James Cracknell, are not
:02:32. > :02:34.
:02:34. > :02:38.quite the same man that she met and married. She does. It has been hard.
:02:38. > :02:48.People don't really know what to expect from brain damage. They
:02:48. > :02:53.either Steer clear of it. You are different from before. I have made
:02:53. > :02:58.improvement. From the start, people would skirt around it was say I
:02:58. > :03:07.look well when clearly they did not think so. Best has always been the
:03:07. > :03:12.toughest person to ask me the tough questions. -- Beth. It has helped
:03:12. > :03:16.me get to where I am but it has meant that home has not been the
:03:16. > :03:21.sanctuary I have wanted. I want to speak more about your home but I
:03:21. > :03:26.also want to ask how you can judge your recovery yourself. There are
:03:26. > :03:31.some tangible things. You have lost your senses of smell and taste. You
:03:31. > :03:36.can measure your memory to a certain extent. Your personality,
:03:36. > :03:39.the way you respond to other people, social situations, the shortness of
:03:39. > :03:44.your temper, that is difficult to know yourself how much you have
:03:44. > :03:54.changed. Absolutely. It has required a lot of thought and
:03:54. > :03:55.
:03:55. > :04:00.effort on my part to work out what is maybe Amy -- me being me or me
:04:00. > :04:05.behaving as a damage -- as a result of the damage to my brain. I have
:04:05. > :04:12.to put in place a strategy to deal with that. By has bought two
:04:12. > :04:21.psychologists, neurologist's. -- I have spoke to. I am looking at what
:04:22. > :04:26.my old characteristics are. If it isn't me being annoyed or situation
:04:26. > :04:33.is getting on top of me because of the injury and then having to take
:04:33. > :04:38.a kind of time out. -- if it is me. To help me and the audience pick
:04:38. > :04:46.away at who you where and who you are now, let's go back to before
:04:46. > :04:51.July, 2010. Before the accident. Let's think about who you were.
:04:51. > :04:56.This immense competitive urge that you had. I know it came out as a
:04:56. > :05:00.schoolboy rower, through preparation for Olympics and beyond.
:05:01. > :05:09.You have always, it seems to me, been somewhat addicted to pushing
:05:09. > :05:14.your physical limits. I wonder how that came about. In terms of the
:05:14. > :05:19.sport, rowing, I found it very difficult -- different from rugby,
:05:20. > :05:26.football and cricket, the three big sports in the UK. You're always
:05:26. > :05:31.doing something, for one. Cricket, a lot of time standing around. You
:05:31. > :05:35.are always doing something. No one person in the team is more
:05:35. > :05:39.important than anyone else. In football, there are a couple of
:05:39. > :05:44.people in the team that you give the ball too. The same with the
:05:44. > :05:48.best bowler were the best batsman, you rely on them. In rowing, you
:05:48. > :05:53.are doing the same thing at the same time. You put the effort in
:05:54. > :05:58.and you get the result you deserve. In rowing, you could find it easy
:05:58. > :06:04.measure of durability and the talent. For you, that took you all
:06:04. > :06:10.the way to the Olympic gold. -- your ability. Then, like any
:06:10. > :06:15.athlete who ages, you have to think about what comes next. That is
:06:15. > :06:19.where I am fascinated. You continued to strive to find ways of
:06:19. > :06:29.pushing yourself to physical extremes. But that was not in a
:06:29. > :06:34.rowing boat, it was somehow. -- if it was not. Olympic sports, by that
:06:34. > :06:39.I mean, I mean yes, we are the Olympic champions every year, but
:06:39. > :06:46.the Olympics are the pinnacle and you do not make a living of Rohan.
:06:46. > :06:52.You pursue a life on hold. -- a living from rowing. People ask what
:06:52. > :06:59.the ideal age is for a roar. When do you want to get a house? As a
:06:59. > :07:05.footballer, you learn so much a week that you don't have that
:07:05. > :07:09.decision. It is controlled by market forces. Not many people find
:07:09. > :07:15.some sports are as interesting as the ball. You do not have the same
:07:15. > :07:20.awards. Thinking of the race to the South Pole but you undertake, which
:07:20. > :07:24.frankly almost did for you, and rowing across the Atlantic, which
:07:24. > :07:30.was pure agony like you have not experienced before, did you do that
:07:30. > :07:34.because that was a way of using your physical gifts in a way that
:07:34. > :07:41.would turn you into being a unique star? It is nothing I have ever
:07:41. > :07:47.done before for coverage outside. From Ali, I did it for two reasons.
:07:47. > :07:57.-- Premat relief. I had done the same thing from the age of 18 to
:07:57. > :08:01.the age of 32. We used to train seven days a week. And they have
:08:01. > :08:07.won the off. You knew you would do that for four ears. -- and then
:08:07. > :08:14.have one day off. You would do that for four years. It takes two years
:08:14. > :08:18.to retire. I was told to raise the Olympics in August and then have
:08:18. > :08:22.September off and start training in October. That is when you next four
:08:22. > :08:29.years will start. You do not get your head around retiring by
:08:29. > :08:35.October. It takes more than one month. Therefore, you have got two
:08:35. > :08:41.years before you don't look at your sport in the same way, thinking "I
:08:41. > :08:45.could do that." You need to not look at results and think you could
:08:45. > :08:52.do that. I had the world record for ten years. We were broken at the
:08:52. > :08:57.London Olympics. It was set in 2002. For some part of it, I knew my best
:08:57. > :09:00.would be good enough. I was still good enough to win. There is always
:09:00. > :09:05.that temptation to go back. You need to do something else to
:09:05. > :09:11.challenge yourself in a different way. Once you do stop, even if it
:09:11. > :09:15.is only within those two years, for the first time in a decade or more,
:09:15. > :09:23.I didn't have a goal to focus on. Right across the Atlantic was a
:09:23. > :09:31.goal to focus on. That brings us back to July, 2010. You had to make
:09:31. > :09:35.children. You had two young children. At the time of her
:09:35. > :09:41.accident, your wife was about to discover she was pregnant with your
:09:41. > :09:48.third child. There you are one life support, hanging between life and
:09:48. > :09:55.death in Arizona. You had a terrible accident. When you begin
:09:55. > :10:05.to recover, I just wonder whether it was plain to you that you had to
:10:05. > :10:09.
:10:09. > :10:18.end this obsessional pursuit of athletic challenge? In terms of my
:10:19. > :10:23.wife and died before, and nothing I did after the Olympics was costing
:10:23. > :10:29.the family in terms of career or money or anything else. I had been
:10:29. > :10:36.lucky enough to get to the situation where my obsession or
:10:36. > :10:42.hobby was also my job. That is the ideal situation in terms if
:10:42. > :10:52.anyone's dreams. What they enjoy doing, they can make a living off.
:10:52. > :10:54.
:10:54. > :10:58.Then I realised... Had none. It is important to everyone. Both she and
:10:58. > :11:02.you have written very movingly about the long road to recovery.
:11:02. > :11:12.She has described her blazing anger when you first told her that you're
:11:12. > :11:15.
:11:15. > :11:21.going to get on a bike again, for example. There was a big difference
:11:21. > :11:30.between what she wanted me to do and what I wanted to do. I would
:11:30. > :11:34.not have suggested I was going to get back on my bike straight away.
:11:34. > :11:41.I wanted to go back to doing something because I felt my
:11:41. > :11:46.decisions weren't trusted after what happened in America. My
:11:46. > :11:51.ability to make the right decision at the right time was not trusted.
:11:51. > :11:55.That was entirely understandable, wasn't it? Not really. I had taken
:11:55. > :12:00.myself off the road the night before. I felt it was too windy and
:12:00. > :12:04.there was being blown across the road. I started again when the wind
:12:04. > :12:09.died down and I got hit from behind on a public highway. That can
:12:09. > :12:13.happen to anyone at any time. If it had been in an isolated region of
:12:13. > :12:18.the world and it had been my decision, I could understand that
:12:18. > :12:28.mistrust. I felt that after the accident, my decisions were
:12:28. > :12:29.
:12:29. > :12:34.With respect, and I am delving into deep private issues, but you have
:12:34. > :12:38.chosen to write about them, but what I have learned from Emily's
:12:38. > :12:42.account is that she didn't trust you and didn't see you in the same
:12:42. > :12:47.way after the accident not necessarily because she didn't
:12:47. > :12:55.trust -- didn't want to see you going on the back so quickly, but
:12:55. > :12:59.because she saw you weren't fathering your children in the way
:12:59. > :13:04.you had before. She felt you were being very unfair to your eldest
:13:04. > :13:13.boy, shouting at him, treating him with a temper that she found
:13:13. > :13:21.utterly unacceptable. Yes, and looking back, so do I. I never
:13:21. > :13:26.smack him, I never have smacked him. But what made it the hard for him
:13:26. > :13:31.was unpredictability. All children leave -- need a level of
:13:31. > :13:41.predictability. And getting angry about different things. This is
:13:41. > :13:42.
:13:42. > :13:47.what neurologists say. You become more of you when you have a brain
:13:47. > :13:51.in this -- injury. Your habits and personal traits become stronger. I
:13:51. > :13:57.always had a problem with him talking with his mouth full. But
:13:57. > :14:02.that and then became a big issue at mealtimes. We would struggle to sit
:14:02. > :14:06.together at the table. Things like that were not fair on him. For six
:14:06. > :14:12.years of his life, he had one father, and for the last three
:14:12. > :14:17.years, he had another dad. I am different now from what I was 18
:14:17. > :14:23.months ago, but there was a chasm that developed between us, which I
:14:23. > :14:27.am slowly building a bridge across. But if I let that go, he will never
:14:27. > :14:34.come back. At the same time, you are struggling to maintain and
:14:34. > :14:38.nurture the relationship with a wife, who, frankly, is going
:14:38. > :14:43.through a terrible amount of pain because what you are showing her
:14:43. > :14:48.about your changes. One account she has written about a time when she
:14:48. > :14:53.argued with you about the way you were handling your eldest boy. You
:14:53. > :14:59.both had an argument. She wrote: James grabs me around the neck,
:14:59. > :15:04.holds me down on the bed, tightens his grip until I cannot freeze. For
:15:04. > :15:10.a moment, I generally believe he might kill me. I pray a flicker of
:15:10. > :15:15.empathy will ignite behind his deadened eyes. Finally, he lets me
:15:15. > :15:20.go up and I grabbed the phone and lock myself in the bathroom. That
:15:20. > :15:26.is horrible reading that. The one thing we said when we wrote this
:15:26. > :15:31.book is that we would write it separately. And we would not censor
:15:31. > :15:39.what either one of us said. Because we want to help people out. When
:15:39. > :15:45.you first saw what Beverley had written, what was your reaction?
:15:45. > :15:52.I cannot remember that night. There are certain things... My day-to-day
:15:52. > :15:58.memory has improved massively over the 2.5 years since the accident,
:15:58. > :16:02.so I can't remember that. I can remember her sister coming around.
:16:02. > :16:08.When she was on the phone, she called her sister, and she came
:16:08. > :16:16.around, but I can't remember what she said. But Beverley said... In
:16:16. > :16:22.the end, she said, it is not due. That is not to leave. It has never
:16:22. > :16:28.happen before or since. But to make someone I unconditionally loved
:16:28. > :16:33.feel like that - regularly - whether it is from a situation like
:16:33. > :16:39.that or if it is from arguments or my youngest boy from arguments and
:16:39. > :16:47.feeling like there is a different father, it is really horrible. I
:16:47. > :16:55.cannot ever condone or forgive myself for that. And part of it is
:16:55. > :16:59.because I look in the mirror and I see the same person. I hadn't
:16:59. > :17:09.approach to the rehabilitation therapy in the right way. I hadn't
:17:09. > :17:10.
:17:10. > :17:14.committed to it in the way that I needed to. And I thought I was OK.
:17:14. > :17:18.The world looked the same through my eyes, it was just that people
:17:18. > :17:23.were treating me differently. And that was hard for me to come to
:17:23. > :17:27.terms with. You have had counselling and you have had
:17:27. > :17:37.therapy. But are you ever frightened by yourself and what you
:17:37. > :17:39.
:17:39. > :17:44.might do? No, I don't get frightened by my behaviour. Because
:17:45. > :17:49.I know that there are certain things that I do need to do. I have
:17:49. > :17:54.had a couple of seizures since the accident, which are horrendous for
:17:54. > :18:00.people who are with me, have horrendous effects on the family.
:18:00. > :18:10.Because after every seizure, I can't drive for a year. I wake up
:18:10. > :18:11.
:18:11. > :18:17.in hospital. I had one at home and it was 1.5 years after the accident
:18:17. > :18:27.and although angry and different at times, I am still his father, and
:18:27. > :18:27.
:18:27. > :18:32.suddenly, my boy was back by my bedside in hospital. And to be
:18:33. > :18:38.honest, I have no memory of the seven weeks after the accident. And
:18:38. > :18:43.if so when I come round and begin to remember things being day today,
:18:43. > :18:50.they become all normalised to might be different. They had become used
:18:50. > :18:54.to it. But after the first seizure, it was very different. I can
:18:54. > :18:58.remember off to the seizure and I can remember coming around in
:18:58. > :19:05.hospital, but seeing the difference in my boy, he was suddenly back in
:19:05. > :19:10.that place, it was horrible. And I know that if I don't rest, I am
:19:10. > :19:15.more likely to have a seizure. sounds like you are more self-aware
:19:15. > :19:21.and you have ever be because you have been forced to learn an awful
:19:21. > :19:26.lot about yourself and literally the way your brain works. I don't
:19:26. > :19:33.want to sound like a pop psychologist, but that has -- has
:19:33. > :19:37.that enabled you to find a new meaning in your life? You said you
:19:37. > :19:41.used to find meaning from physical tests and proving yourself. Have
:19:41. > :19:46.you found a new way of finding meaning? Interesting that you say
:19:46. > :19:52.that you don't want to sound like a pop psychologist, but that is what
:19:52. > :19:57.Beverley, my wife, my parents, are all having to do because they are
:19:57. > :20:02.having to see me on a regular basis and make judgments. And if they are
:20:02. > :20:07.not prepared to be honest with you, it will be a real problem for you
:20:07. > :20:11.and anyone else to be, and they are going to have to make those pop
:20:11. > :20:16.psychologist decisions on what their gut instincts are. I would
:20:16. > :20:23.much rather be told to my face than for them to go back to their
:20:23. > :20:29.partner and say, oh, he was a bit funny today, but you are right -
:20:29. > :20:36.this has given me a new perspective. Sport was very easy. And that is
:20:36. > :20:41.what I have realised. You're basically doing sport full-time,
:20:41. > :20:46.exactly what a 16-year-old boy would love to be doing, you are
:20:46. > :20:51.judged only on the results from the sport. Outside of sport, you are
:20:51. > :20:56.judged differently. Having now had a brain injury and an accident, you
:20:56. > :21:04.are judged differently again. success and failure are much more
:21:04. > :21:09.complicated in a life that is no longer governed by sport. In a way,
:21:09. > :21:14.you are right. And what success and failure looks like is nothing that
:21:14. > :21:19.I would have considered before. You leave the hospital and they say
:21:19. > :21:24.that seven out of ten people with a brain injury get divorced. So a
:21:24. > :21:31.measure of success would be the in a statistical anomaly rather than
:21:31. > :21:37.conforming to this 70% or 80% of people who split up. I don't want
:21:37. > :21:41.to have to see my children every other week for one day or two.
:21:41. > :21:48.is where your absolute, fundamental meaning lies, I sense. Building
:21:48. > :21:55.those bridges and making it work. Yes. I was 24 hours away from never
:21:55. > :21:59.seeing them again. At times, they may wish they never see me again
:22:00. > :22:03.but they do not want to be in a situation where I don't see them
:22:03. > :22:08.again and that is crucial on every level.
:22:08. > :22:14.Do you have any plans to go back on the road and to take another
:22:14. > :22:21.endurance test or try to prove yourself again in a physical way?
:22:21. > :22:31.In terms of proving myself physically, it was never about...
:22:31. > :22:31.
:22:31. > :22:35.It was different environments. Water, icy conditions, the desert.
:22:35. > :22:43.But I was lucky I started off in a different place of not having to do
:22:43. > :22:52.so much because I have already done the hard work. In terms of what the
:22:52. > :23:02.future holds and proving myself in certain ways, the challenge of what
:23:02. > :23:03.
:23:03. > :23:08.I am left with now - slightly exaggerated - it is being married
:23:08. > :23:13.and raising three children. That has got to be one of the hardest
:23:13. > :23:19.things we all do. There is not enough time in the day and that is
:23:19. > :23:23.one of the things I struggle with, now. Making a success of these
:23:23. > :23:29.basic building blocks will give me the platform to do whatever I
:23:29. > :23:33.choose to do and what I choose to do will be discussed as a family.
:23:33. > :23:39.But what I have noticed since the accident, and many people will be
:23:39. > :23:46.able to relate, is that people impose ceilings on where you will
:23:46. > :23:51.be able to get to. If you listen to those limitations, whether it is a
:23:51. > :23:56.psychologist or a neurologist, if they say you are only going to be