0:00:02 > 0:00:05Being a Muslim woman in Britain isn't easy.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Sometimes it feels like everyone has an opinion
0:00:09 > 0:00:11on how you should live your life.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15On Instagram, every day, there will be someone who will comment
0:00:15 > 0:00:17and say, "Oh, you're this, that and the other,
0:00:17 > 0:00:19"because you don't wear a hijab."
0:00:19 > 0:00:24My name is Mehreen Baig, I'm 28, unmarried, and a Muslim.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26- Mehreen.- Yes?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28You've been upstairs all day.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30I want you downstairs now to eat with me.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Now, I'm at a crossroads, struggling for independence from my parents...
0:00:35 > 0:00:37My profile is complete.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40..and anxious about the prospects of marriage.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm looking for someone who's not going to try
0:00:43 > 0:00:45and act like my third parent.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- I don't know what you fancy... - I don't mind, actually.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51..besides me. I'm joking!
0:00:51 > 0:00:52That's not a bad starter.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54But what does my religion really say
0:00:54 > 0:00:56about my rights as a woman?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58The wife must obey her husband.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03In this programme, I'm going to meet some women who can all tell me
0:01:03 > 0:01:07something different about the struggle to balance being a modern
0:01:07 > 0:01:09British woman and a Muslim.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I thought I knew what makes a good Muslim woman.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I don't even know any more.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And I hope they can help me resolve some of the dilemmas I'm facing.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19You moved out of home and live by yourself?
0:01:19 > 0:01:20- Yeah.- That's amazing.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22I wouldn't... I'm not allowed to do that.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25See, but that... But, like, that's a cultural thing.
0:01:25 > 0:01:30Can I be a strong, independent woman and a good Muslim?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Or does Islam not give me that right?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38This programme contains some strong language.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I think of myself as a modern, career-focused woman.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I trained as a teacher, and for the past five years,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I worked at a comprehensive school in Tottenham.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58I always thought being a good person means that I'm a good Muslim.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00I pray every day, I fast.
0:02:01 > 0:02:07The biggest conflict I face between practising my religion
0:02:07 > 0:02:11and living my Western life...
0:02:12 > 0:02:14..is clothing.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I get, you know, really positive support
0:02:16 > 0:02:18on my social media and stuff,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20but the few times when people will try and point a finger at me and
0:02:20 > 0:02:23tell me I'm a bad Muslim, what are they going to pick on?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25They're going to pick on the way I dress.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27If that's the worst thing you can pick about me as a person and me as
0:02:27 > 0:02:29a Muslim, I'm quite happy with that.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37I may come across as self-confident and outgoing, but I still live at
0:02:37 > 0:02:38home with my parents.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40That's it.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Be my assistant for a while.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43I'm a good assistant, Dad.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48- I know you are.- I've been brought up in a traditional Pakistani family.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53The heritage and culture they've given me are hugely important to me.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55And I can't imagine life without them.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59How do you do this? I don't even know this.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02But, living this way has its frustrations.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04As in many Pakistani families,
0:03:04 > 0:03:09in practice, it means my dad lays down the rules for my life.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Have I put any...
0:03:10 > 0:03:16You tell me... Unfair restrictions on you since the time you grew up?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I don't think you put any unfair restrictions.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24But, now, you still...
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- ..will call us. - I'm very protective...
0:03:27 > 0:03:28You're very protective.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31..about my children, my family, yes, that's true.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33And sometimes, at 28, if you go out,
0:03:33 > 0:03:34you don't want to get a phone call at 10pm.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37You feel 28. I think you're 18, Mehreen.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40In my books, if I'm 39, you cannot be 28.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I know, but even though you don't want to get older...
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Oh, my God. Nuisance child.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48But, like, you are still overprotective.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I am, I am. That's the way I am.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53But what boundaries did I ever push? I never pushed any boundaries.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Yeah, you go on trips with your friends.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58You know, you go on parties.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- And you go on this.- But I always tell you where I'm going.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- Always.- But I'm not happy with that.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05I think you should be restricted.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06There's certain rules.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09You should be back by eight. You come back by midnight.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11That's not good. I should be back by eight?
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Yes. Eight or 8.30 maximum, if it's winter, even.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16And would you say the same...?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Summer, you should be back by ten, that's OK with me.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Would you say the same thing to your son?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Does your son need to be back by eight?
0:04:22 > 0:04:23My son is a married man.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- He's independent now. - So if I was married, then it's OK?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Yeah, of course, then it's the duty of your husband to look after you.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36I love my dad and respect everything he has done for me,
0:04:36 > 0:04:39but sometimes his rules drive me crazy.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43He says they're Islamic, but I want to know how true that really is.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48A lot of the time, when you're growing up, you are told, you know,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51you can do this, you can't do this, and you just accept it.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53And you don't question where it came from, what's the source,
0:04:53 > 0:04:57why are we being asked to do this.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I used to pray because I used to watch Mum pray.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I knew as much about my religion as my parents had told me.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04They were my main source of information.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I think this journey's really important cos we need to discover
0:05:09 > 0:05:11what makes a good Muslim woman.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15End blasphemy laws today! End blasphemy laws today!
0:05:18 > 0:05:22First, I want to meet someone who, like me, has been brought up in a
0:05:22 > 0:05:25British Pakistani family but has decided to take
0:05:25 > 0:05:27a very different path.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34At a protest in London against Pakistan's strict interpretation of
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Islamic laws, I'm meeting Sadia,
0:05:36 > 0:05:41who's taken the radical step of leaving the faith altogether.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43This is just a mini version of the Koran.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48For Muslims, the Koran is the literal word of God
0:05:48 > 0:05:49and must be obeyed.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52But there are also the associated Hadiths,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54the sayings and doings of the Prophet Muhammad
0:05:54 > 0:05:56which are more open to interpretation.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01It was questioning what these different religious texts said about
0:06:01 > 0:06:06her rights as a woman that led Sadia to a crisis of faith.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10At 19, when I was engaged for a short period of time...
0:06:10 > 0:06:11- That's very young.- Yeah.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- Yeah.- Yeah, very young.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18I knew that I'd have to become quite religious to be able to make that
0:06:18 > 0:06:20marriage work.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I started to research more, I started to read more.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I used to be in a niqab at one point.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Oh, my God, wait. OK, wait, mind blown.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28- And you were full niqabi. - Yeah, full niqabi.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Oh, my God.- Like, completely.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Did you, like, research lots before you started wearing it,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34about the women's dress code in Islam?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I read books. I read the Koran, I read the Hadith,
0:06:37 > 0:06:42I read books about women's position and the advice given to women about
0:06:42 > 0:06:46their dress. And because it said that I had to cover,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48that's exactly what I did.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Does it say you have to cover everything except for your eyes?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54No. So, you cover your hair, that's mandatory.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- Covering your face isn't. - Is it mandatory to cover your head?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58That's something that comes up a lot.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03So, obviously, like the general consensus is you have to cover your
0:07:03 > 0:07:05hair, but then some people say, that's in the Hadith,
0:07:05 > 0:07:09but if you read the Koran, it says you need to cover your upper area,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- your chest.- Boobs and stuff.- Yeah.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Even if we entertain the thought that we don't have to cover our
0:07:15 > 0:07:19hair, but we have to cover everything else, erm,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22men only have to cover from their...
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Navel to their knee. I found that the other day.
0:07:26 > 0:07:32Was there a particular, you know, moment or event that you thought,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35you know, "That's the final straw, I can't be a Muslim any more"?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Do you know about the wife-beating verse in the Koran?
0:07:39 > 0:07:40You don't know about this?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I read it the other day. There's something...
0:07:43 > 0:07:47If a woman is adulterous, you can beat her lightly.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- Is that what you're referring to? - Yeah, this is it.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51And what the fuck does lightly mean?
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Like, if somebody says to me that he can beat me with a stick...
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- Yeah.- ..but I can't beat him at all, that's not fucking equality.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00- No.- Far from it.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Of course, it gives you, like, the tools, essentially.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06As in you can pick out whatever, you can pick out that statement,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08you can pick out whatever statement you like,
0:08:08 > 0:08:10and use it to your advantage.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14But that's not the religion's fault. That's humans being arseholes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18So they say that if your husband wants to have sex,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20and you turn him down,
0:08:20 > 0:08:24the Farishta, the angels, they...
0:08:26 > 0:08:27They curse you all night long.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29That means I've got no choice in the matter.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32That's in the Hadith.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35OK. Cos Hadiths are questionable, aren't they?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38They're still there, though. And they're still used.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40They are used, but... I don't know.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Hadiths are often, like, I don't think you can ever rely on someone
0:08:44 > 0:08:47else's interpretation of what they've read.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50So why didn't you stay in Islam and reform it
0:08:50 > 0:08:53rather than leave it altogether?
0:08:53 > 0:08:57I didn't want to be my husband's wife.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I wanted to remain who I was, as a person.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05And I feel like you disappear in Islam.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I found that quite difficult...
0:09:11 > 0:09:12..for various reasons.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I found it difficult because...
0:09:15 > 0:09:17..there was something she said
0:09:17 > 0:09:19that I didn't know, and they actually shocked me.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Everything she found, everything she focused on, it's so negative.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24And it's so the opposite of me.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28It's really weird, cos we're both from quite similar families...
0:09:29 > 0:09:31..quite similar backgrounds.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34We're both Pakistani, but we went such opposite ways.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42The texts Sadia was referring to about a husband beating his wife is
0:09:42 > 0:09:45indeed in the Koran. Chapter four, verse 34,
0:09:45 > 0:09:49where husbands who feel their wives are disobedient may beat them.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55The passage about angels cursing wives who won't have sex with their
0:09:55 > 0:09:58husbands is from the Hadiths.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01But the meaning of both passages has been contested
0:10:01 > 0:10:03by Islamic scholars through the ages.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12But for all the scholarly debates, for me, the right way for a Muslim
0:10:12 > 0:10:16woman to behave usually comes down to one man, my dad.
0:10:18 > 0:10:23I've got seven missed calls from my father and two text messages.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27PHONE RINGS
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Hello, Father.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Don't be worried. That's fine, don't be worried.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Love you, bye.
0:10:38 > 0:10:43Sometimes you want to do something as a British young woman, but you
0:10:43 > 0:10:47know your family and your culture want you to do something else,
0:10:47 > 0:10:51and you kind of always have to pick between the two.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54And the hard part is that, no matter what you pick,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57you'll be letting someone down.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01I might want to come home at 3am, be out with my girlfriends,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04but I know my parents won't sleep until I get home.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05So I end up leaving early.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08And my friends will say, you know, "Why are you leaving early?"
0:11:08 > 0:11:12But if I stayed out, I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself anyway
0:11:12 > 0:11:13cos I'd just feel too guilty.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Are Dad's rules really Islamic, though?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Or simply cultural ideas that he's inherited as a fairly typical
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Pakistani man?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Who am I really obeying?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28My father or my religion?
0:11:33 > 0:11:37The women attending a dinner to mark Black History Month say they feel no
0:11:37 > 0:11:39contradiction between being good Muslims
0:11:39 > 0:11:41and living independent lives.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I want to know how they manage it.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51My experience of Islam has been a very Asian experience.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Looking at your day-to-day life, does Islam empower you?
0:11:55 > 0:11:56- Yes.- Hell, yes.- In what way?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Just a fact that I'm still able,
0:12:00 > 0:12:04within the constraints of my religion,
0:12:04 > 0:12:09to live my day-to-day and earn my own money and that money
0:12:09 > 0:12:11is mine by entitlement.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16My husband doesn't have a say in that money or anything.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Doesn't really have... He can't really restrict me from doing things
0:12:22 > 0:12:24that are in line with my religion.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28A lot of women will tell you that Islam oppresses women.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Exactly. I'm, like, well, you have not met the women from my family.
0:12:32 > 0:12:37Like, generation upon generation, it's like we are nurses, doctors,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40landowners, multiple property owners.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Directors and screenwriters.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45When they kind of, like, say, "This is what a Muslim woman is."
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I was like, "Well, you need to get out more."
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Where do they get that from, then?
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Where do they get that view that Muslim women are oppressed?
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Most people, if they sat and met Muslim women, no way would they come
0:12:58 > 0:13:01out with this idea that Muslim women are oppressed.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05But it's this narrative that is constantly kind of regurgitated,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07just on and on and on and on.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09And it's so tiring.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11It's tiring to fight it.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14If anything, it's Islam that has allowed me
0:13:14 > 0:13:16to be a very confident woman.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20And it's Islam that has given me the ability to be able to
0:13:20 > 0:13:22interact with men in an equal way.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27Do some people use the hijab as a form of oppression?
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Is that where the idea comes from?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32That some women are forced.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Some younger girls are forced, or some wives are forced?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- Of course.- Is that Islam, like?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Of course, there's some women, children,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41that have been forced to wear the hijab.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44But there's so many other women that haven't been forced.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46For someone to tell me, "You have to wear the hijab,"
0:13:46 > 0:13:49if someone tells me to do that, I'm taking my hijab off.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Know what I mean? If you're going to force me to wear the hijab,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I'm taking it off. I wear this out of love. This is my identity.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57This is something that I love. And I wouldn't even say I do it because my
0:13:57 > 0:13:59God tells me to do it, you know?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Everything that my God tells me to do, he gives me a choice.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I'm doing it because Sukainah wants to do it, and I love it,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06and it's part of my religion and I own it.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Girls like the ones that I met today,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16I don't think I've seen very many of them.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21Women who genuinely feel empowered because of Islam.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25They can clearly differentiate between what is Islam,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28what is culture, what is society.
0:14:29 > 0:14:35And that's why I wish I had this clear definition of what Islam is
0:14:35 > 0:14:37and what Islam instructs.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44One of the women I met at the dinner, Yasmin,
0:14:44 > 0:14:48even described herself to me as a Muslim feminist activist.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54How on earth does she balance an independent lifestyle
0:14:54 > 0:14:59I can only dream of with the expectations of her family?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I remember having a conversation with my mum when I was maybe in my
0:15:02 > 0:15:04early 20s, and she said, you know,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07"Islam is a radically feminist religion."
0:15:07 > 0:15:08She was like, "It introduced
0:15:08 > 0:15:11"all of these things to women and fundamentally..."
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Like, even in the Koran, it always says...
0:15:14 > 0:15:16SHE REFERS TO A PHRASE
0:15:16 > 0:15:19So it refers to the male believers and the female believers.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Like, every single instance when it refers to believers,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25it always says men and women equally.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Right? And so I've think that kind of probably triggered
0:15:29 > 0:15:30this curiosity, I guess.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34What practical examples can you give me of ways that you feel
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Islam has liberated you rather than oppressed you?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40My first job was as an engineer on oil and gas rigs.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I moved out of home, I followed my career,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45I got a really good education, I've spoken out,
0:15:45 > 0:15:49I have never been expected to marry anyone in particular.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51You moved out of home and lived by yourself?
0:15:51 > 0:15:52- Yeah.- That's amazing.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55My family's quite liberal, but I wasn't allowed to move out,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I wouldn't be allowed to move out.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I'm 28, but I won't move out until I get married.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03That's wild. But, like, that's a cultural thing.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Within Islam, it says if your parents are doing the wrong thing,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09you have the right to stand up against your parents.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Right? And it is, at the same time, you know,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Paradise is it the feet of your mother,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16so even though paradise is at the feet of your mother,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18if your mother is doing the wrong thing by Islam,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21you have the right within Islam to say, "No."
0:16:21 > 0:16:23And that is huge.
0:16:24 > 0:16:31But culture, oh, culture is almost, if not, stronger a hold on people.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Was Yasmin thinking about marriage as much as I was?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38You know, I'm not too fussed about the marriage thing, like,
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I think it would be nice to find a partner,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43but one of the main motivating factors is, well,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46I'm still holding on to the no-sex-before-marriage thing.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- OK.- Yeah.- Same.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Yeah, right? And it's a struggle, right?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Like, we have needs.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00Sometimes I think, "What if I reach 32 and I'm still not married,"
0:17:00 > 0:17:02which looks pretty realistic right now...
0:17:02 > 0:17:04- LAUGHS:- I feel you.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Yeah, I know, I...
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- I'm with you.- Then what is going to happen?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Will...? It sounds so bad, like, it sounds so bad.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Will God be like, "I understand..."
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Honestly, I have gotten to the age where I'm like, I am wondering that
0:17:21 > 0:17:24too, and I know this is, like, the wildest conversation and that
0:17:24 > 0:17:27all of these aunties are going to be like, "Stop it, Allah."
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Like, "How could you possibly...?"
0:17:29 > 0:17:31But the reality is, like,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33it's not as if we have less of a sexual desire than men.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36The people often assume that Muslim women have no sexual desire.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38No, we are all neutered apparently.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Like, get off it.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43I am as randy as the next one.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53It is clear from various references in the Koran that sex
0:17:53 > 0:17:55should be in a lawful union.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59And men and women are given the same advice.
0:18:00 > 0:18:05In chapter 24, verses 30 and 31, both are told to turn their eyes
0:18:05 > 0:18:09away from temptation and to preserve their chastity.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Yasmin is an inspiring woman
0:18:13 > 0:18:16who really knows her stuff and who clearly
0:18:16 > 0:18:20feels no conflict between being an independent woman and a good Muslim.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26But the one thing she hasn't managed to do is to find a man to share her
0:18:26 > 0:18:28life with.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31It's made me think about what I can expect from a husband.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39And I got a glimpse of one possible future when I secured access to a
0:18:39 > 0:18:42seminar in East London for Muslims looking to get married.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47One of the speakers, an imam from the local mosque,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51was giving his advice on the roles of husbands and wives.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58The imam began by listing the responsibilities of future husbands.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00A husband should have confidence and trust.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03You have to trust her because she is your wife.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07And you should love her, you should show love and affection.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11And he should provide food, home, accommodation,
0:19:11 > 0:19:15clothes and the basic amenities for life.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Yes, and also...
0:19:16 > 0:19:21But future wives seem to have considerably more responsibilities,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24and some of them brought me down to earth with a bump.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27She should show him love and affection,
0:19:27 > 0:19:31she should express her full confidence and trust in her husband.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38She must make herself available to her husband, whenever he says,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40"Oh, I'm ready, I need you," she must be available,
0:19:40 > 0:19:43unless you have got a good excuse.
0:19:43 > 0:19:49Yes. And she shall not admit anyone home her husband dislikes
0:19:49 > 0:19:51to come in or stay in her house.
0:19:51 > 0:19:57She must not put economic pressure on her husband.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59She must obey her husband.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06The wife must not travel without the consent of her husband.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10For brothers, be generous to your wives, and for the sisters,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12be loyal to your husbands.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19This was one man's conservative interpretation
0:20:19 > 0:20:21of Islamic traditions,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24and he'd even thrown in some clearly non-Islamic rules
0:20:24 > 0:20:27about social media.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Brothers and sisters should avoid using Facebook.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Always there are so problems because Facebook contact sometimes doesn't
0:20:35 > 0:20:37represent the reality.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40There are so many problems which come after that.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Most of the participants didn't want to talk to me,
0:20:45 > 0:20:46but one young woman did,
0:20:46 > 0:20:50and she seemed to accept conditions I don't think I could put up with.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53How long have you been looking for?
0:20:53 > 0:20:57So I started meeting people when I was 21.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58I'm now 28. Seven years later,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I am still searching for that right person.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03You know he was saying, "If you meet, you always have to have
0:21:03 > 0:21:05"someone with you," and, you know,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07"you will meet a few times, you will get to know the person."
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Yeah.- Do you abide by all those restrictions when you are...?
0:21:10 > 0:21:11I have my brother present...
0:21:11 > 0:21:15- Always?- So he is not present when I have a conversation with a potential
0:21:15 > 0:21:18suitor, but he is part of the process and he is
0:21:18 > 0:21:19there in the background.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22So my brother will even meet the man first and see if he thinks
0:21:22 > 0:21:23he will be suitable for me or not.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29It is important to me to marry within my faith,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32but will Muslim men want a wife like me,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34with an independent streak and ambition?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40At 28, I'm considered quite old to be unmarried in my community,
0:21:40 > 0:21:42so the question is real for me.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49I decided to see for myself what a cross-section of Muslim men expect
0:21:49 > 0:21:51from a wife.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52So in the spirit of research,
0:21:52 > 0:21:56I ventured out onto the Islamic online dating scene.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Let's see if I can find my husband.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Number one priority for me,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05someone who doesn't come and try and control me.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I have found this app called Muzmatch.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13It says, "Muzmatch is for anyone seeking a Muslim marriage.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15"Keep things halal."
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Sounds good.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22"Select profile picture."
0:22:22 > 0:22:24This is my favourite bit.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26We don't want anything too...
0:22:27 > 0:22:28..provocative!
0:22:32 > 0:22:38"Islamic dress - modest, hijab, jilbab, niqab."
0:22:39 > 0:22:42So, what if I don't even dress modestly?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Why does it start from modest?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Wow, I'm, like, bottom of the pile.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50"How religious are you?" OK. What are the options?
0:22:50 > 0:22:56"Practising. Very practising. Moderately practising.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57"Not practising."
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Depends what you count as practising.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02That's a really hard question.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Practising?
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Am I practising?
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Eurgh!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11I want someone who religiously is on the same level as me.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Just a male version of me.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Surely he is out there somewhere.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19This is really exciting.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- Good to see you. Looking good. - Thank you.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32I don't know what you fancy.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- I don't mind, actually.- Besides me. I'm joking!
0:23:37 > 0:23:38That's not a bad starter.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I think it's OK, in my subjective opinion.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44What if one day I decide to wear a hijab?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- Right now, it's not for me. - That would be a good thing.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47It wouldn't be an issue for me.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I would definitely like that, yeah.
0:23:50 > 0:23:55After you are married, would you be living at home with your mum?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Maybe not initially, potentially, but long-term,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I would want my mum to stay with me.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Say if my wife comes across my mum,
0:24:04 > 0:24:08arrogant, rude, sorry, I would have to side with my mum.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12It is a different era now, it is not expected, no way.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- OK.- That is really surprising.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I am guessing if we went to Morocco together,
0:24:17 > 0:24:19because that is where you're from, right?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I wouldn't be on the beach or by the pool wearing a bikini.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28If I'm honest, my preference wouldn't necessarily be to someone
0:24:28 > 0:24:30who walks around in a bikini necessarily.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- You are cool with her wearing a bikini?- Yeah.- OK.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- You can wear what you want. - That's...
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Wear what you want. I do not have a problem with that.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41If they go, like, "That's it, I am no longer a Muslim,"
0:24:41 > 0:24:46that is a deal-breaker for me, I can't be with someone like that.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Niqab? Yeah, that would be a problem for me.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Yeah?- Yeah.- Is that a step too far?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Yeah.- Am I how you expected me to be?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- You seem quite nice, actually. - Quite nice?- Very nice, very nice.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- Sorry, wrong word there. - Would you like a second date?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- Off the record. - Would you like to marry me?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- Yeah.- Cool.- I would.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I didn't know you was going to ask that question.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I had, like, some tingling sensation.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I swear to God, or Allah here, I'm not lying.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27The dates proved that
0:25:27 > 0:25:30there isn't one version of a good Muslim husband,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32just as there isn't one version of a good Muslim wife.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45To find out what happens when an Islamic marriage falls apart,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I attended a sharia council in Birmingham.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Here, women come to seek a divorce,
0:25:52 > 0:25:54recognised under Islamic but not civil law.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58So, what happened?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Do all of them have autism?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08How many...?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Does he support you financially?
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Does he give you money?
0:26:40 > 0:26:46We understand, as a panel, that this marriage is not functioning,
0:26:46 > 0:26:51it is not helping you, and the marriage is about love, compassion,
0:26:51 > 0:26:57trust and respect, and of course, there should be financial support,
0:26:57 > 0:27:02which isn't there, and so, as it stands at the moment,
0:27:02 > 0:27:06the panel is in agreement that this marriage should be dissolved.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I was shocked the husbands weren't required to attend.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12If they want a divorce,
0:27:12 > 0:27:16all they need to do is announce it three times at monthly intervals.
0:27:17 > 0:27:24I sat in two cases where women had come in to ask for a divorce.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28In both cases, the husbands were not present.
0:27:28 > 0:27:33In the second case, she hadn't seen her husband for five years,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35hadn't heard from him in five years...
0:27:36 > 0:27:40..but he was refusing to give her a divorce too.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43This woman said, "I can't bear him, I cannot bear him,
0:27:43 > 0:27:47"I cannot be with this man any more, because even when we were together,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50"he was just awful to me."
0:27:54 > 0:27:59But they have to wait for a group of strangers to deliberate and say,
0:27:59 > 0:28:02"Oh, I understand it must be quite hard for you to, you know, give
0:28:02 > 0:28:04"the kids, if that's what he is asking."
0:28:04 > 0:28:06It must be hard?
0:28:06 > 0:28:07I don't understand.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I watched nine cases being deliberated.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17All of the women were granted a divorce.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20While the details of their unhappy marriages aren't particular to their
0:28:20 > 0:28:24faith, I was left with the feeling that this was an ordeal that women
0:28:24 > 0:28:28had to go through and from which the men could excuse themselves.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35I wanted to talk to Dr Amra Bone, one of the judges,
0:28:35 > 0:28:36about women's rights and marriage.
0:28:38 > 0:28:39The hardest part to see...
0:28:40 > 0:28:46I'm sorry. ..was that some of these women have been hanging on
0:28:46 > 0:28:49for five years, waiting for...
0:28:49 > 0:28:55Because the man is with another family, with another woman,
0:28:55 > 0:28:58but refusing to let go.
0:28:58 > 0:28:59We do ask this question to women.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02We say, "Why did it take you so long to come here?"
0:29:02 > 0:29:04And they just often say,
0:29:04 > 0:29:07"We weren't ready, we wanted to give it more time."
0:29:07 > 0:29:11In Islam, a woman is not prisoned when she marries.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15She, out of her free choice, she chooses to marry the person.
0:29:15 > 0:29:23I did hear that if a husband wants to have sex with his wife...
0:29:25 > 0:29:29..if she refuses, then the angels curse her throughout the night.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Well, I think there is so many...
0:29:31 > 0:29:34People will say, "Oh, there is this Hadith or that Hadith."
0:29:34 > 0:29:36But if you have to look
0:29:36 > 0:29:39at the overall principle of Islamic teaching.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Islam is not as literal as people have made it out to be.
0:29:42 > 0:29:47Islam, Islamic teachings are there to guide both men and women,
0:29:47 > 0:29:51to behave towards each other with respect and kindness and love.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54People often talk about how it says,
0:29:54 > 0:29:58the Koran says you can beat your wife gently.
0:29:58 > 0:30:03Well, again, how you understand that is the point.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Did the Prophet ever beat his wife?
0:30:05 > 0:30:06Never in his life.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08And what did the Koran say?
0:30:08 > 0:30:12The Koran says he is... Which means he is an example for you,
0:30:12 > 0:30:15the best example for you.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17And actually, he was in a monogamous relationship.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19He never hit a woman ever in his life.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23He was in a monogamous relationship with Khadijah
0:30:23 > 0:30:28for how many years, in a society where it was completely polygamous.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30This was a completely new world to me,
0:30:30 > 0:30:32I have never seen anything like...
0:30:32 > 0:30:34Like, I have never seen anything...
0:30:34 > 0:30:39I haven't seen cases like this, I haven't seen these kind of
0:30:39 > 0:30:45discussions when it comes to divorce and a panel sitting there.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48This is miles away from the Islam I have grown up with,
0:30:48 > 0:30:50I have just never seen anything like this.
0:30:55 > 0:30:59This journey is teaching me that my struggle to be both an independent
0:30:59 > 0:31:03woman and a good Muslim isn't so much to do with Islam itself,
0:31:03 > 0:31:05but with men's interpretation of it.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10And there is one man's interpretation above all
0:31:10 > 0:31:11that matters to me.
0:31:15 > 0:31:20I have met so many girls on this journey and I've learnt so much.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23Some things that made me feel quite comfortable,
0:31:23 > 0:31:26some things that made me realise, actually,
0:31:26 > 0:31:31Islam gives me so many rights that maybe even I can be more
0:31:31 > 0:31:34independent and still be a good Muslim woman.
0:31:34 > 0:31:38So I am going to go and have a conversation with my father about my
0:31:38 > 0:31:40own independence.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42It's not really a conversation we have within our household, so I
0:31:42 > 0:31:45don't know how he's going to react or if he'll even take it seriously.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50But I think it's about time that I had that conversation.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07I would like... The 11 o'clock curfew has to stop.
0:32:08 > 0:32:13You can't wait up for me and make me rush home every time I go out.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16Can we change the bond to not calling me...?
0:32:16 > 0:32:18No, it can't happen!
0:32:18 > 0:32:21Because if you are away and I don't hear from you...
0:32:21 > 0:32:24Yes, if you keep on, keep me posted that,
0:32:24 > 0:32:27"I'm OK, Dad, everything is fine," then OK.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29I can do that, once a day.
0:32:29 > 0:32:30No, not once a day!
0:32:30 > 0:32:31If you are away for ten hours,
0:32:31 > 0:32:33I must at least get that message five times.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36- No...- No, this is...
0:32:36 > 0:32:40We need to negotiate. We can't live like this any more, this is a joke.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42We need to come to some sort of...
0:32:42 > 0:32:43- Agreement.- Yes, agreement.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47You are dictating me terms and conditions
0:32:47 > 0:32:49of how you want to live your life.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52- Yes.- Isn't it? Am I wrong in saying that?
0:32:52 > 0:32:55- Yes.- That's not acceptable to me.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58- Because...- Papa, you can just be normal and say...
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Yeah, you are telling me four, five, six...
0:33:00 > 0:33:03"I understand what you're trying to say.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06"You want a bit more freedom and maybe we are overprotective.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09"We just want you to be safe, but maybe I can try and see if I can do
0:33:09 > 0:33:11"that, but no promises." You don't have to say,
0:33:11 > 0:33:14- "Oh, you are dictating, that is not acceptable to me."- OK.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17One of the girls I met actually showed me a bit from the Koran where
0:33:17 > 0:33:20it says, you can question and challenge our parents,
0:33:20 > 0:33:22you can go against them.
0:33:22 > 0:33:23This is what you are saying today,
0:33:23 > 0:33:27but I never dared to even question again.
0:33:27 > 0:33:32We thought whatever our elders or our guardians or our parents said
0:33:32 > 0:33:35was to be obeyed.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37What if I want to live by myself?
0:33:37 > 0:33:39You're most welcome, if you can live without us.
0:33:39 > 0:33:43- That's a lie.- I will miss you, that is a different story,
0:33:43 > 0:33:45because I love you, sweetheart.
0:33:45 > 0:33:49I will maybe stay down under your stairs to look after you.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52- Like Harry Potter! - That is my problem.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56I may come every weekend or maybe twice in a week,
0:33:56 > 0:33:59I will telephone you a million times,
0:33:59 > 0:34:02but I will not become a hurdle in your life.
0:34:03 > 0:34:04Give us a hug.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09- Are you happy now?- Yeah, but I'll believe it when I see it.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13- Seeing is believing. - Seeing is believing.
0:34:13 > 0:34:14OK.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20I've realised that Islam in practice
0:34:20 > 0:34:23is always worked out between people.
0:34:24 > 0:34:28Daughters and their fathers, wives and their husbands.
0:34:28 > 0:34:32But it's also become clear to me that in order to get what you want,
0:34:32 > 0:34:33you have to know your rights.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38And half of these rights I haven't heard of before.
0:34:39 > 0:34:45So why is it that lots of women's rights in general
0:34:45 > 0:34:52are almost hidden and men's rights are emphasised?
0:34:52 > 0:34:55So it's great that I'm going on this journey, but there are still
0:34:55 > 0:34:58thousands of girls who are going to go through shit
0:34:58 > 0:35:01because they don't know their rights, and even if they know them,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04they won't be permitted to exercise them.
0:35:04 > 0:35:05And that made me...
0:35:10 > 0:35:12..frustrated, cos there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.
0:35:15 > 0:35:19I have seen too many amazing women become shadows of the girl that they
0:35:19 > 0:35:20used to be...
0:35:22 > 0:35:24..after they got married.
0:35:25 > 0:35:26I'm not going to be that girl.