0:00:03 > 0:00:04DOORBELL RINGS 'What?!'
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Jason? Hi, it's Ben Jessop from the BBC.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Hey, there's nothing to see here.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17She's 19, she's her mum and he's just filming it.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Jason, it's nothing like that, we're... Hold on.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24FIREWORK WHISTLES
0:00:24 > 0:00:24EXPLOSION
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Now listen up - I've never even met John Terry's dad.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Now sod off! No, Jason. Jason? We're not from the News.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33We've come to film the World Cup's Best Ever Goals Ever!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Your agent said it would be all right to come round today.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39No, today's out of the question, I'm meant to be doing nothing today.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40KEYPAD BEEPS Hang on...
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Yeah, great night last night, wasn't it?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46No, I don't know how I got back.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Oh, I must have driven meself home, yeah.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Now, what's this about this telly show?
0:00:51 > 0:00:55BBC Three? That doesn't even exist.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59This show sounds like a complete load of crap to me.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01How much are they paying?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03To be fair, this show sounds all right, doesn't it?
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Yeah.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Lads, hang on a second!
0:01:10 > 0:01:11You've got one hour.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Hi there.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I'm Jason Bent from the Premier League,
0:01:27 > 0:01:31and this is the World Cup's Best Ever Goals Ever!
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Simply put, the World Cup is the greatest tournament on Earth.
0:01:48 > 0:01:53Apart from the Champion's League, obviously, that's a lot better.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56FA Cup, that's great that is, full of magic.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58League Cup, gives it a run for its money.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01But the World Cup is-is good.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04The World Cup, for me, it's inspired me all me life.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Just think of the World Cup greats - Pele.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Maradona... Erm...
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Have I said Pele? I've said Pele.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Erm, the other Brazilian lads.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Erm...Brazil.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Erm...
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Playing in the World Cup's the biggest honour you can get.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28I mean, it's right up there with getting a sponsorship deal
0:02:28 > 0:02:29with a watch manufacturer.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31That'll be me one day.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Erm, at the moment I do the voice of Barry the Banana.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35"Who are you?"
0:02:35 > 0:02:38"I'm Barry the Banana! I'm Nature's crisps."
0:02:38 > 0:02:41"What should I take to school?"
0:02:41 > 0:02:45"Take me! I'm Barry the Banana. Don't forget to recycle me skin!"
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Good, that.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Solo goals.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Erm, I've got loads.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I want to swim with dolphins.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04I've done twins. So sextuplets would be great. Ideally all sisters.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07And I want to invent a new colour, sort of orangey-browny,
0:03:07 > 0:03:10with like, a bit of blue in there.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12That's not what you meant?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Fair dinkum.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17People say scoring a goal's better than sex.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I say try it with two girls
0:03:19 > 0:03:21and a crocodile clip on your goolie-whackers.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25I mean, the ultimate feeling, I suppose, is scoring a goal
0:03:25 > 0:03:28with a crocodile clip on your whackers.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32And I've done that once - Oldham away. Carling Cup replay.
0:03:32 > 0:03:342-2.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Look to camera.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40These are my best ever World Cup solo goals ever. Cut.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Yeah.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45COMMENTATOR: 'And what about this for a break now?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48'By Schachner, who's got Krankl on the far side, coming in from the left.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50'It's still Schachner, number 18.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52'And what a good goal!'
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Ooh, Spanish defence caught napping there.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Not surprised, really.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Lunchtime kick-off.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02West Germany?!
0:04:02 > 0:04:06What happened to West Germany? They used to be a great team.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Just disappeared.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09It's like Wimbledon all over again.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12'Rummenigge goes all the way, does he?
0:04:12 > 0:04:13'He does.'
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Now this goal's all about raw pace.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20I'm not the quickest player meself,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23but slip a little something extra in me drinks bottle
0:04:23 > 0:04:24and I'll run all day.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27And dance all evening. And party all night.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29And have a massive comedown the following morning.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31And miss training. And get fined.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Thank God for super-injunctions.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Yeah, most Dutch World Cup goals tend to be solo efforts,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42cos about three days into the tournament
0:04:42 > 0:04:45they've all had a massive row and won't pass to each other.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Oopsie, someone's had one smoke too many.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Bloody hell, another one. Anyone got any crisps? I'm starving.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Haven't had any brekkie.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58CRISPS RUSTLE Cheers.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Get in, yes.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01CRUNCHING
0:05:04 > 0:05:07MUFFLED: Another one. He's going to run.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Mmm. I love crisps.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12'I wonder if he can see Omam-Biyik - Njanka.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14'It's a brilliant run by the Cameroon number 6!'
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Good lad.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Another goal.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23That's it, go on.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Get in.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Yes.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29'And here is Elkjaer. Elkjaer through...'
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Ooh... And another one.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32He's done a run.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34'Elkjaer, yes, it is.'
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Has anyone got any baby wipes?
0:05:36 > 0:05:37I'm all greasy.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43This is my pool table.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Erm...
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Still haven't worked out where the pound coins go yet.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Have a look over there - this is my bar.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Now this is where I come for a quiet drink.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Unless I've lost a match - then I get absolutely battered.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Or if we've won a game - then I get totally and utterly smashed.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Now this isn't actually a pineapple.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06That's the sort of stuff I can afford.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Well, presumably they're going to meet up at Gatwick
0:06:16 > 0:06:17and take the plane?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Obviously, I'm really excited, and honoured,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27to be joining the England party for the World Cup this year.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29It's not the official one,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31it's just me and Rio, Barton, Crouchy and Terry.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34We're meeting in Tiger Tiger in Croydon.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Terry's Dad's providing the entertainment.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40To be honest, Crouchy was only invited in case his missus turns up.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41I would.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Who wouldn't?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I would.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50At the World Cup, there's no such thing as an easy game these days.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Apart from when you play teams from your Middle Easts,
0:06:53 > 0:06:58your Asias, your Australasias, your Euthanasias...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Basically, you should be looking to tonk anyone
0:07:01 > 0:07:04who's not from Europe or South America.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Yeah, a lot's made of England's tactics. Their formation.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09How do you get the best out of those 11 players?
0:07:09 > 0:07:134-4-2, or 4-3-3...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18That's ten, isn't it?
0:07:18 > 0:07:224-4-2... This is ten!
0:07:22 > 0:07:244-3-3, ten.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28This is massive! Will someone get me agent on the blower?
0:07:28 > 0:07:33We've been one down. Yeah, every four bloody years.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34This is massive.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I'm Jason Bent,
0:07:39 > 0:07:43and these are my greatest ever England World Cup goals ever.
0:07:43 > 0:07:4748 minutes left, everyone.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51'England making Portugal chase.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53'And it's Hurst.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55'Back to Charlton - this could be it!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57'It is!'
0:07:57 > 0:08:00It's amazing how technique has moved on since then.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Now you've got plugs, weaves,
0:08:02 > 0:08:03transplants...
0:08:03 > 0:08:04he's just got a bloody comb-over.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10'And here comes Hurst.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11'He's got... Some people are on the pitch.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13'They think it's all over...'
0:08:13 > 0:08:16"Some people are on the pitch"?! There's always people on the pitch.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19It's a game of football.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20'Gerrard.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24'Oh, it's number two!'
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Stevie G, what a legend!
0:08:27 > 0:08:28I mean, he made scoring that
0:08:28 > 0:08:30look like he was up against a bunch of part-timers
0:08:30 > 0:08:34from the Caribbean who had never qualified before or since.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37'They're appealing for offside.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40'The Germans, and they're in trouble, they couldn't do it!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42'And England equalised!
0:08:42 > 0:08:44'It's Gary Lineker!'
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Lineker? Gary Lineker?
0:08:46 > 0:08:50What? We used to let TV presenters play for England?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Who was in goal for us? Phillip Schofield?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56'It's come out to Joe Cole.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58'There's the volley!'
0:08:58 > 0:09:03Ooooh. Now that goal was worthy of winning the World Cup.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Or getting knocked out by Portugal in the quarterfinals.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Take your pick.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13'This is Gerrard in the box!
0:09:13 > 0:09:14'Steven Gerrard scores!'
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Yeah! England can beat the best, you know.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Tunisia, Liechtenstein, Montserrat...
0:09:20 > 0:09:22not America, though.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27'That's Beckham!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29'Oh, it's in!'
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Ah, stunning, stunning technique.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Look at the fade on that.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Blonde highlights at their very best.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39'Scholes. Still Scholes.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41'Oh, yes!'
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Now, Paul Scholes has shown great bravery to get in that position.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48He's ginger, and the sun's out.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50'And chipped in...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52'and volleyed in!'
0:09:52 > 0:09:55David Platt, or Platty as they called him.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56I don't know why.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Wow! Unbelievable.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Non-electronic advertising hoardings.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06'And Lineker's sneaking in, a chance for England here!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08'Is it in? It is!'
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Now this is what the World Cup's all about.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16A big punt forward, striker miscontrols it,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19it bobbles past the keeper who falls over
0:10:19 > 0:10:21and scuffs it in from a yard.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Football at its finest.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Now, if you're wondering how this tournament ended
0:10:26 > 0:10:28we lost on penalties.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29'This is Owen.'
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Michael Owen against Argentina.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Everyone remembers where they were when that one went in.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36I was in bed with his missus.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40If you're wondering how it ended - we lost on penalties.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43'It's coming in toward Peter Crouch!'
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Crouchy!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Great goal.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Better do the robot, Crouchy.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Do the robot.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Do the ro... DO THE ROBOT.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Do... Ugh! That's the only reason you're in the team, Crouchy.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Now, if you're wondering how this tournament ended,
0:10:59 > 0:11:00we lost on penalties.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11This is my kitchen, erm, apparently.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I'm not a typical footballer.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14I like fruit.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Erm, I don't like the texture of tomatoes, though.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Like, do you think when you're asleep they come alive?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Not sure.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Erm, I'm a big gadget man.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29This...
0:11:29 > 0:11:32is a "peeler".
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Mad, that.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I keep my water in here.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42This is my fridge and my freezer.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46One looks like the other, but one of them's colder.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Erm...
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I keep my crisps in here.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01A sports psychologist once told me, "Jason, there's no 'I' in team."
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Now, I don't know if that's true or not.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I'll leave that to the experts.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08But what I do know is, without any team-mates,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11your formation options are very limited.
0:12:11 > 0:12:140-0-1, 1-0-0, 0-1-0...
0:12:14 > 0:12:17and if anyone gets sent off, heaven help you.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21They say the best teams aren't teams of individuals,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23they're an individual team.
0:12:23 > 0:12:29BUT, if the team of individuals had the world's best individuals in it,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31it'd still batter an individual team
0:12:31 > 0:12:35of not great individuals, wouldn't it? So, you know, that's...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Well, that's why people say I should go into management.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I don't think I will, I bloody hate football.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Here's some goals.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Team ones.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49One pass...
0:12:50 > 0:12:52..two passes...
0:12:54 > 0:12:56..three passes...
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Erm, I'm going to need some help in a bit.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Four passes...
0:13:00 > 0:13:01seven...
0:13:01 > 0:13:04twenteen...
0:13:04 > 0:13:06another one...
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Loads.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Have I said three?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13So many passes.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16It's like Robbie Savage on Celebrity Mastermind.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23'Kuyt. Van Persie with him.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26'Liverpool to Arsenal.'
0:13:26 > 0:13:27"Liverpool to Arsenal"?!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Holland to Holland, you numpty.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31'Van Persie again!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33'Robin van Persie scores.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39'Iniesta's won it here.
0:13:39 > 0:13:45'Iniesta to Torres, veered to his left-hand side.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47'Back inside to Iniesta - brilliant goal!'
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Yeah, Torres took one for the team.
0:13:51 > 0:13:57He said, "I'm going down so I can't get involved
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Yeah. Top lad.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Yeah, we all remember this game
0:14:02 > 0:14:05for Frank Lampard's goal that never was.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Unfortunately, the rest of the world
0:14:07 > 0:14:11remembers this game for the Germans giving us a 4-1 kicking.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14'Oh, that was obstruction, surely?'
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Open goal. Shoot!
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Yeah, or do that.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Yeah, that works.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26That did the job.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Good lad.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37'To Tigana... Oh!'
0:14:38 > 0:14:41The French have always had great strikers.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Their teachers, truck drivers, farmers...
0:14:49 > 0:14:51'Nice little header.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53'Quickly seized upon by Beardsley.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58'Lineker checking back, when he might have gone straight on.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59'Trevor Steven is unmarked.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01'Gary Stevens coming up on the right.'
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Hang on, that's six passes. That is not England.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Who else plays in white? That's Real Madrid. I'm sorry,
0:15:10 > 0:15:11how can that be England?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Ahh. That's more like it. We're getting outskilled,
0:15:19 > 0:15:23outpassed and outplayed by a technically superior team.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Come on, England!
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Jairzinho!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Back to him here, and he looks for Fernando Torres...
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Oh, what a splendid goal!
0:15:42 > 0:15:47You know, it's sad what's happened to Torres. Look at him back then...
0:15:47 > 0:15:49a bleached Mohican mullet.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Now what? Grade 2 all over.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54All the effort's just gone.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Sod off, I'm not reading his name.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I watched this with Nelson Mandela. Got on great, we did.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07A lot of mutual respect. He'd done 27 years for freedom fighting
0:16:07 > 0:16:09and then went on to unite a country.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I'd done 17 weeks for running over a postman
0:16:12 > 0:16:14and then went on loan to Portsmouth.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Ready.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24Crisps.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Pop-up.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Dental nurse.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Erm...banana, obviously but,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36or apple or a satsuma - no,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38pomegranate... Pass.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42Definitely satsuma.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45One. Oh, shoulda gone bigger.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Erm...can I say stripes?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Gaffer's daughter.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Me crisps.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Ironman.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Paul McKenna I Can Stop You Touching Yourself. It's not a CD,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02he lives round the corner. I give him a lift in. Yes!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05What did I get? What did I get?!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Will someone tell me what I got?!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Here are some great World Cup volleys.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20That's a great goal!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23That wasn't even Rodriguez's best World Cup moment.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26That came four years later in South Africa when he coshed
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Bastian Schweinsteiger over the head.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Oh, can we slow that down?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Oh, yes!
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Yes!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Oh.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39A real threat from this sort of set piece.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43The ball is aimed towards him.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Ah. Tunisia against Saudi Arabia.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49We all remember where we were when that goal went in.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I was probably out... with Michael Owen's missus.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Lorimer! 1-0!
0:17:58 > 0:18:03You're applauding yourself there, mate. That's the fans' jobs.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Scotland didn't get to many World Cups -
0:18:05 > 0:18:08didn't know how to behave. I applauded myself once,
0:18:08 > 0:18:13when I finally completed the full set of Sugababes, past and present.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Full house. I thank you.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Bloody hell, I'm bursting here.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Sorry, lads, I've got to pop out.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Yeah, no, keep it rolling, I'll be fine.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27This is Pablo Garcia.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Dario Rodriguez... Oh, my goodness!
0:18:30 > 0:18:31JASE URINATES
0:18:31 > 0:18:33JASE IN OTHER ROOM: Bang! Cracking shot!
0:18:37 > 0:18:38They got it right.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Inside the area for the free kick.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Right, I'm back.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Bloody hell, who's she? She's gorgeous. Wow.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Er, she's not.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56A run here came from Ramirez and they've got players in the middle...
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Can't think of anything on this one.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Hey, I've drawn a Blank-O.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04A Blank-O. Did you hear that?
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Eder...
0:19:09 > 0:19:14He said Eder. It's not a header. He kicked that.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16They say footballers are stupid.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Oh, great. Another goal by someone I've never heard of at a World Cup
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I never knew existed. Can we move on, please?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35This is me sock room...
0:19:35 > 0:19:36where I keep my socks.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43This is me panic room, where I come if I can't find the remote control,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46or I run out of crisps.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49That's never happened. Thank goodness.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53These carpets are made from endangered species.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56They're dead snuggly on your toes.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59No, no, no, no, no, don't go in there, please.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01That's haunted. Thank you.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13If you want your celebrations to make the Match Of The Day credits,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16you've got to put the work in on the training ground.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I'm talking about choreographed set pieces, mime, expressive art,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22narrative through dance. Ribbons.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Last season, me and the lads come up with a celebration
0:20:25 > 0:20:28that told the entire story of the Matrix trilogy.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33Unfortunately, Neo got transferred before we got a chance to use it.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Gutted.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37If I score an own goal, I just keep it dead simple.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41A cheeky backflip. Maybe kiss me opposite number's badge.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43When it comes to goal celebrations,
0:20:43 > 0:20:47it don't get much worse than this.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Aimless running about, leaping up and down like a div,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54topped off with a crap forward roll.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Sandberg? More like rubbish-berg.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02South Korea.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I'm more of a North Korea fan, myself.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07The Korean derby. That's rivalry.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Like an Asian Peterborough-Northampton.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14For kids watching, this is what happens
0:21:14 > 0:21:17if you don't put in the training for your celebrations.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21You can't just bounce up and down like a five-year-old,
0:21:21 > 0:21:25cock your leg and flash one of your goolie-whackers to a photographer.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Oh, and Bouba Diop is there!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32And Senegal have scored the first goal.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35If you're going to take your shirt off to celebrate,
0:21:35 > 0:21:39try not to wear your grandad's vest underneath it.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Two words, Corry Ography.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44You look like JLS after a night on the Sambuca.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49These little, intricate one-twos...
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Top pro, Maradona. He treated his body like a temple.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55A temple with a fat, drug-taking cheat inside.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Great chance. Great goal.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Oh, I love this celebration.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11This is how to beat a defender.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13A couple of step-overs...
0:22:13 > 0:22:16then bang! Elbow in the face.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Eriksson. Gave us all a lot of confidence.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26If a bloke like him can pull Ulrika Johnsson,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28we realised anything's possible.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Of course, under Eriksson we had that magical night in Munich.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34S'pose a miracle happened.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Emile Heskey scored at international level.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41To give Sven his dues, he knew when his time was up...
0:22:41 > 0:22:45and two tournaments later he left. Poor McClaren.
0:22:45 > 0:22:50Still, he's done all right in Formula 1, hasn't he?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Hodgson. Now, if you listen to Hodgson,
0:22:52 > 0:22:57he's like a cross between Hoddle and Robson.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01"Hodge-Son". My name's a cross between Ben and "T".
0:23:01 > 0:23:03That's true, that.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Yeah, I'd like to manage England one day. I started collecting my badges,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09but unfortunately I had to shoot all my badges
0:23:09 > 0:23:11cos of that bovine TB thing.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Training ground bust-ups?
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Then no-one gets the bus. Everyone drives.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25As far as training's concerned,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I'm always first to arrive and last to leave.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30It's not that I enjoy training,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I just don't want anyone seeing me knob.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Banter's a massive part of training.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37We're always playing practical jokes on each other. You might put
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Deep Heat in their shorts or hide their socks or
0:23:41 > 0:23:44set fire to their car while their dog's still in it.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47The gaffer says, "What happens in the dressing room
0:23:47 > 0:23:50"stays in the dressing room." And I think that's right.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53No-one wants to see a 42 year-old Columbian reserve team keeper
0:23:53 > 0:23:55try to shave his own back.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Gaffer also says, "What happens on the training ground
0:23:58 > 0:24:01"stays on the training ground." That, I don't agree with,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03because you have to think of new tactics during the game.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Junior?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16He's going to feel a right div being called that when he gets older.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Senior?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24He's going to feel a right div being called that when he gets younger.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31It's nicely done, it's Brolin...
0:24:31 > 0:24:33It's brilliant!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Well, I'm enjoying this a lot less than the last time
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I watched a load of Swedish blondes pile on top of each other.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Oh...
0:24:44 > 0:24:46And a magnificent goal!
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Another goal. Don't know who he is. Next.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55He takes a long run to get distance on those.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Might work. Klose, straight down the middle.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Klose's in!
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Miroslav Klose has given Germany the lead.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06It winds me up. First we invent football,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08now everyone does that better than us,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11then we invent crappy route one goals
0:25:11 > 0:25:14and the Germans do that better than us.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Can people stop nicking our stuff?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22You have to have a pool.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24You're going to get a lot of stick from the lads
0:25:24 > 0:25:26if you don't have at least one pool.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I come down here to relax, whack on the armbands,
0:25:28 > 0:25:32have a little splish-splash. I've got to get the pool fixed, though,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34cos the bloody Polish builders messed it up.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37They built it with the floor all sloping.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I managed to get them to fix the water, though.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Cost me a bloody fortune, but at least that's all level now.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47I've got to get it moved anyway. It's only 50 yards from the garage,
0:25:47 > 0:25:51and I have accidentally parked the 4-by-4 in here a couple of times.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Luckily I didn't hurt myself because I was so drunk,
0:25:53 > 0:25:55so I was nice and limp.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57And the airbags kept me afloat until the morning.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00That's me garden. I keep it outside.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08You're best off being clean shaven
0:26:08 > 0:26:11if you want to make it to the very highest level, and by that I mean
0:26:11 > 0:26:14a long-term sponsorship with a top razor company.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Don't know if any of them are them are watching now...
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Mmm, that's close. That's smooth.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Ten blades in a 4-4-2 formation.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33That's football. That's shaving.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35That's being a man.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I actually played with a moustache for a season and a half.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45It started out as a bet, but I kept it because referees didn't
0:26:45 > 0:26:47recognise me so I could get away with anything.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49And the fans loved me moustache.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Do you remember the Judi Dench thing
0:26:52 > 0:26:55when people started using her name to say something was cool?
0:26:55 > 0:26:56You know, "That's Dench, that is."
0:26:56 > 0:26:59The fans did the same with my moustache.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02They'd look at me and say, "That tash is Bent."
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Fantastic.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I had to shave it off in the end, though, cos the Mexican FA
0:27:07 > 0:27:11kept asking if I was eligible. I said, "No way, Jose."
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Do you get that?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Get that in both?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I've definitely seen this goal scorer before,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28either in an old World Cup sticker album or a vintage grot mag.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Hey, football stickers and grot mags - that's an idea.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34"Porn-ini." Get in, Jase.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41One of our sports teachers had a Graeme Souness muzzy.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Miss Campbell, her name was. Still would have, though.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Yeah, for me, Ruud Gullit's a classic example
0:27:50 > 0:27:53of someone who should never have shaved his 'tash off.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55You seen him recently?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58His whole face is just one massive, empty top lip.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Takes me back, this.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07I used to see blokes like this in me mum's catalogues.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09I say catalogues. I mean car.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Look at the state of that, that's not a fashion statement -
0:28:17 > 0:28:20he looks like he's been sleeping rough!
0:28:20 > 0:28:25Oh, don't kiss him, you'll catch something nasty.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Rivelino with a shot... And it's a beautiful goal!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33I'm sorry - is this section just blokes with facial hair
0:28:33 > 0:28:36scoring goals? What's the point?
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Socrates...
0:28:39 > 0:28:42..found the angle! Beauty!
0:28:42 > 0:28:44I'd love to comment on the actual goal,
0:28:44 > 0:28:48but this is the facial hair section, apparently, so I can't.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52This is pathetic. That's enough. I'm going for a swim.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54I'm not putting on me armbands, you can't make me.
0:29:02 > 0:29:03This is me.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06I come and look at this if I can't find a mirror.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08It's not great for shaving though.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Cost a few quid but it's definitely worth it, great for security -
0:29:11 > 0:29:14if people look through the letter box they see this, think I'm in,
0:29:14 > 0:29:16they don't burgle me. I like it.
0:29:16 > 0:29:20I had no idea I was that tall, or flat or painty.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24There's my post. These'll be from fans.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27Get a lot of fan mail.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29They've sent me a photo of me in me car.
0:29:29 > 0:29:30"Dear Mr Bent..."
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Hey, chill out, call me Jason.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37"This is the third time of writing to require payment.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40"We will be taking proceedings."
0:29:40 > 0:29:43Look, they've even put what speed I was going in me car.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46They're bloody obsessed. Love the fans.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54When you go up to take a penalty there's a huge
0:29:54 > 0:29:56weight on your shoulders.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59Score, and you're one step closer to winning the greatest
0:29:59 > 0:30:01tournament on earth.
0:30:01 > 0:30:06Miss, you get two weeks' extra holiday and a Pizza Hut advert.
0:30:06 > 0:30:11It's a massive dilemma. I treat my penalty taking very seriously.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15I take into account the keeper's record, my previous five penalties,
0:30:15 > 0:30:19the wind speed, the humidity, the length of the grass,
0:30:19 > 0:30:24then I shut my eyes and muller that bleedin' ball as hard as I can.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27Yeah, I miss sometimes, but I just open my eyes, run round,
0:30:27 > 0:30:29and have another go.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32The Germans are a lot better at penalties than we are,
0:30:32 > 0:30:34but there's a reason for that.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37We take our penalties from 12 yards,
0:30:37 > 0:30:41the Germans take theirs from 11 metres.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44It's one easier. It's cheating.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46If you think taking a penalty at the World Cup is pressure,
0:30:46 > 0:30:51apparently in America they've got this thing called the death penalty.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54That's pressure.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Here's a rusty man in terms of taking penalties.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00I'm a big fan of Shearer.
0:31:00 > 0:31:01He once called me
0:31:01 > 0:31:06the complete antithesis of what a professional footballer should be.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09Which I thought was dead nice considering I'd never even
0:31:09 > 0:31:10met the fella.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12Don't change your luck now.
0:31:12 > 0:31:13It's Owen...
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Michael Owen does very well there -
0:31:15 > 0:31:18he took that penalty two hours after his bedtime.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Yeah, I know you want your tea, Michael,
0:31:20 > 0:31:22and your blankie, and your bedtime story.
0:31:23 > 0:31:27Stands staring and shouting as in comes Lineker...and scores.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30Lineker again. Top lad.
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Give that man a crisp advert.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35Two goals for Gary Lineker from the penalty spot.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42What winds me up about Becks, he kisses the England badge,
0:31:42 > 0:31:45then just a year later he's playing for Madrid.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48There's no loyalty left in the international game.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50Lovely hair though.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53Beardsley... This was England's first-ever penalty shoot-out
0:31:53 > 0:31:56and Peter Beardsley has all the confidence of a man that
0:31:56 > 0:31:59doesn't know we're going to turn out to be
0:31:59 > 0:32:01completely crap at them for ever -
0:32:01 > 0:32:03starting in about two kicks' time, eh, Pearcey?
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Another England penalty shoot-out.
0:32:12 > 0:32:13There's the grim reaper.
0:32:15 > 0:32:19The only way for England to score a penalty - get a German to take it.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Top lad.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29I'm not just about football, I've got loads of hobbies.
0:32:29 > 0:32:30I collect 3D glasses.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34That's not even all of them.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40Bloody hell.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42Yous are so realistic.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45This is mental.
0:32:45 > 0:32:49I feel I can touch you. I feel like I'm touching you.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53This is a really weird experience.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02I'm known for scoring goals from distance -
0:33:02 > 0:33:04about three yards normally.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07Mind you, I scored from the halfway line once.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09I called that a screamer.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12Alan Hansen called it a reckless back pass.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Scarface...bastard.
0:33:17 > 0:33:22These are Jason Bent's Best Ever World Cup Screamer Goals Ever.
0:33:24 > 0:33:25Smashed it.
0:33:27 > 0:33:28He's bald.
0:33:30 > 0:33:31He's not.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33It's in.
0:33:35 > 0:33:40They're playing into Chilean hands - a lot of defenders back now.
0:33:40 > 0:33:41Not a bad try...
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Goal by Brietner. Goal. That's two I've done.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48Heinze. Tevez.
0:33:48 > 0:33:52Closed down a little belatedly, still Carlos Tevez went for goal...
0:33:52 > 0:33:53Yeah. Another one.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55I'm rattling through them.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Haan with the shot...
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Oh, it's gone in!
0:34:03 > 0:34:06Apparently Haan played for Holland, and the Netherlands, and the Dutch.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Bloody Judas.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10Muller's come inside now.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12Gets a pass away to Ozil...
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Wow. You try scoring a goal like that
0:34:15 > 0:34:18when both your eyes look in different directions.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Nedved in towards Koller. Away by Onyewu.
0:34:27 > 0:34:28Rosicky...
0:34:28 > 0:34:30Oh, what a goal!
0:34:30 > 0:34:33He looks great there. Then he played for Arsenal.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41Giovanni van Bronckhorst! Oh, what a goal.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44He looks great there. And then he played for Arsenal.
0:34:45 > 0:34:49Here's Amokachi, trying to go alone.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51Still Amokachi. Brilliant run.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53Oh, what a fantastic goal.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56He's done well there. Especially playing in his PJs.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03Figo's found Deco...
0:35:03 > 0:35:05And Deco has scored a screamer.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Of course he's scored a screamer,
0:35:07 > 0:35:09that's why he's in the screamer section.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12Belanov.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Rats.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18This is a striker called Rats beating a keeper called Bats.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20Rats versus Bats. That's funny!
0:35:20 > 0:35:21End of.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25This is Frings, who could try one from here.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28# All Frings bright and beautiful. #
0:35:30 > 0:35:32# Frings can only get better. #
0:35:32 > 0:35:34# Frings that make you go hmm. #
0:35:34 > 0:35:36How many more of these are there?
0:35:36 > 0:35:38I'm bored of World Cup goals.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Brazil. What a nation.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Not only have they given us the greatest football the world's ever
0:35:49 > 0:35:53seen, they've also invented some incredible stuff -
0:35:53 > 0:35:55the Brazil nut.
0:35:55 > 0:35:57Erm...shaving your snizz.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59I've been to Brazil.
0:35:59 > 0:36:04A lot of people live in these shanty towns called falafels...
0:36:04 > 0:36:05favelas.
0:36:07 > 0:36:12If you don't know what a favela is, imagine Wakefield and Bradford
0:36:12 > 0:36:16and Huddersfield stacked on top of each other and shoved up a hill.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19And if you can't imagine that, just picture Wolverhampton.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26It's called a free kick because it's free,
0:36:26 > 0:36:28and you're not allowed to head it.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31There's players who are specialist free-kick takers.
0:36:31 > 0:36:37I'm a specialist free-kick maker, like Ashley Young and Luis Suarez.
0:36:37 > 0:36:41Now it's time for Jason Bent's Best Ever World Cup Free Kicks Ever.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45Yeah. It was all right, wasn't it?
0:36:48 > 0:36:49It's Roberto Carlos...
0:36:49 > 0:36:52So much for the Great Wall of China - straight through.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58I'd have expected the Polish to put a better wall up.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Oh, Branco - poor lad.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08Shortly after this he suffered a terrible tragedy -
0:37:08 > 0:37:09he signed for Middlesbrough.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15You what? Yugoslavia against Zaire?
0:37:15 > 0:37:18Neither of them exist.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20Where was this World Cup? Narnia?
0:37:23 > 0:37:24It dipped - he's scored.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Ronaldo, eat your heart out.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32Suzuki Honda - the man's a genius.
0:37:32 > 0:37:37Loves a brand deal so much he sold his entire name to sponsors.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46Srna's poised to strike here, and he's got it over the wall and into...
0:37:46 > 0:37:47What a shot.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52Gaffer's happy. Or else he's lost the use of his legs.
0:37:52 > 0:37:53Either way, he's pleased.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57Looks like van Persie...
0:37:57 > 0:37:58Oh!
0:38:00 > 0:38:03You don't score better goals in a World Cup than that!
0:38:03 > 0:38:08Yes, you do.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11Are we done yet? Can we just finish?
0:38:15 > 0:38:19It was so interesting out in Africa. I went on safari
0:38:19 > 0:38:21and I killed three hippos.
0:38:21 > 0:38:26Apparently, there's only four left in the wild so I did really well.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28Turns out one was pregnant so really,
0:38:28 > 0:38:31that counts as four, doesn't it?
0:38:31 > 0:38:36It's such an experience to see wildlife up close like that,
0:38:36 > 0:38:38all dead.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40We went on an official tour of the townships.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43Fascinating - like a documentary.
0:38:43 > 0:38:48There was a tribe did a dance for us and I just thought,
0:38:48 > 0:38:51"Where the bloody hell have you been for the last 20 years?
0:38:51 > 0:38:53"What sort of moves are they?"
0:38:57 > 0:39:00I'll tell you why defenders are really important.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03Without them, midfielders would be the defenders...
0:39:03 > 0:39:05and strikers would be midfielders.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08And that means there'd be no strikers in the world.
0:39:08 > 0:39:12That's mad, that. Stuff like that makes you believe in the moon.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15What really winds me up about defenders is when they score a goal,
0:39:15 > 0:39:17cos that's a goal that should have been my goal.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19I'll say to them, "What are you playing at?
0:39:19 > 0:39:20"Stop nicking my goals."
0:39:20 > 0:39:24You'll never, ever see me tracking back and trying to do your job.
0:39:25 > 0:39:31These are me best-ever goals scored by defenders at World Cups ever.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39Edmilson makes the forward run.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Good fluidity of movement, options in the box.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45Oh! That's outrageous!
0:39:45 > 0:39:49I mean, what's a centre-back doing that far up the pitch?
0:39:49 > 0:39:51That's just poor bloody discipline.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Listen, Brazil, if you're going to play like that,
0:39:53 > 0:39:56you're never going to win anything.
0:39:58 > 0:39:59Felipe Melo, away to Elano.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Maicon overlapping...
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Ooh! Is this mic on?
0:40:03 > 0:40:04Is this mic on?
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Did you get that?
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Ha-ha! Brilliant.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Nelinho. Roberto making for the far post.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17Ooh, he's curled one! That's a great goal!
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Yeah, not bad, I s'pose.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22But I'd like to see him try that on a wet Wednesday in November
0:40:22 > 0:40:24against Stoke in the League Cup after
0:40:24 > 0:40:26drinking non-stop for 48 hours.
0:40:26 > 0:40:27Come on, England!
0:40:29 > 0:40:32Brehme.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34Beautiful goal, Brehme.
0:40:34 > 0:40:38It's heart-warming seeing thousands upon thousands of flag-waving
0:40:38 > 0:40:42Germans together in a stadium, celebrating world domination.
0:40:46 > 0:40:50It's in! Gary Breen.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55Holland? Holland playing for Ireland?
0:40:55 > 0:40:57That doesn't make sense, that. They're cheating.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00That's actually... They're cheats.
0:41:03 > 0:41:05Heinze, he scores!
0:41:05 > 0:41:09It's a soup-er goal! Do you get that?
0:41:09 > 0:41:13His name's Heinze. I said soup-er goal.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16Pleased with that. Ooh, does Sol Campbell score?
0:41:16 > 0:41:18I've just thought of something for him.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Here's Albert... Still Albert!
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Goal! Great goal, that.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32Hang on, he's got a moustache.
0:41:32 > 0:41:35He's got a moustache and he's in the defenders' goals section.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38I'm sorry, what's the point in having these categories
0:41:38 > 0:41:40if we're not going to stick to them?
0:41:44 > 0:41:47They say you have to be mad to be a goalkeeper.
0:41:47 > 0:41:52The other thing you have to be is fat at school and crap at football.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54Our keeper is known as "The Cat".
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Nothing to do with his agility,
0:41:56 > 0:41:59but if he lies on his back and you tickle his tummy he bites you.
0:41:59 > 0:42:01Don't do that.
0:42:06 > 0:42:07Here's Damien Duff again.
0:42:07 > 0:42:11Now, in fairness, it's easy to criticise,
0:42:11 > 0:42:13so that's what I'm going to do.
0:42:13 > 0:42:14He's crap. Next.
0:42:15 > 0:42:19Colombia, facing 12 minutes
0:42:19 > 0:42:21from the end of their hopes.
0:42:21 > 0:42:25And Higuita's got himself into trouble.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28Yep. Rubbish keeper. He's in the right section.
0:42:30 > 0:42:34Oh, so that's what them sticks in the corners are for,
0:42:34 > 0:42:35scratching your goolies.
0:42:39 > 0:42:44Ah, remember that? Greeny makes a terrible error there.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47We all knew what to do. We pulled together as a team.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50We knuckled down, we regrouped and sent him
0:42:50 > 0:42:52death threats hoping he'd leave the game.
0:42:52 > 0:42:54Knocked forward for Clarke.
0:42:54 > 0:42:58Out of his area.
0:42:58 > 0:43:01He scooped that hopelessly. Oh, and he's now slipped.
0:43:01 > 0:43:04Well, I've heard of having a few drinks after the game,
0:43:04 > 0:43:08but never before and during. Top lad, I suppose.
0:43:08 > 0:43:12Kovac, looked as though he was setting himself.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15He's getting closer! Just missed it!
0:43:15 > 0:43:19As an expert pundit, I've spotted exactly what the keeper did wrong
0:43:19 > 0:43:22there - he turned up even though he's bloody useless at football.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31The keeper's come and he's not got there.
0:43:31 > 0:43:35Now here's a lesson for all young keepers out there.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37If you're going to come out and punch,
0:43:37 > 0:43:40you've got to make contact with the striker's head.
0:43:40 > 0:43:42Completely missed it.
0:43:42 > 0:43:44Now it's Bonev.
0:43:44 > 0:43:46Oh, he's scored.
0:43:46 > 0:43:48Another rubbish keeper. Brilliant. Move on.
0:43:51 > 0:43:53Good play by Wim Jonk.
0:43:53 > 0:43:55Goes for the shot this time.
0:43:55 > 0:43:57Oh!
0:43:57 > 0:43:59'Ey, Dick Advocaat.
0:43:59 > 0:44:02My mother-in-law's two favourite things.
0:44:03 > 0:44:05Valdomiro!
0:44:07 > 0:44:08Oh, bad mistake.
0:44:08 > 0:44:13Yeah, a goalkeeper's never meant to be beaten at his near post...
0:44:13 > 0:44:16or his far post, I suppose...
0:44:16 > 0:44:17or the bit in the middle, to be fair,
0:44:17 > 0:44:20otherwise what's the point in a goalkeeper?
0:44:20 > 0:44:22Yeah, good point, Jase. Thank you, Jase.
0:44:27 > 0:44:29It's all very well being a Premier League footballer,
0:44:29 > 0:44:32but if you want to stand out from the crowd and get to that
0:44:32 > 0:44:36next level of fame, you need something a little bit special.
0:44:36 > 0:44:3920 goals a season, scoring for your country.
0:44:39 > 0:44:43Or for me it was getting nicked copping off in a lay-by
0:44:43 > 0:44:45with the runner-up of Big Brother.
0:44:45 > 0:44:49Erm, I'm still in touch with him actually. Top lad.
0:44:49 > 0:44:53Has success changed me? Not at all.
0:44:53 > 0:44:55Take away the 38 million quid, the tan, the 12 cars,
0:44:55 > 0:44:58the eight houses, the shark tank, the petting zoo
0:44:58 > 0:45:01and the fighter jets, I'm still just plain old Jase.
0:45:01 > 0:45:04Yeah, it's nice to have a bit of cash,
0:45:04 > 0:45:06but I still try to watch what I spend.
0:45:06 > 0:45:10I like spending money on clothes, but I'm not stupid.
0:45:10 > 0:45:14Yeah, OK, this suit cost 1.2 million quid,
0:45:14 > 0:45:19but it's the actual suit that Jesus was crucified in.
0:45:19 > 0:45:22That's what the bloke in the shop said, and he should know.
0:45:22 > 0:45:25He told me he used to be the king of Israel.
0:45:31 > 0:45:34I'm Jason Bent. And these are some lobs...
0:45:34 > 0:45:35ever.
0:45:35 > 0:45:37Slovakia show it.
0:45:37 > 0:45:40Oh, and Marchetti's under pressure and is it in? Yes, it is!
0:45:40 > 0:45:43I haven't seen a skinhead screaming like that
0:45:43 > 0:45:45since Britney had her breakdown.
0:45:45 > 0:45:46Top lad.
0:45:48 > 0:45:49Oooh!
0:45:49 > 0:45:55Cracking goal by Quag...Quack...Qwog...Italy!
0:45:59 > 0:46:02This is Degryse. The keeper's come right out of his area.
0:46:02 > 0:46:06Oooh, Degryse, aren't you the big man?
0:46:06 > 0:46:07Well done, mate.
0:46:07 > 0:46:11Lobbing a teeny, tiny keeper from Korea, that's hard, isn't it(?)
0:46:11 > 0:46:13Pick on someone your own size.
0:46:16 > 0:46:17Ray Houghton.
0:46:17 > 0:46:21It's that age-old story of a Scotsman brought up in England
0:46:21 > 0:46:25playing for Ireland against Italy in America, doing a roly-poly.
0:46:25 > 0:46:26Next...
0:46:26 > 0:46:29Ooh, he's called Kiss.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31Now if he scores, he's got to give someone a kiss.
0:46:31 > 0:46:34He's scored, Give someone a kiss, Kiss.
0:46:34 > 0:46:37Yes, he's done it, someone give him one back, yes!
0:46:37 > 0:46:40Kiss has kissed someone and Kiss has been kissed by someone.
0:46:40 > 0:46:42It's brilliant.
0:46:42 > 0:46:45Through to Ilie who could go all the way through.
0:46:45 > 0:46:48Yeah, a good goal, I suppose, but we've just seen Kiss kiss someone
0:46:48 > 0:46:51and someone else kissing Kiss, so can we stop now?
0:46:55 > 0:47:01Image is so important. What would a footballer be without an image?
0:47:01 > 0:47:03That's right - Mark Lawrenson.
0:47:04 > 0:47:07I've always tried to follow in Becks' footsteps with my
0:47:07 > 0:47:12hairstyles, but I've never tried the cornrows, though, mainly cos when
0:47:12 > 0:47:17you're white and you get cornrows, you look like a complete bloody div.
0:47:17 > 0:47:21You don't see black people walking around
0:47:21 > 0:47:24with, like, a Ken Barlow side parting, do you?
0:47:24 > 0:47:26And if I did and I saw them,
0:47:26 > 0:47:31I'd say, "Mate, you look like a complete bloody div.
0:47:31 > 0:47:35"Sort your haircut out. Bastards!"
0:47:36 > 0:47:38Can we take five?
0:47:38 > 0:47:41Yeah. Let's take five.
0:47:43 > 0:47:47People often say to me -
0:47:47 > 0:47:50"Jase, wouldn't you have loved to play in the '70s -
0:47:50 > 0:47:52"the birds, the booze, the clubbing?"
0:47:52 > 0:47:54And I say, "No, I do that now anyway."
0:47:54 > 0:47:57Plus, the money was crap back then and to top it all off,
0:47:57 > 0:47:59you had to have a haircut like Katy Perry.
0:48:03 > 0:48:05Roberto Baggio's throwing it in. Yes!
0:48:06 > 0:48:08Now, listen -
0:48:08 > 0:48:11the only time a beaded ponytail is acceptable is
0:48:11 > 0:48:14if you're an eight-year-old girl on holiday in Lanzarote.
0:48:14 > 0:48:18And to be honest, if I saw an eight-year-old girl on holiday in
0:48:18 > 0:48:22Lanzarote with a beaded ponytail, I'd still want to give her a slap.
0:48:22 > 0:48:26Roberto, what were you thinking, man?
0:48:26 > 0:48:28And Valderrama is away!
0:48:30 > 0:48:33Carlos Valderrama and that famous barnet.
0:48:34 > 0:48:36I once tried to do this to my own hair, actually.
0:48:36 > 0:48:39Yeah, I missed the first half arsing about with curling tongs.
0:48:39 > 0:48:43In fact, it's one of the few things Colombians have got to offer
0:48:43 > 0:48:44I'd say no to.
0:48:44 > 0:48:45Boka to try again.
0:48:47 > 0:48:51Now, here is the first referee I've ever respected, cos the most
0:48:51 > 0:48:54eye-catching haircut on the field belongs to him.
0:48:54 > 0:48:57He's painted the top of his head black and varnished it.
0:48:57 > 0:48:58Top lad.
0:49:04 > 0:49:09This is the Jason Bent experience - it's a museum dedicated to me.
0:49:09 > 0:49:12Erm, I like to come here when I want to think about me.
0:49:14 > 0:49:17Or if I've been thinking about me somewhere else and I want somewhere
0:49:17 > 0:49:21different to think about me, then I'll come here and think about me.
0:49:24 > 0:49:27This is my collection of signed shirts. Check them out.
0:49:27 > 0:49:29I sign all me own shirts.
0:49:29 > 0:49:31"Dear Jason, all the best, Jason."
0:49:32 > 0:49:35"Dear Jason, get well soon, Jason."
0:49:35 > 0:49:38Wasn't feeling great that day.
0:49:39 > 0:49:44"To Jason, keep it up, love Jason." Bit patronising, that one.
0:49:44 > 0:49:47Now, this shirt was meant to be auctioned at a big charity
0:49:47 > 0:49:49dinner in aid of poorly kids.
0:49:49 > 0:49:54Could've made millions, but I really like it so I kept it.
0:49:55 > 0:49:59This I got playing snakes and ladders.
0:49:59 > 0:50:00I came second.
0:50:05 > 0:50:07This is a replica of the trophy I won...
0:50:08 > 0:50:12..or would've won if any of the teams I play for had won one.
0:50:13 > 0:50:17This is Profit, the official smell of Jason Bent.
0:50:17 > 0:50:18HE SNIFFS
0:50:19 > 0:50:21Gets me going every time.
0:50:23 > 0:50:28Now, for me, I'm not just a footballer, I'm also an artist.
0:50:28 > 0:50:32This here is a robot that I made out of cardboard and stuff -
0:50:32 > 0:50:37this was chocolates, this was from one of them miniature cereal boxes.
0:50:39 > 0:50:42His name's Dominic. Shall we have a look at Dominic again?
0:50:42 > 0:50:44"I am a robot."
0:50:44 > 0:50:47This, I found on the beach.
0:50:48 > 0:50:50Still signed it.
0:50:52 > 0:50:54Here we go.
0:50:56 > 0:50:58This is actually a candle.
0:51:04 > 0:51:07Footballers are quite superstitious.
0:51:07 > 0:51:12I've got a 40-point pre-match ritual starting a month before each game.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15Begins with me mowing the lawn backwards, ends with
0:51:15 > 0:51:19a priest dousing me house in cat's blood the night before kick-off.
0:51:19 > 0:51:21There can be problems
0:51:21 > 0:51:25when two players have exactly the same superstition.
0:51:25 > 0:51:28Me and Tommo have to be the last to leave the dressing room
0:51:28 > 0:51:32before a match, so neither of us has actually played for two seasons.
0:51:33 > 0:51:36Caminero and Salinas waiting in the centre.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38Oh! It's gone in!
0:51:38 > 0:51:42OK, that's a little bit lucky, that - but don't call it a fluke,
0:51:42 > 0:51:45not when it's against the Germans. Let's call it karma.
0:51:47 > 0:51:49Matthaus for Heinrich.
0:51:50 > 0:51:53Oh, he's hit the post, but Klinsmann!
0:51:53 > 0:51:56Now, that one is definitely pure fluke.
0:51:56 > 0:51:58The ball's just hit him
0:51:58 > 0:52:01while he's in the middle of diving for a penalty.
0:52:03 > 0:52:04Good delivery!
0:52:04 > 0:52:06I don't understand.
0:52:06 > 0:52:08Why is that a fluke? That's a good header, that.
0:52:08 > 0:52:11You've got this wrong, this isn't a fluke...
0:52:11 > 0:52:14Oh, I see, he's whacked it in with his goolie-whackers.
0:52:14 > 0:52:16Yeah, it's in the right section. Good stuff.
0:52:18 > 0:52:21And it's been deflected, and it's in the net.
0:52:21 > 0:52:26Apparently, this was Peter Shilton's 950th cap. He was nearly 80,
0:52:26 > 0:52:29and he couldn't jump because of his knackered old bones.
0:52:29 > 0:52:31Poor fella.
0:52:31 > 0:52:34If he was a horse, they'd have wrapped the green screen round him
0:52:34 > 0:52:35and shot him.
0:52:37 > 0:52:39It's a goal!
0:52:40 > 0:52:44Ronaldinho said he meant that. He called it "The Floating Leaf".
0:52:44 > 0:52:46I call that "The Talking Crap".
0:52:52 > 0:52:53Here we go, then.
0:52:53 > 0:52:56If you've watched all of the show up till now,
0:52:56 > 0:52:58bloody well done, you nutcase.
0:52:58 > 0:53:01This is the bit we've been waiting for.
0:53:01 > 0:53:04The finale, here we go!
0:53:04 > 0:53:09These are Jason Bent's greatest ever World Cup goals ever,
0:53:09 > 0:53:15as personally chosen by a BBC researcher I've never met.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17They might be quite good. I've no idea.
0:53:17 > 0:53:19I've never seen them.
0:53:21 > 0:53:25There he is. Pele, the world's second-best player...after me.
0:53:27 > 0:53:31'Ey, come on, where's the defending? Is this a testimonial or something?
0:53:31 > 0:53:34Yeah, don't bother yourselves, lads, it's only the World bloody Cup!
0:53:35 > 0:53:38Now it's Cruyff's turn - did you hear that?
0:53:38 > 0:53:40I didn't even mean it.
0:53:42 > 0:53:45Holland playing Total Football, a system subtly
0:53:45 > 0:53:50adapted by England in every World Cup since, called Total Cack.
0:53:50 > 0:53:52The finish, superb.
0:53:55 > 0:53:59Careca and Casagrande waiting for a cross there...and Josimar!
0:53:59 > 0:54:03Come on, how can this be one of the best ever World Cup goals
0:54:03 > 0:54:05when they're playing Northern Ireland?
0:54:05 > 0:54:09Me nan could score a goal against Northern Ireland and me nan's dead.
0:54:13 > 0:54:16Beautifully brought down by Bergkamp!
0:54:16 > 0:54:17Oh, what a goal!
0:54:17 > 0:54:21I'm sorry, again - best ever World Cup Goals?
0:54:21 > 0:54:24Come on, that's route one football,
0:54:24 > 0:54:26defender's just lumped it up there.
0:54:26 > 0:54:30There's no skill in this whatsoever, it's embarrassing.
0:54:33 > 0:54:35Baggio!
0:54:35 > 0:54:37And still Baggio!
0:54:37 > 0:54:40And he's taking them all on.
0:54:40 > 0:54:41That's a fantastic goal!
0:54:41 > 0:54:44I tell you what, you wouldn't want to be a supporter
0:54:44 > 0:54:46when your team are playing Italy.
0:54:46 > 0:54:46It's not that they're all that good,
0:54:46 > 0:54:51it's just that the national anthem lasts for about 18 minutes.
0:54:51 > 0:54:56How can you expect the fans to boo for that long?
0:54:56 > 0:54:58Oh, don't show this one. Come on.
0:54:58 > 0:55:05Ugh, Diego Maradona against England, 1986, the hand of bloody G... Oooh!
0:55:05 > 0:55:06He's used his feet.
0:55:06 > 0:55:09Er, sorry, Diego, we got that one wrong.
0:55:12 > 0:55:15Low-tar Matthaus?
0:55:15 > 0:55:17I wouldn't smoke anything else.
0:55:17 > 0:55:19Did you hear that? Low-tar, as in fags.
0:55:21 > 0:55:23Brilliant. You're on great form today, Jase. I know.
0:55:25 > 0:55:27So here we go -
0:55:27 > 0:55:29the greatest ever World Cup goal.
0:55:29 > 0:55:31Just count the passes.
0:55:31 > 0:55:34No, seriously, you count the passes, I'm done.
0:55:34 > 0:55:36You've had your hour. I'm off the clock.
0:55:36 > 0:55:39Can someone get me my money now?
0:55:39 > 0:55:43I've seen so many bloody goals, I feel sick.
0:55:43 > 0:55:48Come on, make it stop, please. Just make it stop. Who's got me money?
0:55:48 > 0:55:51How many clips of the World Cup can one person watch?
0:55:51 > 0:55:56I've watched too much football. You've ruined the World Cup for me.
0:55:56 > 0:56:00I never want to see another goal again, I never want to play again.
0:56:00 > 0:56:02Someone give me my money!