:00:19. > :00:27.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We are in simulcast, people!
:00:27. > :00:32.Two viewers, what's up? Over here, we can say boobs, bum and
:00:32. > :00:39.Tupperware. BBC One is leaving us at any moment. So switch to Two.
:00:40. > :00:49.Switch to Two, everyone. We love you. We are going to Two! Bye.
:00:50. > :00:51.
:00:51. > :00:56.is BBC Two. APPLAUSE Brilliant. Hello, BBC Two. We made it. We are
:00:56. > :01:00.presenting for the first time. first time. Good luck, everyone.
:01:00. > :01:04.is only for half an hour and it is only on BBC Two. We should give
:01:04. > :01:10.your BBC Two viewers something only they deserve and that is you
:01:10. > :01:18.dancing in nothing but your what I call briefs!
:01:18. > :01:24.# You can dance, you can jive # You can dance, you can jive
:01:24. > :01:34.# Having the time of your life see that girl, watch that scene
:01:34. > :01:36.
:01:36. > :01:39.APPLAUSE All right, you know that song was
:01:40. > :01:49.written about me. That is evident for all to see. Calm down, this is
:01:50. > :01:51.
:01:51. > :01:56.important. A few minutes ago, we announced that we have raised a
:01:56. > :02:00.staggering �29,143,340. Wow! Brilliant. I have decided that is
:02:00. > :02:06.not enough. So here is the deal. If we can raise that total by �1
:02:06. > :02:10.million in the next 30 minutes, David, what I have decided is, you
:02:10. > :02:16.will re-create that brief performance live in the studio.
:02:16. > :02:20.Very clever. Yeah? Yeah, I mean, if I can do it naked! With the briefs,
:02:20. > :02:25.please. I will do it if you do it with me. Definitely not. What if
:02:25. > :02:32.you are naked from the waist down? Sure! OK. Start phoning now. Or if
:02:32. > :02:39.you don't want to see it, don't! Time to move on. Coming up: A right
:02:39. > :02:45.Royal episode of Twenty Twelve, Blue Peter's Helen Skelton will be
:02:45. > :02:51.here. Just because she went to the Antarctic and you had paled down a
:02:52. > :02:55.stream for a bit. The Thames gets pretty cold. Jealousy is an ugly
:02:55. > :03:00.emotion. You have poisoned the atmosphere. We have a better way to
:03:00. > :03:09.lighten the mood. Here is a bite- sized special of Never Mind The
:03:09. > :03:19.Hello there and welcome Never Mind The Buzzcocks
:03:19. > :03:19.
:03:19. > :03:29.I'm Jake Humphrey, and for once, And alongside me tonight,
:03:29. > :03:29.
:03:29. > :03:39.And please put your hands together And across the way,
:03:39. > :03:49.
:03:50. > :03:59.OK, we're going to kick off the is make your way round
:04:00. > :04:01.
:04:01. > :04:08.and come and join Phill, Austin Very nice. It's now time
:04:08. > :04:18.This is like the shittest You'd win, though,
:04:18. > :04:20.
:04:20. > :04:25.For the audience only, England and Spurs legends
:04:25. > :04:30.# The colours changed Rearranged my life
:04:30. > :04:34.# Darling, I love you Those diamond lights...
:04:34. > :04:37.# I'll always want you
:04:37. > :04:39.# Darling, I love you. #
:04:39. > :04:42.APPLAUSE
:04:42. > :04:45.That was, of course, Hoddle and Waddle with Diamond Lights.
:04:45. > :04:49.But which of our line-up is the song's writer, producer
:04:49. > :04:53.and keyboard player, Robert Puzey?
:04:53. > :04:56.Is it number one, diamond lights?
:04:56. > :04:59.Number two, diamond geezer?
:04:59. > :05:02.Number three, Diamante?
:05:02. > :05:05.Number four, blood diamond?
:05:05. > :05:09.Or number five, diarrhoea?
:05:09. > :05:14.As Mel C rightly pointed out, number one is Frank Skinner.
:05:14. > :05:18.Should I say? Is it too soon to say? It's too soon! I'm interested now.
:05:18. > :05:21.You've come to this conclusion. Can you tell us?
:05:21. > :05:23.I'm not telling you, I'm not on your team. I'd go for four.
:05:23. > :05:25.I'm sure we're just one team, aren't we, now?
:05:25. > :05:26.You've got to have a winner and a loser in this life.
:05:26. > :05:28.You always have to have a winner
:05:28. > :05:31.and the loser has to get the shit kicked out of them.
:05:31. > :05:35.And then the loser has to do PE in his vest and pants.
:05:35. > :05:38.And go home crying. "But I'm good at drawing!"
:05:38. > :05:42."Lock off, Fielding."
:05:42. > :05:45.I've seen number three in a film where he went into a kitchen
:05:45. > :05:48.and said, "Hey, I come to fix your washing machine, yes?"
:05:48. > :05:51.I've seen that film. It's great, isn't it?
:05:51. > :05:53.What happens at the end of that film?
:05:53. > :05:57.He doesn't have the parts,he says he'll come back in two weeks.
:05:57. > :05:59.It's one, he's got confidence, look at him.
:06:00. > :06:01.What are you going for? Are you going for four?
:06:01. > :06:03.They're not on our team, though. Copying our work.
:06:03. > :06:04.But I'm saying we should go for something different,
:06:04. > :06:05.get a bit of competition going.
:06:05. > :06:07.This is hardly work, is it?
:06:07. > :06:12.Come on, what do we think? Number five yawned!
:06:12. > :06:16.Um, four. OK, Phill's team is saying four. Noel?
:06:16. > :06:18.One, two, three or five? What do you think?
:06:18. > :06:23.Thanks, I am thick, but I'm not that thick.
:06:23. > :06:27.One? Yeah, one. All right. OK, you're going number one? Let's find out.
:06:27. > :06:37.Would the real Robert Puzey please remove his wig and step forward?
:06:37. > :06:39.
:06:39. > :06:42.Now a personal meditation and yoga teacher.
:06:42. > :06:44.Robert Puzey, ladies and gentlemen.
:06:44. > :06:47.Robert, thank you very much, well done.
:06:47. > :06:50.No points to either team. Please make your way back.
:06:50. > :06:53.Well done, everyone, a good effort.
:06:53. > :06:55.Well done.
:06:55. > :06:57.OK, time for our next lines round.
:06:57. > :06:58.As it's Sport Relief,
:06:58. > :07:01.there's a distinctly sporty theme to all of the lyrics.
:07:01. > :07:03.I'll read out the first line of a song
:07:03. > :07:04.and then all the teams have to do is give me the next one.
:07:05. > :07:07.Noel's team, you're up first.
:07:07. > :07:12.And your time...starts...now.
:07:12. > :07:15.It's the eye of the tiger.
:07:15. > :07:19.# It's the eye of the tiger It's the thrill of the fight. #
:07:19. > :07:22.Is the right answer. Survivor, Eye of the Tiger, well done. OK.
:07:22. > :07:25.Good one for you here, Tim. Three lions on a shirt.
:07:25. > :07:27.Jules Rimet's still gleaming.
:07:27. > :07:28.Baddiel, Skinner and the Lightning Seeds with Three Lions,
:07:28. > :07:30.it's the right answer.
:07:30. > :07:32.Dur, dur, dur, dur, dur, dur, dur.
:07:32. > :07:34.MEL SINGS "MATCH OF THE DAY" THEME
:07:34. > :07:39.How did you get that?
:07:39. > :07:41.How did you get that? Well done.
:07:41. > :07:44.I'll give you a bonus point if you can tell me who wrote it.
:07:44. > :07:47.I was going to say Jimmy Hill, but he wrote... Jimi Hendrix. Hold on!
:07:47. > :07:50.You think Jimmy Hill wrote the theme tune to Match Of The Day?- Tangerine Dream!
:07:50. > :07:54.Jimmy Hill - he wrote 99 Problems But A Bitch Ain't One.
:07:54. > :07:58.99 problems, but a bitch ain't one of them.
:07:58. > :08:01.Barry Stoller. Of course! Of course it was Barry Stoller. OK.
:08:01. > :08:05.You've got to hold and give. And do it at the right time.
:08:05. > :08:10.You've got to... You can be slow or- fast. But you must get to the line.
:08:10. > :08:13.New Order, World In Motion. Well done.
:08:13. > :08:16.Well done.
:08:16. > :08:19.Phill's team. Are you ready? Nope!
:08:19. > :08:21.I'm forever blowing bubbles.
:08:21. > :08:22.Pretty bubbles in the air.
:08:22. > :08:26.West Ham's 1975 cup final song. Damn straight.
:08:26. > :08:31.Dum dum, dum dum, dum dum dum dum, dum dum.
:08:31. > :08:33.Dum dum dum dum dum.
:08:33. > :08:37.Just do it once more. OK, I'll give you another version.
:08:37. > :08:41.# Dum, dum-dum-dum Dum-dum-dum-dum-duuum, dum
:08:41. > :08:48.# Dum, dum-dum-dum Dum-dum-dum-dum-duuum, dum. #
:08:48. > :08:50.Is that it? That's it.
:08:50. > :08:53.The correct answer, Fleetwood Mac, The Chain, well done. OK.
:08:53. > :08:56.I looked over Jordan. And what did I see?
:08:56. > :08:59.Peter Andre.
:08:59. > :09:03.You've only read my line. Coming for to carry me home.
:09:03. > :09:07.Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. Correct answer.
:09:07. > :09:09.You're out of time!
:09:09. > :09:13.You're out of time with two left.
:09:13. > :09:15.And that brings us to the final scores.
:09:15. > :09:21.Second on the podium is Phill's team. Good effort, unlucky.
:09:21. > :09:25.Which means in pole position this week, Noel Fielding's team!
:09:25. > :09:29.Well done to Noel's team.
:09:29. > :09:31.And well done to you at home if you've already donated tonight.
:09:32. > :09:33.I've been Jake Humphrey,
:09:33. > :09:37.this has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks for Sport Relief
:09:37. > :09:39.and there's only one way to say good night.
:09:39. > :09:41.Are you ready for this, Louise?
:09:41. > :09:44.You're going to be suitably impressed.
:09:44. > :09:54.MUSIC: "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac
:09:54. > :10:07.
:10:07. > :10:08.APPLAUSE
:10:08. > :10:08.APPLAUSE Thank
:10:08. > :10:09.Thank you.
:10:09. > :10:09.Thank you. Thank
:10:09. > :10:13.Thank you. Thank you
:10:13. > :10:18.Thank you. Thank you to the gorgeous Jake Humphrey for that
:10:18. > :10:22.guitar solo. It will never work between us. He watches Formula One,
:10:22. > :10:26.I watch Cash In The Attic. If you lovely lot manage to raise the
:10:26. > :10:33.total by �1 million before our bit is over, we will dance in nothing
:10:33. > :10:39.but our swimming costumes. Please call now - 03457 910 910. Will you
:10:39. > :10:43.wear the bikini? You would look better in it! Yeah. JLS have been
:10:43. > :10:47.stars for this year's Sport Relief. Not only are they exceptionally
:10:47. > :10:52.nice guys, they have also seen first-hand why your money is so
:10:52. > :11:02.desperately needed. Here is a short film about what happened when they
:11:02. > :11:20.
:11:20. > :11:30.and he's suffering to see a mother have
:11:30. > :11:32.
:11:32. > :11:42.So many kids in here, Every single one of them
:11:42. > :12:03.
:12:03. > :12:09.It is not right. In countries like this, a child dies every 20 seconds
:12:09. > :12:19.this, a child dies every 20 seconds from a vaccine-preventable disease.
:12:19. > :12:34.
:12:34. > :12:44.It's terrible. Terrible. Terrible news. Yeah. There is no reason why
:12:44. > :12:45.
:12:45. > :12:51.he should have died today. Your money could buy simple vaccines
:12:51. > :12:58.that WILL save children's lives. Please, don't wait. Call now -
:12:58. > :13:03.03457 910 910. And give what you can. Every child death is
:13:03. > :13:07.desperately sad. What makes a death like Mohammed's so unbearable is a
:13:07. > :13:11.vaccination might have prevented it. There's a vaccine that protects
:13:11. > :13:15.kids from five killer diseases. This is it. It costs �5 to protect
:13:15. > :13:21.a child's life. Such a small amount of money and you can't put a price
:13:21. > :13:26.on the difference it will make, so, please, call - 03457 910 910. Thank
:13:26. > :13:33.you. Now, if you missed the top of our part, you won't be aware of a
:13:33. > :13:39.very important announcement. Myself, David Walliams, and my co-host,
:13:39. > :13:44.Miranda Hart... Hello. Have agreed to relinquish any remains of self-
:13:44. > :13:48.dignity and dance live on TV in nothing but our swimwear. It will
:13:48. > :13:52.be like Baywatch the Musical. We will only do this if we can raise
:13:52. > :13:58.our total by �1 million before Sport Relief returns to BBC One.
:13:58. > :14:05.I'm nervous now. I haven't worn a swimsuit since 1979. I even shower
:14:05. > :14:10.in a smock! LAUGHTERLy do it if you send in your cash. I bet most of
:14:10. > :14:13.you will be tapping away on one of these now - it is the wrong pocket!
:14:14. > :14:21.LAUGHTER Just in case - one of these. I would say please put down
:14:21. > :14:28.your phone and focus on me, but tonight I'm saying text, text, text.
:14:28. > :14:33.To donate �10 text "yes" to 70010. Texts cost �10 plus your standard
:14:33. > :14:36.network message charge - I feel like a proper presenter - and the
:14:36. > :14:40.whole �10 goes to Sport Relief. Full terms and conditions can be
:14:40. > :14:50.found... Very good! bbc.co.uk/sportrelief. They do that,
:14:50. > :14:52.
:14:52. > :14:55.don't they - slash Sport Relief. will be TV gold! It is a spectacle
:14:55. > :15:00.YOU can't miss so text away. The thought of Miranda dancing in a
:15:00. > :15:06.swimsuit, it will make me put my hand in my pocket, if you know what
:15:06. > :15:14.I mean! LAUGHTER You get it? Yeah. You get what I did there? Yeah.
:15:14. > :15:18.Rude! Rude. Now, when I first heard about this next sketch, I did a wee.
:15:18. > :15:23.Starring His Royal Actorness, Hugh Bonneville, His Royal Olympicness,
:15:23. > :15:32.Sir Steve Redgrave, and Her Actual Royal Highness-ness, sort of, Zara
:15:32. > :15:40.'Another morning at the Olympic 'and, after a meeting with
:15:40. > :15:47.'has summoned his team together 'Head of Infrastructure -
:15:47. > :15:50.'Siobhan Sharpe from PR compnay Fran, OK, call me. I've got to go.
:15:50. > :15:52.Right are you? Yeah, I'm totally good. Good.
:15:52. > :15:55.OK. Well, basically what's become clear is that Seb's kind of assuming
:15:55. > :16:00.that 2012 is going to be represented at the Sport Relief weekend in March.
:16:00. > :16:05.Oh, that's great that is(!) Did youtell him you were already organising the big games?
:16:05. > :16:06.Obviously this is a terrific opportunity for us the plant
:16:07. > :16:10.the 2012 flag firmly in the Sport Relief soil and see what comes up.
:16:10. > :16:12.Sure. Totally. Well, that's easy.
:16:12. > :16:15.When have we got to do all this planting by?
:16:15. > :16:17.I know the Sport Relief press launches this afternoon.
:16:17. > :16:20.So if we can come up with something by lunchtime... OK.
:16:20. > :16:22.What? This lunchtime? Hellfire(!) That's like now.
:16:22. > :16:25.How's that going to work? Well, no. That's already now.
:16:25. > :16:28.The first thing to come up with is a name that we all feel
:16:28. > :16:32.will be great to have associated with the Twenty Twelve as a brand.
:16:32. > :16:34.Cool. So, Siobhan, as Head of Brand,
:16:34. > :16:38.perhaps you'd like to... No, no, that's a terrific idea.
:16:38. > :16:40.Yes, OK. So in terms of actual ideas actually from you.
:16:40. > :16:44.No, sure. No, totally
:16:44. > :16:47.Um, so what we do here is we go round the room and names,
:16:47. > :16:50.names, names but don't think, just see what comes out. Graham, go!
:16:51. > :16:55.What? Me? No, I... No, don't think, just say stuff.
:16:55. > :16:58.In other words, just be your natural self.
:16:58. > :17:00.It's just really like... You can be as lateral as you like. Go!
:17:00. > :17:02.Um, er... Sir Cliff Richard.
:17:02. > :17:05.No. No. I don't think...
:17:05. > :17:08.Sir Richard Branson. No, not him. No.
:17:08. > :17:11.Sir Jimmy Savile OK, that's better.
:17:11. > :17:11.I don't want to be picky, but isn't he technically dead?
:17:11. > :17:16.I think he is, yes.
:17:17. > :17:19.I'm just being lateral here, guys, all right?
:17:20. > :17:23.'As time ticks away, Ian is aware that if they are to come up with
:17:23. > :17:26.'a list of appropriate names by lunchtime,
:17:26. > :17:28.'at some point they are going to have to move beyond inappropriate ones.'
:17:28. > :17:30.The choir guy with the hair.
:17:30. > :17:32.Nigel Kennedy. Right.
:17:32. > :17:34.OK, if I could just sum up where we've got to so far.
:17:34. > :17:37.So far we've come up with Usain Bolt, Geoffrey Boycott, Michelle Obama.
:17:37. > :17:38.We love Michelle. We love her arms. What?
:17:38. > :17:40.Sir Jimmy Savile - deceased.
:17:40. > :17:43.And the guy who does choirs who isn't either Brian Cox or Gary Rhodes.
:17:43. > :17:44.Oh, right, OK.
:17:44. > :17:46.I think we need to go round again. KNOCKING
:17:46. > :17:51.Sorry. Hey, Dan. We are actually a bit busy...
:17:52. > :17:55.'But suddenly PA Daniel Stroud has arrived out of nowhere with some news.'
:17:55. > :17:57.I've just had a call from upstairs.
:17:57. > :17:59.Oh, here we go. No it's good news. It's great news.
:17:59. > :18:01.Seb's just been in this meeting with Zara Phillips and Sir Steve Redgrave.
:18:01. > :18:02.Oh, right.
:18:02. > :18:07.Basically he's given them the impression that his team, that's you guys, have been working on
:18:07. > :18:09.ideas of things the two of them could do for Sports Relief.
:18:10. > :18:11.You mean he's offered it to them?
:18:11. > :18:13.I know. I'm very excited. Now I've got to go up and get them.
:18:13. > :18:16.Daniel, how long do you think you could keep them talking before they notice anything odd?
:18:16. > :18:19.I'm good at talking, it's my favourite.
:18:19. > :18:26.Well, today's the day that becomnes helpful. So do your best.
:18:26. > :18:28.Right, OK, I think the main thing now is just to stay calm.
:18:28. > :18:31.OK, are you sure? So here's a thing with this.
:18:31. > :18:34.Um, OK, here's what we do here. The thing with this is, here's what it is with this.
:18:35. > :18:37.OK, what we do here is... The thing with this is..
:18:37. > :18:39.Siobhan, can you stop talking, please? Yuh. Sure.
:18:39. > :18:41.I'm sorry, we haven't got time for... No, I'm totally good on that.
:18:41. > :18:43.So what are we dealing with here?
:18:43. > :18:45.Rowing, riding, horses, water, we've got the Sport Relief mile.
:18:45. > :18:47.We just need to find a way of combining these.
:18:47. > :18:50.Can Zara Phillips swim? Well, I mean,
:18:50. > :18:54.let's assume for the purposes of our... For that matter, can Steve Redgrave jump?
:18:54. > :18:56.Yeah, nice one. Cool. Jump what?
:18:56. > :18:58.That's up to him, isn't it?
:18:58. > :19:00.So can she jump over him? No.
:19:00. > :19:02.Well, let's just be creative here.
:19:02. > :19:03.Do you think her horse can swim?
:19:03. > :19:05.Let's go beyond jumping and swimming altogether
:19:05. > :19:09.What about he rows his boat under a mile of horses?
:19:09. > :19:11.Hellfire. And the key.... No, that's wrong.
:19:11. > :19:15.I think the absolute key thing...KNOCKING
:19:15. > :19:20.Hey, everybody. Brilliant(!) what can I say?.
:19:20. > :19:23.Sir Steve Redgrave and the most utterly Royal Miss Zara Phillips.
:19:23. > :19:27.Well. Yay.
:19:27. > :19:29.Well, thank you, Daniel. Well, er, welcome.
:19:29. > :19:31.Thank you so much for stopping by at short notice like this.
:19:31. > :19:34.Er, couldn't be better timing, could it?
:19:34. > :19:39.Let me just do the introductions I'm... I'm Siobhan Sharpe, Head of Brand. So cool to meet you.
:19:40. > :19:44.'The team's challenge now is to find a way of taking Steve and Zara through a selection of their ideas
:19:44. > :19:47.'for Twenty Twelve's contribution to Sport Relief
:19:47. > :19:50.'without either of them noticingthat they haven't actually got any.'
:19:50. > :19:55.OK, so good, right. So that's all good
:19:55. > :19:58.I mean, perhaps if I just start and give you a very general sense of...
:19:58. > :20:01.Great. OK. So thanks for that, Ian.
:20:01. > :20:07.Um, so here's the thing with this, OK? Here's what we do here.
:20:07. > :20:13.You guys do the Sport Relief mile but you do it dressed as the official Twenty Twelve mascots
:20:13. > :20:14.Mandolin and...
:20:14. > :20:16.Mandolin?! That's not right.
:20:16. > :20:18.Manadarin and, you know... Mandarin and Wedlock. Yeah, whatever.
:20:18. > :20:22.No, that's rubbish. Is it Windolene? Windolene and Dreadlock.
:20:22. > :20:25.Dreadlock? No, OK. Er, Deadlock.
:20:25. > :20:28.Oh, OK, guys, pull out here. Windolene and Deadlock.
:20:28. > :20:29.So what's cool about this...
:20:29. > :20:31.Sorry, I'm going to have to stop you there.
:20:31. > :20:33.Excuse me? Not the mascots. No way.
:20:33. > :20:35.Anything but them. No, sure. OK.
:20:35. > :20:37.Fair enough. OK, excellent
:20:37. > :20:39.Have you got anything a bit more exciting than that?
:20:39. > :20:41.Absolutely. Yes. Yeah, sure.
:20:41. > :20:43.What we did talk about. Sure.
:20:43. > :20:48.What we did think was that Zara could do a jumping course, you know,
:20:48. > :20:51.the Sport Relief mile on jumps, cross country.
:20:51. > :20:54.On her horse. On her horse, yes, Cool.
:20:54. > :20:56.Yes, thank you for that, Graham.
:20:56. > :20:59.And then basically what we were thinking was, essentially... happens, you see, is you come up to
:20:59. > :21:02.one of those, um, what are they called?
:21:02. > :21:06.No, don't help me. It's like a normal jump but with water on the other side of it.
:21:06. > :21:09.Anyway, who cares what that's called. Water jump?
:21:09. > :21:12.Yeah, right. Is it? D'oh!
:21:12. > :21:15.Yeah, so you're coming up to that, OK?
:21:15. > :21:21.But what you don't know is that Sir Steve is in the water on the other side in his canoe. Yeah.
:21:21. > :21:23.Yeah, it's a boat actually. Yeah, classic.
:21:23. > :21:27.So you're jumping over the fence and Sir Steve as well.
:21:27. > :21:32.Right. No, but at the same time. Cool. What happens if she doesn't make it?
:21:32. > :21:37.Yeah. What?! Well, that's the exciting bit. Yeah, that's the exciting bit, obviously.
:21:37. > :21:41.I'm not going to be doing that. No. No, me neither.
:21:41. > :21:45.It feels like we're definitely narrowing down our choices here, so that's all good.
:21:45. > :21:49.Obviously if there's anything the two of you like the idea of doing... No, sure.
:21:49. > :21:53..,.then do say because we might be able to incorporate that
:21:53. > :21:55.into something we've already been talking about. That could totally work.
:21:55. > :21:58.We were thinking about that on the way down.
:21:58. > :22:00.I always liked the idea of learning how to row properly.
:22:00. > :22:03.Right. And I wouldn't mind some riding lessons.
:22:03. > :22:07.So then we thought we could teach each other and then compete over the mile for Sport Relief.
:22:07. > :22:10.And maybe having a video diary of the whole process.
:22:10. > :22:12.Right.
:22:12. > :22:15.Holy shit.
:22:15. > :22:17.I mean, that's interesting. I mean in terms of the shape of the idea.
:22:17. > :22:20.That's the way we were headed with this whole thing.
:22:20. > :22:23.Sure, totally. Um, but, of course, we wanted to give you
:22:23. > :22:26.the opportunity of feeling ownership of the idea going forward.
:22:26. > :22:30.We do feel ownership of the idea. Because it's our bloody idea.
:22:30. > :22:35.Well, yes, exactly. Exactly. So that's what you call a win-win situation. Guys, slam dunk.
:22:35. > :22:37.Yeah, happy days.
:22:37. > :22:42.You lot are bloody incredible. the hell are you organising the Olympic Games?
:22:42. > :22:49.Welcome to Twenty Twelve. Welcome to Deliverance.
:22:49. > :22:55.APPLAUSE
:22:55. > :22:55.APPLAUSE Funnily
:22:55. > :22:55.Funnily enough,
:22:55. > :22:56.Funnily enough, that
:22:56. > :23:02.Funnily enough, that is
:23:02. > :23:08.Funnily enough, that is exactly what it is like when ideas come
:23:08. > :23:15.into the BBC! You should hear some of the ridiculous suggestions the
:23:15. > :23:20.producers threw at us for Sport Relief! Like dancing in our
:23:20. > :23:25.swimsuits! We agreed to that one. Time for someone to do something
:23:25. > :23:30.pretty outrageous for Sport Relief. She got to keep her clothes on,
:23:30. > :23:40.which is just as well considering where she was. This is how Helen
:23:40. > :23:59.
:23:59. > :24:09.Skelton took on the Antarctic and It's been a tough 12 hours. My
:24:09. > :24:19.hands are freezing. It is exhausting. There is something so
:24:19. > :24:41.
:24:41. > :24:51.APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, we give to you our South Pole
:24:51. > :24:57.
:24:58. > :25:07.superstar - Helen Skelton! Helen Skelton! What an amazing woman you
:25:08. > :25:09.
:25:09. > :25:13.are. What? Steady on! You play that music, they go mad! You all right?
:25:13. > :25:18.Warm enough? I have been warm ever since. You are such an amazing
:25:18. > :25:22.woman. What was thardest bit? was a real privilege to go -- what
:25:22. > :25:26.was the hardest bit? It was a real privilege to go there. It was a
:25:26. > :25:31.stunning place. There is no chance to wash, or shower. You are in the
:25:31. > :25:37.thermals for two months. You just feel grotty the whole time. Like
:25:37. > :25:41.you! LAUGHTER You spoke to your mum on Christmas Day. How hard was it
:25:41. > :25:45.missing your family over that period? I agreed to go, I knew I
:25:45. > :25:48.was going over Christmas and New Year, I didn't think I would be
:25:48. > :25:52.that bothered, but I was really homesick. If you can talk and text,
:25:52. > :25:56.it is good, I'm fine. But you don't have that opportunity because you
:25:56. > :26:00.are at the bottom of the world. I missed them a lot. I promised I
:26:00. > :26:05.will be around for the next Christmas. What I found really hard,
:26:05. > :26:13.when he did the little swim thing... Back to me! He had a constant
:26:13. > :26:17.change of scenery. You had white? Was that hard? It does get boring.
:26:17. > :26:22.You have 24 hours of sunlight so you see white from floor to ceiling.
:26:22. > :26:26.I used to sing, which wound my team-mate up no end because I
:26:26. > :26:30.cannot sing. When you have earphones in you think you can.
:26:30. > :26:33.Well, it is an amazing achievement. You have inspired thousands of
:26:33. > :26:43.children to take part in Sport Relief this year. That is not all,
:26:43. > :26:55.
:26:55. > :27:00.your Polar Challenge raised a That's so good. Now, the three of
:27:00. > :27:07.us have quite a lot of in common. Do we? We are super-fit and
:27:07. > :27:11.athletic. Two of us are! And we all have Blue Peter Badges. It is true.
:27:11. > :27:17.You know I have a gold Blue Peter Badge. I don't want to go on about
:27:17. > :27:24.it, there is only ten in the world and I have got one. OK. Don't worry,
:27:24. > :27:29.you will go one better than David "Modest" Walliams. We would like to
:27:29. > :27:39.present to you our very own Polar Challenge Blue Peter Badge. It is
:27:39. > :27:42.
:27:42. > :27:50.one of a kind. It is made of ice. It's melted! LAUGHTER Only kidding!
:27:50. > :28:00.We are joshing with you. This is the badge. Wow! Thank you. Ladies
:28:00. > :28:02.
:28:02. > :28:06.and gentlemen, Helen Skelton. APPLAUSE OK. Even though one this
:28:06. > :28:10.four of us will experience mental health issues in our lives,
:28:10. > :28:14.depression and mental illness are still subjects people find hard to
:28:14. > :28:24.talk about. We would like to say a thank you to the men you are about
:28:24. > :28:42.
:28:42. > :28:45.to hear from. Here is Manchester One in four people will experience
:28:45. > :28:53.mental health problems at some point in their lives. It could be
:28:53. > :29:00.me, you, or it could be anyone. was diagnosed with schizophrenia.
:29:00. > :29:08.Depression. Bipolar. I got diagnosed after my mum died in 2009.
:29:08. > :29:12.It can creep up without warning. didn't think any mental health
:29:12. > :29:21.problems could happen to me. thought I was a stronger person to
:29:21. > :29:28.deal with it, but I wasn't. It can turn your life upside-down. I lost
:29:28. > :29:33.touch with my friends. I went down and down and down. I just want to
:29:33. > :29:43.shut myself away. You suffer more bad days... Than good. I was having
:29:43. > :29:50.bad days all the time. The effects are often devastating. I have tried
:29:50. > :29:57.to take my life. To be honest, I didn't want to be around whatsoever.
:29:57. > :30:04.I tried to put a rope around my neck. Life sometimes is just so
:30:04. > :30:11.hard. Suicide is the biggest cause of death in men under the age of 35.
:30:11. > :30:16.It is a serious problem and we need to tackle it. Sport Relief is doing
:30:16. > :30:26.that with a project called Imagine Your Goals. Football is changing
:30:26. > :30:33.
:30:33. > :30:37.Any time I play football, I feel free. I have fun. It's made a big
:30:37. > :30:42.change in my life. It gives me something to look forward to.
:30:42. > :30:48.was a lifeline. It is probably one of the best things in my life.
:30:48. > :30:54.enjoy my football. I have to admit that. Your donations will help
:30:54. > :30:59.support projects supporting people with mental health problems. One in
:30:59. > :31:06.four of us will be in their shoes at some point in our lives.
:31:06. > :31:10.really don't want to think about life without the Imagine Your Goals
:31:11. > :31:17.programme. If I was away from Imagine Your Goals... I don't think
:31:17. > :31:26.I would be here today. Please pick up the phone and call 03457 910 910.
:31:26. > :31:30.Or go online and give what you can to help us do more. Thank you.
:31:30. > :31:36.Thanks to them for telling us how it is. And proving with support
:31:36. > :31:41.things really can change. Do remember half of the money you
:31:41. > :31:44.donate will be spent here in the UK. �50 could pay for a place on a
:31:44. > :31:50.course to help someone recover from mental health problems. Please text
:31:50. > :31:54."yes" to 70010 and your �10 donation will help those that need
:31:54. > :31:57.it most. Texts cost �10 plus your standard network charge and the
:31:57. > :32:01.whole �10 goes to Sport Relief. Thank you. Sport Relief does not
:32:01. > :32:06.end when we come off air. This Sunday hundreds of thousands of you
:32:06. > :32:11.will be taking part in the Sport Relief Mile. Your sterling efforts
:32:11. > :32:15.will raise a huge amount of sterling so in advance... It wasn't
:32:15. > :32:20.that funny! We thank you. That gag was hilarious. If you haven't
:32:20. > :32:25.signed up for the mile, it is not too late. Visit our website and
:32:25. > :32:29.enter. Here is The One Show's Matt and Alex to tell you more. Join us
:32:29. > :32:33.on BBC One this Sunday when we will be live from the middle of The Mall
:32:33. > :32:42.for the biggest ever Sport Relief Mile Show. One million milers are
:32:42. > :32:49.taking part and we will be bringing you all the action as well as
:32:49. > :32:54.special guest, JLS... And music from Olly Murs. Join us on Sunday
:32:54. > :33:04.and go the extra mile for Sport Relief. You will never guess who is
:33:04. > :33:05.
:33:05. > :33:09.It really is going to be a special and spectacular end to Sport Relief
:33:09. > :33:13.2012. So if you are taking part on Sunday, we wish you all the very
:33:13. > :33:17.best. You might also be interested to know that the special Sport
:33:17. > :33:20.Relief Mile in Salford was started this morning by a very important
:33:20. > :33:25.lady. I presume she won a competition online or something.
:33:25. > :33:30.I'm a bit annoyed, I was promised I would be the only Queen on this
:33:30. > :33:34.show! Anyway, time to welcome back Gary Lineker who is here to remind
:33:34. > :33:38.you why we are here tonight. Thanks very much. Earlier this year, my
:33:38. > :33:48.wife Danielle and I went to Bangladesh. What we saw there was
:33:48. > :33:48.
:33:48. > :33:58.truly shocking. Please watch this In the slums of Dhaka, children are
:33:58. > :34:02.
:34:02. > :34:07.It's not just the danger But unimaginable
:34:07. > :34:12.bashing away all day every day, seven days a week, 12 hours a day.
:34:12. > :34:15.These kids don't go to school,
:34:15. > :34:16.they're doing hard labour making gravel
:34:16. > :34:20.for the construction industry.
:34:20. > :34:23.Their parents have no choice.
:34:23. > :34:29.If they don't all work, they don't eat.
:34:29. > :34:32.I mean, it's like they've been given some sort of life sentence
:34:32. > :34:34.from a very early age.
:34:34. > :34:39.It's just so wrong.
:34:39. > :34:43.Tucked away in this yard, we found this beautiful little girl Rehana,
:34:43. > :34:45.working with her mum.
:34:46. > :34:47.How are you? Hi. Hello!
:34:47. > :34:50.Wow, you're so... How old are you?
:34:50. > :34:56.Aat. Eight. Oh, she's tiny.
:34:56. > :35:02.And all your daughters,they chip bricks every day, all day?
:35:02. > :35:04.But even in this awful poverty,
:35:04. > :35:08.parents still have hopes and dreams for their kids.
:35:08. > :35:12.TRANSLATION: I want Rehana to go to school
:35:12. > :35:16.so she can get a good job and not have to work here.
:35:16. > :35:20.But school just isn't a choice for children like Rehana.
:35:20. > :35:23.Their families can't afford it.
:35:23. > :35:26.It's so kind of...frustrating.
:35:26. > :35:28.All they want...
:35:28. > :35:32.They don't want handouts - they just want to go to school to learn.
:35:32. > :35:34.Yeah?
:35:34. > :35:36.But without the lifeline of education,
:35:36. > :35:39.children like Rehana could spend the rest of their lives
:35:39. > :35:43.working in a place like this.
:35:43. > :35:48.Please, don't let that happen.
:35:48. > :35:52.All you've got to do is call 03457 910 910
:35:52. > :35:54.and you can make a difference.
:35:54. > :36:04.You really can.
:36:04. > :36:04.
:36:04. > :36:05.I
:36:05. > :36:06.I know,
:36:06. > :36:12.I know, it's
:36:12. > :36:17.I know, it's upsetting. You can help. Please text "yes" to 70010.
:36:17. > :36:22.Your �10 will help us to help those kids. They desperately need a
:36:22. > :36:27.chance. Texts cost �10 plus your standard network charge. You may be
:36:27. > :36:31.wondering where Miranda and David have gone. In the last 35 minutes,
:36:31. > :36:35.you have hit the target and raised the total by �1 million which means
:36:35. > :36:41.that all your weirdest and warped dreams are about to come true. I
:36:41. > :36:51.give you Sport Relief's very own Dancing Queens, Dame David Walliams
:36:51. > :36:51.
:36:51. > :38:07.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 76 seconds
:38:08. > :38:12.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
:38:12. > :38:20.Thank you so much. Thank you for donating. YOU are amazing. Thank
:38:20. > :38:26.you to Gary for letting me borrow his socks. That is almost it on BBC
:38:26. > :38:32.Two. The party continues on One. It is only with James Corden and John
:38:32. > :38:36.Bishop. APPLAUSE And that is not all, there is "Ab Fab" with Kate