0:00:02 > 0:00:04Less than two weeks to go, five heroes from the world of sport
0:00:04 > 0:00:06took on a huge challenge for Sport Relief.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10They've won World Cups, Ashes series, heavyweight titles,
0:00:10 > 0:00:14major footballing honours and competed in Commonwealth Games.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18And while they're at home on the pitch or in the ring, none of them have ever faced anything like this -
0:00:18 > 0:00:20stand-up comedy.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24- Not a natural funny guy. - I'm confident, but not funny.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26They've put their necks on the line for Sport Relief.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Tonight, they'll be performing their own set in front of a sell-out crowd.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Completely out of my comfort zone.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Luckily, they're not on their own.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40- Each have had their own stand-up comic to help them.- That's funny.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43- That's some funny shit! - It's like CSI Derbyshire.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47I feel you believe in me and that's the most important thing!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- You're huge.- How will they cope out of their comfort zone?
0:00:50 > 0:00:54There are some nerves jangling because it's real.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Will they be winners or losers?
0:00:57 > 0:01:01I'm more nervous for this than for any cricket match I've ever played.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Looking at this, I'm as nervous as anything.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07It's completely against all human nature to get up in front of a load
0:01:07 > 0:01:11of strangers and tell them you're the funniest person they've met.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- It's a big deal.- Will they wow a hardened comedy audience?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Or will they fall flat on their face?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19This is Stand Up For Sport Relief.
0:01:31 > 0:01:36This is the Bloomsbury Theatre, and it's almost show time.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41The audience are gathered outside, the sports stars are backstage,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44and the comedians, are probably in the bar.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46This is who is on the bill tonight.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Ashes-winning cricketer, Michael Vaughan.
0:01:50 > 0:01:56To actually tell jokes, off-the-cuff gags, I've never done that.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Football hard man, Razor Ruddock.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Playing football, walking down the tunnel is a buzz.
0:02:01 > 0:02:06This'll be like Anfield in front of 50,000 people.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08World Cup winner Ben Cohen.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I can't believe I've agreed to do it!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I'm not a naturally funny guy, I'm quite serious.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Unbeaten, former British and Commonwealth champion, Tyson Fury.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I'm going out there and doing something I'm not used to doing,
0:02:21 > 0:02:25I'll go out and give it 100%. That's what I intend to do.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29BBC sports presenter and former Commonwealth gymnast, Gabby Logan.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34There are nerves jangling because it's real.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I hope it's not the scariest thing I ever do.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40I'll tell you afterwards if the IBS hasn't taken over.
0:02:40 > 0:02:46I'm in the bowels of the theatre with five scared sports stars. How are you feeling?
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Shitting meself.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I arrived with a script and some gags that I thought were funny,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Jason's gone, "No, thanks!"
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I've got a new script to learn in 30 minutes.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Nice! Good luck! You're looking confident and charming?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I'm hilarious. Over an hour.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07In three minutes... I'll try my hardest, that's all you can do.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12True. Good boy, we're all here for Sport Relief.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Gabby, out of your comfort zone, But I know for a fact you're bloody funny.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I don't know, three minutes, my set's 43 minutes!
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Your sex or your set?!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Thank you, boys, thank you!
0:03:25 > 0:03:30I sex in under three minutes. Ben, how are you feeling?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I'm nervous, I'd like to know I've got a game plan,
0:03:32 > 0:03:37- but I'll go out and wing it. - Winging it is good, is that correct?
0:03:37 > 0:03:41That's about correct. You've to give it your best shot and hope for the best.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- Loads of sporting cliches, great! - Good luck to all of you.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49- We're all over the moon. - To be fair.- To be fair.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Quite! They're not doing it alone.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Here are the brilliant comedians who was helped them.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Knocking Michael Vaughan into shape, Jason Manford.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Stand-up, as they say, is the hardest job in the world.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03It's not, it's certainly is the hardest job in showbiz.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Tackling Razor Ruddock, it's Chris Ramsey.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09If they die on their arse, It'll be awful.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Kicking Ben Cohen into touch, Andi Osho.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Stand-up is hard because you've made an agreement with the audience
0:04:16 > 0:04:19that you'll do one thing, make them laugh.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24Finding Tyson Fury's funny bones, Daniel Sloss.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27You're putting yourself in an uncomfortable position
0:04:27 > 0:04:28I would crap myself.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33Helping Gabby Logan find the gags, it's Patrick Kielty.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Getting on stage isn't the main thing. That's just the start.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Ladies and gentlemen, it's Stand Up for Sport Relief!
0:04:42 > 0:04:47Welcome your host for the night, Claudia Winkleman.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Hello, hello!
0:04:53 > 0:04:54You're brilliant.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Thank you, you are already brilliant.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Welcome to Stand Up for Sport Relief 2012.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08Tonight, five sports stars are going to attempt one of the most difficult jobs around -
0:05:08 > 0:05:10stand-up comedy.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13And because sports stars can't do anything without turning it into a competition,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16the audience here tonight will be voting for their favourite.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20They've had less than two weeks to prepare their sets,
0:05:20 > 0:05:24but they've had a bit of help from genuine, brilliant professionals.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27It's time for our first sport comedy combo.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31The sports star is the magnificent Michael Vaughan.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35CHEERING
0:05:35 > 0:05:38He has captained England, won the Ashes,
0:05:38 > 0:05:42and earned himself an OBE, all very impressive.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Not that amusing.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Helping him is the brilliant, I'm in love with him, don't tell him,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Jason Manford!
0:05:48 > 0:05:49CHEERING
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Hello. Hiya.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Very nice, thank you.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Good evening.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06So, here we go. So, you all got in for free?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09So, even if nothing's funny, you got your money's worth already.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12It doesn't matter, doesn't it?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15It's weird working with sports people.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I am not sporty, as you'd imagine.
0:06:17 > 0:06:23I know nothing about cricket so that was quite awkward when I first met Michael.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I do worry a little bit, what he'll do with his life?
0:06:26 > 0:06:30What can you do after you've finished cricket?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34You don't like working in the rain. You don't like working when it goes a bit dark.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37And every so often you've to stop for tea and Battenberg.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42There's no job you could do, maybe motorway maintenance, maybe that.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46I'm more of a football fan. I like reading about footballers.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49My favourite player at the moment, Carlos Tevez at Manchester City.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53This is a man who hasn't worked for four months
0:06:53 > 0:06:57because he said the manager was treating him like a dog.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I thought, "Isn't your job to run around a field chasing a ball?!"
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Come on now, isn't it?
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Go get the ball, go get the ball! Good boy!
0:07:11 > 0:07:17I like the way sports stars give themselves nicknames and stuff.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Vaughny, my mate. It didn't take me long to come up with that one.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24I was in the gym and this fella came in.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29He went, "All right, Dave?" and Dave went, "All right, Penguin."
0:07:29 > 0:07:32And they carried on with their afternoon.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I was thinking, "Why is he called penguin?"
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I built up enough courage and asked why.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41And he said, "20 years ago,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44"we were in Thailand and everyone had a few drinks
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"and he was walking home and a woman said "Do you fancy a bit?""
0:07:47 > 0:07:51I don't know if she did it in that accent.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55She said, "Do you fancy a bit?" He went, "Yeah, all right."
0:07:55 > 0:07:57He went to the beach.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01She's gone on her knees, trousers have come down, pants have come down around his ankles.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05She's having a play, whatever. I wasn't there, I'm speculating!
0:08:07 > 0:08:10In a flash, she whips the wallet out of his pants
0:08:10 > 0:08:13and runs from the beach! This guy chases after her like this.
0:08:16 > 0:08:2020 years! That's why he's called Penguin!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I loved it.
0:08:22 > 0:08:27Anyway, that's enough from me. I'm introducing you to Michael Vaughan.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29This is when we first met. Have a look at this.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37I'm on my way to meet Michael Vaughan, the cricketer,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39and hopefully teach him how to do stand-up comedy.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44I'm hoping he already has some funny stories and I say,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47"Do them" and I'll be home for one o'clock!
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- Hello, what's going on here? - Partner, is it?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I suppose we are now. It's like CSI Derbyshire!
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- What are you dressed like this for? - We're producing a masterpiece!
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Let's go and write some jokes.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05What's this, look at this. A memorabilia room.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09I've got a memorabilia shelf in my house! How are you feeling?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I'm all right at the minute.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16- Standing on the stage and seeing 500, I might get the odd...- Yeah.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19When you get a gag, how do you know it's funny?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I test it out on the wife and my mum.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Have you got a gag I could use on my missus?
0:09:24 > 0:09:28What if we try you with an old joke. Two monkeys in a bath. One goes,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"Oooh, ah, ah!" The other says, "Put some cold water in."
0:09:31 > 0:09:34It's an old joke. It's older than both of us put together.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Let's try that on your wife and see if she laughs.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41- Your joke-telling ability.- All right, love. Two monkeys in a bath.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43One goes, "Ooh, ooh, ah, ah!"
0:09:43 > 0:09:46The other one says, "Put some cold water in!"
0:09:46 > 0:09:47HE LAUGHS
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- Tough crowd, man! - The kids might like.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56Two monkeys in a bath, one goes, "Ooh, ooh, ah, ah!"
0:09:56 > 0:10:00The other one says, "Put some cold water in!"
0:10:00 > 0:10:03'I would be pretty terrified if I was him right now.'
0:10:03 > 0:10:04It is the hardest job in show business.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08There's nothing more frightening than going out to bat when you're not in form.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11And you know there's a big crowd and expectations.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Jason, how are you?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16'He's had a good week to go through his set.'
0:10:16 > 0:10:20I'm hoping he's fleshed out some of his stories that he told us last week.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23So far, there's not a great deal there.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- We wanted to talk about Shane Warne, didn't we?- Yeah.- He's ripe.
0:10:27 > 0:10:32- Yeah, he's changed little bit. - Yeah, by about four stone!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35My job has never been to make people laugh
0:10:35 > 0:10:41and I've suddenly got to produce three minutes, 500 people in a room, and make them chuckle.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Liz Hurley's into her appearance. She got her arsehole waxed.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46To be fair, he was good at cricket.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50- That's a bit harsh.- I like that. That might be my opener.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Look at that, I'm starting to get some script ready.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55The nearer I'm getting to it,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58I'm thinking, "Why the hell have I agreed to do this?"
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome cricketing legend Michael Vaughan!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09APPLAUSE
0:11:09 > 0:11:14Evening, how are ya?
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Nice, nice.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I tell you what,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I'll come down south again for that kind of ovation.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27My mates always say that the further south that you go,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29the ruder people are.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30That explains Australians.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Sorry. Any Aussies in?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Yeah!
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Shit.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44So who's wiping the tables down at Walkabout tonight, then?!
0:11:44 > 0:11:48- AUDIENCE:- Oh-h-h!
0:11:49 > 0:11:53I have to say, I like Australians, I have a lot in common with them -
0:11:53 > 0:11:56it's been ten years since I was any good at cricket as well!
0:11:58 > 0:12:01A few weeks ago, I turned to my mates and said,
0:12:01 > 0:12:05"I've to do this stand-up," they looked shocked, particularly my mate, Shane.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10APPLAUSE
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- There we go, and we're off. - Come on!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18To be honest, he's looked shocked for three years.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Look at this, have you ever seen a chin with a mirror!
0:12:22 > 0:12:26I mean, what makes me, and amuses me more than anything,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29is Liz Hurley has been going out with him for six months
0:12:29 > 0:12:32and not realised she's been going out with Pete Burns.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Fair credit to Liz,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38she's the first person in history who has actually polished a turd.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44It's offensive, but it'll do.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49In 2005 we won the Ashes.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54We spent the day drinking and meeting dignitaries,
0:12:54 > 0:12:58I can tell you, not a good mix.
0:12:58 > 0:13:04I ended up at Tony Blair's house, Number 10, and the caterer says
0:13:04 > 0:13:08"It's the first time I've ever been asked to make kebabs."
0:13:08 > 0:13:13As captain, I spent most of the time with Tony,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16he's all right, pretty boring, but he's all right.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20When I was with him, I noticed in the corner of my eye
0:13:20 > 0:13:24that someone was pissing in his daffodils in the corner.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28I don't want to name names, but I walk up to Freddie...!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Yes, yes!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I say, "Fred, what are you doing?"
0:13:33 > 0:13:36He said, "He's been taking the piss out of us for ten years,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39"it's a bit of payback!"
0:13:44 > 0:13:47My last form of duty was to have a picture on the doorstep
0:13:47 > 0:13:51with Tony himself. There's thousands of cameras there,
0:13:51 > 0:13:52they all want a picture.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56We're all ready and Tony walks up in a nice blue suit,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59he tries to be funny, and says, "I wonder what all these people are here for?"
0:13:59 > 0:14:02One of my blunt Yorkshire friends said,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04"To take your picture, you knob".
0:14:07 > 0:14:10It was made worse by the cameraman shouting, "Cheese!" just after.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15We got "knob cheese" on the doorstep of Number 10.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Thank you very much! Good night. I'm not here all week!
0:14:19 > 0:14:23CHEERING
0:14:27 > 0:14:31- That'll do, won't it? - Well done, man.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32What did I tell you?
0:14:32 > 0:14:33I'm shaking!
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Vaughan,
0:14:39 > 0:14:44- and his mentor, Jason Manford. Both of them were brilliant, would you agree?- Yes!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- Are you ready for your next act? - AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:14:46 > 0:14:54Our next comedy rookie is the absolutely astounding footballer Neil Ruddock.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56He's won the league cup with Liverpool,
0:14:56 > 0:15:01and played for England, but he knows as much about stand-up as I know about football.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04I will be honest, nothing, can't even spell it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:10Helping him out is one of the hottest new stand-ups around, the fantastic Chris Ramsey.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12APPLAUSE
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Yes.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Hello.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- Everyone all right? AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Good, it's nice to be here, my name is Chris Ramsey,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31I'm looking after Neil "Razor" Ruddock.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Can everyone understand what I'm saying?
0:15:34 > 0:15:38If you said no, you understood the question!
0:15:38 > 0:15:43I have to check, genuinely, I'm from Newcastle, well, Newcastle area.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- "Whoo!" - One person, thanks, Mam!
0:15:46 > 0:15:49When you're from the north-east, people assume you're a massive
0:15:49 > 0:15:51football fan - I'm not a football fan,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53but people assume you do. They hear the accent
0:15:53 > 0:15:56and go straight in with the high-level football banter.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00The aggression... I was in a taxi in Manchester,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03the taxi driver went, "Is it that a Newcastle accent?"
0:16:03 > 0:16:07He didn't even ask if I was a football fan,
0:16:07 > 0:16:11he just went, "Ahhhhh, ooooh!" I was going, "What the f...?!"
0:16:11 > 0:16:15HE MAKES MONKEY NOISES
0:16:15 > 0:16:20"Newcastle, eh? What happened to you last week?"
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Went shopping on Monday!
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Bought a nice hat.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32It's been fun working with Neil, I have to warn you straight away,
0:16:32 > 0:16:36he's the blokeiest, most laddish man I have ever met in my life.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Meeting him was like being beaten to death with a copy of Nutz.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42There's some women on the front row,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45if he glances at you, you'll be pregnant.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51It's unbelievable. He's cool, a nice bloke, he's like your cool, but rapey uncle.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55He's pretty cool, let's you stay up late,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58gives you drugs, but probably tried to finger your mam!
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Let's have a little look at the VT and see what we've been getting up to.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11We're at Newcastle United's ground,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14we're about to meet Neil Razor Ruddock.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I'll teach him some stand-up.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20It's about being likeable, as long as he's not arrogant on stage, he should be fine.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Nice to meet ya, fella. Have you played in here before?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Only about ten times, son.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I'm a living legend!
0:17:27 > 0:17:31There's a fine line between confidence and arrogance.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35If you come on... You've got three minutes to be, bang, bang, bang.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I'll be good at it, I'm hilarious!
0:17:37 > 0:17:44I have a surprise for you, you'll do a trial run of your stand-up in a room full of guinea pigs.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48I'm looking forward to that. Thanks for that surprise(!)
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I've got half hour and then I'm on stage.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Have you any jokes that don't resolve around being pissed and having sex?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58No, no.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Oh, God, this is hard!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03You're saying before the opener...
0:18:03 > 0:18:0611 o'clock, let's bring the pole on, wanking competition!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Don't you ever wank in front of your mates?
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- Of course not!- No? Why not? Are you gay or something?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I feel like I'm 14, talking about wanking!
0:18:19 > 0:18:25I like it, that's self-deprecating. We're getting somewhere now.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29We're going to this place. Sitting here, you don't learn to play football in an office.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I just don't think it'll go very well in here. I'm cringing,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36but I want to watch at the same time.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Neil Razor Ruddock, I've always wanted
0:18:39 > 0:18:42to do this, get on stage and talk in front of hundreds of people.
0:18:42 > 0:18:47There's some beautiful ladies tonight. Hiya, darling, how are you?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I come on the train tonight, it's my own fault,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I should have disguised it as an asthma attack, boom, boom.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54We've a lot to look at.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58I think I nailed them. Without your training, that could have gone bad!
0:19:00 > 0:19:02It was terrible. It was terrible.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07It was rubbish. Everyone needs a kick up the back side.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Showtime is getting closer by the day.
0:19:09 > 0:19:15A lot of it is his stuff, I took about 40 references to wanking out.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Footballer, very confident, told us I couldn't swear,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20do your thing about swearing.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Do you want to hear my James Mason, "I'm going down with the Nautilus."
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Yeah, don't do that!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27There's a possibility he'll lose the audience,
0:19:27 > 0:19:29he'll be arrogant and they'll hate him.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I can't do anything about that.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35My biggest worry is do I look good on camera with the clothes I chose.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37That's my biggest worry.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38CHEERING
0:19:38 > 0:19:45He's doing it for a very good cause, welcome to the stage, the fantastic Neil "Razor" Ruddock.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48CHEERING
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Yes.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00For those of you who don't know, I'm Neil Razor Ruddock,
0:20:00 > 0:20:05all those who don't, just think I'm the prick who'll do any TV show to get himself fucking famous again.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Hello, it's me again. Hello!
0:20:08 > 0:20:13I do swear a lot, and sometimes the C-word does pop out.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15I don't want you to get offended.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I don't want you to think it's Chelsea!
0:20:17 > 0:20:21It's not, because they are BEEP!
0:20:23 > 0:20:29But, girls, if the C-word pops out again, don't be offended,
0:20:29 > 0:20:33cos it does taste better than it sounds. OK?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I told him. I told him. I told him!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- Listen to this.- All right, love?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Well, to be... That's a fucking lie, by the way.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49There was this bird in Rotherham one night...eurgh!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Actually, I remember this.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Remember when you was a lad, you used to put your tongue on a battery?
0:20:56 > 0:20:57That's what it tasted like.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04He's the worst ever.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08I tried to get out of this, cos when I played football, it was easy to get out of football,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11because if I wanted to get on the piss at Christmas,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14two weeks before Christmas, I'd walk on the pitch,
0:21:14 > 0:21:18head butt someone, get a red card, Christmas off, in the pub with the chaps.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20It's true!
0:21:20 > 0:21:24I couldn't use violence to get out of TV work again, because I did it on Children In Need.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28I went up and nutted Pudsey the BEEPing bear.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Now you know why he has a bad eye, to be fair to him.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38Footballers, I don't know if you know this, you might, footballers, we are thick.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41David Beckham, remember him?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46He give the fucking game away, didn't he?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48When he started talking on telly.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Everyone thought, "Fuck me, they're thick, them."
0:21:51 > 0:21:55He's put the fuck count through the roof!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Another thick footballer - Wayne Rooney, God bless him,
0:21:58 > 0:22:02terrible news, he had a fire, had a fire at Wayne Rooney's house,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05and it spread to his library, and burnt both his books.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:11 > 0:22:15The thing was, he was gutted, cos he only coloured one of them in.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17APPLAUSE
0:22:20 > 0:22:23God bless you all, have a safe journey, thank you very much indeed.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28What do we think?
0:22:28 > 0:22:33Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Ruddock and Chris Ramsey.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Absolutely brilliant.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Remember, they are all only doing this for Sport Relief.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Please, if you can, get texting.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46This film is about some of the amazing work we do here in the UK, and more importantly, how to donate.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48The money raised through Sport Relief
0:22:48 > 0:22:52not only goes towards helping people living tough lives overseas.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Half of the money you raise is spent in the UK
0:22:55 > 0:22:58helping projects on your doorstep.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Every penny works hard helping people like this.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04I didn't want to fight any more. I was starting to get scared.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06They looked at me and said, "Is he ex-forces?!"
0:23:06 > 0:23:11They said, "He probably has severe post-traumatic stress disorder."
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Combat Stress stepped in. I've been given coping strategies, so it shouldn't be as bad as it was.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19How much support are TJ and Jason?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20I depend on them.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24I feel guilty, because I can't do what normal families do.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29The project is fantastic, I can't wish for a better support network for the boys.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32I was first diagnosed with a mental health problem in 2007.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34- Depression.- Bipolar.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Any time I play football, I feel free.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39I enjoy it. I have fun.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Hello.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42How are you?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Sport Relief funds reminisce sessions,
0:23:45 > 0:23:49- have you enjoyed talking about your life?- Yeah.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54My sight went, it was rapid. Two weeks later, I was blind.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I had a dream about disability awareness,
0:23:57 > 0:23:59introducing sport to youngsters.
0:23:59 > 0:24:05I want them to look back and think, "I achieved this and that,"
0:24:05 > 0:24:08moments of happiness in their lives we can give.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Sport Relief funds over 1,300 projects,
0:24:12 > 0:24:16helping thousands of people up and down the UK.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20As you can see, everything you do for Sport Relief makes such a difference.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Please show your support tonight. Thank you.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26There you go, you heard it from Billy Piper,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29but it really is worth repeating. Please, if you can:
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Now, the next act is magnificent.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55Just so you know! Rugby international, Ben Cohen.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57AUDIENCE: Whooo!
0:24:57 > 0:25:04Thank you. Ben is one of the highest-scoring rugby players this country has ever produced.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Brilliant on the rugby field, not so much use on the stage.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Helping him is a hilarious and gorgeous lady.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Please give it up for Andi Osho!
0:25:14 > 0:25:17APPLAUSE
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Hello!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Hiya!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Are you all right? Hey!
0:25:26 > 0:25:31Well, first off, I do not need to worry about doing my dirty material.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Fucking hell!
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Shit!
0:25:34 > 0:25:39I was backstage going, "That thing I do about old men having an orgasm
0:25:39 > 0:25:42"and it coming out like dust, I can't do that."
0:25:42 > 0:25:46That's what I thought, it must come out like dust,
0:25:46 > 0:25:50like when you squeeze a talcum powder bottle too hard... Oh!
0:25:50 > 0:25:55Maybe that's why old people's homes are covered in dust as well.
0:25:57 > 0:26:03You know like in films when they pull an old book off the shelf and they're like, "Grandad!"
0:26:05 > 0:26:10So here we are at Sport Relief, and obviously I got paired with Ben Cohen. I thought, "That's a result."
0:26:10 > 0:26:15I'm in one of the host Olympic boroughs as well. Are we excited about the Olympics?
0:26:15 > 0:26:16CHEERING
0:26:16 > 0:26:20There must be some Americans in, cos people sounded happy about it!
0:26:20 > 0:26:23In Newham, where I am,
0:26:23 > 0:26:26we're not completely on board yet, with the Olympics.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29A lot of Newham residents won't be in the events,
0:26:29 > 0:26:33unless it's the women get home safely after midnight dash.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37It's not looking good for us.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39We're not a healthy bunch of people in Newham.
0:26:39 > 0:26:45For us, five a day is a blue WKD, chips, spliff, fruit pastilles, punch-up. That is it.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46That is it.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50What I love, this is one of the things they wanted to do, I don't know if they'll do it,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53but they wanted cab drivers to learn different languages
0:26:53 > 0:26:57in anticipation of all the international guests.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59This is a terrible idea.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03The last thing we need is cab drivers being able to say in six different languages,
0:27:03 > 0:27:05"The trouble with foreigners is..."!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Nobody needs that.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12I have been paired with Ben Cohen, who's been amazing.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15We made a film and this is what happened when we first met.
0:27:18 > 0:27:24All right, so we're here at Ben Cohen's beautiful country pile.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26I don't know a lot about him, actually.
0:27:26 > 0:27:31He plays rugby, and I've been told about this.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Bam-chica-bam-bam. The Ben Cohen calendar.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- Hi, Ben!- All right, Andi! How're you?- Yeah, good, thanks.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- How're you doing?- Good.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48- You are here to try to make me funny?- You ARE going to be funny.
0:27:48 > 0:27:53- How are you feeling about it? - A bit apprehensive, a bit nervous.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Why?!
0:27:54 > 0:27:58I'm not a natural funny guy.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04So, Ben, you got any good rugby stories?
0:28:04 > 0:28:07I've got quite a few, I don't know if they're for TV or not.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10I'd just come off the pitch after my third cap for England,
0:28:10 > 0:28:14I sat down and I thought, "I'd better start getting changed," so I pulled down my pants,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- and naturally adjusted myself. - As you do.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20When I adjusted myself, I stood up
0:28:20 > 0:28:23and I was face-to-face with...Prince Harry!
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Excellent.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29But my natural reaction was to put my hand out to shake his hand, and he shook my hand.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33I thought, "This is one for the memory."
0:28:34 > 0:28:37'We've sort of got a rough idea of what we want to talk about.'
0:28:37 > 0:28:40For the first time, doing stand-up,
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Mr Ben Cohen. Whoo!
0:28:42 > 0:28:46What we have to do now, is go through it, make sure the gags work,
0:28:46 > 0:28:51that Ben's happy to perform them, that he can nail the punchlines and stuff.
0:28:51 > 0:28:56We went to some chicken factory and rescued two chickens.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00Did you say chicken factory? Aren't they called farms?
0:29:00 > 0:29:04- Chicken farm?- I think that sounds better than a chicken factory.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06I'm laughing at my own jokes!
0:29:06 > 0:29:13I'm worried I'm going to die on stage, that has been the number one concern from the word go.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15That's funny. That's some funny shit.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17If they laugh in sympathy, that's fine.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21If they don't like the joke, fine, just laugh anyway.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23APPLAUSE
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Ben Cohen.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28# I'm sexy and I know it. #
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Good evening, everybody.
0:29:33 > 0:29:34Thank you.
0:29:34 > 0:29:39It's great to be here, and I've got to say,
0:29:39 > 0:29:43I've been thinking, how I can get out of this all week.
0:29:43 > 0:29:47I've even rang Andi and said, "I'm fucking pregnant, I don't want to do it."
0:29:47 > 0:29:52She said, "You ain't getting out of it, mate, that's it."
0:29:52 > 0:29:54Post-rugby, you really do think,
0:29:54 > 0:29:57actually, what can I do with my career,
0:29:57 > 0:30:01and you have like Martin Johnson. Martin Johnson goes into management.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Sort of.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08And you've got Mike Tindall, marrying into the Royal Family.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10Sort of.
0:30:12 > 0:30:16And you've got Mike Dawson, doing his bloody dancing,
0:30:16 > 0:30:19and actually, again, sort of.
0:30:20 > 0:30:26I'm right saying it about Daws, I've known him since he had hair,
0:30:26 > 0:30:30and all through the comb-over period.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32But I was asked to do that, and I had to say no,
0:30:32 > 0:30:35because that is dry humping.
0:30:36 > 0:30:40I've actually done a calendar, as you've seen,
0:30:40 > 0:30:46and it's quite hard to do a calendar, because you don't know what poses to do.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49So the first pose for January was like this.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53And the second one was like this.
0:30:55 > 0:31:01And the third one, I thought, I'll do the Jonny Wilkinson stance, it's a winner, so I was like that.
0:31:02 > 0:31:07You may mock, but they sold better than Martin Johnson's calendar.
0:31:08 > 0:31:13It was 2003, we'd just won the World Cup, fantastic time,
0:31:13 > 0:31:15beating the Australians in the back garden.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17- Whoo!- Thank you.
0:31:17 > 0:31:22There's Australians in here tonight, I heard Vaughan say. Unlucky.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25We're going through Sydney Airport,
0:31:25 > 0:31:29and going through the airport scanners,
0:31:29 > 0:31:32and I go through, and the beeper goes off.
0:31:32 > 0:31:37I was, sorry, I think it's my watch, so I took it off,
0:31:37 > 0:31:40went through, went back the second time,
0:31:40 > 0:31:42and I said, must be my belt, sorry,
0:31:42 > 0:31:45I've gone back third time, it's gone off again.
0:31:45 > 0:31:49I said, sorry, I think it might be that!
0:31:51 > 0:31:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:53 > 0:31:59But...
0:31:59 > 0:32:05I've got to say, I felt for the security guard, because there was 50 of us coming through.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Beep beep beep beep!
0:32:07 > 0:32:13We were on tour, in South Africa at the time, someone nicked a buggy,
0:32:13 > 0:32:17nicked the keys for the golf buggy out of the hotel, and stoved it into a window.
0:32:17 > 0:32:24And I tell you what, as a squad, we were absolutely shitting ourselves,
0:32:24 > 0:32:28because Clive, Sir Clive, was absolutely livid.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32He sat us down, and said, look guys, you know, this is not on, who done it?
0:32:32 > 0:32:37We have video evidence, if you don't own up, I'll show the video.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40He showed the video, and it's someone's hand,
0:32:40 > 0:32:45all you can see is this hand, going to get the keys and take them away.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48It was like Question Of Sport, mystery guest.
0:32:48 > 0:32:52I thought, we'll get Daws and he'll figure that out,
0:32:52 > 0:32:57but he was too busy doing the cha-cha-cha and cooking some salmon, bless him.
0:32:57 > 0:33:03Anyway, I can't give you a name of who stole the keys,
0:33:03 > 0:33:06but I can give you an example.
0:33:06 > 0:33:12Because his hands looked a little bit like this.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16Thanks ever so much, everybody. Good night, thank you.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18APPLAUSE
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Well done. Well done.
0:33:24 > 0:33:28Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Cohen, of course, Andi Osho.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31He's adorable, isn't he?
0:33:31 > 0:33:34When he lifted up his shirt, I was like, just take your clothes off.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38Is that weird I said that? We're all thinking it. Especially you, sir.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42Just two more acts to go before you will decide who will win this...
0:33:42 > 0:33:49Get ready, I would like a sharp intake of breath, it's amazing, the Golden Mic.
0:33:49 > 0:33:50Whoo!
0:33:50 > 0:33:54Gosh, you're obedient, this will work wonders.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57This is lovely, and not light at all.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01Next, is heavyweight Tyson Fury.
0:34:01 > 0:34:06His record is 17 fights with 12 knockouts.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08That's as a boxer, not a stand-up.
0:34:08 > 0:34:13Helping him is the very, very funny, with amazing hair, Dan Sloss.
0:34:14 > 0:34:18CHEERING
0:34:20 > 0:34:23Cool!
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Hello.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27How are we doing, are we well?
0:34:27 > 0:34:28AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:34:28 > 0:34:30Lovely, you having fun tonight so far, yeah?
0:34:30 > 0:34:35We've been watching downstairs, we had a swear jar for when Neil Ruddock was on,
0:34:35 > 0:34:41so we've cured poverty, so you can go home, it's all fine, we phoned them, they're all good.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44We're full over here. It's good, yeah.
0:34:44 > 0:34:51My specialist sports person is Tyson Fury, who is the biggest man since fucking ever.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54But he's lovely, he's the nicest man as well.
0:34:54 > 0:34:59For someone who punches people in the face for a living, he's very nice.
0:34:59 > 0:35:05The one way to describe him is if somebody shaved a bear and then gave it ecstasy.
0:35:07 > 0:35:12I feel like I should crowbar in some sports material as well.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16I'm not very sporty. I think tennis is a lot like sex,
0:35:16 > 0:35:21in that I enjoy watching it but I'm not particularly good at it.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24Every year when Wimbledon's on, you get people going, "Oh, my god!
0:35:24 > 0:35:28"The noises those women make when they play tennis,
0:35:28 > 0:35:32"it makes it sound like they're having sex."
0:35:34 > 0:35:38Really? I think you might be doing sex wrong.
0:35:38 > 0:35:45If you're having sex with a woman and she's going ooooh, ooooh,
0:35:45 > 0:35:47let her go.
0:35:47 > 0:35:48OK?
0:35:48 > 0:35:51APPLAUSE She is not...
0:35:55 > 0:35:58She is not enjoying it!
0:35:58 > 0:36:02Stop it, that's the wrong type of backhand, this is going dreadfully.
0:36:04 > 0:36:10From my experience, if women were to make the same noises they make during sex while playing tennis,
0:36:10 > 0:36:13this is what tennis would sound like.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16"Shush!
0:36:16 > 0:36:19"You're going to wake my dad up!
0:36:20 > 0:36:23"Seriously!
0:36:23 > 0:36:25"Are you nearly finished?
0:36:26 > 0:36:30"No, not in my hair, right?"
0:36:30 > 0:36:34Just the umpire sat there, going, there was no love.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40I got Tyson, we went about a week-and-a-half ago,
0:36:40 > 0:36:46and we started work together, and basically this is what we got up to.
0:36:47 > 0:36:52We're in a caravan park just outside of Manchester.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55We're just about to meet Tyson Fury.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01I don't know how funny he's going to be.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04I developed comedy as a way of getting out of fights,
0:37:04 > 0:37:08and I can't imagine this is a problem Tyson ever had.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10HE LAUGHS
0:37:10 > 0:37:11Jesus!
0:37:11 > 0:37:14- How are you doing? - I'm OK, how are you?
0:37:14 > 0:37:16You are huge.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Yes, I am.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24He's an absolute monster.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27The greatest heavyweight since Muhammad Ali.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29I'd like to meet Tyson's friends and brothers
0:37:29 > 0:37:34to find out what he's like outside of the ring and the training area.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38- How do you reckon he'll handle stand-up?- He's a funny guy.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41- Looking at him makes me laugh. - LAUGHTER
0:37:42 > 0:37:45I'll just give you a little... You be the audience and I'll be the man.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Tell us a story.
0:37:47 > 0:37:51Hello everybody, I'm Tyson Fury, I know what you're thinking,
0:37:51 > 0:37:52"Yes, he's fucking gorgeous."
0:37:52 > 0:37:54SILENCE
0:37:54 > 0:37:57Some people say I'm like Brad Pitt, I'm a better version, six foot nine version.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03There's a guy there with a haircut like a pair of curtains.
0:38:03 > 0:38:07I don't know what you're laughing at with that haircut. When are you getting it finished?
0:38:07 > 0:38:09That's all I've got so far.
0:38:09 > 0:38:13Don't lay into the audience at the gig!
0:38:13 > 0:38:16He's on the right lines, but it has to be funnier,
0:38:16 > 0:38:20standing up, comedian in front of 500 people.
0:38:22 > 0:38:26Basically what we are doing is, after meeting Tyson, we wrote out
0:38:26 > 0:38:29a couple of gags, we sat down and looked at the entire script.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Give it a read through and tell me what you think, what's shit,
0:38:32 > 0:38:36- and what's not.- If I was 100% confident, looking at this
0:38:36 > 0:38:39I'm as nervous as anything.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42Welcome to the stage, the fantastic Mr Tyson Fury!
0:38:42 > 0:38:44THEY CHEER
0:38:44 > 0:38:48Hello everybody, I'm Tyson Fury, or as the doctors call me,
0:38:48 > 0:38:51fucking hell get this man... Oh, fuck it, sorry.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54Even if you trip over your words, just keep going.
0:38:54 > 0:38:58Do it like you're not performing it, you're telling your mates.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01I need to practise it, run through it like we'll do anyway,
0:39:01 > 0:39:06- apart from anything, it's great. - I just hope the trophy's big enough!
0:39:08 > 0:39:12Please welcome to the stage, the fantastic Mr Tyson Fury!
0:39:12 > 0:39:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:18 > 0:39:19Hello everybody.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Hello everybody. My name is Tyson Fury,
0:39:29 > 0:39:32or as the doctors called me, when I was born,
0:39:32 > 0:39:37"Fucking hell, get this woman another epidural."
0:39:37 > 0:39:40You know, I was a big lad then, I'm even bigger now.
0:39:40 > 0:39:46My wife is probably the only woman in the world who has home epidural kits!
0:39:49 > 0:39:52Do you know what, at first I was a bit nervous about doing this,
0:39:52 > 0:39:57because it was a while since anyone has laughed in my face.
0:39:57 > 0:40:00You know I heard they asked Audley Harrison to come on the show
0:40:00 > 0:40:03tonight, but he refused. He said, "Me stand up for three minutes?
0:40:03 > 0:40:05"You must be joking!"
0:40:11 > 0:40:14I'm so nervous! He's so lovely!
0:40:14 > 0:40:18I'm undefeated in 17 pro fights with 12 knockouts...
0:40:18 > 0:40:20APPLAUSE
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Thank you, thank you.
0:40:25 > 0:40:30The closest I ever came to losing was, this, check this out.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33COMMENTATOR: 'With effort as he unloads...'
0:40:42 > 0:40:45Yeah, well, people ask me, what happened there,
0:40:45 > 0:40:47and, well, it's simple, really -
0:40:47 > 0:40:50I was getting a bit bored of being hit like a lightweight,
0:40:50 > 0:40:53and I thought I would show him how a proper heavyweight punches!
0:40:53 > 0:40:57It turned out from one hit in the face
0:40:57 > 0:40:59to five million hits on YouTube.
0:41:00 > 0:41:05After that I was sad, upset and my mates were giving me a bit of stick.
0:41:05 > 0:41:09My wife decided to cheer me up, she said,
0:41:09 > 0:41:11"Don't beat yourself up about it."
0:41:12 > 0:41:16She knows the right thing to say at all the right times.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19While I'm away from boxing, I'm a family man...
0:41:19 > 0:41:22He's confident, he's walking...
0:41:22 > 0:41:27..she's a little princess. The other day we were out shopping,
0:41:27 > 0:41:31and...I was picking up chopped liver off the stop shelf,
0:41:31 > 0:41:34- a bit like that! - LAUGHTER
0:41:34 > 0:41:37And she says to me, "Daddy, what's that?"
0:41:37 > 0:41:40I said, "That, Venezuela, is your first boyfriend when I'm finished with him."
0:41:41 > 0:41:45She picks up some mincemeat, "What's this one, Daddy?"
0:41:45 > 0:41:49I said, "That's his mate, in case he gets any funny ideas."
0:41:49 > 0:41:53That's all ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for having me. Good night.
0:41:53 > 0:41:56CHEERING
0:41:59 > 0:42:02Brilliant, well done.
0:42:03 > 0:42:07Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Tyson Fury and Daniel Sloss.
0:42:07 > 0:42:10APPLAUSE
0:42:10 > 0:42:13Now remember, please, everyone is here getting up on stage,
0:42:13 > 0:42:16only for Sport Relief, and the money you raise when you text in
0:42:16 > 0:42:20helps people both here and in the poorest countries in the world.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23Here's why your help is so badly needed.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27When was the last time you had to think about how to get clean water?
0:42:27 > 0:42:31Well, for some people here it is a daily struggle
0:42:31 > 0:42:34and can have devastating effects.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39In remote locations all over Africa, accessing safe water
0:42:39 > 0:42:43can be impossible, simply because it is too far to travel.
0:42:46 > 0:42:50Here in Uganda, waterborne disease is the main cause of death amongst children.
0:42:51 > 0:42:57From seeing places where people get their water, I can start to see why.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00This dirty pond is used by around 1,000 people.
0:43:02 > 0:43:03I can't believe it,
0:43:03 > 0:43:07the thought of having to give my kids this water to drink is just...
0:43:11 > 0:43:12..unthinkable, really.
0:43:12 > 0:43:18I will never understand how this is that community's
0:43:18 > 0:43:22only chance of drinking. I just...
0:43:22 > 0:43:25A mum wouldn't do that unless they had no choice.
0:43:25 > 0:43:30One family that I met paid the highest price.
0:43:30 > 0:43:35This young mum lost her little girl Evelyn yesterday, from diarrhoea.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40If you could have got Evelyn to the hospital,
0:43:40 > 0:43:43do you think they could have saved her?
0:43:53 > 0:43:57Evelyn was 18 months old.
0:43:57 > 0:44:02# When will I see you again
0:44:04 > 0:44:06# You left with no goodbye
0:44:06 > 0:44:11# Not a single word was said
0:44:12 > 0:44:16# No final kiss
0:44:16 > 0:44:20# To seal any scene
0:44:20 > 0:44:27# I had no idea of the state we were in... #
0:44:30 > 0:44:32The fact that mums are losing their kids
0:44:32 > 0:44:37every single day from preventable diseases like diarrhoea is shocking.
0:44:40 > 0:44:45But with your money, we can try to stop tragedies like this happening.
0:44:45 > 0:44:49I'm a mum and the most important thing in my life are my boys.
0:44:49 > 0:44:52The thought of one of them getting sick, I mean really sick,
0:44:52 > 0:44:55and I can't do anything to help them, terrifies me.
0:44:55 > 0:44:57Well, mums here are no different.
0:44:57 > 0:45:01There is things YOUR money can do to help them.
0:45:01 > 0:45:05A water filter and enough purification tablets
0:45:05 > 0:45:09to last three months costs just £5.
0:45:09 > 0:45:13Your fiver can supply a family like that with a water filter
0:45:13 > 0:45:17that can help stop totally preventable diseases.
0:45:35 > 0:45:39It is time for our last sports comedy coupling of the night.
0:45:39 > 0:45:43CHEERING
0:45:43 > 0:45:47Gabby Logan (lovely!) has been a commentator on the BBC,
0:45:47 > 0:45:50a gymnast at the Commonwealth Games - can I have an ooh?! -
0:45:50 > 0:45:52ALL: Ooh!
0:45:52 > 0:45:56and a dancer on Strictly, now she's going to be a stand-up on telly.
0:45:56 > 0:45:59Helping her is funny man, Paddy Kielty.
0:46:06 > 0:46:08Thank you very much.
0:46:08 > 0:46:11Thank you very much.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14Before we go any further, isn't Claudia doing, a great job?
0:46:14 > 0:46:17A round of applause for Claudia.
0:46:17 > 0:46:20CHEERING
0:46:23 > 0:46:25It's a big year for Sport Relief.
0:46:25 > 0:46:28Lots of great shows coming up, all the big stars turning out,
0:46:28 > 0:46:33all the big sports stars are in. We've just recorded a special edition of Family Fortunes
0:46:33 > 0:46:37with Ryan Giggs and his family, that's right.
0:46:40 > 0:46:44Name a member of your family that you haven't shagged!
0:46:44 > 0:46:47LAUGHTER
0:46:47 > 0:46:51Harry Redknapp has recorded a special edition of One Man And His Dog.
0:46:53 > 0:46:56Now we're kicking!
0:46:56 > 0:47:01And John Terry and Luis Suarez will be visiting some projects in Africa.
0:47:01 > 0:47:04LAUGHTER
0:47:07 > 0:47:09It'll be fun!
0:47:09 > 0:47:13After that, a great summer of sport, on the BBC.
0:47:13 > 0:47:18We've got the European Championships, then Wimbledon, then the Olympics, if you're English.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21How many England sports fans have we in tonight?
0:47:21 > 0:47:23A cheer from the England sports fans.
0:47:23 > 0:47:25SOME CHEERING
0:47:25 > 0:47:27Why do you put yourselves through it, eh?
0:47:27 > 0:47:31Every year, the Irish, the Welsh, the Scottish, we know,
0:47:31 > 0:47:36we choose only to qualify for these things once every ten years.
0:47:36 > 0:47:40Because we know the pain. But you England fans,
0:47:40 > 0:47:43you fall for it every time.
0:47:43 > 0:47:47You're like Charlie Brown, just when the football is taken away at the last minute, every time.
0:47:47 > 0:47:49It's a shame, isn't it?
0:47:49 > 0:47:53When England are in a big tournament, the whole country, we all get behind them.
0:47:53 > 0:47:56When England was in South Africa for the World Cup,
0:47:56 > 0:48:01they even got a good luck message from the guys in Camp Bastion. Eh?
0:48:01 > 0:48:06Wasn't that great? That puts it in perspective - young men,
0:48:06 > 0:48:11thousands of miles from home, stuck in a campaign they know they can't win, and then they get a video
0:48:11 > 0:48:14from their troops in Afghanistan.
0:48:14 > 0:48:16LAUGHTER
0:48:16 > 0:48:19So, are you ready for your final act this evening?
0:48:19 > 0:48:22CHEERING
0:48:22 > 0:48:24She's ready to go.
0:48:24 > 0:48:28But first, here's what happened when I shagged her!
0:48:34 > 0:48:37- Hello.- Gabby, Gabby, Gabby!
0:48:37 > 0:48:38Hi.
0:48:38 > 0:48:41I'm here to tell you,
0:48:41 > 0:48:43finish this hug and run.
0:48:43 > 0:48:45'Doing this, some people think it is a bit stupid,'
0:48:45 > 0:48:49but I want to help Sport Relief. I'd rather do this, than kayak, swim
0:48:49 > 0:48:54the Amazon, or whatever else Helen Skelton has up her sleeve this year.
0:48:54 > 0:48:57It's not Wembley, but look at the names -
0:48:57 > 0:49:02we have Bill Bailey, Lee Mack, Jimmy Carr, Dara O'Briain...
0:49:02 > 0:49:03They all started here.
0:49:03 > 0:49:08Before you get to Wembley, you kind of have to play a couple of non-league venues.
0:49:08 > 0:49:11This is more scary than playing a bigger venue to me,
0:49:11 > 0:49:13- at least they're faceless.- Yeah.
0:49:13 > 0:49:17What I want you to do, I want you to do the walk on.
0:49:17 > 0:49:18HE CHEERS
0:49:18 > 0:49:21MICROPHONE BUZZES
0:49:21 > 0:49:23HE GUFFAWS
0:49:23 > 0:49:26- HE CHEERS - Thank you, Claudia... Shit!
0:49:26 > 0:49:31- You've given me a faulty mic stand. - Do you want me to show you how....?
0:49:31 > 0:49:33Show me how to handle a mic stand.
0:49:33 > 0:49:37What we need is, yeah, I own this, this,
0:49:37 > 0:49:41and you're on. So we need a style.
0:49:41 > 0:49:45- I wrote some stuff yesterday. - You did, and she's typed it.
0:49:48 > 0:49:50OK, so let's work on the point...
0:49:50 > 0:49:52SHE LAUGHS
0:49:52 > 0:49:57All these ideas going through my head, but they have to come out in my voice.
0:49:57 > 0:50:00- IN AMERICAN ACCENT: - An accent would be better.
0:50:00 > 0:50:02Then this is what we do.
0:50:02 > 0:50:05- I know you want me to do it in Welsh.- I like that.
0:50:05 > 0:50:08Charlotte Church after a few vodkas.
0:50:08 > 0:50:11"Gavin, get here right now and service me, all right?"
0:50:11 > 0:50:15That's the set! 'She has her own notions and ideas,
0:50:15 > 0:50:19'and that's really good.' But there's still a long way to go.
0:50:19 > 0:50:22Some of the material he's interested in me using appears to be rude about people
0:50:22 > 0:50:26who are well known in the public eye. This could go really wrong!
0:50:26 > 0:50:28I might never work in this country wrong.
0:50:28 > 0:50:31I feel you believe in me and that is the most important thing.
0:50:31 > 0:50:34I have to utilise everything that he's given me,
0:50:34 > 0:50:38and hope people laugh, that's the ultimate aim.
0:50:38 > 0:50:41I didn't do my Stacey Solomon, did I? I can't believe I didn't do it!
0:50:44 > 0:50:47Oh, no, I've got to do it!
0:50:47 > 0:50:51Keep your applause going. Our final act in the evening, welcome on stage,
0:50:51 > 0:50:52the fabulous Gabby Logan.
0:50:52 > 0:50:56RIVERDANCE MUSIC AND APPLAUSE
0:51:18 > 0:51:20Who would have thought it, hey?
0:51:20 > 0:51:23You spend a week trying to be a stand-up with Paddy Kielty,
0:51:23 > 0:51:26and all you pick up are some Irish dancing moves.
0:51:28 > 0:51:29And crabs!
0:51:34 > 0:51:38I'm joking, I am joking, of course I could Irish dance.
0:51:40 > 0:51:43I have to tell you, I am so nervous,
0:51:43 > 0:51:45I am pooping my pants.
0:51:45 > 0:51:50My dressing room floor looks like the inside of David Walliams' wet suit.
0:51:50 > 0:51:53LAUGHTER
0:51:54 > 0:51:57My stomach is as tight as Tom Daly's Speedos.
0:51:58 > 0:52:02- Is it wrong to fancy him? - LAUGHTER
0:52:02 > 0:52:05Ladies and gentlemen, how are you this evening?
0:52:05 > 0:52:07CHEERING
0:52:07 > 0:52:10You are all looking fantastic, and this is for Sport Relief,
0:52:10 > 0:52:12I love Sport Relief, I've had such a great week.
0:52:12 > 0:52:14My family have been SO supportive about this.
0:52:14 > 0:52:19I say supportive, I nearly didn't make it out of the house tonight.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22My little girl did that thing that six-year-olds do,
0:52:22 > 0:52:26that guilt-inducing thing. Anybody got kids of that age tonight?
0:52:26 > 0:52:29- Yes!- They can turn it on, Claude, can't they?
0:52:29 > 0:52:34She looked at me, with her big blue eyes, her bottom lip started going,
0:52:34 > 0:52:38her little tear, she said,, "Mummy, where are you going tonight?
0:52:38 > 0:52:43"You're always going out. You said you would be with me tonight!"
0:52:45 > 0:52:50I said, "Lois," because that's her name, I said, "Lois, tonight,
0:52:50 > 0:52:53"Mummy..." - she's a bit smaller than that...
0:52:56 > 0:52:58Fucking giant!
0:53:01 > 0:53:04"Lois," I said, "Lois, tonight Mummy is going out to work,
0:53:04 > 0:53:08"to help the poor starving children of Africa.
0:53:08 > 0:53:10"Without me, they will die."
0:53:12 > 0:53:14Who feels guilty now!
0:53:20 > 0:53:23I am lucky, though, because she is really, really proud of me.
0:53:23 > 0:53:28The other day at school she was bragging a bit about a charity event I'd done with Prince Charles,
0:53:28 > 0:53:32and her teacher said, "What was it in aid of, Lois?" She said,
0:53:32 > 0:53:36"Daddy said it was something to do with upping mummy's profile!"
0:53:38 > 0:53:42I do get the odd compliment. You get people in the street saying,
0:53:42 > 0:53:44"Sue, I love you on Question of Sport!"
0:53:44 > 0:53:49That's when you know you've made it.
0:53:50 > 0:53:53You do get recognised and sometimes it can be embarrassing.
0:53:53 > 0:53:57I was in a hotel checking in for a football match recently in Cardiff.
0:53:57 > 0:54:00The lobby's full of football fans all going to the game.
0:54:00 > 0:54:03A few of them recognised me, and this one guy stopped,
0:54:03 > 0:54:05and he went, "Gabby Logan!"
0:54:05 > 0:54:09so everyone else turned around, because he's drawn attention to me.
0:54:09 > 0:54:14He had a little boy with him. He said, "Son, this is Gabby Logan. You remember I used to watch her
0:54:14 > 0:54:20"on telly, in Sky in the 1990s. She used to be fucking gorgeous!"
0:54:20 > 0:54:23LAUGHTER
0:54:24 > 0:54:27Thank you so much. My name is Sue Barker, good night!
0:54:27 > 0:54:30CHEERING
0:54:35 > 0:54:39She's brilliant! Ladies and gentlemen, Gabby Logan.
0:54:39 > 0:54:42- Was it all right?- You stormed it. No, you stormed it.
0:54:42 > 0:54:46So, all our sports stars have made us laugh,
0:54:46 > 0:54:49and they have all been very, very brave.
0:54:49 > 0:54:54But who made you laugh the most? Remember, they are sports people, they're desperate to win.
0:54:54 > 0:54:59They can't help it. It is time for the audience here tonight to vote.
0:54:59 > 0:55:02Here's a little reminder of how they did.
0:55:02 > 0:55:05He's been taking the piss out of us for ten years, I'm giving him some payback.
0:55:05 > 0:55:09I thought he did really well. A couple of fumbles,
0:55:09 > 0:55:10but he covered them well.
0:55:10 > 0:55:14Once you got the first laugh you grow in confidence.
0:55:14 > 0:55:17Remember when you were a lad you put your tongue on a battery?
0:55:17 > 0:55:19That's what it tasted like.
0:55:21 > 0:55:23He's vulgar and rude, he swears too much, it's a disgrace.
0:55:23 > 0:55:28I was asked to do that, I had to say no - that is dry humping.
0:55:29 > 0:55:33He did really well. It flowed, it was all there, it was good.
0:55:33 > 0:55:37Me stand up for three minutes? You must be joking!
0:55:37 > 0:55:40He did brilliantly, I was so proud of him,
0:55:40 > 0:55:45- even though he's two years older than me, and twice the size. - Who feels guilty now?
0:55:47 > 0:55:49She did so, so well.
0:55:49 > 0:55:52I was like a proud parent watching a kid, it was really good.
0:55:55 > 0:55:57OK, the votes are in.
0:55:57 > 0:56:01Thank you all so much for coming and voting tonight for Sport Relief.
0:56:01 > 0:56:05I can reveal that the winner of Stand Up for Sport Relief 2012
0:56:05 > 0:56:09is the magnificent, the hilarious,
0:56:09 > 0:56:12the fantastic, Gabby Logan.
0:56:12 > 0:56:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:30 > 0:56:33I feel way more excited than I should.
0:56:33 > 0:56:36I know I should say it doesn't matter, we were all great, but no, thank you!
0:56:39 > 0:56:42Let's bring out her mentor, Paddy Kielty.
0:56:42 > 0:56:45CHEERING
0:56:47 > 0:56:51Please give a massive round of applause for all our sports stars
0:56:51 > 0:56:54and their mentors, they all did a brilliant job.
0:56:54 > 0:57:00Michael Vaughan, Neil Ruddock, Ben Cohen, Gabby Logan, Tyson Fury,
0:57:00 > 0:57:04and their comedians, Jason Manford, Andi Osho,
0:57:04 > 0:57:08Daniel Sloss, Chris Ramsey and Paddy Kielty.
0:57:08 > 0:57:12Thank you so much for watching. Please, please keep texting,
0:57:12 > 0:57:15because it's for a brilliant cause. Thank you, good night.
0:57:15 > 0:57:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd