:00:07. > :00:37.I will run 27 marathons in 27 days. Goodbye, Doris.
:00:38. > :00:47.Oh, what a gay day! Eight bananas. Eight bananas! I don't know how the
:00:48. > :01:03.likes are still going, but they are. Right, you are a joke, get out. What
:01:04. > :01:11.I like?! -- what am I like?! Excuse me! Watch out! Low blow can you
:01:12. > :01:15.believe that? This one is made out to S relief, it could ease Simon
:01:16. > :01:22.relief, that is an example of a game. Can you run a football team in
:01:23. > :01:27.Sheffield, what is your availability? I can't manage
:01:28. > :01:31.Wednesday! I am Ore Oduba, welcome to the Queen
:01:32. > :01:35.Elizabeth Olympic Park London Aquatics Centre, whereas you could
:01:36. > :01:40.see there is a clean-up operation taking place after Friday night's
:01:41. > :01:44.epic Sport Relief extravaganza. We will now relive some of the best
:01:45. > :01:50.bits from an extraordinary night. We have Luther, Little Britain, the
:01:51. > :01:55.clash of some very mighty titans, Jack Whitehall had a proposition for
:01:56. > :02:00.Gareth Bale and there was the return of the hilarious yet accident prone
:02:01. > :02:04.Frank Spencer. Friday produced an incredible response, thank you so
:02:05. > :02:08.much to everyone who donated and raised so much. It is hugely comic
:02:09. > :02:12.usually appreciated. And there is still time to donate. -- it is
:02:13. > :02:40.hugely, hugely appreciated. So, on with the show. This is Sport
:02:41. > :02:47.Relief 2016, let the best bits commence.
:02:48. > :02:49.TOM BAKER: Football is one of Britain's most popular pastimes.
:02:50. > :02:51.In his office, sports agent Mickey Perm is trying
:02:52. > :02:54.to strike a deal for one of his footballers.
:02:55. > :02:57.I don't play football myself, because sadly, I don't have a foot.
:02:58. > :03:04.I've got one for you. Kevin Keegan.
:03:05. > :03:21.Ah, Crouchy, my favourite new client.
:03:22. > :03:26.I'd get you back in the England team, didn't I?
:03:27. > :03:30.Well, your numero uno agent has only gone and done it.
:03:31. > :03:33.Really? Yep.
:03:34. > :03:37.I can't wait to be back with the boys.
:03:38. > :03:39.Hold on. It's not exactly with the boys.
:03:40. > :03:42.It's with the ladies. The ladies?
:03:43. > :03:47.I've got you a place with the Lionesses.
:03:48. > :03:54.I've got someone who can help you with that.
:03:55. > :04:02.My name is Emily Howard, and I am a lady.
:04:03. > :04:18.She is going to teach you how to behave like a lady.
:04:19. > :04:20.I must say, I was rather surprised when I heard
:04:21. > :04:26.In my mind, ladies should play ladies' games, like cribbage
:04:27. > :04:39.Crouchy, do you want to play for England again or not?
:04:40. > :05:03.TOM JONES: # Well, she's all you'd ever want
:05:04. > :05:09.# She's the kind I'd like to flaunt And take to dinner
:05:10. > :05:13.# Well, she always knows her place She's got style, she's got grace
:05:14. > :05:23.# Whoa-oh-oh She's a lady
:05:24. > :05:37.# But she's never in the way Always something nice to say
:05:38. > :05:45.# I can leave her on her own Knowing she's OK alone
:05:46. > :05:56.# Whoa-oh-oh She's a lady
:05:57. > :06:09.# She knows what I'm about She can take what I dish out
:06:10. > :06:16.# But she knows me through and through
:06:17. > :06:22.# And she knows just what to do and how to please me... #
:06:23. > :06:25.Are you sure that they'll believe that I'm a lady?
:06:26. > :08:02.What do you think you're playing at?
:08:03. > :08:06.I think you might have rather given the game away.
:08:07. > :08:17.You can give me the outfit back later.
:08:18. > :08:46.My name is Edson Arantes do Nascimento, or as I am
:08:47. > :08:47.known around the world, Pele.
:08:48. > :08:54.With the Fifa election coming up, I am here to make an announcement.
:08:55. > :09:00.I will not be running for the position of Fifa president.
:09:01. > :09:04.Because there is a better man for the job.
:09:05. > :09:10.A man who understands football like no-one else.
:09:11. > :09:15.A man who lives and breathes the beautiful game.
:09:16. > :09:20.Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my choice to be the next
:09:21. > :09:29.Or as he's known around the world, Smithy.
:09:30. > :09:41.Since 1888, association football has held its head up high
:09:42. > :09:49.But now, in 2016, it seems to have lost its way.
:09:50. > :09:52.The good name of football has been dragged through the mud.
:09:53. > :09:54.The game I love, tarnished with allegations, and it
:09:55. > :09:58.And what makes it worse - even the players are letting
:09:59. > :10:05.Players taking dives, looking for cheap penalties.
:10:06. > :10:07.But worst of all, players insisting on ripping their tops
:10:08. > :10:14.I'm determined to change all of that.
:10:15. > :10:17.So today, I, Smithy, announce my campaign to become
:10:18. > :10:35.As I was saying, I want to bring football back to its former glory,
:10:36. > :10:39.and I want to share with you my plan for how we get it all back on track.
:10:40. > :10:41.Firstly, a lot's been said about grassroots football,
:10:42. > :10:44.Grass is rubbish, innit, Geoff?
:10:45. > :10:49.Everyone knows Astroturf is the superior surface.
:10:50. > :10:52.I'm talking 3G, rubber crumb, sand field.
:10:53. > :10:55.No more cancelled games because of waterlogged pitches,
:10:56. > :10:58.guaranteed crazy, uncontrollable bounces -
:10:59. > :11:00.who's not going to want to watch that, right,
:11:01. > :11:05.Now, I would like to go on record and say that the rumours
:11:06. > :11:08.of my being a stakeholder in Chinese Alan's Astroturf company
:11:09. > :11:11.The Lawn Of The Dead are completely unfounded.
:11:12. > :11:14.My shares have been sold to Vanessa Shanessa Jenkins,
:11:15. > :11:17.a woman whom I am not in a relationship with.
:11:18. > :11:23.The next motion I propose is a ban on teams bringing out
:11:24. > :11:32.Right now, Man Utd have more costume changes than Beyonce,
:11:33. > :11:36.Under my regime, all teams must stick with the same strip
:11:37. > :11:41.Couldn't have said it better myself, boss.
:11:42. > :11:45.Another part of my plan is to bring back teams recording FA Cup songs.
:11:46. > :11:47.I'm talking Crystal Palace giving it Glad All Over,
:11:48. > :11:51.the Anfield Rap, Man Utd's Move, Move, Move.
:11:52. > :11:53.Yes, a terrible song, a disgrace to music,
:11:54. > :11:57.but it connected us as fans with the players.
:11:58. > :12:00.Under my regime, every football league club must record a song
:12:01. > :12:02.and a video full of banter every single season.
:12:03. > :12:07.You know me, Smithy, I'm the king of banter.
:12:08. > :12:11.All I want to do is bring football back to where it belongs.
:12:12. > :12:15.In the hearts and minds of true fans.
:12:16. > :12:18.And it's these fans who are being priced out of the game.
:12:19. > :12:20.I heard a story the other day where a ticket to watch
:12:21. > :12:29.No-one should pay a penny to watch Tottenham, but that's how
:12:30. > :12:33.This is football we're talking about.
:12:34. > :12:38.But we, the fans, are the only constant.
:12:39. > :12:40.Owners will change, managers will change,
:12:41. > :12:45.We are ones who remain through thick and thin.
:12:46. > :12:48.As Fifa president, I will make sure we are listened to.
:12:49. > :12:51.But don't just take my word for it - listen to my friend,
:12:52. > :13:02.my confidante, my campaign manager, Mr Jose Mourinho.
:13:03. > :13:10.Three of the most inspirational leaders of our time.
:13:11. > :13:15.But I don't think any of them could save football like Neil Smith.
:13:16. > :13:17.Please vote Smithy for president, and make him
:13:18. > :13:24.Look, I want to go back to a simpler time.
:13:25. > :13:26.Bobby Moore swapping shirts with Pele.
:13:27. > :13:29.Gazza and Vinnie messing about on the pitch.
:13:30. > :13:33.Becks pinging in that free kick against Greece.
:13:34. > :13:37.Sir Geoff Hurst winning us the World Cup in '66.
:13:38. > :13:40.These are the times that I can take us back to.
:13:41. > :14:24.It's a bustling community, home to thousands of people.
:14:25. > :14:26.But when the Ebola epidemic hit, this once-vibrant
:14:27. > :14:32.With people living so close to one another, in already overcrowded
:14:33. > :14:45.homes, the deadly virus spread quickly.
:14:46. > :14:52.People were scared, suspicious and afraid of treatment centres.
:14:53. > :14:58.As ever, in all of this, the ones who suffer most are children.
:14:59. > :15:01.I see why something like Ebola would hit a place like this.
:15:02. > :15:12.12-year-old Mohammed and his little brother Mousa
:15:13. > :15:20.As the only two surviving members of their entire family,
:15:21. > :15:23.they saw relative after relative being taken off to a treatment
:15:24. > :15:41.Why did you not want to go to the treatment centre?
:15:42. > :15:48.With so many family members having died from the virus,
:15:49. > :15:50.others in the community were suspicious that the boys may
:15:51. > :16:16.Having contracted and yet survived Ebola, the boys are back at home
:16:17. > :16:19.and are being supported by their mum's best friend.
:16:20. > :16:24.She does what she can, but there's no money.
:16:25. > :16:26.After everything they've been through, now they've even
:16:27. > :17:00.Mohammed and Mousa still live in the same building
:17:01. > :17:24.They just want to go to school and learn and better themselves
:17:25. > :17:27.They can't do it. They haven't got that option.
:17:28. > :17:31.There's no option there. No school.
:17:32. > :17:36.They're talking about being lawyers and stuff, you know.
:17:37. > :17:42.They've got brains to use and they want to nourish that brain
:17:43. > :17:45.and they want to do something with themselves, and they can't.
:17:46. > :17:51.Every child on this planet deserves or should go to school.
:17:52. > :17:55.It's about giving them an opportunity to just live,
:17:56. > :17:59.to just live, live a life and have enjoyable, magical moments,
:18:00. > :18:16.You can make a huge difference to someone's life, and there is still
:18:17. > :18:42.time to donate. Tonight we have two teams and one of
:18:43. > :18:51.them is going to be crowned Clash of the Titans champions 2016. What is
:18:52. > :18:57.the secret? You just have to pedal fast, don't you?
:18:58. > :19:04.COMMENTATOR: We have a fault, Hugh Dennis is down. It's the sprint for
:19:05. > :19:06.the line. -- we have a fault. Freddie Flintoff is a two-time
:19:07. > :19:22.winner. Next up, synchronised swimming. For
:19:23. > :19:28.Team Redgrave, Will Young! I am the Merman of the synchronised swimming
:19:29. > :19:33.world. Judge number three, eight points, a clean sweep!
:19:34. > :19:42.Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Kane! I'm going to control the water. I
:19:43. > :19:47.wouldn't be surprised if I grew fins and webbing during the performance.
:19:48. > :20:07.It's ten! This is an interesting one, it
:20:08. > :20:13.requires athleticism, sporting prowess. Great travelling skills,
:20:14. > :20:21.and look at the control with the ball. A real expressive performance
:20:22. > :20:24.here. Loads of expression. And a bit of skill as well. Great work with
:20:25. > :20:41.the hoop. How ambitious is that? Look at the tears me that was an
:20:42. > :20:44.emotional performance. Very emotional, and I thought it
:20:45. > :20:46.transmitted to the judges. I will be honest, I put my heart and soul,
:20:47. > :21:05.everything, into that. It is ten! We are about to see two prime cuts
:21:06. > :21:10.of human man go head-to-head. The big man from Bolton in blue. The
:21:11. > :21:16.masterful man from McFly there, Strictly Come Dancing footwork. He's
:21:17. > :21:24.got the point! The small man wins against a bigger man. I have a bad
:21:25. > :21:30.knee, tendinitis in both elbows and the lung capacity of a 57-year-old,
:21:31. > :21:35.I did all right! Team Flintoff have a one-point lead going into the
:21:36. > :21:44.final event. This is so short, you don't hold back, it is all about
:21:45. > :21:49.speed. Team Flintoff leading. Five metres to go, Freddie Flintoff is
:21:50. > :21:57.going to win the 2016 games! A fantastic race, so close in the end.
:21:58. > :22:10.Sport Relief 2016 Clash of the Titans champions, Team Flintoff!
:22:11. > :22:13.MUSIC: Paradise Circus by Massive Attack
:22:14. > :22:22.Well, look, I'll... Hold on. No, hold on, I've got a call.
:22:23. > :22:28.Yeah, I know, I know, Cousin Adam's running in a 100m, yeah.
:22:29. > :22:35.No, no, no, I'll be there in like a minute!
:22:36. > :22:44.I promise, yeah. Like in a minute, all right?
:22:45. > :22:52.I've got to go somewhere. I'll be there in a minute.
:22:53. > :22:54.What do you mean, how long's a minute?
:22:55. > :23:20.I am a detective. I'm trained to see that sort of stuff.
:23:21. > :23:31.Feet cut off, possibly to prevent identification.
:23:32. > :23:39.Every time I come home you do this. What's going on, John, bruv?
:23:40. > :23:41.Well, technically, you're right, it has been murdered.
:23:42. > :23:44.Not only that, its feathers have been pulled,
:23:45. > :23:45.trussed up with an elastic band. Looks like
:23:46. > :23:48.some kind of fetish killing. Exactly what I was thinking.
:23:49. > :23:51.Where did you find it, fam? It was at a supermarket, all right?
:23:52. > :23:55.Mate, it was in the free-range section. I just took it home.
:23:56. > :24:00.you never remove the body from the scene of the crime
:24:01. > :24:07.What are you doing? Everybody knows that!
:24:08. > :24:12.Yeah. He, er...looks like between a bantamweight and a featherweight.
:24:13. > :24:15.You know, good muscle tone, good core stability -
:24:16. > :24:18.must have been doing his plank work, and knocked out in the 10th round.
:24:19. > :24:26.No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
:24:27. > :24:28.Why are you telling Mummy? Don't tell Mummy nothing.
:24:29. > :24:31.I've been backing you for the longest time, bruv.
:24:32. > :24:33.You can't keep bringing murdered tings into the house!
:24:34. > :24:43.Don't move it! He's moving it again! What's the matter with him?
:24:44. > :24:46.On your head, mate. Do you want to start on this, yeah?
:24:47. > :24:53.Look, you cut off the feet, it's got no feet.
:24:54. > :24:55.How's it going to pass the ball round the midfield?
:24:56. > :24:59.Would someone please COOK THE CHICKEN?!
:25:00. > :25:08.What you going mad for, bruv? What's wrong with you?
:25:09. > :25:14.Is this true? Did you bring the body of a homicide victim into my house?
:25:15. > :25:17.Mummy, there's a misunderstanding here.
:25:18. > :25:23.I was just thinking, put an onion up its bum and stick it in the oven!
:25:24. > :25:32.Out, she's out of here, that's it. Done.
:25:33. > :25:49.Sometimes it's hard to tell, you do that thing with your eyes.
:25:50. > :25:55.What thing? Like you just smelled a fart.
:25:56. > :26:05.Someone else killed it, I don't know who.
:26:06. > :26:07.People kill chickens for other people, it's a business.
:26:08. > :26:12.But that don't make it right, do it, John?
:26:13. > :26:15.Your prints are all over it. Of course my prints are all over it!
:26:16. > :26:19.Because I picked it up to see how big it was for all of us.
:26:20. > :26:21.Mummy, what is the problem? It's just a chicken!
:26:22. > :26:23.It might just be a chicken to you, bruv,
:26:24. > :26:25.but it's someone's fam, someone's cuz, someone's bruv.
:26:26. > :26:30.Look, I did not kill the chicken, it was dead when I bought it.
:26:31. > :26:34.100m is on in a minute. Cousin Adam's running!
:26:35. > :26:38.OK, OK, good. Oh, come on, Mum, he ain't never going to win.
:26:39. > :26:40.Usain is in the line-up. Lewis, stop showing off
:26:41. > :26:42.and put on some clothes! I ain't showing off!
:26:43. > :26:49.Hey, who needs a tie when you've got abs like mine, mate?
:26:50. > :27:11.driven by deep-seated feelings of jealousy
:27:12. > :27:16.who just want to destroy both you and your reputation?
:27:17. > :27:33.while still having time for the odd casual fling.
:27:34. > :27:36.Alice, you're not being fair, all right?
:27:37. > :27:53.WHISPERS: It's all right, it's all right.
:27:54. > :27:57.Look, I've got to go. My cousin's running the 100m against Usain Bolt.
:27:58. > :28:07.Look, John, bruv, we can work this out.
:28:08. > :28:10.I mean, we got off on the wrong foot, that's all, cuz!
:28:11. > :28:15.Yeah, I mean, murder, torture, evidence, guilt, justice -
:28:16. > :28:26.As long as you still love your mother, eh?
:28:27. > :28:41.COMMENTATOR: Only five British men have gone under ten seconds...
:28:42. > :28:49.Well, the latest news on the Olympic 100m heats
:28:50. > :28:52.is that Usain Bolt has mysteriously disappeared
:28:53. > :29:11.You're no champion if you don't beat me.
:29:12. > :29:17.All right. Let's get rid of the evidence.
:29:18. > :30:07.MUSIC: Paradise Circus by Massive Attack
:30:08. > :30:15.When I met Mike, I knew it was something very special. I was 17,
:30:16. > :30:21.very shy. We used to spend a lot of time walking. We always held hands.
:30:22. > :30:25.If he was sitting anywhere his hand would go around my shoulder. I was
:30:26. > :30:37.in love with him and expected him to be with me forever.
:30:38. > :30:42.My did work hard. I spent quite a bit of time on my own with the
:30:43. > :30:48.children. He used to work up in town and he'd come down, I'd have his
:30:49. > :30:52.dinner ready and then he'd go down to a local pub where he had a
:30:53. > :30:57.part-time job. So, very hard for Mike and I to have any time
:30:58. > :31:03.together, really. We had big plans when we were both
:31:04. > :31:14.retired. It was our time. And we still had a lot of living to do.
:31:15. > :31:22.I got the phone call to say you must come to the hospital. It was eight
:31:23. > :31:34.o'clock in the morning, rush hour. By the time I got there, it was too
:31:35. > :31:38.later. -- too late. Where did you go when your soul mate, partner, love
:31:39. > :31:48.is gone? There is nowhere. Nowhere to go.
:31:49. > :32:01.I wanted to finish it all, really, join Mike. I used to go shopping and
:32:02. > :32:05.walk over a bridge. And look. But then I'd think of the car driver
:32:06. > :32:14.that would hit me, and what I would have put them through. So that made
:32:15. > :32:26.me walk back. That was the lowest, lowest point. I knew I needed to
:32:27. > :32:33.talk to somebody. Just when she needed it most, Margaret Byrne and
:32:34. > :32:39.The Bereavement Centre, a project supported by Sport Relief. --
:32:40. > :32:45.Margaret found. It is a place she can go when she feels there is no
:32:46. > :32:50.one else. I still get the pain of losing Mike, but it has brought
:32:51. > :32:54.together people who have gone through exactly the same. The
:32:55. > :33:00.Bereavement Centre have saved my life.
:33:01. > :33:04.It is all too easy to think that just because someone is older,
:33:05. > :33:08.though somehow be able to cope with the loss of a loved one more easily.
:33:09. > :33:13.But, of course, that is just not true. Why should age make any
:33:14. > :33:17.difference at all? In this country, around a million older people are
:33:18. > :33:23.chronically lonely, one in four feel they have nobody to go to for help
:33:24. > :33:24.or support. Tonight, you can help to change things, you can make a
:33:25. > :33:58.difference. In the end, the German
:33:59. > :34:06.bench get up and protest Gascoigne has had his second yellow
:34:07. > :34:10.card of the competition, and here is a moment that almost
:34:11. > :34:13.brings tears to his eyes. Question marks have been raised
:34:14. > :34:35.over his temperament David Seaman has been beaten.
:34:36. > :34:42.It's a goal! He's scored the free kick.
:34:43. > :34:58.Ronaldinho has made 2-1, Brazil. The referee has gone to his pocket.
:34:59. > :35:01.It's red! It was in the goal.
:35:02. > :35:08.It surely crossed the line? It's on by Cavani,
:35:09. > :35:10.there is no flag here. It's Luis Suarez!
:35:11. > :35:13.Luis Suarez has thumped it in. So there you go, Luis Suarez
:35:14. > :35:16.put the final nail in England's World Cup coffin in Brazil
:35:17. > :35:19.in 2014, but will they fare any I can't take it any more.
:35:20. > :35:26.Why can't we just win? In the 1984 Los Angeles Olympic
:35:27. > :35:31.Games, I came away with a silver medal, and I came
:35:32. > :35:33.home a national hero. Yeah, you're right, Kriss.
:35:34. > :35:36.It is the taking part that counts. Fancy a drink?
:35:37. > :35:40.Mine's a Tia Maria. Yo, barman, can we get
:35:41. > :35:43.some drinks please? SPEAKING WITH SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:
:35:44. > :35:45.Coming right up, bru. Well, I got sacked from my
:35:46. > :35:49.last job, and it ain't Ugh, it's the football.
:35:50. > :35:56.Why can't England win something? No, I mean something that people
:35:57. > :36:00.actually care about. You want the England
:36:01. > :36:03.footie team to be as successful as the England cricket
:36:04. > :36:06.team - you've got to use foreigners. We use players from
:36:07. > :36:09.literally anywhere. Geraint Jones, born
:36:10. > :36:12.in Papua New Guinea. Shut up!
:36:13. > :36:17.You're as English as fish and chips. As soon as I touched
:36:18. > :36:21.down on English soil, it disappeared, just
:36:22. > :36:24.like that, gone. Come to think of it,
:36:25. > :36:28.Simon Jones, from That's how we're going
:36:29. > :36:36.to win Euro 2016. IN SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: KP,
:36:37. > :36:40.you are a genius, bru. Sort Kriss Akabusi out
:36:41. > :36:42.with a massive Tia Maria. Economy, obviously,
:36:43. > :36:56.as this is Sport Relief. G-Bale, G-Bizzle,
:36:57. > :37:01.Baleo, the Old Baley. What do you want?
:37:02. > :37:05.I want England to win the Euros. To do that, I'm going to enlist
:37:06. > :37:08.the help of the best player So, can you introduce me
:37:09. > :37:13.to Cristiano Ronaldo? I'm joking.
:37:14. > :37:16.I want you to play for England. I'm sorry, but I've
:37:17. > :37:35.got to go training. What I'm trying to tell
:37:36. > :37:38.you is you can't waste all that talent playing for Wales
:37:39. > :37:40.like Ryan Giggs did. You're playing with part-timers,
:37:41. > :37:45.footballers who are working down Cobblers and milkmen.
:37:46. > :37:49.You are Gareth Bale. Think how many more
:37:50. > :37:51.goals you would score if you were being set up
:37:52. > :37:54.by Sterling and the Roon-dog. Those puppies aren't
:37:55. > :38:01.going to look so bad, are they? If you come and play
:38:02. > :38:03.for England, you are It's the trademark of a 12-year-old
:38:04. > :38:09.girl at a One Direction concert. You're also going to have
:38:10. > :38:11.to sort out that hair. Look, mate, all I'm talking
:38:12. > :38:20.about is a little switcheroo Why don't you get one
:38:21. > :38:25.of Scotland's players. JACK SCOFFS.
:38:26. > :38:28.Don't be ridiculous. You're worried about this
:38:29. > :38:32.being illegal in some way, a tabloid finding out you don't
:38:33. > :38:35.have any English blood. Fear not, G-spot,
:38:36. > :38:38.I've got it covered. Meet your long, long,
:38:39. > :38:42.long lost English nan, Not according to these
:38:43. > :38:52.forged documents. Yes, she's an actress,
:38:53. > :38:54.but nobody needs to know that other than you, me,
:38:55. > :38:57.and Nanna Doris here. How many times have I got
:38:58. > :39:17.to tell you, I will never, When you left Spurs,
:39:18. > :39:23.you became a hero of mine. But I'm done with you, mate.
:39:24. > :39:26.You're dead to me, Gareth Bale. Look, there's a very easy way
:39:27. > :39:30.to get me to play for your team. Support Wales.
:39:31. > :39:36.You can't do any worse than England. Support Wales?
:39:37. > :39:41.Gareth, I am a proud Englishman. I've never heard anything more
:39:42. > :39:45.preposterous in my life. Three lions on a shirt,
:39:46. > :39:49.mate, that's me! Gareth?
:39:50. > :39:53.I was only joking! VOICEOVER: Support Wales.
:39:54. > :40:05.Support Wales. MUSIC: Holding Out For
:40:06. > :40:27.A Hero by Bonnie Tyler. # Isn't there a white
:40:28. > :40:46.knight upon a fiery steed? # I'm holding out for a hero til
:40:47. > :40:58.the end of the night # And he's got to be
:40:59. > :41:05.fresh from the fight Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndr
:41:06. > :41:11.obwllllantysiliogogogoch. Please, Jack!
:41:12. > :42:04.No. Sport has the power
:42:05. > :42:28.to change the world. It has the power to unite people
:42:29. > :42:34.in a way that little else does. Sport can create hope where once
:42:35. > :42:47.there was only despair. For the last 14 years,
:42:48. > :42:50.Sport Relief and you, the British public, have been
:42:51. > :42:53.working together to change lives Half of your donations fund
:42:54. > :42:59.projects here in the UK. The other half go to the poorest
:43:00. > :43:04.countries in the world. In Kenya, we are supporting
:43:05. > :43:07.a project that uses football to teach leadership
:43:08. > :43:10.skills and teamwork. And it inspires children
:43:11. > :43:14.to get an education. For young people with disabilities
:43:15. > :43:22.in the UK, sport can unlock a whole It makes me feel confident
:43:23. > :43:35.and I make new friends. Your money supports street
:43:36. > :43:38.children across the world, giving them a safe place to sleep,
:43:39. > :43:41.and, through sport, the chance In Bangladesh, drowning in floods
:43:42. > :43:50.is a major cause of death in children, so Sport Relief
:43:51. > :43:53.taught children to swim Here at home, a lot of older people
:43:54. > :44:02.can face loneliness and depression. Sport Relief supported this project,
:44:03. > :44:04.where sport makes them feel part Across the world, your donations
:44:05. > :44:15.are inspiring people to get active I want to be the best
:44:16. > :44:20.boxer in the world. That's not a bad reason
:44:21. > :44:24.to support something, is it? This is your chance to be part
:44:25. > :44:27.of something amazing. So please, help us to do even
:44:28. > :44:30.more and be as generous You were supposed to be
:44:31. > :45:52.here half an hour ago. You're going to miss our
:45:53. > :45:54.daughter's big race. I have just got to pop
:45:55. > :46:03.in and get Jessica some Oh, be quick.
:46:04. > :46:07.Don't fluster me, Betty. You know how flustered I get
:46:08. > :46:09.lately, what with me Men don't go through
:46:10. > :46:14.the change, Frank. Well, how else would
:46:15. > :46:16.you explain my recent You clearly have not
:46:17. > :47:16.been driving very long, or you would have more
:47:17. > :47:18.consideration for a man What are you doing on the roof
:47:19. > :47:24.of a car, on a bicycle? Well, if they had a proper cycle
:47:25. > :47:30.lane, I would not be up here! Do you know how much
:47:31. > :47:41.this car is worth? Well, this one wasn't cheap.
:47:42. > :47:44.It is in better condition, too. Are you serious?
:47:45. > :47:45.Indeed I were. And might I suggest that
:47:46. > :47:48.you take your driving a bit I'm guessing you do
:47:49. > :47:52.not know what I do You may have a new car and fancy
:47:53. > :47:58.yourself as king of the road, As my mother always said,
:47:59. > :48:03.mirror, signal, manoeuvre. If you can't drive without a fuss,
:48:04. > :48:09.then give up your car, My daughter is in one
:48:10. > :48:33.of those races. That is where I am going now.
:48:34. > :48:36.No, you can't ride that in here. Well, it wasn't easy.
:48:37. > :48:40.You should get a ramp put in. But I'm sure he'll get
:48:41. > :49:29.here one way or another. Would it be possible
:49:30. > :49:54.to borrow your helmet? In the interests
:49:55. > :49:56.of health and safety, Do you live locally?
:49:57. > :50:10.Do you have a place of work? Have you just arrived
:50:11. > :50:14.in our country? Oh, good.
:50:15. > :50:19.Then you have not got far to go. I'm going through
:50:20. > :50:41.the change, though. It's been nice chatting,
:50:42. > :50:43.but I must dash. So, if you will just tell Ringo,
:50:44. > :51:01.I won't be able to get there. First, I, David Walliams,
:51:02. > :51:26.swam the channel. That is why it's a great
:51:27. > :51:32.honour for me to unveil this
:51:33. > :51:33.statue of myself. I don't know, I have
:51:34. > :52:17.had a bit of trouble, All the signs are upside down.
:52:18. > :52:27.I think I might be in France, Betty. Frank, the race
:52:28. > :52:30.starts in one minute. They should have told me
:52:31. > :53:20.which way round to go. The important thing
:53:21. > :53:22.is, you realised. But I'm sure he did his best
:53:23. > :53:43.to get here on time. We're nearing the end of this world
:53:44. > :53:50.record attempt from Sir Bradley And it is truly
:53:51. > :53:57.unbelievable from him. If he can keep this
:53:58. > :54:04.up, the record is on. Just three laps away
:54:05. > :54:07.from the record. Sir Bradley is going
:54:08. > :54:14.to break it yet again! Dad's here.
:54:15. > :54:27.What is he like? Somehow, despite the unscheduled
:54:28. > :54:29.interruption, Sir Brad I will give you a bloody
:54:30. > :55:08.hot flush - get off! COMMENTATOR: What is
:55:09. > :55:31.happening here?! That is an absolute disaster
:55:32. > :55:42.for Bradley Wiggins... Coach David Brailsford
:55:43. > :55:46.has got to be fuming. I have never seen anything
:55:47. > :55:49.like this before. Jessica, I'm so sorry
:55:50. > :55:59.I missed your race. It's just a shame you
:56:00. > :56:03.didn't hear everyone Although I always think,
:56:04. > :56:09.if you haven't got anything nice to say, you shouldn't
:56:10. > :56:13.say anything at all. Because I really need
:56:14. > :56:27.to get to the hospital. All things considered, I think it's
:56:28. > :56:53.been a really lovely day. Even when I done
:56:54. > :57:06.a whoopsie on the carpet? Did you?
:57:07. > :57:12.I don't remember that. Mind you, I'm going
:57:13. > :57:53.through the change. That is it. We cannot thank you
:57:54. > :57:58.enough for your incredible support and generosity that will provide a
:57:59. > :58:04.real lifeline to people in need around the UK and across the world.
:58:05. > :58:06.Sport Relief 2016, what can we say? You have been awesome. Thanks for
:58:07. > :58:14.watching, we will see you soon. # You Raise Me Up to more than I can
:58:15. > :58:49.be. The grand total now stands at a
:58:50. > :59:00.staggering...