0:00:00 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Thank you. Thanks very much. Welcome to Good News.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hope you've had a good week. What's been going on?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Over in Russia, this newsreader was caught in the act.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Did anyone else see Stevie Wonder parking his car on the news?
0:00:54 > 0:00:59Is it me, or do some people really fear the north of England?
0:00:59 > 0:01:03A woman from Otley has been telling how passengers screamed in terror
0:01:03 > 0:01:06as their plane tried to land at Leeds Bradford Airport.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09"NO!
0:01:09 > 0:01:10"Not Leeds!"
0:01:12 > 0:01:14It couldn't be a week in the news
0:01:14 > 0:01:17without sexual overlord Eamonn Holmes
0:01:17 > 0:01:19telling us how he makes love.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21In, out, you know the score.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27And finally, there's nothing better than just watching people lose it.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29George Osborne...
0:01:29 > 0:01:31THEY LAUGH
0:01:31 > 0:01:34He denies it, right? He denies it.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Nevertheless, it's come back, because...
0:01:39 > 0:01:42- <- It's not funny!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45The Mirror has to take responsibility for this...
0:01:45 > 0:01:48She... She's been told her phone was hacked >
0:01:48 > 0:01:51when the Sunday Mirror...
0:01:52 > 0:01:55They got so into it they forgot they were on the news
0:01:55 > 0:01:57and started making jokes.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59This story a few years ago about George
0:01:59 > 0:02:04and this woman who clearly no longer takes cocaine, judging by her size.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07THEY LAUGH
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Anyway, George Osborne
0:02:09 > 0:02:12will be dogged by this,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14and the lawyer...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Beautiful.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Big news - well, a special baby has been born this week.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Events have been taking place around the world
0:02:25 > 0:02:29to mark the birth of the seven billionth person on the planet.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Seven billion people,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35and still my brother can't get a girlfriend.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37As ever with a big story like this,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40the Daily Mail message boards were heaving with madness.
0:02:47 > 0:02:52"I want the name of every person in the world right now."
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Mind you, not everyone was angry. Some were just confused.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Scientists worry about the increase in population.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10With potentially billions more people,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14pressure on water, food, oil will grow.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17A billion go to bed every night hungry.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- WOMAN LAUGHS - Don't laugh, madam!
0:03:20 > 0:03:25"Hungry?! That's the funniest thing I've ever seen!"
0:03:26 > 0:03:29There's too many of us. The planet can't cope.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36We need to start bumping people off. But who?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Don't you worry, I've drawn up a list.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Number one, people who play ringtones out loud on buses.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46People who still do impressions of Austin Powers. Off you fuck.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50People who wear sunglasses indoors, unless you're blind.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55People who say, "I am what I am, OMG, LOL,
0:03:55 > 0:03:59"reem, I'm real, I'm real, I'm real." Really?
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Because I thought you were fucking imaginary!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06And finally, anyone who doesn't like this.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Leave!
0:04:10 > 0:04:11APPLAUSE
0:04:14 > 0:04:16In Blighty, Occupy London was making headlines.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Protesters could remain camped outside St Paul's until the new year
0:04:20 > 0:04:23after authorities offered to halt legal action.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Aside from the issues about vicars losing their jobs and evictions,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I couldn't take my eyes off the protesters.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30They gave some amazing interviews.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34This guy started off by moaning about the lives of the rich.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36They still have lavish dinners,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38they still have chauffeur-driven Rolls,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40they still have butlers and mansions.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44All good points. But then he really lost it.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46We're at home with our Topshop beans,
0:04:46 > 0:04:50separating each bean onto each plate for our children.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Topshop beans?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58No wonder his kids are upset - he's feeding them jumpers!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04My favourite protester was an Australian called Francis Firebrace.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06This old fella is wonderful.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09You can't hold me, because I'm not doing any harm to anybody.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I'm an elderly man. Come on, use your bloody nous a bit.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Come on, guys. I love you guys.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Isn't that great? "I love you guys."
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Just goes to show, if you're going to protest,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22you don't have to be violent.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25OK, boys, which one of you fellas have I got to fight?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31"I'll rip your eyes out and stick them up your didgeridoo!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34"But I still love you."
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Staying in Oz, in royal news, the Queen's been on a trip down under.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42The Queen and Prince Philip are in Australia for a ten-day visit.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44They'll be based in the capital, Canberra,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47but will also travel to Melbourne, Brisbane and Perth.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Did you see the Australian media coverage?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Was it me, or were their reports a little bit morbid?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58The Queen arrives in Canberra for her 16th visit to Australia,
0:05:58 > 0:05:59possibly her last.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01..her last trip to Australia.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03..on what may well be her last ever trip.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- ..her last trip here. - ..probably her very last time.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I hate to use the word "die", so I won't.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I'm surprised they didn't follow her around dressed as Death.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16It didn't end there.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Judging by her hand gesture,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20this reporter was having a pop at how Liz smells.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23The Queen touched down in Perth last night.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29"Oh, it's like a dingo's ball bag."
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Not all of the reporters were rude. This guy has to win the award
0:06:32 > 0:06:34for saying exactly what you see.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38The Queen wore lilac and had fresh flowers in her hat.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40The Duke of Edinburgh didn't.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"Later on she'll be waving,
0:06:48 > 0:06:49"using her hand."
0:06:49 > 0:06:52The Queen and Prince Philip were there for ten days,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55and they met some interesting people.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58One of my favourites, the BFG's daughter.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03Basketball player Elizabeth Cambage towered over the royal couple
0:07:03 > 0:07:07as they continued their apparently triumphant Australian journey.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I love the moment when the Queen sees her.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10"Hello, you...
0:07:10 > 0:07:14"Holy shit!
0:07:14 > 0:07:15"Look, Philip."
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- AS PHILIP:- "Bloody hell,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20"she's higher than Prince Harry.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22"Let's climb her."
0:07:24 > 0:07:27The biggest scandal of the trip was definitely this.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31In Brisbane, 22-year-old Liam Warriner appeared in court
0:07:31 > 0:07:33after he bared his butt cheeks
0:07:33 > 0:07:36to the royal motorcade and mooned the Queen.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Classic Aussie behaviour -
0:07:38 > 0:07:42"It's the Queen. I better flash her my shit pipe."
0:07:42 > 0:07:45So, how did the royals react? I bet they were terrified.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48The Prince gave me a nice wave. It was lovely.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"Hello.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54"It's like a yawning Wookiee."
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Next up, this has to be the saddest story of the week.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04The veteran radio DJ and television presenter Sir Jimmy Savile has died.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I was gutted. He was great.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10You don't get people like him on TV any more. He looked amazing.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Look at that! He's like a cross between Gandalf,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Boris Johnson and Vicky Pollard.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Some of you probably don't know who he was, why he was famous. Check this out.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Good evening, ladies and gentleman. Welcome to Jim'll Fix It.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29# There must be something that you always want to do... #
0:08:29 > 0:08:32He was the man who made dreams come true.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Damn right he did. Basically, kids used to write to him
0:08:35 > 0:08:37and ask him to make their dreams come true.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41And back then, their dreams were insane.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44"Dear Jim, please could you fix it for me to be a suitcase
0:08:44 > 0:08:47"and go on the luggage conveyor at an airport."
0:08:47 > 0:08:49THAT is children's TV.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Forget Dick and Dom.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53"Can I be a suitcase?"
0:08:53 > 0:08:54"Damn right you can"
0:08:59 > 0:09:02APPLAUSE
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"I'm a suitcase!
0:09:09 > 0:09:11"This is amazing!
0:09:11 > 0:09:15"People said I should have asked Jim to play football at Wembley.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16"Dicks."
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Jimmy Savile was such a big part of my childhood.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Without him, I'd never have watched some chubby Scouts
0:09:24 > 0:09:26eat their dinner on a roller coaster.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Five, four, three, two, one...
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Thanks, Jim.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55The only criticism I have of Jimmy - he never answered my letter.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57"Dear Jim, can you fix it for me
0:09:57 > 0:09:59"to look less like Harry Potter?"
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Mind you, those glasses got me a lot of ladies.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Dinner ladies.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Have you seen the latest craze hitting British playgrounds?
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Look at this.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Marbles...just say no.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Will kids be in rehab?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41"My name is Sarah and I am a marbles gambler.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43"It got so bad,
0:10:43 > 0:10:47"to pay my debts, I had to put Igglepiggle on the game.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52"She's a good little slut, though. Makes me money."
0:10:56 > 0:10:57That's a bit full on, Sarah.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00"Yeah, it's just how I get when I'm pimping."
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Have you seen where they get the money?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07They're stealing cash, DVDs and computer games.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Don't steal from your parents. Surely the best way to make money -
0:11:11 > 0:11:12blackmail.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Take a photo of yourself naked, put it in your teacher's bag,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18threaten to go to the papers!
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Easy money.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Over in Russia, there's an alarming promotion in a sex shop.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29Casanova 69 is offering kids and adults
0:11:29 > 0:11:32the chance to win an unspecified gift from the chain
0:11:32 > 0:11:34if they can answer one simple question -
0:11:34 > 0:11:37where do babies come from?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40That's right, a Russian sex shop is offering children
0:11:40 > 0:11:42an unspecified gift
0:11:42 > 0:11:45if they can tell them where babies come from.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I mean, it makes obvious sense.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Remember when you were little,
0:11:48 > 0:11:52how much you wanted something from a sex shop?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I remember Christmas.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Dear Santa, please can I have some crayons,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00a bike
0:12:00 > 0:12:04and a vibrating butt plug?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I never got that bike.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14APPLAUSE
0:12:16 > 0:12:20I'm worried by this news - if sex shops are trying to appeal to kids,
0:12:20 > 0:12:25how long before we start seeing children's TV shows like this?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Hi, kids!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I'm Mr Dildo!
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Where's Mr Dildo hiding today?
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Is he in Mummy?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Is he in Daddy?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Where, oh, where could Mr Dildo be?
0:12:47 > 0:12:48RATTLING
0:12:50 > 0:12:57Mr Dildo! You are naughty!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59APPLAUSE
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Technology news.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09The iPhone is having a wee bit o' bother in Scotland.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12It created excitement among techno geeks
0:13:12 > 0:13:15when it was launched in London less than two weeks ago,
0:13:15 > 0:13:20but now the new iPhone 4s is instead creating confusion.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- Is it a nice day? - Let's see what it says.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29'I don't know what you mean by "Is it NAS Deeta says?"'
0:13:29 > 0:13:33That's right, the latest iPhone can't understand Scottish people.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Are there phones in Glasgow saying,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39"I do not know where the nearest smack dealer is"?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45"I will find one when you have finished school."
0:13:45 > 0:13:48It's little wonder the iPhone's confused.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Scottish people are asking it pretty weird questions.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Do you like men? >
0:13:53 > 0:13:55'This is about you, not me.'
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Remind me to clean my ass cheeks once I've taken a dump. >
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- AS iPHONE:- Remind me to kill myself.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12But the iPhone cock-up is nothing
0:14:12 > 0:14:15compared to Nikon's face recognition camera.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18If you think misunderstanding a Scottish accent was bad,
0:14:18 > 0:14:22look what their camera told this lady when she took a photo.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25"Did someone blink?"
0:14:26 > 0:14:29No.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32But someone made a camera that was racist.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39From technology that struggles with humans, to humans who struggle with technology.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42It's estimated that 8.7 million adults here in the UK
0:14:42 > 0:14:44have never been online.
0:14:44 > 0:14:4842% of those people are aged 55 or over.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52To turn this around, a BBC scheme called Give An Hour was set up
0:14:52 > 0:14:53to get pensioners online.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Fair to say, some of them are quite scared of technology.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00The biggest fear is when you move that mouse, what's it going to do?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05"What's it going to do?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09"It's not just the mouse. I heard my computer's full of RAM.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12"Someone's put a sheep in my computer."
0:15:13 > 0:15:16So how are they getting people like him online?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19The challenge - 250 internet users
0:15:19 > 0:15:23getting 250 internet virgins online in just an hour.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Well, that is going to be a nightmare -
0:15:25 > 0:15:27not the technology but protecting pensioners
0:15:27 > 0:15:31from the ridiculous amounts of internet porn.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32It's everywhere.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Let's do some online shopping. Type what you want into Google.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39"OK! I love fudge.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45"Bloody hell!"
0:15:45 > 0:15:48OK, forget about food. Let's get you a lovely present.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51"Okey-dokey. I want a pearl necklace."
0:15:51 > 0:15:54No, you don't! Let's get you a scarf.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56"No, I want a pearl necklace."
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Stop saying that!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Despite that, it's great that pensioners are getting online,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04because otherwise they'd miss out on things like this.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Over in New Zealand, check out this massive crime story.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Police say a large dog attacked and punctured four tyres
0:16:17 > 0:16:18before taking off.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Holy shit!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22A dog is chewing tyres!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25You're probably thinking, "Why are you showing me this?"
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Why? Because you're about to see
0:16:27 > 0:16:31some of the most mind-blowing CGI known to mankind.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35A South Auckland police sergeant was patrolling the Mangere street.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Bruno attacked his vehicle, biting the tyre, puncturing it.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40The cop changed the tyre,
0:16:40 > 0:16:44but when he returned the bull-mastiff cross again attacked his tyre,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46again puncturing it.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Another sergeant came to the officer's aid,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52but he too had his tyre attacked and punctured.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54It's like Avatar, isn't it?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56If you think what he did to the car was bad,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58check out what he did to the police officer.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Now a cracking story about Snoop Dogg.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08The rapper Snoop Dogg has gone to some extraordinary lengths
0:17:08 > 0:17:10to broaden his fan base
0:17:10 > 0:17:13by personally appealing to a Welsh farmer
0:17:13 > 0:17:14to come to his concert.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16This story is brilliant.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19A bloke called Ian Neale grew the world's biggest turnip,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22and Snoop Dogg invited him to a gig.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Shout out to my homeboy Ian Neale in Cardiff
0:17:25 > 0:17:28for breaking the world's record for the biggest vegetable.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Man, when I do my show in Cardiff,
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I want you to come backstage and see me,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35cos I do vegetation myself and I want to know your secret
0:17:35 > 0:17:37so I can show you my vegetables
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and see if you can grow that into a real big vegetable.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I wonder what Snoop could be growing!
0:17:46 > 0:17:50It's so blatant - he's literally surrounded by cannabis.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53You're probably thinking, "I doubt he went to the gig."
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Well, guess again. Not only did he go, he had quite the adventure.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I got my VIP pass with me to show my friends.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02< And you met him last night?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I met him last night and I had a smoke with him.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I don't smoke, but he offered me one so I took one.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I'm hoping that's just tobacco.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11No, it wasn't!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14APPLAUSE
0:18:17 > 0:18:20"Why do you think I'm wearing this shirt?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22"I'm off my tits!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25"I feel like I'm in a fruit bowl!"
0:18:25 > 0:18:27So, how long did you have with Snoop?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Ten minutes.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33There were four of us in my party, and we had ten minutes with him.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35What else did you chat about?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37"No idea!
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"His stuff was so strong my shirt started talking to me."
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I love how he sums up the concert.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Yes, it was an experience. In fact, I'm still deaf.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52Mind you, if he's deaf, at least he couldn't hear this.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55OUT OF TUNE: # Come on and let me know
0:18:55 > 0:18:58# Should I stay or should I go? #
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Go.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02And take your pubic lice with you.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04APPLAUSE
0:19:04 > 0:19:07He crucified that classic song.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Over in Scotland, here's a report about an eating competition
0:19:12 > 0:19:14that ended in disaster.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17An Indian restaurant in Edinburgh has been criticised
0:19:17 > 0:19:20after its World's Hottest Chilli competition
0:19:20 > 0:19:21left two people in hospital.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Hospital?!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27"How was the chilli contest?" "My arse doesn't work."
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I know what you're thinking -
0:19:31 > 0:19:34if only this story happened in New Zealand.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Imagine the graphics they'd have in the news.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51There's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who it is.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53So please welcome my mystery guest.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Hello!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- Your plumage has come down. - Hello.- I'm Russell.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Nice to meet you.- My name's Ian. - Can I sit here?- Yes, please.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18So, Ian, I imagine it has something to do with gardening.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- No.- Nothing to do with gardening?
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Good curve ball. We're in a greenhouse. Has it got something to do with your hat?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28No, that's health and safety reasons.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Right. Makes sense, doesn't it?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Health and safety making you dress like a bullock.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- IAN LAUGHS HEARTILY - Good laugh.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41That was the kind of laugh of a man who should be next to a fire.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42RUSSELL CACKLES
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- "Pull my finger." - Fire - that's close.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Fire's close.- Yes, yes. - Are you the firestarter?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49No.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- Twisted firestarter?- No. No!
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Do you smack your bitch up?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55No. No, no.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- You'll piss yourself when you get it.- Nice!
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I love these interviews. They're not like Parkinson.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- No.- OK, you're going to have to help me out.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08- I'll give you another clue.- OK.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Oh, that's an infrared... Do you shoot things at night?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- No.- Are you the champion of...? Why have you got
0:21:16 > 0:21:19an infrared sight? What's that?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Do you go...?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22I am the current
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- 40th and 41st world pea-shooting champion.- Oh!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28There you go!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30APPLAUSE
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Would you like to have a go? - I'd love to.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Back a bit. Come on.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Twelve foot.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Twelve foot twelve inches,
0:21:45 > 0:21:47and we fire peas at the target.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- OK.- Every now and then you get a bad pea.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52In fact, pea selection is key to the...
0:21:52 > 0:21:54You seem like a lovely bloke,
0:21:54 > 0:21:58but that is one of the dullest things any man has ever said to me.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01You are lovely, but "Pea selection is a very important thing...
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"ladies."
0:22:05 > 0:22:06That's it, that's it.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- Very close.- That was crap. You do it.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I've dropped my pea. I've pea-ed on the stage now!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Show me how it's done.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- OK.- Let's make this interesting.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Actually, hang on a minute.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33This will be like a really weird recreation of how...
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Agh!
0:22:38 > 0:22:39APPLAUSE
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Get it!
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Oh, nice. Nice. And again. No, let's do it like Robin Hood.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Can you do it like this?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56APPLAUSE
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- You did it, though.- I know!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- You can't put a champion off. - I can't put a champion off.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- Let's do it again. - Give it a good go. Hey, careful!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16You can't!
0:23:16 > 0:23:17APPLAUSE
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Do it again and touch my dick, come on.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27No!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32You can't put a champion off.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36No, no, go downstairs.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Go on, rub it, really rub it.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Go on, touch my dick!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43No!
0:23:45 > 0:23:46It won't go.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49YEAH!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52APPLAUSE
0:23:56 > 0:23:59So, the first question that leaps to mind,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01why the Viking helmet?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Health and safety. - You keep saying that.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06There's people shooting behind you as you're trying to shoot.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11- It protects the back of your neck. - I get that, but why the horns?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14It was just given to me as a gift.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15That's a back story.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- Who gave you that as a gift? - My daughter.- Lovely!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- How old is she?- Er, 26.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24- <- I'm 24!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Did you hear that?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31APPLAUSE
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- That's on telly. - It changes every year!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40That's on telly forever.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- I enjoyed that. Nice to meet you. - Thank you very much.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49- A genuine pleasure. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!- Russell?- What?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I was on the news for something else as well.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55- Ian?- I, er...- Ian...?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I trimmed a bush.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- You what?- I trimmed a bush into an obscene shape,
0:25:00 > 0:25:05a todgery-type shape.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07So you turned your bush into a penis?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Yes.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12That's not often been done.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Yeah...- What made you do that?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23I couldn't do a dog.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25APPLAUSE
0:25:26 > 0:25:31- Please give it up for my mystery guest! - APPLAUSE
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Now, if you think you've woken up grumpy today,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40you've got nothing on this guy.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Confused and angry,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45an elderly man in a morgue in South Africa...
0:25:46 > 0:25:49..led away from the premises
0:25:49 > 0:25:50after he was found alive
0:25:50 > 0:25:52in the mortician's fridge.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Workers thought he had died the day before.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Imagine waking up in a morgue.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01It would be horrific.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Mind you, if that were me, I'd have to take the piss.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07When they pulled me out, I'd freak them out and do the Thriller dance.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11What I want to know, how the hell did this happen?
0:26:11 > 0:26:15His family asked the morgue to collect his body
0:26:15 > 0:26:16after they could not wake him.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20How shit are his family?!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22"Grandad?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24"He's dead. Whack him in the fridge."
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Grandad will never sleep again. "What do you want for dinner?"
0:26:28 > 0:26:30"Red Bull and cocaine!"
0:26:36 > 0:26:39This week's story is about a young man called Patrick Hughes.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40It's wonderful.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Born without eyes
0:26:44 > 0:26:47and a tightening of the joints that prevents his limbs straightening,
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Patrick has been blind and crippled from birth.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53We asked, "Why us?" We played by the rules.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56We worked hard. We just didn't understand.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02That heartbreak began to fade even before Patrick's first birthday,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05from his first moments at the family's piano.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10By his second birthday, he was playing requests.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Can you play You Are My Sunshine?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15HE PLAYS THE MELODY
0:27:19 > 0:27:21OK, we're not going to play baseball,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24but we're going to play music together. That was really exciting.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26MUSIC: "Clair de Lune" by Debussy
0:27:30 > 0:27:34He's my hero. I've told him before.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36What he goes through,
0:27:36 > 0:27:40it's taught me that I don't really have any complaints.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44God made me blind and unable to walk.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Big deal.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49He gave me the ability, the musical gifts I have
0:27:49 > 0:27:52and the great opportunity to meet new people.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56How would you describe your disabilities?
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Not disabilities at all, more abilities.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10Lovely. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for watching Good News.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11Good night.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:35 > 0:28:38E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk