0:00:02 > 0:00:04- 'Hello?'- Hey Rob, Steve.
0:00:04 > 0:00:08- 'Oh, hiya, how are you?' - Good, good. Listen,
0:00:08 > 0:00:11- are you free next week to go away?- 'Where?'
0:00:11 > 0:00:13It's kind of a tour of the north,
0:00:13 > 0:00:15a restaurant tour, really good restaurants.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18'Right. Why me?'
0:00:18 > 0:00:22Well, Mischa is unavailable. You've met Mischa, haven't you?
0:00:22 > 0:00:24'Is she your assistant?'
0:00:24 > 0:00:26No, no that's Emma.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30- No, no, no, Mischa's my girlfriend. - 'Oh, yes, yes, the Australian girl.'
0:00:30 > 0:00:31No, God no, that was ages ago.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33No, anyway, it doesn't matter.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Mischa can't come and I don't want to go alone.
0:00:36 > 0:00:42I've asked other people but they're all too busy, so, you know, do you want to come?
0:00:42 > 0:00:46'Er... I don't know really. I'd have to ask Sally.'
0:00:46 > 0:00:51It's a job, I'm not asking you to go on holiday with me or anything weird.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53- It's for The Observer magazine. - 'Right.'
0:00:53 > 0:01:00- They're going to pay for everything and there's a small fee which I'll split with you 60/40.- 'When is it?'
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- Next Monday. - 'Oh.'
0:01:03 > 0:01:09This programme contains some strong language
0:01:09 > 0:01:11HE TOOTS HORN
0:01:11 > 0:01:13HE TOOTS HORN AGAIN
0:01:13 > 0:01:16WOMAN: Rob, Steve's here.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- All right?- Hey, yeah.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- Hi Steve.- We're off. Hello, hi.- You know Sally and Chloe.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Yes, yes, hi, hello.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- Nice to see you, how are you? Hiya. Mmm.- Very good.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33- Nice to see you.- Hello.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- What is that? - This is just...- Wow.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- Pick axe handles.- Seriously? - Yes, it goes through and then...
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- Climbing? - Got you a set of crampons too.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47- I'll ring you, OK?- Oh, yes, please do. I love you. Mwah!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Look after Mummy. Give me a kiss.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Have fun.
0:01:51 > 0:01:57If you haven't heard anything from me in five days, alert the authorities.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58- Ok, drive safely.- Okidoke.
0:01:58 > 0:02:03- Bye bye gorgeous.- Have a good time. - Can I give a little wave to you?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- Going to wave?- Bye bye. - Can I give a little wave to you?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- I'm going.- Bye!- Bye bye.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Did you say goodbye to Dad? Say goodbye. Are you going to wave?
0:02:13 > 0:02:18I thought we'd go M1, M6, come off at junction 31
0:02:18 > 0:02:24and then it's a short drive on the A59,
0:02:24 > 0:02:29so Clitheroe and from there it's a very short hop to Whitewell.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- And how long will that take?- About four hours.- That's not very much.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Why aren't we using sat nav? - I've always liked maps.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39On holiday as kids, my dad would plan the route, you know,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43show us on the map what the route was and we'd all follow it. It was great.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47The good news is I've found the M1.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I wouldn't have had you down as having a four wheel drive.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52It's not mine. Mischa thought it would be good.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56She thought it would be useful in the Lake District, Yorkshire Dales.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00It's not like down south, Rob, there's a lot of bumpy roads there.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Why isn't she here?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- Because she had to go back to America.- Oh, dear.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12- You haven't, though, have you? - It's in limbo.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Is it all over?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16No, I don't know, I don't know, it's just, it's all...
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Oh, let's go here, let's get some breakfast here.
0:03:20 > 0:03:26- No, let's not. - I've been up since half past five with Chloe and I've not eaten...
0:03:26 > 0:03:27- Really?- You could write about it.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Why don't you review the food and say, starting off by talking about
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- what real people eat. - No, that's been done.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- It's been done before.- It's 2010, everything's been done before.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41All you can do the same but better or differently.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44To some extent, that's correct.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49IN-CAR STEREO: "Atmosphere" by Joy Division
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Why are we listening to this?
0:03:51 > 0:03:55That's what I've chosen for the soundtrack for this landscape.
0:03:56 > 0:04:03It's not expected, you think of that as industrial, associated with urban landscape.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09# Walk
0:04:09 > 0:04:12# In silence
0:04:12 > 0:04:17# Don't walk away
0:04:17 > 0:04:21# In silence
0:04:21 > 0:04:25# See the danger
0:04:25 > 0:04:29# Always danger
0:04:30 > 0:04:33# Endless talking
0:04:33 > 0:04:36# Life rebuilding
0:04:38 > 0:04:41# Don't walk away... #
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- This looks lovely. - Beautiful, isn't it, eh?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56It's the sort of place you'd shoot a Miss Marple.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- Hello.- Hi, hi.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Should be a reservation under the name Coogan.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Two rooms under Coogan.
0:05:04 > 0:05:09Sorry, we only have one double room for you.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13It may be under his name, Brydon, is there another room under the name Brydon?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16No, no, no Brydon. Sorry.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Oh, I thought there should have been two rooms but...- Hello, hi.- Hi.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24- That's Mr Brydon. Can we book another room?- I'm sorry but we're fully booked tonight, sir.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- We can share, that's all right. - No, we can't.- It's a big room.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- Right, I'm going to call Emma. - No seriously, I don't mind sharing a bed,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34There's no signal here. What do I do?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Sometimes you can get it outside...
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- Ok.- At the back.- all right, I'll try and sort this out.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Oh, dear me.
0:05:43 > 0:05:49- Hello?- Hi Emma. Listen, I'm at the Inn at Whitewell...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- Yeah.- There's only one room.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Well, you can stay with Mischa, can't you?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58- I'm not with Mischa, I'm with Rob Brydon.- But this is lovely. I'd be able to sleep here.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Put a little bed down there, and I'd sleep there very happily.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- So are you friends or...? - No, we work together...
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- So I'm just I'm just with... - Are you his assistant?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14In a way, yes.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16'You said you were going with Mischa?'
0:06:16 > 0:06:18No, I said I was thinking of going with Rob.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20OK, look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- Now I have to share a room with Rob for the night. - Sorry, I messed up.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Make sure all the other hotels have separate rooms.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- OK.- Right, thank you. All right love, bye.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Sorry, it's a bit of a warren here.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37No, it's part of its charm.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- Thank you.- So what's your name?
0:06:40 > 0:06:41- Magda.- Magda?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- And yours?- Steve.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Yes. None of this Mr Coogan nonsense.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- So here it is.- Oh, very nice.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- Beautiful, yes.- Very nice indeed. - It's a very nice view.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Look at that. Very big.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- So...- There we go.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Come on, up you jump.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I'll leave you to it and...
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Thank you, thanks... - Here is the key. OK, bye.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10This is a huge bed, we could easily share this bed.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14It might be huge to you, it's average size to me.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Oh, that's right, I forgot, you're considerably taller(!)
0:07:17 > 0:07:19What's the problem anyway?
0:07:19 > 0:07:23What do you think's going to happen, eh?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- You might touch my bottom.- Oh, right.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- Were you an altar boy?- Yes, I was.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- Seriously?- Yes.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Oh, all right. I'll go on the sofa if it's...
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Sorry, I didn't realise we were into Oprah Winfrey territory.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Are you seriously saying you were abused when you were an altar boy?
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Only verbally and physically.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Not sexually, no, just punched by a priest.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52There's no signal here.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I'm on wireless.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Would you like to order?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Yes, please, yes, yes, yes.
0:07:59 > 0:08:06Could I start with the scallops and then could I have the sea bass?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I'll have the soup followed by the chicken please.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10- Thanks a lot.- Thanks.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- Want to see a picture of my kids? - Yes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19- There's me, Mi-Mi and Joe. - How old are they now?
0:08:19 > 0:08:25- Joe's 14 and Mi-Mi's 8.- Really? Yes, time flies. Wow.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Oh. Oh.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- Pretty, isn't she? - This is Mischa is it?- Yeah.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Cor! Did you take that?
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Yes, of course. Who else took it? She's not a glamour model.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- She could be. - Yes, I know she could be, yes.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Why do people video themselves having sex?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46We're not having sex, that's foreplay.
0:08:46 > 0:08:52Like Colin Farrell, isn't it? There's your breakfast and your lunch and your dinner right there.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Well, that just sounded like an Irishman, Rob, a generic Irishman.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Well, Colin Farrell isn't one of my...
0:08:58 > 0:09:01AS RONNIE CORBETT: Not one of my repertoire.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Oh, right.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Wow, that was the most...
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Obtuse segue into Ronnie Corbett...
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I don't put him up there with Ron. HE CHUCKLES
0:09:09 > 0:09:14I've got a scallops and a soup on order! >
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I don't understand why you have this
0:09:18 > 0:09:22aversion to people just doing things to make people laugh.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I don't, I just find it all a bit, you know, just a bit tiresome.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- It's just, you know... - What have you got?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- Rhone 2006.- IMPERSONATES: Oh, bring it on. Pour it out. Yes.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35My apologies for my colleague's behaviour.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37My buddy will taste.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- That's lovely, thank you.- Thank you.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Yes, lovely. I like that.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Thank you very much.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50That was very good, he now has you marked down as an idiot.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- Why?- I'll show you why.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59IMPERSONATES STEVE: Mmm, that's very good, that's a very nice wine.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02You don't do... when you taste a wine, right?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Yes?- All you're doing is checking it's not corked. All you do is this.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- I know, well that...- Shush!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- Well, that was camp. - That wasn't camp.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You did, you just went like this. You went...
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- I did not do that!- You looked like an 18th century fop.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I did this.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Right, well you've toned it down a bit but essentially it's the same thing.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Scallops ready!
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- Ah... - Who's having scallops?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I am the scallops. Thank you very much.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49- And the soup.- Thank you, lovely.- OK? Enjoy your starters.- Thank you.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Soup of the day. Can't go wrong.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Yes, yes, yours looks more interesting but...
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- Mmm, what's yours like? - Well, it tastes of tomatoes.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Not a connoisseur are you, with food?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10The reason for this trip was to bring Mischa.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14- She's passionate about food, she loves food.- So she's the food buff out of the two of you.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19She's a very confident foodie, I thought she could help me and I wanted to show Mischa the...
0:11:19 > 0:11:22You know, the north.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- Show her a piece of me. - You're from Manchester.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30You could take her round and show her the gun crime sites.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I'm from the north, the north has an identity of itself.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Yes, and not the same way that Wales does.
0:11:36 > 0:11:42I think the north could be a different country. It has as much of an identity as Wales.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Are you seriously saying the north of England
0:11:44 > 0:11:48- has a stronger... Hang on, a stronger identity than Wales? - Yes. Yes, yes.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Right, a chicken and a sea bass for table 32 please.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Industrial revolution, the first railway in Manchester
0:11:55 > 0:12:00which revolutionised the world, probably more than anything else in the last 200 years.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05Richard Burton. AS BURTON: ...next admiral in actuality means like God.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Anthony Hopkins.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10AS HOPKINS: I want a room with a view, I want to see a tree.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I think anyone over 40 who amuses themself by doing
0:12:12 > 0:12:16impressions needs to take a long, hard look in the mirror.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Yes, oh, hang on, we're getting some action here.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25Let's have a look, what does it say? Oh, "where are you?"
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Works on a few levels, doesn't it?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Yes, yes, it does, it does.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37AS ALAN BENNETT: As I read the email from my agent, I couldn't help but wonder,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39"Yes, Alan, where are you?"
0:12:39 > 0:12:44Dudley had gone to Hollywood, Peter now dead in a haze of... I'm doing Alan Bennett.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48I know. There's got to be some drama in someone who can only express themselves
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- through the voices of other people. - Yes.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54What if a W fell off a monkey house?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56They're kind of entertaining but not that accurate.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01Well, broadsheet journalists have described my impressions as "stunningly accurate."
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Well, they're wrong. I've not heard your Michael Caine,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07but I assume it would be "My name's Michael Caine."
0:13:07 > 0:13:10That is where you're so wrong
0:13:10 > 0:13:13because that's the very thing I don't do.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Do your Michael Caine.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19AS CAINE: Michael Caine used to talk like this in the 1960s.
0:13:19 > 0:13:25But that has changed and I say over the years, Michael's voice has come down several
0:13:25 > 0:13:29octaves... Let me finish, and all of the cigars and the brandy...
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- Let me finish, can now be heard... - OK.- I've not fucking finished,
0:13:33 > 0:13:39in the back of the voice and the voice now will... I've still not finished.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- The voice...- You're panicking.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46You like you're about to bloody talk. Let me finish. So...
0:13:46 > 0:13:51Michael Caine's voice now in the Batman movies and in Harry Brown,
0:13:51 > 0:13:58I can't go fast because Michael Caine talks very, very slowly.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04AS CAINE: Michael Caine speaks to his nose like that.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08He gets very, very specific, it's very like that.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11When it gets loudly, it gets very loud indeed.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15It gets very specific, it's not quite nasal enough, the way you're doing it.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18You're not doing it the way he speaks.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22You're not doing it with the kind of, and you don't do the broken voice
0:14:22 > 0:14:25when he gets very emotional, when he gets very emotional.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27She was only 16 years old.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31She was only 16, you're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34That's Michael Caine.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37AS CAINE: Shall I prepare the Batmobile, Master Bruce?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40And who's the other one you did that wasn't very good?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- Oh, Anthony Hopkins, yes. - I do a very good Anthony Hopkins.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Well, I think I do an even better Anthony Hopkins.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49I can do him as Captain Bligh on The Bounty...
0:14:49 > 0:14:52"Come back Mr Fryer! You turned your back on me, man!"
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- There you go. - That's good, that's good.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Oh, hello...- Well, let me.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Let me... I didn't say a bloody thing when you were in The Bounty.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I don't often do it, so savour it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07AS HOPKINS IN REMAINS OF THE DAY:
0:15:07 > 0:15:11"Well, it's just a book, just a book, just a romance, that's all it is."
0:15:11 > 0:15:13SWITCHES CHARACTERISATION
0:15:13 > 0:15:17"What's that, Mr Christian, are you threatening me?"
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- There are rumblings. - Oh, there are rumblings are there?
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Yes, there are rumblings. I'm Mel Gibson now.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27I sound like Rhys Darby in Flight of the Conchords!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30You did. If you'd said you were doing that...
0:15:30 > 0:15:32AS GIBSON: Band meeting, "Murray, present."
0:15:38 > 0:15:45This was very nice, hotter than I was expecting, more heat in the chilli sauce.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49There was a lot of heat in my scallops. My scallops were hot.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- There's a joke there. - Plenty of heat in my scallops.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58Heat, Pacino, De Niro, Michael Mann. What have you got?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Four bodies in a morgue.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04I'm out there every fucking day!
0:16:04 > 0:16:09- Yeah? Heat.- Yeah. - A movie where De Niro and Pacino are running a celebrity magazine.
0:16:09 > 0:16:15I need a photo exclusive of Katie Price having a botox.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17"I ain't got it, Al, we can't do it!"
0:16:17 > 0:16:20What do you mean it's not looking good?!
0:16:20 > 0:16:25I got to have her on the front page right now every day I'm there!
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Hey, calm it down. It's all right, sorry.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- It's all right, they love it.- Yes.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Not sure about that but never mind. - Ever worked with Michael Mann?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I work with auteurs.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Like in Rain Man? AS HOFFMAN: Oh, I'm an excellent director.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I directed the whole movie in one go.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- No, that's autistic.- I know that. - I wonder, that's autistic savant.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Is there such a thing as an autistic impressionist?
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Because if there is, I think that might be the key to your condition.
0:16:54 > 0:17:00AS PACINO: Maybe you're right, I don't know, but I see a guy
0:17:00 > 0:17:07with something stuck up his ass who's too uptight to let go.
0:17:07 > 0:17:12No, I like humour, I like levity, I like brevity, I just like to...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Gravity, where do you stand on that?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Firmly, on terra firma.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19You like levity, brevity and gravity.
0:17:19 > 0:17:25AS HOFFMAN: It's great to meet you, I got to tell you you're a terrific actor!
0:17:25 > 0:17:26I caught your work the other day.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31I was watching the television in my room and I said "Who is this guy?
0:17:31 > 0:17:35"He is not as tall as Coogan but he's better. I like him a lot".
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- Excuse me, sorry. - Thank you very much.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- Was everything ok?- Very nice indeed. - Quite tomatoey.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Yes. And soupy.- Thank you.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- We shouldn't fight. - I know.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Come on, let's stop this, eh?
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Come on, Mr Steve, come on Mr Steve, hey?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03AS BASIL BRUSH: Ha-ha-ha! Boom-boom!
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Ok, I'm going to call my agent.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08You can hone your Brush!
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Can I speak to Greg?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- Hi, is that Greg?- 'It is, yes.'
0:18:15 > 0:18:16- Hey.- Hey, how are you?- Very good.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18You emailed me, asked me to call.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23Yes, I did, yes, nothing urgent, just a bit of a catch up really, see how you are.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Through the nose like that, through the nose.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Through the noise. Michael Caine's voice is through the nose.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Can you hear me Greg?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33'No, I can't hear.'
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Can you hear me now?
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Yes, yes, I can hear, yes.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Ok, I'll stay here. What else?
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Right, Doctor Who...
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Doctor Who? What, is it the baddie?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- Yes.- I don't want to do British TV.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Well, I mean all you need is, if you just did one film Steven,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- that will propel you.- I've done 10.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55You need the right film.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03You've got a huge amount of momentum behind you.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06You get momentum when you're going downhill.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Well, yes, but...
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I want to be in films. Good films.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16OK sir, so here's your bass.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Oh, thank you very much.- Sea bass.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- And the chicken over here. - Thank you.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Where exactly are you at the moment?
0:19:22 > 0:19:28- Where?- I'm in the Trough of Bowland rather appropriately Greg, I'm in a trough.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Literally and metaphorically.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Yes. Is Mischa with you? Is she enjoying it?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Yes, she is, yes.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Sorry, I didn't wait.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45That's all right. Oh, yes.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56- What's that?- It's a gun with a silencer shooting...
0:19:56 > 0:19:58people who frustrate me.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Can you do the sound of a gun with a silencer?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Mmm, no.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Well, it's kind of a muted, it's kind of a...
0:20:12 > 0:20:15and then if you do it entering flesh, then it's a...
0:20:17 > 0:20:19It's a...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25How is your...
0:20:25 > 0:20:27This is nice, it's very nice.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- What is it again? - Sea bass.- Sea bass. Nice?
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Yes, yes.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Is that leeks you've got there?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- Mmm.- Ah.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Great Welsh vegetable, the leek.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Why did they have to give me leeks? Why? Why?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Did you tell them to give me leeks so that you could do Welsh voices?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54You do chew a lot, don't you?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- You take a long time to chew. - Mastication...- Yes.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00is very important for your health.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Do you find as you get older...
0:21:02 > 0:21:07- food gets stuck in your teeth more... - Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- Yes.- ..more readily?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- You know why that is?- Why?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- Receding gums.- Well, that's that.
0:21:13 > 0:21:18Revealing the crack, the gap, between the tooth and the gum.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- All right.- Look, look how much, look.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25What are you showing me?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27My gums.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Yours look all right, you know.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Can you see any receding?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- Mmm, yes, yes.- Yes?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Well, that is a honey trap for morsels of food.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41That is an open invitation.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45A bit of food sees that, he goes running towards it.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- It's not good if you're on a date. - You still go on dates, do you?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Yes, I normally go to the toilet... I take a toothpick,
0:21:51 > 0:21:53and just get every bit out.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- I try and avoid foods that get lodged.- Really?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00You don't want to kiss with a lump of chicken inside your molars.
0:22:00 > 0:22:06See, that strikes me as odd that a man of our age would be thinking about trying to kiss girls.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Hi, sorry.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- Hello.- It's your lucky day.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- Why?- We've had a cancellation, you don't have to share a bed tonight.
0:22:13 > 0:22:20- I'll drink to that.- Shall I leave you in room 15 and move Mr Brydon into 7 or?- Which is the best room?
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Well, 7 is a bit bigger, but I prefer 15. Maybe you want to see it?
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Yes, I think I would. Do you mind excusing me?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- I could come as well, if you want.- Nah.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Yes, it's open.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- So. Sorry...- OK.- OK.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- So this is room number 7. - That's nice, yeah.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Beautiful room.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- Nice view.- Yes.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I find the view... It's very important.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58You can't go wrong in this area, everything's beautiful.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00It is, I know, it's really...
0:23:02 > 0:23:06It's very high, isn't it? It reminds me of The Princess and the Pea.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08You know that Hans Christian Andersen?
0:23:08 > 0:23:12- Do you know him in Poland? - No, of course, of course we read.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17- Oh, OK.- Yes. No, we do read.- Right. Where's he from?- Denmark.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Denmark, that's right, yes, Denmark. Yes, I don't like the Danish.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29So how long have you worked here?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Long or...?- Almost a year.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35You and Rob, do you work a lot together or...?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Very rarely... If I can avoid it.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- You seem friendly. - The relationship's purely platonic.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- So what shall we do? - Well, which is the one you liked?
0:23:43 > 0:23:47- 15. Yes, I prefer 15. - Well, I think we should go for that.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Do they accommodate you here?
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- Well, there are cottages for the staff, yes, at the main house so yes...- Oh.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- I live nearby.- Well, that's handy. - Well, very nearby, yes.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- I like your accent, by the way. Thank you.- Enigmatic.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- See you later. - Perhaps see you later, yes.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Steve!
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- Steve.- Oh, hello.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I've moved us through to the fireplace.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Oh, how very nice.- Yeah.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Very pleasant.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18Now, did you know that on this day in 1702, King William III
0:24:18 > 0:24:23died at the age of 51 and Queen Anne ascends to the throne?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26And did you know I have ordered you a sticky toffee pudding?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Yes, what are you getting?
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Niet.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Got to keep an eye on this fellow.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40You've got to help me with the review.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I've got to keep fit.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Do you work out?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48- Yes, a bit, two or three times a week.- You can't tell.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Can I get a coffee please, and the bill?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55And can we get an extra spoon please?
0:24:55 > 0:25:00- Of course, yes. - I'll share your spoon, don't worry. - Two spoons.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Going to see your parents while you're here?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08That is wonderful, mmm.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- Thank you.- No, they...
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Well maybe. They don't know that I've split up with Mischa.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17So you have split up with her, then?
0:25:17 > 0:25:21- Well, it's just... Try some. - No, thank you.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Thank you.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32How much is it?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37£93.80.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Is there a limit to what you can spend?
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Don't think so.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Better check with Emma actually.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Oh, it is nice actually.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Lovely. You should have some.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04NOISY ENGINES
0:26:15 > 0:26:18COWS MOO IN THE DISTANCE
0:26:36 > 0:26:39PHONE DIALLING TONE
0:26:39 > 0:26:46- Hello?- Hello. Hey, it's me. - What time is it?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49It's...
0:26:49 > 0:26:51It's 12 o'clock your time.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Oh, shit, I'm late.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Have you just got up?
0:26:55 > 0:27:02- Yeah, I had a really late night. I think I got in at like three or four maybe.- Where did you go?
0:27:02 > 0:27:07I told you, I went to this magazine party
0:27:07 > 0:27:10at this magazine launch, I thought it would be a good place to
0:27:10 > 0:27:14meet some people and pitch some of my ideas. Yes, it was really good.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18- I met some amazing people and there was lots of interest.- Yes?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Who did you meet? Who was interesting?
0:27:20 > 0:27:26I met the editor of Esquire and he's interested in the story I did about the bikers
0:27:26 > 0:27:29when I went back home.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Does he fancy you?
0:27:31 > 0:27:36God, you know what? That really pisses me off when you do that, like I've got nothing else to offer.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- I'm not, I'm not...- Whatever. Listen, I've got to go.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I'm going to be late. OK?
0:27:42 > 0:27:46OK. Hey... Uh... Uh... Well, I miss you.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Yeah, I miss you too.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Good.
0:27:51 > 0:27:57- I've got to go. Listen, well, let's just speak later, OK?- OK.- OK.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- Bye. Bye baby.- Bye.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Subtitles by Red Bee Media
0:28:17 > 0:28:21E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk