0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- 'Hello?'- Rob, it's Steve.- 'Hiya, how are you?'- Good, good.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Listen, are you free next week? To go away?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10- 'Where?'- It's kind of a tour,
0:00:10 > 0:00:11a tour of the North,
0:00:11 > 0:00:12a restaurant tour,
0:00:12 > 0:00:13really good restaurants.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15'Right, why me?'
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Mischa can't come and I don't want to go alone.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I've asked other people
0:00:21 > 0:00:23but they're all too busy.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24It's a job. I'm not asking you
0:00:24 > 0:00:26to go on holiday with me
0:00:26 > 0:00:27or anything weird.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28It's for the Observer Magazine.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31So, you know, do you want to come?
0:00:36 > 0:00:41So I thought we'd take the B5278 along the west bank of Windermere,
0:00:41 > 0:00:45then when we get to Rydal, we're going to take the A591 up to Keswick.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49- I've printed out some reviews. - Oh, great, oh, that's good.
0:00:49 > 0:00:54For L'Enclume and basically with L'Enclume you can say whatever you want,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57because it goes from the terrible to the wonderful.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Victor Lewis-Smith.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02"Never mind all the talk of inventiveness and variety,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05"the result was as formulaic as McDonald's,
0:01:05 > 0:01:09"with the same splatter of Technicolor bird shit on every plate.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11- "Then..."- That's a bit unkind.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Giles Coren in The Times.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17"Love is not strong enough to describe
0:01:17 > 0:01:20"what I felt about L'Enclume in Cartmel.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25"I am breathless with admiration, respect and awe for the skill, imagination and restraint
0:01:25 > 0:01:29"of the 20-odd plates of Simon Rogan's food that I ate in my two visits."
0:01:29 > 0:01:34- Two thirds of the way through that you were thinking of doing Anthony Hopkins, weren't you?- Yes.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Yeah, I heard it in your voice.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- Are you glad I didn't?- I am glad you didn't and I admire your restraint.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43ANTHONY HOPKINS: "I was dazzled, blown away by the originality, integrity
0:01:43 > 0:01:47"and extravagance I found in the best of restaurant experience ever. Yes!"
0:01:47 > 0:01:51- "Love, not strong enough to describe what I felt about it!"- Please, stop.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54"Restaurant I would easily promise to honour and obey."
0:01:54 > 0:02:00I would honour you, sir! I would honour your restaurant, sir! No sir, I shall not. Arghh! Arghh!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- "I'm breathless with admiration, respect and awe."- All right!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Jesus Christ, it's so early, shouting like that.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- "I'm breathless with admiration." - It's unpleasant.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09He is when he does that.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- I know, I know he is but... - That's the anger.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14And by default, you are. Right now.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I inhabit the role, sir. I'm not a turn, am I? I inhabit the role.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Yeah, I know, you're a real method actor, you're right up there
0:02:21 > 0:02:24with Pacino and... Oh, Christ, better be careful what I say.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26AL PACINO: "Whaddaya got? Hello!
0:02:26 > 0:02:30"Hello! There's method in my madness."
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Why are we self-catering?
0:02:44 > 0:02:50We thought we would go and stay the night at Greta Hall when Mischa was going to come with me originally,
0:02:50 > 0:02:54because we thought we could make love in the bed that Coleridge...
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Ah, yes.- ..Coleridge slept in and made love in
0:02:57 > 0:03:04and it would lend a poetic, romantic frisson to our congress.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Still be romantic. Just the two of us.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- We can be chummy.- Yeah, chummy.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- Yeah.- Chummy.- Without the bum.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Bumless chums.- Bum...bumless chums.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Very big, isn't it?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- Very nice.- Yeah.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Robert Southey. Now who was he? I thought Coleridge lived here.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47Yeah, I would have thought there'd be... Look, there it is.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Samuel Taylor Coleridge lived here...
0:03:50 > 0:03:54- three years.- Not very long. You can hardly say it's Coleridge's house.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Oh, it's not how long you live here, it's the significance of who you are.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02If I lived with you for six months, when I died, there'd obviously...
0:04:02 > 0:04:04there'd be a plaque on the house saying,
0:04:04 > 0:04:09"Steve Coogan lived here from 2010 until 2011," or something.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Coleridge left quite quickly after he moved here.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17So Robert Southey had his wife and Coleridge's wife
0:04:17 > 0:04:21and another Fricker sister living here, plus the children.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24So he was the only man looking after all these children.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- Seriously?- Yeah, the wives as well.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28So he he had to...
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Because Coleridge was off on his travels.- Away.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36Couldn't cope with the domesticity of life, he found it very difficult. He found it hard to be creative.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Yes. Yes, there's bells ringing all over the place here.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41He came back though, didn't he?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Periodically he would come back and visit. There isn't much evidence
0:04:45 > 0:04:49that he actually sent any money back, which is a bit tricky.
0:04:49 > 0:04:55- I'm very consistent with my maintenance, Rob.- I know you are. I would never say anything...
0:04:55 > 0:04:57In case you wanted to draw a parallel.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- So this is Coleridge's...- Wow. - ..study and possibly his bedroom as well.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06Wow. Hey, he would like probably have had opium in here, maybe?
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Possibly laudanum, because that's what they were taking at that time,
0:05:10 > 0:05:15initially as a painkiller, but he did become addicted to it.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- Would you like me to tell you about Holbeck Ghyll?- Yes.
0:05:19 > 0:05:25"Charming Victorian hunting lodge with pleasant gardens and stunning views.
0:05:25 > 0:05:32"Individually-decorated bedrooms combine country-house style with a contemporary edge."
0:05:32 > 0:05:34That's how I think of myself. If I was a house,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I'd like to be a country house with a contemporary edge.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40"Cooking is confident and precise.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44"Appealing menus are complemented by an exceptional wine list."
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Yeah.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Ooh, hey!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Look at that. See that?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Beautiful.- You can't paint that.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Well.- Well, you could, but it would be a bit rubbish.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Probably sell it for about 25 quid in one of the tourist shops round here.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Why do you do that, hey? Why?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17You know it's physically impossible?
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Ah, me back!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25HE PANTS
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- Are you ready to order?- Yes, please. Shall I go first?- Yep.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Could I have the scallops to start, please?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33And then I'll have the pigeon as the main course.
0:06:33 > 0:06:38- I will have the rabbit, please, followed by the lamb.- Thank you.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Nice image, rabbit following a lamb.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43That's a bit weird, Rob.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45A bit weird, isn't it?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- Yeah.- Can we have a knife for the butter, please,
0:06:47 > 0:06:51and a rolled-up £20 note for the salt, thank you.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56And your wines. There's your Germanier and the Gevrey Premier Cru.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Oh, marvellous.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Premier Cru, I know that that means it's good, Premier Cru.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"Premier", first, the best, "cru"...
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Don't know.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Mystery. Mystery.
0:07:11 > 0:07:16But that's good. It's good to have mystery about these things. It's a premier, that's good.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- It's the first of something.- Would you like to try it, gentlemen?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- Do you want to...try it, Steve? - Er, yes, please.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Er, thank you.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31That's fine.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37No, 11, then 5.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44- The amuse bouche is pumpkin and Gruyere.- Sorry?
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- Pumpkin and Gruyere.- What is it, sorry?- Pumpkin and Gruyere?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Gruyere. Cheese. Thank you very much. - Thank you, thank you very much.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- She was lovely, wasn't she? - Very sweet, a nice disposition.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Yeah, imagine her on an alpine hillside herding goats.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Mmm.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04That's delicious. Taste... Isn't that lovely?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Oh, that is very... It's tremendous.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Good Lord.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15My bouche is amused.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Yeah. Can you not look right into my eyes when you taste it?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19It's a bit weird.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Mmmm! Oh, Steve.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23That's lovely.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I don't fancy my chances of sleeping in Coleridge's house.
0:08:28 > 0:08:34I'm bad enough in a really good hotel. Because I like the smells of home, the home smells.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I'm like an animal in that sense.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39What? Like a mouse?
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Like a lion.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43If he strays far from the pride,
0:08:43 > 0:08:47he yearns for the smell of his lady lion, his she-lion.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Let's change the subject, mate. Please. For Christ's sakes.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- Ooh, hang on.- I'm OK, thanks. - Sorry, I'll finish.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Oh, my God.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Oh, Rob, please, please.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Thank you very much. Thank you very much, thank you.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08OK, service.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Table 6, scallops.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13This is Hazlitt on Coleridge.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18"All that he had done of moment he had done 20 years ago.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22"Since then he may be as said to live on the sound of his own voice.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"He is a general lover of art and science..." - that's true -
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- "..wedded to no-one in particular." - Oh, it's about...- That's very true.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30OK, it's about me, I didn't realise, but carry on.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32"He pursues knowledge as a mistress."
0:09:32 > 0:09:37- OK.- "It was not to be supposed that Mr Coleridge could keep on at the rate he set off."
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- ALAN PARTRIDGE: "Ah-ha!" "He could not realise all he knew..."- Is that written down?
0:09:40 > 0:09:45"..and less, could not fix his desultory ambition. Other stimulants supplied the place..."
0:09:45 > 0:09:50Careful, you were going into Jimmy Savile then, but I'll let it go.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55"Other stimulants supplied the place and kept up the intoxicating dream,
0:09:55 > 0:10:00"the fever and the madness of his early impressions."
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Right, I don't do impressions.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06I'm saying that it can be hard to have a big success.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Bob Balaban said, "Never be hot, always be warm,"
0:10:09 > 0:10:14- and a lot of the people that are thought of as great had - psshhhh! - supernova moments.- Yeah.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Where do you go from there?
0:10:15 > 0:10:21Well, it's difficult, you know, once you've achieved greatness to...to match that.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- I imagine it is.- Yeah, and you'll always imagine,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27because it's not a problem you'll ever have to contend with.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29But that's not a problem for me. Why?
0:10:29 > 0:10:34I'd rather be me than you, because I'd rather have these moments of genius
0:10:34 > 0:10:38than, er...than-than-than a lifetime of...
0:10:38 > 0:10:40mediocrity.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42My career is NOT mediocre.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47OK. About to go. Two crab, rabbit, scallops.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Doesn't matter about the time.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- Scallops.- Thank you very much. - Well, if you... Thank you. Thanks.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- Golly, thank you. - Enjoy it.- Thank you very much.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I always think of Coleridge as sort of a Richard Burton type character.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06"In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree
0:11:06 > 0:11:14"Where Alph, the sacred river, ran Through caverns measureless to man Down to a sunless sea."
0:11:14 > 0:11:18I'm very impressed. You've shocked me, because I would have thought
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- that you would have preferred Olivia Newton-John's version of Xanadu. - ROB LAUGHS
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I think both Newton-John and Coleridge
0:11:25 > 0:11:29tackled the subject of Xanadu with varying degrees of success.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31They call it Xana-DU.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Yes.- Xana-DU.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Xaaaaa-nadu. In...
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- Xanadu.- Ably abetted by, er...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- Jeff Lynne.- Jeff Lynne.- Of... - Of the Electric...Light Orchestra.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44The Electric LIGHT Orchestra.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- The Electric...Light Orchestra. - ROB LAUGHS
0:11:47 > 0:11:51First one, pigeon, lamb, followed by duck, lamb.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Wordsworth took his time. He's a plodder, he took his time.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Let's study, boom, boom.- Yeah, well, it's the tortoise and the hare.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- Do you see yourself as a hare? - A hare... Yeah, I'm happy to be a hare.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- Are tortoises happier than the hare? - Yeah, but they're...they're boring.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- Hares go...you know... - HE MAKES SWISHING NOISES
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I'd rather be a tortoise. A tortoise wins at the end.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- Yeah, that's true. - Thank you very much.- A top-up? - Yes, I like drinking wine.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20STEVE LAUGHS
0:12:20 > 0:12:21OK, when that goes...
0:12:23 > 0:12:25We'll just plate up here and we'll...
0:12:25 > 0:12:28"Better to burn out than fade away." Neil Young.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30"One small leap for man." Neil Armstrong.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32"One small leap for man"?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35It was actually, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- Well, it was meant to be "a man". - "A man."- He got it wrong.- I know.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- He got his lines wrong.- Yes, he did. He got his lines wrong.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Because he hadn't learnt them. He hadn't thought it through.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Thank you very much.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50STEVE SIGHS
0:12:51 > 0:12:56- I don't need the nod and the wink. I don't need it every time. - Well, you know what...
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- OK, yeah, don't do that. - No, I'm saying, "I won't do that." I'm going...- OK.- "I won't do it."
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Service!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- The lamb.- Thank you.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- Golly, that...that does look nice. - Pigeon. Thank you.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- That looks lovely. What is that? - Pigeon.- Really?- Yeah.- Golly.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- Don't want to sit there watching you COOING over it.- Hm.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- What have you got?- I...have lamb.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Thank you.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Farewell to the white wine.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Hello to our old friend, the red.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Mmm. That's nice.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37That's very nice.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Mm.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Do you think we just have the same conversation in every restaurant? - Um...
0:13:42 > 0:13:46- Yeah, of course we do... - We're essentially having the same conversation every place we go to.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50I think we start out being a bit awkward with each other.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55- Have a little bit of wine, exchange a few frivolities.- Loosen up, enjoying each other's company.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Enjoy each other's companies, have a bit more wine, get cantankerous...
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Yeah.- ..and...- Pick faults with each other.- Pick faults with each other,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04and it descends into a kind of a...
0:14:04 > 0:14:08a sort of a bitter, unhappy... end to the meal.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11That's a little haggis.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Yeah.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Anyone ever asks you to go on a haggis hunt, be careful what you say.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18SCOTTISH: They're taking you for a fool.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21SEAN CONNERY: "Taking you for a fool.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22"He's a bloody fool.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25"There's no such thing as a haggis hunt."
0:14:25 > 0:14:27STEVE EXHALES SLOWLY
0:14:27 > 0:14:30ROB MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY AS CONNERY
0:14:30 > 0:14:36I just imagined myself putting my knife upside down and just pressing my head on to it then.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- Desperate to be taken seriously, aren't you?- No!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43You can't treat your entire life like...a Radio 4 panel show.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Bzzzz! Yes, you can. STEVE LAUGHS
0:14:46 > 0:14:51Alex James said he celebrated his 20th birthday with alcohol,
0:14:51 > 0:14:55his 30th with drugs and his 40th with food.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Is that how it is for you?
0:14:57 > 0:14:58- Erm... - STEVE SIGHS
0:14:58 > 0:15:00STEVE MURMURS
0:15:00 > 0:15:05Well, don't you find it exhausting? Still running around, going to parties, chasing girls, at your age?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- I don't run around and go to parties, or chase girls.- You do!
0:15:09 > 0:15:10- No, I...- You chase girls.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I don't chase them. You sound like Benny Hill.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15But don't you find all that exhausting at your age?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18No. Do you find it exhausting looking after a baby?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20- Yes, I do.- Yeah, well...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Everything's exhausting when you're past forty-...
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Everything's exhausting at our age.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Right, after this, we're going to go duck, lamb.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Oh, dear.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Rather miserly portion.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- I think a mouse has taken a shit on your plate.- Yeah.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- Here is Langres, Champagne cheese. - Oui.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Wensleydale, local cheese.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Wensleydale. WALLACE: "Cracking cheese, Gromit.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02- "Ohhhh!"- I'll just say, your eyes match your neckerchief perfectly. - Thank you.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Please don't press charges. HE CHUCKLES
0:16:05 > 0:16:08There's a fine line between...er, pleasantries...
0:16:08 > 0:16:13- And sexual harassment, and that's the line that you were... Thank you very much.- Thank you.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- JAMES MASON: "What a charming girl." - "What a charming girl."
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- "Charming girl." MASON:- James Mason is from Yorkshire. Occasionally you can hear his vowel sounds,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23very flat vowel sounds when he speaks.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- Wallace is probably... MASON:- Go to your room or I shall beat you!
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- Are you still doing James Mason?- No, I'm just speaking to you directly.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Can I have my cheese first? - Yes.- Thank you.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35ALAN BENNETT: "Put it onto the cracker.
0:16:35 > 0:16:41"I rise it slowly to me mouth, wondering if it'll fulfil the promise of cheese gone by at Leeds Grammar.
0:16:41 > 0:16:49"'Oh, Mam.' 'Oh, Alan.' And I did. And now, as I look back, Dudley and Peter,
0:16:49 > 0:16:54"Dudley, elfin sexuality, Jonathan, that much cleverer than Peter, Dudley and I,
0:16:54 > 0:16:59- "and yet..."- Peter, Dudley and me. - Peter, Dudley and me, sorry. - Not Peter, Dudley and I.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02"The cheese evoking memories of..."
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Well, I was hoping that that interjection might curtail your Alan Bennett odyssey.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11BENNETT: Oh, no, not at all. "The cracker found under the sofa."
0:17:11 > 0:17:15SCOUSE: Cracker. The cracker. Who talks like that? The cracker. Eh?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Scousers.- Yeah, fockin' Scousers.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- Come 'ere with a cracker. - They don't say "ccchhom". - Come 'ere with your cracker.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26- They don't say "ccchhom 'ere"... - Fuck your crackers. Don't fucking crook your crackers.- No "ccchh".
0:17:26 > 0:17:29That's what the Welsh do, all that "ccchh".
0:17:29 > 0:17:33They don't want the Scousers talking cracker... I met Steven Gerrard once.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37- "All right, how ya doin'? All right." - I met Paul McCartney once.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I'm not just listing Liverpudlians I've met. I'm just telling you I met him. He's a footballer.
0:17:40 > 0:17:46- I'm not listing mine...- Probably never even heard of you.- But I met Paul McCartney.- Good. I'm envious.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Too much cheese.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51You can say that again.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55That should be the name of your autobiography. Too Much Cheese.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Yeah, and yours should be Sticky Toffee Pudding.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Well, that's devastating, I'm devastated.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04That was lovely, thank you, delightful.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08- He's made light work of that, hasn't he?- Short shrift. - With Trevor Eve.- Thank you.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Friday at nine on BBC One.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- Yes, can we have the bill, please, when you're...- Yes, of course.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I'm tired now. Can't wait to sleep.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I think you should.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26KEN BRUCE: "Thank you, Terry. There'll be more from Terry, same time tomorrow.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30"Right, the Doobie Brothers, What A Fool Believes. This fool believes any old nonsense."
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Your bill, gentlemen.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Thank you very much. - Thank you very much. - What does it say, what does it say?
0:18:35 > 0:18:41How exciting. And the winner is... Holbeck Ghyll, £140.30.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42- Holbeck Ghyll.- Holbeck Ghyll.
0:18:42 > 0:18:47Holbeck Ghyll. "Hello, my name's Holbeck Ghyll."
0:18:47 > 0:18:50"Hello, my name's Holbeck Ghyll."
0:18:50 > 0:18:54- "You might remember me..."- "You might remember me from Follyfoot..."
0:18:54 > 0:18:58- "But now I'm here to tell you about a wonderful new walk-in bath." - "..and Softly, Softly."
0:19:01 > 0:19:06"I once played an elderly gentleman with concussion in Holby City, but I was cut out."
0:19:06 > 0:19:12"And a man...played an elderly gentleman who was WRONGLY accused of being a paedophile."
0:19:12 > 0:19:15"And that was important to me, that he was wrongly accused."
0:19:15 > 0:19:21"Very important to me. I said, 'I don't mind being a paedophile, as long as he's wrongly accused.'
0:19:21 > 0:19:23"If you're over 50..."
0:19:23 > 0:19:29- "If you're over 150."- "If you're 150..."- "Like me..."- "..if you're worried about intruders...
0:19:29 > 0:19:32"then turn your semi-detached house into Fort Knox."
0:19:32 > 0:19:35ROB LAUGHS
0:19:35 > 0:19:40- "With my aluminium blinds." - "And look at my razor wire." - "Look at them."
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Brrrr...krang!
0:19:41 > 0:19:45"Do you know, a small child of 12 tried to enter my garden the other day
0:19:45 > 0:19:49"and went away with lacerations to his hands and wrists,
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- "thanks to my razor wire and... shards of glass."- That's just illegal. You can't do that.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55"I know it's illegal, but I don't care.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59"I'll do what I can to keep the little shits off my property.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04"I'm Holbeck Ghyll. Good night."
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- RINGING TONE - Hi, Emma.- Hey. You all right?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Yeah, I got a missed call.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Yeah, I was just phoning to remind you about the photographer.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- She's going to meet you at Hipping Hall tomorrow.- OK.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- Well, hang on... Photographer? - Yeah, for the photos for the articles.
0:20:21 > 0:20:26- We talked about it in the office, remember?- Oh.- Yeah, it's on my itinerary.- OK, yeah.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31Her name's Yolanda, by the way, and I'm going come up with her tomorrow, so you'll see me then.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34If you need anything in the meantime, just give me a shout.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Yes, miss. OK, I'll talk to you soon.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42- Thanks... Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then, yeah?- Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.- Good. OK, bye.- Bye.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Ah-ha!
0:20:49 > 0:20:52ECHO
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- Do you remember the Seekers?- Yeah.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59# Rockin', rollin', ridin'
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- BOTH:- # All along the bay
0:21:02 > 0:21:05# Something, something, Morningtown
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- BOTH:- # Many miles away. #
0:21:08 > 0:21:13A kind of processed-cheese version of real '60s music.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17I remember friends of my friends had Bridge Over Troubled Water.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22- Yeah.- I remember thinking, "Phew, that's a..."- They're cool.- Yeah. Wings At The Speed Of Sound.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- Well, that would have been very racy.- Cliff Richard.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Not black technically, but in his soul...
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Yeah. Yeah, I assume you're being ironic.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Look at this. Magnificent.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50SHEEP BLEAT
0:21:50 > 0:21:52This is Langdale.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56You know what that means? It means Long Valley in Viking.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59This would have... Oof!
0:21:59 > 0:22:03All this was formed in the last ice age, about 10,000 years ago.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Incredible, isn't it?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07How far are we gonna go?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- Just a little bit further. - Because it's late.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- I know, I know.- As you can see, the sun is now the other side of the....
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- Hello. It's OK. Hello.- Hello.- Hi.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20Human history's been recorded for...what? 3,000 years?
0:22:20 > 0:22:25And yet...right now we're in a warm period, but there's going to be another ice age very soon.
0:22:25 > 0:22:30In about, say, I don't know, a few thousand years. But that's, you know, a blink of an eye.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33The rocks here were formed 400 million years ago.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35400 MILLION years ago.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39It's like...where we are now, this was a huge volcanic caldera,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41this was a volcanic lake of molten volcano
0:22:41 > 0:22:45and it was on a land mass called Avalonia that drifted from Southport
0:22:45 > 0:22:48all the way to where we are now over hundreds of million of years.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52We shouldn't probably go much further, just because of the light.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- It's, er... Isn't that beautiful, that?- Yes.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10I think it's... Obviously it's more beautiful in the mist.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- This is gorgeous.- It's like a...
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It's like a Turner painting.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40- STEVE SIGHS - Erm, have you got two tickets for Dove Cottage?
0:23:40 > 0:23:45I'm...I'm really sorry, sir, but the last admission is at five o'clock.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Right, OK. Well, it's...five past.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- I'm really sorry, sir, but these are the rules.- We'll be very quick.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Yes, I know, but... that really wouldn't be fair on all the other latecomers.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02- So, what other latecomers? I can't see anyone.- No, not at the moment, but...- Pleeease, would you...
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- We've come from London.- Why didn't you come earlier?- Well, that's...
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Because I got... stuck in traffic.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- I'm sorry. Perhaps you could come back tomorrow.- I can't... - Is this man troubling you?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- What are you doing?- Nothing, I just...- Honestly.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- We just wondered if we could pop inside and have a little look at the cottage.- Mr Brydon?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- Yes, it is.- It's very nice to meet you.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- Would you do something for me? I have a grandson... - Depends what it is.
0:24:25 > 0:24:30I have a grandson and, erm, he loves that...tiny man...
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Small Man in a Box? - ..Small Man in the Box that you do.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- Could you sign...sign this for him? - Sure. Yeah.- Thank you.- OK.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- Thank you.- What's his name?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40His name...is William.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Well, look, I'll sign this for William, OK...- Yes?- ..if, er...
0:24:43 > 0:24:46TINY MAN: If my friend and I can go and take a look at Dove Cottage.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49SHE LAUGHS What do you say?
0:24:49 > 0:24:55I don't understand that. Why... Why do people have to be like that?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57She wasn't being like anything.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59It is only open for another half an hour,
0:24:59 > 0:25:03and that woman, in all fairness, is probably bereaved.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07- Yeah, but it's not my fault her husband's dead.- No, but you...
0:25:07 > 0:25:12It's just... Old people like that, sometimes, not all old people, a lot of them, seek out aggravation.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Oh, that's utter rubbish. She was a love... She was lovely.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Looks not unlike yourself in that picture.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Are you ready? One, two...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- Want some?- Er...no, thank you.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- Sure?- Absolutely. Never smoked.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Well, that's the...
0:25:48 > 0:25:51the trouble with you, Rob. You're not open to new experiences.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Pffft.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57I would remind you of the time I had a Red Bull and Coke.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03That's not want Coleridge would have been, er...
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- imbibing. He wouldn't have been having a spliff, would he? - No, he wouldn't.
0:26:06 > 0:26:11- Had opium.- But, I mean, he would definitely have partaken if they'd been around.
0:26:11 > 0:26:16If you really want to pay tribute to him you should be having some... er, opium.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18What? That's...
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- Or it's modern-day equivalent. - This, this..
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Well, no, the modern-day equivalent of that, that's heroin.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Yeah. That's what I'm saying.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Well...
0:26:27 > 0:26:32- I'm not a junkie, Rob. - I'm not encouraging you to become hooked on heroin, I'm just saying...
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- You sound like you are. - I'm not. Why would I do that? - I don't know, for a laugh.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Ah, it's a hell of a laugh.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40You know Steve? Have you seen Steve lately?
0:26:40 > 0:26:45He's living in that council estate, curled up in his own shit. It was my doing, that was.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I suggested he try heroin. Cracking idea.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49I would never do that.
0:26:55 > 0:27:01Most creative people... The most creative people...smoke, you know...
0:27:01 > 0:27:03smoke marijuana, smoke hash.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32So, I'm tucked up in bed, in my pyjamas.
0:27:32 > 0:27:37My flaccid member brushing up against Coleridge's soft cotton sheets... LAUGHTER ON PHONE
0:27:37 > 0:27:42..waiting to be...to be awoken by a dusky maiden at the end of the phone.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Oh, I need somewhere warm to put my hands.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Well, I'll give you somewhere warm to put your hands. Yes, I'd be a human mitten.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50HE SQUEAKS
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Alf, I'm trapped in a box.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Help, I'm a little man.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Help, I'm a little man in a box!
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Hel...
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Help me, I'm a little man trapped in a box.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:40 > 0:28:42E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk