0:00:02 > 0:00:06'A time ago when Rory McGrath and Dara O'Briain knew less about boats than they do now,
0:00:06 > 0:00:10'everything started with a short jaunt up the Thames in a skiff.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13'Since then we have journeyed around the south coast where
0:00:13 > 0:00:16- 'we took part in a race in Griff's yacht.'- Get the pole in.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20The pole went in the sea, which I don't think is a good thing.
0:00:20 > 0:00:25'And lost badly. To Cornwall where Rory nearly killed us in his boat.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28'Twice.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30'To Ireland where Dara ended up in a paddy.'
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- Top of the morning to you! - THEY LAUGH
0:00:33 > 0:00:35'To Scotland where we nearly drowned.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41'And to the Balkans and Venice where we blended in with the locals.'
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- Seven!- I can only give you five.- Oh!
0:00:44 > 0:00:48'We've been under sail, motor and the whip.
0:00:48 > 0:00:54'Through storms, fog and conditions that would test even the most resilient sailor.'
0:00:54 > 0:00:59We are locked in a battle with them at one mile an hour.
0:01:00 > 0:01:06'We've sailed around some of the most breath-taking scenery in the British Isles, Ireland and further afield.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08'Here are some of our favourite moments.'
0:01:12 > 0:01:15'In 1889, Jerome K Jerome,
0:01:15 > 0:01:19'wrote up the exploits he and two of his friends had had on the Thames.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23'Three Men In A Boat became a bestseller.'
0:01:25 > 0:01:29'I'm not quite sure how we've been persuaded to repeat the exercise,
0:01:29 > 0:01:31'but anyway, like them we begin in Kingston.'
0:01:32 > 0:01:36- Just keep the dog away from me. - Like them, we take a dog.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39My God, it's a very small boat, isn't it?
0:01:39 > 0:01:45'Like them, we have a wooden skiff. And, like them, we're three grown men who should know better.'
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Exactly how are we going to get enough gear for a week into that?
0:01:49 > 0:01:54We've discovered that Griff has extremely strong opinions on how to load a boat.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- He's in charge of packing.- OK.
0:01:57 > 0:02:03- We have to do everything he says. - Has already become exasperated with us and decided to do it himself?
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- No, we're being really lazy. - That didn't have to be laid that heavily down.- No.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- For a start, we're not taking the water.- I thought we'd decided...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- No.- You're in charge.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I can't remember what we agreed.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- Actually, that's not looking bad. - It's not looking bad at all.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24- What's he doing?- I don't know but he's loving it.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29You know, genetically, Griff is very close to the human being.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31His DNA is only slightly different.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- 99.8%.- He can reason, he can use tools.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38He uses a rudimentary language.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41THEY LAUGH
0:02:41 > 0:02:46Dara, as you may have noticed already, is the Long John Silver of this trip.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47He's on a crutch.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Rory is just fat and incapable.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56So, one way or another, there's going to be some sort of argument about who rows this boat.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58He can't be worried that we're talking behind his back
0:02:58 > 0:03:00and I'm sitting in HIS seat.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Cast off, bosun. This is it, boys. Good luck.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I can't row with the dog here.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12OK, Lolly... Lol.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Get the scruff of the neck and push it up there.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16It's going to jump in.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Lol, come up here. Lol.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Apparently the river becomes very beautiful for a while.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29- Can I say, Dara and I are rowing very well, Griff. - You are, I'm impressed.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32You've caught a crab.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- I find it easier to row if I'm rowing on my own.- OK.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Boys! Stop this. It's a team effort.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Every time the rowing starts, you start saying,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44"You stop rowing, I want to row on my own."
0:03:44 > 0:03:46If you're going to do it on your own...
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Dara and I want to say you have to row faster and better than you're doing at the moment.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54- Exactly!- It's pathetic. - I'm practising.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Can you put a camera, just for a second, on this rowing.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Rory, it sort of goes...
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Make up your mind, Rory, in or out.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03You row in fits and starts.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Sometimes I row slowly, sometimes I row fast.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09What is wrong with you, get a life!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14'Having mastered the skiff and the art of bickering,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17'it's time to graduate to a larger boat.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19'My boat...
0:04:19 > 0:04:20'a classic sailing yacht.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23'Mistakenly, I put Rory at the helm.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27'The Swale is a bit narrow for Griff's yacht.'
0:04:29 > 0:04:32You're heading towards other boats!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Keep going... Slow down.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37'With everyone concentrating on not hitting other boats
0:04:37 > 0:04:42'and putting the mainsail up for the first time, I was not paying attention to the depth meter.'
0:04:46 > 0:04:49CRUNCHING AND GRATING
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Take the power off.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Take the power off, take the power off. We've gone aground.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57'We've ploughed into a sandbank.'
0:05:00 > 0:05:03It was either that or hit that boat, Dara.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07There's no-one on the boat. What's your problem? Do you know the people in the boat?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10No... Hit the boat.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14We've gone aground, but pull our centreboard up and I hope we'll come off. I hope...
0:05:14 > 0:05:19'Luckily, Undina was built with a raising keel, or centreboard
0:05:19 > 0:05:21'which, once wound up, should free us.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24'Unless we'd hit a really big sandbank.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27'As we had.'
0:05:28 > 0:05:30We're now completely static!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32You've actually stopped the boat!
0:05:32 > 0:05:36You can't teach that, some people just have that.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41- It's almost evolutionary, you just wanted to be...- On dry land.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42It's amazing.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Not too powerfully round. That's it, ease off now.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Take her into the wind...
0:05:50 > 0:05:54'With the keel up, and the tide rising, Griff calmed down and we were free.'
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Can you take her into the wind a bit more, Rory?
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Yeah, I'm trying. I'm trying.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Keep going.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Give yourself a bit more power until it turns.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07That's all the power we get.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- Hello!- Yeah, we're going. - We're moving.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Go into the deep water and stay in the light blue.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Stay deep! For once in your career, out of the shallows.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23'Captain Rory's boat handling skills continued on his own boat in Cornwall.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27'All he had to do was get us across Plymouth harbour. Safely...'
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Whoa! No!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Christ!
0:06:35 > 0:06:37THEY LAUGH
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Turn her round.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Turn her round... Hard...
0:06:45 > 0:06:47That's it. Hard to port.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Hard to port... No!
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Not so fast! No...
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- No, Rory...- What's he saying?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Not so fast.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06'Five minutes later, and Rory had the difficult task
0:07:06 > 0:07:09'of getting a six-foot vessel through a 50-foot wide lock.'
0:07:09 > 0:07:12This is very nerve-racking.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Difficult to see with Dara's bum in my face.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19It's not great when you're trying to get in a dark, narrow...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26We've stuck every single fender we have out, Rory. OK?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- Which side, just in case? - Both sides.- That's fantastic.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33It's quite difficult to navigate a boat...
0:07:33 > 0:07:35He's going in the other side.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38OK, you're going in that side?
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Rory, pull yourself round.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Whoa! Whoa! You're going to hit the side.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46CRUNCH!
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- OK, so far so good.- Are we?
0:07:49 > 0:07:53'But even an expert sailor, like Griff, has an off day.
0:07:53 > 0:07:59'In Scotland on the pilot cutter, Mascotte, he had a little run in with a lobster pot.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04'It takes years to learn how to sail her properly.' Pull harder.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07'But, luckily, we're just motoring out of the harbour.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12'And skipper, Richard, has left me in charge.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14'Nothing too difficult here.'
0:08:14 > 0:08:15That's good.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Take another gear, you've run over a buoy.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Yeah, we've...
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Griff ran into some sort of marine thing.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I think it's too early to blame Griff 100%.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- It's never too early to blame Griff. - OK, fair enough.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40It's caught around the prop.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Did you get the shot of Griff leaning over with his arse in the air?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46He ran over something.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51'That something is a lobster pot, attached to a buoy.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54'And, all of that, is now attached to our propeller.'
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Yeah, well this is just a standard day in a boat, to be honest.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02OK, if you can pull from here, please.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04If we let him go, we own the boat.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06That's the rules...
0:09:06 > 0:09:09If you can manage to pull slightly forward.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15'But there were times when even our expert handling couldn't have saved us.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18'Off the Scottish coast, lies a very dangerous body of water.'
0:09:22 > 0:09:24'This is the stretch of water,
0:09:24 > 0:09:28'described by the Royal Navy as the most violent and dangerous in the UK.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34'George Orwell, who wrote 1984, whilst staying on Jura
0:09:34 > 0:09:36'nearly drowned by rowing too close.'
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Is that it there?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45That's a whirlpool!
0:09:45 > 0:09:50- That's whirling around. It doesn't look as if it's going to suck us under, does it?- No, it doesn't.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55Do you know what, I don't think it's a whirlpool. I think he's just driving around in a circle.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I think we should drive around until it stops.
0:09:59 > 0:10:04'Perhaps the legendary Corryvreckan was having an off day.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05'It was quiet.'
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Look at this up ahead.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09'Too quiet!
0:10:09 > 0:10:13'Griff, I'm not sure that's the best thing to say near a dangerous sea anomaly.'
0:10:13 > 0:10:16The whirlpool is angry with us!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19We've insulted the whirlpool!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- ALL:- Argh!
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Ho! Ho! Ho!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Oh, land!
0:10:39 > 0:10:43That'll teach you to slag off the whirlpool!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- The Gods were angry. We were just saying...- So childish...
0:10:46 > 0:10:50- What kind of whirlpool is this? - Just because he didn't get a whirlpool, you had to drown us.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55'With not one, but two, gung-ho, real pot-bellied He-men aboard
0:10:55 > 0:10:59'it naturally falls to me to do everything.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03'One time was in Montenegro, aboard the sail training ship, Jadran.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08'The fundamental part of cadet training is climbing the 100-foot mast.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10'No... Really.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11'Thanks!'
0:11:11 > 0:11:16The others don't want to do this
0:11:16 > 0:11:18because they don't like heights.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22How is his technique, is that right?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25No, his technique is not right.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Your technique's not good, Griff.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Yeah...
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I wonder...
0:11:35 > 0:11:39..if you can hear the slight tremor...
0:11:41 > 0:11:45in...my...voice?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- Because... - HE LAUGHS
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Do you see the hard wood?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52OK, understood.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57This is called a lover's hole
0:11:57 > 0:12:01because on other boats they used to go outside
0:12:01 > 0:12:04and there was a little stretch of ratlines
0:12:04 > 0:12:08which goes outside and then you hang upside-down.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11This is quite easy by comparison
0:12:11 > 0:12:13with some boats.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23It's now... It's now blowing about 40 knots up here.
0:12:23 > 0:12:29I haven't got enough hair to blow in the wind to show you how blowy it is.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32We're setting off into the teeth of a howling gale.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44'And, as we head out of port, the weather doesn't get any better.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45'In fact, it gets a lot worse.'
0:12:45 > 0:12:48We're going down now. It's wet and I'm cold
0:12:48 > 0:12:50and I'm not wearing waterproof trousers.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52SAILOR SPEAKS MONTENEGRIN
0:12:52 > 0:12:55OK... Everybody's saying I've got to go down, so I'm going down.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Not before time!
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- Griff is still up there with him. - I bet he's frozen.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04He's actually appealed for waterproof trousers.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Griff could be frozen to the rigging.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10MUSIC: from Pirates Of The Caribbean
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Argh!
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Sorry!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Forgive me.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I'm just going as low as I can possibly go.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Ah, that feels secure, that feels safe now.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46That's good.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51That's where I want to be from now on. I'm not getting up from here.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Just sail on and I'll stay here.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59'In Ireland, on the way to Limerick we had to pass through Ardnacrusha,
0:13:59 > 0:14:04'the country's largest and rather imposing hydro-electric power station.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07'It's a 100-foot drop with a wall of water behind it.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12'If we'd been in a rented boat, we'd have to turn around at this point.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16'The power station drop is considered too dangerous for most vessels.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20'Quite why we're being allowed through, remains a mystery.'
0:14:20 > 0:14:24They may press the magic button.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I'm disappointed with the architecture.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- Did you want more horns and lights and wa, wa, wa?- Yeah.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37I wanted more Rococo decoration on the...
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Rococo decoration on the Ardnacrusha...
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- ALARM BEEPS - There's your horns and lights.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46'It supplied the electricity for 95% of the entire country.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49'Although, today, that figure is more like 5%.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51'At 100-foot it's Europe's deepest lock.'
0:14:51 > 0:14:55This is like descending into hell.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Or, as far as I can remember, it's a bit like this.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01It's going back a few years.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08Are we all getting the stench, the all-enveloping smell of stagnant water?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- What is alarming is what is behind you now, Dara?- Yeah.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I'm glad we didn't sit on that.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15No, I was talking about your career.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16THEY LAUGH
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- This is quite spooky, isn't it? - It's spooky, isn't it?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22It is very unnatural.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24It's like being in a concrete grave, isn't it?
0:15:24 > 0:15:28A concrete grave, geez, what a horrendous notion.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Apparently, they do have a traditional of asking women to get off the boat
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- because they get so freaked out by it.- Really?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- Is that a tiny bit sexist in this day and age?- A little bit.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43'The lock has two chambers.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45'The first is 60 foot...'
0:15:45 > 0:15:49It would be nice to be back in sunlight for a couple of minutes, at least.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51'And that's followed by another of 40 foot.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56'Essentially it's like a big, watery, mossy lift.'
0:15:56 > 0:16:02- MIMICS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: - Interesting plant life. Even here, 40 feet down,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05in what is essentially a cave,
0:16:05 > 0:16:08forms of fern find a way of living.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12'After nearly an hour in the dank, dripping gloom,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14'we finally rejoin the original River Shannon.'
0:16:14 > 0:16:17That's it.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20There it goes, look at that. Fantastic!
0:16:23 > 0:16:26'Where we're in a 100-foot deep lock
0:16:26 > 0:16:28'or a howling gale,
0:16:28 > 0:16:32'there's nothing I like better than a cup of tea.'
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- Hello... Hello and welcome to Cooking In A Force 9 Gale.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Today, I'd like, I'd like to show you how to make an infusion
0:16:42 > 0:16:45of tea leaf and boiling water.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48For this you'll need a kettle full of water...
0:16:55 > 0:16:58It's slightly more complicated than I thought!
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Now, while your water is coming to the boil,
0:17:02 > 0:17:06why not save a bit of time by taking...!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08By burning your elbow on the kettle.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Pour the boiling water onto the teabag...
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- NORMAL ACCENT:- ..and the result, a warm, comforting mug of Earl Grey...
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Earl Grey tea.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29'In Penzance, Cornwall, with bad weather preventing us from leaving harbour,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32'we found some entertainment.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35'In fact, we became the entertainment!'
0:17:35 > 0:17:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our very special co-production
0:17:42 > 0:17:45between the Penzance Amateur Operatic Society
0:17:45 > 0:17:47and the Three Men In A Boat.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Today we'll be performing segments of the Pirates Of Penzance.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52- AUDIENCE:- Oo-arrr!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Very good with the "oo-arrr". Congratulations.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59With the song that's about the most famous one in this musical,
0:17:59 > 0:18:01please, ladies and gentlemen, Griff Rhys Jones.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:12 > 0:18:16# I am the very model of a modern Major-General
0:18:16 > 0:18:19# I've information vegetable, animal and mineral
0:18:19 > 0:18:23# I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical
0:18:23 > 0:18:26# From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical... #
0:18:26 > 0:18:28The lad's doing well.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Going all right... Unfortunately.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33# ..Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century
0:18:33 > 0:18:38# But still in matters vegetable, animal and mineral
0:18:38 > 0:18:41# I am the very model of a modern Major-General
0:18:41 > 0:18:44# But still in matters vegetable, animal and mineral
0:18:44 > 0:18:48# He is the very model of a modern Major-General. #
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Thank you very much.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Ladies and gentlemen, carry on!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07# When a felon's not engaged in his employment
0:19:07 > 0:19:09# His employment... #
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Oh, I've just remembered something. Sorry. Hang on.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14LAUGHTER
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Sorry about this, one more time. One more time.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Wait till... Wait, wait, wait...
0:19:23 > 0:19:25LAUGHTER
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Otherwise, you'll know what will happen.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31You liked it before.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Don't tell everybody.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I like the way you're stood like this, going...
0:19:42 > 0:19:45# When the enterprising burglar's not a-burgling
0:19:45 > 0:19:48# Not a-burgling... #
0:19:50 > 0:19:51He's milking this.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59# When constabulary's duty's to be done
0:19:59 > 0:20:00# To be done
0:20:00 > 0:20:05# A policeman's lot is not a happy one
0:20:05 > 0:20:06# Happy one. #
0:20:06 > 0:20:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Thank you very much, indeed.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21'In Croatia, it was Dara's turn to get into character.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25'We've motored through the night to arrive at Korcula.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31'It's famous today, as the birthplace of Marco Polo -
0:20:31 > 0:20:36'although that's contested by the Venetians - and for its sword dance, the Moreska.'
0:20:39 > 0:20:45'Today they're practising under the watchful eye of master dancer, Tony.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51'The solid steel swords are designed to spark when struck hard
0:20:51 > 0:20:54'and produce the distinctive sound and rhythm of the dance.'
0:20:54 > 0:21:00'This, by the way, is an antecedent of Morris dancing.'
0:21:08 > 0:21:11'Swords, fighting... It'd be rude not to give it a go.'
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Thank you, thank you.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Who will fight me?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Oh, them. Yeah, them, probably. Are you marking this?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Yeah... I like the Arsenal strip.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Yeah.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33OK, orchestra!
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I'm trying to find a way out of this now.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Hurray!
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Come to the judges.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10To be honest...
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I was kind of toying with him a bit there.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17- AS LEN GOODMAN:- Dara, first of all, well done, son. When you come on the floor, I thought,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19"He's not going to be a Moreska dancer."
0:22:19 > 0:22:25But when you got into the dance, the brief there, you done a passable impression of a Moreska dance.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29You did a few stumbles, you weren't pointing your toes.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32But, you did a cracking good performance. Well done, sir.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Bruno...
0:22:35 > 0:22:36- AS BRUNO:- Well, I...
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I liked it, but he was all over the place.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42There was no passion from the Moreska.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45You have to dance the Moreska with passion and precision.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- It was just a mess. - He's a beginner, Bruno.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- I think he's done all right.- No. - He's a beginner!
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Give the boy a break. Anyway, let's score him.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- Seven!- I can only give you five.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Oh... Boo, boo.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Boo, boo.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Boo, boo.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05More!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09That's why I think of you and your marks.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12We didn't get marked when we were fighting the Moors,
0:23:12 > 0:23:16slashed the Turks, can't remember which. Didn't get marked back then!
0:23:17 > 0:23:20'With costumes like that, sometimes less is more.'
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Where do you stand on nudism?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- I don't. Have you ever been one?- No.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Come on, let's go! There's supposed to be dozens of them.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35- Up here is Europe's largest nudist colony called Koversada.- Yeah.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Apparently there's room for 15,000
0:23:39 > 0:23:43fat, rich, naked Germans with big bellies and tiny willies.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45So it says in the tourist guide.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48We're sitting, as it happens, on the old boat.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51There's nothing else around, it's our boat. And we're passing a tourist bit.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56What we can do is just sit here, completely naked. Right?
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Just the two of us and see what it feels like.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- Quite honestly...- Join us after this break.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Oh, my God!
0:24:09 > 0:24:12We've got some hungry seagulls looking for that chip.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14THEY LAUGH
0:24:14 > 0:24:18No, you see. We are mad, that's the trouble with us.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Repressed Englanders, we just associate nudity with sex.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24If you're a normal German or Austrian,
0:24:24 > 0:24:28or even a Czechoslovak or Croatian, you sit on the beach with no kit on
0:24:28 > 0:24:32and you think this is as nature intended me to be.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Pass me that fig leaf, would you?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38You don't need a fig leaf, you want a caper.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- Thank you.- That should do it.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42That should cover it.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Nut? No fear!
0:24:47 > 0:24:48HE LAUGHS
0:24:52 > 0:24:54BAGPIPES PLAY
0:24:56 > 0:25:01'At a Scottish Highland Games, Dara was challenging the hammer against a female champion.'
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- What are we going to have on this wager?- A fiver.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Fiver, fiver it is.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12It's as if he was born to this, he looks so authentic.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Not bad, Dara.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17That's really, really bad.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Short of practice, that's the first one.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- That was rubbish. That was really bad.- That was great.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Let the Games commence.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Hold a bit back, D, hold a bit back.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Good luck, Dara.
0:25:36 > 0:25:3820 quid, Dara.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44This is for Ireland.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00- Yes!- Very good.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Oh, now, that was good.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04It's all to play for.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Where does he get the strength in his wrists from?
0:26:08 > 0:26:12No, it doesn't get me any further. That's shattering. The last one wasn't good at all.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I've given her a window of opportunity. It's that tight.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Well, maybe...
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Ho, ho!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31'Dara has only thrown half the distance a professional could achieve
0:26:31 > 0:26:34'but nonetheless the final is too close to call
0:26:34 > 0:26:36'and the measure is out.'
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Dara, it's yours. You've won!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43There's my competitor.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50It's never been seen on television before - Griff handing over money.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52They've got this the wrong way round.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53I was...
0:26:53 > 0:26:55I was only taking bets on D.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01- There's your original stake... - Plus the 20.- The 20, OK.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03You see.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08'On the island of Vis, in Croatia, a cricket match. Three men, versus the Germans.
0:27:08 > 0:27:13'A strange place to play cricket but not as strange as the kit.'
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Oh, I'm not wearing that one!
0:27:15 > 0:27:19- Where does that come from? - This has had a lot of runs.
0:27:19 > 0:27:25- YORKSHIRE ACCENT:- It's had a lot of runs, that one. Aye, that box has seen some trouble, that box.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Forward to new victories.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Are you ready? This is the tradition here.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- Argh!- There you go. - It's come out the back.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Here we go.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Thank you.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40'So, here off the coast of Dalmatia,
0:27:40 > 0:27:44'where the ancient Greeks and Romans first left traces of their civilisation.
0:27:44 > 0:27:49'Where the galleys of Venice plied their trade, where the Ottoman Empire came knocking at the door,
0:27:49 > 0:27:53'where Serbs, Montenegrins, Bosnians and Croatians struggled for their identity,
0:27:53 > 0:27:59'the British have left a perfect way of wasting a sunny afternoon.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03'And Dara's first to bat.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06'Let's see what he can do against the German attack.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10'Oh, that's a good first ball.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12'He needs to find his line and length.'
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Just toying with them. Good.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18'And Dara just needs to find where the wicket is.'
0:28:19 > 0:28:21'It's not there.'
0:28:21 > 0:28:25- Don't let them suck you in, Dara, you know what they're doing. - Yeah, I can see what he's doing.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29'Ooh! Bugger me.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32'And a little cheeky hook goes for the four.'
0:28:32 > 0:28:37'He's got his eye and this one goes sky high
0:28:37 > 0:28:41'over the boundary for a six. Who'd have thought it?'
0:28:44 > 0:28:47We're going nowhere, Dara, today.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Get some sandwiches, folks, we're bedding in.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53'The bowler changes ends and McGrath faces his first ball.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55'And, his second...
0:28:55 > 0:28:56'his third...
0:28:56 > 0:28:58'and his fourth.'
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Lunch?
0:29:02 > 0:29:06'Well, no score there but the first ball does the damage!'
0:29:06 > 0:29:08'Out for ten.'
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Lovely!
0:29:10 > 0:29:14'So Rhys Jones at the crease to face his first ball.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16'Look at the authority!
0:29:16 > 0:29:18'Show 'em who's boss.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21'Down to McGrath, he makes contact!
0:29:21 > 0:29:24'Oh, the Germans have caught him! Wunderbar!
0:29:24 > 0:29:27'Das war wunderbar. McGrath ist kaput!'
0:29:29 > 0:29:34'But Rhys Jones is making a stand, he's putting runs on the board.'
0:29:35 > 0:29:39'How long can he last in the midday sun?
0:29:39 > 0:29:41'That's how long! He's out, he's out.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43'He's gone. One of the great innings is over.'
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Thank you.
0:29:46 > 0:29:50'Meanwhile, Rory displays a liking for sport of a different kind.'
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Excuse me, my friend was wondering whether your boat
0:29:53 > 0:29:58was named after the Italian referee, Pierre Luigi Collina? No?
0:29:58 > 0:30:01I didn't know it was called, Pierre Luigi Collina.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Oh, you didn't buy it off a strange looking bald Italian, with bulging eyes? No.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07It's always embarrassing to listen to Rory
0:30:07 > 0:30:13with his red face and huge pot belly chatting up girls along the way.
0:30:13 > 0:30:18Well, I mean, it's an embarrassment for the girls, amusing for the rest of us!
0:30:18 > 0:30:23'Well, in my experience it's much more fun on a boat with some female crew.'
0:30:23 > 0:30:27We actually would love to have some expert crew on board,
0:30:27 > 0:30:29especially if they're pretty girls.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32- Would you be up for joining us? - Yeah, that's OK.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34The bad news is, you have to share a berth with me.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38How big's the berth?
0:30:38 > 0:30:42- Well, we'd have to lie on top of each other, obviously.- OK.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44And Dara's in it as well. Did I tell you that?
0:30:44 > 0:30:47- It'll be cosy.- It'll be very cosy.
0:30:47 > 0:30:51- Sounds a lot of fun.- We can give him a fiver and send him to the cinema.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53'Time to get comfy.'
0:30:53 > 0:30:57- Look at this, this is fabulous. Can you believe this bed? - Come and have a sit?
0:30:57 > 0:31:01I hope no animals died making this acrylic fur.
0:31:01 > 0:31:05- Have a lie down.- I will. Can you get a good night's sleep on here?- Pretty good.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08Let's try it. It is comfy. Lie next to me.
0:31:08 > 0:31:12Oh, look, there's a door as well. Let's just...
0:31:12 > 0:31:14KISSING AND LAUGHTER
0:31:14 > 0:31:17'At a Croatian boat show, what's the best way to get a boat?
0:31:17 > 0:31:19'Get the PR girl.'
0:31:19 > 0:31:21I'm looking for... Ah...
0:31:21 > 0:31:24- Excuse me?- Yes. - You are the organiser?- Yes.
0:31:24 > 0:31:29- Ah.- Nice to meet you. - I'm with the BBC.- Ah-ha.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32I was wondering if somebody could show me around the show.
0:31:32 > 0:31:33Around the fair? Of course, why not.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39So we need a boat to take us...
0:31:39 > 0:31:44- Do you think I'd be able to find a boat here that would take me to Venice?- Of course.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48- I've got ten Kuna on me. - You have ten Kuna?- Yes.
0:31:48 > 0:31:49- Enough.- Are you sure?
0:31:49 > 0:31:52- OK.- We'll find something for you. - You can do the haggling.
0:31:55 > 0:32:00'The lovely Dea has a contact she thinks could help me.'
0:32:00 > 0:32:04SPEAKS IN NATIVE LANGUAGE
0:32:04 > 0:32:06"Is this boat going to Venice?" she's saying.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09She might be ordering a pizza for all I know.
0:32:11 > 0:32:15'That's thin crust, extra pepperoni, no anchovies.'
0:32:16 > 0:32:20You're very good at this, have you been on television?
0:32:20 > 0:32:22- Maybe on a set...- You should be on television.
0:32:22 > 0:32:26You'd be good, you could read the news. You could present a quiz show.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39'Rory seems to believe that the best way to a woman's heart
0:32:39 > 0:32:40'is through his stomach.'
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Bacon?
0:32:49 > 0:32:51- It wasn't a bad night's repose, really.- No.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57- That's probably enough bacon for one. - I'm thinking of Rory, who eats a lot of bacon.- Does he?
0:32:57 > 0:33:01- Is he not up yet? - No, he's in the tent, I think.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03Argh! Argh!
0:33:03 > 0:33:05- Did you burn yourself?- No.
0:33:05 > 0:33:09No, but... Argh! Just a second...
0:33:09 > 0:33:10We need, erm...
0:33:11 > 0:33:14It's not burning, it's charcoal blackened bacon.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17- Cajun bacon?- It is, yeah.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20I'm just going to put the Cajun bacon on there.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Lovely, look at that.
0:33:22 > 0:33:23That's not bad at all.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25TENT UNZIPPING
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Good morning, Rory, how are you?
0:33:31 > 0:33:36We can't do this any more, we can't have another night, I've had a terrible night's sleep.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38- Did you want some eggs?- No.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42There was something flying around the tent keeping me awake. I think it was a swan.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44DARA LAUGHS
0:33:44 > 0:33:45- Erm...- What?
0:33:45 > 0:33:49- You're now rubbing the bacon things off into...- Yeah.
0:33:49 > 0:33:53- What exactly?- I'm making blackened eggs with bacon scrapings.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57Christ, it's my signature dish.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59- I'm OK.- Badly cooked breakfast.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02- I'm really... I'm OK. - You haven't tasted it yet, honestly.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05It's perfectly delicious, it just looks nasty.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10- What's this?- It's Cajun eggs.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13Good girl, Lol, you've used your shit.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17- What is that?- It's scrambled egg.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37'Some of us will go the extra mile to make sure the ingredients are fresh.'
0:34:37 > 0:34:41- Wow!- Dara O'Briain... Look at this.
0:34:41 > 0:34:47Scallops in their own shells with bacon and black pudding.
0:34:47 > 0:34:52Even better than that, I think the term is hand-dived scallops.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55I've dived these myself. These are the ones I went down for.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58- Let's see, shall we?- Do, please. - The taste test.
0:34:58 > 0:35:02If I've ruined them in the way I've cooked them, I'd be really...
0:35:02 > 0:35:04- Mmm.- Mmm. Mmm.
0:35:05 > 0:35:09- That's a plateful of flavour.- Nicely seasoned.- Thank you very much.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13- I like those.- The presentation is beautiful.- They're cooked very beautifully.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15- In their own shell.- Mmm.
0:35:15 > 0:35:19The physical I had to do in order to get health and safety clearance to do the dive,
0:35:19 > 0:35:22took an hour and a half.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25I am now cleared to dive on an oil rig.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Was there any health and safety involved going to the distillery?
0:35:28 > 0:35:32- No.- They didn't take your blood pressure, check whether you could drink it?
0:35:32 > 0:35:35No hard hats, no steel toecaps...
0:35:35 > 0:35:38- Did you have to wear any luminous gear?- Only my face.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44'Rory's face got even redder when Griff cooked crayfish from the Thames.'
0:35:44 > 0:35:49- Griff, we're going to be on an Environment Agency poster.- Ah!
0:35:49 > 0:35:52- All of us dead by the riverbank. - You've burned yourself!
0:35:52 > 0:35:53Griff...
0:35:53 > 0:35:57We're going to end up on an Environment Agency poster...
0:35:57 > 0:36:00- Do you...- For- BLEEP- sake!
0:36:00 > 0:36:03- That's the first thing I've - BLEEP- said all week. Shut up!
0:36:03 > 0:36:08- First thing(?)- You haven't shut-up all week!- Just a minute... The first?!- Shut up, Griff!
0:36:08 > 0:36:10- I'm fed up of your- BLEEP- voice!
0:36:10 > 0:36:11We've nearly wrapped.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16We're going to be on an Environment Agency poster, Griff.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Three of us dead after eating crayfish out of the Thames.
0:36:18 > 0:36:23It's a great line. I'm glad you could deliver it four times.
0:36:23 > 0:36:27- I'll do it again with pauses, for the interruptions. - The first thing he said...
0:36:27 > 0:36:32I like that, you've been mute. It's a miracle! Helen Keller, the rower, has finally spoken!
0:36:34 > 0:36:37You can tell Griff doesn't drink, can't you?
0:36:37 > 0:36:39It's done! It's finished.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44Griff, I'll be the first.
0:36:44 > 0:36:45DARA LAUGHS
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Yeah... Yummy! Yum, yum, yum!
0:36:55 > 0:36:57Euch, give me some of that brandy.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07- Oh, Griff.- No, I'm just trying to protect myself.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10- It's like being out with you at university.- Anybody that might be
0:37:10 > 0:37:13tempted to follow my recipe.
0:37:13 > 0:37:17Cook the crayfish until they're properly cooked.
0:37:17 > 0:37:21Reduce the sauce until it's properly reduced.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25- Don't throw the purges out of the crayfish in...- Into the sauce!
0:37:25 > 0:37:29Into your sauce. Otherwise, it's a little bit self-defeating.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31And, enjoy!
0:37:37 > 0:37:40'And now, to more harmonious times.'
0:37:41 > 0:37:46THEY MIMIC DRUMS AND BAGPIPES PLAYING: "Scotland the Brave"
0:37:59 > 0:38:03'Occasionally we did try to aim a little higher, musically.'
0:38:03 > 0:38:09BANJO PLAYS: "Sirtaki" from Zorba the Greek
0:38:09 > 0:38:11We'll write a song, OK?
0:38:11 > 0:38:13# Here I am on a rowing skiff
0:38:13 > 0:38:18# With Irish Dara, Welshman Griff
0:38:18 > 0:38:23- # And Rory... #- No, that was...
0:38:23 > 0:38:24# Here I am on a rowing skiff
0:38:24 > 0:38:28# With Irish Dara, English Griff And our little dog, Lol... #
0:38:30 > 0:38:34It's an accumulation song.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37- Shall I do...?- It'll give us time to think what they could be.
0:38:37 > 0:38:41So, here I am on a rowing skiff with Irish Dara and Welshman Griff.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44We've got a fireplace to make the dog scared stiff.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46And Rory!
0:38:46 > 0:38:51And now the English entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, it's the Three Men In A Boat.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54- ALL:- # We're doing a trip with Jerome K Jerome
0:38:54 > 0:38:57# It's going to take us far from home
0:38:57 > 0:39:02# That won't stop us complaining and moaning about Rory. #
0:39:10 > 0:39:11Thank you!
0:39:11 > 0:39:13'Time to get the professionals in.'
0:39:13 > 0:39:18CROATIAN FOLK SONG
0:39:21 > 0:39:26'In Croatia, some onboard entertainment in the form of local folk singers.'
0:39:38 > 0:39:39Bravo!
0:39:39 > 0:39:43Beautiful... Can we offer you a glass of wine?
0:39:43 > 0:39:46You sing another song and I'll get some glasses.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48I'll get some glasses.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10# We all live in a yellow submarine
0:40:10 > 0:40:12# A yellow submarine
0:40:12 > 0:40:14# A yellow submarine
0:40:14 > 0:40:17# And the band begins to play
0:40:17 > 0:40:23Band... Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba...
0:40:23 > 0:40:26# We all live in a yellow... #
0:40:26 > 0:40:29'What we lack in vocal skills, we make up for in practicality.'
0:40:30 > 0:40:33That is the tent bit, I think.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35I recognise that. I think this is a porch for entry.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44Hm, hm... Argh!
0:40:51 > 0:40:55It's like the Chinese carnival, it's the dragon parade.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01What's that there, that poley bit of thing?
0:41:01 > 0:41:03I've never camped!
0:41:03 > 0:41:07- A few drawings wouldn't go amiss. - We had a huge intention that this wouldn't turn
0:41:07 > 0:41:10into comedians who can't put up a tent.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21I've just put the tent on, upside-down.
0:41:21 > 0:41:26Which is a complete and utter pain in the arse, because the whole thing has to come off and be turned round.
0:41:26 > 0:41:31I don't even know how important that is because it's just whether you tie it up a bit.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33That's the fly-sheet... What the hell's that?
0:41:33 > 0:41:39What I can't help noticing is that the director is helping Rory put his tent up.
0:41:39 > 0:41:43- Are we doing it wrong? - I don't want to be here all night. - I've never camped!
0:41:46 > 0:41:49'In Ireland, Griff's epic battle to get a barge engine started
0:41:49 > 0:41:52'was almost as historic as the barge itself.'
0:41:52 > 0:41:54How is it going, Griff?
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Have you started the engine yet?
0:41:56 > 0:42:00No! It's just heating up.
0:42:00 > 0:42:05Nothing about this, Griff, inspires me with any confidence whatsoever.
0:42:05 > 0:42:10- A very old, rusty machine.- Yeah. - A gas torch aimed at it.
0:42:10 > 0:42:15- I've got my hand on a fuel valve. - Yeah.- And you're playing with that wheel.- Yeah.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20This could be the last Three Men, ever.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22A one...a two.
0:42:22 > 0:42:23A one, two,
0:42:23 > 0:42:26three, four,
0:42:26 > 0:42:28five...
0:42:28 > 0:42:34GRIFF GRUNTS
0:42:38 > 0:42:40I can't get it going.
0:42:40 > 0:42:45'At least the barge had entertainment in the form of Griff losing his temper.'
0:42:53 > 0:42:55ENGINE STARTS
0:42:59 > 0:43:01ENGINE STOPS
0:43:05 > 0:43:06GRIFF SIGHS
0:43:29 > 0:43:33That...is enough...of that.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39'I'm a man of more sophisticated tastes.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42'THIS is more my style.'
0:43:51 > 0:43:52Whoo!
0:43:55 > 0:43:57I've driven bigger, by the way.
0:43:57 > 0:43:59HE LAUGHS
0:44:08 > 0:44:09We're turning.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11And, I haven't hit anything yet.
0:44:11 > 0:44:14But, you know, it's early days.
0:44:17 > 0:44:20'Now all I have to do is persuade Griff to buy one.'
0:44:20 > 0:44:24- Hello...- Dara, this Mike. - Mike, how are you?
0:44:24 > 0:44:27My wife and I are interested in buying a boat.
0:44:27 > 0:44:30- I wonder if you could show us any of your boats.- Absolutely!
0:44:32 > 0:44:36'First on Mike, the boat agent's list, was a French built Beneteau.
0:44:39 > 0:44:45'Eau, meaning water and benet, a large, plastic shower cabinet with a metal stick attached.'
0:44:46 > 0:44:48OK, this is nice.
0:44:48 > 0:44:50Plenty of space, isn't it?
0:44:50 > 0:44:53Yeah, in comparison, we could do laps of this.
0:44:53 > 0:44:56- You could hold a dance on your aft deck, can't you?- Yeah.
0:44:57 > 0:45:00This is nicer than Griff's, it's clean and bright,
0:45:00 > 0:45:03and airy and spacious.
0:45:03 > 0:45:05Why aren't we on this boat?
0:45:05 > 0:45:08Why didn't Griff buy this boat?
0:45:08 > 0:45:10His fetish for old things.
0:45:10 > 0:45:12Look at this, this is fantastic!
0:45:14 > 0:45:16There's a drinks cabinet.
0:45:16 > 0:45:19This is so much nicer than your boat.
0:45:19 > 0:45:22Your boat doesn't do this!
0:45:22 > 0:45:26I know, it's all thought out, it's what production does for you.
0:45:26 > 0:45:31It's not... Dara, is it NOT nicer than my boat.
0:45:31 > 0:45:35You just think it is. Anyway, coming up here, look here.
0:45:35 > 0:45:38- You see...- A walk-through kitchen. - Look at this!
0:45:38 > 0:45:43- You see, my God!- Lovely fridge. Look at that!
0:45:43 > 0:45:46Look at that!
0:45:46 > 0:45:49That's magic! Oh! Oh!
0:45:49 > 0:45:52There's a proper bathroom!
0:45:52 > 0:45:54- With a shower! - I can't believe it, can you?
0:45:54 > 0:45:57I can roll from side to side.
0:45:57 > 0:46:02Oh, I'm tired of sleeping on my left, I'll try sleeping on my other side.
0:46:02 > 0:46:05That's nice. Oh, hello, back over here again.
0:46:05 > 0:46:07I can sleep diagonally!
0:46:07 > 0:46:12I can sleep like Superman! It's great.
0:46:12 > 0:46:16- I should never have brought... - Star jumps in bed in the middle of the night!
0:46:16 > 0:46:20- I can't do that in your boat. - I should never have brought you aboard this.
0:46:21 > 0:46:26In Montenegro, we got a glimpse of the lifestyles of the rich and dictatorial.
0:46:26 > 0:46:31Jadranka was the personal yacht of Tito, President of Yugoslavia.
0:46:31 > 0:46:35Look, people with serious uniforms on this boat.
0:46:35 > 0:46:37THEY GREET IN MONTENEGRIN
0:46:37 > 0:46:41Rory, go ahead, because you speak the language and do the introductions, please.
0:46:41 > 0:46:45- Commandant.- Welcome aboard. My name is Goran.
0:46:45 > 0:46:47- Goran?- Goran.
0:46:48 > 0:46:52'Comrade Tito had a yacht built 40 years ago for the entertainment
0:46:52 > 0:46:55'of foreign dignitaries to show off his socialist utopia.
0:46:55 > 0:46:59'Nowadays, they use it to show off the new Montenegro.
0:46:59 > 0:47:04'Say what you like about the strict socialist, ex-partisan womaniser
0:47:04 > 0:47:07'and leader of the non-aligned nations of the world,
0:47:07 > 0:47:09'Tito certainly knew how to spend it.'
0:47:12 > 0:47:18- Go and look around and see if we can find any hints of Tito still on the boat.- Like Sophia Loren?
0:47:28 > 0:47:32- Hello, Captain, how are you? - Fine, you?- I'm very well, this is our first boat.
0:47:32 > 0:47:35- How are you feeling? - I haven't got this back yet.
0:47:35 > 0:47:39- You don't have a problem with sea sick?- No, I don't get sea sick.
0:47:39 > 0:47:43Who's been here from our part of the world. Who's been here from Britain?
0:47:43 > 0:47:46- Prince Andrew was here. - And, who else?
0:47:46 > 0:47:50- Gaddafi.- Gaddafi? Very topical at the moment.
0:47:50 > 0:47:52Very hot right now, Gaddafi.
0:47:52 > 0:47:55- Who else?- Haile Selassie.
0:47:55 > 0:47:56- Really?- Yeah.
0:47:56 > 0:47:58Elizabeth Taylor.
0:47:58 > 0:48:03Hang on, what is Elizabeth Taylor's military or governmental role?
0:48:03 > 0:48:06- I believe that Tito loves... - Beautiful ladies.- Yes.
0:48:06 > 0:48:09He did love the beautiful ladies, didn't he?
0:48:09 > 0:48:15And where would President Tito make love to all those famous actresses like Sophia Loren?
0:48:15 > 0:48:17It would be here in the lounge.
0:48:17 > 0:48:23If you're a Communist leader what you want most of is, let's face it, fridges.
0:48:23 > 0:48:25Look at this.
0:48:25 > 0:48:27And these peculiar...
0:48:27 > 0:48:29They're shot glasses.
0:48:29 > 0:48:32Everywhere you go on this boat, there are shot glasses.
0:48:34 > 0:48:37Shot glasses... You imagine how much raki you can get in those.
0:48:39 > 0:48:42Shot glasses, everywhere you look on this boat.
0:48:44 > 0:48:48This drawer is actually a shot glass in itself.
0:48:48 > 0:48:52You pour the brandy into that and put your head in here, like this.
0:48:57 > 0:49:03'Back to reality, and one way or another we always end up in a boat race.'
0:49:04 > 0:49:08I can't believe this. We row innocently into the middle of Wallingford Regatta.
0:49:08 > 0:49:12We get off the boat we're rowing, averagely as we do, me and Dara.
0:49:12 > 0:49:17We get off and some bloke says, "Good rowing, boys. Nice timing, in sync, superb, very smooth,
0:49:17 > 0:49:20"better than some of our crews."
0:49:20 > 0:49:24I think, "That's fantastic. We can now go to our graves thinking we once rowed very well."
0:49:24 > 0:49:28Dara says, "Great, we'll enter the race, we'll beat you. Come on."
0:49:28 > 0:49:32The fighting Irish takes over and he's got us into a race at three o'clock.
0:49:32 > 0:49:36Racing I don't know... I hope it's the Wallingford, one-armed, elderly women's society.
0:49:36 > 0:49:40So, you know, there's money on it, as well. I've just been shouting my mouth off.
0:49:40 > 0:49:43We're racing a team they're putting up against us.
0:49:43 > 0:49:46I thought we were lucky to have just managed to row there.
0:49:46 > 0:49:49We got under the bridge and, "Thank God we got away from that."
0:49:49 > 0:49:53But, no, no, no, no, let's come back and really humiliate ourselves.
0:49:53 > 0:49:57- TANNOY:- This is novice ladies, select four.
0:49:57 > 0:49:59Have a good one, 59.
0:49:59 > 0:50:02Good luck, 59.
0:50:02 > 0:50:03Don't pretend you can't see us.
0:50:03 > 0:50:06- TANNOY:- OK, both teams ready?
0:50:06 > 0:50:08Attention...
0:50:08 > 0:50:10Go!
0:50:14 > 0:50:18Together! Follow Rory.
0:50:18 > 0:50:19That's it, we're going well.
0:50:19 > 0:50:21Keep that pace!
0:50:21 > 0:50:22Back and row.
0:50:22 > 0:50:24- And row!- Shit!
0:50:24 > 0:50:25And in!
0:50:25 > 0:50:27In!
0:50:27 > 0:50:28In!
0:50:28 > 0:50:30In!
0:50:30 > 0:50:34In! Row together...
0:50:34 > 0:50:35Backs into it!
0:50:35 > 0:50:38Put your backs into it and row like crazy.
0:50:38 > 0:50:43In! Let's have it forward. In! Come on!
0:50:43 > 0:50:46Row it hard! Follow through!
0:50:46 > 0:50:47Pull!
0:50:50 > 0:50:51They've beaten you, mate.
0:50:51 > 0:50:54Yeah, we noticed that.
0:50:54 > 0:50:55Thanks very much(!)
0:50:57 > 0:51:00Hurray!
0:51:00 > 0:51:01Three cheers for the ladies!
0:51:01 > 0:51:03- Hip hip...- ALL:- Hurray!
0:51:03 > 0:51:05- Hip hip...- ALL:- Hurray!
0:51:05 > 0:51:07- Hip hip...- ALL:- Hurray!
0:51:07 > 0:51:10We can't even get the cheering in time.
0:51:10 > 0:51:13Not a bead of sweat on the four of you.
0:51:13 > 0:51:14LAUGHTER
0:51:14 > 0:51:17I think next time we need to change our cox.
0:51:17 > 0:51:21I don't want to blame the manager, but after such a humiliating defeat,
0:51:21 > 0:51:24it's customary to sack the manager.
0:51:24 > 0:51:27'In Venice, for a gondola race up the Grand Canal,
0:51:27 > 0:51:30'Dara and I did indeed ditch Griff in an attempt to win
0:51:30 > 0:51:33'and left him rowing with the ladies.
0:51:33 > 0:51:38'The course is simple, right down the straightest bit of the Grand Canal
0:51:38 > 0:51:41'and under the Rialto Bridge to finish.'
0:51:46 > 0:51:50'Since we're novices, it's going to be a rolling start.
0:51:50 > 0:51:53'When both boats are neck and neck, we're off.'
0:51:53 > 0:51:55Avanti...
0:51:55 > 0:51:57Uno, due, tre!
0:51:57 > 0:51:58Avanti! Go, go, go!
0:52:00 > 0:52:02- Come on!- Come on!
0:52:02 > 0:52:07- It's a long...- Hey, Giuseppe, due. Uno, due.
0:52:07 > 0:52:11'While Griff's boat gets into a rhythm, our boat gets into an argument.'
0:52:11 > 0:52:14- They're all over the place. - They are not fast enough.
0:52:14 > 0:52:16- They're not fast enough to keep up with us?- No.
0:52:16 > 0:52:19I'm not hearing any uno, due, Rory.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22Uno, due... You start, then.
0:52:22 > 0:52:25Avanti! Avanti!
0:52:25 > 0:52:28We are miles behind. We're not within spitting distance.
0:52:28 > 0:52:31- We're second, Dara, don't lose the inner game.- You're right.
0:52:31 > 0:52:33We'll still qualify for next year's event.
0:52:33 > 0:52:38'Rory and Dara have now mastered the technique or air rowing
0:52:38 > 0:52:42'which doesn't involve getting the oars wet.'
0:52:43 > 0:52:47- Un...- Uno, due...- Why do you have to make that noise, Rory?
0:52:47 > 0:52:50I'm cutting out the uno, I'm just doing the "un".
0:52:50 > 0:52:53I've spent every uno looking forward to due.
0:52:53 > 0:52:55Uno, due...
0:52:55 > 0:52:57Uno, due...
0:53:03 > 0:53:06'Griff's boat have found their rhythm.
0:53:06 > 0:53:10'There's less internal debate going on and the Rialto Bridge looms overhead.
0:53:11 > 0:53:17'Rightfully and easily, they win and take the acclaim of the tourists looking on.'
0:53:17 > 0:53:18Hurray!
0:53:18 > 0:53:20Hurray!
0:53:22 > 0:53:25- OK?- Better than "OK" I think.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28- Bellissima!- Bellissimo.
0:53:28 > 0:53:30Bellissimo. Si!
0:53:32 > 0:53:35'Griff won that one, but when the three men come together
0:53:35 > 0:53:37'we're a force to be reckoned with on the waves.
0:53:37 > 0:53:39'It's all in the preparation.'
0:53:40 > 0:53:43- Shall we practise tacking? - Practise tacking.
0:53:43 > 0:53:45- Are you releasing?- I'm releasing.
0:53:45 > 0:53:48- And I'm looking into the wind... - And release.- I've released.
0:53:48 > 0:53:51I've released. I've released.
0:53:52 > 0:53:54- Good tack.- Excellent tack.
0:53:56 > 0:54:00- We look like a theatre group from 1970.- Not a very good theatre group.
0:54:00 > 0:54:03And more of a physical thing... Oh, I'm trapped in the box.
0:54:03 > 0:54:06Oh, let's do our tacking mime again.
0:54:07 > 0:54:09We cracked that one.
0:54:13 > 0:54:16Four, three, two, one...
0:54:16 > 0:54:18HOOTER BLARES
0:54:20 > 0:54:23'We're off and we all pull together.
0:54:23 > 0:54:27'As talk turns to action, it appears that Rory and Dara do want to win as much as me
0:54:27 > 0:54:30'but perhaps not as dementedly.'
0:54:30 > 0:54:34Set the cursor to the position timer. Ease off, ease off, ease off!
0:54:34 > 0:54:36Ease a bit, ease a bit, ease a bit, ease a bit.
0:54:36 > 0:54:39Ease that main, ease that main, ease that main.
0:54:39 > 0:54:42Ease it, please. Ease it, please.
0:54:42 > 0:54:44- Are you ready back there? - Are you ready?
0:54:44 > 0:54:46Yes, please. Hoist the spinnaker!
0:54:51 > 0:54:53'Our secret weapon was out, the spinnaker!'
0:54:53 > 0:54:57Furl, furl, furl, furl that main.
0:54:57 > 0:54:59It's a big sail.
0:54:59 > 0:55:02'This is a winning streak.
0:55:02 > 0:55:06'It's massive, it's dangerous and it needs utter concentration.'
0:55:06 > 0:55:09Oh, my sheet. What is it? OK.
0:55:09 > 0:55:13- THUD - Oh, Christ!
0:55:13 > 0:55:17- What's happened?- I don't know. The uphaul has come off.
0:55:17 > 0:55:19The uphaul has come off?
0:55:19 > 0:55:21Darling, it's over there.
0:55:25 > 0:55:26What happened then?
0:55:26 > 0:55:29Something happened, the pole went in the sea.
0:55:30 > 0:55:32Which, I don't think is a good thing.
0:55:36 > 0:55:39This is just utterly infuriating.
0:55:39 > 0:55:42'Sometimes old boat bits just give up the ghost.'
0:55:42 > 0:55:43Why not? It's gone up the mast.
0:55:43 > 0:55:46'It looks like Griff's had enough, too.'
0:55:46 > 0:55:49'Onward and upwards, time to get the gennaker out.
0:55:49 > 0:55:52'We're still behind.'
0:55:52 > 0:55:55We can use our gennaker and we'll overhaul them on the next tack.
0:55:55 > 0:55:58- If we can get that gennaker ready. - That should do the trick.
0:56:01 > 0:56:04Stand by... Yeah. Don't haul it any further!
0:56:04 > 0:56:07'No! We can only use it after we've turned the next buoy.'
0:56:07 > 0:56:10And, now haul, please.
0:56:12 > 0:56:16'Fortunately this is a sail we've actually practised with.'
0:56:16 > 0:56:19Are we ready for the gennaker? Stand by to furl that. That's it.
0:56:19 > 0:56:23It's working, it's working. Furl that jib, furl that jib.
0:56:23 > 0:56:25Furl that jib.
0:56:30 > 0:56:31She's gaining on us!
0:56:34 > 0:56:36We can still win this race.
0:56:36 > 0:56:39'Josephine turns the final buoy.'
0:56:39 > 0:56:41Get that mainsail in. Get it in!
0:56:41 > 0:56:45'The wind picks up which helps us some more.'
0:56:45 > 0:56:48Let's chase this boat. We can do it.
0:56:59 > 0:57:02HOOTER BLARES
0:57:02 > 0:57:05- ALL:- Hurray!
0:57:10 > 0:57:13'You know, I've never won a race on this show.
0:57:13 > 0:57:15'Luckily, I've other memories.'
0:57:22 > 0:57:24- Am I eating this?- No.
0:57:26 > 0:57:28That's incredible!
0:57:28 > 0:57:33You look like you're a children's television presenter. Let's go to Rory for a song.
0:57:33 > 0:57:35Hi, kids.
0:57:35 > 0:57:37That's the native look.
0:57:37 > 0:57:40We don't want to go there.
0:57:40 > 0:57:43UTTERS THEATRICALLY
0:57:43 > 0:57:44- Boo!- Boo!
0:57:44 > 0:57:49- Is it open mic night? - Yeah, it is.- Next!
0:58:12 > 0:58:14Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd