0:00:02 > 0:00:04'So far on our Balkan journey...'
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Griff is still up there. Griff is still up there.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09'We've nearly lost Griff to hyperthermia.'
0:00:09 > 0:00:10I'm not getting up from here!
0:00:10 > 0:00:13'We've nearly lost Rory to a drunken stupor.'
0:00:13 > 0:00:16You put your head in here like this.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19'And nearly lost Dara in a sword fight.'
0:00:19 > 0:00:22- Seven!- I can only give you five.
0:00:22 > 0:00:23Oh!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26'But as our journey continues, clothes are shed.'
0:00:26 > 0:00:29- Nut?- No fear.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31'Reputations are lost.'
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Who are ya? Who are ya?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36'And gondolas scatter...'
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Apparently there's something serious happening here.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- '..As the three men fly...- blow...'
0:00:42 > 0:00:44- It's looking wonderful. - I can't bear to watch.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46'..and dive their way to Venice
0:00:46 > 0:00:51'for a rowing race on one of the busiest waterways in the world -
0:00:51 > 0:00:53'the Grand Canal.'
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Come on, Rory. Come on.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07Having left the island if Vis, we are back on board the Magellan
0:01:07 > 0:01:13travelling north, threading our way through some of Croatia's 1,200 islands
0:01:13 > 0:01:15and we have an escort.
0:01:15 > 0:01:20Oh, they're just playing underneath us here. That's incredible.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22The speed!
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Unfortunately, the Magellan could only take us as far as the city
0:01:28 > 0:01:32of Split and from there we need to find another boat.
0:01:32 > 0:01:38'Lucky then that Split's annual boat show happens to be on this weekend.'
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I'm not looking forward to it at all to be honest,
0:01:40 > 0:01:44because boat shows tend to be lots of free champagne
0:01:44 > 0:01:49and stunning bikini clad girls draped over boats and things,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51but I'll force one down.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58We have to blag a boat to Venice, so what we have to do is, genuinely, we have to see...
0:01:58 > 0:02:02It's a bad time of year for ferries and, you know, driving across
0:02:02 > 0:02:05takes two days and it's going to be an awkward transit
0:02:05 > 0:02:08unless we can get some sort of yacht there
0:02:08 > 0:02:12that would like to have us for the charm of us, and would bring us
0:02:12 > 0:02:15across the Adriatic to Venice to finish the whole thing off.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17So we're on blag alert.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25Split is the largest city in Dalmatia and for the past 13 years,
0:02:25 > 0:02:31boat enthusiasts from across Europe have flocked here to salivate over the latest luxury yachts.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Many of these enthusiasts are Italian. We're banking on
0:02:36 > 0:02:43there being someone travelling back to Venice in the next few days with room for an extra three.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45And a camera crew of course.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Being here out of season means there are no direct ferries or flights,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51so it's crucial we make some contacts.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53RORY GREETS IN CROATIAN
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- Kako si?- Super.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Super? That's an English word.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- No, Croatian.- Is that Croatian?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Do you speak English? - In English and in Croatian.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- That's good. You speak English. - Yes.- Yes.- Very good.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Do you think the first thing to do is to select the boat that we think we might...
0:03:10 > 0:03:13We'd better not just go for the first one we see.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17We're going to have to go to all of them and be told no by all them.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I don't know if I can go through with it.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I'm just not made to beg for a lift.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Are you going to Venice in the next...
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- No.- OK. No problem at all. We'll move on.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33There's no chance you're going to Venice in the next few days?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- Yeah, yeah, yeah.- When do you go to Venice?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I go...two years ago, I go to Venice for a carnival.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41But you're not going to Venice in the next few days?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- Ah, no.- No.- No. No, no, no.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51'Meanwhile, I have better tactics for securing a vessel.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54'Secure a PR girl to get one for me.'
0:03:54 > 0:03:58I'm looking for a... Ah! Excuse me, you're an organiser?
0:03:58 > 0:04:02- Yes.- I'm Rory with the BBC. - Very nice to meet you.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05I was wondering if someone could show me around the show.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Around the fair. Of course, why not.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15So we need a boat to take us. Do you think I'll be able to find a boat here
0:04:15 > 0:04:17that will take me to Venice?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- Of course.- I've got ten Kuna on me.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- You have ten Kuna.- Yeah.- Enough! - Are you sure?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- I will find something for you. - OK, you can do the haggling.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30We should explain to Rory that ten Kuna is just over a pound.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Wow. We just got this for free.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36That's the point of going to these things, isn't it?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Exactly. It's our first freebie. Let's see...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Even if we don't get a free ride to Venice,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44let's see how many other freebies we can pick up en route.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47This looks like some sort of key ring but that is a raincoat.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- That is an entire raincoat.- Is it?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Yeah. What, you thought it was just a small plastic ball?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I thought it was a floaty key ring,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57so when you dropped your keys overboard
0:04:57 > 0:04:59they float and they don't go to the bottom of the ocean.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- But it's a raincoat as well. - And a floaty key ring.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Wow. That's very, very good.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11'Our search was becoming just a tad futile.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15'But then it dawned on us that all the people who owned big boats are rich and flashy,
0:05:15 > 0:05:20'and how do they flash the rest of the world their wealth when not lounging on their sundeck?'
0:05:20 > 0:05:26Once you've got a cigar on, they'll show you onto any boat you like.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30We are now ostentatiously mingling.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34We've given up on the boat, we're ostentatiously mingling
0:05:34 > 0:05:37with the cigar club in the hope they might offer us free cigars.
0:05:37 > 0:05:43'To get in with the in crowd, Dara takes the bullet and the stogy
0:05:43 > 0:05:45'and unbelievably it works.'
0:05:45 > 0:05:48What sort of boat do you have here?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50We saw it. It was one of the first.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- It's black.- Oh, yes, we saw it. Very smart.- Very, very nice.
0:05:55 > 0:06:00The lovely Daya has a contact she thinks could help me.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07She's saying, "Is this boat going to Venice?"
0:06:07 > 0:06:12She might not be, she might be ordering a pizza for all I know.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15'That's thin crust, extra pepperoni, no anchovies.'
0:06:17 > 0:06:20'Our man from the cigar club has done us proud.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24'The Italian built Leonard is 72-foot with twin engines,
0:06:24 > 0:06:28'four cabins and a top speed of 45 knots. Very nice.'
0:06:28 > 0:06:30A bit gymnastic, isn't it?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Now this is exceptionally beautiful.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- Look at this up here. - There's nothing spared here.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40I like the three in a row.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Three men in a boat.
0:06:41 > 0:06:46- It's perfect. This is perfect. - That is our programme, it's called Three Men In A Boat.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Three Men In A Boat. We are two of them.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51The third man you wouldn't have taken seriously at all.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54You're very good at this. Have you been on television?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57You should, you'd be very good.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00You could read the news, present a quiz show.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Shall we show you what we managed to get?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Go on.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14We got a free... It's got a rain mac inside it and it floats.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Are we going to Venice on this?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18We're going to string them together and then we can kick.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20That's fantastic. Is this for me?
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- And then we went and Dara bought... - I got a cigar.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- I blagged a cigar... - What sort of boat?
0:07:26 > 0:07:32We got an eight berth speedy cruiser job.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35It's really, like really... It's a £3 million boat.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- A cheap boat?- I don't think there is a bigger boat in this thing.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Shall I show you what I've got? - OK. Yeah, please.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46'This Italian-built Austin Parker 52-foot open has three cabins,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49'en suite, a top speed of 34 knots
0:07:49 > 0:07:53'and a range of 340 in nautical miles. Perfect.'
0:07:53 > 0:07:58- Isn't it beautiful? - I'm so pleased you like it, Griff!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00GRIFF CHUCKLES Yeah, it's nice, yeah.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- It took a blonde girl with a short skirt to get this.- Well done.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- Now this, Griff, is what they call my bedroom.- OK.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Is this the master bedroom?
0:08:13 > 0:08:17This is the master bedroom and the interesting thing is we turned
0:08:17 > 0:08:19the position of the bed that way,
0:08:19 > 0:08:23that you don't know where the main direction of the boat is.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25If you are laying here, try it.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Go on, Griff, you try it. - This is your bedroom.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33- Am I allowed to try it? - I'm thinking of your back.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- Where's the bow of the boat?- There?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- No. It's there.- Is it?
0:08:37 > 0:08:42- Oh!- So it's turned. - The whole thing has turned.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45This is what we call the blagger's bedroom.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48All Griff needs to know is where is the toilet
0:08:48 > 0:08:50for the middle of the night?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52As long as that's not disguised by some optical illusion,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55he's going to be all right in the middle of the night.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Well, at my age you know, yes.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01'The boat show had another two days to go,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04'so we have to wait for our lift.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07'In the meantime, we're going to continue island hopping
0:09:07 > 0:09:10'up the coast on the Kapetan MRS,
0:09:10 > 0:09:14'a former chemical tanker that delivers drinking water.'
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- Hello. Are you Captain Mrs?- Hello.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- I am not Mrs I am Mr.- Mr Captain.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- Mr Captain, how are you? - Griff, Dara, Rory.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28'It's just finished filling with water and is ready to go.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31'All that needs to be done is the storage of the filling hose.'
0:09:32 > 0:09:35'Just how many men does it take to roll up a hose?'
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Like this, you roll and pull.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- Roll and pull. - This has to be like this.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43It's beyond us - three men and the Captain.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Are they thirsty on the islands, because this could take some time?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- More, more, more, more. - Now you're doing well.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54We're supposed to be on a luxury yacht, remember that bit?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- Don't roll it up! Why are you rolling it up?- Pull, Griff, pull.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- Jesus!- I was looking for a Laurel and Hardy moment.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Like Lady And The Tramp? Where you both meet in the middle?
0:10:09 > 0:10:14The Kapetan MRS was built during the Communist era in Croatia.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18As a result, all the steel is just that little bit thicker.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21There are just a few more rivets.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Everything is 100 per cent more sturdy than those flimsy,
0:10:25 > 0:10:30mass produced, fibreglass gin palaces that Dara likes so much.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Look at this.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Plenty of room for deck quoits, whatever you need here.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Here's the galley. Everybody hard at work producing lunch.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55Huge! Huge by comparison to those plastic boats.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Plenty of room to have a good old sit down.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Fantastic smell of diesel in the air as well.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11For me this is the real romance of the sea, a little boat like this,
0:11:11 > 0:11:15because you just don't see as many of them as you used to.
0:11:15 > 0:11:21They're all disappearing and you've got the enormous container ships,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24but coastal trade has gone, hasn't it?
0:11:24 > 0:11:29Fabulous idea that you need boats like this then to keep the islands running around here.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35How far away is the island we're going to?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37About 12 miles.
0:11:37 > 0:11:4012 miles. OK, fine. So, it won't take us that long to get out.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44And how often do you bring water to them?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46In the summer, every day I work.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Every day?- Every day, nearly every day.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53After a couple of diesel-scented hours,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56we arrive at the island of Kaprije.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Doesn't look like one of the party islands of the Dalmatian coast.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08Basically, if you don't like Cafe Bar Neptune you're not in luck.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Getting the water from the Kapetan MRS to the island
0:12:16 > 0:12:19is normally pretty straightforward but today, of course,
0:12:19 > 0:12:23the island's pump is on the blink and they need our help.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Do you have to ring a bell so the villagers know?
0:12:30 > 0:12:34I suppose so. Well, I was hoping there would be a committee...
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Where are all the villagers and the mayor saying, "At last the water's arrived!"
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Why isn't there an ice cream van noise? Like a song,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43# Ding ding ding Dah, ding ding ding ding... #
0:12:43 > 0:12:46RORY LAUGHS
0:12:46 > 0:12:49The Captain has invited me in to his cabin for a beer
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- and who am I to... - We're delivering water!
0:12:52 > 0:12:53I know, I can't drink water.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56It's the one thing we have to do and you're bunking off!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59All we have to do is deliver this water to these thirsty people.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I'm about to deliver a bottle of beer to this thirsty person.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06I'm with the Captain if there's any trouble.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Oh, yeah, OK.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11It'll be the Captain we'll be looking for, not you.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17'The reason for all that careful hosepipe rolling is now apparent.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22'With no pump on the island, we'll have to connect hundreds of yards
0:13:22 > 0:13:25'of canvas hoses and push the water from the boat
0:13:25 > 0:13:27'all the way to the storage container
0:13:27 > 0:13:28'in the middle of the town.'
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- How's it going there, Griff? - You know we could do with a bit of a hand here.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- Really?- Well, I would think so.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40My wife said to me, "What do you want for your birthday?" And I said,
0:13:40 > 0:13:44"I'd like a Croatian girl," which she didn't like very much.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49Griff is now proudly claiming to have improved the way they do this,
0:13:49 > 0:13:53because he's come to some technique where the boat gets dragged along and it helps carry the thing.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57They've been doing this for 40 years and Griff, in this first afternoon,
0:13:57 > 0:13:58starts declaring improvements.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02He's like a management consultant who's been shipped in, you know?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05OK, here we go. Griff, sending you water.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20With the water pumps flat out, it's still going to take six hours to unload the cargo.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Time to check on the whereabouts of our yachts.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29It's fabulous that you could be able to do this,
0:14:29 > 0:14:34but it would be enormously helpful if you could be in Pula on Tuesday.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39OK, that might well be a problem.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45So if there is a chance of hitching a lift to Venice,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48it'll be via Pula, 70 miles up the coast,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50so that's where we have to head for.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53But as the water delivery finished,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56we couldn't let a Croatian sunset go to waste.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59GRIFF GROANS Are you finding that very difficult?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01We're very grateful, Griff.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03You bash your fingers together.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Is there a sense you are enjoying the sunset less than we are?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I'm enjoying it less than you are.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Griff, even though you're in discomfort, I have to say
0:15:10 > 0:15:14you are the only person on this boat that can see the sunset.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- Can you describe it to us? - I'll swivel you round...
0:15:17 > 0:15:21We'll look at you and you look at the sunset.
0:15:21 > 0:15:27- Ah!- Hang on, I'm not going to look. I'll wait. Keep going, keep going.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Keep going. Griff, you're in the way of the sunset.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I can't see the sunset because you're in the way!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35It was perfect for a second, but now you've ruined it.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- That is very nice.- That's lovely.
0:15:44 > 0:15:50We arrive in Zadar 30 miles up the coast too late to enjoy its best feature.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53In 1964, film director Alfred Hitchcock proclaimed
0:15:53 > 0:15:58the Zadar sunset is a magnificent scene that has outlived time.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03We make do instead with a seafront light sculpture called Greeting To The Sun,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05which only turns on at night, much like Rory.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11This was Alfred Hitchcock's favourite sunset in the World.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13What was Alfred Hitchcock doing here?
0:16:13 > 0:16:18- Good question. - Just on holiday, or checking out a location or thinking...
0:16:18 > 0:16:24He looked at the sunset and thought, "How beautiful, I can't use that. I can't use that beautiful sunset.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28"I don't do beautiful sunsets, I do murders and horrible things."
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Is that how Alfred Hitchcock talks?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Did you not know that Alfred Hitchcock talks?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36He was an old cockney man, he was.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39He's more jowly sounding.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41THEY MUMBLE
0:16:41 > 0:16:42That's Winston Churchill, isn't it?
0:16:42 > 0:16:46GRIFF MUMBLES
0:16:46 > 0:16:49We shall fight them on the beaches. THEY LAUGH
0:16:49 > 0:16:52On tonight's programme, the story of a man...
0:16:52 > 0:16:56"We haven't had lot of people here since the new road was built.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58"Mother!"
0:17:05 > 0:17:09With no ferries or other boats at this time of year,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12we have to get from Zadar to Pula via plane.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16'Please take particular note of the location of the emergency exists.'
0:17:18 > 0:17:22At least we could enjoy the remaining 300 Croatian islands from the air,
0:17:22 > 0:17:27as technically we leave the Dalmatian coast as head for the Istrian one.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31- You're not a nervous flyer, Griff? - No.- Have you done loads of flights?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Not loads of flying. It never really occurs to me. It seems to me that
0:17:34 > 0:17:37it's one of those things, if you're number's up, you go down.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40It's safer than catching a bus, isn't it?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Well, you never hear of a bus crash landing in the sea.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02Pula is the largest town on the Istrian Peninsula.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05At its heart lies the Pula arena.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08One of the best preserved Roman amphitheatres in the world.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Hey, it's better than the one in Rome.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Why's it better than the one in Rome? - Because there's more of it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19And there are less fake centurions standing around smoking fags.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Yeah, there's a lot of that.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24And it's not quite like a middle of a roundabout like the one in Rome.
0:18:24 > 0:18:30This Arena dates back to 28 BC and was used for gladiatorial combat
0:18:30 > 0:18:34until the Emperor Honorius banned it in the 5th Century.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38In the 1500s, the Venetians wanted to steal it.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41They planned to move it to Venice stone by stone,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43but luckily they were foiled.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Nowadays, it's used as a concert venue,
0:18:46 > 0:18:50with Elton John, Sting and Sinead O'Connor all having performed here.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Essentially it's like the O2 of its day.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56You know, Michael McIntyre in his day would have played here
0:18:56 > 0:18:59and then a lion would have come on and eaten him.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03- Yey! At last!- What's he going to do tomorrow night?
0:19:03 > 0:19:07If you needed to make a speech, you'd feel all right here.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Oh, yeah, yeah, you could project here.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14- Friends!- Romans.- Pulans. Pulans.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I don't think the play, Julius Caesar, would have been done in Roman times
0:19:17 > 0:19:18It's actually quite good, the echo.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- I could hear that.- That's pretty good acoustics after all that.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Ow! A lion is eating my leg!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30With such a magnificent acoustic on offer,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33it was too much for the thespian amongst us to resist.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34DARA AND RORY CHEER
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- Thank you!- Sorry?
0:19:36 > 0:19:40- Good evening, Pula.- Sorry? What did he say?
0:19:40 > 0:19:45Welcome to the first show of 531 AD.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Yeah, can we have more lions, please?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Give us Pick A Pocket Or Two, Griff.
0:19:51 > 0:19:57# A man's got a heart has a name... #
0:19:57 > 0:19:59We kind of meant that as a joke, but he's going for it.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02# I'm finding it hard... #
0:20:02 > 0:20:04BOTH: Boooo!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Is it open mic night?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- Yeah, it is.- Get him off. Next!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11We should move this whole thing to Venice.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- You just can't get the crowds any more.- Is this licensed, this place?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17HE SINGS
0:20:17 > 0:20:21DARA AND RORY: Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Bring on the poet. GRIFF GROANS
0:20:24 > 0:20:29- It's escaping.- Comedian escaping, comedian escaping from the arena.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32No, no, no, you can't break the fourth wall.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36People in Pula aren't ready for this kind of modern theatre.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Our yachts from the boat show should be passing Pula tomorrow morning,
0:20:42 > 0:20:46although we still weren't sure if they would stop and pick us up.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50In the meantime, Griff and I hire a tourist boat to explore.
0:20:53 > 0:20:59I don't know why I thought, being a middle-aged man now and very anal myself,
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I'd like it but it's just, to me, there's something about
0:21:01 > 0:21:04elements of Croatia that are just a little bit too tidy.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I was expecting it to be far more rougher at the edges.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Covered in piles of litter like Spain and Greece?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Well, maybe. I mean, the streets are incredibly clean.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16It looks like someone's been along with a vacuum.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19No, but I think that's wear and tear. The cobbles are very shiny.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I don't mean just because they're shiny, I mean,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24every corner, every bit of paper has been picked up.
0:21:24 > 0:21:29I think that's great, it's just somehow it gives it a sort of dream-like quality.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31A slightly alienated quality.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I like it. I like it a lot.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37And the surprising thing is, very few cigarette ends considering
0:21:37 > 0:21:40how the population spends the entire time smoking.
0:21:40 > 0:21:46Once they smoke them, they swallow the butt in case the cleanliness police arrive and arrest them.
0:21:51 > 0:21:57'I've joined up with Jageda from the Pula Diving Club to check out the area's famed crystal clear waters.'
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Oh!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Some people actually manage to make wet suits look cool.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Some people look like Ninjas when they were this shit.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I look like something wrapped in tarpaulin.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Enjoying the contours are we?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Is that a long lingering shot?
0:22:19 > 0:22:24Neoprene fetishists who might be watching the show...
0:22:24 > 0:22:25get a real sense of the curves.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31'Jageda was going to take me down to an undersea cave,
0:22:31 > 0:22:33'one of many along this stretch of coast.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35'Not being obviously Croatian,
0:22:35 > 0:22:39'I hoped the universal divers' sign language would see me though.'
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I worship the devil, I love rock'n'roll,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44those fish are mating.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Important stuff.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Whilst I got on with indulging my passion,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Rory had found a passion of his own.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Now tell me, Griff, where do you stand on nudism?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I don't. Have you ever been one?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- No.- Come on! Let's go!
0:23:04 > 0:23:11- There are supposed to be dozens... - Up here is Europe's largest nudist colony called Koversada
0:23:11 > 0:23:15and apparently there's room for 15,000
0:23:15 > 0:23:19fat, rich, naked Germans with big bellies and tiny willies.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21So it says in the tourist guide.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25We're sitting, as it happens, on the old boat, there's nobody else around, it's our boat,
0:23:25 > 0:23:32and we're passing a tourist bit. What we could do is, what we'll do is, we'll sit here completely naked,
0:23:32 > 0:23:37just the two of us and see what it feels like because quite honestly...
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Join us after this break.
0:23:42 > 0:23:49The sea floor's full of weird, wizened creatures. It's a good job
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Rory isn't down here, he doesn't cope well with such things.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Oh, my God!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59We've got some hungry seagulls looking for that chip!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01THEY LAUGH
0:24:01 > 0:24:06No, you see, we are mad because that's the trouble with us
0:24:06 > 0:24:10repressed Englanders, we just associate nudity with sex
0:24:10 > 0:24:14and if you're a normal German, or Austrian, or even a Czechoslovak,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17or a Croatian, you sit on the beach with no kit on
0:24:17 > 0:24:21and you think this is as nature intended me to be.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Pass me that fig leaf, will you?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27You don't need a fig leaf, you want a caper.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Thank you.- That should do it. That should cover it.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35- Nut?- No fear!
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Jags and I reach the undersea entrance to the cave,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46which will take us out into a blow hole in the cliff.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Wow! That's amazing!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58That's a genuine star ship. Hello!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- Hello.- How lovely is that?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04And even without much invisibility,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06even that sense that you're really seeing that far,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08is an amazing experience.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Day trips done and clothes returned,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20we borrowed a sailing boat for our last Croatian night and a supper
0:25:20 > 0:25:24of pasta with something the area is famed for - truffles.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30I always struggle with fungal growths myself, so I'm a bit sceptical about truffles.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Well, I'll have yours then.
0:25:36 > 0:25:41I think we should raise our glasses, Griff, you raise your eyebrows,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43and say dovidenya hrvatska.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47- Dovidenya hrvatska. - What does that mean?
0:25:47 > 0:25:52Griff, how long have you been in this country and not learned what dovidenya means, or hrvatska?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- You know what hrvatska means. - I know what it means.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58I'm only worried for the average viewer at home. What does it mean?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01That means goodbye until we see you again, Croatia.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Beautiful.
0:26:03 > 0:26:08I did it in a mock Russian accent.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Tomorrow it was Venice,
0:26:10 > 0:26:14but just how we were going to get there remained to be seen.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Venice was waiting for us through the dawn fog.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29All we needed were our luxury yachts but which one would we get?
0:26:29 > 0:26:33We have to go. So... you have news?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Are you kidding? That's great.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37So what are we doing? Are we going?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Can we go? Can we not go?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42No, that's fine.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45We're running out of time that's the thing, isn't it?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47'So which was it to be?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50'My elegant 52-footer with its unusual cabin layout...'
0:26:52 > 0:26:55'..Or my 72-foot twin engine monster?'
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Isn't this exciting, Griff?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Venice at last.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04And what a way to travel.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Yes, the only boat we managed to wrangle was a ferry.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11So what happened to your boat then?
0:27:11 > 0:27:18Er...I had problems getting the pretty blonde girl in the short mini skirt to come with me.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Probably the real reason is the boats are both unsold.
0:27:22 > 0:27:27If they come back into Croatia the Croatian government slap VAT on the boats, which for my boat would be
0:27:27 > 0:27:29like 720 grand and for his boat, it'd be like nine...
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- Seven hundred... - and twenty thousand!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35- Because our boat was so expensive, wasn't it?!- Either way,
0:27:35 > 0:27:39we couldn't and they couldn't, and no-one wanted...
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- I actually prefer this boat to your boat.- Do you?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- I do. I think this is much nicer. - You prefer this to your boat?
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- I prefer this boat to my boat as well.- It's got integrity.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- It's got rigour.- It's a real metal. - Yeah.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54At least it's a boat.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58The only way to arrive for my first time in Venice.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Dara and Griff have apparently been here before.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12- Impressive sight.- Ahhh!
0:28:13 > 0:28:14The great smell of...
0:28:14 > 0:28:16- no sewers.- I don't why he said that.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20It doesn't smell at all. It's a typical English reaction,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22he's worried most of all about the drainage.
0:28:22 > 0:28:28- It may be an English preoccupation but can you flush the toilet paper down the lavatory?- I don't remember!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30It depends on the hotel we're in.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32It's perfectly fine to flush the lavatory here.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36Anyway, there's more shit going down the Thames these days
0:28:36 > 0:28:38than there is in Venice. Promise you.
0:28:38 > 0:28:43Never mind the sewers, the city's made of 117 small islands
0:28:43 > 0:28:47and was the greatest maritime empire the world has ever known.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Whist everyone else was producing farmers, Venice produced sailors.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55But for the last 300 years, lured by descriptions such as the most
0:28:55 > 0:28:57beautiful place ever built by man,
0:28:57 > 0:29:01Venice is entirely dependent on tourism.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06- This is beautiful. - It's nice, isn't it?
0:29:06 > 0:29:08The only thing I knew about Venice before I arrived is
0:29:08 > 0:29:12it's got canals instead of streets, but when you're here you think,
0:29:12 > 0:29:14"It's got canals instead of streets!" It's wonderful.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18It is astonishing just to the level to which they do have canals instead of streets.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24It's a theme park on water,
0:29:24 > 0:29:29and its centre is the Grand Canal, the main commuter and tourist route.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Venice's Oxford Street.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35It's a constant flurry of vaporettos,
0:29:35 > 0:29:40water taxis, pleasure cruisers, barges and, of course, gondolas.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43There are no cars in Venice. Everything is done by boat.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46It doesn't strike me as the best place to do a race.
0:29:46 > 0:29:52What, three amateurs in the busiest bit of canal in the world doing a very complicated rowing stroke?
0:29:52 > 0:29:57Not only a navigation accident but a cultural accident as well, waiting to happen.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00So we're going to insult them and also slow up the commute.
0:30:00 > 0:30:05- And drown.- Why do you drown? How slow are they to come and get you?
0:30:05 > 0:30:07This is not going to be easy.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10Dara and Rory can barely control a simple rowing boat,
0:30:10 > 0:30:15let alone a gondola with its unique sculling called voga alla veneta.
0:30:18 > 0:30:22The gondola may be a cliche but it's also a very interesting boat.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24Sorry, Rory, but this is true
0:30:24 > 0:30:27because the boat only has one bit of metal in it,
0:30:27 > 0:30:29that's the bit at the front,
0:30:29 > 0:30:34which is a balance for the oarsman or the gondolier.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37What he does is a very interesting stroke, because it's designed
0:30:37 > 0:30:42to be narrow and rowed by one person, which means he has to push
0:30:42 > 0:30:46the boat along and then use the same oar to steer the boat
0:30:46 > 0:30:50as he brings it forward again so that he can push it like that,
0:30:50 > 0:30:54and so at the end of the 19th century they developed the gondola
0:30:54 > 0:31:02to have a sort of asymmetric quality to it so that the actual boat itself
0:31:02 > 0:31:05was balanced because of the person sitting on the stern
0:31:05 > 0:31:06pushing it along.
0:31:06 > 0:31:12It's clear that we are going to need some training before being released on the Grand Canal.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15So we've come to the Rowing Circle -
0:31:15 > 0:31:17a club that is hosting our race.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19I'll go here.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21Can you let me pass, please?
0:31:21 > 0:31:24OK, lift that up.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27- There we go, OK.- Don't lose my oar.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30They rightly want to take us through our paces and check us out.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33A race on the Grand Canal is a big deal to these people
0:31:33 > 0:31:36and they don't want to be made a fool of by the English, Irish and Welsh.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40This is how you stop and this is how you start.
0:31:40 > 0:31:44Sybil is the only one who speaks English and so she's going to teach us.
0:31:48 > 0:31:52- OK.- Pulling it back, the row is like that.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54- And then up.- Yes, OK.
0:31:54 > 0:31:59'We're on a more stable racing gondola called a Carolina,
0:31:59 > 0:32:03'but even on this not falling in is a challenge.'
0:32:03 > 0:32:06- Oh!- Uh-huh. OK.
0:32:07 > 0:32:12Unlike normal rowing you stand, facing forward.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15Well, it's not really very difficult.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18Quite similar to rowing.
0:32:18 > 0:32:25- You have to use the whole body to move the row.- Yeah.
0:32:25 > 0:32:26I guessed.
0:32:30 > 0:32:34'The technique wasn't really clicking for us.'
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Try to move together.
0:32:42 > 0:32:47And just as Griff thinks he's got it, he gets more confusing instructions.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51- Si.- No.- Are you sure?
0:32:51 > 0:32:55INSTRUCTORS SPEAK ITALIAN
0:32:57 > 0:33:02'It seems that our instructors can't agree on the correct technique.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05'As with so many things in Italian life, the modern and the old
0:33:05 > 0:33:11'are clashing and our teachers argue over style, form and footwork.'
0:33:14 > 0:33:18No, you use the left leg.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21Left leg.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24'Once the basic stroke was sort of agreed,
0:33:24 > 0:33:27'the next thing was to learn to row as a team.'
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Uno due.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Uno due.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Uno due.
0:33:39 > 0:33:43I like that. Uno due. Uno due.
0:33:43 > 0:33:47The Venetian entry for the European Song Contest I believe.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10Grazie!
0:34:10 > 0:34:13And now we have our race to bugger it up.
0:34:20 > 0:34:24In the 1400s, Venice was the world centre for glass making.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27But there were so many fires that it was decided to move all
0:34:27 > 0:34:31the glass makers to Murano a mile north of the main island.
0:34:32 > 0:34:37One of the top foundries is Fornia with ten master craftsmen and now us.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42We need a trophy.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44We need a trophy for a race.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46100% Murano glass trophy.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48It doesn't have to be a master craftsmen.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50We were thinking we could make it.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52We have the best one on the island.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54It means the best one in the world.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57His name is Diego.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59Will Diego help us?
0:34:59 > 0:35:02Should we help Diego to make a trophy?
0:35:02 > 0:35:04You will help Diego to make a trophy.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06- Shall I go first?- You go first.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Ciao, Diego.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Como esta?
0:35:10 > 0:35:12We want Rory to help make our trophy for us, do we?
0:35:12 > 0:35:18We have not thought this through, but if the trophy's for rowing
0:35:18 > 0:35:21really badly, the trophy should probably reflect that.
0:35:21 > 0:35:26We are coming to Venice to take a Venetian skill and not be very good at it.
0:35:26 > 0:35:31What temperature is glass workable at? What heat are we talking about here?
0:35:31 > 0:35:34It starts cooling at 1,400 degrees.
0:35:34 > 0:35:40You can start shaping it around 800, 600 and then start cooling off.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43Rory, can you do something of this standard?
0:35:43 > 0:35:47Yeah, that'll do. We can do that.
0:35:47 > 0:35:53This is what we want because nothing else would be worth making an ass of ourselves on the Grand Canal for.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57So, er... Don't drop it.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59Diego, shall I sit here?
0:35:59 > 0:36:01Si.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04And afterwards, he's going to sit on your legs.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07OK, good. Am I blowing first?
0:36:07 > 0:36:10Er...not first. You start rolling.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13- Right.- Rolling, rolling, rolling.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16- Keep it rolling. - Rolling, rolling, rolling.
0:36:16 > 0:36:20There we are. I've just decided what it's going to be.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24Something in honour of Casanova perhaps?
0:36:24 > 0:36:25Concentrate, Rory.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27I don't know what I'm going to do with this.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29OK, you're going to shape it, Rory.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Here it comes!
0:36:31 > 0:36:35- So...rolling. Yeah.- Oh!
0:36:35 > 0:36:37I've got it.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40I've got it. You roll, Diego.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43- It's looking wonderful. - I can't bear to watch.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45That's better, that's better.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Lovely.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Are we going to blow now, Luigi?
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Are we blowing at all today?
0:36:51 > 0:36:53Now you inflate.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57Blow in, blow in.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04Stop, stop.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08- Not bad.- Good balloon work.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12- Yeah. I'm...I'm going to leave you.- OK.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16No, I'm not bored. I want it to be a surprise later on.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25I don't want to be curmudgeonly, but...
0:37:25 > 0:37:29It's just somehow... this is the problem.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32I mean, this is a perfectly nice...
0:37:32 > 0:37:35nice island with a longstanding tradition
0:37:35 > 0:37:38utterly ruined by tourists.
0:37:38 > 0:37:43The whole place has produced over the last thousand years a fantastic craft.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47It's taken them centuries to perfect and the Doge at one point
0:37:47 > 0:37:51used to refuse to let any craftsmen leave the island
0:37:51 > 0:37:55lest they take the secrets of Venice glass-making away and gave it
0:37:55 > 0:38:01to another city and all that skill has gone in to producing
0:38:01 > 0:38:06a hideous blue fish with black and white pop eyes.
0:38:09 > 0:38:14Whee! Ay, ay, ay! Anybody got any sun block?
0:38:16 > 0:38:19Whoa! Keep it going, keep it going!
0:38:20 > 0:38:25Get it in, get it out. This is the most fun I've had in years.
0:38:25 > 0:38:29Hundreds of experts descending on me. It's great.
0:38:32 > 0:38:35Back on the mainland, the city was filling up.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38They've come to see the most beautiful architecture in the world.
0:38:38 > 0:38:42If they can catch a glimpse of it through the crowds.
0:38:42 > 0:38:47I've only been in Venice in August once,
0:38:47 > 0:38:51that was about 25 years ago and even then it was a bit like being in...
0:38:51 > 0:38:56in the queue in an amusement park permanently. In a good year,
0:38:56 > 0:39:02the tourists outnumber the population by 60 to one.
0:39:05 > 0:39:09'I tried to escape the crowds of tourists and get a behind the scenes
0:39:09 > 0:39:11'look at how a city on water actually functions.'
0:39:13 > 0:39:15This is the only way to travel really.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18See the city from this level.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28Like any city, we have emergency services here, there are the police,
0:39:28 > 0:39:33there are ambulances and, of course, these guys the Vigili Del Fuoco who are the fire service.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36Now it may seem paradoxical that a city built on water
0:39:36 > 0:39:41would be in danger of fire but in 1996, the Opera House, La Fenice,
0:39:41 > 0:39:44burnt down and the fire was fought by these guys from their boats.
0:39:49 > 0:39:53- Where are the chairs?- No chairs.
0:39:53 > 0:39:55No chairs. Always ready to go.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57Well, let's go and have a bit of a drive around.
0:39:57 > 0:40:02'Andrea is fire chief of one of Venice's three main fire stations,
0:40:02 > 0:40:05'poised and ready for all emergencies.'
0:40:05 > 0:40:06How often are the fires?
0:40:06 > 0:40:11Usually, sometimes one in a month, a big important fire.
0:40:11 > 0:40:18- A little fire, the beginning of a fire, kitchen fire...- Yeah.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21Do the vaporettos ever hit the gondolas?
0:40:21 > 0:40:24Gondolas, yes, yes, sometimes.
0:40:24 > 0:40:30And then they break the engine and they go straight, they can't stop, and they take the gondola.
0:40:30 > 0:40:37- And do you ever arrive out and there's a tourist?- Oh, yes.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42RADIO BEEPS
0:40:42 > 0:40:44HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:40:44 > 0:40:47Si. OK. OK.
0:40:47 > 0:40:51- Where are we going?- Danieli.- OK.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56HORN BLARES
0:41:03 > 0:41:05A proper Venetian emergency.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08Horn on, everything. We're heading for the Danieli Hotel.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Is this the Danieli?
0:41:15 > 0:41:16You're kidding.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Did you just phone in an emergency?
0:41:19 > 0:41:21They've got no bottle openers!
0:41:21 > 0:41:25There's a bar tenders trading conference in there and they're using all the bottle openers.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27Did you just call out an emergency boat?
0:41:27 > 0:41:30We were like, "Ee-aw, ee-aw, ee-aw" and everything.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32You call that an emergency approach?
0:41:32 > 0:41:34Thank you very, very much, Andrea.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36A proper fireman, that's what I like.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38Also, my face is on fire.
0:41:48 > 0:41:52'Our big race is going to happen in the afternoon.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55'So for the morning, we've arranged to meet up and have lunch
0:41:55 > 0:42:00'with the last family that actually fish out of Venice - the Bomulo.
0:42:00 > 0:42:05'And hopefully we'll learn a thing or two about real Venetian cookery.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07'It begins with a shopping list.'
0:42:07 > 0:42:10HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:42:11 > 0:42:14OK.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:42:16 > 0:42:21OK. OK. Arrivederci.
0:42:21 > 0:42:25- OK, great. What is this, a shopping list?- I think it is, yeah.
0:42:25 > 0:42:29- Just go through this.- What's...
0:42:29 > 0:42:33- Olio di oliva, olive oil. - Aglio?- Aglio, that's garlic.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36Melanzana is aubergine, your favourite.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38Yeah, I'll let you get that.
0:42:38 > 0:42:42- Penne number ten or pane number ten? - Penne number ten, that's the pasta.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44- Are you sure that's not pane? - No, penne, penne.
0:42:44 > 0:42:48Yeah, but penne has two Ns, are you sure it's not pane, bread?
0:42:48 > 0:42:52Pane is... Penne... You think it's bread number ten?
0:42:52 > 0:42:55You go into a shop and say, "Number ten bread, please."
0:42:55 > 0:42:57Basilico...
0:43:05 > 0:43:06Buongiorno.
0:43:06 > 0:43:11How are you? Good?
0:43:11 > 0:43:14This is typical fish here in the lagoon,
0:43:14 > 0:43:18and this fish is going to form part of our lunch, so how fresh is that?
0:43:18 > 0:43:21- Anguilla.- Anguilla, look at this, eels.
0:43:21 > 0:43:26And they're like eels, traditionally extremely slippery.
0:43:26 > 0:43:28Here it comes, here it comes.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31Oh! An electric one!
0:43:34 > 0:43:37While Rory had ingredients eating out of his hand,
0:43:37 > 0:43:39we have to venture further afield.
0:43:47 > 0:43:53On the outskirts of the island of Giudecca I've been told of a market stall popular with the locals.
0:43:53 > 0:44:00These are apparently the only fresh vegetables grown in Venice.
0:44:00 > 0:44:04And they come from the garden of the women's prison.
0:44:05 > 0:44:11I'm in quite a crowd here of people seeking fresh vegetables.
0:44:12 > 0:44:18That's the last of the cauliflowers gone. Hmm...
0:44:18 > 0:44:24I'm going to have to... I think it's asparagus, si. Grazie.
0:44:24 > 0:44:29- Solo mezzo chilo.- Mezzo chilo? Solo mezzo chilo, si.
0:44:29 > 0:44:33Grazie. Solo mezzo chilo?
0:44:33 > 0:44:35- Uno?- Uno, si.
0:44:37 > 0:44:40I'm restricted to half a kilo of asparagus,
0:44:40 > 0:44:46but they're still serving the same woman who was here when I arrived
0:44:46 > 0:44:49and she is taking everything.
0:44:51 > 0:44:57We just lost the entirety of the rocket, all the spinaci finito.
0:44:58 > 0:45:02This woman has taken every single last beetroot.
0:45:02 > 0:45:07That's not leaving much for the rest of us. I've seized this asparagus,
0:45:07 > 0:45:08I've got them in my grip,
0:45:08 > 0:45:12I just fancy it might take about an hour to get served to pay for them.
0:45:17 > 0:45:21I, however, am somewhere much less exciting, for me at least.
0:45:28 > 0:45:31And so inevitably, we find ourselves in a fish market.
0:45:31 > 0:45:35All shows that come to Venice have to bring you to the fish market to show you there is still
0:45:35 > 0:45:40real life in the city and it isn't just shops selling Venetian masks and clowns made of glass.
0:45:40 > 0:45:45It's about 80 per cent shops selling masks and clowns made of glass.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47Little note on the fish market thing -
0:45:47 > 0:45:49at home I don't go to fish markets,
0:45:49 > 0:45:52I don't hang around a lot of fish when I'm at home. I find the smell
0:45:52 > 0:45:56a little bit fishy for me, a little bit heavy, so my shopping list says
0:45:56 > 0:46:01things like pasta, some bread, maybe some potatoes and some tomatoes.
0:46:01 > 0:46:05I'm going to do that in this shop in which I can actually inhale.
0:46:05 > 0:46:07INHALES DEEPLY
0:46:09 > 0:46:14This is Il Ponte della Tette, which means...
0:46:14 > 0:46:17well, there's another way of putting it, the Bridge of Tits.
0:46:17 > 0:46:20That's because in the 1500s, Venice had an incredible
0:46:20 > 0:46:2511,000 prostitutes so, obviously, trade was very competitive
0:46:25 > 0:46:29and so to attract passing customers the ladies of the night would
0:46:29 > 0:46:33hang out of these windows... Well, hang out of these windows, in fact.
0:46:33 > 0:46:36Shop! No.
0:46:36 > 0:46:37Very different today.
0:46:37 > 0:46:40As you can see there is only one tit on this bridge.
0:46:45 > 0:46:49'With the stall stripped bare by the locals, I need help.
0:46:49 > 0:46:52'Luckily, an English speaking inmate took pity on me
0:46:52 > 0:46:56'and offers to take me inside to get some even fresher produce.'
0:46:56 > 0:46:58How much time do you spend in the garden?
0:46:58 > 0:47:01- Eight hours.- Hmm?- Eight hours.
0:47:01 > 0:47:03- Eight hours a day?- Yeah.
0:47:05 > 0:47:09Edith is one of 80 or so prisoners who can spend some of their time
0:47:09 > 0:47:13tending to the vegetable patches in the barbed wire enclosed compound.
0:47:15 > 0:47:19This is a former convent and it has a large garden.
0:47:21 > 0:47:23This is a very lovely place, Edith.
0:47:23 > 0:47:25- Yes, this is our paradise. - Your paradise?- Yeah.
0:47:25 > 0:47:28What do you grow here?
0:47:28 > 0:47:30A lot of tomato, green peppers...
0:47:30 > 0:47:33Now wait a minute, I've got a list, I just want to check!
0:47:33 > 0:47:36I need to have a look and see...
0:47:36 > 0:47:38Do you have...melanzana?
0:47:38 > 0:47:41No. We grow melanzana, but they're not ready.
0:47:41 > 0:47:43- They're not ready?- No.- Oh, no!
0:47:43 > 0:47:46Do you have...patate?
0:47:46 > 0:47:50- They're not ready.- They're not ready! - No.- OK.
0:47:50 > 0:47:54- Pomodori? Tomato.- They're not ready.
0:47:54 > 0:47:59Luckily Edith was able to find me some things that were in season.
0:47:59 > 0:48:03Let's hope that the fisherman cook can make use of them.
0:48:03 > 0:48:04Hiding down here is a cat.
0:48:04 > 0:48:07There is a cat hiding down here.
0:48:07 > 0:48:10- You like that?- Yep. Is there a cauliflower I can have?- Yeah.
0:48:13 > 0:48:15- Thank you.- You're welcome.
0:48:15 > 0:48:18Marvellous. OK.
0:48:18 > 0:48:22'I've got the fresh vegetables and now it's time to get hands on
0:48:22 > 0:48:24'with the fresh seafood.'
0:48:24 > 0:48:28- That ought to do it.- OK. Give me advice now as I come along.
0:48:28 > 0:48:31- Wash the ink off it.- We wash as much of the ink off as possible.
0:48:31 > 0:48:35- We slit the eyes.- At the back. Oh, gosh, there's a lot of ink.
0:48:35 > 0:48:37- Why's there so much ink? - It's bleeding all over the place.
0:48:37 > 0:48:42It's not alive, thank God, and any vegetarians at home, it's only a squid.
0:48:44 > 0:48:48It's interesting though, we are working to a pretty strict deadline here.
0:48:48 > 0:48:53There are genuine fishermen who have been fishing and who won't go,
0:48:53 > 0:48:58"There's some guys over from the BBC messing around, we're happy to wait." They're not happy to wait.
0:49:00 > 0:49:03- What are you doing?- I'm stirring. I'm stirring, I'm sort of...
0:49:03 > 0:49:06- You're stirring?- Yes, why? What does it look like that?
0:49:06 > 0:49:08It's the simplest task in the kitchen.
0:49:08 > 0:49:12I was just going to say, I'm removing beaks and you're stirring?
0:49:12 > 0:49:13I know and I'm not even doing this well.
0:49:13 > 0:49:17You go home from Venice with a degree in stirring and I go home
0:49:17 > 0:49:20from Venice with a degree in dismembering cuttlefish.
0:49:26 > 0:49:30- Hey!- Hey! Ciao!
0:49:30 > 0:49:35How are you? Buongiorno. My name is Rory.
0:49:36 > 0:49:39Try it, it's lovely. Try that. I stirred that.
0:49:41 > 0:49:43I want you to tell me if you like it.
0:49:43 > 0:49:47It's got your signature. The texture...
0:49:47 > 0:49:49The texture of it is incredible, isn't it?
0:49:49 > 0:49:52And what is your contribution to this dish?
0:49:52 > 0:49:55I admired the layout of it. I bought the bread as well.
0:49:55 > 0:49:59You bought the bread and stirred the risotto. You must be knackered.
0:49:59 > 0:50:02Griff, you're the one who was going on about food in Venice.
0:50:02 > 0:50:04How is this? Has this changed your opinion?
0:50:04 > 0:50:08No, this is terrific, isn't it? The point is 90 per cent of the tourists
0:50:08 > 0:50:10do not care what they eat,
0:50:10 > 0:50:14so why should the restaurants care at all what they serve?
0:50:14 > 0:50:18If you really want to eat well in Venice, you have to go to the outlying islands and look for
0:50:18 > 0:50:24the speciality and here we are being served delicious food,
0:50:24 > 0:50:27made by fisherman for their own consumption.
0:50:27 > 0:50:28And it's terrific.
0:50:36 > 0:50:39With our bellies full of delicious Venetian grub, it was time to hit
0:50:39 > 0:50:44the Canal for the first and last inaugural three men gondola race.
0:50:44 > 0:50:48It was evening and the canal was getting busy.
0:50:50 > 0:50:52We'd been split into teams.
0:50:52 > 0:50:56Griff was with the ladies in red and me and Dara were in the blue team.
0:50:56 > 0:50:59I'm actually extremely excited by this.
0:50:59 > 0:51:01It is incredibly exciting, isn't it?
0:51:01 > 0:51:07It's almost surreal that we are standing in the Grand Canal heading for the Rialto.
0:51:07 > 0:51:12- Have you seen the police boat? It's there to stop traffic. - A police escort. It's just crazy.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15It's essentially like having a running race on the M4.
0:51:15 > 0:51:19We've got to make sure we don't disgrace ourselves, although Rory
0:51:19 > 0:51:22already begins to look like a sort of...
0:51:22 > 0:51:23Cornishman on holiday.
0:51:26 > 0:51:28The course is simple.
0:51:28 > 0:51:33Right down the straightest bit of the Grand Canal and under the Rialto Bridge to finish.
0:51:39 > 0:51:42'Since we are novices, it's going to be a rolling start.
0:51:42 > 0:51:46'When both boats are neck and neck, we're off.'
0:51:47 > 0:51:51Uno, due, tre, go, go, go!
0:51:53 > 0:51:55Come on, Rory! Come on!
0:51:59 > 0:52:02While Griff's boat gets into a rhythm,
0:52:02 > 0:52:04our boat gets into an argument.
0:52:04 > 0:52:07- They're all over the place. - They're not fast enough.
0:52:07 > 0:52:09They're not fast enough to keep up with us?
0:52:09 > 0:52:11I'm not hearing any uno due here, Rory.
0:52:11 > 0:52:14- Uno due...- You start then.
0:52:14 > 0:52:18- Uno... - Let's get a private uno due going.
0:52:21 > 0:52:25Although we've a police escort to try and stop traffic,
0:52:25 > 0:52:30gondoliers have priority, so couples on honeymoon weave happily between us.
0:52:31 > 0:52:32We are miles behind.
0:52:32 > 0:52:34We are not within spitting distance.
0:52:34 > 0:52:37We're second, Dara! Don't lose the inner gain.
0:52:37 > 0:52:41You're right, we'll still qualify for next year's event.
0:52:41 > 0:52:46Rory and Dara have now mastered the technique of air rowing,
0:52:46 > 0:52:49which doesn't involve getting the oars wet.
0:52:51 > 0:52:55- Uno due...- Why do you have to make that noise, Rory?
0:52:55 > 0:52:59I'm cutting out the "ooh-ee" and just doing the "oh."
0:52:59 > 0:53:01I spend every uno looking forward to due.
0:53:10 > 0:53:13Griff's boat have found their rhythm.
0:53:13 > 0:53:16There is less internal debate going on
0:53:16 > 0:53:19and the Rialto Bridge looms overhead.
0:53:19 > 0:53:22Rightfully and easily they win,
0:53:22 > 0:53:25and take the acclaim from the thousands of tourists looking on.
0:53:25 > 0:53:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:53:28 > 0:53:31OK?
0:53:31 > 0:53:36- OK? Better than OK I think. Bellissima!- Bellissimo.
0:53:36 > 0:53:37Bellissimo, si.
0:53:42 > 0:53:48- OK.- OK!- Bravo.- Brava! Grazie mille!
0:53:48 > 0:53:50We never really got started in that one.
0:53:50 > 0:53:54The uno, the due, I didn't hear any uno due from any of the people.
0:53:54 > 0:53:57I have heard a lot of yab yab yab from front to back here.
0:53:57 > 0:54:01Tactically this is a disaster. I'm washing my hands of this.
0:54:01 > 0:54:04MAN SHOUTS IN ITALIAN We're still in this!
0:54:11 > 0:54:14- Tony...- Tony not a happy man.
0:54:14 > 0:54:15No, no, no.
0:54:15 > 0:54:18We had one uno, one due and then somebody said tres.
0:54:18 > 0:54:21We don't know what tres was.
0:54:21 > 0:54:23Tres was a move they hadn't taught us.
0:54:23 > 0:54:27THEY CHEER
0:54:27 > 0:54:29He's trying to attract the woman!
0:54:29 > 0:54:33That's all he's done! He just pulled the boat immediately over and like,
0:54:33 > 0:54:37"Hey, how are you doing? Uno due."
0:54:37 > 0:54:40This guy's shouting at him.
0:54:40 > 0:54:41- Everything all right?- No!
0:54:41 > 0:54:43What's going on here?
0:54:43 > 0:54:46You were gone right and we didn't know it had started.
0:54:46 > 0:54:50We didn't know it had started! We were getting the wrong signal.
0:54:50 > 0:54:52- The wrong signal?- You were gone.
0:54:52 > 0:54:56You didn't hang around. I'm going to talk to the girls because frankly...
0:54:56 > 0:54:59Hey, Miguel. Hey, have you met my friend?
0:54:59 > 0:55:02He's a very good friend of mine. Have you met him?
0:55:02 > 0:55:05Have you met my brother? Have you met my brother?
0:55:05 > 0:55:07Perhaps we take these boats?
0:55:07 > 0:55:11We do a very good moonlight cruise.
0:55:15 > 0:55:17It's killing the game this sort of behaviour.
0:55:17 > 0:55:21Three cheers for the red boat. Hip hip hooray!
0:55:25 > 0:55:30Race over, we gather for the prize giving on the Danieli roof terrace,
0:55:30 > 0:55:32overlooking the Canal and The Doge's Palace
0:55:32 > 0:55:36and a time to reflect on the last ten days.
0:55:39 > 0:55:42This trip has been quite spectacular
0:55:42 > 0:55:47not just because of the wonderful landscapes of Montenegro and the lovely people in Croatia,
0:55:47 > 0:55:51but also just arriving here and knowing that as we went further and further
0:55:51 > 0:55:54we got more and more into the very heart of boats
0:55:54 > 0:55:56and the time when boats ran the world and Venice,
0:55:56 > 0:56:02Venice is built on boating and not just here but internationally. You see the feel of it
0:56:02 > 0:56:06and all these Venetian cities that we've passed into, whether it was in Split or Dubrovnik,
0:56:06 > 0:56:12just to come to that birthplace of all that, come to one of the great naval empires,
0:56:12 > 0:56:14I'd say it was enormously important
0:56:14 > 0:56:17and so in many ways I think it's the best trip we've done
0:56:17 > 0:56:20and the trip that most made sense to a certain extent.
0:56:20 > 0:56:23I'm not really sure how we'll top this.
0:56:23 > 0:56:27It is quite spectacularly beautiful to be here.
0:56:27 > 0:56:31I really didn't think Croatia, the Dalmatian coast, particularly
0:56:31 > 0:56:35Ravinia, Pula and Dubrovnik could be topped by anything,
0:56:35 > 0:56:39but I'm afraid Venice is the winner. Perfect.
0:56:39 > 0:56:41What does this trip mean to me?
0:56:41 > 0:56:45Well, I think it reinforced the importance of companionship and it
0:56:45 > 0:56:49reinforced the importance of a cultural awareness of where you go
0:56:49 > 0:56:52and it reinforced my feeling that I'm only
0:56:52 > 0:56:57ever going to get that if I come back through this region
0:56:57 > 0:57:00completely on my own, which I intend to do.
0:57:01 > 0:57:07So it gives me great honour to present my first ever glass vase
0:57:07 > 0:57:09to, I think, worthy winners
0:57:09 > 0:57:12Griff Rhys Jones and his wonderful team of rowers.
0:57:12 > 0:57:16- I think they truly deserved to win, Dara, don't you think?- Yeah...
0:57:16 > 0:57:20So well done, Griff and Sybil. Well done. Worthy, worthy winners.
0:57:20 > 0:57:22Let's everybody have a drink.
0:57:27 > 0:57:31There's one little thing. I mean, we think you are worthy winners
0:57:31 > 0:57:37because you rowed better and we are prepared to overlook...
0:57:37 > 0:57:42we're prepared to overlook the fact that you started before the starting whistle went.
0:57:42 > 0:57:47- Tony, I think the word is forbetti, is that the word?- Bravo!
0:57:47 > 0:57:50THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:58:18 > 0:58:21Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:21 > 0:58:23E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk