Walliams & Friend


Walliams & Friend

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Transcript


LineFromTo

I'm the head of the BBC.

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I'm here to apologise about the product placement in tonight's show.

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At the BBC, we're not allowed to give any products undue prominence,

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so if a brand is featured, we have a duty to also mention its competitors.

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I know some of you may think we live in a PC world.

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Dixons. Currys Digital.

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But we really must clamp down on the mention of all brands,

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however innocent.

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Tropicana. Fruit Shoots.

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This needs to be done in a flash.

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Cif. Cillit Bang.

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To get this wrong is something we just cannot afford.

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A Toyota. A Vauxhall.

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We are sure -

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Lynx, Right Guard - if we stick to these rules,

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we'll come up smelling of roses.

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Celebrations. Quality Street.

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A public broadcaster of our pedigree -

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Iams, Winalot Prime - cannot foster -

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Carling, Special Brew - this kind of attitude.

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Gay Times. Boyz magazine.

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Thank you for listening,

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and we at the BBC promise to abide by these rules always.

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Tampax. Lil-lets.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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DRAMATIC GAME SHOW THEME MUSIC

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Welcome to Brain Power, the show that...

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BUZZER Puts your general knowledge to the test.

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LAUGHTER

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Don't buzz in yet.

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Understood.

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The show that puts your general knowledge to the test.

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Let's meet the contestants. Hello. So, what's your name?

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BUZZER Matthew Wilkins.

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LAUGHTER

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-No need to buzz. There's no point for this.

-Understood.

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And where are you from?

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BUZZER Chesham!

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LAUGHTER

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Again, this is just a chat, as I say.

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-No need to buzz.

-Understood.

-And who's playing against Matthew today?

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BUZZER Sheila. We just met.

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Her name's Sheila. LAUGHTER

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-I was asking Sheila.

-Understood.

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So, Sheila, where are you from?

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BUZZER Isle of Wight.

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LAUGHTER

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Please. Let Sheila answer.

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Bromley.

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-She shouldn't get a point for that.

-She's not going to.

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We haven't started the actual quiz yet.

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Understood.

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Well, Sheila, I understand that something rather funny

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happened to you on the way to the studio today.

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BUZZER All her clothes fell off.

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LAUGHTER

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What did I just say?

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BUZZER

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-Not to buzz.

-Correct. Sheila.

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Yeah, so I called a taxi, and when I got in...

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BUZZER It exploded.

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-No.

-It smelt of eggs.

-No, I...

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All her clothes fell off.

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Let Sheila...tell her story!

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Understood.

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you.

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Erm, so, the taxi driver turned out to be my very first boyfriend.

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HE LAUGHS INSINCERELY

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-Oh, isn't that funny?

-BUZZER

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Not especially. LAUGHTER

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Just stop buzzing, OK?!

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I haven't actually asked a quiz question yet!

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Understood.

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LAUGHTER

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It's time to play Brain Power!

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APPLAUSE AND DRAMATIC MUSIC

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First question.

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What is the capital of New Zealand?

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-Wellington.

-You've got to buzz first.

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-BUZZER

-Wellington?

-Correct.

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LAUGHTER

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That's not fair, you told me not to buzz!

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The quiz has started, you can buzz now.

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BUZZER

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Not now! When I've asked a question.

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Oh, this show is very complicated. The rules keep changing.

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LAUGHTER

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They don't!

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OK. Question two.

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So, fingers on buzzers.

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BUZZER

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LAUGHTER

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Not fingers ON buzzers. Fingers over buzzers.

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OK!

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Question two.

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-Which...

-BUZZER

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Photosynthesis.

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LAUGHTER

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Wait till I've finished!

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You can't possibly know the answer.

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Understood. LAUGHTER

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Which country...

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-BUZZER France.

-Which country...

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-Spain.

-Which country...

-Democratic Republic of Congo.

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-(ANGRILY) Which country...

-BUZZER

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JUST LET ME FINISH THE QUESTION!

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LAUGHTER

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Which country...

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BUZZER

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-Belgium?

-Not you as well!

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LAUGHTER

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-BUZZER

-Sorry.

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LAUGHTER

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This isn't going to work, is it?

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The two of you are ruining the show.

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You proud of yourselves?

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BUZZER Midsomer Murders!

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BUZZER John Major.

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No!

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Sorry, show's over! Happy?!

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That's it from this week's Brain Power.

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Good night!

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BUZZER Fifty Shades of Grey.

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-BUZZER

-Duran Duran.

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BUZZER Homer's The Odyssey.

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-BUZZER

-The Flintstones.

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BUZZER Noel's Telly Addicts.

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'Joanna Lumley is one of the busiest stars in Britain.

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'But how does she find time to do all her wonderful work?

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Well, for the first time,

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we can reveal that Joanna has help from a rather special team...

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A team of Joanna Lumleys.

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-Good morning, Lumleys.

-ALL: Good morning, Chief.

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Now, as ever, we have a very busy week ahead of us.

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Now, Funny Lumley.

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Yes, sweetie.

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Ab Fab the movie - how are you finding getting back into character?

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Well, it's not easy, darling.

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Patsy couldn't be more different from me.

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Yeah, all this drinking and smoking,

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I really had to cut down for the role.

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Thank you. So, Do-Gooder Lumley.

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Yes?

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-I need you to go to Number 10 this afternoon.

-Oh, what is it?

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The Gurkhas again?

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No, this is for cats who suffer from low self-esteem.

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Oh, poor things.

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Anything I can do to raise the profile of this awful affliction.

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-Any news on the Damehood?

-No, not a peep.

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ALL MUMBLE UNHAPPILY

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Now, Voice-Over Lumley.

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Voice-Over Lumley?

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Sorry, I was just enjoying the rich, dark taste

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of this smooth, sensual instant coffee.

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Pure indulgence in a cup.

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Today's advert is for Toilet Duck.

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It'll be a challenge,

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but I'm sure I can bring an erotic charge to the word...

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U-bend.

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Good.

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-Now, Totty Lumley.

-Yes?

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You're off to Hull this weekend for a Bond Girl convention.

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And please, this time,

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try not to get into a bitch-fight with Honor Blackman.

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-Diana Riggs started it.

-Always does!

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So everyone knows what we're doing?

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-ALL: Yes, Chief.

-Then let's finish with the pledge.

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ALL: We, Joanna Lumley, do solemnly swear

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to be the best actress/presenter/crumpet

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we can possibly be.

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We promise to bring light and hope into this world,

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while always looking utterly ravishing.

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Chernoff is boarding a train to Geneva.

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Of course, that's where the NATO summit is.

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Chernoff is going to kill the Secretary-General!

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Minister, I've got my best man on the ground.

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Bond, get on that train.

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Well, buy one from the ticket machine.

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"It's all in foreign." Well, run over to the ticket desk.

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No, don't be shy just cos the lady's pretty.

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I expect your wallet's in your bum-bag.

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Then you'll just have to seduce the ticket lady, so kiss her, Bond!

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She smells of crisps?!

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Just take the ticket and run.

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No, I don't think there's time to get sweets.

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They should have a food trolley on the train.

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I-I don't know - sausage rolls, sandwiches?

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A selection of hot and cold snacks.

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The Admiral says there's normally a selection of hot and cold snacks.

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Well, when you get there, just say you don't like egg

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and they won't give you egg!

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For goodness' sake, Bond, Chernoff's getting away!

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No, I'm not cross with you.

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No, the Minister's not cross with you.

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The Admiral's not cross with you, we're not cross with you.

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GUNFIRE

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Well, then, shoot her back.

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Take the shot, take the bloody shot!

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GUNFIRE

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You shot a nun?!

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Well, just to say sorry to the other nuns and get on the train.

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Bond's in the same carriage as Chernoff.

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No, he's an assassin, of course he's got a gun! Wrestle it off him!

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GUNSHOT, LOUD SCREAMING

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-Chernoff is dead!

-At last.

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No, don't be sad.

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Yes, Chernoff will have had a mummy and a daddy, but he was a BAD MAN!

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No, don't cry, don't cry.

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Big, brave Bond!

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BOTH: Big, brave Bond.

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Big, brave Bond!

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Yes.

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Yes, now would be a good time to get some sweeties.

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So, how is your marriage?

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Well, I think when you've been married for, what, 25 years,

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you end up being able to finish each other's...

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..wine.

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-OK, I was going to say sentences.

-Oh.

-Sentences, yeah.

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I mean, it's uncanny.

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We know each other so well, we can read each other's...

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-..text messages.

-No!

-E-mails?

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-No.

-WhatsApp?

-No, minds!

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-Oh.

-Read each other's minds.

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I mean, when you spend so much time together,

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you get to this point where you're completely in...

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..different to each other.

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In sync with each other.

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We can always tell what each other's...

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-..secretly plotting.

-Thinking!

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And I always say, got to be able to laugh together, yeah?

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We can laugh together. So it's great that we share a sense of...

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-..foreboding.

-Humour.

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I think what keeps me and Carol's relationship so fresh

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is that we've got this really strong...

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..man next door who exercises in his cycling shorts.

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-No, I was going to say "Really strong bond."

-Oh.

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I mean, yes, we're husband and wife, but...

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more importantly, we're best...

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-..off without each other.

-No, best...

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-..sleeping in separate rooms?

-No, best...

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-..ending this pointless charade.

-No, best friends.

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-We're actually very lucky.

-Oh.

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Cos we're both found our soul... Maaa....

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BOTH: Mate.

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That's right, Carol. You see, we're like two peas in a...

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..deeply unhappy marriage.

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Pod.

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-Oh.

-Pod...

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-Is this Liars Anonymous?

-No.

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Good.

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-Anyone sitting here?

-Yes.

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Thanks.

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OK, so we're all here. Let's begin.

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I'm Sue and, as always, I'll be leading today's session.

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No, Jackie, we've been through all that.

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Hello, I'm Sue and I'm leading today's session.

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Shall we introduce ourselves?

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Er, my name's Richard,

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I'm 19

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and I'm a bikini model.

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OK... Jackie.

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Oh, Jackie couldn't be here tonight.

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Thank you, Jackie.

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And you're new, aren't you?

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No, I've been coming here for years.

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What's your name?

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Laquisha.

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Well, then, what is NOT your name?

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-Paul.

-Paul!

-Damnit.

-Thank you, Paul.

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So, for our first exercise, I want everyone to make a short statement

0:12:520:12:56

that does not contain a lie.

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-I am married...

-Good.

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..to Prince Charles.

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So close.

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Jackie?

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I am a liarrrr...on.

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I am a lion.

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Rawr.

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-I've got one.

-Yes, Paul?

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-I...

-Yes?

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-..cannot...

-Yes, go on.

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..grow a moustache!

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Can we remember why we're here?

0:13:290:13:31

To learn Spanish.

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OK, I'm going to ask you a question and please, please don't lie.

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Is anyone actually finding this helpful?

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-Oh, yes, yeah!

-Of course.

-Absolutely.

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You are really good at what you do.

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Oh, right.

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Well, let's try something completely different.

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Sorry I'm late. I'm Sue, I'll be leading today's...session.

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LAUGHTER

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Have you got money lying around the house

0:14:110:14:14

that you want to turn into cash?

0:14:140:14:16

I discovered that I had £25 just gathering dust.

0:14:160:14:21

All you have to do is put it in an envelope and send it to us

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at Cash4money.

0:14:260:14:28

So I sent off the £25 and, just six months later,

0:14:280:14:32

I received a check for £12, all thanks to Cash4money.

0:14:320:14:37

It couldn't be simpler.

0:14:370:14:39

We give you cash for your unwanted money.

0:14:390:14:43

I realised I had £2,000 just sitting in my safe doing nothing.

0:14:450:14:49

And Cash4money sent me £50.

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That was a lot more than I was expecting.

0:14:510:14:54

There was no annoying paperwork, no pesky contracts and nothing to sign.

0:14:550:15:00

So I sent them every penny I had,

0:15:000:15:02

£212, and received £30 back.

0:15:020:15:07

It couldn't be nicer. Thanks, Cash4money.

0:15:070:15:10

Our team of experts will use their years of experience

0:15:120:15:15

to tell you exactly how much your money is worth.

0:15:150:15:18

I found this pound coin down the back of my sofa.

0:15:180:15:21

What would you say that is worth?

0:15:210:15:23

Eight pence.

0:15:250:15:27

Now I can go on that dream holiday.

0:15:270:15:29

Thanks Cash4money.

0:15:290:15:30

I sent cash for money £70 and they only sent me £12.

0:15:320:15:37

I was not happy.

0:15:370:15:39

So I sent the £12 back and they sent me £3.65.

0:15:390:15:44

Another satisfied customer.

0:15:440:15:47

Thanks, Cash4money.

0:15:470:15:49

And if you're still not 100% satisfied,

0:15:490:15:52

we will keep your money.

0:15:520:15:54

That's the Cash4money promise.

0:15:540:15:57

Cash4money!

0:15:570:15:58

Terms and conditions apply, I'm saying this really fast

0:15:580:16:01

so you can't really understand it, if you send in your money to

0:16:010:16:03

Cash4money and you're not satisfied, you can just bog off.

0:16:030:16:06

Hello and welcome to Home Crafts.

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Now, it's fun throwing dinner parties,

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either as a couple or on your own.

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And decorating the table with your own arts and crafts

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is a wonderful touch, so let's start with napkin rings.

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You can use any kind of brightly coloured material.

0:16:260:16:30

I've chosen one of Peter's designer ties.

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This one was actually an anniversary present.

0:16:340:16:37

It wasn't cheap.

0:16:370:16:39

He wore the night

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he was first "working late".

0:16:410:16:43

So, cut, cut, cut,

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nice, big cuts, just like that.

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And then you're going to plait them together,

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like that, like that, like that,

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hook them round and there,

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we have a gorgeous napkin ring.

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Here are some that I made earlier.

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And I made them from one of Peter's Italian shirts.

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Lovely.

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Now, place mats.

0:17:070:17:09

You need to use something durable and waterproof, like leather.

0:17:090:17:13

I've cut these sections out of the back seats of his Lexus.

0:17:130:17:17

One of the many places Peter and...

0:17:190:17:21

she-who-cannot-be-mentioned did the deed.

0:17:210:17:26

Back of the car, classy, isn't it?

0:17:260:17:30

Obviously give the leather a good wipe down.

0:17:300:17:32

Cos you never know what's been on it.

0:17:340:17:37

Well, I think we all do, you know?

0:17:380:17:41

His sweaty arse bouncing up and down.

0:17:410:17:43

Well, she's welcome to it, that's what I say.

0:17:450:17:47

And finally, to bring a little bit of sparkle to your dinner table,

0:17:470:17:50

you can make your own glitter.

0:17:500:17:52

You need to start with something shiny and gold...

0:17:520:17:56

like Peter's Rolex that he left behind.

0:17:560:17:59

Pop it into a sandwich bag and then, don't be shy,

0:17:590:18:03

give it a jolly good old bash.

0:18:030:18:05

You don't have to use an expensive watch,

0:18:100:18:12

but it does feel much more satisfying.

0:18:120:18:16

And...there we are.

0:18:160:18:18

Now, it's in tiny, tiny pieces...

0:18:180:18:21

..just like our marriage.

0:18:230:18:25

Look at that, beautiful, isn't it?

0:18:260:18:29

Unlike his PA Lydia.

0:18:290:18:31

She's got a great big fat arse and surprisingly hairy hands.

0:18:330:18:37

Goodbye.

0:18:370:18:39

-Happy birthday, Joanna.

-Thank you, darling.

0:18:470:18:51

-Selfie!

-What?

-Cheeky selfie!

0:18:510:18:55

-I'm sorry?

-You're on telly, ain't ya?

-Sometimes.

0:18:550:18:57

Oh, cheeky selfie then!

0:18:570:18:59

Well, OK.

0:18:590:19:01

Oh, bit blurry. Another one.

0:19:010:19:03

You've got a right double chin in that one. Another one?

0:19:030:19:06

-Shall I take it?

-Nah, cos then it wouldn't be a selfie, would it?!

0:19:060:19:10

Another one.

0:19:100:19:12

I'm not smiling in that one. Another one.

0:19:120:19:15

I'm not in that one. Another one.

0:19:150:19:17

You're not in that one. Another one.

0:19:170:19:19

-I think you've got it now.

-One last cheeky selfie!

0:19:190:19:22

Have a lovely evening and goodbye.

0:19:230:19:27

-MOUTHS:

-So sorry!

0:19:270:19:28

-Right, now, more champagne?

-I think so.

0:19:280:19:31

One last thing.

0:19:310:19:32

Who are you?

0:19:320:19:34

Hello there.

0:19:430:19:45

All ready for Christmas?

0:19:450:19:46

Yes, just took the kids to see Satan.

0:19:460:19:49

LAUGHTER

0:19:490:19:51

Satan? Where was this?

0:19:520:19:54

In his ghetto.

0:19:540:19:56

Got some lovely pictures of the kids sitting on Satan's knee.

0:19:560:19:59

Oh, you must be Stanley.

0:19:590:20:02

You're the guy who invented AutoCorrect.

0:20:020:20:04

I certainly Amsterdam.

0:20:040:20:06

Now I get it. You took them to see Santa in his grotto.

0:20:090:20:11

That's what I salad.

0:20:110:20:13

How did you come up with the idea for AutoCorrect?

0:20:150:20:18

-Oh, well, I was a student at Klingon's Collage.

-King's College.

0:20:180:20:21

And it was just as nubile phones were taking awful.

0:20:210:20:24

-And I just had this crazy IKEA.

-Idea.

0:20:240:20:28

Why not make the whole prose of texting much more effluent?

0:20:280:20:32

Efficient!

0:20:320:20:33

And I formed my own company, I've never looked black.

0:20:330:20:36

Black?!

0:20:360:20:38

Back!

0:20:380:20:39

Do I need to squeak more lewdly?

0:20:390:20:41

No. You're squeaking perfectly lewdly.

0:20:410:20:44

I mean, you're speaking perfectly lewdly.

0:20:440:20:46

Loudly!

0:20:460:20:47

I suppose AutoCorrect is everywhere now, isn't it? Did you...

0:20:490:20:53

do well out of it?

0:20:530:20:55

Oh, well, I've got a fair amount of monkey in my bonk account.

0:20:550:20:59

Glass of wind?

0:20:590:21:00

No, thank you.

0:21:000:21:02

So, what do you doo-wop?

0:21:020:21:05

I teach music.

0:21:050:21:07

Oh, classical, rock, jizz?

0:21:070:21:09

-Jazz, mostly.

-Oh, I wouldn't have a sewage roll, if I was you.

0:21:110:21:15

They're very over-cocked.

0:21:150:21:17

Try the chicken sooty.

0:21:170:21:19

Darling!

0:21:190:21:21

Oh.

0:21:210:21:22

It was lovely mating you.

0:21:220:21:23

Enjoy the rest of the farty and have a very Merry Kriss Akabusi.

0:21:230:21:27

Merry Christmas to you, too.

0:21:290:21:30

-Look what I found.

-Oh, wish me luck.

0:21:300:21:34

Got to go kiss the wife under the camel toe.

0:21:340:21:36

-Mistletoe.

-That, too. Coming, dear.

0:21:380:21:41

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

0:21:490:21:51

SHE GASPS

0:21:510:21:53

Hello, welcome to Tanya's Tans.

0:21:530:21:55

Hello.

0:21:550:21:57

My name's Tammy, but you can call me Tam.

0:21:570:22:01

-I'm going on holiday next week and I, er...

-Anywhere nice?

0:22:010:22:04

-Portugal.

-No, then.

0:22:040:22:06

And I just want to be tanned before I leave.

0:22:060:22:09

Hmm, that's quite specialist.

0:22:090:22:11

Let me get Tanya.

0:22:110:22:13

Mum?

0:22:130:22:14

MUM!!

0:22:180:22:20

-Hello and welcome to Tanya's Tans.

-Done that.

0:22:210:22:24

My name is Tanya, you can call me Tan.

0:22:240:22:26

-How can I help you?

-She's going to Portugal.

0:22:260:22:29

-Oh, I'm sorry about that.

-I just want to be tanned before I go.

0:22:290:22:32

All the tans we do here at Tanya's Tans are in the bro-suuure.

0:22:320:22:36

Oh, lovely, I'll have a look at the brochure then.

0:22:360:22:39

-The what?

-The brochure?

0:22:390:22:40

-The what?

-The brochure.

0:22:400:22:43

-The bro-suuure?

-Yes.

0:22:430:22:45

Well, say it, then.

0:22:450:22:48

Er... The, er...

0:22:480:22:50

-bro-suuure?

-Got there in the end.

0:22:500:22:53

Oh, there's a lot here.

0:22:550:22:57

Yeah, we got all the colours, from Orange Glow to Barbecue Teak.

0:22:570:23:02

Er, there so many. It's hard to choose.

0:23:020:23:04

-Southend Sunset is very popular.

-Oh, it's a nice tan, that.

-A lovely tan.

0:23:040:23:07

-Yeah.

-I'm not sure.

-Club Tropicana.

0:23:070:23:10

-Duck L'orange.

-Kumquat.

0:23:100:23:12

-Chicken Korma.

-David Dickinson.

0:23:120:23:15

-Winton's Wonderland.

-Jaundice.

0:23:150:23:16

-Creosote Carnival.

-Golden Shower.

0:23:160:23:19

-Traffic Cone.

-Oompa Loompa.

0:23:190:23:21

-Cheesy Wotsit.

-Orange Is The New Black.

0:23:210:23:24

-Panda Fantasy.

-Runny Fudge.

0:23:240:23:27

-I think I'm going to leave it for today.

-Chutney Fountain?

0:23:270:23:30

-No, really, thank you.

-Doner Kebab?

0:23:300:23:33

No, on second thoughts, I just feel like I want a more natural look.

0:23:330:23:37

-Stuck up cow.

-Sorry?

0:23:370:23:40

It's a type of tan, isn't it, Tam?

0:23:400:23:43

Oh, yeah, yeah, it's a type of tan.

0:23:430:23:46

-The Stuck Up Cow. Yeah.

-Right.

0:23:460:23:49

-Time wasting tart.

-I heard that.

0:23:490:23:51

It's a type of tan!

0:23:510:23:53

Show me in the brochure, then.

0:23:530:23:56

-The what?

-The brochure.

0:23:560:23:59

The what?

0:23:590:24:01

-MOCKINGLY:

-The bro-suuuure.

0:24:010:24:03

Look, it's there.

0:24:060:24:07

I hope you get burned on your holidays, you pasty old trollop.

0:24:090:24:13

How dare you!

0:24:130:24:15

-BOTH:

-It's a type of tan!

0:24:150:24:17

OK, daughter, The Three Little Pigs.

0:24:240:24:27

Oh, I love this one, Daddy.

0:24:270:24:29

Please, questions and comments at the end.

0:24:290:24:32

"Once upon a time, there were three little pigs."

0:24:320:24:36

Oh, there's a lot of info here we don't have time to eyeball right now.

0:24:360:24:39

So let me just give you the bullet points.

0:24:390:24:41

Pigs built houses.

0:24:410:24:43

Pig A, straw. Pig B, sticks. Pig C, bricks.

0:24:430:24:47

I think we can see where this is going.

0:24:470:24:49

-Oh, what a surprise, there's a wolf.

-Is he a big, bad wolf?

0:24:490:24:52

Like in banking, good and bad doesn't come into it.

0:24:520:24:54

The wolf's primary short-term objective is to eat pigs,

0:24:540:24:58

so the word I would use is focused.

0:24:580:25:01

But if the pigs know that there's a wolf, then why does the first pig...

0:25:010:25:04

-Pig A.

-Then why does Pig A build his house out of straw?

0:25:040:25:08

Er...

0:25:080:25:11

I'm not actually across that. Let me get the office onto it.

0:25:110:25:14

Hi, Janice.

0:25:160:25:17

I'm just walking through The Three Little Pigs thing

0:25:170:25:20

with my daughter and a question has come up.

0:25:200:25:22

A bloody good one. Where are we on the Pig A's straw house strategy?

0:25:220:25:27

Well, then, can you get Steve onto that?... He's on the Redeye.

0:25:290:25:32

Well, tell him as soon as he lands in New York to get his ass in gear

0:25:320:25:35

and get back to me ASAP.

0:25:350:25:38

Steve's on to it. OK, so let's just close this.

0:25:380:25:41

I know your time is important, mine certainly is.

0:25:410:25:44

Huff, puff, house down. Huff puff, house down.

0:25:440:25:46

Huff puff, quelle surprise, house intact.

0:25:460:25:48

Wolf thinks outside the box, climbs down the chimney,

0:25:480:25:51

ends up in a large cooking vessel, pigs eat him.

0:25:510:25:54

Complete turnaround, total 180, the end. Happiness?

0:25:540:25:58

-Can you read another one?

-No can do. Diary's a shocker.

0:25:580:26:02

But let's put in another one of these for next month.

0:26:020:26:05

Thanks, Dad. It's been really lovely having story time with you.

0:26:050:26:09

You know...if ever there's anything you need to talk about,

0:26:140:26:18

anything at all...

0:26:180:26:20

..here are the deets.

0:26:210:26:22

Janice can reach me 24/7.

0:26:240:26:27

-Good night, Dad. I love you.

-Ditto.

0:26:270:26:29

PHONE ALERT

0:26:290:26:30

Ah, just had an e-mail from Steve RE: the straw house inquiry.

0:26:300:26:35

He says it is most likely a risk assessment failure.

0:26:350:26:38

Ciao.

0:26:380:26:39

Lady Asgrith, I can scarcely believe that Mr Oscar Wilde himself

0:26:440:26:48

has accepted this invitation to take tea with us.

0:26:480:26:50

He's quite simply the wittiest man in London.

0:26:500:26:53

I have read so much about his quips and aphorisms

0:26:530:26:56

and longed to hear them in person.

0:26:560:26:59

Mr Oscar Wilde.

0:26:590:27:01

Oh, Mr Wilde!

0:27:040:27:06

These are my beloved friends, Lady Harrington, Lady Ponsonbury

0:27:060:27:11

and may I introduce Her Grace the Duchess of Shrewsbury?

0:27:110:27:14

My mother-in-law.

0:27:140:27:16

I'm not saying my mother-in-law's ugly...

0:27:160:27:19

but when she sits on the sand, cats try to bury her.

0:27:190:27:23

LADIES LAUGH UNCOMFORTABLY

0:27:280:27:31

Poor lady, being mistaken for some cat doings!

0:27:310:27:35

Apologies, Mr Wilde. Pray, continue.

0:27:370:27:39

Have you been keeping well?

0:27:390:27:41

So I went to the doctors the other day.

0:27:410:27:44

I said, "Doctor, have you got anything for persistent wind?"

0:27:440:27:48

And he said, "Yes, have this kite."

0:27:480:27:51

I myself suffer terribly from the gas.

0:27:540:27:57

SHE FAKES A FART

0:27:570:27:59

Stop being so crude in front of Mr Wilde!

0:27:590:28:02

-Do continue.

-Got another one for you.

0:28:020:28:05

What's long, pink and shoved in tarts?

0:28:050:28:09

Oh, a riddle from Mr Wilde!

0:28:090:28:12

Oh, pray tell us, what is long, pink and shoved in tarts?

0:28:120:28:16

Is it, per chance, a gentleman's organ?

0:28:160:28:18

LADIES GASP

0:28:180:28:20

I was going to say a rhubarb, you filthy cow!

0:28:230:28:26

Lady Harrington!

0:28:270:28:30

You have debased this afternoon's tea with your obscene interruptions

0:28:300:28:34

and what is worse, you have offended Mr Oscar Wilde.

0:28:340:28:37

-Please, forgive me.

-You must leave London immediately.

0:28:370:28:41

Mr Wilde, my sincere apologies for making reference to a shlong.

0:28:450:28:50

LAUGHTER

0:28:500:28:52

Please rest assured, she'll be banished from polite society.

0:28:530:28:57

Now, I implore you to charm us

0:28:570:28:59

with another one of your enchanting epigrams.

0:28:590:29:02

Two poofs walk into a pub...

0:29:020:29:04

Taxi!

0:29:090:29:11

-Where to, Ms Lumley?

-Heathrow Airport, please, and hurry!

0:29:130:29:17

Selfie?

0:29:170:29:19

-Cheeky selfie.

-Oh, it's you again.

-Yeah, we did a cheeky selfie.

0:29:190:29:22

What do you want now?

0:29:220:29:24

Cheeky selfie.

0:29:240:29:25

No, but I'm running very late for my flight.

0:29:250:29:27

Well, in the time it took you to tell me you're running very late

0:29:270:29:30

for your flight, we could have done a cheeky selfie.

0:29:300:29:32

OK, we'll do a cheeky selfie, but very quickly.

0:29:320:29:35

BEEP Oh, memory card full.

0:29:350:29:37

Got to delete some.

0:29:370:29:39

Keep that.

0:29:390:29:40

Keep that. Could... No, keep that.

0:29:400:29:45

That's a picture of me washing machine.

0:29:450:29:47

-Keep that.

-Look, I'm sorry, I really do have to go now.

0:29:470:29:50

All right, get over yourself, it's just a cheeky selfie.

0:29:500:29:53

BEEP Oh, battery's died.

0:29:530:29:56

Just let me turn it on and off.

0:29:560:29:59

It takes quite a while.

0:29:590:30:01

Have you got a charger?

0:30:050:30:07

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:30:100:30:12

New boy band Uptown Boys here to see you, sir?

0:30:120:30:15

Oh, great, send them in.

0:30:150:30:17

-Wesley.

-Hey.

-Tyler.

-Hi.

-Pecs.

-Hi.

0:30:170:30:22

And, er... Mrs Papapopolous.

0:30:220:30:25

Sit down, boys and...

0:30:310:30:33

Ms Papapopolous.

0:30:330:30:34

First of all, we just want to say, thanks for seeing us.

0:30:370:30:40

I mean, we really feel like we're ready for the big time.

0:30:400:30:42

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we just want to take Uptown Boys to the next level.

0:30:420:30:45

-So it's all four of you in this band?

-Yeah.

0:30:450:30:48

Yeah, yeah, Uptown Boys has always been about the four of us.

0:30:480:30:51

I mean, we're a gang.

0:30:510:30:52

So how did you all meet?

0:30:540:30:55

Oh, I mean, we've just sort of been friends for ages, really.

0:30:550:30:58

I mean, I didn't really know...

0:30:580:31:00

Pecs, but...

0:31:000:31:02

No, but me and Mrs Papapopolous kind of started it.

0:31:020:31:05

We were in the same class at school.

0:31:050:31:07

Let's have a reality check here. The image is all wrong.

0:31:080:31:12

-You don't like the shirts?

-It's not the shirts.

0:31:140:31:17

Uptown Boys isn't just about the image.

0:31:170:31:20

We are really passionate about the music.

0:31:200:31:22

Then let me hear you sing.

0:31:220:31:24

-OK.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:31:240:31:26

# Although we've come to the end of the road

0:31:350:31:39

MRS PAPAPOPOLOUS MUMBLES TUNELESSLY

0:31:390:31:41

# Still I can't let you go

0:31:410:31:45

# It's unnatural, you belong to me

0:31:450:31:50

# I belong to you, whoa. #

0:31:500:31:52

OK, I'm going to stop you there.

0:31:520:31:54

MRS PAPAPOPOLOUS KEEPS MUMBLING

0:31:540:31:56

I said I've heard enough.

0:31:560:31:58

One of you was singing very off key.

0:32:000:32:04

-Oh, I'm sorry, I've got a bit of a cold.

-It wasn't you.

0:32:040:32:07

OK, tell me what each one of you brings to this band.

0:32:100:32:13

Mrs Papapopolous, she has got all of the moves.

0:32:130:32:16

Richard, check this.

0:32:160:32:19

SHE MUMBLES TUNELESSLY

0:32:190:32:23

I think I've seen enough.

0:32:350:32:37

Look, we just get on so well.

0:32:370:32:41

-We're a bit like a family.

-So let's get this straight.

0:32:410:32:45

If I was to sign Uptown Boys, it would have to be all four of you?

0:32:450:32:50

Yeah, I mean, we said from the very beginning

0:32:500:32:53

that it's the four of us or nothing, so...

0:32:530:32:55

Then it's a no.

0:32:570:33:00

Oh, well...

0:33:020:33:05

thanks for your time.

0:33:050:33:06

SHE MUMBLES ANGRILY

0:33:070:33:10

Mrs Papapopolous...

0:33:150:33:18

can you stay behind, please?

0:33:180:33:20

You are the real star of this band.

0:33:200:33:22

I want to sign you as a solo artist.

0:33:230:33:25

SHE MUMBLES EXCITEDLY

0:33:250:33:30

That's the first single!

0:33:320:33:35

And that's how you make the perfect choux pastry.

0:33:350:33:38

And, cut! That's a wrap.

0:33:380:33:41

Is it me or is it hot in here?

0:33:450:33:48

You make it hot, Paul.

0:33:480:33:50

LAUGHTER

0:33:500:33:52

Stop it, Mary!

0:33:520:33:54

I can't fight what I feel any longer.

0:33:550:33:58

Now I'm getting really hot.

0:34:000:34:01

Why did you have to wear that pink blouse today?

0:34:030:34:06

Because you said it made me look like a naughty fondant fancy.

0:34:060:34:09

You master baker!

0:34:110:34:12

I master bake thinking about you.

0:34:150:34:17

Well, think on this, Paul.

0:34:200:34:22

No-one can make a Victoria sponge as moist as you can.

0:34:220:34:26

Please, Mary, we can't do this now.

0:34:280:34:31

What if Mel or Sue walk in?

0:34:310:34:33

Then let them watch!

0:34:330:34:34

Dirty, Mary!

0:34:350:34:38

You know when you said that custard tart had a soggy bottom?

0:34:380:34:41

All I could think about was you making my bottom soggy.

0:34:410:34:44

That's what I wanted you to think, you naughty cake-muncher!

0:34:450:34:49

Did you like it when I ate that chocolate eclair, Paul?

0:34:500:34:54

Of course I did, Mary. Amazing technique.

0:34:540:34:57

You looked me straight in the eyes,

0:34:570:34:59

wrapped your lips around it and sucked out all the cream.

0:34:590:35:03

A woman of my age knows her way around an eclair, Paul.

0:35:050:35:09

-And I know my way around a pair of buns.

-Sticky buns?

0:35:090:35:12

They will be when I'm finished with them.

0:35:120:35:15

You can't keep doing this to me, Paul!

0:35:150:35:17

You know I have a weakness for chubby Scousers with goatee beards.

0:35:170:35:21

-Tonight's the night, Mary!

-Paul, we can't!

0:35:210:35:24

At midnight, I'm going to knock on your hotel room door

0:35:240:35:27

wearing only a ring doughnut.

0:35:270:35:30

Two ring doughnuts?

0:35:330:35:34

Probably just be the one.

0:35:360:35:37

I'll invite you in and then what will happen?

0:35:410:35:44

I'll nibble on your meringues.

0:35:440:35:45

-I guarantee the peaks will be stiff.

-My muffin will rise.

0:35:450:35:49

I want some of your hot, sweet Hollywood custard!

0:35:490:35:52

Where do you want it, Mary?

0:35:520:35:53

Drizzled all over my hot apple strudel!

0:35:530:35:56

I don't know what you mean by that.

0:35:570:36:00

But you're making me hotter than a spicy ginger cake.

0:36:000:36:04

I'm nearly cooked.

0:36:040:36:05

And I'm a gas mark five.

0:36:050:36:07

-On your marks...

-Get set...

0:36:070:36:09

BOTH: Bake!

0:36:090:36:11

APPLAUSE

0:36:130:36:16

Well, that's it from the newsroom.

0:36:160:36:18

All that remains is for us to wish you all goodnight.

0:36:180:36:20

From me, Jenny Mathis...

0:36:200:36:22

-And from me, Mark Monroe, goodnight.

-Goodnight.

0:36:220:36:25

Sorry, I always do the last goodnight.

0:36:250:36:28

Yes, well I thought it was my turn now.

0:36:280:36:30

Yeah, but I'm the senior newsreader, so I do it.

0:36:300:36:32

-Goodnight.

-N'night.

0:36:320:36:33

Don't!

0:36:330:36:35

What if I said "N'night"?

0:36:350:36:37

Saying "N'night" is exactly the same as saying "Goodnight".

0:36:370:36:39

-It's not.

-It is.

-What does it matter who says...?

0:36:390:36:42

If it doesn't matter then I'll do it.

0:36:420:36:44

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

-Right...

0:36:440:36:45

Don't say anything at all, OK?

0:36:470:36:48

Do not utter another word.

0:36:500:36:51

Well, that's it from us in the newsroom.

0:36:560:36:58

-All that remains for us to do is...

-Goodnight.

-Right, get out.

0:36:580:37:02

-You're not serious.

-Yeah, seriously, get out. Go.

0:37:030:37:06

Pffft.

0:37:060:37:08

You don't need to do that.

0:37:110:37:12

I was going to leave anyway!

0:37:160:37:18

Has she gone?

0:37:200:37:21

We're back at the same time tomorrow but for now, from me -

0:37:220:37:26

and just me alone - let me wish you...

0:37:260:37:28

Goodnight!

0:37:280:37:29

APPLAUSE

0:37:320:37:34

Hello, and welcome to Britain's Greatest Buildings.

0:37:380:37:41

Over the next ten weeks I shall be visiting some of this country's...

0:37:410:37:45

Selfie? Cheeky selfie?

0:37:450:37:47

I'm in the middle of filming! We've already done lots of selfies.

0:37:470:37:50

-But I've got a stick now, though, ain't I?

-I don't care.

0:37:500:37:53

Don't be a dick.

0:37:530:37:54

-I'm not going to be spoken to like that and no more selfies.

-Fine.

0:37:540:37:57

-Cheeky one?

-No, go away.

0:37:570:37:59

Right, I'm going to go on Twitter right now

0:37:590:38:02

and tell everyone how stuck up yourself you are.

0:38:020:38:05

What's your name?

0:38:050:38:07

Jennifer Saunders.

0:38:070:38:08

APPLAUSE

0:38:110:38:13

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