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I'm the head of the BBC. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
I'm here to apologise about the product placement in tonight's show. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:08 | |
At the BBC, we're not allowed to give any products undue prominence, | 0:00:08 | 0:00:12 | |
so if a brand is featured, we have a duty to also mention its competitors. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:18 | |
I know some of you may think we live in a PC world. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:22 | |
Dixons. Currys Digital. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
But we really must clamp down on the mention of all brands, | 0:00:24 | 0:00:27 | |
however innocent. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:29 | |
Tropicana. Fruit Shoots. | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
This needs to be done in a flash. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
Cif. Cillit Bang. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
To get this wrong is something we just cannot afford. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:39 | |
A Toyota. A Vauxhall. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
We are sure - | 0:00:42 | 0:00:43 | |
Lynx, Right Guard - if we stick to these rules, | 0:00:43 | 0:00:46 | |
we'll come up smelling of roses. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
Celebrations. Quality Street. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
A public broadcaster of our pedigree - | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
Iams, Winalot Prime - cannot foster - | 0:00:54 | 0:00:58 | |
Carling, Special Brew - this kind of attitude. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:02 | |
Gay Times. Boyz magazine. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
Thank you for listening, | 0:01:04 | 0:01:05 | |
and we at the BBC promise to abide by these rules always. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:09 | |
Tampax. Lil-lets. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:12 | 0:01:16 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
DRAMATIC GAME SHOW THEME MUSIC | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
Welcome to Brain Power, the show that... | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
BUZZER Puts your general knowledge to the test. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:45 | 0:01:48 | |
Don't buzz in yet. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
Understood. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:51 | |
The show that puts your general knowledge to the test. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
Let's meet the contestants. Hello. So, what's your name? | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
BUZZER Matthew Wilkins. | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
-No need to buzz. There's no point for this. -Understood. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
And where are you from? | 0:02:04 | 0:02:05 | |
BUZZER Chesham! | 0:02:05 | 0:02:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
Again, this is just a chat, as I say. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
-No need to buzz. -Understood. -And who's playing against Matthew today? | 0:02:11 | 0:02:15 | |
BUZZER Sheila. We just met. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
Her name's Sheila. LAUGHTER | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
-I was asking Sheila. -Understood. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
So, Sheila, where are you from? | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
BUZZER Isle of Wight. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:26 | 0:02:27 | |
Please. Let Sheila answer. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:29 | |
Bromley. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
-She shouldn't get a point for that. -She's not going to. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
We haven't started the actual quiz yet. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
Understood. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
Well, Sheila, I understand that something rather funny | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
happened to you on the way to the studio today. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
BUZZER All her clothes fell off. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
What did I just say? | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
BUZZER | 0:02:49 | 0:02:50 | |
-Not to buzz. -Correct. Sheila. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
Yeah, so I called a taxi, and when I got in... | 0:02:53 | 0:02:57 | |
BUZZER It exploded. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
-No. -It smelt of eggs. -No, I... | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
All her clothes fell off. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
Let Sheila...tell her story! | 0:03:03 | 0:03:07 | |
Understood. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
Thank you. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
Erm, so, the taxi driver turned out to be my very first boyfriend. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:17 | |
HE LAUGHS INSINCERELY | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
-Oh, isn't that funny? -BUZZER | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
Not especially. LAUGHTER | 0:03:22 | 0:03:26 | |
Just stop buzzing, OK?! | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
I haven't actually asked a quiz question yet! | 0:03:28 | 0:03:32 | |
Understood. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
It's time to play Brain Power! | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
APPLAUSE AND DRAMATIC MUSIC | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
First question. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
What is the capital of New Zealand? | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
-Wellington. -You've got to buzz first. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
-BUZZER -Wellington? -Correct. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
That's not fair, you told me not to buzz! | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
The quiz has started, you can buzz now. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
BUZZER | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
Not now! When I've asked a question. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
Oh, this show is very complicated. The rules keep changing. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
They don't! | 0:04:06 | 0:04:07 | |
OK. Question two. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
So, fingers on buzzers. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
BUZZER | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
Not fingers ON buzzers. Fingers over buzzers. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:19 | |
OK! | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
Question two. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:22 | |
-Which... -BUZZER | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
Photosynthesis. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
Wait till I've finished! | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
You can't possibly know the answer. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
Understood. LAUGHTER | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
Which country... | 0:04:37 | 0:04:38 | |
-BUZZER France. -Which country... | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
-Spain. -Which country... -Democratic Republic of Congo. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
-(ANGRILY) Which country... -BUZZER | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
JUST LET ME FINISH THE QUESTION! | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
Which country... | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
BUZZER | 0:04:53 | 0:04:54 | |
-Belgium? -Not you as well! | 0:04:54 | 0:04:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
-BUZZER -Sorry. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
This isn't going to work, is it? | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
The two of you are ruining the show. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
You proud of yourselves? | 0:05:08 | 0:05:09 | |
BUZZER Midsomer Murders! | 0:05:09 | 0:05:11 | |
BUZZER John Major. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:13 | |
No! | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
Sorry, show's over! Happy?! | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
That's it from this week's Brain Power. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
Good night! | 0:05:20 | 0:05:22 | |
BUZZER Fifty Shades of Grey. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
-BUZZER -Duran Duran. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:26 | |
BUZZER Homer's The Odyssey. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:28 | |
-BUZZER -The Flintstones. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:29 | |
BUZZER Noel's Telly Addicts. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
'Joanna Lumley is one of the busiest stars in Britain. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:36 | |
'But how does she find time to do all her wonderful work? | 0:05:36 | 0:05:41 | |
Well, for the first time, | 0:05:41 | 0:05:43 | |
we can reveal that Joanna has help from a rather special team... | 0:05:43 | 0:05:48 | |
A team of Joanna Lumleys. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
-Good morning, Lumleys. -ALL: Good morning, Chief. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
Now, as ever, we have a very busy week ahead of us. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
Now, Funny Lumley. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
Yes, sweetie. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:02 | |
Ab Fab the movie - how are you finding getting back into character? | 0:06:02 | 0:06:06 | |
Well, it's not easy, darling. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:07 | |
Patsy couldn't be more different from me. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
Yeah, all this drinking and smoking, | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
I really had to cut down for the role. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
Thank you. So, Do-Gooder Lumley. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
Yes? | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
-I need you to go to Number 10 this afternoon. -Oh, what is it? | 0:06:19 | 0:06:24 | |
The Gurkhas again? | 0:06:24 | 0:06:25 | |
No, this is for cats who suffer from low self-esteem. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
Oh, poor things. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
Anything I can do to raise the profile of this awful affliction. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:36 | |
-Any news on the Damehood? -No, not a peep. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:40 | |
ALL MUMBLE UNHAPPILY | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
Now, Voice-Over Lumley. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:44 | |
Voice-Over Lumley? | 0:06:45 | 0:06:46 | |
Sorry, I was just enjoying the rich, dark taste | 0:06:49 | 0:06:53 | |
of this smooth, sensual instant coffee. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
Pure indulgence in a cup. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
Today's advert is for Toilet Duck. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
It'll be a challenge, | 0:07:03 | 0:07:04 | |
but I'm sure I can bring an erotic charge to the word... | 0:07:04 | 0:07:08 | |
U-bend. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
Good. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:11 | |
-Now, Totty Lumley. -Yes? | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
You're off to Hull this weekend for a Bond Girl convention. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
And please, this time, | 0:07:19 | 0:07:20 | |
try not to get into a bitch-fight with Honor Blackman. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
-Diana Riggs started it. -Always does! | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
So everyone knows what we're doing? | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
-ALL: Yes, Chief. -Then let's finish with the pledge. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:32 | |
ALL: We, Joanna Lumley, do solemnly swear | 0:07:35 | 0:07:39 | |
to be the best actress/presenter/crumpet | 0:07:39 | 0:07:44 | |
we can possibly be. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
We promise to bring light and hope into this world, | 0:07:47 | 0:07:51 | |
while always looking utterly ravishing. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:55 | |
Chernoff is boarding a train to Geneva. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
Of course, that's where the NATO summit is. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
Chernoff is going to kill the Secretary-General! | 0:08:07 | 0:08:09 | |
Minister, I've got my best man on the ground. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:12 | |
Bond, get on that train. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:13 | |
Well, buy one from the ticket machine. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
"It's all in foreign." Well, run over to the ticket desk. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:23 | |
No, don't be shy just cos the lady's pretty. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
I expect your wallet's in your bum-bag. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:30 | |
Then you'll just have to seduce the ticket lady, so kiss her, Bond! | 0:08:31 | 0:08:36 | |
She smells of crisps?! | 0:08:36 | 0:08:39 | |
Just take the ticket and run. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:41 | |
No, I don't think there's time to get sweets. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
They should have a food trolley on the train. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
I-I don't know - sausage rolls, sandwiches? | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
A selection of hot and cold snacks. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
The Admiral says there's normally a selection of hot and cold snacks. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:57 | |
Well, when you get there, just say you don't like egg | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
and they won't give you egg! | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
For goodness' sake, Bond, Chernoff's getting away! | 0:09:01 | 0:09:04 | |
No, I'm not cross with you. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
No, the Minister's not cross with you. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
The Admiral's not cross with you, we're not cross with you. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
GUNFIRE | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
Well, then, shoot her back. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:18 | |
Take the shot, take the bloody shot! | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
GUNFIRE | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
You shot a nun?! | 0:09:27 | 0:09:28 | |
Well, just to say sorry to the other nuns and get on the train. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
Bond's in the same carriage as Chernoff. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
No, he's an assassin, of course he's got a gun! Wrestle it off him! | 0:09:38 | 0:09:42 | |
GUNSHOT, LOUD SCREAMING | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
-Chernoff is dead! -At last. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
No, don't be sad. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:51 | |
Yes, Chernoff will have had a mummy and a daddy, but he was a BAD MAN! | 0:09:53 | 0:09:57 | |
No, don't cry, don't cry. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
Big, brave Bond! | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
BOTH: Big, brave Bond. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
Big, brave Bond! | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
Yes. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
Yes, now would be a good time to get some sweeties. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:19 | |
So, how is your marriage? | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
Well, I think when you've been married for, what, 25 years, | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
you end up being able to finish each other's... | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
..wine. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
-OK, I was going to say sentences. -Oh. -Sentences, yeah. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:35 | |
I mean, it's uncanny. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:36 | |
We know each other so well, we can read each other's... | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
-..text messages. -No! -E-mails? | 0:10:39 | 0:10:40 | |
-No. -WhatsApp? -No, minds! | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
-Oh. -Read each other's minds. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
I mean, when you spend so much time together, | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
you get to this point where you're completely in... | 0:10:48 | 0:10:50 | |
..different to each other. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
In sync with each other. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
We can always tell what each other's... | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
-..secretly plotting. -Thinking! | 0:10:56 | 0:10:59 | |
And I always say, got to be able to laugh together, yeah? | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
We can laugh together. So it's great that we share a sense of... | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
-..foreboding. -Humour. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:06 | |
I think what keeps me and Carol's relationship so fresh | 0:11:07 | 0:11:10 | |
is that we've got this really strong... | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
..man next door who exercises in his cycling shorts. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:17 | |
-No, I was going to say "Really strong bond." -Oh. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
I mean, yes, we're husband and wife, but... | 0:11:20 | 0:11:23 | |
more importantly, we're best... | 0:11:23 | 0:11:25 | |
-..off without each other. -No, best... | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
-..sleeping in separate rooms? -No, best... | 0:11:28 | 0:11:30 | |
-..ending this pointless charade. -No, best friends. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
-We're actually very lucky. -Oh. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
Cos we're both found our soul... Maaa.... | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
BOTH: Mate. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:40 | |
That's right, Carol. You see, we're like two peas in a... | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
..deeply unhappy marriage. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
Pod. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:47 | |
-Oh. -Pod... | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
-Is this Liars Anonymous? -No. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:01 | |
Good. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:02 | |
-Anyone sitting here? -Yes. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
Thanks. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:06 | |
OK, so we're all here. Let's begin. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:12 | |
I'm Sue and, as always, I'll be leading today's session. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
No, Jackie, we've been through all that. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
Hello, I'm Sue and I'm leading today's session. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
Shall we introduce ourselves? | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
Er, my name's Richard, | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
I'm 19 | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
and I'm a bikini model. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
OK... Jackie. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:33 | |
Oh, Jackie couldn't be here tonight. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:35 | |
Thank you, Jackie. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
And you're new, aren't you? | 0:12:38 | 0:12:39 | |
No, I've been coming here for years. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
What's your name? | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
Laquisha. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
Well, then, what is NOT your name? | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
-Paul. -Paul! -Damnit. -Thank you, Paul. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
So, for our first exercise, I want everyone to make a short statement | 0:12:52 | 0:12:56 | |
that does not contain a lie. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
-I am married... -Good. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
..to Prince Charles. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
So close. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
Jackie? | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
I am a liarrrr...on. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:13 | |
I am a lion. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
Rawr. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:18 | |
-I've got one. -Yes, Paul? | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
-I... -Yes? | 0:13:20 | 0:13:21 | |
-..cannot... -Yes, go on. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
..grow a moustache! | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
Can we remember why we're here? | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
To learn Spanish. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
OK, I'm going to ask you a question and please, please don't lie. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:39 | |
Is anyone actually finding this helpful? | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
-Oh, yes, yeah! -Of course. -Absolutely. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
You are really good at what you do. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
Oh, right. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
Well, let's try something completely different. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
Sorry I'm late. I'm Sue, I'll be leading today's...session. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
Have you got money lying around the house | 0:14:11 | 0:14:14 | |
that you want to turn into cash? | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
I discovered that I had £25 just gathering dust. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:21 | |
All you have to do is put it in an envelope and send it to us | 0:14:21 | 0:14:26 | |
at Cash4money. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:28 | |
So I sent off the £25 and, just six months later, | 0:14:28 | 0:14:32 | |
I received a check for £12, all thanks to Cash4money. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:37 | |
It couldn't be simpler. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
We give you cash for your unwanted money. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:43 | |
I realised I had £2,000 just sitting in my safe doing nothing. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:49 | |
And Cash4money sent me £50. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:51 | |
That was a lot more than I was expecting. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:54 | |
There was no annoying paperwork, no pesky contracts and nothing to sign. | 0:14:55 | 0:15:00 | |
So I sent them every penny I had, | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
£212, and received £30 back. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:07 | |
It couldn't be nicer. Thanks, Cash4money. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
Our team of experts will use their years of experience | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
to tell you exactly how much your money is worth. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
I found this pound coin down the back of my sofa. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:21 | |
What would you say that is worth? | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
Eight pence. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
Now I can go on that dream holiday. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:29 | |
Thanks Cash4money. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:30 | |
I sent cash for money £70 and they only sent me £12. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:37 | |
I was not happy. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:39 | |
So I sent the £12 back and they sent me £3.65. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:44 | |
Another satisfied customer. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
Thanks, Cash4money. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
And if you're still not 100% satisfied, | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
we will keep your money. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:54 | |
That's the Cash4money promise. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:57 | |
Cash4money! | 0:15:57 | 0:15:58 | |
Terms and conditions apply, I'm saying this really fast | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
so you can't really understand it, if you send in your money to | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
Cash4money and you're not satisfied, you can just bog off. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
Hello and welcome to Home Crafts. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
Now, it's fun throwing dinner parties, | 0:16:13 | 0:16:16 | |
either as a couple or on your own. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
And decorating the table with your own arts and crafts | 0:16:19 | 0:16:23 | |
is a wonderful touch, so let's start with napkin rings. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
You can use any kind of brightly coloured material. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:30 | |
I've chosen one of Peter's designer ties. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
This one was actually an anniversary present. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:37 | |
It wasn't cheap. | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
He wore the night | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
he was first "working late". | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
So, cut, cut, cut, | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
nice, big cuts, just like that. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:50 | |
And then you're going to plait them together, | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
like that, like that, like that, | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
hook them round and there, | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
we have a gorgeous napkin ring. | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
Here are some that I made earlier. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
And I made them from one of Peter's Italian shirts. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:06 | |
Lovely. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:07 | |
Now, place mats. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
You need to use something durable and waterproof, like leather. | 0:17:09 | 0:17:13 | |
I've cut these sections out of the back seats of his Lexus. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:17 | |
One of the many places Peter and... | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
she-who-cannot-be-mentioned did the deed. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:26 | |
Back of the car, classy, isn't it? | 0:17:26 | 0:17:30 | |
Obviously give the leather a good wipe down. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
Cos you never know what's been on it. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
Well, I think we all do, you know? | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
His sweaty arse bouncing up and down. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
Well, she's welcome to it, that's what I say. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
And finally, to bring a little bit of sparkle to your dinner table, | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
you can make your own glitter. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
You need to start with something shiny and gold... | 0:17:52 | 0:17:56 | |
like Peter's Rolex that he left behind. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
Pop it into a sandwich bag and then, don't be shy, | 0:17:59 | 0:18:03 | |
give it a jolly good old bash. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
You don't have to use an expensive watch, | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
but it does feel much more satisfying. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:16 | |
And...there we are. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
Now, it's in tiny, tiny pieces... | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
..just like our marriage. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
Look at that, beautiful, isn't it? | 0:18:26 | 0:18:29 | |
Unlike his PA Lydia. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
She's got a great big fat arse and surprisingly hairy hands. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:37 | |
Goodbye. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:39 | |
-Happy birthday, Joanna. -Thank you, darling. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:51 | |
-Selfie! -What? -Cheeky selfie! | 0:18:51 | 0:18:55 | |
-I'm sorry? -You're on telly, ain't ya? -Sometimes. | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
Oh, cheeky selfie then! | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
Well, OK. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
Oh, bit blurry. Another one. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
You've got a right double chin in that one. Another one? | 0:19:03 | 0:19:06 | |
-Shall I take it? -Nah, cos then it wouldn't be a selfie, would it?! | 0:19:06 | 0:19:10 | |
Another one. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
I'm not smiling in that one. Another one. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
I'm not in that one. Another one. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
You're not in that one. Another one. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
-I think you've got it now. -One last cheeky selfie! | 0:19:19 | 0:19:22 | |
Have a lovely evening and goodbye. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:27 | |
-MOUTHS: -So sorry! | 0:19:27 | 0:19:28 | |
-Right, now, more champagne? -I think so. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
One last thing. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:32 | |
Who are you? | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
Hello there. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:45 | |
All ready for Christmas? | 0:19:45 | 0:19:46 | |
Yes, just took the kids to see Satan. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:49 | 0:19:51 | |
Satan? Where was this? | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
In his ghetto. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
Got some lovely pictures of the kids sitting on Satan's knee. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
Oh, you must be Stanley. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
You're the guy who invented AutoCorrect. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:04 | |
I certainly Amsterdam. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
Now I get it. You took them to see Santa in his grotto. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
That's what I salad. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:13 | |
How did you come up with the idea for AutoCorrect? | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
-Oh, well, I was a student at Klingon's Collage. -King's College. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:21 | |
And it was just as nubile phones were taking awful. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
-And I just had this crazy IKEA. -Idea. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:28 | |
Why not make the whole prose of texting much more effluent? | 0:20:28 | 0:20:32 | |
Efficient! | 0:20:32 | 0:20:33 | |
And I formed my own company, I've never looked black. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
Black?! | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
Back! | 0:20:38 | 0:20:39 | |
Do I need to squeak more lewdly? | 0:20:39 | 0:20:41 | |
No. You're squeaking perfectly lewdly. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
I mean, you're speaking perfectly lewdly. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
Loudly! | 0:20:46 | 0:20:47 | |
I suppose AutoCorrect is everywhere now, isn't it? Did you... | 0:20:49 | 0:20:53 | |
do well out of it? | 0:20:53 | 0:20:55 | |
Oh, well, I've got a fair amount of monkey in my bonk account. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:59 | |
Glass of wind? | 0:20:59 | 0:21:00 | |
No, thank you. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
So, what do you doo-wop? | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
I teach music. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
Oh, classical, rock, jizz? | 0:21:07 | 0:21:09 | |
-Jazz, mostly. -Oh, I wouldn't have a sewage roll, if I was you. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:15 | |
They're very over-cocked. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:17 | |
Try the chicken sooty. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:19 | |
Darling! | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
Oh. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:22 | |
It was lovely mating you. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:23 | |
Enjoy the rest of the farty and have a very Merry Kriss Akabusi. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:27 | |
Merry Christmas to you, too. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:30 | |
-Look what I found. -Oh, wish me luck. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:34 | |
Got to go kiss the wife under the camel toe. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:36 | |
-Mistletoe. -That, too. Coming, dear. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
SHE GASPS | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
Hello, welcome to Tanya's Tans. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:55 | |
Hello. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
My name's Tammy, but you can call me Tam. | 0:21:57 | 0:22:01 | |
-I'm going on holiday next week and I, er... -Anywhere nice? | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
-Portugal. -No, then. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
And I just want to be tanned before I leave. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:09 | |
Hmm, that's quite specialist. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
Let me get Tanya. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
Mum? | 0:22:13 | 0:22:14 | |
MUM!! | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
-Hello and welcome to Tanya's Tans. -Done that. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:24 | |
My name is Tanya, you can call me Tan. | 0:22:24 | 0:22:26 | |
-How can I help you? -She's going to Portugal. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
-Oh, I'm sorry about that. -I just want to be tanned before I go. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:32 | |
All the tans we do here at Tanya's Tans are in the bro-suuure. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:36 | |
Oh, lovely, I'll have a look at the brochure then. | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
-The what? -The brochure? | 0:22:39 | 0:22:40 | |
-The what? -The brochure. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:43 | |
-The bro-suuure? -Yes. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
Well, say it, then. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
Er... The, er... | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
-bro-suuure? -Got there in the end. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:53 | |
Oh, there's a lot here. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
Yeah, we got all the colours, from Orange Glow to Barbecue Teak. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:02 | |
Er, there so many. It's hard to choose. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
-Southend Sunset is very popular. -Oh, it's a nice tan, that. -A lovely tan. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
-Yeah. -I'm not sure. -Club Tropicana. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
-Duck L'orange. -Kumquat. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
-Chicken Korma. -David Dickinson. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:15 | |
-Winton's Wonderland. -Jaundice. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:16 | |
-Creosote Carnival. -Golden Shower. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
-Traffic Cone. -Oompa Loompa. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
-Cheesy Wotsit. -Orange Is The New Black. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:24 | |
-Panda Fantasy. -Runny Fudge. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
-I think I'm going to leave it for today. -Chutney Fountain? | 0:23:27 | 0:23:30 | |
-No, really, thank you. -Doner Kebab? | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
No, on second thoughts, I just feel like I want a more natural look. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:37 | |
-Stuck up cow. -Sorry? | 0:23:37 | 0:23:40 | |
It's a type of tan, isn't it, Tam? | 0:23:40 | 0:23:43 | |
Oh, yeah, yeah, it's a type of tan. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:46 | |
-The Stuck Up Cow. Yeah. -Right. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:49 | |
-Time wasting tart. -I heard that. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:51 | |
It's a type of tan! | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
Show me in the brochure, then. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
-The what? -The brochure. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
The what? | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
-MOCKINGLY: -The bro-suuuure. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
Look, it's there. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:07 | |
I hope you get burned on your holidays, you pasty old trollop. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:13 | |
How dare you! | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
-BOTH: -It's a type of tan! | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
OK, daughter, The Three Little Pigs. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
Oh, I love this one, Daddy. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
Please, questions and comments at the end. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:32 | |
"Once upon a time, there were three little pigs." | 0:24:32 | 0:24:36 | |
Oh, there's a lot of info here we don't have time to eyeball right now. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:39 | |
So let me just give you the bullet points. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
Pigs built houses. | 0:24:41 | 0:24:43 | |
Pig A, straw. Pig B, sticks. Pig C, bricks. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:47 | |
I think we can see where this is going. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:49 | |
-Oh, what a surprise, there's a wolf. -Is he a big, bad wolf? | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
Like in banking, good and bad doesn't come into it. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
The wolf's primary short-term objective is to eat pigs, | 0:24:54 | 0:24:58 | |
so the word I would use is focused. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
But if the pigs know that there's a wolf, then why does the first pig... | 0:25:01 | 0:25:04 | |
-Pig A. -Then why does Pig A build his house out of straw? | 0:25:04 | 0:25:08 | |
Er... | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
I'm not actually across that. Let me get the office onto it. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:14 | |
Hi, Janice. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:17 | |
I'm just walking through The Three Little Pigs thing | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
with my daughter and a question has come up. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:22 | |
A bloody good one. Where are we on the Pig A's straw house strategy? | 0:25:22 | 0:25:27 | |
Well, then, can you get Steve onto that?... He's on the Redeye. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
Well, tell him as soon as he lands in New York to get his ass in gear | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
and get back to me ASAP. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:38 | |
Steve's on to it. OK, so let's just close this. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
I know your time is important, mine certainly is. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:44 | |
Huff, puff, house down. Huff puff, house down. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
Huff puff, quelle surprise, house intact. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
Wolf thinks outside the box, climbs down the chimney, | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
ends up in a large cooking vessel, pigs eat him. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
Complete turnaround, total 180, the end. Happiness? | 0:25:54 | 0:25:58 | |
-Can you read another one? -No can do. Diary's a shocker. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:02 | |
But let's put in another one of these for next month. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:05 | |
Thanks, Dad. It's been really lovely having story time with you. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:09 | |
You know...if ever there's anything you need to talk about, | 0:26:14 | 0:26:18 | |
anything at all... | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
..here are the deets. | 0:26:21 | 0:26:22 | |
Janice can reach me 24/7. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:27 | |
-Good night, Dad. I love you. -Ditto. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
PHONE ALERT | 0:26:29 | 0:26:30 | |
Ah, just had an e-mail from Steve RE: the straw house inquiry. | 0:26:30 | 0:26:35 | |
He says it is most likely a risk assessment failure. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:38 | |
Ciao. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:39 | |
Lady Asgrith, I can scarcely believe that Mr Oscar Wilde himself | 0:26:44 | 0:26:48 | |
has accepted this invitation to take tea with us. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
He's quite simply the wittiest man in London. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
I have read so much about his quips and aphorisms | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
and longed to hear them in person. | 0:26:56 | 0:26:59 | |
Mr Oscar Wilde. | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
Oh, Mr Wilde! | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
These are my beloved friends, Lady Harrington, Lady Ponsonbury | 0:27:06 | 0:27:11 | |
and may I introduce Her Grace the Duchess of Shrewsbury? | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
My mother-in-law. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:16 | |
I'm not saying my mother-in-law's ugly... | 0:27:16 | 0:27:19 | |
but when she sits on the sand, cats try to bury her. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:23 | |
LADIES LAUGH UNCOMFORTABLY | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
Poor lady, being mistaken for some cat doings! | 0:27:31 | 0:27:35 | |
Apologies, Mr Wilde. Pray, continue. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
Have you been keeping well? | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
So I went to the doctors the other day. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:44 | |
I said, "Doctor, have you got anything for persistent wind?" | 0:27:44 | 0:27:48 | |
And he said, "Yes, have this kite." | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
I myself suffer terribly from the gas. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:57 | |
SHE FAKES A FART | 0:27:57 | 0:27:59 | |
Stop being so crude in front of Mr Wilde! | 0:27:59 | 0:28:02 | |
-Do continue. -Got another one for you. | 0:28:02 | 0:28:05 | |
What's long, pink and shoved in tarts? | 0:28:05 | 0:28:09 | |
Oh, a riddle from Mr Wilde! | 0:28:09 | 0:28:12 | |
Oh, pray tell us, what is long, pink and shoved in tarts? | 0:28:12 | 0:28:16 | |
Is it, per chance, a gentleman's organ? | 0:28:16 | 0:28:18 | |
LADIES GASP | 0:28:18 | 0:28:20 | |
I was going to say a rhubarb, you filthy cow! | 0:28:23 | 0:28:26 | |
Lady Harrington! | 0:28:27 | 0:28:30 | |
You have debased this afternoon's tea with your obscene interruptions | 0:28:30 | 0:28:34 | |
and what is worse, you have offended Mr Oscar Wilde. | 0:28:34 | 0:28:37 | |
-Please, forgive me. -You must leave London immediately. | 0:28:37 | 0:28:41 | |
Mr Wilde, my sincere apologies for making reference to a shlong. | 0:28:45 | 0:28:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:50 | 0:28:52 | |
Please rest assured, she'll be banished from polite society. | 0:28:53 | 0:28:57 | |
Now, I implore you to charm us | 0:28:57 | 0:28:59 | |
with another one of your enchanting epigrams. | 0:28:59 | 0:29:02 | |
Two poofs walk into a pub... | 0:29:02 | 0:29:04 | |
Taxi! | 0:29:09 | 0:29:11 | |
-Where to, Ms Lumley? -Heathrow Airport, please, and hurry! | 0:29:13 | 0:29:17 | |
Selfie? | 0:29:17 | 0:29:19 | |
-Cheeky selfie. -Oh, it's you again. -Yeah, we did a cheeky selfie. | 0:29:19 | 0:29:22 | |
What do you want now? | 0:29:22 | 0:29:24 | |
Cheeky selfie. | 0:29:24 | 0:29:25 | |
No, but I'm running very late for my flight. | 0:29:25 | 0:29:27 | |
Well, in the time it took you to tell me you're running very late | 0:29:27 | 0:29:30 | |
for your flight, we could have done a cheeky selfie. | 0:29:30 | 0:29:32 | |
OK, we'll do a cheeky selfie, but very quickly. | 0:29:32 | 0:29:35 | |
BEEP Oh, memory card full. | 0:29:35 | 0:29:37 | |
Got to delete some. | 0:29:37 | 0:29:39 | |
Keep that. | 0:29:39 | 0:29:40 | |
Keep that. Could... No, keep that. | 0:29:40 | 0:29:45 | |
That's a picture of me washing machine. | 0:29:45 | 0:29:47 | |
-Keep that. -Look, I'm sorry, I really do have to go now. | 0:29:47 | 0:29:50 | |
All right, get over yourself, it's just a cheeky selfie. | 0:29:50 | 0:29:53 | |
BEEP Oh, battery's died. | 0:29:53 | 0:29:56 | |
Just let me turn it on and off. | 0:29:56 | 0:29:59 | |
It takes quite a while. | 0:29:59 | 0:30:01 | |
Have you got a charger? | 0:30:05 | 0:30:07 | |
KNOCK AT DOOR | 0:30:10 | 0:30:12 | |
New boy band Uptown Boys here to see you, sir? | 0:30:12 | 0:30:15 | |
Oh, great, send them in. | 0:30:15 | 0:30:17 | |
-Wesley. -Hey. -Tyler. -Hi. -Pecs. -Hi. | 0:30:17 | 0:30:22 | |
And, er... Mrs Papapopolous. | 0:30:22 | 0:30:25 | |
Sit down, boys and... | 0:30:31 | 0:30:33 | |
Ms Papapopolous. | 0:30:33 | 0:30:34 | |
First of all, we just want to say, thanks for seeing us. | 0:30:37 | 0:30:40 | |
I mean, we really feel like we're ready for the big time. | 0:30:40 | 0:30:42 | |
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we just want to take Uptown Boys to the next level. | 0:30:42 | 0:30:45 | |
-So it's all four of you in this band? -Yeah. | 0:30:45 | 0:30:48 | |
Yeah, yeah, Uptown Boys has always been about the four of us. | 0:30:48 | 0:30:51 | |
I mean, we're a gang. | 0:30:51 | 0:30:52 | |
So how did you all meet? | 0:30:54 | 0:30:55 | |
Oh, I mean, we've just sort of been friends for ages, really. | 0:30:55 | 0:30:58 | |
I mean, I didn't really know... | 0:30:58 | 0:31:00 | |
Pecs, but... | 0:31:00 | 0:31:02 | |
No, but me and Mrs Papapopolous kind of started it. | 0:31:02 | 0:31:05 | |
We were in the same class at school. | 0:31:05 | 0:31:07 | |
Let's have a reality check here. The image is all wrong. | 0:31:08 | 0:31:12 | |
-You don't like the shirts? -It's not the shirts. | 0:31:14 | 0:31:17 | |
Uptown Boys isn't just about the image. | 0:31:17 | 0:31:20 | |
We are really passionate about the music. | 0:31:20 | 0:31:22 | |
Then let me hear you sing. | 0:31:22 | 0:31:24 | |
-OK. -Yeah, yeah. | 0:31:24 | 0:31:26 | |
# Although we've come to the end of the road | 0:31:35 | 0:31:39 | |
MRS PAPAPOPOLOUS MUMBLES TUNELESSLY | 0:31:39 | 0:31:41 | |
# Still I can't let you go | 0:31:41 | 0:31:45 | |
# It's unnatural, you belong to me | 0:31:45 | 0:31:50 | |
# I belong to you, whoa. # | 0:31:50 | 0:31:52 | |
OK, I'm going to stop you there. | 0:31:52 | 0:31:54 | |
MRS PAPAPOPOLOUS KEEPS MUMBLING | 0:31:54 | 0:31:56 | |
I said I've heard enough. | 0:31:56 | 0:31:58 | |
One of you was singing very off key. | 0:32:00 | 0:32:04 | |
-Oh, I'm sorry, I've got a bit of a cold. -It wasn't you. | 0:32:04 | 0:32:07 | |
OK, tell me what each one of you brings to this band. | 0:32:10 | 0:32:13 | |
Mrs Papapopolous, she has got all of the moves. | 0:32:13 | 0:32:16 | |
Richard, check this. | 0:32:16 | 0:32:19 | |
SHE MUMBLES TUNELESSLY | 0:32:19 | 0:32:23 | |
I think I've seen enough. | 0:32:35 | 0:32:37 | |
Look, we just get on so well. | 0:32:37 | 0:32:41 | |
-We're a bit like a family. -So let's get this straight. | 0:32:41 | 0:32:45 | |
If I was to sign Uptown Boys, it would have to be all four of you? | 0:32:45 | 0:32:50 | |
Yeah, I mean, we said from the very beginning | 0:32:50 | 0:32:53 | |
that it's the four of us or nothing, so... | 0:32:53 | 0:32:55 | |
Then it's a no. | 0:32:57 | 0:33:00 | |
Oh, well... | 0:33:02 | 0:33:05 | |
thanks for your time. | 0:33:05 | 0:33:06 | |
SHE MUMBLES ANGRILY | 0:33:07 | 0:33:10 | |
Mrs Papapopolous... | 0:33:15 | 0:33:18 | |
can you stay behind, please? | 0:33:18 | 0:33:20 | |
You are the real star of this band. | 0:33:20 | 0:33:22 | |
I want to sign you as a solo artist. | 0:33:23 | 0:33:25 | |
SHE MUMBLES EXCITEDLY | 0:33:25 | 0:33:30 | |
That's the first single! | 0:33:32 | 0:33:35 | |
And that's how you make the perfect choux pastry. | 0:33:35 | 0:33:38 | |
And, cut! That's a wrap. | 0:33:38 | 0:33:41 | |
Is it me or is it hot in here? | 0:33:45 | 0:33:48 | |
You make it hot, Paul. | 0:33:48 | 0:33:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:33:50 | 0:33:52 | |
Stop it, Mary! | 0:33:52 | 0:33:54 | |
I can't fight what I feel any longer. | 0:33:55 | 0:33:58 | |
Now I'm getting really hot. | 0:34:00 | 0:34:01 | |
Why did you have to wear that pink blouse today? | 0:34:03 | 0:34:06 | |
Because you said it made me look like a naughty fondant fancy. | 0:34:06 | 0:34:09 | |
You master baker! | 0:34:11 | 0:34:12 | |
I master bake thinking about you. | 0:34:15 | 0:34:17 | |
Well, think on this, Paul. | 0:34:20 | 0:34:22 | |
No-one can make a Victoria sponge as moist as you can. | 0:34:22 | 0:34:26 | |
Please, Mary, we can't do this now. | 0:34:28 | 0:34:31 | |
What if Mel or Sue walk in? | 0:34:31 | 0:34:33 | |
Then let them watch! | 0:34:33 | 0:34:34 | |
Dirty, Mary! | 0:34:35 | 0:34:38 | |
You know when you said that custard tart had a soggy bottom? | 0:34:38 | 0:34:41 | |
All I could think about was you making my bottom soggy. | 0:34:41 | 0:34:44 | |
That's what I wanted you to think, you naughty cake-muncher! | 0:34:45 | 0:34:49 | |
Did you like it when I ate that chocolate eclair, Paul? | 0:34:50 | 0:34:54 | |
Of course I did, Mary. Amazing technique. | 0:34:54 | 0:34:57 | |
You looked me straight in the eyes, | 0:34:57 | 0:34:59 | |
wrapped your lips around it and sucked out all the cream. | 0:34:59 | 0:35:03 | |
A woman of my age knows her way around an eclair, Paul. | 0:35:05 | 0:35:09 | |
-And I know my way around a pair of buns. -Sticky buns? | 0:35:09 | 0:35:12 | |
They will be when I'm finished with them. | 0:35:12 | 0:35:15 | |
You can't keep doing this to me, Paul! | 0:35:15 | 0:35:17 | |
You know I have a weakness for chubby Scousers with goatee beards. | 0:35:17 | 0:35:21 | |
-Tonight's the night, Mary! -Paul, we can't! | 0:35:21 | 0:35:24 | |
At midnight, I'm going to knock on your hotel room door | 0:35:24 | 0:35:27 | |
wearing only a ring doughnut. | 0:35:27 | 0:35:30 | |
Two ring doughnuts? | 0:35:33 | 0:35:34 | |
Probably just be the one. | 0:35:36 | 0:35:37 | |
I'll invite you in and then what will happen? | 0:35:41 | 0:35:44 | |
I'll nibble on your meringues. | 0:35:44 | 0:35:45 | |
-I guarantee the peaks will be stiff. -My muffin will rise. | 0:35:45 | 0:35:49 | |
I want some of your hot, sweet Hollywood custard! | 0:35:49 | 0:35:52 | |
Where do you want it, Mary? | 0:35:52 | 0:35:53 | |
Drizzled all over my hot apple strudel! | 0:35:53 | 0:35:56 | |
I don't know what you mean by that. | 0:35:57 | 0:36:00 | |
But you're making me hotter than a spicy ginger cake. | 0:36:00 | 0:36:04 | |
I'm nearly cooked. | 0:36:04 | 0:36:05 | |
And I'm a gas mark five. | 0:36:05 | 0:36:07 | |
-On your marks... -Get set... | 0:36:07 | 0:36:09 | |
BOTH: Bake! | 0:36:09 | 0:36:11 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:36:13 | 0:36:16 | |
Well, that's it from the newsroom. | 0:36:16 | 0:36:18 | |
All that remains is for us to wish you all goodnight. | 0:36:18 | 0:36:20 | |
From me, Jenny Mathis... | 0:36:20 | 0:36:22 | |
-And from me, Mark Monroe, goodnight. -Goodnight. | 0:36:22 | 0:36:25 | |
Sorry, I always do the last goodnight. | 0:36:25 | 0:36:28 | |
Yes, well I thought it was my turn now. | 0:36:28 | 0:36:30 | |
Yeah, but I'm the senior newsreader, so I do it. | 0:36:30 | 0:36:32 | |
-Goodnight. -N'night. | 0:36:32 | 0:36:33 | |
Don't! | 0:36:33 | 0:36:35 | |
What if I said "N'night"? | 0:36:35 | 0:36:37 | |
Saying "N'night" is exactly the same as saying "Goodnight". | 0:36:37 | 0:36:39 | |
-It's not. -It is. -What does it matter who says...? | 0:36:39 | 0:36:42 | |
If it doesn't matter then I'll do it. | 0:36:42 | 0:36:44 | |
-Goodnight. -Goodnight. -Right... | 0:36:44 | 0:36:45 | |
Don't say anything at all, OK? | 0:36:47 | 0:36:48 | |
Do not utter another word. | 0:36:50 | 0:36:51 | |
Well, that's it from us in the newsroom. | 0:36:56 | 0:36:58 | |
-All that remains for us to do is... -Goodnight. -Right, get out. | 0:36:58 | 0:37:02 | |
-You're not serious. -Yeah, seriously, get out. Go. | 0:37:03 | 0:37:06 | |
Pffft. | 0:37:06 | 0:37:08 | |
You don't need to do that. | 0:37:11 | 0:37:12 | |
I was going to leave anyway! | 0:37:16 | 0:37:18 | |
Has she gone? | 0:37:20 | 0:37:21 | |
We're back at the same time tomorrow but for now, from me - | 0:37:22 | 0:37:26 | |
and just me alone - let me wish you... | 0:37:26 | 0:37:28 | |
Goodnight! | 0:37:28 | 0:37:29 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:37:32 | 0:37:34 | |
Hello, and welcome to Britain's Greatest Buildings. | 0:37:38 | 0:37:41 | |
Over the next ten weeks I shall be visiting some of this country's... | 0:37:41 | 0:37:45 | |
Selfie? Cheeky selfie? | 0:37:45 | 0:37:47 | |
I'm in the middle of filming! We've already done lots of selfies. | 0:37:47 | 0:37:50 | |
-But I've got a stick now, though, ain't I? -I don't care. | 0:37:50 | 0:37:53 | |
Don't be a dick. | 0:37:53 | 0:37:54 | |
-I'm not going to be spoken to like that and no more selfies. -Fine. | 0:37:54 | 0:37:57 | |
-Cheeky one? -No, go away. | 0:37:57 | 0:37:59 | |
Right, I'm going to go on Twitter right now | 0:37:59 | 0:38:02 | |
and tell everyone how stuck up yourself you are. | 0:38:02 | 0:38:05 | |
What's your name? | 0:38:05 | 0:38:07 | |
Jennifer Saunders. | 0:38:07 | 0:38:08 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:38:11 | 0:38:13 |