Frankie Boyle's American Autopsy

-Please welcome Frankie Boyle!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello, and welcome to our American Autopsy.

Before we start, a spoiler alert.

If you haven't seen the result of the election yet, turn away now.

And ask your closest relative to shoot you in the back of the head.

This has been the biggest decision of maybe the last 50 years,

maybe since the Second World War.

I don't know about you, but any time I hear that there's

a big decision to be taken, I often think to myself,

"Oh, I hope no Americans are involved in taking that decision.

"I hope no-one from a country that made seven

"Fast And The Furious movies has any say in this."

Donald Trump sort of looks like

someone playing a president in a porno.

It's not just that he's the worst person for the job,

he might be the worst mammal.

Would you have bothered with the hair if you had his face?

If your face looked like a novelty jug that was made in

a secure-unit pottery class...

People were saying,

"Oh, he can't build a wall between America and Mexico."

The Mexicans have started building it themselves.

Trump alienated the Republican base.

There were Republican politicians who didn't vote for him.

Those are some of the worst people in the world. How can you lose them?

There are people who didn't vote for Trump

who would have voted for Magneto.

He said a lot of mad racist and sexist stuff,

stuff that would have got you fired from any other job.

Just imagine you get called in by your HR and they go,

"Sorry, Larry, you've said a lot of mad racist and sexist stuff.

"You can't stock timber any more.

"The only job you're now qualified for

"is President of the United States of America."

People said, "Well, er, Hillary was the best qualified candidate ever.

"She was Secretary of State, she was First Lady, she was an attorney."

That's not the problem.

Peter Sutcliffe was an excellent truck driver.

It's the attitude. Hillary Clinton...

I'm trying to think of something positive to say about her.

I suppose...

for a granny, she was quite good at e-mail, wasn't she?

If my granny had even seen a laptop,

she would have tried to toast a sandwich in it.

Maybe we just have to accept Americans are irrational.

And this is a country of people who not only don't have health care,

they don't want health care

and they're angry if someone offers them health care!

This is a country of people obsessed with their teeth.

Obsessed with their teeth, don't care if they live or die.

You can say what you like about British people,

we don't judge anybody by their teeth.

Unless they're a child refugee fleeing a war zone.

APPLAUSE

OK, let's get on with the show.

Joining me to discuss all the issues,

please welcome Sara Pascoe and Katherine Ryan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good to have you here. Did you enjoy the campaign, Sara?

-Enjoy it?

-Yeah.

-I have an anxiety disorder now.

-Katherine, were you horrified and appalled by the while thing?

-Yes.

Gripped and horrified.

And I'm a little bit in shock still, but I feel like he might do OK.

Like, because he's a liar,

so maybe he was lying about all that horrible stuff he was going to do.

That's a really, really positive way of looking at it.

I like the theory that the American president doesn't have as much

power as we think they do.

So we think it's this huge thing and they can do good or they

can do bad, and actually there's a whole system and they're

a figurehead that we blame when it doesn't really work out.

Yeah, let's hope so.

-Did you watch the election night, Katherine?

-I did.

I went for a little nap when I put my daughter to bed and then

woke up at 3am and watched

until it was time to wake her in a new world...

..where I'd be happier with her watching porn than CNN.

-She's, like, seven, right?

-She's seven. Yeah, it's still better.

His wife must be appalled, as well, that the whole thing's over,

because she's presumably spent the last two years

fucking her pilates instructor.

For legal reasons, she hasn't been doing that.

-And now she's got this monster.

-No, no, now he's even busier.

-Yeah!

-It's great. Now she can fuck two pilates instructors.

-What's next for Hillary, though, do you think?

-She's in trouble,

because President-Elect Trump said that he would jail her if

he won, and I feel like she should hold him to that,

because jail is a much safer place for a woman than Trump's America.

It's not just Sara and Katherine I have to argue with tonight.

Who better to pass judgment on my views on America

than 20 genuine real-life Americans?

Tonight, they have all the power, as, at the end of each debate,

they'll be deciding whether I'm right or wrong.

Now, on with the show. Tonight, I'll be making three propositions

based on the US election.

First off, despite millions of dollars of fundraising and

months of campaigning, Clinton and Trump were the two most

disliked presidential candidates in modern history.

So I propose that anybody in this room would be

a better president than Donald Trump.

I don't know about you, but do you remember when you thought

that George Bush was the bottom?

You thought, "That's as low as it's going to get,

"a guy who's so stupid that he can't really speak."

It turns out there's a whole thing underneath that.

It goes all the way down to a guy who looks like

a melted action figure of He-Man.

He doesn't even really have policies,

they're more the sort of things a drunk would say on a bus when

he gets shaken awake by a pothole.

Here to give us an American perspective,

from The Daily Show, please welcome comedian Michelle Wolf!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Great to have you, Michelle.

-Thank you.

This seems like the fallout shelter

we'd all go to after Trump was elected.

Is it sort of amazing that he's managed to create

-a new low in America? Y'know?

-Yeah.

So, like, somewhere we think of as being culturally pretty much

the dregs.

And, I mean, he cheapened Vegas!

Y'know? He ran a casino that lost money in Atlantic City.

I think we were doing a pretty good job of pretending that we had

it together. Y'know?

Like, we were like the woman that just got divorced and we were

like, "Everything's fine. I have my Chardonnay!"

And now we're like, "It's not OK! I miss him!"

I think Trump is an important... maybe signpost for

a people whose voice really did need to be heard in America.

And I hate everything else about him, but for that, nyah.

But it's sort of if this is what's happening now, anything can happen.

There's that feeling, isn't there, like the next election

might be between, you know, a toaster and an ostrich or something?

I'm going to put bets down now for Kim versus Kanye.

I'd rather have Trump in than Kanye.

I think Trump's probably got his meds balanced.

LAUGHTER

Well, I can actually show you the truth behind why Trump won.

Have a look at this revealing clip streamed live on the

Christian website, America Stands,

in which the hosts explain how they influenced the vote.

7:30 at night, we went on the air, but we have a prayer room here.

We had people all across the United States joining with our

prayer room here in Dallas in prayer. And look what happened.

This was the moment when the whole race broke,

when prayer began and the Church came out

and then we see a 30-point swing here,

a 30-point swing here.

And now we see the swing to a 95% chance of winning, Trump.

5% chance of winning, Clinton. It's phenomenal!

This is the proof positive of what the Lord did. The Lord did this.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That point in the graph is where they counted some of the votes.

It wasn't the power of prayer, it was the power of counting.

Are you saying this wasn't God?! They just showed us on a graph!

All I'm saying is, if prayer works,

they should pray to be less fucking stupid.

LAUGHTER

I'd also say that I don't believe the Lord is American,

so he can't vote.

And that's voter fraud.

LAUGHTER

Clinton lacks the natural warmth of a true leader,

which is why she often looked to celebrities to provide it instead.

Take a look at this badly conceived interview between her and

Mary J Blige.

# If an officer stops you...

# Always be polite

# And never ever run away

# Promised Momma you'll keep your hands in sight

# Is it a gun, is it a knife?

# Is it a wallet? This is your life

# It ain't no secret

# It ain't no secret

# No secret, my friend

# You can get killed just for living in...

# Your American skin

# Wohhhhhh. #

APPLAUSE

Yeah, that's just a general white-person reaction to gospel

happening three feet from your face.

LAUGHTER

What's she going to do, like, get up and twerk?

She might have also, in her face, like, that face of hers might

just have been, like, focus grouping in her head how much to smile.

You know, she was probably like,

"Is this smiling time or is this frowning time?

"Someone poll the audience."

There's a terrible message in this song of,

if an officer stops you, just be polite.

And you're, like, "Well, they fucking strangled a bloke for selling fags."

You know...

That is what mothers have to tell their young black sons,

and it's a tragedy.

They do tell them that to keep them alive.

# This is your life

# Just for living in your American skin

# Mmmm... #

See? Strange reaction. It's weird.

It's not... LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, what other choices did America really have?

On MSNBC's Morning Joe programme,

Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson's disturbing response

to a question left everyone stunned. Take a look.

What you do, if you were elected, about Aleppo?

-About...

-Aleppo.

And what is Aleppo?

-You're kidding.

-No!

Aleppo is in Syria.

It's the epicentre of the refugee crisis...

-OK, got it, got it.

-OK.

I remember when that happened and immediately, everyone was like,

"He doesn't know where Aleppo is!

"Cos I do."

LAUGHTER

"Wait, it's in, um..."

Well, I've said that anyone in this room would make a better president

than Donald Trump, so let's meet a couple of them to find out.

We asked several of our audience members to fill in questionnaires.

Where's Daniel Walker? Daniel? How are you doing, Daniel?

-Well, thank you.

-Are you enjoying the Trump administration?

-I'm lovin' it so far.

-You look kind of stoned, Daniel.

LAUGHTER

We all handle this in our own way.

Daniel, we asked you if you were President of the United States

and it's your first day in the job, what's the first thing you would do?

You said, "My top priority would be ending the war on drugs." Well...

LAUGHTER

"Simplify the corporate tax code.

"Laying groundwork for a national health care exchange.

"Limiting campaign donations.

"Reining in the NSA and creating powerful transparency laws."

And that's why you would be dead in a week.

LAUGHTER

-But I salute your idealism, Daniel.

-I love Daniel!

That was really nice. I was going to say, "Have sex in the Oval Office."

LAUGHTER

I think that's been done, hasn't it? That's been done to death.

Well, not to ME!

That would have been Hillary's first order of business,

just burning a lot of carpet.

-Where's Arianna Reich? How're you doing, Arianna?

-Good.

We asked you, if you are running for president and could choose

any celebrity as your VP, who would it be and why?

You said, "The bear from The Revenant."

LAUGHTER

"Who would mess with him and, by extension, me?"

I think...

I think the bear from The Revenant

was kind of defending his own territory.

He's not invading the Middle East to steal honey.

LAUGHTER

Also, I think the bear from The Revenant is doing

I'm A Celebrity this year.

LAUGHTER

"Here's your best bits. This is you eating Chris Akabusi."

LAUGHTER

OK, I'm convinced that literally anybody in this room would

make a better president than Donald Trump.

Americans, if you agree with me, it's green.

If you disagree, it's red.

Vote now, Americans.

Almost entirely in agreement, anyone would do a better job.

Just a couple of perverts.

OK, on to the next proposition. Throughout the campaign,

Donald Trump repeatedly showed us how much he loathes women.

And Hillary Clinton is no feminist either.

And so I propose, America Hates Women.

52% of white women voted for Trump,

so it might even be that American Women Hate Women.

Donald Trump said during the campaign,

"Nobody has more respect for women than me."

I can't even decode what that means.

The only way that makes sense is if Respect is the trade name of

the date rape drug that he uses.

LAUGHTER

Hillary Clinton was a very particular type of feminist.

She didn't believe in female genital mutilation...

unless it was performed by an American drone.

LOUD GROANING

There's no point "ohhing" reality.

I object to that, because I find it difficult enough

to find the clitoris at the best of times

without having to paw through the rubble of Kandahar.

Here to help us debate this topic,

please welcome the comedian Desiree Burch.

APPLAUSE

Desiree, thanks for joining us.

I don't have a lot to say to that,

except for it's sad to see it in print, because the truth hurts.

Do you think it was a factor in the election, misogyny?

Yeah - I mean, I'm really sick of arguing with men

about how terrible a candidate Hillary was

because we've elected so many terrible candidates

all throughout America's history -

we've never blinked about electing terrible people.

It was really a hyper-focus on all of her flaws and...

You know, there is a reason for that.

Let's have a look at some illustrations on all of this -

if you're looking for evidence that America hates women,

then there's no clearer example

than the extreme makeover reality show The Swan.

Take a look at this unsettling package describing the programme.

These 16 women handed over their lives

to a world-class team of experts.

Collectively, they received more than 4 million worth of treatments,

including radical plastic surgery, cosmetic dentistry...

One of the most challenging cases.

..gruelling physical training...

Agh!

..and hardcore personal coaching.

No pork chops - the party's over.

The programme pushed all of the competitors

to their absolute limits.

In the end, nine earned a spot

in the most-watched beauty pageant in America.

While only one received the crown...

..they were all winners.

Should they have had pyrotechnics at the end

that close to so much plastic surgery?

Didn't the prize go to the doctor?

Horse racing, isn't it?

It's the horse that's winning that race, mate.

It's so heart-rending to see these women,

cos they're kind of like,

"I'm afraid no-one's ever going to love me",

and you know, by the time they're done,

you know, oh, they're with their boyfriend, who's like,

"Oh, yeah, I really love her body now,

"she's a totally different person",

so she just proved herself right, like,

"No, no-one will ever love YOU.

"But this ten, this doctor, can cut you in two.

"Oh, yeah, men love that."

Also, you can have perfectly good teeth and be alone.

I've never been in a relationship, OR had braces.

Anyway, as body consciousness becomes increasingly neurotic,

it's no surprise that labiaplasties

are one of the fastest-growing surgical procedures in the States.

Have a look at this episode of medical advice show The Doctors

and the startling way one surgeon chooses to explain designer vaginas.

Quickly, can you explain to us what you're doing down there?

-I need to understand this.

-Is this a tightening thing?

Or is this an aesthetic, outside situation?

This represents the mons pubis and the labia majora.

So, what we will do, primarily,

is either make a small incision here, in the mons pubis,

so that we can remove the fat by liposculping

and normally, this will go down into the upper areas

of the mons...of the labia majora.

Yeah, that's just ruined my two favourite things -

sex and Nando's.

I don't know if that guy knows what a vagina is.

Be good if you had the operation,

you just kind of lifted up your dress,

and there's, like, two legs of chicken.

Also, I'm not going to do anything to my vagina

until you guys fix your testicles.

It's like a goblin's coin purse.

I feel like if I got labiaplasty, I want to make it, like, longer,

just so everyone who came at it, I could be like,

"Ha-ha-ha! Your tiny penis! Ha-ha-ha!"

I would be the Jabba the Hutt of fucking guys.

"No, not enough! Ha-ha-ha!"

That'll be the next thing - first, it was, like, big, big boobs.

Now it's, like, big fake bums.

-The labia is next.

-Is it going bigger?

-Yeah - I love it.

-Big, grabbable labia.

"Grab my pussy now with your tiny hands, mother...!"

Trump's attitude to women shouldn't have been a surprise.

Take a look at this revealing moment on Howard Stern's radio show,

featuring Trump and his daughter Ivanka.

Donald, do you ever discuss sex with your daughter?

-No.

-You don't?

-No.

-You've never...

I have a feeling we're not going to, here.

Maybe we need to bring this up.

Donald, seriously - you know about sexual predators,

and things like that.

WOMAN: You are one.

All right, I wasn't going to say that.

-INAUDIBLE:

-That's true.

"It's true."

And she's like, "They know about that time..."

I like that she was like,

"You know dads - they're always telling bad jokes

"and getting to the airport early

"and being sexual predators."

I felt there was a real element of misogyny to a lot of the stuff...

Just Trump supporters, obviously, but in general, in the media.

I don't know if we're confusing hatred with wanting to own.

Like, I feel America loves women, and that's why it wants to tell them

what to do all the time and control them.

Like, tell them how to look and give them no reproductive choices.

They love them, like the Taliban.

We have to look at what you mean by America -

America was created by white men who make up

a lot of the Trump electorate,

same with white women, as you mentioned.

I used to be the white woman who would have voted for Donald Trump

because I was taught that a man should lead.

"Let him text you first. Let him pay for you.

"Don't be more powerful than him. Don't make more money than him."

Well, the shift in the world right now is humungous

and it makes them very threatened and very unhappy

and, yes, this has been a setback, but overall, we're winning.

Like, look at us! This goes for not just women, but minorities.

They can rape us and beat us and imprison us

and make more money than us, but we're still nailing it,

and those men are angry and...

They hate us when we do well.

And they hate us so much

that they'll be men watching this right now who go,

"Not all men..."

Fuck you.

-"Not all men..."

-APPLAUSE

It's not about you.

I know... I know a lot of great men -

yourself included, Mr Boyle -

and those men would look at me when I'm saying this

and they wouldn't respond with "Not all men."

They would be nodding along and they would agree with me and say,

"Yes, this is a problem, how can I use my privilege to stop it?"

APPLAUSE

I think women can be misogynists as well

and I also think there's been a lot of people that have said

this wasn't about sexism.

I've never heard any other candidate

in the history of the United States -

and I've been alive the whole time -

that...the number of times they smiled or didn't smile was counted.

There's never been another candidate whose voice has been criticised.

-Well, I have a really annoying laugh.

-I mean, so do I!

I have a shrill voice, but I... I didn't pick it.

I wasn't like, "That's the voice I'd like.

"I'd like the voice that causes dogs to gather outside."

I think it's a thing of, like...

It is all men. You've all got that bit in you.

Cos you grow up in that society, in that culture,

you've just got to recognise that.

Again, I think women are involved in that.

I'm a woman who loves to look at women -

like, there's nothing I like more

than the female changing rooms at my yoga,

where a lot of the women are naked, and I love to look at them.

Still, I mean, if we think that we are progressive,

and we've come a long way, but even America...

The Islamic State will offer maternity leave

before the state of Georgia will elect a woman as commander-in-chief.

It is not happening.

What's the difference between Trump and Islamic State?

It's a beard.

-Not to mention, Pakistan has had a female President.

-Yeah.

They blew her up, to be fair.

OK, it's time to vote.

So, Americans, if you agree with me that America hates women,

it's green. If you disagree, it's red. Vote now.

You agree.

To be fair, Donald Trump doesn't hate all women.

It's just the fat ones, the Mexican ones,

the ones with unplanned pregnancies,

the ones who don't stick to the rules of beauty competitions,

the ones who accuse him of sexual assault

and the ones who were married to Bill Clinton.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Now, I'm very sad to say that, at this moment,

Michelle has to rush off.

She has to rush off to her hotel room and say,

"Thank fuck that's over."

It's been an absolute pleasure having you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Michelle Wolf!

Thank you.

OK. Time for our final proposition.

Beyond the circus of the election itself,

the American media has a lot to answer for.

The partisan news coverage and the all-powerful movie industry

mean that America is in fact the world's largest producer of

dangerous and harmful propaganda.

And so, I propose...

LAUGHTER

The US media and entertainment sector accounts for

a third of the world's media production.

The US military have been known to

intervene in the making of Hollywood films.

A spokesman for the US Department of Defense has said,

"Our desire is that the military are portrayed as good people

"trying to do the right thing in the right way."

Which is helpful, as I can never remember which is the

right way to bomb an Afghan hospital.

AUDIENCE GASPS

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

The top five highest-grossing movies of 2015 were all American and

what's interesting is that they all depict an escapist fantasy -

Star Wars, Jurassic World, Avengers,

Inside Out, and the one where Vin Diesel plays a straight guy.

LAUGHTER

Here to argue the case for the American entertainment industry,

please welcome presenter, producer, film enthusiast and bon viveur,

Richard Osman!

-Hey, Frankie.

-Hey, Rich. You enjoyed the election?

It was an amazing election.

It tells us an awful lot of things but it was an extraordinary election

in so many ways.

Is this the end point of American propaganda?

We're sold these images of billionaires,

of wealth being good,

of false stories about their exceptionalism

throughout the election.

Has that contributed to this scenario, to having Trump?

No, I don't think so. I think Hollywood has always done that.

You said the top five movies were escapist movies. They always are.

That's what you want from movies, what you want from politicians.

People, by and large...

Most people are not happy with their lot at any given time,

and if you're not happy with your lot, you want to escape,

whether that's through a movie or through a president,

but I don't think the two things correlate.

Well, there are two strands to propaganda so...

There's actually four.

Oh, you are such a fucking game show host.

But if you get two, you are through to the next round.

There's this side of it that's the ideology, that's,

"We're Americans, we're exceptional."

I think the particular type of American exceptionalism is,

we're allowed to use force. That's the message you see.

But there's also distraction, so what you're saying is,

there's all this distraction so it's OK.

Michael Jackson had a lot of brilliant funfair rides

and petting zoos and stuff on the grounds of Neverland.

-Yes. Full stop.

-That was the distraction.

-Full stop. Yeah.

-But there was something else more sinister going on.

-Yes.

And with America, we have the same thing.

You can look over here,

there are some great movies from Pixar but, at the same time,

when it comes down to it, when we depict the military

or even just in our news,

we're presenting an ideology that says that we're exceptional

and we're allowed to do what we like.

A bit, but I would say we'd be an awful lot worse off

if it wasn't for the American entertainment industry.

I suspect some of the stuff...

We'd be watching British movies.

-Exactly.

-For a start.

My daughter watches Netflix, when we're choosing something,

she goes, "British!"

"Oh, sorry."

"British."

It's true, though. It'd just be Danny Dyer films.

There is genuinely...

The American entertainment industry gives us movies,

the best TV in the world, the best video games in the world.

The one place that Hollywood doesn't have its tentacles -

this is what it'd be like

if you don't have the entertainment industry - is YouTube.

The world would just be YouTubers.

That would be your only entertainment

if you burned the American entertainment industry

to the ground. Is that what you want, you monster?

I cheerfully accept the term "monster".

Let's have a look at a prime example of Hollywood propaganda.

Here's some crass patriotism in a scene from Olympus Has Fallen, when

the President addresses the nation after a failed invasion of America.

'Our foe did not come only to destroy our things or our people.'

Are you OK?

'They came to desecrate our way of life.'

To foul our beliefs.

Trample our freedom.

And in this, not only did they fail,

they granted us the greatest gift.

A chance at our rebirth.

May God bless you.

And may God bless the United States of America.

LAUGHTER

Gerard Butler, of all people, there.

All I can say is that if Americans feel they're best represented by

the bloated face of a Scottish sex addict, welcome to the show.

Richard, that's the sort of thing I'm talking about.

When it comes down to political messages, you end up having

this very exceptional idea of America that's punted at us.

How do you want them to end that film?

That film is North Korea attacking the United States.

You want them to end with, "Do you know what?

"They sort of had a point, the North Koreans."

How else were they going to end that film?

No-one thinks that's real.

They could have not made a film where North Korea invaded America.

All The President's Men, there's a good movie.

That's not propaganda, is it?

It's left-wing propaganda, if anything.

There's so much more left-wing propaganda in movies

than right-wing propaganda from the United States.

There are a lot of important films,

like 12 Years A Slave, and 13th was really important

and great to watch,

and it takes you a few years to understand that America

saving the world when you're a child isn't really the way

that the world works, but you figure it out before you're of age to vote.

Hmm...

I think YOU figured it out because, fortunately,

you didn't grow up there, like, being inundated with all of that...

Aw, you think Canada has its own TV and films(?)

I think Hollywood, by and large, the movie industry,

is a genuine force for good.

It's a force for social good.

I think it has soft power and shows things to Americans before

they're quite ready for them.

Honestly, I think it does an amazing job.

The news media is extraordinarily awful in the States,

and we're very lucky over here to have a better one.

I agree. American news is rife with propaganda.

They have almost no sense of history so, like, you will see them going,

"Oh, there was a car bomb in Baghdad today,"

and they then analyse it and say, "Why do Iraqis hate cars so much?"

The American media spend so much time

telling the nation to be scared,

it's hardly surprising they're all armed.

Take a look at these crazed moments from TV show American Guns.

On this season of American Guns...

We build guns for men in America!

What do you say we make some big loud noises with this gun?

Let's do it.

THEY CHUCKLE

On Discovery.

It actually sort of looks less offensive

than the original Top Gear.

With respect, that looks amazing.

It does, doesn't it?

They stick a gun under the front of a car at one point

and shoot stuff with a car.

Ohhh...

Oh, the motion has failed.

The American gun lobby are so fixated on their right to bear arms

that they come up with solutions to problems you didn't know existed.

Take a look at this jaw-dropping lo-fi advert

featuring an ingenious invention.

What if, when you woke up, the intruders were already in your room?

At that point, reaching for a firearm may tip off the intruder

where your gun is, and get you killed.

There is a solution. The patent-pending gun bed.

The gun bed is quite possibly the biggest breakthrough

in home defence since the invention of the firearm.

I actually would quite like my fear of intruders

being replaced with the fear

of a loaded shotgun dropping onto my head.

I think it's so cool they got Vladimir Putin to be in that advert.

That's so satisfying.

Like, which of us hasn't been in bed with someone

we wanted to immediately shoot in the face?

Like, that's so...

You wouldn't be able to get the distance,

but so many times, you're just like, "No, mistakes were made."

Be good if they could do that, but with tubes of Pringles.

Yeah!

"It's snack time."

You could have both and just like, "You're not getting any Pringles."

The intruder sits there as you eat them, one by one.

OK, I'm convinced that America

is the world's largest producer of propaganda,

but it's down to my American audience members

to see if they agree with me.

So, Americans, if you agree with me

that the entire American entertainment industry

should be burned to the ground, it's green.

If you disagree, it's red. Vote now.

Disagree.

Of course you do, you've been brainwashed.

APPLAUSE

Well, that's the end of my American Autopsy.

Thanks to my guests, Sara Pascoe, Katherine Ryan,

Desiree Burch, Richard Osman and Michelle Wolf.

But, before I go, I want to leave you with this.

You've got to look on the bright side.

As I dropped my child off at school today, I said,

"Be positive. If everything kicks off,

"that's your blood type."

David Bowie was great at predicting future trends, wasn't he?

Always seemed to know what was going to be fashionable next.

He had an unfailing sense of what the future would be like.

And that is why, this year,

he chose to die.

David Bowie willed himself to die like a dolphin.

Our civilisation is coming to an end.

Not at some theoretical point in the future, but soon.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS

We have just under four months left.

The death throes of humanity will be a carnival of indescribable horror,

which I will now describe.

We will see limbless men raping people with greased heads.

Members of Isis beheading themselves.

James Corden continuing to perform an endless monologue,

caked in the flung excrement of the 54th Southern Highlanders.

At the zoo, wild animals will form a dignified queue

as they wait for the elephants to stamp them to death.

Watching lions and tigers being trodden like grapes,

humans will attempt to join them,

and the elephants will use their trunks

to pull their heads off like champagne corks...

to the ecstatic applause of the sea lions.

The only currency will be the Vienna Boys' Choir.

10,000 traumatised infants in makeshift lingerie

will flee the Vatican like rats from a factory fire.

For the people of Swansea, life will go on as normal.

APPLAUSE

The bloody pelt of Tom Hanks will be flown

as a flag of humanity's surrender to the inevitable.

Alien spacecraft, seconds from Earth, will turn around.

God will avert his gaze in disgust,

then send down his self-righteous son

to be murdered again because he hates him.

So, please, don't waste time on petty rivalries and hatreds.

That neighbour who annoys you -

invite him round for a barbecue, get drunk with him...

kill him, it doesn't matter.

He's dead already.

Life on Earth is over, and we can mope about it

or we can enjoy the relief of knowing

that nothing matters any more.

I don't know about you,

but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

After this, I'm off to the National Gallery to fuck a Rubens.

And don't feel sad - you're the lucky ones.

You made it to the end of the game.

The movie is over, and we're living in the blooper reel.

I've buried a time capsule for the people of the future.

And do you know what's in it?

A pressure-sensitive land mine.

Good luck rebuilding society with no legs.

The very last chapter of human history will involve

Richard Branson trying to flee the Earth on a spacecraft.

But, as he blasts off, he'll feel my shotgun at the base of his skull,

and my erection at the base of his spine.

I will be the alien to his Sigourney Weaver.

Anyway, I'm sorry that I won't be with you for the coming struggle.

In these final moments of existence,

I'm afraid I have better things to do than try to amuse strangers.

Goodbye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Hallelujah

# Hallelujah

# Hallelujah

# Hallelujah... #