Burnistoun Goes to Work Burnistoun

and she was saying to me, "I think I've broke my ankle.

So I nearly signed for Burnistoun United

when I was younger, but that didnae work oot.

Erm...

I got into business with my brother.

That didnae work oot, either.

Well, it didnae work oot for me.

He's in the spoon game now, in the Middle East somewhere.

He's a multimillionaire.

Er, so now I'm hoping to get into the taxi game, now.

I mean, as a kind of driving unit.

A driver, taxi driver, really.

Pal, you're just one step away

from becoming a Burnistoun city taxi driver.

I'm your taxi driver patter assessor.

I'll be hearing your patter today.

In your own time.

This you going to your work, mate?

Let me just stop you right there.

You've stirred up a right hornet's nest with that one.

What if I've just been made redundant, pal?

What if I cannae stand my work and cannae face talking about it?

You've offended me already.

Try a different approach.

You a Burnistoun United man yourself, mate?

Red flag there, very antagonistic.

If I dae support United, how dae I know you dae?

How dae I know you're not a City fan trying to flush me oot

so you can give me a doing in a lay-by?

And if I don't support United, well, I already detest you, don't I?

You need to be less specific.

Are you into your fitba', mate?

Too specific. Are you into your sports, mate?

Still too specific.

You into...

hings, mate?

"Are you into hings?"

"Are you into hings?" Way too sexual, pal.

That sounds like swingers' patter to me.

That's no' what I'm into at all.

Try something else.

Cracking day the day, mate, isn't it?

Is it?

What if my maw just died?

Cracking weather the day, isn't it, mate?

No' if I've got some kind of skin condition

I need to keep out of the sunlight, it's not.

Be less specific.

Cracking...

Cracking, isn't it?

What's cracking?

Certainly not my wallet with this vague patter, here.

Try a different approach. Come on.

HE SIGHS

See when they built the pyramids, mate,

in the belief that they were preparing themselves

for some kind of afterlife,

have you ever considered

that thae pyramids truly DID create an afterlife

for the people buried inside,

through a mimetic transferral across the generations

by inspiring and fascinating the culture?

Too highbrow, pal.

It's a taxi ride, not the Oxford and Cambridge boat race.

Oh, just get oot my taxi, mate.

And go where? Be mair specific.

And go tae fuck.

Be mair specific.

Go right tae fuck.

Offensive, pal, but I cannae say it isnae reasonable.

Here, you've passed.

Keep the change.

REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS

THEY LAUGH

That's not...

(That's the boss's son.)

Carry on. Nice day for it, eh?

All right! I'm Jolly Boy John.

Jolly Boy John going for a job interview is for real.

For real! For real!

I'm the chairman of the Wee Chocolate Banana Corporation.

For real!

Jolly Boy John going for a job interview

and saying hash pipes to every question is for real.

Hash pipes.

"Name?" Hash pipes.

"Address?"

Hash pipes.

"Do you have any experience?"

Hash pipes.

For real!

Jolly Boy John using his celebrity pals

to help him get a job is for real.

"Do you have any references?"

I've got one fae Dolly Parton.

She's under ma nipple flap.

"Ooh, I hear that Jolly Boy John's some grafter, by the way."

Hash pipes.

For real!

"Do you have anything you'd like to tell us about?"

Responsible gambling.

"Anything else?"

Nunchucks for a wullie. Nunchucks for a wullie.

Oooh-ooh!

"Anything else?"

Pigs. Babies. Conor McGregor.

You think all rolling about in a playpen

makes yous as for real as Jolly Boy John?

Get real!

Wu-wu-wu-wu-wu-wu.

There you go, madam.

Thank you.

And yourself, sir.

Someone will be along to take your drinks order in a moment.

Thanks.

Vouchers, is it, sir?

What's that?

Did the family all chip in for vouchers

to give you a chance to eat in a place like this?

No.

It's the place across the road.

What?

The restaurant that does the two-for-one meal deal, madam,

is across the road.

I think you're in the wrong place.

I think you're right. Come on, Jackie.

Don, the food here is apparently to die for.

I'm sure it's just crossed wires.

Now, sir, you might never have seen one of these

resting upon the shoogly-legged tables of the rat-infested cafes

where you normally eat,

but this is a...wine list.

I know what a wine list is.

Just to save you the embarrassment of asking, sir,

this is the price per glass, not per bottle.

I know that.

(Are you quite sure you have enough money

(remaining in your overdraft to pay for this food, sir?)

"Card declined," sir.

"Oh, that's never happened before.

"Try this one."

"Oh, that's a membership card for a council gym, sir."

D'you know what? The food here might be to die for,

but I doubt very much it's to be made a clown out of for.

Hmm.

What are you doing?

Just checking your label, madam.

(Are you sure you're in the right place?)

Yes!

I have been reading rave reviews

about the food in this restaurant for months.

Oh, madam, if you are the type of woman who reads restaurant reviews,

then I am the itching anus of the chacma baboon.

Right, let's go.

Calm down, sir.

I am perfectly willing to teach monkeys to sup soup,

but perhaps you and your bowling-trophy wife would be happier

in an establishment where the plates are chipped,

the spoons are greasy and the sauce is "rid" and "broon".

Right, we're leaving.

And we're going to go in our S-class Cabriolet Mercedes-Benz

and we're going to travel across town

to the obscenely expensive, Michelin-star bistro

where we eat every weekend.

Jackie.

BOTH: Snobby bastards.

We were in this boring meeting, right?

It was dragging on and on and I get a phone call from my wife

and she was saying to me, "I think I've broke my ankle.

"You need to come hame and take me to the hospital."

Now, I'm not going to lie to anybody here. You see

in that moment, I felt total joy.

Right, it seemed worth it to get out of that meeting.

Does that make me a terrible husband?

No...

because you would have been just as happy

if it was your mother or father.

Aye, aye, but, you see, ever since then, I've been asking myself

just how much injury to my wife would I be willing to tolerate

to get out of a meeting like that, you know what I mean?

I don't know the answer, I need to be honest.

Up to, but not including, brain and spine injuries.

Seems reasonable, aye.

It's a calling, yes,

but it is a job and I love it.

I mean, I do love a good wedding.

Should anyone here present have reason

why this couple should not be joined together in holy matrimony,

speak now or forever hold your peace.

Me.

I know of a reason.

And?

Oh, that's all. Carry on.

You're not going to tell us the reason?

Well, it's hardly the right time to bring all that up, is it?

Yeah, but you did bring it up, so...

But I'm not going to go into all the dirty details

in the middle of the wedding, am I?

I wish I'd forever held my peace now.

Well, you can't forever hold your peace

after you've already spoken out.

Er, I can start forever holding my peace any time I like.

What's the reason?

Peace...held.

Look, is it because...?

Naw!

I didnae know you did that, you manky, clatty big...

Well, that's two reasons I now know of

why these two should not be married.

I know another reason, as well.

What's your reason? I'm forever holding my peace.

WOMAN: I know three reasons, easy.

MAN: I know five, but I'm forever holding my peace.

I know half a dozen reasons

and one of them's sitting right there,

and another one's sitting there.

And what are those reasons?

Well, they've both... Get that peace held, Granny.

They've both... Hold your peace.

ALL: Hold your peace!

Hold your peace! Ugh, I'm forever holding my peace!

Is there anyone here who does not have a reason

why this couple shouldn't be married?

I forever hold my peace.

SHE SOBS

Not here.

Barry, not here.

BARRY SOBS

So, as you can see, from this graph here, um, if...

Sorry, I'm not actually sure what this line represents.

SNIFFING

Woo! HE LAUGHS

Well... W-w-well, th-that is...

(Boss's son.)

Oh.

Carry on.

Nice day for it, eh?

Now, this is Mr Geist's favourite ride,

so he'll be coming to dae your training personally.

Just a wee word of advice -

do not mention the fact that he's got a wig.

Like, he's really sensitive about it.

He's fired people on the spot just for mentioning it.

All right.

Welcome aboard, big fella.

Noo, since this'll be your first time

running my spectacular ghost train,

I want to run through a key bit of customer interaction with you, OK?

Now, when a train passes your position,

you're going to be leaning forward

and ruffling the hair of the person in the carriage

to give them a fricht.

Uh, yeah. OK.

Now, I'll go and jump in the carriage

and you can have a wee practice on me.

SIREN WAILS

Oooh!

Stop!

Look what you've done to my hair, big fella.

You need to have a mair gentle touch.

This is the most sophisticated fricht on the ghost train.

Now, again, softer.

Back we go.

SIREN WAILS

Oooh!

Stop! For God's...

Son, your stupid, big shovel hauns have spun my hair arse akimbo here.

What if I'd have been a customer?

We'd be up to our genuine hairlines in lawsuits.

It's... It's just...

your hair...

it's a bit loose.

Your hair is loose.

Listen, here's what we dae when people cannae manage it manually.

We usually provide a bit of mechanical assistance.

Wee lassie, bring in the hing.

Ugh.

Right, noo, again.

And don't be giving me any rubbish

like accidentally blowing my hair richt aff my heid, all right?

Back we go.

SIREN WAILS

Stop! Stop!

That's it! Finish your shift, son, and get out of my funfair.

Maybe if you taped your WIG doon a bit better.

My wig?! How dare you? SIREN WAILS

The customers are coming.

Finish your bloody shift, you imbecile.

Come on, noo!

And here we have some commonly used units of measurement.

We have a metre...

a foot,

inch...

..centimetre

and baw hair.

OK?

Buddell and Tollan are ready to go.

This will be the biggest MMA fight in Burnistoun's history.

We're ready for your questions.

This fight was moved forward by a month.

Why are you both so keen to get this fight started?

Cos I want to fight him cos he's a wee baby.

I want to punch him in his eye and his nose

and his cheeky, cheeky chin.

Aye, well, I want to fight you, baldy.

Baldy Bane.

Ah, well, come on and fight me, then.

I will fight you.

This Saturday night in the Octopus.

It's an Octagon, ya mad turnip, ye!

OK, guys, let's keep a lid on this.

Tollan, did you find it easy to make weight?

Make weight? He couldn't even make a sandwich.

Aye, I can. No, you cannae.

Aye, I can. I make nice sandwiches for my mammy, actually.

Well, I make a really delicious tuna sandwich, mate.

I bet you cannae make one of them.

Aye, I can. Well, what do you put on it, then?

A tuna. A whole tuna, aye? Aye.

A tuna's about the size of a Shetland pony, you mad horseshoe!

Well, I'll use a big loaf then, wouldn't I?

Oh, mate, you are a big loaf.

Check these muscles. You scared noo, eh?

Aye. Baby peas!

Meat, mate. 40 quid - a month on protein shakes.

I built this up in the gym and I was born with it, an' aw.

Can you share with us what the purse is for the fight?

No, but I can share with you that he's got a purse.

No, I don't. Don't write that.

Aye, he's like a mad, wee granny cutting about the shopping centre

with his wee purse.

He's like a wee granny.

You're a wee granny grumplin.

That's it, mate, I'm going to punch you in your wee belly, mate,

give you a right cramp.

Well, on you go, then.

My wee belly's right here, waiting for you.

Aye, I know. I've been looking at your wee belly all day.

I cannae keep my eyes aff it. Guys!

Right, let's not give this away for free.

Last question.

What music will you be entering to on the big night?

Well, Tollan will be coming in to Agadoo by Black Lace.

No, I willnae, don't write that doon.

He'll be coming in to Especially For You

by Kylie and Donovan.

Kylie and Donovan! It's Kylie and Jason, you mad dingo, isn't it?

Well, at least my entrance music isnae Here Comes The Bride.

Oh...

Well, if my music is Here Comes The Bride,

then that must mean you're the groom.

You want to marry me. He wants to marry me!

I wouldnae even kiss you, never mind marry you.

Imagine talking about kissing. You want to kiss me?

Write that doon. I don't want to kiss you! Write that doon.

He wants a kiss. I don't want a kiss.

You get away frae me, he's trying to kiss me!

THEY SHOUT, CAMERAS CLICK

Write that doon! I hate you! Write that doon!

Hi. Could we have a table for two, please?

Of course, madam, just follow me.

May I take your coats?

Thank you.

Sir. Thanks so much.

Just this way.

And through here.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

This table here.

Hello, Wasps Killed 25 Quid, how can I help you?

You got wasps, aye?

What about this, mate?

How about I come round your hoose and I kill thae wasps for 25 quid?

That the kind of shit you wanted to hear when you phoned this number?

You bet, boy.

Can I ask where you heard about us?

On a bit of paper stuck to a lamppost?

And what did it say on that bit of paper?

"Wasps Killed 25 Quid."

Fucking right it did, amigo.

I say one insect and one insect only.

I don't say bees, I don't say ants, I don't say ladybirds or worms.

I say wasps, I say killed, I say 25 quid.

Kill shot!

BUZZING

Now, why don't you give me your address

and I'll come round and give you a price?

Hello?

Uhhh... Well, now. JEERING

We've all had a good laugh

at Mr Coughlan's fantastical financial policies,

but isn't it ironic that while he was at party headquarters

trying to fill in the holes in his economic plan,

his good wife Marge was out on the town

getting her own holes filled in? JEERING

Yes, filled in by men, for the avoidance of doubt.

Well, now.

Well, now.

Well, now, I wonder if Mr Brogue has noticed how he and his wife,

the feisty Josephine,

like to engage in some very similar behaviour.

In what sense?

Well, while he was trying so desperately

to put a positive spin on the latest opinion poll,

she was having a good spin on my pole.

Yes! MURMURS OF APPROVAL

Yes, my MEAT pole, it must be stated.

Well, now. Well, now.

Have you no decency, sir? Have you no decency?

So full of himself, yes,

for a man so unpopular with his own voters

that he had to sneak out the back door

at his own party conference.

But, very fitting, I think,

that while he was being hounded by the Labour voter,

his good wife was getting pounded in the neighbour's motor. Yes!

A sexual pounding in a Renault Megane,

is what I am alluding to here, sir.

Uh, well, now...

Well, now?

Well, now...

MR BROGUE GASPS It seems that once again

my right honourable friend's patter well has run completely dry.

I refer the honourable gentleman to the slaggings I handed out earlier.

OTHERS: Yes, yes!

Oh, no! What?

She sacked me. She actually went and sacked me.

The best looking woman in the office has been sacked, everybody.

She called me in her office and she says,

"I need to talk to you about your social networks."

And I was like that, "Oh, no, she's had a look at my social networks."

And she was like, "I've had a look at your social networks."

And I was like that, "Oh, no." Oh, no. Oh, no.

I was like that, "Listen, I've not got any social networks."

And she was like that, "Is this not you on Twitter - Rhona Babe?"

And I was like that, "Aye."

And she says, "Is this not you on Instagram - Yoga Rhona?"

And I was like that, "Aye."

She says, "Well, you tweeted out, 'My boss is a cow.'"

And I was like that, "Aye, but I didnae mean you."

Then she says, "I had a look at Callie's Twitter an' aw."

Mine? Yours. Oh, no. Oh, no.

And apparently, you'd replied, "Do you mean Sharon out our work?"

And she went like that to me, "And you liked it."

I didnae like it! No, Callie, you tweeted it and I liked it.

And I was like that, "Aye, but I didnae mean like as in I like it,

"I meant like as in 'Like, haud on a minute,

"'I love Big Sharon.'"

And she was like that, "What do you mean BIG Sharon?"

I was like that, "Oh, no. I meant big as in big personality."

And she was like that, "Well, this maybe explains

"this Instagram photo you posted of a big cake

"with the hashtag 'Big Sharon's Breakfast.'"

Oh, no. Oh, no.

And I went, "Oh, but I didn't mean you, I meant another Big Sharon."

And she says, "Well, I've had a look at Callie's Instagram an' aw."

Mine? Aye. So this is partly your fault

cos you posted a photo of you and Sharon at work

and I'd commented that Big Sharon eats cakes for breakfast,

and then she sacked me. Oh, no.

Oh, no. And I was heading downstairs and she called me back.

You know what, Callie? You should learn something from this.

She says to me, "Us women have got to stick together

"so I'll gie you a second chance." Oh, yes. Oh, no. Oh, yes, Callie.

Because by that time I'd already been downstairs,

I'd already been on Facebook and had posted an update saying,

"Big Sharon just sacked me"

and tagged her on a photo of a big box of doughnuts, Callie. Oh, no.

Oh, no is right. Oh, no.

Enjoy your work, everybody, that you've still got.

Bitches.

See that light up there?

I've been willing that to fall on my heid for about two year,

for the compo.

You see that dodgy plug under there?

I've been touching that plug with a wet haun for six months,

hoping to get a weekend off.

It's no' fair, is it?

OK, guys, we've got a really special treat for you today.

Here to talk to you about road safety

is Officer McGregor and Officer Toshan.

Yeah, it's the polis! Woo!

Yeah! Polis, polis, polis, polis!

P-O...

L-I...

Aye, all right, Toshan, let's wind this nonsense up quickly

so we can get doon the bookie's.

Now, the polis are your pals.

Forget about the fact that we're the reason

that hauf your dads are in the jail.

Hauns up whose dads are in the jail.

Oh, that's good.

Naebody likes a grass.

Now, Toshan,

tell our pals exactly how fast a motor would need to be going

to do some seriously gruesome damage to them and their BMXs.

Oh, don't make me dae sums here, McGregor.

Sums are shite, in't they, boys and girls?

KIDS: Yes!

Are we allowed to say shite, aye?

Absolutely not.

Oh, come on, noo, they've all heard the word shite.

Can you please just tell the kids about road safety?

I'm trying to.

Keep your scants on.

KIDS LAUGH

Hey, hey, don't be laughing about your teacher having scants.

Everybody wears scants.

I don't. Please, I have a class to teach.

Right, road safety.

Don't walk oot in front of motors.

Don't try to cross the road with your eyes shut.

Aye, and don't get steaming drunk on a Saturday night

and try to stop a taxi by karate kicking it.

Any questions?

Wee man, put that haun doon

or I'll boot that arm right aff your shoulder.

Noo, who wants to see what happens

when you shoot somebody right in the tongue with a Taser?

ALL: Me! Me! Me!

I thought you didnae want me to shoot you in the tongue with a...

KIDS LAUGH

I've been a DJ in Burnistoun the past 20 years.

Still partying, still getting mad with it.

I do these silent discos now, but, cos, well...

I mean, why should I be the only one that looks like a dick?

SHOES SQUEAK ON FLOOR

Hey! How you doing, man? THEY LAUGH

Still working away, aye?

Aye, mate, still working away.

Yourself? Aye, mate, still working away.

Oh, I love this bit!

HE LAUGHS So, how's the missus?

Oh, we got divorced last year, mate.

Oh, man, it was the worst time of my life, right?

She kept telling me she was having to work late, right?

Aye. But I found out her boss was...

..sending her to training, mate, for a bigger job in Canada, mate.

She's emigrated. Oh, that's brutal, man.

I was depressed, no energy,

I kept waking up every morning and going...

..going straight back to sleep again, mate.

Oh, been there, pal, been there.

What about your family? Your da still playing the golf?

Nah, my da passed away a few months ago, mate.

Oh, sorry to hear that, man.

Aye, my maw came up my door late one night, right?

Comes banging on my door.

I answer it and she goes, "It's your da,

"he's terminal, he's dying."

And she goes...

ALL: Ooooh, yes!

She goes, "You'd better get down that hospital as quick as you can."

I goes down there, mate, I tell you, it was the worst night of my life.

I walked into this wee room, my da's lying in there, right,

all withered away,

a shell of his former self,

and he looks up at me, right, with his eyes all filling up with tears,

and he whispers in my ear,

with his very last breath, mate, he says...

ALL: Here we, here we, here we fucking go!

Here we, here we, here we fucking go!

My job is a master of disguise.

Through next door is this year's master of disguise convention,

where we find out how the master of disguise industry's performing

and pick up on all the latest tricks and techniques.

I don't want anybody to recognise me while I'm here, though,

so I've come disguised as hotel staff.

Vol-au-vent, sir?

QUIET CHATTER

That's shite.

Naebody's turned up.

Is this...? Is this...? Is this...?

Jeremy, I suggested that the new performance criteria

is well within the recommended margins.

Well, there are one or two action items that remain actionable

and we really need to get the needle moving on those as soon as possible.

Excuse me!

Steve Jobbies!

Is this one of thae places? Sorry?

Is this one of the, "Ooh, let's have a business meeting, Jeremy" places?

It's a public space.

Is this one of thae, "Let's Wi-Fi and eye pie

"and interface with Jeremy" places?

I'm sorry. We can conduct business wherever we like these days.

HE MUTTERS

Son, is this or is this no'

one of thae, "Oh, let's eye pie a brown eye

"and shove our Jeremys down everybody's throats" places?

The truth! Can you be quiet?

We're trying to ladder up through our ecosystem here

so we can drill down to a new level of granularity.

Granny whit noo? Granularity.

Your granny whit? Granularity.

Your dirty granny did whit?!

Granularity - detail?

Can you leave us in peace to conduct our business?

I'll be wiggling my business right out that front door,

any mair of this shite, boy.

Up eh road, noo. Up eh road, Joe.

Up eh road, noo. Up eh road, noo, Joe.

Up eh road, noo. Up eh road, noo.

Ah. Up-ah!

Up-ah, up-ah up eh road, noo.

Just let me send a wee e-mail, here.

Up eh road, Joe.

See, where we going, here?

PHONE: We are going up the road.

Up eh road, noo. Up eh road!

Up eh road, noo! Up eh road!

THEY YELL

Unbelievable.

Sorry about that.

Incredible. LAPTOP DINGS

Up eh road, noo! Up eh road!

Up eh road, noo! Up eh road, noo! Get up eh road!

BOTH: Up eh road!