Episode 6 Come Fly With Me

This is our final look at life in one of Britain's busiest airports.

On today's show, Taaj has to deal with some angry passengers.

I've only got two sets of ears, isn't it?

Penny has to work in Economy.

OK, scum, duty-free time! Who wants booze and fags?

And Fearghal consoles a passenger with a birthday.

39. Oof! That is old.

I couldn't imagine being 39. It's like 102 in gay years.

It's 6am.

Thank you, Mr Levatu. Enjoy your flight.

And today is Keeley's first day as FlyLo Check-in Manager.

I need to buy a ticket to Guernsey, please.

- For today, sir? - 15.05?

Certainly, sir.

That will be £283.67 exactly.

If you'd like to put your credit card in the slot.

Just put in your PIN number and there is your boarding pass.

- Thank you. - For your information,

all FlyLo flights to Guernsey have been suspended today due to industrial action.

Next, please.

Despite now being in charge, Keeley is having to man the desks on her own,

as all of her staff have walked out on strike.

A strike?!

And word soon reaches Head Office.

Well, what is the matter with these people?

I already pay them £2 an hour!

Taaj has the unenviable task of having to tell disgruntled passengers

that no FlyLo planes are taking off today.

Everybody, quiet down! I've only got two sets of ears, isn't it?

What's happening with the flight to Marbella?

- It's cancelled. - And what about Lanzarote?

- Cancelled. - What about the flight to Majorca?

Cancelled. Because of the strike, all the flights is cancelled.

I'm here with my wife and kids. This is our holiday.

Thanks to you lot going on strike, you've ruined our holiday.

- No, boss, you ruined your holiday. - How do you work that one out?

Because you was a cheapskate and you booked with a crap airline, isn't it?

No!

I'm 100% behind this strike. They needs to pay us more money

because I'm still living at home with my parents, but I've got to move out

because, like, last night, I was watching Transformers

and I had it paused on the bit where Megan Fox is leaning over the car bonnet,

and my mum walked in and she saw it and it was fully erect.

Although the strike has grounded all FlyLo planes,

other airlines are operating as normal.

On this Great British Air flight to Florida,

Economy is packed, but First Class is deserted.

Well, it was going to be a quiet day anyway.

We only had two passengers booked into First Class

and the passengers in question have just cancelled, which is a dreadful shame.

- Hi, Penny. Did you get the message? - Yeah, such a pity they cancelled.

No, the message about helping us out in Economy?

Piss off!

Penny hasn't had to work in Economy for 20 years.

But today, she has no choice.

Ugh!

PENNY: When you draw back the curtain, the first thing that really hits you

is the stench, and it's the stench of the working man.

I mean, they're virtually like apes, you know.

So if you come at them with some food...

Arrrgh, arrrgh!

..they start attacking you.

Hot towel? Hot towel?

- Hot towel? - I'm all right, thanks.

- No, you should take a hot towel. - I don't want it.

- No, you need to take it. - I told you, no.

Right...here.

Urgh!

Hot towel?

It's 10am, and back down on the ground,

the airport's flying school has a very nervous visitor.

Would you like to come in now, please?

Happy Burger employee Tommy is determined to follow his dream

- of becoming a pilot. - Take a seat.

And today, he has a make-or-break interview at the flying school.

Right...name?

- Tommy. - Tommy what?

Tommy Reid.

Age?

20...

- 20. - ..two.

22?

Aye.

Current occupation?

Burgers.

And what is your main responsibility?

Oh, buns.

Qualifications? Do you have any GCSEs?

Well, you see, we don't have GCSEs in Scotland. We just have Standards.

Oh, I'm sorry, do you have any Standards?

No.

Do you have any hobbies or interests?

- No. - Come on...

you must be able to think of something.

Oh...

No.

Finally, do you have any medical conditions

that would prevent you from becoming a pilot?

Fear of flying.

I think it went really well.

In fact, I dinnae think it could have gone much better.

I wouldnae be surprised if they let me fly a plane tomorrow.

- Oh, did I get it? - I'm sorry?

- Did I get it? - We'll write to you.

Oh, no, don't do that. I cannae read.

Think I got it.

Meanwhile, Chief Immigration Officer Ian Foot is starting his shift.

There are increasing

numbers of people who want to come and live in this country,

and that's because, let's be frank,

it is the greatest country in the world.

So to stem the tide of immigrants, I stop anyone with a foreign-sounding name.

Like Wong or Patel...

or Murphy.

Today, Ian is interrogating a Polish man

who has just arrived on a flight from Warsaw.

Right, now the problem you have, Mr...

Dubrovsky, is I believe it is your plan to work here illegally.

- That is ridiculous. - Well, you say that, Mr...

Dubrovsky.

But there are increasing numbers of people in this country from Poland -

Poles, Polacks, benefit cheats, call them what you will,

who come over here, take our jobs and eat our cabbage.

- That is very offensive. - I tell you what is offensive, Mr...

Dubrovsky, is the floodgates being open to people like you.

How do I know your plan is not to work here illegally as a plumber

or a cleaner or a builder or a lap dancer?

Because I already have a job here.

During the day, maybe, Mr...

..Dubrovsky.

But how do I know, in the evenings,

you're not going to be shaking your booty at Spearmint Rhino?

Because I am the Polish Ambassador to the United Kingdom.

What I'm going to do is I'm going to let you in this time

and I wish you a pleasant stay.

The way you've spoken about my countrymen is disgusting.

I'm going to make a formal complaint about you. What is your name?

Sheila Bennett.

I want to know the name of this gentleman who has just interviewed me.

His attitude was absolutely outrageous.

Many people who pass through the airport require extra attention.

And they are the responsibility of Corinne.

My job is to greet people coming off the aircraft

who have special needs. For example, today,

I'm meeting an elderly gentleman who's flying in from Saudi Arabia

who has mobility issues, and I'll be there to guide him through the airport,

passport control, baggage reclaim and into his taxi as smoothly as possible.

Corinne has worked at the airport for five years.

When I originally applied for this post, I was turned down.

But it went to an industrial tribunal and I was given the job.

But the airline now does have to employ someone to wheel me,

and that person is Bob.

I am Bob.

Some people have suggested that I shouldn't have this job.

But I say that those people are just being racist against disableds.

I'm actually glad to be taking part in this documentary

because if you think about it, how many disabled people are there on TV?

David Blunkett, Stephen Hawking, Piers Morgan.

Our Lady Air cabin crew member Fearghal is desperate

to win the Steward of the Year Competition.

But on today's flight to Barcelona, he's being less than attentive,

as he's waiting for the nominations to be announced.

Well, you're not supposed to have your phone on during the flight.

It can interfere with the aircraft's navigation system

and could cause the plane to crash,

but this is obviously a very important call.

TANNOY: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for flying Our Lady Air.

We're about to begin our descent so please fasten your seatbelts

and say three Hail Marys.

- Excuse me? - Yes?

We've only been in the air 40 minutes. We can't be landing in Barcelona yet.

No, we are. We're landing at Shannon, Barcelona.

- Shannon, Barcelona? - That's right.

But Shannon's in Ireland.

Yes, madam. In order to keep our fare prices competitive we do sometimes land

at airports a little further away from the city centre.

But we're landing in Ireland. That's nowhere near Barcelona.

Oh, no, don't worry. A short coach transfer to your final destination

is included in the price of your ticket.

Shannon to Rosslare, catch the ferry, down at Dover,

over to Calais, through France, across the Pyrenees and into Barcelona

- in time for your evening meal. - Which evening?

- Tuesday. - That's absolutely...

- Excuse me, can you watch your language, please, madam? - I'm just...

I don't want to have to use the restraints.

PHONE RINGS Cor!

Hello? Hello?

Hel...?

Can you turn the thrusters down? I can hardly hear!

Thank you.

Yes?

Really? Well, that's fantastic news, thank you so much!

I'll see you there!

Yes!

- Excuse me? - Yes?

You're not allowed to use mobile phones on an aeroplane. I could report you for that.

Oh, really? Well, I've just been nominated for Steward Of The Year,

so shove that up your fat arse.

Shepherd's pie or mushroom risotto?

It's two hours into the flight to Florida,

and Penny is struggling to come to terms with her new environment.

Urgh, don't touch me!

The noise, the people.

There's only one word to describe them. Savages.

And I just poked my head in the lavatorium.

It's positively medieval in there.

Ladies and... People of cattle class, may I have your attention, please?

I have just returned from an inspection

of the on-board convenience, and one of you has left it in a revolting state.

Who didn't flush? Come on. Who didn't flush?

It was someone who had the mushroom risotto.

Hands up if you had the mushroom risotto.

PENNY: This whole frightful situation

would never occur in First Class. People in First Class don't forget to flush.

They're very diligent flushers.

And if they do, it doesn't matter

because their stools are perfectly formed and odour-free.

NARRATOR: It's midday, and back in the terminal the FlyLo strike

is causing knock-on problems for coffee-kiosk employee Precious,

who's having to close early.

PRECIOUS: We got the coffee,

we got the milk, we got the water, we got the fire, we got the sugar

and we got the sweetener for our fat friend

who is afflicted with the diabesity.

Praise be to Jesus, he died for our sins!

But today, we got no customer.

All them FlyLo staff is on strike.

Them folk just lazy, lazy, lazy.

They doesn't know what hard work is.

I've been working at this kiosk, day in, day out, for 20 year now,

and in that time, I sold over 100 cup of coffee.

But today, this airport just empty

so me got no option but to close early, which as you know, me hates to do.

Well, you know what they say.

Them low-cost airlines is the work of the Devil.

Corinthians, chapter 2, verses 10 to 11.

Closed!

NARRATOR: Over in Departures, Moses is collecting for charity.

MOSES: As you may know, I do

a lot of work behind the scenes for my charity, WishWings,

if you'll pardon the pun.

Basically, it's free flights for very ill children.

We take sick kids and we give them a break from being ill.

Well, I mean, they're still ill but they're on a plane.

And I'm very excited because I'm actually releasing

a charity single, which I'm hoping will be Christmas number one.

It's a cover of the West Life classic, Flying Without Wings.

And I've posted the video on YouTube.

So I'll just show you that.

(TUNELESSLY) # Everybody's looking for that something

# One thing that makes it all complete

# You'll find it in the strangest places

# Places you never knew it could be... #

I played all the instruments myself.

I don't like to blow my own trumpet but I did actually blow my own trumpet!

# ..And it's like flying without wings

# Cos you're my special thing

# I'm flying without wings... #

I love you, Moses.

I love you, child.

# I'm flying without wings. #

As you can see, it's already had seven hits

so it's something of an internet phenomenon.

Do I hope it brings my music to a wider audience? Yes.

Do I also hope it raises some money for sick children? Yeah.

That would be a bonus.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in Baggage Handling...

..the strike is having an unexpected effect.

JOHN: I'm all for going

- on strike, me. - We don't work for FlyLo, Dad.

Yeah, but it's solidarity, though, innit, boy? With my FlyLo brothers.

What about all those cases from Lufthansa?

Nah! Point of principle. Won't touch 'em.

Right, I'm off.

- Where are you going? - I'm going home, boy!

Well, when you get home, can you do your washing-up?

Nah, mate. I'm on strike, aren't I?

It's lunchtime and the busy period for the airport pub,

- run by Ray and Anne Wilkins. - Me and the wife

used to run a lovely little country pub in Wiltshire, called The Yeoman's Rest.

- A lovely pub, wasn't it, Ray? - Yeah.

We used to live above it.

I'd do ploughman's during the week and then roast of a Sunday.

Beef, lamb or pork.

It's very different now.

Now, to get to work, we have to park the car three mile away and get on a monorail.

- Lamb was the most popular. - Yeah.

My dream is to turn this place into more of a local.

Hello, there! Usual, is it?

I've never been here before.

I'm hoping people will love the atmosphere so much,

they'll think, "Bugger the flight, I'm staying here."

You've tried everything, though, ain't you, Ray?

Karaoke, stand-up comedy, Friday-night disco,

badger-baiting.

RAY: The trouble is, the longest anyone has ever stayed here is 12 minutes.

- NARRATOR: Over at Happy Burger... - TOMMY: I've got it!

..Tommy's received a letter from the flying school.

"Dear Tommy,

"thank you for your application.

"Unfortunately, you do not have the required...qualif...

"qauli...quali..."

- Qualifications. - "..qualitifications.

"We wish you luck in the future."

Sorry about that, Tommy.

Bad luck, Tommy.

TOMMY: That's it. Never going to be a pilot.

So I'm going to hand in my notice

cos the only reason I was working here was to help me become a pilot.

I actually live 400 miles away.

I have to get seven buses in every morning.

Some days the traffic's so bad that I just have to stay here overnight

and sleep on a bed of nuggets

and use, like, a bun as a pillow.

Back at the WishWings stall, there's an emergency.

Moses has collapsed and the airport's paramedics waste no time

in calling an ambulance.

The children! The children! How are the children?!

- Stay nice and relaxed. - I must help the children!

As his colleagues fear the worst, Moses is rushed to hospital.

(BLEEPING)

I don't think I'm going to make it.

All I care about is that my charity, WishWings, lives on.

If you'll pardon the pun.

And can you ask Elton John to sing at my funeral?

Or, if he's not available, Leona Lewis.

Over at Special Services, Corinne's helper Bob has hurt his back.

With the FlyLo strike in full flow, no-one is manning the sales desk.

Typical.

My first complaint is that there's no-one to complain to,

which, in itself, is a pretty serious complaint.

Secondly, we have had - and I'm not going to beat about the bush -

the holiday from hell.

After last week's catastrophe, FlyLo recommended

that we go to the little-known African island of Tubutu.

It wasn't long before the dark art of voodoo raised its ugly head.

Yes, thank you, Peter.

We landed at the airport and, within seconds,

we were kidnapped by a voodoo tribe.

I thought, "We didn't sign up for this excursion

"but, hey-ho, let's keep an open mind."

We were taken to the jungle...

All in good time, Peter.

We were taken to the jungle and tied to a tree.

In the process, they ripped my cagoule.

Night fell and the high priestess put a curse on Peter.

She then produced a voodoo doll and manipulated Peter

into impregnating all the young females of the tribe.

There were 17 in total, virgins.

There were 17 in total, all of them apparently virgins.

It was abhorrent for me to watch

and, if I know Peter, he would've found it deeply degrading.

I was banging away till dawn.

- Peter, don't be so crude! - Sorry, Judith.

He was rutting away till dawn.

Fortunately, after eight or nine hours, Peter was spent

and the high priestess very kindly gave us a lift back to the airport.

I must say, for as long as I live, I would never go back there.

I would.

It's 5pm and Ian Foot is clearing out his office.

After a formal complaint by the Polish Ambassador,

he has been suspended on full pay.

I've come to expect this sort of thing. I was suspended a couple of years back.

A gentleman in a wheelchair came through border control.

He had a British passport but an American accent.

So I asked him to step aside... Well, wheel aside.

Turned out it was Professor Stephen Hawking.

But you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs.

Or indeed adding butter and seasoning.

I bounced back from that and I'll bounce back from this.

What I'll probably do now is go home, open a tin of soup, see what's on TV,

and if I'm still feeling down this afternoon, I'll call a prostitute.

Not a Polish one. A British one, obviously.

Also heading home is Tommy,

who has just finished his final shift at Happy Burger

and is bidding a fond farewell to the airport.

Why haven't you got any clothes on, Tommy?

Eh? I had to give the uniform back.

Thing is, my foster mother always told me that if I didnae make it as a pilot,

it was important to have something to fall back on.

So I'm going to apply to become a spaceman.

Thank you very much, sir.

It's been three hours since Moses was rushed to hospital.

But to everyone's surprise, he's back at his stall.

What happened was I blew too hard on a balloon, and I fainted.

I think it's ironic that this happened while I was helping others.

Maybe sometimes I give too much.

Anyway, at the hospital, I had a lot of test and scans,

and the doctor said that from now on, I'm going to have to use one of these.

And even that's quite strenuous.

It's seven o'clock, and with the strike now crippling all FlyLo services,

Omar Baba decides to tackle the ringleaders face to face.

Boy! Come!

Because FlyLo doesn't pay us enough, isn't it? Yeah, yeah?

Because we is working too many hours, isn't it? Yeah, yeah?

We need to confront this Omar Baba

and we need to tell him that we is not going to take it any more. You get me?

- Yeah? You get me? - (SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT)

Yeah? You get me? Yeah? You get me? Oh...um...oh...

- Hello, Mr Baba. - Please...carry on.

Hmm?

Oh, no, I wasn't doing anything. I was just listening to, um, some other people.

In fact...in fact, it was her. She's actually quite a shit-stirrer.

Please...be seated.

I am a humble man.

When I started this airline, all I had was a dream...

and £3.2 billion my father gave me.

And now FlyLo is the UK's seventh favourite...

Eighth!

..eighth favourite low-cost airline.

To me, FlyLo is a family,

and you are my children.

I know you all by name...

Pet-e.

Jane-et.

And, ah, my oldest friend, Trainee. (CHUCKLES)

How many times have we laughed together about the low-cost airline business, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Ew.

We are family.

We must pull together.

What is 18-hour shift between family, huh?

(MURMURING)

What is inadequate toilet facilities between family?

ALL: Yeah!

What is highly flammable uniforms between family?

- ALL: Yeah! - Come on, be a family...

and go back to work.

OK!

First thing tomorrow, have them all fired.

Yes, sir.

The big night has arrived,

and Fearghal is about to find out if he's been named Steward of the Year.

- Good luck, Fearghal. - Thank you.

So, I get a call from my agent, who said,

"Dale, would you present the Steward of the Year awards?"

And I thought, "A room full of trolley dollies?

"Too camp for me. No, thank you!"

- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) - That's good, a good gay joke.

Now, I know you have all been going wild in the aisles

just to get your hands on this...

- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - ..the fabulous golden trolley.

So, here are your nominations.

- Mary O'Mara... - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

..Seamus O'Shaughnessy, Larry O'Leary,

- Denise O'Donaghey... - (CHEERING)

- ..and Fearghal O'Farrell. - Whoo!

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

I haven't been this excited since Boots did a two-for-one on Fake Bake.

(LAUGHTER)

The winner is...

- ..Fearghal O'Farrell... - Yes!

Oh, thank you, God!

..and Mary O'Mara!

- (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) - What?

The judges have decided that this year it will be shared, which is wonderful,

so Fearghal and Mary, come and join me!

Well done. Congratulations.

Oh, my God! Thank you so much for this award.

You know what, I think it's great that it's being shared,

because being cabin crew is all about teamwork.

I just want to say thank you, guys, and I share this with you.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Bullshit.

(MURMURING)

There's no way I'm sharing this award with her.

I scored 100% in those customer satisfaction forms.

I know, because I filled in every one myself.

I force-fed nuts to a man with a nut allergy and then saved his life,

and I slept with the chairman of Our Lady Air.

I'm having this. Thank you and good night.

What's got into her(?)

- Gay orange turd. - (SILENCE)

Yeah, I really enjoyed the evening.

The meal was very nice. It was good seeing Dale again.

Had a wee bit of banter!

I used to really respect you till you did those adverts for Cash My Gold.

Dale Winton, you've destroyed your legacy!

And, of course, it was amazing to win the award.

It's just a shame I ended up getting fired,

and my career in the aviation industry is now in tatters.

Question 41...

At the pub, Ray has decided to host a quiz

in a last-ditch effort to keep his customers for more than six minutes.

..played his sidekick, George Carter?

Don't shout it out, just write it down.

- Question 42... - TANNOY: Final call for passengers...

How many darts championships has Eric Bristow won?

TANNOY: ..passengers for Amsterdam...

Question 43.

Cockney duo Chas and Dave had four top-10 hits.

Can you name them?

- TANNOY: ..flight to Barcelona... - Come back here.

- Ray! - Where are you going?

Ray, leave it!

What nickname was given to the former England cricket captain Ian Botham?

- Get off me, woman. - Ray, they've got a plane to catch.

Which popular Irish broadcaster was the first presenter

of the BBC One quiz show Blankety Blank?

Who played Aunt Sally in Worzel Gummidge?

How many years has EastEnders been running?

Ray!

Who wrote the Daily Mail cartoon strip, Fred Basset?

Ray!

Which Carry On regular starred in Bless This House?

Ray!

Who played Vera Duckworth in Coronation Street?

Which celebrity hairdresser married '60s songstress, Lulu?

(GASPING) Which female tennis star famously dated Sir Cliff Richard?

I think that went very well.

Night falls, and our series draws to a close...

...but life goes on at the airport.

Over at Special Services, things went from bad to worse...

..Peter returned to Tubutu...alone...

and Omar replaced his entire workforce with Vietnamese children.

Hello, sir.

Enjoy your flight. Next, please.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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