Jenny Bede: AAA Comedy Feeds

-Feed my funny!

-Fresh, experimental comedy from BBC Three.

Hi, I'm Jenny Bede and this is AAA,

the show that has a backstage pass to the pop industry.

Coming up later, we have exclusives from Beyonce, Taylor Swift

and Nicki Minaj. But kicking things off,

we have the collaboration that everyone is talking about.

Mumford & Miley Cyrus & Sons.

We are going to be premiering the official music video later,

but now let's have a little look at some behind-the-scenes action.

Shit!

They are, like, my musical heroes, I am so super-excited,

I had, like, four wet dreams last night in anticipation.

What, does that mean...

something different here?

I wasn't crying - I orgasmed. OK, cool.

So apparently our new album,

Songs In The Key Of Our Dead Dog (RIP Nathaniel)

was too predictable.

Management wanted us to be more edgy,

so forced us to team up with this so-called artist, Miley Cyrus,

-who is frankly the Antichrist...

-Fabulous!

-BOTH:

-What?

Yeah, everyone is like, "How is this going to work?" you know,

but I think it's the perfect union.

Like, they do music, I do music, music does me,

I have no gag reflex - it's great.

It is a good excuse to play with this, our new toy.

It's a very rare Abyssinian lute.

It's got no strings whatsoever.

Well, it's a basically reclaimed piece of the True Cross, which

Ben holds up to his heart chakras.

While Marcus simply prays.

And then we drop the banjo.

HE PLANTS KISS

The other day I was listening to Little Panda Man

and I swear, I cried a crotchet.

Oh, my God, speak of the devils.

-Hey!

-Hey, Miley.

How are you? So good to see you all. Hey, how are you?

-How are you?

-Oh, my God,

I'm super into masturbation.

You guys ready to get t'work?

No, "to work".

"To..." Stop it.

How are you doing? Good job. Hi! I am... Guess where I am.

I am in a dressing room, yes, but guess whose dressing room.

Nicki bloody Minaj's, that is who!

< Ssh!

Sorry, OK, erm, so...

-Gimme my wig back!

-OK, just give me one second with it.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS Awesome.

So, yes, I am on set with Nicky Minaj's brand-new kids show

and I have VIP access to the King herself to find out all about it.

I was doing my album and it was cool, you know,

but I was just getting a bit bored killing it, day in, day out

in the studio, and so I was starting to think, I am a lucky bitch.

I'm blessed, I got everything, I got, like, 16 cars - I don't drive.

I've got four yachts - I get seasick. And I'm not bragging,

but I got 479 shoes, not even pairs, just solo shoes. I gots everything.

I got too much,

so I've taken everything back to the natural, you know?

So I was starting to think,

I want to do something for my fans, my Barbz,

because there are things out there for my Barbz

but there are nothing out there for my baby Barbz

and I don't want my baby Barbz getting to the age

of my normal Barbz and not being able to handle their shit.

So I made Lil Nickeez - it's like Sesame Street but educational.

And plus, you learn stuff. We teach everything.

So, sharing, that is an important one, see, I do not teach my Barbz

to share men, so I will not teach my baby Barbz to share toys, no, sir.

OK, what else? Mind your Ps and Qs, your pearls and quistals -

people will jack that shit.

Counting. Don't bother, you'll get an accountant to handle that.

And humility - no, it just makes your hair big.

-Are you ready to go for a take, Nicki?

-Sure. You coming?

Oh, look, Jason, there's that stupid girl we hate.

Oh, yeah, what's her name? Something stupid.

-It's Alana.

-Oh, yeah, Alana.

"Oh, hi, I'm Alana." Look at her stupid head.

Are you going to take that, Alana?

Please, Nicki, don't get me in trouble.

I said, are you going to take that?

What have we said about dealing with bullies? Help me out, friends.

MUSIC STARTS

-# Stand up

-Stand up for yourself

# Stand up to the bully and they'll stop what they're doing

-# Stand up

-Stand up for yourself

# By standing up taller than everyone else

-# Rule one

-Stand tall and proud

-# Rule two

-Let your voice ring loud

-# Rule three

-Keep cool and calm

# Break that fucking motherfucker's fucking arms

# Hi, hi, everybody know me

# Don't pretend you don't Don't be a stupid hoe

# Barking like a dog But I'm the bitch that'll bite

# Throw me a bone, please Homie, blow me

# Stepping up to me Who the eff you think you are?

# I'm the motherfucking queen You're a corgi, you bore me

# Whore, please, I was taught when bitches taunt me

# Kick them in the jaw Remind them who the boss, me!

# Sticks and stones may break my bones

# But names will never hurt me

# Bitch, run home, I'll break yours first and I'll do it with words

# G, I'll puff and I'll blow you all down

# Put your glass slipper up your ass and burn your ball gown

# I'll feed you poison apples I'll climb up your weave

# I'll lock you in the oven till you can't fucking breathe... #

-Cut! Nicki, can I have a word?

-Sure.

-Maybe if we could just lower the threat level a little?

-Oops, sorry.

-It's OK, just take it down to "elevated".

-Will do.

# I'm sorry, please ignore what I said before

# What I really meant to say was just communicate

# Cos talking sorts things Cures our feelings

# If you can't hear my lips Maybe you can read my fists

# I can be nice, I can be charming

# Fluttering my eyes Smile can be disarming

# Just when you think that our past is behind us

# I'll put you in a pie, pie, pie crust!

# Put you in a pie I'll put you in a stew

-# I'll put you in the ground

-Please, Nicki!

# Shut up, dude! I'll shoot you in the face

-We're sorry!

-# Let me tell you straight

-# I swear I'll never...

-Shut up,

-ho! Alana, sorry!

-It's too late

# Tie you up and I'll drown you in a river

# Put a knife in your back and take out both your livers

# Gon' need more than a plaster to last this disaster

# Remember who your master, bitch Happy ever after. #

Cut!

Perfect.

Aussie pop sensation and newlywed Peter Andre has started

filming his latest in a long line of fly-on-the-wall documentaries.

This time, simply entitled Peter On Dre.

MUSIC: "Still Dre" by Dr Dre

I think what I like most about Dre is his sense of humour.

Like, get this,

did you know that he actually released his album 2001...

in 1999?

HE CHUCKLES

Classic Dre.

Boo!

So, following the news that Beyonce gone done dropped yet another

surprise album, this time with 412 songs and nearly 7,000 videos,

we at AAA have done a bit of sniffing around to uncover some of those

that didn't quite make the cut.

Take a look at this.

# I've been snacking

# I've been snacking

# Hot diggity damn Eating ham with my man

# Smell it smoking, smell it smoking

# I'm not faking

# Getting off on this bacon... #

Initially thought to be her first single,

Ham In Love was later considered not #22daysveganenough.

# You know I've got to have that... #

MUFFLED SINGING

# I ate the gammon halfway and left it on the chopping board

# Chopping board, chopping board... #

Well, it's obvious why this was dropped.

Far too political.

# I straight up don't believe in wombats

# I believe in you... #

And this was just considered too damn fucking awesome.

# Never seen a wombat

# But I sure as hell seen you. #

Apparently "bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks" actually

refers to Dre's feelings about the cruel industry of show dogs.

As for "lick on these nuts and suck a dick," who knows?

That could be anything.

Classic Dre.

-Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, Taylor Swift, everyone!

-Whoo! Hey!

Thank you so much for coming on, I'm a huge, huge fan. Sorry. You are...

-You're incredibly beautiful.

-Thank you, that's so sweet.

It's weird, even more than I was expecting. You are a fucking enigma.

Oh...

-Thank you.

-You're welcome. So, tell me about the new...

Sorry, your make-up is flawless. What is your secret?

-Well, I would tell you but then I'd have to kill you.

-Yeah, how?

-I'd have you down for, like, poison.

-I was...joking.

-Yeah. Me too.

-So, tell me about your new single.

-OK, yeah, so it's called Screw You.

Mm-hm, and what's it about?

Um, it's kind of about, like, the end of a relationship.

-Ah, another break-up anthem?

-Mm, sort of.

You have come under fire before for using

your ex-boyfriends as inspirations for your songs.

I follow you very closely. Just online.

And I wasn't aware that you'd had a new heartbreak.

Can you tell us who the lucky/unlucky guy is?

Is it Ed? It's Ed, isn't it? Is it? It's not Ed, sorry, you go.

It doesn't always have to be, like, romance... Like...

Heartbreak is everywhere.

-Break-ups are everywhere. You know?

-Yes. Do you contour?

-What?

-Are you on tour?

-No, I'm here with you.

-OK.

You are making me feel really fat right now. Genuinely. Really...

-average.

-Oh, come on, you are super-cute.

-I'm sorry, what?

-You are, you're super-cute.

OK. Thank you.

So, please, take to the stage and everyone make some noise. Whoo!

Holy Swift, did you get that?

# I remember when we first got together

# Nothing felt easier or simpler or better

# In the past it had always been a big drama

# Yes, no, maybe, but you were calmer

# You lit up each room and my whole life

# Always giving, you were there to provide

# I turned you on, you kept me warm

# Then it all fell down on the night of the storm

# You left me to fend for myself

# There in the darkness, nobody else

# I tripped over my dog and I stubbed my toe

# So I'm saying goodbye I'm letting you go

# So screw you, Southern Electric

# I don't need you anyway

# No way

# Cos I've got friends in blankets

# Oh-oh

# And I could never get through to you

# When I needed to You put me on hold

# Now it's time to embrace the cold... #

I know, I actually said that

(I'm so brave)

# I'm not gonna miss you sending round a friend to read my meter

# And I'm not going to miss your accusations that

# I don't know how to work on my own heater

# I'm not going to miss your stupid website

# Or your payment system that's, like, so outdated

# And I was like, right, I know, really?

# Who still even uses a chequebook?

# So screw you

# Southern Electric

# I don't need electricity anyway

# No way

# Cos I've got a shit tonne of candles

# And a fax machine

# I don't need the internet

# I can write a letter with a real pen

# Now it's time to start again. #

MUSIC: "Still Dre" by Dr Dre

Did you know that the D-dot-R-dot-E in Still D-dot-R-dot-E

stands for Doing Really Excellent.

You know, which he is, he is doing really excellent.

Classic Dre.

SHE HUMS TUNE

Alarms have been raised and social media websites are crashing

as reports of a new wave of secret Prince gigs are upon us.

After playing to thousands at this year's music festivals,

it's rumoured that Prince wants to scale things back again by doing

a warm-down leg of secret and intimate gigs,

this time more secret and intimate than ever before.

Last seen in Penge, we are unaware of his current location

and we don't know where he's next due to hit.

At present there doesn't seem to be any predictable pattern, and as you

can see from this shocking footage, he will leave no stone unturned.

# This is what it sounds like

# When doves cry... #

We do know that he thrives in a damp environment.

Ha, he's on the toilet!

Come on, man! Give me some privacy!

# She got a raspberry beret

# The kind you find in a second-hand store... #

And if past behaviour is anything to go by, he will most likely be

found in one of the Home Counties or the general Midlands area,

so people in these vicinities should perhaps be more alert than normal.

-# ..birthday, dear... #

-MUSIC: "Kiss" by Prince

-Where's that coming from?

-Is it coming from my bag?

-Have a look.

# You don't have to be beautiful... #

Fuck me, it's Prince.

# To turn me on...

We encourage you all to stay vigilant and, remember,

keep your wits about you during this time of uncertainty.

Get some milk, make it creamy.

MUSIC: "1999" by Prince

Well, that's nearly it for us now

but come back next time for an even deeper probe into the music industry.

Where we will have an exclusive first listen to Kanye's new album,

the sequel to Yeezus - Yod - and a live interview with new super group

OneMcBoyzMcHansonMen McWantedDirectionMcBackstreet McBoyzone,

and we will be answering the question on everyone's lips.

Is Drake an actual drake? The results may shock you.

In the meantime,

I will leave you in the capable hands of these sassy bastards.

Peace, love and kittens. Mwah!

-ELECTRONIC VOICE:

-# It's my party I can cry if I want to

# It's my party I get high if I want to

# It's my party, no smoking indoors

# It's my party Bring a bottle or four

# Invoking the Apollo and Bacchus and Venus

# Revellers will revel soon

# Listening to Tupac and Biggie and Snoop

# And getting myself in the mood

# The goat milk's fermented, the bonfire's alight

# The bottle, it's ready to spin

# The cocktails are blended

# But it's nearly midnight

# Someone should surely come in

# Cos it looks like I'm partying all on my own

# No-one to talk to but me

# The bangers went in nearly four hours ago

# I've got nine wheels of vegan Brie

# Yes, it looks like I'm partying all on my own

# A soiree for one... #

Um, four.

# It's just me, myself, and Molly Malone

# All on my own once more

# Then I look into the distance

# And I realise I'm no longer alone... #

Banjo!

# I'm not alone

# I'm not alone

# I'm not alone

# I'm not alone

# I'm not alone

# I'm not alone

# I'm not alone

# I'm not alone

# I wish I was alone

# Leave me alone, leave me alone

# Like all of the haters before

# Don't need no-one else

# Don't need anyone else

# Leave me alone to crawl

# Leave him alone to cry through the night

# Leave her to writhe on the floor

# Leave me to heal and to lick all my wounds

# And the table, the cheese, the door

# So leave me alone

# Leave me alone

# I just want to party alone

# I have the music so deep up inside me, I don't need nobody, oh, no

# We don't need nobody, no, no. #