Frankie Boyle's Referendum Autopsy

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Mr Frankie Boyle!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello and welcome to the Referendum Autopsy.

After months of campaigning and conflict,

we finally know the answer to whether Scotland wants to be

a free and independent country

and that answer is no.

Now, a polarising referendum is a tricky thing to cover,

but at least the BBC are proving they're open to full and frank

debate by showing this programme after the election

on iPlayer only.

LAUGHTER

Not that the BBC is incapable of presenting Scotland accurately.

Doctor Who is Scottish and it's difficult to think of a more

archetypal Scottish character - an old man armed with a screwdriver,

dragging young women into a phone box.

"They call me The Doctor!

"I'm taking you back to the 1970s."

I think that what Scotland needs to do now

is put England on the back foot,

do something that the English won't expect

and the last thing they expect is for us to become an Islamic caliphate.

IS - Independent Scotland.

Of course, we need to learn how to treat women slightly better,

but we can change.

If you feel offended by anything in the show, feel free to

tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a 10-year-old in China.

David Cameron kicked things off

by saying Scotland's "silent majority" must step forward.

I've never met a silent Scottish person in my life.

In fact, the only time I've ever seen a Scottish guy go silent is

when he's just been told the price of a pint by a London barman.

I think if we'd currency,

it should have been called "legal tender, you prick".

Quite a few bizarre celebrities got involved -

June Sarpong spoke up for the No campaign,

because I often ask myself what would June Sarpong do...

..in any political quandary?

June Sarpong is the name that people at Google type in

to check if it's working.

On the day of the vote, Andy Murray came out in favour of Yes.

Andy Murray is worth £100 million.

If I was worth £100 million,

I would never play tennis again.

I'd turn up to my next match dressed as a pirate,

roll my cock out on the baseline

and make Hawkeye take a picture.

At least Scotland can now get back to doing what it does best -

if only we could work out what that is.

All we know is, it's not football or parenting.

Say what you like about Alex Salmond,

he showed us all what an independent future might look like.

And also, what a frog's come face might look like.

Now, you're probably wondering what the show will be like.

Well, I'll be speaking about the referendum

with some guests for some of it,

then I'll say some things that I believe in,

people will come on to disagree, we'll kick it around a bit

and eventually, the audience will vote on whether I'm right or wrong.

Before you know it, the show will be over. Ten years will go by.

You'll get married, have kids. The kids will grow up and leave.

You'll be happy. But will any of it be real?

How do you know that any of it is really happening?

One night, you'll plunge your hand into a fire,

just so you can feel something and draw back a black and burning stump.

As you die, screaming on your own kitchen floor,

you'll look into the eyes of God,

who will scream obscenities at you in Arabic.

God will crumple you up and throw you into an eternal,

fiery hell as you or I would throw

a wanked-on sock into a neighbour's garden.

But that's all for later! For now, let's get on with the show!

Now, because many people consider me a cunt,

the BBC...

APPLAUSE

Don't clap!

WHOOPING

The BBC have decided that I can't be trusted on my own

and have insisted that I'm joined by a couple of guests

to make sure I don't go too far.

Arguing against me tonight,

please welcome Sara Pascoe and Katherine Ryan.

Hello.

Hi.

Welcome, thanks for coming. Have you been following the referendum?

Yes.

- Enjoy it? - It was entertaining.

I know it wasn't just for entertainment purposes...

It was quite serious.

I suppose if it's not your life being ruined...

LAUGHTER

..there were quite a few laughs to be had!

I would have been really sad if Scotland had gone, but if I was

Scottish, that wouldn't necessarily have been the way I'd have voted.

But would you have been quite sad sort of in the way that if people

had told you they weren't making Starburst any more?

Are they not making Starburst any more?

No, they're still making Starburst.

You brought me here to tell me that?

What a weird way to break it to you.

What happened in the Quebec referendum?

A similar thing, wasn't it?

It looked like the Yes campaign took a lead

and then it all just fizzled out.

Well, Canadians went about it in a very different way.

The Yes vote was far ahead and we had a PM at the time,

Jean Chretien. Nobody liked him,

he was as unpopular in Quebec as David Cameron is in Glasgow.

We didn't send politicians to Quebec.

We lowered air fares - well, it wasn't me -

someone lowered air fares

and Canadians themselves did this pilgrimage

right before the referendum and the people really said,

"We appreciate your Francophone culture and we want you to stay."

It was more of a...

thing of the people. They did stay.

Has anyone ever made a film of that?

Cos if they cast that with dogs, it would be amazing.

You know, like sometimes they have those adventure films?

- Yeah. - Where dogs travel over mountains?

It would be like that, but with also politics.

I think most films would be better with dogs.

- Yes. I agree. - Anyway. Er...

We asked you, in a sort of spirit of show and tell,

to bring in your favourite moment from the referendum.

- What did you choose, Sara? - I picked an amazing YouTube clip...

I would title it "the most persistent heckler in the world".

This is about five days before the vote.

It's all the Labour MPs arriving in Glasgow with their luggage.

- Can we watch it? - Yes.

Yep.

Our imperial masters have arrived!

Welcome, our imperial masters!

Welcome to Scotland!

This is your imperial masters.

The Labour Party have come so you can bow down before them.

SINGS EMPIRE STRIKES BACK THEME TUNE

Bow down, everybody!

LAUGHTER

What I love about it...

I keep watching it, it's had about 500,000 views, most of them me,

but what I really love is the idea that he probably does this

every day, just around the street,

and he just turned a corner and the timing was perfect and suddenly...

he stopped being a lunatic and became this amazing satirist!

Normally, he's just following his ex-girlfriend

and creating some real social problems.

I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend.

That would have been a nightmare train to be on, that Labour train.

That would have been the busiest first-class to Scotland ever.

Normally, it's just me and Duncan Bannatyne.

Katherine, did you bring anything in?

Yes. I really enjoyed Alex Salmond

and there were some interesting press shots taken of this gentleman

throughout the campaign. I think we should take a look at some of them.

OK.

I'm not sure what tree that is - I THINK it's a yew tree...

He's quite unselfconscious.

David Cameron wouldn't give you a bite of his Solero.

Well, if he did, he wouldn't have his jacket just slung

over his shoulder in a jaunty pose.

I don't think anyone would.

Next, here is Alex Salmond embracing.

You know, he's a man of the ladies.

It's a firm grasp he's got on her, as well.

She might fertilise his fish eggs.

Don't worry, I'd say that

if David Cameron looks like the kind of man who'd strangle women,

Alex Salmond looks like the guy he'd hire to bury them after.

Next one?

LAUGHTER

That's made my cock retreat so far into my body,

I need to tie a string around it and pull it out like a wobbly tooth.

Now, it's not just Katherine

and Sara I have to argue with tonight - I have an entire room

full of people to bitterly disagree with - my studio audience.

APPLAUSE

Tonight, they have all the power, as at the end of each debate,

they'll be deciding whether I'm right or wrong in a formatting decision

I may well end up regretting. On with the show.

Tonight, I'll be making three propositions.

First up - the No campaign relied heavily on the use of fear

to convince people to vote No, which brings me to this proposition.

The mainstream media are a bunch of lying bastards.

APPLAUSE

The scare stories seem to have worked.

The No campaign managed to make people afraid of uncertainty,

an incredible achievement in Scotland

when you're dealing with people who wake up every second Saturday

uncertain of where they are and their HIV status.

But the basic proposition here is this -

the press and the big TV channels threw everything at this,

abandoned any pretence of impartiality and it worked.

Much of the campaign focused on negativity and fear.

Do you think I'm being unfair to the media?

I think lying is a very strong word in terms of the media.

I think sometimes we can be a bit adolescent

in our approach to things, guys.

The media itself, by calling it one thing, it's like saying, "the man".

Trying to fight something that's cohesive - well, it's not.

It's lots of individuals who have different agendas.

I don't think there are people who sit down and intentionally...

I think people try to entertain and sell papers,

but I don't think they intentionally go, "I'm going to mislead people."

If you asked journalists, they would say it'd be unethical

if we didn't warn people of the effects of what could happen.

They don't want to make it easy for you. The media.

It's like a puzzle - they'll give you little clues

and you've got to do some of the work.

Like when they say, "Emma Watson - hot ass, nude photos", what they're

really saying is, "Oh, she's giving a UN speech about gender equality."

Then they say, "Oh, girl goes missing!"

What they're really saying is, "White girl goes missing."

Yeah. Well, some people saw the media's true priorities

when channels like Sky News, that had led with a story about someone

getting hit with an egg, laughed off a near riot in George Square.

Mark White is in George Square in Glasgow

where a pro-union crowd has gathered

and let's say there's been a little ballot box leftovers going on there,

which the police are having to handle. Tell us more, Mark.

Yes, for the most part, it's been fairly good humoured.

It's certainly been boisterous and there's been a lot of singing

- and chanting... - Fuck her in the pussy!

And as you can hear...

there are still one or two people in fine voice...

Well, there you go. Anyway...

There you go. That's his...

His face said, occasionally,

people will scream "fuck her in the pussy" in your ear.

That guy didn't even get off his phone. "No, not you, Dad. Not you."

Of course, a big factor in the campaign

was the use of social media.

The Yes campaign dominated Twitter, but the problem is there's

so much noise on there, it's hard to take anything constructive out of it.

No matter what you say about the referendum, you'll get abuse.

You couldn't say anything.

That's how you can tell how sensitive and important an issue it is,

by how many times someone calls you a fat lesbian whore.

Yeah, I got a few of those.

It shows you how mainstream these people are, as well,

because JK Rowling was a massive voice.

"Oh, JK Rowling thinks this."

It's almost as if being a billionaire

and feeling that the status quo is pretty good go hand-in-hand.

"I see you're all eating from food banks - well, personally

"I'm sitting on top of a mountain of children's pocket money...

"..like a dragon in a fucking fairy story...

"..and everything looks fine from up here.

"Maybe you could teach your children to quack in the street

"on the off-chance that blind people will throw them bread?"

The press in particular embraced the use of fear

to scare Scots into voting No. During the campaign,

the papers featured some fairly sensational headlines.

Let's have a look.

Banks will leave Scotland if the independence vote is Yes.

This is the Royal Bank of Scotland who were bailed out to the tune of

billions of pounds and still chain disposable pens to the fucking desk.

They aren't even really a bank,

because a bank is something that keeps money. They're not a bank!

My kid got a tenner from his granny at Christmas. He's still got it.

He's a better bank than the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Statistically, my couch is a better bank.

Scottish face losing multimillion pound artworks...

Send those back to England.

"Did this Turner originally have a giant Tipp-Ex cock on it?"

"Yes."

LAUGHTER

And why independence could put Scotland

in danger of Russian invasion.

From Business Insider!

Not even a totally mad newspaper, but a proper magazine!

It does make you worry they do know something!

I wonder what the game of Risk must be like in Russia?

"Yes, get Scotland, that's vital.

"Once you get Scotland, then you can get Greenland,

"then you control the world's ice supply.

"You control the penguins, you control everything!"

It's so obvious these headlines are made up and created to scare us -

why do we let newspapers get away with it?

To discuss that, please welcome the former editor of The Scotsman

and current professor of journalism

at the University of Kent, Tim Luckhurst.

Thanks for coming on, Tim.

Do you think there were scare stories, or...bias?

Newspapers are supposed to be biased, Frankie, that's what they're for.

Newspapers express opinions.

If you want straight facts, you get them from broadcasters.

In this country, we have a simple separation between newspapers,

which are partisan, angry, political and they support a political stance.

They have readers who know they support that stance.

Then we have broadcasters,

that are there to tell a straight, objective, impartial story.

I think the referendum reflected that perfectly.

The newspapers were angry and they were biased

and they were polemical and the broadcasters told the truth.

- We're very lucky, we get both. - OK.

Well, we had in Scotland 45% of people voting Yes and they had

one paper that represented them, which was the Sunday Herald,

which isn't even owned by a Scottish company.

So the majority of the Scottish media didn't represent

45% of the population, would be an obvious point.

Actually, your argument is wrong.

Yes, the Sunday Herald was pro independence,

but the Guardian, which is widely influential

and more read by broadcasters,

more likely to set the news agenda in Scotland than any other paper,

sadly even more than The Scotsman, that I used to edit.

The simple truth is that the Guardian advanced the argument

that independence was the progressive solution for Scotland.

What I'd say to you, Tim, if you're saying I'm wrong,

is that the Guardian isn't a Scottish paper and it said to vote No.

That seems a strange argument to make!

Its final leader said to vote No, but its correspondents

and columnists made a very passionate argument.

It allowed some columnists to say yes.

It didn't allow them, it encouraged them to.

The media isn't all one thing, admittedly.

It's not all one thing and they all have slightly different agendas,

but overall, it's a very similar agenda.

There's another point here, and it's crucially important.

Throughout this campaign in which you're complaining that biased

newspapers persuaded Scots not to vote for independence, actually,

support for independence grew and I think that's for a crucial reason.

It's because newspapers don't create public opinion, they follow it.

These newspapers in Scotland supported No

because they thought the majority of the population supported No.

If you want to see examples...

Tim, 45% of them didn't support No and weren't reflected in any way.

They got the Sunday Herald, that was all they got.

They got a lot of online campaigning...

We know there's online, people can be different.

The reason online campaigning is different is

because it's not owned by different...

Rupert Murdoch, Trinity Mirror, it's owned by the people

themselves on Twitter sites and Facebook sites or whatever.

It's a question of plurality, isn't it?

Well, we have plurality of the media in this country.

We have laws which require there to be plurality of mainstream

newspaper ownership and broadcast ownership. I repeat...

They're not very good laws, because Rupert Murdoch owns half of it.

- He doesn't own half of it! - He owns far too much of it.

It's an absolute nonsense to suggest that they are all

owned by a few big, expensive external foreign owners.

You're trying to suggest I'm giving some kind of outrageous,

left-field opinion. You know it's a perfectly mainstream opinion.

And you should know headlines are like punch lines.

They're meant to entertain.

I've got one more headline from the campaign we showed to you.

Can we just have a wee look at it

and ask ourselves how they reached this shocking conclusion?

I was going to say not from a crazy newspaper,

but it is from the Scottish Daily Mail.

Do you want me to explain it to you?

I know what the headline is.

The headline is actually about cyber-attacks on Scotland,

which are as unlikely as alien invasion, I would have argued.

No, cyber-attacks on the security infrastructure of the United Kingdom

happen all the time, many of them

run by the People's Republic of China.

FRANKIE LAUGHS

Yeah, I can see why China would want

to take down an independent Scotland's computer network.

- No, that wasn't the point... - "What's the password?"

"Englisharecunts1". "There we go! Got it!"

APPLAUSE

You'd be a great headline writer.

You'd be a brilliant headline writer.

HE LAUGHS

Because you understand the point.

The headline's to make you read the rest of the story.

As an expert in brilliant sensation, you ought to understand

the value of a decent headline, and I'm not going to explain

the value of a headline to a man who writes such great punch lines,

I'm really not.

Tim... OK, you're on shaky ground there.

LAUGHTER

Tim, thanks for joining us and giving us the journalist's point of view.

- Thank you, Tim. - Pleasure.

APPLAUSE

I'm in no way convinced that the papers are to be trusted,

but it's down to my studio audience to see if they agree with me or not.

I don't want to influence the vote, but the death rate

among studio audiences who disagree with me is surprisingly high.

If you agree with me that the mainstream press

can't be trusted, it's green.

If you think you can believe them, it's red. Please vote now.

It is quite clearly about as green as could be. So there we have it.

Our audience realise I'm right

and the mainstream media are lying bastards.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, one of the most remarkable aspects of the Scottish referendum

was the way that young people engaged with the debate about their future,

and the fact that for the first time, the voting age was lowered to 16.

Well, my next proposition is this:

As soon as you can make a mark with a crayon,

you know as much as the average voter,

so the voting age should be lowered to two.

And a lot of people think that that's a ridiculous suggestion,

because a lot of Scottish two-year-olds are too drunk to vote.

But...

By the time you've reached my age in life, you're honestly spent,

your life force is spent.

I am 42 and I now ejaculate

with all the force of Mary Berry's icing piper.

LAUGHTER

Let young people have a go at it. It'll work out. What do you think?

I think you're being very silly.

HE LAUGHS

- You talk to me like a two-year-old! - Yes. Because this is the thing.

So, you know in terms of the development of consciousness?

So they say the difference between an animal, a mammal,

and a human baby is that if an 18-month-old baby is in a room

and you roll a ball in, they look to where the ball is going.

This is what pets do, cats and dogs.

But at about two years old, the baby starts to look for

where the ball came from. So why aren't we letting cats vote?

LAUGHTER

I think... I think that's not the worst idea, right?

They've got a very different agenda.

Statistically, cats are going to break into 50-50.

Right? Also, two-year-olds will probably be 50-50.

Then when kids are sort of seven to 12,

they'll do what their parents tell them.

When kids are 12 to 18, they'll do the opposite

of what their parents tell them, and that will break down 50-50.

Statistically, we might as well have everything vote -

hawks...

deer...

But if it's all 50-50, then why have a vote?

Why not?

Just get rid of elections. Have a dictator.

Can you think how much fun it would be making a hawk vote?

We've got two million unemployed in Britain, and how many hawks?

You want them to eat the unemployed?

No, no, no!

What if...

The unemployed will work on hawk voting systems.

Oh, OK. LAUGHTER

If we were to lower the voting age to two, it would mean

politicians would have to bond with voters at an even younger age,

which means we could end up with more terrible moments like this,

from Michael Gove.

You've recently said that you quite like rap music.

So I was wondering, could you give us a taster of your favourite rap?

Oh...

Well I've got so many, but the first rap I probably heard

when I was younger was actually quite a vanilla rap, which was

the Wham Rap, you know, with Andrew Ridgeley and George Michael?

(RAPS) Hey, everybody, take a look at me

I've got street credibility

I may not have a job, but I have a good time

with the boys I meet down on the line.

Erm...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

THEY GROAN

I think the weird thing there is that he'll have asked her to ask him that.

That will be set up.

It's like the sort of thing I'd do to my mum as a kid.

"Ask me to do a rap!" "No." "Ask me to do a rap!"

And then I'd have done the Wham Rap,

completely unaware of its homosexual subtext.

LAUGHTER

Can politicians ever be cool, or ever just not quite painful?

I think Tony Benn was really cool.

- He was cool, wasn't he? - Yeah.

We had a politician in Toronto on a different level of cool,

that smoked crack.

LAUGHTER

- Similar, but different. - Oh, those guys smoke crack.

Do you know, smoking crack is one of the least offensive things

Rob Ford has ever done.

Hates gays, hates women, hates immigrants.

A general asshole.

Does he chill out when he's high, though?

No, it hypes him up! And he goes out on drug runs. But he's so large.

How can you be that fat on crack? He's terrible at doing crack.

LAUGHTER

I think a two-year-old is definitely as capable of critical thought

as this group of eloquent Rangers fans.

Can I ask you, sir?

# You can stick your independence up your arse

# You can stick your independence up your arse

# You can stick your independence

# Stick your independence

# Stick your independence up your arse. #

Rule Britannia, ya fucking bastards!

Rule fucking Britannia!

- We rule the fucking waves! - Calm down.

- Hey... - # We are the people... #

It'll happen anyway.

# We are the people... #

That version of Rule Britannia is why

Last Night of the Proms never comes from Scotland.

LAUGHTER

"And now, with a performance of Rule Britannia, Ya Fucking Bastards..."

LAUGHTER

There was a lot of support for No, actually,

on both sides of the Old Firm divide,

because the SNP brought in an anti-sectarian law,

so there's people going, "They took away our right to mutual hatred!"

"Stand with me, brother!"

They actually bonded over that.

Now, we're here discussing

whether kids should be allowed to vote or not,

so why don't we meet one?

Please welcome an eight-year-old and wee guy, Leon.

APPLAUSE

Take them off, now, Leon.

- How are you doing, man? - Fine.

You're eight? You're an eight-year-old Scottish boy.

What did you think of the referendum?

What would you say happened last week, in your own words?

Well...

There was a lot of fighting.

Did you get involved in any of it?

- Nah. -It's no good, is it?

So, the Yes vote lost. People decided to stay part of Britain.

Were you happy about that?

No? Awww!

- That's heartbreaking. - This is the saddest I've been.

Were you always Yes, or did you start at No, or...?

Well, I started No, and then I changed to Yes.

Cool. What made you change your mind?

Well, when I heard you were Yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Did you find the referendum more or less boring than school?

Less boring than school.

It's less boring than school, isn't it? Everything is.

Do you get punished at school? Are you a bad kid or a good kid?

Bad.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's why you cared about my opinion! Do you know what I mean?

You have this thing as a dad, right, because I've got kids,

where you're supposed to stay positive with your kids

when you tell them off, don't be too negative, you know,

try and keep it light. But sometimes, I'm just standing there thinking,

"I don't see anything positive about this.

"You have done a poo on my carpet...

"..and I am struggling to find an upside."

Do you know how I punish my son?

I tuck his bedclothes in really tight and hope that he has a nightmare

where he's trapped in a giant's pocket.

Why do your parents do if you're bad, then?

Eh...

Pull my ear.

Pull your ear?!

What?!

Stay here, Leon, you're going home with me!

What are you into, what kind of stuff do you like?

- Football. - Football? Who do you support?

- Arsenal. - Arsenal?!

LAUGHTER

That's just how we've been colonised!

Do you have a Scottish team, a wee team?

- Celtic. - Celtic(!)

Celtic's his wee team.

You've effectively managed to insult everybody in Glasgow.

LAUGHTER

And what do you think the future holds for us?

Do you think it'll be good, do you think it'll be bad...?

Hmmm...

In the middle, probably.

Yeah, it probably will be in the middle.

What's your favourite thing about being Scottish?

Em...

- Shortbread. - Shortbread?

Ladies and gentlemen, please thank Leon.

Cheers.

CHEERING

Audience, you've heard the arguments.

It's time for you to decide if I'm right or wrong.

It's green for yes, and red for no.

Should a two-year-old be given the right to vote?

So that is a no. A very firm no.

By a bunch of childless bastards!

Now, it's time to talk to the audience.

I hate talking to people that I don't know

almost as much as I hate talking to people that I do know.

To me, there's no such thing as a stranger,

just a prick I haven't met yet.

Before the show, we asked everyone in our audience to fill out

a questionnaire to learn more about their opinions on the referendum,

Scotland, what makes them tick, all that stuff.

Where's Marie Hamill?

- How are you doing, Marie? - I'm OK, how are you?

I'm very good, actually.

But I'm kind of busy working here.

All right, I'll...

We asked you which celebrity would make the best Prime Minister,

and you said Stephen Fry.

Yeah, I know it's a bit cliche,

but he just seems really well informed, and quite balanced as well.

Plus, he'd do a lot for the gay community.

He doesn't seem well balanced. He's bipolar.

LAUGHTER

When he's on his meds.

APPLAUSE

But that's...

You would have a depressed Prime Minister

on a ferry to Belgium with the nuclear codes.

You said the worst thing about being Scottish

was that we're overly hospitable.

Fuck off.

A pleasure to meet you. Where is Gordon Houston?

Gordon, how are you doing, mate?

- Hello. - You all right?

We asked you which celebrity

would you like to be stranded on a desert island with.

- You did. - I did?

- You did ask me that. - Yes, OK.

Have you heard of rhetorical questions, Gordon?

Don't answer that!

You said you'd like to be stranded on a desert island with the Dalai Lama.

He is the last person I would want to fuck, but you...

What were you thinking there?

Did you think that if you killed him often enough

he might come back as a roast dinner, or...?

I think it was more a Tantric thing,

- maybe, going on. - FRANKIE: Tantric?

SARA: Yeah, I heard he can last!

FRANKIE LAUGHS

What, are you genuinely gay for the Dalai Lama?

Well, you get all sorts in Scotland, don't you?

Once you float down to iPlayer,

you really start to meet people, don't you?

Thank you, Gordon.

APPLAUSE

We also have tattooist Andrew Burns. Andrew, where are you?

How are you doing, Andrew? I knew it was you from your tattoos.

- Yeah, could you tell? - Yeah, I'm faking it.

- How are you doing, man? - All right.

I hear you offered a special offer on Yes tattoos.

Yeah, I offered free Yes tattoos on...for a whole day.

Are you offering free tattoo removal?

No. We do tattoo removal, but you need to pay for that!

Yeah, I see how your business works!

LAUGHTER

We asked you what do you think is Scotland's greatest achievement.

And you said...Grand Theft Auto.

LAUGHTER

Prostitute murders, robbery, drug dealing.

Where does that Dundee-based games company gets its ideas from?

LAUGHTER I simply don't know!

Thank you to my audience!

Now, it's been a long two years reaching last week's verdict

and it's been a divisive and emotional campaign,

but at least we can all agree on something - my next proposition.

"Scotland and England's relationship

"is a pitiless abyss of hatred and despair."

We don't need English culture. Scotland has its own culture.

England has Glastonbury, we have T In The Park

where people get glassed and buried all the time.

Ed Miliband threatened to station guards at the border.

A militarised border!

Newcastle could have become a refugee camp

for English people trying to escape.

Newcastle would be the first place to become a refugee camp

and get LESS mental.

GEORDIE ACCENT: Things are a lot more civilised

now that we're ruled over by a horse militia.

LAUGHTER

Do you feel Scottish and English people hate each other?

I've been very surprised doing gigs because obviously you open...

Especially the whole kind of week leading up to referendum,

you open by going, "Oh, so this has been going on in Scotland,"

and just the four days before the vote,

English audiences suddenly got really angry.

Suddenly just sort of like, "Well, eff them, then,

"let them go, see what happens. Yeah, see if I care."

Their feelings were so hurt because so many people just feel British.

I think that we have more in common than you think

because the Scottish hate the English,

the English hate themselves

and everybody hates U2.

LAUGHTER

If we could just find those things and bond over them...

I mean, I don't believe...

I'm Canadian, but I'm a British mum

and I think it's really important that my daughter grows up

with Scottish influences, Irish influences,

you know, Wales to a lesser extent.

LAUGHTER

Well, this broken relationship continued

when the referendum coverage featured the most baffled Englishman

reporting on a Scotland he couldn't hope to understand.

Channel 4 went for Jacob Rees-Mogg.

- What's it a' aboot? - We'll just be a new country.

We'll be wir ain country noo, we'll be able to run...

No, I voted No and he helped me cos he hadnae voted.

I just wanted tae...

Yeah, I just want tae be part of the UK.

We've been like this a' wir time, eh?

Well, we would miss you if you went.

What's the big difference between...?

What is the difference between independence? What is it a' aboot?

We be wir ain country and be able to run it and that.

What is independence? What is it?

- I don't even... - It's being part of the UK.

There's Wales, Scotland and England...

What, they're trying to change the money and a'thing?

And the currency, they'll change the currency.

- So, what will our money change to? - Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

That will have to be decided after...

Naw, I... So, independence, you dinnae want that to happen?

Naw, I don't.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

ENGLISH ACCENT: Today I met two of the Scottish natives.

They were drinking a clear liquid of which I partook.

The next 48 hours were a blur of bestial imagery

and invented language.

I awoke in the doorway of HSBC, wearing somebody else's trousers.

On my return I shall present my findings to the Royal Society.

Well, like many relationships on the rocks, it was only when one half

threatened to walk out the door that the other began to take it seriously.

Westminster spent most of the campaign in denial,

but when things got serious, their reaction was one of panic.

Here's a cringeworthy attempt by David Cameron to bond with the Scots.

REPORTER: David Cameron spoke to workers

in Edinburgh's financial district in a way he's never spoken before.

I think people can feel it's a bit like a general election,

that you make a decision and five years later

you can make another decision.

If you are fed up with the effing Tories, give them a kick

and then maybe we'll think again.

You know, this is totally different to a general election.

What gets me about that

is he's clearly workshopped that with the guys at the office.

"Shall I say effing?"

"Oh, yeah, that'll get them. Yeah, we'll say effing. Yeah."

"You all want to give the effing Tories a kicking, I know that.

"I understand you people.

"You'd like to give me an effing kicking,

"tear me a new A, and S in my mouth."

LAUGHTER

"You'd like to tear off my B-bag and feed it to an Alsatian.

"I know. I get it.

"You'd like to tie some cheese wire round my D,

"tie it to the back of a taxi and floor it."

LAUGHTER

Do you think Cameron came out of it at all well?

He sort of came out of it better than Miliband.

In a way maybe it did work because it was an awful speech

and it's very uncomfortable to see him use language

that isn't comfortable in his mouth,

but you did watch it, thinking, "OK, yeah,

"let's stay unified and get rid of this government together."

Some people maybe did think that.

And replace it with what -

Ed Miliband, the kind of adenoidal manta ray?

He's like a kind of dog toy.

Now time for the audience to vote. Do you agree with me

that Scotland and England's relationship

is a pitiless abyss of hatred and despair?

Green for yes, red for no.

SARA: Oh, no!

It's almost entirely green,

but then I'm biased. It's...

FRANKIE LAUGHS It's largely green.

A yes vote there.

Scottish people agree with me, as do a few English people

who just didn't understand what the fuck I was saying.

LAUGHTER

Well, that's the end of our Referendum Autopsy.

Thanks to my guests, Katherine Ryan and Sara Pascoe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But before I go, I want to leave you with this thought,

a little final thought in the style of Jerry Springer or He-Man.

I don't know if you're... LAUGHTER

Of course, the only way we can tell

if this show has truly been a success or not

is to wait and see whether I am silenced by the security services.

That's the only way you know you've really hit the nail on the head

as a comedian - you are silenced by the security services,

so if I am found hanged on the back of a hotel door,

with an orange in my mouth,

at least you'll know the security services didn't get to me.

LAUGHTER

What will happen is that one day I will go out,

like Robin Cook or Dr David Kelly,

I'll go to meet a friend for a walk in the countryside,

but when I get to the top of the hill,

it won't be my friend waiting for me, it will be a sergeant major,

formerly of the Special Boat Squadron.

We will both know that my time is up.

I'll ask him for a final cigarette and he will bring out two,

one for me and one for him.

I'll ask him if I can have a final wank as well.

He will explain that my DNA would go everywhere and contaminate the scene,

so he will have brought a roll of lino for me to wank onto.

I'll be wanking onto the lino

and I'll ask him to stop looking at me and...

LAUGHTER

..he'll tell me that it's OK, he can't see me,

all he can see is his mate, upside down and burning in a Land Rover.

That's all he ever sees, even when he closes his eyes.

He will ask me to hurry up because he has to

go and silence Russell Brand in a minute.

In the corner of my eye, I'll see him laying out Paul Ross's corpse

to make it look like we died in a gay suicide pact.

I'll look down on the Scottish glen below me

and briefly imagine that the furious pumping of my fist

is what powers the turning of the entire world,

then I'll feel a needle in the back of my neck

and suddenly I'll be in the bosom of a Buddha who despises me.

The chances of this show being made into a series are six to one against.

Thanks for coming and good night.