Episode 1 Jonah from Tonga

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour

WAVES LAPPING

MAN SPEAKING TONGAN

Everything was happy and it was a peaceful place here,

until Jonah came along.

HE CONTINUES IN TONGAN

Jonah is like a fucking idiot.

JONAH SHOUTS

'He uses swear languages most of the time.'

I told you to wait, you fucking pussy!

'He's very annoying. No-one likes him here.'

I told you to fucking wait, you dickhead!

'The whole island's boring, there's nothing to do.'

Tonga's shit.

And my uncle, he's a homo.

SPEAKS TONGAN

He is a very bully person.

-Come over!

-'He hits the little kids every time they play.'

Coconuts! Give me coconuts!

-'He cannot leave them alone.'

-Get the little girls!

Come closer! I won't do anything, I promise.

'Most of the time, he's very disrespectful of his aunties.'

Hey!

It's not my dick! It's a bottle! It's a bottle!

'He's very mean to my son, Komaki. He's always picking on him.'

THEY LAUGH

Komaki has so many places in his body to be beaten,

but he only chooses to hit his balls.

Argh!

Bastard!

SPEAKS TONGAN

'He writes his graffitis around the house, and it's dirty.'

-MAN SPEAKING TONGAN

-'He just pisses all of us off.'

Argh!

Suck it, Aunty!

'A few weeks ago, it came to me

'that I really wanted to kill him because of what he did to my car.'

These are my cousins. I don't speak Tongan.

I can't understand half the shit they're saying.

And I know a few rude words...

HE SPEAKS TONGAN

-That means something really rude.

-HE SPEAKS TONGAN

I know I said that.

-Jonah always tells lies.

-No, I don't.

Hey, boys, in Australia, once I beat the shit out of a kangaroo

because it bit me on the dick.

In Australia, every boy gets a free Ferrari

when they turn 16 from the government.

In Australia, once, I released a single

and I won a Grammy award for it.

A few weeks ago, I turned 14 and I got my official Takalua tattoo.

This is what you get when you're an older boy

and your dad decides that you're brave enough and man enough.

Boys, older boys, show. All Takaluas get them.

And the good thing is, it protects you

so, you know, if...

if I went swimming and a big shark came up,

I could punch a shark in the head

and the shark would die, would just disintegrate.

This is the Takalua link, only Takalua boys can do it.

We link arms, go like this, and if you're strong, you go like this,

pull hard, nothing breaks the Takalua link.

Pull as hard as you can apart, boys.

See? Nothing breaks the Takalua link.

This is the boys' bedroom. Show them where we sleep.

This is where I sleep, and this is Feke, my cousin.

He sleeps here too.

See this? This is my brother back in Sydney, Moses.

Moses is my favourite family person ever and he's a really good singer.

He's, like, the best singer in the world.

And one day, I'm going to take him to America to get a record deal,

and I'm going to be his manager.

Boys, let's all pretend we're asleep, show them how we sleep.

SNORING

Dad! Dad!

Give me a hug.

You've been a little dickhead, haven't you?

'Today, my dad and my Aunty Grace came to visit me from Australia'

to check on my behaviour.

Look at this, Aunty!

-Wow! Beautiful.

-New tattoo.

Hey, I've got a surprise for you.

Moses! What are you doing here?

'And the best thing is, they brought my brother, Moses, here.'

-You've grown, motherfucker.

-Yeah, you look big as, motherfucker!

Shit! Fuck! This is everyone! I can't believe you're here!

'It was the best surprise ever.'

REGGAE MUSIC

-Moses, let's do the Takalua link.

-Oh, yeah.

Hey, Dad, Dad, link me.

-Link arms with me.

-Fuck off!

OK, I don't even want to do it with you, anyway.

I miss Jonah very, very much.

And he can't stay here any more.

But I want to take him home, because I love him.

MOSES SINGS

Yeah, Moses! The best singer in the world!

He needs to come home to Australia,

and he's pissing off his uncle way too much.

He needs discipline.

We need to be very strict on him.

We need to put him in a school

where they won't put up with his naughtiness.

Argh!

The having of church and God

will help him to grow up to be a strong and good man.

See you, Tonga!

Love you, Uncle!

HE SHOUTS IN TONGAN

He said, get fucked!

'Going back to Australia, it's going to be mean as.

'I'm going to be good, I'm going to get a good education,'

I'm going to get into uni and make my family proud.

I can be a good boy if I want to be.

MUSIC: "The Jump Awf" by Daniz

Hey, Jonah, is that your brother? Is that your brother, Jonah?

Fuck, let's go! Let's go!

Get away from my brother!

You fucking homo!

Get him in the locker!

Get in! Get in the locker!

Get the lock!

Fucking homo!

That's good work, boys.

STEREO PLAYS HIP-HOP MUSIC

Jonah! Yeah!

Jonah, go!

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Yeah!

-Go on the floor, go on the floor!

-Jonah!

Jonah!

You're in deep shit, Graydon wants to kick your arse.

Piss off, fatty!

-Did you put Graydon's little brother in a locker and lock the door?

-No.

Well, everyone saw you do it.

He was bullying Moses, he's a homo.

Well, Graydon's pissed and he's looking for you,

so I'd hide, if I were you.

I don't even care, tell him to go marry his dick.

He's in Year 12, Jonah, and he's stronger and bigger than you,

he's school captain, so I'd watch out, if I were you.

I don't care, get out of our area. Go away, fatty!

I don't want to talk to you! It's a Year 9 area.

By the way, I'm telling Dad tonight.

-Enjoy your hiding.

-Enjoy my dick.

We'll go grab our food from the canteen.

Oi!

Oi, dickhead!

-You put my little brother in a locker?

-No.

-You're lying, he just told me you did.

-Why do you believe him?

It's fucking dangerous! I'm telling the teachers, mate.

-He was bullying my brother!

-I don't care.

-Go away, ranga.

-Did you just call me a ranga, mate?

-Yeah, cos you are one.

Listen, we're in Year 12,

-so I don't need to put up with your Year 9 shit.

-I don't care!

-Don't fuck with my little brother.

-Don't fuck with my face.

-Apologise for what you did.

-Apologise to my dick.

That doesn't make sense, so I'm not going to do it.

Your hair doesn't make sense. Get out of my fucking area!

-Do you want a fucking go about this?

-Yeah, I do!

-You seriously want a fight about this?

-This is the Year 9 area!

Get out, rangas!

Oi! That's enough!

Break it up!

Graydon, you and your ranga mate...

His little brother was being a bully!

You and your ranga mates just piss off. Off you go.

JONAH AND HIS FRIENDS JEER

Get off the fucking the bricks!

That's enough! Enough! Go on, out of it.

-Yeah, get out!

-Go on, piss off!

THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

Go back to the ranga area!

Piss off, Graydon. Goodbye. Goodbye.

-Goodbye!

-Come here, you fucking idiot.

Fuck, sir! Ow!

Are you going to be a dipstick all your life? Seriously, are you?

Sir, I love you. You're a good teacher.

Listen, you lot, I swear to God, I am going to beat

the living shit out of every fucking last one of you

if this continues every morning.

It's five minutes out of my coffee and smoke time that you owe me.

-All right?

-Sorry, sir.

-Sorry, sir.

Sorry, Mr Joseph. Love you, sir.

-I should think so.

-You're a legend, sir. Best teacher ever.

'Holy Cross is a Catholic high school.

'Low socioeconomic families and a lot of migrants, first gen.'

Me, personally, got out the army, got my DipEd.

Just became interested in teaching behavioural problem teens

and learning difficulty kids.

I set up my behavioural unit in Lazarus House about nine years ago.

Spazarus House, they call it round the school - Spaz House.

It's not really fair on the kids that go here,

but it's not entirely untrue.

'We're vocational based.

'We've got members who sign the trade training.'

This is the insides of the pussy. This is the dick.

'We try and get the kids to a level whereby they can, potentially,

'get an apprenticeship. Mostly, I think, we just keep

'the little pricks out of trouble and keep them in school.'

-What are you doing there, Jonah?

-Building an igloo.

Oh, fuck, sir!

What's going to happen, then?

-Move that along. Move this brick along.

-What about a window?

So, do you put your dick in those bricks when we're not here?

-Yeah, you do.

-OK, boys.

-Do you know what this is called?

-A toilet.

My shit wouldn't fit in this pipe.

'We've got a fair few Pacific Islanders.

'They're tricky kids. They're pretty hard to control.'

Shut up!

'I don't shy away from a bit of physical - well, violence isn't

'exactly the word for it - persuasiveness.'

Shut the fuck up!

That's better.

'I think it's good for them to get a bit physical in the classroom.

'Shows them that they're not as strong as a fully-grown man.'

-You're too fuckin' slow, mate.

-Fuck off, sir!

-He's too fucking slow, this one.

-Fuck off!

-..book!

-I don't care! It's mine!

Jonah! Punching wall - go! Come on, hit it!

'I've got a couple of regular exercises

'I use to get the kids let off steam.'

Come on, punch the thing!

What sort of a hit is that?

Come on, now! What sort of punch is that? Hit it! Hit it! Hit it!

Sir, you stink. Your armpits stink. I can smell it from here.

'Jonah Takalua - absolute drop kick. Probably the most fucked-up kid

'I've ever taught in my entire teaching career.'

-Shut up, idiot!

-Fuck off, sir. Stop getting off on hitting me.

-'He's virtually illiterate.'

-Sir, what's a head-achey?

-Headache, idiot.

-Sir, how do you spell pussy?

Are 100 and 1,000 the same number?

Sir, who is the King of Australia?

Has a horse ever been in space?

If you chop your dick off, does it grow back?

Can you survive from eating your own shit?

I'm asking you a question, sir. You're the teacher. Teach us stuff.

'He's disrespectful of my authority.'

Sir, when the bell goes, I'm just going to walk out.

I don't care what you say. I don't give a fuck.

I told you, there's no fucking swearing in class.

But you just swore then, sir.

You just said "no fucking swearing", so bust yourself.

I can swear because I'm the adult here.

And I'll fucking swear if I choose to swear.

-Go marry my dick, sir.

-Just get on with it!

Stop swearing or I'll report you to the principal, sir.

-We'll get a better teacher - a hot female teacher.

-Yeah.

Not an ugly man, like you, sir.

'He's 14, thinks he's 21. Thinks he's a gangster.'

Clean that off!

It boils my piss when you come in here and deface my classroom.

You weren't supposed to see it.

'He provokes the shit out of me.

'You can't win an argument with the prick, no matter how hard you try.'

Sit up in your chair, thanks.

I'm comfy, sir. It's good for my spinals.

Do I make you stand up all day?! Is that what you want to do?!

My dick wants to stand up all day.

-Fuck you!

-Oh! Calm down, sir. You need anger issues.

'Holy Cross is good cos it's Catholic and you can learn

'about Jesus and shit, and it's good cos it's got'

girls as well as boys, cos some schools - boys only.

-That's for homos. Homo school.

-If you're a homo, that's the kind

of school you have to go to. But if you're like us boys,

-then... Brother Adoni!

-Sir!

-Brother Adoni!

-Look, sir.

Say hi to the film crew! They're filming!

He's a Brother. So, no sex for him. He's Catholic.

That's the rules of Catholics. Hey, sister!

This is Sister Monica. She's my favourite office lady.

And she's a nun. She looks after sick bay.

-Hey, sister!

-Hello, Jonah. Hello, boys.

Sister, you're sick. That's why you look after sick bay,

-cos you're sick. Get it?

-I'll take that as a compliment.

Even though she's old, I've got a crush on her.

-ALL SHOUT

-I'm only joking! I'm joking!

Hey, guys, Miss Hunt!

'Holy Cross - it's good because we've got some pretty hot teachers,

'like Miss Hunt.'

Miss! Miss! Miss! What are we doing in design today?

I'll see you boys... I'll see you boys in the last period.

-Can I have a hug, Miss?

-Miss, can we have a hug as well?

OK. OK. That's enough.

'Sometimes, I even get to hug Miss Hunt, and when I hug her,

'I press as close as I can, so her boobs squash against me.'

I felt her boobs!

'Holy Cross is good cos it's multicultural,'

so you get all different cultures, like fobs, wogs,

Filos, curries, Africans and rangas.

And you also get chick fobs, chick wogs, chick Filos,

chick curries, chick Africans and chick rangas

and there's also other ching-chongs and Aussies

and all different cultures.

Boys, it's getting hot around here.

Must be the rangas' heads making it hot.

'Me and my boys, we get along with everyone,

'except we hate the rangas. They're the worst.'

We need some welding work done.

-Can you boys weld me something over in Spaz House?

-Weld your own dicks!

'They think they're so cool and rich and shit, and their dads'

drive expensive cars and have mansions. It sucks.

Just cos you got different coloured hair to us, doesn't mean you own us.

Hey, Mosey, what's up, little guy?

'And the rangas, they pick on my little brother Moses, cos he's got

'a teacher's aid and he did a shit in his pants

'on the first day of Year 7.'

Do you still use nappies, or have you moved on to pull-ups?

'The worst ranga of all is Graydon. He's the school captain

'and he's a fucking homo.'

Me and my boys, we're a crew

and we're called Fobbaliscious. Boys, show him the symbol.

-ALL: Fobbaliscious.

-It's an F for Fobbaliscious.

'We break dance and we sing...'

# I'm your island boy You're my island girl

# Let's be together for ever... #

'We write our own songs.'

# Pretty young girl

# I want to touch your boobies, island girl

# Let me touch your boobies... #

Who has got the tweezers? You need to do your eyebrows.

Argh!

'Fobbaliscious, it stands for being a fob and for being good-looking.'

These straighteners are going to burn your bag.

'Us boys, we like to spend a lot of time on our appearance

'and making sure that our scuxness levels are high.'

Could you straighten the end of my rat's tail, please?

Let's go talk to some girls, boys!

'And even the hot teachers, they always like us boys the most,

'cos we're the most scuxxed boys.'

Do I smell nice, Miss? Smell my armpits.

I've got chocolate Lynx on.

-Just get on with it, would you?

-I can smell you, Miss!

You smell nice as. Does your boyfriend like how you smell?

-Jonah, sh.

-Do you have one, Miss?

-You should have.

-Can you guys just get on with it, please?

Or are you a lesbian?

'And also, Miss Hunt flirts with me all the time, because

'she can't get enough of my scuxness.'

-Don't waste the glue!

-It's an experiment, Miss.

-No, go and wash your hands.

-I'm just going to let it dry.

-I'm making a glove, Miss.

-No, we don't have much of that.

-I'm making a rubber glove.

-Go and wash your hands.

-I'm learning shit about art.

-Your work's incomplete, Jonah.

Your dick's incomplete.

I don't have a dick, Jonah, so that can't be right.

-What do you have, Miss?

-Go and wash your hands, please.

-I'm fed up, Jonah. You'd better watch it, or I'll...

-Go teach!

Go teach. Go do what you're paid to do.

-Miss!

-Create another line on the bottom.

Miss, I need your help with my colour palette.

Look at your work. It's incomplete. You haven't even tried today.

Your dick hasn't even tried. Stop getting turned on by me, Miss.

-Do you want to stay in with me at lunchtime?

-Yes.

Yeah, you'll be too old by the time I'm 18, so...no, thanks.

-Now, you have got a yellow...

-You've got to get Botox.

-Ignore me if you think I am...

-You like the sound of your own voice.

-To be honest.

-You like the sound of your own dick.

Mr Jason's got a no tolerance policy of me doing my tag dicktation

around the school. So, I had to invent a new tag.

It's called pussycat. I'll show you.

It's a girl's pussy... and then you write "cat".

Pussycat.

Outside school, Jonah's dicktation. Inside school, it's pussycat.

-Boys, what are you doing?!

-Nothing. What are you doing?

'Jonah's a good friend,'

-but Jonah tells lies all the time.

-Bullshit!

-You do!

-You do! What about when you said Nicki Minaj

-was coming.

-I thought she was coming! Miss told me she was.

You're a liar! And you tell really bad jokes as well.

Bullshit. My jokes are good.

-What did the school say to my dick?

-ALL: What?

"Get in my classroom."

-What did the priest say when I punched him in the dick?

-ALL: What?

"You're a dickhead!"

'Is he better off here than in Tonga? Good question.'

He's probably better off here. I hear Tonga's pretty shit.

Will he survive to the end of Year 12?

I doubt it.

But we'll give it a red-hot crack. Stranger things have happened.

What do you call a fish at the bottom of the ocean with a dick?

-ALL: What?

-Fishy dick.

Let's do it here, boys.

THEY WHOOP AND JEER

Fuck off! Don't go through our dance area. Who are you?

-Melody! Melody!

-Melody!

BOYS: Melody!

-Come over here, let me show you my dance moves.

-She's your cousin!

I don't care.

-I don't care if she's my cousin.

-Your dad's going to care.

She's scux as. Mr Joseph!

Mr Joseph!

Mr Joseph.

Mr Joseph!

-Mr Joseph!

-Bring it in, sir.

THEY WHOOP AND SHOUT

-Check this out!

-What are you idiots up to?

Sir, what's the codeword?

To pass through, you say the codeword.

I don't actually need a codeword. Stop wandering round the streets.

You'll make a name for yourselves. Come on!

I've already got a name for myself - Jonah.

Get a new car.

Don't they pay you enough, sir?

-This is shit.

-Whatever. Off you go.

I don't have to listen to what you say, sir,

cos we're not on school grounds, so it doesn't matter what you say.

-Why don't you marry your own car?

-You're blocking the road, sir.

HORN BLARES

Sorry, car. Sorry.

It's just my idiot teacher.

Go cook dinner. Go have sex with your wife.

When I first came back from Tonga, I did a few naughty things.

Like, I got busted by the cops for a bit of shoplifting.

You stole five boxes of strawberry Hubba Bubba.

-Yeah.

-What did you do that for?

I did it cos I love strawberry Hubba Bubba.

And the cops came to my house

and I didn't go to juvie for it, but I got a criminal record.

I had to... I had to get a hiding from my dad for doing it.

Even Moses, he got busted by the police

cos at school, he cut off this Year 7 homo's rat's tail.

THEY LAUGH

'But that's what I used to be - naughty.'

-But us boys now, we're all good boys.

-Yeah.

Because it doesn't matter if you're naughty

cos it doesn't get you any money and you have no future.

MUSIC THUMPS

What you boys doing?

-Nothing.

-Cruising.

Boys.

We just had school.

The Soldierz are these mean-ass boys.

George from The Soldierz?

He is the toughest guy in the whole fucking area.

Yeah, these boys have the most money of any boys their age.

They're older than us

and they have really cool cars,

they went to uni,

and if that's what you get for going to uni

then I'm definitely going to uni.

-You guys like cameras?

-Yeah.

This your camera?

Yours now, brother.

-We can keep this?

-Yeah, man.

This looks as expensive as.

Don't drop it.

Go film some shit, man.

I've got to go away.

-Watch it.

-Later, boys.

Hurry up!

MUSIC PLAYS

Hey, do you think Dad'll let us keep it?

THEY SING TRADITIONAL SONG

Shut the fuck up!

-Do you want to get belted?

-No.

-Show some respect.

-SHE GIGGLES

-Shut up, you two.

Start singing.

'Oh, he's OK. He's a little bit naughty

'and a little bit trouble.'

Jonah is a special one in Rocky's kid.

His mum Theresa always say that.

His mum died when Jonah was six year old

from liver cancer.

It's very sad.

Very, very sad for the whole family.

But his mum always fond of Jonah.

He always say that Jonah is a special one.

He has magical eyes.

And one day, he will do a good work.

# Close your eyes

# Give me your hand

# Darling, do you feel my heart beating?

# Do you understand? #

When my mum died, I was pretty dumb

and I didn't even know. Like, I thought she just went to Tonga.

# ..I believe it's meant to be

# Darling... #

My mum Theresa, she said that when I was little,

I was magical.

Of all the boys in the family,

I was the magical one.

Let's do the Takalua link 'And sometimes, when I go to bed,

'I wish she was here to kiss me.'

-JONAH STRAINS

-Nothing breaks the link.

THEY LAUGH

And now I'm 14, got my tattoo,

and I got my mum watching over me.

Nothing bad can ever happen to me.

Aunty Grace!

-Good night, boys.

-Good night, Aunty.

Hey, Aunty, you're looking sexy tonight.

You better watch your mouth.

If your dad hear you, you've got trouble.

-She's your aunty, disgusting freak.

-I'm only joking.

Why don't you get out of my room, anyway? Fatty! Go to the fat room.

-Go to bed, shit for brains.

-Go to bed, fat for brains.

Good night, boys.

-Good night, Aunty.

-Good night, Aunty. Hey, boys,

-who wants a joke?

-Me.

Um...what did the carpet say to the door?

-What?

-Get your dick out of my door-hole.

THEY LAUGH

What did the window say to the moon?

-What?

-Get fucked.

THEY LAUGH

-You going to be good?

-Yeah. I'm always good.

Bullshit. You're always a fuckwit.

-You're fucked!

-Didn't do anything.

There's a new youth worker. He's into singing and dancing and shit.

Hey, boys. Come join in.

Get the fuck out of here. Stop perving on us.

This is a Fobbaliscious bully video.

I just had a kid's dad on the phone.

Now, he gets the cops involved, we're all fucked.

-CHEERING

-Yeah!

You fucking idiot! I'll get your arse on this.