2015 Only an Excuse?


2015

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Help the hero. Help the hero.

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Any spare change? Help the hero?

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Help the hero? Any spare change, pal? Cheers, pal.

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Help the hero! Help the hero!

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Well, as, as a lifelong feminist, I... I give my full support to

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Nicola Sturgeon, Mhairi Black, and Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh.

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And I... I passionately embrace this...

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this new forward-looking, feminine side of the SNP.

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# Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

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# Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

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# Don't cha?

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# Don't cha? #

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Mark, apart from the things that are still the same,

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what would you say has changed?

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Well, I.. I'd like to see the stats,

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but, basically, we... We play a high pressing game.

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Bish, bash, bosh, 4-0, thank you and goodnight.

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And that's all down to training hard, tactical awareness,

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and playing against, with the greatest respect, crap opposition.

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Warbs, what about the fantastic Rangers supporters?

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Haven't they been fantastic?

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Well, respectfully, we've got the best fans in the world.

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I mean, fans who will stand in all weathers to hurl abuse

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at former club officials as they leave the Sheriff Court.

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Yeah, since I came here, the fans have been magnificent.

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The fact that so many of them work in the press, is a bonus.

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Ronny, people say you're unable to change things in Europe.

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No. That's... That's clearly not true.

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I have a track record here at Celtic, of making changes in Europe.

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Before I came here, Celtic used to play in Champions League,

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I changed that.

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They were in competition after Christmas, I changed that.

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They didn't win away ties, I didn't change that.

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Check this move.

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Awesome.

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'Out now, Grand Theft FIFA 2015.'

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Coming soon to BBC Scotland...

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hard-hitting drama that hits hard.

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You've been away.

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Aye. I've been away.

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But now I'm back.

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The story of a man who's been away...

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but comes back.

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Starring someone from River City from yonks ago.

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Where have you been?

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Away.

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But I'm back.

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And someone you remember from Taggart, but cannae place...

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Well, well, well.

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..playing a polis.

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Been away, have you?

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Aye.

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But now I'm back.

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And...Peter Mullan.

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So, you go your merry way,

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and come back from being away like you've never been away.

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Well, now you're back, you might wish you were away,

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but you're not away, son, you're back.

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Not away. Back. Not away.

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Back.

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He was away and now he's back.

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And then, in an unexpected twist...

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That's me away again.

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You don't come back.

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Welcome to a town that's tough to leave.

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I'm back.

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# I would like to leave this city

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# This whole town don't smell too pretty

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# And I can feel the warning signs running around my mind... #

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12 months on from the Commonwealth Games,

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what sort of legacy have they left behind?

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Do we Scots still have the same get up and go?

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Are we up for doing more exercise?

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I've come to this city park to find out.

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-Hi, there.

-You all right?

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I take it you're in training for some sort of endurance test?

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No, just stealing tyres.

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I'm Stevie Connell

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and you're watching STV Rutherglen.

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For all your haunels...

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come to Connell's Haunels Direct for all your haunel requirements.

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Need caunels, tae?

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Come to Connell's Caunels Direct for all your caunel requirements.

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Yous are wanting saunels?

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Come to Connell's Saunels Direct for all your saunel requirements.

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And internet shoppers, gouch on your couch, tap your phone,

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and bulk buy wan-click for Connell's haunels, caunels, and saunels,

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via Connell's haunels, caunels, and saunels direct online.

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Now, we don't want to be accused of trial by Sportscene

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or alerting the compliance officer,

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but as always, there's a bit of controversy involving the referee.

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So, should this have been a red card?

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Well, from that angle, it's difficult to tell.

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But if you look at it from this angle, you know,

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I'd have to say, there's not much contact there.

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No, no, no. For me, that is just two players coming together.

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No red card.

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So, in this instance, it would seem the referee got it right.

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No, I think we're in with a great chance of finishing at...

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at the top of the table this year, because Ronny keeps telling us, that

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the only team that can stop Celtic from winning the league, is Celtic.

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And I've looked at the rest of the season's fixtures,

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and, luckily, we're not playing them.

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Good evening, sir.

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See anything you fancy?

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What's the speciality?

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Pulled pork.

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Yes, please.

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I think the loan system is a good system.

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For example, you have Tyler Blackett, who is very,

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very good player.

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I rate him very highly.

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I see him as someone with a, with a big future at Manchester United,

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but he needs, he needs game time,

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and that is why I send him on loan to Celtic.

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So, Louis, would you like him back?

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No chance.

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Andy and Kim, 2015 has been such an exciting 12 months for you.

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The wedding of the year, the Davis Cup victory,

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and soon the pitter-patter of tiny feet.

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How do you feel about becoming parents?

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Yeah, you know, ecstatic.

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And you, Kim?

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-I can't

-BLEEP

-wait.

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-It's been a big

-BLEEP

-change that's for sure.

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-But with this

-BLEEP

-beside me, I'll

-BLEEP

-be a

-BLEEP

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-the best

-BLEEP

-parents the tennis

-BLEEP

-world has ever

-BLEEP

-seen.

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You off to a big party for the bells?

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Do you want a bag for that? It's five pence.

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Erm...

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A new year can mean new financial decisions.

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Your Hogmanay carry out is more than just a carry out,

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it's a statement of who you are.

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What you need is a poly bag.

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Five pence might seem a lot, but it's a solid investment that could

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stop you from looking a right walloper.

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Nah. Nah. Don't need one.

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Telt you.

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Speaking as Lady Mone of Mayfair, which am are,

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coming to my work in the standard gear for the peer of the realm,

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this scarlet ermine housecoat has gied me a new

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idea for a sensuous new range in the lingerie, which I'm about to test

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out on one of my workmates, Lord Dalston-Faulkenberry-Smythe here.

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I say.

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Aye, that's the desired effect.

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Welcome to Embarrassed Bodies. This week, we're in Scotland.

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Excuse me, sir. Do you have anything to be embarrassed about?

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Embarrassed? Aye, look at the state of this!

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I like this vodka

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and I like this vodka.

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I like this frozen doner kebab, and...

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I like this frozen doner kebab.

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Huh?!

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I like this hair of the dog...

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and I like this hair of the dog.

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For when you don't care what goes down your neck, give it Laldi.

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Aye, well, that's right.

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You know, I started up a new league for walking football teams.

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None of the players are allowed to run, tackle,

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or even break into a sweat.

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Got the idea from watching Celtic in Europe.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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And now to the big one.

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The Heroic Hero Outstanding Lifetime Unsung Achievement Award.

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For a hing achieved in a lifetime.

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And the nominations are...

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Jock McCorkindale, an old soldier,

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because he's old and he used to be a soldier.

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God bless you, son.

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By the way, will somebody take that bayonet off him?

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Going to have somebody's eye out.

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Next nominee, loan shark with a conscience,

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Terry 'Mad Dog' McBlurty, who only charges the people

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in his scheme a mere 5,000% interest on loan deals and initially will

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only break the fingers of the haun they don't use if they cannae pay.

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Such compassion, big man. Marvellous.

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The next nominee is Wee Davey of Davey's Dynamite,

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official supplier of quality explosives to the

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Glasgow City Council.

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The man who very nearly brought down the Red Road flats.

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I think we can see a bit of Davey's work in action now.

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Nae luck, wee man. So near and yet so far.

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And now on Channel 4,

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we head north as First Dates comes to Glasgow.

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The blind date can be magical.

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My pals call me Billy,

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but my full name is William Williamson McWilliam.

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My pals call me Terry,

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but my real name is Theresa Marie Bernadette McCafferty.

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Opposites attract, don't they?

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Have you got any brothers or sisters?

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Just the six brothers and the four sisters.

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There's Henrik, Hoopy, Walfrid, Jinky, Wee Jinky, and Lubo.

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And then there's Margaret-Mary, Mary-Margaret, Anne-Marie

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and Lizzie.

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Lizzie?

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Named after her most glorious Britannic Majesty, the Queen?

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-No, it's short for Lisbon.

-Never heard of it.

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What every great lover knows, it is vital to eat well.

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I'll have the special.

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Excellent choice. And for you, sir?

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Steak.

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And how would you like that cooked?

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Fried.

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Aye, sis, it's going great.

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I mean, we've got our differences but I think we're really connecting.

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Hello. Is that the phone-in? Can I speak to Mr Keevins?

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And finally, we have come to the most romantic part of the evening.

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The end.

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It's been really nice.

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To be honest, aye, it has.

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So, do you have a girlfriend?

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Oh, aye.

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I was waiting to see what you looked like before I chucked her.

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Oh, really?

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'Sake.

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Oh, what?

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Excuse me, do you do tattoo alterations?

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I do, aye. Show us.

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Well, see how it says Scott Allan - Rangers for Life?

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Yeah, mate. And you want it changed to Celtic for Life?

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If you wouldnae mind.

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Aye, that's not a problem. That happens all the time.

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What about the Scott Allan bit? I can change that, too.

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I am Scott Allan.

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When I came to Celtic I said I'd make the players fitter, and I have.

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Now James Forrest limps much faster than he used to.

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-Hiya, doll.

-Oh, hiya.

-On the e-fags, aye?

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Aye. But I'm wanting to chuck them for good. You?

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Nah, I'm still tabbing away, mate. On these new ones, brilliant.

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Still feels like a smoke, still looks like a smoke,

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still smokes like a smoke,

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but according to the packet, doesn't actually contain any smoke.

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Wow, what are they called?

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Volkswagens.

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Sir Alex, 2015 has undoubtedly been a momentous year for literature,

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but the business book of the year has to be Leading.

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How does this compare with your other works?

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Well, Kirsty, first there was my gardening book, Weeding.

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Then there was my baking book, Kneading.

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And now, ah, yes, there's my latest book, Leading.

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And broadly speaking, what is the main focus of your book?

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It's about leading and, and leadership because, you know,

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the principles are the same, you know,

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whether you're leading a multi-million pound football club

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like Manchester United or you're, you're leading half

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the Govan Young Team against the Maryhill Fleet.

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You, though, have been demonstrating your leadership

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skills on the lucrative lecture circuit.

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You know, you've done a very prestigious seminar

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at no less a place than Harvard in Boston.

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Oh, proud. Very proud.

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Harvard were very proud to get hold of me.

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But it was a particular privilege for, for these Ivy Leaguers to,

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to listen, you know?

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And, and to learn.

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Right now, a man has to get a fox, a hen,

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and a bag of grain across a river in a rowing boat.

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Now, instantly, you have to say to yourself,

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that is plainly a ridiculous way for a grown man to behave.

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What's he doing with a fox, anyway? These animals aren't domesticated.

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This here is a pie chart, right?

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You see that red bit?

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That's how much of the pie Wayne Rooney would eat.

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It's a Mexican in a sombrero frying an egg for his breakfast.

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See? The full picture. It's marvellous.

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Well, now that we've actually witnessed your leadership

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skills in action, Sir Alex, I assume then you think it's very

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important to lead from the front?

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Absolutely. I mean, that's... Well, that's crucial, Kirsty.

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I mean, there can only be one leader.

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You know, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-conquering,

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and that was, that was me at Manchester United.

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I mean, just look at my record, you know?

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League Cups, FA Cups, League titles, Cup Winner's Cup, Champions League,

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World Club Cup.

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And, you know, that's all down to me, and to me alone.

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And the appointment of David Moyes as your successor?

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That was a board decision.

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Finally, Sir Alex, who would be your ideal leader?

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Well, Kirsty, the... the ideal leader requires the, the philanthropy

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of Andrew Carnegie, the oratory of, of Martin Luther King.

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And the courage of Churchill?

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Churchill?

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No, I cannae see what a dog out of a car insurance advert can do.

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And make no mistake, I'm up there with the most successful

0:17:510:17:54

business gurus of recent times.

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I'm a Gates, I'm a Jobs, I'm a Branson.

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-You're a Sugar.

-Thank you very much, Kirsty.

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You're a wee sweetheart yourself.

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Sir Alex, thank you very much.

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Now, next week, we'll be looking at a comprehensive new study

0:18:060:18:09

of quantum physics by the former Hamilton Accies Manager, Billy Reid.

0:18:090:18:14

Goodnight.

0:18:140:18:15

Wayne Rooney is still developing.

0:18:160:18:20

I, I know this, because he is always asking questions like,

0:18:200:18:26

"Can I go to the toilet?"

0:18:260:18:29

"Are we nearly there yet?"

0:18:290:18:31

And, "How come I look like a monkey?"

0:18:310:18:34

Are you a professional footballer with bags of cash

0:18:360:18:39

and a receding hairline?

0:18:390:18:40

Well, all that can change thanks to us here at the

0:18:400:18:44

Glasgow Napperomics Studio in Glasgow.

0:18:440:18:47

Thanks to our revolutionary techniques,

0:18:470:18:49

I've taken the healthy hairs from your skull and attached them

0:18:490:18:53

on to the baldy bits.

0:18:530:18:54

Gen up, man, you wouldn't believe the results. See for yourselves.

0:18:540:18:58

The Glasgow Napperomics Studio, gie it a go.

0:19:100:19:13

Aye, the idea of playing Dundee in America is frying my nut.

0:19:130:19:17

I mean, I would need to call my trackie troosers, trackie pants.

0:19:170:19:20

And if I fell on my bum, I would need to say I've got a sore fanny.

0:19:200:19:24

I know all about wise business investments.

0:19:240:19:28

That's why I'm standing at this crossroads dressed as an owl.

0:19:280:19:34

Sport socks, there's your sport socks, now. Two pairs for £1.

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I'm Michael Portillo and what a journey I'm on this week,

0:19:480:19:52

in Scotland.

0:19:520:19:54

MUSIC PLAYS

0:19:540:19:56

BABY CRIES

0:20:000:20:02

Wee Will.I.Am, shut it.

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Here, big man. You want a swally?

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Here, mate.

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Do you want to hold that a minute, get ma sauce on it.

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Cheers, boss.

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Tonight on BBC Scotland, Stuart Cosgrove

0:20:230:20:26

on The Bay City Rollers.

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The rollers, the strollers, the ten-pin bowlers,

0:20:270:20:32

they were the quintessentially zeitgeistian pop group of their era.

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The National Game, the us and them, the coughed up phlegm, the quint...

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The Turner, the butter churner...

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The pesky wee midgie, the Kessock Bridgie, the ginger...

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The rent-a-quote, the reach for the remote,

0:21:000:21:03

the Cosgrove get your coat, he is the quintessentially

0:21:030:21:07

zeitgeistian intellectual gub of his era.

0:21:070:21:12

You cannae beat it!

0:21:160:21:19

As an emerald disciple of the Celtic truth, I have to say, I appreciate

0:21:190:21:24

how down to earth and, and approachable today's Hoops team is.

0:21:240:21:27

I mean, take our club captain, Scott Brown.

0:21:270:21:30

I mean, you can go up to him in the street, in fact, some nights

0:21:300:21:34

you could fall over him in the street.

0:21:340:21:36

So, I've just been on my break with my co-workers,

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the Duke of Montrose, the Marquis of Salisbury

0:21:410:21:44

and the Earl of Caithness.

0:21:440:21:46

It's amazing how many folk in here are named after pubs.

0:21:460:21:49

Being in the jungle is a real eye-opener.

0:21:510:21:55

Sharing a shower, eating disgusting food, and fighting scary beasts.

0:21:550:22:01

And that is just Duncan Bannatyne telling me

0:22:010:22:04

about his upbringing in Clydebank.

0:22:040:22:07

So, I took a break from my dental business in America

0:22:110:22:15

and I travelled the world to hunt big game.

0:22:150:22:18

I've bagged a lion, an elephant, a giraffe, and a brown bear,

0:22:180:22:22

but this is the one I really want.

0:22:220:22:25

Right, I've got him in my sight.

0:22:260:22:28

Yes!

0:22:330:22:35

'New on BBC Scotland, brand-new drama starring Mark Rylance.'

0:22:430:22:49

Hang thy bunting, bang thy drum,

0:22:490:22:52

let the Royal Standard fly proudly in the breeze.

0:22:520:22:56

'Specially created for the viewers of South Lanarkshire

0:22:580:23:01

'from the makers of Wolf Hall.'

0:23:010:23:04

I prithee my men, don thy white gloves,

0:23:040:23:07

spark up thy half-bottle, and let us walk.

0:23:070:23:11

The Warbster, you have basically reinvented the game of football.

0:23:180:23:22

Can you give us some clues as to how you've achieved this?

0:23:220:23:25

Well, for example, the players get urine tests every morning to see

0:23:250:23:30

if they're hydrated enough.

0:23:300:23:31

And if they're not, we get them hydrated.

0:23:310:23:35

And what do you hydrate them with?

0:23:350:23:37

-Liquids.

-Genius.

0:23:370:23:40

And finally, Mark, as a former city trader,

0:23:400:23:42

how do you see the future for Rangers?

0:23:420:23:44

Well, when it, when it comes to recruiting players,

0:23:440:23:47

Rangers now have an extensive youth policy, a network of contacts

0:23:470:23:50

in a worldwide scouting system, all providing us with information

0:23:500:23:55

so that we can say, "Sod that, let's sign Kenny Miller again."

0:23:550:23:59

Cheers, fellas.

0:23:590:24:00

Look, the law lords have said it, right?

0:24:030:24:06

Between 2001 and 2010, Rangers operated a dodgy financial system

0:24:060:24:12

that gave them an unfair sporting advantage over everybody else.

0:24:120:24:16

And this has to be acknowledged.

0:24:160:24:17

Look, I am, however, a reasonable Celtic man.

0:24:170:24:21

So, look, look, I'm not calling for title stripping

0:24:210:24:24

or medals taken back. No, no, no.

0:24:240:24:26

All I'm saying is, that a wee asterisk be

0:24:260:24:29

put against the titles and the cups Rangers won during these years.

0:24:290:24:32

And a wee line at the bottom of the page that says,

0:24:320:24:35

"asterisk denotes cheating bastards."

0:24:350:24:38

Just want to say happy new year.

0:24:390:24:41

But when I say new year, it's still the same year, right?

0:24:410:24:47

The old year did not die,

0:24:470:24:49

you cannot strip the old year out of nothing, this year goes on.

0:24:490:24:52

It's just a new name, right?

0:24:520:24:54

# I would like to leave this city

0:24:590:25:03

# This old town don't smell too pretty

0:25:030:25:07

# And I can feel the warning signs running around my mind

0:25:070:25:14

# And when I leave this island

0:25:160:25:20

# I put... #

0:25:200:25:21

The force is strong with this one.

0:25:440:25:47

# Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

0:25:500:25:54

# Don't cha wish you girlfriend was a freak like me?

0:25:540:25:57

# Don't cha?

0:25:570:25:59

# Don't cha?

0:26:020:26:04

# Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?

0:26:060:26:10

# Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?

0:26:100:26:14

# Don't cha?

0:26:140:26:16

# Don't cha? #

0:26:170:26:19

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