2016 Only an Excuse?

Coming soon to Sky Atlantic,

ground-breaking drama from the makers of The Young Pope...

The Scottish Pope.

'mon the Hoops.

Having a party? Needing a bouncy castle?

Then look nae further than Boings of Springboig.

Boings of Springboig are the premier bouncy castle hire firm

in the hale of the west bit of the east-end of Glasgow.

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and reinforced wans for the fatties.

Bouncy castles you can fling your dugs on for a laugh.

Go large and hire for an extra hour,

so the grown-ups can get a shot after they've had a few swallies.

And no matter whit fluids end up on it,

all our bouncy castles are washed and hosed back at the ranch

for your peace of mind.

Boings of Springboig has the bespoke bouncy castle for every celebration.

Boings of Springboig - your one-stop bouncy castle hire shop.

Well, yes, it's true, it really is.

I did once seriously consider

investing in Rangers,

with a view to making them financially secure and challenging

for the SPL title again.

In the end, though, I decided to run for President,

because I thought at least that was achievable.

What do I bring to the Celtic manager's job?

Well, hopefully, I'm buying into the philosophy,

because in my heart, there's real passion.

In my head - real belief.

And on my face -

Fake Bake.

Following the success of the Homeless World Cup,

Glasgow is set to host another football tournament -

the Steamin' World Cup.

Pass it, here!

Another figure involved in the hanging of two

Rangers-related effigies at Celtic Park has been arrested by police.

Walk on.

And Scottish football has been rocked by a bribery scandal.

A sting set up by the Banffshire Gazette uncovered the stench of

corruption in the Aberdeen and District Amateur Football League.

Fit like, ken, I can hae a word wi' the officials nae problem

and I can mak' sure the result goes the way you want it, ken.

But it'll cost you three, maybe fower packets o' tattie scones.

Maybe we can sign another laddie but, yeah,

you have to keep me sweet.

Have you got what we discussed?

Absolutely, yes, it's all there.

Ah, good, good.

That's four sacks of turnips, a bag of cement...

..and a poke of soor plooms.

Braw.

2016 has been a bumper year for Scottish tennis,

and a new coaching initiative aims to get even more Scots

playing the game, under the watchful eye of Judy Murray.

Nice. That it, out in front.

So the idea is anyone can drop by and learn new skills?

Absolutely anyone.

Oh!

Excuse moi, is this the correct locale for the tennising?

-Yes, it is.

-Oh, Lady Judy,

can I just say it is a pure honour for I, ra Frankie-boy,

to be of meeting your fair self,

and offer my congratulations to your boys's successes?

And on you, becoming the nation's most glamorous of grannies?

Thank you very much. Have you much experience of this game?

Well, you know, growing up in the Milton, we were not blessed

with tennis courts in the back greens.

And back then it wasnae so much Lendl and Connors

as mental an' hauners, you know.

But you're willing to learn?

Correctamundo. I mean, every day is a school day.

So let's talk technique.

Do you have a favourite stroke?

A favourite stroke?

To be honest, they're all pretty good, you know.

Shall we try a few?

Oh, is that what you mean? Aye, aye, sure.

Just haud on, I'll away and get my bat, all right?

You're not very fit, are you?

Have you ever jumped a net?

Don't know.

What did she look like?

OK.

So it's getting dark and it's starting to get cold.

Now, as a survivalist, the first thing you need in this situation

is warmth.

So you need to start a fire.

There are a couple of ways to do this.

The tried and tested of rubbing two pieces of flint together,

or a much simpler method...

The Samsung Galaxy Note.

Oh, yes, I enjoyed Euro 2016.

Now, listen, it's true - Scotland weren't involved,

but the other nations from these islands provided plenty to hold my

interest, you know? Ireland's victory over Italy,

Wales versus Belgium, Northern Ireland defeating Ukraine.

And, of course, England gave me immense pleasure

when they got pumped by Iceland.

Gareth Southgate?

He's a gentleman.

First thing he did when he got the England manager's job

was send me a text saying, "Thanks."

Boozegate?

See, know this, right.

Boozegate is a myth.

For a start, we wurnae boozing at the gate,

it was in the bar.

And the papers said it was an all-night bender.

Well, it wasnae an all-night bender.

It was just a maist-of-the-night bender.

And there was other players involved in it as well, no' just me.

And I've never revealed who they were, because I told Scott Brown,

"Your secret's safe with me, mate."

I'm David Hayman, actor, documentary maker,

whisky drinker.

And this is Scotch.

Uisge beatha, the water of life, the elixir of elation,

the brew of brouhaha.

Nothing gently caresses your thrapple like a dram,

a goldy, a nip,

a right good charge or a slug of the hard stuff.

PLANE ENGINE PASSES

Scotland's gift to the world.

Sorry, cut, cut, cut.

Sorry, David, just had an aeroplane going overhead.

Can we do one more for sound, please? Thanks, David.

Oh, I'll need some...

I've run out.

Take two.

Whisky...

Scotland's gift...

Cut! Go again.

Take three.

Whisky...

Scotland's gift to the...

Cut, cut! Excuse me, we're filming here!

Oh, I couldnae gie a f...

Take four.

Whisky...

Scotland's gift to...

Cut, boom in!

Whisky...

Scotland's gift...

ALARM BLARES Och! What's going on here?

Whisky...

Scotland's gift to the...

Cut.

I'm Havid Dayman.

Doer of 'hings.

And see whisky?

It's the bollocks, by the way.

Scotch whisky knocks that Irish shite in its hole.

This is the water of life.

SLURRED: # That's life, that's what people say... #

Is it a song youse are wanting?

Forgive me, for I am nothing

but an ignorant fud.

Listen, the...

The bottle's empty - can we go again?

You can say what you want, but this is not an Old Firm match.

No, no. It's a Cel'ic versus Sevco match because, I'm sorry, but...

They are not the same club.

All right, listen, they look like Rangers, they sound like Rangers,

they smell like Rangers.

And I hate them with an absolute passion that burns in the depths

of my very soul. But they're no' really Rangers.

So I cannae get worked up about them, you know.

I cannae stand them.

Their colours make my skin crawl.

I cross the street to avoid them, and their logo makes me boke.

One of my colleagues had a mug with their crest on it.

I'll admit it -

I grogged in it.

We hate them and they hate us.

That's just how it is with Rangers fans and Sports Direct.

Well, right from the start this club has said it had a four-year plan

to come up the divisions and win the title again.

Well, I can report that, six years in to that four-year plan,

things are progressing well.

Coming soon to BBC Scotland,

a brand-new case on a brand-new island.

So, this is Millport?

Millport.

A unique location for a unique type of crime.

Something washed up on the beach, sir.

Just as I thought -

a gonk.

Find witnesses. Knock on every door on the island.

Take 25 minutes if you have to.

Featuring loads and loads of staring out to sea and contemplating.

With a guest appearance...

..by him that always plays a creepy hermit,

playing the Creepy Hermit.

You've come alone?

Aye.

Then that'll be 50p, please.

Enjoy your round.

Millport, an island like no other.

-Sir...

-Shh.

I'm staring.

Featuring high-speed chases.

This is Millport.

It's the dead eyes, they give you away.

And that wee smile?

You're fooling no-one.

Look, times are tough.

We wouldnae dae this if we wurnae desperate.

Now just stick to the plan, like we said, and no-one gets hurt.

-You ready?

-Aye.

Let's dae this.

I want all the money you've got. Now.

And what do you want to drink?

Never mind a drink, just gie's the money!

No, no, get a drink.

OK. Change that.

All the money you've got and two Cokes.

Do you want fries?

Aye, get fries an' all.

Aye, aye, gie us fries.

So that's all the money you've got, two Cokes and two fries.

Right. Drive to the next window, please.

So that's all the money we've got, two Cokes and two fries.

-That's great.

-Thank you.

Thanks very much.

You got that now, aye?

Right - go, go, go!

Excuse me...

-Nae straws.

-Oh, sorry.

Go!

There's been big changes at Celtic's stadium.

In the north curve, the seats slide back so that, during European games,

it's a standing section.

And they slide out so that, during Scottish League games,

it's a sleeping section.

I think Scotland has to stay in the single market,

because the single market is important to the Scottish people.

We must always be able to buy a single fish,

a single sausage

and a single fag.

Following his long silence after being awarded the Nobel Prize

for literature, Bob Dylan has posted the following musical statement.

# Thank you, Mr Nobel, for the Literature Prize

# Recognition is sweeter when you're old

# But I won't be coming over to pick up what I'm due

# Because Sweden is

-# Too

-BLEEP

-cold... #

For outstanding contribution to music, charity, Lycra,

eyeliner sales and divorce lawyers,

Mr Rod Stewart.

And there he is, the soon to be Sir Rod Stewart.

And I'm sure the flamboyant showman wouldn't wish to do anything

to detract from such an auspicious occasion.

MUSIC: Da Ya Think I'm Sexy by Rod Stewart

Hail, hail.

I's a member of that elite band of Cel'ic fans who bring

a special atmosphere to home games -

that's right, the Nuisance Brigade.

I make sure I go to every game with what every true Cel'ic fan needs -

flares, a Palestinian flag

and a chip on each shoulder.

I'm also a member of the '67 Lisbon Lions Club.

And, see to be honest, I didnae know there was 67 Lisbon Lions.

I thought there was only 11.

Was I on the pitch at the Scottish cup final?

No way.

I'm a true blue, dyed in the wool Rangers man,

so I left the stadium with 20 minutes to go.

I didn't have a problem with Joey Barton tweeting,

except when he was doing it when he was meant to be

man-marking Scott Brown.

My name is Joey Barton.

I'm from Liverpool,

and I'm a proud Livertonian.

But I'm not just your typical scally Scouser.

I'm intellectually open to new cultures and new concepts.

Earl Grey?

No, Joey Barton. Pleased to meet you.

I'm into me meditation and therapeutic techniques.

I focus on the present.

You know, accept all my feelings and body sensations?

I call it mindlessness.

It's a mental state.

And, trust me -

Joey Barton is better than anyone at creating a state

that is truly mental.

I can spend hours with a book,

and sometimes I even open it.

I looked at one recently by Thomas Carlyle called Free Will.

It's all about the importance of free will.

I think they made it into one of the best ever movies

about a whale.

My current favourite book, though, is this one.

While we're waiting for the crowds of me fans to turn up,

let me read you a short extract from me book about my time in Marseille,

France.

"Haw-haw, hee-haw hee-haw.

"It is, how you say, wunderbar, ja?"

I wrote that.

OK, so I like a bet.

Oh, 3-1.

But I've learned my lesson so, trust me,

you don't need a bet to enjoy a match.

And fair play to the Scottish football authorities, you know,

they're doing all they can to discourage gambling,

so fans can enjoy the Ladbrokes SPL,

the William Hill Scottish Cup and the BetFred League Cup

without feeling any pressure to place a bet whatsoever.

Oh, bingo.

In a recent poll, Sunset Song was voted Scotland's favourite book.

But did this choice reflect the true nature

of the nation's reading habits?

As a peer of wur realm,

I like a right page-turner in every sense of the word, so ah dae.

And that's why I picked the book whit I did -

because you is guaranteed something different oan every page.

And that's why my favourite book is...

the Argos catalogue.

Can't decide where tae go?

Choose the ultimate staycation with Strachan Holidays.

Did we go tae France?

Nuh.

Are we going to Russia?

Nuh.

Choose Strachan Holidays and holiday at hame.

No booking fee, cos you're no' going anywhere.

Every time, wi' Strachan Holidays.

Oh, yes, you know, I feel for the supporters of my old team, Aberdeen.

You know, losing yet another Cup Final.

I mean, that long, miserable journey back from Glasgow, that can...

That can take three hours by coach

or 19 hours by ScotRail.

Single?

Living in a rural community?

Feeling frisky?

Try this new online dating app.

See someone you like,

check you're definitely not related to them,

and swipe right.

Select all singles in a 150 mile radius.

True love could just be a short ferry crossing

and two bus rides away.

Get yourself a footr.

Brexit means Brexit.

There's nae going back.

It's like when you're driving doon the motorway -

miss your Brexit and you're humped.

Could Celtic win the league in Scotland with Steven Gerrard

playing centre-mid?

I think Celtic could win the league in Scotland

with Stephen Fry playing centre-mid.

Nah, that's it, man, eh - I'm aff the gear.

How? Whit's wrang?

I just cannae handle the hallucinations anymair, eh.

What I saw the last time, it was just too much for us, eh.

No' the baby crawling alang the ceiling again?

Naw, it was much mair mental than that, eh.

I thought I saw Hibs win the Scottish Cup!

In Edinburgh, my friends and I love Hogmanay.

In Glesga, my friends and I love Hogmanay.

We take to the streets, we have a drink,

we sing the traditional songs.

We take to the streets, have a drink, sing the

"traditional" songs.

The rugby's on so we round up the gang, catch up with them.

Fitba's oan, so we round up the gang, catch up with them.

When it kicks off, it can get messy.

When it kicks aff, oh...

gets messy.

The next day it's down to the Forth for the Loony Dook.

Next day it's doon to the Clyde

for the Loony Puke.

He's back.

Andre Rieu returns with a wonderful new collection of tunes -

Andre Rieu's Great Scottish Football Fans Songbook.

Includes...

And the timeless classic...

Andre also interprets the genre's more challenging works, such as...

Thankfully, without lyrics.

What bowmanship!

And Andre signs of with a cheeky...

Magical, wonderful.

Available at all good record shops, hair salons

and pie stalls.

Yes, it's been a long season.

The players get to go on a well-deserved lap of honour

and give something back to the fans and...

There's the captain handing over his shirt -

that's a wonderful souvenir.

And there's the goalie giving the fans his gloves -

that's so nice to see.

And there's the star striker with his toddler -

oh, surely that's the best souvenir of the lot.

These really are wonderful scenes.

SINISTER MUSIC

Are you John from the dating site?

Aye.

You look different from the pictures you had online.

You fancy a cheeky wee Nando's?

Yeah.

Quite mild out.

Cheers.

Where did you get your lava lamp?

Off eBay. And it isn't a lava lamp -

it's the latest Russian athlete's urine sample.

Hey, you!

-Me?

-Aye, you.

Have you left your family enough money for your funeral?

Because if you huvnae...

Well, then, why not pay for your funeral in advance with a...

You can catch me maist mornings between 10 and 11

in the Ladbrokes in Maryhill Road.

Gies Yer Dosh Afore Ye Croak - part of the Gemme Cremmy Group.

You get a free bookie's pen just for enquiring.

We're talking about deprivation.

We're talking about unemployment.

We're talking about a breakdown in society.

But we're going to do something about it.

Trust me. And it is going to be beautiful.

We're going to go into Paisley

and make St Mirren great again.

Well, you know, it's great to see that America's continuing with

the tradition of electing presidents with great,

memorable initials, you know.

Like John F Kennedy - JFK. Lyndon B Johnson - LBJ.

And Donald J Trump -

GTF.

Aw, nice to see the Scotland fans heading back to Wembley.

No. That's the SNP MPs' bus for Westminster.

MUSIC: I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers

If you're a globetrotting First Minister

who's always on the go...

If you hold the highest of offices in the highest of heels...

If you have to keep on stoating even when your feet are louping...

then you need Dr Schturgeon's Stiletto Insoles.

In 2016, anything was possible.

They said it couldn't be done, but we won.

In 2016, anything was possible.

They said it couldn't be done, but we won.

In 2016, they said...

I'll get mah coat.

We don't mind players having a laugh, and if the players

want to do the mannequin challenge, that's fine by me.

I just wish they wouldn't do it during the match.