Episode 1 Revolting


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Episode 1

Comedy series satirising the state of the nation. Dennis Pound is on the streets of Loughton crowdsourcing new policies for Ukip, while Dale Maily braves a festival of hippies.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

-Stay back.

-Well, you stay back.

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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

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-Jez, I love you, man.

-Rip it off! Put it in the bin!

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Crazy challenge! Oh, my God!

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EE, I love you!

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Emergency care in crisis.

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Not enough doctors, too many patients.

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Although we have ongoing and serious concerns with the contract,

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patient safety is always our primary concern.

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It's Friday night at St Greg's.

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Hello. Cardiac arrest.

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Like so many hospitals in the UK,

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the staff at this A&E are seeing the effect of the £2 billion NHS

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-deficit.

-Can I get some help, please?

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We're losing him.

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Nurse Jefferies is responding to an incident in the corridor.

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Clear!

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A middle-aged man has been found collapsed on a hospital trolley.

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Clear!

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Come on, Doctor. Time for work.

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Due to a continued lack of investment in the NHS,

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Dr Allen is on his 250th consecutive shift.

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This is my wife on the day our baby boy Matthew was born.

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He'll be seven and a half now.

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I'm hoping to make it home for his tenth birthday.

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In theatre three...

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-Scalpel.

-..Dr Gupta is preparing to perform an emergency appendectomy.

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Scalpel?

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We've...run out.

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Scissors.

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I could run to the kitchen, see if they've got any?

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I've got a spoon in my bag. You could use the pointy bit.

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He's awake.

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We've run out of anaesthetic.

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Get his spoon.

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Welcome to Inside The Story.

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I'm Dale Maily,

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fearless hetero journalist who's not afraid to be unafraid.

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I deliver fair, impartial news, as it happens, wherever it happens,

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telling you the right way to think.

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Hippies. You may think these smelly, flower-wearing drum-bangers

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are harmless. Well, you're wrong.

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These tie-dye-wearing, incense-burning,

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Rizla-licking wasters are now dipping their dirty toes

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into terrorism.

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As I walk round here today, there's a definite smell of aloe vera,

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of nutmeg, of sandalwood. Not so dangerous in a city,

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but in these kind of environment is exactly the concoction that can

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radicalise young people.

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These dreadlocked quinoa-touchers are known to use violence to further

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their criminal activity and environmental goals,

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so I've infiltrated Green Gathering, a pop-up caliphate

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in the middle of the Welsh countryside,

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to find out how these terrorists radicalise the public.

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HE CHANTS

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Shocking, really. Shocking when you actually see children being

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radicalised by this... I don't...

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DANCE MUSIC

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-Your ideas are dangerous.

-They are.

-Dangerous ideas, radical ideas.

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That's why we're here. To connect up our radicalism.

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As you can see, a strange crossover point here.

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As you walk into this tent, you get a strange, sympathetic feeling

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for Islamic fundamentalism, and look here -

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a garment that wouldn't look out of place on someone fighting for Isis.

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-Stay back!

-Stay back.

-Well, you stay back.

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-You stay back.

-Don't walk towards me.

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-Don't come anywhere near.

-Go over there to the campaign space

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and sit there and listen.

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But listen to what? I mean, it's just a lot of people talking about

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strange, left-wing, radical ideas that could destroy society.

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You can just see the leaders here.

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The leaders here are literally asking them to be radicalised,

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they're radical, all of them. It's unbelievable.

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I'm going to see what happens when someone really tells them

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what's going on. Excuse me.

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Are you just all ashamed of yourselves being here?

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Are you ashamed of what you're doing?

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You've got radical ideas here that you're pushing.

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This is a very dangerous agenda.

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This is Natalie Bennett. She's the leader of the Green Party,

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is here. What is she doing here?

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Do you support these domestic extremists?

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Er, well, domestic extremism means standing up to have a politics

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-that people can believe in and trust.

-Believe in what?

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-Honesty in politics. That's a radical idea.

-It's a joke.

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-It's an absolute joke.

-Why are you trashing a really good meeting?

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You come in here fucking talking bullshit.

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What are you talking about? It's all a joke. Unbelievable!

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Trying to get things together in a hippy tent. Unbelievable.

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This is Dale Maily for Inside The Story with a bunch of Green losers.

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SHE PLAYS PERCUSSION

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The UK has voted to leave the European Union.

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The sun has risen on an independent United Kingdom.

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So what happens now? What happens next?

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My name's Dennis Pound and I'm a member of the people's army, Ukip.

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Now that we've achieved our main goal of making the UK independent,

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the party needs some new policies, so I've been sent to Loughton in Essex

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by a top brass to find out what the great British public wants.

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Can I bother you for some policy suggestions?

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We're all out. Got any?

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-We've got our independence and we need another suggestion for the I in Ukip. No?

-Idiot.

-Huh?

-Idiot.

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Oh, idiots.

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-Got a few.

-Yeah? Brilliant. We could use them.

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No Eastern Europeans on any building site anywhere.

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-Any?

-No.

-None at all? OK.

-They don't understand English for a start and they put other people at risk.

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-When they're turning up, and they take the jobs from the likes of me and my kids.

-Yeah...

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It's good. Now we're out of the EU, we can do these things, you know.

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English people are free to, you know,

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work in construction sites and clean toilets and work in Pret A Manger.

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-It's freedom.

-I don't mind 'em coming. If when they come here,

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-one, they should have a permit to work...

-Yes.

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-..two, they should come here already having a job to come here.

-Right.

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Do you mean that metaphorically or literally?

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If I start telling you,

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I'll probably get arrested, so it's best I keep my opinions to myself.

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I think that these...

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-Europeans that are here now...

-Yeah. Should we get rid of them now?

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-Yeah, I would, tomorrow.

-Couple of weeks? Tomorrow.

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I'd put them on an island and shoot them all, myself.

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-Right, right.

-Yeah, that's a bit drastic.

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They come to this country and they're raping people and they get away with it.

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-It's not normal, it's not right.

-It's true. Perhaps we should...

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Bring back hanging. Hang the lot of 'em!

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Shall we do it in a public sphere so everyone can see it happen?

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Yes. Yes. If they want to kill some young girl or baby...

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-Yeah, just hang 'em up.

-And if they brought back hanging,

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I'd like to be the person that hangs them.

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-That hangs them?

-Yeah.

-You sure about that?

-Yeah. I could easily kill a person.

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I mean that's a whole new growth industry, isn't it?

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-Couldn't kill a dog.

-But a migrant claiming benefits on the benefits

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system, no problem at all.

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They go out raping and fiddling with our kids, then yeah.

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We should not have people that don't get voted in telling us what we

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should and shouldn't do when we haven't even voted for them.

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Yeah, we're sick of foreign faceless bureaucrats telling us what to do.

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-We want English bureaucrats telling us what to do.

-Yes!

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Do you have any policy suggestions for Ukip? We're all out.

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Er, yeah, do something about the refugees in Calais.

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-Well, what should we do about them?

-Get them over here.

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-Beg your pardon?

-Get them over here.

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-The refugees?

-Yep.

-Over here?

-Yeah.

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-Right...

-We're making them refugees in the first place, aren't we?

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Right, OK. So, refugees over to UK.

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Definitely written that down there. OK, well, thank you.

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-OK.

-Noted.

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I was born in this hospital 50 years ago.

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And ever since, I've been waiting to have this umbilical cord cut.

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Hello.

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Clean diesel was the promise.

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The reality was anything but.

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-Do you think the manufacturers should be telling the truth?

-Yes.

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Volkswagen has been accused of cheating tests.

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Most VW group cars with 1.6 and 2-litre TDi engines are affected.

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In reality, their diesel cars pump 40 times more pollution into the air

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than is legally allowed.

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All right. You all right? It's OK.

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Well, it's his idea. It's not... I didn't suggest it to him.

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It's him, it's him. He's got this diagnosis and it's just going to be going...

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You know, from now on. So just thought, end it while the going's good.

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And, you know, I don't want to send him to Dignitas or anything like that. It's pretty pricey.

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-So this is... It's a diesel, right?

-Yeah.

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The fumes are quite bad on these diesels, aren't they,

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from what I read?

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-You guys done your tests on them?

-Yeah, yeah.

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Is it sort of hermetically sealed, airtight, once you're in there?

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-Jump in.

-Nothing can get out if you wanted to hot-box it up with his

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-pipe hole in there and there's loads of fumes.

-Yeah, no!

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OK, I'll see you in a sec.

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So, Grandpa, I'm going to hook this up for you now, OK?

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-Oh... What are you...? What are you...?

-Nah, nah, nah...

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I just want him to painlessly fall asleep and this is the

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best way to do it. He's an environmental guy.

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He wanted to go to Prius down the road but I said that would take 45

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minutes, this'll take a couple of minutes. It's the perfect solution for us.

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-Are you serious?

-It's a shame.

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-It's going to be a Mission: Impossible out here, really.

-Very good.

-Yeah.

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The Labour Party is in the midst of a civil war.

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With Jeremy Corbyn having won his second leadership election by a

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landslide, many believe that Labour is too left-wing to be elected into government.

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In this series,

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we follow two Labour Party members on opposing sides of the argument.

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Robin, a dyed-in-the-wool socialist and canvasser,

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and Penny, a Labour Party adviser and self-confessed Blairite.

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Both are convinced that their version of Labour is the future.

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TIN WHISTLE AND DRUMS PLAY

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The annual Miners' Gala in Durham is a march that brings trade unions

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from across the country together.

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Since much of Labour's funding comes from these organisations,

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it's always in the party's interest to keep them on side,

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something that Jeremy Corbyn has managed well during his leadership.

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When we do things together, when we're united together,

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we are very strong together and we change things because of that.

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I've only just joined the Labour Party.

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The first time I ever voted was voting in Jeremy Corbyn, know what I mean?

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-It was a good vote.

-Robin is at the gala to show some solidarity.

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I'm just glad that, like, under Corbyn, like, the party's lost that sort of poisonous need to

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win elections, do you know what I mean? I mean who wants to win elections?

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Nobody. Like, you can't stand firm and actually govern, know what I mean?

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Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Begrudgingly, Penny has also decided to visit the gala to find out

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if union members really are all Corbynistas.

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Just so you know, Jeremy Corbyn is a loser.

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I didn't say that to you.

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You're not supposed to say that kind of thing around here, I don't think.

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Right.

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I wonder how many of these people have sons who are secretly talented

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ballet dancers.

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-What's this? Who's that?

-That's a young Lenin.

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Come on, mate! Get me a young Lenin.

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-No, it's been hard for everyone, this economic downturn.

-Yeah.

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-You know, we had to sell the place in Sardinia, for instance, which was terrible.

-Yeah.

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I'm sure you've been through similar experiences.

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Oh, yeah. I've had people actually lose the only home they had.

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Yeah, it's awful, when you lose one of your homes, isn't it? Yeah.

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How much do I owe you now?

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-It's four quid, mate.

-I thought you were a Communist!

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I thought these were for free! You're a bloody capitalist, aren't you, mate?

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I'm a capitalist now.

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I mean, Jeremy does have a lot in common with the miners.

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He is in the dark most of the time, like them.

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He'd be a great leader for the party if it was 1962.

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Robin has got wind that Jeremy Corbyn is attending the gala.

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Jez! Jez, I love you!

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Unable to pass up the chance to meet his idol,

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he heads over to show his appreciation.

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Just touch me, Jeremy, man.

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Jeremy! Jez, I love you, man.

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Listen, I think you should be the leader, but if you're not,

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do I get my £3 back?

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Come on, mate! Come on! Jez, we can! Jez, we can!

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He touched me.

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He touched me. I'm never going to wash my hands again.

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Oh, fuck off.

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It's accused of generating revenue,

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funnelling the profits to offshore accounts.

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We will force people like Starbucks, Vodafone, Amazon and Google,

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and all the others, to pay their share of taxes.

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HMRC has got to get a grip and can take action straight away.

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These days there's a VR simulation for everything, but what possible

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simulation would you give to a guy that's seen it all?

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You know the dude. Billionaire, CEO of a tech company, like Google, Apple,

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or, I don't know, Facebook?

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Introducing virtual reality tax simulator.

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Follow me.

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Some CEOs have literally never experienced the joy of paying tax until now.

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Here at Off Shore Studios, we're working on an exciting new project

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and we need your funding to help finish it off.

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Taxpayer simulator is the ultimate virtual representation of what it

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feels like to fill in a tax return.

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Yeah, it can all be a bit intense for the non-taxpayer,

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which is why we've included three difficulty levels.

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It really makes you feel like you're giving away 20% of your profits on the spot.

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This can't be right. You're taking 20%?

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How am I supposed to live on this?

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One of the things I'm most proud of is the calling the tax office scenario.

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It really captures the tedium and frustration.

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-RECORDED VOICE:

-Thank you for calling HMRC.

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Your call is in a queue and will be answered in three hours.

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Paying tax shouldn't just be for the little people.

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Help us to create a truly taxing experience for the 1%.

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Like Eric Schmidt, former CEO of Google.

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Hello, Mr Schmidt, I'd just like to show you

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this incredible virtual reality system

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which shows you what it's like to pay your fair share of tax.

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Would you like to try it?

0:13:510:13:52

-Thank you very much.

-It gives you an amazing user experience

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which allows you to see what it's like to just contribute

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like everybody else does and not just avoid millions of pounds.

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Give it a go?

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Hey. I'm Duckface and I'm an instant celebrity and I'm all about raising

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awareness about totes important issues using social media.

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Let's change the planet one hashtag at a time, babes.

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Love you!

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Kara was, like, telling me about this woman Princess Di

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who lived, like, a million years ago before the internet or whatever,

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and she totally hated these things called land mines

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which would totally blow your leg off

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so you can't even have a wax or get into designer jeans or whatever.

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-Ugh.

-CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

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Babes, if Princess Di was around, she couldn't stand it.

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I can't stand it. And, babes, the victims of land mines,

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they genuinely can't even stand.

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Let's start a campaign!

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Hashtag "hopping mad" against land mines.

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Oh, my God. Too much.

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Shut up.

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HEAVY DANCE MUSIC

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-What do you know about the land mines?

-Exploding.

-People dying.

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We're going to tweet our way to the end of land mines.

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Sound good?

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So use the hashtag "hopping" for man...

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For land mines! For land mines!

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-They kill people.

-Hopping mad for land mines.

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Crazy challenge. Oh, my God!

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Hopping mad for land mines hashtag.

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Oh, my God, it's so crazy!

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I love him, Look at him, he's just too cute in real life.

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-I love him.

-By raising awareness with hashtags.

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Can someone fucking hold this for me, please?

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-Hashtag "hopping for..."

-Land mines.

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-The children getting their legs get blown off.

-Yes, yes.

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I'm not having it, OK? Princess Di wanted it done.

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-And so does Kara.

-That sounds crazy.

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Take the land mines, you dirty little bitch.

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You're not going to be blowing off people's legs any more

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and keeping them out of their designer Gucci leggings.

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Keep retweeting, guys, keep snapping, Periscoping, whatever.

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Shut up.

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Tweet me.

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'Please stay on the line. We'll be with you shortly.'

0:15:460:15:49

VOICEOVER: A true story about a man on hold.

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-What's wrong, hun?

-It's EE.

0:15:530:15:55

I've been on hold for ages.

0:15:550:15:57

It'll be OK.

0:15:570:15:58

You'll get through soon.

0:15:580:16:00

'Would you like to skip the queue

0:16:030:16:04

'and talk to a customer service agent for just 50p?'

0:16:040:16:07

What? No way!

0:16:070:16:08

For God's sake, come on!

0:16:110:16:13

'All of our customer service representatives are busy.'

0:16:170:16:20

Oh, well.

0:16:200:16:22

At least your voice is nice.

0:16:220:16:24

A man disconnected from life connects with true love.

0:16:260:16:30

-'Please hold.'

-You want me to hold you?

0:16:300:16:33

I'll hold you.

0:16:350:16:37

A story about what happens when you are stuck on the line

0:16:370:16:40

with the UK's most complained-about telecoms service provider.

0:16:400:16:44

I just love that you're also into classical music.

0:16:440:16:47

Press one. You're hilarious!

0:16:470:16:49

EE, I love you!

0:16:490:16:52

What's wrong with you?

0:16:520:16:53

I'm in love and I can't explain it.

0:16:530:16:55

She listens to me and she says I'm important to her,

0:16:550:16:58

like, all the time,

0:16:580:16:59

and she apologises when she keeps me waiting.

0:16:590:17:02

EE, I love you!

0:17:030:17:06

It's an automated phone service!

0:17:060:17:08

Don't you dare call her that!

0:17:080:17:10

Get out!

0:17:100:17:11

I wish I could feel you.

0:17:110:17:13

I wish I could touch you.

0:17:140:17:16

'Hello. You're through to EE.

0:17:160:17:17

'Graham speaking. How can I help you?'

0:17:170:17:19

-Who are you?!

-'I'm Graham.'

0:17:190:17:21

-What have you done with her?

-'What?'

0:17:210:17:23

Redial! Redial!

0:17:230:17:25

'Welcome to EE customer services.

0:17:250:17:27

-'Your call is in a queue.'

-(Thank God.)

0:17:270:17:29

Coming to cinemas for a very, very long time.

0:17:330:17:37

You, you stop it.

0:17:370:17:39

REPORTER: They were arrested in Istanbul on suspicion

0:17:430:17:46

of attempting to join the terror group Islamic State.

0:17:460:17:49

..What we now call radicalisation,

0:17:490:17:51

but if we want to think of it in terms of, like,

0:17:510:17:53

traditionally what we understand, it's a form of grooming.

0:17:530:17:56

I don't think a lot of them are getting brainwashed in the mosques.

0:17:560:17:59

I think it's mainly online.

0:17:590:18:00

It's very, very sophisticated social media marketing machinery

0:18:000:18:04

-targeting women specifically.

-They just see a few videos

0:18:040:18:07

and they just jump to conclusions as to what's happening over there.

0:18:070:18:11

VOICEOVER: Coming up this season on The Real Housewives Of Isis...

0:18:110:18:15

It's only three days till the beheading

0:18:150:18:17

and I've got no idea what I'm going to wear.

0:18:170:18:20

Abdul seduced me online.

0:18:200:18:22

He had me at "free health care".

0:18:220:18:24

So this is my sixth marriage.

0:18:240:18:25

I've been widowed five times.

0:18:250:18:27

EXPLOSION

0:18:270:18:29

Six times.

0:18:300:18:32

I'm so glad I've moved over here.

0:18:320:18:34

It's everything those guys on the chatrooms told me it would be.

0:18:340:18:36

And it's full of so many wonderful surprises.

0:18:360:18:39

I didn't have to do this in Birmingham!

0:18:390:18:41

-MAN SHOUTS

-Bullshit!

0:18:410:18:42

-Are you ready, girls?

-Yeah.

0:18:430:18:45

Hang on, I'm recording it for Instagram.

0:18:450:18:47

Ta-da!

0:18:490:18:51

What do you think?

0:18:510:18:52

Ahmed surprised me with it yesterday.

0:18:520:18:54

Hashtag "OMG", hashtag "Jihadi Jane",

0:18:540:18:57

hashtag "death to the West", Isis emojis.

0:18:570:19:00

Oh, babes, I love it.

0:19:000:19:01

You look gorgeous.

0:19:010:19:03

She looked massive.

0:19:030:19:05

You're going to need a lot of Semtex to kill that one.

0:19:050:19:08

-Ah, guys.

-Hey, ladies!

0:19:080:19:12

What do you think of this?

0:19:120:19:14

SHE GIGGLES

0:19:140:19:16

Awkward!

0:19:160:19:18

'What a complete bitch!

0:19:180:19:20

'She knew I had that jacket.'

0:19:200:19:21

Copies everything. Copied this.

0:19:210:19:24

Oh, my God, it was so cringe.

0:19:240:19:28

Hashtag "matchy-matchy".

0:19:280:19:31

It's times like this I wish I'd never moved out here.

0:19:310:19:35

-Coming up next week...

-He won't stop talking about his 40 virgins.

0:19:350:19:39

Why can't he be happy with me?

0:19:390:19:41

Ali bought me a new chain which is 8-foot long.

0:19:420:19:45

So I can almost get outside, which is great.

0:19:460:19:49

The Conservative Party has begun a new era and the Prime Minister,

0:19:540:19:58

Theresa May, has created a new Cabinet,

0:19:580:20:01

bringing lesser-known faces to the fore.

0:20:010:20:03

In this film, we follow James Twottington-Burbage,

0:20:030:20:06

Conservative MP,

0:20:060:20:07

who after falling out of favour with the former Prime Minister...

0:20:070:20:10

I just wanted to give you this Bullingdon album.

0:20:100:20:12

-Thank you very much.

-Would you give me a sign of it?

0:20:120:20:14

..now finds himself one of the key players

0:20:140:20:17

in shaping Theresa May's Britain.

0:20:170:20:19

Britain is in the throes of a housing crisis.

0:20:220:20:25

In the London borough of Barnet,

0:20:250:20:27

the Conservative-run council's controversial regeneration

0:20:270:20:30

of the West Hendon estate has come under fire.

0:20:300:20:32

I'm James Twottington-Burbage.

0:20:330:20:35

I'm from the Conservative government.

0:20:350:20:37

And James has been sent to make sure everything is going to plan.

0:20:370:20:40

I was just wondering, do you think this place is south-facing?

0:20:400:20:44

The estate, which has 680 council flats,

0:20:440:20:47

is to be knocked down to make way for a new complex

0:20:470:20:50

of 1,500 luxury flats,

0:20:500:20:52

an act that has been described as social cleansing.

0:20:520:20:56

The thing is, I'm trying to knock this shit down

0:20:560:20:58

-so we can build some nice, new condominiums here.

-Yeah.

0:20:580:21:02

Many Hendon residents,

0:21:020:21:04

some of whom have lived in the estate all their lives,

0:21:040:21:06

are facing eviction and being moved away

0:21:060:21:09

from their family and loved ones.

0:21:090:21:11

All you need to do, really, is gather up your things,

0:21:110:21:13

put them in a car and just drive off, really.

0:21:130:21:15

-Couldn't you do that?

-You think that's easy?

0:21:150:21:17

You can't have that much in there, can you?

0:21:170:21:20

I mean, Jesus, come on.

0:21:200:21:21

-20 quid.

-No.

0:21:210:21:23

20 quid?

0:21:230:21:25

And you just get your stuff and go.

0:21:250:21:26

We'd have to get rid of this scum first but after that,

0:21:260:21:29

just nice middle-class people.

0:21:290:21:31

I think that's really out of... What party are you?

0:21:310:21:33

-I'm from the Conservative Party.

-Everyone here works.

0:21:330:21:36

You work. A man works.

0:21:360:21:37

He earns 1,500 a month.

0:21:370:21:39

His missus earns 1,500 a month.

0:21:390:21:40

That's three grand. That's not even touching the deposit on that.

0:21:400:21:43

You need a 20 grand deposit on that

0:21:430:21:45

and that's just 5% for a 500 grand flat. Who's got £20,000?

0:21:450:21:49

So what you're then doing is you're then forcing someone

0:21:490:21:51

out of the community that still works,

0:21:510:21:53

still provides for the community,

0:21:530:21:55

just so someone else can come in with more money.

0:21:550:21:58

The rich get richer and the poor get poorer.

0:21:580:22:00

Lower it down, lower it down. Yeah, that's... No.

0:22:000:22:02

On that level, that'll be where the cocktail terrace is. Yeah, just there.

0:22:020:22:05

It doesn't belong to you lot.

0:22:050:22:06

Of course it belongs to us,

0:22:060:22:08

that's what happens when you win an election.

0:22:080:22:10

No. You're elected to manage it, not to sell it.

0:22:100:22:13

-You're probably not happy with your life.

-I'm extremely happy.

0:22:130:22:17

Yeah, hmm.

0:22:170:22:18

Have you got 500 grand?

0:22:180:22:19

Mate, I've got a couple of million to spend, to be honest.

0:22:190:22:22

That's all right, then, innit?

0:22:220:22:23

You looked like a wanker, you know what I mean?

0:22:230:22:25

Come on, man, look, I grew up on an estate as well,

0:22:250:22:27

just a different kind of estate.

0:22:270:22:29

More butlers, less cholera.

0:22:290:22:30

That's what I mean. You look like a wanker,

0:22:300:22:33

-so why are you here?

-Well, I'm just here to talk to people

0:22:330:22:35

about potentially moving out.

0:22:350:22:37

-To where?

-Somewhere like Grimsby.

0:22:370:22:39

He's taking the piss. I'll smash you up.

0:22:390:22:40

I think you're really out of order.

0:22:400:22:42

I think you're rude and I think you should just go suck yourself

0:22:420:22:44

and fuck off. My mum has lived here for 25 years.

0:22:440:22:47

-She works hard.

-What have you ever done for this country?

0:22:470:22:50

Did more work before you was even a twinkle in your daddy's eye.

0:22:500:22:54

-Right.

-The best part of you ran down your dad's inside leg.

0:22:540:22:58

If you work for the Conservatives,

0:22:580:22:59

thank God I didn't vote for you because you're arseholes.

0:22:590:23:02

Don't worry, we'll be running things for a long time to come, mate.

0:23:020:23:05

Hmm, let's wait till 2020.

0:23:050:23:07

Thank you.

0:23:070:23:08

G4S finally lost its contract to run this centre.

0:23:090:23:13

Inspectors had found staff high on drugs

0:23:130:23:15

and children suffering racist and degrading treatment.

0:23:150:23:17

Any little thing, they would...

0:23:170:23:20

-put you on the floor.

-Any excuse to put their hands on you,

0:23:200:23:23

they'll put their hands on you.

0:23:230:23:24

-VOICEOVER:

-G4S, the first in custodial facilities,

0:23:260:23:29

the first in security.

0:23:290:23:31

And now the first in childcare.

0:23:310:23:33

CHILDREN WAIL

0:23:330:23:35

The Koala Clubhouse is a state-of-the-art,

0:23:370:23:39

maximum-security creche,

0:23:390:23:40

consisting of 140 cells, 200 inmates and over 800 highly trained staff.

0:23:400:23:46

If anyone runs round next time, drop-kick 'em.

0:23:470:23:50

I'm Gavin Shrew, chief operating officer at the Koala Clubhouse.

0:23:500:23:54

Our tiny inmates are sent here for various offences,

0:23:540:23:57

such as bedwetting and temper tantrums,

0:23:570:23:59

and it's our job to forcibly drag them along the right path.

0:23:590:24:02

All right. Welcome to nappy-changing class.

0:24:020:24:05

Our highly trained staff are prepared for any eventuality.

0:24:050:24:09

Put the arms down, get the nappy off, rip it off, put it in the bin!

0:24:090:24:13

Close bin!

0:24:130:24:15

-Time?

-7.2 seconds.

0:24:150:24:16

Get in!

0:24:160:24:18

We believe care, affection and love are the common mistakes parents make

0:24:180:24:22

when rearing human children. Discipline,

0:24:220:24:25

stoicism and structure are the three cornerstones of Koala Clubhouse.

0:24:250:24:29

And now a dedicated team of counsellors...

0:24:290:24:31

-SHOUTING

-..help to prepare all our inmates

0:24:310:24:33

for life on the outside.

0:24:330:24:35

-Quick, get him!

-DOGS BARK

0:24:350:24:36

Get him before he gets to the woods!

0:24:360:24:38

A range of our activities,

0:24:380:24:39

overseen by our team of childcare professionals,

0:24:390:24:42

are designed to enforce your child's personal growth.

0:24:420:24:45

(They're off.)

0:24:470:24:49

The G4S Koala Clubhouse is the most effective infant holding facility

0:24:490:24:54

-in the UK.

-(Buenas noches, los ninos.)

0:24:540:24:56

G4s creche - secure your child's place today.

0:24:580:25:01

REPORTER: In July, Southern scrapped 341 services a day.

0:25:030:25:07

I'm sick and tired of having to waste hours

0:25:070:25:10

in the mornings and the evenings.

0:25:100:25:12

-REPORTER:

-Passengers increasingly used to overcrowded trains

0:25:120:25:15

now face the likelihood of fare increases

0:25:150:25:18

much higher than in the past.

0:25:180:25:20

Something will need to change soon.

0:25:200:25:22

There is nothing more pleasurable to the British sensibility

0:25:350:25:39

than the wait. We could wait for hours, and we do, regularly.

0:25:390:25:45

Nothing is more quintessentially British

0:25:460:25:49

than waiting for the train to come. Has it been cancelled, delayed,

0:25:490:25:54

diverted or usurped by the charming rail-replacement bus service?

0:25:540:25:59

The architecture in here is simply divine.

0:25:590:26:03

You can feel a certain Victorian grandiosity

0:26:030:26:06

and Elizabethan splendour mixed with the very modern sight

0:26:060:26:10

of a turd bobbing around in the bowl.

0:26:100:26:13

Such very British styles.

0:26:130:26:15

Nothing is more quintessentially British on the train

0:26:150:26:19

than the timeless words, "Can you move?

0:26:190:26:21

"Can you please move?

0:26:210:26:23

"Can you move, please?

0:26:230:26:25

"Your elbow's in my face."

0:26:250:26:27

As if a delayed journeys on a packed train wasn't British enough,

0:26:270:26:31

some rail companies have looked to profit from our misery.

0:26:310:26:35

Charming(!)

0:26:350:26:36

Ladies and gentlemen, apologies on behalf of Southern for the strikes and delays today.

0:26:360:26:41

I am offering Rubik's cubes.

0:26:410:26:43

Anything for you, madam? Would you like to learn Spanish?

0:26:430:26:46

You'll probably have time before the next station.

0:26:460:26:48

No, I'm all right with my newspaper, thank you.

0:26:480:26:50

OK, well, that's not going to last you, trust me.

0:26:500:26:52

Were you clean-shaven before you started?

0:26:520:26:54

If you'd like to stare at this picture of an Indian train

0:26:540:26:57

with people on the roof to make you feel a bit better about the commute.

0:26:570:26:59

It's only 5.99, subsidised by the British taxpayers.

0:26:590:27:02

How much was your season ticket?

0:27:040:27:06

Oh, that's reasonable, isn't it? Diazepam?

0:27:060:27:08

LAUGHTER

0:27:080:27:10

Morphine, madam? Or co-codamol?

0:27:100:27:12

I have a euthanasia kit, a DIY one, sir.

0:27:120:27:16

Would you like it, in case once you get to Haywards Heath

0:27:160:27:18

there's a seven-hour delay? One for you, sir.

0:27:180:27:20

Complimentary. I can see you're close to the edge.

0:27:200:27:22

And how about you, sir? Would you like anything?

0:27:220:27:24

Toothbrush? I've got meditation courses, leaflets on mindfulness.

0:27:240:27:28

No, that's the one thing we can't reduce.

0:27:290:27:31

Apologies for the delay.

0:27:310:27:32

I can't say they're not going to happen again.

0:27:320:27:34

Try not to take it out on your family when you get home.

0:27:340:27:36

LAUGHTER

0:27:360:27:38

We've got a runner.

0:27:400:27:42

MUSIC: Great Escape Theme

0:27:420:27:45

HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

0:27:450:27:47

BEEPING

0:27:510:27:54

All right, mate!

0:27:540:27:56

He's got those Haribos, mate!

0:27:560:27:58

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

0:28:080:28:11

ALARM BLARES

0:28:110:28:12

Oh, heck!

0:28:120:28:14

Dennis Pound is on the streets of Loughton crowdsourcing new policies for Ukip, while Dale Maily braves a festival of hippies. At the Durham Miners Gala, Corbynite Robyn meets his idol Jeremy Corbyn. Instacelebrity and slacktavist Duckface starts a social media campaign, Southern Trains have some new ways to ease the commute, and a new innovation gives billionaires an opportunity to experience paying tax.