Episode 3 The Two Ronnies Sketchbook

APPLAUSE

WHISTLING

Good evening. Welcome to The Two Ronnies Sketchbook. It's great to be with you. Isn't it, Ronnie?

It certainly is. In case younger viewers aren't sure, we ARE the Two Ronnies, famous showbiz couple.

-We're easy to tell apart. I'm taller.

-And I'm shorter.

In a way, we're just like Richard and Judy, really.

LAUGHTER

Except I don't interrupt all the time.

And my blouse doesn't fall open in public.

This is The Two Ronnies Sketchbook.

It involves two Ronnies, 30-odd years, several changes of clothing, and sketches.

Sketches are the important thing.

This is a chance for you to enjoy the best of them as they were meant to be seen, in their entirety.

-Full-length versions.

-And that's quite a claim, coming from you.

LAUGHTER

Indeed it is.

So, enjoy the show as a chocolate box of goodies,

with us as the picture telling you what the fillings are.

Yes, I've got a soft centre.

And I've got a crushed nut cluster.

Oh, dear, what a pity. Put it back.

Here's the first tempting treat,

featuring a memorable example from Ronnie Barker's gallery of annoying waiters.

-This is nice.

-It is rather nice, isn't it?

-Funny we've never seen it before.

-I don't think it's been open long.

Yes?

Well, we'd like a meal, please.

Two, is it?

Yes.

Have you booked?

No, no.

HE SIGHS

-I suppose I can fit you in here, if you like.

-Thank you. Excuse me.

Yes?

Could we have a look at the menu, please?

Want a bleedin' menu now.

Nice, nice...

Oh, look. The menu's shaped like a rook.

It's the name of the restaurant, innit? Complete Rook.

-Now... It's written sort of all differently, isn't it?

-Eh?

No, sorry, I'm talking to my friend.

Now, look.

There's rook pate here. Rook pate. Do you recommend the rook pate?

Only when we've got a lot we want to get rid of.

Well, that's honest, at least.

-What about soup of the day?

-What is it?

Rook soup.

I expect it... I expect it's nicer than it sounds.

Bleedin' isn't.

It's worse than it sounds.

Ever had camel's liver marinated in rain for five days, strained through a balaclava helmet?

-I think we had that in Morocco.

-Surely not.

-I'm not being serious.

We didn't have it in Morocco. It was Tunis, wasn't it? No, no.

-Why do you ask?

-Rook soup's worse than that.

-Why did you recommend it?

-It's going off. Freezer's on the blink.

Look, I think the best idea is to choose the main course,

-and then build round it.

-Good idea.

Then you know where you are. Because you find that, erm...

There's, um... You see, there's...

There's roast rook, braised rook, steamed rook and stuffed rook.

-What is this? "La corneille bouillee a la mode de Toulouse."

-Boiled rook.

Not the sort of restaurant to come to if you don't like rook.

-Not the sort of restaurant to come to if you DO like rook.

-Why?

We serve bloody awful, tough rooks, that's why. All full of lead shot.

I expect the chef has a magic touch.

Magic touch? The chef? Don't make me laugh.

Too much of that, he's riff-raff. Too much of that. Rubbish.

I'm the only bloke that keeps the tone of this place up.

Tell me, what is this? "Coeur de corneille Nantua."

Two rooks tails in a shrimp sauce.

-You must admit, you haven't got a very varied menu.

-Nothing to "crow" over!

-I'm sorry. I read an article on how to relieve tense situations with humour.

-Why don't you try it?

Going to make your ruddy minds up? I've got people waiting.

-Why don't we start with the sweet and work backwards?

-That's better.

We've got ice cream. What kind?

Rook and raspberry ripple.

I'm going to plump for the rook cocktail, followed by roast rook,

-with the rook meringue.

-So will I.

About bleedin' time, an' all.

-We could just walk out.

-Oh, I don't like doing that.

-It's a complete rook.

-The name of the restaurant told us that. We can't sue them.

Sorry, rook's off.

-What?

-Rook's off.

-Right, we'll go somewhere else. Thank you.

We'll have a little Chinese.

-We've got a bit of stewed tortoise left.

-Tortoise? Why didn't you say?

We'll have stewed tortoise for two. Lovely. Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum!

APPLAUSE

I'm told they're still serving that tortoise recipe in the BBC canteen.

I ordered it once, but I don't know what it tastes like. Took so long to get to me.

Shall we waffle on like this, or shall we do another sketch?

-I'm easy.

-There's no answer to that, is there?

Let's have a look at this one.

-Hello, old chap.

-Hello!

Monte Carlo Robinson! Good heavens, Monte Carlo. Haven't seen you for ages. I'll join you in a minute.

Monte Carlo? That's a damn funny name, isn't it?

It was all the rage in those days.

One named one's child after the place he or she was, in fact, conceived, as it were.

Apparently the Robinsons had a cracking good time in Monte Carlo.

Hence, he is called Monte Carlo.

-Of course. I remember now. I know his brother.

-Really?

-He's called Monte Carlo as well. They must have gone there every year.

-Probably.

-Hello, old chap.

-Hello, Nancy.

Nancy?

He was actually conceived in Nancy, you see?

The car broke down on the way to Monte Carlo.

-He's since been anglicised.

-Has he?

-And is now called... is now called Nancy.

-Yes.

The way cars break down, there must be Nancy boys everywhere.

-Hello there, old chap.

-Hello, Ramsgate.

Ramsgate? Are you Ramsgate Fanshaw?

Obviously, your parents couldn't wait till they got on the ferry.

Tell me, Henshaw. You're not named after the place you were...?

-No, absolutely not. Certainly not.

-A letter, Mr Fanshaw.

Thank you, Romford.

I say, this isn't for me. This is for you, Henshaw. Not Fanshaw.

-What terrible writing. What is that Christian name?

-Never mind that.

Be patient, my dear...

Park Bench.

APPLAUSE

During our 15 years together, we spent a lot of our time in pubs.

At least, our characters did. Not us, personally.

-No. I'm not sure about the writers, though.

-No. I'm saying nothing.

But here is a pub sketch that was a particular favourite.

-Hello, Bert. What'll you have?

-I'll have a pint of...

-Pint of mild?

-No.

-Bitter?

-No.

-Mild and bitter?

-No, pint of shandy.

Oh, shandy. Pint of shandy, Jack.

-I haven't seen you lately.

-No, I've been off...

-Off on holiday?

-No.

-Off beer? What?

-No. Off colour.

-Off colour? What's been the matter?

-I got strange feelings in my...

-In your stomach?

-No, in...

-In your back?

-No, in...

-In your side? No, in... In your backside?

-No, in my lunch hour.

-What sort of feelings, then? What feelings?

Well, it happened in the canteen.

-I was sitting opposite this woman and she got...

-A look in her eye?

-No, one of those...

-Hour-glass figures?

-No, apple turnovers.

-She got this apple turnover and she kept, erm...

-Turning it over?

-No.

-She kept toying with it.

-Toying.

-Oh, there we are.

-Lovely.

-Thanks, Jack. Cheers.

-Cheers.

Anyway, we were sitting opposite each other at this little table.

-I suddenly felt her...

-Hand on your knee?

-No.

-Hand on your other knee?

-No.

-What did you feel, then? What's she got her hand on?

-No, well, I felt her looking at me, you know?

-Oh, looking at you.

I could tell she fancied me. We got chatting about gardening.

It came up that I'm very good on...

-On the lawn?

-No.

-No, I'm very good on...

-On Friday nights?

-I'm very good on pest control.

-Oh.

So she said to me, "What are you doing Saturday?" I said, "Shopping. The wife will be in bed with..."

-With any luck?

-No.

-With her trouble.

-What trouble?

-Ever since she worked in a Greek restaurant, she's had bad...

-Bad habits?

-No, bad...

-Bad breath?

-No.

-Bad feet.

-Oh, has she?

-Yeah.

So she said, "Look, you come round. I could sunbathe on the patio.

-"You could look at my big..."

-Big what?

Begonias.

At first I refused because I was a bit taken aback.

-I said I couldn't because I didn't have a long enough, erm...

-What?

-I didn't have a long enough, erm...

-What? Garden spray?

-No.

-Long enough shopping list to be out that long.

-You never went?

-I went.

She pleaded with me. She said if I didn't go round there, she'd be lying there on her...

-On her back?

-No.

-On her front?

-No.

-On her begonias?

-No.

-No, on her own.

-On her own.

So there she was in her sun-suit.

I said to her, "I'd like to kiss you." She immediately got on her...

Hands and knees?

-No, on her high horse.

-Oh.

She said, "Certainly not. I think you're a little, erm..."

-A little raver?

-No.

-A little drunk?

-No, a little...

-A little premature.

-Oh, a little premature drunk.

She said, "I've only known you an hour. You'll have to wait another ten minutes."

-Then she went indoors.

-Oh.

-I tidied up the rockery, then went indoors.

-She was waiting for me in the all...

-In the altogether?

-No, in the 'all of the 'ouse.

A nice time was had by all. She gave me a round of...

-A round of applause?

-A round of...

-A round of golf?

-No.

A round of toast and a cup of tea.

-I got home, very worried.

-Why?

-I thought the wife would find out.

-You know what she gave me?

-What?

-She gave me a bunch of...

-A bunch of fives?

-No, a bunch of begonias.

APPLAUSE

Here is the next sketch.

Bear in mind that nowadays, this would be about mobile phones. Back then, they hadn't been invented.

Hello? Hello, Simon. Gerald here.

Hello, Doris? It's me, Walter.

-How are you, old man?

-All right, thanks.

Simon, I had to ring you up to find out how you got on with that fabulous new girl.

Not too bad. There were one or two things I couldn't get hold of.

Oh, yes. I know the kind of girl. Did you take her somewhere exotic?

Sainsbury's.

Oh. Bianca Jagger goes there, doesn't she?

I think the best thing I can do is to go through the list.

Yes. What was she like? What sort of girl?

-French bread.

-Oh.

Bloomers, two large.

What? Kept slipping down? If you go ice-skating, you will slip down.

And rolls for 20p.

She doesn't?!

What did you say her name was?

Hovis.

I think I know her.

-Isn't she pregnant at the moment, though?

-No. No currant buns, dear.

No, no, they'd run out.

A tin of something for the cat.

It all sounds very fishy to me, old sport. Very fishy indeed.

-Did you say her parents are in oil?

-Yes. The pilchards.

She sounds a right little raver. I don't know how she had the energy.

She said the milkman hadn't been round yet.

That would explain it, of course.

-What did you do?

-I had to get sterilised.

Good God!

To be on the safe side, I'll put them in the fridge when I get back.

Rather you than me, old chap.

Now, where was I?

So she took you home and gave you a nightcap, did she? I say!

What sort? That sounds a bit of a poofy drink.

Well, it's all she had. Fairy Liquid.

Oh, she had bitter lemon and you had something stronger?

-Yes, three tins of curry powder.

-Yes, just to keep you going, eh?

You lucky devil. What perfume was she wearing? Something exotic?

Salt and vinegar and smoky bacon.

-Making a pig of herself, was she?

-Sorry, that was a mistake, dear.

-She was wearing a cross-your-heart bra?

-I thought it said Oxo.

Oh, I see.

So you took the opportunity of having a quick...

Butcher's, yes, dear. Yes, I didn't forget the steaks.

You saw her do what to the bra?

Fillet.

With two portions of sirloin.

Yes, I made sure they were tender.

You had her sitting there, nicely on the boil. Then what did you do?

-I went across the road for some apples.

-That is all you need.

-A dog leaping into your lap.

-Yes, the crunchy sort with yellow skin.

-Golden retriever.

-Golden delicious.

-I bet he bites.

-And Cox's pippins.

Yes, I'm sure. What a terrible thing to happen. What did you say?

-My three minutes is up. I'll have to go, dear.

-That's about all you COULD say.

You haven't told me what this girl does for a living.

She works at Sainsbury's?

-(Your champagne, darling.

-That's for us, later.)

Simon, is this girl six foot, blonde, big blue eyes?

I'm going to be late.

I've got a fair bit to see to.

Forget it, Simon. Sorry, old sport. You've been short-changed.

By a little basket.

APPLAUSE

And so to our final sketch.

As always, a big musical finish in which we show our prowess at music.

He plays the drums and I play the cymbals. Just like infant school.

Except we were performing with a real band and having to march at the same time.

Oh, yes. They say the secret of comedy is timing. I don't think they mean this.

BRASS BAND PLAYS

# Evening, Jack, and how are you?

-# Fine, how's yourself?

-Don't ask me

# Mavis put me on a diet

# She says if my tum gets bigger

# I'll be too fat to reach the drum, Jack

# And lots of other things as well

# Tell me, how's your love life, Jack?

# Full of the joys of spring, mate

# Is it still that six-foot brunette

# The one with the enormous...?

BOOM-CRASH-BOOM-CRASH

# Yes, her name is Mary Jane

# She works at the mattress factory

# She says that life, like a bed, is what you make it

# As long as you take it lying down

-# Where did you get that hat?

-I got it from the stores

# Isn't it a little one? I think it must be yours

-# I have got a big one

-I'm quite sure of that

-# I didn't mean my flaming head

-And I didn't mean your hat

# Old Herbert's drunk again

# He's well away

# He's got a bottle

# With a rubber tube poked down his trousers

# He sips, then plays away

# With any luck

# We'll all get showered with scotch

# If he decides to blow instead of suck

# I don't half fancy a drink myself

# They should put beer on the national health

# You'd see a different show tonight

-# The band would get hissed And Mozart and Liszt

-You're probably right

# As soon as we both finish here

# Why don't we have a meal round the Chinese?

# Or else I shall go off my nut

# Cos my stomach thinks my throat's been cut

# I'd much rather go round the pub

# To refloat my kidney that is sinking

# I don't want to fill up with grub

# That little space that I've reserved to pour some drink in

# Ain't it a pity The pubs in the city All close at half past ten?

# If I had the power They'd close for an hour Then open up again

# I could get chronic On vodka and tonic Till any time I like

# While a policeman watched my car I'd nip home on his bike

# Oh, I would love to eat anything I wanted

# Bangers and beans and enormous lumps of fried bread

# Fed chop and chips and steak and kidney pies

# By a girl who likes cooking Who's big and good-looking Whose dumplings are double the size

REPEAT THEIR SONGS TOGETHER

# And then we'd all have A damn good time

-# All peaches and cream

-And vodka and lime

# To eat and drink Ain't a bleeding crime

# Enough is enough Let's go and get stuffed together. #

Here we go, then. Last number. Entry Of The Gladiators.

See you at the stage door after.

Hurry up. The Chinese shuts at 11. I can hardly wait.

-# Prawn chop suey and a chicken fritter

-Large Drambuie and a pint of bitter

-# Surly waiters

-Fry some potatoes Hurry up with the bleeding tomatoes

# Three green gingers and a brandy Two dry sherries, a half of shandy

-# I'll run amok, two crispy duck

-Wishing you the best of luck

# Herbert's drunk so much He can hardly stand

# I have got a rather similar occasion planned

# So, before it all gets out of hand

# It's goodnight from the boys in the band! #

APPLAUSE

PROLONGED APPLAUSE, WHISTLING, CHEERING

Well, that was a lot of fun, Ronnie.

I loved it. Tricky bit at the end.

Yes, yes, I know. I did one crash too many.

And I thumped when I shouldn't have done. It's embarrassing when you do that, isn't it?

-That's the end of this week's show. We hoped you enjoyed it.

-We did.

Before we rollerblade off into the night, here's a couple of our favourite vintage news items.

A 92-year-old Brighton man married an 18-year-old girl today.

At the reception, her friends gave her a long, woolly comforter,

and his friends gave him about two months.

There was a short ceremony today at a house in Union Street, Romford,

where Inigo Scott, the inventor of dental floss, was born.

The Minister of Health gave a speech and unveiled a small piece of commemorative plaque.

I love that one.

Mr Ebenezer Mole, the world's untidiest man, died today.

His body is now lying in a state.

And finally, here is a police message.

Will the man who lost eight bottles of whisky at Euston Station

go to the lost property office by platform nine, where the man who found them has been handed in.

Once again, it's goodnight from me.

-And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

-Goodnight.