Special Victoria Wood: As Seen on TV


Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS


Special

Comedy special written by and starring Victoria Wood with guests Julie Walters, Celia Imrie, Duncan Preston and Susie Blake. Includes a look at the making of Acorn Antiques.


Similar Content

Browse content similar to Special. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

Hello, and in the few moments before the next programme,

0:00:020:00:05

I'll just fill you in on the next few weeks.

0:00:050:00:09

I'm having a small sherry party on Wednesday.

0:00:090:00:11

Just a few friends. That should be nice.

0:00:110:00:13

I have a pair of curtains arriving from Laura Ashley on the 15th.

0:00:130:00:17

Sky blue with a Regency stripe.

0:00:170:00:20

And at the end of the month, I'm being fired.

0:00:200:00:22

So, that's what's coming up for me and here's what's in store for you.

0:00:220:00:26

Some old trouts and a man who ought to be in the army.

0:00:260:00:29

It's on now, unfortunately.

0:00:290:00:31

Good evening.

0:00:570:00:59

Or if you're watching this on video, press fast forward.

0:00:590:01:01

I look better with stripes through.

0:01:010:01:03

I'll keep my coat. I'm not stopping.

0:01:030:01:06

This is a BBC special -

0:01:060:01:09

it's an extra ten minutes long and I've bought a new bra.

0:01:090:01:14

You see, the cookery programme had the oven up too high,

0:01:140:01:20

so it finished ten minutes early

0:01:200:01:22

and Gardener's World didn't want them, so we've got them.

0:01:220:01:25

This special is a temporary farewell from me to TV comedy.

0:01:270:01:31

AUDIENCE GOES "AHHH" I've taken a part in That's My Boy.

0:01:310:01:34

That was an entirely unnecessary and cruel remark. Let's keep it in.

0:01:370:01:41

Let's have more of those.

0:01:410:01:43

Let me explain.

0:01:430:01:44

This is all lies, what I'm saying.

0:01:450:01:48

We've actually been axed.

0:01:480:01:50

We've been axed because we're not a soap opera.

0:01:500:01:53

Well, EastEnders is hugely popular.

0:01:530:01:56

I prefer something more light and frothy...

0:01:560:02:00

like The World at War.

0:02:000:02:01

I don't mind Brookside because that's on Channel 4

0:02:040:02:06

and we can't get Channel 4.

0:02:060:02:08

We live behind a hill and there's some sort of a delay.

0:02:080:02:12

We get Whirlybirds and The Plane Makers.

0:02:120:02:14

I don't mind Emmerdale...

0:02:150:02:17

I suppose I see it about once every ten years.

0:02:170:02:21

So I've seen it about four times.

0:02:210:02:23

It's always the same episode,

0:02:250:02:27

or seems to be.

0:02:270:02:28

Annie's in the kitchen, making the tea...

0:02:280:02:31

They all come in, stamp on the mat, say, "Ee, by 'eck, Ma, it's parky!"

0:02:310:02:35

Walk to the sink, wash their hands, dry them on the roller towel,

0:02:380:02:41

the phone rings, "Emmerdale Farm..."

0:02:410:02:43

Then it's time for the adverts!

0:02:450:02:47

I've read there's to be a fatal accident on Emmerdale Farm!

0:02:470:02:50

I can't imagine what it's going to be.

0:02:500:02:52

I suppose Annie will be making the tea...

0:02:520:02:56

they all come in, stamp on the mat, say "Ee, by 'eck, Ma, it's parky",

0:02:560:03:00

slip on a buttered barm cake

0:03:000:03:02

and knock themselves out on the roller towel!

0:03:020:03:04

I assume.

0:03:040:03:06

APPLAUSE

0:03:060:03:07

And I've given up on Crossroads, I'm afraid, since Miss Diane died.

0:03:120:03:16

Very upsetting. She lost the will to live.

0:03:160:03:19

Mind you, if I was in Crossroads for 20 years,

0:03:210:03:23

I'd lose the will to live.

0:03:230:03:25

I got confused when people from the Archers turned up in Crossroads.

0:03:250:03:30

What if everyone in Crossroads turned up in EastEnders?

0:03:300:03:34

Or just Benny!

0:03:340:03:36

He wouldn't have say anything,

0:03:370:03:39

he could sit in Pat Beale's cleavage, smiling!

0:03:390:03:42

My friend watches TV all day,

0:03:460:03:48

from Wincey Willis down to the Open University things about germs.

0:03:480:03:52

And I said to her, "Do you think television has killed the art of conversation?"

0:03:520:03:56

She said, "Erm..."

0:03:560:03:58

I like TV catchphrases,

0:04:000:04:03

like the one every tired wife hates to hear at bedtime -

0:04:030:04:07

"I've started so I'll finish."

0:04:070:04:08

Oh, look! This is supposed to be a 40 minute special,

0:04:100:04:13

now it's a 37 and a half minute special.

0:04:130:04:16

People write in and complain if you gabble.

0:04:160:04:18

They do. I don't mind. I'm using the stamps for a lampshade.

0:04:180:04:21

A little thing Janet Ellis taught me.

0:04:260:04:28

I hope you enjoy the show, because we haven't half been in a bad mood getting it ready.

0:04:300:04:36

Julian and Celia smashed a huge bottle of meths on the floor,

0:04:360:04:40

so they haven't had a drink all day.

0:04:400:04:42

Hello! Want to wear a bra but you don't want to wear a woman's bra?

0:04:500:04:55

Just for Men. Like a woman's bra but feels and looks totally masculine.

0:04:560:05:02

The straps keep clear of collar and tie,

0:05:020:05:05

and it won't ride up during sport or locker room horseplay!

0:05:050:05:09

Just for Men.

0:05:100:05:12

The bra that's wasted on women!

0:05:120:05:14

You know, I've scoured this store from top to bottom.

0:05:220:05:25

Can I find a sidewinding thermal bodybelt? Can I buffalo!

0:05:250:05:29

-Why do you want one?

-Miss, I think you'll find there's Spam on that!

0:05:310:05:35

That gippy kidney.

0:05:380:05:40

-Flared up?

-Ohh! It's like being continually poked!

0:05:400:05:44

-Can you imagine that?

-No.

0:05:440:05:46

Dr Brewster said if I don't keep it lagged, I could be spending a penny every 20 minutes come March.

0:05:480:05:55

-Can't they operate?

-Well, I haven't time to go in! I'm on the phone night and day about that carpet!

0:05:550:06:00

-What's the soup, dear?

-Country vegetable.

0:06:000:06:04

What country? Taiwan?

0:06:040:06:05

-Is that steak?

-Doubt it.

0:06:070:06:09

Probably some poor beast that came a cropper at Beecher's Brook.

0:06:090:06:14

And I had a huge to-do and a hoo-ha at the hairdresser.

0:06:140:06:17

-What about those Dublin prawns?

-No!

0:06:170:06:20

D'you know, they hang around sewage outlet pipes

0:06:200:06:22

treading water with their mouths open?

0:06:220:06:25

They love it!

0:06:270:06:29

So, anyway, I'm at Maison Rene...

0:06:290:06:31

-Aren't prawns an aphrodisiac?

-I wouldn't put it past them.

0:06:310:06:36

I'm waiting to be shampooed,

0:06:360:06:39

flickin' through a Woman's Weekly - lovely piece on Alma Cogan...

0:06:390:06:43

-What's the hold-up, dear?

-We're waiting for fresh cauli.

0:06:430:06:47

Fresh?

0:06:470:06:48

Might as well wait for Maurice Chevalier.

0:06:480:06:52

So, I'm pulled into the cubicle...

0:06:520:06:54

Oh, this is ridiculous! Let us by! I'm a diabetic!

0:06:540:06:57

-So in comes Rene...

-She must be getting on.

-Exactly!

0:07:030:07:08

She leans too far forward with a sponge roller,

0:07:080:07:11

she topples out of her walking frame!

0:07:110:07:14

And you have to shout.

0:07:140:07:15

I don't want the whole world to know I'm not a natural Conker!

0:07:150:07:19

Don't have the gateau.

0:07:210:07:22

She just scratched her armpit with the cake-slice.

0:07:220:07:25

And Rene's very set in her ways, style-wise.

0:07:270:07:30

I don't mind, I'm a great admirer of Phyllis Calvert.

0:07:300:07:33

So, why the hoo-ha?

0:07:350:07:36

I decided to go mad, it being the smoked meat purveyors'

0:07:360:07:40

buffet-and-mingle at the weekend.

0:07:400:07:42

Could we get by? We're not having a sweet.

0:07:420:07:45

Very wise, with those hips!

0:07:450:07:47

So I said, "Skip the Conker, Rene,

0:07:500:07:53

-"I'll have Burnished Beechnut and to heck with it!"

-Yeah...

0:07:530:07:56

Well, you know she's colour-blind.

0:07:560:07:59

Colour-blind?

0:07:590:08:00

She can't tell red from blue!

0:08:000:08:02

She once tottered into a brothel, thinking it was a police station!

0:08:020:08:07

-Tea, coffee?

-No!

-She didn't!

-It was OK.

0:08:070:08:10

One of the girls changed her tyre.

0:08:100:08:12

-Are you waiting for something?

-Yes!

0:08:130:08:16

A small mineral water and an orange squash.

0:08:160:08:18

Back by the trays. Tea, coffee?

0:08:180:08:20

You have a look of Eva Braun, did you know that?

0:08:220:08:24

So...

0:08:260:08:28

what Rene mixed up - Burnished Beechnut it was not!

0:08:280:08:33

More like Varicose Violet.

0:08:330:08:35

-I could have wept!

-Did she make you pay?

0:08:350:08:38

Well, she knocked off my Bourbons.

0:08:380:08:41

Then in walks Maxine, waving her whitlow.

0:08:410:08:44

-Is that the bodybuilder?

-No, that's Lois.

0:08:440:08:47

Excuse me!

0:08:470:08:49

Grey eggs. Is that an Arab custom?

0:08:490:08:51

Now you can have, in your own home, to view and view again,

0:08:550:08:59

the very best of 50 years of British television.

0:08:590:09:02

Classic programmes such as Coronation Street

0:09:020:09:04

and other classic programmes like that.

0:09:040:09:06

And all on video for you to keep and keep again.

0:09:060:09:09

A video compilation you'll treasure forever and keep on treasuring.

0:09:090:09:13

THEME TO CORONATION STREET

0:09:130:09:16

Oh, thank you, Ena. Good health.

0:09:300:09:34

I'll give you good health, Minnie Caldwell!

0:09:340:09:37

Oh, Ena! I'm sure I never meant...

0:09:370:09:39

You never do mean, Minnie Caldwell!

0:09:390:09:42

Oh, sup up and shut up!

0:09:420:09:44

I've heard enough scragging to last me from Weatherfield Viaduct to Whit Week!

0:09:440:09:49

It's a lovely milk stout, Ena.

0:09:490:09:52

You take the barm cake, you do!

0:09:520:09:55

Oh, Ena! You've a chip on your shoulder that big,

0:09:550:09:58

Jackson's chippy couldn't cover it with vinegar!

0:09:580:10:01

Put a pikelet in it,

0:10:010:10:03

and you might hear summat to your own advantage.

0:10:030:10:05

'Appen I might. What's to do?

0:10:050:10:08

Oh, yes, Ena! What's to do?

0:10:080:10:11

Well, I keep my trap shut and you can learn a bit

0:10:110:10:16

if you keep your hairnet jammed up against vestry walls.

0:10:160:10:19

You weren't behind t'mangle when they was handin' out stair-rods!

0:10:210:10:24

Oh, Ena! What have you heard?

0:10:240:10:28

That stuck-up Ida Barlow - who's no better than she should be -

0:10:280:10:31

not be too long before she falls under a bus.

0:10:310:10:33

Harry Hewitt'll likely get crushed under the axle of his own van.

0:10:330:10:37

And Valerie Barlow - and if this isn't judgment for setting herself up

0:10:370:10:41

as a so-called hairstylist, then my name's not Ena Sharples.

0:10:410:10:44

From what I hear, it's two clogs to a threepenny bit she'll electrocute herself with her hairdryer!

0:10:440:10:49

-What about the poor little twins?

-Their Peter and their Susan?

0:10:490:10:53

Off to Scotland. Coming back after 20 years without so much as a Scottish accent!

0:10:530:10:58

That's nice! I must tell my Bobby.

0:10:580:11:01

Is that all?

0:11:010:11:03

All?

0:11:030:11:04

I can't listen to gossip all day!

0:11:040:11:08

I have clinkers to riddle and pots to sign!

0:11:080:11:10

Did you not hear nowt about me?

0:11:100:11:12

'Appen I did and 'appen I didn't.

0:11:120:11:15

But I tell you one thing...

0:11:150:11:17

You won't be wanting this.

0:11:170:11:19

CLOSING MUSIC PLAYS

0:11:210:11:23

Hurry, Fiona!

0:11:290:11:30

I can't, Doctor, my stockings are rubbing together!

0:11:300:11:32

In here!

0:11:320:11:33

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-Bow wow!

0:11:370:11:40

Who is it, Doctor? I'm not very bright and I haven't got my glasses.

0:11:400:11:43

My old enemy Crayola.

0:11:430:11:46

Hello, Crayola!

0:11:460:11:47

Doctor! It's been a long time!

0:11:470:11:50

Eons!

0:11:500:11:52

As long as that? You don't look a day over five million!

0:11:520:11:55

How do you do it?

0:11:550:11:57

Table tennis! CRAYOLA CACKLES

0:11:570:12:00

I'll keep him talking. Sneak behind him and disconnect his tubing.

0:12:000:12:04

We don't have any mingmongs!

0:12:040:12:07

Then I'll creep behind him and you show him your operation scar.

0:12:070:12:11

Doctor! Look out!

0:12:110:12:13

Game, set and match, I think, Doctor.

0:12:150:12:18

Run for it, Fiona!

0:12:180:12:19

You've killed him!

0:12:220:12:24

Not at all, my dear.

0:12:240:12:26

I've merely converted his mega-plum-finity

0:12:260:12:29

into negative creepathogs.

0:12:290:12:31

But what does that mean?

0:12:310:12:33

Search me, dear!

0:12:330:12:35

Employment. Job losses - 3,000 in Paisley and 800 in Sunderland,

0:12:380:12:44

with the closure of GK Metalworks.

0:12:440:12:47

Job gains - good news in Hove,

0:12:470:12:49

Mrs Mason of the Sea Breeze Restaurant

0:12:490:12:52

is taking on somebody to peel the potatoes.

0:12:520:12:55

Hello! Welcome back to McOnomy,

0:13:000:13:03

where we try to protect your pennies and pile up those pounds!

0:13:030:13:07

Oh, I spat on my cardigan.

0:13:070:13:08

This is the time of year for that thorny problem -

0:13:100:13:13

insulation.

0:13:130:13:14

A lot of heat is lost through ill-fitting windows and doors.

0:13:140:13:19

And elderly people often live in draughty surroundings

0:13:190:13:24

which they can't afford to insulate.

0:13:240:13:27

So why not invite the elderly person into your home

0:13:270:13:32

and get him to lie down against the bottom of the door?

0:13:320:13:35

It would make a change for them and a cheap draught-excluder for you!

0:13:350:13:41

How many times has somebody thrown a brick through your window?

0:13:410:13:45

Such vandalism is increasingly common.

0:13:450:13:50

And the question we're all asking is -

0:13:500:13:52

what on earth can you do with the bricks?

0:13:520:13:55

What did you come up with, Molly?

0:13:550:13:56

Well, of course, there's all the obvious things.

0:13:560:13:59

Like earrings...

0:13:590:14:01

..ornamental buttons on a favourite coat...

0:14:040:14:08

..but my particular pet...

0:14:100:14:12

Now I'm spitting on my cardigan!

0:14:130:14:15

..is this!

0:14:160:14:17

Attractive, practical,

0:14:180:14:22

a marvellous, inexpensive present for a newlywed or a blind person.

0:14:220:14:27

Cost, Molly?

0:14:290:14:30

Once I bought a drill for the wiring, I'd only to buy the shade,

0:14:300:14:34

the bulb, the flex and the plug!

0:14:340:14:37

So the whole thing came in at under £55!

0:14:370:14:40

Don't plug it in and you won't use any of that expensive electricity!

0:14:420:14:46

You will not.

0:14:460:14:48

Well, our minute's up now, so that's it from Molly and myself for this month.

0:14:480:14:51

Do continue to send us your money-saving hints.

0:14:510:14:54

One viewer suggested the TV company could economise

0:14:540:14:58

by not making this programme,

0:14:580:15:00

which is well worth bearing in mind!

0:15:000:15:03

It's a canny notion indeed.

0:15:030:15:06

Ta-ta!

0:15:060:15:07

# I've got a house Got a TV

0:15:280:15:31

# Got a doormat that says "Welcome" and it's pointed at me

0:15:310:15:34

# Cos I don't No I don't need you

0:15:340:15:38

# I've got friends I've got pals

0:15:400:15:43

# Some are chaps And some are great big hairy gals

0:15:430:15:46

# So I don't No I don't need you

0:15:460:15:50

# Cos love's a high...risk area

0:15:520:15:57

# I've got a notice on my brain

0:15:570:16:01

# Saying don't get caught again

0:16:010:16:03

-# Inside that high...

-High!

0:16:030:16:06

-# ..risk...

-Risk!

0:16:060:16:08

# ..area!

0:16:080:16:09

# Well it's my lucky day

0:16:090:16:12

-# I'm keepin' well away

-Away!

0:16:120:16:16

# I've got brains I've got hair

0:16:160:16:19

# I've got athlete's foot which seems very unfair

0:16:190:16:22

# So I don't No I don't need you

0:16:220:16:26

# I've got cash I've got pounds

0:16:280:16:31

# I've got a letter from Access saying they're gonna send somebody round

0:16:310:16:34

# So I don't No I don't need you

0:16:340:16:38

-# Cos it's a high...

-High!

0:16:390:16:42

-# ..risk...

-Risk!

0:16:420:16:43

# ..area!

0:16:430:16:45

# And the thing I'd rather do is stand well back and wave at you

0:16:450:16:51

-# Inside that high...

-High!

0:16:510:16:54

-# ..risk...

-Risk!

0:16:540:16:55

# ..area

0:16:550:16:57

# It's just a loony bin

0:16:570:17:00

-# And I'm not signing in

-Signing in

0:17:000:17:04

# I've got a degree I've got O level maths

0:17:040:17:07

# I've got a certificate saying I can swim two lengths of the baths

0:17:070:17:10

# So I don't No I don't need you

0:17:100:17:14

# I've been to Rome I've been to Dubai

0:17:160:17:19

# I've been to Keynsham Spelt K-E-Y

0:17:190:17:22

# And I've been thinking that I don't need you

0:17:220:17:25

# I don't need you

0:17:250:17:28

# Love...

0:17:280:17:31

# I really can't be bothered

0:17:310:17:33

# Love...

0:17:340:17:37

# I haven't got a clue

0:17:370:17:40

# Love...

0:17:400:17:43

# I know your heart is bleeding

0:17:430:17:46

# But none of what I'm needing is supplied by you

0:17:460:17:51

# Cos I want heart I want soul

0:17:520:17:55

# I want everybody in the Oxo family to fall down a 60-foot hole

0:17:550:17:58

# But I don't No I don't want you

0:17:580:18:02

# I need flowers I need trees

0:18:040:18:07

# I need a new pair of trousers cos the zip's just gone on these

0:18:070:18:10

# But I don't No I don't need you

0:18:100:18:14

-# Cos it's a high...

-High!

0:18:160:18:18

-# ..risk...

-Risk!

0:18:180:18:20

# ..area!

0:18:200:18:21

# Where only fools go rushing in

0:18:210:18:24

# Looking for their crazy twin

0:18:240:18:27

-# Inside that high...

-High!

0:18:270:18:30

-# ..risk...

-Risk!

0:18:300:18:31

# ..area

0:18:310:18:33

# Well I've had mumps and I've had flu

0:18:330:18:36

-# And I'm not having you

-Having you

0:18:360:18:39

-# Avoid that high...

-High!

0:18:390:18:42

-# ..risk...

-Risk!

0:18:420:18:43

# ..area!

0:18:430:18:45

# It doesn't make a lot of sense

0:18:450:18:48

# To scrape your knees To climb the fence

0:18:480:18:51

-# To reach that high...

-High!

0:18:510:18:53

-# ..risk...

-Risk!

0:18:530:18:55

# ..area... # APPLAUSE

0:18:550:18:59

DOORBELL RINGS

0:19:010:19:02

Hello, Jean! Mmm! Your lavatory smells fresh!

0:19:060:19:11

There's a tang of the ocean about it, isn't there?

0:19:110:19:15

My shoes are rather muddy.

0:19:150:19:17

No problem, Sue. I carpeted the house in wipe-clean floor-web.

0:19:170:19:21

The dirt simply floats off and it doesn't break the bank!

0:19:210:19:24

-Sit down. The kettle's on.

-Thanks!

0:19:240:19:26

BUZZ!

0:19:270:19:29

There's the kettle, with a buzzer, light and cut-out switch,

0:19:290:19:32

no boil-dry worries! Tea or coffee?

0:19:320:19:35

I like both, but health reports make me want a safer alternative.

0:19:350:19:41

But where can I find taste without tannin?

0:19:410:19:44

Try new Aroma.

0:19:440:19:46

All the taste, none of the nasties!

0:19:460:19:49

I have to watch my weight.

0:19:490:19:51

Who doesn't? At only 15 calories a sachet,

0:19:510:19:53

it tickles your taste buds without tipping off your tum!

0:19:530:19:57

-Oh!

-Don't worry, lady. I won't be two ticks. I'm using Krystalene.

0:19:580:20:03

Gets windows twice as clean in half the time!

0:20:030:20:05

With Krystalene's buffing pad, no smears are guaranteed!

0:20:050:20:09

Ta-ta!

0:20:090:20:11

By the way...nice legs!

0:20:110:20:13

HE WHISTLES

0:20:130:20:14

And comfortable too, thanks to Stretchihose,

0:20:140:20:18

the support stocking with the built-in wolf whistle!

0:20:180:20:22

Your loose covers certainly have feel appeal!

0:20:220:20:26

It's Springsoft, the fabric softener that coats each fibre individually.

0:20:260:20:32

Home-made biscuits? Aren't you too tired?

0:20:320:20:35

Two drops of Megavitality before each meal

0:20:350:20:38

promotes a feeling of genuine wellbeing!

0:20:380:20:42

Now the twins have to run to catch up with me!

0:20:420:20:45

THEY LAUGH

0:20:450:20:47

-Anyway, how's life?

-Life?

-Yes.

0:20:470:20:50

You mean real life?

0:20:500:20:52

No! Life!

0:20:520:20:54

The fragrant pantyliner for those in-between times!

0:20:540:20:56

Oh! Life! I didn't know what you meant!

0:20:560:20:59

Oh, Life's wonderful! Individually wrapped for extra daintiness!

0:20:590:21:04

Not very realistic. Or was it?

0:21:080:21:12

Me and another woman in specs will be discussing that sketch

0:21:120:21:16

and its effect on us

0:21:160:21:17

in The Cinderella Factor at 10.30.

0:21:170:21:20

That's not a TV show, it's a woman's cocktail bar.

0:21:210:21:24

Sunday, of course, is very much a day for contemplation,

0:21:270:21:30

religious observance, prayer and worship.

0:21:300:21:33

TV ignores this with a mad whirl of antiques programmes,

0:21:330:21:38

lunatic tenors and hard-hitting thrillers.

0:21:380:21:41

Coming up now.

0:21:410:21:42

ANTIQUES ROADSHOW MUSIC

0:21:430:21:46

-Ah! Now, this looks interesting!

-Interesting.

0:21:500:21:53

-We've seen rather a lot of this porcelain today.

-Have you really?

0:21:530:21:58

And if I just...turn it over...

0:21:580:22:02

Ah. There's a mark.

0:22:020:22:04

That's right.

0:22:040:22:06

Any idea what the mark means?

0:22:060:22:08

Well, I have, but I'd like to hear your views, as the expert.

0:22:080:22:12

Well, this is a mark...

0:22:120:22:13

Well, they've actually written "Wallace Pottery, Hanley."

0:22:130:22:17

Hanley. That's right.

0:22:170:22:20

-Which makes me think it's probably not Chinese.

-Not Chinese?

0:22:200:22:25

And the little price label, 75p -

0:22:250:22:29

pence, I suppose -

0:22:290:22:30

would lead me to believe it's not worth a great deal on the present market.

0:22:300:22:35

That is interesting!

0:22:350:22:38

Anyway... Very nice to see your piece.

0:22:380:22:40

Now, somewhere along the line...

0:22:430:22:46

Hello. ..the top of this went missing.

0:22:460:22:49

So I know it's not worth much,

0:22:490:22:52

but we did want to find out a little bit about it.

0:22:520:22:54

It's a blender!

0:22:590:23:01

Now you've settled an argument.

0:23:010:23:03

We thought it was.

0:23:030:23:05

But the chappie in the library said...

0:23:050:23:08

# God made the world This lovely world

0:23:210:23:23

# The precious sea and sky

0:23:230:23:26

# The sun that shines The stream that winds

0:23:260:23:28

# Each cloud that passes by

0:23:280:23:30

# God made each flower Each blade of grass

0:23:300:23:33

# Each tall and sturdy tree

0:23:330:23:35

# He made this lovely anorak

0:23:350:23:39

# Especially for me! #

0:23:390:23:42

Good morning! Thank you for calling the Mayflower Hotel, Nottingham.

0:23:500:23:54

This is Samantha, how may I help?

0:23:540:23:57

PHONE BEEPS

0:23:570:24:00

Ran out of money!

0:24:000:24:01

Can I have my bill, please? 319.

0:24:030:24:06

319, sir. Ariadne, could you just check this gentleman's bill for me?

0:24:060:24:10

Certainly, Samantha. Won't keep you a minute longer than necessary, sir.

0:24:100:24:14

Good!

0:24:140:24:16

Have you used your lavish minibar?

0:24:160:24:19

No. The key didn't work. And nobody down here answered the phone.

0:24:190:24:25

Thank you for your feedback.

0:24:250:24:27

I hope this didn't spoil your stay unbearably.

0:24:270:24:31

Oh, no, that was relatively minor!

0:24:310:24:34

My bath was filthy, the radio didn't work.

0:24:340:24:37

The TV was faulty.

0:24:370:24:39

I ordered coffee and rolls,

0:24:390:24:40

two hours later I got some cold cocoa and a trouser-press!

0:24:400:24:44

Whilst deploring these occurrences,

0:24:440:24:47

the Mayflower Nottingham cannot be held responsible for any of them.

0:24:470:24:51

-Unfortunate, isn't it, Ariadne?

-Yes.

0:24:520:24:55

Our hands our tied.

0:24:550:24:58

You see, the Mayflower Hotel Nottingham

0:24:580:25:01

can't really bring itself to give a toss.

0:25:010:25:04

The windows didn't open! Very dangerous in a fire!

0:25:080:25:12

But the most appalling thing is that every floor

0:25:120:25:15

is crawling with call girls!

0:25:150:25:17

It's absolutely deplorable!

0:25:170:25:19

I'll just explain your bill, sir.

0:25:190:25:21

-Breakfast, drinks from the bar, room service and valet.

-Hm.

0:25:210:25:26

What's this? "TRT £150".

0:25:280:25:33

Tart, sir.

0:25:330:25:34

I never had a tart!

0:25:350:25:37

Ariadne, could you just check for me, if 319 was down for a tart?

0:25:370:25:41

319 ordered continental breakfast, a tart and a Daily Telegraph.

0:25:410:25:47

I never had a woman in the room!

0:25:470:25:50

Did you get your Telegraph?

0:25:500:25:52

Yes! Look! I'm not paying for a tart I never had! This is ludicrous!

0:25:530:25:58

-You'll be revisiting us, sir?

-I wouldn't have thought so!

0:25:580:26:03

-We can't actually refund your £150 because of the computer.

-Computer.

0:26:030:26:08

-We can delete the item.

-Good.

0:26:080:26:11

And give you a voucher for that amount.

0:26:110:26:14

What?

0:26:140:26:16

And on your next visit, you're entitled to one free tart...

0:26:160:26:21

And one courtesy shower cap.

0:26:210:26:23

Appalling! Where's the managing director?

0:26:250:26:27

-In Parkhurst, isn't he, Ariadne?

-I believe so, Samantha.

0:26:270:26:33

Well, I won't be leaving it there!

0:26:330:26:35

-Thank you for your custom.

-And for the £150. We're going to split it.

0:26:350:26:40

Hello, Tracy. Thank you for leaning on the desk at Mayflower Nottingham.

0:26:420:26:47

Cash, please. 319. He had an all-night. 150 quid.

0:26:470:26:52

319? He said he hadn't had a girl!

0:26:530:26:57

I only got dressed half an hour ago.

0:26:570:26:59

Hoppin' mad cos he never got his Daily Telegraph.

0:26:590:27:02

ACORN ANTIQUES THEME TUNE

0:27:070:27:11

THEME MUSIC STOPS

0:27:120:27:15

How many people tune in every night to hear that oh-so-familiar music?

0:27:150:27:19

About 54.

0:27:190:27:21

But what goes on behind the scenes?

0:27:210:27:24

What don't the public see?

0:27:240:27:25

Let's see what exactly does or doesn't go into the making of Acorn Antiques.

0:27:290:27:33

'Get out!'

0:27:350:27:37

If it's raining, dig it up again!

0:27:370:27:40

'It's 7 o'clock Monday morning,

0:27:400:27:42

'and Marion Clune, Acorn Antiques' feared executive producer

0:27:420:27:45

'knocks the week's scripts into shape.'

0:27:450:27:48

Right! Tuesday, Blake. Not bad.

0:27:480:27:54

Thursday, Robert. Not totally bananas about the AIDS story.

0:27:540:27:58

Would Mrs Overall know what a condom is?

0:27:580:28:01

She could call it a "commdomm".

0:28:030:28:05

Yes, that's very good. We'll use it.

0:28:050:28:08

But I think this AIDS idea is a teensy bit overplayed.

0:28:080:28:14

Let's box a wee bit dangerous here.

0:28:140:28:16

I'm talking off the top of my hairdo but let's go for it.

0:28:160:28:19

Earwax!

0:28:190:28:20

It's an issue, it's health.

0:28:200:28:23

Suppose Berta gets earwax... No, she finds a syringe.

0:28:230:28:27

Could I throw something in here, Marion?

0:28:270:28:30

Feel free. Molto libre.

0:28:300:28:32

Perhaps AIDS has more potential, dramatically, than earwax.

0:28:320:28:37

You're fired. Don't talk to the press if you like having kneecaps.

0:28:390:28:44

Watkins, Monday. Funny way to spell "Acorn".

0:28:440:28:47

'And those very scripts end up here,

0:28:470:28:50

'where actors and director sweat to produce the magic

0:28:500:28:53

'that is Acorn Antiques.'

0:28:530:28:55

Phone down, turn to Derek. Yes?

0:28:570:28:59

-Then I look questioningly at you.

-Will you? So...

0:28:590:29:03

-That was Immigration, Derek...

-HE INHALES

0:29:030:29:07

-Are you going to do that? I'll leave a gap.

-No, it's my tooth again.

0:29:070:29:11

-Immigration. Not good news.

-Miss Babs?

-Can't we cut "Miss Babs"?

0:29:110:29:16

It's Bab, Bab, Bab every two minutes. Anyone mind? Simon?

0:29:160:29:19

No? OK.

0:29:190:29:21

You're to catch the first train to Kirkcudbright tomorrow.

0:29:210:29:26

It's Kir-coo-bree.

0:29:260:29:27

I know that. Babs wouldn't. Simon?

0:29:270:29:30

-Then I'm sort of stunned by the news, isn't it?

-No idea.

0:29:300:29:34

-So I go...

-Camera's on me anyway...

0:29:340:29:38

Right, Simon? Yes?

0:29:380:29:40

Tea break? Simon? Yes?

0:29:400:29:41

Are you very much like the parts you play? Are you Mrs Overall?

0:29:450:29:49

I think Bo and I are rather alike, Paul, yes.

0:29:490:29:53

-Who's Bo?

-Boadicea. Overall.

0:29:530:29:56

We're both rather gutsy ladies.

0:29:560:29:59

Very determined. Strong moral sense.

0:29:590:30:02

We've both had rather difficult lives.

0:30:030:30:06

A certain amount of personal loss.

0:30:070:30:09

They're both very warm and very giving.

0:30:090:30:11

Bless you for that, my darling!

0:30:110:30:13

But I'm younger and, I hope, rather more attractive!

0:30:140:30:18

So the famous lumpy tights and varicose veins,

0:30:200:30:23

that just goes on with the make-up?

0:30:230:30:25

-Have you got the crossword, Derek, my darling?

-Erm...

0:30:280:30:31

Are you one big happy family? Do you all get on well?

0:30:330:30:36

I should say, on the whole...

0:30:360:30:39

no.

0:30:390:30:40

There's been a lot in the press

0:30:410:30:43

about a feud between you and younger members of the cast.

0:30:430:30:47

Dear Paul, I'm a huge, huge star.

0:30:500:30:54

This is the price I pay.

0:30:540:30:56

-Look how the press treated poor Yorkie.

-Fergie.

-Fergie.

0:30:560:31:00

'Thursday is for outside filming.

0:31:030:31:05

'A tricky shot is being discussed.'

0:31:050:31:09

So Mrs Overall comes out of the shop, takes out the letter, posts it

0:31:090:31:14

and goes back into the shop. Go!

0:31:140:31:17

-There's no pillar box.

-So...

0:31:170:31:19

-Mickey! Here! Now!

-Yes, Miss Clune?

0:31:190:31:22

You don't...chew...gum!

0:31:220:31:24

Take it out.

0:31:240:31:25

Give it to me.

0:31:270:31:28

You're fired.

0:31:280:31:30

-What was that?

-No pillar box!

0:31:300:31:33

No problem! Nila problema!

0:31:330:31:36

Slip in a line, "Oh, Miss Babs, the pillar box has been stolen by terrorists.

0:31:360:31:41

"What a palaver."

0:31:410:31:43

-And pick that up in another story later?

-No.

0:31:430:31:47

Bo, how are they? Has this terrible rain brought them on again?

0:31:470:31:51

They're fine.

0:31:510:31:52

I'm fine. Kenny, if you could hover with my Veganin.

0:31:520:31:55

I'll be here.

0:31:550:31:56

Small change. Pillar box has been stolen.

0:31:560:32:00

-So I come out...

-Come out.

-..walk, walk, walk to the pillar box...

0:32:000:32:03

"Blimey, oh, fiddly-bob, no pillar box..."

0:32:030:32:05

-React, react, react...

-That's it...

0:32:050:32:07

-It's here!

-Ah! Back to plan A!

0:32:070:32:10

Oh, there is a pillar box!

0:32:100:32:12

First there's no pillar box, then one appears. What next? No pavement?

0:32:120:32:16

-So...

-Do you mind? This is rather a tricky manoeuvre.

0:32:160:32:19

It's rather fussing being filmed as one is working!

0:32:190:32:21

'It's Friday. A quick make-up check before the cameras roll.'

0:32:230:32:27

-So where will I find Mrs Overall?

-Her dressing room.

0:32:280:32:32

So I said, "I was wearing leather shorts before George Formby had a ukulele!"

0:32:320:32:38

You all have your own dressing rooms?

0:32:380:32:42

No, not all of us.

0:32:420:32:43

Are all these presents...?

0:32:440:32:46

People are so, so, so kind!

0:32:460:32:48

A jobbing actress who scraped to put herself through the RADA!

0:32:480:32:52

I've captured the hearts of the nation.

0:32:520:32:55

It's almost frightening.

0:32:560:32:58

What's this? What is that?

0:32:580:33:02

It's a haemorrhoid preparation, to be brutally frank with you.

0:33:020:33:06

Cut?

0:33:070:33:08

'This is it, the moment when all that hard work pays off.

0:33:140:33:18

'As the actors stand by on the studio floor,

0:33:180:33:21

'Marion and Simon get ready to record episode 1,573

0:33:210:33:26

'of Acorn Antiques.'

0:33:260:33:27

OK! Running up recording! You've done a marvellous week's work!

0:33:270:33:31

Relax, enjoy it, but above all don't touch the antiques!

0:33:310:33:36

I want them back in my lounge in one piece.

0:33:360:33:38

Stand by!

0:33:380:33:40

Cue titles.

0:33:410:33:42

ACORN ANTIQUES THEME MUSIC

0:33:480:33:50

-How do you feel?

-I won't talk, Paul, my darling.

0:33:500:33:52

I just have to gather myself in. Focus. Be.

0:33:520:33:56

Coming to two... No, three!

0:34:000:34:03

Oh, no, it was two! Now coming to three!

0:34:030:34:06

You're on, Babs!

0:34:080:34:09

Love those nostrils!

0:34:110:34:13

And Princess Margaret is so like me. Give, give, give.

0:34:130:34:16

Do you mind...? I promised the specialist.

0:34:160:34:19

Well...

0:34:190:34:20

Stand by, Mrs Overall.

0:34:200:34:22

On the doorway...three!

0:34:220:34:24

I said, "For you, Lord Telford..." I'm talking, Colin!

0:34:240:34:28

"For you, Lord Telford, it would be a pleasure...and an honour."

0:34:280:34:34

-Where is she? Cue her!

-She'll be there.

0:34:370:34:41

Be calm. Be calm...

0:34:410:34:42

Come on!

0:34:430:34:45

-You're on!

-I'm aware of that, Colin, after 30 years in the business!

0:34:450:34:49

Where's the bloody tray!?

0:34:520:34:55

-We'll cope.

-It's mentioned!

-Hm?

0:34:550:34:58

Mrs Overall! We could smell your bhajis a mile away!

0:35:000:35:04

And do I spy a new tray?

0:35:040:35:05

She'll get us out of it! Come on, Bo! Improvise!

0:35:080:35:14

Yes! I just had to bring it in to show you!

0:35:140:35:18

Take it! Isn't it light?

0:35:180:35:21

Mm! And such a lovely shade of mauve. Look, Clifford!

0:35:210:35:26

Magnificent!

0:35:260:35:27

-Shall we cut?

-No.

0:35:270:35:29

We professionals notice. Joe Public never clocks a damn thing.

0:35:290:35:33

# It's Friday night I'm getting right excited

0:35:450:35:48

# Picking up my friend at half-past eight

0:35:480:35:50

# We'll boogie down to the hottest spot in town, it's great!

0:35:500:35:55

# Really great

0:35:550:35:56

# Hello Karen Are you coming out now?

0:35:560:35:59

# I were putting on my mousse That's why I'm late

0:35:590:36:02

-# I've done a plait

-It's right effective, is that

0:36:020:36:04

# It looks great! Really great!

0:36:040:36:07

# Hiya Pat and Pam D'you fancy coming?

0:36:100:36:13

# Pam's just been stood up She's in a state

0:36:130:36:15

# Well never mind

0:36:150:36:17

-# Come with us and unwind

-You'll feel great!

-Really great!

0:36:170:36:21

# What is it, a disco or a party?

0:36:210:36:23

-# No!

-We don't wanna sway or undulate

0:36:230:36:26

# But it's dreamy It's really hot and steamy

0:36:260:36:29

-# It's dead great

-It's really great

0:36:290:36:31

-# Where?

-Where?

0:36:310:36:33

# At the chippy At the chippy

0:36:330:36:36

# Where the salt stings and the vinegar is drippy

0:36:360:36:39

# Come on through that golden gate

0:36:390:36:45

# It's great!

0:36:450:36:46

# Evening girls What is it - double scallops?

0:36:470:36:50

-# Jumbo sausage?

-Nuggets?

-Cod?

-Or skate?

0:36:500:36:53

-# No chips

-THEY SCREAM

0:36:530:36:55

-# Total eclipse!

-Unless you wait

0:36:550:36:57

# Yeah that's great At the chippy, we say yippee

0:36:570:37:01

# And our pies never make you gippy!

0:37:010:37:03

# And you won't re-gur-gi-tate!

0:37:030:37:09

# Really great(!)

0:37:090:37:10

-Evening!

-Evening!

-Evening!

-Evening!

-BOTH:

-Evening!

0:37:120:37:15

-Not so bad.

-The weather...

-..could be worse!

-That's right.

0:37:150:37:18

-# Can we have a bulletin?

-The fat is hot!

-The chips are in!

0:37:180:37:21

# We're gonna wa-a-a-it!

0:37:210:37:24

# It's great!

0:37:260:37:27

-# The atmosphere is hotting up now!

-That's right!

0:37:270:37:30

# The smell of chips begins to permeate

0:37:300:37:32

# It's an event!

0:37:320:37:34

-# Give me that non-Brut condiment!

-Just wait!

-That's great!

0:37:340:37:38

# At the chippy we go skippy

0:37:380:37:40

# Whoops! The grease does make the lino slippy!

0:37:400:37:44

# But we have to celebrate!

0:37:440:37:48

# Cos it's so great!

0:37:480:37:50

# Really great!

0:37:500:37:52

# We're here...today from at least three streets away

0:37:520:37:57

# We come flying when you're frying!

0:37:570:38:00

-# Steady! Eddie!

-Chips are ready!

0:38:000:38:03

# At the chippy You go dippy

0:38:030:38:05

-# Burn your tongue

-Get grease all round your lippy

0:38:050:38:08

# But it won't ex-as-per-ate!

0:38:080:38:13

-# To the chippy when it's nippy

-And you just can't face a Mr Whippy

0:38:130:38:19

# And you will ap-pre-ci-ate!

0:38:190:38:24

# The chippy is great!

0:38:240:38:25

# Just breathing in could make you hyperventilate

0:38:250:38:28

# Chips and Vimto I could drink it by the crate!

0:38:280:38:31

# Daily Mirror's so much nicer than a plate!

0:38:310:38:33

# Bugger yoghurt I think chips rejuvenate!

0:38:330:38:36

# How can you hesitate? Don't it make you salivate?

0:38:360:38:39

# How can we accentuate the fact we don't exaggerate!

0:38:390:38:42

# The chippy's great! #

0:38:420:38:46

It is!

0:38:570:38:59

Well, perhaps not everyone's cup of tea but a jolly nice try all round!

0:39:540:39:59

Later, our popular handyman Ken Chiselit.

0:39:590:40:03

Not "Chisel"!

0:40:030:40:05

Excuse me.

0:40:050:40:06

Yes, so, Chiselit. He'll be telling us how a common plastic drainpipe

0:40:060:40:10

can be put to a variety of uses.

0:40:100:40:13

For instance, did you know it makes a marvellous and economical cloche

0:40:130:40:18

for spindly seedlings?

0:40:180:40:21

Just one of Ken's ideas for Doing It Yourself!

0:40:210:40:24

-Oh, Andrew...

-Yes?

0:40:240:40:27

Did I explain what happens when you press this switch?

0:40:270:40:29

-Uh, no.

-This.

0:40:290:40:31

Hello?

0:40:350:40:36

Comedy special written by and starring Victoria Wood with special guests Julie Walters, Celia Imrie, Duncan Preston and Susie Blake. Includes a look at the making of Acorn Antiques.