Episode 4 Top Gear

JEREMY: Tonight, the fastest man in the world on our track.

They don't call me Bolt Of Lightning for nothing.

The slowest man in the world falls asleep.

And we literally set fire to Dorset with a machine gun.

Thank you everybody, thank you.

Thanks very much. Hello.

Hello and welcome.

Now, fast Fords.

What they do is demonstrate that you don't need a plum in your mouth

and a double-barrelled surname to get on in life.

The RS Capri is Harold Wilson.

The Sierra Cosworth is Bruce Springsteen.

And then of course there is the Escort Cosworth, proof that God wears a donkey jacket.

LAUGHTER

I love a fast Ford. And now there's a new one.

It's called the Focus RS.

And let's cut straight to the chase.

It costs £25,000, which is family saloon money.

But its top speed

is 163 miles an hour.

There's a reason for that insane speed.

A Volvo engine.

It's the same one they used in the Focus ST but now it has new pistons,

a new intercooler, a new inlet manifold.

And a new type of turbo.

The result is a front-wheel-drive car that produces 300 horsepower, which is impossible.

Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering

while handling let's say more than 170 brake horsepower

is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling.

Penguins.

While making love to a beautiful woman

while on fire, on stage, in front of the Queen.

It's all going to go wrong.

To try and make sure it doesn't, the RS has a new type of

front differential featuring things that only James May can understand.

But does it work?

So, watch the steering wheel, OK? Hands off.

WHEELSPIN

Yep, that's torque steer, look.

The power is actually turning the wheel, and violently turning it.

So the diff hasn't fully cured that problem.

But what about cornering?

You can actually feel the whole system working through the wheel. It's odd.

I have to say though, the grip is absolutely phenomenal.

Look at that.

Eventually, of course, you will slide wide.

But only after your face has come off.

This is an amazing car.

And let's not forget, shall we, that without behind the noise...

and the power, and the massively flared wheel arches,

this is still a Ford Focus.

It has a big boot, a fold-down rear seat,

sat nav and air conditioning.

You might think this is a bit garish.

The sort of car that would turn up to court with its hat on back to front.

You might think your BMW is better.

But when it comes to offering the maximum amount of fun

with the most amount of practicality for the least amount of money,

I honestly can't think of anything which even gets close.

Oh, I can!

This is a Renault Megane R26R.

It weighs 19 stone less than the standard hot Megane because it has no sound dampening,

no sat nav, no radio,

and even a titanium exhaust system.

As the result of all of that,

this car has just been round the Nurburgring - 8 minutes 17 seconds.

No other front-wheel drive car has ever been around faster.

So if it's fun you're after, forget Jeremy's fat Ford, this is what you want.

-Hammond.

-Yes, what?

-Let me ask you a question.

-Yes, go on.

-How many horsepower do you have in your Renault?

Er, 227.

-227.

-Same as a normal Honda.

So that's 73 less than I have in the Ford. Shall we count them?

-One, two, three...

-Yes, it's got less horsepower because it needs less because it's lighter.

-How much does your Ford weigh?

-1.4 tons.

About 200 kilos more than this. It's a sports car.

-Power, Hammond, is everything.

-No it isn't, it's lightness.

-Power.

-No, it's not.

-It is.

-It isn't.

-It is.

-It isn't.

-It is. Well, it is a bit.

-Do you know what?

-We should settle this and there's only one way.

-Yes.

-A race.

-A drag race.

-Yes.

And I'm thinking not just a conventional drag race, let's make it a Le Mans-style drag race.

-Come back here.

-What, where you run to the car?

-Run to the car.

-That car's quite a long way.

-Run to the car. Belt on, engine on, whoom!

-OK? Ready?

-All right.

-Steady.

-Yep.

-Go!

You see, I'm in already.

Right, belt on.

I don't have a belt, I have a harness but that's OK.

No, that's...

Oh, God, I'm sitting on it.

That's not right. Clearly.

-What do you think of that?

-Let's do...

I won the race, came back to the start line, you haven't even begun.

-What's the matter?

-Four-point harness.

Hammond suggested we had a new race where we started IN the cars.

Whoa! Come on!

Oh, he's got a bit of a quick start.

Lightness versus power. Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

Rotten off the line, the light weight helped there

but now the power comes in.

-Oh, ho!

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Aah!

-I had you up to 120.

-And then what happened?

How much does that cost anyway?

£25,000.

There you go, that's £2,000 more than the Renault.

-What's this?

-Ah, yes, that's to save weight, it's thin.

-That's not thin.

-It's lightweight, that's the point.

-Look at this.

-Yeah? It's to keep the weight down low so that the bits high up the car are light.

It's a polythene bag.

-That's to make it...

-I'd love to know just how much room there is in the back for somebody of my height.

-Oh no, it's all full of scaffolding.

-Yes, and that makes it better through the corners.

-Better than what?

-Better than that thing for a start.

-Let's have a look in here, shall we?

-No radio.

-You don't want a radio in there, it's about weight. You want to listen to the engine.

-Passenger airbag?

-Who cares about them?

-You've got just one airbag.

-Yes.

-There's nothing...

Yes, because it's been stripped out.

-Let's look at the opposite end of the scale.

-The winning...

-Let's just have a look.

Stereo, yeah, big unit. And what's this big stick down there?

-Just push that.

-Yeah.

Voice control?

Voice control.

-Put the radio on, please?

-No, don't be stupid.

-COMPUTER VOICE:

-Important speech commands for radio are...

-Oh God!

How does that help you go faster?

Let's just go to the graphic equaliser, shall we?

I don't want any of this on my sports car.

The thing that gets you...

-What do you mean?

-None of this has anything to do with a hot hatch.

No, the whole point of a hot hatch is that it should do everything.

Yours just does fast, and not very well.

After another hour of bickering, we swapped cars.

And both of us were in for a big surprise.

That's a lot of power.

God, it's quick on the corners.

Then it all turned into a big race.

It looks like I have myself a big green Ford bearing down.

Every time I catch up on the straight...

Yeah, this is better under braking. And I can turn tighter.

Oh, I'm oversteering! Oh no!

Power. Reel him in.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

'Soon the film crew realised it would all end in a big crash and tried to stop us.'

HE WHISTLES

-WALKIE-TALKIE:

-..Please come back in.

-What?

-Having too much fun.

The crew's going mad for some reason.

SIREN BLARES

-What?

-CREW:

-Got to do tracking shots. Come on, stop carrying on!

What were you thinking? We've got other shots to do.

-It was him.

-The sun's going down.

I wanted to come in. I actually did say we should go in.

After a whole day's testing, we arrived at three conclusions.

One, the Renault is the best to drive on a short blast.

Two, the more powerful, more comfortable Ford is better to own on a day-to-day basis.

And three, if you had your heart set on one of these

before the banking crisis came along, don't worry,

because you can now have just as much fun

for a whole lot less.

-Fair point.

-Fair point. Exactly.

-Craftsmanship.

-That's good, that's good.

It's a good car.

-It is.

-But obviously as an overall engineering package there is only one choice.

Yes, there is. The Ford.

I completely agree with absolutely nothing you're saying.

Tell you what, we will sort this out by finding out which is the fastest round our track.

That of course means handing them over to our tame racing driver.

Some say that he is absolutely baffled by urinals.

And that on reflection this was a bad week to launch his debut single.

It's a tribute. To Farrah Fawcett.

All we know is he's called The Stig.

There we go. Now the Renault is going to be fastest.

-Yeah but look, it's straight into the lead.

-But wait till we get to the first corner.

-There we go.

-It will still be ahead, I knew it.

-Look at that.

Look at the Renault clinging on like a kitten to your curtains.

-A-ha, but now what's going to happen?

-The Focus is still rolling.

-BAGPIPE MUSIC

-Listen.

-Is that music coming from your Renault?

-No.

No, because it hasn't got a stereo.

No bagpipe music, how is that a bad thing?

Look at it roll. The Ford can't stay on the track.

Watch the Ford.

-Scuffing its door mirrors as it goes through.

-Just shut up.

-What a mess!

Cornering level from the Renault.

Now it's all straight from here on in. 300 horsepower.

BAGPIPES CONTINUE

There we go.

The cheese-eating surrender monkey is now going to be...

200 horsepower hauling its massive bulk.

Here we go, coming up to the second-to-last corner.

-I admit, yes, the Renault will be good through here.

-And the Ford...

That is superb.

Absolutely magnificent last bit. Exciting.

Across the line!

APPLAUSE

Let the board decide.

The Ford did it... Ford first.

The Ford did it in 1 minute 29.3 seconds. There it is.

A good time, OK, OK.

But the Renault, what did it do?

Oh God, I've forgotten.

-No, come on, tell us.

-It was on the tip of my tongue, I can't remember.

Can I just say if you're watching this on the Sky Plus, welcome. You haven't missed much.

Just a crummy Renault driving around quite slowly.

Just tell us what the Renault did it in!

-1.28.1.

-1.28.1!

APPLAUSE

That's brilliant. A victory for the Renault.

Doesn't matter.

-It doesn't matter. It can't go on the board.

-What? Why?

-It's on slicks. These are slick tyres.

-They're road legal.

There's no tread on them at all.

-They're road legal!

-They're morally wrong.

-What?

Morally wrong?

So, you're going to report me to the Church of England now?

-Yes, and then you'd be in trouble with the baby Jesus.

-For my tyre treads?

And now the news, and we begin the news with a new Lamborghini.

Here it is. And that has been named after

their recently retired chief test driver Valentino Balboni.

I bet they wouldn't have called it after him if he'd been named Ken Shufflebottom.

-Their new chief test driver is called Max Venturi.

-No, he's not.

-He is.

-He is, honestly. That's his real name.

Nobody outside of a comic strip is called Max Venturi, Lamborghini tester.

You don't need a driving licence to be a Lamborghini test driver.

You just turn up for the interview, go, "I'm sorry,

"I'm drunk and mad but I'm called Velociraptor Clint Thrust."

"Right, you start on Monday."

Anyway, it's a limited edition. They're only going to make 250.

It's £138,000, which is £10,000 less than the regular car.

But that's because this is rear-wheel drive. The others are four-wheel drives.

-But what I really like about it is that stripe.

-This one?

-Yeah.

It goes over the seats as well.

-Does it?

-Yes, it carries over the roof and over the seats.

I like that stripe so much I'd be prepared to buy the whole car just to get it.

Can I just offer one word of warning to anyone who's thinking of buying a Gallardo? James, for you.

Have you seen this?

That's a burning Gallardo.

Have you seen this?

That a burning Gallardo.

-Have you seen this?

-That's a burning Gallardo.

-I know, but have you seen this?

-That's a burning Gallardo!

-What about this?

-Burning Gallardo.

-What about this?

That would be a burning Gallardo. That's ridiculous.

So I go into the dealer and I say, "I'd like a Lamborghini, could I have one that's not on fire?"

The thing is, I have to say, this is what makes driving a Lamborghini so exciting.

You drive a normal car and it's not on fire!

Goodwood Festival of Speed last weekend, as I am sure you know.

This is a celebration of all the great cars or the brilliant cars we have seen over the years.

Renault turned up with this.

LAUGHTER

I kid you not. Look what it says here on the picture they sent us.

The Renault ZE, that stands for zero emissions,

Renault ZE concept wows Goodwood Festival of Speed.

Wrong word, should be "ruins".

What are they talking about?

How many children said, "Dad, can we please go to the Goodwood Festival of Speed

"cos I really want to see a zero emission Renault van?"

Yes, how many of those kids went back to school the next day, "Did you see the chrome-plated Bugatti?"

"No, but I saw a Renault van with green windows, yeah."

Right, what else have we got?

Right, now Hammond, have you seen this?

-It's for you.

-Oh, it's a Zonda.

This thing, this is the Zonda Cinque.

It's got a new front splitter, new diffuser.

But what they've done is invent a new composite fibre

to make this thing.

The body of it is made, it combines carbon and titanium to make carbotanium.

-They haven't called it that.

-It's straight out of a comic. And it's made of carbotanium.

Carbotanium. It's a good job they didn't call it titbon!

Anyway, that's got quite a lot of power.

678, 217 miles an hour, 0 to 60 in 3.4 seconds.

It's right up your street, Hammond.

Do you know the most impressive statistic about this car?

It does 124 miles an hour to zero in 4.3 seconds.

Just in case, let me just time that for you.

So you're doing 124 now.

-Brake, 100, 50 and you've stopped now.

-That's immense.

124 to... It's just unbelievable.

-You would feel that.

-That could actually quite literally make you sick, decelerating at that rate.

In fact, I did a calculation. That is the equivalent of minus 1.3G.

Your sick would come out really quickly.

All over the dash of your Zonda... Bits of carrot.

-And you did a calculation on how quick the sick would come out?

-Oddly enough, I have.

Your sick, Richard Hammond, if you braked from 125mph to 0 in that Zonda

would accelerate out of your mouth at 12.9 metres per second squared.

James! Nobody's bothered. Now, anyone here been to China?

OK, the thing is, when you're there you are often tempted to buy one of those fake watches.

Yes, because you just think, "Oh yes, that'll get everybody fooled."

Oh, it's stopped.

The thing is there's a Chinese company now called Geely

-and they have launched a fake Rolls-Royce.

-Oh, give over.

Got a picture of it here.

If there is ever any budget cuts on The Apprentice, Alan Sugar could turn up in that,

nobody would be any the wiser. It's identical!

What are these?!

It's almost like they said, what does a Rolls-Royce look like, down the phone.

Mind you, you think the overall shape is bad, you know the Flying Lady on the front.

We've got the picture here of the one that is actually on Alan Sugar's car. There it is.

Would you like to see the one on the Geely fake?

-Yep.

-Here it is.

Oh God!

They just made that out of a bit of foil at the top of a cigarette packet and twisted it into shape.

-It's got no head.

-It's terrible.

Anyway, listen, that is the news. And now we must move on.

One of the questions we are forever being asked is, which is fastest, a car or a letter?

Yeah, it's a very interesting question, so Hammond and I decided

we would race against Her Majesty's postal service.

Job number one, find ourselves a first-class set of wheels.

And this could very well do the job.

Porsche's first ever four-door saloon.

It's called the Panamera and it ought to be good

since it's taken them 61 years to get around to making it.

You said in our last series that this looks like an Austin Maxi.

Yes, I did. I'm not so sure now.

Anyway, more of the car in a minute. First though, our race.

We are currently down here in the Scilly Isles

which is the most south-westerly part of Britain.

And the finishing point is all the way up here in the middle of the very remote Orkneys.

Yes, and in a moment that man is going to pop that letter in the letter box.

Shortly after that, Postman Pat will pick it up.

And then it will be on its way to Zanzibar Bungalow, Birsay, Orkney.

Right, so basically it is our job to defend the honour of the car

against the might of the Royal Mail and everything at its disposal.

So we must get there first because, if we don't,

we are effectively saying, don't buy this Porsche, buy a stamp.

-Yeah, I'm inclined to get a wriggle on.

-Go.

I took the wheel for the first leg.

-Load it up.

-Excuse me.

-Thank you.

You're driving the next leg.

You've only driven it 200 yards.

As we hit the open sea,

our rival swung into action.

The letter would travel by helicopter to the mainland

and then onwards via four plane journeys to the Orkneys,

passing through several sorting offices along the way.

Delivery time was before noon the next day.

That must be the helicopter with the letter on it.

-Well, we've lost!

-But I haven't driven the car yet.

'In fact by the time we landed in Penzance,

'the letter had already been on the mainland for an hour and a half

'and was now at the sorting office in Truro.

'Next stop for us, the ferry at John O'Groats in Scotland.'

830 miles, go, go, go.

Let's see what its overtaking ability is like.

-Significant.

-It goes like a stabbed rat.

This particular stabbed rat is the cheapest version,

with a 4.4 litre 394 horsepower V8.

Top speed 176 miles per hour.

Price, just over £72,000.

And I know it's got some extras.

Yeah, this one has everything.

It's got leather interior, £3,000.

Wheels, 930 quid.

What, you don't get wheels normally?

Doppelkupplungsgetriebe - DPG.

That's the gearbox, yeah.

2,289 quid to you.

Sun roof, 946 quid.

Heated multi-function steering wheel, 700 quid.

And to finish off, ceramic brakes,

5,235 quid.

I've just discovered something so brilliant that you are going to get excited.

There are five dials on the dash.

-Yeah.

-Look at that.

-Sat nav.

You get the moving map in the dial. Oh, oh!

-You're not going to crash doing this?

-Yes, I am!

It does 0 to 60 in 5.4 seconds.

Slower than an M5 but that is quicker than a Quattroporte.

The Quattroporte is the car it has to beat in my book.

I know it's flawed but it is fantastically charming.

-I like that car. The ridiculousness of it.

-Yeah.

-It's wonderful.

-This is a Porsche, it won't have any ridiculousness.

No, this is German.

Now, as road testers, we're supposed to approach every new car with an open mind.

Hammond, however, was struggling.

I'm not sure I want it to be any good.

-Are you still one of these people who wants Porsche to only ever make the 911?

-Yes.

So in Hammond's Britain would everybody who wants to buy a Porsche be forced to buy a 911?

Yes. You'd walk into the shop and I'd say, "I'd like a Porsche please."

And they'd say, "Certainly sir, what colour would you like?"

-You'd allow them to choose the colour?

-Yeah.

'We overtook the letter whilst it was still

'bumbling around the sorting office and pressed home our advantage.

'But as darkness fell, it was on the move again,

'now heading to Exeter airport.

'We knew this because we'd fitted it with a tracking device.'

This is like being in a Bond movie.

Location, on the A30, 1.27 miles north west of Longdown.

-We are miles ahead.

-We are miles ahead.

Yeah, we're abeam, almost abeam Cardiff.

What does abeam mean?

-Alongside.

-Why don't you say "close to Cardiff" then?

'The other good news was that because we weren't in Vietnam or anywhere foreign,

'I had control of the catering.'

What I'm proposing is this.

A bag of crisps each.

A sickly sugar-riddled drink. And then a Jaffa Cake.

HE BURPS

Dinner gave me indigestion as did the news from the computer.

The letter is now at Exeter airport.

'Where, after a bit more sorting, it would be shooting on to a plane towards East Midlands airport.'

How long do you reckon it would take to fly there, from Exeter to East Midlands Airport?

-That's going to be...an hour?

-It can't be more than an hour and a half I wouldn't have thought.

No. Wouldn't it be great if we passed East Midlands Airport before it got there?

In fact we've got to. If we don't do that, we're stuffed. Get your toe down.

Progress was good. That is, until we hit Birmingham.

Miles and miles and miles and miles.

Meanwhile, the Royal Mail army, 160,000 strong with 30,000 vehicles

and planes at its disposal, was now really flexing its muscles.

Nobody at all doing anything whatsoever.

What have you got working on the road? Tiny mice that I can't see?

-It's taken off.

-We are doing 16 miles an hour.

It's probably doing 300.

This could cost us the race.

Since we were crawling, we pitted for fuel and a driver change.

And then mercifully the roadworks ended.

-This thing covers miles like nothing I've ever been in.

-I know.

The seats are excellent, I have to say.

No complaints whatsoever about the seats.

OK, simplest question.

-Does it feel like a Porsche?

-No.

Thus far I'd agree, no, I don't think it does.

But we have as yet only driven it on motorways and A roads.

Very true. So we can't arrive at a verdict on this car

until we've done the windy bits on the top of Scotland.

'Just after midnight, the laptop spewed out a mail update.'

The letter is at East Midlands Airport.

So at the moment we still have the lead because we were further north, just passing Warrington.

We are ahead. Well ahead.

We are, but it's going to get on another aeroplane and then it goes cracking all the way to Scotland.

It's an immense operation. This is a big car.

But it's nothing compared to the scale of the operation against which we have pitched it.

'Right now though I had a more immediate problem.

'And it was sitting in the passenger seat.'

I am going to take your mind off the journey with

some Royal Mail trivia.

Do you absolutely have to?

How many addresses do you think there are in the UK?

-That's a fairly easy one.

-12.

12 addresses?

I don't know, do I?

-28 million.

-Why is that an easy one?

Because you know there are roughly 28 million households.

-Why would I know that?

-Because everybody knows that.

-No, they don't. I don't.

How many incidents a year are there of postmen being bitten by dogs?

2,735,000.

No. 5,000. Which monarch...

How many of these do you have?

'James managed to bore me all the way up to the Lake District.

'But then he was distracted by news from the laptop.'

It is effectively overhead.

The letter is now belting ahead.

It's going to be in Edinburgh in no time.

Yes, I would guess within 25 minutes.

How can we possibly win this?

At 1.30 in the morning the roads were clear.

But when the plane touched down in Edinburgh we were still a good 80 miles behind.

It's a big centre. There's a lot of postcodes in there.

But they have got a lot of people working there, I suspect.

They obviously did because just over half an hour later,

while we were still south of Edinburgh,

the letter was in the air again.

It's cracking up to the north of Scotland at a helluva lick.

We're in a lot of trouble.

-I'm going to do some more time and distance calculations.

-Oh, good(!

HE SNEEZES Bless you. Bless you.

Bless you. Bless you.

Bless you. Bless you.

In the end, the calculation was quite simple.

By the time our letter landed at RAF Kinloss,

it had opened up a crushing lead of 115 miles.

The only good news

was that my co-driver had become mercifully quiet.

JAMES SNORES

RICHARD WHISTLES

-OK, we've lost.

-Don't be defeatist.

No. It was not the time to throw in the towel just yet

because the letter had now slowed down

as it trundled on a lorry towards Inverness Sorting Office.

By contrast, we had miles of stunning roads ahead.

Time to see if this thing drove like a Porsche.

We're going for full sport.

Feel that!

It's pelvis-shatteringly quick, this car.

And that's not all. The Panamera has almost perfect

weight distribution.

The lowest centre of gravity of any big saloon

and it's lighter than any rival except the featherweight Jag XJR.

It even has magnesium window frames to keep the lard at bay.

Put all this together and, in the corners, it was a class act.

The only thing I criticised this thing for, having no sense of drama and theatre about it, it has.

It's bonkers. It's massive.

It does things that a supercar does, only it's got four doors.

-Are you saying you like it, then?

-I'm saying I think I prefer it to an M5.

No, you see, I'd go for the Mazda. This is very good but it doesn't really move me.

However, because it's so fast, it did put us back in the game.

-We've just passed the letter because we've just gone past Inverness. Tell me I'm right.

-Yes.

-And the letter is still in the Inverness sorting office.

-So, we've taken the lead again?

This was the world's biggest game of leapfrog and, as we got closer to John O'Groats,

the letter zoomed overhead, bound for the Orkneys.

-This is ridiculous, even trying to catch it.

-Let's try anyway.

Good news, it's not going like the clappers any more.

The bad news is, that means it's landed, it's in Kirkwall.

It's on Orkney.

We now had less than two hours before the letter got sorted

and postie would be on his rounds, heading for Zanzibar bungalow.

-I'm sorry, but we've blown it.

-He could fall off his bike!

-It's arithmetic.

-I don't want him to fall off his bike.

Obviously that's a terrible thing to happen but if he did, we'd win.

If by some fluke, we beat the letter to Zanzibar Cottage our conclusion would have to be

the postal system in Britain is absolutely brilliant

everywhere except on the Orkneys.

Or, if you need to post a letter, you could do it the old-fashioned way

and buy a 39p stamp and let somebody else do it,

or spend £90,000 on a Porsche,

drive yourself, overnight, 870 miles, and deliver it by hand.

So it's not cheap.

But it's making sure.

There's the ferry!

The boat journey would take an agonising 45 minutes.

And that wasn't the only bad news.

It says here the signal's been lost. Is that because we're at sea?

It might be. But more importantly I've got a text here

saying the tracker has been switched off by the office,

so we don't know where the letter is.

-It keeps the tension up. Keeps us going.

-It means we've lost, doesn't it?

-You don't know that!

By the time we landed it was almost 11 o'clock,

so we knew that postie would be on his rounds.

-Go, go, go, go!

-'It was us in a V8 Porsche against a man in a Vauxhall Combo van.'

This is an annoying time to be stuck behind a lorry.

Extremely.

-Do you see any red vans?

-No.

Can you stop driving like such an arse? It's not going to make any difference.

I'm driving quickly - that will make a difference in a race.

Birsay. That was it. It's right up here.

It's half 11.

The stress is killing me.

Right, that's it there.

This is it.

If it's there, it'll be on the mat.

Ha-ha-ha!

Let's just check inside.

-That means we just have to sit here and wait.

-Aaah! There's an envelope.

That's Truro, 21.05, that's it, we've lost.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Hang on!

What you're saying is, if you want to get something to the top of Scotland, buy a stamp.

Yes.

I have to say, the Queen's head is better looking than this.

-Actually, I don't think it's that bad.

-Hammond! All Porsches are ugly.

This looks like a mangled ape.

-Look at it.

-It'll grow on you.

When will it grow on me?

N-n-no, it hasn't, and it never will, James, it never will.

So I tell you what we're all going to do now. We're going to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight has got three Olympic gold medals.

And unlike the Stig, he didn't steal them after a full-on fist fight with Sebastian Coe.

Ladies and gentlemen, Usain Bolt!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How are you?

-OK.

Usain Bolt! Have a seat.

That is an honour. Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you so much.

How many times have you watched your 100-metre gold medal run in China?

-Ah, a lot.

-A lot?

-Yeah, a lot.

-9 point

-..69.

-9.69 seconds.

What's interesting about that,

there's a still photograph that I found of you crossing the line.

Can we just have a look at this?

Just put this up? Watch this.

You set a world record with your shoelace undone.

-I don't know what happened there.

-Well, I do, it just came undone.

-It's the speed, it's the speed.

-And 100 metres, from an early age, wasn't even your speciality?

No, it wasn't, actually. Mainly the 200 metres

-was my speciality, and I do the 400 metres, but I hate the 400 metres.

-I hate running 400 metres!

-I'd hate running to there! What's the matter with the 400 metres?

-The training is so hard.

It's really intense.

Because it's a long distance, and you get something called lactic acid, you probably wouldn't know!

He's right! He's right!

APPLAUSE

Let me tell you something, Bolt - fat men are harder to kidnap.

Actually, what was the last 100 metres you ran?

-9.86.

-9.86. Cos when I was about 17, I used to do 12 seconds.

I'm only really 2.3 seconds slower than the fastest man in the world.

That's nothing! I must be, what,

the fifth fastest guy in the world!

I was coming here today and I was looking through a magazine,

and I came across something interesting.

The sexiest men.

100 sexiest men. And you're, like, what, 87?

-And you're not looking so sexy!

-87?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

87th!

And, in 97th place...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Richard Hammond's not in it!

But nor are you!

I'm just... I can't do this.

If I come in there, then there's going to be nobody else

-on that page!

-Can you just give me an idea of

your training regime in order to be able to break world records?

For me, I train, like, six times a week, three hours a day.

-Only three?

-Yeah. Don't let the three hours fool you - it's very intense work!

Forgive me for saying this, but there's a quote, a direct quote

from you. This was, I think, the day of your 100 metres gold medal.

You know what I'm going to say!

It said, "I didn't have breakfast, woke up at 11.00,

"sat around watching TV, then had some chicken nuggets..."

Oh, no, it gets better! "Slept for two hours, then went back and got some more nuggets."

Is that for real? Was that...?

The reason why I did that, actually, was because I didn't trust the food, really.

In China.

I was saying, "I want to make sure I eat something I know."

So I got nuggets!

I'm sure about nuggets!

OK, your cars.

I've really got to go on to your cars.

First of all, do your management people - I guess you must have them -

-do they try to keep you out of fast cars?

-Yes, they do.

They do? Because you might...?

-Crash them or something.

-So how come you had an M3?

My sponsors, actually, when I won at the Olympics,

my sponsors, Puma, they said, "What do you want?"

And I said an M3, because I really wanted one.

And they bought it for me.

They bought you an M3? Are they mad?!

-And what happened to it?

-Uh...I write it off!

It was not a pretty sight.

I'm really embarrassed to tell you this -

we've got a photograph.

Who'd like to see the photo?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Let's have a look.

AUDIENCE GASPS

-Has this been rolled?

-Yeah. Three times, actually.

-Were you OK?

-Yeah!

I was good. The only problem I had,

when I came out, I was barefoot, and I got sticked by prickles, actually.

-Prickles? What, thorns?

-Yeah. That was the only problem I had, actually!

Now, when we discovered you were going to be able to come on, you said you were going to be fast

on our track. Is this just a competitive thing, or do you really think that you're a quick man?

I... I think?!

I proved that I am a quick man, but if I'm the fastest man in the world,

I need to show the people that I am a fast driver also.

Who would like to see Usain's lap?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Let's have a look!

Run the tape.

'It's a nice start.'

Focus! Eyes on the prize, let's go!

'That's nice and aggressive. I am liking the first corner.

'Yes, tidy!'

Think Michael Schumacher!

'Michael Schumacher wouldn't do this! Well, he didn't do this - he got lost.'

They don't call me Bolt of Lightning for nothing!

'Hammerhead - obviously, you've got to concentrate here.

-'Did you do much training for this?'

-'No.'

-'Nah.'

This car sucks!

'Here we go.

'I presume you were flat through there.'

I love you, come on. I love you!

'Yes!'

Just keeping doing it that way, keep doing that for me. Keep doing it that way.

'That's... I am loving that, that's fantastic!

'And this one...

'Nearly got the back wheel off the ground! That's impressive! And there we are!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm wondering, will you be the fastest Jamaican we've ever had?

I'm guessing you will be!

Well, I've got the time here.

He's leaning forwards, look!

What you're supposed to do now is this - "Hell, I'm not bothered!"

-But you are!

-Yeah!

Usain Bolt, you did it...

What are we looking at up at the top there? Anything faster than 1:48 is obviously quite good. You did it...

..1 minute...

..46.5.

You are very near the top!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, mate. Now... A-ha...

The thing is, how much do you weigh?

In pounds I weigh 210.

210lb? Now, the power - the weight, rather - makes a huge difference in that car.

That's why Lawrence Dallaglio, a rugby player, he was hugely quick,

but he did a 1:47.4 because he weighs about 17 stone.

The Stig tells me, if you'd have been a little man,

Jay Kay-sized, Simon Cowell, you would have been right at the top.

It's only the weight that's getting you down.

Get yourself on a diet...!

We'd love to have you back. Ladies and gentlemen, Usain Bolt!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, as I'm sure you all know, the popular playground game British Bulldogs

has been banned in most schools because people in safety glasses say it's too dangerous.

But, children, what if you were to play it with cars?

Yep. Specifically, could you get five miles from one side of a tank-proving ground in Dorset

to the other while a team from the British Army tries to stop you?

'This is the playing field we'd selected.'

'And this is the car I'd be using.

'An eight-year-old £8,000 Mitsubishi Evo VII which had been modified by a previous owner.

'On the downside, he'd removed the airbag.

'But on the upside, he'd uprated the suspension, toughened the brakes

'and fitted variable boost control to the engine.'

I've got the boost turned all the way up,

so it's producing 500 brake horsepower. 500!

Top speed is the same as before, it's limited to 155.

But it now does

nought to 60 in 3.2 seconds. 3.2!

Of course, because it was born in the world of

rallying and has four-wheel drive, it can do this kind of speed

whether it's on Tarmac, ice, snow, gravel,

or, indeed, the scrubland of Dorset.

Here, it just comes alive. Turn it,

feel the back end step out! Plant the power!

It's telepathically brilliant.

'But then it would need to be, because I was going up against this lot.'

I thought they'd just have a load of crummy Land Rovers

that would fall over every time they went round a corner.

'Nevertheless, I was still feeling confident.'

Do you know what an Evo is?

Yes. Car, white. Good on the roads.

But you're going to struggle round here!

-Rally tyres.

-Have you seen ours?

It's 500 horsepower, this thing.

Have you got 500 horsepower?

-1500.

-1500? I have pencil sharpeners with more than that.

-When you've bottomed out in that hole over there...

-Yeah?

..and your car's in bits,

then we'll see who's laughing.

I love your enthusiasm.

I like hope. Hope propels a man. Keep that hope

-until you find me at the finish line, the other side, having made it.

-We'll see.

'The spearhead of their miserable and pointless attack would be the Jackal.

'Designed in a shed in Devon and now used by even

'the American special forces, it has a 5.9 litre diesel engine.

'So it will do 90 miles an hour...

'..everywhere.

'It's clever, too. The petrol tank is covered in a skin that forms a new layer over bullet holes.

'And the undersides are designed to deflect explosions away from the people on top.'

The idea is that this fast, nimble, go-up-anything vehicle will herd me towards this, the Mastiff,

which apparently is designed not to look frightening in a war designed to win hearts and minds.

Whatever. And then, waiting to pounce will be this... which is a Fiat van.

'The Panther. Even though it's built by the same company that makes the Panda,

'it costs just shy of half a million pounds.'

The reason why it's so expensive is that it does come with an awful lot of warning stickers.

'And a television.'

Look at this!

Full 360-degree traverse. Accurate to at least 1,000 metres.

I've got to get one of these for my car!

Look at that! That's something you won't be seeing, it would just be, "Boom!" A blur.

-Anyway, thanks, chaps.

-No problem.

Best of luck with your ice-cream van with a gun on it.

'This is what scares me the most.

'It's called the Trojan, and because it's part tank, part bulldozer,

'it's the king of wherever it damn well wants to go.'

Now, you're probably thinking this is all very jolly, but how are they actually going to bring me down?

Strong words? Rude gestures? This is Top Gear -

we don't mess about. They're going to be using their guns.

And they won't be firing blanks either. As a measure of my confidence,

the ammunition they're loading is live.

Right, active diff on...gravel.

I've just found a packet of these in the centre console!

So the previous owner, he liked to be safe in bed, but he disconnected his airbag!

I hope I haven't been ambitious with this live-fire thing.

I promised my wife we'd go out for dinner, and that'll be difficult if I'm full of holes.

Here we go!

'Right. Five miles to the finish, and I needed to build up an early lead.'

Agh!

Oh, sh...!

That was close.

Agh!

There's the reminder I'm not going fast enough!

Doing 70 miles an hour, and that damn thing is right up my trumpet!

'But then the Evo girded its loins.'

Oh, there's the turbo boost!

Live with this!

The good thing is, at this speed, he can't fire his gun.

Not without shooting every rambler in Dorset.

This is just fantastic.

Condom man may be a bit peculiar,

but God, he knew how to set up a car!

That is a big lead now.

Come on, come on, come on.

Oh, my God.

How am I going to get over that? Hide, hide. When in doubt, go into sleep mode.

There's one there.

They can't see me!

It looks like they've got themselves a Titan.

Basically, a Challenger tank with the turret removed and the machine on top.

It can span a 24-metre gorge in 90 seconds.

So he's building that so they can get from one side of the playing field to the other.

So he won't be expecting this.

Here we go! It's a beautiful bridge!

Go, go, go!

'I was now halfway to the finish.

'But they were back on my tail.'

This is a much more exciting way of playing British Bulldogs. Oh, my God!

Agh!

'And on this rough part of the playing field, I couldn't use the boost to pull away.'

I'm being herded! I'm being herded by a Jackal!

That's a bad noise!

Through the trees, hide. The trees are bulletproof, in my mind.

He's up there! He's got the high ground!

Oh, God, help!

Right, time to go.

'Lady Luck then put a minefield between me and them.'

SOLDIERS COMMUNICATE VIA RADIO

One zero now in position, out.

What are they doing?

'They were sending in the Trojan to clear the mines.'

It just goes straight through!

You see that Jag there? It's the last person to play British Bulldogs with the Army. Poor car.

Run away, run away!

I'm starting to think I might not win this.

Now, wait, wait.

This is perfect. I'm coming up behind the Trojan.

Oh!

What I'm doing now is genius.

I'm using the Trojan as a shield.

And even if they do see me, there's nothing they can do about it because the gun is on the other side.

What's that noise? What are you doing? What are you doing?!

Stop it, you're spoiling it!

'Eventually, he did put me down, but the car was a wreck.

'And that, it seemed, was that.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lots of hand grenades.

Woah, woah. Hold on.

-You lost.

-That's because I was up against this lot and a 60-ton tank. You were up against a letter.

LAUGHTER

-Can I just ask about the car?

-Yeah.

-It was ruined.

-Yes, it was, but there's a very good reason for that.

You see, the thing is, that car used to belong to a drug dealer.

And the judge who banged him up said his car had to be destroyed, OK?

And I thought, rather than let the police put it in a crusher,

why don't I give it a heroic fighting chance?

-So the bloke who used to own that car...

-Yeah, condom man.

-Yeah, him.

He was watching that, probably in his prison cell, on the telly, thinking, "That's my car!"

-Yep. And it gets worse.

-How can it get worse?

Because it was only damaged.

There's one and a half miles still to go.

The game's still on!

Not brilliant, if I'm honest. Quite dusty, a lot of pollen. A lot of pollen.

Come on! Now I'm no longer bulletproof!

Come on, come on!

Charlie, Charlie, one plus, to your front, white Evo,

600 metres, rapid fire.

They're shooting again! They're shooting hard now!

I'm taking hits! I'm taking a lot of hits!

Oh, my God.

Stop shooting! Stop it!

'But they didn't.'

'And soon, they'd taken out the engine and the on-board camera.'

You've set fire to Dorset with your tracers!

Stop it!

'Then their tracer rounds set fire to the car as well.'

We'll call it a draw!

'They seemed happy with that.

'Unlike, I suspect, the man whose car it, er, was.'

APPLAUSE

At least it works!

That could catch on.

-Headmasters everywhere...

-Playgrounds all over the country.

That's all you need.

You really weren't joking. These are real bullets.

-Oh, yeah.

-Hundreds of them.

-I said it was live fire.

-And they all missed you!

-Yes!

-Is this a 50 cal exit wound here?

-Where?

-Here.

Oh, yes. That one - we've worked it out - it went in here, OK?

It went through the chassis, through the petrol tank - I'm not joking -

it went out there, then it went all the way across Dorset, Devon, Cornwall,

and do you remember that postbox in the Scilly Isles?

It actually hit that. You know the 50 cal?

This is the air-conditioning matrix we rescued from the burning wreck.

This is a normal bullet hole.

That is a 50 cal bullet hole.

-Do you know what?

-What?

-I find this a little bit depressing.

Because it was the bloke who dealt drugs - it wasn't his car, was it?

I know what you mean. But it is going to catch on.

I'm afraid next week we are going to find a benefit cheat and fling his microwave off Beachy Head.

-Yeah. We are the enforcers!

-We are!

And on that bombshell, it's time to end. Good night, see you soon!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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