Riotous comedy in which a lawyer gives his thirtysomething friends an opportunity to recapture their college years when he relocates to a local university.
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This film contains very strong language.
Real estate query engine
is a virtual Rubicon of information, putting the lawyer himself....
I'm going to take off, OK? I want to try and catch the two o'clock back.
You're leaving? Yeah. What about intermission?
I don't think you can do that. Just cover for me, OK? Get it all.
I guess. Hey, listen, can we have your badge?
Oh, yeah! Yeah! It's worth two free drinks at the meet and greet.
I'm going to the airport. I'm kind of in a hurry, too.
Er, sorry, your seat belt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?
I recommend you stop being such a faggot.
You're in the back seat.
# Now I've got a bone to pick with you... #
# Oh, one day
# When you're looking back
# You were young
# And, man, you were sad
# When you're young, you get sad
# When you're young
# You get sa-ad
# And you get high
# Oh, man... #
METAL DETECTOR BEEPS
# Lord, I got high
# Now you got a bone to pick with me
# But I wish you'd let me be
# Oh, one day
# When you're looking back
# You were young
# And, man, you were sad
# When you're young, you get sad
# When you're young
# You get sad
# And you get high
# Oh, man
# Oh, man. #
Hey, boy! Good boy, Orson.
Mitch! What are you doing home?
You totally scared me! I scared you?! For a second there, I thought that...
I don't even want to say it.
That's like, er, pretty hard-core.
Yeah, I know. No! No! I'm not judging.
Don't be embarrassed. This is a major turn-on.
Let's go with this. Is this what you do when I'm gone? Wait!
I do it myself every once in a while, but to magazines.
Mitch, we need to talk!
Be honest, please tell me this is the first time this has happened.
Do you want me to be honest
or do you want me to tell you it's the first time?
Jesus! What is wrong with you? Nothing is wrong with me!
I tried to tell you about this. What?! When?!
All the time! Like, like when?
Like when we're in bed and stuff. In bed?
I thought you were just talking dirty.
Well, I was. But I was being serious.
You said some really sick stuff. Admit it,
we haven't exactly been living the most exciting lives in the world!
This is a totally different kind of satisfaction for me.
It's purely sexual! Whoo!
I'm really sorry!
I'm here for the gangbang.
You look a little pale, Mitch. You need to breathe.
I don't wanna breathe.
You should be proud of yourself. Do you have any idea how hard it is
to land a girl who's as sexually enlightened as Heidi?
I wasn't looking for a girl like that.
Columbus wasn't looking for America, my man,
but that worked out for everybody.
I just want to thank you guys one last time for being here.
It's the best day ever. Don't even start with me, Frank.
You need to walk away ASAP. What?!
You need to get out, Frankie.
MUSIC: "The Bridal Chorus" By Wagner
It's now or never. Get out while you're still single.
I'm not single. She's 30 yards away. You're single right now.
Marissa's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Once you give that six months, you don't think that's going to change?
I got a wife, kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you?
There's my wife. See that?
Hi, honey. Judging, watching. "Look at the baby."
She's coming, Beanie. Let it go.
All right, I'm going to be the first to say congratulations to you, then.
You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart.
Don't listen to him. I need my inhaler.
Thank you, Daddy.
It takes a man to give away an angel.
You look beautiful. Great! HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together
to join Franklyn...
HE COUGHS: Don't do it!
My throat's dry. I'm sorry. I'm a smoker.
# Turn around Every now and then
# I get a little bit lonely
# And you're never coming round
# Turn around Every now and then
# I get a little bit tired
# Of listening to the sound of my tears
# Turn around Every now and then
# I get a little bit nervous
# That the best of all the years have gone by
# Turn around Every now and then
# I get a little bit terrified
# I see the fucking look in your eye
# Turn around, bright eyes
# Every now and then I fall apart
# Turn around, bright eyes
# Fucking every now and then I fall apart
# And I need you now tonight
# I fucking need you more than ever Than ever... #
SINGS SOFTLY: # Look in your eye
# And then I fall apart I need you more... #
This is crazy! I-I can't believe it's you!
What are you doing here? I was invited.
Yeah... Er, the last time that I had heard,
you had, er, moved to,
what do you call it? Denver.
Ah, the Sunshine State. Unb...
Denver! Gorgeous! Gorgeous!
Are you OK? No.
No, I'm, er... Or, yeah. I just, er...
I feel a little...(fucked up.)
Yeah. Marissa told me about your girlfriend. I'm very sorry.
The thing about that one is that it's not just that. Mm-hm.
It's a combination of things.
Er, we had a dog, we had a great place.
But all just... HE WHISTLES
You know what? You should have some of this.
What's in this one? Coffee.
Ow! Shit! Jesus!
I... Ow! I am so sorry!
Don't touch. Mitch, really. I can fix it.
What are you doing to this poor girl? Stop it. I got it.
I got it. No. Inappropriate.
Sweetie, there's a bathroom... Yes.
Mitch, honey. Hon. Yeah?
Why don't you get some air? No! Wait a second.
Yeah? Put in a good word for me.
# Yodel-lay, yodel-lay-hee-hoo
# Clear and lovely
# You're my
# Lady. #
You're the lady, Marissa! Marissa, you're the lady.
Can't hear you! ..glad and...
Excuse me. I'd like to say I'm really glad and proud to be here tonight.
I'm glad Frank's dad made it out. That's awesome.
I haven't seen him in eight years. Congratulations. I love you, Dad!
True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love,
and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego
and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom,
blindfolded, like a goddamn magic show,
ready to double-team your girlfriend, and it stops... It stops right there!
I think what my friend is trying to say is that true love is blind.
Let's raise our glasses.
Salut. Health and happiness. Cheers, everybody.
I love you so much, Frankie. I love you!
I'm not a talker. I'm not a talker! I love you, man! Congratulations.
This is practically on campus! It's sick!
This is great! How'd you land this place?
It was pretty easy, actually.
A professor lived here for 30 years, and then...he died. That's awesome!
That's awesome. Come on.
Hey, er, a little house-warming. To new beginnings!
I gave this to you for your wedding.
This model? Er, no.
This exact one. Yeah.
I'm sorry. I'm embarrassed. I'm sorry.
It's OK. I hope you like it.
I love it. Thank you.
This place is unbelievable. You like it?
I don't know why you're still depressed.
It's the best thing that's happened to us. Us?
Yeah, us. Do not get selfish on me. Stay with me.
You put as bar in over there. Right?
You could put a hot tub almost anywhere.
Max, can you earmuff it for me?
We are going to get so much ass. I'm talking, like, crazy boy-band ass.
That sounds like fun, but I need time to get my life back together.
What we need to do is throw a big kick-ass party. Absolutely. Break it in. Meet the neighbours.
Come on. Know what I'm talking about? Ow. Stop it. Break it in.
The real-estate guy was adamant...
I don't think you realise what a huge opportunity this is for you.
Girls love guys in your situation. Uh-huh.
What situation? Mitch, you're on the rebound.
You're an injured fawn who's being re-released back into the wild.
BABY CRIES Sorry. Be careful.
Sorry. Don't say it to me. Say it to the baby.
OK. I'm sorry. It's OK. It's OK.
Please... I think we should go tropical.
Uh-huh. Sand from wall-to-wall. I know a great sand guy...
Sand, in here?! Foam! Whatever! ..You understand what I'm talking about?
Absolutely. Good. I just need to run it by Marissa.
I'm messing with you guys! Not funny.
It's a joke. Now the baby's upset.
# And here I go again on my own
# Going down the only road I've ever known... #
# Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone... #
HEY! Oh, hey, honey!
I've brought you an iced tea! Oh, no, thanks. I got a fresh beer.
Can you turn that off for a second?!
Wow. That's really...loud.
Yeah, thanks. I took the restrictor plate off.
Give the red dragon a little more juice. Keep that on the down low.
This is not exactly street-legal. Hey, Mike!
Right. So, what's up?
I was hoping we might get to those thank-you notes tomorrow night.
Honey, I got Mitch's thing tomorrow night.
Oh, that's right! I totally forgot.
I can skip it. Oh...no. No!
Don't be silly. I mean, I wouldn't want you changing your whole...
life just for me! Er...
I'll give Lara a call. We'll plan a girl's night.
Thanks. You're the best.
Just as long as you promise to take it easy.
What do you mean? You know exactly what I mean.
You've come a long way since Frank The Tank. We don't want him back!
Honey, Frank The Tank is not coming back.
That part of me is over.
It's water under the bridge. I promise.
LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
CHEERING AND LAUGHING
It's incredible. How did you do this? With all the people and the speakers!
I thought we were having a small get-together.
This IS a small get-together. That's why you've got the house, brother.
You're having fun, right? I'm having a great time! Honestly?
Great time! Good. What else have you got planned,
like, a student band or something?
Yeah. That's it. I've got a student alt-rock band coming on stage next.
I'm worth $3? million that the government knows about.
I got more electronics than a Kiss concert.
You think I'd roll out the red carpet for a fucking marching band?
Make sure you can see the stage.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
I just want to get through there... if you don't mind. Thank you.
This is the guy! This is his house! What's up, man!
No! That's my friend Mitch! You're mistaking... Mitch owns the house.
Oh, OK. Yeah. Anyway, you need to hit this.
Yeah! I appreciate it, but I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight.
Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. But you guys have a great time.
A big day?! Doing what?
Well, actually, a pretty nice little Saturday.
We're going to go to Home Depot,
buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring.
Maybe Bed, Bath And Beyond. I don't know if we'll have time...
You know what, give me that thing! I'll do one.
He's gonna do one!
Oh! That's a talented man right here!
Whoo! That's what I'm talking about!
Fill her up again!
So good! Once it hits your lips, it's so good!
Thanks, guys. This'll be happening here all year.
Don't burn yourselves out tonight. I want to thank you for coming
to the official Mitch Martin Freedom Festival.
For those who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful,
very disease-free gentleman standing by the mini-bar.
Now, courtesy of Speaker City,
which are slashing prices on everything
from beepers to DVD players,
give a warm Harrison University welcome
to my pal, and your favourite,
Mr Snoop Dogg!
# Yeah, yeah
# You know what?
# I'm thinking of a master plan
# Cos ain't nothing but sweat inside my hand
# So I dig into my pockets
# All my money is spent
# So I dig deeper but still coming up with lint
# So I start my mission Leave my residence
# I'm thinking, How can I get some dead presidents? #
THEY ALL CHEER
THEY CHANT: Frank The Tank! Frank The Tank!
You know it! You know it!
ALL CHEER WILDLY
# A pen and a paper a stereo, a tape
# Of me and Warren G And a big fat plate of chicken wings
# Cos that's my favourite thing... #
Hey, you're that guy! What?
Mitch-A-Palooza from the poster. Oh, yeah. That's me.
This party is great. Nice work!
Well, my friends, they put it on for me.
They're kind of re-releasing me into the wild.
What?! What are you talking about? Nothing. Sorry.
# Time to have some fame
# What you need is some game
# Say what? Say what?
# To get your paper made
# Say what? Say what? Oh, babe
# Yeah, yeah
# In the world of paper, paper Check me out, y'all
# Did somebody say make money, money,
# Make money, money, money
# Make money, money, make money, money, money
# Say make money, make money, money, money
# Make money, money, make money, money, money... #
Take money, money... We're going streaking! Yeah!
I'm sorry... Sorry.
We're going streaking through the quad and into the gymnasium.
Come on, everybody! Come on, Snoop!
No! It's cool! It's cool! I'm cool! Bring your green hat.
Let's go. Come on, everybody. We're going! Here we go.
Man! Man! Man, put the music back on.
Let's get the party back! THEY CHEER
Oh, tell her! Tell her! Marissa, I totally forgot!
It's a little belated, but we got you the perfect wedding present.
I told you, you don't have to get me anything.
Our friend Ashley had this guy come over and teach a blow-job class.
Oh! It was incredible.
Yeah. A class? He's really good so we had to book him way in advance.
Why should I go to a class? Bernard should go to a class. I swear, the man is orally challenged.
Wait a second. Is that guy...?
Whoo! Whoo! Oh...my God!
Wh...? That's disgusting!
Why am I looking at that?!
Wait. Why are you slowing down? Just drive!
Frank?! No way!
Frank! Hey, honey! Hey!
What the hell are you doing?! We're streaking.
We're going up through the quad to the gymnasium.
Who's streaking? There's...
There's more coming. Frank, get in the car!
Everybody's doing it. Now! OK.
Whoa! Scoot over.
Ah! Hey! Hey, ladies. Hey.
Hey, Frank! Hey. Looks like it's a little cold out there!
Honey, do you think KFC's still open?
ALARM CLOCK BUZZES
Oh! Oh, shit!
Now that was a party. Mmm.
Since when are you so shy?
No, I'm not. I just, er...
Did I snore last night? Sometimes I snore when I'm drunk.
I-I don't remember. I-I don't think so.
Erm, listen, about last night... I-I...
I just got out of a very serious
and traumatic relationship and I...
I'm kind of in a weird place right now.
What? Relax, Rich, it's not a big deal.
Mitch...with an M.
Right. Erm, look...
Whatever. We were just having a little fun.
You have nothing to worry about.
N-No. Yeah, you're right. I-I'm OK with it.
I just... Yeah! It's casual.
I gotta go to class, so...
So, how do we do this? Shall I...? Do I?
Do you want to leave me your number or...? You don't even have to worry.
See you around.
I love you.
"At Speaker City, we've slashed prices on everything."
Come on. "Our staff will educate you
"on a wide selection of home-theatre equipment and accessories."
"Show us a competitor's price.
"We'll beat it, or I'll give you the keys to the store."
HE MUMBLES "The only thing that sounds better than our speakers
are our prices." Prices!
What do you think? Honestly? Shoot me straight.
Really good. You look great.
Really? Yeah. Yeah.
It kinda went a little bit just... It got crazy last night.
Yeah. I mean, I still haven't heard from Frank.
I don't know where he... Hello!
Yeah. Come on in. Jesus!
Is this one of your guys? Your fire hazard's over here.
What are you doing, man?
Wow! Cheese! Is that you?
Hello, Mitch. Bernard. I see you guys haven't changed much.
(Who is this?) Beanie, you remember Cheese - Rodney's kid brother?
Actually, my name isn't Cheese. It's Gordon Pritchard. Oh, yeah!
Didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time? I got out.
Cool, man. I'm glad you did.
You fellas have a good time last night?
There might be some whippets around if you want 'em!
No, thanks. I'm working. Working what? Campus patrol?!
Hmm. Try again. Are you a Jehovah's Witness?
I'm the dean! Dean Pritchard.
Yeah. And as of this morning, this house has been re-zoned.
Yeah. It is now exclusively for campus use only.
You can't just do that! I've already paid the first and last month's rent.
Take a look at that. You have a week to vacate the premises.
Thank you for your co-operation. Great.
Can I ask you a question? Absolutely not.
It's been good seeing you guys. It looks like you're doing great.
Frank, this is a safe place,
a place where we can feel free sharing our feelings.
Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding.
We can say anything here. Anything?
It's OK, honey. That's why we came.
I guess, deep down, I'm feeling a little confused.
you get married and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy!
I don't feel different.
I mean, take yesterday, for example.
We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner...which was lovely,
and I happened to look over at a certain point during the meal
and see a waitress taking an order, and...
And I found myself wondering, er,
what colour her underpants might be.
Her panties. Er...
Odds are they're probably basic white cotton underpants.
But I started thinking, "Maybe... Maybe they're silk panties.
"Maybe it's... Maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's, er...
"Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about."
And, er, I started feeling... Huh!
What? I thought we were in the trust tree...in the nest. Are we not?!
We are. OK. We are. It's OK. Mm.
Mm-hm. It's OK. It's OK. Please, continue.
I-I don't know where I was going with that. I...
What I'm trying to say is that, now that I'm married,
I'm definitely feeling a little freaked out
about the fact that I'm gonna have sex with only one person...
..for the rest of my life.
Walsh tells me your San Diego trip was a blast.
Oh, yeah! How was Hooters?
I actually didn't go to Hooters. Oh, yeah! Right.
Skittles? No, thanks.
Listen, I got a call from Annetti.
He tells me that your Sunshine Square proposal is totally fucked.
What's wrong with it? For one thing, it violates the zoning restrictions
set forth in the National Historical Preservation Act of 1966,
most notably, clause four.
Shall I continue? I'm familiar with that idea...
Honey! Hi, Dad! Am I interrupting? No!
I don't think you've met my daughter. Darcie, Mitch Martin.
Hi. Nice to meet you, Mitch. Hi. Nice to meet you.
How was the slumber party? Great. You know, movies and popcorn.
Mmn. She's an angel.
It makes me sound old, but I can't believe how fast she's growing up!
Dad! Stop! Sorry, honey, but it's true. To think that in seven months,
you'll be graduating from high school! Dad!
I thought you said high school. Yeah.
Shocking, isn't it? Yes, it is.
Give me a break! Hey, Mitch!
Hey, man. Hey.
Did you have a good day? Not too bad. Yeah.
What's going on? Oh, I just thought maybe
I could crash here tonight, if that's all right.
Marissa's going through some personal stuff and... Mm-hm.
Personal stuff like you running through the neighbourhood drunk and naked?
and some other stuff. Yeah.
No problem. OK. Make yourself at home. Thanks.
Gentlemen, we're discussing a brand-new way to look at a fraternity.
You need to forget about all the normal rules
that apply to college and society.
This is a very big idea, my friends.
We are talking about a non-exclusive egalitarian brotherhood
where community status and, more importantly, age
have no bearing whatsoever.
Yes - the guy who probably won't get in. I go to school here and... OK.
What sort of association will you have with the actual university?
Who are these people? I don't know!
Legally speaking, there'll be a loose affiliation,
but we will give nothing back to the academic community,
as well as provide no public service of any kind.
Beanie, what's going on here? Guys,
this is a very special occasion.
The Godfather himself is kind enough
to grace us with his presence. ALL: Yeah!
This is his house! He lives here! He speaks 20 feet away!
That's for you. We need to talk. Kitchen.
Sit good for me. I want to talk to Uncle Mitch.
There you go.
How long have these people been here? All day.
That party we had has given us all kinds of street cred. What?!
Mitch, this is called rush. We're officially starting a fraternity.
I like it! It's genius. You've got to be kidding!
This house is zoned specifically for social services and student housing.
A fraternity solves both. Right? Mmn-hmn.
But this is my house! I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old.
We're not at college. I understand! It makes no sense!
You're focused on all the wrong sort of details.
Did you have a good time last night? I had an awesome time!
I know that you had an awesome time. I think the entire town knows.
I'm trying to ask Mitch if he had an awesome time.
I had a good time. Wouldn't you want those good times to keep going?
God! More good... I mean...
I don't understand why it's so hard for you to admit that you want this.
40 guys out there want this.
Look, I appreciate your enthusiasm. I know you guys are trying to help,
but the truth of the matter is,
I've had a hell of a day, an even worse month,
and the fact is I got 40 strangers out in my living room,
and all I want to do is get some fucking sleep!
I'm sorry, but we're not starting a fraternity.
I don't know why you've got to do it in front of my kid, with the effing.
All you have to do is say earmuffs. Earmuffs. You can say fuck! Shit!
Cock! Balls! I'm just proving a point. You don't have to celebrate it. I'm sorry.
You let down Frank. You let down me. You let down Max, most importantly.
I'm having a hard time figuring out why I take time out of my schedule
to help you get over... Earmuffs. ..that whore you dated.
I'm going to go out, see the others. Uncle Mitch is sorry.
Say yes. Yes.
All right, here's the deal. Listen up! Altogether, we pick 14 pledges.
Wait, who's this guy?! Oh, that's Blue.
Yeah. He's an old navy vet who hangs around my store. He's legit.
He looks like he's 100 years old. He wants to pledge?! Are you kidding me?
The old man river won't shut up about it. Show time!
MUSIC: "Master Of Puppets" by Metallica
Don't make this any harder on yourself!
What's going on? You tell anyone about this, I'll fucking kill you.
Oh! We'll have him back by tonight. OK, sweetheart?
Let's go. Nice and easy. There we go.
Congratulations, gentleman. You should be very proud of yourselves.
Each and every one of you has been hand-picked
to represent our inaugural pledge class.
Over the next 21 days,
you're all going to experience intense mental
and physical strain.
Frank, just pace yourself. Copy that.
I got a little overexcited. Sorry.
At this point, you may be asking yourself,
"Why am I holding this 30lb cinder block in my hands?"
You might also ask yourself,
"Why does this cinder block
"have a long piece of string tied to it?"
Why is the other end of this string tied securely
to your penis?
And the answer, ladies, is trust.
This is your first test.
Spanish, do you trust that we've provided you with enough slack
so your block will land safely on the lawn? Sir, yes, sir!
Blue... Yes, sir? Do you trust that I do not want to see you die here?
Sir, yes, sir! Blue, you're my boy! Thank you, sir.
Step to the edge!
Pledges, prepare for release!
It wasn't meant to happen like that!
Walk it off, big guy.
THEY CHANT # One, two, three, four
# One, two, three, four
# I've been laid more times than God
# Frat sex is a creme broulade
# One, two, three, four
# I don't know, but it's been said
# One more laugh and I'll be dead... #
Faster! CHANTING CONTINUES
Jesus! Who are these people?!
Get security. We have an illegal off-road vehicle
operating without a permit.
'They've already been called, sir.' Er, call them again.
You know, it's been two weeks.
How are these guys still a fraternity?
They're not, sir. They've just been approved for temporary status.
Half these guys don't even go to the school! One guy, he's like 90!
That doesn't matter. They found a loophole.
A loophole? Yes. Well, it's interesting, sir.
As stupid as they appear, they're actually very good at paperwork!
It's quite an anomaly! Is that funny?
Are you a comic? Is that what you do now?
This is me leaving. This is me leaving.
There he is! What's going on, brother?
Nothing. I'm just making some copies.
Mm-hm? See you later.
Hey, Mitch, hang on a second.
I heard you guys are starting up a fraternity. Who told you that?!
Nobody. Is it true? I don't know what you're talking about.
Right(!) Well, it sounds cool, man. I want in.
Listen to me, there is no fraternity!
I don't know what you're talking about. You listen!
I need this, OK? My wife, my job, my kids...
Every day is exactly the same.
Oh, I go golfing on Sundays, but I hate golf!
Don't blackball me, Mitch, please!
I'm not blackballing you. We work together, Walsh,
and I don't want to mix work with whatever it is I do at home.
And trust me, you're not missing anything, anyways. Really?
Heard you hooked up with Goldberg's daughter.
Oh! Sorry. Sorry.
And it's untrue.
Hey, Mitch, all I'm saying is think about it, OK? Think about it!
Who cares if you work with the guy? I do!
I have a career to worry about. You need to start embracing this.
I am. I don't think you appreciate everything I've done for you.
For me? Do you think I like avoiding my wife and kids
to hang out with 19-year-old girls? I do. I'm doing this for you.
Hey, Nicole! How's it going? Hi! Who's this?
This is my daughter Amanda. Hi!
Hi, Amanda. You remember Nicole, right?
We did a little chicken dancing at the wedding.
How you been? Fine, thanks. Good...
I wanted to apologise to you. I hope I didn't embarrass you.
It's OK. You just embarrassed yourself. Yes!
I brought you a house-warming gift. Wow! That is really nice.
It's just a CD holder for your desk or whatever...
Yeah. That thing's a piece of crap. Awful.
What? I stopped selling it. Please... Hey, Beanie...
A lot of complaints. Great. Nice gesture. It's cool.
Hey, Godfather! What's up?!
Yo! You the man!
Did that guy call you the Godfather?
He must be joking or something... Where are you guys living?
We're staying with my dad for a while.
The move's been a little rough on Amanda. So...
My son Max turns six on Sunday. We're having a party for him,
you know, petting zoo, clowns, stuff like that.
You guys are welcome. You should definitely come! OK!
Hey, what do you guys like better - nurse or cheerleader?
Oh, hi, Nicole. Hi, Frank.
That's a nice doll you have there.
Yeah, thanks. She's OK.
Did you have fun at the wedding? Yeah, it was fun.
I'm just staying here for right now.
We'll see you Sunday, then? Sunday. Great.
OK. Bye. Say bye. Bye.
# Ain't no sunshine when she's gone... #
'Hi! You've reached Marissa... And Frank! Leave us a message.' BEEP!
Hey, honey. It's me. Er, listen, just was, er, calling to check in.
I've been kind of busy lately, a lot of paperwork, stuff like that.
Damn! 'If you are satisfied, press one.
'To re-record, press two.'
Hey, Marissa. It's me.
I'm probably going to be in the neighbourhood a little later.
I didn't know if you want to get together for frozen yoghurt,
or maybe a whole meal of food... if that would be agreeable. Stupid!
'If you are satisfied, press one. To re-record, press two.'
Hey, Marissa. It's Frank Ricard. Er...
OK, ladies, the secret to a good BJ is focus.
I don't care if it's your husband of ten years
or some hot sailor you met at TGI Fridays a couple of months ago...
who never did call me back.
But that's neither here nor there.
Grab your vegetables. THEY GIGGLE
MUSIC: "Hungry Like The Wolf" by Duran Duran
Who's hungry? Who's hungry?
Is this guy for real?
He's fine. He's good. He's the best there is.
Thumbs are down. Wrists are flexed.
We're going to position ourselves for insertion.
Ready? Do it.
Mind the stepchildren.
Mind the stepchildren. Very good.
Marissa. Come on. That's it.
That's it. I like what I see. Don't be afraid to arch...
Marissa, come on. That's it.
# And I'm hungry like the wolf. #
Everybody can learn from Marissa.
I'm gonna take five. Continue.
Nice work, Marissa. Way to give 110%!
You know, when I get back there
I'm gonna show you something I call crouching tiger, hidden penis.
Did you ever see that movie? I really like it
cos of the flying and the magic!
Oh! Someone just made a bad mistake!
Jesus Christ, Frank. What the hell are you doing here?
You know this person? I am so sorry. Are you hurt?
Yes, I'm hurt. Oh...
You've outdone yourself, once again. It's nice, right?
Spanish, what are you doing?! Getting some water. It's crazy hot.
Put your head back on. Are you nuts? It can be traumatic for the kids.
I'm sorry. Don't sorry me. And shake the tail when you walk!
Take it easy! You don't see me breaking the fourth wall.
Hey, guys! Hey! Nice costume.
Thanks. This is a great party.
When'd you get here? A minute ago.
This is my boyfriend Mark. This is Mitch and Beanie.
How's it hanging, boys? Pleasure to meet you...
So, somebody told me you guys are in a fraternity.
Is that right? THEY LAUGH
Is that true? Er, not really.
I mean, no. It's more like a social club.
We just watch football and hang out.
Hang out and spank each other, I bet, huh?!
We don't take it too seriously.
Blue, there's no ice in my lemonade! Sir, sorry, sir!
You drop down and you give me 10... Now! Yes, sir!
Let's go! That's Frank.
I'm gonna go ahead and give you these. That's my work phone.
Speaker City, I own all six. Hey, Max wants to open up his gifts.
I thought one would be all right. All right. Come on in here, Max.
Do you guys mind giving me a minute? We'll talk surround sound later. I'll cut you a deal.
How you doing, bud? What a day! I guess we can open Uncle Frank's.
I don't know who's more excited, Frank or Max!
Rip it up. Go at it! What could it be?
Could it be a space ship? Yeah! Let's see!
What do you think, Max? It's got three speeds.
Excuse me, I'll have one of those.
I'm Mark. What's your name? Tracy.
Hi. Nice meeting you...Tracy.
Right on there. There we go.
OK, you can go back out and play now.
Come on. There.
Take your doll. OK.
I think she likes you. She ignores most people. Well, I feel honoured.
He seems like an interesting guy. He's harmless.
How long have you two been together? Two years now.
I told him I had a crush on you in school. I think I got him jealous.
You had a crush on me? You gotta be kidding!
I was obsessed with you! I mean, not in a dangerous way.
I just watched you from a distance.
How come you never asked me out?
You were pretty intimidating back then.
You were always with older guys.
You had that Whitesnake jean jacket. You smoked Marlboro Reds.
You were way out of my league. Mm-hm?!
I still have the Whitesnake jean jacket.
I'm still pretty intimidated by you!
You're bad! You're right. I AM bad.
Oh, Jeez, I'm sorry. I was... I guess we're not knocking, huh?
Excuse me. I've got to go back to work.
I'm just returning these band aids.
What are you gonna do, tell on me?
You can't, buddy. It's guy code, OK?
Guys don't tell on other guys. That's, er, something chicks do.
You're not a chick, are you?
Phew. All right. Good talk. I'll see you out there.
Hey there, buddy. Need a friend?
Yeah, me too...
She's a beauty, ain't she? Yeah. What kind of gun is this?
That's a tranquilliser gun.
If any of these little fuckers decide to freak out on the kids,
I get to take them down.
Ain't that right? What?! ..That's what I thought. Shut up.
Hey-hey! Be careful with that.
That's the most powerful tranq gun on the market. Huh!
Got her in Mexico. Cool. It is cool.
They say it can puncture the skin of a rhino from 100...
Oh, yes! That's awesome!
What? You just took one in the jugular, man!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I did! Is this bad? Is this bad?
You should pull that out. HIS VOICE WARPS That shit isn't cool.
IN DISTORTED VOICE: Wait! Wait. Pull what out?
The dart, man. You got a fucking dart in your neck.
You're cra... You're crazy, man!
You're crazy! I like you.
But you're crazy!
I feel tired.
Looks who's coming...
# Happy birthday to you... #
ROARS IN DISTORTED VOICE
ALL SING IN WARPED TONES
# Hello, darkness, my old friend
# I've come to talk with you again
# Because a vision softly creeping
# Left its seeds while I was sleeping... #
This is the most beautiful day.
Yes. It really is.
# Within the sound
# Of silence... #
I've missed you, Frank. I'm so glad you're back.
ECHOES: I've missed you, too, honey.
You look gorgeous.
# I turned my collar to the cold and damp... #
# When my heart... #
Bleurgh! Eugh! Agh!
He just French-kissed me! CHILDREN: Eurgh!
This better work. The board members are beginning
to ask questions about this "civilian fraternity".
Don't worry. It'll work. Here she comes.
Her name is Megan Huang.
She's the student council president, pre-law, a promising young woman.
A young woman with a lot to lose.
Megan, hello. Hi! Have a seat.
HE CLEARS THROAT I'm sure you know Dean Pritchard.
Oh, hi... Don't turn around!
Megan, this little fraternity over on Brooke Street
has become quite an inconvenience for us, OK?
And as Student Body president, you approved their temporary status.
Unfortunately, you alone have the ability to revoke it.
We're gonna need you to go ahead and do that.
Why? Everybody loves those guys. They throw the sickest parties.
I mean, I met my boyfriend at their casino night... Uh-huh. That's great.
It says here you're applying to Columbia Law School.
Wow! That's a tough school to get in to.
You know, Dean Pritchard has some serious connections at Columbia.
Are you bribing me? Hey...
Don't make life harder on yourself, Chang. It's Huang.
Whatever. How's the tennis going?
I made some minor changes, but overall it's OK.
It's a pretty standard lease. OK. Great.
Thanks for taking a look for me.
This stuff confuses me. Any time.
So, er... you and Mark are moving in together?
Yeah. Well, financially it makes sense. So...
You know, there's something I think you should know, er...
What is it? Well...
Relationships are a lot of work.
I guess what I'm saying is, er...
Er, good luck.
Oh. OK! Well, thank you.
Yeah. Listen, I-I was thinking that maybe some time we could
get some dinner or something... Yeah.
If that's OK. I'd like that.
Yeah. Of course, leave it to me to wait
until you've got a boyfriend to finally ask you out.
Timing was never your thing. No.
OK! So thank you.
And, er, call me about dinner. I will.
Excuse me, sir! We have a situation, sir!
What are you doing here? I said never at work. But it's an emergency.
We can only buy KY Jelly in the four-ounce tubes.
Industrial-sized cans'll take up to three to four business days minimum.
What's that for? Blue's birthday. We're having a KY wrestling match...
Can we talk about this later, please?!
# Louie, Louie... #
I'm born again, baby! Whoo-hoo!
# We got it going on... #
This doesn't seem fair!
Rip his head off! Rip his head off!
SOUL MUSIC PLAYS
I like your room. Thanks a lot.
It's kind of a home away from home for me. All the posters are mine...
I don't usually like fraternity guys. They're such losers.
But you're, like, mature.
So, where do you sleep, anyway?
Usually, I sleep at home. Sometimes I do crash here.
This is a futon, actually. It pulls out... I didn't realise.
Can I see it? The futon?
Amy, I'm sorry.
I'm married, and I can't do this.
I don't want this to get weird but...
Right, I see.
But leave me your number,
so if something happens to my wife, I can give you a call.
I don't think so. OK. That was a bad idea.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to tonight's main event.
In this corner, weighing in at 110lbs
and pushing 89 years of age,
the recent recipient of a brand-new plastic hip,
Joseph Blue Pallaski!
THEY CHANT: Blue! Blue! Blue!
And in the opposite corner, with a combined weight of 210lbs,
hailing from Haydon Dormitory,
Jennie and Jeanie!
Fighters, are you ready?
Hey, Blue, you sure you're OK with this?
Just ring the fucking bell, you pansy. OK. Let's get it on!
Come on. Come on, Grandpa! Let's go.
Let's go, birthday boy.
What's the matter? Are you scared? Come on. Hello?!
# I close my eyes
# Only for a moment
# And the moment's gone
# All my dreams
# Passed before my eyes
# In curiosity
# Dust in the wind... #
We'd better put the KY wrestling on hold for a while.
Please don't beat yourself up over this thing. It's not your fault.
Damn it, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die.
# All we are is dust
# In the wind
# Ho-ho... #
You're my boy, Blue! (You're my boy!)
It's been a weird month, huh? Yeah.
Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday.
My birthday? What do you mean? Last Thursday.
You forgot your birthday, didn't you? Damn it.
I'm such an idiot. I...
What have you been doing? I... Well, I've been keeping busy.
Well... I, er...
I...tried to join a new gym.
That was one thing. Er... Mmm.
And there's other stuff I can't remember. But...keeping busy.
You know, I-I've missed you.
I want you to know that. Mmm.
Maybe tonight we could get together back at home.
We could maybe put on a Sisqo CD...
I don't think that's such a good idea.
Really? You don't?
I don't know. Maybe we rushed into this, you know?
I mean, it just doesn't feel right, does it...
What do you mean?
I think we should get a divorce.
Like a real divorce?
OK, well, er...
Huh! I'm sorry. Yeah.
No, listen, actually, I gotta run.
if I don't talk to you, keep on...
Keep trucking, you know.
OK. Good stuff.
Well, what do you think? You know, it's OK.
Just OK? Yeah.
I had Mitch look at the lease. He thinks it sounds like a good deal.
You had Mitch look at the lease?! When?
Last week. I stopped by his office.
Oh, God! What?
I don't know. I'm not so sure about that guy.
Mitch? Why? He's so sweet.
Something I saw last week at the birthday party.
What did you see? I don't want to get in to this, but...
I walked in on him, and he was harassing one of the caterers.
A young girl. Really?
He was being really aggressive and grabbing her. It was disgusting.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS I didn't want to say anything.
Hello? 'Hey, Nicole. It's Mitch.' Hi, Mitch.
I was thinking if you're not busy,
maybe I'd take you up on that cup of coffee.
Er, now's not really a good time.
Look, I'm really sorry about the other day.
I just want the chance to explain everything.
I don't think so. I...
It's, er, it's been kind of a tough day,
and it would really mean a lot.
There's a few things that I wanted to clear up,
because I get the feeling you have an entirely distorted view of who I am.
Really? Yeah. What gave you that idea?
OK! One pecan pie and two coffees. Thank you.
And don't worry, for the Godfather, it's always on the house.
Not here. I know who you are. I am Avie.
I'm a big supporter. Thank you.
You are beautiful. Beautiful. No offence, though, he is the king.
You are taking coffee and pie with a legend. That's very kind,
but I insist, I'll pay. Your money - it's not good here. OK.
I look forward to pledging next semester! OK.
OK, now don't you think this is going a little far?
I heard one of your pledges died. Is that true?
Well, yes. But he was old.
I'm confident that when we get the autopsy back,
it'll show it was probably of natural causes.
Look, to be honest, you're really not the person I thought you were.
But it's OK. It's not a big deal. But I think that I am that person,
and I feel more like myself now than I have in a really long time.
So, that's why you harass young women?
Doing what? The caterer at the birthday party.
Mark told me about her. Wait! I didn't want to say anything,
but Mark is the one who was acting inappropriate.
Mitch, you are unbelievable. It's true! Hey, look who it is.
Hey, Mitch! Darcie, hey.
Hi! I meant to call you. I didn't want you to worry about my dad.
He doesn't know anything, so it's totally cool.
Her dad?! Yeah.
Yeah. You know, it's nothing, really.
They actually work together.
We gotta run cos we got this prom committee thing.
I'll see you around. (Sorry.)
Prom committee thing? That, I actually can explain. I'm sure you can.
It... I have to go. Nicole, please wait a second.
No! Really, I have to go.
Hey! Chicks! Don't worry for her, huh?!
Love - it's a motherfucker, huh?
"Dear, Mitch, if you're holding this letter,
"you already know the house has been boarded up,
"the windows, the doors, everything.
"We're at the Comfort Inn. Room 112.
"I love you. Frank."
Due to these infractions, not only will your house be repossessed,
but those of you who ARE students will be expelled from the university
for participating in a non-sanctioned fraternity.
Please take a moment to allow this to sink in.
Believe me, the actions taken by the student council
have come as a great shock to me.
Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do.
Thank you for your time. Good luck. And God bless America.
He can't do that.
This guy's playing hardball.
I gotta say, I'm impressed by him.
Well, we're expelled. I'm gonna wind up working at Red Lobster!
You already work at Red Lobster! Part-time, dick!
Hey... Guys... Listen,
this is a serious situation. I mean, I'm kicked out of school!
I don't know what I'm gonna do. My mom's gonna kill me.
Come on. She's not gonna kill you. Yes, she is.
I'm the first one to go to college in my family. When I left she said,
"Weensie, if you screw this up, I kill you."
She showed me the knife.
Mitch is a lawyer, buddy. He's gonna take care of this thing.
You're gonna be all right.
He was meant to be Luke Skywalker.
Guys, do you still wanna be in the fraternity?
We've been waiting all semester for you to ask us that.
I need your help with something, off the record. You do this, you're in.
Sir, yes, sir. Walsh, I need you to track down
a copy of university code 7A. Fax it to this number immediately.
I need to talk to you. Give me five minutes.
Booker, make two copies of this petition
and message it to 34 Langley. Listen!
Donald says you've got these guys working arbitration.
I want them on the Sunshine Square deal!
I locked that deal yesterday, so now they're helping with the arbitration.
I'd appreciate it if you let me handle my own team
and don't get on my ass every time I'm trying to do something!
All right. I wanna make sure you're on top of it.
Well, I am. Well, good. Carry on.
See? That's why they call him the Godfather.
Just take care of it.
Gentlemen, I got some good news and I got some bad news.
I did some research. What Pritchard did, technically, is illegal.
We have the right to a formal evaluation
before they can deny our application. However,
we're now subject to a review given by the board of trustees.
Damn it! Wait, what does that mean exactly?
It's a thorough inspection of our fraternity
and our contribution to the community.
The focus is on five categories - academics, athletics,
community service, debate and school spirit.
Good luck. It was nice to know you and I'll see you round campus.
Actually, all of us are being tested. Yeah.
What are you talking about? I'm not even in school.
It's in the bylaws. Every member is subject to review in every category,
Mitch, I don't mind popping for breakfast.
I do speakers, OK? I don't so tests.
What happened to needing brotherhood now more than ever?!
They need us. College is overrated, anyway.
I built Speaker City from the ground up. I can barely read! It's true!
This damn thing was your idea. You convinced me to do it,
and now people's lives are ruined! Ruined?!
Yeah! Like whose life is ruined? Well, let's see...
Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I've lost my house.
Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass,
and now we've got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school,
and you're not even gonna help them out!
So, is this going to go down smooth? I'm missing 18 holes of golf here.
I got creative with their tests. It should make for an entertaining day.
I'll enjoy kicking these assholes off campus. Ditto.
Welcome to the official debate section of the charter review.
the captain of the university debate team had a scheduling conflict,
so we had to bring someone else in to fill in for this event.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the co-host of CNN's Crossfire,
famed political consultant, the Ragin' Cajun, Mr James Carvell.
Thank you, Dean Pritchard. It's an honour and a pleasure to be here.
Topic number one...
What is your position on the role of government in supporting innovation
in the field of biotechnology?
Dean, I'm glad you asked... Actually,
I'd like to take that one, Jimmy.
CROWD MUTTERS Have at it.
Recent research shows that empirical evidence
for globalisation of corporate innovation is limited
and the market for technologies is shrinking. As a world leader,
it's important for the US to provide research grants for scientists.
I believe there will always be a need for a well-articulated innovation policy
with emphasis on human resource development.
Where'd that come from? What? I blacked out. It was awesome!
That was interesting. Thank you very much.
Your rebuttal, Mr Carvell?
Er... We have no response.
That was perfect.
That's the way you do it. That's the way you debate.
("Which of the following is an accepted graphical technique
("for determining first order system parameters?
("Is it A - Harriot's method of solving cubics?
("B - Pythagorean triples?
("Or C - the migration method of graphic quadratic functions?")
Harriot's method of solving cubics. "The answer is A - Harriot's method of solving cubics."
All right, Frank, let's do this.
# Everybody, dance now
# Everybody, dance now
# Give me the music
# Give me the music
# Everybody, dance now
# Everybody, dance now. #
Let's go, Cougars!
Agh! Oh, no!
Help me! Help me! Argh!
Dean Pritchard, can I talk to you? Megan, I'm a little busy.
I didn't get in to Columbia Law School. How awful(!)
You said if I revoked their charter, you'd get me in.
I did say that. No-one at Columbia's heard of you!
Oh, Megan... Look, I did my part, now you have to do yours.
That's how bribes work! I know how bribes work!
I bribe people all the time. But I changed my mind. Lesson learned!
I'm sorry, guys. I lost my composure out there. I'm an idiot.
Frankie, don't worry. We'll make those points up.
Your skin's gonna grow back, too.
I'm sorry. Yeah.
How many events are left? One.
Frank's accident set us back, but... BANGS DOOR ANGRILY
But if we pass athletics, we're in.
All right! That's what I'm talking about, guys.
We made a great effort so far. Keep it up!
That's right! We can't have anyone freak out out there, OK?!
We've got to keep our composure! We've come too far!
There's too much to lose! Keep our composure!
For your final test, I've chosen the men's gymnastic team's all-rounder.
Participants in the three events will be chosen at random by me.
Let's see... Er, rings.
Er, Bernard. OK, great.
Full exercise... How about Frank? Great.
And for the vault competition... Oh, I don't know.
How about, er...
Yeah. Is there a problem with that?
MUSIC: Theme from "Chariots Of Fire"
I'm still holding.
It's physically impossible.
No. Don't worry. Abdul's here to spot you.
We're waiting, gentlemen.
Just hit the board as hard as you can and shut your eyes, all right?
Ready? Have fun with it.
Go! Come on!
Yeah! Oh, my God!
THEY ALL CHEER
Hey, how you doing?
You put forth quite en effort. Thanks. Really did.
But I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You didn't pass the review.
Wh-What are you talking about? We finished with an 84%.
Yes, you people did finish with an 84%,
but, unfortunately, another pledge scored a zero in every category.
A Joseph Blue Pallaski.
Hey, man, Blue's dead. He passed away two weeks ago.
He's listed right here on your official chapter roster,
and those zeros drop your average to a...58%. Come on! You gotta be kidding me!
It's been quite a journey.
You're gonna be all right, Frank.
Come on now, big cat. I have no reason to live.
We're going to find you a one-bedroom apartment,
get you back on your feet... It's not gonna be the same!
Didn't quite work out for you, fellas, did it?
I recommend you drive away,
before something very bad happens. Ooh, I'm scared(!)
Mitch, am I interrupting? You actually are.
If you leave, that'd be tremendous. You might find this interesting.
'You said if I revoked the charter, you'd get me in to Columbia.
'I did say that. I did my part, now you have to do yours.
'That's how bribes work. I know how bribes work.'
Let me... No!
Get him, Frankie!
Pritchard! Hey, it's over.
Hand over the tape. It's over. It's over.
Where did the others get to? We all spread out.
Ow! What are you doing?
Wh...? Ow! Hey! Time-out! Time-out!
Excuse me. Excuse me!
Wait! My shoulder!
This man accosted me! You're all witnesses!
Frank, are you OK?
I... Mitch, I-I'm so cold.
Come on, big cat.
I-I think I see Blue. Ssh...
He looks glorious!
Stay with me. OK. Stay with me.
I did good.
You did great!
How are you? I'm OK.
You know, I got that apartment. Good for you. That's great.
And you were right about Mark. What happened?
Well, let's just say I caught him red-handed
and it wasn't pretty. Oh.
I guess I thought he could change. I don't know...
So, you're moving out?
Er, yeah. I'm moving into a new place
far, far away from here.
What about your little fraternity?
They're upgrading, moving into a new facility,
and to tell you the truth,
they don't have much use for the Godfather any more.
I hope you'll still think I'm cool, even without...all this!
Ah-ha. I think I can deal with it! I appreciate it.
Although, you know, I have to say,
I have always been curious about what goes on inside these places.
I do have another 12 hours on my lease.
I'd be more than happy to...show you around.
Maybe for a minute.
Frank The Tank here at Harrison Cougar Radio, 88.6.
I wanna give a shout out to the Godfather.
If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here today, Mitch. I'd be dead.
Face-down in a drained pool somewhere.
'Quick note to all you future brothers out there,
'there's a brand-new house on campus, Dean Pritchard's former residence.
'You all remember that crazy bastard!
'Well, we'd love for you to join us this Saturday at our open house
'for some chips, soda and late-night streaking.'
A little right. A little more.
Yeah. That's good enough.
Welcome aboard, Booker. Thanks, sir.
Walsh. Thanks, Tank. Well done. Get me a fresh beer.
Are you serious? NOW!
NOW! You son of a bitch!
MUSIC: "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake
# Like a drifter
# I was born to walk alone
# And I've made up my mind... #
# But here I go again... #
# I close my eyes
# Only for a moment
# And the moment's gone
# All my dreams
# Pass before my eyes
# A curiosity
# In the wind...
# All they are
# Is dust in the wind. #
We gotta stay in the goal, man.
Between the posts. Can we say between the posts?
I want focus! I want intensity! I want a one, two, three!
Hungry! Hungry! Hungry! Eat 'em up!
You know what to do in the box. We talked about it!
We're up by six.
The ref's a real prick out there. Yeah! That's right, you heard me!
Number four's been throwing elbows all day!
What? Let's make it official, then, jackass! Let's make it official!
Pick up the clipboard. I'll be in the car.
Have some respect for yourself.
Is that Frank The Tank?!
Oh, hey, Heidi! How you doing?
I'm doing really good! You know, I got into body painting.
Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Great.
Wow! You're looking very healthy.
Oh, thanks. Yeah, so are you.
Oh, thank you!
So I heard you and Marissa split up. Is that true?
Yeah. We did. Oh, you poor baby!
I having this get-together at my place tomorrow night,
just like a few Internet friends. You should swing by.
OK. All right. It sounds awesome.
I'll see you tomorrow night. SHE GIGGLES
I am back! Whoo!
You know it!
I'm back. Who are you? The Doctor.
Ah, the ghost. Who's the ghost?
Masked vigilante, but he's super.
Riotous campus comedy in which a lawyer unwittingly gives his thirtysomething friends an opportunity to recapture their college years when he relocates to a local university.
Having caught his wife cheating on him, the out-of-luck attorney find his new house turning into a 24-hour party pad for a variety of misfit college students, middle-aged slackers and elderly retirees as he struggles to avoid being evicted by the new dean of students.