Surviving Christmas

MUSIC: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Andy Williams

# It's the most wonderful time of the year

# With the kids jingle-belling and everyone telling you

# "Be of good cheer"

# It's the most wonderful time of the year

# It's the hap-happiest season of all

# With those holiday greetings and gay, happy meetings

# When friends come to call

# It's the hap-happiest season of all!

# There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting

# And carolling out in the snow

# There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories

# Of Christmases long, long ago

# It's the most wonderful time of the year

# There'll be much mistletoeing and hearts will be glowing

# When loved ones are near

# It's the most wonderful time of the year!

# There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting

# And carolling out in the snow

# There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories

# Of Christmases long, long ago

# Oh, oh, ohhhhhhhh!

# Oh, it's the most

# Wonderful time of the year

# There'll be much mistletoeing and hearts will be glowing

# When loved ones are near

# It's the most wonderful time

# Yes, the most wonderful time

# Oh, the most wonderful time

# Of the year! #

My firm has discovered two critical things.

One - most Americans feel that Christmas is a time for family.

Two - most Americans feel that in order to stand

being around their family for even one or two days,

they need to swill as much alcohol as humanly possible. Now...

I'd like you to meet the Noggertons.

They're a classic American family - they're together on Christmas,

they're fat free and they're 10% alcohol by volume. Enjoy our family

-so you can enjoy your family. What do you think?

-So you're suggesting

we tell people that the only way to get through the holidays

-is to drink spiked eggnog?

-I'm suggesting we tell people

the only way to get through the holidays is to buy YOUR fat-free,

pre-spiked eggnog in a bottle.

-Take care. All right.

-It's all good.

-How do you do it?

-I'm very excited. Looking forward to it.

-It went pretty well, huh?

-I'm a genius.

-I feel like I could sell whale steaks to Greenpeace!

-Nice image(!)

-Here are your tickets to Fiji.

-Ahhh!

Missy, we've been dating for a while now and I feel

we should take our relationship to the next level.

-I have been hoping you would say that.

-So I got you

-a pre-Christmas Christmas gift.

-Yeah?

-I want you to open it now

because...it involves our future...

a future of you and me together.

It's, er...it's kind of for both of us in that way.

OK.

-Tickets to Fiji?

-Yes.

-First class.

-Drew, on Christmas?

Christmas is the family holiday!

I mean, what are we doing?! What is this?! What is going on?!

Where is this relationship headed?!

Fiji!

-First class!

-Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

OK... here's an example

of one of our problems - you've never introduced me to your family!

You've never even mentioned your family!

And how can you be serious about me

if you're not serious about your own family?! You need help, Drew!

I think you're missing the point. If I told you everything about me,

there'd be nothing left to discover. When there's nothing left

to discover, a relationship dies. You don't want

-this relationship to die, do you?

-It just did.

C'mon! Don't be like that!

Oh, you're going to be like that?! Go ahead, go!

I'm going to spend Christmas with my family.

You can spend Christmas alone.

Missy...

HE SIGHS

Kathryn, I need you to, er...get, like, a Cartier bracelet

to send to Missy. Something very expensive, a lot of diamonds,

very flashy. Include a personal note from me.

-What do you want it to say?

-You know, something very personal

that shows the depth of my feelings, my emotions. You're good at that.

OK, but it's not going to work.

That's my man.

Ohhhh, Dougie! Doogan! Doog-ray! Douglas!

It's Drew.

Drew Latham. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, what's up, man?

Ah, nothin', nothin'! Er, hey, man, what are you doin' for Christmas?

Family? Nice. Nice call. Er, you got room for one more?

Well, I think we are that close.

I love Jewish Christ... I'll light candles, spin the dreidel.

It'll be great! A matzo-ball soup and baklava!

All right, that's Greek, whatever, I'm just... You still there?

No, I know you have a baby, I'm just saying, like, you know,

what do they do? They just lie there and crap themselves, right?

How interesting is that? No, I'm not saying anything bad,

I'm just sayin'... Huh?

Well, maybe your wife doesn't have to come, man.

Maybe it's just me and you for Christmas, dude.

Would you mind if I came by to your house and spend Christmas?

It's like, er... It'll be one or two, three days tops.

HE SIGHS

Ahhh! All right. Merry Christmas.

OK, right over here. Right over here. Stay together. All real good.

-OK, you got...

-Freeman! Doctor Freeman!

-Thank God I found you!

-Oh, please, sir! Sir!

Dr Freeman, I've got to spend Christmas alone! I'm having a panic attack!

-You got to help me!

-Just one question. Who are you?

I'm the boyfriend of one of your patients. Missy Vangilder.

-Oh, you're Drew! You're Drew!

-Yes.

-Oh, God!

-What does that mean?

-Nothing. Forget it. So, how did you find me?

I bribed a woman at your service. Tell her to raise her standards

-or you got to fire her. She caved for 200 bucks.

-Whatever.

-I just need a few minutes of your time.

-Backpacks on the belt.

-You got to help me out! I don't want to spend Christmas alone!

-Please!

-Sir, teddy bear on the belt.

-Can't she walk it through?

-She's got to put the bear on the belt.

-It's a puppy!

-Put Tutu on the belt and she'll go for a ride.

-My Tutu!

-I need one second.

-If you could just, please! Give me the puppy.

-Step through.

-You're abusing your child.

-Sir.

-CAN'T YOU SEE I'VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS?!

-Whoa! Whoa, now!

-I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

OK. OK. Hey, I know,

erm,... I heard it on the radio once, best I can do. All right.

-Write down all your grievances about your family.

-All your grievances.

Go someplace that reminds you, er, of your childhood at sunset

and light the paper and as the last shred of paper is burning away,

-you whisper the words,... "I forgive you."

-I forgive you?

-Mm-hm.

-And it burns up.

-That's it.

-I like it!

-Oh, thanks so much, man! Have a good vaca!

-OK. Where's my daughter?

-Sir?

-Oh, there she is!

Whoa! C'mon out! C'mon out for Daddy!

My grievances.

OK, buddy, here we go. That'll be 72.50. My God!

-That's it! That's the house I grew up in!

-How's the 72.50 comin'?

Good. It's comin' good.

Keep the meter running.

-Almost out of salami.

-No(!)

-Well, thank you for telling me.

-I don't want to run out, that's all.

-God forbid.

-Did Brian eat?

-I dunno.

-Brian, get down here and eat your dinner!

-I'm not hungry!

-Yeah, you are!

-Stop yelling at me.

I'm not yelling at you.

Brian!

SHE SIGHS

BRIAN, GET DOWN HERE, PLEASE, SO YOUR FATHER CAN STOP

-NOT YELLING AT ME!

-I'm busy!

We shouldn't have put the computer in his room.

-He's going to spend all his time there.

-Tom, he's advancing his skills.

One day that computer is going to get our baby a good job.

EROTIC MUSIC

What he's doin' up there, nobody's going to pay him for it

cos if they did, I would've retired at 17.

-What?

-There's a guy out there.

-Who the hell is that?

All right, alone on Christmas. I can do this.

I'm going to rid myself of all my grievances. Be gone, grievances.

What the...?

I forgive you!

Holy moly! This joker...!

TYRES SCREECH

MUSIC: Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairies by Ed Hartman

What are the neighbours going to think?

He shouldn't have been burning crap in my yard.

Is he still breathing?

Dear God, you've killed the man!

-Oh, shit, he's still alive!

-GROANING: Hello.

Oh!

My name is Drew Latham. Agh!

Er, I-I-I-I grew up in this house.

So that's why you tried to burn it down, huh? Brian, call the cops.

Oh, no, no, no, that won't be necessary!

I was just outside burning, er... Someone told me to burn a list

of my grievances outside of the home of my birth

to help me with some loneliness issues. It's fine.

-Oh.

-Anyhoo, apologies and, er, I'm going to go.

Would you mind terribly if I took a look-see around the house?

-I'll give you a tour.

-Thank you.

Hold on.

-You got any more matches?

-No. No, no, no.

-Are we done with all that?

-Yes! The burning? Yes, it's completely done.

-I'm actually quite better.

-I'm watching you.

Wow! I can't believe it! This is amazing!

It's exactly how I remember!

-You're saying it was always a shithole?

-No. No, it's great.

SQUEAK

Did you hear that?

SQUEAK That stair squeaked.

SQUEAK

You know what we used to call that squeaky stair?

The squeaky stair!

HE LAUGHS AND STAIR SQUEAKS

HE GIGGLES

SQUEAKING

Wow! My old room.

My God! Hey, look at that! I can touch the ceiling!

-It's so much smaller than I remember it. Did you do something?

-Yeah.

We had it reduced(!) Cost a lot but, yeah, I think it was,

er...yeah, I think it was worth it.

This is great! This is the best, you guys sittin' around,

eatin' dinner like a family. I always wanted that.

It's just really wonderful.

-Wonderful.

-So, er, what's for dessert?!

-Kitchen's closed.

-Awww!

-I got things to do.

-Oh, boy!

-Tom, why don't you see the man out?

-I didn't want to let him in. I'll call you a cab.

-Is that necessary?

-Er, yeah, it is, yeah.

-You know, man, I got to tell ya,

all these years I've been kind of avoiding Christmas

and I just kind of realised, like, this is what I've been longing for -

a real family, you know, in a true home. That's why I'm thinkin'

it might be a good idea if I lived with you.

Huh! DOOR SLAMS

DOOR KNOCKS

Tom.

Tom!

-Tom, please! Please let me stay here!

-No.

-I'll pay you!

-My family's not for sale, pal.

Tom, I'll pay you 250,000!

Welcome home, son.

LIQUID TRICKLES

Mom...!

TV CHATTER

-(Tom, that guy is still here!)

-Yeah, I know.

(Why is he still here?!)

He's giving us 250,000 to be his family for Christmas.

And you agreed to this without asking me?

-Of course I did, he's giving us 250,000.

-And how would you like it

-if I agreed to this without asking you?

-That would depend.

Would we be getting 250,000?

OK, what exactly did you agree to?

-It's a big day for this family.

-Very well.

All right, er, Mr Latham agrees to pay the sum of 250,000

to the Valcos for services rendered until 11:59pm on Christmas Day

and for said sum, the Valco family will aid Mr Latham

in recapturing those childhood Christmas memories,

including, but not limited to... all due festiveness,

celebrations, various and sundry merriments and yuletide glee.

-Agreed!

-Agreed, right?

Fakin' it anyway, might as well get paid.

-Will there be anything else?

-Oh, yeah! I got to sleep in Brian's room.

What? No. Where is this goin' here?

Like it says in the contract, I get to sleep in my old room!

Creepy, grievance guy wants to sleep in my room?! If I wanted that,

I'd use a bus ticket these guys keep sending me

over the internet!

Oh, man, I just want to sleep in my old room!

-Brian, you're in the guest room.

-My computer's not in the guest room.

-How am I supposed to...study?

-Use your imagination.

Well, I'm going to catch some shuteye.

Er, who wants to go Christmas-tree shopping with me in the morning?!

Er, apparently, you all do.

HE YAWNS

I'm home.

Argh! Agh!

< Brian?! Brian?!

-I didn't do it.

-It's all right. I'll fix it!

LAUGHING: I'll fix it. Argh!

Well, that should do it, assuming no other idiot decides to...

-Is he eatin' my salami?

-That's what it looks like.

-It's nine in the mornin'.

-I know, it's not really breakfast food,

-but it was lookin' good in the fridge.

-Yeah, it is good.

-Is that the last of it?

-Yep.

Ohhhh! You didn't want some, did ya?

-No, it's all right. It's fine, it's fine.

-Ah.

Kathryn, should anyone DESPERATELY need to reach me,

they can call me on my cellphone. If you need to send me anything,

the address is 2 Edgewood Road in Lincoln Wood, Illinois.

Stayin' with my family.

Hey, Dad.

He's talkin' to you, genius.

Yeah, Drew?

Would you, er, do me a kindness? Put this hat on.

My dad always used to wear a Santa hat

-when we went Christmas-tree shopping.

-CHUCKLING: In public?

-Yeah.

-That would be no. And in private that would be no, too.

-Please wear the hat.

-No, I'm not wearing that hat.

-Tom...you got to wear the hat.

-I'm not wearing the hat.

-Wear the hat, Tom.

-I'm not wearing the hat. Get it away from me

before I shove it up your ass!

Tom, are you familiar with the phrase "breach of contract"?

-Gimme the hat.

-All right.

250,000.

250,000.

250,000.

You're lookin' good, Dad.

-Shut up!

-Hey, Tom!

-You hear me?!

-TOM!

-Eyes on the road! Dad!

TYRES SCREECH

No.

Nope.

Wait a minute. This could be it. This could be it.

-Yep, this is it. This is the one.

-OK.

You're good. Excuse me, folks. Dad, you want to lift that up,

have a little respect for the tree or...? No?

It's going to be in our house, so, er... Wait, wait.

Where are we goin' with this?

All right, let's get that baby up there. Hoist that up.

-Get that on the roof.

-Ugh!

-Alrighty!

Here we go. All right! You got it. There you go.

-Get around! Get around on it! Get around on it!

-Rarh!

-Brian, get your skinny little ass out of the car!

-You got it, Dad!

You got it! You got it! Nice one.

All right, I think it's good. I think it's good like that.

Whoo! Christmas time.

-How does it look?

-Like it could trigger a seizure.

-I know. Wait till you see it lit up.

-I thought it was lit up.

Oh, no, no! We got to sing Christmas Tree first. Tom, you take the lead.

-You want me to sing?

-Yeah.

-Do I have to?

-Yeah.

-Would it make any difference to you if I didn't want to?

-Not really.

Go on.

# O Christmas tree, O Chri... # Christine...

-you want to help me out here a little bit?

-No, you're doin' great.

You're doin' good, Dad. C'mon, you can do it.

BOTH: # O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree

# You stand in woodland beauty

# You are as green

-# In summer snow...

-Winter snow.

# Winter snow

BOTH: # As in summer's richest glow

# O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree

# You stand in woodland beauty

# Ahhhhhhhhhh! # That was great!

-That was really good.

-Yeah, it was... Yeah.

-All right.

Without further ado, let's fire it up! Ready?

One! Two! KNOCK AT DOOR

HE GROANS

All right, people, take five. I'll deal with this.

(Thank Christ!)

KNOCKING CONTINUES Can I help you?

Yeah. Who are you?

-Erm, who are you?

-Alicia!

-Hey, Mom.

-Yay!

-Hi. Who is this?

-Mom, who is this?

-OK, what is going on?

Your dad's rented us out for the holidays to this millionaire.

Christine, since when do you have a daughter?

-It's her terrible secret(!)

-This is going to ruin everything!

-The whole bit doesn't work! I...

-You know what? Erm... Ssh!

-Will somebody just say something that makes some sense?

-Well, every year round Christmas I get...

-No, no, no, no! You, stop talking. Mom?

-Drew wants...

-a family Christmas, so we're going to be his family.

-That's insane.

-Tell me about it! I never had a sister, so this is bullshit.

-OK.

-You are my illegitimate love child...

-Mom!

-..and you had no idea about her.

-Or she could be the maid!

-OK! Enough!

-Hey, my baby's home!

-Hi, Daddy.

-How are ya, Lici?

-Hi.

I'm good. You've obviously lost your mind.

-Can I talk to you in the dining room?

-You knew about this?

-You stay away from my daughter.

-Mom...

-this guy is obviously crazy...

-I know.

-..so I'm going to go upstairs

and when I wake up in the morning, he's going to be gone. Right?

-Maybe.

-Cos, you know, I'm not going to be a good sport about this.

-Oh, darling, we would never expect you to be!

-Thanks.

< C'mon, Mom, it's tree time!

Okey-dokey. All right, we're back on track!

Yeah.

OK...here we go!

One! Two! Three!

-Now it feels like Christmas.

-I can smell my eyeballs burning.

Brian, it's very important, don't look directly at the tree.

-Brian!

-What?!

-Wake up! It's your brother, kind of!

It's snowing outside! It's snow day!

Why the hell are you waking me up?!

-I don't want you to miss the fun, man!

-What fun?

Ohhhh! Facial! Ice ball! Whoo! Look out!

-Oooooooooh! Right in the nuts!

-I can't feel my toes.

-Here he comes! The look of vengeance! Eye of the tiger!

-Ugh!

Oh! Oh! Now he's getting furious! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo!

-What's up, Tom?

-Brian, go inside.

-See you later, Bri! It was fun.

-You like throwing snowballs?

-Ah, I was just having a good time, you know?

-Yeah.

-Throw one at me.

-Ah, it's cool! It's all right. Don't worry about it.

-We're kind of finished now.

-C'mon! Like you said, it'll be fun.

-It's gettin' a little chilly, it's all right.

-C'mon, throw it.

All right, I'll throw one. I'll throw one.

Good one.

Now it's my turn.

SCREAMS: No!

That was great. Any time you want to do that again, you let me know.

-We said no ice balls, man.

-Did we?

Morning, Mom. Freak.

You know what? We may have gotten off on the wrong track the other day.

-We should just start over.

-Here you go.

-Aw, thanks, Mom!

-Mmmm...

-Problem?

Yeah, my real mom puts marshmallows in the hot chocolate.

You know what I was thinking? If you don't want to play my sister,

maybe you could be, like, a mysterious Ecuadorean cleaning lady.

Or a Swedish cleaning lady. I think cleaning lady is good.

-Oh! Mmmm...

-What?!

My real mom used the mini marshmallows. Sorry.

Speaking of your real mom, why aren't you annoying the hell out of

-your own family?

-That's not really your business, is it, Consuela?

Ho, ho, ho!

Alrighty! Welcome, everyone.

-There you are.

-What is this?

-These are what we in the business

-call scripts, Tom.

-Excuse me?

-You don't have to worry about it

-because your role is what we call small.

-Er, well, you're what

-we in real life call a jackass.

-I don't know about that

but I do know that my being here

-may have caused some awkwardness within the family.

-You think(?)

I do, Tom, seriously, and it's even possible that some of it could,

er, potentially be in some small way partly my fault.

-Which part wasn't your fault?

-Ah, bop, bop, bop, bop! I'm talking, OK?

So what I've done is I went ahead and wrote a sequence

so you guys can get a sense of what I'm goin' for here.

-We're all going to read this aloud.

-I feel like I'm insane.

-And...

-that's why you have no lines. Mom, I believe you go first.

-OK.

"Oh, look at us! I sure hope you like the meal

"I so lovingly prepared for the people I love.

"She smiles at Tom." No...

-Have you acted? You've acted before.

-A little theatre.

-Yeah.

-I can tell. I can see it.

-You were in Pippin in high school.

-You played wind.

-Tom, you have the next line.

Er... "Say thank you to your mother for all her hard work

-cooking this meal for us."

-"Thank you."

-"Oh, I don't work nearly as hard as you, dear!"

-That's true.

- Tom, let's stay on book, please. Brian, go ahead! - "Gee, Mom,

"I love you like the dickens. Should we pray?"

Gee, Beav, do you think Wally's going to give ya the business?

Oh, there you are, Consuela! Five waters for everyone, please.

Gracias.

Er, Brian, you were about to say grace.

- "Dear God..." - Brian, we hold hands in this family at grace.

"Dear God, thank you for this meal. Thank you for blessing us

"with a family. Not everyone has a nice family and also we, O Lord,

"are so lucky to have Drew in our lives."

Amen.

"An emotional moment." Sorry, I keep doing that.

"Brian, if you eat it all up,

"I will let you sleep with me like I never did when you were little."

An awkward moment.

Skip ahead! That doesn't work! That's not supposed to be in there!

What does this mean? "Doo-Dah enters in his bathrobe."

Sweet Jim Jiminy! Cold corn in the mornin'!

-Whoo-hoo! This weather is killin' my joints!

-Brian, go get the shovel.

Oh, no, no, no! Listen! When Alicia came, she ruined everything.

-Because everything was so normal up until that point(?)

-Silencio.

So what I had to do was expand the family to get my real family -

I had to find my grandpa! So I went and found my doo-dah! Here he is!

Your doo-dah looks exactly like the guy we saw in Christmas Carol -

-Scrooge.

-I do a lot of community theatre. This Christmas night

I'm reprising my role as Scrooge in the Lincoln Wood

theatre group's production of A Christmas Carol.

- I hope you can make it. - Please stay in character, Saul, OK? "Doo-Dah,

"I'm so glad that you came here and you're going to stay for the holidays!"

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, he's not! I agreed to let YOU in the house,

-not Doo-Doo over here!

-Doo-Dah.

-Nobody's talkin' to you!

-All right, look, I'll give you 25,000.

How ya doin', er, Doo-Dah? You can stay in the living room.

-No, no, Dad, I'm sleeping in the living room.

-Not any more.

Where am I going to sleep?!

DOG BARKS

BUZZES

Agh! I hate these people.

MUSIC: Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses

# Bah, humbug, no, that's too strong Cos it's my favourite holiday

# But all this year's been a busy blur

# Don't think I have the energy

# So deck those halls, trim those trees

# Raise up cups of Christmas cheer... #

Everybody, get some presents, get your shopping done,

then meet back at four o'clock at Santa's Village to take pictures.

Kids, don't lose track of time! Mom, you want to stick with Doo-Dah?

-Why me?

-He's your father.

-How come you never call?

-Tom, Tom, Tom!

-Yes, Drew?

-Aren't you forgettin' somethin', T-Bone?

Here you go, Lenny. Happy holidays to you and the family.

-Thanks. You, too.

-Hey, Tommy!

-LAUGHS: Nice hat!

-How is the holidays?

Considerin' I got a pain in my ass

-about six-feet tall in my house, all right.

-Relatives, huh?

-Kind of.

-Oh, your wife's family! They hang around your house all day

-and drink your beer.

-Then eat your salami.

Hey, guys! Wait up!

SHE SIGHS

TYRES SCREECH AND HORNS BLARE

DRIVER: Asshole!

# You better watch out, you better not cry

# You better not pout I'm telling you why

# Santa Claus is comin' to town

# He's makin' a list and checkin' it twice

# He's going to find out who's naughty or nice

-# Santa Claus... #

-All right, there we go!

Excuse me!

SANTA: All of you?!

-Mom, this sucks.

-Tell your father, he made the deal.

-Say, "Merry Christmas."

-SANTA AND DREW: Merry Christmas!

-Doo-Dah, interest you in a Christmas cookie?

-I can't, I'm diabetic.

The real Doo-Dah wasn't diabetic, so go ahead and take one.

Look, kid, I get that, but if I eat this thing, I can't act not dead!

TYRES SCREECH

Hey! Slow down, the roads are icy

-and I don't want you TO KILL YOUR FAMILY!

-Perfect, Christine.

-That's just what my mom would have said.

-Before your father

threw her out of the car.

-Ah, the old carriage house! Brings back memories.

-What's goin' on?

-Brian, go inside.

-What?! C'mon! Dad, look,

-I'm in my pyjamas! What, you want me to sleep outside?!

-Go!

Fine.

I can't go in my room, I get... You know,

when I become a serial killer, don't act all surprised.

Think positive! Use your positive mindset!

That's not what we talked about!

It's hard to get through to him. So, what's goin' on? What's up?

-You got to go.

-What?

-We can't do this no more.

-What do you mean? What can't we do?

-Christine and I...

-Uh-huh.

-..we're thinkin' about breakin' up.

What?! Why?! Is it my fault?! Is it something I did?!

-Is it the hat?! Don't worry about the hat! Forget it!

-No, it's not you!

It's nothin' to do with you! It's been goin' on for a long time!

It's not workin' out. We were going to wait till after the holidays

to tell the kids and, you know, with you here

-with your Christmas-cheer crap, it's makin' it worse.

-Tom, first of all,

I want to reward you for openin' up with a big thank you

cos that deserves some credit. Second of all,

let me tell you what you need to do. If I was you, coming into some money,

I'd do somethin' you always wanted!

-Somethin' for Tom that makes you happy!

-I want the money,

-I really do. It's Christine, she...

-Let me worry about Christine, OK?

I'll worry about Christine, you worry about Tom cos it's Tom time.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

-Christine.

-Yes?

-Can I talk to you about something?

Of course, dear. I'm your mother, you can talk to me about anything.

-Are, er, are you all right?

-Uh-huh.

-Are you sure? Cos you just put a bra in Brian's sock drawer.

-Oh.

That's your brother - 15, likes to experiment. We still love him.

Look, Christine,

I know about what's going on with you and Tom

and, first of all, I just want to say that, er,

I'm feelin' a little ripped off here, you know,

cos I thought I was gettin' a real family.

Well, it's time you grew up and faced facts, then, isn't it?

Mommies and daddies fall in love, make babies, pay bills,

get mad and stop touching each other!

Er, second of all, I was thinking maybe I could do something

to make you feel better. How about just me and you go shoppin'?

-For what?

-I dunno. Let's go shoppin'! You know what I mean?

It's fun just to buy shit sometimes! Listen to me. I know

all the best make-up and hair people.

-Er, the best fashion photographer in Chicago owes me HUGE!

-So...?

You don't see it, do you?

You don't see what a beautiful woman you are.

You have grace and kindness and...sensuality

and this incredibly striking,

kind of, offbeat beauty that's... You look in the mirror

and you don't see it. We're going to show it to you.

How would you like me to arrange your very own hip,

very sexy, yet tasteful, very elegant, very modern,

very expensive photoshoot just for you?

SHE SOBS

Or not. I mean, whatever...

Oh, Drew, you've made your mother so happy!

Great!

SHE SOBS

Oh, Mom! Mom.

Hey, Alicia! You want to go tobogganing with me?

Oh, I'm sorry, Drew, have I been sending you mixed signals?!

I just thought maybe instead of sitting around the house

hating me all day, you might actually like to have some fun.

No, thanks.

Ahhh, I see! I get it. You're afraid of fun.

-You don't like having fun.

-What does that even mean,

"I don't like fun"? Of course I like fun. Everybody likes fun,

-it's fun.

-All right, so, then, why won't you go with me?

-Because it would be with you.

-You know what I think?

I think you're afraid that you will go and you will actually have fun

and you might even enjoy yourself a little bit

-and you'd be with me and, then, what would that say about you?!

-Really?

-Mm-hm.

-Let's go.

-All right.

-Ready, Freddie.

-Well, hello there, youngsters! Goin' tobogganing, huh?

-Breakneck Hill.

-That'll be fun.

-Yeah.

-What do you know?

-Back in my day, we couldn't afford fancy toboggans.

Are you smoking pot?

HORN TOOTS

RADIO BLARES

-What do you think?

-Nice.

-This'll keep you from dying(!)

-I had one of these when I was single,

-let me tell ya.

-I bet.

-You know what happened to me on the way here?

-No.

-Got propositioned by a hooker. Yeah?

-The blonde with the big cans?

-Hey, Doo-Doo, watch your language around my daughter!

-Bri!

-Take a look at your father's new automobile!

-What do you think?

-It's old.

-< All right, all right. Hey, Bri, c'mon.

-We're going to go tobogganing.

-That's...great.

She's ready.

Hi. I'm Christine.

I feel so pretty.

-What are you doing?

-Modelling.

Here.

Chad, have you ever seen me so elated?

It must be this woman. Yes! Isn't she sexy?

Erotic?

-Speak!

-Oh, absolutely, Heinrich!

-She's got that special quality -

-Get out.

-But I'm agreeing with you.

-You hesitated.

-Yeah, you heard him. Get out!

-Beat it!

-Get out!

-Beat it!

-Uh-oh! He thinks we're serious!

We're very serious.

Very serious.

Yeah! Yeah!

Ausgezeichnet! Ja! Yeah!

Ja!

Ah, erotik! Ja! Ja!

Oh, yeah! Great!

Oh, more! Lick the lollipop! Ja!

-I do not want to do this!

-Oh, you say that now!

Once you get goin', you'll run and jump and squeal with joy!

-OK?

-All right, let's do this.

-Here we go. Centre your weight!

Breakneck Hill!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo! Whoo! That was crazy(!) Did you see him fly down the hill?!

-That was crazy(!)

-It was obviously scarier...

-Can we go home now?

-..when I was younger. No!

We are going to risk permanent paralysis or going to die trying!

That one! Land!

Yes, sir! Whoo! It's going to be some serious fun!

Sure, in a Sonny Bono kind of way.

What's that I hear back there? A little chicken? A little...

HE CLUCKS

-..chicken?

-Yeah, and very much so.

-I'm going to go home now.

-Seriously? You're leaving?

-See you at the chopper.

-Wow! Never thought I'd see the day

that taunt would lose its power. What about you? A little chick?

No, actually, er, a part of me thinks that it's incredibly stupid

and the other part of me is in wholehearted agreement.

-That means you're chicken.

-You know what I think? I think that you

had no intention of going down this hill. I think

that you knew that we wouldn't go down it. I think

-you were showin' off, that's what I think.

-You think I'm chicken?

-Mm-hm.

-You think I'm chicken? I'm going to give a little clue here, OK?

You think I'm chicken? I'll show you who's chicken.

I'm ready to go! Where are you?! Nowhere to be seen! Chicken!

-Let's go.

-You're getting on?!

-Yeah.

-No, no, no, no!

Push off!

BOTH SCREAM

MUSIC: Crash by The Primitives

BOTH: WAAAAAAAAAAH!

BOTH SCREAM

Ow!

HE LAUGHS

BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

Oh, God!

See, I told you you'd have... have fun with me.

LAUGHTER FADES

Atchoo!

LAUGHING: Sorry.

That's cool. It's OK.

-Here you go.

-Thank you.

-It's kind of my fault you got sick.

-It's not your fault.

We might've gotten sick without tobogganing.

-Although, it didn't help walking home in wet clothes.

-Want to watch TV?

Uh-huh.

HE GROANS

Aaaaagh!

MUSIC: Cherry Pie by Warrant

# She's my cherry pie

# Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise

# Tastes so good make a grown man cry

# Sweet cherry pie, yeah! #

-Hey.

-Hi.

You look different. Did you do something?

-Are you serious?

-I just mean that, er...

..you look good.

Thanks.

Where'd you go?

Nice wheels.

-Yeah. You like it?

-Yeah.

Does it seems at all...familiar?

-Yeah. Didn't somebody we know have one of these?

-Yeah, us.

Maybe this'll help.

Yeah, I remember.

-So, what's your deal, anyway?

-My deal?

Sometimes you have these moments of lucidity,

but then other times just...not so much...normal.

I don't understand. I mean... I don't want to be alone on Christmas.

When you're alone on Christmas it's not like being alone,

-it's alone alone.

-This wouldn't be one of those lucid moments.

-I wasn't goin' for that.

-Oh, OK. I see.

All right, little Miss Grinch,

I know you're a sophisticated, modern woman

that's very jaded, nothing gets to you and you have no emotions,

but I would be willing to bet that even you, before you got old-...

-er than you are now but still as young and attractive

-and smart and beautiful how you are now...

-That's better.

I don't know, like... some...moment in your childhood

before everything got complicated, when you were happy.

I know you must have some moment in your life that you'd like to relive.

Yeah.

Once...I was... I was, like, nine years old

and we had just had this ice storm

and I was walking home from school through Bishop Park

and you know that one big oak tree in the middle?

It was completely frozen and all the branches were just icicles.

It was just...it was... it was incredible.

It completely stopped me in my tracks.

I just remember standing underneath it,

pretending that I was a princess in a magical crystal palace.

It was really...

It was beautiful.

BOTH HONK

MUSIC: Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano

# Feliz Navidad

# Feliz Navidad

# Feliz Navidad

# Prospero ano y Felicidad

# Feliz Navidad

# Feliz Navidad

# Feliz Navidad

# Prospero ano y Felicidad

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

# From the bottom of my heart

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

# From the bottom of my heart

# Feliz Navidad

# Feliz Navidad

# Feliz Navidad

# Prospero ano y Felicidad

# Feliz Navidad

# Feliz Navidad

# Feliz Navidad

# Prospero ano y Felicidad

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

# From the bottom of my heart

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas... #

Hey, er, would you come outside with me for one sec?

-I want to show you something.

-OK.

-Where are you taking me?

-Do you trust me?

-Er, no, not necessarily.

-OK, try and trust me for one sec

-cos I want to blindfold you.

-Oh...

-It's a surprise.

-OK.

-All right?

-All right.

-Oh, God, why...?

-Follow me.

-Why do I get the feeling

this is going to end with, "And she was never heard from again"?

-Step, Step. Step. Right there. Stop.

-OK.

-Turn this way. OK?

-All right. All right.

SHE GASPS

(Oh! Oh, my God.)

-I...I can't believe you did this.

-Wait till you see this.

Hit it, guys.

ALL: Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut!

You see that?! That's you! I know this excellent props guy.

He owns all these figurines and he painted your hair like that.

-Those guys aren't even pros.

-I'm sure.

-I had to show 'em how to do the thing...

-Oh, wow!

..and it's not easy to get a camel.

It's not easy taking a very, erm, personal and private moment

that I have never told anybody in my entire life

and turning it into a theme park.

< ALL SING CAROL

Shut...up!

ALL STOP SINGING

But I'm not disappointed, OK? I'm not mad,

I'm just mad at myself for thinking that there was more to you

-than I thought and...that's you.

-It's a wrap!

Alicia. Alicia, wait a second! I care about you!

-I was trying to show you that!

-Look, Drew,

let me just give you some advice. Save your big,

expensive gestures for some girl who's impressed by them

and when you find her, hold on to her,

cos otherwise you are lookin' at a lifetime of lonely Christmases.

SHE GASPS

-I'm telling you, he is wonderful!

-It's Cartier.

-At least he's got manners.

-Well, I mean, he's in the neighbourhood.

-He is?

-Darling...

-What?

-..it's a day bracelet.

-Do you like it, darling?

-I love it!

-You're the expert on jewellery.

-Are you disagreeing with me?

-No.

-She just got a present, why pick at her?

-I'm not.

(Oh, yeah.)

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Brian, tell Drew that I had to take off. There was...

-Holy cow! What are you lookin' at?

-It's just...

-It's research.

-You know, when I was young, we didn't sit alone

in our rooms drooling over nude ladies on computer screens. No, sir.

We had to go behind a barn with the dirty girl

and pay her a quarter so she could show us her goodies.

-How does this work?

-Oh, well, er, here, let me help you here.

-What are you into? We got Hot Cheerleaders and 3 Way Fun.

-Uh-uh.

-Middle-Aged Hotties -

-Now you're talkin'.

Old enough to know how it's done, young enough to still want to do it!

-That's gross.

-Whoo!

-Come...to...Papa!

-That's not bad, right?

Dude, it's your mom!

-Oh, my God!

-Hey, can you print that for me?

Mom, Dad, listen. Please, Drew has to go tonight, OK?

-I cannot spend one more second in this house with him.

-Well, yeah?

-So what?

-So he's making fools of us! Of all of us!

-< Alicia?!

-All right, look, I'm going to take the car

-and when I get home, I really hope he's gone.

-Alicia...!

Be careful...with the car.

-Can't we talk about this?!

-No.

DOOR SLAMS

-What the hell happened?

-Nothing. I think she's right - it's stupid.

This is a mistake. I've imposed on you folks and I'm sorry

and, er... I'll write you a cheque and I'll spend Christmas, er...

Well...I dunno, I'll spend Christmas somewhere.

No...we don't want your money.

In cash. A cheque'll be just fine.

I'll get you a pen.

PHONE RINGS

-What's wrong with you?

-Hello?

-"Merry Christmas to you, too(!)"

-Missy!

-The bracelet is amazing.

-Thank you.

-Er, I'm in the middle of something right now. Erm...

-How did you know my favourite is Cartier?

-Er, it's a lucky guess.

-How did you find me?

-I talked to your secretary

and she said you were with your family. Oh, Drew,

-I am so happy for you and for us!

-Us?

-I know what this means for you,

reaching out to your family after all this time.

It means you want to be more serious about yourself and me.

-I want to meet your family, Drew.

-I'm sure you will,

-and they want to meet you one day.

-Oh, great! Then we can go to Fiji.

How about...tomorrow?

Fiji? Tomorrow?

You're kidding?! That's fabulous, actually! That's perfect!

Then, tonight we can spend Christmas Eve together with our families.

Er...that's going to be hard, er, to pull off, you know?

Er, it's very short notice and, erm...we, er...

(Er, one of the family members is, er...challenged

(and, er,...requires a lot of time to put on, you know,

-(the proper headgear and...)

-Oh, no problem!

-We're right here!

-You're here?

-Look outside!

Oh, my God! You're here?!

I-I-I mean, oh, my gosh, you're totally here!

My girlfriend is here with her family! You guys have to help me!

Just pretend for, like, a couple of hours! I'm begging you!

-No, read paragraph three - you bailed, we're done!

-What?!

No! Look, I want to go, I'm dying to go, I want to get out of here

but I got to have a life to go back to! I can't tell her

-that I rented a family.

-I'm sure she knows you're crazy,

-it kind of, er...shows.

-No, a deal's a deal!

-Unless you want to sweeten the pot a little bit.

-That's extortion!

-I hear the doorbell.

-No! No, no, no, no!

I'll give you another 75 grand, but you guys got to do it good

or else I'll be SO MAD AT YOU GUYS! C'mon!

DOORBELL CHIMES

-I'm not wearin' a hat!

-Sure!

-Missy!

-Hey, Drew!

-Mrs Vangilder.

-Captain. C'mon in. Merry Christmas.

-Mwah!

-Hi, honey. Merry Christmas.

-Welcome to the childhood home of my childhood. C'mon in.

-Hi.

-I'm Drew's father and this is his mother.

-Christine.

-Letitia. Horace.

-And he's our son, there's no doubt about that.

That's for sure.

ALL LAUGH

Oh! You know, I would love to see pictures of Drew

-when he was small.

-Oh, babe, we're not going to bore everybody!

-Good idea. Bath time for baby.

-Awww!

-Thanks, Mom(!)

-Look at him!

-Drew, are you sure that's you?

-Oh, that's me all right!

-I remember it well. It was autumn and the...

-I don't think so.

-There's no little...dingle.

-No.

-No.

Ah, well, yes, it's there but you can't see it

because it was so...long, er, that Mom had to tuck it back

-when she gave me a bath. It used to get tangled. Remember, Mom?

-Yeah.

From the moment he was born, it was, er...freakishly long.

Right. Yes.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-I'll get it!

-No, I'll get it, son.

-You stay right there.

-Thanks, Dad.

-So, here we are.

-Yeah.

-Are we keeping you folks

-from dinner plans or...?

-No, we don't have any plans.

Oh, we couldn't possibly impose! No.

ALL CHATTER

Who was that, Dad?

-It's Doo-Dah.

-Doo-Dah? Doo-Dah's my grandpa.

-He'll tell us some stories...

-I want to meet Doo-Dah!

..about the 1800s. I know. We don't usually leave him outside

-in the cold, we usually let him in, Dad.

-Let me talk to you, son.

-OK.

-OK.

-Don't go anywhere.

-OK.

(There's a guy out there, he's Doo-Dah's understudy cos Doo-Dah...)

-(Fine.)

-(But he's not white.)

-(They don't know he's not right!)

-(They don't know the old Doo-Dah! Let him in!)

-(Fine!)

-This is my grandfather, Doo-Dah!

-Sweet Jim Jiminy!

-Cold corn in the mornin'!

-Who are you?

I'm Saul's understudy. I just came to help out. Feliz Navidad!

-(Is he Black?)

-(Yep.)

-I can't do it!

-My family's this close to 350

and you're not going to weasel out on us! Put some maple syrup on the ham.

-Drew.

-Huh? Agh! Agh! Agh!

I'm sorry! Agh! Jesus! I'm sorry! I know I'm not supposed to be here

-and I'll leave right away! I don't want to cause any problems!

-Drew.

-I'm in a little bit of a jam right now!

-Drew, wait!

-What?!

-Listen, I...

-Yes?!

-Listen, I came back

-because I wanted to apologise.

-Right.

-Yes, the thing in the park

was a bit garish and obnoxious but, I mean, that's you.

I mean, not that you're garish and obnoxious,

-it's just that you do things in a big way...

-I do, I do.

-..and I'm touched.

-Well, thank you.

-That means a lot to me but...

-No, thank you.

Mmm.

You smell like fear.

-There have been some developments...

-Oh, I have a gift for you!

-I'll be right back.

-OK.

-No! Hi!

-LAUGHING: Hi, honey.

-Erm, your mom sent me in here to get a cheese ball. What's that?

-Er...

this is a cheese ball! Let's play a game where you don't come back

-till they eat the whole cheese ball, OK?!

-Your family isn't

what I expected but I'm just so glad you wanted to introduce me.

-Me, too.

-It's all I ever wanted.

-Me, too.

-Thank you.

-OK.

-All right. Mwah!

-Yes, I know. I love you. OK.

-Fiji's going to be great.

-It will be great. I can't wait. Fiji time!

That's what this was about? You put us through this for a girl?!

No. No, no, no, no. I just, er...

-Can I open my present now?

-Sure.

-C'mon!

-I thought this was because you had a painful childhood!

You told me you never wanted to see me again, so I accepted that!

She just showed up and she wanted to meet my family

and I couldn't tell them that it was a totally rented family!

I know you hate me, OK?! I hate me! I hate my own guts

and I know this is a horrible thing to ask but could you just help me out

so I can just get through this?! Just, like, take a ride for an hour!

-Your parents will call you when the coast is clear!

-Drew!

-Your dad wants more salami!

-They're playing along?

Your parents, they're crazy. They think it's fun.

I'm sorry, OK? I got to go. I'll see you later. I miss you.

Thank you. You're welcome. See ya.

They think it's fun, huh?

Maybe they're right.

Your tree, Christine, it's so colourful. It reminds me of Mexico.

Not the better hotels but the colours of the simple people.

I mean, it's so bright and vulgar.

CHRISTINE LAUGHS

-Mom, Dad, I'm home!

-Alicia, you're back!

-There's Alicia!

-Hi, Momma.

-Aw, you're back!

This is our daughter, Alicia. This is Mrs Vangilder.

-Please, Letitia.

-I'm just so pleased to meet you, really.

-And this is our little Missy.

-Missy, Missy! Oh!

Oh, gosh, I've just heard so much about you from Drew!

God, you're gorgeous! And you are so not fat! Drew!

-What is the matter with you?!

-I'm sorry?

-Drew, I'm not fat.

-No. I was just thinking that...

-You must be Mr Vangilder.

-I wouldn't say that.

-Don't mind us,

-we're just a bunch of kidders.

-Hi. I like the family.

-Oh, well,

you obviously haven't met Brian. By the way, where is Brian?

HE GROANS

Here.

I think your mom's startin' to like your grandfather hittin' on her.

There's a sentence you don't often hear on Christmas Eve.

It's unbelievable! Poor thing.

-Excuse me.

-It's true.

-What's happening over here?

-What's going on?

-Oh, I am learning so much about you!

-Oh, you are?! Great!

-I didn't know you were a baton twirler.

-Yeah. Gave away the big secret, I guess, didn't you?

-Not the big one,

-so don't push me.

-Well, let's go talk to Doo-Dah!

-I want you to see the Cartier bracelet Drew got me.

-Cartier, huh?

Wow! Look at that. That's just beautiful. Wow!

That's my brother - never afraid to put a price tag on his feelings.

That's my sister - never understanding love

and that you can care about somebody and want to show it in a big way

-and that you shouldn't be put down for that!

-But when you love somebody

-you don't have to show it in a big way.

-So were you slumming it

when you were makin' out with me in the kitchen?!

It's a very...a very affectionate family. We show our love.

-Italians. We're just very warm.

-Red-hot, even.

All right, that's it! Gimme this! Get up! Sit down!

OK, who wants a tour of the house?

Now, what you're using right now are the stairs.

We like these for going up. Er, this is the bathroom...

(What are you doing to me?!)

-(What?!)

-(You're killing me!)

-(I'm just playing along, brother!)

-(You know what you're doing!)

-(Missy likes me.)

-And this was little Drew's room, now it's Brian's.

-Awww!

Brian, don't be rude. We have guests.

He would live up here in front of this screen if we let him.

I guess it's that insatiable appetite for knowledge. Oh, shit!

Brian, what have you done?! Tom, I don't know what that is.

I do. It's my wife on my son's computer shooting a V for victory

-with her legs.

-It's been a while but that's what it looks like.

-LETITIA: Honestly!

-That's my little girl!

-Get our coats!

-What's going on?

-Missy, get your coat!

-There's ham!

-We're not going! We're staying!

Lighten up! I had some pictures taken just for me!

Where would you get a stupid idea like that?!

Coats! Someone said coats! Get the coats! Got to get the coats!

SHE GASPS

-Some things cannot be...unseen.

-Brian?

-Brian?

-Great(!) Just great, Christine(!)

I'll be at the Travelodge.

HE SLAMS DOOR

-Merry Christmas.

-Mom?

-Mom?

-LETITIA: Oh, dear God!

Er, wait! There's more of Mom's Christmas buffet!

If you think we're staying after that, think again!

Trollops who pose for dirty pictures and various incestuous overtones

and old...unexplained men! This is, without a doubt,

-the WORST Christmas that I...

-Oh, shut up, Letitia!

-What?

-I've put up with your high-and-mighty act for 25 years

but these people don't have to! I don't remember you being so superior

back when you got yourself knocked up by Skippy Altsheller

-and then tricked me into marrying you!

-Oh, my God!

-I'm sorry, Missy.

-Missy, darling, it's not true!

-Er, you were, you were premature!

-Oh, c'mon, Letitia!

Tell your mother thanks, Drew, and, er...merry Christmas.

Missy, we'll wait for you in the car. You know, really.

-Yuletide's a bitch, ain't it?

-Oh, shut up! Just shut up!

OK, Fiji! Let's go to Fiji right now!

You were right, Drew - just screw family, all we need is each other!

Just take me away!

HE SIGHS

I'm sorry, Missy, I can't.

Just go home, OK? I'm sorry about all this.

I'll spend Christmas alone.

Fine.

OK.

Well, then...the only thing

I have left to say to you... is I am keeping this bracelet!

I feel bad drinking liquor you're going to need. I better go.

-Merry Christmas.

-All right.

Missy, get in the car! My God!

SHE CONTINUES SHOUTING

You know, I have to ask. Just how bad is your real family

that you would rather spend your Christmas like this?

Er...

..there was no...

real family.

What do you mean "There is no family"?

C'mon, you must have had a family.

-I mean, you must have had a Doo-Dah, right?

-Er, I had a friend

whose grandfather, you know, was called Doo-Dah.

I always kind of liked that.

My dad, er...walked out on us on Christmas when I was four.

It was basically just me and my mom. She was a waitress

at, er, the 24-hour coffee shop and she didn't have a lot of money,

so...when Christmas came around, it was an opportunity for her

to take a double shift. She did...and, erm...

..you know, my Christmases were, basically, I just kind of

sat around the house, you know? And then at night I'd walk down there

and Mom would always buy me a grown-up stack of pancakes...

..er, and I would, er, sit by myself at the end of the counter

and eat 'em. And, er, I did that for Christmas, er, every year

till I turned 18.

I haven't been able to walk into a coffee shop since, though.

-Where's your mom now?

-My mom died when I was in college.

I'm sorry.

You know what, Drew? There's nothing that you can do

about those Christmases but the one that you can do something about,

the one that's here and now, you just spent that

-destroying my family.

-Alicia, look, just for the record,

I didn't destroy your family.

-What are you talking about?

-Your parents are splitting up.

It's obvious. Brian knows it, that's why he spends all his time

in his room on his computer.

You just didn't want to see it and I can understand that.

I'm going to go get my dad. Lock up when you leave.

Well...all right.

I forgive you.

HE SIGHS

LIGHTNING CRACKS

No! No, Spirit! No! I will honour Christmas

in my heart and try to keep it all the year!

KNOCK AT DOOR

No-one's home!

KNOCKING CONTINUES

HE GROANS

KNOCKING CONTINUES

What?! I hear you!

-Are you going to hit me?

-No.

-Are you going to

-do something else to me that's not hitting but still hurts?

-No.

-Are you going to invite me in?

-Really? You just stopped by to hang out,

-catch up, reminisce?

-You owe me money.

Right. The money. Yeah.

OK, c'mon in. I'll get my chequebook.

You rented my place when you could've been stayin' here?

-Well, I got to admit, this is nice.

-Thanks.

You still splittin' up with Christine?

-Yeah, I...I guess.

-That would be a shame.

DREW CHUCKLES

-What are you laughin' at?

-Nothin'.

I mean, it's...it's kind of ironic - I paid all that money

to be part of your family and you're giving it away for nothin'.

Look at this. That's the ticket to Doo-Dah's play.

Yeah, I got mine, too.

I'm not very good at apologisin'. I don't even know

-if they're in there.

-C'mon, Tom, what do you have to lose?

-What do you want with me?!

-Much!

-Who are you?!

-In life I was your partner...

-(See anybody?)

-(That's Doo-Dah right there.)

-What is the reason for this visit?!

-It is getting late and I've been hard at work!

-(He's not that bad.)

-To warn you, Ebenezer Scrooge...

-(He's not that good, either.)

-(I'm going to find Christine.)

-Learn from me!

My spirit never walked beyond our counting house,

it never roved beyond our money-changing hole.

So I am condemned to wander through the world

to see what I might have shared on earth,

then turned to happiness.

-(What are you doin' here?)

-You were always a good businessman.

(Doo-Dah's family, right?)

(Brian, move over.)

(No, man, go find one of the other empty seats.)

(Move over, Brian. C'mon.)

-(Where's your sister?)

-BOTH: (Ssh!)

-Dear brother!

-Fanny!

(Christine, I...)

(If I were to leave, I wouldn't even know where to go.)

(Then, why leave?)

-(That's what I'm sayin' - I don't want to leave.)

-(Then, don't.)

-(All right, I won't, then.)

-(OK.)

-(Is that all right?)

-(Yeah.)

(It's good.)

(Hey, Bri...that girl's, er... She's kind of cute for you.)

-(Talk to her.)

-(Stop it.)

-(Talk to her.)

-(Stop it.)

-(I saw you looking at her, Bri.)

-(Would you please stop it?)

(I can hear you.)

DREW CHUCKLES

(That's embarrassing. That's our grandfather up there.)

(This is Brian. Brian, you're all set.)

HE CLEARS THROAT

(I'm sorry.)

(Is that your brother?)

(Yeah.)

-How do we travel exactly?