Mr and Mrs Smith

KNOCK AT DOOR

Breakfast, Mr Smith. >

-What are they doing?

-She's under the bedclothes and he's playing cards.

-You didn't look through the keyhole?

-You can't see anything anyway. I only listened.

PHONE RINGS

Smith residence. No, they haven't come out yet.

They just opened the door for breakfast but didn't let out any dishes. I'm running out of dishes!

They've been in there three days already. What's the longest they've kept this thing up?

Eight? Has Sammy gotten there yet?

He just came in. (It's Mr Custer.)

Yes, Mr Custer?

Listen, Sammy, that paper's gotta be signed. Don't leave until it is.

I'm depending on you.

I'll come back with it signed, Mr Custer. Take me to their room.

Mr Smith? It's Sammy from the office.

Mr Custer says you'll have to sign this. >

(Push it under the door!)

I'm putting it under the door.

-You've signed it in pencil.

-Haven't got any ink.

-It's no good in pencil.

-Go over it with a pen.

-But that's forgery!

-No, it isn't. Anyway, nobody would know.

But I take my Bar exam next June. I could get into trouble.

Give me a pen.

Thank you, Mr Smith.

-Thought I'd left, huh?

-Mm.

What would you do if I walked out that door? Leave me?

-Forever?

-As long as we live, we must never change that rule.

-That's right.

If every married couple had it, there'd never be a divorce. It should be in the wedding service.

"You are not allowed to leave the bedroom after a quarrel unless you've made up."

They'd have to make up.

Most men can't stay away from the office three days at a crack.

-Remember the 8-day session? And the six?

-There were two sixes.

-Two?

One Christmas week and the other the weekend of the Yale game.

That was really five and a half. We started in the afternoon.

-How about some breakfast, my love?

-Mm, yes.

-We respect each other as persons. That's our trick.

-Mm-huh.

Man and woman, all right. But person to person is important in a marriage.

-Mm.

-Make like this.

-I think we'd be friends if we were men OR women, don't you?

-Mm-huh.

Respect for each other as individuals, that's what counts.

We must always tell the truth, no matter what the consequences.

-If we told each other one lie, we'd have to admit we'd failed.

-Mm.

And what would we have left? A marriage like other people's.

Doubt, distrust. Going on with each other because it's the easiest way.

-Your barber's shaving you too close. Talk to him.

-OK.

-It was all my fault.

-No, it was mine.

-It was my fault, dear.

-Mine, darling.

I shouldn't be jealous so much and I should lay off your family.

A wife should conduct herself to please her husband. That's one of my new rules.

-Another one?

-Mm-huh. What's the date today?

-I'd better be running along.

-Honey, not yet! Remember Rule 7.

We gave it up. It got us in so much trouble.

If we gave up one, we'd be giving up that much of our wonderful relationship.

You wouldn't want me to feel that, would you?

But those questions you ask each month. About my trip to Paris the year I graduated. I was only 21.

I forgave you that.

-HE SIGHS

-Shoot.

If you had it all to do over again, would you have married me?

Honestly, no.

Not that I want to be married to anyone else.

But when a man marries, he gives up a certain amount of freedom and independence.

If I had to do it all over again, I think I would stay single.

You wanted me to answer truthfully because we respect each other. We're honest with each other.

-Your feelings aren't hurt, are they?

-It's perfectly all right.

-Enough of that. I was getting into trouble.

-I'm not angry in the least.

Oh, yes you are. You don't understand.

I was only answering a hypothetical question of what I would do if I had to do it all over again.

David, if you want your freedom,

I don't want to be the kind of a wife who clings to her husband when she's not wanted.

Darling, I do want to be married to you. I love you. I worship you. I am used to you.

How do we always get into these things?

My only hold on you is that you're used to me?

You've got the whole thing wrong. What would I do without you? You are my little girl...

Now don't cry.

Don't cry!

Forgive me? Say you forgive me.

Now can I go to work?

-I'll come back early. And I mean early!

-Don't work too hard, darling.

-'Morning.

-Good morning, Mr Smith.

-'Morning, David.

-'Morning, Jeff.

-You know how she is. You gotta humour her.

-Don't apologise. I envy you. I wish I was in your shoes.

Yes, she's a great kid.

Certainly piles up, doesn't it?

-What is it, Sunny?

-There's a Mr Deever to see you. Says it's private.

-Send him in.

-I'll leave you to your miseries. What about lunch at the club, if you can make it?

I'll try and make it.

Mr Deever.

-How do you do?

-How do you do?

-Er, won't you sit down?

Er...

-What can I do for you?

-Were you married in Beecham in March 1937?

-Yes, I was.

-Well, Beecham is on the other side of the river.

It was always incorporated in Brenda County. But Brenda County is in Idaho and so...well!

You follow me, don't you?

-Yes, yes.

-Well, we in Beecham found out we had no right to be incorporated in Brenda County.

On the other side of the river, we belong in Nevada.

-Ye-es. Well, well, well.

-Yes.

We just found out that anybody who got married between 1936 and now

with an Idaho licence in Nevada... well, it isn't legal.

-Isn't legal?

-I don't want you to be frightened or upset or anything, but there's been a kind of a mistake.

-You're not legally married.

-What's that?

You really are married and everything, but there's a little technicality.

It's perfectly all right you understand.

Common law and everything. But we figured in case of deaths

and wills and births - you know, children -

we figured it would be kinda better if everybody got married again, just to be on the safe side.

The Chamber of Commerce is sending me round everyone to tell them.

Here's your 2 back and you can use it to get another licence.

Kinda funny, isn't it?!

Yeah. I've been doing this two weeks now just in New York.

-A lot of couples came to New York. I had a hard time locating them.

-Yeah.

Well, I guess I'll be going now, Mr Smith.

-I hope you don't hold this against Beecham. It really wasn't our fault.

-No, not at all.

-Is that your wife?

-Uh-huh.

-Was she Annie Krausheimer?

-Yes, she lived right across from Beecham.

-Did you know her?

-Know her?! When she was this high, she and my kid sister played all the time.

I remember like it was yesterday.

-I can't get over that. I guess she's changed some, huh?

-She's changed a little.

-She once chased a dog-catcher half a mile with a baseball bat.

-She hasn't changed as much as you'd think.

-Sure is a fine-looking woman. Tell her I was asking for her. Old Harry Deever.

-Indeed I will.

-Goodbye, Mr Smith.

-Goodbye. You can find your way out?

-Yes, thank you. DOOR SHUTS

-'Yes, Mr Smith?'

-Get me my home.

-PHONE BUZZES

-Hello.

Hello, dear. Yes, darling?

Where do you think I'm going to take you for dinner tonight?

No. No.

No. Momma Lucy's.

Honey! I didn't even think you remembered the name of the place.

We haven't been there since before we were married.

I love you.

You want to pick me up here about six?

Goodbye, darling.

Oh, driver, I'll get off here.

-I must be going.

-All right, Mother.

-Mr Harry Deever. He says he's from Beecham.

-Oh, show him in.

-Harry Deever!

-Bertha's brother!

-Why, Harry, what a surprise.

-Hello, Annie...Mrs Krausheimer. I didn't know if you'd remember me.

-What are you doing here?

-I'm on business.

-How's Bertha?

-She's fine.

-She's got four children now - all girls.

-Good for Bertha!

-Sit down. Will you have some tea?

-No, thanks, I got a lot to do. Only dropped in for a second.

Certainly makes me feel good to meet somebody from our neck of the woods.

This is quite a city. Every night's Saturday!

You haven't changed a bit from the little girl I knew. I'd have recognised you in a minute.

What a nice thing to say!

I saw your picture on your husband's desk and recognised you right off.

-He's a good looking fellow.

-What were you doing with David?

Well...you know, Beecham is on the other side of the river.

It was incorporated in Brenda County...

..between 1936 and now, you're not legally married.

That's terrible!

Oh, it's nothing. I gave your husband his 2 back and you don't lose a cent on the whole thing.

-You just get married again.

-I should hope so!

-Mother, don't get excited.

-It's really nothing.

-But how does it look?

-David will do all right by me.

-How do you know?

-Because he's booked dinner at Momma Lucy's. He'll marry me tonight.

-I hope so.

Can I drive you somewhere?

Thanks, Mrs Krausheimer. I'd appreciate it.

-Give my love to Bertha and those four girls.

-Thanks. Goodbye.

-I do hope everything will be all right.

-What are you talking about?

You call me up if anything...er, nothing happens.

-Don't worry, darling.

-Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

-Lily, you know the little black suit that's in the closet?

-Yes, ma'am.

I was married in that suit and I want to wear it tonight. Isn't that wonderful?

-Well, you know that better than I do, ma'am.

-Well, get it, Lily!

Inhale, Mrs Smith. Inhale.

I can't understand anything hanging in the closet shrinking so much.

-Hello, Mrs Smith. Mrs Smith's here.

-Hello, darling.

I thought you weren't going to buy any more new clothes. You look cute.

I can't wait to see Momma Lucy.

-Do you think we'll get the same table?

-Sure.

It'll have a chequered cloth and a candle in a Chianti bottle. And Rosa, the fortune-teller.

Do you know, I even love the smell of the place.

-Either our noses have changed or they've built a livery stable round here.

-It's not exactly Chanel 5(!)

Let's go in.

The place has changed a little.

Customers!

Is Momma Lucy here?

I'm Momma Lucy.

You've changed a little, too.

-She went back to the old country.

-Wait. We'd like to eat here.

-You want to eat here?

-If you've no objections.

Not if you haven't. Where you like to sit?

We used to have a table outside. Would that be too much trouble?

-Are you going to have a 45 cent or a 65 cent dinner?

-65.

-OK.

The tablecloth is dirty enough so it looks chequered.

A candle stuck in a beer bottle isn't the same, is it?

-Haven't they ever seen anybody eat before?

-Let's just outstare them. That'll make them embarrassed.

-Eat your soup.

-There's something wrong with it.

-You're imagining it.

-Why doesn't the cat eat it?

-Animals know what's good for them. You notice he ate the olives.

-The pits, too.

-That's roughage.

-Make the best of it, darling. Don't let it spoil our evening.

-That cat knows something.

-Where shall we go after this?

-Home.

Home? Aren't we supposed to go someplace before we go home?

It would make it too late.

I'd give 5 to see that cat take a sip of that soup.

-David?

-Yes, dear.

Tell me what you do at a day in the office. Just a day like today.

From the time you came in until you went home, what happened?

Oh... It's duller than dish-water, really.

No, I'm very interested. What went on? Who did you see?

-Please try and remember.

-Let me see. Oh, yes. Some sucker came in and wanted his alimony reduced.

Another guy wanted me to rub out a name in his will.

That's about all. I spent most of the day meeting with Jeff. Things pile up in three days.

I wonder if he'll take a little soup. Come on.

No. No, he won't!

Doesn't that mean something? I want a stomach-pump!

Nice cat, huh?

-Yeah.

-I'm unlucky with cats here. It's the third cat this week.

They get run over....I think. Your name Mrs Smith?

-How did you know?

-Your mother is in the kitchen.

-On the phone.

-It must be about our Red Cross group.

Hello, Mother.

(Not exactly.)

(He's teasing me. Thinks he's being romantic about it.)

Mother, are you crying?

Oh, my poor baby! Thank heaven your father is dead. Under no conditions are you t-to...

Why, Mother, of course not!

Yes, Mother, if necessary I'll spend the night with you.

Goodnight, my love. Goodnight.

-Everything all right?

-Yes.

-I have a little secret to tell you.

-About time! What is it, dear?

You're a great kid.

It's getting rather late if we have to go any place, if you know what I mean.

I get it. Waiter, check!

-Glasses, dear.

-Glasses?

-You don't want to drink out the bottle?!

WHISTLES CHEERFULLY

Get going, Annie!

Keep twirling it, honey.

CRASH

You beast! You know we're not married.

-You were never going to tell me!

-I was going to tell you later.

How much later? You'd wait until...

-Annie!

-..and then throw me aside like a squeezed lemon.

-Annie!

-I've given you the best years of my life.

I've always had a suspicion about you. So did Mother. Your forehead slants back too much.

-Will you please...?

-Don't touch me!

-Annie!

-Get out of here! You're not staying here.

-We can't leave the bedroom until after we've made up.

-You're not in it. Get out.

-Annie!

-I know you for what you are. Lucky I found you out.

-Those are my clothes!

-I never want to see you again as long as I live.

-What are you doing?!

-Good evening, Mr Smith.

-'Evening, Thomas. Have you a room for a member who pays his dues?

-I'm sure we have.

Quite a novelty seeing you, sir. Don't remember you staying overnight in three years.

-Hey, look out!

-Are you hurt?

-Hello, Smith.

-Hello.

Chuck Benson. Remember me from the golf tournament?

-Yeah. How are you?

-Fine. How are you?

I've got a crick in my neck and I thought this might work it out.

-I had a fight with my wife, too.

-It wasn't exactly a fight.

-You know what I can't understand?

Wives normally go home to their mothers, but mine makes me get out.

-How do you get back?

-The simplest thing in the world.

Ignore it. The next day they're dyin' to see you. I know, brother.

Yeah, you're right.

Just go to the office, don't even telephone.

She worries. Why don't I come back?

And when I DO get back, why...!

-Thank you, Joe.

-Sir.

-What can I do for you?

-What's this?

-A chain to keep people out.

-Open up!

-Miss Krausheimer's not at home.

-I'm going to come in and wait.

-Open up or I'll fire you.

-You won't. I was the midwife at Annie's birth.

I know what you've done. All I can say of what she's done is it's about time.

Hey, what about my pen?!

-Thank you for a wonderful evening.

-I'll take you up.

-No, no. I had a wonderful time.

-I did too.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight. Oh, no, Mr Flugel.

-Well, they can't rule you out for trying.

-That's right. Goodnight.

Better luck next time! Goodnight.

Open that door! I know you're in there.

I saw you downstairs with that old goat. Open up! I'm not gonna stand for this!

There's your pen!

Annie, you open that door!

When they come back a second night, things are bad.

Go on! Go on!

-Now!

-What?

-Are you gonna stop this farce? I've got a lot of work piled up.

I've just been through a three-day session of this nonsense. I haven't any more time for your games.

You can come home now and I'm willing not to discuss it any more.

-Who do you think you're talking to?

-My wife.

-We're not married.

-Are you out of your mind? We are married!

-What do you mean, after three years we're not married?

-Legally we're not married.

-All right, we'll get married. Does that satisfy you?

-That's a nice snarling proposal(!)

You had a hard job getting me to marry you before and I didn't know you. I do now and how I know you.

-If anyone asks you, you're no bargain!

-What's the matter with me?

-I don't want this discussion to run into hours. I'm very busy.

-Name one thing about me you don't like.

-One thing?! My, aren't we vain(!)

-I am not vain.

What about that tar stuff you keep rubbing in your hair?

I am only trying to save my hair for you.

-And what about your hair clips? You turned over one night and cut me in 20 places.

-It won't happen again.

-I'm not going to stand for this! That's my final word on the matter.

-Nice to have met you.

I'm not gonna support you. What do you think of that?

-Fine.

-No, I mean it! You won't get any more money.

-Who asked you?

-I want you to know that I'm doing this reluctantly.

-Suits me. Keep the change.

You're not being very practical. How do you think you're going to live? Huh?

-Good morning.

-'Morning. Hey, no entry, bud.

-Are you looking for something?

-Yes.

-Can I help?

-You take this aisle here... No, I'll find it myself.

-I may be able to save you a lot of trouble.

-No, it's all right.

-Something in ladies' lingerie?

-Yes, that's right.

-That's over...

-Don't tell me! It's a game I'm playing.

-It's perfectly all right.

-I see you. You might as well come up.

-Anything I can do for you, sir?

Are you crazy? Will you just come home? I'm supposed to be in court today.

I'm sorry, sir, we have nothing here for you.

Are you going to come out peacefully or will I have to carry you out?

-The most wonderful feature of these is you don't have to launder them. Just throw them away.

-That suits me!

Oh, no!

-Miss Krausheimer, what are you doing to the customer?

-Look who's got who!

-Release our sales clerk.

-Make me!

I'll be happy to get you another sales clerk.

-I'm please with her, but she's no clerk. She's my wife.

-Your wife?!

-I am not!

We understood you were single. As a need to the unemployment crisis, we do not employ married women.

-And quite right, too!

-I am not married!

-She is!

-We'll have to take this to the head of the firm.

-Fine.

-Let's all go.

-This way please.

Oh!

-This gentleman says he is married to Miss Krausheimer.

-He's not!

-We do not employ married women.

-I told her that.

-We are not married.

-Where did you meet this monkey?

-Sylvia introduced us.

-That's the last time I want you to talk to Sylvia. I never liked her.

-I am single.

-What's an old goat doing, taking out innocent girls?

-I'm not innocent!

-She admits it, she's my wife.

-No.

-Are you referring to me as an old goat?!

-Sit down.

I'll get the store detectives.

-Satisfied?

-I have an appointment at the office. Will you make up with me?

-No, not ever.

-For heaven's sake! I did say if I had to do it again, I wouldn't marry you.

But now I'm saying I want to do it again. Doesn't that convince you?

Oh, I believe you want to get married again and I'm flattered.

But I don't want to marry you. I'm not interested.

-What's the matter with me?

-I don't like your temper. You're jealous. You knock people down.

-On New Year's Eve, that drunk had no right to pick up your garter and wave it around.

-It wasn't mine!

-You just borrowed Julie's garters.

-They were mine!

-They were Julie's!

-How do you know?

-They weren't yours.

I don't know what you're selling, but do you have a licence to get this crowd around?

-Run about your business!

-Go on, knock him down!

-I wouldn't advise your friend to strike an officer.

-Officer, I don't even know this man.

-Oh, you go this way. Beat it!

-Come on, break it up.

-You can't do this to me!

-KNOCK

-Come in.

-Hello, David.

-Hello.

-I've set back the Duffy hearing and asked for a continuance against the street-car company.

-Fine.

-I'd like to ask you to do something, David.

-I'll clear my work all right. I can't get my mind on it right now.

-That's OK. You don't know what I'm going to ask you yet.

-Anything you want.

I'd like to have you drop in at your own home tonight. After dinner.

-What do you mean?

-I asked Ann to ask me to dinner. She's fond of me and she knows I'm fond of her.

I think I can straighten this out. I hope it IS something I can straighten out.

-Oh, it's nothing at all. A little marital quarrel.

-Yes, you're too fine to do anything shoddy.

I'd like to have you drop in unannounced at...shall we say nine o'clock?

Jeff, I...!

-That's all right.

-You're the best friend a man ever had.

-We're partners.

-The best partner.

-We were school chums.

-You were the best full-back at Alabama!

-Even Henkel couldn't touch you.

-Thanks, David.

-May I come in?

-I'll see.

It's all right.

Hello, Ann.

-I want you to talk to my lawyer.

-Your lawyer?

-Mm.

-What lawyer?

-Ann has asked me to represent her.

-What for?

-I told her she doesn't need a lawyer.

-I'll say!

As I understand it, you two aren't married at all.

-There you are!

-What?!

-So there's nothing for the court to decide.

-As in Peterson v. Peterson.

-Jeff said they threw it out of the supreme court.

-What's the mater with you?

-He said you're lucky it isn't the south and I'm not his sister.

-Why you hillbilly ambulance-chaser!

-There's no need to lose our temper.

-We're married, if not legally then by common law.

-That's just as good, it's better.

-True.

Tell him the whole thing, Jeff.

However, the woman is given the benefit of any difficulties arising.

-Should you die, she'll have a share in your estate.

-Great. When I die, she'll get the furniture.

You're entitled to hold yourself forth as the husband.

I am doing that. Tell me something I don't know.

But should the woman care to marry someone else, she is entitled to do so.

Peterson v. Peterson, Adams v. Kelly and Gimble v. New Pennsylvania Coal Company.

You are supposed to be my best friend and you are telling her this.

I would never take advantage of that, but as you're standing here...

-Would you dine with me tomorrow?

-Where?

-Come to your senses and marry me tomorrow.

-If you have dinner with him, we're through!

-What time?

-We're through. From now on, we're just friends.

-That's not necessary. The Florida Club?

-Anywhere you say.

Well...

-I'll call for you at 8pm.

-Fine. Goodnight, Jeff.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight, Ann.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

Comparing yourself to Henkel as a football player!

-You couldn't carry Henkel's water-bucket!

-Goodnight, David.

-..Understand?

-Yes, sir.

Thanks.

-Who is it?

-Mrs Smith, could I see you for a moment?

-Just a minute.

Goodnight, dear. Your nose is bleeding.

-You're sure that's good for a nose-bleed?

-I always use it.

But then I use it for everythin'.

Oh, yeah! Oh, boy!

-I guess I am a kind of a dummy. I shouldn't chase her. I should leave her alone for a week.

-Yeah.

-She's used to me. She can't get to sleep until I get home.

-Mm.

I'll have fun for a few nights. Play poker with the boys.

-Gloria?

-Oh, I thought there was a woman in here!

Hiya, Gloria. ..Uh-huh. And I'm kissin' you back! Mm-mm!

Jimmy? This is no Jimmy. This is Chucky.

Been missin' your Chucky, honey?

(She's a wonderful girl, society girl. Real class.)

-How about tomorrow night? Attagirl! I got a friend. How about Gertrude? (You'll like Gertrude.)

-Me?!

-He's a society fella. Real class. (Did you see the girl in the Camel ads?

-She looks like that?)

Gertie? I've got a nice dinner date for you tomorrow, but he needs cheerin' up. Know what I mean?

OK. (She wants to talk to you.)

Hello.

-She's kissing at me!

-Kiss back at her.

-I don't know her!

-It's all for a laugh.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

It feels kinda silly.

Huh? How do you know you're crazy about me?

Oh. It's just an ordinary voice. I used to sing a little.

Didn't I tell you? He's a great fella! 8pm? (What'll we make it?)

The Florida Club.

How about the Florida Club? OK, goodbye.

-Wait till you see her!

-What has Gertrude got to do with Camels?

-She smokes 'em.

-You mentioned the ads.

-She's a dead ringer for that girl.

-She likes my voice.

-That isn't all she'll like!

Yes, I'll take care of that, Mr Rondell. One minute.

-Mr Chuck Benson's party?

-Oh, yes, sir. Right this way.

DANCE MUSIC

-CHUCK:

-Not there, Davey! Over here!

Davey! The one and only!

-Here he is, kids!

-What's been keepin' you?

-Hi.

What's held you up? The girls have been waitin' for over an hour.

-I-I've been a little busy at the office.

-You work in an office?

You keep your hands off Gloria. This is Gertie here!

Girls, this is Davey Smith.

-Hi.

-How d'you do?

-What're you havin' to drink?

-Why don't ya try an Old-Fashioned?!

-Yeah.

Waiter, bring us another Old-Fashioned.

Er, isn't it a little crowded in here?

Couldn't we go someplace a little darker?

We'll go to one of them romantic places later. We're eating first. Ever been here?

-Yes, often. That's why I want to go somewhere darker.

-I don't get it.

It's awfully hot in here. I know a place that's very cool.

-Don't rush it. Baby, with a couple more hours of this...!

-I beg your pardon?

-Your pheasant, madame.

-Dish it out. I'm starved.

Don't forget to take the feathers off!

-David's here.

-Yes, so I see.

Who's he with, I wonder?

So you want to wrestle, huh?

MOUTHS SILENTLY

-She's rather pretty. Do you know her?

-No, I don't.

-I want to dance.

-Oh, fine.

MOUTHS SILENTLY

-You care to dance, dear?

-Yes, indeed.

-You're looking for trouble!

-This pheasant is nothin' but chicken. Tough chicken, at that.

-Three bucks for this! What a racket!

-Gertie doesn't like the food here. We could go somewhere else.

-It's gettin' better.

-Relax!

-We should have ordered chop-suey.

-Don't you like pheasant?

-No, I like chop-suey.

-Pour some ketchup on it.

-Waiter, bring us some ketchup!

-I don't like ketchup.

-Then scrape the gravy off.

-We should have ordered chop-suey.

-Just eat it up, then maybe Davey will invite us over to his house.

-Yeah? Swell!

-So eat it up.

-All right.

My nose is bleeding. I gotta go.

-That's all right. I can stop a nose-bleed.

-No!

-Just lie down.

Give me a hunk of ice.

-No, no!

-Just take it easy. I know how to stop it.

-I used to fix two a night at the dance-hall.

-Try a cold knife.

-Yeah.

-I-I...

-Ssh! Waiter, put that chicken back on the stove.

-Stand back!

-Maybe he should have order chop-suey.

I knew the way he was acting he was going to get punched.

-Maybe he saw something to make him dizzy!

-Come here.

-Gimme another knife! This one's hot.

-Just cut my throat with it.

-If you're upset, I'll take you home.

-Upset? Why? Because I saw David with Florence Nightingale?

I don't care who holds a knife to him, although I'd certainly like the chance myself.

Well, is there some place you'd like to go?

Yes. I feel like staying up all night tonight.

-I know. Let's go to the fair.

-Good idea.

I've never been so happy in all my life. Wonderful evening.

It's wonderful. I'm so happy and carefree. It's...

GRINDING CRUNCH

Uh-oh!

You know, they're being very clever. They're making believe we're stuck.

We are stuck.

That's what I thought.

-Why don't they do something!

-Keep calm, Ann, don't be frightened.

It's much better to stay where we are.

-You're soaked through.

-It's nothing.

Ah-choo!

-You're catching cold!

-It's only a little sniffle.

-Ah-choo!

-You know what David does if he sneezes twice in one evening?

He goes to bed with four hot-water bottles, a quart of brandy and a red woollen cap over his head.

You ought to see him in bed with that red woollen cap.

-The moment we get down, we'll go to your apartment and get you into some dry clothes.

-Mine?

-Mm.

Excuse me. Ah-choo!

Oh, what a beautiful room! No wonder you've never gotten married.

-Who did it for you?

-I did it myself. Do you like the decor?

-You did it?

-Mm.

-David couldn't even tell you the colour of our walls. He could be living in a tent.

-Oh, it's the most tasteful man's bedroom I've ever seen.

-Thank you.

-What about your hair?

-Don't worry. I'll dry it in front of the fire.

Would you excuse me? I'm going to get into something more comfortable.

Well, is that your idea of something more comfortable?!

I only have one dinner coat.

-You can't go out again in your condition!

-But this is no fun for you.

-Think about yourself!

-You need a little medical attention.

-Oh, I feel fine, Ann.

A big swell of this, there'll be one less pneumonia case tomorrow.

-There. Sit over there.

-That's for me?

-Yes, in one big gulp.

-Oh, I don't drink liquor. I just keep it for David. And friends.

-You don't drink?

-I've never broken training. I eat four vegetables a day.

-Really?

When I was a young fellow, I went to a temperance lecture. I've never forgotten it.

A drunk in the audience kept interrupting the lecturer.

Finally, the lecturer invited him up and asked him to open one eye.

He squirted an eye-dropper full of whisky into the man's eye. You never heard such hollering!

His whole eye got inflamed

and the lecturer pointed out that the lining in your stomach is the same composition as your eyeball.

-I've never been able to forget that.

-It's rather a dirty trick.

Then the drunk left the hall,

came back and asked the lecturer to open his eye.

-Know what he did?

-What?

-He jammed a handful of corn crinkles in his eye

-then said, "That's what corn crinkles do to your stomach."

-Served him right!

-Ah-choo!

-This isn't alcohol, Jeff, it's medicine.

Well, if you think I ought to...

Yes, I do. One big gulp now.

Don't you feel it? Doesn't it burn?

No. I've tried this before and it's very interesting.

I don't mind the taste of it.

My metabolism must be very high. I'm not one of those strong, silent men who can hold their liquor.

I never saw anyone hold it as well. I don't think one will do any good.

I think another one would be a mistake.

It's just medicine. It kills the germs.

All in one gulp now.

Your good health.

What a constitution!

Uh-oh!

Hic!

Maybe that second one was too much.

Miss Ann...

May I...beg your leave for a moment?

Certainly.

Jeff! Are you feeling all right?

Now, you come right over here and sit down.

-I wouldn't want to get bold.

-We'll keep the table between us. Right over here. You sit right there.

I'll sit right over here.

My only fear is that I may not act like a gentleman.

A man's true character comes out when he's had one drink too many.

Want to know the basic difference between you and David?

Give him one too many and he tilts forward at you.

-You, Jeff, you lean backwards.

-Thank you.

I'll tell you something else. All evening, I've been waiting for one suspicious move from you.

There isn't one man in a thousand who wouldn't try something, no matter how feint.

And look how wonderfully you're acting.

Thank you.

The first time I went out with David, he ruined a brand-new 85 dress I had. It was awful.

Didn't change the whole first year we were married. I used to think it was what he ate. I changed his diet.

Thank you.

I've had a wonderful evening, Jeff.

I'm going to leave now. Get a good night's sleep and you'll feel better in the morning.

-I intend taking you home.

-Absolutely not.

-Thank you.

-Goodnight, Jeff.

-Goodnight, Ann.

-You probably want to kiss me and haven't got the nerve.

-That's true.

-You may.

-I have a cold.

-That's very considerate!

-Thank you.

-That's another difference between you and David. A cold's never stopped him.

He had the measles once. How I didn't get the measles, I'll never know.

-Goodnight, Jeff.

-Goodnight, Ann.

Here we go again!

-I hope it's not to her mother's on Long Island again.

-I don't think so.

My wife don't like me doing this. It's like drivin' private. I don't get any freedom.

-You're getting paid.

-You owe me some more.

-I gave you 20 day before yesterday.

-You used that up two days ago.

-I'll pay you later. Don't lose her.

-How did you ever become a private eye?

-It's in the family.

-This must be costin' her husband a packet.

-Mm.

-And he won't catch her out. She's pretty foxy.

-Oh, I dunno.

-We should go to a show.

-Huh?

-She ain't up to nothin' this afternoon.

-In the afternoons is when you catch them.

-No kiddin'?!

-That's funny.

-What is?

-Where does my wife go every afternoon?

Hey, look. She's going to visit me!

-Good morning. There's someone waiting in your office.

-That's all right.

-Well, Mr Smith, it's about time.

-How do you do, Mr...?

-You've even forgotten my name!

I'm a client of yours.

-I paid you 1,000 retainer fee to sue my brother-in-law. My name is Conway.

-Of course!

-Won't you sit down?

-It's taken me all week to catch you. Where have you been?

Relax, Mr Conley. We've got it all under control. I'll get the files.

-My name is Con-WAY!

-Yes.

-I've been sleeping here so much I can't sleep at home.

-Where did my wife go?

-She's with Mr Custer.

-And Mr Custer's parents.

We're going to Lake Placid. We've always wanted a vacation in the snow. But there's two hours between trains.

-Could you two join us?

-Well, I...!

-They're all in there?

-Yes.

But what about Mr Conway?

Hello, Jeff...

Oh, excuse me.

About poor old Conway, his brother-in-law has him where it hurts.

I've been thinking about it a great deal.

-You're David Smith!

-Jefferson's partner.

-My parents.

-How do you do?

-Glad to see you.

-The pleasure's all mine.

-We've heard so much about you. You're like one of the family.

-This is Mr Smith. Miss Krausheimer.

-We met some time ago.

-Yes, we know one another well.

-You've probably seen a great deal of her.

-Yes, I have. Am I interrupting?

Sit down, boy. We've just met Miss Ann

and we find out now they're mighty sweet on each other.

-Ashley!

-David probably knows better than us.

-Oh, yes.

If it hadn't been for me, they'd never have gotten together.

-That's so romantic.

-Any of your family from the south?

-No, but I had a relative in the Civil War who didn't fight at all. He was a slacker.

-Many did that.

-I give them credit.

-You know...

-What, Mrs Custer?

-If two people wanted to go on a honeymoon,

-they could take the boat to New Orleans and motor to our home.

-Boats are wonderful for two people.

Excuse me. But Ann was very sick when we took the night-boat to Albany.

She's not a very good sailor. Whenever she gets on a boat, don't give her anything to eat.

Put her to bed and hold a hot-water bottle to her stomach.

-He thinks himself quite a doctor! ..Er, how do you like New York?

-Oh, fine.

-It's so big, though.

-Oh, we're just one big happy family here.

But there are 1,001 things going on beneath the surface. That reminds me...

-What about my laundry? I've run out of clean shorts.

-Er, Ann took care of his things.

-Little household things.

-A great housekeeper.

I suppose you're wondering about us. It's quite simple.

I've known Ann for a long time, and wanted to marry her. Still do, as a matter of fact.

But, fortunes of war...

-Oh.

-I see.

Let me tell you something. I know of no finer compliment than this.

When a man has seen her first thing for three years and still wants to marry her,

she's quite a girl.

Jefferson, may I see you in private, please? Come, Mother.

-Excuse us, please.

-Yes, certainly.

-Excuse me. We could go in here, Father.

-No, in here.

-What kind of white trash is she?

-Father, I know it sounded confusing...

A hot-water bottle on her stomach!

-And laundering his shorts!

-Three years' breakfast.

-They had a peculiar relationship.

-Were they married?

-Not exactly.

-I thought so!

RATTLING

The plumbing isn't very good in this building. You mustn't jump to conclusions about Ann.

Are you satisfied now?

You've taken two fine people like that whose lives are wrapped up in their son and made them unhappy.

-What about me being unhappy?

-I wish some of Jeff's fine qualities had brushed off on you.

-What's fine about them?

-He's kind, simple and gentle.

-Oh, you're in one of your romantic moods again.

That's been the trouble all along.

Since when did you go for the gentle act? Remember the bed lamp?

-Ann is everything a man could want in a wife.

-RATTLING

Can't you get an office with better plumbing?

I want to bring her to Lake Placid to visit next weekend.

Maybe we're being too hasty. We'll make reservations for the children for then.

I don't want to seem too harsh. We'll try and forget this.

RATTLING

-How do you do?

-Is it too late to go skiing?

-You could get two hours in after lunch.

-Hurry, Jeff.

Oh, Mr Custer, your parents rang.

They're on an excursion and won't be back until late tonight.

-The snow has blocked the roads.

-I see.

-What floor are we on?

-Your rooms aren't here.

-No?

-They've been changed to one of the cabins.

-That's funny.

I'm sure you'll find it satisfactory. More privacy.

-They're often preferred.

-That's OK, Jeff.

-How far is it from here?

Half a mile. The sleigh brings you back and forth for meals. Gives you quite an appetite.

-Er, they're not connecting rooms, are they?

-No, they're separate suites.

-We'd better have lunch first.

-Boy, they're in Cabin McKinley.

-Each cabin is named after a president.

-Oh, very patriotic!

SLEIGH-BELLS JINGLE

Mm, clean, cold air.

I love the smell of snow!

-No-one can smell the snow.

-I can!

It isn't snow.

-Those two bags go in one room and the rest in the other.

-Yes, sir.

Mm!

-Ooh-ooh-ooh!

-Don't catch cold now!

-Here, boys.

-Thank you, sir. Phone when you want to go to dinner.

-Fine.

-The sleigh service and phones are discontinued after 10pm. We try to make this a real retreat.

-Suits me!

A man has no right to ask anything more beautiful.

-Someone else has the other suite.

-Well, I'm glad of that.

Well, on with our skis!

-Why, it's David.

-What are you doing here?

Oh!

-Oh, he's fainted!

-I wonder what's happened.

-He's terribly ill!

-His pulse is even.

Don't let him soak here. Carry him inside.

-Right.

-Oh, easy, Jeff. Easy, Jeff!

Ann, would you hold his arms?

-But you've got his...!

-No, his arms, sweetie.

Let me see now.

-Ann, you hold his legs, huh?

-All right.

That's fine.

Too heavy for you, honey?

No. I guess I better go first.

Oh, easy, Jeff.

-Mind the steps, honey.

-Yes.

Set his legs down, honey.

-Let's rest a minute.

-Mm.

-All right?

-Yes.

Now we've got him!

Easy. I better go first.

-Mind the stairs now, honey.

-Yes.

All right.

Careful!

Attagirl!

-In here, Jeff.

-In here?

-Yeah.

Mind the chair.

Phew!

I'd better go first. Right, swing him, honey.

1...2...3!

This is his room.

-He doesn't seem to be breathing!

-Don't worry, Ann. Control yourself.

-He's blue with cold.

-He's breathing fine now.

-Maybe a little brandy?

-No, I think that's what did it.

-I can see he's been at it all week.

A few hours sleep will bring him round.

-Think so?

-Mm-hmm.

-We'd better get his wet clothes off.

Come on, old man.

We will go away the first two weeks in December.

-The first two weeks in December.

-What's he saying?

We were supposed to come here then.

You'll be crazy about it, Ann.

He must have been here the whole week torturing himself. He shouldn't have come here.

-Playing in the snow, we'll have a lot of fun.

-Let's get these wet things off him.

Look out! Look out!

You'll fall.

He thinks we're skiing.

You're very graceful, Ann...

..but don't go so fast the next time. I don't want you to hurt yourself.

Isn't that terrible?

Look out! Look out for that tree!

-Ann, I think you better go to your room now.

-Why?

-I want to get him undressed.

-Go ahead!

Well, I-I...

Oh.

If you need me, call me.

The first two weeks in December.

-You should take a walk to feel better.

-He might get delirious again and want water.

He's sleeping like a baby. There's nothing we can do for him now.

I think I'll look once more.

DOOR OPENS

-(He's asleep.)

-MUTTERS

He's trying to say something.

The first two weeks in December...

What's he saying?

He's still at the first two weeks in December.

He's opened his eyes.

Hello, David.

Hello, David.

Hello, Ann.

My, he is in bad shape!

Don't you remember me? This is Ann...Annie!

This is Jeff, your old school chum.

I'll never forget you in that little blue dress.

That's the dress I was wearing when we first met. The one I told you about. The one he tore.

He liked me in that.

I think we ought to let him rest a while.

GURGLES

-That isn't a rattle, is it?

-I don't think so. I wish I could hear it again, though.

GURGLE

No, he's just clearing his throat.

He looks awful.

-He needs a shave.

-That's what I was thinking.

-We'll send for a barber tomorrow.

RUNNING WATER

-Are you expecting me to shave him?

-No, I can do it.

Only a barber can do it. It's a difficult job.

-I've always shaved him.

-You've shaved him?

-Mm-huh.

He's going to speak!

No.

-That barber's just ruined his skin.

-Boy!

-Boy, I want a shine.

-He thinks he's in the barber's shop.

-Look, he's lifting his hand.

-He wants a manicure.

-What shall I do?

Maybe we better humour him. Hold it.

-Do you think we're doing the right thing?

-We mustn't shock him.

-He thinks I'm a manicurist, doesn't he?

-Mm-huh.

He's squeezing my hand.

He'll ask you for your phone number next(!) Can you get me his lotion?

Sure.

Sit down, Ann.

You know...

A woman can't control herself entirely by her head,

which is probably why we love you.

You and David have had three years together.

There's still a bond between you two. It's not easily broken.

-People get divorced.

-It's true I think you'd be better off with me.

But then I'm prejudiced. My first wish is to see you happy. It's possible - more than possible -

as peculiar as David is, you still couldn't be happy without him.

This is what I'd like you to do.

Take back your promise to marry me and think about it for a few days.

If you find you can't go on without David, I'll wish you happiness.

-That's very kind of you. Should we check on him?

-It'll wake him up.

I'll see if he's still asleep. I'll look through the window.

I will never forget you in that little blue dress.

Little blue dress, eh? You've been found out, you beast!

-I should have known.

-Look here, Ann...

-Big sympathy act, pretending you're on a bat!

-But I love you, Ann!

-You pick up and get out of here. I never want to lay eyes on you again!

-Get your hands off me!

-Ann, I know you're in love me.

-I know you're crazy.

-You're mine and you belong to me.

-You couldn't have anything to do with that pile of southern fried chicken.

-That's what you think!

You couldn't let him lay a hand on you. I know you. Not after me.

No? He's going to lay a hand on me. We're going to get married!

OK, then. I've been thrown out of my own home and threatened by cops,

chased around in taxis and neglected my job only because I loved you and wanted you back again.

Now I'm finished. It's washed up.

Go ahead and marry the guy.

I hope you'll be very happy.

Well, you heard!

He liked me in that little blue dress.

-Jeff, will you marry me?

-I'd be honoured, Ann.

But is it wise to decide in anger?

-Even at a time like this, you're thinking of him?!

-No, your happiness is my concern.

I'm not good enough for you.

You're making me the happiest man in the world.

Let's go and have some nice dinner now. How about some nice southern fried chicken?

Yes.

Hello? Hello, is that the porter?

What's the first train I can get back to New York? 10:30?

All right. Have a sleigh up here half an hour before, will you?

-I thought it was a very nice dinner. didn't you?

-I wasn't very hungry.

Hope he has the decency to leave tonight.

David? He won't stay around when he's not wanted. I bet he's gone by the time we get back.

You know why he keeps chasing me?

He's such an egotist, he can't bear the idea of someone else kissing me.

He won't believe I'm marrying you.

-Well, he'll have to, after we're married.

-Mm.

Brrh! It's cold. Tell the driver to go faster.

Driver, straight to Cabin McKinley. Take the short-cut if there is one.

-You know, I'm worried about him.

-Who? Oh, David, yes.

-He'll really take to drinking from now on.

-Oh, I don't think so.

He'll find someone else. David's the type to remarry.

I'm so afraid he'll ruin his life on account of me, spoil a brilliant future. He is brilliant, you know.

If I could only disillusion him about me, make him hate me, do something!

If he'd only hate me. That would be the solution. Listen, those walls are paper-thin. He hears everything.

Why, Ann, what are you suggesting?

-Well, it's a wonderful idea! Hurry, driver, hurry!

-Yes, ma'am.

Ssh!

-Goodnight, Jeff.

-Goodnight, Ann.

-It's a wonderful thing you're doing.

-It'd be on my conscience otherwise.

-Goodnight.

-LOUDLY:

-Come on in, Jeff!

It's early yet!

-ECSTATICALLY:

-Ah, Jeff! Jeff!

Oh, put me down, Jeff!

Put me down this instant!

Now, Jeff!

Now, you know I've had enough to drink, Jeff, and so have you.

-CRASH

-Oh, Jeff!

Oh, Jeff, are you hurt? Ssh! Don't talk so loud. I'll help you up.

Ohh!

Mm! My, aren't you strong!

GIGGLES

My, what a heavy shoe it is, Jeff.

Jeff!

Oh! No!

No! Jeff, what are you doing?

Unless you stop, Jeff, I'll have to ask you to leave!

Jeff! Behave yourself.

You haven't even got any pride. I only did this so you'd realise it was all over between us.

There's only one way to handle you.

Let go of me! JEFF! Let go of me.

Jeff, I'm not acting! This is real. Come in, Jeff!

Come in, Jeff! Jeff!

Hit him, Jeff!

-I don't need it.

-Do you want to make anything out of it?

I forgive you, David.

You're not going to hit him?!

Ann, you're so attractive, I'll take it for granted

other men less disciplined will always take liberties with you.

-Violence shows a lack of character.

-You mean you're not going to do anything?

Would you respect me more if I knocked him down?

Would I? You big blubber! What kind of a man are you?

How can you be in love with someone and let his happen?

Let's not say things in anger we'll be sorry for.

-Haven't you any self-respect?

-Surprise!

-Isn't it wonderful here?

-Having a good time?

-You're raising your voice.

-Ha!

-Certainly I'm raising my voice!

I thought you were a gentle girl.

Very gentle. How do you think I got this?

I forbid you to marry this...woman.

You forbid him to marry me?

Listen, you stuffed shirt. Even a mouse has enough backbone to fight sometime!

You can teach a monkey to take his hat off in an elevator.

I'll take a mouse or monkey anytime,

whether he's a dipsomaniac who beats his wife or a lump of jelly like you!

(But I'm not taking you!)

Why not get a girl guide and go camping together?

Oh, let me out of here before I forget I'm a lady.

You have just seen her in one of her quieter moments(!)

What are you doing?

There is no transportation and I'm going to the lodge.

That's ridiculous. Why not spend the night here?

Not on your life!

How you going to get there? You can't ski.

If necessary, on my hands and knees.

You're not doing me any favour by staying here. I'd just as soon you get out.

We see eye-to-eye.

In fact, I'll help you get out.

-Ow!

-Sorry.

Thank you.

I'm warning you, I'll kill you in cold blood!

Some time, some day when your back is turned, I'll stab you!

I'm telling you. Don't you try anything!

David, get me out of these! Get me out!

David!

Get me out of these or I'll break every bone in your body! DAVID!

Oh! Oh...

Mm, David! Oh...

David!

Ohh...

David!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd