School for Scoundrels

DOORBELL RINGS

-Mr Potter?

-Come in, you're late.

I'm sorry.

The, erm, the train.

Punctuality is the politeness of princes, Mr Potter always says.

Mr Potter is just starting his beginning-of-term speech.

You'll have to wait.

..with which sentiment I'm sure you will agree.

You all know that in the beginning,

there were Adam and Eve.

You'll remember that Adam bit into that apple,

at which moment the first loser was born.

LAUGHTER

Yes, the pattern was set, and the world divided,

not into male and female. Oh, no, no, no.

That's just a mere superficial division of minor importance.

No, gentlemen, there is another division,

another dichotomy,

more basic, more profound. At that fateful moment,

the world was divided into winners...

and losers.

Top men...

and underdogs.

In a word, the one-up...

and the one-down.

Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes,

I can see the question in your hungry eyes.

You want to know, what IS lifemanship?

Well, gentlemen,

lifemanship is the science of being one up on your opponents

at all times.

It is the art of making him feel that somewhere, somehow,

he has become less than you -

less desirable, less worthy...

..less blessed.

Who then, you ask, are your opponents?

Everybody, in a word, who is not you.

And the purpose of your life must be to be one up on them,

because, and mark this well,

he who is not one up...

is one down.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in!

Potter?

Yes.

They sometimes call me Mr Potter, but...

I beg your pardon.

I'm Mr Henry Palfrey.

Ah! Sit down, Palfrey.

Well? Tell me all about yourself, Palfrey.

Well, it's like this, Mr Potter...

Have a cigarette, Palfrey.

Thank you, Potter.

You don't mind my cigar, do you, Mr Palfrey?

Not at all, Mr Potter.

Thank you, Henry. Ha-ha!

My round, I think.

What do you mean?

Never mind, we'll talk about that later.

Now tell me, what first prompted you to enrol in the college?

Well...

frankly, Mr Potter,

I'm a failure.

No.

You'll have some tea with me, won't you, Palfrey?

-Thank you very much.

-So, you want to be a success.

Well, I think we can help you.

But first, I like to have a clear picture of the background

-of every student. You're in love, of course.

-How did you know?

Thank you, Alice. Have a muffin, Palfrey.

Thank you.

-Blonde?

-Erm...no, with lemon.

The young lady... is she a blonde?

Oh, I see!

Er, well, not quite.

That could be serious.

Now, let's begin at the beginning.

How did you first meet this not-quite-blonde young lady?

Well, it happened on Tuesday.

Or was it Wednesday?

Yes, Wedn... No, it wasn't, it was Tuesday.

I was on my way to the office in the morning as usual.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Of all the stupid, awkward...

Clumsy?

..clumsy idiots. Ugh!

I say, I'm most terribly sorry.

Sorry? Is that all you've got to say

when you knocked me down like a wild...

-Uncivilised?

-..uncivilised...

-Savage?

-Sava...

-No, not really.

-Oh, but I am.

Yes, I am permanently uncivilised, I'm...

-Oh!

-What's the matter?

-My beautiful new stocking's ruined.

-Oh!

-I'll probably sue you.

Oh, I do wish you would. I'm fully insured, you know.

Personal, property, accident, medical, all that sort of thing. Just take your pick.

No, thank you, but it's very nice of you to offer.

-Look, give me those, I'm going to be late for work.

-Under no circumstances.

You're probably shaken or bruised.

-The least I can do is to carry them for you.

-But then you'll be late for work.

-Work? Oh, work! That old thing!

-Well, you do work, don't you?

Well, of course, I do, but they can do without me for a while.

-I'm a...well, I'm an executive.

-Oh!

-So, the later the better, really.

-Yes, yes, of course.

I say, are you sure you don't want to sue me?

-Absolutely positive.

-Yes, well, erm... what about the stockings?

I'll let you into a secret. They weren't new, anyway.

Well, perhaps they had some sentimental value?

Not really enough to sue for.

Pity, really.

SHE CHUCKLES

-Do you always come this way to work?

-Yes, yes, I do.

Someone's coming.

OK, it's only the boss.

HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY

Good morning!

CRICKET COMMENTARY ON RADIO

-What's the score?

-Shhh, I can't hear.

Sorry.

Miss Stevens! Miss Wilson! Appleby!

Yes, if times were normal,

you'd all take a week's notice, but as times are regrettably abnormal,

I shall have to content myself with a severe reprimand

on my return from Mr Henry's office.

Meanwhile, back to your desks.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Good morning, sir.

Ah, the very man I wanted to see.

Would you book a table for me at the Camellia Room

for tonight for two, for nine o'clock?

The Camellia Room, sir?

I'm taking someone to dinner.

Taking or being taken, sir?

Taking.

Your late uncle always used to say that the best place

for taking was the Hampshire Buttery, sir.

A very satisfying meal for seven and sixpence.

Here is the morning's business, sir,

which I had ready on your desk at nine o'clock,

but removed to a place of safety pending your arrival.

Thank you, Gloatbridge.

Are there any decisions, or are they just signatures?

I think we decided that it should be just signatures, sir,

since you inadvertently...

Yes.

You will remember, I feel sure, sir, just why we decided

it should be just signatures and not decisions.

-Of course.

-Yes.

Perhaps these painful memories are best forgotten, sir.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yes, speaking.

Douglas, old man!

What?

Tell me, what time is the match on Saturday?

Hmm?

I'm not playing?

I must say I'm a little surprised, yes.

Well, who's in?

Walter?

But good gracious me, I can beat Walter any day of the week.

It was 6-2, 6-3 last time.

Hmm?

Well, listen, Douglas,

you know I've got absolutely nothing against Walter,

in fact, he is, well, he is one of my best friends,

but it's just that I've been looking forward to the game.

I've made all my arrangements. Yes, Douglas.

Yes, I appreciate that, but...

Yes, Douglas.

Yes, of course.

Goodbye.

Oh, Douglas!

My regards to Walter.

Your morning newspaper, sir.

Hmm? Oh, yes.

And just to start you off, sir,

number 23 across is castles in Spain.

Oh, erm...

you won't forget that booking, Gloatbridge?

The Hampshire Buttery, for two, at nine.

The Camellia Room, for two, at nine.

Very well, sir.

And number 13 down is Cleopatra's Needle.

Good evening, madam.

Good evening, sir.

-Good evening, sir.

-Good evening.

-Madam.

-Good evening.

-May I take your coat?

-Thank you.

Good evening.

-There we are. Shall we go in?

-Oh, yes.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE CLAPS

-Yes?

-Palfrey.

-Yes?

-Table for two.

I'm sorry, no table is free.

-Good evening, milady.

-Good evening.

Number 27.

-I thought you said you'd booked.

-Yes, I did.

Erm, excuse me, I booked.

-Oh?

-Erm, Palfrey. Henry Palfrey.

-Well, there's no-one here of that name.

-Palfrey.

P-A-L-F-R-E-Y.

My chief clerk booked it for me.

May I see that list?

If you please, sir.

He must've have booked at another restaurant.

-Maybe if you gave him something.

-Yes, of course.

Erm...

Do you think, perhaps, you... might have another look?

-And what did you say the name was, sir?

-Palfrey.

We have a Mr Poultry, here, sir, table for two at nine o'clock.

That's me, Mr Poultry. Ha-ha! nine o'clock, Henry Poultry.

Unfortunately, sir, it's now 9.15,

and tables aren't held beyond the booked time.

If you'd care to wait, I'll see what I can do for you.

Of course.

But look!

There's a table over there.

How discerning you are, madam.

But you see, it's that gentleman's table.

Hail, good innkeeper!

-Hello, Sam.

-Thank you, sir.

Rose.

-Good evening, Mr Delauney.

-Evening, Skinner. Hello, Ray!

Oh, hello, er...

Palfrey.

Hello, hello, hello.

Where did you find this lovely creature?

Oh, we met quite by accident, as a matter of fact.

I was trying to catch a bus and April was...

Well, do the decent thing, old chap. Fellow club members and that sort of thing.

Yes, of course. Mr Raymond Delauney, Miss April Smith.

What a romantic name.

"Oh, to be in England now that April's here."

How do you do?

How do you do?

You two chaps finished dinner already?

We haven't even started. We can't get a table.

Oh, fiddle-de-diddle.

-Skinner, my guests.

-Certainly, sir.

Now, tell me, you lovely creature...

Oh, Palfrey, look after Skinner, there's a chap.

Thank you, Mr Delauney.

-Oh!

-I'm so sorry, I beg your pardon.

Sir.

Oh, later, later. We'll order the wine first.

I always feel that the food should be chosen

to suit the wine, rather than the other way, don't you?

-Here you are.

-Thank you very much.

Erm...number 93 looks...

That little vineyard in the Loire Valley,

-across the road from Pouilly.

-Carcajanette?

-That's it.

-The '49, of course.

-Well, if all the '47 is gone.

-Very good, sir.

Merci.

Number 93 looked pretty good to me.

Really?

Carcajanette isn't expensive - it's an honest little wine,

especially if it's allowed to breathe for a while,

unless, of course, the grapes have had too much of the

Dordogne wind, in which case they have a tendency to sulk.

-I think you'll like it.

-I'm sure I will.

And now for the fodder.

Monsieur.

-Monsieur.

-Ah, splendid.

-Shall I order for all of us?

-Oh, yes, please do.

Thank you, but I'd like to see what there is.

Waiter!

What is tortue Nicoise?

Fried turtle.

The brain of the calf.

The liver of the chicken.

The legs of the frog.

The hoof of the mountain goat in jelly.

Tomatoes.

Perhaps you HAD better order for all of us.

Thank you.

Waiter.

-Tell the chef Mr Delauney would like to see him.

-Oui, monsieur.

I simply gritted my teeth to hide the excruciating pain,

and played the next three sets on strategy,

determination, and one leg.

How wonderful.

Isn't that wonderful, Henry?

Mm, wonderful.

I play a fair game of tennis myself, you know.

-Oh, do you...?

-Oh, yes, I remember once...

Oh, yes, he does. Very fair game.

As a matter of fact, you can see it for yourself.

Palfrey, why don't you invite our little lady

to see you play for the club on Saturday?

-Could I?

-Erm...

Well, the fact is they seem to have decided...

Oh, yes, I did hear something about that.

-Hard cheese, old boy.

-They say Walter has improved enormously.

Still, there's no reason why our little lady shouldn't see you play. Why don't you and I have a go?

I'm not playing for the club either...the old leg, you know.

Well, if your leg's still troubling you...

Oh, no, it's really quite all right for a friendly game.

We mustn't let a minor thing like that deprive April

of the pleasure of seeing you play, must we?

Just don't tell Sir Humphrey.

My doctor.

Three o'clock?

And you must both consider yourselves

to be my guests afterwards.

-Your guests?

-Oh, I insist.

It's only fair seeing that I've been your guest this evening.

We'll wait for you in the lobby.

Sorry.

My gloves, please.

Thank you.

Yes, erm...

Yes, well, er... thank you very much.

Good night.

Taxi, sir?

Erm, no, no, erm...no, thanks.

I thought you might like to take a little stroll. Ha-ha.

-So nice out tonight.

-Yes, of course.

I'd like to offer you both a lift, but I've only a two-seater.

That's the most wonderful car I ever saw!

The new Bellini 3.6.

I could offer one of you a lift.

No, thanks. We'll walk.

Pity - nice night for a drive,

wind through the hair, all that sort of thing.

Yes, well, good night, Delauney.

Good night, Mr Delauney.

It's been so nice meeting you.

The Earth shook tonight.

You know, I've often thought of buying a car, but...

Well, then I think,

silly, really.

Buses and undergrounds and...

taxis, erm...

Buses and things.

Yes, I suppose it would be a bit silly, really.

-CAR HORN WHISTLES

-I say!

I've just had a brilliant idea.

Why don't I pick up our young lady and drive her to the club tomorrow?

Save her the bus fare.

That won't be necessary.

-You're in the book?

-Uh-huh.

-2:30?

-Delauney!

Don't mention it, old chap, any time. Splendid!

ENGINE REVS, CAR HORN WOLF-WHISTLES

She takes the eye, doesn't she?

She certainly does.

-May I try the horn?

-Certainly.

Dudley, gentleman would like to try the horn.

The horn? Oh, yes, certainly, sir.

HORN BLASTS

Yeah, it should give them a fair warning.

Ha-ha-ha!

HORN BLASTS

Beautiful tone, mellow, more mellow than anything.

HORN SQUEAKS

I've got a temporary flex in there.

It's not really wired for excessive use.

Oh, yes, one of the old-type exhaustible horn,

runs on the helical friction principle.

-Oh, what's that?

-Too complicated to explain.

I mean, either you know, or you don't.

-Is she fast?

-Is she fast? Timed around Silverstone, 112.73 miles per hour,

-and yours truly at the wheel.

-And I drove her from Doncaster to Newport, Monmouthshire,

in 2 hours 17 minutes. That's an average of over 70 per.

Oh, but that's impossible.

Not with the four-litre Swiftmobile - twin OHC, you know.

The pioneers of hemispherical combustion chambers, these people.

Well, name me one manufacturer what brought it out previous.

Oh, well, I don't really know. What year is she?

With this sort of car, age is really of no account.

Between you and me, she's a little late for my taste.

If I didn't know the car, I'd have my doubts.

1922 was a really big year.

Erm, how about spares?

HE LAUGHS

Spares? You never need them, my man.

Well, is the company still in existence?

They went out of business because they were too good.

You'd never find this kind of quality

-in a company that survived the Depression.

-Never.

-Never!

Well, I was toying with the idea of buying a new Bellini.

Can't get them into the country, old boy. The Bellini's a good motor

if you have Bellini mechanics around,

-but is it worth the hard cash you have to lay out?

-No!

Now, with the old Swiftmobile, she may lose a few inches in sheer getaway,

but open her up on the Great West Road

and you have that lovely soothing roar that will...

How can I call it? ..that swish of wind, that beautiful gentle yell

of the old type of high-point bevel transmission.

When you drive her, you know she's there.

I mean, take that gearbox.

You get the coarse rasp as you change down,

and then the familiar deep-throated grind as you move away.

And a real wonder, the brake snatch adjusted really hard...

Not hard, Dunstan, solid.

A really solid drive.

What are you asking for her?

-Dirt cheap, a sacrifice, sir.

-Can't be repeated.

The property of a Maharaja.

The, er, Maharaja of... Fawzigadore,

nephew of the cricketer.

Erm, what are you asking for her?

We had new wheels made to fit all the tyres.

Look at the stuff that's gone into that, sheer metal.

-Yes, but what are you asking for her?

-Well, we're just getting down to that.

-Actually, we're selling at a loss.

-We spent 750 nicker on her.

-Pounds, Dudley.

-Pounds.

-Oh, but that means...

-Not necessarily.

We like our cars going to good homes, like dogs.

So we're prepared to sell at the ridiculous figure of £725.

Oh, I couldn't possibly.

-715, making £715.

-I'm sorry.

Ah, you're weakening, you've fallen in love with her,

-like we did at the start, remember?

-Remember? Oh-ho-ho-ho.

700.

-Well...

-695 guineas, and that's the rock bottom.

-All right.

-Done.

-Start the car up for the gentleman, Dunstan.

-Yep.

Make the cheque out to bearer, if you don't mind.

And please don't cross it, sir, it confuses our books.

ENGINE CHUGGS

CAR BACKFIRES

May 21st.

Hmm? Oh, yes.

OPERA PLAYS ON RADIO

There we are.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you, sir.

-Well, she's all yours.

-Here's the logbook.

-Hop in.

-Oh, thank you.

Now, there's one point to remember.

Don't hang on to the gear lever after you've changed.

She's liable to kick back.

Don't worry about your exhaust fumes, it's quite normal. HE COUGHS

And when you apply the foot brake,

it is advisable to apply the handbrake as well.

And the floorboards work on the pivot principle.

-It's liable to give you a start when you're not used to it.

-Oh!

Well, thank you both very much indeed.

GEARBOX GRINDS

-Bon voyage!

-See you again!

GEARBOX GRINDS

CAR BACKFIRES

CAR BACKFIRES

GURGLING

ENGINE SQUEAKS AND BANGS

ENGINE KEEPS RUNNING

HE COUGHS

ENGINE STOPS

GURGLING AND BANGING RESUMES

-I say, I'm frightfully sorry I'm late, April.

-Oh, that's all right.

It's very pleasant sitting out here in the sun.

That's all settled. Shall we play?

Erm, yes, of course.

Could I drive you home after the game, April?

-Drive?

-I have a surprise for you.

-You haven't bought a car?

-Mm.

-Get a move on.

-Er, yes, of course.

-Erm, would you care to come down with us?

-Mm-hm.

Thank you.

-Call.

-Rough.

Smooth.

I'll take this end.

No need to change, is there?

All right.

My serve, then.

-I'm afraid I am a bit out of practice.

-So am I.

Would you like 15 start or shall we play level?

Level!

-Good luck.

-Ah, no partisanship, little lady.

Wish Palfrey good luck, too.

Aren't you standing rather close to the net?

-No, it's my game. I move back for the second.

-All right.

Hard cheese!

Aren't you going to move back a bit?

No, I've changed my mind.

Hard cheese! 0-15.

Hard cheese!

Out, but I'll take it.

-Hard cheese!

-Good shot.

-What is it?

-0-30.

Didn't deserve it. Rotten stroke.

Hard cheese!

-Oh.

-Hard cheese!

0-40.

Service.

Ready.

Out! Hard cheese!

Oh!

So sorry.

Oh, I say, smashing cricket stroke.

Well, that's... 1-0.

-Sure you wouldn't like that handicap?

-No!

-Were you ready?

-Not really.

-Ready now?

-Right.

Good shot, Henry.

Thank you, April. Oh! Oh!

Hard cheese!

15-0.

-Ready?

-Right!

WERE you ready?

-Did you say yes?

-Yes!

30-0.

Pretty spin you put on them.

No, not really. Court's a bit uneven.

-Oh!

-My game. And set.

Sorry to keep you waiting, dear girl,

but we had to get our friend Palfrey here patched up a bit.

-Ready to go?

-Yes, erm, shall we go?

Of course, your new car.

I didn't think you'd get one so soon, Henry!

GURGLING AND CLANKING

SHE LAUGHS

What on Earth's that?

Looks like a Polish stomach pump.

Let's go and look at it.

SHE LAUGHS

What sort of an idiot would drive a thing like this?

Yes, what sort of an idiot...

Henry, is this...?

Oh, no, no, of course not.

I wouldn't be fool enough to buy a car like that.

Well, where is yours?

Er, well, it doesn't appear to have arrived yet. I...

Well, you can't expect Miss Smith to hang around all day, can you?

Oh, I don't mind waiting.

No, no, no, it doesn't matter.

Delauney is quite right. You mustn't wait.

-But I...

-No, no, no, I insist, really.

Splendid!

I know a little place down by the river

-where we might have a swim. Do you like swimming?

-Mmm.

Splendid!

I know a charming little pub

where we might have some dinner afterwards.

ENGINE STOPS

ENGINE FAILS TO START

And that's how it happened.

In fact, that's how everything always happens,

and then I saw your advertisement.

Well, what you've just told me amounts to this -

that you find yourself constantly in a one-down position

to the world in general,

and to this young female in particular.

Oh, well, before we go any further,

I think I ought to mention the little matter of fees.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Yes, well, these vary, of course,

according to the needs of the individual,

rates of progress and so on, but in all cases,

we ask for a registration fee of £250,

paid in advance, of course.

This fairly substantial sum is the first psychological process

we bring to bear on the student to encourage him

to associate himself with...

with the effort.

It is, in fact...

Well, it's part of the treatment.

I see.

Oh, well, erm...

I'd better write you a cheque.

I'm sorry I haven't a pen.

It's all right.

That's a very handsome one of yours. May I see it?

No, no, no, when you're finished.

Now, I hope you notice that I do not stand hovering over you

with a pen ready whenever I want you to sign a document

in my favour. On the contrary, I get you to use your own.

Erm, excuse me. Could I...?

-What?

-The pen.

Well?

Could I have it back, please?

Of course.

-Sorry.

-Ah, you're sorry.

That was lesson number two.

I managed to make you feel apologetic and somehow mean

by forcing you into a choice

between losing a valued possession

or indirectly accusing me of trying to steal it. D'you see?

-I see. Yes.

-Good, good.

Well, Mr Palfrey, I think you're about ready

to start the course in earnest. Let me see now.

-Yes, you are just in time for the partymanship class.

-RINGS BELL

Good afternoon, Palfrey.

Good afternoon.

-Oh, erm, thank you for the tea.

-Ah.

Now, one of the basic areas in which a lifeman

must put his lifemanship into play is the social gathering,

or, as it's sometimes called, the party.

Sooner or later during the party,

one person begins to dominate.

That person must be you.

Does anybody know an amusing story?

-I do, sir.

-Good.

Well, suppose this were a party,

and suppose that Dingle here has been having rather a success

with his fund of amusing stories. What would the lifeman do?

Leave, and go to another party?

No, Fleetsnod.

The true lifeman would rather die first.

He stops the flow.

To demonstrate...

Dingle, tell us your amusing story.

Well, there was this chap,

had a bit too much to drink, if you know what I mean.

Well, sir, he finds himself walking home

with one foot on the kerb and one foot on the road.

Looks down and says,

"My word, that's funny. When I left home this morning,

"they were both the same length!"

LAUGHTER

Very good, Dingle.

Most amusing.

Where did I leave my pipe?

Sir!

I'm most terribly sorry.

I'd no idea.

It's quite all right, Dingle.

You couldn't have known about this old war wound of mine, could you?

-No, sir.

-Feeling bad, Dingle?

Feel like telling another story, Dingle?

You see, gentlemen, the flow has been stopped.

Out!

Now, what's your move?

Did you say in or out, sir?

Well, I thought it was out.

But would you care to have it again?

No, just in future,

would you kindly state in a loud and clear voice

whether the ball is in or out?

Hmm, you're getting it, Palfrey.

Now, suppose you are completely outclassed,

and your one chance is in taking your opponent's eye off the ball

-and keeping it off. Go on. Let's see what you do.

-Hmm? Right.

I'm so sorry!

Sweaty hands.

Is it bleeding much?

Let us assume that Proudfoot here has made a break of eight

and looks as if he is going on to make eight more.

Erm, would you mind?

Just a minute.

That's better.

Are they bothering you at all?

Who?

Dingle and Brazier?

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

Shhh!

Bad luck, Proudfoot.

Four to me.

-KITTENISH VOICE:

-You mean you do your own cooking?

Oh, yes, and washing-up and all that.

Well, it's quite fun, really.

-Henry?

-Mm-hm?

You have a hole in your sock.

Oh, I'm afraid I'm not very good at darning yet,

but I'm learning, you know.

Oh, poor Henry!

It's not right for you to do your own washing and cooking.

I wish I could come and do it for you.

Oh, I do wish you would.

How would tomorrow evening suit?

-MATRONLY VOICE:

-That's fine, Mr Palfrey, fine.

You're ready to move on to the next class.

Thank you, Mrs Grimmet.

Well, Palfrey, having used various ploys

with which you are now familiar, let us imagine that here she is

alone with you in your flat.

Her little heart a-flutter and a-tremble.

What then is your next move? Well, we have a little gadget here,

which we developed in our early days at Yeovil.

CREAKING

Ah, there it is.

What your follow-through might be is no concern of mine.

However, it has two serious disadvantages.

First, it smacks a little of impatience, hmm?

And secondly, it is by no means inexpensive.

So, except for our wealthier and less patient students,

we recommend a subtler and more economic ploy.

Well, now, I'll try to give you an example

of what might happen if luck is on your side.

You offer her a drink, which we'll assume she accepts.

A reasonable assumption.

So, let's imagine that this glass is filled to the brim

with some refreshing liquid.

Having made sure that the part she is going to hold it by

has been treated so that it is very, very slippery indeed.

-Why?

-Because, Palfrey,

we are hoping for the best of all possible accidents. Barbara.

-Ooh!

-Ha ha ha! Palfrey,

your luck is in, look, it has worked.

The glass has slipped out of her hand

and she spilt the stuff all down her dress. You, of course,

are frightfully upset, but the main point is

you cannot let her stand around with a wet dress on now, can you, hmm?

No, of course you can't, so being a gentleman,

you offer her your dressing gown while her dress is drying,

and that, I think, places you quite definitely one up.

If not more.

According to just how much of a gentleman you are.

Well, Palfrey, the dressing gown!

Palfrey, the dressing...

-Palfrey!

-Hmm?

Oh, er, yes, dressing gown.

Well, gentlemen, having delivered myself of these

qualified congratulations, I think you are now ready to

move on to the second phase of our work.

From the theory to the practice of lifemanship,

or, as we say here at Yeovil, to the field trials.

Each of you in turn will now proceed to the archives room

where you will find photographic records

of all known anti-lifemen,

and from these you will select your opponents,

and, under the guidance of an instructor,

proceed into the outside world, there to cross swords with them.

Come along, Palfrey, you first.

It's him, that bloke we sold the Swiftmobile to.

-What? Is he alone?

-He's got the car with him.

I say, sir.

-Yours?

-Yes, yes.

Do you mind if I look inside?

-Thanks.

-There we are.

How about that for an engine, eh?

Marvellous job.

-He's waving to us.

-No, he isn't. He's shaking his fist.

The, erm... When you get round the other side,

look as if you're making me an offer, will you?

-Anything you say.

-Come and have a look at the altimeter.

I don't suppose you'd part with her, eh?

Ah-ha-ha! No, no, no, no.

I've had so many offers for this car, I can't tell you.

-But I'm not selling.

-Do you mind if I, er...?

No, no, no, help yourself, by all means, have a good look around.

Good morning, chaps.

Thought I'd bring the old girl back to show you.

-We never guaranteed anything.

-No, you can't touch us. We're insured.

What did you say you got out of her? 112?

I never said anything. Dunstan let her out.

-He's not good at figures.

-I had her up to 115.

-What?!

-Ha! On Western Avenue. Easy.

Raced a brand-new Jag all the way from Northolt to Ealing.

You know, I honestly believe you chaps don't know what that car really is.

She's a Swiftmobile 1924.

-You really believe that?

-Yeah.

I mean, you had no idea what it was you were selling me?

Always collects a crowd, she does.

She's not a Swiftmobile 1924. She's one of THE Swiftmobiles, 1925,

a supercharged Ravalli model.

Oh, superficially like a run-of-the-mill '24, I grant you,

but, ha-ha, one look at the valve seats...

Didn't I tell you, Dunstan?

I don't get it. Will you talk English?

Of course, I had a bit of trouble with her at first.

You chaps had been trying to run her on ordinary petrol.

She takes a petrol-meths mixture like the old Borottis.

And then the multi-hydro nuts on the brakes were all oiled up,

and the special two-way camshaft was bent.

Ha! No wonder the steering was all to pieces, ha!

So, I've had her stripped right down and...

well, now I reckon that car is practically priceless.

In fact, I've already been offered almost three times

-what I gave for her by Brassy Digger.

-The racing driver?

He had her round the track at Silverstone, lapped at 121.7.

I said to Dunstan. Didn't I, Dunstan?

I said, "I'd like Mr Palfrey to have that car,

"cos he'll know how to handle her, he'll appreciate her."

Yes, that's right, that's why we let you have her cheap.

We like our motorcars to go to good homes, like dogs.

Brassy's coming round here, as a matter of fact, see if you can try and get him one.

Oh, I told him it was absolutely useless.

Only six of them ever made.

Still, you know him, when he's set his heart on a thing,

he's prepared to pay... oh, anything.

Mind you, once you've driven a car like that...

well, you have driven it. There's no getting away from it.

And what an experience it is!

Well, I must be getting along.

Wait a minute, Mr Palfrey, don't be in a rush.

I've been thinking about that car.

It is a shade big for town work.

-Oh, I don't know.

-Yes, that's right, sir

That'll be more for a racing driver, like Mr Digger.

I was saying to Dunstan, wasn't I, Dunstan?

-You were, Dudley?

-I was saying I'm worried about Mr Palfrey having that car.

I'm worried about him parking it in town.

I'm worried about him being stopped for speeding.

I mean, have you tried driving her under 40, that's all I am asking, have you tried?

Yes, you want something smaller. Something like this, for instance.

More your type of thing altogether.

We can do a straight swap, nothing in the books.

You're not seriously suggesting I should trade a Swiftmobile for one of those?

New one, mind you. Ex-works.

No, no, Dunstan, complete with engine.

-THEY LAUGH

-Oh, come, gentlemen.

Why, I could sell it to Brassy myself.

-Ah, a new car and ten pounds.

-Guineas.

A new car and 100 guineas would be nearer the mark.

-It's a deal.

-Do you want it in cash?

Now, don't rush me.

I shall probably finish up by doing something I regret.

Maybe she is a bit large for town.

-Cash, did you say?

-Cash.

-It's a deal.

-Done! Dunstan, open the door for the gentleman.

-Thank you.

-There we are.

-And believe me, sir, you've made a very shrewd move.

-Excellent!

-The ignition key.

-Thank you.

-Log book's in the pocket.

Thank you, gentlemen. Give my regards to Brassy when you see him,

and don't forget! One of petrol, two of meths.

It's all theirs now, sir. Make them an offer.

I'm sorry, sir, this car is not for sale.

Oh, lucky I'm not interested.

ENGINE GURGLES

CAR BACKFIRES

EXPLOSIONS

Make yourself comfortable.

Mr Gloatbridge, could you come in here for a moment, please?

Unusually early this morning, Mr Henry.

-You know very well the mail isn't sorted until...

-I'm not interested in the mail.

Would you kindly come in here and bring the cash ledger with you?

Yes, Mr Henry.

-You just talk a lot of high finance and figures...

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come!

-Some figures.

-Thank you.

-Capitalisation...

-Just one moment.

-12.5?

-Very reasonable, I should say.

THEY MUTTER TO EACH OTHER

Ah!

Er...cigarette, Mr Gloatbridge?

-I haven't smoked for ten and a half years.

-No?

I've practically given it up myself,

but I still find it helps me at, erm...difficult moments.

You sure you won't change your mind?

No, thank you, Mr Henry.

Gloatbridge... What would you think about a merger with ACI?

A merger, sir? With the biggest firm in the city?

Mr Henry, you can't be serious!

Probably nothing will come of it. I haven't decided yet.

But I've been having some discussions on a very high level

these few weeks I've been away.

Sir John Carruthers, the chairman of ACI, seems very keen.

I can only say, Mr Henry,

that I don't think your uncle would've been very keen.

My uncle, Gloatbridge, being dead, is hardly in a position

to express an opinion, nor is he in full possession of the facts.

-May I see that ledger?

-Really, Mr Henry, I always understood

that no major policy decisions

would be taken without consulting me.

I've been with this firm for 32 years now,

and that's a very long time.

32 years. Have you really?

That is indeed, as you say, a very long time, Gloatbridge,

perhaps almost...

Oh, well, may I see the ledger?

Thank you. Just get me last year's as well, would you?

Yes, Mr Henry.

Not bad, not bad at all. I liked the merger idea,

and I also enjoyed the suggestion that I was Sir John Carruthers.

Though the Chairman's name happens to be Abe Spoonforth.

I see you can't use kid gloves with a man like Gloatbridge.

I suppose, you know, there's an obvious move now.

I know. A slight addition...

..here?

Well, of course.

Thanks to your interpolated accountancy class.

Ah. Erm, Gloatbridge,

I may be wrong, but...

just check that total for me, would you, please?

-Yes, of course.

-Don't hurry. Take your time.

GLOATBRIDGE COUNTS IN WHISPERS

That's very odd, I...

-I seem to make it...

-283?

I...I can't understand it.

But the total entered here is...273. In your handwriting, I believe.

-Correct me if I'm wrong.

-But there must be some mistake.

I've never made an error like this

in all the years that I have been with...

Never mind, Gloatbridge, we're all of us human, after all.

I'm not going to suggest that I should check the figures daily.

I still have confidence in you. I want you to understand that.

But I think perhaps that I should keep a firmer grip

on the financial side of the business in future. Would you agree?

Oh, yes, of course, Mr Henry.

But I feel I ought to apologise, I don't quite know what to say.

Don't worry, Gloatbridge. Cigarette?

Oh, thank you, sir.

Now, about this projected merger,

erm, don't mention it to the rest of the staff.

If it happens, it might mean, erm...changes.

I quite understand, Mr Henry.

Ah, yes. Now, I must phone ACI.

Give me a line, would you, please?

Thank you.

Hello, ACI? Boardroom, please.

Hmm? Oh, it's you, Delauney.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Henry Palfrey here.

Oh, that stupid girl on the switchboard

told me it was the ACI call... No, no, just a moment.

There was something I wanted to talk to you about.

Ah, yes, are you free for a return match on Saturday?

Gloatbridge? Right, thank you, thank you.

Hmm?

HE LAUGHS

Yes, I suppose I am a glutton for punishment.

Yes, yes, do. That's very kind of you.

I've never ridden in a Bellini.

No, don't worry. I'll be ready.

Quarter to three.

Goodbye.

GLOATBRIDGE COUGHS

What's up with the boss this morning, Mr Gloatbridge?

Mr Henry and I have been discussing important policy matters at a very high level.

I am not at liberty to say any more.

-Oh, Gloatbridge!

-Mr Henry.

We'll go into that little matter in greater detail tomorrow.

Yes, of course, Mr Henry, certainly. Anything you wish...

-Good morning, sir.

-Miss Stevens,

fetch me all the ledgers for the past five years.

Miss Wilson, bring me up the adding machine, and...

Appleby, get me a cup of tea.

CAR HORN WOLF-WHISTLES

Hello! What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?! We said quarter to three, didn't we?

Quarter to...

Oh, my dear fellow, I'm so sorry!

I forgot all about it. I'll be down in a flash.

Don't be long, we're picking April up on the way.

-April? April who?

-Miss April Smith!

All right, down in a minute.

CAR HORN WHISTLES

Coming!

En garde!

CAR HORN WHISTLES

HENRY WHISTLES IN REPLY

-So sorry, old man.

-At last. Come on.

I say, what a beautiful day!

For Pete's sake, hurry up! We're late for April already.

Oh, don't worry, she won't be ready. You know women. Ha-ha!

-Ooh! I've forgotten something.

-What?

Er, my shoes. I won't be a moment, won't be a moment!

-Here we are. All present and correct.

-Get in.

-Oh, just a moment.

-What is it now?

My racquet. Er, hang on. Um...

Did I leave it at the club, or is it upstairs under the bed?

-Under the bed?!

-I'd better go and look, just to make sure.

Look, get in, you can borrow mine.

-But what are you going to do?

-I've got two.

But I can only play with a 16-ounce, and I know your old one is...

Well, you can use my new one. Get in!

Well, that's very decent of you, old boy.

Thank you very much.

I say, you did see that light, didn't you?

I saw the light perfectly.

-You did say April Smith, didn't you?

-Yes, I did.

-Has she moved?

-Why?

Well, if she's still in Oakshades Avenue, you've taken the wrong turning.

Quickest way was to take the last turning left, then first right over the railway bridge.

-Are you sure?

-Yes, honestly. It takes minutes off it.

I should turn around, if I were you. Here.

-No, wait a moment. Better still, go left, then left again.

-There?

Wait a moment. Hang on.

The second...

No, no, no, no, the third on the right, here.

That's it.

I think.

Turn right. Mind that tree!

A tree in the middle of the road.

-Are you sure you know the way?

-Positive.

Turn right, then bear left at the waterworks.

TYRES SCREECH

That's the idea.

-I say, I'm terribly sorry. I...

-Sorry?

Trouble is, I'm only used to this shortcut after dark.

-After dark!?

-By the way, did I say turn left at the waterworks?

-Yes, you did.

-Oh, I am a fool, I meant right.

Why couldn't you keep your ruddy mouth shut and let me go my way?!

But this way is far quicker, old chap.

THUD

Oh, I say, bad luck!

New paintwork, too.

-She didn't wait.

-Women. They're all the same.

All that rush for nothing.

I must say, I'm looking forward to trying that new racquet.

ENGINE STALLS

What on Earth was that?

-Can I help, old man?

-It's the exhaust.

-Oh, bad luck.

You know, it must've happened when you bashed into that brick wall.

Have you got a piece of string?

CAR CLATTERS

-Well, we made it.

-No thanks to you.

Whose is that car? I haven't seen it here before.

-Er, oh, it's mine, actually.

-Yours?

-Yeah.

-What's it doing here?

-Er, oh, I had the racing heads taken off.

I knew you were picking me up anyway, so I asked the garage to deliver it here.

Shall we go?

Ah! We've got court two, I see.

All right, I'll get some balls, you get the racquets.

-Aren't you going to change?

-Mmm? Oh, only my shoes.

I always think it's a bit pompous

to dress up in whites for a friendly game, don't you?

Oh, I say! You're putting it on a bit, old man, aren't you?

Oh, Mr Delauney. I was just going to give your court to the General.

-It's 3:30, you know.

-Sorry, Carpenter.

-3:30, sir, see that?

-Sorry, sir.

But Palfrey wasn't quite ready when I made the call for him.

Don't try to put the blame on someone else, sir.

The court was booked in your name and you're 30 minutes late.

-That's all I want to know.

-Carpenter, complaints book.

Thank you very much.

-Right, call.

-Rough.

Rough, it is. Oh, lucky!

-Side or service?

-Oh, I'll serve.

All right, well, I'll take this side.

-You'll have the sun in your eyes.

-Well, we're changing, aren't we?

-Huh.

-I say!

-Hmm?

-Shut the gate, old man, would you?

-Shut..?

-Is the net all right?

-Mm?

Er, would you like it a little lower?

I'm ready.

I say!

I've just seen the General over there talking to the Secretary.

Do you think I ought to tell him it was my fault we were late?

No!

Right.

No!

Bad luck. 0-15.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, bad luck! 0-30.

-Have it again.

-It was out!

Well, I honestly couldn't see.

The sun was in my eyes. Could quite easily have been in.

-Have two more.

-It was out!

All right!

Oh!

Oh, bad luck! Awfully good serve, though.

0-40.

Hard cheese!

1-0.

I say, this is a wonderful racquet.

Your service.

Fault!

-Sorry.

-But yours was in.

-Was it?

-I thought it was a fault.

-It was well in.

-Well, I couldn't see.

-I'd have thought you'd have shouted if it was in.

-Oh, have it again.

Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't have got your return, anyway. 0-15.

-Have it again.

-No, no, no, honestly.

I insist that you have it again!

Oh, all right.

BALL WHIPS PAST

Oh, bad luck!

I feel really bad about that one. 15-0.

CONVERSATION MUTED

5-0.

I say, old chap, I feel I've got rather an unfair advantage.

I do wish you'd swap racquets.

I'm perfectly happy with the one I've got.

No, no, no, I insist. After all, this one is yours.

Let me have a shot with that old one. Ha-ha-ha!

Gently, now!

Don't know your own strength with that racquet.

15-0.

Hello, April! 30-0.

April, I can explain everything. We lost our way and...

There's nothing to explain. You were late, and that's that.

Oh, do get on with your game.

-Lovely day, Henry!

-Beautiful!

-But, April...

-30-0.

-Good shot, Henry!

-40-0.

April, you must listen to me. I called for Palfrey...

Young man! You, sir!

Are you or are you not using this court

for the purpose of playing tennis?

I booked this court for four o'clock, it's one minute to.

-40-0.

-Oh, nuts!

And we don't tolerate filthy language in this club, sir.

Match point!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Well played, sir!

Well played! Ha-ha-ha!

-Well, shake hands, sir.

-Shake?

Not me, you fool!

One thing I can't tolerate, a bad loser, unsportsmanlike.

-Well played, young man.

-Thank you, General.

-Best man won.

-Thank you, sir.

April, April, let's get this straight, I...

You're playing much better today, Henry.

-What was the score?

-Oh, just one set to me.

-Didn't have time for any more.

-I mean the score in games.

Oh, it's not important, really. After all, it was only a friendly game.

-It was 6-0. Now, April...

-Well, thank you, Raymond. I enjoyed that.

And many thanks for the loan of your racquet.

-You mean to say you beat him playing with a borrowed racquet?

-Oh...

-No!

I mean, yes. Well, not exactly.

But, April, I can explain the whole thing.

Raymond, I've already told you - there is nothing to explain.

But there is, damn it!

Language, old man, language. Ha-ha!

Oh, just forgotten the balls. Erm... Look, go on, will you?

Join you in a couple of seconds. Ha-ha!

-How well do you know Palfrey, anyhow?

-I beg your pardon?

Well, why is it he only knows the short cut to your house in the dark?

I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about.

-Congratulations, my boy. You rather excelled yourself. In fact, you have passed with honours.

-Thank you, sir.

It was changing the racquets that did it, just as he was getting used to the feel of the old one.

Well, I take it you're eager to get after the young girl?

-That's right, sir.

-What I am about to do is usually done in more formal circumstances, you understand?

But, fortunately, provisions have been made for it to be done in the field,

where emergency so dictates. So, just stand where you are, Palfrey.

Take your hands out of your pockets.

Now then, Henry Palfrey. By virtue of the power vested in me as founder and principal

of the College of Lifemanship at Yeovil,

it gives me great pleasure to award you this Certificate of Lifemanship.

-Now, bend your head.

-Mm?

-Bend your head, Palfrey.

-There, that's all, my boy. Congratulations.

-Thank you very much indeed, sir.

Nonsense, my boy. You deserve it. As a matter of fact, I've never said this to a student before,

but I was wondering if you'd consider giving up this girl,

and instead joining me at Yeovil?

Oh, that's terribly flattering, sir,

and don't think I don't appreciate it, but...

-I'm afraid not, sir.

-No, I didn't think so.

-Well, up and at her, Palfrey.

-Yes, sir.

One last piece of advice, Palfrey. I take it it's your intention

to go out there and lock horns with this other fellow

-about driving the girl home?

-Well, I was going to go...

Once you've got your opponent on the ropes,

surely you're in the perfect position for calling into play

the calculated indifference ploy?

Best summed up by a paraphrase of the old nursery rhyme,

"Leave her alone and she'll come home, wagging her tail behind her."

You really think the neglected gambit is the one to use?

-Tried and true.

-I've just had a thought, sir.

-What if she doesn't like me?

-Well, that's a detail.

Some of the most successful marriages are made up of people who scarcely talk to each other.

-Well, good luck, Palfrey.

-Thank you very much, sir.

-Three guineas, please.

-Three guineas?

-Well, we use only the best parchment.

-Oh, yes.

Really, my dear, it isn't necessary for you to try to make me jealous.

-I'm quite your devoted slave, as it is.

-Raymond, I've already told you -

I was not trying to make you jealous.

You're a dear little storyteller, and I absolutely adore you.

What have you done to your car?

I had a bit of an accident, actually.

-Were you hurt?

-No, it shook me up a bit.

I... Put me off my game, I'm afraid.

-Raymond, I'm so sorry. I...

-Ah, there you are.

I... I've asked Carpenter to phone the garage, Raymond.

-I said you'd had an accident. I thought it sounded better.

-Better than what?

Well, it's a bit embarrassing to admit you backed into a wall in broad daylight, isn't it? Cheers.

-Aren't you coming with us?

-Oh, no.

Two's company, you know.

Dear sweet girl, do you realise how close you came

-to suffering the consequences of your little game?

-Mm?

-He might have accepted and we should have been stuck with him.

-What are you...?

-Now, don't worry, little kitten, I would've saved you and got rid of him.

-Saved me?

And let that be a lesson to you, my sweet.

You mean...? Now, just a minute.

-In the first place, I am not your sweet.

-Oh!

In the second place, despite what you might think,

I genuinely meant that invitation, and I'd have been delighted had he accepted.

In the third place, I have never met such a smug,

self-centred, conceited...

And in the fourth place, goodbye!

Oh, Mr Delauney, the garage people will be here shortly.

Who is that man? He's not a member, is he?

-Oh, no, sir. He came in today as a guest of Mr Palfrey's.

-What?

-Are you sure?

-Oh, yes, sir.

As a matter of fact, I saw them behaving in the most peculiar manner

-on the croquet lawn just now, sir.

-Really? Thanks.

Where to?

Anywhere.

I should think you could use a drink, couldn't you?

Yes, I could. Thank you.

Oh, that smug, conceited...

-Bore?

-Yes, bore.

Follow that bus!

I should change before we go out for that drink, shouldn't I?

-Do you mind if we stop off at my place for a moment?

-Of course not.

There we are!

Look, this may sound a bit Victorian, but...

if you'd prefer to stay here, I'd quite understand.

You are sweet, Henry.

-Look, why don't we have that drink in your flat?

-Fine!

There we are.

Oh, Henry!

-How nice and cosy.

-Thank you.

-Erm, sit down?

-Thank you.

-Now, then...

What's it to be? Whisky?

-Fine.

-Good.

-Soda?

-Please.

-Cheers!

-Thank you. Oops! Ooh!

Oh, I am sorry! Oh, look at the sofa.

-Never mind my sofa, what about your dress?

-It's terrible. I'm awfully clumsy.

You can't very well sit around like that, can you? You'll catch your death! Erm... I know. Just a minute.

There. Now, why don't you pop into that,

and I'll dry your dress in front of the fire?

Oh, I really don't think I ought...

Then you can tell your Uncle Henry all about it.

Uncle Henry?

Yes, well, I suppose I better had.

Good. Give me a shout when you're ready.

You are kind and thoughtful, Henry.

Mrs Stringer?

Henry Palfrey here.

When you have a free moment, could you pop up here, please?

Thank you, Mrs Stringer.

You can come in now!

Splendid!

Now, then, we'll just pop these things

on the chair in front of the fire.

They should be dry in no time at all. That's it.

-How do you feel?

-Fine, thanks, Uncle Henry.

Good. Let's get you another drink, shall we?

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS