The Happiest Days of Your Life


The Happiest Days of Your Life

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BIG BEN CHIMES

0:00:020:00:06

-Excuse me, could you tell me the way to Nutbourne College?

-You must be the new English master!

-Yes.

0:01:580:02:03

-Richard Tassell.

-My name's Billings. I teach Maths.

0:02:030:02:07

The carriage should be without. Hello, Rainbow, old scout!

0:02:070:02:11

-Aye, aye, sir.

-How was Mon Repos, Southsea?

-Middling, sir.

0:02:110:02:14

-This is Mr Tassell, the new English master.

-Pleased to meet you.

0:02:140:02:18

Keep on the right side of Rainbow. He runs the school and knows the country.

0:02:180:02:21

Black-market whisky, butter, eggs, anything at a price, right, Rainbow?

0:02:210:02:25

Times are difficult, sir.

0:02:250:02:28

-Is this your first appointment?

-Yes.

-Ex-service?

-Army.

0:02:290:02:32

Pond interviewed you, I suppose. What did you make of him?

0:02:320:02:35

-He seemed quite pleasant.

-He's bats. You're going to loathe it here.

0:02:350:02:39

That's a fine way of introducing me to it(!)

0:02:390:02:42

Oh, I see you've been putting in a spot of work on the garden for a change, Rainbow.

0:02:520:02:57

It's Mr Pond, sir. He's been on at me and Edwin all the week. "Clean this up. Paint that."

0:02:570:03:02

-Hasn't given us a moment.

-Must be expecting a gaggle of parents.

0:03:020:03:06

There are six cottages in the village, a pub and a post office.

0:03:060:03:10

We are now entering the main hall of the noble pile.

0:03:100:03:13

According to history, it goes back to Henry VIII.

0:03:130:03:15

According to the bank, it goes back to THEM,

0:03:150:03:18

unless Pond keeps up with his payments.

0:03:180:03:20

-Fine old staircase...

-Mmm.

-..but you have to climb it 20 times a day.

0:03:230:03:27

And this is the common room. Haven from howling kids and the back parlour of our domestic life.

0:03:290:03:34

You'll find your evenings here rollicking(!)

0:03:340:03:37

Matthews - he's the second master - plays a good hand of ecarte.

0:03:370:03:40

-Joue here suffers from insomnia.

-JOUE SNORES

0:03:400:03:44

Takes French and he plays backgammon...when he's awake.

0:03:440:03:47

-I'll introduce you to him later.

-What about you? What do you do?

0:03:470:03:50

Football pools. I once won 30 bob.

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-It's led me astray ever since.

-HORN PLAYS A TUNE

0:03:530:03:56

-What's that?

-Hyde-Brown. Known to the natives as Whizzo.

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He's the sports master. He's the only chap who isn't really affected by this place.

0:03:590:04:03

Oh, I'm sorry if I'm painting a gloomy picture.

0:04:030:04:06

Oh, hello, Ramsden. This is Tassell, the new English master.

0:04:060:04:10

How do you do?

0:04:100:04:12

How do you do?

0:04:120:04:14

He's the science master. We call him the Ghost of Nutbourne.

0:04:140:04:18

Ha! How are you, Billings, you jaundiced swine?

0:04:180:04:21

Oh, had the devil of a journey. Thought I'd never make it.

0:04:210:04:25

Nearly ran out of juice. Must get old Rainbow to get me some more petrol coupons.

0:04:250:04:29

Hello? Hello. That you, Joan, dear?

0:04:290:04:33

Look, get me Ashfield 69.

0:04:330:04:35

-I'm not going to pay what he asked last term - seven bob a gallon.

-This is Tassell, the new Englisher.

0:04:350:04:40

-Victor Hyde-Brown.

-Oh, how are you, old boy? ..Hello?

0:04:400:04:43

Hello? That you, Alf? Vic here. Look, what won the 4.30? ..Oh.

0:04:430:04:47

What was second and third? ..Oh. Did...Winter Cottage run?

0:04:470:04:51

-Oh, thanks. ..Just my luck.

-I say, Tassell, you can have this cupboard.

0:04:510:04:57

What's that ass Pond been up to?

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This place hasn't had a coat of paint since they took photographs for the prospectus.

0:04:580:05:03

I say, you chaps, take a butcher's at these.

0:05:030:05:05

This is a little job I ran across in a joint in Montmartre. She comes from Birkenhead.

0:05:050:05:09

The one with the advanced ideas - that's Jeanne.

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-Won't you ever grow up?

-I hope not. That's Yvette. What a scorcher.

0:05:120:05:15

-It's l'amour, old man.

-You'll gather Brownie is interested in a wide variety of sports(!)

0:05:150:05:20

-There you are, Billings. I expected you earlier.

-You're not going to run through the Second XV fixtures

0:05:200:05:25

-or anything of that sort? What is it?

-I put a notice on the board. Mr Tassell, I take it?

0:05:250:05:30

-How do you do?

-How do you do?

-I'm Matthews, the second master.

0:05:300:05:33

-You'll find us a very happy family here.

-Since when?! What is it on the board, Matty.

0:05:330:05:37

-Really, it's only three yards. Mr Pond wants to go to tea today.

-Tea?!

0:05:370:05:41

-That's the first time. What's the idea?

-I haven't the remotest notion.

0:05:410:05:45

It's about 5.30 and I saw Mrs Hampstead going in with the tea about two minutes ago.

0:05:450:05:49

We have no alternative but to investigate this strange phenomenon. Let's go.

0:05:490:05:53

-Oh, do you want...wary Willy?

-Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!

0:05:530:05:57

And before term's started. Monsieur Joue. Wake up, Monsieur Joue.

0:05:570:06:01

-Wake up!

-J'aurai, tu auras, il aura...

0:06:010:06:04

He hasn't had Rainbow and Edwin working for nothing. If Pond's dishing out a free bun fight,

0:06:040:06:09

-there's something brewing apart from tea.

-Maybe he's getting married and wants to impress the lady.

0:06:090:06:14

The day Pond exchanges a smile with a woman, I'll dance the hornpipe naked on the village green.

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-And as for anything in this dump impressing anyone...

-HE KNOCKS

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Come in, gentlemen, please.

0:06:240:06:25

POND LAUGHS

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Excuse me. Tea is served.

0:06:270:06:29

POND CHUCKLES

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Mr Tassell. Welcome to Nutbourne. Delighted to have you join us.

0:06:340:06:39

My colleagues, I'm sure, will tell you all you need to know about the school. Right, Billings?

0:06:390:06:45

Sit down, gentlemen, sit down.

0:06:450:06:48

Lend me a hand with the tea, will you, Billings, please?

0:06:480:06:51

Well, I hope you all enjoyed your vacations. Come in Matthews, Joue.

0:06:510:06:55

Here we are all once again back in harness.

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And I, for one, can say that I'm...I'm not sorry.

0:06:580:07:01

Sit down, Ramsden.

0:07:010:07:03

Yes, it's 15 years almost to the day since I first... ..Don't forget the sugar, Billings.

0:07:030:07:08

15 years since I came here.

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And I must say it's 15 years that I shall look back on with a very deepest affection.

0:07:110:07:16

There'll be many more to look back upon before you and Nutbourne part company, sir.

0:07:160:07:21

I appreciate that sentiment, Matthews.

0:07:210:07:23

But I'm afraid it's a...a pleasure that may not be granted to me.

0:07:230:07:26

-Oh, come, sir!

-Ha-ha, yes!

-Are these crumpets?

-I don't know(!)

0:07:260:07:30

As a matter of fact, that is why I've asked you all to come here.

0:07:300:07:33

There is a distinct possibility that I may be translated to a higher sphere.

0:07:330:07:38

Not your heart again, sir?

0:07:380:07:40

My heart is perfectly all right, Billings.

0:07:400:07:42

-No, I've been urged to consider an appointment elsewhere.

-No, sir!

0:07:420:07:46

-Yes, the headmastership of Harlingham.

-But that's a decent school. One of the majors.

0:07:460:07:50

This is a shock. I hardly dare think what would happen to Nutbourne if you left.

0:07:500:07:55

It would be a tremendous wrench for me, too, Matthews. Oh! Crumpets it is.

0:07:550:08:00

Plates, Billings.

0:08:000:08:01

But, Matthews, that the call of duty comes before even that of affection.

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And the call of duty would be stronger at Harlingham, sir?

0:08:050:08:09

I have always felt that the highest aim of a teacher

0:08:090:08:12

is to sow the seeds of knowledge of ever wider, more fertile fields.

0:08:120:08:16

We're a comparatively small school here

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and, judging from recent examination results, not abundantly fertile.

0:08:190:08:24

Give Joue his tea, will you, Billings, please?

0:08:240:08:28

Which brings me to my second point. The governors of Harlingham

0:08:280:08:31

-will shortly be visiting here to study my methods.

-Then you haven't cornered the job yet, sir?!

0:08:310:08:36

The problem is a mutual one, Billings. Will Harlingham suit me?

0:08:360:08:41

-Will I be equal to Harlingham?

-Mmm, crumpets are nice, sir.

-Thank you, Matthews.

0:08:410:08:46

I'm sure with your co-operation and perhaps a little...a little extra effort,

0:08:460:08:50

we can show the governors of Harlingham that our school is every bit as good as... Ramsden.

0:08:500:08:55

Will you please sit down?

0:08:550:08:57

Oh, and bearing this in mind,

0:08:580:09:00

Mr Joue, do you think you might contrive to spend a little more of the day with us?

0:09:000:09:05

Thank you, Joue. And you, Billings...

0:09:050:09:08

Billings, do you think you could devote a little more of your time to obtaining class results

0:09:080:09:13

and a little less to trying to forecast the football variety, hmm?!

0:09:130:09:16

Good.

0:09:160:09:18

And talking of football, Hyde-Brown, I seem to recall that last year,

0:09:180:09:23

our first XV lost 11 out of the 12 matches.

0:09:230:09:25

-POND CHUCKLES

-Might I suggest in your case a little more of the coach,

0:09:250:09:30

a little less of the Coach and Horses?

0:09:300:09:32

-Oh, I say, that's a bit of a reflection, isn't it, sir?

-Come, come, come!

0:09:320:09:36

You mustn't think, gentlemen, that I make these comments in a spirit of carping criticism.

0:09:360:09:41

-DOOR OPENS

-On the contrary.

0:09:410:09:44

Begging pardon, sir,

0:09:440:09:46

would you mind telling me how many new boys there is this term?

0:09:460:09:48

Rainbow, you know better than to interrupt my conferences!

0:09:480:09:51

I gave you a note this morning. We're expecting TWO.

0:09:510:09:54

You may be expecting two, sir. You're going to get 102!

0:09:540:09:58

See Mr Matthews about it later and go away now, please! ..I'm sorry.

0:09:580:10:01

"217 trunks, 217 tuck boxes", it says here.

0:10:010:10:07

"Invoice 7348", er... "British Railways".

0:10:070:10:12

I'm not in the least concerned about what the British Railways think it is.

0:10:120:10:16

It's a mistake. Take it away and forget about it!

0:10:160:10:19

You can't hardly forget 217 trunks and tuck boxes, sir.

0:10:190:10:22

This is worse than teaching algebra to the remove.

0:10:220:10:25

It's only on paper, man. On paper!

0:10:250:10:27

-Take a look at the drive, sir.

-Drive?!

0:10:270:10:30

-217 trunks and tuck boxes!

-Uh!

0:10:300:10:34

217?! Good gracious!

0:10:360:10:39

And all correct too, sir. I counted 'em.

0:10:390:10:42

This is what comes of nationalising the railways.

0:10:460:10:49

The fellows don't know their LMS from their Southern Region.

0:10:490:10:52

Instead of the ordinary muddle, we've complete chaos.

0:10:520:10:55

You and Edwin will have to send those trunks that don't belong to us back to the station.

0:10:550:10:59

-How do I know which don't belong?

-Check the register.

0:10:590:11:02

If there's any clash about names, you can tell by the initials.

0:11:020:11:05

Here we have a D Johnson. Now, we have an A Johnson, but no...

0:11:050:11:09

But this is addressed to "St Swithin's,

0:11:090:11:11

-"Nutbourne College, Nutbourne, Hants".

-There's another St Swithin's here, sir.

0:11:110:11:15

I suppose this isn't some fourth-form prank?

0:11:150:11:19

I don't offer this as a solution, sir, but a letter came this morning

0:11:190:11:23

addressed to the Secretary of St Swithin's.

0:11:230:11:25

-What did you do with it?

-I marked it "unknown", returned it to the Ministry.

0:11:250:11:29

-The Ministry?! The Ministry wrote to St Swithin's HERE?

-Yes, sir.

0:11:290:11:34

And you didn't open it? Oh, no, of course not.

0:11:340:11:36

-Excuse me, sir, but I may be able to offer a helping hand here, sir.

-Oh?

0:11:360:11:41

You know the postman's supposed to clear the box in the hall at midday?

0:11:410:11:45

-Yes, well?

-Well, as a result of an arrangement between him and me,

0:11:450:11:48

I've been in the habit of taking the post to the village for him.

0:11:480:11:51

-And today you haven't?

-Not yet, but, er...I've got the key, sir.

0:11:510:11:56

I see. Then the GPO don't receive the letters

0:11:560:11:59

-until you hand them over in the village post office.

-Er...pub, sir.

0:11:590:12:02

That poses a pretty problem as to when exactly the letters

0:12:020:12:05

-become the property of the Post Office.

-It's not a problem I intend to go into too deeply.

0:12:050:12:10

"The attached form E.43 should also be signed by a responsible representative

0:12:100:12:14

"of the school whose premises are being shared."

0:12:140:12:16

"Whose premises are being shared"?!

0:12:160:12:18

What on earth could have happened? "Name of school to be re-evacuated..."

0:12:180:12:22

Re-evacuated?! What on earth's re-evacuated?!

0:12:220:12:25

-Someone's written against it "St Swithin's".

-That's them.

0:12:250:12:28

-"Destination Nutbourne College, Hants."

-Us.

0:12:280:12:31

-"Date of arrival, 17th September..."

-Today.

0:12:310:12:34

But it can't! I mean, it can't!

0:12:340:12:36

I'll get on to this Government department at once.

0:12:360:12:39

Whitehall 1312, please. ..If anyone should send a school here without first consulting me -

0:12:390:12:44

-it's outside the bounds of possibility.

-Shall I stop Rainbow

0:12:440:12:48

-taking that luggage to the station?

-Certainly not. If the...

0:12:480:12:51

Hello, I want to speak to the Schools Resettlement Department, please.

0:12:510:12:56

I beg your pardon? But there must be somebody there.

0:12:560:12:59

Put me on to somebody somewhere else.

0:12:590:13:02

Nobody?!

0:13:020:13:05

It's fantastic(!)

0:13:080:13:10

It's absolutely fantastic(!)

0:13:100:13:13

They've closed the office and gone home.

0:13:130:13:15

So, at any moment, we may expect 100 extra boys.

0:13:150:13:18

Well, I must talk to Mrs Hampstead at once.

0:13:180:13:22

100 extra boys. With staff, I presume.

0:13:220:13:25

Not even a postcard to let us know they're coming.

0:13:250:13:28

Nothing we can do about it until I talk to someone in the morning.

0:13:280:13:32

We've barely enough space for our own boys.

0:13:320:13:34

-You rang, sir.

-I did.

0:13:340:13:36

-Mrs Hampstead, you will prepare to receive 217 boys.

-Pardon?

0:13:360:13:41

117 of our boys and 100 from another school.

0:13:410:13:44

-I see.

-The...the other school will remain for one night only.

0:13:450:13:49

Now, let me get this clear, sir. I'm to expect 217 boys tonight?

0:13:510:13:56

-That's right. There's only one way to deal with a crisis like this. First...

-What are they going to eat?

0:13:560:14:01

Mmm? Well, they'll have what we have, of course.

0:14:010:14:03

-Well, if they have it, we won't.

-Do you mind if we deal with first things first?

0:14:030:14:08

With small boys - that comes first.

0:14:080:14:10

Where are they going to sleep? There's no room in the dormitories,

0:14:100:14:13

so...we'll have to find somewhere else. At Harlingham,

0:14:130:14:16

I'll be dealing with far greater numbers of boys. This might prove a blessing.

0:14:160:14:21

-That's one way of looking at it!

-Yes! ..Well, I propose we make a tour of the school.

0:14:210:14:25

With a little application, we can settle the whole problem.

0:14:250:14:28

-Shall I get Rainbow to unload those trunks?

-Oh, yes. I'd forgotten all about them. Come along, everybody.

0:14:280:14:33

Oh, Matthews, as to bedding, we've all those straw palliasses we used in summer camp.

0:14:330:14:38

-I'll have Rainbow get 'em out.

-Sir, while you're running around,

0:14:380:14:42

I'll slip down and break the good news to cook.

0:14:420:14:44

Mrs Hampstead, we are faced with an emergency.

0:14:440:14:47

-I expect the staff to rise to it.

-They'll rise all right(!)

-Good.

0:14:470:14:50

Phew! I don't know how it's ever going to get as far as the station.

0:14:500:14:55

No! How long did it take you to load that lot?

0:14:550:14:58

-Oh, 25 minutes.

-Well, you've got a chance to beat it. You've got to unload it again.

0:14:580:15:03

-Huh?

-St Swithin's is coming to stay for the night.

0:15:030:15:05

-You're not speaking in earnest?

-That's the strength of it, sorry.

0:15:050:15:09

Phew!

0:15:090:15:10

Somebody must have gone barmy.

0:15:110:15:14

100 bloomin' extra kids first day of term!

0:15:140:15:17

Your turn to do the shoes.

0:15:190:15:22

-The staff sleeping problem presents some difficulties. Whose room is this?

-Hyde-Brown's and mine.

0:15:220:15:28

Pleasant little room. Now, let's see,

0:15:290:15:32

do you think we might put two more beds in here, hmm? Any difficulties?

0:15:320:15:36

None, except how to get into bed.

0:15:360:15:39

You're not adopting a very helpful attitude, Billings.

0:15:390:15:42

We're obliged to offer the school our hospitality. I suggest we do it with grace.

0:15:420:15:46

It's not too much to ask you to share your rooms with the staff.

0:15:460:15:49

We won't find suitable accommodation for their headmaster.

0:15:490:15:52

If you are looking to me to give you a lead, Billings, I must say that I should be only too glad

0:15:520:15:57

to share my room with my opposite number in St Swithin's.

0:15:570:16:00

As I expected - an ancient mausoleum.

0:16:060:16:09

Topping grounds for the Guides and Brownies to muster in.

0:16:090:16:12

-The mustering of the Guides and Brownies is not our only activity, Miss Gossage.

-No.

0:16:120:16:17

If there are any dorms facings south, Miss Jezzard, see that our girls get them.

0:16:170:16:21

The infant animal needs space to breathe and blow.

0:16:210:16:24

-We could settle the whole thing quickly by sleeping the kids two in a bed.

-End to end.

0:16:240:16:29

We've the parents to consider. We must appear to give them value for their money.

0:16:290:16:34

-No, I'm afraid we must seek other fields for St Swithin's.

-That's a thought.

-Mmm?

0:16:340:16:38

Fields, sir.

0:16:380:16:41

I'm quite sure, Hyde-Brown, your ready wit must make you exceedingly popular in the fourth form.

0:16:410:16:46

Heavenly place.

0:16:500:16:51

I never heard of anything like it!

0:16:520:16:54

Mr Pond may think he's obliging someone, but he's not obliging US. We're not slaves.

0:16:540:16:59

Nobody said you were. BELL RINGS

0:16:590:17:01

-The front door bell's ringing, Milly.

-Oh, let it ring. I shall speak to Mr Hyde-Brown about this.

0:17:010:17:06

Evidently not on their toes.

0:17:060:17:09

We'll try our luck inside.

0:17:090:17:10

Well, a tap on that gong should bring them from their burrows.

0:17:160:17:20

Yes, Miss Whitchurch.

0:17:200:17:22

LOUD BONGS

0:17:230:17:25

A tap, Gossage. I said a tap.

0:17:250:17:28

You're not introducing a film.

0:17:280:17:29

We're not getting on very fast, gentlemen.

0:17:290:17:32

-There are still 60 boys to accommodate.

-GONG SOUNDS

0:17:320:17:36

Matthews, find out who's ringing that gong. If it's one of the boys, give him 100 lines.

0:17:360:17:41

There must be somewhere else. Uh...

0:17:410:17:43

The attic.

0:17:430:17:45

We can't bumble around here all day. ..What's in there?

0:17:450:17:49

It's another sort of hall, Miss Whitchurch.

0:17:490:17:53

I seem to detect an odour of last term's cottage pie.

0:17:580:18:02

A-hem.

0:18:150:18:17

Yes, well, when Rainbow has cleaned all this up, there ought to be room here for about, ooh, 60 boys.

0:18:180:18:24

-What about air, sir?

-Air?! Oof! Let me see now. Well, if we open this skylight...

0:18:240:18:29

Mmm! Well, I dare say it will open. And keep the hatch wide, there ought to be a nice through draught.

0:18:290:18:35

I'm wondering more and more what's in store for us, Gossage.

0:18:350:18:38

It's a perfectly ghoulish atmosphere. The sunlight seems quite out of place.

0:18:380:18:42

No polish on the stairs or banisters, and dust everywhere!

0:18:450:18:49

Whatever else they teach here, it certainly isn't housecraft.

0:18:490:18:53

Are you in the habit of writing your name all over the place, Gossage?

0:18:580:19:01

-No, Miss Whitchurch.

-Then kindly stop doing it at once.

0:19:010:19:05

SHE KNOCKS

0:19:090:19:11

Well, the mistresses' common room, I assume.

0:19:110:19:15

Huh. Cold comfort farm by all appearances!

0:19:150:19:18

And billiards!

0:19:190:19:21

How very strange.

0:19:230:19:25

No tips.

0:19:260:19:28

Huntin', shootin' and fishin', it seems.

0:19:280:19:31

"Wetherby Pond, 1939".

0:19:320:19:35

But no mention of who caught it.

0:19:350:19:37

Probably bought at auction.

0:19:370:19:39

Boxing!

0:19:400:19:42

-Self-defence, I suppose.

-Well, doesn't surprise me

0:19:420:19:45

after reading the school motto.

0:19:450:19:47

-No.

-Heavy smokers, too. No signs of lipstick. That's astonishing.

0:19:480:19:53

Cards?!

0:19:530:19:54

The Racehorse?!

0:19:550:19:57

Gaming, nicotine, fisticuffs -

0:19:570:19:59

we're moving in a descending spiral of iniquity!

0:19:590:20:03

Ah! A woman's bookshelf is an infallible guide to her character.

0:20:030:20:08

Oxford English Dictionary,

0:20:080:20:10

Dictionary Of Phrase And Fable,

0:20:100:20:12

The Diary Of Samuel Pepys - abridged. Well, that's something to be thankful for(!)

0:20:120:20:17

What's up here? A-hem.

0:20:170:20:20

Memoirs Of Casanova.

0:20:210:20:24

-Wasn't that the book we caught Jessica James reading in the closet?

-Yes.

-Yes.

0:20:240:20:29

Decameron Nights.

0:20:290:20:31

Well, really!

0:20:310:20:33

Whatever else this establishment may or may not be,

0:20:330:20:36

-it's clearly not a suitable place to bring carefully nurtured girls to.

-I should jolly well say not.

0:20:360:20:41

-But what can we do about it?

-We must tell the Ministry. They got us into it. They must get us out of it.

0:20:410:20:46

Well, that settles the sleeping question. Now, it's the meals.

0:20:460:20:51

-Cook will simply have to stagger them.

-That shouldn't be difficult(!)

-Of course not. Come along.

0:20:510:20:55

Rainbow can bring down the table from the carpenter's shop.

0:21:000:21:03

What's this? "Gossage"?

0:21:030:21:05

Mmm? Some of the boys starting to arrive? Give the boy who wrote his name there 50 lines.

0:21:050:21:10

-"Gossage"? I don't know any Gossages.

-Maybe it's a St Swithin's kid.

-Then give him 50 lines.

0:21:100:21:15

I'll not have their boys writing their names all over our dust...

0:21:150:21:18

Who's that?

0:21:210:21:23

-Er, little girl.

-Yes?

0:21:240:21:27

Who... Who are you? I mean, what do you want? This is Nutbourne College.

0:21:270:21:31

That's right. I just biked on ahead with Miss Harper's things. She's with the crocodile.

0:21:310:21:36

Crocodile?! What on earth's she talking about? Who... Who's Miss Harper?

0:21:360:21:41

Miss Harper? Well, she's English and history and jolly dee!

0:21:410:21:44

In fact, she's the only decent mistress in St Swithin's.

0:21:440:21:47

St Swithin's?! You don't mean to say

0:21:470:21:50

-that yours is a school of boys AND girls?

-Oh, no!

0:21:500:21:53

Only girls.

0:21:530:21:55

Does this mean, sir, that we are to expect 100 young ladies?

0:21:550:22:00

It means not only have the Ministry made a mistake in sending a school here at all,

0:22:010:22:05

but they've apparently been guilty of an appalling sexual aberration.

0:22:050:22:09

I shall ask for the home number of the man responsible.

0:22:090:22:12

If they refuse, I shall speak to the Minister himself.

0:22:120:22:15

Do you know what this means, old boy? Popsies, scores of them.

0:22:170:22:21

There are only two types of school mistress -

0:22:210:22:23

the battle-axe and the Amazon.

0:22:230:22:25

I bet you five bob they fall into one class or another.

0:22:250:22:28

The condition of the place is indescribable.

0:22:300:22:33

Dust and dirt everywhere.

0:22:330:22:35

And the staff seem to match their surroundings.

0:22:350:22:37

I've seen quite enough to know it's no place to bring well-brought-up girls to...

0:22:370:22:42

I agree with that last statement. Will you kindly remove yourself from my chair, my telephone...

0:22:420:22:47

-Sorry, I didn't catch what you said...

-Will you kindly move yourself from my telephone?!

0:22:470:22:51

Will you please refrain from interfering?

0:22:510:22:54

I don't know who you are, but I'm in the middle of a conversation with the Ministry.

0:22:540:22:58

-Ministry?!

-Hello?

-Give me that!

-Will you desist at once, sir?!

0:22:580:23:01

-You leave me no alternative.

-How dare you, sir?

0:23:010:23:04

How dare YOU, madam?!

0:23:040:23:05

Hello, hello. This is Wetherby Pond speaking,

0:23:050:23:09

the headmaster of Nutbourne College.

0:23:090:23:11

I don't know how much you know about what's going on here,

0:23:110:23:13

but I find it difficult to speak temperedly about it.

0:23:130:23:15

I will not have a girls' school on my premises, not for a single day, not for a single hour, not...

0:23:150:23:21

I don't want your sympathy, man. I want action. I want these women removed bag and baggage.

0:23:210:23:26

If the last train is gone, you must lay on a special.

0:23:260:23:28

I'm not putting down this telephone until I know what you're going to do about it.

0:23:280:23:32

Have I made myself clear?

0:23:320:23:33

Oh, yeah, I understand. But I think you'd better have a word with the guv'nor when he comes back.

0:23:330:23:38

-Where is he?

-Eh? I think he's stoking the boilers.

0:23:380:23:41

To whom am I talking?

0:23:420:23:45

Thank you.

0:23:470:23:50

You were speaking to the junior assistant caretaker.

0:23:500:23:54

The Ministry is closed!

0:23:540:23:56

I take it you are some sort of official in this girls' school.

0:23:590:24:02

I don't like your tone, my man. I'll answer you when you're in possession of yourself.

0:24:020:24:06

Madam, I'm well able to control myself.

0:24:060:24:09

Unaccustomed as I am to having girls' schools thrust upon me, no doubt, in years to come,

0:24:090:24:13

I shall look upon this as amusing.

0:24:130:24:15

-But I shan't.

-The only solution is to send your girls back home until the whole position is rectified.

0:24:150:24:21

Out of the question. At least 50 of my girls come from the colonies. St Swithin's specialises in outposts.

0:24:210:24:27

I'm not at all concerned where they come from! It is impossible for them to remain here.

0:24:270:24:31

It is equally impossible for them to go elsewhere.

0:24:310:24:35

At any moment now, they'll be arriving,

0:24:350:24:37

hot and tired from their journey, bursting for a hot bath

0:24:370:24:40

and peckish for their high tea. By the way, a-hem,

0:24:400:24:43

my name is Whitchurch. I am Principal of St Swithin's.

0:24:430:24:48

Oh...

0:24:480:24:50

How do you...? How do you do?

0:24:500:24:52

What's more, I make it a rule that junior school go up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire at 6.30 sharp

0:24:520:24:58

with their milk and biscuits - digestive. Have you digestive?

0:24:580:25:02

I don't know.

0:25:020:25:04

But if there are any, they'll be eaten by my boys.

0:25:040:25:06

Oh, come now, it's no use playing dog in the manger. Let us face this squarely.

0:25:060:25:10

-Which day do your boys arrive?

-Today at 6.15,

0:25:100:25:14

hot, tired and peckish for their high tea.

0:25:140:25:17

Yes, I see your problem.

0:25:170:25:20

-I'm grateful for that.

-We must don our thinking caps.

-Madam, I'm not donning anything.

0:25:200:25:26

Oh!

0:25:260:25:27

We've just been hurled out of our common room...

0:25:270:25:30

-By a bunch of ruffians.

-One pulled me out of my chair.

0:25:300:25:34

-Miss Whitchurch, you realise where we are?

-You don't imagine I've been here indulging in social chit-chat.

0:25:340:25:39

Mr Pond, permit me to introduce my staff.

0:25:390:25:41

No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to appear rude,

0:25:410:25:44

but there's no point in meeting them since they're not going to remain here.

0:25:440:25:48

Look, madam, I am surprised that you should ignore the domestic absurdity

0:25:480:25:52

of bringing 100 girls here. There are feeding problems,

0:25:520:25:56

-servant problems...

-There's no problem there, sir. They're leaving.

0:25:560:26:00

-OUTSIDE:

-Left, right. Left, right. Left...

0:26:000:26:02

Oh, good egg! Here's comes our croc!

0:26:020:26:04

And there goes OURS.

0:26:090:26:11

Three years it's taken me to get a good kitchen staff. What am I to do?

0:26:160:26:20

-That's childishly simple. You forget you have a girls' school with you.

-Forget(!)

0:26:200:26:25

It will provide an absolutely superb opportunity for my advanced cookery girls to show their paces.

0:26:250:26:31

No, madam, not that.

0:26:310:26:33

Not that! That's more than flesh and blood can stand.

0:26:330:26:36

I'll go through purgatory with you, but hell - no! Hell, no!

0:26:360:26:40

I owe you a dollar.

0:26:400:26:42

-Thanks.

-We're in for a whale of a time.

0:26:430:26:47

-Morris dancing in the gym, eurhythmics on the lawn...

-Queues for the bathroom,

0:26:470:26:51

no smoking anywhere and compulsory cocoa at 11.

0:26:510:26:53

I'm for a couple of voluntary pints at the Coach and Horses before they arrive. Any takers?

0:26:530:26:59

I'll gladly stand anyone a pint if they'll care to join me.

0:27:000:27:03

I'm a lifelong teetotaller, but I'm almost inclined to accept Brown's invitation.

0:27:030:27:08

I'm GOING to.

0:27:080:27:10

Is this right?

0:27:140:27:16

Yes, it's right. Press on. Straight ahead. Let me...

0:27:160:27:19

This has cost me five bob.

0:27:220:27:24

-Yes, cheap at the price.

-Good afternoon.

-Good afternoon.

0:27:240:27:28

-Oh.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-That's quite all right. Allow me.

0:27:280:27:31

Thank you.

0:27:310:27:33

-I'm Richard Tassell. I teach English here.

-So do I, but...

-We'll have something in common!

0:27:380:27:43

I'm Victor Hyde-Brown, sports master here.

0:27:430:27:45

-Won't you sit down, Miss...?

-Harper.

-..Harper.

0:27:450:27:48

-The rot's setting in.

-Cigarette?

-Thank you.

0:27:480:27:52

I never expected anything like this.

0:27:520:27:54

-How many mistresses have you?

-Well, I, er...

0:27:540:27:58

DOOR OPENS

0:27:580:27:59

I must talk to you, gentlemen.

0:27:590:28:01

-We're in an unprecedented predicament.

-Miss Harper - Mr Pond.

0:28:010:28:05

-How do you do?

-How do you do? Your colleagues are in the first door on the right.

0:28:050:28:10

-May I leave my things here?

-Yes, of course.

0:28:100:28:14

-Who is he?

-I'll explain later.

-Hyde-Brown, will you please close that door?

0:28:160:28:21

Thank you. Now, gentlemen, we are faced with an appalling dilemma.

0:28:210:28:26

We have a wooden horse in our midst.

0:28:260:28:29

Possession is nine points of the law.

0:28:290:28:31

Our girls are in the hall, their boys haven't arrived. Come in, Miss Harper.

0:28:310:28:35

-Did you pass a long, bald-headed person?

-You mean Pond? He's in the common room.

-Excellent.

0:28:350:28:40

We'll find out where their dormitories are and take our girls there.

0:28:400:28:43

Ladies, you're facing your supreme test.

0:28:430:28:46

-Remember our netball cry.

-Effort, St Swithin's, effort!

-Quite so, Miss Gossage.

0:28:460:28:51

If trespassers threaten your property, you build fences. Hmm?

0:28:510:28:54

-I propose we lock the dormitories.

-Hear, hear!

0:28:540:28:57

But we must act before that female spawns her young all over the building.

0:28:570:29:01

Billings, take the fourth-form dormitory, and Hyde-Brown, the fifth.

0:29:010:29:05

And Matthews and Joue, the third and the sixth.

0:29:050:29:08

-Have you got a key to the common room, sir?

-We don't have to lock this room, Billings?

0:29:080:29:12

No, and we can't UNLOCK it unless you've got a key.

0:29:120:29:15

-Is this a practical joke?

-The key's on the outside.

0:29:190:29:23

This is the last straw.

0:29:230:29:25

Come along now. Hurry up! We've got plenty to do.

0:29:250:29:28

Stand by, Tennyson, Longfellow.

0:29:280:29:30

Miss Armstrong, as quick as you can. No time to lose.

0:29:300:29:33

-The honour of Nutbourne is at stake.

-All right. I'll have a go,

0:29:350:29:38

but it's not much use unlocking the stable door after the horses have got there first.

0:29:380:29:43

-What's happening up there?

-Hey, look out, sir!

0:29:430:29:46

-Gosh, it's old Whizzo!

-Hey, Whizzo!

0:29:500:29:53

That's it, Hyde-Brown. That's it. Press on.

0:29:540:29:56

BOYS CHEER AND WHISTLE

0:29:560:30:01

That's it. You're almost there.

0:30:010:30:03

You're doing splendidly, Hyde-Brown.

0:30:030:30:06

BOYS CHEER AND WHISTLE

0:30:060:30:09

Don't look down!

0:30:110:30:13

Carry on. ..Go in at once, you boys. Go straight upstairs

0:30:170:30:20

to your dormitories and stay there till I call you.

0:30:200:30:23

Any boy left hanging about will get 500 lines.

0:30:230:30:26

Now, then, one leap and you've done it.

0:30:300:30:33

Now, Tennyson and Longfellow, settle down as quickly as you can.

0:30:330:30:36

-I'll have their trunks sent up in a few minutes.

-Very well.

0:30:360:30:39

Not in here, Miss Gossage. Follow me, Milton and Browning. Quick as you can. No dawdling.

0:30:390:30:44

I say, Talbot, there's girls in our dormitory.

0:30:490:30:53

-Girls?! Where?!

-Hundreds of them. They're everywhere.

-Have you gone potty?

0:30:530:30:57

-What are you talking about?

-Go and see for yourself. They're all over the place.

-He's right. There are.

0:30:570:31:02

-That's what I've been trying to tell them.

-Let's see.

0:31:020:31:05

This way, Milton and Browning.

0:31:090:31:11

Come along, girls. Come along.

0:31:110:31:13

-I realise it's not quite what you're accustomed to.

-GIRL SCREAMS

0:31:130:31:17

-What's that?

-There's trouble already.

-It's something in Tennyson.

-Let's go and see at once.

0:31:170:31:22

-Oh!

-SCREAMING

0:31:240:31:26

You must stop! You must stop! You must...

0:31:450:31:48

MISS WHITCHURCH WHISTLES

0:31:520:31:53

-Aren't you going to stop them, sir?

-There are times, I think,

0:32:020:32:06

when little boys should be seen but not interrupted. Come.

0:32:060:32:10

COCK CROWS

0:32:110:32:13

BELL RINGS

0:32:150:32:18

BELL CONTINUES

0:32:190:32:22

-Where am I?

-The French master's bed.

0:32:260:32:30

SNORING

0:32:320:32:35

BELL RINGS LOUDLY

0:32:350:32:38

BELL CONTINUES TO RING

0:32:410:32:44

Madam, I...

0:34:070:34:09

Really, this is too much.

0:34:120:34:14

I give up my bedroom to you, only to find my clothes flung all over the place.

0:34:140:34:18

Look, madam, where are my shirts and underwear?

0:34:180:34:20

In the filing cabinet.

0:34:200:34:22

It's no use telephoning the Ministry. There won't be anybody there before ten o'clock.

0:34:240:34:29

-It's rough and ready, Jezzard, but it'll serve.

-Yes.

0:34:290:34:33

-Thank you.

-There we are. Now we'd better see how they're faring in the kitchen.

0:34:330:34:37

Breakfast is at eight sharp, so don't loiter.

0:34:390:34:42

DOOR SLAMS

0:34:420:34:44

-Good morning, girls.

-Morning, Miss Whitchurch.

0:34:490:34:52

-Everything shipshape and Bristol fashion?

-Yes, Miss Whitchurch.

0:34:520:34:56

The fishcakes are ready, but there's a hold-up with the porridge.

0:34:560:35:00

-Why?

-I had to throw one lot away.

-Oh, that'll never do.

0:35:000:35:03

-Now, Angela, you've made porridge before.

-Yes, but no-one had to eat it.

0:35:030:35:08

That's a defeatist attitude, my dear. Stir it well and don't shilly-shally.

0:35:080:35:12

Now, now, now, Mary!

0:35:140:35:15

You know better than to make tea in that haphazard fashion.

0:35:150:35:18

-How many people are you making it for?

-233.

0:35:180:35:22

Then put in 233 teaspoonsful

0:35:220:35:24

and one... well, perhaps two for the pot.

0:35:240:35:28

One...

0:35:300:35:31

two...

0:35:310:35:32

-I understand your fishcakes are ready, Alice.

-For the past 20 minutes.

0:35:320:35:36

I don't want any temperament, my dear. What did you put in them?

0:35:360:35:40

Or shouldn't I ask?

0:35:400:35:41

-Anyway, they smell delicious.

-They've gone hard.

0:35:420:35:46

Never mind. I don't suppose hungry little tummies will notice that.

0:35:460:35:50

They will afterwards.

0:35:510:35:53

28...

0:35:530:35:55

29...

0:35:550:35:56

130...

0:35:560:35:58

These little adventures break the monotony of school life.

0:35:580:36:01

I love monotony.

0:36:010:36:03

Oh.

0:36:030:36:04

Morning, Mr Pond.

0:36:050:36:06

Oh.

0:36:070:36:08

I think I'll just have tea and toast today.

0:36:080:36:10

It's five past eight.

0:36:100:36:13

There's been a slight hiatus with the porridge. Shall we move in?

0:36:130:36:17

What form of grace do you say here?

0:36:200:36:22

Well, I usually ask that we should be grateful for what we're about to receive.

0:36:220:36:27

Please, sir, I don't want any more.

0:36:380:36:41

No, sir.

0:36:410:36:42

Oh, very well.

0:36:440:36:46

It's still Arkwright, but he's trying to put me on to a Mr Tripp.

0:36:460:36:49

Apparently Mr Bullock got the papers from Mr Forrester.

0:36:490:36:53

He passed them on to Mr Arkwright who passed them on to Mr Tripp.

0:36:530:36:57

We've got to sit here while they keep on passing around...

0:36:580:37:03

The girls must write home, Miss Gossage. Rely on their discretion.

0:37:030:37:07

The younger girls are the trouble, Miss Whitchurch.

0:37:070:37:10

Monica Redfern wrote, "Dear Mummy, I'm having an exciting time.

0:37:100:37:13

-"We've been sent to a boys' school by mistake."

-That's a statement of fact.

0:37:130:37:18

"Everybody's having lots of fun.

0:37:180:37:20

-"The mistresses are sharing the masters' rooms."

-Ah, yes.

0:37:200:37:24

I see what you mean.

0:37:240:37:26

Well, we must institute a system of censorship at once.

0:37:260:37:29

-Yes, Miss Whitchurch.

-I advise you to take similar steps, Mr Pond.

0:37:290:37:33

We have a bond of trust here at Nutbourne, the boys and I, which is never abused.

0:37:330:37:39

-Yes, Billings?

-I caught young Sutton posting this.

0:37:390:37:42

There's nothing against the boys sending parcels home. What is it?

0:37:420:37:46

A fishcake. And Sutton's father is an analytical chemist.

0:37:460:37:50

There's a note inside which reads, "Dear Dad, our breakfast.

0:37:500:37:53

"Get weaving. Reg."

0:37:530:37:56

THUD

0:37:570:37:59

Well, I suppose we all have black sheep.

0:38:010:38:04

Want me to skim through the rest of the flock?

0:38:040:38:07

Yes. I suggest you get together with this lady.

0:38:070:38:11

-Hello, is that Mr Tripp?

-Mr Tripp!

-It is?

0:38:130:38:17

-Good...

-Mr Tripp?

0:38:170:38:19

Mr Pond. I take it Mr Arkwright has told you what Mr Bullock told him I told Mr Forrester?

0:38:190:38:24

Yes, I'm acquainted with the facts. I just can't think how it occurred.

0:38:240:38:28

..I wouldn't like to promise that. It'll take a little while.

0:38:280:38:32

You're not an approved school, by any chance?

0:38:320:38:36

I'll do everything I can to expedite matters. Good morning.

0:38:360:38:40

FANFARE

0:38:520:38:55

Will these little blighters never stop writing home?

0:39:150:39:19

I can't pass one in ten of these.

0:39:190:39:21

No, nor can I.

0:39:210:39:23

Still, you know, I do think it's been heaps of fun working together.

0:39:230:39:28

-It has, hasn't it?

-Not my idea of fun, Miss Gossage.

0:39:280:39:32

Call me Sausage.

0:39:340:39:35

"That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet..."

0:39:370:39:43

Thank you, Betty. Does anyone know the Good Night passage?

0:39:430:39:47

-I do, Miss Harper.

-Very well, Barbara.

0:39:470:39:49

Where shall I start, Miss Harper?

0:39:490:39:51

From "Well, do not swear."

0:39:510:39:53

-"Well, do not swear, although I..."

-KNOCK ON DOOR

0:39:530:39:58

Oh, do you think I might borrow another duster, Miss Harper?

0:39:580:40:02

-I mislaid the last one.

-That's the fifth in three days.

0:40:020:40:06

-As many as that?

-The children will begin to misconstrue your intentions.

0:40:060:40:10

-Misconstrue?

-One or two seem to be doing so already.

0:40:100:40:14

Barbara, don't stand staring, carry on.

0:40:140:40:17

"I have no joy of this contract tonight

0:40:170:40:20

"It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden..."

0:40:200:40:24

"Too like the lightning which doth cease to be..."

0:40:240:40:26

"E'er one can say, 'It lightens' Sweet, good night

0:40:260:40:31

-"This bud of love...

-"By summer's ripening breath

0:40:310:40:34

"May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.

0:40:340:40:37

-"Good night, good night!"

-DOOR OPENS

0:40:370:40:40

Make it good morning and return to your class, Mr Tassell.

0:40:400:40:44

Well, I...I haven't got a class, Miss Whitchurch.

0:40:440:40:47

Then don't interrupt ours. I made it perfectly plain on the notice board

0:40:470:40:51

that there was to be no interschool poodle-faking.

0:40:510:40:54

-And while I...

-LAUGHTER

0:40:540:40:56

Well, really!

0:41:000:41:02

The starboard engine had gone for a burton,

0:41:020:41:05

and there was I upside down with nothing on the clock.

0:41:050:41:08

So I just pressed on.

0:41:080:41:10

You must have had a gorgeously exciting time of it.

0:41:100:41:14

-Oh!

-I'd simply have adored to see you in your uniform.

0:41:140:41:17

Well, I looked much the same as the rest of the bunch.

0:41:170:41:20

I say, you girls are bang-on for 17.

0:41:200:41:23

Mr Brown, what are you doing with my seniors?

0:41:230:41:26

I was just showing them the petunias. Jolly good display this year.

0:41:260:41:30

A bit past their best now, of course.

0:41:300:41:32

The petunias are not alone in that respect. Will you leave us this minute?

0:41:320:41:35

I was only giving them a few hints, facts of nature, nothing else.

0:41:350:41:38

You girls get back to your indoor botany at once.

0:41:380:41:42

I know it's slightly distracting to have to work in the hall,

0:41:420:41:46

but we must try and profit through adversity.

0:41:460:41:49

We'll choose a phrase at random

0:41:490:41:51

-and see if we can analyse it.

-Morning, boys.

-Morning, Miss Whitchurch.

0:41:510:41:55

-We'll take a phrase...

-Please, Mr Pond,

0:41:550:41:59

ask your masters not to consort with my staff and girls.

0:41:590:42:03

And I think it advisable to alter the curriculum

0:42:030:42:06

to cut out the biology classes.

0:42:060:42:09

Let us analyse that excellent phrase of John Knox's,

0:42:120:42:16

"The first blast of the trumpet

0:42:160:42:18

"against the monstrous regiment of women."

0:42:180:42:21

That's enough.

0:42:230:42:25

The verb in this case is understood.

0:42:260:42:28

Like... Like some other things.

0:42:280:42:31

So we may take it that the sentence runs, "This IS the first blast of the trumpet,"

0:42:310:42:37

et cetera, et cetera.

0:42:370:42:39

This - the subject. Is - the verb. Everyone paying attention?

0:42:390:42:42

-BOYS: Yes, sir.

-Very well.

0:42:420:42:44

-Talbot!

-Sir.

-Take 100 lines.

0:42:440:42:48

Yes, sir.

0:42:480:42:50

How are we to deal with the rest of the...?

0:42:500:42:52

-What about the object?

-Good morning.

-Good morning.

0:42:540:42:57

Can any boy tell me what is the object...

0:42:570:43:02

-I have called on behalf of Miss Winston...

-..in this particular case?

0:43:020:43:06

Whose bed is that and where are you taking it?

0:43:060:43:09

It belonged to the late cook, sir.

0:43:090:43:12

Miss W says Miss J's to have it.

0:43:120:43:14

We'll see about that. Take it to my study at once.

0:43:140:43:17

I'm sure Mr Pond will listen to reason if I can speak to him.

0:43:190:43:23

-He's teaching, I tell you.

-You don't seem to realise...

0:43:230:43:26

-What is the object?

-Up your end, Edwin.

0:43:260:43:29

-What is the object...?

-Mr Pond...

0:43:290:43:32

What's the use? I might as well try to teach in Waterloo station.

0:43:360:43:40

There's a lady at the door, sir, wanting to know if you'll vote for Miss Winston in the election.

0:43:400:43:45

Mrs Hampstead, tell your lady that if there is a male candidate,

0:43:470:43:51

whether he's Conservative, socialist, communist or anarchist,

0:43:510:43:55

or, for that matter, Liberal,

0:43:550:43:57

-he will have my vote.

-That's what I thought, sir.

0:43:570:44:00

There is NO object in this at all, so let us take the word "trumpet".

0:44:030:44:08

It's no use hanging back like that, Margaret. It'll only be the worse for you.

0:44:080:44:12

What do you propose we ought to do with "trumpet"?

0:44:120:44:16

Margaret, you mustn't think just because you're in a school like this that you can behave as you please.

0:44:160:44:21

I repeat -

0:44:210:44:22

what do you propose we ought to do with "trumpet"?

0:44:220:44:28

-Talbot, another hundred lines.

-CRASH

0:44:280:44:31

Higher, fat head, higher!

0:44:310:44:33

Oh! You wait here.

0:44:370:44:38

Now, report to Miss Armstrong at once.

0:44:380:44:42

CRASH

0:44:430:44:46

All right, let us leave "trumpet" and think of "blast".

0:44:460:44:50

Blast, somebody!

0:44:500:44:53

BLAST, ANYBODY!

0:44:530:44:55

As a young man,

0:45:300:45:32

I studied yogi for a brief period.

0:45:320:45:34

It has enabled me to bear with fortitude this situation

0:45:340:45:38

-which otherwise I could never have endured.

-Poppycock!

0:45:380:45:41

Please let me finish.

0:45:410:45:43

But yogi or no yogi,

0:45:430:45:46

I am determined not to allow the situation to deteriorate further,

0:45:460:45:50

-if that were possible.

-Good afternoon, Mr Tripp.

0:45:500:45:52

Furthermore...

0:45:520:45:53

Mr Tripp, since you have apparently done nothing to rectify this state of affairs here,

0:45:540:45:59

I intend to visit the Ministry this afternoon to see Mr Forrester.

0:45:590:46:03

I'm not in the least concerned about an appointment. If Mr Forrester will not see me, I'll speak to my MP.

0:46:040:46:10

He's probably playing golf.

0:46:110:46:13

Matthews, will you ask Rainbow to get me a taxi, please?

0:46:130:46:17

Can I have a word, Miss Whitchurch?

0:46:170:46:19

-What is it, Miss Jezzard?

-This porter.

0:46:190:46:22

He refuses to take orders from me.

0:46:220:46:24

I just want to know where I stand.

0:46:240:46:25

Every time I ask him to do anything, he says he's too busy.

0:46:250:46:29

She says I'm to take the brake to the station,

0:46:290:46:31

and Mr Hyde-Brown says I'm to mark out the 2nd XV pitch. Which is it to be?

0:46:310:46:36

Will you tell him or shall I?

0:46:360:46:40

Very well, sir, it's all I want to know.

0:46:400:46:43

Just a moment, Rainbow.

0:46:430:46:45

I shall consider these requests entirely on their merits.

0:46:450:46:49

That's right, haver about.

0:46:490:46:51

Why has the brake to go to the station?

0:46:510:46:53

-To meet parents off the 3 o'clock train.

-Whose parents?

0:46:530:46:57

-Ours.

-Ours?

0:46:570:46:59

-Ridiculous.

-You invited them yourself.

0:46:590:47:02

Mr and Mrs Parry, Mrs Jones, and Mr and Mrs Ibbertson.

0:47:020:47:06

They were nervous about what sort of school this was,

0:47:060:47:09

so you said they could come down and see for themselves.

0:47:090:47:12

Why didn't you remind me? We must stop it at once.

0:47:120:47:15

Stopping the 3 o'clock will be too much even for you.

0:47:150:47:18

It's out of the question having the parents here with this man and his rabble around.

0:47:180:47:24

-It had occurred to me...

-Nothing ever occurs to you or they wouldn't be coming.

0:47:240:47:29

When they see we're sharing a boys' school, they'll withdraw their children.

0:47:290:47:33

Before we know where we are, we shall have no school left.

0:47:330:47:37

-That will solve the problem.

-This is no time for prep school repartee.

0:47:370:47:42

Thinking caps. Thinking caps.

0:47:420:47:44

I have it! You must remove your boys for the afternoon.

0:47:460:47:49

Remove my boys?

0:47:490:47:51

From my own school?!

0:47:510:47:53

Mr Pond, for the past six days,

0:47:530:47:56

-we have been living together with a fair measure of harmony...

-Harmony?!

0:47:560:48:00

With your shrieking progeny everywhere!

0:48:000:48:03

I'm completely unmoved by your plight, madam. I don't give a fig.

0:48:030:48:07

Mr Matthews, Miss Jezzard, would you be good enough to wait outside?

0:48:070:48:11

And take the porter with you.

0:48:110:48:13

There is talk in the common room

0:48:160:48:18

that you are seeking an appointment as headmaster of Harlingham.

0:48:180:48:22

What has that got to do with removing my boys?

0:48:220:48:25

I thought you might like to know that I'm acquainted with one of the governors of that school.

0:48:250:48:30

Oh, madam, I should not consider a recommendation from you an advantage.

0:48:300:48:35

I wasn't thinking of a recommendation.

0:48:350:48:37

You were trying to coerce me with threats, madam?

0:48:390:48:42

The law takes a serious view of that.

0:48:420:48:44

Have you the temerity to suggest that I'm trying to blackmail you?!

0:48:440:48:48

I shall merely make a factual report.

0:48:480:48:50

I see.

0:48:520:48:54

There appear to be no depths to which you are not prepared to sink.

0:48:540:48:58

If you have nothing to add but idle abuse,

0:49:000:49:03

shall we recall Miss Jezzard and Mr Matthews and lay our plans?

0:49:030:49:07

Run! Run!

0:49:110:49:13

What on earth's going on with the goalposts?

0:49:320:49:35

The school's got to beat it to the swimming baths.

0:49:350:49:39

-What?

-Some of the girls' parents are visiting.

0:49:390:49:41

There's to be no sign that the shadow of man has crossed here.

0:49:410:49:45

-How long's this to last?

-Matinee performance only.

0:49:450:49:48

Oh, look, there they are.

0:50:130:50:15

Group dancing.

0:50:180:50:20

-Yeah. Two guineas extra.

-We know.

0:50:200:50:23

Mrs Ibbertson is wearing that white hat she wore in the summer.

0:50:250:50:29

This is no time for sartorial tittle-tattle.

0:50:290:50:31

How do you do, Mrs Ibbertson? So nice to see you. Miss Jezzard.

0:50:310:50:35

-..How do you do, Mrs Jones?

-A delightful spot.

-Yes.

0:50:350:50:39

-..How do you do, Mr Parry?

-How do you do?

0:50:390:50:42

Tea will be laid in the study. A gracious old hall, don't you think?

0:50:420:50:46

Yes. Still it must be trying to share a school.

0:50:460:50:50

We are getting on nicely considering. A certain amount of hugger-mugger, of course.

0:50:500:50:54

-Is there any difference in class with the other school?

-Not so much of class as of outlook.

0:50:540:50:59

I think I'll show you the dining hall first.

0:51:010:51:04

-I hope you don't let the girls mix too much.

-Not if I can help it.

0:51:040:51:08

This dining hall is a gem in its way.

0:51:080:51:11

Of course, it's rather a squeeze when they're all here.

0:51:110:51:15

But we stagger most of the meals.

0:51:150:51:17

-"Guard thine honour"?

-The Nutbourne school motto.

0:51:200:51:23

In my young day, such things were taken for granted.

0:51:230:51:26

Well, the place goes back to Henry VIII.

0:51:260:51:29

They tell me this part of the building used to be a barn

0:51:310:51:35

before they rebuilt it. Well...

0:51:350:51:37

what about pottering upstairs? I'm sure a cup of tea would be welcome.

0:51:370:51:41

-It would indeed.

-And then to the fray like giants refreshed. Off we go.

0:51:410:51:45

I understand Henry built it for Anne Boleyn,

0:51:470:51:49

but she was beheaded before she could move in.

0:51:490:51:52

Such an unlucky woman, don't you think?

0:51:520:51:55

-Shall we see the other school?

-They've gone on an all-day ramble.

0:51:560:52:01

-I wish you could have seen us working in tandem. No, that's the common room.

-What a snug retreat!

0:52:010:52:07

Yes, it is rather nice. A bit on the small side for our two staffs, but it serves.

0:52:070:52:12

-Looks out onto the grounds. May I?

-Of course.

0:52:120:52:15

-Oh! There's nothing much to see, I'm afraid.

-Quite an attractive view.

0:52:190:52:22

Yes, isn't it? They tell me you can see the sea on a clear day.

0:52:220:52:26

(Stand with your back to the bookcase.)

0:52:270:52:30

Nutbourne must be a rather unusual school.

0:52:300:52:33

Surely they're not in favour of blood sports?

0:52:330:52:36

Oh, I gather that was a present from somebody's aunt.

0:52:360:52:40

Just a minute. ..Excuse me. It's that stupid village newsagent.

0:52:420:52:46

I ordered The Lady, and he sent Men Only.

0:52:460:52:49

Shall we be getting along to my study now?

0:52:500:52:54

What on earth are these doing here?!

0:53:000:53:03

Well, this is Janet Hackett, who won the 220 yards breaststroke in 1946.

0:53:030:53:10

And this is Evelyn Forbes, who won the 100 yards freestyle in 1947.

0:53:100:53:15

And...

0:53:150:53:17

this is Frieda Harris, our champion Morris dancer caught in mid-action. I think that's all.

0:53:170:53:23

Telegram for Mr Pond. I thought it might be important.

0:53:320:53:36

-Better open it.

-I'm second master. If anyone's going to open it...

-Oh, shut up.

0:53:360:53:40

I say, this is the absolute penultimate.

0:53:400:53:43

-The governors of Harlingham are coming here today.

-But...

-Here.

0:53:430:53:47

-He did say they were coming.

-But he couldn't have known when.

0:53:470:53:51

-He'll never be headmaster of Harlingham now.

-You don't need a crystal to tell you that.

0:53:510:53:56

-He will remain here then.

-For life. You realise what that means?

0:53:560:53:59

-What are we to do?

-We must put the school back and get Pond back.

0:53:590:54:03

-What time is his train?

-3.15.

-10 minutes.

-Get rid of the girls, I'll go to the station.

0:54:030:54:07

There's Pond. Good afternoon, Mr Pond.

0:54:200:54:23

I thought you might not have received our telegram.

0:54:230:54:26

Dr Collet wanted it to be a surprise visit, but I told him that would not be fair.

0:54:260:54:30

Just didn't want anything specially laid on. I wanted to see the school in normal conditions.

0:54:300:54:35

So would I.

0:54:350:54:37

Yes, so would I.

0:54:370:54:39

So you shall.

0:54:390:54:41

Well, well, well, how do you do, gentlemen? Welcome to Nutbourne.

0:54:410:54:46

Just that your telegram scarcely left me enough time

0:54:460:54:50

to make the necessary arrangements for your...reception.

0:54:500:54:54

Will you excuse me one moment while I see what's happened to the taxi?

0:54:540:54:58

Thank heavens you're still here.

0:55:010:55:03

Gentlemen. (Mr Billings, keep your wits about you and smile.)

0:55:030:55:07

Gentlemen, this is Mr Billings, my maths master.

0:55:070:55:10

He very thoughtfully brought the school brake along.

0:55:100:55:14

-..Thank you.

-That's all right, sir.

0:55:140:55:16

-It was not our intention to disrupt the school work.

-On the contrary.

0:55:160:55:20

I can't imagine Mr Billings has left the boys without problems to solve.

0:55:200:55:24

-That so, Billings?

-Yes, sir. I imagine they'll take a while to clear them up.

0:55:240:55:28

Yes.

0:55:280:55:30

No doubt.

0:55:300:55:31

-Well, there's no hurry.

-We want to catch the last train back, Mr Pond.

0:55:310:55:35

Beautiful country round here, isn't it?

0:55:350:55:38

Yes, but as I said, we want to catch the last train back.

0:55:380:55:41

You can do that but there's plenty of time to spare.

0:55:410:55:45

-I do love this part of the country.

-Delightful.

0:55:450:55:47

Which...way are you going, Billings?

0:55:510:55:54

Through Fairhurst and Upper Dudley and Lower Dudley and Braxton.

0:55:540:55:58

-The short way.

-That's right, Billings, the short way.

0:55:580:56:02

I ask no more for youth than space and air and freedom from distraction.

0:56:020:56:06

I'm glad to hear that, Miss Whitchurch.

0:56:060:56:08

-Cynthia has reached the difficult age.

-Angela's just the same.

0:56:080:56:12

-I'm sure Miss Whitchurch grasps the dangers of adolescence.

-Firmly, in both hands, if I may say so.

0:56:120:56:19

-TELEPHONE RINGS Shall I answer it?

-Please do.

0:56:190:56:22

With all the discoveries of modern science these days,

0:56:220:56:26

it is possible to...to...climb to its topmost branches... What?

0:56:260:56:31

-A Mr Hartley of the Ministry.

-Tell him we'll ring him back in an hour.

0:56:310:56:35

I wonder if you'd mind if we rang back. You see... I beg your pardon?

0:56:350:56:41

Just wondering how we're settling down, I expect.

0:56:410:56:44

Now, let me see...where were we?

0:56:440:56:47

Uh... Oh, yes! It is possible to climb to its topmost branches

0:56:470:56:51

-and select the fruit where we will.

-Are you sure you can't?

0:56:510:56:56

-Oh, dear.

-I said we'd ring him back.

0:56:560:56:58

He's going out. He wants to know if we're still in trouble.

0:56:580:57:03

I haven't the remotest idea what he's talking about. We're perfectly happy.

0:57:030:57:08

No, we're all right, thank you very much.

0:57:080:57:11

Good afternoon.

0:57:110:57:12

Where was I?

0:57:120:57:14

-Up the tree.

-Oh, yes!

0:57:140:57:16

Well, I do think it's a jolly rotten show. Not a word of explanation...

0:57:160:57:22

-We'll explain later.

-Well, it's not fair.

0:57:220:57:25

Now look...! Where are you going with our goalposts?

0:57:250:57:29

Honestly!

0:57:290:57:30

I thought you said the school was a mere five minutes from the station.

0:57:300:57:34

-In terms of jet propulsion(!)

-It said Nutbourne down there.

0:57:340:57:38

We've a first-class rugger team at Harlingham. What shape's yours in?

0:57:460:57:50

It varies.

0:57:500:57:51

Very pleasant outlook here.

0:57:510:57:54

Uninterrupted too, the estate agents say.

0:57:540:57:57

Mr Tassell, I'm all for team spirit and I don't want to rock the boat,

0:57:570:58:01

but I can't keep my girls cooped up here all afternoon.

0:58:010:58:04

Well, just hold on a minute.

0:58:040:58:06

Ah, Matthews.

0:58:090:58:11

This is Mr Matthews, my most able second-in-command.

0:58:110:58:15

-Mr Angus McNally, Dr Collet...

-How do you do, sir?

0:58:150:58:17

..and Reverend James Rich. Well, gentlemen, shall we go inside?

0:58:170:58:22

Here we are. This is the oldest part of the school. It goes back to Henry VIII.

0:58:290:58:33

-Anyone in the dining hall?

-No, sir.

0:58:330:58:35

Well, Billings, perhaps you'll show it to these gentlemen.

0:58:350:58:39

-Matthews and I will see about refreshment.

-After you, gentlemen.

0:58:390:58:44

-What happened?

-I'm sorry, sir. We did what we could in the time.

0:58:440:58:47

-We got the girls off the playing field.

-Where are the rest of them?

-Still here, I'm afraid.

0:58:470:58:51

-We couldn't tell Miss Whitchurch, she's having tea with the parents in her study.

-HER study?

0:58:510:58:56

-YOUR study, sir.

-She won't be for long.

0:58:560:58:58

There's simply no holding Byron at lacrosse this term,

0:58:580:59:02

so Tennyson and Shelley are going to stop the rot.

0:59:020:59:05

When you've finished your tea, we'll see how the battle is faring.

0:59:050:59:10

-RAINBOW:

-Up your end! Higher!

0:59:100:59:12

The sun's very gay this afternoon.

0:59:190:59:21

Another cup of tea, Mr Ibbertson?

0:59:210:59:23

Miss Whitchurch, I must speak to you at once.

0:59:250:59:27

Oh, Doctor, if it's about that little protuberance

0:59:270:59:30

on Cecilia Watson's neck, I'll see you in the common room.

0:59:300:59:34

If you don't mind, Doctor. Excuse me, won't you?

0:59:340:59:37

I hardly think buns and protuberances mix.

0:59:370:59:40

How dare you burst in there, jeopardising my position in that reckless fashion?

0:59:400:59:46

I don't care what you have to say. Do I have to remind you about the governors of Harlingham?

0:59:460:59:51

You do not. They are in the dining hall, here to see the school.

0:59:510:59:54

They've shut Shelley, Tennyson and Byron in the pav.

0:59:540:59:57

-Shut your other brats with them, I'm bringing my boys back from the swimming pool at once.

-Quiet.

0:59:571:00:02

-My parents will hear you.

-Your parents can go and...

-Mr Pond!

1:00:021:00:07

I don't want the whole building involved in the brouhaha. We'll thrash this out in the common room.

1:00:071:00:12

1931 was a vintage year, as you see.

1:00:181:00:20

-Three scholarships to Oxford, two to Cambridge.

-Before Pond's time, I imagine.

1:00:201:00:24

It's no use brandishing governors. One look at what's going on, and my chances of Harlingham are ruined.

1:00:241:00:29

I'll have to establish myself as a victim of circumstances.

1:00:291:00:32

Ramsden, tell Mr Matthews to have the boys brought back from the swimming pool at once.

1:00:321:00:39

So that's where they are.

1:00:391:00:40

My mind is made up on one thing, Miss Whitchurch.

1:00:401:00:43

If I sink, you sink with me.

1:00:431:00:45

Don't act as if next week will do, man!

1:00:451:00:49

Wait!

1:00:491:00:50

Why should we sink, Mr Pond?

1:00:501:00:53

If we keep our wits, we can still come through with flying colours.

1:00:531:00:57

Let us examine this problem calmly.

1:00:571:01:00

Miss Whitchurch, the governors are in the dining hall.

1:01:001:01:03

And my parents are in the study. Both parties wish to tour the school. Very well, so they shall.

1:01:031:01:09

But never the twain shall meet.

1:01:091:01:11

-What will happen when the governors meet a swarm on girls?

-They mustn't.

1:01:111:01:15

The governors must only see boys, the parents, girls.

1:01:151:01:19

We'll have two conducted tours

1:01:191:01:21

going clockwise or anticlockwise, as the case may be.

1:01:211:01:25

It's no use being lily-livered.

1:01:251:01:28

If one party leaves five minutes after the other, we'll have time to interchange classes.

1:01:281:01:33

It'll have to be a miracle of timing.

1:01:331:01:35

If both parties follow the same course.

1:01:351:01:39

If you want my opinion, the whole thing's imposs.

1:01:391:01:42

We don't want your opinion. Thank you, Miss Gossage.

1:01:421:01:45

-Every single boy and girl would have to co-operate.

-Yes.

1:01:451:01:48

That would mean Doris, Cynthia and Pamela deceiving their parents.

1:01:481:01:51

An extra half holiday will cure that. Where's your child psychology?

1:01:511:01:55

That's not the school spirit.

1:01:551:01:57

-Don't talk to Mr Pond like that, Gossage.

-Thank you, Miss Whitchurch.

1:01:571:02:01

-Leave these arrangements to us.

-What do you envisage?

1:02:011:02:04

If I take my parents to see the school museum while you bring your governors to tea in the study,

1:02:041:02:09

-that will give us time to set the stage.

-Yes.

1:02:091:02:12

-Now, let us swiftly plot the itinerary.

-Please, allow me.

1:02:121:02:16

Thank you, Mr Pond.

1:02:161:02:17

Now, this must be very exactly timed.

1:02:171:02:20

-Shall we first synchronise our watches?

-Excellent.

1:02:201:02:24

I'm not a complaining man, Maude, but take these rugby posts.

1:02:241:02:28

It's an annual job that I don't look forward to,

1:02:281:02:31

but today we've had 'em up, taken 'em down and had 'em up again!

1:02:311:02:36

Now you've to take them down again. Tea for four in the study, Mrs Hampstead.

1:02:361:02:41

I think everyone's gone absolutely batty.

1:02:411:02:43

-The governors of Harlingham have arrived.

-What? But...

1:02:431:02:47

-Don't argue, get the boys back to school.

-BLOWS WHISTLE

1:02:471:02:51

We'll just have a quick cup, then start on our travels.

1:02:511:02:56

Priscilla Johnson was romping in a haystack when that Bastard Purple alighted on her.

1:03:031:03:08

She had him in the killing bottle in a flash.

1:03:081:03:10

Here they come, girls. Onto the field again. Buck up!

1:03:101:03:13

Hurrah!

1:03:131:03:16

Well, I think that exhausts the butterflies.

1:03:231:03:27

Shall we start out tour of the classrooms?

1:03:271:03:30

It's always been my view that too much...

1:03:301:03:33

-WHISTLE BLOWS Is that a rugby game?

-No.

1:03:331:03:36

Short blast. Too much concentration on examinations makes boys sluggish.

1:03:361:03:41

Good afternoon, girls. You may sit down.

1:03:411:03:44

-Good afternoon, Miss Harper.

-Good afternoon, Miss Whitchurch.

1:03:441:03:48

-This is the sixth form. They're taking French history. It'll be Louis XIII.

-There's Angela.

1:03:481:03:54

Could we have a word with Angela?

1:03:541:03:56

If you wish. Angela Parry, you may fall out.

1:03:561:03:59

Hello, Mumsy.

1:04:011:04:03

-Hello, Pop.

-Hello, Angela.

-It's good to see you.

1:04:031:04:07

Your parents want to know how you like the school,

1:04:071:04:09

but don't commit yourself unless you've made up your mind.

1:04:091:04:13

Oh, I have. I think it's an absolute scorcher! I never dreamt...

1:04:131:04:17

How's your history progressing, Angela?

1:04:171:04:19

She's always been weak on dates.

1:04:191:04:21

-Not this term, Pop.

-What are you up to at the moment, Angela?

1:04:211:04:25

Oh, nothing, Mumsy.

1:04:251:04:26

-If they've been telling you about Archie Brown...

-Archie...

1:04:261:04:31

Archibald Brown, in case you didn't know, was the man who held the torch for Guy Fawkes.

1:04:311:04:37

I've been running them over the "backroom boys" of history.

1:04:371:04:41

Get back to your class now, Angela. Say goodbye to your parents.

1:04:411:04:45

-Bye, Mumsy. Bye, Pop.

-Goodbye, dear.

-Goodbye, Angela.

-That's right.

1:04:451:04:48

Come along, everybody. Such a charming child.

1:04:481:04:51

A great favourite with the other girls. A pity she's leaving this term.

1:04:511:04:56

Oh, to the right now, Mrs Ibbertson.

1:04:561:04:59

OK.

1:05:061:05:08

All clear. Away with the first party.

1:05:101:05:12

Right, move one pace forward. March.

1:05:121:05:15

Now, at the double.

1:05:151:05:17

-Surely they'll find out.

-Ours is not to reason why.

-If they do, we'll have to find fresh posts.

1:05:241:05:28

-Yes, at a progressive school where the kids throw inkpots!

-It'll be a rest after this.

1:05:281:05:33

-That must be the start of the game.

-No, no, three short blasts for that.

1:05:351:05:40

If you're finished with your tea, we can start on our circumambulation.

1:05:401:05:45

Now we're going to see the miming class. They're doing the death of Charles I.

1:05:451:05:49

-The one with the crown is the king.

-Could we go in and watch?

1:05:491:05:54

Well, perhaps for a few minutes.

1:05:541:05:57

But no talking. It's an iron rule with the miming class.

1:05:571:06:01

Good afternoon, boys. Good afternoon, Mr Tassell. Sit down, boys.

1:06:111:06:15

Gentlemen, they're taking English.

1:06:151:06:17

Carry on, Mr Tassell.

1:06:171:06:19

As I was saying, a mixed metaphor is an expression in which two or three metaphors are confused.

1:06:191:06:25

-Could the boys give an example? I'd like to see what they know.

-Certainly. Metcalf,

1:06:251:06:30

would you give us an example of a mixed metaphor?

1:06:301:06:33

Playing with fire. Skating on thin ice. And if anything happens to upset the applecart,

1:06:331:06:38

someone is going to lose his bread and butter.

1:06:381:06:42

Very good, Metcalf. Sit down.

1:06:421:06:44

-They seem quite bright.

-Yes.

1:06:441:06:46

-That satisfies me. Shall we move on?

-Gentlemen, wouldn't you like to hear a little...onomatopoeia?

1:06:461:06:51

They're good at onomatopoeia.

1:06:511:06:54

-What did you say your name was?

-Metcalf, sir.

-Metcalf.

1:06:541:06:57

To your right, gentlemen, to your right.

1:06:571:07:01

Down, girls, away you go.

1:07:321:07:34

Come along, Jennifer, no loitering.

1:07:361:07:38

The school curriculum, I'll explain it quite briefly.

1:07:381:07:42

We don't want to know about the curriculum. We want a picture of the way the school is running.

1:07:421:07:47

-Who on earth was that?

-Little Lucy, the housekeeper's daughter.

1:07:581:08:02

The rascal's not allowed upstairs. I'll have to speak to Mrs Hampstead.

1:08:021:08:06

Gentlemen, shall we make history?

1:08:061:08:08

It's a maze of corridors around here.

1:08:111:08:13

This way, if you please. Round the corner.

1:08:131:08:16

We'll have to hurry to see the dressmaking class before break.

1:08:161:08:20

The middle third are leading the school with their underwear this term.

1:08:201:08:25

-The upper fifth are taking William of Orange.

-We needn't bother with that.

-I don't think so.

1:08:251:08:31

-Not William of Orange?

-I'd rather see the rugger.

-So you shall.

1:08:311:08:35

We've got to see other things first.

1:08:351:08:37

-They skipped the upper fifth. They're catching up.

-Run!

1:08:421:08:45

Quite an impressive collection of nether garments, Miss Curtis.

1:08:451:08:49

I think we'd better pass on now.

1:08:501:08:53

I don't want you to miss the choir's rendering of Nymphs And Shepherds, Come Away.

1:08:531:08:58

Thank you, Miss Curtis. Come along, or we shall be too late.

1:08:581:09:02

Edward, please, you simply must look at these etchings.

1:09:021:09:06

-This particular one...

-Interesting, I'm sure, but not what we came to see. Where do we go from here?

1:09:061:09:13

Oh, let me see.

1:09:131:09:15

Yes, I think we might risk a little theoretical physics.

1:09:151:09:19

BOYS LAUGH AND GIGGLE

1:09:201:09:23

Quiet, boys, quiet. Get that stuff out of sight.

1:09:251:09:28

We seem to be doing a lot of padding round, don't we?

1:09:281:09:32

Oh, how stupid of me!

1:09:321:09:34

The physics class is first right and first right again. 15 years here and I don't know my own way yet!

1:09:341:09:40

-They've gone down the wrong corridor.

-Gosh, that's torn it!

1:09:411:09:45

Nymphs And Shepherds should be accompanied by a recorder and a harpsichord.

1:09:451:09:49

-What is it, dear?

-They've gone the wrong way.

-Don't bother me now, Alice. Unpick it and start again.

1:09:491:09:56

She's such a panicky child. She never manages blackberry stitches.

1:09:561:10:00

Oh, we've plenty of cupboard accommodation.

1:10:001:10:03

Oh, I should have known they were there. I'm so sorry.

1:10:031:10:06

A mistake at the sports shop. They sent the wrong sort.

1:10:061:10:10

This is indeed circumambulation.

1:10:101:10:12

Pack them all in, Helen.

1:10:121:10:15

Oh, we're almost there, gentlemen.

1:10:151:10:17

-Good heavens! Who did that?

-That reminds me.

-I'm afraid it would.

1:10:171:10:21

All in good time, Doctor. I'll enquire into this later.

1:10:211:10:24

Now...

1:10:241:10:26

Good afternoon, boys. Sit down.

1:10:281:10:31

Mr Ramsden. This is the middle fifth. They're fairly advanced with their physics, I'm happy to say.

1:10:311:10:37

-Electronics? Well...

-What the devil's this?

1:10:371:10:40

Has the dressmaking class been here?

1:10:441:10:47

Many boys go into the navy. We had a request from the Admiralty that they should mend their own clothes.

1:10:471:10:53

-Yes, but this is crepe de Chine underwear.

-Huh! Lucky to get it!

1:10:531:10:57

Very, very lucky indeed!

1:10:571:11:00

# ..In these groves Let's sport and play

1:11:001:11:03

# Let's sport and play Let's sport and play

1:11:031:11:06

# For this is Flora's holiday

1:11:061:11:09

# This is Flora's holiday

1:11:091:11:11

# This is Flora's holiday... # There's Angela again.

1:11:111:11:15

Fancy! There must have been a quick changeover while we came upstairs.

1:11:151:11:21

SINGING CONTINUES

1:11:211:11:24

I'm sorry we couldn't stay longer.

1:11:281:11:30

# Your flocks may now Now, now, now

1:11:321:11:34

# Now, now, now Now, now, now

1:11:341:11:36

# Securely rove... #

1:11:361:11:38

I love listening to boy sopranos, don't you? Sometimes it's impossible to distinguish them from girls.

1:11:381:11:45

-BOYS SING IN DEEP VOICES

-# Where have you been all the day Billy boy, Billy boy?

1:11:451:11:49

# Where have you been all the day My Billy boy...? #

1:11:491:11:53

I believe in contrast too. I'm for developing musical appreciation.

1:11:531:11:58

-We don't want to be bothered by this, Dr Collins.

-What?

1:11:581:12:02

-No, I suppose not.

-I'd rather like to.

1:12:021:12:05

No, I thought not. I'd like you to look into the sick room a moment.

1:12:051:12:08

I'm more interested in the fit than the unfit.

1:12:081:12:11

-What about the rugger?

-Immediately afterwards.

1:12:111:12:13

To the right, then up the stairs.

1:12:161:12:18

We haven't had many people in the sick room. I think the air must agree with them.

1:12:221:12:27

It's nice to have the sick room at the top of the house. So much more air.

1:12:271:12:32

We mustn't stop long. Good afternoon, girls.

1:12:321:12:35

Good afternoon, Miss Whitchurch.

1:12:351:12:37

I mustn't let you pick up germs, or the doctor will be on my track. Now the gymnasium.

1:12:371:12:42

-To your right and downstairs.

-DOOR CLOSES

1:12:421:12:44

I hate to be a nuisance, but I'm most anxious to see the lacrosse.

1:12:511:12:55

Yes, Mrs Jones, we'll see what we can do. You'll be delighted with the gym display.

1:12:551:13:00

Pleasant little gym, isn't it?

1:13:041:13:06

Why, there's Angela again.

1:13:091:13:11

Yes, the child's quite ubiquitous.

1:13:111:13:14

Miss Harper. (It should be rugby now, but tell Miss Gossage to lay on lacrosse in five minutes.)

1:13:141:13:20

-Very good.

-Thank you.

1:13:201:13:22

Gossy, you're to get the girls back on the field with lacrosse again.

1:13:261:13:31

-But they've just started a rugger game.

-Miss Whitchurch's orders.

1:13:311:13:35

All right, girls, back on the field.

1:13:351:13:38

Here we are.

1:13:401:13:42

Nothing much wrong with the patients, I'm glad to say.

1:13:421:13:45

Now for the gym.

1:13:451:13:47

-Just time for a quick look at the garden, then to the lacrosse, eh, Mrs Jones?

-Thank you.

-Left here.

1:13:471:13:53

Come on, girls, out!

1:13:551:13:57

Right, boys, on the mat, quickly!

1:14:041:14:07

Down.

1:14:071:14:08

Change round.

1:14:081:14:10

I've got a special display laid on for you.

1:14:101:14:13

-They're coming.

-Here...

1:14:131:14:15

This way, gentlemen,

1:14:151:14:17

the boys are very keen.

1:14:171:14:19

Good, good. Very good, Tassell.

1:14:281:14:31

Yes, there's nothing like plenty of good, healthy exercise.

1:14:311:14:36

Don't you agree, Doctor?

1:14:361:14:38

Where's Dr Collet?

1:14:381:14:39

Where's Dr Collet?!

1:14:391:14:41

-Good afternoon. Could you tell me where I can find Miss Whitchurch?

-I've never heard of her.

1:14:411:14:46

Dr Collet! Where's Dr Collet?

1:14:491:14:51

Dr Collet!

1:14:521:14:54

Oh! Oh!

1:14:581:14:59

-Mr Pond!

-We're waiting for an explanation, Mr Pond.

1:15:051:15:08

Can't you see I'm trying to think of one?

1:15:081:15:10

Never mind, come outside, I'll show you something.

1:15:101:15:13

GIRLS SHOUT Take a look at that.

1:15:171:15:20

What on earth?!

1:15:201:15:22

We won seven matches last term and hope to do even better this term.

1:15:351:15:39

That's bad.

1:15:411:15:43

Come on, girls, tackle him low. Get him down.

1:15:471:15:50

-Stop it!

-Hold him, hold him!

1:15:501:15:53

Stop it, Gossage. Stop it.

1:15:531:15:56

That's ghastly.

1:15:561:15:58

Lacrosse.

1:15:581:16:00

La-double-cross.

1:16:021:16:04

-It's unbelievable.

-It's monstrous!

1:16:041:16:07

Excuse me, you're Mr Pond, I believe.

1:16:071:16:09

My name is West, regional officer of the Ministry.

1:16:091:16:12

I've been instructed to deal with this matter. Most unfortunate, but I think I've found the solution.

1:16:121:16:18

You are a co-educational school, I believe.

1:16:181:16:21

Well, I've arranged for another co-education school to replace St Swithin's next Wednesday.

1:16:211:16:27

-What, another school?

-It looks as if they're ahead of schedule.

1:16:271:16:31

-Have you the faintest idea what's going on?

-No, dear.

1:16:491:16:52

BELLS RING, HOOTERS BLARE

1:16:591:17:01

I have a brother

1:17:231:17:25

who grows groundnuts in Tanganyika.

1:17:251:17:27

He writes that there are splendid opportunities

1:17:271:17:30

for education among the natives.

1:17:301:17:32

Oh, madam, I'm amenable to any suggestion.

1:17:321:17:35

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