Wonder Man

Once we get the goods on him they let him out on bail.

With Buzzy Bellew on the stand

it's curtains for Jackson.

I'm worried about Bellew with Jackson loose.

I tried to get him protection,

but you can't get him to worry about anything.

I hear it's a clip joint.

What do you mean? Oh! Mr Bellew.

They held up the show for you.

Very wise move.

What does the clock say?

-BOTH:

-Tick, tock.

You're dynamite, Max. We rehearsed for two hours.

Great. Monte's throwing a fit.

Take it easy. What do I owe you?

60 cents, Buzzy.

I'll toss you for it. Give me a coin.

Come on, Max. Attaboy.

What do you cry?

Tails.

Too bad, you lose.

Hey, Buzzy. My quarter. My quarter!

This guy is money-mad. Here.

Five bucks! What a sweetheart.

I hear Buzzy's great.

BOO!

Am I too early?

Pierre, je veux un croissant.

Tres bien.

Bring a whole bottle of beer.

Save the comedy till you get on.

I've held the show.

It's just the opening number.

For the third time. They've followed themselves.

If you got better girls, the men would follow. Thanks.

I don't know what kind of a place

you think I'm running here!

You're not the only comic!

Wonderful celery. I can't hear a word you're saying.

I don't know how Midge stands you.

Are you a new girl?

Yes.

Oh, no! SHE GIGGLES

Mmm.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Just a minute.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

IN IRISH ACCENT: Pardon me.

Oh, it's you.

Indeed it is that!

Detective Patrick Fitzpatrick O'Shaughnessy.

An Irishman.

What's wrong? Is it Buzzy again?

Oh, indeed it is, ma'am. Indeed it is.

We caught him robbing a jewellery store. Look.

Twas an engagement ring he was after.

O'Shaughnessy!

There's no telling what a man will do for a woman.

All he wants to know is,

do you love him enough to wait 20 years?

I've waited 20 years already, what's 20 more?

He stood me up in every church.

Oh, did he do that now?

Well, I'll release him and he'll marry you this Tuesday.

But it is a fine girl you are!

Oh, that you are, ma'am.

Will you have a cigar, ma'am?

Thanks. I'll smoke it after dinner.

In that case I'll save it.

Give your father a kiss.

Oh, Buzzy, I'm glad you're not twins.

In fact, I am.

I've got a twin brother I haven't seen in years.

Is that right? Maybe I should marry him.

No, you wouldn't like him, honey. He's a bookworm.

You're much better off with me. I'm just a worm.

I better crawl into my costume,

or Monte will step on me.

What a guy.

Hello, Monte.

Ten Grand! I thought you were...

I was, but a pal bailed me out.

Did I get sprung in time?

Sure. You can catch Buzzy.

Good. I hear he's singing out of tune lately.

Show Mr Jackson to his table.

Right this way, Mr Jackson.

CRASH OF CYMBALS

HE ROARS

HE ROARS LOUDER

Ruff.

HE GIGGLES

SHE SCREAMS

-BOTH:

-# Somewhere off the coast of Java

# Fell a little piece of lava

# That grew up to be the island known as Bali

# Bali-la, la, la

# Bali, Bali, Bali-la

# Every native girl looked sorta

# Like a farmer's daughter oughtta

# And for dancing they are simply off their trolley

# Trolley-la, trolley-la! #

Hey! Hey!

# But they hadn't seen a new step

# Since Methuselah did the two-step

# On their isolated island they were way off...-beat

# From jive they were closeted

# Till the storm deposited on their beach

# A jiving jack from Lower Basin...Street

# He went up and got a look-in

# And said, "Hey, hey, what's cookin'?"

# This here joint is jumpin' but we're melancholy

# Lali-la, Lali-la

# Lali, Lali, Lali-la

# So he took their native movements

# Added in the groove improvements

# Now they're really on the trolley down in Bali

# They made him king of the whole darn thing

# And gave him for his queen

# The Balinese equivalent

-# Of Olivia de

-Hivilland

# Batock-a-boing-boing Yock-ba-toc, a-zoo-floo

# Batock-a-boing-boing Yock-ba-toc, a-ree-bee

# Batock-a-boing-boing Yock-ba-toc, a-siff-riff

# A-hacachoochoo, chatanoogie Bali boogie

# Awaka-soing-soing Ucawaca slick lick

# Awaca-soing-soing Ucawaca hep step

# Awaca-soing-soing Ucawaca live jive

# A-hacachoochoo, chatanoogie Bali boogie

# Now if you can't dig the chatter

# With the greatest of ease

# It really doesn't matter Here's a translation, please

# Batock-a-boing-boing

# Awacawaca-soing-soing

# Means

# Shoot the lava to me, Java

# Batock-a-boing-boing Yock-ba-toc, a-zoo-floo

# Batock-a-boing-boing Yock-ba-toc, a-ree-bee

# Yatock-a-boing-boing Yock-ba-toc, a-live-jive

# Hacachoochoo, hacachoochoo, Hacachoochoo, hacachoochoo

# Hacachoochoo, chatanoogie, Bali boogie! #

A yac-batack-a and a...HIC!

Ree-bee. Yac-bataca-boing...HIC!

LOUD RINGING

SOFT TINKLING

RINGS BELLS

CLATTERING

BELLS RING OUT PLAINTIVE TUNE

CLASH OF CYMBALS HE SCREAMS

HE LAUGHS

Bo-innng!

You look happy.

I am.

Honey, you were swell.

Pretty soon that's going to be legal.

Hurry and get dressed.

He means business this time. Look.

That's love or his horse came in.

He hasn't had a win in a month.

He got one tonight.

I guess you're just a sister to me.

Monte...

Buzzy's the right guy.

But if he takes the act to Reno,

I'll be waiting for you.

I know you will.

HE HUMS BALI NUMBER

You're dynamite.

I gotta get more dough.

HE WHISTLES

Lilies, Mr Bellew.

Wrong room. I don't need lilies.

You will in a minute.

HE FIRES THREE TIMES

Hey, Torso, come on.

SOFT, ANGELIC MUSIC

I'll go off the deep end if she...

What's the matter, Mr Dingle?

Do you hear music?

No, do you?

Well, I'm not certain. I...

It's gone now.

And I feel better. That's curious.

Mr Dingle, you work too hard.

What's this?

My chapter on (the topography of the Palaeozoic era.)

Buzzy, Buzzy, Buzzy, Buzzy...

Is that what I've been doing?

"Buzzy"?

That name came to me last night.

What does it mean?

I haven't the vaguest idea. I just...

When I think of it I hear music and can't breathe...

..and I feel cold and damp.

You better go home. You have the flu.

Don't worry about me, I'm all right.

DOOR SLAMS

Young lady...

BANG!

In all those books on Ancient Rome there's no Anaxamoras!

I've never heard of Anaxamoras.

Excuse me, but it's Anaxagaras.

Really?

He was born in 500BC.

He was a friend of Socrates and Pericles.

He died in 420BC.

There.

Heavens! He writes with both hands!

-ALL:

-Shh!

Don't shush me. It's a public library.

Madam...

Just a minute. Who is that peculiar person?

Mr Dingle is not peculiar. He's very brilliant. >

Why does he write with two hands?

It saves time.

What's he do for a living?

He's there every day.

Why?!

He's writing a book. Come this way.

No, I must speak to that young man.

Young man, I'm Mrs Leland-Hugh.

How do you do?

I'm giving a literary tea. Could you come and entertain?

Entertain? Perhaps if I weren't so preoccupied...

My guests will be amused. Could I have your phone number?

I can't come. I've got ochlophobia -

..fear of crowds, especially women. Worst case recorded!

Oh, yes, I see. I understand.

Ocha...ochlophobia?

Yes.

I wouldn't want my friends exposed to it. Thank you.

Goodbye, Mr Bungle.

Bingle.

Dingle! You said "Bingle".

Oh, did I?! I was so confused,

I didn't know what I was saying.

Sorry. It was my fault.

No. You handled it superbly.

You should have spit in her eye.

I couldn't.

You won't be disturbed any more when you return.

Will you come back tomorrow?

By all means. I enjoy it here a lot.

I love the smell of leather bindings.

Oh.

Miss Shanley?

Yes?

I was wondering...

What?

I hope I'm not too forward but would you like to have dinner?

I'd love to.

You would? On the 1st of next month.

Oh?

It's a financial problem.

You could have dinner with me tonight.

We could eat at my place.

Well...

You'll get something warm and you won't hear that music.

I don't know.

I have canned things.

I love canned things.

Wonderful.

What is ochlophobia?

A morbid fear of women.

Oh. Is there any cure for it?

Yes, decidedly.

Decidedly.

You have the most extraordinary mind.

I wouldn't say that.

You're modest, aren't you?

I guess I am.

If I had a mind like yours, or any mind at all, I'd be a brazen hussy.

BOTH LAUGH

That's the first time you've laughed since you read The Phoenician Wars.

Yes, I guess it is, if that.

I really enjoy being here.

I'm glad. I like having you.

I better get to work.

You need to get away from those musty books

and get a job. With your brain,

you should have no trouble. You even know how to cook.

I don't really.

Honey.

Yes?

The honey, please.

Oh, the honey, please.

Thank you.

Mr Dingle, how long have you worn glasses?

I wear them for reading.

You're not reading now.

I was afraid I might lose them.

There. You ought to be happy.

You don't look at all brilliant.

I'm happier if you call me Edwin.

Edwin.

Do you always part your hair in the middle?

Yes, why?

Nobody looks good with hair that way.

Oh.

Let me try something.

There. Keep wearing it that way.

I'll try. I should come to the library and have you fix it.

BOTH GIGGLE

It's funny. My brother wore his hair parted in the middle.

When he changed it, it changed him.

Really?

Yes. He ran away and went on the stage.

There's no danger of that.

I shouldn't think so.

How many brothers have you?

Just one brother. I haven't seen in years.

I have a picture of him. We're monozygotic twins.

What are those?

Super identical - a rare phenomenon.

I hope he's as nice as you.

Thanks, Miss Shanley.

STEAM HISSES

Oh, my souffle!

Wait... I'll...

What a shame.

Sorry.

We'll have something else. You like frankfurters?

Yes.

What goes with them?

Cranberry sauce, popcorn, smoked oysters, no.

I have it, potato salad.

I haven't a can of potato salad.

I'll go to a delicatessen.

There's one round the corner.

I'll be back in a minute.

If Schmidt passes off yesterday's salad on you,

throw it at him.

I'll do more than that. I'll spit in his eye.

SHARPENING OF KNIVES

Why not slice baloney with a razor?

If you don't like it, take your business somewhere else!

I'll tell you, get out! No baloney.

What you want?

Good evening. Miss Shanley sent me. I'd like a pint of...

SOFT, ANGELIC MUSIC

That music.

Prospect Park.

What?!

That music. It's very pretty.

Music? What music?

I ask you what you want?

I'd like a pint of Prospect Park?

Pint of what? >

Prospect Park.

HE CHUCKLES

Look, we are all out of Prospect Park,

but maybe you'd like a quarter of Ebbot's Field? No?

No? >

No, Prospect Park. I've got to go.

Prospect Park. Buzzy...

I've got to get to Buzzy Park.

Thank you very much.

Shoosh!

I pay my taxes, I don't water the milk, I keep my hands off the scale.

I want a State Democratic Party

and a man wants a pint of Prospect Park.

How do you like this? Mmm!

Is this the bus to potato salad?

Give me that once more.

Prospect Park.

I thought you said you want to go to potato salad.

I do! Hurry, please. I must get to the Buzzy Park.

Pardon me.

Mr Schmidt? This is Ellen Shanley.

I sent a young man into you.

Uh-huh. He didn't come back?

Congratulations. You don't know how lucky you are.

Lock up and don't let him in.

You live in Brooklyn?

No.

Why are you going to Brooklyn?

I'm not.

The bus is.

The bus is going to the delicatessen.

It is? What for?

Potato salad.

POTATO SALAD! She's waiting.

I don't want to go to Brooklyn. You can't make me!

None of us want to, but we gotta sooner or later.

No, no, no, stop the bus, please!

I lose more passengers that way.

-GHOSTLY VOICE:

-'Edwin!'

'Edwin!'

'Edwin!'

'Edwin.'

Hey, Edwin.

Come here.

Buster?

Buster, this is wonderful.

Oh, it's murder!

To meet you here of all places!

You wouldn't be found dead in Brooklyn.

That was the only way they could get me here.

You haven't changed. You look just like me.

You haven't either. You look just like me.

All the time, Edwin, sharp as a tack!

Why are you here?

Edwin, d'you ever see a murder?

Murder? Heavens, no!

I did, a week ago. I told the DA and they picked up the guy on suspicion.

Before I could swear out a statement

Ten Grand got out on bail and swore he'd knock me off.

Buster, you're in a precarious position

and you don't look worried.

Why worry? They killed me last night.

I don't appreciate your humour.

I know it's hard to swallow, but I'm dead.

Am I to believe that?

Believe what you want. Is this trick photography?

HE MOANS

Bu... I... Bu...

HE STUTTERS

Buster, how did you accomplish that?

I'm trying to tell ya. I can get in and out of anything.

It's impossible.

It must be an optical illusion.

I can't explain, but it's inconceivable.

You're a tough nut to crack.

Give me a swig.

It's positively childish.

It won't hold water.

Buster! Haven't you outgrown those practical jokes?

This isn't a gag, Edwin. I need your help.

I'd do anything for you, but I can't accept you're not alive.

I can hear every word you say.

Maybe it's because we're identical twins.

All I know is that you can see

and hear me but nobody else can.

Maybe this'll convince you.

Hey, flatfoot, how'd you like a kick in the seat?

Why, that's astounding.

No, it isn't. It's a fact that when one drinks water...

..the canals of the ears constrict,

numbing the acoustic nerve.

Does the acoustic nerve run down that far?

Why, you!

Good evening.

What are you doing?

Forgive me. It was an experiment.

I'll show you an experiment!

But my brother Buster did it first.

What brother?

Just standing right there. He's a ghost.

Yeah.

I see him. He's standing there wearing a racoon coat.

No, tails.

Yeah, there in that tree swinging by his tails.

Then he is dead.

Buster is dead.

Sure, that's it.

I'll go back to the station

and have the boys chip in for a wreath.

Pardon me, Buster.

-HE LAUGHS

-Are you satisfied, Eddie?

Yes, but you understand my scepticism.

My own brother a ghost.

I knew you'd come to no good, Buster Dingle.

Come to no good!

Two grand a week at the Pelican Club. Buster Dingle!

Didn't you hear of Buzzy Bellew?

Buzzy?

Buzzy. Then it was you.

That name came to me last night.

It's because I contacted you.

It was at midnight when they bumped me off.

They threw me off that bridge.

That's why I felt drawn to this spot.

Thales of Miletus.

What?

The control of magnetic forces over material. Thales was right.

Pay him the 64!

All I know is I got you here to help me fry that rat Ten Grand Jackson.

I'd go to any extreme.

That's the spirit. Here's what you do.

Nobody knows they killed me, so take my place.

HE COUGHS Shh! Shh!

They don't even know I'm alive... I mean dead.

Hip chick. Just be me until the trial is over.

But if Ten Grand wants to prevent you testifying,...

..he'll kill you, I mean me, because I'll be you. Oh, dear.

Not scared, are you?

"Fear" is not in my lexicon.

Then why worry?

If I took your place, I'd be dead in an hour.

I'll handle it, even though I'm a beginner.

No telling what I could do!

Didn't you want potato salad?

POTATO SALAD! I have to go.

Stop, Eddie!

Let's go.

Brooklyn's full of 'em.

Amazing. A demonstration of Thales' power of magnetic compulsion.

Kid's stuff.

What I...

MAN SCREAMS

Why d'you hit me? I did nothing.

I'm in the car, if you want to ride home.

Read any books lately?

Don't be vulgar.

Vulgar? I'm just powdering my nose.

Sorry, Miss, I wasn't talking to you.

And I think of the time I wasted living.

Did you say you sing in a club?

No, a bakery, but a lot of people

take me for Lana Turner.

You could fool me.

Stop! How am I going to take your place in the club?

I don't work in a club.

I do.

What are you saying?

Stay out of this.

You talked first!

No!

You started all this. You made me come here.

I did not. Mike! Mike!

-Hey, Mike!

-SHE WHISTLES

He's getting fresh with me.

Asking for trouble?

"Asking for trouble?"

Avoiding it.

"Avoiding it."

I couldn't deceive for a day.

I deceived nobody.

A likely story.

Stop it! Let's settle this. Come up to my room like you used to.

-ALL:

-WHAT!!

Take your glasses off.

-BOTH:

-You see, honey? You can't trust nobody these days.

-BOTH:

-Except for sailors.

Oh.

Mmm.

I have a vague feeling this won't work out, Buster.

You're just dizzy from the punch.

I'll take care of you.

I can make people disappear and stop bullets.

Move. You gotta take my place.

Buster, it's futile.

I haven't the slightest knowledge of how to sing.

Don't worry, I got a gimmick. I'll use it at the trial, too.

What's the gimmick?

When you need me, you'll hear music.

SOFT, ANGELIC MUSIC

And I'll use your body.

What do you mean, "Use my body"?

Like this.

Oh, no, Buster! What are you doing?

Get out of me, Buster! I must talk to you immediately.

Buster! Buster! Buster!

Please, Buster, this is ridiculous.

Stop it, I tell you.

Buster, you can't do this to me, Buster. I won't...

It's my brother Buster again. He's inside me now.

Buster, the masquerade'll be palpably inadequate.

Palpably inadequate.

# Palpably inadequate Palpably inadequate

# PALPABLY inadequate blues

# I've got the palpably inadequate

# Palpably inadequate

# Boom-ding, boom-ding, boom, boom, ding, ding

# Oooohh le! #

HE IMITATES FLUTE

HE IMITATES CELLO

HE BARKS

# Rock-a-bye, baby On the tree top

# Palpably inadequate blues! #

HE BABBLES

Bye-bye.

Yippee! Wee!

Yippee! Yahoo! Yippee!

Yippee! Wee! Woo!

Yahoo!

# Rock-a-bye, baby On the tree top

# When the... Huh! #

Buster!

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

Buster!

Buzzy! Buster, come back here.

Buster! Buster!

Potato salad!

Mr Schmidt! Mr Schmidt!

Yes, yes, I'm coming.

Impertinent! Late in the night.

Ja, ja, ja, I'm coming.

Mr Schmidt! HE BANGS

HE BANGS Mr Schmidt!

Don't! Shoosh! Don't! Come in.

Thank you.

Shoosh! What do you want?

What?

Wh.. shoosh! What do you want?

I might hear music.

Music? There is a nice place down the street. They sell Prospect Park.

Maybe even the Empire State Building.

Why don't you go down there?

SOFT, ANGELIC MUSIC

Pelican Club!

What?

I'd like a pint of...

A pint of...?

A pint of Pelican.

A pint of pelican!!

Sorry to cause you trouble. It's my brother.

Your brother? Shoosh.

He gets inside me, I can't help it. He makes me do it.

I hear the music and I can't find him.

I must go to the Pelican Club and go through with it!

Evening, Mr Bellew.

Hi, Buzzy.

Hello, Mr Bellew.

Hi, Mr Bellew.

Hello, Buzzy.

Don't run. I want to talk to you.

ALL SCREAM

SCREAMING

Pardon me.

ALL CHATTER EXCITEDLY

When will you grow up?

Are you addressing me?

Where d'you get the outfit and cheaters?

Return them.

They won't help. Midge'll slug you anyway.

Midge? Midge who?

Stop that.

You stood her up last night, didn't you?

She cried all morning.

Is that a way to treat your future wife?

HE SPLUTTERS Wife?

Oh, wife. Yes, of course.

Well, there's really nothing definite.

We haven't published the banns.

What banns?

Are you serious with her?

You don't realise how serious it is.

Are you going to marry her tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

Yes, of course. Certainly. Yes, yes.

All right, she's waiting.

Slip her a kiss, square the beef

so she'll know you're on the up and up.

Very well.

I'll slip her a kiss, square the beef

so she'll know I'm on the up and up.

Oh, just the man I'm looking for.

Well, what was that for?

I slipped you that kiss

to slice beef and show you I'm on the up and up.

Will you marry me?

If you can talk my husband into it.

Now zip me up, you clown.

Hurry up.

HE COUGHS

Are you the wardrobe mistress now?

I suppose so. What can I do for you?

You can put that back in your nose!

You don't have to be jealous, Midge.

Midge? Oh, you're Midge. Excuse me.

There. I'm a square of beef

and everything is on the up in arms.

Someday you won't get away with it.

Good thing I'm as wacky as you.

Four seconds late with your snack.

Thank you.

Potato salad. Potato salad! She's waiting for me. Uh...

Forgive me, ladies. There's an urgent matter I must attend to. Phone.

And that's the guy I'm going to marry.

Sorry, Ellen, complications arose.

I'll explain later. I have a position

Well, of course I'm disappointed.

But I'm delighted if you found a job. What?

What job do you work till midnight?

It's a most peculiar establishment.

BARKING

It's a pet shop.

Open till midnight? D'you sell owls?!

We stock the entire animal kingdom.

Listen, you can hear for yourself.

DOG PANTS AND BARKS

DOG HOWLS

HE CLUCKS

Cock-a-doodle-doo! HE MOOS

MIMICS PARROT: Polly, want a cracker? Polly, want a cracker?

HE TWEETS

HE HOOTS

That's an owl, Ellen.

What? HE CLUCKS

HE MEOWS AND HISSES

BARKING

HE GURGLES

What's that?

Goldfish.

Edwin Dingle, I don't know what you're up to!

Take your animals and have dinner with them! And study in another library!

Oh, wait... Ellen, hello. Hello?

Ellen? Ellen?

She hung up, eh?

No, that was an acquaintance in a pet shop. He's crazy.

HE GURGLES Goldfish!

Your tails are clean.

Mmm?

You're on in ten minutes.

We're honoured again tonight. Ten Grand's out front.

Ten Grand! Did you hear? He said...

"O what a tangled web we weave,

"When first we practise to deceive!"

Sir Walter Scott's Marmion.

Canto 6, stanza 17. How beautiful.

Where on Earth is Fred?

We've been going steady.

We had a date to meet here at eight and he's ten minutes late already!

Freddy!

Freddy.

# So in love

# I'm so in love

# Part of my heart said no, no, no,

# The other part said, "Let's go"

# And was I afraid, but I obeyed

# Part of my heart said, "Let's go"

# I couldn't say no, no, no

# Just one week ago I made my mind up

# That I'd never fall again and then I wind up

# So in love

# But so in love

# I oughtta feel high but I feel low

# And here's what I want to know

# Does the one I'm so in love with love me so? #

Do you have a problem?

Is your Don Juan gone? Is your Casanova a rover?

Step inside. Absolutely free if you want to be a bride.

Wisdom's pearls from the lips of the Goldwyn girls.

Hurry, hurry! You're just in time. Absolutely free...

Oh.

If you pay a dime.

# So you want to know If he loves you so

# Well, you poor smitten kitten

# On a wedding you can plan

# Cos the Northwest Mounted comes to us

# When they really want to get their man

# Have you tried picking petals

# And seeing what it settles off a daisy?

# Have you tried mixing juleps

# With a stroll through the tulips while he's hazy?

# Have you tried weeping on his shoulder...

# During Tristan and Isolde?

# Have you tried baking him a biscuit?

# Or don't you think you ought to risk it?

# Have you tried Wheaties?

# But there's one sure cure that'll open his eyes

# Flirt with a couple of other guys

# Cleopatra rose on it

# We'll bet our doggone hose on it

# Try playing the field And he'll yield #

APPLAUSE

We're looking for Ten Grand Jackson.

He's at his regular table.

Huh?

I say he's at his...

Look, you ain't no deafer than I am.

I know it, but it makes me look very distinguee.

Come on.

I told you to come to my office.

The DA's back, we gotta be cool.

We want our money.

Sure you gave him a bath?

In Prospect Park Lake.

They ain't even had time to take his name off the marquee!

Wonder who Monte's going to put in his place.

I'll miss Buzzy - a great performer.

BAND STRIKES UP

BAND STRIKES UP AGAIN

Buster, where are you? Buster!

What's with him? Every night a new act.

Please, Buster!

Who's that?

Under the spreading chestnut tree,

the village smithy stands...

# The smith - a mighty man is he

# Large sinewy hands! #

Get the show going. Shoot the mic.

His brow is wet with honest sweat

He... He earns what e'er he can...

He-e-e... BUSTER!

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, I think some explanation is due...

..but I, uh,... unfortunately, I...

I don't like this routine. Better get the girls back on!

I simply can't...

ALL SCREAM

SOFT ANGELIC MUSIC

The music! There it is - the music!

Buster! Where have you been?

Shh.

(I thought you'd never get here.)

You're a big, talentless hunk!

You'll ruin my reputation!

YAHOO!

Get your laughing belts on, folks,

we're going to go to work. Ha, ha!

Come on, girls, hurry up.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Hold it.

Like an Eskimo girl, I need time to warm up.

You never know what he'll do!

Thought I wouldn't be any good, huh?

I've a great surprise this evening.

Russian baritone, Sergei Ivanovitch, hasn't performed in five years...

..but tonight he will sing for us.

So let's get him out here.

APPLAUSE

RUSSIAN MUSIC

IN RUSSIAN ACCENT: Ladies and gentlemen,

I will sing a composition which my dear friend,..

..Gregory Ivanovitch Sergei Izdravstvuitye Kuzhistlashis

Mostnozhistyes Knizhy Yatzivrebich...

..wrote for me. Hee-hee.

With his friend Grieg. Please. Pozhalusta.

I... Heh! I will never forget the last time I sang this song - it was beautiful.

We were in a magnificent garden

and the stars were shining...

..the orchestra was playing, the people were applauding.

Ho! Me?

HE SNIFFS Sneeze.

Course...allergy.

But... He-he-heh.

This was five years ago. I feel much better now.

I will, heh, sing for you this little song.

Please, pozhalusta.

What a five years

I will never forget as long as I live!

Every place I go, whatever I am doing... HE SNEEZES

I love to smell flowers. Could not do this.

Because roses... HE CHUCKLES

Chrysanthe-e-mu-mm-um-u-um.

Rhodedendronbles.

Goldenrods. Whoa...

Only relief I possibly have is ocean voyage.

Here, I get seasick.

But, heh, heh, this is five years ago and I feel much better now and...

Please...

FORTISSIMO INTRO

END OF INTRO

SHORT INTRO

# Oh, ch-hee-hee-hee...

# Chornia

# And oh, ch... AIO!

# ..nia

# And, oh, Cho... Wh-o-o-o-o!

# Oh, Che... He-e-e-e-e!

# Oh, Che... Ha-a! #

HE GASPS

HE GASPS AGAIN

# ..nia

# Ee pr-r-rekrasn-sn-snia-a-a

# Ha-a-a-a-a-a...

# Klublyu ya vas oh-de-bay... #

HE MUMBLES

# Kak lublyu ya vas!

# Kak vayus ya vas

# Sna... #

HE WHIMPERS

HE SNORTS # Sna...

# Sna...

# Je-vee-vee-do-do

# Ba-sa-nyat-nyat

# Nomoig, sed zi nyet magen... #

OUTSCH! Ho-ho...

HE STAMMERS

# Dlya vas

# Sna-a-a-a-a-a-a-a...

# Sna-veelaa #

Who!

He who!

Who he?!

I don't know who he!

# Sna-vido-he-chas! #

ATCHOO!

LAUGHTER

HE WHIMPERS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Stay in the hot seat, pal!

Only one explanation. He's Buzzy's ghost.

He's come back to get us!

Sure(!)

You guys were going to skip town with the dough for a job you didn't do.

What'd he say?

Take that out and you'd hear him!

Huh?

You'd hear him!

Great show. Great show.

Getting warm, isn't it, fellas?

Sorry I'm late, kiddies, I couldn't tear myself away.

Never been late before, Buzzy!

How can you say that?

Chimp, I got an idea! That guy there ain't Buzzy Bellew.

Buzzy's got a mole under his ear!

Don't prove nothing. Everybody knows Buzzy has a mole under his ear.

-If

-he

-ain't got a mole, he ain't Buzzy, is he, Chimp?

Huh?

Is he?!

Quiet, kids. I have to announce that Midge and Buzzy are to be married.

ALL: Congratulations!

I tried my best to stop it,

but the unhappy event takes place tomorrow.

This is a surprise!

I've an even bigger surprise. This time I'll be there.

I've got one, too. If you're even five minutes late,

I'll marry Monte.

So help me, I'll set his clock back!

A toast. Let's drink to the late Buzzy Bellew.

Mr Bellew, can I have your autograph for my sorority?

Sure, I'm an old Vassar man myself.

I'd like one, too.

Didn't know he could even write with one hand!

LAUGHTER

Thanks.

Say, how's the florist business?

Fine.

-As I was saying before I was so

-rudely

-interrupted.

That's him - same face, eyes, nose,

same mole under his left ear.

That guy there is right now

layin' at the bottom of the lake.

The same guy? He wrote "Buzzy Bellew".

Yeah, look at mine. "Buzz, Buzz...potato salad"?

Hey, who's that?

I guess Buzzy's being funny.

I don't care who that zombie is...

..I'm not paying you till he's knocked off.

If you two amateurs can't do it,

I'll get some professionals.

What'd he say?

You heard.

HE SLURS Just a moment! Just a moment!

I would like to propose a toast...

to my little bride Ellen.

-ALL:

-Ellen? >

I... I mean Midge!

Midge! Whoo! I'm gettin' dizzy!

Tomorrow afternoon, we're all going to meet

at the library round the corner.

Hmm? The lil' library round the corner.

For better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

For richer or for poorer.

Till potato salad do us part.

LAUGHTER

-ALL:

-Ooh! >

Pierre! More champagne!

Oh, brother, I can't take any more!

Pardon me.

What kind of a constitution has my brother got?

I'll never let him drink while I'm inside him. Never!

Hello, Charlie. Gimme a Bromo.

Hey, Charlie! Lemme have a Bromo.

NO SOUND

Let me have a Bromo!

Charlie, let me have a Bromo.

That won't do you any good.

Been here 15 minutes, I can't get a Bromo.

HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

How d'you like that?

I get the Bromo and I can't pick it up!

Charlie! How about that Bromo?

I just gave you a Bromo.

Where is it?

Why d'you run away?

HOLD IT OR I'LL SHOOT!

You gotta be quicker on the draw!

Charlie, please let me have a Bromo.

< Charlie. Charlie!

Charlie!

What kind of a game is this?

Don't leave me alone with it, pal!

Help me hold it, stop it squirming!

Oh, brother! I wish I were dead!

(Psst! Ellen!)

(Ellen!)

Ellen, I need to converse with you.

There are a few small matters I'd like to clarify. You must listen.

Stop shouting. Everyone's looking.

I want to explain.

It better be good.

Making me wait hours for potato salad,

then barking and hooting down the telephone!

I'd better start at the beginning.

Don't bother.

I went to purchase potato salad.

I heard harp music, so instead of asking for potato salad,

I asked for Prospect Park.

Naturally(!)

When I hear piccolo music, I ask for Coney Island(!)

I jumped off a bus and my brother was waiting.

He had been killed the night before.

Oh!

Don't judge me till I've finished.

Go away!

I had to sing at the Pelican Club

so the DA wouldn't know that Buster, who was Buzzy, was dead.

Is that clear?

Oh, yes(!) You're insane.

But I didn't forget you. That's why I telephoned.

But a dog barked. I tried to get away,

but I couldn't because I'm engaged to Midge.

That is, Buzzy and Midge were engaged, but I was Buzzy then.

Oh! Who are you now?

Myself, but I don't know how long for.

Come around when you're Buzzy again.

It's true, Ellen!

I have nothing to do with it.

I hear music and Buzzy gets inside me.

Ellen!

You just got me fired!

Sorry, but I must resort to force.

Now you're a caveman?

Neanderthal man had his merits.

We're going to the church where the girl who's waiting to marry me...

..will tell you how Buzzy was supposed to marry her.

And so we'll face the whole thing together.

Oh, yeah(?)

HE GASPS

-Oh!

-You're crazy!

Two men in uniform will be coming to carry you off.

SIREN

Come with us, young fella.

Just a moment...

Quit arguing.

Officer, you have the wrong fellow!

We got orders from the DA to take you in. Get in the car.

Only yesterday he was just a nice, sweet, ordinary genius.

Sorry we had to place you in protective custody, Mr Bellew.

You should've taken care of that.

Well, now Mr Bellew is here in the flesh.

In the flesh!

(Buster! Buster, please, Buster!)

Huh?

Uh...nothing.

I thought you...

Let's get down to business.

You told me you had the goods

on Ten Grand for that Brooklyn murder.

I need a detailed statement from you.

I'm not quite prepared yet.

I'm waiting for something to happen.

Just what are you expecting to happen?

Buster!

Buster! Buster!

Buster! Buster, please!

It doesn't look like it's going to happen.

Buster!

Calm down, Mr Bellew.

You're as safe as a church.

Will you have a cigar?

No, thank you.

We haven't much time.

You saw Ten Grand at the scene of the murder.

I surprised him "in flagrante delicto".

Flagrante...? Well, good. Proceed.

Well, I ripped off my stint at the Pelican cabaret...

..where I'm engaged as a song and dance entertainer.

I was a little bit down, so I retired to my digs.

I had four or five quick slugs of hooch

and in consequence I spent a nuit blanche.

I decided to take a walk.

After walking a while,

my dogs got tired so I took a breather in a deserted cul-de-sac.

Ten Grand drove up, stalking his victim.

Tall, thin man with a red beard.

I suspected foul play the instant Ten Grand produced his Gatling guns.

There was a hail of lead.

The victim fell, fatally pierced through the pericardial region.

And there you are, gentlemen.

An open-and-shut case. May I go?

Just a minute. If you don't mind.

Your story is satisfactory,

except for a few minor details.

It was dark and I may have made one or two mistakes.

The tall, thin man with a red beard

was a short, fat fan dancer named Choo-Choo Laverne.

Amazing!

Her disguise was perfect!

She was strangled, not shot.

You said you knew the name under which Choo-Choo Laverne

rented that safety-deposit box.

You said it contained proof of Ten Grand's racket.

What was that girl's real name? No phony quibbling!

That's her name - Fanny Quibbling.

What's in a name?

As Shakespeare once said...

Buster! Buster!

Who is this Buster?

Somebody higher up who's behind all this?

Yes, somebody higher up.

Buster! Buster!

Nobody's perfect, and you know Buzzy's irresponsible.

It's not the first time.

What time is it now?

Six o'clock.

I wouldn't wait this long for a divorce.

Monte, will you marry me?

What?!

I mean it.

Only a heel would take advantage

of a situation like this.

I guess I'm a heel.

The stage is set. We've got all the props.

You know how superstitious I am.

I don't want to get married in the church where Buzzy stood you up.

You're right.

Maybe we can find a church where he hasn't.

Are you trying to wreck my career?

Are you involved with him?

Are you a member of his mob?

No, no, no! Buster! Buster!

One more chance,

then I'll railroad you for withholding evidence.

All right, I'll tell you the truth.

Now you're coming to your senses.

Get every word, Miss Hutchison.

< Now.

I went to Schmidt's delicatessen

for some potato salad.

I heard harp music and the potato salad

turned into Prospect Park.

There was Buster walking in a block of stone

because he was dead.

The policeman didn't feel him when he kicked him,

because he was swinging by his tail in a tree.

The girl didn't see him,

but the sailor knocked me down.

That's when Buster got inside me and started to dance.

Holy jumping Republicans,

throw this maniac outta here!

Drop the charges against Ten Grand.

Don't! Ten Grand did it.

Buster, come down and get inside of me!

I can't stand the sight of him!

I want police protection.

I'll issue an order to every cop in New York to arrest you on sight -

shoot you - if you come near them!

Throw that idiot out!

But Mr O'Brien! Mr O'Brien!

I have to talk to the DA

about a young man he arrested.

He's not really insane. It's just he's not used to girls.

What? The DA is out to dinner?

When will he be back?

The opera? I'll call him later. Goodbye.

KNOCKING ON WINDOW

Why are you on my fire escape?

There are two men after me at the front door.

If a policeman sees you, he'll think you're a thief.

The police have orders to shoot me on sight.

I'm not surprised.

I was just with the DA...

The DA is on his way to the opera.

You'd better go.

Oh, Ellen...!

Get your head out of my window or I'll chop it off.

You're a Jekyll and Hyde and a liar.

Ellen, please don't doubt me. I couldn't lie to you.

I couldn't lie to anyone about whom I feel...

That is, for whom I feel such a...feeling as I feel.

I'd like to believe you, Edwin.

May I come in for a minute?

No. Not until I've heard what you've got to say. Go ahead.

My brother Buster is Buzzy Bellew.

He was killed last night

and I told his ghost I would help him...

Ellen, please! Ellen, please let me come in!

­ Ellen! Ellen, please! Ellen, please let me come in!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Where is he, sister?

He? Who?

Your boyfriend.

There's nobody here.

What did she say, Torso?

Forget it. Let's look around.

Don't try phoning the police, babe.

WINDOW RATTLES

Where is he?

Nervous, huh?

What did you say, Torso?

She's ner...

Look in the closet!

THUD

TAPPING

It's cold! When I do that, the janitor turns the heat on.

What did she say?

TAPPING

That's the janitor knocking back.

There must be some mistake. Mr Dingle wouldn't hurt a fly.

Dingle? Who's Dingle?

But you said my boyfriend.

She's two-timing Buzzy Bellew

-while

-he's

-two-timing Midge Mallon!

Buzzy Bellew? Then he was telling..

Isn't Buzzy Bellew dead?

That's what we want to know.

How much do you know, sister?

We want to ask you some questions. >

I'll tell you. Why should I protect Buzzy Bellew if he's two-timing me?

He's picking Midge Mallon up and they're leaving

for Chicago on the 7.20 from Grand Central Station.

Hurry and you'll just about make it.

WINDOW SMASHES

Buster!

Buster!

You're back again!! Shoosh, shoee!

Shh!

What are you doing?

(Quiet, they'll hear you.)

Who?

Chimp and Torso - the men in black.

You mean the men in white!

HAMMERING ON DOOR

Hide me!

Don't go in!

Pardon me, madam, don't be alarmed.

Papa! Help! Help!

It's all right. Get out.

Please don't do that!

I told you get out!

Buster, I need you, please!

You are Buster and he needs you?

Why should he need me?

Because he's American. Now, get out.

Buster, at last, you're here.

I've been trying to get to you,

but I had a hangover that was out of this world.

Help me! My life is in jeopardy.

Get out!

Be quiet. This young man is in trouble.

I got bad news, kid, I can't help you any more.

But you must, Buster! You can't turn me down now!

What do you want me to do?

They want to kill me. Go "pfft" and make them disappear.

Go "pfft" and make who do what?

Mamma, just go "pfft", let him disappear.

Please, be quiet! I can't hear what Buster is saying.

Buster...? Buster!

Buster, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to talk so loudly.

Buzzy, Buzzy, Buster.

Ja, ja, ja! Good evening, Buster. You're looking well!

QUIET!

We can't talk with these characters here. Follow me.

My brother just walked through that door.

I have to go, too.

Bon voyage.

Excuse me.

I can't get to you any more. I've run out of ectoplasm.

You're on your own.

What shall I do?

Give me the evidence on Ten Grand, I'll tell the DA.

The girl who was murdered was Choo-Choo Laverne the fan dancer.

Choo-Choo Laverne?

He's talking to a salami. He thinks it is a fan dancer.

Such a nice boy, too. Let me look.

Then Ten Grand murdered her?

Right. When she threatened to tell the cops, he killed her.

She threatened to inform the police.

He thinks a bottle of pickles is a policeman.

I wish it was!

This is very important - Choo-Choo Laverne's real name was Minnie Smith

She hid some of the evidence she had on Ten Grand

in a safe-deposit box under that name - Minnie Smith.

Buster...

CRASH!

What was that?

If you get out of this, you'll be a new man. If not, I'll be seeing you.

Buster! Buster!

Buster, don't go! Buster!

Such a nice boy and so delicate!

GUNSHOT

Come on!

One goes in, three come out!

Papa, look!

Now we are open 24 hours a day. Shoo, shoosh...!

­ First on your right.

­ Second on your left.

First on your right.

Ticket, please.

I haven't a ticket, but I must see the District Attorney. He's here.

Take that up with the manager, miss.

Just a moment. Where's your ticket?

I have no ticket,

but there's somebody in there I have to see.

Wait a minute.

Edwin!

< First on your right.

HE GASPS

Chimp.

Buster! Buster!

TENOR SINGS

HE SINGS HIGH, PIERCING NOTE

# La, la, la!! #

< Alfredo! Vieni! Vieni!

ALL BABBLE IN ITALIAN

HE JOINS IN

Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!

ALL FALL SILENT

Diaframma! L'orbianto, le masche. HE SINGS NOTE

ALL BABBLE

No! Diaframma quanto li stato il marto oi! Piando le calde. Eh! Uh-uh! No!

Diaframma. HE SINGS NOTE

EXCITED CHATTER

Shuddup!