Little Fockers


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Little Fockers

Comedy sequel with Ben Stiller. After a decade of disappointing his father-in-law, Greg Focker sets out to prove his status as a family man, with disastrous consequences.


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Transcript


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Sweetheart, remember that you're doing pickup today

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and you need to call the face painter for the party.

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-Oh, and Henry needs more Lactaid.

-All right. Got it.

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Pick up the kids, call the face painter, get Lactaid. I got it.

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I'm gonna drop by the new house

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-and see how the work's coming.

-Oh, OK, awesome.

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Can you make sure that you measure the backyard for the bouncy castle?

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We're gonna have a bouncy castle at our birthday party?

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-Do you want a bouncy castle?

-Yeah.

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Then, yes, we'll have the best bouncy castle in the whole world!

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-Bouncy castle! Bouncy castle! .

-And an Ultimate Fighting Octagon?

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Uh... I don't know about that. But, hey, you talked to me!

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I was talking to Mommy.

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You talked to me by saying that. Why does she have such a problem?

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It's just a phase.

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Sweetheart, it hurts Daddy's feelings

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when you give him the silent treatment.

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I'm ready for school, I'm ready for school! Pick me up, pick me up!

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All right. Hey, Henry, you know you can't bring Arthur to school.

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But he's my best friend.

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He's your best lizard friend. You've got lots of non-lizard friends.

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Not really.

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Really?

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Nope.

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-Oh. All right, have a good day. I love you.

-You're kidding me!

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You can't take that to school, monkey. Go put that in your room.

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Sam, I will see you. I love you.

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-BLOWS RASPBERRY Sam.

-Hey.

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-What? Yeah, oh, golly, OK.

-See you.

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Thanks. Love you.

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DOOR BANGS

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There he is!

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Hey, Randy. How you doing?

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-Gregory Focker!

-How's it going?

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-Wonderful to see you.

-Great to see you.

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I just came by to check out the backyard and measure

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'cause we want to do a bouncy castle for the kids' birthday party.

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Aw. That's terrific, Gregory.

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-OK, you're about five minutes late.

-Yeah, I know.

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A Miss Denslow from the administrative board called.

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She wants to get a list of the budget cuts.

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You have a meeting in 20 minutes with John Raider

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and some drug rep from Pfosten Pharmaceuticals

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is waiting in your office. Andi something.

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-There's a drug rep in there?

-Mmm-hmm.

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(SIGHS) OK, look, in three minutes, pop your head in and tell me I have

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to go to my next meeting. All right?

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Sorry, I got to make this really quick. I got a very busy morning.

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I understand, Nurse Focker. I'm Andi Garcia.

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Oh, hi.

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You have a lot less stubble in person.

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I'm... There's an actor named Andy Garcia.

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Who?

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Widow's peak. Sort of tough guy.

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I was just kidding. Of course, I know who Andy Garcia is.

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I get that all the time.

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Yeah. You must get it all the time 'cause you're named Andi Garcia.

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I loved the article you wrote in the AMA Journal,

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"Putting Patients First."

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-You read that?

-I loved it.

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It was so cool getting a nurse's perspective on the health care crisis.

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Yeah, that was the idea.

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I actually started out as a nurse, myself.

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Really? Oh, well, nowadays, I do less nursing and more...

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Annoying meetings with drug reps you'd rather not deal with?

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Hey, Greg, it's time for your next meeting.

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-I'm fine, Kristen. Thank you.

-Yeah, but he doesn't like to wait. You know how he is, you know.

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Well, it's John Raider?

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Yeah, he's really picky...

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He always runs late. Always runs late. Thanks.

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-You're swamped. No, I'm good.

-You want to have a seat?

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Yeah. I'll make this quick.

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So we are launching a killer new product at Pfosten

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and, while we usually hire doctors to lead our presentations,

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I have a feeling about you.

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I think you have the potential to be a medical superstar.

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And you'd be perfect to represent our new drug, Sustengo.

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Ah. Sustengo. All right. It's an erectile dysfunction medicine.

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It's not just any erectile dysfunction medicine.

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It's the first ED pill on the market safe for heart patients.

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Because, in addition to increasing the penile blood flow...

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See that penis?

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It acts as a beta blocker

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to keep the heart rate down during intercourse.

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I mean, how dope is that?

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-CHUCKLES

-That's pretty dope.

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WOMAN ON PA: Nurse Focker needed in room 220 B, stat.

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I'm sorry, hang on one second.

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Nurse Focker, room 220 B.

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ANDROVSKY: Will you get out of my ass?

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-If you would stop squirming around...

-You don't know what you're doing.

-It could have been over, sir.

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Hey, hey, hey, How you doing there, Mr Androvsky? Everything OK?

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-Well, this nurse is a barbarian.

-OK, I'm not a barbarian.

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He keeps clenching and I can't make an insertion.

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-Louis, it's...

-It's a natural response to protect that cavity.

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You're right, it is a natural response.

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I would protect my cavity, too. And we just got to do it a little bit gentler.

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May I suggest something?

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Sir, why don't you extend your left leg

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and put your right knee right up to your chest.

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It'll help relax things down there.

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She's right.

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You just do that and you just grab the side of the bed there,

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like that, and exhale...

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Nurse, did you sufficiently lubricate the nozzle?

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-I did do that.

-Great.

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-Good, good, OK. You got this?

-Yep.

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All right. Take a nice deep breath.

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INHALES DEEPLY

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And focus on relaxing your anus.

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Right. That's right. You just want to let it dilate,

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sort of like a flower opening up.

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Blossoming lotus.

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Sort of like a desert cactus.

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Maturing.

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ANDROVSKY GROANS

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It's OK. Just a little, friendly visitor just saying hello.

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All right, I'm just gonna stick it in a little further.

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Oh!

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Good smooth insertion.

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Thank you.

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I'm gonna release the clamp. And let it flow.

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(SIGHS) Better.

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How's that?

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That was great.

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Nice technique.

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That was so fun.

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Yeah, yeah.

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I was thinking about it and, honestly,

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I just don't have time to moonlight pitching a drug right now.

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Shot down. (LAUGHS)

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No, it's not you. It's just...

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No, I get it, you know.

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Running nursing in med-surge is a big job.

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Yeah, yeah, so big, I'm making less than I did when I was in the ER.

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Look, we are sponsoring a convention at the Hilton.

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Mmm-hmm.

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You can make tons of dough for, like, one speech.

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Think about it.

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OK. I will, I'll think about it. OK.

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Knuckles?

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Knuckles.

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That was bad-ass, by the way.

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Yeah. Literally.

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Dr Bob.

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Scumbag.

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Jack, my taxi's here.

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Oh, honey, I just got off with Deb.

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They are officially separated.

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Dr Bob finished moving out.

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That lowlife.

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-Yeah. You can say that again.

-You sure you don't want me to come with you?

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No, you know, I think Deb needs a little mother-daughter time, honey. All right?

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Having an affair with a nurse. I can't believe

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-I didn't see the warning signs.

-He was very discreet.

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She didn't even know until she saw those text messages. Whatever you call them.

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Yeah, but I'm trained to detect that sort of behaviour, honey,

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and the truth is I was so busy putting Focker through the wringer,

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Dr Bob slipped right under my radar.

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Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

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Well, I'll never let that happen again.

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Are you having one of your little heart palpies again, Jack?

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My muscles are a little tight!

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-Yeah, yeah.

-From stress.

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I can see that. OK, will you just, please, just relax, OK?

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Everything is gonna be all right. Honest.

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TAXI HORN HONKING

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-Oh, I got to go.

-OK.

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I'm gonna miss you.

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PHONE RINGING

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Hey, Mom.

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Hello, my precious prince, how are you, darling?

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Good. How's the TV show going?

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Oh, great. You know what this week's episode is about?

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Using the latest sexual toys to spice up your love life.

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-Really?

-Yeah.

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As an early Hanukkah present,

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I'm gonna send you and Pam a box of these musical condoms.

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Don't do that.

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You got to hear this, honey. There's a little speaker inside.

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And the faster you go, the louder it gets.

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You know what? Mom, Pam and I are fine. We don't need musical condoms.

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Honey, every couple can use a little stimulation.

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Oh, by the way, interesting episode last week.

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Which one? "Masturbation Through The Ages"?

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I thought we agreed you weren't gonna talk about me on the air anymore.

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Please, it was just a little anecdote about carpal tunnel syndrome

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from excessive self-pleasuring.

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I have to connect your father now, OK?

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We need to tell you something.

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FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING

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EXCLAIMS IN SPANISH

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CELL PHONE RINGING

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Ooh.

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SPEAKING SPANISH

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Hi! Gay? Roz?

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-Hello?

-Yeah, I'm here.

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-Gaylord?

-Dad? Can you hear me? Where are you?

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You won't believe it. I'm in Seville, Spain.

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Where... What are you doing in Spain?

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I'm studying.

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Sweetheart, your father decided that

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-he's not gonna make it to the twins' party.

-What?

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Gay, you remember when your mother's show hit number one in the ratings

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and she signed on for a second year?

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I looked in the mirror and I said, "Who am I?"

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Then I see this clip on the YouTube

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and there is a Spanish guy and he's dancing the flamenco.

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And the sweat is pouring off of his face

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and there is such passion in his eyes

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-and I said, "That's it!"

-That's what?

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That's me. I am flamenco! I will master this art.

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Dad, this is crazy. What are you doing? You're in Spain? You're gonna miss the party?

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You picked a hell of a time to go through man-opause.

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Roz, I am not going through man-opause, I'm just trying to find my true north.

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True north, huh? What are you, a compass or something?

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No, but let's face it. I'm a stay-at-home dad

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whose kid hasn't lived at home in 25 years.

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There's an Arthur Murray studio right here in Miami Beach.

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Why schlep all the way to Spain?

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I can't believe you, Roz.

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Why can't you support my dreams the way I have always supported yours?

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-Guys, guys...

-When you wanted to try

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new sex positions for your research, I was your guinea pig!

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-You volunteered.

-I pulled my hamstring...

-Hey! Hey!

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...doing a reverse cowgirl!

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-That's because you did it backwards.

-I never went soft on you.

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-Bernie, do you hear how you're upsetting your son?

-Let me talk. Listen, will you?

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That son of a bitch.

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Oh, shit.

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Oh, shit.

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PURRING

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-Hello?

-OPERATOR: 911, what's your emergency?

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Yeah, my name is Jack Byrnes. I live at 28 Cherry Blossom Lane. I'm going into cardiac arrest.

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I need an ambulance right away.

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I'm guessing your average response time at this hour is between 12 and 17 minutes.

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I need you to do better than that. Thank you, goodbye.

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Stay calm, Mr. Jinx. I'm going to defibrillate myself.

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Clear!

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JACK GROANS

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Seriously, though, my dad, he always sounds a little crazy,

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but this was like a whole different level.

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-No, I mean they were really going at it.

-Really?

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She accused him of going through man-opause.

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-CHUCKLES

-Is that a real thing?

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-Your parents have the best marriage of anyone I know. They will be fine.

-Yeah, I guess so.

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You were talking about the kids. Really, their teacher suggested private school?

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Yeah, she said she was concerned about them "getting lost"

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in the public school system or something.

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What's the name of this place?

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The Early Human School.

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I have absolutely heard of that place.

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Sounds like a school for Neanderthals.

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No, it's actually considered the Harvard of kindergartens.

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Mmm. Well, I think Harvard's cheaper.

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BEEPING I'll go see who that is.

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Hey, greetings from the Black Sea. You look terrific.

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Hi, stranger, thanks. What are you doing there?

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Listen, Pam. Is there any way I could speak to Greg?

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-I want to get his advice on something, believe it or not.

-Sure, absolutely. Hey, Greg?

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-Yeah.

-Greg, honey, it's your buddy, Kevin.

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-Hold on.

-Thank you.

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-Hey.

-Hey.

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How you doing, man?

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I was just doing a little sailing

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and living the dream, G-Diggity-Dog.

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-Cheers!

-Kevin.

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Hey. You need a refill on that goji berry smoothie?

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You read my mind. Fill her up, Pak-Man.

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Greg, you know Deepak Chopra, right?

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I know of him.

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-Hi, Greg.

-Hi, Mr. Chopra.

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Dr Chopra.

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Get out of here, you rascal.

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So, listen, the reason why I'm calling is because next week...

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Kevin, who do you Skype with?

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I am just talking to my friend, Greg Focker.

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-Hey.

-Come here.

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Hey, honey, what'd you do with Henry's Lactaid?

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BOTH LAUGHING

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Oh, crap, I forgot. Sorry.

0:13:120:13:14

-Well, OK. But did you call the face-paint lady?

-No, I'm sorry.

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I had, like, 97 things to do, so...

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Honey, I asked you to do two things, that's all I asked.

0:13:190:13:22

I know. Sorry, babe.

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CLEARS THROAT

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OK, so here's the dealio.

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I'm going to propose to Svetlana.

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You're gonna propose? That's incredible.

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I'm gonna have three Russian MiG fighter jets fly by

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and skywrite "Marry me, Svetlana."

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And then I'm gonna hide a 50-carat super-tasteful diamond ring

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in this tin of extremely rare beluga.

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Then we will finish the night

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with a special performance that I choreographed

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with members of the Bolshoi Ballet, dedicated to our love.

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Thoughts?

0:13:560:13:58

Honestly, I'm thinking maybe it's a little too involved.

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Yeah?

0:14:000:14:01

I mean, with Pam, my whole thing was just

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keep it simple, speak from the heart.

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Keep it simple and speak from the heart. I like it, hombre.

0:14:060:14:11

You know what? I'd better call off some Russian MiG fighter jets.

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And, hey, by the time I get to Chi-town,

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this old dog here could be an engaged man.

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WHOOPS

0:14:200:14:21

-Hey, Kevin?

-Yeah.

-The jet skis are ready!

0:14:210:14:23

The jet skis are ready? Well, fire 'em up for me. OK.

0:14:230:14:26

I'll be right there.

0:14:260:14:28

Jet-skiing monks.

0:14:280:14:30

Wow, I cannot believe that Kevin is finally settling down.

0:14:300:14:34

Well, I think he's found a soul mate.

0:14:340:14:36

-Yeah?

-Hey, you're gonna eat some of this. She seemed nice.

0:14:360:14:39

Yeah. I am very happy for Kevin.

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I love him, especially when he's not obsessed with you.

0:14:410:14:44

Oh, come on. You're being ridiculous.

0:14:440:14:46

PHONE RINGING Oh, you got it?

0:14:460:14:48

Hey, sweetheart, will you please take a bite of the lasagne, honey?

0:14:480:14:50

-No. Uh-uh.

-Do you not like it?

0:14:500:14:52

Hey, what's the good word, Grandpa Jack?

0:14:520:14:55

Yay!

0:14:550:14:56

Greg.

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This is Jack Byrnes.

0:14:570:14:59

Yeah, I know. I could tell from the caller ID.

0:14:590:15:01

How are you doing?

0:15:010:15:02

Greg, excuse yourself from the table by saying these exact words,

0:15:020:15:06

"I don't know if I still have it, but let me check my files."

0:15:060:15:09

-What?

-If Pam asks you what I want,

0:15:090:15:11

tell her that I asked you to locate your birth certificate

0:15:110:15:13

for my genealogical work.

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Just do it.

0:15:150:15:16

I don't know if I have that, Jack, but let me check my files.

0:15:180:15:22

Files? You have files?

0:15:220:15:24

Yes, yeah, I do. I keep files.

0:15:240:15:26

He wants me to get my birth certificate

0:15:260:15:29

for that family tree thing he's doing.

0:15:290:15:31

Jack? Everything OK?

0:15:320:15:35

Everything is fine, Greg, I suffered a minor heart attack,

0:15:350:15:38

but I was able to defibrillate myself

0:15:380:15:40

before going into fatal cardiac arrest.

0:15:400:15:42

Jesus! You defibrillated yourself?

0:15:420:15:44

The doctor said I was a lucky man and I've just got to watch my diet

0:15:440:15:46

and keep my stress level down.

0:15:460:15:48

Wow, OK, so I guess

0:15:480:15:50

you guys aren't gonna be able to come to the twins' birthday party.

0:15:500:15:53

No, Dina and I will be there as planned, Greg.

0:15:530:15:55

And I was able to keep this on a need-to-know basis.

0:15:550:15:58

And right now, you're the only person who needs to know.

0:15:580:16:01

Well, come on, Jack. I mean, I think Dina needs to know.

0:16:010:16:04

Greg, stop talking and listen.

0:16:040:16:05

OK.

0:16:050:16:07

Now, my genealogical research has allowed me to track the Byrnes family

0:16:070:16:10

as far back as 1643.

0:16:100:16:12

1643?

0:16:120:16:13

Now, I wouldn't be able to do that, say, to your family,

0:16:130:16:16

what with all the wandering peddlers and nameless peasants.

0:16:160:16:18

-Mmm-hmm.

-But, as long as there have been Byrneses, there's always been a patriarch

0:16:180:16:22

to lead our family through good times and bad.

0:16:220:16:24

And I've finally come to the realization

0:16:240:16:26

that the next in line to the throne, Greg,

0:16:260:16:29

is you.

0:16:290:16:30

Me.

0:16:300:16:31

Yes, you, Greg.

0:16:330:16:35

-Well...

-So my question is this,

0:16:350:16:37

in the event of my demise, are you prepared to lead this family?

0:16:370:16:41

You know, Jack, we're right in the middle of dinner.

0:16:410:16:43

Maybe we could talk about this, you know, when you come into town.

0:16:430:16:46

If I go down, Greg, I need to know someone will be responsible

0:16:460:16:49

for the whole Byrnes clan.

0:16:490:16:51

So I ask you, Greg, are you prepared to be...

0:16:510:16:54

the Godfocker?

0:16:560:16:57

The Godfocker?

0:16:590:17:01

The Godfocker.

0:17:010:17:03

Well, that is a very powerful turn of phrase, Jack.

0:17:040:17:08

And when you say Godfocker, I mean... (CHUCKLES)

0:17:080:17:12

I mean, I think I know what you mean, but I'm just...

0:17:120:17:15

What exactly does that mean?

0:17:150:17:18

It's an attitude, Greg. It's a confidence.

0:17:180:17:21

It's the way you carry yourself that lets the world know that the buck stops with you.

0:17:210:17:25

Yeah, I hear you. Mmm-hmm.

0:17:270:17:29

None of this can be achieved without the basics.

0:17:290:17:32

A secure home for your family,

0:17:320:17:33

a top-notch education for your children...

0:17:330:17:36

OK.

0:17:360:17:37

...and last but not least, having your financial house in order, Greg.

0:17:370:17:40

-Is that it? (LAUGHS)

-Are you laughing?

0:17:400:17:42

Yeah, no, I'm just... I was making... No.

0:17:420:17:44

Because this is no laughing matter, Greg.

0:17:440:17:46

Good, 'cause I'm not laughing. OK?

0:17:460:17:49

Are you saying you have what it takes to be the Godfocker?

0:17:490:17:52

Greg?

0:17:530:17:54

Yes, Jack. I have what it takes...

0:17:560:17:59

to be the Godfocker.

0:18:000:18:02

I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

0:18:040:18:07

And an equally great weight put onto yours.

0:18:070:18:11

I like it. I like the weight. I want it.

0:18:110:18:15

All right. Need-to-know.

0:18:150:18:17

-Need-to-know. Just you and me.

-See you in two weeks.

0:18:170:18:19

OK. Bye.

0:18:190:18:21

Hey, did you find it?

0:18:280:18:30

Find what?

0:18:300:18:32

Your birth certificate?

0:18:320:18:34

Yes. It was in my files.

0:18:340:18:36

Mmm.

0:18:360:18:38

I was thinking, maybe we should take a look at that Early Human School.

0:18:380:18:41

Great. I'll make some phone calls and set up a tour.

0:18:410:18:45

-Good.

-Good.

0:18:450:18:47

Samantha.

0:18:480:18:49

Henry.

0:18:530:18:54

You gonna have your lasagna?

0:18:550:18:57

No, thank you.

0:18:570:18:58

You know, your mother worked very hard making that lasagna for you.

0:19:020:19:05

No. It tastes funny.

0:19:050:19:07

He said he was feeling kind of queasy, so...

0:19:070:19:10

It's OK.

0:19:100:19:12

Henry,

0:19:140:19:15

I'm your father and I'm requesting of you to eat the lasagne.

0:19:150:19:19

Fine.

0:19:210:19:23

Good.

0:19:240:19:25

PAM GASPS

0:19:280:19:31

LAUGHING

0:19:310:19:32

-Hello.

-GREG: Hello?

0:19:420:19:44

Greg? This is Jack Byrnes.

0:19:440:19:46

Jack Byrnes, this is Greg Focker.

0:19:460:19:48

I know, Greg. I called you.

0:19:480:19:50

Dina and I will be there in approximately 18 seconds.

0:19:500:19:53

18 seconds, got it.

0:19:530:19:54

Oh, no, that's yours, honey.

0:20:070:20:09

Welcome, in-laws!

0:20:090:20:11

Oh, Gregor. My goodness.

0:20:110:20:14

Dina, Dina Bobina, Banana Fana Fofina.

0:20:140:20:17

I'm so happy to see you.

0:20:170:20:19

Lovely Dina.

0:20:190:20:21

You, too, Gregor.

0:20:210:20:23

-Hello, Jack.

-Greg.

0:20:230:20:25

Everything OK, Greg?

0:20:300:20:32

-Everything's great.

-Good.

0:20:320:20:34

Unfortunately, renovations on the house,

0:20:340:20:36

not quite where I'd like them to be.

0:20:360:20:38

Well, those things happen.

0:20:380:20:39

They do. I mean, never to me before.

0:20:390:20:42

And Sam here has done very, very well with her tae kwon do lessons.

0:20:470:20:50

-She's a... What are you? A yellow belt now?

-Yep.

-Yellow belt.

0:20:500:20:54

Wow, sweetheart. Very impressive.

0:20:540:20:55

She's lethal. She is a ninja.

0:20:550:20:58

Proud of her.

0:20:580:20:59

Now, Henry, you're going to drink your milk, aren't you?

0:20:590:21:02

You want to hit the same growth spurt as your sister.

0:21:020:21:05

DINA: (WHISPERS) Jack.

0:21:050:21:06

-I'm just saying, you know, it's hard to believe that they're three minutes apart.

-Shh.

0:21:060:21:09

Henry, do what your grandpa says.

0:21:090:21:12

Aw, man. For real.

0:21:120:21:13

Good man.

0:21:140:21:16

OK. Who wants some turkey?

0:21:160:21:18

-I do, right here!

-Right here!

0:21:180:21:20

Sweetheart, you didn't have to make a whole turkey just for us.

0:21:200:21:22

Why not?

0:21:220:21:24

Actually, Greg did it.

0:21:240:21:25

DINA: Greg.

0:21:250:21:26

Well, I remember at last year's Thanksgiving,

0:21:260:21:28

Jack said he liked roast turkey so much

0:21:280:21:29

and he couldn't understand why people only had it once a year.

0:21:290:21:32

Excellent memory, Greg.

0:21:320:21:33

Plus, it's a wonderfully lean meat. Healthy. Good for your heart.

0:21:330:21:37

(CHUCKLES) Such a sweetheart.

0:21:380:21:39

Grandpa Jack, can I ask you a question?

0:21:390:21:41

You surely can.

0:21:410:21:43

How come you're afraid of lizards?

0:21:430:21:44

Henry, that's a very good question. And I'll tell you why.

0:21:440:21:48

When I was stationed in the Mekong Delta during the Vietnam War,

0:21:480:21:51

a tiny gecko crawled into my ear one night and laid its eggs.

0:21:510:21:54

And I had to endure the torturous probing of our unit's medic

0:21:540:21:59

to remove the lizard larvae from my ear canal

0:21:590:22:01

before they hatched into my brain.

0:22:010:22:03

Jack.

0:22:030:22:04

Cool.

0:22:040:22:06

Yuck.

0:22:060:22:07

Yes, thanks for sharing that, Dad.

0:22:070:22:08

All right, gobble, gobble, everybody! It's turkey time!

0:22:080:22:13

ALL EXCLAIMING

0:22:130:22:14

DINA: That looks good. That's a work of art.

0:22:140:22:17

Thank you very much.

0:22:170:22:18

Looks great, Greg.

0:22:180:22:19

Thank you, Jack. And to carve it,

0:22:190:22:22

I thought we might use the beautiful Irish hunting knife

0:22:220:22:25

emblazoned with the Byrnes family crest

0:22:250:22:27

that Jack so thoughtfully brought back for us

0:22:270:22:30

from his ancestral homeland.

0:22:300:22:33

-Look at that, kids.

-DINA: Great.

0:22:330:22:34

Wow. Look at that.

0:22:340:22:36

See that crest? That was used by your ancestors

0:22:360:22:39

long time ago, back in the olden days, to identify their family.

0:22:390:22:42

Daddy, can I ask you a question?

0:22:420:22:44

Absolutely. He loves history. Just soaks it up.

0:22:440:22:47

Can a girl poop from her vagina?

0:22:470:22:49

No, she cannot.

0:22:520:22:53

-They're a little young for genealogy.

-Yes.

0:22:530:22:56

Just a little off topic there.

0:22:560:22:57

Jack. Here you go!

0:22:570:23:00

Greg. You're the turkey carver now.

0:23:000:23:03

Thank you. I'm honoured.

0:23:030:23:05

All right. Let's carve the roast beast!

0:23:070:23:09

DINA: Mmm.

0:23:090:23:10

Let's see. I think I'll start right side.

0:23:100:23:12

DINA: Nice and tender.

0:23:120:23:14

So, Greg, how are you liking your new job?

0:23:150:23:18

Well, I'll tell you, Dina,

0:23:180:23:20

it's a lot of responsibility on my plate.

0:23:200:23:23

But that's kind of what I love about it.

0:23:230:23:26

I mean, the opportunity to manage an entire unit,

0:23:260:23:29

in a way, it's kind of like...

0:23:290:23:30

SCREAMS

0:23:300:23:31

-Christ!

-Shit!

0:23:310:23:33

ALL SCREAMING

0:23:340:23:35

Why couldn't you just get him a warm-blooded animal?

0:23:370:23:40

-Pressure.

-SAMANTHA: Mom!

0:23:400:23:41

RINGING Honey. It's OK, it's OK, honey.

0:23:410:23:43

-Hello.

-PAM: Where is he going? Are you OK?

0:23:430:23:45

Hey, Kevin!

0:23:450:23:46

It's Kevin, everybody.

0:23:460:23:48

What? OK.

0:23:480:23:49

You're in Chicago?

0:23:500:23:51

DOORBELL RINGS

0:23:540:23:56

Hey. Hey.

0:23:580:24:00

-Hey, everybody.

-Hello.

-Kevin.

0:24:000:24:02

J.B.

0:24:020:24:03

Oh! Good to see you.

0:24:030:24:06

There he is! The engaged guy!

0:24:060:24:08

-How you doing, man?

-Oh! What happened to your pointer?

0:24:080:24:10

I had a little incident with the business end of a turkey. It's cool.

0:24:100:24:14

-Where's Svetlana?

-Yeah!

0:24:140:24:15

Or should I say, the future Mrs Kevin Rawley?

0:24:150:24:18

She broke up with me.

0:24:180:24:20

-No.

-Oh.

0:24:200:24:22

You're kidding.

0:24:220:24:23

-I'm so sorry.

-Thanks, Pam.

0:24:230:24:25

You always know exactly the right thing to say to me.

0:24:280:24:30

"I'm so sorry"?

0:24:300:24:32

My anchor.

0:24:320:24:35

What happened?

0:24:350:24:36

-What?

-What happened?

0:24:360:24:38

I don't know. I'm still trying to make sense of it myself.

0:24:380:24:41

We were having some street food

0:24:410:24:43

outside a government building in Bulgaria

0:24:430:24:45

and I said, "Hey, you want to get married?" And I took out a little piece of string

0:24:450:24:48

and I tied the twine around her finger,

0:24:480:24:50

and she just... She threw it on the ground and said no.

0:24:500:24:52

Or nyet, 'cause she's Russian.

0:24:520:24:54

She caught the next plane out of there. Adios, Kevin.

0:24:540:24:57

Your proposal seems way out of character.

0:24:570:24:59

Why did you put so little effort into it?

0:24:590:25:01

Greg told me to.

0:25:010:25:03

What are you... Kevin, no, no.

0:25:030:25:05

-What are you talking about? I didn't...

-HENRY: Daddy?

0:25:050:25:07

I can't sleep.

0:25:070:25:09

Still in diapers.

0:25:090:25:11

No, Jack, they're pull-ups. We're weaning him off diapers.

0:25:110:25:13

What's up, man?

0:25:130:25:14

I can't stop thinking about all that blood.

0:25:140:25:17

Really? All right, well, how about I read you a story?

0:25:170:25:19

Uncle Kevin!

0:25:190:25:20

How you doing, tiger?

0:25:200:25:22

-Good.

-Oh!

0:25:220:25:23

Wow.

0:25:230:25:24

Are you having a hard time sleeping?

0:25:240:25:27

-Yeah.

-Oh.

0:25:270:25:29

CRACKS

0:25:290:25:31

There we go.

0:25:320:25:34

Jesus. Henry?

0:25:340:25:36

Are you... Shh. He's sleeping.

0:25:360:25:37

He's sleeping. I put him in a still-point.

0:25:390:25:41

It's a massage technique

0:25:410:25:43

that relaxes the body by gently

0:25:430:25:44

easing the flow of cerebrospinal fluid.

0:25:440:25:47

Yeah. Look at him.

0:25:470:25:48

He's gonna wake up feeling so refreshed.

0:25:480:25:51

I've been studying a lot of Eastern medicine in my down time.

0:25:510:25:54

Well, listen, I just came by to say my hellos,

0:25:540:25:56

so I will head on out.

0:25:560:25:58

Good. OK.

0:25:580:25:59

Hey, Kev, listen, do you need a place to stay?

0:25:590:26:01

No, he doesn't. You got a place to stay, right?

0:26:010:26:03

-And we're pretty full up.

-Not a problem.

0:26:030:26:05

I volunteer at a South Side homeless shelter. So, I'll probably stay there

0:26:050:26:08

and just work the soup kitchen line in the morning.

0:26:080:26:10

That is so wonderful, Kevin.

0:26:100:26:11

Yeah, it's funny, I feed them food, but those vagrants and drifters feed my soul,

0:26:110:26:16

so it works out pretty good for all of us.

0:26:160:26:18

Perfect. We always need extra hands,

0:26:180:26:20

if you guys wanna come on down tomorrow...

0:26:200:26:22

Actually, Greg and I are taking a tour of this place called

0:26:220:26:24

the Early Human School tomorrow.

0:26:240:26:26

-But maybe after...

-You're kidding me, the Early Human School?

0:26:260:26:29

Right.

0:26:290:26:30

My investment group handles their endowment fund.

0:26:300:26:32

In fact, the director, Prudence, is a dear friend and ex-lover of mine.

0:26:320:26:35

I'm gonna put in a good word for you.

0:26:350:26:37

That would be great, wouldn't it?

0:26:370:26:40

Oh, of course.

0:26:400:26:41

Or not. I mean, you know, she's an ex-lover, I think that'd be awkward.

0:26:410:26:44

No, nonsense. I'm on great terms with all my ex-lovers.

0:26:440:26:46

-Thanks.

-Sure.

0:26:460:26:49

OK. All right, well, you know, whatever feels right.

0:26:490:26:53

After the tour, Greg, I was hoping you'd show us your new house.

0:26:530:26:56

And, Kevin, when you're done feeding the bums, why don't you meet us there?

0:26:560:26:59

OK. I'll be there.

0:26:590:27:00

I still have some items on the punch list to go through with the contractors,

0:27:000:27:03

-so I'm thinking maybe we should put it off for a few days.

-Ah, no, let's do it tomorrow. Well, I think...

0:27:030:27:07

-We'll meet you there at noon, Kevin. I don't know.

-At noon? Yeah, all right. OK.

0:27:070:27:10

And we're gonna get you through this. Anything you need, you come to me.

0:27:100:27:14

-OK. Thanks, J.B.

-Yeah. Or me.

0:27:140:27:16

OK.

0:27:180:27:19

Well, you can come to either of us. Yeah, we're here for you.

0:27:190:27:22

Thanks.

0:27:220:27:23

Careful, yeah.

0:27:240:27:26

-I feel like crap.

-Yeah.

0:27:300:27:31

You're burning up.

0:27:310:27:32

Yeah, I must have gotten the flu the kids had last week. Oh, my God, the school tour is today.

0:27:320:27:36

-Yeah, I know.

-Honey, what am I gonna do?

0:27:360:27:38

-I'll do it. OK? I'll handle it.

-Yeah?

0:27:380:27:40

Yeah, and your mom can take the kids to school.

0:27:400:27:42

But what about my dad?

0:27:420:27:43

I got it, all right?

0:27:430:27:45

I really appreciate your including me on the school tour, Greg.

0:27:480:27:51

Oh, Jack, you are a trusted advisor.

0:27:510:27:54

I mean, your words hit home about a top-notch education,

0:27:540:27:57

getting your financial house in order.

0:27:570:27:59

-That's it. That's it.

-It's all about the kids, right?

0:27:590:28:02

The next generation.

0:28:020:28:03

I'm glad to hear you say that.

0:28:030:28:04

Makes me feel that I've chosen wisely.

0:28:040:28:06

Of course, children change everything in a marriage,

0:28:060:28:09

and that was the issue with Debbie and Bob.

0:28:090:28:10

They stopped finding time for each other once LJ came into their lives,

0:28:100:28:13

so Bob sought sexual fulfillment outside the marriage.

0:28:130:28:15

Mmm.

0:28:150:28:16

-Dr Bob.

-Dr Bob.

0:28:160:28:19

He really disappointed me.

0:28:190:28:20

I'll tell you something. I'd like to really teach that bastard a lesson.

0:28:200:28:24

I happen to have his new address. Perhaps you and I should sneak in

0:28:240:28:27

there one night and plant a tiny explosive device in the stove.

0:28:270:28:30

Make it look like a gas leak.

0:28:300:28:32

Yeah. Yeah.

0:28:350:28:36

Or we could, you know, maybe

0:28:360:28:38

find some less criminal way of teaching him a lesson.

0:28:380:28:41

You know, still get him.

0:28:410:28:43

I'm only joking, Greg.

0:28:440:28:45

(CHUCKLING) OK.

0:28:450:28:47

-But it would be fun.

-Yeah, oh, it would be great.

0:28:470:28:50

I'm hoping that you and Pam are still finding time for each other.

0:28:500:28:53

Oh, yeah.

0:28:530:28:55

-Yeah, are you kidding? Yeah, no, no, we're great, we're...

-Good.

0:28:550:28:57

I mean, you know, it's not easy.

0:28:570:28:59

You got to work at it, but...

0:28:590:29:00

Are you still physically attracted to my daughter, Greg?

0:29:000:29:03

To Pam? Are you kidding? Yes. Jack, there's never been a problem with that.

0:29:030:29:07

Even after her body's endured the hellish ordeal of birthing twins?

0:29:070:29:11

Yes. Even after that. It's still... It's all good. It's all good under the hood.

0:29:110:29:17

That's disgusting.

0:29:180:29:20

CHILDREN CHATTERING

0:29:220:29:23

PEOPLE APPLAUDING

0:29:250:29:27

Welcome, parents.

0:29:290:29:31

I'm Prudence Simmons, director of the Early Human School.

0:29:310:29:35

And at E.H.S., we know.

0:29:360:29:40

We know that no two early humans are alike.

0:29:400:29:45

So why should their educational experiences be identical? Right?

0:29:450:29:50

Makes sense.

0:29:500:29:51

It's not about the 99.8 % of graduates

0:29:510:29:55

that go on to the best secondary schools.

0:29:550:29:57

Wow, impressive.

0:29:570:29:59

Yeah.

0:29:590:30:00

That guy's really been hitting the Bowflex, huh?

0:30:020:30:04

What?

0:30:040:30:05

It's not the overwhelming number of Early Human alumni

0:30:050:30:08

that become civic leaders, CEOs of Fortune 500 companies. No.

0:30:080:30:13

What's important to us is that they become themselves.

0:30:130:30:18

Please welcome the Early Human Tumblers!

0:30:180:30:22

Whoo!

0:30:260:30:27

Kids are really good.

0:30:280:30:29

I like what I'm seeing from this place.

0:30:290:30:31

-Yeah.

-And I'm sure it doesn't come cheap.

0:30:310:30:33

Mmm-mmm.

0:30:330:30:35

You think you can swing it?

0:30:350:30:36

Mmm-hmm.

0:30:360:30:37

Yeah. Yeah, I got it covered.

0:30:370:30:40

And, you know, if it's not covered right now, it will be covered.

0:30:400:30:44

It's one of those things that you cover it.

0:30:440:30:47

-Do you have the money or not, Greg?

-New friends, hello!

0:30:470:30:49

Hi.

0:30:490:30:50

Hi, I'm Prudence. Greg?

0:30:500:30:51

-Greg.

-How are you?

0:30:510:30:52

-Jack?

-Jack Byrnes.

0:30:520:30:54

So, Jack and Greg, tell me what path you've chosen.

0:30:540:30:57

How do you make a "living"?

0:30:590:31:01

Oh, OK, well, I'm a nurse.

0:31:010:31:03

-Oh.

-He's being modest.

0:31:030:31:06

He's actually the department manager of the medical-surgical unit

0:31:060:31:09

at Chicago Memorial and I am a retired florist.

0:31:090:31:12

What a combination, a nurse and a florist?

0:31:120:31:15

How great.

0:31:150:31:16

May I ask how long you've been in each other's lives?

0:31:160:31:19

Oh, I'd say... Well, it's about eight years, hasn't it been?

0:31:190:31:20

-Yeah, eight years.

-I'd say eight years. Really? Yeah, yeah.

-Eight great years. Yeah.

0:31:200:31:24

Eight great years.

0:31:240:31:26

Well, it started out a little rocky.

0:31:260:31:27

We've had our moments.

0:31:270:31:29

Yes, but then we figured it out.

0:31:290:31:31

You seem like a wonderful couple.

0:31:310:31:33

No, no, no. We're not homosexuals. Yeah, no. No, no. No, no, no, no, this is my son-in-law.

0:31:340:31:38

Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no.

0:31:380:31:40

However, if you're looking to fill a quota, we can be flexible.

0:31:400:31:44

OK, that's an interesting joke,

0:31:440:31:47

but I appreciate levity in a moment of misunderstanding,

0:31:470:31:50

so thank you, Greg.

0:31:500:31:52

-I will say, Jack, I hope I didn't offend you.

-Oh. No, no.

0:31:520:31:55

-Really?

-No. I mean, I'm not gay myself, but if I were gay,

0:31:550:31:59

I would certainly be proud to choose a life partner like Gay Focker.

0:31:590:32:03

And that's his actual name.

0:32:030:32:05

Oh.

0:32:050:32:07

It is. Well, it's my, Gaylord was my name when I was a kid and, yeah.

0:32:070:32:10

Well, I'll complete the conversation with that.

0:32:100:32:13

Jack.

0:32:130:32:14

-Prudence.

-Pleasure.

0:32:140:32:16

-Gay.

-Greg.

-Great.

0:32:160:32:18

-Change that nametag.

-You can call... It's Greg. Greg is fine.

0:32:180:32:21

Why don't we just stick with the truth?

0:32:210:32:23

An original American Foursquare, Greg, very nice.

0:32:310:32:34

Yeah, yeah. It's got rock-solid bones and, you know, it's...

0:32:340:32:38

CAR HORN HONKING

0:32:380:32:39

Hey! There they are.

0:32:450:32:47

-Kev-O, that's quite a rental.

-Yeah.

0:32:480:32:50

Gustavo, my assistant, hooked it up.

0:32:500:32:51

I guess it's a Tesla Roadster or something.

0:32:510:32:54

Supposedly eco-friendly, like that 2003 Prius, Greg.

0:32:540:32:57

Yeah, you got it.

0:32:570:32:58

Wow. It looks great.

0:32:580:33:00

Traditional American Foursquare.

0:33:000:33:02

Also known as a Prairie Box.

0:33:020:33:03

-Yeah.

-It's got really good bones.

-Good eye, Kev.

0:33:030:33:07

MEN LAUGHING

0:33:070:33:08

MAN: Look out for your legs.

0:33:080:33:11

RANDY: That's good.

0:33:110:33:12

Randy? Randy, what is this?

0:33:120:33:13

Gregory Focker!

0:33:130:33:16

-Great to see you. How you doing, Dad?

-Hey.

0:33:160:33:18

Randy, what is this? We're having the party here in two days.

0:33:180:33:21

Um...

0:33:210:33:22

Refresh my memory, Gregory.

0:33:220:33:24

Are you kidding me? Randy, the twins' birthday party, remember?

0:33:240:33:27

Yes, of course!

0:33:270:33:28

The issue we're dealing with is that we had to excavate 60 feet of root-infested pipe back here!

0:33:280:33:34

So, of course, we ran into some unexpected costs

0:33:340:33:35

along with an obvious delay.

0:33:350:33:37

Randy, is this yard gonna be done or is it not gonna be done?

0:33:370:33:40

Jack, I got this. All right?

0:33:400:33:41

All Mr. Byrnes is suggesting is that maybe inadvertently

0:33:410:33:44

you're taking advantage of a gentle, trusting soul

0:33:440:33:47

who clearly is an amateur when it comes to home construction.

0:33:470:33:51

-No, Kevin.

-Thank you, Swami Salami.

0:33:510:33:52

That's not true at all.

0:33:520:33:53

-It is true, Greg. They're ripping you off.

-No, Jack...

-Your plumbing excavators

0:33:530:33:57

have been on coffee break for the past eight minutes,

0:33:570:33:59

this senior citizen over here is unfit for active duty

0:33:590:34:01

and your backhoe driver's halfway through a Sudoku puzzle.

0:34:010:34:04

-All right.

-Gregory,

0:34:040:34:05

who is this joker questioning my honour?

0:34:050:34:08

-Nobody's questioning your honour, Randy.

-I'm 34 years in the trade!

0:34:080:34:11

34 years, huh?

0:34:110:34:13

I got to pump, dump and hump to get that backyard whole again!

0:34:130:34:16

Well, I got news for you. You can pump, dump and hump all you want!

0:34:160:34:19

-You're sandbagging this damn job and you know it.

-You know what?

0:34:190:34:22

-Jack, Jack, Jack! Calm down!

-You're leaving a big hole, you...

0:34:220:34:24

Hey, General! The Japanese surrendered!

0:34:240:34:27

-The Japanese surrendered!

-That's it!

0:34:270:34:28

What are you talking about?

0:34:280:34:30

World War Il.

0:34:300:34:32

I'll tell you what, Gregor. I have a timeshare in town.

0:34:320:34:34

Why don't we have the party there?

0:34:340:34:35

Beautiful meadow. It'll be perfect.

0:34:350:34:37

No, no, Kevin, I promised the kids they're gonna have the party in the yard.

0:34:370:34:40

So, guess what? We're gonna have the party in the yard. OK?

0:34:400:34:44

Soon as our dump truck driver's back from lunch,

0:34:440:34:46

we'll get that out, bring the backhoe in, lay down your base layer of sand.

0:34:460:34:49

Wait a minute. You're telling us that you can't move that rig?

0:34:490:34:52

That's a union job, pops.

0:34:520:34:53

Screw it. I'm gonna move that truck myself.

0:34:530:34:55

-No, come on.

-No, you know what, Jack? I'll do it, OK?

0:34:550:34:57

You just help me back it out into the street. I got it.

0:34:570:34:59

Here we go.

0:35:000:35:01

All right, start backing her up. You're all clear.

0:35:010:35:04

Coming at you, Jack!

0:35:090:35:10

You're doing great, you're doing great.

0:35:100:35:12

Hey, look, I'm not in the union, Randy! I'm backing up the truck!

0:35:120:35:16

Come on. Back, back, back. Doing great. Doing great! Doing great!

0:35:160:35:19

Whoa! Whoa!

0:35:190:35:21

Brake it!

0:35:220:35:23

Oh!

0:35:230:35:24

You got it!

0:35:240:35:27

-We're good.

-Emergency brake!

0:35:270:35:28

Got it!

0:35:280:35:30

SCREAMING

0:35:300:35:32

-Jack!

-Holy shit!

0:35:340:35:37

Hang on, I'm with you!

0:35:370:35:39

Jack, I'm right here. Jack, we're gonna get you!

0:35:390:35:41

It's gonna be all right, Jack!

0:35:410:35:43

Jack, we're coming! Hang on, Jack!

0:35:430:35:45

I got him!

0:35:450:35:46

I got you.

0:35:460:35:47

-It's Kevin. I'm right here.

-JACK COUGHS

0:35:470:35:50

-Thank you, Kevin.

-Save your strength.

0:35:510:35:53

Upsy-daisy. Greg's right here. He's OK.

0:35:530:35:56

Yeah, I see him.

0:35:560:35:58

Hey, Jack.

0:35:580:36:00

Oh, here, it's starting.

0:36:000:36:02

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Roz Focker Show!

0:36:020:36:07

AUDIENCE APPLAUDING

0:36:070:36:08

And that means it's time to sexpress yourself!

0:36:080:36:13

Hello, my audience!

0:36:140:36:15

Hello, my friends. Welcome.

0:36:150:36:17

Today, what do you think we're going to talk about?

0:36:170:36:20

-MAN: Sex!

-Sex. Sex.

0:36:200:36:22

Well, what else is she gonna talk about?

0:36:220:36:23

Sex after children.

0:36:230:36:26

How do you find time to make love

0:36:260:36:27

with young children in the house?

0:36:270:36:29

What do you do if it's not working?

0:36:290:36:32

Do you have an affair?

0:36:320:36:33

ALL: No!

0:36:330:36:34

No, you say? But Roz Focker says yes!

0:36:340:36:38

Yes, you do have an affair!

0:36:380:36:40

You have an affair with your wife!

0:36:400:36:44

Oh, Roz!

0:36:440:36:45

ROZ: Think about it, right?

0:36:450:36:47

You dress up a little nicer. You meet at a hotel.

0:36:470:36:50

You role play.

0:36:500:36:52

There is absolutely no shame in playing out a fantasy, but with each other!

0:36:520:36:58

AUDIENCE CHEERING

0:36:580:36:59

All right?

0:36:590:37:01

-Now, he's gonna kill me,

-GIGGLES

0:37:010:37:04

but my own son, who is the father of two adorable twins,

0:37:040:37:10

he has issues in this department.

0:37:100:37:12

He's busy at work. She's busy at home.

0:37:120:37:16

Their intimacy numbers are down. They're not connecting.

0:37:160:37:19

And what do you do?

0:37:190:37:21

-It's called Sustengo.

-Sustengo?

0:37:210:37:23

I got to say, that sounds pretty cheesy, Greg.

0:37:230:37:25

Yeah, well, I'm looking at these Randy Weir bills, OK.

0:37:250:37:28

And we could definitely use the money.

0:37:280:37:30

-And do me a favour. Don't tell your dad about this, OK?

-My dad? Why?

0:37:300:37:33

Just 'cause he's been all into

0:37:330:37:35

me having my financial house in order or whatever,

0:37:350:37:37

and I just don't want to worry him. All right, fine.

0:37:370:37:40

I won't say anything because he's already pretty upset

0:37:400:37:42

about you trying to bury him alive.

0:37:420:37:43

Honey, it was an accident.

0:37:430:37:45

Superstar!

0:37:450:37:46

Hey. Hey, can you hang on a second?

0:37:460:37:47

OK.

0:37:470:37:48

I am so stoked you changed your mind.

0:37:480:37:50

You are going to rock those urologists tonight.

0:37:500:37:53

Awesome. That's always been a goal of mine.

0:37:530:37:55

So, I'll see you at 8:00 at the Hilton?

0:37:550:37:57

-Yes.

-And wear a suit. Wear a suit, got it.

0:37:570:38:00

-Knuckles?

-Knuckles.

0:38:000:38:02

OK, bye.

0:38:020:38:04

-Hey.

-Hello.

0:38:040:38:05

Knuckles? Who was that? That certainly didn't sound like Kristen.

0:38:050:38:08

No, no. That was the drug rep.

0:38:080:38:10

-Andi?

-Yeah, Andi.

0:38:100:38:12

What does she look like?

0:38:120:38:14

She's like a... No, she's, like, an ex-nurse. You wouldn't pick her out of a line-up.

0:38:140:38:18

Yeah, I know that you're doing this for us, but the idea of you and some woman named Andi

0:38:180:38:21

selling boner medicine at a hotel, it really kind of icks me out.

0:38:210:38:24

Honey, there's nothing to be icked out about.

0:38:240:38:26

OK, fine.

0:38:260:38:28

-I love you.

-I love you, too, honey. Bye.

0:38:280:38:30

OK, bye.

0:38:300:38:31

MIMICKING GUNSHOTS

0:38:330:38:35

So, how come you're not talking to Daddy?

0:38:370:38:40

'Cause he said you were cuckoo.

0:38:400:38:41

He said I was cuckoo?

0:38:410:38:43

-Mmm-hmm.

-Well, we'll have to discuss that.

0:38:430:38:46

-Yeah.

-But what about Mommy and Daddy?

0:38:460:38:49

Is everything OK with them?

0:38:490:38:50

I guess they fight sometimes.

0:38:500:38:53

Mmm-hmm. And what do they fight about?

0:38:530:38:55

Um...

0:38:550:38:56

Like Mommy got mad at Daddy because he was going to the hotel with Andi.

0:38:560:39:00

Andi?

0:39:000:39:02

CHUCKLES

0:39:020:39:03

Who's Andi?

0:39:030:39:05

I can't say because I'm not supposed to be spying.

0:39:050:39:08

Like I always tell you, there's nothing wrong with spying

0:39:080:39:11

as long as you suspect foul play.

0:39:110:39:14

So, who's Andi?

0:39:140:39:16

Andi gives Daddy his boners.

0:39:160:39:19

His what?

0:39:200:39:21

Andi gives Daddy his boners.

0:39:210:39:25

Uh-huh.

0:39:250:39:26

Hey, guys!

0:39:280:39:29

DINA: Hey, Greg. How was your day?

0:39:290:39:30

-HENRY: Yeah.

-Great.

0:39:300:39:32

Hey. How about you, Sam?

0:39:330:39:36

-BLOWS RASPBERRY

-What? Come on, say something to me.

0:39:360:39:39

No! I won't!

0:39:390:39:40

Ah! You just did.

0:39:400:39:42

-Hey, Greg?

-Yeah.

0:39:430:39:45

I'm not so sure

0:39:450:39:46

using chicanery and subterfuge on your daughter

0:39:460:39:49

is the best way to get her to communicate with you.

0:39:490:39:51

No, no, no. That's not chicanery and subterfuge.

0:39:510:39:53

For whatever it's worth.

0:39:530:39:55

Worth a lot. Thank you.

0:39:550:39:57

And I will see you later, OK?

0:39:570:39:59

I got roped into this hospital administration dinner thing tonight, so...

0:39:590:40:02

-Work function?

-Yeah.

0:40:020:40:03

It's the price of being in charge of the unit, so...

0:40:030:40:07

I see. That last minute, huh?

0:40:070:40:08

Yeah.

0:40:080:40:09

Department head called so I gotta do a little face time and...

0:40:090:40:13

-Have fun.

-OK.

0:40:130:40:14

VIBRATING

0:40:150:40:16

Hmm.

0:40:210:40:23

GRUNTS

0:40:430:40:45

Jack?

0:40:460:40:48

Jack!

0:40:480:40:49

Is that you?

0:40:490:40:51

-Greg.

-What are you doing out here?

0:40:510:40:52

Just picking up some milk for the morning.

0:40:520:40:55

-You looking for a market?

-Yeah.

0:40:550:40:56

OK, 'cause there's one right across from the house.

0:40:560:40:58

Oh, is there? I didn't know that.

0:40:580:41:00

Just take a left on Lincoln. Right there.

0:41:000:41:01

-Thanks, Greg.

-OK.

0:41:010:41:03

-See you later.

-OK.

0:41:030:41:04

Excuse me.

0:41:510:41:52

Hey!

0:41:550:41:56

LAUGHS

0:41:560:41:59

Greg.

0:41:590:42:00

Hey, man. You following me?

0:42:000:42:03

Following you? Why would I be following you?

0:42:030:42:05

No, I'm just looking for milk.

0:42:050:42:07

OK. 'Cause, remember, I mentioned out on the street there,

0:42:080:42:11

there's a store right in the neighbourhood.

0:42:110:42:13

True, but Dina likes the organic stuff

0:42:130:42:15

and I heard there was a natural food market downtown.

0:42:150:42:18

Amazing, you going all this way just for a carton of milk.

0:42:180:42:21

You know what? You should get off here.

0:42:240:42:26

There's a really great natural foods market

0:42:260:42:28

about two blocks south of the station.

0:42:280:42:31

Oh.

0:42:310:42:32

Have a good night, Jack.

0:42:390:42:40

You, too, Greg.

0:42:400:42:42

Hey.

0:42:580:42:59

Oh! Hey.

0:42:590:43:01

Superstar!

0:43:010:43:02

Everything cool? You seem a little edgy.

0:43:050:43:08

No, I'm good. It's just my in-laws are in town, so...

0:43:080:43:11

Anyway, I went over the drug info and I think I got the science down pretty well.

0:43:110:43:14

Oh, no, Greg. These doctors don't care about that stuff.

0:43:140:43:17

If you want to sell a drug like Sustengo, you have to make it personal.

0:43:170:43:21

Do you know any sexually frustrated

0:43:210:43:23

old dudes with a heart condition?

0:43:230:43:25

I didn't hear you come in.

0:43:440:43:46

What kept you so long?

0:43:470:43:50

I just got a little bit lost. Everyone asleep?

0:43:500:43:53

Yeah.

0:43:530:43:54

We've got the house to ourselves.

0:43:540:43:57

I'm so happy that you got away from your wife.

0:43:570:44:02

Excuse me?

0:44:030:44:05

She's been very suspicious lately.

0:44:050:44:07

Quick, quick, quick. We only have an hour.

0:44:070:44:10

I have no idea what you're talking about.

0:44:120:44:14

Jack, come on. You've gotta play along.

0:44:140:44:16

Roz Focker said we have to have an affair with each other.

0:44:160:44:19

I'm role playing.

0:44:190:44:21

Right, right, right. I understand.

0:44:210:44:22

I just have a bit of a headache, sweetheart, tonight.

0:44:220:44:26

I know. You've had that worried look on your face all day.

0:44:260:44:29

I promise you, the Focker family is going to be fine.

0:44:290:44:33

Now, come on.

0:44:330:44:35

Before my husband comes home.

0:44:350:44:37

Then, we'd better hurry, my illicit lover. Let me just brush my teeth.

0:44:370:44:41

Ooh.

0:44:410:44:42

Your father-in-law did not really put you in a lie detector machine.

0:44:510:44:54

No, that's true.

0:44:540:44:55

That's incredible!

0:44:550:44:56

Jesus Christ, I thought my wife's father was bad.

0:44:560:44:59

That was a great speech, nurse.

0:44:590:45:01

Thank you.

0:45:010:45:02

And hey, "I'm staring at you."

0:45:020:45:03

LAUGHING

0:45:030:45:05

It was "I'm watching you," but that's what he did, yes. Thank you.

0:45:050:45:08

You killed it tonight.

0:45:080:45:10

Those stories about your family were hilarious.

0:45:100:45:13

Thank you. So, I should be getting going.

0:45:130:45:15

Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're my fiance.

0:45:150:45:17

Hey, gorgeous.

0:45:170:45:19

Hello, Dr. Ballard. So nice to see you.

0:45:190:45:21

Hey, can I get you 200 cc's of anything you want, stat?

0:45:210:45:25

Only if you can buy a drink for my fiance as well.

0:45:250:45:29

Didn't know you were engaged.

0:45:290:45:31

Can you take a picture for us for my scrapbook?

0:45:310:45:33

You know what? You don't... He doesn't have to do that.

0:45:330:45:35

-Yeah, it's for our scrapbook.

-No, you know what, bro? I'm cool like that. I'll do that.

0:45:350:45:38

You are such a doll.

0:45:380:45:40

Here we go.

0:45:400:45:42

-One, two, three.

-Whoa!

0:45:420:45:43

Best picture ever.

0:45:430:45:45

You look great and you have, like, a red-eye problem.

0:45:450:45:48

I'll see you later, babe.

0:45:480:45:49

I cannot believe I ever slept with that guy.

0:45:490:45:52

Yeah, right.

0:45:520:45:53

No, seriously, I did.

0:45:530:45:54

At a convention in Milwaukee last summer.

0:45:540:45:56

We were, like, drinking tequila, doing rum chasers.

0:45:560:45:59

Always a bad idea, right?

0:45:590:46:02

Yeah.

0:46:020:46:03

Can you get me a margarita on the rocks, no salt?

0:46:030:46:05

-You know what...

-I'm gonna run to the restroom.

0:46:050:46:08

Gosh. You know what...

0:46:080:46:09

All right, cool. You're the best.

0:46:090:46:10

-All right? All right.

-All right, OK.

0:46:100:46:12

Hi. Can I get a club soda and a margarita on the rocks with no salt?

0:46:130:46:17

Thanks.

0:46:170:46:19

Night out on the town, Focker?

0:46:190:46:20

-Dr Bob.

-Hey, man!

0:46:210:46:23

What are you doing here?

0:46:230:46:24

I'm here for the convention. What about you?

0:46:240:46:27

Doing some work for Pfosten as a medical expert.

0:46:270:46:30

But you're a nurse.

0:46:300:46:32

You know what? I don't really have anything to say to you.

0:46:320:46:35

OK, I get it, Greg. I screwed up.

0:46:350:46:39

But the pressure of being in that family finally got to me.

0:46:390:46:42

-What are you talking about? You were his golden boy.

-More like his golden bitch.

0:46:420:46:45

He wanted Deb and me to get married in Oyster Bay. Done.

0:46:450:46:48

Can we name our baby after him? "You got it, Jack."

0:46:480:46:51

And he gives me this whole spiel, right,

0:46:510:46:53

about how I'm next in line to his throne.

0:46:530:46:56

He came up with this name for me, the Bobfather.

0:46:560:46:59

Really? He said that to you?

0:47:020:47:04

He pulled the same shit on you, didn't he?

0:47:060:47:08

In that family, we're all just hamsters on Jack Byrnes' little wheel.

0:47:080:47:12

His Circus of Trust, or whatever he calls it.

0:47:120:47:15

Circle of Trust.

0:47:150:47:16

I had no idea how deep I was in until I stepped away.

0:47:160:47:19

And I'll tell you something, once I got off the treadmill, I've never been happier.

0:47:190:47:23

Yeah, well, I think I got it under control.

0:47:230:47:25

Hello, Greg.

0:47:390:47:40

Hey.

0:47:410:47:43

Hey, Jack.

0:47:430:47:45

You mind explaining this?

0:47:450:47:47

What is that? Oh.

0:47:490:47:51

Sustengo. Yeah, that's... You know.

0:47:510:47:53

These drug companies, they give me all these free samples.

0:47:530:47:55

Is that it?

0:47:550:47:57

Or do you need to use this

0:47:580:47:59

because you're no longer sexually attracted to Pam?

0:47:590:48:01

You know what, Jack? That's ridiculous.

0:48:010:48:06

Really. You know what?

0:48:060:48:07

I'm not even gonna go there with you. This is...

0:48:070:48:10

Have a good night, all right? I'm gonna go sleep.

0:48:100:48:12

Don't walk away from me, Focker.

0:48:120:48:14

Jack, is everything OK down there?

0:48:180:48:20

Everything's fine.

0:48:200:48:22

OK. All right. 'Cause you seem to have a little, I mean...

0:48:220:48:24

I know what I have, Greg, and I'm not concerned about that right now.

0:48:240:48:27

Right now, what I want from you is the truth.

0:48:270:48:29

Jack, did you take one of those pills?

0:48:300:48:34

Well, I was highly preoccupied and Dina wanted to make love,

0:48:340:48:37

and the label clearly states that it's safe for heart patients.

0:48:370:48:40

Yes, but you need a prescription after you've had a thorough examination.

0:48:400:48:43

How long have you had that... The situation for?

0:48:430:48:46

Stop avoiding the question.

0:48:460:48:47

I'm not avoiding the question. If you've had that for more than four hours,

0:48:470:48:51

you could bust a capillary and have serious permanent damage.

0:48:510:48:53

How long have you had it?

0:48:530:48:54

-Been a little longer than four hours.

-How long?

0:48:540:48:57

Maybe about five and a half.

0:48:570:48:59

Jack, you got to get to an ER right now

0:48:590:49:00

and get a shot of adrenaline to counteract that drug.

0:49:000:49:02

You're a nurse. Don't you have that kind of stuff in the house?

0:49:020:49:04

Yeah, I have an Epi kit, but I'm not gonna give you a shot there, OK?

0:49:040:49:07

Focker, there is no way I'm going to an ER room with this thing.

0:49:070:49:10

Now you need to stick me and you need to stick me now!

0:49:100:49:12

I'm having a dick attack! Stick me!

0:49:120:49:14

Shh. Just relax. OK. I'll get the needle.

0:49:140:49:17

All right. I need you to drop your pants.

0:49:220:49:26

What kind of sick drug are you dealing to your patients?

0:49:260:49:29

Jack, I told you, I took home some samples.

0:49:290:49:32

All right? Maybe read the label

0:49:320:49:33

before you just pick up a drug and eat it.

0:49:330:49:35

Let's just do it.

0:49:350:49:37

I'm gonna administer the shot on the count of three.

0:49:370:49:39

Just... All right?

0:49:390:49:41

OK. Just...

0:49:440:49:45

It's...

0:49:450:49:47

Your hands are cold.

0:49:470:49:48

I'm sorry. It's a bit...

0:49:480:49:49

OK.

0:49:490:49:51

One,

0:49:520:49:53

two,

0:49:550:49:56

three.

0:49:560:49:58

Focker!

0:49:580:50:00

SCREAMING

0:50:000:50:01

-Oh, shit!

-Oh, shit!

0:50:020:50:03

Wait, what's going on? What happened?

0:50:080:50:09

Everything's fine. Henry had a little nightmare,

0:50:090:50:11

but Greg's got him settled down, OK.

0:50:110:50:13

No, no, Jack, I thought I heard you screaming, too.

0:50:130:50:15

No, you didn't. It was all Henry.

0:50:150:50:17

-Well, let me go check on him...

-Oh, no, no, no.

-...and make sure he's OK.

0:50:170:50:20

You guys go to sleep. Everything's under control.

0:50:200:50:22

Could you and Dad keep it down, please?

0:50:260:50:29

Here's Sirius Black. Here's Orange Ninja, OK?

0:50:290:50:33

-You all right?

-Yeah.

0:50:330:50:34

-JACK: (WHISPERS) Greg?

-Yeah.

0:50:340:50:37

-How's he doing?

-He's all right.

0:50:370:50:38

You know, he's a little shaken up, but...

0:50:380:50:41

Greg, I was involved in some covert CIA-sponsored

0:50:410:50:43

mind-altering techniques back in the '70s.

0:50:430:50:46

I'd like a few minutes alone with him

0:50:460:50:47

just to erase what he saw from his memory.

0:50:470:50:50

You're not gonna erase my son's memory.

0:50:500:50:52

Greg, he saw his father inject a needle into his grandfather's penis.

0:50:520:50:55

He already has issues. That's something he might never recover from.

0:50:550:50:59

I'll handle it, OK? All right?

0:50:590:51:01

OK, thank you.

0:51:010:51:02

Hey, buddy.

0:51:040:51:07

So, you know how sometimes you need help when you...

0:51:070:51:10

-When you make a wee-wee?

-Yeah.

0:51:120:51:13

Well, when you get to be Grandpa Jack's age,

0:51:130:51:16

sometimes you need help making a wee-wee, too.

0:51:160:51:18

So that's what you saw me doing.

0:51:180:51:19

I was helping Grandpa Jack, because he's old.

0:51:190:51:22

Well, why did he scream so loud?

0:51:240:51:26

He wasn't screaming. He was celebrating, he was just so happy.

0:51:260:51:29

He was, like, "Oh, Focker. Thanks for helping me make a wee-wee."

0:51:290:51:35

He just... He was so happy. Right, right?

0:51:350:51:37

Right, Greg. Yeah.

0:51:370:51:38

-JACK:

-Understand?

0:51:380:51:40

-I think so. GREG:

-Good.

0:51:400:51:42

Don't think this incident is distracting me, Focker.

0:51:460:51:49

I know you're up to something and I'm watching you.

0:51:490:51:52

Well, guess what? I have eyes, too.

0:51:520:51:55

So, I'll be watching you, watching me.

0:51:550:52:00

-OK.

-All right?

0:52:000:52:01

-Fair enough.

-Good.

0:52:010:52:03

So we just watch each other, all right?

0:52:030:52:04

OK, OK.

0:52:040:52:06

I'm watching you right now.

0:52:130:52:14

PHONE RINGING

0:52:250:52:26

MAN: Domsey's Bakery. How can I help you?

0:52:260:52:29

Hello, yes, do you still have the pineapple upside-down cake?

0:52:290:52:33

Yes, we do. Would you like chocolate or vanilla frosting?

0:52:330:52:36

Neither. I'm only interested in merengue.

0:52:360:52:39

Please give me your access code and releasing ID.

0:52:400:52:42

This is Santa. Releasing ID 7726548.

0:52:420:52:45

I need all-source, derogatory only,

0:52:470:52:48

on a person named Andi Garcia.

0:52:480:52:50

Alpha November Delta Indigo...

0:52:500:52:52

Santa, your clearances haven't been active for 12 years.

0:52:520:52:56

Now, you listen to me, Young Turk.

0:52:560:52:57

I was bugging Ho Chi Minh's sock drawer

0:52:570:52:59

while you were still in diapers,

0:52:590:53:00

so don't tell me about clearances.

0:53:000:53:02

Sir, my hands are tied.

0:53:020:53:04

But, I mean, you could probably just Google the subject

0:53:040:53:06

and find out everything you need to know.

0:53:060:53:09

Oh.

0:53:090:53:10

Then I'll do that. Santa out.

0:53:100:53:12

Hmm.

0:53:210:53:22

Oh, honey, I can't wait to see Kevin's timeshare later today, huh?

0:53:400:53:44

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

0:53:440:53:46

What you doing?

0:53:460:53:48

Oh, just checking the weather.

0:53:480:53:50

There's a cold front coming in.

0:53:500:53:51

Oh, no.

0:53:510:53:52

Oh, yeah.

0:53:520:53:53

Thanks.

0:54:000:54:01

DINA: Greg.

0:54:030:54:04

Hey, how you doing? Sorry I'm late.

0:54:040:54:06

Hi, honey.

0:54:060:54:07

A little emergency at the hospital.

0:54:080:54:10

Kevin was showing us his magnificent estate.

0:54:100:54:12

-GREG:

-It's really nice.

0:54:120:54:13

So this is where you rough it

0:54:130:54:14

when you're not at the homeless shelter?

0:54:140:54:16

Kind of split time between the two. Maybe 60/40 here.

0:54:160:54:18

-Really?

-Now that Greg's finally arrived,

0:54:180:54:20

why don't I take you over to see the meadow?

0:54:200:54:22

-JACK:

-Yeah, this is perfect.

0:54:310:54:32

-Oh, this is impressive.

-GREG:

-Wow, nice backyard.

0:54:320:54:34

-JACK:

-Yeah, love it.

-PAM:

-Wow, it is.

0:54:340:54:35

Thank you.

0:54:350:54:36

-JACK:

-Let's reserve that quadrant over there, Kevin.

0:54:360:54:38

It's perfect for the three-legged race,

0:54:380:54:40

egg toss, capture-the-flag game.

0:54:400:54:41

Why don't we put up a ring of bouncy castles right out there

0:54:410:54:45

and we have, like, a relay race for the kids

0:54:450:54:47

kind of intertwined in between them.

0:54:470:54:49

Loving it, Kev-o.

0:54:490:54:50

Kevin, is that a tattoo on your back?

0:54:500:54:52

Oh, yes, it is, Dina.

0:54:520:54:53

It looks really elaborate. Could we take a look at it?

0:54:530:54:55

-Oh, sure.

-PAM:

-Mom.

0:54:550:54:57

Well, it's a curiosity.

0:54:570:54:59

SHE GASPS

0:54:590:55:00

My gosh.

0:55:000:55:02

Hmm.

0:55:030:55:04

-DINA:

-Wow.

0:55:040:55:06

Is that Pam?

0:55:060:55:08

Yeah, it is.

0:55:080:55:09

You know, after the whole Svetlana episode,

0:55:090:55:11

I went on a little bit of a drunken bender

0:55:110:55:13

and wound up in a tattoo shop in Moscow.

0:55:130:55:16

And I asked the artist to ink me

0:55:160:55:18

with the image of the one woman

0:55:180:55:19

who's always loved me unconditionally.

0:55:190:55:22

-Pam.

-My grandmother.

0:55:220:55:24

The point being, in my drunken stupor,

0:55:240:55:26

I must have handed him a photo of Pam instead.

0:55:260:55:29

You carry a picture of Pam in your wallet.

0:55:290:55:30

I do. I carry pictures of many treasured friends

0:55:300:55:33

and loved ones on my travels.

0:55:330:55:35

Got a picture of me?

0:55:350:55:36

Of course I got a picture of you.

0:55:360:55:38

You recognise this mensch right here?

0:55:380:55:41

-Ah. There I am. Kind of.

-There you are, yeah.

0:55:410:55:42

-That's...

-Interesting.

0:55:420:55:44

This is actually a very flattering portrait of you, Pam-cake.

0:55:440:55:45

CELL PHONE RINGING

0:55:450:55:46

- Excuse me. - (Dad!)

0:55:460:55:47

Prudence? Yes! Hello!

0:55:470:55:49

-Yeah, hold on, honey.

-I don't...

0:55:490:55:51

Terrific. OK, yes, thanks, Pru.

0:55:510:55:54

That was Prudence and she says if you get to EHS by 3:00,

0:55:540:55:57

she can squeeze you in for an interview.

0:55:570:55:58

-PAM:

-All right, that's great!

-Way to go, Kev-O.

0:55:580:56:00

-PAM:

-Thank you, Kevin.

-GREG:

-Good job.

0:56:000:56:02

So great you two could join us.

0:56:040:56:06

Really wonderful when grandparents play an integral role

0:56:060:56:09

in early humans' lives.

0:56:090:56:10

Early humans do need guidance.

0:56:100:56:13

Is that your role, Jack? To guide them?

0:56:130:56:15

Yes, I see myself as something of a shepherd,

0:56:150:56:17

guiding our family through life's pastures.

0:56:170:56:20

Yes, I would say Jack is sort of an honorary shepherd.

0:56:200:56:23

Kind of a shepherd emeritus, if you will.

0:56:230:56:27

Well, when my sheep wander, I use my prod to keep my flock in line.

0:56:270:56:31

Oh, there are a lot of family dynamics at play here.

0:56:320:56:37

Why don't we begin the interview process?

0:56:370:56:38

OK, Henry, I just want you to clear your mind

0:56:390:56:43

and draw a picture for me of the first thing that comes to mind

0:56:430:56:48

when you hear the word "family".

0:56:480:56:51

Aww.

0:56:510:56:53

This is just like being at the eye doctor.

0:56:530:56:54

Start at the top and work your way down.

0:56:540:56:56

Why would she give her an eye test?

0:56:560:56:58

It's called a Heisenreich Experiment.

0:56:580:57:00

We used it at the agency to test

0:57:000:57:02

the aptitude of potential recruits.

0:57:020:57:04

All the letters are the same, so it's not really an eye test.

0:57:050:57:08

Very impressive cognition, Samantha.

0:57:090:57:12

E... E...

0:57:120:57:14

E? I need to start over.

0:57:160:57:19

GREG SIGHS

0:57:190:57:20

OK, Henry, let's see what you've chosen to draw.

0:57:200:57:23

SHE GASPS

0:57:230:57:24

What is it? What did he draw?

0:57:240:57:28

Dad stuck Grandpa Jack in the wee-wee last night. Because he's old.

0:57:280:57:32

I'm sorry? What did he say?

0:57:320:57:34

I didn't hear him.

0:57:340:57:35

Something about Grandpa Jack having a cold.

0:57:350:57:38

So tell me about your parents, Samantha.

0:57:380:57:40

Tell me about your parents, Prudence.

0:57:400:57:42

That's my girl.

0:57:460:57:47

Wanna tell me about your family?

0:57:470:57:49

My dad is a great guy.

0:57:490:57:50

Thank you, buddy.

0:57:500:57:52

But Grandpa Jack makes him really, really scared.

0:57:520:57:55

So he acts all crazy when he's with him.

0:57:550:57:57

Like he tried to cut the turkey with Grandpa's big knife

0:57:570:58:00

and he slipped and he cut his finger. And he was like, "Oh, shit!"

0:58:000:58:05

Oh, he's blowing the interview.

0:58:070:58:09

She's setting him up to fail with these questions.

0:58:090:58:11

I mean, Sam's a better tester, anyway, so...

0:58:110:58:13

Well, that's because she takes after...

0:58:130:58:15

Takes after who, Jack?

0:58:150:58:16

Let's just say I've done some research on twins.

0:58:160:58:18

There's a theory that in certain cases,

0:58:180:58:20

one twin gets an extra chromosome from the father,

0:58:200:58:22

while the other sibling gets an extra chromosome

0:58:220:58:24

from the mother's side.

0:58:240:58:26

Hmm.

0:58:260:58:27

Sam might be three quarters Byrnes,

0:58:270:58:29

whereas Henry could very well have

0:58:290:58:30

a double dose of Focker in him.

0:58:300:58:32

And what if he does?

0:58:330:58:35

My Grandpa Bernie taught me this. Pull my finger.

0:58:350:58:38

Oh.

0:58:380:58:39

HE MIMICS FARTING

0:58:390:58:41

Double dose.

0:58:420:58:43

HE LAUGHS

0:58:430:58:44

Let's go out to the courtyard for some free play.

0:58:450:58:48

I mean, what is "free-play test"?

0:58:490:58:52

How well they hang on the monkey bars?

0:58:520:58:53

I don't think you get it, Greg.

0:58:530:58:54

You know when prison guards learn the most

0:58:540:58:56

about their inmate population?

0:58:560:58:58

During rec time in the yard.

0:58:580:59:00

I'm sure Prudence is in her office right now

0:59:000:59:02

watching every move these kids make.

0:59:020:59:03

-Dad?

-Yeah.

0:59:050:59:06

Can I please go climb that big rock wall?

0:59:060:59:08

Yeah, OK. Just be careful, buddy, all right?

0:59:080:59:09

All right.

0:59:090:59:11

Do you think he can handle that?

0:59:110:59:12

What's the big deal?

0:59:120:59:13

I'm just not sure you've instilled the physical confidence

0:59:130:59:16

for him to shear a face like that.

0:59:160:59:18

Jack, do me a favour. Just let go of the reins a little, OK?

0:59:180:59:22

I'll let go, Greg, when you show me, once and for all,

0:59:220:59:24

that you have what it takes to lead.

0:59:240:59:26

I am in control of my family, all right?

0:59:260:59:28

If I give Henry permission to climb a wall, he can climb a wall.

0:59:280:59:31

If he says he wants to climb the Empire State Building

0:59:310:59:33

and I say it's OK,

0:59:330:59:34

it's OK, because I'm in charge.

0:59:340:59:36

All right? I'm calling the plays now.

0:59:360:59:38

So you just got to step back and accept the fact that I have got this.

0:59:380:59:41

HENRY: Whoa!

0:59:410:59:42

THUD

0:59:420:59:43

Oh, he is such a brave boy, isn't he?

0:59:440:59:47

See, it's not so bad. It's just a slight fracture.

0:59:470:59:49

OK, thanks.

0:59:490:59:51

Hey, Henry, are you doing all right?

0:59:510:59:54

Hey, I came as soon as I heard.

0:59:540:59:56

Prudence told me there was a little bit of a kerfuffle over at EHS.

0:59:560:59:59

Oh, that's an understatement. Thanks to Greg,

0:59:591:00:01

we can wave goodbye to their educational future.

1:00:011:00:03

DINA: Jack.

1:00:031:00:04

-KEVIN:

-Oh, no, no. Pru's a forgiving soul.

1:00:041:00:06

I think I can patch things up. In the meantime,

1:00:061:00:08

I got a little something for Hank the Tank here.

1:00:081:00:10

Someone to keep you company until you're reunited with Arthur.

1:00:101:00:14

-What is that?

-Thanks, Papa Kev.

1:00:141:00:16

Papa Kev?

1:00:161:00:18

Yeah, old fraternity nickname.

1:00:181:00:19

I told Hank the Tank here he could call me by that handle.

1:00:191:00:22

You're not Hank the Tank. Nobody calls him Hank the Tank.

1:00:221:00:25

You wanna be Papa Greg?

1:00:251:00:26

No, I am Papa... I'm Greg. I'm Greg, his papa.

1:00:261:00:29

So I don't need to be Papa Greg.

1:00:291:00:30

I don't need to put a little thing in front of it.

1:00:301:00:32

WOMAN ON PA: Paging Nurse Focker.

1:00:321:00:33

Pam, we need to talk for a minute.

1:00:331:00:35

Oh, OK. Mom?

1:00:351:00:36

Hey, Louis, what's up?

1:00:391:00:40

What up, dawg? Hey, hottie at 2:00.

1:00:401:00:42

There's the superstar!

1:00:421:00:44

Hey, hi, hi.

1:00:441:00:45

-Hey!

-Oh. Hello.

1:00:451:00:47

I have the raddest news ever!

1:00:471:00:48

Really? OK.

1:00:481:00:50

So our VP of marketing heard how well you did

1:00:501:00:53

on your speech last night and guess what?

1:00:531:00:55

What?

1:00:551:00:56

He wants us to lead the Pfosten convention in Maui next month.

1:00:561:01:00

Yeah, that sounds great. Honestly, I'm sorry.

1:01:001:01:02

I'm just a little distracted right now

1:01:021:01:03

cos my son just broke his arm and...

1:01:031:01:04

Oh, poor baby.

1:01:041:01:05

Yeah, so...

1:01:051:01:06

You're a super dad.

1:01:061:01:08

-No, I'm not a super dad.

-It is so cute

1:01:081:01:10

how involved you are with your kids.

1:01:101:01:13

No, no, no, that's just what dads do. It's not like a super...

1:01:131:01:16

-Louis! What are you doing?

-Is this the book?

1:01:161:01:18

What is... No, go. Come on.

1:01:181:01:19

In the back, right? I got them.

1:01:191:01:22

Sorry, it's just...

1:01:221:01:23

Somebody's grumpy.

1:01:231:01:25

I'm gonna make this brief, Pam-cake.

1:01:251:01:27

I'm not getting any younger.

1:01:271:01:28

-Dad.

-No, I want to make sure

1:01:281:01:29

there's someone around besides me who you can fully count on.

1:01:291:01:32

I couldn't help but notice how you and Kevin

1:01:321:01:34

have reconnected these past few days.

1:01:341:01:36

He's financially secure. He's great with the twins.

1:01:361:01:39

Got a heart of gold.

1:01:391:01:40

He's a little goofy, maybe, in his dressing,

1:01:401:01:42

but if that body art is any indication,

1:01:421:01:43

I'd say he's certainly open to the idea.

1:01:431:01:45

What idea?

1:01:461:01:47

The idea of a simple course correction.

1:01:481:01:51

A course correction.

1:01:511:01:53

Greg...Kevin.

1:01:531:01:55

Come on, grumpy daddy! Come to Hawaii.

1:01:571:01:59

OK...

1:01:591:02:01

OK, grumpy daddy will think about it.

1:02:011:02:02

-Yes!

-OK, OK.

1:02:021:02:04

Oh! Hey, honey, hi!

1:02:041:02:06

Perfect. Pam, this is Andi. Andi, this is Pam, my wife.

1:02:061:02:10

Hey.

1:02:101:02:11

Hi, it's a... It's a pleasure to meet you.

1:02:111:02:13

It's a pleasure to meet you, too.

1:02:131:02:15

Your husband is a freaking rock star,

1:02:151:02:17

but I'm sure you know how lucky you are.

1:02:171:02:19

-Yeah.

-I'm not. She's the rock star.

1:02:191:02:21

She's a rock star mom and just full-on, rocking person.

1:02:211:02:25

Aww.

1:02:251:02:26

And I'm just a groupie

1:02:261:02:28

trying to, you know, carry her amps.

1:02:281:02:31

No, you're... You're... You're the man.

1:02:311:02:33

Everything all right here?

1:02:331:02:36

Yeah, Jack, everything's all right.

1:02:361:02:37

-Pam, do you wanna...

-Oh, my God.

1:02:371:02:39

You must be the famous Jack Byrnes.

1:02:391:02:43

Wow. I have heard so much about you.

1:02:431:02:46

I've heard very little about you, Miss Garcia.

1:02:461:02:48

But I do admire your cheerleading photographs.

1:02:481:02:51

Henry's doing much better.

1:02:511:02:52

We were just singing an ancient Yanomamo song

1:02:521:02:54

about a brave warrior who falls from a tree

1:02:541:02:56

while hunting for chimpanzee meat.

1:02:561:02:59

He's good.

1:02:591:03:01

-Hi.

-Hi.

1:03:011:03:03

Andi Garcia. Pfosten Pharmaceuticals.

1:03:031:03:06

And you're Doctor...

1:03:061:03:07

No. He's not a doctor.

1:03:071:03:08

Not in the Western sense of the word.

1:03:081:03:10

Not in any sense of the word. You're an investment banker.

1:03:101:03:13

Many hats. Kevin.

1:03:131:03:15

Hi.

1:03:151:03:16

OK, cool.

1:03:171:03:18

Well, I'm gonna mosey on out of here.

1:03:181:03:21

All right.

1:03:211:03:22

Aloha!

1:03:221:03:23

Wow, you told me she sold boner medicine, Greg.

1:03:251:03:27

You didn't tell me she is boner medicine.

1:03:271:03:28

Pam, that's ridiculous.

1:03:281:03:29

You also said you wouldn't pick her out of a lineup, too.

1:03:291:03:31

Wouldn't pick her out of a lineup?

1:03:311:03:33

Greg, that woman is stunning!

1:03:331:03:34

Oh, he's covering, Kevin,

1:03:341:03:36

cos he didn't want Pam to get suspicious.

1:03:361:03:38

-Dad.

-Did you see the way his carotid artery

1:03:381:03:39

throbbed when he looked at her?

1:03:391:03:41

-Dad.

-Give me a break, Jack. Come on.

1:03:411:03:42

Now this is what I'm talking about, Pam.

1:03:421:03:44

I'm sorry, but this man cannot be trusted.

1:03:441:03:46

Could you for once in your life stay out of my marriage?

1:03:461:03:48

Greg, come on, don't get hysterical.

1:03:481:03:49

I'm not getting hysterical. He's getting hysterical.

1:03:491:03:51

Look, it's natural to get a little tempted.

1:03:511:03:53

Nobody's tempted, nobody's...

1:03:531:03:54

Look, even our dear friend the Buddha

1:03:541:03:56

had to pass through some sorrow

1:03:561:03:57

on his way to enlightenment.

1:03:571:03:58

Our dear friend the Buddha?

1:03:581:04:00

How's he doing? It's been so long.

1:04:001:04:02

Do you ever listen to yourself?

1:04:021:04:03

I try not to.

1:04:031:04:04

I speak from the heart, off the cuff, like my man, JC,

1:04:041:04:06

at the Sermon on the Mount.

1:04:061:04:08

I think that's what you've always admired about me.

1:04:081:04:10

Well, I got news for you. You're not Jesus.

1:04:101:04:12

Well, he may not be Jesus,

1:04:121:04:13

but he's a far better choice for Pam than you are, Greg.

1:04:131:04:15

Dad!

1:04:151:04:16

-I'm sorry...

-Would you stop

1:04:161:04:17

with the course-correction stuff?

1:04:171:04:19

-What's the course-correction stuff?

-It's nothing.

1:04:191:04:20

I want to hear all about it, Jack.

1:04:201:04:21

You're leading this family onto rocky shoals, Focker,

1:04:211:04:25

and as captain of the ship,

1:04:251:04:26

I'm steering us away to safety.

1:04:261:04:27

Well, you know what? You're not a ship's captain, Jack.

1:04:271:04:29

We're people. We're not on a boat, we're in a hospital. OK?

1:04:291:04:32

We're human beings in a hospital and you're not the captain.

1:04:321:04:35

Well, I may not be the captain, Gregory Focker,

1:04:351:04:37

but you're not the Godfocker!

1:04:371:04:39

Good. Cos I don't want to be the stupid Godfocker.

1:04:401:04:44

I'm the Greg Focker, Jack! All right? I am Greg Focker!

1:04:441:04:47

And by the way, Dr Bob told me you offered him the job first.

1:04:471:04:50

Nice to know I was your sloppy seconds.

1:04:501:04:51

You spoke to Dr Bob?

1:04:511:04:53

Yeah, I did, Jack.

1:04:531:04:54

Had beers with him last night.

1:04:541:04:55

He's in town for a convention.

1:04:551:04:56

That's it. You're done.

1:04:561:04:58

-You're done, it's over, that's it.

-You know what?

1:04:581:04:59

You can't tell me I'm done because I already quit.

1:04:591:05:01

-You're done.

-I'm getting off the wheel.

1:05:011:05:02

-What wheel?

-The wheel!

1:05:021:05:03

The little hamster wheel that we're all running up

1:05:031:05:05

to get a little taste of your little water thingy!

1:05:051:05:07

Just, please, approval! Approval!

1:05:071:05:09

What the hell are you doing?

1:05:091:05:10

Please! Give me some of the Jack...

1:05:101:05:11

It's like a metaphor for your approval...

1:05:111:05:13

Thank you for clearing that up!

1:05:131:05:14

What are you even doing here, Kevin?

1:05:141:05:16

-I'm trying to help.

-Why don't you get on

1:05:161:05:17

your stupid monster yacht

1:05:171:05:18

with your bubble-butt Russian girlfriend

1:05:181:05:20

and do Jell-O shots off of Deepak Chopra's butt?

1:05:201:05:23

Greg, don't drag Deepak into this. Please, Greg.

1:05:231:05:25

Hey, Dina. Jack had a heart attack two weeks ago. Adios, folks!

1:05:261:05:30

-AUTOMATED VOICE:

-Going down.

1:05:371:05:38

Hey.

1:05:381:05:40

-Hey.

-You OK?

1:05:401:05:41

Yeah.

1:05:431:05:44

Need a ride?

1:05:441:05:45

-ON ANSWERING MACHINE:

-Hey, it's Pam. Leave me a message.

1:05:471:05:50

-GREG:

-Hey, I'm gonna sleep over

1:05:501:05:51

at the new house tonight, all right?

1:05:511:05:53

I just can't deal with your dad right now.

1:05:531:05:55

Are you sure you're gonna be OK?

1:05:581:05:59

Yeah, I think I just need to clear my head. Thanks for the ride.

1:05:591:06:03

No problem.

1:06:031:06:04

Why am I the bad guy here? Greg was the one who was being dishonest.

1:06:071:06:10

Oh, please. All Greg did was downplay that woman's looks,

1:06:101:06:13

so Pam wouldn't be jealous, and you know it.

1:06:131:06:16

You know you did the same thing

1:06:161:06:17

with that gorgeous double agent in Helsinki

1:06:171:06:19

during the Cold War.

1:06:191:06:20

Oh, you're still bringing up Aatukka Kokkonen.

1:06:201:06:23

I told you her beauty was privileged information.

1:06:231:06:25

It was a matter of national security.

1:06:251:06:27

Oh, yes. Like your heart condition?

1:06:271:06:29

Listen, Jack.

1:06:291:06:31

Greg cares about his family

1:06:311:06:33

just as much as you care about yours. All right?

1:06:331:06:36

KNOCKING ON DOOR

1:06:441:06:46

Pam?

1:06:461:06:47

Don't be mad. I totally don't want to harass you.

1:06:541:06:57

You just seemed so sad, I had to bring you some treats.

1:06:571:07:00

Oh. Wow, thanks.

1:07:001:07:03

Some Chinese food. Little wine.

1:07:031:07:06

No offence,

1:07:081:07:09

but does Pam even realise how dope you are?

1:07:091:07:11

Oh, yeah, no. I think she thinks I'm dope.

1:07:111:07:14

It's just, you know,

1:07:141:07:17

it just changes when you have kids,

1:07:171:07:18

you know, because everything becomes focused around them.

1:07:181:07:20

Totally. And I'm sure you're like,

1:07:201:07:21

"Hello! Can I have some fun, too?"

1:07:211:07:24

Yeah, no. I mean, it's fun, but it's just a different kind of fun.

1:07:241:07:27

More wine.

1:07:271:07:28

It's not like old single fun, where you go out.

1:07:281:07:31

It's more like wake up in the morning at 6:00, make the kids breakfast.

1:07:311:07:34

You know, that kind of fun.

1:07:341:07:36

I love it. I mean, they're so cute.

1:07:361:07:38

Like, the other day, Henry came in

1:07:381:07:39

and he had his little top hat on and said,

1:07:391:07:42

"I'm the mayor of the kitchen."

1:07:421:07:43

Oh, he's gonna be the mayor?

1:07:431:07:45

Just out of nowhere he got this idea he wanted to be the mayor.

1:07:451:07:47

And then he came in and he said,

1:07:471:07:49

"And here is a proclamation. You cannot use the 'frigerator."

1:07:491:07:52

And he had a sash on. I think I have a picture of it.

1:07:521:07:56

Yeah. I mean, I'm biased, but he's very creative.

1:07:561:07:58

I'm going to step out for a bit

1:08:001:08:01

and get some milk for the morning.

1:08:011:08:03

Don't, Jack. We both know that's not true.

1:08:031:08:06

I don't know why I still think I can get anything by you.

1:08:071:08:10

Mmm.

1:08:101:08:11

I'm going to find Greg. I'm going to bring him home.

1:08:121:08:15

You know where he is?

1:08:151:08:16

I have an idea.

1:08:161:08:18

And for the record, nothing ever happened with Aatukka Kokkonen.

1:08:181:08:21

ANDI: Aw.

1:08:231:08:24

-GREG:

-And this is the play that she wrote called Tropical Seas.

1:08:241:08:27

They're so cute.

1:08:271:08:28

Yeah. They really are.

1:08:281:08:29

That's you!

1:08:311:08:32

Yes. I am an algae-seaweed-type plant.

1:08:321:08:35

You know, I got to go home.

1:08:351:08:37

Yeah, I totally get that.

1:08:371:08:39

HE GRUNTS

1:08:391:08:41

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

1:08:411:08:42

Andi, Andi, no, no, no.

1:08:421:08:44

-Yes, yes, yes, yes.

-Andi, I think I gave you the wrong idea. No...

1:08:441:08:46

Greg, ever since we tag-teamed on that enema,

1:09:121:09:14

I've wanted you.

1:09:141:09:15

It was just an enema. Really, I think you're idealising the enema.

1:09:151:09:19

Andi, you know what, I think you might have had a little too much wine.

1:09:191:09:21

Wine is fine, papi! I took a few Sustengo.

1:09:211:09:25

You took a Sustengo? Why would you do that?

1:09:251:09:27

That's crazy. I'm gonna call a cab.

1:09:291:09:30

Can I see more pictures of your kids?

1:09:341:09:36

Definitely not. You can't... You got to put your thing back on.

1:09:371:09:40

Don't be a grumpy daddy!

1:09:401:09:42

I'm not being a grumpy... You got to...

1:09:421:09:43

SHE GROWLS

1:09:431:09:45

No, Andi! Andi, give me the phone!

1:10:091:10:11

-You want it?

-I do want it.

1:10:111:10:13

-Come and get it.

-I want... I...

1:10:131:10:15

-Andi, it's not funny.

-Oooh!

1:10:151:10:17

Let's go swimming!

1:10:171:10:19

Andi, no, it's not a pool.

1:10:191:10:20

Is it heated? Is there a grotto?

1:10:201:10:22

No, no, it's a pit! Andi, don't do this.

1:10:221:10:25

Come on! Put your clothes back on. All right?

1:10:251:10:27

Andi, no! That's not nice!

1:10:271:10:29

You don't throw people's phones in pits, OK?

1:10:291:10:31

You're mean!

1:10:311:10:32

Andi, put the clothes back on! Come on!

1:10:321:10:34

I hate you!

1:10:341:10:36

HE SCREAMS

1:10:361:10:38

Belly flop!

1:10:381:10:39

SHE SCREAMS

1:10:401:10:42

CHILDREN CHATTERING

1:10:561:10:58

You really don't know where Greg is?

1:11:011:11:02

Honey, I struck out.

1:11:021:11:05

I guess my skills just aren't what they used to be.

1:11:051:11:07

Look who it is. There they are!

1:11:071:11:09

Hey, Kevin!

1:11:091:11:10

-Kevin.

-Quite a shindig.

1:11:101:11:12

Well, you only turn five once.

1:11:121:11:14

Or twice, in this case.

1:11:141:11:15

-Now, I've got a little surprise for you, Jack.

-Gustavo?

1:11:151:11:18

Is that who I think it is?

1:11:201:11:21

-KEVIN:

-You'd better believe it.

1:11:211:11:22

Jinxy!

1:11:221:11:24

When I heard about your health issues last night,

1:11:241:11:26

I knew I had to fly him out here.

1:11:261:11:27

Kevin, incredibly thoughtful of you. Thank you.

1:11:271:11:30

How come Daddy's not here?

1:11:301:11:32

Is it because I was mean to him?

1:11:321:11:34

No, honey, absolutely not, sweetheart.

1:11:341:11:37

It's because Grandpa was mean to him.

1:11:371:11:39

But he's coming! He's coming. He will be here, OK?

1:11:391:11:42

So, let's go have some more fun.

1:11:421:11:44

All right? Let's go. Let's go see what else there is.

1:11:441:11:46

BERNIE: Just wait one sec!

1:11:521:11:53

Gay!

1:11:551:11:56

Gay!

1:12:031:12:04

Gay?

1:12:061:12:07

-Dad.

-What's that hole?

1:12:081:12:10

Why are you so muddy? Where is everyone?

1:12:101:12:12

They're at Kevin's.

1:12:121:12:14

-The party's over at Kevin's.

-I got to get over there.

1:12:141:12:15

-The kids' party's at Kevin's?

-I thought you were in Spain.

1:12:151:12:17

I was, but I can't miss my little gazugas turning five.

1:12:171:12:20

How are you?

1:12:201:12:21

Hey! Oh, man. I'm so sorry.

1:12:211:12:24

I was so messed up last night.

1:12:251:12:28

Who's that?

1:12:301:12:31

That is... Dad, that's Andi Garcia.

1:12:311:12:32

-Oh.

-She's a work colleague of mine.

1:12:321:12:33

Oh, hi, Dad!

1:12:331:12:35

Yeah. She took a few too many prescription pills

1:12:351:12:37

and then she pushed me in the pit.

1:12:371:12:38

Total party foul. My bad on that one.

1:12:381:12:40

-Garcia? Is that Spanish?

-OK, we got to go.

1:12:401:12:42

Yeah. My grandparents are from Sevilla.

1:12:421:12:44

Are you kidding? I was just in Seville, mastering the flamenco!

1:12:441:12:47

-No way!

-Dad.

1:12:471:12:48

What? But I got to show her a few moves.

1:12:481:12:50

Her grandparents are from Seville.

1:12:501:12:51

-Dad, no, no! Dad, I got to go!

-OK.

1:12:511:12:53

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

1:12:531:12:54

Ole!

1:12:541:12:56

Your dad's really good.

1:12:571:12:58

The faster you go indicates an increase in sexual prowess.

1:12:581:13:01

Andi, good luck.

1:13:011:13:02

-Adios, Pops.

-Adios.

1:13:021:13:03

It's a good thing you pulled me away. I was starting to get a semi.

1:13:051:13:08

-Oh, Dad, please.

-It's involuntary.

1:13:081:13:10

It's the parasympathetic nervous system. Flamenco's very sexual.

1:13:101:13:14

Well, just so you know, nothing happened with her.

1:13:141:13:15

I know that. We're Fockers. That's not the way we roll.

1:13:151:13:18

But I know something went down with the family. You OK?

1:13:181:13:21

Yeah, just the usual Jack stuff. You OK?

1:13:211:13:25

Your mom was right. Man-opause. Makes me act like a lunatic.

1:13:251:13:28

You know, I get a little nutty.

1:13:281:13:30

Grandma Roz! Grandma Roz!

1:13:311:13:33

My God.

1:13:331:13:34

There she is! My little scrunchie-munchie. Let me look at you, baby.

1:13:341:13:38

Oh, you look so cute. Do you mind if we sit down, honey?

1:13:381:13:41

Have a little chat. Cos Grandma's feet hurt.

1:13:411:13:44

So, I hear you're not speaking to your father.

1:13:441:13:49

Is that true?

1:13:491:13:51

Well, let me tell you something about men, Samantha.

1:13:511:13:54

They... They... They're told to be tough and hard, you know?

1:13:541:13:59

But inside, they're quite soft and gooey.

1:13:591:14:04

Kind of like a cannoli.

1:14:041:14:06

A knish? It's not exactly that.

1:14:071:14:09

It's more like peanut butter and jelly inside burnt toast.

1:14:091:14:13

BOTH LAUGH

1:14:131:14:15

And once you know that, you can cut them a little slack.

1:14:151:14:18

Besides, you'll have plenty of time

1:14:181:14:19

to aggravate him in your teens.

1:14:191:14:21

Grandma!

1:14:211:14:22

Hi, honey! Look at you, how big you got!

1:14:221:14:25

Hi, sweetheart.

1:14:251:14:26

Come here and give me a Focker sandwich. OK, I'm the cheese.

1:14:261:14:29

-We're cheese!

-I'm the cheese.

1:14:291:14:31

No, I'm the cheese and you're the bread.

1:14:311:14:33

We're sourdough.

1:14:331:14:34

Attention! Attention!

1:14:341:14:37

CROWD CHEER

1:14:431:14:45

Henry and Samantha! Today you are five!

1:14:521:14:55

-This way.

-OK, thank you.

1:15:001:15:02

Dad.

1:15:061:15:08

-Yeah.

-You coming?

1:15:081:15:09

Yeah. I just want to practise the dance

1:15:091:15:10

I'm gonna surprise your mother with.

1:15:101:15:12

Go ahead.

1:15:121:15:13

OK. I'll see you down there.

1:15:131:15:14

Gay?

1:15:141:15:16

My two cents. The way to deal with Jack,

1:15:161:15:18

no matter what he does, just smother that guy with kisses.

1:15:181:15:21

He'll be putty in your hands.

1:15:211:15:22

Good.

1:15:221:15:23

-Love, love, love.

-Good, putty, thank you.

1:15:231:15:24

-Oh, Gay.

-Yes.

1:15:241:15:26

You look good.

1:15:271:15:29

Thank you.

1:15:291:15:30

All right.

1:15:311:15:32

-Can you do me a favour?

-OK.

1:15:361:15:37

Can you just put this leg down slowly? It's an old sex injury.

1:15:371:15:40

-Like this?

-Yeah.

1:15:401:15:41

Oh, my gosh.

1:15:441:15:45

This performance is my gift to you!

1:15:471:15:50

-You are the chosen ones!

-Pam.

1:15:501:15:52

-Pam!

-Greg.

1:15:541:15:56

KEVIN: I pronounce this your day!

1:15:561:15:58

Oh, what happened to you?

1:15:581:15:59

Oh, it's... I...

1:15:591:16:01

I'll tell you about it later, OK?

1:16:021:16:04

Look, I'm really sorry about what happened.

1:16:041:16:06

-I just...

-I'm sorry, too.

1:16:061:16:07

I let everything get out of control and I shouldn't have.

1:16:071:16:10

It's just... It's just your dad.

1:16:101:16:11

-You know, I...

-I know. He's insane.

1:16:111:16:13

Yes. Yes.

1:16:141:16:16

Listen to me. We've got our own thing and it works.

1:16:171:16:20

It does, right?

1:16:211:16:22

Yeah, we actually kind of know what we're doing.

1:16:221:16:24

-I love you.

-I love you.

1:16:241:16:27

Hey, Sam! Happy birthday.

1:16:301:16:32

Look, I know you don't want to talk to me.

1:16:321:16:34

I just want you to know that's OK.

1:16:341:16:35

I love you anyway.

1:16:351:16:37

I know, Daddy.

1:16:371:16:39

Dad!

1:16:421:16:43

There he is!

1:16:431:16:44

Hey, happy birthday, man!

1:16:441:16:46

Hey, look, I think you left something at home.

1:16:461:16:48

Arthur!

1:16:501:16:51

-Yeah.

-Thanks, Dad.

1:16:511:16:53

CROWD GASPS

1:16:531:16:55

It's so beautiful.

1:16:591:17:01

HE SCREAMS

1:17:041:17:05

Oh, my God.

1:17:051:17:06

Oh, gosh.

1:17:061:17:07

I'm all right.

1:17:111:17:12

Gustavo! Birthday cake! Birthday cake! Try the birthday cake.

1:17:121:17:16

There's 36 different kinds!

1:17:161:17:18

Kevin?

1:17:261:17:27

Rosalind.

1:17:271:17:28

What a mitzvah that you could make it to the party.

1:17:301:17:33

What's wrong, honey?

1:17:331:17:34

I wish I knew.

1:17:341:17:36

Come. Sit down.

1:17:361:17:37

Look over this way a little bit. And a little up. Up.

1:17:391:17:43

Hey, Jack.

1:17:441:17:46

Wow, that's great. That's a great likeness.

1:17:471:17:49

That's really...

1:17:511:17:52

It really captured the intensity and looks just like you.

1:17:521:17:56

All right. So, look, last night,

1:17:561:17:57

I think we both said some things we regret.

1:17:571:17:59

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about Dr Bob.

1:17:591:18:02

But then you did that whole course-correction thing. So...

1:18:021:18:05

Anyway, "peace" of cake offering.

1:18:051:18:09

What the hell?

1:18:151:18:17

Oh, shit.

1:18:191:18:21

Jack, you all right? Jack, I'm sorry.

1:18:211:18:24

Jack, you OK?

1:18:241:18:25

OK, Focker. At least you're going to make this a little fun.

1:18:261:18:30

Jack. Let's not do this. Come on.

1:18:311:18:34

We've had this date since the beginning, Greg.

1:18:341:18:37

Ow!

1:18:371:18:38

All right. Let's dance.

1:18:401:18:43

Come on, man.

1:18:431:18:44

Jack?

1:19:041:19:05

Where are you? Jack!

1:19:141:19:15

Jack?

1:19:191:19:20

Get out of the ball pit! Get out of the ball pit! Get out!

1:19:261:19:31

Let's go.

1:19:311:19:32

Get out! Get out of the ball pit!

1:19:321:19:34

Get out!

1:19:341:19:35

CHILDREN SCREAM

1:19:351:19:38

Jack?

1:19:381:19:39

JACK ROARS

1:19:441:19:45

I saw you last night with Andi Garcia!

1:19:491:19:52

Nothing happened!

1:19:531:19:54

I've been in the wild for so long,

1:19:561:19:57

that maybe it's time to come home.

1:19:571:19:59

But then where is home?

1:19:591:20:00

Honey, home is inside of you.

1:20:001:20:03

What you have been seeking out there is right in here.

1:20:031:20:07

-In your heart?

-No, in your heart.

1:20:071:20:09

In my heart.

1:20:091:20:10

Yes, yes, Kevin.

1:20:101:20:12

Suck it!

1:20:281:20:29

Arthur? Arthur? Mom! Arthur's missing!

1:20:321:20:36

Jack! Nothing happened.

1:20:521:20:53

-What'd you say?

-Jack, nothing happened.

1:20:551:20:57

I'm telling you the truth.

1:20:571:20:58

Oh, shit.

1:20:591:21:01

Jinxy! Jinxy! Bad cat! Bad cat!

1:21:031:21:07

Jinx! Bad cat!

1:21:071:21:09

Jinx!

1:21:091:21:11

Jinx! Jinx!

1:21:121:21:14

Oh, shit.

1:21:141:21:16

Kevin, you are a lovely young man

1:21:161:21:19

with a number of unusual fixations and hobbies.

1:21:191:21:23

-Thank you.

-I know you're going to find your way.

1:21:231:21:25

Trust me, honey. Because you have the strength of a lion

1:21:251:21:28

and the soul of a poet.

1:21:281:21:30

MUFFLED PROTEST

1:21:311:21:33

-BERNIE:

-Roz?

1:21:341:21:35

Bernie? What are you doing here?

1:21:371:21:39

What are you doing here?

1:21:401:21:42

The guy has issues, honey.

1:21:421:21:43

Bernard, I swear this isn't what it looks like.

1:21:431:21:45

Your wife was comforting me in a moment of distress

1:21:451:21:48

and my soul just reached out to her.

1:21:481:21:50

Your soul or your tongue?

1:21:501:21:51

No. There was no tongue involved.

1:21:511:21:52

There was a little.

1:21:521:21:54

Thank you for your honesty.

1:21:541:21:55

I thought you were in Spain, honey. What happened?

1:21:551:21:58

What happened?

1:21:581:21:59

I went halfway around the world to master the flamenco,

1:21:591:22:02

but there was one thing missing,

1:22:021:22:04

my dance partner.

1:22:041:22:06

Oh, Bernie.

1:22:061:22:08

You're my true north.

1:22:081:22:10

I know as long as we're together, I'll never get lost.

1:22:101:22:12

Oh, what a beautiful line.

1:22:121:22:15

Come here, baby.

1:22:151:22:17

That's beautiful. So raw, this electricity...

1:22:171:22:20

Will you get out of here so I can shtup my wife?

1:22:201:22:23

Shtup her? Yeah, sure.

1:22:231:22:25

-GREG:

-Jinx!

1:22:251:22:26

HENRY: Grandpa! Grandpa! What's wrong?

1:22:261:22:29

Jack?

1:22:291:22:30

Jack. Jack.

1:22:301:22:31

Jack.

1:22:311:22:33

Honey. Greg, do something.

1:22:331:22:34

-OK. Having some chest pain?

-Yeah.

1:22:341:22:36

All right. Just relax. I'm gonna check you out.

1:22:361:22:38

What's wrong with Grandpa?

1:22:381:22:39

-PAM:

-He's gonna be fine, honey.

1:22:391:22:40

OK, I'm here. OK.

1:22:401:22:43

Jack, you have your nitro tabs with you?

1:22:431:22:45

Greg, he's not responding to my treatment.

1:22:451:22:47

Really? To you waving your hands over him? He's not a Ouija board, Kevin.

1:22:471:22:51

Pam? Call 911.

1:22:511:22:52

OK.

1:22:521:22:53

Kevin, can you go up to the house, see if you have some aspirin?

1:22:531:22:55

-Aspirin.

-It's all right.

1:22:551:22:57

Jinx!

1:22:581:22:59

-Arthur!

-Wow.

1:23:051:23:07

Thanks, Dad.

1:23:071:23:09

SIREN WAILS

1:23:091:23:11

Just relax, Jack. It's going to be OK.

1:23:111:23:14

Breathe, breathe.

1:23:141:23:16

I promise.

1:23:161:23:17

Is he taking any other medications?

1:23:181:23:20

Just the 324 milligrams of aspirin

1:23:231:23:25

I gave him about 15 minutes ago.

1:23:251:23:27

Thank you, nurse. You did good. We'll take it from here.

1:23:271:23:29

By the way, how'd you guys come by

1:23:291:23:31

all these bruises and lacerations?

1:23:311:23:32

Oh, it's a long story.

1:23:321:23:34

We were in the bouncy castle, and then he tripped, and...

1:23:341:23:37

I get it. My father-in-law "tripped"

1:23:371:23:40

through a plate glass window at my wedding last year.

1:23:401:23:43

All right. Let's get him loaded up.

1:23:431:23:45

Don't worry. We'll take care of your husband.

1:23:451:23:47

We're gonna follow behind you in the car. All right?

1:23:471:23:50

Greg.

1:23:501:23:51

I know you were telling the truth about Andi, Greg.

1:23:521:23:55

-Really?

-Yeah.

1:23:551:23:58

The pulse on your carotid artery remained steady

1:23:581:24:00

as you pleaded your innocence.

1:24:001:24:03

Right, of course.

1:24:031:24:04

-And, Greg?

-Yeah.

1:24:051:24:07

It was never going to be Dr Bob. It was you.

1:24:071:24:11

It was always you.

1:24:111:24:12

You just relax and stay quiet, Mr Byrnes.

1:24:121:24:15

I'll see you over there. OK?

1:24:151:24:16

-MUFFLED:

-...Focker.

1:24:161:24:18

Why is he cursing at us?

1:24:181:24:19

Hey, we are trying to help you, sir.

1:24:191:24:21

What? What?

1:24:211:24:23

You're the Greg Focker.

1:24:251:24:27

I'm sorry, what?

1:24:271:24:29

You're the... You're the Greg Focker.

1:24:291:24:33

I'm the Greg Focker.

1:24:361:24:38

OK. OK.

1:24:441:24:46

OK.

1:24:481:24:49

EMT: Let's get him up.

1:24:491:24:50

ALL CHATTERING

1:25:101:25:11

-BERNIE:

-One more.

-I need more. I need more.

1:25:151:25:17

One more, one more.

1:25:171:25:18

No, I need more.

1:25:181:25:19

-Another present. BERNIE:

-Here.

1:25:191:25:20

Best Chistmakkah ever.

1:25:201:25:22

This is a very special gift, guys.

1:25:221:25:24

HENRY: One more, cool!

1:25:241:25:25

What is it, Grandpa Bernie?

1:25:251:25:27

I've had it with me my entire life.

1:25:271:25:28

It's my own original whoopee cushion.

1:25:281:25:30

-What does it do?

-Are you kidding me?

1:25:301:25:32

Jack, lift up your leg.

1:25:321:25:34

Jack, come on.

1:25:351:25:36

FARTING NOISE

1:25:371:25:39

ALL LAUGH

1:25:391:25:40

-ROZ:

-Disgusting!

1:25:401:25:42

It farts!

1:25:421:25:44

Jack, we have to laugh at the stuff that makes us human, right?

1:25:441:25:46

Gas, burps. Picking noses?

1:25:461:25:49

You kids want to pick your nose and flick your boogers, do it.

1:25:491:25:51

Hey, Bernie.

1:25:511:25:52

But do it only when it's dry.

1:25:521:25:54

-Don't do a wet one.

-I have something for Jack.

1:25:541:25:55

-Take that to your room.

-It's what makes life, life!

1:25:551:25:57

I know. I know. Here, Jack,

1:25:571:25:59

this is a little something from Bernie and me to you.

1:25:591:26:02

Oh, how thoughtful. Thank you.

1:26:021:26:03

It is a very thoughtful gift.

1:26:031:26:05

It was your idea.

1:26:051:26:06

I know.

1:26:061:26:07

-What's this?

-ROZ: What is that?

1:26:071:26:09

That is your own personal yarmulke!

1:26:091:26:12

Jack!

1:26:121:26:13

One of those little Jewish hats.

1:26:131:26:15

ROZ: Cute.

1:26:151:26:16

-BERNIE:

-We know that you're into that genealogy stuff.

1:26:161:26:18

So, when I was nursing you back to health,

1:26:181:26:20

I took the opportunity, when you were taking a nap,

1:26:201:26:23

of snipping a couple of your pubes

1:26:231:26:24

and I sent it to one of those DNA testing sites.

1:26:241:26:27

You did what?

1:26:271:26:28

We thought it'd be fun to trace your lineage all the way back.

1:26:281:26:31

-BERNIE:

-Yes. And it turns out, Jack T Byrnes,

1:26:311:26:33

that you are one twenty-third Israelite!

1:26:331:26:36

Welcome to the tribe, Jack!

1:26:361:26:38

While I dispute the findings, I appreciate the gesture.

1:26:381:26:40

Thank you, Bernard, Roz.

1:26:401:26:41

You're welcome, Ya'akov.

1:26:411:26:42

-Your Hebrew name.

-Ya'akov.

1:26:421:26:44

-BERNIE:

-Ya'akov.

-Ya'akov.

1:26:441:26:45

-BERNIE:

-Two As.

1:26:451:26:47

Well, listen, Greg, we're in your home

1:26:471:26:49

and you're in charge here, so why don't you lead us in a toast?

1:26:491:26:52

Right.

1:26:521:26:53

Honestly, Jack, I have no desire

1:26:531:26:56

to try and sound like I am

1:26:561:26:57

in any way in charge of anything in this house.

1:26:571:27:00

But I do love our family very, very much.

1:27:001:27:02

And I'm really happy that we can all be here together for the weekend.

1:27:021:27:08

Then we'll part ways and you guys will return to your homes

1:27:081:27:11

-in your own respective states.

-Cheers.

1:27:111:27:12

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

1:27:121:27:14

Actually, sweetheart, your dad and I have a little...

1:27:141:27:17

-Gaylord, we're moving to Chicago.

-Ha!

1:27:171:27:20

No, we're serious. We sold Focker Isle.

1:27:201:27:22

We just bought the house two doors down. Isn't that great?

1:27:221:27:25

-No, that's not great.

-Oh, no, if they're moving here,

1:27:251:27:27

-then we're moving here.

-Good!

1:27:271:27:28

We'll live together, one big happy family.

1:27:281:27:31

No. No. No. Jack,

1:27:311:27:32

nobody's moving because nobody's moving. Right?

1:27:321:27:34

-BERNIE:

-How else are the kids gonna be Fockerised if we don't live here?

1:27:341:27:37

No. Nobody's going to be Fockerised.

1:27:371:27:39

-No.

-Why not?

1:27:391:27:41

This Google is a wonderful tool, Jinxy cat.

1:27:431:27:46

Don't tell anyone, but I'm going to do a search on myself.

1:27:471:27:50

Come on. Who needs something like this?

1:28:071:28:09

Who's the target demo for a drug like Sustengo?

1:28:091:28:12

And I got to say it's somebody like my father-in-law.

1:28:121:28:15

His name is Jack Byrnes. You know, he had a heart attack

1:28:151:28:17

and he called me up, he said, "Greg, I've had a heart attack."

1:28:171:28:21

Now, I said, "First of all, Jack,

1:28:211:28:22

"don't you have to have a heart to get one of those?"

1:28:221:28:24

LAUGHTER

1:28:241:28:25

First weekend I ever met him, he said to me, he said,

1:28:251:28:28

"Hey, listen, keep your snake in its cage for the next 72 hours."

1:28:281:28:34

I didn't say it like that.

1:28:341:28:35

All right. Maybe somebody's had their snake

1:28:351:28:37

in their cage for about 30 years! OK?

1:28:371:28:41

Whoa, Dr Patel knows what I'm talking about...

1:28:411:28:42

Remix. What's a remix?

1:28:421:28:44

-You know, the guy is definitely obsessed...

-RAP SONG PLAYS

1:28:441:28:46

-GREG RAPPING:

-Byrnes, Jack Byrnes

1:28:461:28:48

My father-in-law My father-in-law

1:28:481:28:49

Byrnes, Jack Byrnes

1:28:491:28:51

Candidate for the drug Obsessed with sex

1:28:511:28:53

Byrnes, Jack Byrnes

1:28:531:28:55

Not getting it up

1:28:551:28:56

Jack, Jack Byrnes

1:28:561:28:58

Talk about sexual frustration

1:28:581:29:00

Byrnes

1:29:001:29:01

Obsessed with boobs He can breast-feed his grandson

1:29:011:29:03

Jack Byrnes

1:29:031:29:04

Mannary gland Couple of tugs off the thing himself

1:29:041:29:07

Hey, Focker

1:29:071:29:08

I never did that.

1:29:081:29:09

Hey, Focker, I got nipples OK

1:29:091:29:11

Hey, Focker, I got nipples Wow

1:29:111:29:12

Can you milk me?

1:29:121:29:14

Circle of trust goes round and round

1:29:141:29:16

Jack Circle of trust goes round and round

1:29:161:29:17

Byrnes Circle of trust goes round and round

1:29:171:29:19

Jack

1:29:191:29:21

Hello! Hot little number he's got named Jinxy

1:29:211:29:23

Now, he's talking about you.

1:29:231:29:25

Hot little number he's got named Jinxy

1:29:251:29:26

Jinxy cat, Jinxy cat I love you

1:29:261:29:29

The Godfocker.

1:29:291:29:30

JINXY HISSES

1:29:301:29:32

Comedy sequel.

Greg Focker, now promoted into a new job and father to two children, agrees with his domineering father-in-law Jack Byrnes to take responsibility for leading the family when Jack dies. But Jack becomes convinced Greg is having an affair with a drug rep, and soon Greg is once again outside the Circle of Trust.