The Lavender Hill Mob

LATIN AMERICAN MUSIC

-Quem?

-Oh, Senor Ingles.

Aahhh!

-Senor...

-Obrigado.

Muito obrigado, senor.

-Your first visit to South America?

-Yes. I wish I could stay longer.

It's a pleasant place.

-Senor, congratulations, a wonderful work.

-Thank you, senora.

The President himself told my husband

it was the occasion of the year.

Oh, Senora. I have something for your subscription list...

"The Victims of the Revolution."

Perhaps I can give it to you now?

Thank you, senor. Always SO generous.

The wife of Martin Gallardo, the frozen meat king.

Very decent couple. Excuse me...

Manuel...

Pity you can't stay till Sunday.

I've got a horse in the Jockey Club Stakes.

You...rode...a very good race.

MANUEL REPLIES IN PORTUGUESE

A very good race.

The racing's not quite straight out here.

Still, I've tried to raise the standards.

Ah, Chiquita, Chiquita!

I hoped I'd see you.

You run along and get yourself that little birthday present.

Oh, how sweet of you. Thank you.

You seem to have accomplished quite a lot in one year.

One superb year.

Just when I was beginning to believe I'd never achieve it.

I've dreamed of a life like this for 20 years,

and for 19 of those years, fate denied me the one necessary contact.

Still, I never quite lost sight of the goal,

inaccessible though it often seemed to me,

when I was merely...

merely...a nonentity,

among all those thousands who flock every morning into the city.

Most men who long to be rich know inwardly they never will be.

But I was in the unique position of having a fortune

literally within my grasp.

I supervised the delivery of gold bullion

from the refinery to the bank.

-Lucky I saw that.

-Yes. Very lucky.

Mr Richards, with gold at 240 shillings per pound,

that particle, estimating its value at 0.025,

would entail a loss of approximately six shillings.

Well, check this - 100 gold bars,

weighed to the value of £495,987.

Well, Mr Richards, your deposit will be returned

as usual when the gold enters the bank. You are both armed?

'I was well aware they all ridiculed me for the way I fussed and worried.

'That was precisely what I had striven for years to achieve.'

BUZZ

Here we go again.

-There's a car been following us.

-That one, sir?

Of course not! A black Chrysler. THX 375.

-It's gone on ahead.

-No sign of it now, sir.

It's probably waiting for us. Go and have a look.

And leave me your gun meanwhile.

'Nobody can say my precautions were not justified.

'Many a rascal would have risked his all for half a million,

'not realising that gold in the form of bullion is useless

'without a method of smuggling it abroad.

'To find that method was my last remaining problem.

'Meanwhile, I gave the banks their gold.'

-Thanks, Holland. Everything in order?

-Yes, sir.

Silly question. Nothing's gone wrong in 20 years.

That'll do, Holland.

Surely after all this time,

you could give that poor old devil a chance.

Oh, I'm afraid it wouldn't work, sir,

his one and only virtue is honesty.

No imagination...no initiative.

'I was a potential millionaire,

'yet I had to be satisfied

'with eight pounds, 15 shillings, less deductions.

'A weekly reminder that the years were passing

'and my problem still unsolved.

'Until my ship came home,

'I was obliged to live at the Balmoral Private Hotel,

'Lavender Hill.'

Oh, Holland...

The man of millions. Got any spare ingots for an old pal?

-CHUCKLING: You'll be the death of me, Holland.

-I sincerely trust so.

Ah, Mr Holland...

-Always punctual.

-I smell oxtail soup again.

Let's see, where did we get?

Duke Milligan was about to take a gander

at Nicky the Greek's hideout.

Oh, yes. Here we are.

"I handed my fedora to a hat-check girl

"with all that Venus de Milo had got and then more,

"and I was admiring the more when I glimpsed something

-"in the back of this frail that made my flesh creep..."

-Ohhh.

I know that feeling well.

"A guy had soft-shoed out of the gaming room, quiet as a snake,

"and I didn't need my case history of smiling Ed Montana to know

"that sunny boy was his number one trigger man, Ricci the Filipino."

I thought it was Little Boy Schultz who carried the rod for Mr Montana.

It was, but remember, Montana found Schultz taking liberties

-with that redhead.

-Yes! They took him for a ride.

Only last night, wasn't it? I must be getting old.

Read on, Mr Holland.

"If ever I felt like putting up a new high

"for the Mile of the Century,

"this was the time.

"And then I thought again of those 10,000 smackeroos."

Yes...?

Mr Holland, you're not concentrating.

So sorry.

DOORBELL RINGS

Evesham must be upstairs.

REPEATED KNOCKING ON DOOR

RINGING CONTINUES

Good evening.

Good evening.

Tricky business, this moving, isn't it?

-Can I give you a hand?

-Very civil of you. My name's Pendlebury.

-Holland.

If you wouldn't mind taking "Motherhood"?

Good evening, Mr Pendlebury,

welcome to Balmoral.

How VERY nice to see you.

Oh... Mr Pendlebury!

I knew you were an artistic gentleman, but really...!

I thought... Thank you.

I thought I made myself quite plain when I phoned, Miss Evesham.

I'd no idea it would mean...

There's no place to put it all.

-What about the stable?

-I suppose so.

Mind your toes, Miss Evesham.

I'll be back shortly, Mrs Chalk.

Oh, this is capital! A ready-made studio.

A thing I've wanted all my life. It's even got a north light.

Mr Pendlebury, just one moment...

-My lease forbids it...

-Steady!

-Sorry.

-It's all right. I had to cast her in gilding metal.

-It's a little delicate.

-Mr Pendlebury...

-I did it in my factory. You must come and see it...

-Mr Pendlebury!

Oh, these walls... An admirable background for my canvasses.

Mr Pendlebury!

Let me inform you here and now that no business occupation

may be performed on these premises.

Dear lady, this is not my business occupation. No.

These are my wings, my escape when the cares of the day are over.

My business occupation is unspeakably hideous.

I'm in the "presents from" trade.

You know, present from Brighton, souvenir of Tunbridge Wells...

Tourists could save themselves a lot of luggage space

by applying to us direct for their holiday memories.

And the irony of it is, Holland, I must design them all myself.

I propagate British cultural depravity. Look at this!

Anne Hathaway's cottage for keeping string in!

Wouldn't you infinitely prefer the comparative beauty

of an old biscuit tin?

Southend Pier!

I've thought for years to cut loose from it all,

but never had the courage.

"Of all sad words of tongue or pen,

"the saddest of these, 'it might have been'."

Forgive me. Come and see the casting room.

We're busy on one of our export lines...

Paperweights... We ship 1,000 a week to France.

Here's a little speciality...

MUSIC BOX PLAYS THE CAN-CAN

Quite a simple process really.

When the molten lead is cooled,

it's sprayed with gold paint, then shipped to France.

"Slave, I have set my life upon a cast."

HE CHUCKLES

Richard III.

I believe it's turning into a self-portrait.

I shall call him "The Slave".

My dear Mr Holland, the heat has affected you...?

No, it wasn't the heat, I'm used to that in my job.

-Oh, really?

-Your place is very similar to the refinery.

-Really?

We turn gold into bars, you turn lead into Eiffel Towers.

That's the only difference.

Ahh. If I had gold to deal with...

-Yes...?

-Ah, an idle dream.

-Must be a big responsibility.

-No, not really.

If anyone DID rob our van,

it's virtually impossible to dispose of stolen bullion...

-in this country, at any rate.

-Yes.

-I imagine so.

-Of course, if it could be smuggled abroad...

-What a hope!

I wouldn't say it's out of the question.

Say one had the means of melting the stuff down...

In the kitchen stove? What a job.

Of course not! It would mean taking on a partner...

Ah. Risky, bringing other people in.

It would be essential.

No ONE person could rob our van unaided.

-You mean he'd need accomplices?

-Precisely!

A gang.

-A gang! Not too easy to come by.

-Oh, I don't know...

With gold selling on the black market at two-and-a-half times

its standard price?

Quite a few people would be willing to chance an arm for half a million.

Yes... But how would you get your gold to the Continent?

Well... Supposing one had the right sort of partner...

..in the form of...shall we say...

..Eiffel Tower paperweights.

HE CHUCKLES

By Jove, Holland, it's a good job we're both honest men.

It is indeed, Pendlebury.

Come in.

Ah, Holland, come in and sit down.

Well, Holland, you've been quite the subject of discussion lately.

Don't look so worried, man.

-I've persuaded the chief cashier to give you a leg-up.

-A leg-up, sir?

Promotion - to Foreign Exchange.

-No more uncomfortable journeys in that dreary van.

-But, sir!

Ah, nonsense, don't bother to thank me. You can start next Monday.

-But I can't, sir.

-Why not?

-Because...

Because...

-I'm too old to change my views now, sir.

-One's never too old!

Think what you can do with an extra 15 shillings a week...

But sir, I LIKE the bullion office. It holds all I ever wished for.

Holland, frankly, you haven't enough ambition.

When a good opportunity comes along, grab it with both hands.

It may not occur again.

Very good, sir.

I'll follow your advice.

-So it's now or never.

-This week.

-Friday's delivery.

-Three days to go.

-And two desperadoes to find.

-Bait.

-Bait?

I said bait.

Trap 'em.

Mr Pendlebury.

Hello, Mr Pendlebury.

Hello! What a bit of luck. Just the man I wanted to see.

-What's the trouble?

-That safe in my office.

Something's wrong with the lock.

I'll send a man round tomorrow.

I wish you would. It worries me leaving the staff wages overnight.

You know the address... Gewgaws Limited.

GEWGAWS LIMITED! You know the place.

Fancy leaving all that money there. Anybody could break in tonight...

Come on, number five!

Stay there, my beauty, stay there.

One never knows...

Somebody may have been listening. We'll give them till midnight.

-Where are those guns?

-Guns?

Yes. It's essential we're armed.

-Here's yours.

-Is it loaded?

Yes. It's a present from Margate. It fires a stick of rock.

The safe's in the office over there.

You go behind that bench and surprise anyone making for the safe.

I'll go over here, to prevent any escape.

Ready?

CLUNKING

-What's that?

-Cramp!

-What?

-Pins and needles!

MUSIC BOX PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

QUICK SNIPPET OF MUSIC

Reach for it!

DOG BARKS OUTSIDE

Don't shoot, guv. Please don't be hard on me.

I've got a wife and six kids.

I never done nothing like this before...

Is that true?

Yes, guv. I'm on the level. I've been honest all me life.

It was just a temptation.

-This is your first crime?

-Yes, guv. I swear it.

I'll never go wrong no more.

-Suppose we offered you a job?

-I'll do it! Earn an honest penny.

Supposing it wasn't exactly an honest penny?

Careful, now. We don't want anyone who's going straight.

-Anyway, we need someone far bigger.

-Such as me?

-BOTH:

-Who are you?

-Take those things away.

I'm not hungry. Name of Lackery Wood.

Otherwise known as Sawdust Steve, The Wandsworth Boy.

Two convictions for housebreaking, one for larceny of the person,

total 18 months only in ten years' work.

Some cuttings, if you'd like to see 'em.

How long have you been here?

Just long enough to hide when I heard you come in. What's the job?

-Useful. Are you alone?

-Always work single-handed.

Sensible. Very sensible. Just the same meself.

Kept on me Jack Jones ever since Nobby Curtis

got me done for that job at Bellamy's.

-Bellamy's in Bromley?

-That's right. Last June.

I was casing that joint the night you got pinched!

-Whadya know! I'm Shorty Fisher.

-Nice to meet you.

-Excuse me...

I may be slow, but do I understand you're BOTH professional criminals?

-What else do you take us for?

-What's the set-up?

We require a team, Pendlebury,

and if these gentlemen insist on working alone...

Now wait a minute.

You make it worth our while, cock, we'll work with anybody.

Well, in that case, if you'll join us in the office,

my friend will outline what we have in mind.

I must apologise, gentlemen, for the informal introduction.

But my colleague and I have a certain proposition...

I might almost call it a gilt-edged proposition.

Although, paradoxically, it does entail a measure of risk.

However, when I quote the anticipated dividend,

I'm sure you'll both agree...

-CLUNK

-Not another one, surely!

Tell him we're suited.

Everything all right here, sir?

Yes, thank you, officer. My partner and I are stock-taking.

Only I saw the window open.

-I'll close it. Thank you very much. Goodnight, Officer.

-Goodnight, sir.

And here's the order for tomorrow's consignment.

Somewhat larger than I expected - 212 bars.

That won't worry me, sir.

-Dependable till the last. I'll miss you, Holland.

-You're kind, sir.

I'll always have happy memories of the dear old bullion office.

Has Mr Abercrombie spoken to you about your holiday?

-Yes, sir, I'm going to Paris.

-You're stepping out, Holland.

Wonderful what a little extra money can do.

Yes. It's going to make a big difference to me.

Have a go on your own now.

That's it.

How are you getting on?

You must show some sense of proportion.

The seagull is bigger than the funnel!

Can't I do summat else, guv? Sell matches or bootlaces?

No. Mr Holland specified a pavement artist,

a pavement artist it's got to be.

-Try again. It's coming slowly.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

You're teaching the wrong man.

I had to change them over. Shorty can't ride a bicycle.

CRASH

-He can't, either.

-We're learning him.

-Why couldn't you learn Shorty?

-Because Wood is colour-blind.

What's that got to do with it?

My dear Holland, do use your intelligence.

If a policeman were to come along and see

-a green sunset over a purple sea...

-All right, all right.

-Is everything else fixed?

-Yes. Come along, boys.

Mr Fisher will be sitting here.

The van will stop here at 4.30.

You, Pendlebury, will detain the guard for at least 30 seconds.

-Ask him for a light...anything, but keep him there.

-Edgar.

I beg your pardon?

Isn't one supposed to say that when one's being briefed?

-On my rare visits to the cinema...

-The word is "Roger".

-Ohhh, Roger.

-To continue...

As soon as we've captured the van,

-you two will proceed to the warehouse.

-A bit risky, that,

-after the guards seeing him?

-It's a risk we must take.

We need everyone. We've more than 200 bars to move,

and I must have my alibi.

You'll gag me, bind me, tear my clothes...

-We can't waste one second.

-OK, you're the boss.

-Yes.

Yes, that's right. I am.

211...212.

Mr Richards, your deposit will be returned in the usual way,

as soon as the gold enters the bank.

You're both...

Oi!

Oi!

-No, you don't!

-Don't what?

-I saw you pinch it.

Good gracious! Whatever must you think of me?

I think you pinched my Monarch of the Glen last week, that's what I think.

-No, no. Pinch a Landseer, me?

-You'd better come quiet.

-No, no, I can explain.

-Charlie, get on the blower. Nine, nine, nine.

-No, no, no.

-Come along with me.

He's picked a wrong 'un, this time.

No, no, no! It's all a ghastly mistake, officer.

I'm completely innocent.

-Did you see that car?

-Yes, sir. A police car.

Nothing to be afraid of.

I'm sure it's the same car that followed us the other day.

-You want me to look around the corner?

-Yes.

CROWD CHATTERS

You're mistaken.

You've got a flat tyre there, mate.

Help! Help!

GUNSHOT

Help! Police!

-The van! They've pinched the van!

-What's this?

Hey! Stop, thief!

Stop, thief.

Hello, M2TW from 14.

Urgent me... Urgent message begins.

Maroon-coloured van, LKL238

containing bullion value £1,000,000.

Believed stolen in the vicinity of Queen Victoria Street.

Hello, all cars from M2GW. Message number 48 begins.

Maroon-coloured van, LKL638,

containing bullion, value £1,000,000.

Stolen from the vicinity of Queen Victoria Street.

-Gawd, what a weight.

-The others will be here soon.

TYRES SCREECH

Oi! Shorty! They've got Mr Pendlebury.

-Who has?

-The cops, of course.

-I saw a crowd. There's two cops holding him.

-Will he grass?

Will he squeal? Will he split?

-No.

-Then it don't matter. We can deliver the stuff as arranged.

Right. We don't need him. Come on.

Sgt Wilson, you search the east end of the street.

Sgt Cripps, you take the west end.

Rose, you'd better come with me, I think

we'll have a look at those warehouses.

That's all right. Leave the rest.

-Blimey, guvnor, why?!

-My alibi.

-There's 75,000 quid in there.

-I said leave it.

A ruddy waste!

There's many a starving bloke be glad of that lot.

-Come on, now. Fix me up.

-No... Behind you.

-Left-hand pocket.

-Stand still.

SNAP

What's that?

You turn. It's easier.

All right... OK.

Hey! Look!

Hey...

Come on... Scram!

Wait, wait! Mess me up.

Mr Fisher... Mr Wood... Mess me up! It's essential!

Hey...? Wait! Wait! You can't leave me like this.

Wait! Wait!

Help!

Help!

Can you see from down there?

Help!

Inspector Talbot! Sir!

MUFFLED GROANS

Fight going on over there!

It was purely an oversight, officer. I had something on my mind.

Three pictures in a week stolen!

You can't accuse him of taking those others too.

I should think not! I'm no thief.

My character's an open book.

Well?

Well, you might as well know I was lying. I AM a thief.

It was madness to attempt it.

We weren't cut out for crime, either of us.

-We?

-My partner and I.

-Partner...? Working with a fence...

-Shhh. Carry on.

I make no excuses.

All my life I've wanted to surround myself with beautiful things.

Suddenly faced with this golden opportunity...

'Ere, you call my picture rare and beautiful?

Since you will keep on interrupting me,

you ought to know it's a charming example of an early Rochet,

while he was influenced by Corot.

-How much is it worth?

-Ten pounds, to those who can afford it.

Blimey...! I've got it marked up for five bob.

-What about this charge?

-Let him go.

I've got to get back before they sell that picture.

Your lucky day, it seems.

All right, case dismissed.

Off you go.

Yes... About five minutes ago. Yes, sir. We've got him all right.

He's giving us a statement. Yes, he's told us a lot already.

Go on. Hop it.

Yes. You can depend on that, sir.

We'll get all we can out of him.

I see... Yes, he stood it pretty well.

We'll look after him. We're fixing him up with dry clothes now.

I agree, sir. We're up against some very tough customers.

'Ere, what are you doing?

-They'll have to put a new floor in.

-He'll be able to afford it.

-Save your breath, get on with the job.

-You make me sick.

-What's happening?

-Here, I thought you was pinched.

No, it's Holland they've got.

-Holland?

-He's in the police station, under arrest.

-You sure of that?

Of course I'm sure!

He was dripping wet, there were two policemen holding him.

They must have seen everything. We gotta blow!

Wait a minute! Can they connect you with him?

-I don't know. We live in the same house but...

-What?

The map showing the warehouse! Holland took it home with him.

-Now we ARE done for.

-No, we're not. You finish the job.

-Come on.

-Where to?

Your place...if they ain't searched his room yet.

Too late. Helmet's in the hall.

-You go in. Might be someone I know.

-But they're there already.

They maybe haven't found it yet. Go on. Get weaving.

You must have some suspicion.

Who works the heist rackets in this territory?

-Pardon, lady?

-I can't be much plainer.

Which hoodlums around here specialise in toby jobs?

-Holland!

-Pendlebury!

Determination, pluck and fortitude worthy of the highest praise.

Come along now. We mustn't keep them waiting.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Star, News or Standard!

Now!

-Pretty, isn't it, eh?

-I could watch it all night.

It's thruppence an ounce up again today.

"Gold is the sovereign of all sovereigns." Proverb.

Holland... Holland...

These crates are filled with the lead towers.

Mustn't be touched.

This "R" stands for reserve stock.

These crates will remain in our Paris warehouse.

I've sent instructions to the lady there - she's never to

use anything from a crate marked "R".

-So these are the ones I work on.

-Exactly.

-Get rid of the contents and refill with...

-How long will it take?

-Oh, about two weeks here...

-A week in Paris to find our market,

then three months back here,

that will take us to the end of the year.

An excellent time for me to retire.

-You're not going back to the bank?!

-Certainly, I am.

It would look suspicious if I gave up my job immediately.

"Patience is a virtue..." Shakespeare.

Our first-born.

Oh, yes, that's the man you describe in your statement

as having a snake tattooed on his wrist.

Yes, and I should mention that one had a distinct foreign accent.

Come on, China. Get weaving!

RADIO ANNOUNCER: 'Helping Scotland Yard in the hunt for the criminals

'is the bank clerk hero, plucky little Holland.

'There is no doubt this robbery is the work of a mastermind.'

'The police are leaving no stone unturned in their nationwide search.

'Every clue is being investigated,

'however small and unimportant it may appear on the surface.

'The Yard are confident of ultimate success,

'because anyone who traffics in stolen gold

'will find it's too hot to handle.

'Scientific research reinforces the man on the beat.

'All the big guns are on the side of the law.

'Link by link, a chain of cast-iron evidence is forged.

'Men who might be able to help the police with their enquiries

'are being sought in all likely hideouts.

'It is expected a charge will be made within 24 hours.

'Meanwhile, the Yard chiefs continue

'to work in calm and imperturbable harmony.

'A spirit of complete confidence prevails.'

The gold has NOT left the country.

I hope you're right. If it has,

we'll never see one grain of it again.

The ports are being watched thoroughly,

we're counting the matchsticks.

-Souvenir models - Eiffel Tower in lead.

-OK. As usual.

In view of rising public anxiety,

can he assure the House that this gold is not lost to the nation?

Yes, sir, I think I may give that assurance.

Measures have been taken which render it impossible

for any substantial quantity of gold to be removed from this country.

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

-Ca va?

-C'est bon.

# This time tomorrow, where shall I be?

# Not in this old found-er-y. #

Now it's all over, I may dare say it's been a most remarkable coup.

Biggest job of its kind since One-Eyed Dobson

got away with the GIs' pay packets. Got away with 2 million.

That was before devaluation.

This is one million POUNDS.

Right! Blimey! We got the record.

Is that you, Lackery?

-What's the matter?

-Trouble.

Nothing serious, I hope.

-I can't go.

-Why not?

-The missus won't let me.

Can't you say it's in connection with an important business deal?

She won't wear it.

Birmingham, Glasgow or Manchester, Bob's your bloomin' uncle.

-Paris is out!

-You know we can't pay you till we get to Paris.

I'll settle for six of these. I know a safe fence.

-Out of the question!

-Are you mad?

-Leaving vital evidence here?!

If anything went wrong, the police would be onto us in no time.

No, you can't ask a thing like that, mate.

-I'm sorry, guv. I wasn't thinking. I'm a little upset.

-Here!

Tell you what. I didn't like to say,

-but I don't really fancy going to Paris meself.

-Why?

A friend of mine's got a couple of tickets for the test match.

I'd like to see that.

You're both coming back here once you've flogged the stuff, ain't ya?

OK. Just smuggle our money over inside your socks.

-I'll lend you a false bottom bag.

-You mean you both trust us?

Oh, come off it, guv. You're as straight a pair of gentlemen

-as I ever worked for.

-Hear, hear.

-Well, that seems an excellent solution.

-Thank you, boys.

Just let me nail this down... I've got a little surprise for you.

# For auld lang syne, my dear, For auld lang syne...

# We'll take a cup of kindness yet

# For the sake of auld lang syne. #

LAUGHTER

THEY GIGGLE

Work it up to me.

Shhh.

You naughty men. Waking us all up at this hour.

A thousand pardons.

Wipe your feet.

-A little celebration.

-Already?

Your holidays don't start till tomorrow.

Today IS tomorrow.

"Oh, polished perturbation!

-Shh!

-"Golden care! That keep'st the ports of slumber open wide".

Henry IV, Part II.

Goodnight, you naughty men. Don't forget to switch off.

Goodnight, Miss Evesham.

-Pendlebury?

-Yes?

THEY GIGGLE

-Pendlebury.

-What?

May I call you Alfred?

Alfred?

Call me Al. And I'll call you...

Henry, isn't it?

-A name I never cared for.

-No?

-Call me Dutch.

-Dutch!

Yes.

Goodnight, Dutch.

Night-night, Al.

Ah! Gay, sprightly land of mirth and social ease.

Holland, the world is ours.

SCHOOLGIRLS CHATTER

Un souvenir de Paris avant de partir, no?

-Ah, madame...

-Bonjour, Mr Pendlebury.

-My friend, Mr Holland.

-Monsieur.

-How do you do?

-Enchante.

How did that get here?

I told you never to use a crate marked "R".

But that is not an "aah".

It is an "air".

-It's an R in English!

-How many have you sold from that case?

Six - to the little English girls.

Don't sell any more! I'll be back.

Stop! Stop! Wait!

Come on.

Wait! Wait!

Wait, Dutch, wait! What do we care? We've still got all the others.

We mustn't let them get back to England. We'll be traced.

Who will know they're gold?

We can't take any chances.

SCHOOLGIRLS LAUGH

Dutch! Wait!

Dutch! Wait for me.

There's nothing to laugh at.

HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

SCHOOLGIRLS GIGGLE

Stop! Wait!

-Taxi!

-Hey!

Suivez, suivez!

Billets, s'il vous plait, messieurs. C'est defendu de passer par ici.

-Calais.

-Vous etes trop tard. C'est deja parti.

It's no good. Get the rest out of the warehouse and disappear

-with them.

-Disappear? With the police looking for us? To Calais.

-The warehouse.

-Calais!

Face the facts, man. You'll have to change your plan.

Rubbish! It's a perfect plan.

What's the French for "faster"?

-I'm not telling you.

-Do you want to be a hunted man all your life?

Good time in France? You all enjoy yourselves?

There they are!

-Vos billets, messieurs.

-No, no. Pas voyageurs!

Vous ne pouvez pas monter sans billets, messieurs.

-See some friends.

-Achetez vos billets, messieurs.

No, no. No point. Huh, tickets!

-Les billets...

-Alors, c'est par la, monsieur.

-Non... La. Les billets.

-Je vous en prie. C'est par la qu'il faut vous aller.

-Ohh...

-We'll never do it.

-We must! In here!

-Dover.

-Deux, deux. Oui.

Vite, s'il vous plait.

SHIP HORN TOOTS

MAN SHOUTS IN FRENCH

-Passeports, monsieur.

-The tickets.

-No... Passport. Argh!

-Passports!

-What?

-Passports!

Thank you.

-Al...

-I thought I had it.

Got it!

Vite, vite! S'il vous plait.

Depechez. Je vous en prie!

-Voila.

-Merci.

-Got it?

-Oh, Pendlebury...!

-I'm sorry I couldn't find it.

La douane, s'il vous plait.

-Hey!

-We've bought nothing. Absolutely nothing.

-Des cigarettes?

-No, no.

-Tissues?

-No.

-Eh, bijoux?

-No, no.

-Cognac?

-No, no.

-No!

Ouvrez.

-No!

-Here, open...

-It's pyjamas.

-SHIP'S HORN

-Oh-oh...

-Hey!

-L'argent.

-Oh, sadist torturers!

-No foreign currency? How much?

-There! Count it!

Goodbye! Goodbye!

DOORBELL RINGS

-Yes?

-I'd like to see Mr Holland.

-Mr Holland's in Paris.

-Paris?

-He's on holiday.

-Have you his address?

-No, I'm sorry.

He didn't know where he'd be staying.

-I see. All right. Thank you.

-Pleased to be of help.

Why, Mr Holland! What IS the meaning of this?

Transport strike in Paris. Made things too difficult.

And Mr Pendlebury?

He's flying back tomorrow. He had some business to see to.

-You have dined, I hope?

-Afraid not.

Good evening.

-Good evening, Inspector.

-Bad luck about your holiday.

-Yes.

You should have told us you were going abroad, you know.

You're our most important witness.

I'm so sorry. Anything I can do?

Four vans were seen near the warehouse

at the time of the robbery.

It's just possible you may have glimpsed one.

A blue van with "Loveday and Bone" on the side?

It all happened so quickly. It never gave me a chance.

Something might register.

-A white van, the Blackheath Spotless Laundry?

-No, sorry.

Another blue one. The Springsong Mattress Company?

No, as I told you...

Or a green van, "Gewgaws Limited"? Does that ring a bell?

It was definitely none of them.

You can't be sure if you didn't see it, can you?

-Silly of me.

-All right, Mr Holland.

-You'll be available if we want you again? Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

John, how lovely to see you.

Dutch! Nice of you to come and meet me.

-I took the crates to the warehouse and...

-You're looking well.

(Say nothing. Just smile.)

-What?

-Nothing like a change, I say.

-(Smile now. The police may be watching.)

-The police?

They suspect your van was involved.

Ooh, I told you it was madness to come back!

Good thing we did. This makes it

all the more important we get hold of those towers.

I was a fool to let you persuade me.

You're acting like a fool now. Suspicions aren't evidence,

and once we get those out of their reach...

We've got to get ourselves out of their reach!

-I'm going after those towers.

-I'm going back to Paris.

-Very well.

But remember, if I fail, you're for it too.

Did you trace those girls?

Yes. St Christopher's School, Hendon. Come on.

# Harrow may be more clever

# Rugby may make more row

# But we will row, row for ever,

# Steady from stroke to bow...

# And nothing in life shall sever

The chain that is round us now

# And nothing in life shall sever

# The chain that is round us now

# 20 years hence this weather

# Will tempt us from office stools

# We may be slow on the feather... #

Sit down, girls.

These gentlemen are from the firm that makes the Eiffel Tower models

that some of you bought in Paris.

It appears that you were sold by mistake a new experimental type,

which they are anxious to have back.

They will exchange them for others equally good. Also -

and I consider this most generous -

they will give ten shillings to each girl who helps them.

EXCITED MURMURS

There we are. One for you. And there's yours.

Thank you. Very good.

One, two, three, four, five...

Only five. Who bought the sixth one?

Who bought the sixth?

June Edwards bought one.

You have one too, do you, dear? Where is it, June? In here?

Ah, here it is. June, dear,

wouldn't you like to have ten shillings

and another one just as nice?

Come, think of the sweets you could buy with this.

There we are. Just as pretty, eh?

June, look at them together and you'll see.

There's no difference, is there?

Tell us, what's the difference?

That one's mine.

Well, I'm sorry. I can't force the child. Does it really matter?

-Indeed! Were it to fall into the hands of...

-A business rival.

-Yes.

-But that won't happen.

Well, we've kept you too long as it is. Thank you very much.

But, but...

It's interesting.

I bought a pyramid in Cairo during the war. Was that made here?

-Expect so. We send stuff all over.

-Just finished, sir.

You don't keep a record of where the van goes?

No. Anyone takes the bloomin' thing when they feel like it.

Away for a week just recently, it was.

You've no recollection of that particular afternoon?

Well, I've an idea it was the boss, Mr Pendlebury.

-Mr Pendlebury.

-I'm not sure. I can't ask him. He's away - in Paris.

In Paris? Oh, well. Thanks. All right.

-But, Dutch! Robbing a child!

-It'll simply be a swap.

If only you had let me talk to that woman.

She was getting suspicious as it was.

Look.

Isn't George here today?

I'm taking his place today. Your boyfriend's on duty in there.

Exhibition straight ahead, sir.

Straight ahead for the exhibition, sir.

OVER PA SYSTEM: 'On the steering wheel of a car stolen last night in Piccadilly

' and abandoned two hours later near Croydon.

'In the West Gallery,

'you will find a display from the Criminal Records Office

'containing the dossier,

'for example, of a man now serving a sentence for housebreaking.

'It contains all his known aliases and nicknames,

'and those of his relatives and friends.'

'Next door, a finger-print expert is ready to take the prints...'

-Hello.

-Hello.

Where have you been?

I've been to Paris, and I brought this back for you.

I say, that is nice. What a beautiful present.

It's a paperweight. Put it on those papers.

-Thank you very much indeed. Cheerio.

-Goodbye.

-Now what do we do?

-Tell him the same story.

-Excuse me.

-One moment, sir.

OVER PA SYSTEM: 'The next item is a demonstration of

'police scientists working on the recent big gold robbery.

'The ID officers have taken samples of dust from four different vans...'

Take your fingerprints, sir?

OVER PA SYSTEM: 'We are testing those samples for gold content.'

-You had the van repaired?

-Yes. Completely new floor.

OVER PA SYSTEM: 'The dust is being placed in nitric acid,

'which will dissolve any metal, except gold.'

That's funny. I've just been at the factory where they make these.

Pretty, isn't it? My little girlfriend brought it from Paris.

Paris.

Try this!

-Let's get out of here.

-No! The evidence!

-Run!

-Stop those men!

POLICE WHISTLES PEEP

Stop those men!

Stop that woman!

-There they are!

-Stop that woman!

Stop 'em, Charlie!

Stop him, Charlie!

WHISTLES CONTINUE

-Stop them!

-Stop the men!

Which way did they go?

OVER PA SYSTEM: 'Attention, everyone, please.

'Two dangerous men are at large in this building.

'Please keep the gangways clear. Keep calm and avoid crowding.

'Don't panic.

'Attention, everyone.

'The men are now believed to be in the East Gallery.'

Cut them off that way!

'Help the police by leaving the gangways clear. Keep calm.

'Avoid crowding. Don't panic.

'The public can assist the police

'by keeping the gangways clear.

'Now keep calm, do not panic.

'Keep calm. Avoid crowding.

'Don't panic. Don't panic!'

HUBBUB INSIDE

I-I can't drive.

Hello. M2GW from HPC. Urgent message begins.

'Vicinity - police college. Two men wanted for questionning'

in connection with theft of bullion.

Hello, all cars, from M2GW.

'Two men wanted in connection with bullion theft.'

'Last seen escaping from police college on foot,

'but may have stolen car.'

Let's put them on a false scent. What's our number? It must be U3.

TYRES SCREECH

-Put them onto that one.

-Hello... MG2W from U3.

Men answering your description

reported to have stolen grey Vauxhall DLH436. Over.

Hello U3. Message received. Over.

'Hello, all cars, from M2GW...'

-Must be somewhere ahead.

-Why isn't U3 chasing them?

There they are!

Yes, it was a police car all right.

But the driver was wearing a top hat.

No, it was a top hat.

Peculiar individual wearing top hat seen driving car JYN888, sir.

That's U4's number.

They must have stolen that.

'Hello, M2GW, from U4.

'Have apprehended two men in clerical attire.'

Switch it off. That proves it. They're giving us false description.

-Call to all cars. U4's been stolen.

-Hello, all cars, from M2GW.

'Men wanted in connection of theft of stolen police car U4.

'The number of this car is JYN 888. Over.'

You said this car was U3.

-That's right. They've gotten mixed up.

-They're on to us!

-Where?

Step on it.

TMG 928. That's not the one, then.

They've turned off. Hello, M2GW from U3...

Am in pursuit of stolen police car, west along Portobello Road. Over.

Let them sort that one out.

Hello, U3, from M2GW. Message received. Over.

Tell U5 and U6 to cut them off at Junction Road.

Hello, U5...

'Stolen police car proceeding west along Portobello Road.

'Intercept at Junction Road. Over.'

'Hello, U6. Stolen police car on Portobello Road.

'Intercept at Junction Road. Over.'

Am proceeding east to Junction Road.

Am proceeding west to Junction Road.

Bring in everything we've got.

Proceeding north to Junction Road.

Proceeding south to Junction Road.

CAR RADIO: # Old Macdonald had a farm, ee-ey-ee-ey-oh...

# With a quack-quack here, a quack-quack there...

SONG CONTINUES OVER POLICE FREQUENCY

# Old Macdonald had a farm, ee-ey-ee-ey-oh

# And on this farm he had some sheep, ee-ey-ee-ey-oh

# With a baa-baa here, a baa-baa there...

# Old Macdonald had a farm, ee-ey-ee-ey-oh. #

Would you mind giving me a lift to the police box, sir?

-They're flashing for me.

-Of course.

HE JOINS IN: # Old Macdonald had a farm, ee-ey-ee-ey-oh

# And on that farm he had some pigs... #

Nice to have a bit of music when you're driving, sir, isn't it?

HE MIMICS PIG SNORTING

# With a honk-honk here, a honk-honk there...

# Old Macdonald had a farm, ee-ey-ee-ey-oh... #

We sing that in our choir, down at the station. Thank you, sir.

'All cars from M2GW...'

-'Stolen police car...'

-Drive on!

Quick, Al - out!

Dutch, Dutch!

Run, Dutch, run!

POLICE WHISTLE

Stop! Stop him!

Instead of changing as usual at Charing Cross,

I came straight on to Rio de Janeiro.

"Gay, sprightly land of mirth and social ease." Pendlebury.

Plus six Eiffel Towers. How much did they fetch?

£25,000. Enough to keep me for a year in the style

to which I was, uh, unaccustomed.

Hello there. By Jove, that was a party you gave the other evening.

Wish we'd give a few like it at the Embassy, what?

Your Excellency is very kind.

Done a lot for our prestige here. Worth a battleship. Jolly good show.

-Ready?

-Ready.