Pantocracy

Introducing Blackbeard as Dad... Mum is Mother Goose...

and their kids - Princess Belle and Idle Jack...

not forgetting Granny...

..in Pantocracy!

So, you know how everyone you know has a role or thing,

so you'll have your super-organised friend, or a cousin who's always complaining?

My thing is telling people what to do. Dad's thing is being an angry pirate

and Gran's thing is being a clumsy fairy godmother. But what if you didn't like your thing?

Had a proper think about it and decided your thing wasn't a good thing to have and was

just a thing that other people had given you, like an old tissue?

That your thing was actually a massive sad face made of sadness?

Like, totally unfair.

Well, things really heated up for my family when it turned out

we were going to be receiving a very special guest.

If you could make a cake, that would be lovely.

Something without meat in it this time.

Does chicken count as meat?

Yes. A fruit cake or something.

Is trout a fruit?

I'll do it myself.

Darling, if you could give the front door a new lick of paint?

I don't think the skull and crossbones gives the right impression for a royal visit.

What's wrong with a skull? It's the flag of my people, that is.

People died for that flag.

I mean, they died cos we killed them, but they were deaths.

Just do it.

OMG, Mum, it's only Prince Charming. No-one even fancies him since he got divorced from Cinderella.

Don't you talk like that, young lady,

You need to make a good impression. You should write a speech!

That'll be a lovely way to welcome him.

I refuse - REFUSE -

to write a speech for someone who has actual buttons on their shoes.

I could do it.

A little support round here would be nice.

-I'll write the speech.

-I can't be bothered, Mum.

I said I could do it.

Nice one, Jack.

Why couldn't I do it?

I'd write something that's pure nice and really smart and that.

I think it's pretty cool that we're getting a real prince in the house.

Don't be daft, Jack. That's not the kind of thing you do.

You should draw the Prince a picture

and I could pretend to give it to him.

-I really think I could do it.

-You don't need to. You're Jack!

He'll love you because you're cuddly and funny. Now, shut up!

Fine, I won't even talk to Prince What's-his-face.

It's "Charming". Now, we all know what jobs we have to do.

We want to make this the best visit he's ever made.

Don't worry, love. We'll do you proud.

I don't have a job yet. I could do something.

I know, I could show him my collection of tea towels.

Chill out, Jack, you're not the one who has a chore list as long as Rapunzel's scratty hair.

Stop whining, Belle. It's your duty as a princess.

Now, we all know what jobs we have to do.

Bloomers! I need to get myself some lovely new bloomers.

Ugh!

# Oh, four and 20 and a boat... piddle-liddle-liddle-eh!

# Two giraffes and a drunken stoat...

-Hey, Dad.

-Oh, you gave me a fright, son. You all right?

Have you sat on your hamster again? Because I don't know how many more times the little fella can take it.

Nah, it's not that. I've just got some questions.

Oh, right. OK. Well...

when a man and a woman love each other very much,

they go find a mermaid...

Dad, stop. Not those kind of questions!

Thor be praised!

It's all this Prince Charming stuff.

I'm just...I feel a bit left out.

-Left out?

-Yeah. Everyone's got something to do except me.

It wouldn't even matter if I wasn't there.

I just want to be part of it.

Son, stop right now. You'll make yourself miserable

trying to be something you're not.

Just accept who you are. That, my son, is what happiness is.

Really? It seems a bit unfair.

Trust me, son. No good ever came from thinking.

Mm.

Hey, loser, have you seen my glass slippers anywhere?

I suppose I ought to wear them for Princey Boy.

Why do you always call me loser? Is that what you really think of me?

What? Don't be an idiot. You're my brother.

It's my job to call you a loser.

And anyway, you can take it - you're a loser!

I don't know. It never used to bother me,

but just with all this stuff going on...

What stuff? Princey Pants?

You see, you're not even excited about it,

but you get to do loads of stuff for it.

-You can do stuff for it.

-I can't. Everyone thinks I'm useless.

Jack. Are you, like, seriously, properly sad?

I've never seen you like this before. It's weird.

Kinda just...

I just don't feel like I'm treated the same as everyone else.

I feel like I'm the pet dog and you expect me to do a wee on the carpet at any moment.

OK. In that case, I've got some advice for you,

which I got from Snow White's book - Livin' With The Little Guys.

You have to believe in yourself

before other people will believe in you.

She was actually talking about ghosts, but I think it still stands. Do you know what I mean?

I think so. Yeah, I just don't know how to go about it.

It's simple. They won't let you do anything because they don't trust you.

You've never helped before.

So, start by doing things and showing them they can trust you.

Toot-toot-toot-toot!

PARP!

I'm the one who replaces the flowers in this house, not him.

Do I laze about all day watching cartoons?

No! They were lovely carnations, as well.

What is Jack up to?

Where is this coming from? It's unsettling.

He nicked my skooshy cream!

I can't deal with his nonsense right now.

Which is why I've decided he can't be there to meet the Prince.

What?! I can't believe just cos you're a little bit annoyed

you're not going to let him meet the Prince.

You're not going to let me meet the Prince? Oh, come on!

-You'll just get in the way, Jack.

-You're a loose cannon. Too risky.

Jack, I'm so sorry. They're being so stupid.

You're getting above yourself.

Why can't you just be happy being Idle Jack?

OK. But at least let me meet him.

Fine. Fine, you can meet Prince Charming.

Just to say, "hi", but don't do anything at all.

-OK.

-In fact, that goes for all of yous.

Well, if he's going to meet him, he should come to the rehearsal.

I believe our princess has finally agreed to write a speech.

Did you put the fee in my account yet?

The next £100 will be in tomorrow.

PARP!

Right. Let's have a wee practice of and what to do

and how to behave when the Prince comes.

-Now, Mother, you pretend to be the Prince.

-Splendid.

I'll greet you at the door, and curtsey,

and maybe sing a little song about dreams, or lambs or something,

and then, Belle - you give your speech.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

I would like to take this opportunity to offer a warm welcome

to his Royal Highness, the Prince Charming.

It is a great honour to have you in our humble home

and I hope we can offer you a slice of warm family life today.

We like to think that we're a proper, loving and caring family.

It's really great that even someone with buttons on their shoes,

is able to see the possibility in simple things.

And I know that, even though you are a prince,

you take pride in seeing beyond appearances,

even though it didn't work out with you and Cinderella.

My brother Jack is going through a bit of a tough time right now.

-And he'd like to say something.

-No, no, no...

Sorry, Mum. It's a deal-breaker. Either Jack talks or I walk.

On you go, Jack.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Hi there, Mr Prince...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Sir.

My name's Jack and I know that people feel it's OK to write me off

as an idiot, I get that.

But...what I need to know from you is,

where do I find the strength?

The strength to keep dulling down my ambitions? You know?

Maybe kill a few dreams and accept failure's a total certainty.

Cos that's what you're all telling me to do.

In all honestly I'd rather face the biggest giant,

than live my life like that.

So, Gran, please tell me,

where do I find the courage to meet your low expectations, eh?

Mum? Dad?

I just wanted to be treated the same as everyone else.

I know I'm lazy sometimes,

but it doesn't mean I'm worth less than any of you.

And I want a bike with a monkey on...

You'll get more pocket money, son

That's quite enough empowerment for one day.

-What about the monkey on the bike?

-We'll talk about that later.

So, that was it.

Princey Boy came and was, like, I knew he'd be,

Boredom Central.

He kept going on about Jack's fighting spirit

and strong, youthful arms, which made Mum a bit miserable,

and slightly confused.

And we let Jack do the speech. It was, like, terrible.

But he did it, and the Prince really loved his tea towel collection.

Like, a weird amount.

And from that day on, we lived a little bit more equally ever after.

Tell you what, living in a house with my family,

these creatures can be a right to-do and a hoo-hah.

You need rules. Well, a necessary evil,

but who makes the rules, hmm?

-Feet!

-What are them?

-They're slippers.

JACK CLEARS HIS THROAT

-POSH VOICE:

-All right, Mater. All right, Pater.

What are you watching?

-What are you after?

-What do you mean?

You haven't called me "Mater" since you were about eight.

You haven't called me "Pater" since you burned my Susan Boyle tickets.

-Remember?

-You've no really let me forget...

Have you done something to your beard, Dad?

-No.

-Are you sure?

Might have had it straightened. One-Eyed Phil's got GHDs.

Other ceramic hair straighteners are available.

It's not the point. You want something.

-Well, I was wondering...

-Yes?

-I'd pay for it myself...

-Yes?

-Calum and Robbie and Omar have all got one...

-SPILL IT!!!

A tattoo.

I knew this day would come.

Nooooooo!

-Why not?

-Oh, what's the reason again, Mother? It's on the tip...

Because I said so!

What? So, that's it? No discussion? No debate? Just, "no"?

Debate, you say? All right, present your case!

Right.

I'd like a tattoo because...

..because Calum and Robbie and Omar have all got one.

That it?

All right.

Noooooooo!

-Mum?!

-Sorry, sweetie. I'm with your dad on this one.

Well, at least let me Facebook the crew,

tell them my parents are pure dictators.

Uh-uh-uh! That's enough internet.

What are you talking about?

New house rule. One hour a day.

-Since when?

-Since I just decided. I did say, "new", didn't I?

-Mum?

-Sorry, son, I'm with your dad on this one, too.

So, not only can I not get a tat, but I can't even tell my pals?!

Just tell them tomorrow. With your mouth and your face.

What am I? Amish?

I hate this house!

Tried knocking?

-Dad's rationed the internet!

-What?

Hang on, I thought you were going out tonight?

Dad said I wasn't allowed.

"No midweek nights out any more, arrrrr".

What do you mean he's rationed the internet?

One hour a day, he's suddenly decided!

Well, you know what, bro? He can't stop the internet.

No-one can stop the internet.

-Tried knocking?

-My house, my doors.

Just to let you know, that's me stopped the internet.

-And how did you manage that?

-I switched off that router thingy.

Oh, and er...do us a favour.

Lose the make-up, love. It's like Madame Tussauds in here.

Ooh! Ow!

Ugh! Every time! Right, what's up with the internet?

I just lost Breaking Bad.

We need to have a word, Gran.

Oi-oi. You lot look thick as thieves.

There's scrambled eggs here if you want some.

Are you sure about that, Mother? Are you sure?

Or have you just given them all to Dad?

No, they're definitely there.

Right. What's all this about?

The children and I have been having a discussion that they feel

you've been a bit strict-y digestives with them recently.

Right. And what do you think?

Well, I have to say I'm inclined to agree.

Five squares of toilet paper per visit? Really?!

-And what business is it of yours?

-Blackbeard!

What do you mean, "What business be it of mine?" I'm their granny!

I have granny's rights!

No, you don't. You don't have any rights. You just live here.

Rent-free, I might add. It's not you that pays the mortgage.

Neither do you! You told us you plundered this house

from the previous owners!

No, you spawn-faced macaroon! I just done that for show!

I paid the Mazzolinis the full asking price.

Which is why I gets to set the rules.

Erm, aren't you forgetting someone?

Actually, I'm with him on this one.

Well, I know you don't think I have rights, but I do live here,

as does him and her.

-Yeah. And we want to change the house rules.

-Yeah.

All right, then! Let me just fetch the book of house rules.

Now, where did I leave them? Where did I...where did I...where did I...

Oh, that's right, they don't exist!

Well, then, we want to write a set of house rules.

Yeah? Well, I don't want to. And what I say, goes. End of.

Well, we want a vote. End of.

I suppose I can't argue with that.

Fair's fair. We should make it legal, though, eh?

Pirate's promise!

BLACKBEARD SPITS

There you go, my hearties. Lovely. Right, that's all above board, then.

Right. So, here's how it's going to work, right?

You get to vote, you get to vote.

As the householders, your mother and I will get ten votes each.

Now obviously, FG, it's different for you.

You're an elderly stateswoman, a figure of respect.

You've met minor royalty. So you get...

two votes. So let's do this.

Motion - to write up a new set of house rules. Votes for?

And votes against?

There you are. 20 votes to four against.

Motion denied, me hearties! Ha-ha! Oh...

I've got something for you.

This power's totally gone to his head, man.

He's become, like, totes unbearable.

He always was totes unbearable. He's become totes impossible.

Of course, you know what the French did to their tyrannicalistic leader?

Was he a dinosaur?

Cut his head off.

You're not seriously suggesting we cut your father's head off?

No, of course not!

I dunno, maybe just like...

-a toe or something?

-Hmm.

It's not your father we need to focus on...

It's the dinosaur.

So, if you agree to support us,

Belle promises to do a full house Hoover on a bi-weekly basis,

and Jack promises to rub your feet on a tri-weekly basis.

And do you promise to stop rearranging the kitchen stuff?

-But it makes more sense to keep the herbs next to the...

-Gran!

Yes, fine! So, do you agree to vote with us?

I have waiting for an hour - an HOUR - for my hot chocolate

-with the marshy-mallows and the skooshy-whooshy cream.

-Oh...

Which one of yous is...

-What's going on here?

-We're writing up the new house rules.

-Eh? You lost the vote!

-We demand a recount!

Right, fine. Motion - to write up a new set of house rules. Votes for?

And votes against?

Well, actually, there's one more vote for. Well, ten, technically.

That don't count for nothing!

Pirate's promise?

ALL SPIT

HE GAGS

So, is the dress actually in the rule book?

Yes.

Where are the kids?

Have you not read your precious rules?

It's Anything Goes Thursday!

-It's a bit late for a weekday.

-Arr.

Hiya!

Ooh! You missed a bit there, Dad!

-What time do you call this?

-A great time!

Where's your brother?

Hi, guys! Bye, guys!

Stop right there, Jack! Show me your neck.

Other side.

-Oh!

-Right. You all had your fun with Dad,

and that's fair enough - he deserved it.

But this - this is a step too far.

Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

From now on, this house will be a democracy.

Everyone has a say. An equal say.

A proper vote. A secret vote.

With an independent observer, appointed by the UN.

Is everyone in agreement?

ALL: Yes.

Good.

I hope somebody wrote that down.

So, there you go. Sorted itself out in the end.

Although, who made Mother Goose Chief of Police?

And where was Muggins when this was discussed?

I'm going to write a very strongly worded letter to my MP.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, every time.

Decision day is here.

Hot topic - where shall we go on our holidays?

Lucky us, you might think? This should be a treat.

Well, not in our family, it's not.

The gloves are off, it's going to get messy.

Bring it on!

Settle down, everybody.

Right...you all know the rules.

There will be no waffling, no endless warbling

and no mud-slinging.

Everyone gets to put forward their ideal holiday

and I shall tot up the score. Everybody ready?

Aye-aye.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yes.

And remember, we will all show each other respect.

So, let's begin with last year's winner.

Hm! In fact, the winner for the past four years, Blackbeard.

Thank you, Ref.

Right, now, as reigning champion -

-and might I just add how proud and honoured that makes me feel...

-Get on with it!

-Sorry.

I would like to propose the very healthy, long-life

safari holiday dream destination.

ALL: Aww! Again!

FANFARE ON TAPE PLAYER

POP

Right, now, as everyone knows, safaris are good for you

and they helps you live longer!

SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

What did you just say?

-I said, "Pfff"!

-It is not "pfff". It's a true fact!

-Helps you live longer.

-It's not a true fact.

How can sitting in the back of a bumpy Jeep

watching a rhino's wobbly bum possibly help you live longer?

You leave rhinos out of this, young lady, I loves a rhino, me!

Mum? Jack? Hello? Am I the only one here with a brain?

We can't let him pull this "live longer safari" guff

for five years in a row!

Jack, for pity's sake - say something!

-Mince.

-Ha! See? Even Jack thinks it's ridiculous.

No, no, that's just what I fancy for my dinner tonight.

Mince. Lovely mince.

Arrrgh...that's it! I've had enough.

This is rubbish, you're talking complete rubbish, Dad.

You stupid... LOUD BLAST

Respect! No mud-slinging!

-Yellow card!

-Oh, come on, Ref!

It's five minutes in the doghouse for you, Belle.

-You know the rules.

-Yes, Gran.

'Ah, Belle, don't blow it now.

'Think of all that total work you've put in. All that research.

'You can do it, girl.'

Not the best of starts, people. Let's try again.

Right, now, where was I, before I was so rudely interrupted

by Princess Pie-Mouth over there?

-Respect!

-Sorry.

Right, like, as I was saying, safaris are good for you.

Everybody loves them and they help you live longer. Fact!

Wow! That is amazing! Fascinating!

The things you know, Dad. You're, like...inspirational!

'It's in the bag! Safari, here we come!

'Rhino-tastic! Five in a row!

-'Championee! Championee!'

-Tell us, please,

-where did you find out about this?

-Huh?

You know, the fact that safaris help you live longer?

-I don't know, I read it somewhere.

-Of course. Where?

-What?

-Where did you read it?

In a...in a magazine.

I don't suppose you recall the name of the magazine?

Well, I don't know, do I?

It was Seashells, or Plunder, or what's that other one...?

No, that's right, yeah. It was an old copy of Plunder

I read in the dentist just the other day.

Just the other day? But you've been telling us

about this safari health benefit thingy for four years now!

Did I say the other day?

I meant four years ago... the other day.

Well, I've just downloaded the last ten years of Plunder

and done an associated word search

for "health", "live long", "safari" and "rhino",

and I have come back with... diddly-squat! Nada, nothing.

My father lied to me.

All my young faith and idealism snuffed out in one tiny moment.

Goodbye, childhood. Hello, uncertain future.

Yellow card for Blackbeard, presenting opinion as fact.

Or as I like to call it, making stuff up. Next speaker.

Mother Goose, next up. She's been a little quiet, pre-season.

Not exactly what you'd call match fit.

-I heard that!

-Sorry!

You're on!

Well, I haven't given it much thought, really,

but I guess what I'd like

is some good old-fashioned sun, sea and sand.

A beach holiday! Like you see on the telly.

Oh, I can just picture it.

Hot sun, blue skies, azure waters lapping at the sand...

The smell of freshly applied suntan lotion on your skin,

glancing up as a family pass by.

Ooh! That lady looks a lot like Kerry Katona.

I wonder if they're staying in the same hotel as us?

Flip-flops on hot sand as you paddle to the water's edge...

THEY SNORE

The most important aspect of the humble beach towel is, for me,

the colourful patterns which adorn them.

Here are some of my favourites.

'Ooh! Show them that one you got in Majorca,

'the one with the cheeky donkey and the castanets!'

So, in a seashell - L-O-L - sun, sea, sand.

But like I said, I haven't thought about it much.

Well done, Mum. That was a whole four hours shorter than last year.

Really? Oh, I forgot the slide show!

Moving on! Jack.

Yes?

Well, it's your turn. Dream holiday?

Oh, yep. I'm on it.

HE MUMBLES THROUGH SNORKEL

I would like to swim with the fishes.

Is that it? I thought you'd been preparing.

I have been. I watched that Blue Planet.

Let me tell you, some of the fishes on that programme,

they'd blow your mind.

There's one, right, I like to call him the big, daft, disco fish.

He's amazing. Oh, and then I bought the snorkeler.

Is that all you have for us, Jack?

Well, it can't be some place too hot. I burn rather easily.

It has to have Wi-Fi. And, er...

'Banana bread.'

..and banana bread!

So, moving on, finally, to you, Belle.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

First of all, I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts,

opinions, useful facts. But most of all,

thank you for sharing your dreams. Now, this is my dream -

the Snow White Seven Mountain Ski Trip.

But after listening to all of your wants and needs,

I have decided that this holiday decision is too important

for only one of us to win.

Somehow, this is something that all of us have to win.

So, I'm going to risk going off-piste.

That's a winner for me, Belle. I love a bit of vino de plonko!

I'm going to dispense with my carefully prepared notes.

And, if I may, respond from my heart to the dreams I have heard today.

Oh, she is good.

Let's start with you, Mum, the sun worshiper.

That's me. Guilty as charged!

Well, think on this, Mum.

You're standing on top of one of the seven snowy mountains.

The sky is blue, the sun is beaming down

and reflecting off the pure white powder snow.

-Instant tan.

-Really?

-Really.

And what's more, all the celebs go skiing.

I'm talking the Beckhams,

I'm talking at least one Kardashian. Possibly two.

Sounds like heaven.

-Jack. You love the water.

-Do I?

You do. And what is snow but frozen water?

-Buzz! Point of order, point of order!

-Oh, be quiet. Whisht!

It's all right, Gran - let him speak.

Water is nothing like snow.

It's a blatant lie. Water falls down from the sky, but snow...

-Oh, kippers.

-If I may continue.

-Also, Jack, while skiing, the wearing of goggles is compulsory.

-Really?!

Totes.

But what about the fishes?

Well, how about this? We'll stay in a village

which is only a cable car ride away from...an aquarium!

Oh! Does it have the big daft disco fish?

There's only one way to find out!

Ooh! Please, please, please.

Which just leaves you, Dad.

Give it your best shot.

The pirate. Standing strong on the high seas.

Peril and danger, your constant companions.

Your heart pounding, the blood rushing. And just like when

that Jeep bounced over the savanna, following that enchanting rhino,

you've never felt more alive than now,

as you hurtle down the mountainside on your skis faster and faster

towards an almost certain catastrophe...

Yes! Death or glory!

Skiing, Dad.

Skiing is danger, skiing is peril,

skiing can leave you with broken bones.

Broken bones, you say?

Oh, that's danger all right!

In conclusion, you will find brochures, photos and information

in this file, which you are welcome to have a look at.

Please feel free to check all the facts,

or if you wish, you may download the presentation from my website.

Thank you for listening.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Game over. Well done, everybody.

I shall be back in half an hour with the results.

Oh, what's the point? We know who's won this.

My darling princess. She's stormed it. We've got us a new champion!

Belle, you were brilliant!

Big daft snowy disco fish...

"Dear Gran, having a wonderful time here!

"Mum is browning nicely. Jack has hardly been out of the aquarium,

"and Dad has broken two legs!

"But sadly not his own.

"Everyone is so pleased they picked my idea.

"Much love and kisses, Belle."

Respect!

A wrong has been committed. The consequences have been grim.

A fight has been fought and the battle won.

By me, the hapless son.

Let me take you back.

MARCHING-STYLE DRUMS

Enough is enough.

Oh! And just where do you think you're going

with that flame-thrower, young lady?

Oh, hi, Gran, it's Jack's room, it's, like, so disgusting.

There's weird gurgling sounds, scratchings in the night.

I think there's something living in there.

Yes, of course there is, Belle. It's your brother!

No, something else. Something...unearthly.

And it totally stinks. I can smell it from my room.

Jack's a boy. Of course it stinks!

OMG. This is, like, way worse than that.

And he refuses to clean it, so I'm going in.

With a flame-thrower?

Gran, this is, like, way beyond dusty. I don't have a choice.

-Do you have his permission?

-Yeah, right(!)

Beware the consequences, Belle. That's all I'm saying.

Well, I'm a big girl. I can take them.

Out the way, old lady.

Old lady? I'll give her old lady!

Uh! Does it have to be Dirty Dancing again?

No-one puts Baby in a corner.

Oh, don't sulk, my love. What would you rather watch?

Pirates Of The Caribbean. First one's a classic!

Not the later ones. They're a bit far-fetched.

-Well, we've got all afternoon, let's watch both!

-Deal!

HE WHISTLES

HE SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS

My room!

-BOTH:

-# I've had the time of my life... #

Mum, Dad, Belle's been in my room! She's burnt it to a crisp!

Everything's incinerated. All my stuff's gone!

Ah, how do you know it was me?

Er, who else knows how to use a flame-thrower?

Well, you got me there, Sherlock.

And now she's sitting there smirking!

What are you going to do about it? She needs to be punished!

Banished to the Freaky Forest and slowly eaten by woodland creatures

who haven't eaten since last week.

Ooh, a weekend in the Freaky Forest. I'm so scared(!)

-Mum!

-We'll deal with it later, Jack, after the film.

-Dad!

-HE SOBS

-What your mother said.

I'm sure Belle was only playing.

Right, that's it! No-one ever listens to me.

I quit! I'm leaving!

Thanks, Steve.

I'm leaving this house.

Don't be late for tea.

I'm going now, forever. Look, I've already packed.

Shut the door on the way out.

Right, I will. You'll be sorry.

Leaving home again, Jack?

Belle's destroyed my room. Can you believe that?

And Mum and Dad, they're too busy to do anything about it.

That's fine. I'll make my own way in the world.

I hear you, Jack. But, you know, you do run away a lot.

Almost every day.

Yeah, it's all got a bit "boy who cried wolf".

You know, if you really want their attention,

you need to try something a bit more eye-catching.

Tell me more.

Hurry up, Jack, I'm busting here.

How long are you going to be, anyway?

As long as it takes, Dad.

-WHISPERS:

-As long as it takes.

How long as he been in there, anyway?

Since Saturday, I think.

Three days?! Right, I'm going to the sink.

You will not, you filthy animal!

You can go in the kennel like everyone else.

-There's a bucket in there.

-Kennel?!

Eurrgh! Has Belle been shaving her legs in here?

Aye.

HE GAGS

Oh, Jack! I'm so proud of you.

Though I have to admit, I'm a bit surprised

things have dragged on for so long.

I thought the press and media would have been all over this ages ago.

The press?

Jack? You have told your mum and dad and the press why you're doing this?

SHE SIGHS

Leave it to me. I have friends in the media.

Hallooo! Catriona?

Have I got news for you!

HE SNORES

Oh! I tell you what, if we had a plank, I'd be walking it by now.

SHE SNIFFS, THEN SIGHS

Dad, I need a shower. It's not fair!

-TV:

-'And support is growing for a local boy's so-called dirty protest.

'Tonight we report on the plight of Idle Jack...'

Whoa, whoa! I'm watching this. Mother!

'His protest has seen him locked in a lavatory.

'Oh, dear, what can the matter be? I hear you ask.

'Well, a statement released just moments ago puts

'the blame on his manky sister,

'Princess Belle, for torching his bedroom...'

-Belle!

-Sssh!

'..and his weak-willed parents for not sorting her out.

'Idle Jack completely exonerated

'his unusually youthful Gran from all blame.'

Enough! Switch it off.

So, that's what this is all about. The cheek of it!

I hope no-one we know has just seen that.

THEIR MOBILE PHONES RING

Yes? You're cancelling my entire winter season?

You can't do that! Oh, yes, you can?

You can't throw me out of Seafarer's Golf Club!

I've been a member since I was a cabin boy!

SHE GASPS You can't pull my sponsorship.

I can't live without free shoes!

Right. It's time we listened to his side of the story.

Find out what he wants.

I'm going in.

-FROM OUTSIDE:

-So, to recap.

You will come out if, A - you get a lock for your bedroom...

With only one key.

With only one key, of course.

And B - you get exclusive use of Belle's room while yours

is being redecorated in any style you chose.

And C - while your room is being redecorated,

Belle must sleep in a tent in the garden

as suitable punishment for...

..the wrongs that she has committed. Yes.

Son, I think we have a deal.

Great, I'll be out in a minute.

Yes! I'll let everyone know.

Oh! Oh, Jack. Well done!

You showed incredible strength, sticking to your guns like you did.

I'll be honest, I never thought you'd last this long.

Neither did I. To be equally honest, though,

it's only cos I lost the key to this a week ago.

Hang on...

Oh, ya numpty!

SHE TUTS

Oh, Jack!

# Oh, we set our sails For the South of France

# Deedle-deedle-deedle dee-ee

# And became straight back Cos we left our pants

# Deedle-deedle-deedle dee-ee. #

OWL HOOTS That...kennel...stinks!

Yep, that's right. Victory is mine.

I nailed my colours to the mast and I saw it through to the end.

So, people - some valuable lessons have been learned here today.

Not least of which is - you don't mess with Jack's stuff.

So, I don't like to complain.

Well, I DO like to complain, and if necessary, I'll take action

to encourage people to do the right thing.

But, with my family, they just seem to love bickering.

Ooh!

I've had it up to here with them and their stupid faces.

-Up to where?

-Up to at least here.

-That's not that high.

-Are you saying I've got stubby legs?

Cos my legs are as high as they could possibly be.

You know, I've been doing exercises off the internet,

but they just make my feet go bigger.

Mum, learn to stick to the point. Who are you upset with?

Our stupid next door neighbours.

The Ghosts?

Aye. That Mrs Ghost, she thinks she's so brilliant,

but I can see right through her.

-Honestly! She just had a right go at me.

-About what?

-Your gran.

-Gran?

Aye. She says she's out of control, that she's gone "toooooo faaaar".

Mum, I don't think you should make "ooo" noises

when you're talking about ghosts. That's quite racist.

She says that she's turned their dog into this.

Is that Cinnamon? The yappy, little rat thing?

The one that sounds like Miley Cyrus?

Mm. She says your gran can't be trusted out by herself any more,

and we should confiscate her wand.

They can't make us do anything, Mum. It'll be fine.

I'm so annoyed! She was all, like, "Oooooooh"!

Seriously, Mum, stop with the "oooh"s. Have you spoken to Gran?

What am I going to say to her?

"Hi, Mum. I like your hair. By the way, we've all decided

"you're cracking up, so hand over your wand"?

-That'll go down well(!)

-Mm...

Er, Mum, you can't tell Dad about this.

Seriously, he's been wanting to siege the Ghosts for years.

I think you'll find I'm the parent here,

and I'll decide what I tell my husband, thank you, young lady.

And if I choose to tell him that a ghost-y lady wants to have

my mother arrested, then that's my business, so get out of my grille.

What?! I knew those Ghosts would do something like this one day.

I'm going to siege them!

Wait! Wait! Wait, Beardy!

Oi! What are you doing?

-Oh! Ow!

-COMMOTION

For the love of Penzance, stop starting sieges!

-Violence is not always the answer!

-Not the face, love!

When we got married, you made a promise - a pirate's oath -

not to attack our friends, family or neighbours

unless I absolutely gave you permission, and I don't.

Darn, that unbreakable pirate oath!

You never let me siege anyone any more.

That's cos your reasons for sieging are rubbish!

Arrr...but not in this case.

Thanks, Janice.

Then there's the issue of their tree. Big massive tree,

dropping its stupid acorns dropping all over the place

Oh, and then those aggressive notes they leave everywhere:

"Can you please not park your car here?"

"Can you please make sure you take your bins back in?"

"Can you please stop your kids going up the shops in their jammies?"

We're not the only ones in the street with a problem with them.

Really? Is she like this with other people, too?

They're a nightmare! All the neighbours have been wanting

someone to take action for ages now. It's well documented.

Seriously, Dad, you need to calm, like, down.

Go on, love. A quick siege, put the frighteners right up them.

Then the whole street would be a nicer place.

Go on, give us your permission. Then you won't have to

worry about your mum getting taken away and locked up.

A siege isn't the answer.

We need to think of other ways of handling this.

All right. We could egg their house!

But we use eggs AND chickens.

They'll be so caught up trying to work out

which one happened first, they'll collapse with confusion.

Then we'll get rats to poo in their cereal bowls!

And we'll toilet paper all their toilet paper!

What's going on?

We're going to war, son. With the Ghosts next door.

Come on, we'll get some doubloons and buy some eggs.

I in no way give you my permission.

Mum, think about this for a second.

The neighbours are allowed to be annoyed.

Gran did turn their dog into a gnome. The truth is, we're all too busy

and we're not looking after Gran like we should.

Maybe - and I know this seems totally harsh - but maybe

we should think about putting Gran into a home.

She's not going into a home!

I've been on the internet and there are people

in the fairy godmother retirement business

who can give her the right support. She could go there during the week.

They get trips out and everything.

-Really?

-This way there doesn't need to be a war.

The neighbours will be happy,

and we'd be doing the right thing for Gran.

Well, perhaps I could at least take a look.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'll decide when my mother-in-law

is due to get locked up.

-You're being weak!

-I have to think what's best for everybody.

Perhaps I should just apologise.

And admit you're wrong? THEY'RE wrong!

They're wrong about no trampolining on a Sunday,

-and they're wrong about this!

-Mum, listen...

-Don't listen to her, she's just a child.

-Oh! I am not a child!

If I wants a Sunday bounce, I'll have a Sunday bounce.

-This war idea is so stupid.

-Dad knows what he's doing. He's Dad.

Have you ever thought about this? Using your own actual thoughts?

I don't need to, Dad's done all the thinking.

Though I've got no idea what he was talking about yesterday.

It was this thing, it was like a zoo just for bees and birds.

But this war thing - now, I totally understood that.

-Also, Dad's promised me a new bike.

-Don't fall for that again.

Remember when he said he'd get you a new laptop?

What did he actually get you?

A typewriter with a calculator strapped to the side.

And when he said he'd take you on a lovely trip?

He just pushed me into a bin, then put the photos on his blog.

And then he filmed it and put that on the school website.

And you think this man can be trusted?

Hang on.

Hi, it's me.

My sister says I should think for myself, what do you think?

Uh-huh?

Oh, right. Yep. OK. OK.

Erm, blue... No, no! Red!

Yeah, yeah, red. With wheels and a bell,

and a basket to put my monkey in.

OK, right, thanks, Dad. Bye-bye!

Did you actually...actually just ask Dad if you could think for yourself?

Yes, I did.

Wow.

Fine, if he wants to play it like that.

Agree with me and get Mum onside with the old folks' home,

-and you can have Gran's bedroom.

-Really?

Really. And you know I deliver.

Do the right thing, Jack. Think for yourself.

I'd better get back in there.

Oh...

I don't know what to do, now.

Bike or a room?

Bike or a room?

Ow!

"Babe, you seriously need to sort out your gran,

"otherwise we won't be able to see each other again.

"Gary." Gary? Gary Ghost!

Why can't I see Gary again?

Is he upgrading his ghostiness? Is he here now?

Ow!

"Not you, you idiot. That last note was meant for your sister.

"Your hair looks nice, by the way. Gary."

Oh. Thanks, babe!

So, my feisty plum, just give us permission. You know you want to.

Don't do it, Mum. You need to hear what Jack has to say.

That's the first sensible thing you've said.

-I've decided I'm definitely against the war.

-What?!

-Really, Jack? Why's that?

-Well, this way everyone wins.

Dad doesn't need to bribe me with a new bike,

Gran gets dumped in a home,

I get her big bedroom, and Belle can keep snogging Gary Ghost.

Yay! Everyone's a winner!

Gary Ghost? The Ghost's son?

I'm disappointed in you, Belle.

-It wasn't...

-You were just looking after yourself.

-Snogging the enemy!

ALL TALK AT ONCE Coo-ee! It's only me.

Oh, thank you, Belle, dear. That's just what I was after.

I've agreed with the Ghosts to lift my spell on Cinnamon.

Carry on yelling!

So, thanks to my little spell, the Ghosts have been persuaded

to poop scoop - it's a victory for clean feet everywhere!

Right, Cinnamon.

Oh, what was that spell again?

I shake you once, I... SMASH

..shake you twice.

Ooops!

I tell you something, landlubbers.

If I learned anything from my many years on the high seas,

'tis this - you got to know your arrr from your elbow. Ha-har!

And, if you wants to get the treasure,

you can't stay on the boat sitting on your hands. No!

You gots to get off the boat. You gots to dig.

Gots to get your hands dirty.

This be what's called an extended metaphor, me hearties. Arr.

Get your peepers round this.

Seriously, son? Crisps for breakfast?

Er...?

Yeah, but this is pure protein. That's just carrrrbs.

"That's just carrrrbs"!

Why don't you have cereal like your sister?

There's no Chocolate Ninja Stars left.

Oh, right. Did someone forget to buy them?

Please tell your father that someone was too busy scrubbing and cleaning,

while someone else doesn't even know his way to the supermarket.

Yeah?

You tell your mother that someone was busy travelling the seven seas

putting his life on the line to provide for his family.

Well, you tell someone that someone better change the record!

Well, you tell someone that it's just a bit of

scrubbing and cleaning. How hard could it be?

Sorry - who are we actually talking about here?

Belle! That's no way for a princess to behave!

A pirate, maybe, but not a princess.

Why did I marry a pirate?!

Why did you?!

-Oh, dear. Are those two still a bit fighty biscuits?

-Mm-hmm.

Right, you - fire up that computer.

Like it, Granny! Online solutions.

Fix my marriage-dot-lurrve!

No, Ryanair-dot-com.

Other airline websites are available.

-FG is getting outta here.

-What?!

Tinker Bell has been asking me for ages to visit her in Neverland.

And with those two kicking off, now seems like a very good time.

-You're not going, Gran. You can't!

-You have to sort it, Gran!

-Why is it always left to me to sort it?

-I'm not getting involved.

-Why not?

-I'm too young!

Yeah! We've got... What do you call them? Children's rights!

What? The right to not get off your bahookie and do something?

-Yeah.

-Exactly.

Oh, for the love of...

Look - are you happy with the situation?

No. I hate it when they fight.

-Well, then. Get involved! Engage!

-How?

Oh, close.

-It's all in there.

-It's massive. How are we supposed to read this?

May I suggest you start somewhere in the vicinity of Page One?

"Chapter One -

"establishing a line of communication with the injured parties."

-Where are you off to, my love?

-Out.

-Who with?

-You don't know them.

-You got any homework, son?

-No.

-That's a lie, isn't it?

-Aye.

I reckon that's about as much conversation

as I can handle with the parentage.

I know. Imagine having to discuss their love life.

I say we choose the path of least resistance.

Yeah. Either that, or just do nothing.

It'll probably just blow over.

Yeah. I mean, how bad is it really, anyways?

Please tell me you've washed my PE kit.

Sorry, son. Your father is now in charge of cleaning and laundry.

I can see that.

Please tell me you've washed my emerald green ball gown.

Newsflash.

From this afternoon, due to a severe lack of respect,

-your father will be moving out of this house.

-THEY GASP

-Into the back garden.

-THEY SIGH WITH RELIEF

Before moving to Madagascar, taking Jack with me as cabin boy.

-Right. Where is it?

-What you up to, bro?

What do you mean? Things have gone too far!

I know, you're not the only one who had to wear a onesie to school.

Forget the onesie, Belle. I'm talking me - Madagascar? Cabin boy?

-Ah, there it is!

-I know, I'm well jeal.

-What?

Are you kidding? Natural tan, coconut water on tap, those wee lemurs...

I can't be a cabin boy. I hate the ships,

I hate the sea, I hate the food, I hate the vomiting.

Do you mind if I get your room?

I've got a bit of a shoe overspill situation.

Belle, please. Help me, here. I can't do this myself. Please.

Look, I know it's a big change,

but maybe it's just what Mum and Dad need right now.

Let's just...go with the flow.

So, it's just going to be us two here together. All girls.

Me and my wee scullery maid!

Let's do this.

How are you getting on with this?

Oh, aye, it's...you know, the bit where he does the...

It's total gibberish, man.

I've read the same page, like, 50 times, I still don't understand it.

-Not you as well?

-Aw, no. You're kidding?

'Sorry kids, rubbish service in Neverland. Found a hot spot, though!

'How's it going?'

Terrible. Your book was rubbish.

'Oh. Kids today. You've forgotten how to read books,

'that's your problem. Honestly. If it hasn't got a charger...'

Very good, Gran. We're on a meter here.

What do we do? I don't want to be a scullery maid!

I don't want to be a cabin boy!

'I know. It's no life, son. No Wi-Fi round the Cape of Good Hope.'

Noooooooo!

'I'm sure it won't come to that. your dad's threatened to

'leave home before, and he's never actually done it.'

-Sorry. Just the thought of no Wi-Fi.

-But what do we do now, Gran?

'If you really can't think for yourselves,

'have you considered trying to consult your peer group?'

Considered the why with the what with the who, now?

'Duh! Talking to your friends.'

I'm not talking to my friends about this. They'll think I'm a total dork.

'So, it's OK to tweet them about the retro spag bol you just ate,

'or to Instagram a cat that looks like Benedict Cumberbatch,

'but when it comes to this, something that actually matters...

'You haven't got much time! Do it! Do it!

'FG, out.'

What did Snow White do when she was getting hassle off her step-mum?

I'm not talking to her, she's a total dork.

I'll message her.

Look, there's whole forums here about this stuff.

BillyGoatGruff98. "To get parents together,

"create common enemy by hiring a troll to terrorise your bridge."

It's a nice idea, but we've not got the time.

Scroll down a bit. Look!

RumpelstiltskinFace.

"Spin hair into gold and make your parents a fortune."

Mm, it's a bit far-fetched.

UglySister02. "Set your mum up with a really rich BF."

No.

-Right, here you are.

-Hi, Dad.

-What yous looking at?

-BOTH TOGETHER:

-Sneezing panda.

-Cat with bread on its...

Right.

You OK with the whole Madagascar cabin boy arrangement thing, son?

I'm no ecstatic,

but we had a chat with Gran and I feel a lot better now.

-Good, good, good. Cos we leave in two hours.

-What?

Favourable winds, etc. Plus, I can't take any more of your mother.

Best start packing, eh? You won't need much.

Just toothbrush, pants, anti-vomiting tablets.

BELLE SOBS

RINGTONE FANFARE

Hang on, look. Snow White tweeted us back.

She says, "Ignore the rest, the best advice is on Page 642."

"It's not rocket science,

"just ask them what's wrong."

So, in general,

Mum would like to ask Dad to appreciate her work round the house.

Dad would like Mum to appreciate his work in the seven seas area.

With regards to the incident which sparked this unfortunate episode,

Mum would like to express her displeasure at receiving

a petrol canister for her wedding anniversary.

Dad concedes this, but would like to point out his intended present

was the Neelanjali Ruby,

which turned out to be booby-trapped,

causing the death of three of his men.

The canister was a last-minute petrol station panic purchase

in order to replace it.

Furthermore, Mum would like it to be known

that she doesn't want Dad to go.

Dad would concur with this.

So, likes I said,

if you don't mind picking up the spade, you WILL find the treasure.

Just like my kids helped me find mine.

Our work here is done.

Ugh! Get a room!

Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no!