Pennod 2 Standyp: Gwerthu Allan

-Subtitles

-Subtitles

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-Subtitles

-Ladies and gentlemen...

-..please welcome your MC

-for the evening, Mr Daniel Glyn.

-Thank you very much.

-How are you all?

-How are you all?

-

-Hooray!

-Welcome to the sumptuous

-Richard Burton Theatre.

-He's the worst theatre owner

-in the world.

-We haven't seen him once today.

-For health and safety reasons the

-theatre'd like me to point out...

-..that tonight's show will feature

-a comedian from Swansea.

-He's one of the busiest comedians

-on the circuit.

-You're in for a treat.

-He'll also be

-signing autographs later...

-..because he's a gifted forger -

-choose anyone you want!

-Please welcome Steffan Alun.

-Hello!

-Are you alright? Good evening.

-Hello, everyone. My name's Steffan.

-I'm named after

-Llanbedr Pont Steffan.

-That's not what my father

-wanted to call me.

-My father was a minister and

-wanted to give me a biblical name.

-I don't know if he was joking...

-..but he said the name he wanted

-to give me was Moses Goliath.

-No-one in the world

-is cool enough...

-..to warrant a name

-like Moses Goliath.

-Well, no white person!

-But people in college

-called me Moses anyway.

-The last thing on earth

-I wanted to have to say was...

-.."How do you know my name, guys?"

-If I were a girl, I would've

-been called Jezebel Delilah.

-He said, "There are

-fewer female names in the Bible."

-Off the top of my head, Mary!

-I do a lot of gigs in England...

-..and they don't understand me

-half the time.

-I much prefer doing gigs in Welsh.

-In England I say, "Hello, my name is

-Steffan. I'm named after Lampeter."

-Nothing.

-Absolutely no comprehension.

-I live in Swansea

-in an area called Hafod.

-It's a strong Welsh name, but

-that's not what we call it locally.

-Locally we call it LA.

-Lower 'Afod.

-We have a gang in Hafod...

-..and the gang's called Hafod Boyz.

-I know this because

-on the wall outside the house...

-..someone's painted Hafod Boyz

-in graffiti.

-You know they're a rough gang...

-..because they've spelt boys

-with a Z.

-That's the scariest letter

-in the world.

-It was too scary to be included

-in the Welsh alphabet.

-But it's nice to see youngsters

-in the local area...

-..pick up a tin of paint

-and deface walls.

-It's nice

-keeping Welsh traditions alive.

-We're obsessed with tradition.

-I went to university

-in Aberystwyth...

-..and I got a phone call

-from a friend one day.

-Well, I lived in Welsh halls,

-so he announced it over the Tannoy.

-He said, "Steff, we're out tonight."

-I asked him, "What's the occasion?"

-He said, "It's Wednesday night."

-I said, "What do you mean?"

-He said,

-"We're going to the Coopers Arms...

-"..a couple of pints,

-pizzas from across the road...

-"..and back to the lounge

-for drinking games."

-Then, he looked

-straight into my eyes and said...

-.."It's tradition."

-For me, tradition is too strong

-a word to describe a sesh.

-But he said,

-"No, you don't understand.

-"Cwps, pizza, drinking games, we've

-done this every Wednesday night...

-"..since we've been in college."

-Up to then,

-we'd been in college a fortnight.

-In Wales, a fortnight is how long

-it takes for a new experience...

-..to become a tradition.

-A fortnight is all it takes...

-..to go from being brand new to...

-.."There we are then,

-we'll have to do it forever now."

-We embrace new things, we make

-them Welsh and modernize them...

-..but the rest of the world moves on

-whereas we maintain our traditions.

-"Well it's not an eisteddfod without

-the disco dancing competition."

-If you're young enough

-to compete in the disco dancing...

-..you're too young

-to remember disco.

-Fair play, the eisteddfod

-is trying its best to modernize.

-During the Boncath Eisteddfod

-two years ago...

-..they renamed the competition.

-Its new name was the street, hip-hop

-and disco dancing competition.

-Something's gone wrong there.

-To start with,

-that'd only happen in Wales.

-We're the only culture

-in the world...

-..that thinks disco dancing,

-hip-hop and street dancing...

-..are more or less the same.

-You can imagine the meeting.

-"We have to move with the times.

-"What shall we do?"

-"How about street dancing?" "Yes,

-great. Bang on contemporary."

-That's how the eisteddfod council

-speaks. "Bang on contemporary."

-"Yes, cool! Tick that box!"

-"Let's get our youngsters

-back in the fold."

-"Street dancing. What next?"

-"Hip-hop dancing." "Good."

-For me, hip-hop dancing

-isn't contemporary.

-Hip hop is something from the '90s

-but I'm prepared to accept it.

-For the eisteddfod council,

-anything newer than a coloured TV.

-"So we have street,

-we have hip hop, what next?"

-One voice at the back pipes up.

-"And what about the disco dancing?"

-"We were going to leave that out.

-That's the purpose of this meeting.

-"It's a little old fashioned."

-"It's tradition."

-I understand it's hard seeing things

-die. It's hard having to move on.

-I remember 2001.

-Goodnight!

-I remember 2001

-when Cefn Gwlad ran out of farms.

-It's hard, but having said that...

-..it's healthy

-that we move on from some things.

-Some traditions should end,

-like naming wedding anniversaries.

-I'm fine with gold and diamond

-anniversaries - they can stay.

-But there are names for every one.

-You're meant to buy a gift

-from the appropriate material.

-My friend, who celebrated his

-second wedding anniversary, said...

-.."There we are,

-it's a paper anniversary." Paper!

-What present can you

-buy your partner of two years...

-..that's made of paper?

-"There you go, here's a cheque."

-My friend

-bought his wife toilet paper.

-In return, she gave him

-divorce papers, so...

-I got married

-four or five years ago.

-I remember

-my friend giving me advice.

-He said,

-"It's a strain, it's difficult.

-"The period

-before you get married is hard."

-You're bound to

-fall out with someone.

-Probably the last person

-you'd expect. And he was right.

-My wife and I

-quarrelled with Swansea Council.

-We visited the registrar

-and she said...

-.."You do realize

-that we can't promise...

-"..that the wedding

-will be conducted in Welsh?"

-We said, "Well, we can't promise...

-"..that county hall

-won't be set alight."

-She said, "Only two of us

-speak Welsh in the office."

-I said, "We only need one registrar,

-not Ant and Dec."

-She said, "We may be on holiday."

-I said, "Don't go on holiday."

-This was six months beforehand.

-If I'm booked for something

-six months in advance, I do it.

-Tonight, I've come back

-from Canberra to do this gig.

-I don't even know

-where Canberra is, sorry.

-I've tried to find it

-on the only map I have at home.

-A map of Wales from the Welsh shop,

-and like all good maps of Wales...

-..there are three straight sides

-and it's cut out along the border.

-And then a box in the corner.

-Patagonia.

-She said, "We might be ill"

-and I said to her...

-.."If my family of nationalists

-and I...

-"..see this wedding

-conducted in English...

-"..you'll be extremely ill."

-We made a fuss...

-..and we had our wedding in Welsh.

-And six months in prison.

-Thank you, Cardiff. Goodnight.

-.

-*

-*

-

-*

-Ladies and gentlemen...

-..please welcome tonight's MC,

-Mr Daniel Glyn.

-Hello, everyone.

-Our next act also has a beard.

-You're really

-going to enjoy her set.

-She's travelled all over Europe...

-..with people

-like Russell Kane and Lee Evans...

-..and has appeared in a horror film

-situated in Llanelli.

-It's scary, it's violent

-and it's tense throughout.

-I've no idea what the film's about

-but it should be good.

-Please welcome to the stage

-Dan Thomas.

-Everyone alright? Good.

-Lovely to be here.

-I come from Swansea.

-Yay!

-Yay!

-

-Thanks, the three of you.

-The rest of you, sod off!

-I love coming from Swansea but

-it takes a lot to impress locals.

-I was in a pub in Swansea

-called The Uplands Tavern.

-I was the only one in there

-apart from two old men at the bar.

-This pub is around the corner

-from where Dylan Thomas was born...

-..so you often get tourists in.

-Some are American tourists.

-I was sitting there 10 years ago

-when Paul Newman walked in.

-Genuinely now. Butch Cassidy

-walked into The Uplands Tavern.

-He walked up to the bar and said...

-.."I'm looking for

-Dylan Thomas' house."

-The two old men said, "Go out the

-door, turn right, right again...

-..over the roundabout, can't

-miss it, Dylan Thomas' house."

-So he leaves.

-I'm sitting there, thinking they've

-just been speaking to Butch Cassidy.

-One of the men said, "Was that Paul

-Newman?" The other said, "Yeah."

-They just

-don't give a shit in Swansea.

-I do stand-up all over the country.

-I like asking people

-in the front row...

-.."What do you do? What's your job?"

-People say, "I'm a doctor"

-or "I'm a teacher." Normal jobs.

-I was down in Devon...

-I was down in Devon and I

-asked a woman, "What do you do?"

-She said, "I'm a cat psychic."

-What the fuck are you talking about?

-A cat psychic isn't a job.

-That's the easiest job in the world

-to fake.

-"Join hands now. We're all

-in this circle. OK, Eileen?

-"I can feel him

-coming through, Eileen."

-"Can you feel him?

-I can feel Mr Fluffy.

-"Mr Fluffy's in the room.

-Can you feel his presence?

-"I can hear him, Eileen.

-"He's saying, "chchchchch".

-"Does that

-mean anything to you, Eileen?

-"I can hear it clearly. Chchchchch."

-"Does that mean anything?"

-"Yes, he always made that noise."

-"Whenever he had a fur ball."

-"Yes, how do you know that?"

-"I'm a fucking cat psychic."

-I've got children now.

-Before children I really enjoyed

-my life but that's over now.

-And that's fine.

-They're lovely but after being in

-the car with them for two hours...

-..and they've listened to Santa

-Claus Is Coming for the 35th time...

-..and it's July,

-you're just like, "Oh, my God!"

-The littlest one says, "Daddy,

-what do you want for Christmas?"

-"An embolism.

-I want an embolism, OK?"

-It's nice having children.

-My children are going to be

-brought up differently...

-..from how I was brought up.

-My parents

-were members of the Free Wales Army.

-Yay!

-Yay!

-

-Whoa!

-Welcome to the rally!

-They were members

-of the Free Wales Army.

-One of you knows about it,

-I'm not sure about the rest of you.

-It was like the Welsh IRA.

-The militant wing

-of the Chuckle Brothers.

-Basically.

-We had guns in the house.

-My sister and I would play

-with these guns over the weekend.

-There were no bullets involved,

-we just pistol whipped each other.

-No permanent damage, it was fine.

-We thought it was normal

-to have guns at home.

-We'd play with them on the weekend

-and at school on Monday...

-..we said, "We played with guns

-over the weekend.

-"Don't you have guns?"

-The other children were like, "No."

-We were just like,

-"Aw, maybe they're poor."

-Obviously my parents were militant.

-I remember when I was small,

-my mother said to me...

-.."Just so you know,

-assassination for political ends...

-"..is always justified."

-There was no context.

-She might've been

-tucking me in at bedtime.

-"Goodnight. Assassination for

-political ends is always justified.

-"Love you."

-My parents' friends

-would call round.

-An uncle, who wasn't really

-my uncle, would tell me stories.

-I remember

-sitting on one of their laps.

-He said, "Do you know anything

-about the bombing...

-"..at Llyn Clywedog reservoir

-in 1966?"

-I was nine at the time.

-I was like, "No."

-He went...

-.."No, neither do I."

-I try to be

-more appreciative of things.

-I'm much more grateful

-for the Internet now.

-Some say the Internet makes

-people more stupid, but it doesn't.

-Bits of it does,

-like photos on Facebook.

-"If this picture gets 10,000 likes,

-the toddler gets a free pancreas...

-"..whether he wants it or not."

-Imbeciles! But the Internet

-is handy for certain things.

-I'll give you an example. I was on

-a date with my wife two months ago.

-We were at this restaurant

-and another couple walked in...

-..and sat at the table next to ours.

-We could hear them talking and we

-guessed they were on a first date.

-"First date, lovely."

-And then we tuned out.

-After 20 minutes my wife got up

-and went to the bathroom.

-So I tuned back in again -

-only 20 minutes had elapsed.

-This was a first date...

-..and this pair

-started discussing...

-..which equipment

-they liked to use in the bedroom.

-Not which sex toys but equipment.

-Heavy-duty, JCB, God knows!

-So I'm paying close attention now.

-They used two words

-that I'd heard before...

-..but never together.

-The two words were chin,

-which is fine, innocent...

-..and dildo.

-So I've tuned in now.

-My wife comes back and I say,

-"They're talking about chin dildos."

-She says, "What?"

-"They're talking about chin dildos."

-She says, "What?"

-"They're talking about chin dildos!"

-"What?" "Right, charades."

-Two words, first word...

-"Chin. Yes, got that right.

-"OK, second word."

-I don't know how to mime this one.

-"Sounds like..."

-"I've got some bricks.

-"I'm cementing before adding

-more bricks. What am I doing?

-"What am I doing?" "Constructing."

-"No, not constructing."

-"The Wenglish word

-for constructing."

-She says, "Bildo." "Yes." "Chin

-bildo?" "Shut up, they'll hear you!"

-That's why I'm happy

-to have the Internet.

-I wouldn't know what a chin dildo

-was before the Internet.

-How'd you find out?

-Contact Directory Enquiries?

-"Yes, I'm looking for a product.

-"I'll tell you what,

-I'll spell it for you.

-"It's C-H-I-N.

-"Chin,

-that is a perfectly innocent word.

-"And then D...

-"..I...

-"..L...

-"..D...

-"..O.

-"No, that's not what I said.

-"You said that word I just gave you

-a selection of letters."

-In this restaurant, I could

-just look it up on my phone.

-That was fantastic.

-I went to this website

-called Toys In Us...

-So I looked this thing up.

-If you don't know

-what a chin dildo is...

-..basically,

-it's like a helmet you wear...

-..and on the chin part...

-..is a thing.

-Basically, it looks like this.

-One of these.

-Thank God

-they discussed a chin dildo...

-..before he turned up, wearing one,

-hoping for the best.

-"Sorry. I didn't know the restaurant

-was going to be as posh as this."

-I'd gone down a rabbit hole

-with this Toys In Us website.

-Chin dildos weren't the only

-products, there were tons of stuff.

-There were vibrators.

-One of them was so powerful, if you

-took it into central London...

-..you'd have to pay

-a congestion charge.

-It's been great

-being on S4C for the last time.

-You've been great.

-I've been Dan Thomas. Goodnight.

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

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