My Lives and Times

This programme contains very strong language

-Can you hear me?

-Yes.

-Daddy, daddy.

-Two seconds, baby.

'I was taken into the care system as a vulnerable eight-year-old.

'I was released back onto the streets,

'a multi-tasking criminal, at 16 years old,

'heading straight for the revolving doors of Her Majesty's Prison.'

'Film-making has managed to take me away from all that

'and overcome barriers that I never ever thought would be possible.'

'I love using my environment to my advantage.

'When you're somebody like me, your past works for you, or your past works against you.'

They look for the realness in people.

The way I see myself right now or the way I see myself...

Happening, boys?

'Mon then.

Bring your fuckin' blade, didn't fuckin' put up...

It's not a fuckin' blade, ya fuckin' bam!

ALL SHOUT OVER ONE ANOTHER

Do him, Mikey, he's a wee fanny.

-Andrew!

-What the fuck you done, ya wee fanny?!

-Ya bunch of arseholes!

-SHE WEEPS

Ya wee bastards.

SHE SCREAMS, SIRENS BLARE

RAPS: Trod up to some raw livin' Headin' for a Scottish prison

Fuck your flawed system I've risen above the law, listen

I've been to hell and back Smokin' crack, sellin' smack

Tryin' to get my story straight So I can tell it back

Became a man at eight Every night my ma was late

Makin' sure my sister had a warm plate

But what thanks did I get? Treated like I'm a regret

Exiled from my family and friends

And so I go nuts

The youngest Scot they'd ever locked up

So fucked, nobody understands the way I've grown up

I've been through physical and sexual abuse...

'I wasn't born into this world, I was thrown into it

'with an alcoholic for a dad

'and a mum who just didn't know how to love.

'I was up against the odds right from the start.'

'This is my Muirhouse, it's just not here anymore.

'The buildings are all knocked down.'

'I can still see the place where my mum held my hand out

'and slowly burnt it with a cigarette

'just to teach me a lesson for playing with matches.'

'I can still see the place where they took me into care,

'36 different care homes in eight years.

'I bet you they didn't even know why I never fitted in.'

'I want to tell you a story,

'but in order for me to tell you this story

'I'm going to have to delve into the demons of my past,

'to find some answers,

'and some of them aren't going to be pretty.'

CAR ALARM BLARES

'My area's completely destroyed

'through AIDS, through drugs, through nobody just giving a fuck.

'They've let a full generation of people die down here

'and just be forgotten.

'Just forgotten.'

It's hard to believe, next to New York,

Edinburgh was the biggest city with AIDS,

and now it's like it never even happened.

I've lost so many pals, friends, family, my peers.

It's hard walking along here, looking at the photographs...

my distant memories.

This just looks like a bit of barren waste ground to all youse.

But for me, this was my childhood.

'When I have a feeling like this, my first thought is heroin.

'There's no other thought.

'The first thing I think about is smack, that tin foil...

'..the taste...'

'..the money.'

I fuckin' miss it. I miss it a lot.

I miss the smack days a lot, which sounds fucking weird.

But I'll tell you what, when I was on smack...

I never, ever felt any of this pain and my hands never shook.

My hands did never shake on smack.

And I didn't ever have a conscience.

Never, ever had a guilty conscience on smack.

Now I feel like I'm fuckin' guilty for everything.

Now I feel like I apologise at every given opportunity.

I almost feel like cunts like me don't deserve to be here.

-REPORTER:

-Edinburgh has not learned to live with its title

of AIDS capital of Europe.

The widespread use of drugs in some areas has led

to an explosive spread of the infection.

The sharing of needles to inject heroin

and the passing on of infected blood

is the main way in which the virus can be spread.

The issuing of clean needles may be controversial,

but the report's author says the AIDS problem

is a more serious one than drug abuse.

'To get a better understanding of my community

'and what addiction and drugs and poverty have done,

'there's only one man I know who has really got a unique insight into it.

'Steph, he's my own drug worker,

'who helped me come off the methadone.'

When I was first here in '84, that was the explosion,

that was the kind of HIV explosion, then.

Roy Robertson did his paper,

which he published in '85, I think it was,

so Roy from Muirhouse Medical Group, and he looked at blood samples

that he had refrigerated for his drug-using patients.

I think it was 167 patients, um,

51% of those patients were found to be HIV positive,

and this added to sort of the burgeoning global realisation

that there was a connection between injecting drug use and HIV.

Um, similar studies were done in Glasgow, England and Wales.

In Glasgow, 5%, 4.5% of the patients in Glasgow

were found to be HIV positive.

In England and Wales it fluctuated between 5% and 10%.

So Muirhouse, 51%, the rest of the country, somewhere between 5 and 10%

and I think that's why Edinburgh was tagged the AIDS capital of Europe

in the mid '80s and Muirhouse was probably the hub of that capital.

Go and put your jumper on, Garry Jay.

-Where is it?

-It's on the door.

You've not changed your socks so get them changed.

BABY GIGGLES

Go in the bedroom and get dressed.

Please!

LITTLE GIRL SHOUTS

Brian, what did you find? Which one?

Is it a lottery?

'Looking at my kids, I dread to think what they would do without me.

'After all the years of taking drugs,

'it's about time I went and got myself checked

'for AIDS and Hep C.'

So, that's me just been for an AIDS test and a Hep B booster.

That's where the needle went in for the...HIV.

It's funny, an ex-junkie - I'm not even an ex-junkie...

..the doctor doesn't think that, that I'm an addict

because I'm on five dihydrocodeine and if I'd wanted to there,

I could've went and got methadone because I'm in such a low mood.

He says if I want to go and get methadone

I can go back on my methadone programme any time I want,

which I just think's fucking appalling.

I'm sitting in that fucking surgery

and as I'm sitting in that surgery I'm looking around me

thinking how many people have been here before me.

The story I'm trying to tell... how many of them?

I'm running out of numbers now. I've ran out of numbers

for the amount of pals that I know that have died.

'Tam's had the virus for 21 years.

'When he first got told he had the virus,

'he was told he was handed a death sentence.

'Everything I know about living with somebody with AIDS has come from Tam.

'But Tam's beat the virus.

'I think the combinational therapy of drugs have helped that.'

Aye, we've...five years.

Jay's 21 now. Thomas must be 33?

-Aye.

-Sarah, 28?

28 and pregnant. I'm going to be a granda.

-Oh! Granda Tam!

-Just think, before the combination come out,

I just used to live day to day.

I didn't even used to bother if I'd die in the morning.

I used to fall asleep and say,

"If I fall asleep and die, I'm not bothered."

Did you get to a point when you were like,

"Fuck it," with the virus? You must have.

Aye, that was before the combination come out.

It was in the '80s, and there was people catching the virus

like in Leith and stuff like that.

But, um...

..if it, it was a thing like if you...

if you had the virus, you're a fucking alien, know what I mean?

Nobody would come near you, sort of thing,

but I'm just the sort of guy that would say,

"Aye, I've got the virus, how?" Ken what I mean?

-And if anybody said anything, it's always behind your back.

-Aye, never to your face.

Ken what I mean? So it doesn't matter to me!

Remember when that guy says... remember when he says to you,

"Can you give me some of your blood so I can get on DLA?"

Aye, unbelievable!

The guy wanted to inject your blood so he could get the virus

-so he could get more brew money.

-Aye, so he could get the high rate.

I was like, you've got to be fuckin' kidding!

I remember when you told me that, I was like...

I says to the guy, I says, "Are you fucking nuts?!"

Fucking unbelievable, man, that's mad.

The best one was when you went down to my house

and I had all they vallies and all that,

and I put them all down... all down the toilet,

and flushed them away!

-You were fucking boaking!

-I was like, "How can you do that?!

"You could've just gave them to me. It's a waste!"

I just seen them going down the sink and I'm like, "You can't do that!"

It's like throwing an ounce of kit into the water.

It's like, "Well, I'd much rather burn it away, but..."

-Done you a favour.

-You did.

I'll tell you something now that you might not know, right?

Ken I says I flushed the smack down the toilet?

I never. I took it up to the house with Brian.

-How much do you owe me now?

-BOTH LAUGH

Ha-ha! You just stuck yourself in, you wido!

You're still not learning!

'To continue with my future,

'I've got to face up to the demons from my past.

'One of these demons is something I did to Tam's mum.

'I want to apologise to her.'

So how are we going to get in the stair, press the buzzer?

Not bad, passable. What you been doing, lying gouching, Garry?

Not for a long time, not for a long time, hen.

What my ma's been through...

-Aye.

-Aye.

Through hell and back, with a family like we've got.

We had...Derek using, that passed away.

Trisha, his wife, passed away.

-Brian did now and again.

-No, not often, no.

-Not very often.

-Unless he met Garry.

-Unless he met me.

Wullie did, but not very often.

He got Hep C, but he managed to get rid of it.

-Aye.

-Because of his insurance and the car and all that stuff.

And I was the worst.

You ken the Christmases and everything that you gave me,

when I first came out of care and...

-Remember the laughs we used to have at Christmas?

-Aye.

I'd never had that before, cos being in a children's home,

you never seen any of that.

Anybody could come in my house at Christmas, New Year, anytime they wanted.

I need to apologise for something, I...

Like, I...

Let me get this right.

I want to apologise for something that I done in the '90s,

which was bring heroin back into your house

and I should've learned, after Tam and that,

that heroin just fuckin' destroys families

and I never.

And I want to apologise to you for that,

just that in itself. There's a million and one other things

I've to apologise for, but...

-You want me to start?

-SHE LAUGHS

Where will I start, Garry?

But that's just the one,

because if youse never done what you done,

like, when I was 16 and my nana had obviously died, I wouldn't be here.

But your wife was the same, Garry.

She never gave you much - if she was on it and you were on it, what...

-No chance.

-You've no chance in hell of you coming off.

-No.

-Because you're trying to come off and she's taking it

and you're, "Ach, just have, go on, just a wee bit, Garry,"

and that's what I says to you then, but you wouldn't listen to me then.

I don't think I could listen at all.

You says to me, "No, no, I'm coming,"

but I knew, as soon as I looked at your face, I knew.

That's what... Looking back on it now,

thinking about how me and Angie would walk in and go...

Like that, but now I feel like how, how could you do that, Garry?

Ken like, but at the time...

But at the time that's what was done.

It didn't seem like I was doing anything wrong, ken like...

You used to say, "She's coming off."

I said, "She's not coming off, have a good look at her."

But you couldn't look at her,

cos you were seeing the same as what you were doing.

'I wanted to pay my respects

'and I lay flowers at the graves of Tam's brother, Tam's sister-in-law.

'I don't want to say any names,

'but I know a lot of my own people are buried here.'

'And it's horrible looking around

'seeing name after name, after name, after name, after name that I know.'

'There wasn't even enough flowers to go around,

'and I feel so fuckin' sad for that.'

PHONE RINGS

'Hello, there, doctors' surgery, can I help you?'

Hi, I wonder if you could help me, please, yeah.

I had a, um, an appointment with Dr... Well, David.

-'Uh-uh.'

-And the... And the purpose of the...

the appointment was for a HIV test.

'OK, I'll get a message to your doctor first thing in the morning

-'and he'll give you a ring.'

-OK, that's brilliant. Thank you.

-'No problem. Thanks.'

-Cheers, bye.

Sometimes when you stay in a council estate

it's like staying on Big Brother.

There's that many cameras, you don't know who's looking.

Is it any surprise we all cover our faces?

I'm shocked that other people find it shocking that we live like this.

From the age of six or seven my life's been fully recorded.

It's funny, that. No wonder I'm a product of the system.

'Hello, this is Jennifer Bryson at Birthlink.

'I'm looking for Garry Fraser.

'Garry, it's about the files that you want access to.

'I've been allocated to share that information

'and they're ready for you to get whenever you want.

'OK, thank you, bye.'

Fuck it, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, eh?

I've read through, and I was getting a real sense

of you being a real character

and some of the things you got up to,

I was like, "Oh, want to meet this guy."

-What was...what was the ones that...

-Well, you were forever running away,

so obviously the system wasn't doing it for you, um...

I've got Howdenhall, Rothesay, Midfields, St Joseph's.

I've got foster placement -

Kenmuir, St Mary's, Woodland School, Newton Stewart.

But remember, I reckon there's about 1,500 pages,

cos I've got 287 here,

but the one I noticed there was that you'd stolen a boat.

"Garry has been arrested and charged with theft of a boat

"and will probably be held

"in police custody for the rest of the weekend."

Yeah, so there was...there's loads of, you know,

loads of...these are emergency social work reports,

so these are, you know, um...

"Contacted by A&E Royal Infirmary,

"Garry made his own way, reporting he'd taken too many jellies."

I never drunk alcohol or that,

so as you can see I wasn't one of they type of teenagers

-that went away and drunk.

-Right enough.

D'you know, there's never, when I went through this, there was never any mention of alcohol.

I was too scared that I was going to end up like my dad,

-so I stayed away from the drink.

-Right, yeah.

And I think...see, cos of being street wide,

I was always scared that, see, if I was drunk,

that's when I was going to end up getting, like...

-Something would happen to you.

-That's when I thought...

Somebody would take advantage. Sexually, aye.

The hardest thing about the care system is that the members of staff

that are the best are the ones that are more likely to lose their jobs.

Yeah.

Most people have got photographs from their childhood,

I says, I've got care files.

It seems to be a recurring theme in Garry's life, eh,

that everybody just takes me in.

Families take me in left, right and centre.

'Always in the search for a family or people to take me in and love me.'

'Can't believe that I'm driving past the same houses

'that I used to stay in when I was a bairn on the run.'

'Walking up to my first ever children's home

'is probably one of the hardest decisions I've ever made.

'As I'm walking up the pathway, it just feels so different

'coming up here as a man. I had some good times in there.

'There was laughs, we got to go bowling, you got clothing grants,

'but by that time, the damage had already been done.

My first placement was foster parents.

After they took me out of Muirhouse,

they put me in a young person's unit in Balerno.

Within the first week, I was sexually abused and this guy,

a 14-year-old guy,

walked into my room and told me that if I didn't put his penis in my mouth

and suck it like a lollypop, he was going to batter me.

And I couldn't tell anybody down Muirhouse about that.

I couldn't tell anybody about that apart from a member of staff.

How can I tell anybody about that?

Everybody will just think I'm a poof or they'll just let it happen.

"Ha, ha, ha, Garry. Ha, ha, ha, Garry."

And within about three months of that happening,

I was in self-destruct mode until I left care,

and not once did anybody ask me if I was ever abused

when I was in children's homes.

Is it any wonder I had a deep distrust of adults

from ten years old onwards?

'This is me going back to visit a woman who tried to foster me

'when I was in Sycamore.

'It's funny, because the first time she met me,

basically what had happened is,

'her daughter Tracey's a year younger than me,

'and she snuck me into her home,

'and when she snuck me into her home she hid me in the linen cupboard,

'so at 6 o'clock in the morning, her mum's getting ready for work and puts her hand into the linen cupboard

'and what does she find? A wee 11-year-old laddie lying in the fucking linen cupboard.'

Hello?

-Hiya, is your name Roseann?

-Aye.

-Oh, you don't remember me, eh not?

-No.

Remember I was in a children's home - Garry?

-I was the wee laddie that you found in the...

-..Cupboard?

-Uh-huh.

-You're not the window cleaner? Are you taking the piss?

No, I'm not the window cleaner.

I only came through to see you, just to thank you.

Oh, right, are you Garry Fraser?

Anyway, I'm glad you're all right, son.

I think out of everybody, this was the place I wanted to come,

-when I was younger.

-Aye.

So I think, like, what I wanted to do the most

when I came through here was, like, thank you

for showing me affection and showing me, like,

what a family was like, because I came out of the homes like a nutter.

I thought, like, the way I came out the homes was like...

Well, when you came here you were calm and you loved it,

but then they dragged you away from here, then you just went...

That's the problem, they took me away from somewhere that was all right.

-That was right, they took you away.

-They plonked me in again!

Then you fought against them and done something wrong again.

Aye, it was like they didn't listen. I think this place would've been perfect.

I think your family, everything would've been perfect.

There wasn't any reason for them to be the way they were,

but I just don't think they listened that much.

So why did you never come back after you reached a certain age?

Once I started taking drugs, I started dealing them heavy.

I started going down to London. Hooked up with the Turkish Mafia.

-My God.

-And then came back up here, started dealing loads of heroin,

and then that's when I started hearing stories about Fife,

that Sinky was on this and so and so was on this,

and I'd never experienced any of that

and I wanted to come through in a big flash BM

and I thought, that's not me, like I didn't want to come back

through to Kirkcaldy like, "Look at me, I'm the big man."

As if, "Look at me now", aye, that's right.

I wanted to come back. I didn't ever...

-You didn't forget your roots, put it that way, eh?

-No, nothing like that.

-That's why I'm sort of back through here to...

-Oh, Garry. Oh, God, son.

God bless you, son, eh? What a shame.

It's not a shame, because everything's turned out brilliant.

'As I left Roseann, she gave me a letter,

'a letter that she must've kept back after all these years.

'This is what it read.'

"Dear Roseann. Hi, how's things?

"Are you still in hospital?

"I had to cry myself to sleep last night.

"I will probably have to do the same tonight.

"That's how depressing it is and I'm being God's honestly truthful.

"I've cried every night and day since I've got back.

"I got told I'm not allowed to phone you or nothing.

"I swear to God I'm going to go mad in this shit hole.

"Sorry I never got you a get well soon card.

"Well, if you're still in hospital you will be all right.

"Well, got to go. Love from Garry.

"PS I miss you very much and I love you and I will give you a tear".

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Connor, Thomas, Andy,

yous have got your characters, do you know what your characters are?

'I know these guys are at a critical age.

'I was at that age once as well.

'That's why I started Wideo Media.

'I'm so proud of them.

'Seeing them coming here every week doing what they do,

'doing something creative instead of getting into trouble

'on the street. That makes my life very, very special."

Cut. That's brilliant.

That's fucking amazing compared to last week.

That's what I just want to end it on, a fucking high like that.

Look at the difference from last week till now. Now yous are acting.

Now yous are beginning to understand characters, changing them.

I'm going to keep doing this and I'm always going to trip yous.

I'm always going to try and bounce it off,

cos I want to just see the difference between it all.

See the whole point of our project that we're doing here

is about knife culture, right?

Can I ask you just one question each, right,

is just your attitude on knife culture, that's all I want.

Just what yous think about knife culture.

The general thing about, especially in Muirhouse, Pilton, areas that,

he could be walking down the street analysing

his reasons for not carrying a knife and get plugged for nothing.

Well, I used to carry when I was like from the age of like 12 to 14,

and then that's when Garry came.

I think that's what changed me.

Garry showed me a path, of him doing film and I got very interested

and actually I asked you if I could come to college.

I don't agree with knife crime, I don't agree with knife culture.

I don't, I don't believe in it,

but obviously like I've been saying all night, I...

I'm not trying to glorify it either by what I'm saying,

it's just for me, it's one of these things that won't go away.

Yous are the ones that are realising yous have got potential.

Every one of yous - and I, on my bairns' life,

anything crossed, I'm not patronising yous -

I honestly believe every one of yous have got something special - I do -

and you can see it in yous, that more and more's coming out.

BABBLING

I went to the doctors last week - aye, last week -

and I was trying to tell them that I was struggling with the prescription that I'm on.

I was saying to them that I was having a problem

when it came to...

..maybe using again because I'm making a film...

..which has got a lot of emotional shit in it, blah, blah, blah, etc.

And the doctor's response to it was that they can get me

back to CDPS by Monday, which would've been last Monday.

So my plan is that I'm going to come off of these -

that's the plan -

so by the time that yous watch this film I'll be drug free.

By the time that I speak to the doctor I'll be drug free,

so it means they've got fuck all on me.

But this is the bottom end of drug addiction.

This is the...

This is the...

grassroots of drug addiction.

This is how they handle you.

One for anxiety.

Painkillers, when I'm not in pain,

but they've got opiates in them, so it numbs emotional pain.

The only bastard about taking drugs that numb emotional pain is when you come off,

it's like that pain's ten-folded and you'll probably see

that soon as well when I come off, when you see me lying on the bed.

The Government in this country is spending 28 million a year on methadone

to deal with heroin addicts.

That's what I call a successful dealer, but I think it's a waste of money.

It's a fucking disgrace.

Methadone just keeps people like me trapped into the system.

'I never thought I'd end up growing up and turning into a junkie.

'I didn't think that would happen to me, not on my path.

'At 16 years old, when I came out the secure units,

'I was so fit that I was advised to join the Marines or the Army,

'but then I tried my first drug, Dihydrocodeine, DFs,

'and my career in the drug world took off from there.'

Oh, this is fucking weird, like, coming back up here.

This is where I got my first flat after being in the young offenders'.

Done a lot of damage up here, like.

This is probably where my life changed.

I used to be under surveillance from two of these top flats

from the West End bizzies when I used to deal my smack up here.

I used to control all the heroin at one, two, three, four - four streets,

five, five streets.

I made so much money.

Come on, we'll try and go on my old stair and see what the fuck happens.

I'll show you what I done to the back doors -

and this is why I never ever got any healthy sentences up here.

See the lock on the door?

All of these back greens have got certain locks on them

that I took off, so when I ran out, when I got chased off the polis,

or I knew that the polis were coming,

or I knew somebody was coming to my door,

or just say that I was wanting to go out stealing,

cos a lot of the shit that we done

was at night-time, so it's quite hard when you're...

This is quite dark at night and all these back greens are really dark,

so what I done was went out with a screwdriver

and took the lock off of this door

and about eight other doors in the back greens,

so I could run out from here into this back square

and then choose about three doors,

go into one of them, be out another street,

and the polis were always chasing their tail.

Shit.

Even when I had a habit and that I was still trying to do stuff

like go to college or try and do something for myself,

not be a waster, basically, and then on the Easter break from college

I took a bag of smack, I was sick all about the place.

I think we all thought by burning heroin, it was different.

It was a different feeling by burning heroin what it was to

injecting it, and you couldn't get a habit if you burnt it,

and the cunts in Trainspotting, they were from the 80's,

they were all dafties, we're different,

and it's a lot cooler when you've got a bit of foil in your hand.

Obviously it wasn't, but it seemed like that at the time.

It just seemed like that was a fashionable thing to do

and every cunt was doing it - and I mean like fucking pure random.

I used to come out and every cunt was sitting out here, like literally

open my window, "Right, who's wanting?"

And you used to have like four here, four in there,

cos I wasn't letting cunts up to the house.

I became more violent.

What I done, we just rattled this cunt's knee about, I don't know,

about 20 times, 30 times, with a ballpoint hammer,

and then the guy tried to stand up and when he stood up,

his leg folded backwards,

so it went like in on itself, and me and Ronnie were like, "Ew."

So if we were like that,

you can just imagine what the fucking guy's scream was like

and that just made me feel even more fucking invincible,

that I was just going to keep managing to do what I was doing

and there wasn't going to be any consequences for my actions.

The last time that I was here...

The last time that I was here

was probably what you would call rock bottom.

I think most alkies or most junkies and that

say you've got to hit rock bottom first,

and I hit rock bottom with the crack.

In hindsight, looking back on it, I pretty much say the reason

that I never got caught is because the West End polis were

probably building up a big massive case on me,

so if I'd kept on the path that I was going,

the bizzies would've got me, but because I fucked up with the crack

I just started taking the crack and then before I knew it

I was spending like a grand a day on crack.

The person that I was when I was here just isn't inside me any more.

I don't know if I believe in God or that, or not, but I know that

if there is such a thing as God, and there is a heaven or a hell,

for the shit that I've done on this stair, definitely I'm going to hell.

MOBILE RINGS

It's like you've rung a door bell and it's fucking stuck.

I can just imagine like a wee immigrant

or something like that there.

-'Hi, Garry.'

-Hiya.

'The results are here, but I can't really read them.

'Do you want to phone back about...half past 11

'and you can speak to one of the doctors and they'll go through it with you?'

-Aye, that'd be brilliant. Thank you.

-'OK?'

-Thank you very much.

-'OK.'

-Cheers, bye.

Daddy! Daddy.

Daddy!

Daddy!

Do you want milk? Listen, you have to go sleepy now.

Do you want some milk? Want some milk? Mummy'll put it there.

No, you go sleepy now.

I'll put it there.

Say "night night". Night night, Destiny.

Do you remember this? When Garry Jay was lying in his cot?

When did you first know that you had fallen in love with me?

I first heard about you in Dalry.

You were the one that tortured people.

You were the one that put somebody's head through a wall.

I think the first time that I knew that we were in love was when

I first took that pregnancy test and sadly, obviously, we miscarried.

I just remember lying up in my dad's for that long,

just cuddling into you.

You made me feel so safe and just so... It was hard for the both

of us, but obviously everybody felt sorry for me and I felt

sorry for you because nobody seemed to think it affected you.

Do you know what I mean?

Mmm. What was it like to see me getting stabbed?

I tell you what,

that was one of the most scariest moments of my life

and I did always say to you when I first met you

that I'm going to see you getting stabbed with your own blade

and it happened and I knew it was going to happen one day,

and I remember going up the lift in Oxgangs

and being absolutely petrified cos all I seen was blood everywhere.

When I first met my wife, Angela,

I didn't think I'd ever seen anything so beautiful in all my life.

I proposed to her within the first week after taking her out on a date.

Angela was definitely my first love.

Without a doubt, the turning point for me was when Garry Jay,

our first son, was born. I think that once I cut that cord I knew something,

even back then, had to change.

We now have three lovely kids and I love them all dearly.

I know our lives would be much better off

if I could come off all the drugs and beat my addiction.

I wish there was a magic way out,

but in real life it doesn't work like that.

This isn't a fucking fairy tale.

'I haven't taken any drugs.

'I want to come off, but withdrawing is hard as fuck,

'and it's hitting me really hard.

'This is my second night rattling.

'Two days without fuck all, and I feel pure shit.'

'This is my second night rattling, two days without fuck all,

'I feel fucking shit.'

My nose is runny.

Diarrhoea's just coming out me. I can't even film it.

I'm not even going to get anybody to film it cos it's just fucking...

It's too hard.

I keep having panic attacks - like, left, right and centre I'm having panic attacks.

Oh.

I just think to myself, "Why the fuck have I chose to do this

"in the middle of a film?"

Especially my first fucking film.

Why did I chose to try and do this in the middle of my...

Why did I try and chose to do this in the middle of my first film?

Every time before, like, I've rattled in the jail...

..or rattled somewhere else.

Like, "rattling" just means withdrawing.

Every time I've done it, I've done it.

I don't know - maybe I've done the fucking wrong thing,

especially trying to do it like this. Like, I want my film to be good.

I want my film to show people certain things.

I want my story to show people certain things and...

..you cannae do it if you're having fucking panic attacks

and in the morning I'm supposed to be out working or doing something.

I'm supposed to be doing something...to do with the film,

to do with the story.

I want to shoot this video diary. I really do want to shoot this video diary.

I want to show people what it's like to come off opiates,

just on camera.

I don't think I'm going to manage to do it.

I really don't think I'm going to manage to do it.

HE GROANS

LIGHTER CLICKS

This is...

Well, er... I hate doing this shit - like being on valium or whatever,

but I think if you've noticed one thing by now...

..I dinnae ken what I'm talking about. What the fuck am I doing?

Just cut. I dinnae ken what I'm doing.

'I feel ashamed for taking the smack.

'I feel dirty for taking the smack, for relapsing.

'Nobody will give me a harder time for relapsing than me.

'I don't know.

'Me being expressive in the way I am...'

'..it takes my mind off of having a habit.

'It takes my mind off of where I came from.

'It takes my mind off of my past.

'It takes my mind off of...

'everything that's bad in my life

'because when you're me, you want to just do everything.

'You want to taste everything. I want to go everywhere. I want...

'But you don't understand how you cannae. It's like, "Well, how can I not go to Spain?

' "How can I not go to Berlin? How can I not do all that stuff?"

'You've got to understand why you can't

'and it's like ambition and achievement is in me,

'but I just dinnae ken where it's gone - do you know what I mean?

'When you're on the drugs,

'that ambition and achievement is definitely suppressed,

'so you don't feel half as bad about being a failure.'

This is the road that we all used to fight and play at.

That's where I got the scar on my head.

I still don't know whether to believe half the stories that I've been told now.

This was me, Garry, at four years old.

My dad climbing up that drainpipe when he was drunk, trying to kidnap me.

I don't know why my mum moved about so much.

I don't know why I went from pillar to post.

I was just about killed when my mum moved across this side.

See, to outsiders this doesn't mean much,

but this is Pilton and where I come from is Muirhouse.

I used to have to get chased along these streets

to get into my mum's house, where she stayed with her boyfriend.

Just as soon as I get closer to that flat, though,

the smells, the shouting, the feelings come back as if it just happened yesterday.

I can still hear my wee sister greeting as the belt hits her.

I wasn't really that bothered about the pain of the belt.

Even at a young age, I just couldn't understand why my mum let her boyfriend hit me.

I'm not just talking about hit -

I'm talking about whipping with a rubber diving belt.

Now everything's different. I never, ever thought I'd be back here like this.

I've proved my mum wrong. I've proven them all wrong.

I'm not going to spend my whole life in the jail.

Mum doesn't want to take part in this film.

That doesn't surprise me.

I think Ella's always been too scared to face the truth,

but I need to go back to my dad,

just to ask him why.

Why did all this fucking happen?

How did everything in my whole life become so fucked up?

'I could come through here and just go straight into conflict with my old man

'and I could just say to him, "Why did you hit me like I was a fucking man when I was just a child?

' "Why did you do it?" But that's pointless.

'That's not intelligence. That's just telling youse what happened.

'I actually want to show youse.

'And to show youse what happened, I can't have that aggression and conflict there.

'It needs to be... an observational point of view.

'When you're the...'

'..person on the other end of that belt...'

'..it's very hard to have an observational point of view,'

but let's see how good a film-maker I am

by having an impartial, observational point of view.

I don't know why I'm so scared.

Nervous. Don't know why I'm so nervous.

Hey, you ugly bastard.

Right. Er...

When you're looking back on your own life and stuff like that,

how do you feel about it?

I just wish I could turn the clock back.

-Do you?

-But whether you would do the same again

if you turned the clock back, it would be a different...

You dinnae ken if you'd do the same carry on or not.

Was there always a lot of fighting between you and Mum?

I can't remember. I can just remember a couple of arguments.

I think it was just more arguing all the time.

Just through money, as usual.

-Money, money, money?

-That's it.

-See temper - do you think temper's been a problem for you?

-Oh, aye.

I've not got a bad temper now, not compared to what it was like years ago.

-Do you your old age has sort of just mellowed you out a bit?

-Aye.

-Wiser?

-Aye.

I think I've inherited your temper. I've got it.

-I just can't control it sometimes.

-Aye, well, I'm the same, pal.

I'm not bad now, not compared to what it used to be years ago.

When I first started running away and stuff like that,

how did that make you feel, like when I first started running away?

Ach, I just didnae ken if I was coming or going.

When you ran away, you just went to the phone box

and you phoned the polis and the polis come and got you and brought you home.

-Aye. Can you remember the time that my Uncle Shaun and everybody was in the house?

-Aye.

I think that was, like, the last time that I was here

before they took me away to foster care or something like that.

-Yeah.

-Do you remember that time?

-Er...

-Aye, cos when the polis brought you back in,

I was going to hit you and the polis said, "If you hit him we'll do you with assault."

-Aye, well...

-Just temper-wise.

-You had a healthy reputation for a fighter and that in the pubs and that, as well.

-Aye.

I bet you can't remember half of your fights, no?

Och, half the times it was through stupidness, but I wouldnae...

I would bang them first before I... Before I'd ask questions.

I'd hit them and then I would ask questions after it.

Not now. I'd rather have a pint of beer and walk away.

-Aye.

-Fuckin' safer.

How did Granddad discipline you?

Just used to batter us.

With his... Like his hands or was it like a skelped arse or belt?

Sometimes I got a skelped arse, sometimes we got the belt.

It depends how bad... How bad you've been.

Like, I remember like you skelping my bum and stuff like that,

-like, and with the belt.

-Aye.

See, do you think you just done exactly the way...

Obviously less, cos it wasn't as sore as what obviously you got from Granddad, but do you think

-it's a generation thing?

-Aye, aye.

-You learned from your dad and disciplined like that?

-That's it.

Shut that door.

Er... So how does it feel?

How did it feel when I first came back into your life now?

It's good. It was good just to get back into a relationship again.

Cos it was like, you think you were never going to get in contact again, eh?

It made me feel a lot better an' all. It wasn't... Not telling any lies,

I was quite happy when I got to ken you again.

I'd not seen you for that fucking long.

Once we got back together, it was fucking brilliant.

-I didn't ever think we'd have a relationship again.

-Well, I was the same frame of mind as well, eh,

but we got back together and that's the main.

-I think it took me to become a man to realise what a man was...

-That's it.

-..and his frustrations and what...

-You realise what hassle you caused an' all, eh?

-Right, no bother.

-Cheers. Thank you.

-Right, no problem.

Speak to you some time.

'Without a doubt, education saved my life.

'I've come back to the college where I first learned how to use a camera,

'to speak to my ex-lecturer and see what it was like for him

'actually having a student like me.'

-How are you doing?

-You all right?

-How you keeping?

The chance that you gave me definitely saved my life, or the...

The opportunity that was presented.

I remember going up to the old college...

I think it was you that sort of did it, really,

cos, I mean, my instinct was, you know,

"This guy's like obviously on something and, you know,

"there's no way," just looking at you, "that he's going to, like, be able to succeed in the media,"

cos you know what media people are like.

And so I'm, like, making an instant judgement there,

but then you were so determined, and you kept coming round and pushing me and pushing me.

I thought, "What the hell? Give it a shot. If he..."

I said, "If you finish your NC, I'll let you on the course."

But you were the first person to show me what I looked like on drugs.

We done a mock interview and the mock interview we done, I was...

I was on my normal prescription and we showed it back upstairs.

You never showed it to anybody else.

You just put it on and I remember how stoned I actually looked

and I thought that I put myself across in such a presentable way.

I came in with a suit and that on, I think.

I came with my suit and that on and I gave the mock interview.

When I looked at it back,

that was the first ever time that I'd seen,

"This is what people see with Garry, then."

And for me, that was time to come off.

-Aye.

-That was one of those moments where it was like,

"No, this is time to start really looking to getting clean and coming off."

The noticeable changes were,

obviously coming off the drugs...

I mean, I remember you trying to come off the methadone once or twice and that was a struggle.

So seeing that and you were consciously aware that that was a problem for you

and you were, you know, working... Working through it.

You also used to mention Garry Jay a lot.

You know, you used to say Garry Jay was a turning point in your life,

and so as a family guy, you know,

I mean, I think that was driving you, as well.

I mean, and you were driven.

For the writing now, I really feel like there's a moral responsibility that I've got

that the previous experience that I've got...

is all dripped in blood.

Yeah, that's one of the things that always...

That sort of blew me away when you'd written the...

I can't remember which draft it was. You did do the draft.

You did several drafts of scripts of Tolerance.

-It wasn't called that then. What was...

-Green.

Green, aye. And I said, "Yeah, it's all right, it's good,

"but there's something wrong with the end. You know, the end's not really working.

"I mean, what you need is an end that makes people go 'Wow, I've never seen that before.' "

And I said, "So, away you go." And so you went away and you came back and I thought,

"Bloody hell, that's amazing! Where did that come from?"

That thing about the ambulance guy standing outside the door

and being scared to come in or not being allowed to come in. You know, I thought...

That never even occurred to me that that might happen and yet, it happens, obviously.

People like me wear their heart on their sleeves.

Outspoken.

Not afraid to...

speak about social issues that...

other people shy away from.

Sometimes in life you've just got to nail your colours to the mast

and that's what I've done when it's come to the film-making.

I've decided not to be a criminal, not to be a drug dealer...

help bairns...

..and nail my colours to the mast

that this is what makes sense to me - being creative...

..and experiencing different colours and how to use everything to your advantage.

This is the fourth time I've tried to get my results

so I'm just going to go into the doctors' and... Fuck it.

We'll see, eh?

Negative.

The result was negative.

It's just some chance to play, eh?

This is the area that taught me everything that I needed to know to survive on the streets.

This is where all my family were.

All my life, I ran away in search of a family that wanted to love me,

but now I've got one of my own.

I'm a proud father with two daughters and a son.

BANGING AND LAUGHTER

The drinks for her, eh? Mummy try and find 'em the day.

Hugs?

-Ah, no, no, no, no!

-SHE CHUCKLES

GIRL CHATTERS

It's funny coming down here.

This is the last-ever place that I was innocent.

This is the place where I jumped about with my first-ever...

..crew or whatever... It's not even a crew, just fucking stupid bairns.

And I think...

there's two of us left alive out of the five of us that were down here that day, probably.

Maybe this whole fucking world just doesn't make sense to me

and that's just the way it's supposed to be.

Being a writer/director, it's not a job.

It's all I know and it's the only thing that keeps me out of trouble.

And it makes my kids proud and it makes my family proud

and I've beaten all the odds.

And I can take some pride in the fact I am who I am

and I'll continue my life and keep making films in my very own Garry Fraser way.

-RAPS:

-Product of some raw living

Heading for a Scottish prison

Fuck your flawed system I've risen above the law

Listen, I've been to hell and back

Smoking crack, selling smack

Trying to get my story straight so I can tell it back

So I'd go nuts

The youngest Scot they'd ever locked up

So fucked, naebody understands the way I've grown up

I've been through physical and sexual abuse

Living with prostitutes peddling themselves for a boost

The drug and thug culture

I'm stuck with bloodthirsty vultures

And I wonder what I've done to get my lung punctured.