Music Hall Meltdown

This programme contains some strong language

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome onto the Clapham Grand stage,

Mr Phill Jupitus! CHEERING

My lords, ladies and gentlemen,

what a fine, magical evening of music hall mystery

we have concocted for... Nobody's dressed up!

No-one else is wearing the gear! They said they'd be wearing the g...

I went to a clinic in west London. These were on Betty Boothroyd 12 hours ago.

And not upstairs either!

Have those, mate. You look like you could use them.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a fine evening for you of music hall mayhem!

CHEERING

And to kick it off in fine style, a musical turn, ladies and gentlemen.

Seven young men from north London who charge extra for coming south of the Thames.

CHEERING

Men who are worth every shilling.

While I nip offstage and beat the crap out of a researcher,

would you please welcome...MADNESS!

CHEERING

# Good morning, miss

# Can I help you, son?

# 16 today

# And out for fun

# I'm a big boy now or so they say

# So if you serve, I'll be on my way

# Box of balloons with the feather-light touch

# Pack of party poppers that pop in the night

# A toothbrush and hairspray Plastic grin

# Miss Clay on all corners has just walked in

# Welcome to the House of Fun

# Now I've come of age

# Welcome to the House of Fun

# Welcome to the lion's den

# Temptation's on his way

# Welcome to the House of... #

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the theatre tonight.

What was it again?

# N-n-n-n-n-n-no, no, miss

# You have misunderstood

# 16 big boy

# A full pint in my manhood

# I'm up to date and the date's today

# So if you serve, I'll be on my way

# Welcome to the House of Fun

# Now I've come of age

# Welcome to the lion's den

# Temptation's on his way

# Welcome to the House of... #

Ice cream!

Ice cream!

And his amazing dancing teeth!

# I'm sorry, son

# But we don't stock

# Party gimmicks

# In this shop

# Try the House of Fun

# It's quicker if you run

# This is a chemist

# Not a joke shop

# Party hats

# Simple enough, clear

# Comprehende, savvy, understand

# Well, do you hear?

# A pack of party hats

# With the coloured tips

# Too late!

# Gorgon's heard gossip

# "Well, hello, Joe Hello, Miss Clay

# Many happy returns from the day

# Welcome to the House of Fun

# Now I've come of age

# Welcome to the House of Fun

# Welcome to the lion's den

# Temptation's on his way

# Welcome to the House of Fun

# Welcome to the House of Fun

# Now I've come of age

# Welcome to the House of Fun

# Welcome to the lion's den

# Temptation's on his way

# Welcome to the House of Fun

# Welcome to the House of Fun. # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your co-host for this evening, Mr Marcus Brigstocke!

Hello!

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I am Marcus Brigstocke.

What a wonderful knees-up we are having here this evening!

You don't mind me coming in your box there, madam? There's saucy!

Now, what's gonna be on next, I wonder?

Is it gonna be a mind-reading bicyclist

who sets fire to budgerigars to the theme of Crash, Bang, Wallop, What A Picture?

No, I highly doubt it because Phill Jupitus has just come backstage

and said that everybody was dressed up and I'd better put this on.

What a thundering bollock I now feel!

Never mind, ladies and gentlemen, we have got a truly fantastic evening of entertainment for you.

And now I'm going to introduce someone

who I believe to be one of the funniest people I have ever met

and I have met six people.

Ladies and gentlemen, please clap until the meat falls off your hands

for the wonderful Mr Milton Jones!

CHEERING

So, good evening.

AUDIENCE: Hello!

I've just come back from Australia.

CHEERING Thanks. It's great to be back.

While I was there, I learnt some Aborigine words,

like "boo" which means "to return"

cos when you throw an ordinary meringue...

I've just come back from Holland.

CHEERING

Thanks. It's great to be back.

While I was there, I was in a fish restaurant.

The bloke on the table next to me began to cough. I ignored him.

He began to choke. I still ignored him.

Then he began to choke really badly

so in the end, I stood up and I smacked him on the back really hard.

Anyway, it turns out he was just speaking Dutch.

That works with Welsh as well.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet

and he sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I'd phoned Dial-A-Llama.

Did you ever have a conversation with someone and towards the end they say, "Well, I'll let you go"?

And you think, "Yeah, thanks.

"Oh, I see what you're saying -

"you're trying to make me think that you think I've got better things to do,

"but in reality, you're saying that YOU'VE got better things to do."

Next time someone says that to you,

say, "NO!"

Shut the door.

If they make a sudden dive for the window, grab them by the ankles.

As they're dangling four storeys above the car park, screaming, "This has all been a terrible mistake!"

say, "OK, I'll let you go."

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work,

beekeepers are gonna be furious.

The pollen count...

That's a difficult job.

Especially if you've got hay fever.

One sneeze and you have to start again.

I didn't have a very good summer last year. I set up a clinic for colonic irrigation.

But the hosepipe ban hit us hard.

Incredible to think, isn't it, that every single Scotsman started out as a Scotch egg.

Cold and gingery.

Any Scotsmen here?

-Yes!

-I've got a bit of Scottish blood myself

on a kitchen knife.

I enjoy playing Scottish music

on my Och-iPod.

I'm very English, really. I even ordered a book on the internet -

How To Have Absolutely Nothing To Do With Your Neighbours.

Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

-Militant feminists!

-Woo!

-Woo!

I take my hat off to them. They don't like that.

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs - I don't think so.

Retired mermaids.

The worst job I ever had was forensic pathologist for the United Nations.

I remember uncovering the mass grave of 1,000 snowmen.

Fortunately...

it turned out to be a field full of carrots.

Well, it's been great to be here.

To be honest...

People say that as well. "Do you mean everything you've said so far hasn't been honest?

"How can we trust what you're gonna say now?"

Anyway, you've been a great audience, but to be honest...

I'll let you go.

CHEERING Very good.

My life hasn't been entirely wasted.

After all, I was the man who discovered DNA.

Woo!

I wasn't gonna call it that, but I was giving a lecture to the Royal Society.

I said, "Gentlemen, I believe I have discovered the genetic fingerprint of all human life!

"Ta-da!"

APPLAUSE

That's all from me. Thank you very much, good night. CHEERING

Hello! HELLO!

CHEERING

People of London!

So we're now here in the balcony where, back in the ye olde days of music hall,

the landowners would live and throw meat and butlers onto the poor.

But of course it's not like that now cos nobody can afford property in south London!

Anyhow, onwards and upwards,

one of the facets of the music hall industry is of course the magic act

or the prestidigitation as they used to call it then.

Quite rightly, people who practised it were burnt at the stake.

However, things have moved on and now magic is sexy and fabulous

and the kind of thing that makes ladies tingle downstairs.

If you don't believe me, look at these two young men coming on the stage now.

Please welcome the curious stylings of...Barry and Stuart!

CHEERING

It's Mr Barry Jones.

WOLF WHISTLE

6'3", two eyes,

only one functioning testicle.

With an emo haircut like that, it's clear to all that he's got a Myspace.

The thing is that he's only got one friend - Horny For Love, 69.

That's his mum.

OMG!

Barry also likes to think of himself as a bit of an artist.

Tosser.

He spends many a lonely night staring at a blank canvas, waiting for inspiration to strike.

Oh, look, he's found a muse - a girl down at the front.

He throws her the flower.

Gives her a smile.

She flashes Barry her right breast.

In her mind.

Barry takes that inspiration and furiously lets his creativity spill forth onto the page.

He draws the most beautiful thing humanity has ever beheld.

A circle. Does the circle represent the artist's empty soul?

Does it represent the cyclical nature of reality?

Or is it just a massive tit?

He decides to add some detail - some shapes up there,

some shading and texture down there.

It makes his drawing almost lifelike.

He now gives his work a name, the usual pretentious name will do,

Untitled 1 or something like that.

Oh, look, he's calling it Bowling Ball. How enigmatic(!)

Displeased with his design, he covers it up.

He spirals downwards into a state of manic depression.

He decides to give up drawing and takes up sculpture.

Ohhh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Barry!

That's Barry Jones there, also available in straight.

Please make some noise for king AND queen of the hermaphrodites, Stuart!

CHEERING, HORSE NEIGHS

5'8". Arms like Samson. Face like broken Ryvita crackers.

Stuart is the keeper of puzzles,

many of which he keeps... in his mouth.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

His favourite puzzle of all is the Rubik's Cube,

except when they're all mixed up.

That mix of colours just gives Stuart a headache.

And although he likes to think himself the keeper of puzzles,

he's certainly not the solver of them,

for every time he moves the bits around, the puzzle remains completely mixed up.

So he has to cheat.

He uses his magic to solve the cube in mid-air.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A feat so impressive that the girl at the front shows Stuart her right breast.

Come on, it was worth a try!

Then, overcome with the guilt of using his magic to solve the Rubik's Cube,

he pretends the whole thing never happened

and he just makes the cube...disappear.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's Stuart!

CHEERING

Thanks. Right, we're gonna need a willing volunteer from the crowd.

Me!

Now, we understand it can be quite stressful coming up here what with the lights and all the people

and the cameras so you, sir, you right there, make your way to the stage.

Keeps your hands where we can see them. Give him a round of applause!

CHEERING

Come on, come up the stairs.

Keep moving, a little faster than that.

Stand right there.

Right, you got a mobile phone on you?

You got a phone on you? Face the people!

Take it out or we'll kick your nuts right off.

Yeah, then we'll stamp on your empty scrotum.

Give him your phone or we'll give you a wet willy.

With a knife! Come on, give it here!

What you've just witnessed is a mugging.

Sorry about that one, Victim.

-But we did it to prove a point.

-Why don't you tell them what that point is?

-Love to.

The point is a pocket isn't a safe place to keep a mobile phone.

Where do you think's the safest place to keep your mobile?

Shoes?

-No.

-It's inside you.

-Right inside you.

You know, behind your skin.

-That's a pretty nifty shirt you've got on today.

-Thanks.

-Where did you get that shirt from?

-Oh, thank you.

It was Harry's House of Hetero-Retro Fashions.

Just next to Gary's Garage of Gay Garments, you'll know where that is.

-Was it expensive?

-It was about £4,500.

-WOLF WHISTLE, CHEERING

-Reasonable.

I don't know what you're worrying about. You don't look pigeon-chested.

-You look all right.

-Come on, Barry, just hurry up.

Here's how we get your phone into his skin.

-You ready, Stuart?

-Aye!

Aaaaaah!

Aaaaah!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Aaaaaaah!

Aaaaaah!

Aaaaaah!

Aaaaaah!

Thanks, Barry. Now your phone is somewhere near my liver.

To show you the phone's precise location,

we've conveniently brought along this X-ray machine.

Before the show started, I had a barium drink,

a special radioactive fluid.

It means that your phone should show up on an X-ray picture.

I've got this photographic plate

that means a picture will develop here, showing the exact location of your mobile phone.

-I'll just take an image now.

-TING!

Oh! Barry, I think it's done.

Let's have a look.

Well, looking at that completely real and in no way fake picture,

I can tell that that mobile phone is poking right into your cock.

Potential victims - listen up.

This is the safest place in the world to keep your phone

because no mugger can get his hands on it.

After all, there is only one way you can get it out.

Do it, Barry.

Aaaaaah!

You've missed it.

I know I missed it!

Pull your arm out and try again.

I can't get my arm back, it's stuck.

Stuart, I'm gonna have to go forward.

Oh God! Aaaaah!

Shitting hell!

Aaaaah!

When was the last time you clipped your nails, man?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, I found your phone!

Take it, take it.

Is it your phone?

It is now!

All right, go back and sit down.

Yeah. Never again will you be called a victim.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, Barry, could you get out of my stomach now?

You're on my bladder and I really need a piss.

-All right, but I think we should make a big thing of this.

-What do you mean?

-Like a grand finale.

-Like a grand ending with music and lights?

-Yeah, one of them.

-All right.

FANFARE

Stuart...I'm going to do a back flip!

A back flip? Wow!

CHEERING

This is exactly what it would have been like back in those days

and one of the reasons we at the BBC thought it'd be great if we revived the music halls tradition.

I don't know if any of you read the papers,

but TB and syphilis are back so why not music hall as well to give that authentic feeling?

For your delight, on the stage now, ladies and gentlemen,

a man who describes himself as Britain's most wanted children's act.

Would you please welcome to the stage...Mr Jeremy Lion!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

Good evening. My name is... HE BELCHES

My name is Jeremy Lion...

..children's entertainer!

HE BELCHES

It is an extraordinary pleasure for me to be here this evening

in this wonderful Edwardian theatre/leisure centre... HE BELCHES

..to perform for you in my capacity as...

HE BELCHES Jesus!

I'm gonna stop and apologise for a second.

I've got a tiny pocket of wind trapped just below my ribs.

I don't normally get that sort of... HE BELCHES

I'm not entirely sure where that's come from. Earlier on this morning,

I ate 142 mint Poppets for a bet with my hairdresser

and one of them appears to have... HE BELCHES

..to have become lodged just below my sternum,

so apologies for that.

It's causing me some... HE BELCHES ..discomfort.

Now, I'm going to sing a special children's counting song.

A special treat for you. I shall be joined on stage and please welcome him...

HE BELCHES Please welcome him onto the stage,

my pianist, Mr Leslie Keyworth!

Come on, Leslie, on you come! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We thought we'd do something rather special for you.

It's Edwardian, it's music hall.

Now, let us take you forward in time for a bit of a festive treat.

It's Christmas!

Ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass of mulled wine with me

as I sing... HE BELCHES Jesus!

You'd think a Poppet would melt after six hours!

Raise a glass as I sing for you all my beautiful children's counting classic,

The Twelve Days of Christmas. Thank you, Leslie.

# On the first day of Christmas My true love sent to me

# A partridge in a pear tree... #

CHEERING

# On the second day of Christmas My true love sent to me

# Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree... #

CHEERING

You see how it works.

# On the third day of Christmas My true love sent to me

# Three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge...

# On the fourth day of Christmas My true love sent to me

# Four calling birds Three French hens

# Two French hens and a partridge... #

# On the fifth day of Christmas My true love sent to me

# FIVE GOLD RINGS!

# Four calling birds Three French hens

# Two and a partridge... #

Let's go!

# On the sixth day of Christmas My true love sent... #

-HE BELCHES What's six?

-Geese.

-Are you sure?

-I'm not sure it's geese.

-It says "geese".

# Six geese a-milking

# FIVE GOLD RINGS!

# Four boiling cans Three bent hens

# Two turtles' heads and... #

# On the seventh day of Christmas My true love sent to me... #

HE BELCHES

# Seven brides for seven brothers

# Six milky geese

# FIVE GOLD RINGS!

# Four boiling cans Three bent pens

# Two furry gloves and a partridge... #

Spot-on! HE BELCHES

-What are we on, four?

-Eight.

# On the eighth day of Christmas My true love sent to me... #

# Eight legs on a spider

# Seven legs on a weirdo

# Six legs on an insect

# FIVE GOLD RINGS!

# Four legs on a table

# Three on a stool

# Two on a cat

# And a partridge... #

-On a cat?

-Yes, on a cat!

If it was on its hind legs, boxing.

Must you question everything I do?

-What are we on, four?

-Ten.

# On the tenth day of Christmas My true love sent to me... #

# The Ten O'Clock News

# The Nine O'Clock News

# Eight O'Clock News The Seven O'Clock News

# Six O'Clock News

# FIVE GOLD RINGS!

# Four O'Clock News The Two O'Clock News

# And some news about a partridge. #

I got a bit lost there but I don't think anyone noticed.

-LAUGHTER

-Eleven.

# On the eleventh day of Christmas My true love sent to me... #

HE BELCHES

# Oceans Eleven... #

LAUGHTER

# Ten with Bo Derek

# Nine and a half weeks

# Police Academy Eight

# Uh...Seven with Brad Pitt

# Six Degrees of Separation

# FIVE GOLD RINGS

# Four a Few Dollars More

# Three Musketeers

# Two-mb Raider And a partridge... #

We have now...

We have now reached...

..day twelve

of my twelve-step drinking challenge.

Raise your glasses as I sing for you now The Twelve Days of Christmas.

# On the twelfth day of Christmas My true love sent to me

# Twelve Angry Men

# Eleven legs on a spider on a stool

# Ten Angry Men

# Two of them have just calmed down

# Nine years since she left

# Eight Angry Men

# Two of them found some Prozac in a bin

# Seven legs on a buggered spider

# Six of your fucking geese

# FIVE GOLD RINGS... #

Count me down!

Four...

Three...

Two...

ALL: # And a partridge in a pear tree. #

Merry Christmas and good night to all.

Hello, my marvellous music hall muppets.

Good evening, how are you?

Now...time for some music. I know what you're thinking.

"Has he booked Lily Allen?"

No. I've placed Lily Allen in a hessian sack...

in an arch under Waterloo

and made her promise that she will no longer taint the world

with her dreadful Mockney bollocks.

CHEERING AND JEERING

-MOCKNEY ACCENT:

-I go round town and it looks nice

And then I think, "No, it's not"

I get a bit tired then and I rely on my dad's career to make me famous

Na-na-na.

-CHEERING

-No, ladies and gentlemen,

you will not have to tolerate any such nonsense.

Now would you welcome the achingly talented,

the wonderful, the beautiful Mr Hudson and the Library.

# I've read quite a few of the books that you see

# High on the shelves of this library

# They teach me how to think

# But now I think too much

# Much too much

# Something's not right There's a hole in my life

# So I wander the clubs Looking for some soul, some life

# All I find is you

# But you make me laugh

# And that's a start

# You ask me

# What tune is this?

# I don't know but I like it

# I like it

# If you ask the DJ

# On Monday I'll buy you it

# What tune is this?

# My neighbours won't like it

# My neighbours won't like it

# Don't

# Don't, darling, leave

# Roll down the steps for the annual ball

# Watch out, boys divide And heads line the wall

# All I see is you

# You know she drinks too much

# Well, then, I talk too much

# Something's not right There's a hole in my life

# I wander the Grand Looking for some soul and some life

# But all I find is you

# And you make me laugh

# That's a start

# You ask me

# What tune is this?

# I don't know but I like it

# I like it

# If you ask the DJ

# On Monday I'll buy you it

# What tune is this?

# My neighbours despise it

# My neighbours won't like it

# If you ask the DJ

# On Monday I'll buy you it

# And then we'll dance through the yard

# Till the neighbours decide they don't like it

# We're gonna dance through the yard

# Till the neighbours decide they don't like it

# Oh, we're gonna dance through the yard

# Till the neighbours decide they don't like it

# We're gonna dance through the yard

# Till the neighbours decide they don't like it

# But who are we to care?

# What tune is this? #

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, in the days of the music hall

it was Marie Lloyd who perhaps cornered the market in female filth.

She had a couple of songs...

She had one called She Sits Among The Cabbages And Peas.

LAUGHTER

And she had a recruiting song

about fancying a Scottish soldier called Oh, I Do Like a Cocky One in Khaki.

-LAUGHTER

-I'm only hoping that things have moved on a little

as we present a lady to the stage, ladies and gentlemen.

-CHEERING

-Welcome the wonderful comedy of Miss Jo Caulfield.

WHISTLING AND CHEERING

Thank you.

Wow!

I like that. That's lovely. Applause for walking.

I feel like Heather McCartney.

Oh, come on!

Am I the only person who thinks that woman should just shut the hell up?

CHEERING

You're going to get about 30 million

for shagging an old man for four years. Be happy!

LAUGHTER There's women all over the country

going, "I've been doing it for 20 and I'm going to get bugger all."

Now, I have to tell you

I did a very stupid thing on Saturday.

I went to my local shopping centre on a Saturday.

Stupid. I don't know if it's the same where you are.

Saturday, the place is packed with teenagers.

And their children.

Isn't it?

I hadn't been to one for a while. I went to an Argos.

People here been to an Argos? AUDIENCE: Yes.

People in the posh seats a bit confused possibly.

They're going, "Is it like John Lewis? I really don't know."

They're not sure.

If you've never been to one, you should go.

Because I'm sure you'd walk in and go, "What the hell is this place?!"

They're not like any other shops in the world.

For a start, I'm looking at the people, "This is weird."

Everyone's dressed for the gym but you know no-one's going.

Honest to God, I felt like phoning up Crimewatch UK.

"You know those people you're looking for? I've found them."

"No, all of them. Bring a van."

"Hurry. They're distracted. They're looking at catalogues."

It's a weirdly complicated system because you have to fill in the form,

then you take the form, queue up, you get a number,

then you have to queue up and wait for the number to be called.

But everyone in there knows the system.

Because they designed it to be as much like signing on as possible.

It's genius, isn't it?

And they give them those little pens

so they think they're in the bookmaker's as well.

Amazingly, Argos, it's like Harrods for chavs.

That's what it is.

< WOMAN SQUEALS

Lady laughing at common people. Did you hear her?

I don't think this is a coincidence - they've got Argos opposite Pizza Hut.

That's wedding list, reception.

It's true.

CHEERING

Where I live I'm very lucky, I live between two supermarkets.

So I can go to both of them and I have a loyalty card for both of them.

I happened to be in Tesco's at the checkout

and by mistake I gave my Sainsbury's loyalty card.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

God, you're loyal, aren't you? It's the club card room, isn't it?

So the checkout woman, she looked at the card,

she put it down. She looked at her own badge.

"Maybe I DO work in Sainsbury's."

I spoke to my mum today because I don't have caller ID.

LAUGHTER

I think she phoned as a subtle reminder because it's their anniversary coming up.

My parents will soon be married for 42 years.

That's a long time, isn't it? CHEERING

They met when they were at school.

AUDIENCE: Aww! It's sweet, isn't it?

Except my mum was six and my dad was the caretaker.

I'm very happily married to a Scotsman. He's a pussycat.

Well, he pisses in the corner and scratches the furniture.

But we're very happily married.

And even when you're happily married, you do have arguments, don't you?

Cos men are annoying.

We had this row the other day. This was a really stupid argument.

Because he thought that he could win.

Arguing's different for men and women.

For women, the best bit of the argument is always the beginning.

When we start it. Isn't it?

The look of surprise on his face.

Cos we've been working on this for a couple of days, haven't we?

He's just an innocent.

He goes, "I was just watching Dragons' Den. I've done nothing. What?"

And we've got our clipboard of reasons.

Some of which date back many years.

This is what we had a row about. I was listening in to a conversation.

How many here listen to other people's conversations?

AUDIENCE SHOUTS Yes. Oh, and some men. Usually it's just women.

If I'm on a bus, I can go ten miles out of my way if it's a good conversation.

But I overheard this conversation. It was two men.

They were talking about a woman.

One of then said, "She's no oil painting

"but you don't look at the mantelpiece when you're poking the fire."

WHISTLING AND CHEERING

Don't laugh! Terrible, terrible, terrible.

That's what we argued about cos I said women wouldn't talk like that.

I don't know what the female equivalent is.

I've never heard a woman say, "He's no oil painting

"but you don't look at the butcher when you're eating the sausage."

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Well, I'm going to have to leave you,

because I... AUDIENCE: Aw!

No, I'm a little bit uncomfortable because I've just come from a waxing.

And... Yeah, my back is killing me.

Thanks very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.

Ladies and gentlemen...

in Edwardian times,

music hall was both educational and entertaining

and involved a truly staggering amount of gin.

LAUGHTER

Much of which I've been indulging in this evening

as has become evident as the evening has passed by.

However, through the poverty-stricken, haggish miasma

which you have recreated so beautifully for us this evening,

there was still time for education and enlightenment.

And that is what we're going to bring to the stage now.

Would you please welcome, for your elucidation,

from post-Revolutionary France,

the wonderful Messrs Harry Enfield and Marek Larwood.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LOUD HOOT

Ladies and gentlemen, we are Mr Enfield and Mr Larwood

from the world-famous act Mr Enfield and Mr Larwood, They Fill the Stage with Scenes from History.

CHEERING

And tonight for your entertainment we would like to fill the stage

with the tale of the Emperor's New Clothes.

MUSIC: The Marseillaise

FRENCH ACCENT: I am the Emperor Napoleon.

Emperor of France and conqueror of Europe.

And I'm on my way to see my fabulous tailor.

Hello, Mr Lagerfeld.

-Bonjour.

-LAUGHTER

Bonjour, Emperor Napoleon. How may I help you?

I would like some new clothes, please.

I don't like these clothes any more.

I look like an upside-down ship's anchor.

-But I designed this look for you.

-I know.

And the whole of France followed my look

and the rest of Europe giggled.

They say we French are a nation of complete and utter anchors.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-So you would like a new suit.

-Yes, please.

-I'll measure you.

-You take off your clothes.

-OK.

AUDIENCE HOOTS

Emperor, tell me, how was Moscow?

Oh, it was very cold.

I don't like it when it is very cold.

It makes my penis shrink.

Emperor, do you know your shoe size?

My shoe size? Yes. It is one.

Although...

I can slip into a lady's number two when push comes to shove.

You are very accommodating.

Very accommodating.

AUDIENCE SQUEALS

So...

OK, I am ready to measure you.

You want to measure my inside leg?

This one or this one?

Actually, I do not need to measure.

-What?!

-There! There is your new suit.

It is very pretty.

-But I am naked.

-No, no.

No, it is a very, very fine mix of silk and polyester.

See how the people of France admire their emperor and his new clothes.

AUDIENCE WHISTLES AND CHEERS

People of France, admire my new clothes.

Josephine...

..you know I said not tonight? I changed my mind.

I am very pleased with my new clothes.

-Thank you, Mr Lagerfeld.

-You're welcome. Have a nice day.

-Thank you.

I'm off to Waterloo.

Watch out for Wellington. They say he looks forward to fighting you.

Wellington fight me?

Pah! He hasn't got the balls.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Hello, everybody down there, again.

Hello!

Just before the show, I went to an Italian restaurant

and I said to the waiter, "Excuse me, mate, do you do ciabatta?"

And he went, "I'll have a go, sir."

HE IMITATES CHEWBACCA

Star Wars, love. It's a film.

Some people just don't keep up.

Travelling abroad is something the students now do and they love it.

They did it back in the age of the music hall

and they called it World War One.

Coming onto the stage now, boys and girls,

is a man I like to think of as a true global village idiot.

A man who disproves that travel broadens the mind,

the unique stylings, ladies and gentlemen -

a slag show from Giles Wemmbley-Hogg.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Ah-oh-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm

# Mmmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm

# Mmm-waa-aa-aa-aa-aa. #

Hello.

I'm Giles Wemmbley-Hogg.

Two M's, two G's.

From Budleigh Salterton.

Now, how many of you here went to university?

SOME SHOUT, SOME WHOOP

You don't whoop if you've been to university.

Yours is a converted poly, my friend.

But that's not really the point.

Who here has been on a gap year?

SOME AUDIENCE REACTION

-POSH ACCENT

-You've been on gap year?

Yah?

Yah.

-Where did you go for your gap year, madam?

-To Southeast Asia.

To Southeast Asia. Of course you did. That's where we all go.

That's why I got this sarong.

Forgive me if there's a turtle head showing.

Um...

..I spent a bit of time in Southeast Asia

and it's wonderful. It really does change you. It broadens the mind.

I saw some amazing things over there. I saw a lot of poverty.

And, what's more, I've got it on video, so that's nice.

-LAUGHTER

-You've got to bring something back. And, believe me, I did.

Amoebic dysentery.

Um...

No, I just think you haven't really understood the true nature of Southeast Asia

until you've fired pint after pint of boiling-hot, shitty magma down the back of your own legs.

I think that's when you've really absorbed the nature of the place.

But, you know, good times.

I want to recommend travel to all of you because it really can broaden your mind.

It can change your perspective.

When I went to Thailand...

I think one of the key things is to make sure you don't take too much stuff with you.

I was in Thailand for six weeks. You've got to pack small.

Lay your stuff out sensibly on a bed. Get a smaller bed if necessary.

Pop it all in a rucksack.

I'm going to show you what you might need for a six-week trip to Thailand.

This is my rucksack. This is all I took with me for six weeks.

OK, that's it.

Now the first four foot of that is corduroy trousers.

You're going to need those...

You're going to need those until you familiarise yourself with the sarong.

And from thereon in, you've got rugger tops,

sturdy walking boots and then space for as many sarongs as you can carry.

So there we go. That's what a person needs.

Now I'd like to share with you if I may

some of the slides I took on my wonderful trip around Thailand.

Trust me, I think you're going to be blown away by some of these.

Look at that. Isn't it wonderful? The old departure board.

All you have do when you get to the airport is locate the place that you're going to.

I missed it the first time round, but...

And then waiting room, classic. Skiddy chairs.

Very, very skiddy chairs.

Lot of fun. Didn't matter that the flight was seven hours delayed.

Er...

here we are. This is Thailand.

As you can see, Thailand Grand Invitation, Bangkok airport,

extraordinary duty-free.

Um...palace,

palace,

palace...

temple.

Here we are, baggage reclaim.

Now...

APPLAUSE

You're right. It's a goody, isn't it?

For an almost Third-World country, they've really nailed the old reclaim.

Got six of the buggers.

Your rucksack'll come out round there, unless you've got one like mine.

That comes out in a special section labelled "Travelling Twats".

Now not everything in the Thai airports is the same.

Have a look at this.

It's not racist to say that they're smaller than we are.

But that is absurd. It really is.

OK, what else have we got?

Ah, the tuktuk. This is how you'll be travelling around.

I find the easiest thing is to give the man your money in advance

and immediately wet your pants because that's what's gonna happen whilst you're on the tuktuk.

No idea.

A word about Thai food, if I may.

Don't. Don't.

Don't. OK?

That may look delicious

but it isn't.

Stick to Pad Thai. OK?

You know where you are with Pad Thai.

Palaces. To be honest, they shit them out over there.

Now this...

..this is just outside of Bangkok.

This is actually a Christian war memorial.

It's a cemetery.

And a very solemn place, very important for the Thai community.

Many people lost their relatives there.

Now I don't know how many of you ever played off-ground "it"...

-LAUGHTER

-A few of you.

A few of you will have done.

Well, take it from me, if you're over there travelling with some of the bloody good blokes that I was,

you really can have a cracking good game of off-ground "it".

We were there for nearly 35 minutes before they kicked us out.

Wonderful, wonderful times. Learned a lot.

Oxford Street?

No, it's Bangkok.

Knock-knock, who's there?

Some sort of gargoyle. Wonderful.

Ah, interesting.

The wonderful sunsets - though, of course, it's a different hemisphere over there,

so when you think the sun is setting, it's actually rising.

And there we are back at the airport.

There's one picture which summarises my trip to Thailand more than any of the others.

I think I will always treasure this as my memory of Thailand.

And it's this...

Where's he going? Do you know what I mean?

Little airport buggy there. He's got one trailer.

I know my rucksack was in there. It never made the plane.

It's almost as if by the end of my six weeks they had something against people like me.

There's no reason to understand why that would be.

You've been very patient. I hope to see you on the road.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, the splendour!

Now music hall covered many bases.

Culturally just there, a marvellous, marvellous moment of entertainment

but they would also occasionally break for culture.

And I felt that it would be in keeping with the fine music-hall tradition we have here this evening

to give you a little culture, a little poetry.

I've written a poem.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

It's about the time I met Paul McCartney.

It's a true story, word for word.

It's called He Loves You.

My nerves jangled and heart strangled

as I made my way towards the man who sang Hey Jude

Holding paper, grasping pen

going over lines again

as I approached the knight who gave us Blackbird

He stood alone, his Hofner bass in hand

deserted by his makeshift megaband

of Pirates, Purples and Pink Floyds

the boy from Penny Lane

As I drew near them

mop-top smiled

Before him stood the little child

who sang She Loves You

with his mum

Yeah, yeah, yeah

My nerves increased

Sir Paul at peace

calmed me down

with a friendly, "I know you. You're off the telly."

And without thinking

I replied, "And I know you, mate. You were in the fucking Beatles."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But one man and one poem.

On the stage now, ladies and gentlemen, three voices meshed in harmony

like no others you have ever heard,

cock those listening ears open

for the unique stylings of the Puppini Sisters!

# And so you're back

# from outer space

# I just walked in to find you here

# with that sad look upon your face

# I should have changed my stupid lock

# I should have made you leave your key

# If I had known for just one second

# you'd be back to bother me

# Go on, now, go walk out the door

# just turn around now

# Cos you're not welcome any more

# Weren't you the one

# who tried to hurt me with goodbye?

# You think I'd crumble

# You think I'd lay down and die

# Oh, no, not I

# I will survive

# as long as I know how to love

# I know I'll stay alive

# Cos I've got all my life to live

# And I've got all my love to give

# And I'll survive

# I will survive

# Out on the wily, windy moors

# We'd roll and fall in green

# You had a temper like my jealousy

# Too hot, too greedy

# How could you leave me

# when I needed to possess you?

# I hated you

# I loved you, too

# Bad dreams in the night

# Ooh-ooh

# They told me I was going to lose the fight

# Leave behind my Wuthering, Wuthering

# Wuthering Heights

# Heathcliff, don't you know that it's me, it's Cathy?

# I've come home

# so cold, let me in-a-your window

# Da-da-da

# Heathcliff, don't you know that it's me, it's Cathy?

# I've come home

# So cold, let me in-a-your window

TEMPO CHANGES

# Bam, bam, bam, bam

# Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam

# Once I had a love and it was a gas

# It soon turned out he had a heart of glass

# Seemed like the real thing

# only to find

# A bunch of mistrust

# love's gone behind

# In between...

# what I find is pleasing and I'm feeling fine

# Love is so confusing there's no piece of mind

# If I fear I'm losing you

# It's just no good

# you teasing me like you do

# Ooh-ooh

# Ooh-ooh

# Ooh-ooh

# Ooh-ooh

# Tu vuo' fa' l'Americano, mericano, mericano...

# sient'a me chi te fa-fa'? tu vuoi vivere alla moda

# ma se bevi whisky and soda po' te siente e disturba'...

# Tu a ball' a rock'n'roll tu giochi a baseball...

# ma e solde pe' Camel chi te li da? La borsetta di mamma!?

# Tu vuo' fa' l'Americano, mericano, mericano

# ma si' nato in Italy!

# sient' a me: nun ce sta niente 'a fa' OK, Napulitan!

# Tu vuo' fa' l'American tu vuo' fa' l'American!

# Tu vuo' fa' l'American. # Hey!

APPLAUSE Thank you!

Well, a gentleman, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to announce to you now

has an astonishing CV in the world of variety entertainment.

He had a triumphant season at the Bankside Working Men's Club, Leeds,

in 1957.

Would you please welcome, still fresh as a daisy, from that triumph

the one and only Count Arthur Strong!

APPLAUSE

I shouldn't be having to bring this on.

It should be all set up for me.

There should be a team of people whose job it is to set all this up for us.

Remember that for another night...

..whosever job it is to remember that.

Ladies and gentlemen,

my name is Count Arthur Strong,

as you full well know, so don't start any of that up.

And this evening I was begoing to do for you

my wonderful memory man act of mine I do,

but unfortunately I am unable to find my turban when I'm doing it.

It's an orange one.

I had it at rehearsals this afternoon.

But I don't know what happened to it after that.

-It's behind you!

-Oh!

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, it's absolutely delightful for me

to be here before you this evening

as part of this contemporary, modern music-hall event

that the BBC or, as I sometimes call it for a joke,

the British Broadcasting Corporation...

LAUGHTER

Anyway, if I can get a word in,

I'm highly delighted to be part of it all.

And I'll tell you something,

they've struck gold dust picking me

because I am one of the few people that can remember what it was like first time round.

Oh, we had some wonderful acts in those days,

acts like, um...

Little Lenny Longarms

And His Very, Very Long Arms.

I tell you something, the things he could reach

was quite frightening

with those long arms

of his.

Who else was there?

Arnold...

Cheatham.

I forget what he did.

But his mother was deaf...

for all you aficionados out there.

Oh, and of course my favourite

who I had the great privilege and honour of working with

at the Bradford Alhambra when I got my start in music hall,

sadly no longer with us, God bless him,

Wee Billy Bugle And His Hoop Of Flames.

Oh, he could make that bugle talk, could Billy.

What was his last words?

"Put me out. I'm on flipping fire!"

Still, he went as he would have wanted.

Up like a soddin' bazooka.

They say there's still some bits of him on the ceiling at the Alhambra.

They haven't got the heart to wipe him off.

Or a long enough ladder, if truth be known.

That's not very hygienic, is it?

Having that stuck above your head when you're watching Babes In The Wood or something,

falling in your bag of crisps, eugh!

So, ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to entertain you further.

Would you journey back in time with me to Ancient Egypt?

GONG BOOMS OUT Oh, for crying out loud!

ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYS

Nearly gave me a bloody heart attack, that!

I do hope whoever did that won't be doing it for the actual show.

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,

come to the Pyramids, as I introduce to you

Count Arthur Strong and his little tiny friend,

Little Tiny King Tut.

Come on, Little Tiny Tut.

Don't be shy.

Say hello to the ladies and gentlemen, why don't you?

Oo-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh...

Oh, what's the matter? Can't you talk?

Whoo-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh.

See, you've had all your internal organs taken out

and your mouth bandaged up, my goodness me, that's a bit of a let off, isn't it?

A bit of a shame.

Mm-mm-ooh-mm.

And what's more, you're telling me, they painted you from head to foot

in a resin to waterproof you

and wrapped you up in approximately 375 yards of linen bandages?!

My goodness me! You HAVE been in the wars, Tiny Tut.

Tell you what,

as you're obviously so down in the dumps, why don't we do one of our little songs to cheer yourself up?

Wh-ooh-ooh.

You're right. It is one of my good ideas.

After three, then.

One...

# Anything you can do I can do better

# I can do anything better than you

# Ooh-ooh-whoo

# Yes, I can

# No, you can't. #

Yes, I can!

No, you can't!

Yes, I can!

Yes, I can. Yes, I can!

I'd never have suggested it if I'd known you were going to be so argumentative.

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

Tell your mother. I'm not bothered.

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

I don't care if she is Queen Cleopatra of the Nile.

My dad was

the assistant air vice marshal of Doncaster,

so put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Oh, I'm going to have a drink of me drink.

You thought I'd forgot that, didn't you?

Tell you what, Tiny Tut,

while I have a drink of me drink,

why don't you finish the song you were doing, eh?

After three, then...

Three.

Ooh...

mmm...

Mmm...

Ah!

A-agh!

Eh-ahg!

That was you, that, you boggle-eyed bugger!

Back of my throat's red raw now cos of you!

Don't even think of answering me back.

No time at all for your temper tantrums, young man.

What are you looking at?

Trouble with you is you don't know where to draw the line, do you?

APPLAUSE

Well, they've put me back in the box again

like I'm some sort of Patrick Kielty presenter type wannabe.

It's not right, is it? I don't want to be in here.

I am a performer, not just some presenter they can hire in. I'm a bloody turn.

-SPARSE APPLAUSE

-That's right. A little applause would be much appreciated.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've nothing against you people...

What in God's name is that?

Nothing against you people, but the stage beckons to me

and I intend to heed her call.

To the stage. I must make my way now to the stage

so I can give my performance. This way.

Is it? I think.

Where is it?

Yes, that's fine.

Um...

In fairness, I had to leave that one.

I'd floated a bit of an air biscuit in there.

I'm terribly sorry about that. It's all this Edwardian food.

I had nearly a pint of the Gentlemen's Relish earlier

and it's not going to come out in a cold wash.

-GROANS

-Now, we should swiftly introduce the next act.

Ladies and gentlemen, mere words cannot even come close to describing this man.

You must now pin your eyelids to your foreheads - not literally, it's dangerous and revolting.

Trust me, you're going to have a wonderful time.

-The incredible Bruce Airhead!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

MUSIC: "Mambo No 5" by Lou Bega

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

AUDIENCE CHEER

LAUGHTER AND CHEERS

# Ladies and gentlemen This is Mambo No 5... #

APPLAUSE

# One, two, three, four, five

# Everybody in the car, so come on Let's ride

# To the liquor store around the corner

# The boys say they want some gin and juice

# But I really don't wanna

# Beerbust like I had last week

# I must stay deep because talk is cheap

# I like Angela, Pamela Sandra and Rita

# And as I continue you know they're getting sweeter

# So what can I do I'm really begging you my lord

# To me flirting it's just like sport, anything fly

# It's all good let me dump it Send in the trumpet

# A little bit of Monica in my life

# A little bit of Erica by my side

# A little bit of Rita is all I need

# A little bit of Tina is what I see

# A little bit of Sandra in the sun

# A little bit of Mary all night long

# A little bit of Jessica here I am

# A little bit of you makes me your man

# Mambo No 5!

# Jump up and down and move it all around

# Shake your head to the sound Put your hand on the ground

# Take one step left And one to the side

# Clap your hands once And clap your hands twice

# And if it looks like this Then you're doing it right

# A little bit of Monica in my life

# A little bit of Erica by my side

# A little bit of Rita is all I need

# A little bit of Tina is what I see

# A little bit of Sandra in the sun

# A little bit of Mary all night long

# A little bit of Jessica here I am

# A little bit of you makes me your man... #

Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

One.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Time now, ladies and gentlemen, for one man,

one Scottish accent, one microphone -

apparently there's some sort of quota to meet.

Please welcome to the stage, Mr Frankie Boyle!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Hello! AUDIENCE SHOUTS

The most Scottish thing I've ever seen, I was going through a town called Bathgate, at night,

and there was a guy pissing against a front door.

Who then took out his keys and went inside!

LAUGHTER

Bathgate's an amazing place.

Scientists have discovered cave paintings in Bathgate

that date back to the 1960s.

LAUGHTER

I have a big beard about half the year

to stop people shouting "Proclaimers!" at me.

And then the beard gets to a certain length,

and they all start shouting "Paedophile!"

LAUGHTER

Apparently they did a survey in America,

that said that Osama Bin Laden is now more famous than Michael Jackson.

And you think, "Yeah, but he puts a lot less effort into his videos."

LAUGHTER

It would really freak the Americans out if he just threw in a wee moonwalk now and again.

Good old Michael Jackson - he's got to live out the life of a Scooby Doo villain.

Hanging around an abandoned funfair wearing a plastic face.

LAUGHTER

British Army have got a recruiting drive on in Scotland at the minute.

Cos that's what you need if you're fighting an unwinnable war in the desert - more ginger people.

LAUGHTER

We've got the big new hope in American politics, Barack Obama.

Pretty much the worst name you could have in American politics, Obama.

Halfway between "Osama" and "a bomber".

He might as well be called Muslim Ogunbomb.

LAUGHTER

Saw a great story recently - they're planning on starting to treat alcoholics

by giving them acid. LSD.

That's gonna make tramps very different people.

"Any spare change, pal? I've got a unicorn to feed."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Apparently scientists have come up with a condom

for premature ejaculation.

Basically, it's got an anaesthetic in the lining and it makes you numb.

You can last for longer.

Or you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up.

AUDIENCE GASPS

LAUGHTER

Cos science isn't all progress, is it?

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked?

Instead of this multiple choice system.

So now if anything goes wrong, you're going to be sitting there,

while the whole fucking wall slowly slides away.

And you're unveiled like a prize on a quiz show!

'For 500 points, a shitting woman!'

LAUGHTER

Have you ever heard that science thing that if you put a frog into boiling water,

it'll jump out, but if you put it into cold water,

and you heat the water up, the frog won't realise, and it'll die?

Or to put it another way, scientists have got a lot of time on their hands.

"Shall we have a go at curing cancer?"

"No, I'm going to see how many Fruit Pastilles it takes

"to choke a kestrel." LAUGHTER

Are you all looking forward to the Olympics? No, you're not.

Nobody is.

I mean, I've been to the East End of London,

and what those people really need is a world-class dressage centre(!)

LAUGHTER

There's a Bangladeshi community there crying out for a velodrome.

I mean, it's good that they're holding it in the East End,

cos it'll mean that the athletes have to use more skill

as they work out which of the gunshots they heard was the starting pistol.

"Steady! That was a revenge killing in the doorway of a newsagent's!"

LAUGHTER

They talk about the Olympics instilling national pride in England.

For 9.2 billion, you could have written "Fuck off, Germany" on to the moon.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure talking to you. Enjoy the rest of your night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Now, the music hall... Hello, hello, hello.

The music hall, you probably won't know this, it was, at the time,

it was quite a seditious place.

Because the working classes used to go there to be entertained.

It was one of the only places they could go and shout and express their views,

and a song like My Old Man (Said Follow The Van)

was actually about dodging a rent collector.

There was another song called Let's Go Up Knightsbridge And Beat Up The Toffs,

was actually about global warming.

Lessons to be learned there.

Now on the bill, if you went to a variety show like this,

very often you'd see a mentalist.

And at that time it was someone who would read minds.

Tonight, we thought we could improve on that threefold

and we present now, for your edification,

three mentalists, ladies and gentlemen - We Are Klang.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome, welcome to the theatrical section of this evening's show.

Allow me to introduce myself - I am a theatre impresario,

my name is Derek-upon-Tweed,

it's an honour for you to have me here tonight!

Thank you very much. Now, every year, at the Edinburgh festival,

I showcase to those Scottish shit-eaters

the delights of a wonderful pan-European theatre troupe

entitled Kyatra Bastardski.

I'm absolutely delighted to welcome them to this stage tonight.

I'll be providing a narrative commentary for the partially sighted

in accordance with the terms of my parole!

I'll ask you to now very warmly welcome...les playeurs.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

On your right, the beautiful and talented Parisian actress Brigitte Baldot,

and on your left, Jean-Paul Van Dick.

We present Emile - a tale of erotic obsession.

Actors, prepare yourselves!

Oh, what a night! Late September, back in '63.

LAUGHTER

It was a very special night for he and she.

Emile was beautiful, truly beautiful.

She looked just like Britney Spears.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERS

She looked like a fragile woodland creature.

Like a rabbit.

Like a rabbit trapped in the headlights.

That had just eaten a really nice carrot.

LAUGHTER And then met Bill Oddie.

Jacques was a proud man. He had the arrogance of youth -

a youth that had horrendously faded.

But he was handsome and he knew it.

Handsome save for a slight touch of Bell's palsy.

LAUGHTER

From which he had completely recovered.