The Two Ronnies: The Studio Recordings

Stand by VT.

Thank you.

Are we nice and loud?

This jacket is!

-Nice new desk.

-A new desk, is it? Yes. Very nice.

-Very nice.

-Thank you, sir.

-This is lovely.

-Nice new desk.

They can't see that my feet don't touch the ground!

Can't see that my stomach does, for that matter!

Tell me when you're ready on the floor, please.

We're very happy with everything, yes.

Especially the money!

-LAUGHTER

-That was the wife laughing!

Four...

three...

two...

-one.

-Run VT.

ORIGINAL TWO RONNIES THEME PLAYS

Now we do the end, ladies and gentlemen. All the end jokes.

Having done the beginning jokes. You have to pretend you've seen the show and this is the end.

Then we throw you all out and get another lot in!

She insisted. I forgot. I forgot about this moustache.

Stand by, folks! Here we go.

OK?

-Good morning.

-Good morning.

-My name is Starling.

-Mr Starling.

-Of Starling Styling.

-Mr Starling of Starling Styling.

-Or of Stirling.

-Oh, Mr Starling of Starling Styling of Stirling.

-Wanting?

-Mr Ponting.

-Mr Ponting?

-Of Ponting Punting.

-Oh, Mr Ponting of Ponting Punting.

-Is there something wrong?

-I was just hunting for Mr Ponting of Ponting Punting.

We've got a Newing Brewing. Or we've got a Gilling and Goring of Drilling and Boring.

We've got a D.Lessing, Delousing.

-And we've got a Manning Minning.

-Minning?

-Meaning mining. Morning!

-Morning!

No sign of Ponting Punting.

-This is the Belding Building?

-Yes, this is the Belding Building,

-formerly the Fielding Wilding Belding Building.

-Fielding and Wilding?

Yes, Fielding Moulding and Wilding Welding.

But with Fielding folding and Wilding melding with Belding, it's become a Belding Holding.

-And no Ponting Punting?

-No. We've got a Keeling and Greeling wheeling and dealing.

I've a feeling there's a failing in your filing.

This is not the only Belding building.

We've branches in Barking, Dorking, Woking, Epping, Wapping and Tooting.

I know! I've been hunting Ponting Punting in every blinking Belding building!

Astounding.

Hopping and skipping from Chipping to Epping, upping at Epping and whipping through Wapping,

shooting through Tooting, stealing through Ealing, back into Barking - the parking in Barking is shocking.

No smoking.

APPLAUSE

You're better off parking and biking to Peking than banking on parking in Barking!

-Yes?

-Then making for Dorking, walking to Woking and riding in Reading.

Why not call on Mr Carling of Carling Curling?

What has Carling of Carling Curling got to do with Starling Styling of Stirling?

Or Mr Nutting of Nottingham Knitting and Netting. They're knighting him.

I don't care if they're knotting Mr Nutting in his own netting. He has nothing I'm wanting.

-I'm wanting Ponting of Ponting Punting!

-You may be panting for Ponting of Ponting Punting

but by keeping carping and blaming your flaming flim-flamming on our failing filing,

you're asking for a hiding darling old Starling - oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can you just come tight and pick it up here?

-Single.

-We can do.

A single of that last bit.

Give him the line in, Ronnie, "I'm wanting Ponting of Ponting Punting."

-Yes.

-Starting with Nutting, OK?

Oh, yes, right.

So, after you, Ronnie C. Just to give you the line in.

-Right.

-Yes.

I don't care if they're knotting Nutting in his own knitting and netting!

It's not Nutting I'm wanting. I'm wanting Ponting of Ponting Punting!

I don't care if you're panting for Ponting of Ponting Punting.

By keeping carping and blaming your flim-flamming on our failing filing,

you're heading for a hiding, Starling, old darling.

I could give you a stuffing, a roughing, a duffing-up and a cuffing

-as easy as winking. What are you thinking?

-I'm thinking you've been drinking!

This is my last warning!

Morning!

APPLAUSE

I'll do that one again, then.

-Yes, all right. I'll do that again.

-We'll give you the dialogue from 21,

"Back into Barking", but we're going from Peking, OK?

Starting in Barking and going to Peking.

Right.

I thought it was Ronnie Corbett coming in!

He comes in just like that.

WHISPERS

Oh, yes.

-'All agreed then?'

-Yes, we are.

'Here we go.'

What have we got?

Excuse me. Just a minute.

Is that shining?

OK.

SOUNDTRACK OF TROPICAL NOISES

Oh, now...

'Sorry, Ronnie.'

Hold it - I'm sorry.

It's a hold-up! It's a hold-up!

There's a picture. Look at that. "Sweets", it says!

-It's the sweet shop sketch!

-Stand by, Ronnie.

Sweet shop. It's about a sweet shop, isn't it?

APPLAUSE

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-How many do you want? Three-quarters of a pound, or what?

I really wanted two ounces.

Can I start again? I'm using the wrong accent!

LAUGHTER

-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-Sorry! I was supposed to be country like that and I went all north country.

All right, kid? I'll just get my legs wider apart. That'll give me the character.

Right, here we go. Here we go.

APPLAUSE

How many do you want? Half a pound, three-quarters? What?

Well, I really wanted two ounces,

if it's not too much trouble.

Too much trouble, madam? Nothing's too much trouble in this shop, no.

There we go, sir. Quarter pound. What else would you like? Anything else?

Yes, I'd like a gobstopper.

Gobstopper, sir. Big gob or little gob, sir?

-Little gob, please.

-Little gob.

Little gobstoppers. 2p each, they are.

2p. Could I have the kind that go pink after you've sucked them, please?

I don't know what colour they go. They start off green.

Well, they all start off green. We know that.

-But they don't all go pink afterwards.

-Oh.

-Oh, no.

Some of them do the dirty on you and go brown!

-Oh, well.

-Could I try one?

-Certainly, sir.

-You don't mind, do you?

Nothing's too much trouble. I'll try one myself, sir.

Anything else you want while we're having a suck, sir?

Um...

Have you got any of those mints with a hole in?

-Mints with a hole in? Yes, sir.

-How big is the hole?

-Eh?

-Well, I don't want it to be too big, you see.

You got something to measure with it, sir?

LAUGHTER

I'll say that again!

You got something to measure it with, sir?

Well, not on me, no.

-I've forgotten the very thing I came in for.

-What?

-Some hundreds and thousands.

-Very good, sir, yes.

Hundreds and thousands. We've got hundreds and thousands of them.

Could you count them out for me, please?

-Pardon?

-I'm not being any trouble, I hope now?

No, no trouble. How many do you want, sir?

The wife's making a cake. If you could count them out. 1,100.

-1,100, sir. Certainly.

-1,100.

1,100. There we go.

Now, that's about 15 short. Don't worry, I've got more here.

There you are, sir. Hundreds and thousands.

Now, what do you want, you old bag?

I want some toffee.

-Toffee.

-Can you cut it up? Absolutely smash it all up.

In little bits because of my false teeth.

I'll smash it up into little bits.

Nothing's too much trouble! I'll smash it all up.

I'll smash your teeth up as well, if you like!

Nothing's too much trouble in here.

-Was there anything else?

-No.

-Then get out!

APPLAUSE

Two volunteers to sweep up, please!

He wants a re-take now. We're going to tidy up!

It's the reaction shot, Ronnie.

Reaction shot.

"How big are the holes?"

-You don't need me, do you?

-Go and chat to the audience.

-I'm going to wash my hands.

-OK.

-Have a jelly baby.

Do you need RCR for this?

God, what a mess!

Do you want me to...

I'm trying to...

..trying to think...

..how far I'd got...

with my little...

I'd got to the end of the piano in the pub. Told you that.

Actually I've just not long come back from...

-Ready when you are.

-So you're not at all ready. Sabino's not ready.

Sabino's now ready.

I, er... Shall I have a little chat, then?

-Yes, if you're... Yes.

-You know, this is the second show we've done.

I've just come back from a holiday in Spain with my wife, Anne.

I say Spain to give the story a bit of atmosphere.

Actually, we were on holiday in Arbroath.

You must have heard so many stories about Arbroath, I thought I'd make it Spain.

Since the story is about bullfighting, it makes more sense if I say Spain

rather than Arbroath.

If I told you about a wonderful bullfight I saw in Arbroath, you wouldn't believe me!

But this story, I'll tell you about it.

It was funny. I'll tell you about it later on.

You think that's whisky in there, don't you?

It's gin.

-Are we going to go right ahead?

-Yes, if you're happy to.

I'm happy. If I put this in the drawer.

I always keep these in my drawers. No, no room.

Could you take that, Big Ed?

As Ed is big, I call him Big Ed.

-Stand by. Are you ready?

-I'm standing. Well, I'm sitting.

-OK?

-Yes, sir. I don't know where my hands were. About there?

I'll move them about just at the beginning of the shot.

Then they can cut anywhere, see? It's called continuity.

Now, in this secret organisation I work for,

all identities, for security purses... Purs-ah-pah!

LAUGHTER

That's the trouble. It has a slight echo.

Right!

It was all touch and go whether I'd be here this morning.

I was decorating. I fell off a ladder while painting the skirting board. Embarrassing!

We had this holiday in Spain. ..Do you want me to get chatting?

Anne and I, as I say, in Spain.

The first day, I was walking through the square, like you do, seeing all the shops.

There was a wine bar on the corner so I popped in for a drink of wine.

I was sitting there sipping - standing - sitting sipping, standing.

Couldn't make up my mind to sit or stand, but I was standing.

I was sipping wine and I noticed all round the walls of this bar

were bulls' heads mounted on the walls.

They'd been stuffed. You could tell by the surprised look on their faces!

Tears running down their cheeks! And above...

I said to the barman... SPANISH ACCENT: "Why all the bulls' heads?"

I... Uh...

What am I talking like that for?

I said, "Why all the bulls' heads?"

He says... SPANISH ACCENT: "These bulls...."

I knew somebody spoke like that! Couldn't decide who!

Don't know why I'm looking at you, Tony! You weren't there!

He said, "These bulls", he said, "I killed with my own hands.

"When I'm a young man." Actually, I think he was from Arbroath as well!

"When I'm a young man", he said, "I killed these bulls" -

I sound like a waiter at The Golden Egg!

He said, "I killed these bulls. That one I killed in Barcelona,

"that one I killed in Madrid and that one in Malaga."

I said, "What about that big black one?" He said, "We no speak of that bull. He kill my brother."

I said, "I'm sorry. I didn't realise. Was your brother a bullfighter as well?"

He said, "No. He's sitting in the corner having a drink and the bloody thing fell and hit him on the head!"

Are we all right?

NEWS BULLETIN THEME

Good evening. Due to a technical fault, Angela Rippon tells me

that some television areas are not receiving sound, only pictures.

In which case, some of you may be wondering what the hell I'm talking about.

I sometimes wonder as well!

Anyway, the BBC's desire to bring you news and to cheat ITV out of the ratings

here is the news in words and sign language

especially for those areas.

Good evening.

Here is the news.

Today...

..Mrs Margaret Thatcher...

announced her new shadow cabinet.

She said that inflation...

..was growing all the time.

But that it could be stopped.

Mr Michael Foot...

..was not in a position to stand up for himself.

He said...

FARTING SOUND

..Well, something like that, anyway.

And Mrs Thatcher flew off the handle.

The party's left wing...

..said that they had the wherewithal to provide support.

A group of dignitaries from the Scilly Isles...

..visited Chequers today...

..where they saw...

..and spoke...

..with the Prime Minister.

One armed bandit...

..broke into a bank today...

..and made off with 2p.

The Cod War still continues.

Mr Wedgwood Benn...

..speaking to the TUC...

Have a cup of tea!

..said that the only solution to this country's salvation...

..was to soak the rich.

Now, some late racing.

The 2,000 Guineas...

..was won by Gay Paris.

That is the end of the news.

And now back to Angela Rippon.

I'm awfully sorry. That's the other way round.

Now back to the news, and that is the end of Angela Rippon.

Ah-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha.

The VT is running out.

It's running out? You do that, I'll catch up.

-Snivelling, snivelling. I think that was all right.

-Yes, we have it.

-Everybody happy with that?

-Yes.

-I'm happy.

-All right? Happy.

Make the changes, then, Brian.

# Tiddly-it-doo! #

That's Jimmy Edwards, isn't it? Jimmy Edwards.

-You all right?

-OK?

Cos it's all gone... I'll have a little chat anyway, actually.

Yes, just to get us started again.

Yes, indeed.

Otherwise, you feel like you're sitting in church!

We got to the... What can I tell you before...

No, I won't. Cos if I start something, it goes on and on forever!

WHISPERING

Yes, right.

Shall I carry on, having a wee chat?

-I tell you, it's... I'll keep chatting?

-Yes.

We'll now take shots from this camera of you all thoroughly enjoying yourselves!

Actually, as Paul told you, this is the last week of the series.

It's been a busy week - well, they all are.

Cos I've had so many nights out this week.

I was invited to a party on Monday night,

given by the cast of the show Oh, Calcutta!

Anybody seen the show?

What a show that is! Like Smithfield's with songs!

They invited me because, to be honest, I was nearly in the show.

Only missed it by that much!

I didn't go because I'd had a nasty experience at a party the week before.

This friend of mine gives a party once a year

to celebrate the grand opening of his wallet!

This party that he gave was the worst party. This party was so quiet

the telephone rang and a fellow with a weak heart had to be taken home!

I don't think he really had a weak heart. He'd been there since seven and lost the will to live!

It was so quiet, the party, it was so boring,

that an electric light bulb blew and we laughed about it for two hours!

The host, this host, is so mean,

he's so mean that he'll go into Sainsbury's, order a sheep's head and ask them to leave the legs on!

And lazy? He's so lazy, he puts bread down the lavatory to feed birds at the seaside!

Are you ready, Paul? Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Nine,

eight, seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one,

zero.

# Say what you will, the Queen is on the pill. #

LAUGHTER

Bang goes the OBE!

Not his!

It wasn't his fault, Your Majesty!

# It was Colonel Kettering wearing spurs

# Marked distinctly his and hers

# Lady Felicity earning applause

# Winning a raffle and losing her drawers

# And a terribly, terribly tight young man

# Sat on a fork and dropped a spoon

# Into the large decolletage of the Brigadier's wife and dropped a soon

# They were having a great big slap bang huge success

# The officers there, they'd got one hell of a mess

# And the colonel left the party in a small black dress

# What a terribly, terribly, terribly, terribly gay success! #

APPLAUSE

That's the end of the first half, folks.

Just waiting for a magnificent change here.

As you'll agree is worth it, when you see it.

I would like, in the meantime, to introduce, ladies and gentlemen, the Fred Tomlinson Singers.

APPLAUSE

Wonderful to have eight singers all called Fred Tomlinson.

Very difficult to find.

Right.

Ha-ha! Look at them laughing!

They don't know what they're laughing at!

They've been in the pub since lunch time!

Haven't you, boys?

-Yes.

-Ooh! Ha-ha!

Hands up anyone who can't hear me?

Nobody put their hands up! So they couldn't hear me!

Couldn't hear me say that!

Yes.

Hello?

Get off the line - there's a train coming!

OK. Yes, it's all right, dear.

-This is the Automobile Association, isn't it?

-No, this is Alcoholics Unanimous!

Elsie, my wife, she's given me the wrong address.

She's outside. Elsie, you've given me the wrong address.

-Oh, dear!

-Oh, dear!

-It's the wrong address. Where did you get the address?

Tony Vicars gave it me outside the saloon bar of the Eight Feathers.

-Oh, dear!

-Sit down.

You have a chat to her. If you can't get anywhere,

I'll get on to the RAC and have her towed away.

Towed away?

APPLAUSE

Have you met the wife, ladies and gentlemen?

It's not Ronnie's wife at all, you know that. It's mine!

All right? Any noddies?

No, Ronnie, just your entrance.

Does Celestine know about the end?

It's Ronnie C's entrance.

Just as Celestine looks at you...

Ladies and gentlemen, Celestine Byrne. Give her a round of applause.

APPLAUSE

Excellent.

Which one were you applauding?

STAGE DIRECTIONS DROWNED OUT

We didn't hear a word.

Just come in here.

# Colonel says we've gotta roast one chicken more

# I'll go and tell the brigadier to starve it

# Go and tell the brigadier to starve it

# In the gory piece of war it's work galore

# You'll never get a crafty carver

# I've really got to bake a cake before lights out

# I think I'll try a tart when I've had supper! #

Thank you, boys.

Let's pick it up from there.

Chapter two, take two.

Try not to applaud when they turn the things.

Because that's having got it wrong last time

but the audience didn't see that.

-They might have been applauding dexterity.

-They might have.

And click right to the next joke!

Let's do it.

# We've got - what have we got?

-# What have we got?

-Rissoles.

# Soldiers. What have we got? What have we got?

# Rissoles. Big and fat and round, each one half a pound

# Army rissoles are renowned

# So when they boo our Irish stew we'll say you, too

# We made a hash of bangers and mash, it's true

# And so that's the reason when you ask that what's upon the menu

# We say rissoles and the best of luck to you! #

APPLAUSE

That's all we have time for in this series.

But before we leave you, a few items of late news.

Sorry - I was doing that off the wrong camera! I started.

I'm just not very good tonight!

Nonsense!

You're my bread and butter, you are! My bread and butter.

Right.

APPLAUSE

Well...

That's all we have time for in this series.

But before we leave you, a few items of late news.

Miss Raquel Welch, in an American TV interview

talked about the advantages she..sh...sh...shsheveh...

15-all. New balls, please.

Right!

Here we go again!

-Until then, it's good night from me.

-And it's good night from him!

-Good night!

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