Adam Hills: Comically Challenged

This programme contains strong language.

'It's easy to make a short person the butt of the joke.

'But can you include them in comedy without taking the piss?

'And should only short people do short-people jokes?'

I can't wear tampons because I trip over the string.

'I don't think so, and I'm going to try and prove it.'

I have an artificial right foot. I'll show you so you know

I'm not making it up. It goes from the knee down.

I was just born, came out, didn't have a right foot.

Now, whenever I leave the house,

I have a nagging feeling I've left something behind.

'I'm Adam Hills, and in five days' time,

'I'll stand in front of a Northern Ireland audience and talk about

'what's funny about being short, while trying not to offend.'

I'm hoping I can kind of almost be the conduit

to go between people with disabilities and people without

and kind of open the door and go, "There you go.

"I'm a member of the club, I'll sneak you in!"

'Phil Searle came to Belfast for a six-week run of the Christmas panto.

'Ten years on, he's still here.

'I'm going to spend a few days stalking him

'to see what's funny about his life.'

I think that Adam might get a shock,

because I don't think he knows what he's letting himself into!

'Before I spend time with Phil, I'm going to see a pro in action.

'She calls herself the Ferrari of comedy -

'low to the ground and kind of racy. It's Tanyalee Davis.'

Look at me! That's right, check out the tits on the five year-old!

I understand that most people assume I'm a midget.

But you also assume I've got to have midget friends!

Like there's packs of us hanging around together!

Little scooter gangs of midgets! "Whoa! Power to the pygmies!"

Do people get offended?

I've had people come up to me and say, "Yeah, you were funny,

"but you shouldn't talk about your condition."

And I'm like, "Oh, really? My condition?"

Holy shit, I've got arms like a T rex!

Because I make you feel uncomfortable,

I shouldn't talk about it, because you're uncomfortable?

That's not my issue.

-You used the word midget before.

-Yes.

Is that OK to use that word?

The actual definition isn't considered offensive -

it's the power and meaning behind the word.

And growing up, you're only identified as a midget.

"Hey, look at the midget! Oh, my God, there's a midget!

"Don't look now, there's a midget!"

You don't have a name, you're just the midget,

and it takes on a very bad connotation. So I get that.

But "midget" is a very funny comedy word.

There are just some words that are a lot funnier in comedy,

and "midget" is a lot funnier than saying "little person" or "dwarf".

Midgets doing YMCA in lowercase!

Every time we do the M we look like we're doing the butterfly stroke!

I am who I am. And I have been criticised from little people,

saying, "You're not representing us very well."

Who made me the representative? I didn't get any memos.

No, I'm sorry, I'm doing my shit.

My husband and I were on the city bus,

side-by-side, and my husband wants to

give me some hugs and some kisses and lovings.

He was leaning over to give me hugs and kisses,

I was like, "Daddy, stop it!"

When you're on stage and start talking about topics like sex,

how do people react to that?

Somebody with a disability, "Oh, my God, they don't have sex!"

And I'm like, "Oh, really? I got a lot of horny in this body! Pow!"

By the way, where can we get one of you?

You might want to get this cleaned.

How did you get involved in this?

Why did you get picked? Just because you've got a stump?!

Look at me! Nobody fucking notices when you're on stage.

You're too good-looking to be disabled!

You're stealing good jobs from somebody in a wheelchair!

Last words of advice before

I embark on this week and then do a gig about it?

Don't fuck it up!

Have fun, what's the worst that could happen?

There's not enough of us to riot!

'I had a mixed reaction to Tanyalee.

'I was laughing at what she was saying, but I could see Phil,

'I could hear him laughing,

'and clearly he was really, really enjoying it, and I was doing that comedian's thing of going,'

I can't have the shared experience those two have got.

I can't have a the life that she...

I feel like she's cheating!

I went ass first the entire way!

I'm sure this is just the usual comedian's insecurity.

But having seen another comedian do something really well

that I'm about to try, and I'm quite ill prepared for,

yeah, I'm concerned! I'm very concerned!

'With only four days till my gig, there's no time for freaking out.

'Next morning, I call to Phil's to get the low-down on being short.'

-Hiya.

-Are you all right?

-Come in.

-Thanks very much.

-How long have you been in Belfast for?

-Just over ten years.

I came to do a six-week panto, and I've been here ever since.

So, from a six-week panto, I've got a wife, two children, a cat,

a dog, a fish tank and a bloody mortgage!

Bloody long panto, isn't it?!

-Come on in here.

-Thanks a million.

-Take a pew.

-Thank you, sir.

Are you sitting on the floor? Is that more comfortable?

It's more comfortable, one because I can keep my legs straight,

and two, you can't fall off the floor.

I'm already on it, so there's nowhere else to go!

My condition is called achondroplasia,

which is a bit of a mouthful.

It's like Heinz, 57 varieties. I'm like the common-or-garden dwarf.

Achondroplasia, that's all you hear.

-So, you've got brothers and sisters?

-Yes.

-You're the only one with achondroplasia?

-Yes.

-Was there history in the family?

-No.

Was it just completely random?

-Just randomly happened.

-What is the politically-correct term?

Is there a politically-correct term? Is "dwarf" appropriate?

-Just say "dwarf".

-Right.

People assume that if you say that, I'm going to be really offended

-that you've called me a dwarf, but I am.

-Right, OK.

-Here, Jake. That's Adam, say hello.

-Hi, Jake, nice to meet you.

Erin. Hiya, darling.

What are the physical things that you have to go through?

I had to have this leg straightened.

That had to be broken in seven places.

So I've got one straight leg, one bowed leg,

which is what most dwarves end up having.

We also have spinal problems.

I've had my spine operated on four times.

-Really?

-Jake, show Adam the X-ray of my neck.

Hang on, which way is it? Oh, that way's up.

That way.

Whoa!

Can you believe that's all in your dad's neck?

What they're trying to get to is to stop the nerves from being squashed

-and release them so I can feel things and I don't fall down.

-Right.

-It didn't work, and I've ended up with a load of bloody metal that sets alarms off in my neck.

-Yeah.

I've still got what I started with. Weird, isn't it?

-Slow down, Jake.

-How did you meet Katy?

She was working in the theatre in Belfast,

so I got to see her every single show, and we just got chatting

and chatting and chatting, and one day,

I asked her if I could take out for a meal, and she said yes.

I says, could we possibly go as boyfriend and girlfriend?

And she said, "Yeah."

-"All right!" And that's it.

-Great!

Just started from that.

-What was it that attracted you to Phil?

-His sense of humour.

-Yeah.

-He's a nice man, and he's got nice eyes.

-Did his height affect you in any way?

-Not really.

I don't notice him being small particularly anymore.

-Is that right?

-Yeah.

Not really, just if he wants me to reach stuff down,

but that's the only time it would really...

-I'd think, "Oh yeah, you can't reach that."

-Yeah, yeah, right.

'Phil brought me out with Jake and Erin to see how even

'the simplest of tasks can be a struggle when you're small.'

Sit on me shoulder.

You puddin'!

God, it's cold in there.

ERIN SHOUTS Oh!

Ten-minute hassle to get a box of bloody biscuits.

Agh! Jesus!

There's everything trashed.

Let's see if we can get away without being noticed!

'Even at home, things aren't exactly straightforward.'

So if you need something from the top shelf, what do you use?

This stool here.

I've got loads of them, scattered all over the house.

The potty's not mine!

As you can see, that is not my mirror.

That's my little step for getting onto bed,

but if that's not there, I have to run and dive.

It's time to put the duvet cover on.

For most people, this would take about three minutes?

How long does it take in ours?

About an hour and a half when we finish.

I've lost it.

Ah, hell.

Stupid duvets. Should've stuck with blankets.

Now I've got to get in and put the put the bloody corners in, haven't I?

See, all for changing a flaming duvet!

Where are you?!

If you had asked me at the beginning of today,

"What's one of Phil's biggest challenges?...

-You'd never have thought of that one!

-No!

-Katy can do the rest!

I'm knackered!

I'll pull the line down, and we'll get Adam to hang it up.

See, I always told you average-height people would come in useful.

Are there other things like that,

everyday things that people just wouldn't think...?

All the time. You'll go to some telephone boxes...

-Right.

-..and the phone's always...

-Stools?

-Stools!

It seems to be all we really need is stools!

Yeah, that's it!

'After a long day of manly chores, we slipped off for a pint,

'and even that was an eye-opener.'

-Cheers.

-Yours'll be ready any second.

-Sweet, thank you.

I'm getting closer.

(A stool! A stool!)

That's it, there we go, now we've got a cue.

The thing I realised most today is what kind of physical pain

'and obstacles Phil goes through'

that have nothing to do with his height, but have to do with his condition. I mean,

he's smiling his way through it all and making the best of it,

but the man takes 15 tablets every morning,

15 pills just to get through the pain.

And he does that before his wife and kids wake up

so that they don't see what he goes through.

I can't imagine what that must be like, and that's his life.

'And I have to turn that into a stand-up routine.

'This may be even harder than I thought.

'Next day, and Phil shows me that buying clothes

'isn't as simple as shopping in the kids' section.'

If we start talking about trousers, they've got a child's waist.

I haven't got that - I wish I had, but I haven't.

I have got an adult's waist.

'The adult section isn't much better.'

As you can see...

And these ones are extra-small.

'As we left, I couldn't help noticing

'how much people looked at Phil.

'Pity he wasn't looking out for himself.'

-You all right?

-Yeah, fine.

-Did you knock your head then?

-I forgot about that bit!

Oh, gawd!

'Buying clothes isn't cheap when you're a dwarf.

'Everything needs to be altered.

'But we didn't expect the alteration we were about to be offered.'

-So, we will shorten you by three inches, then.

-Right.

Now, what name...?

'Because of Phil's back pain,

'he gets regular massages, so naturally, I joined him.

'For research purposes, of course!'

I'll just have a moment. That side's really good.

-Will you be just a little bit gentler on my left shoulder?

-I will do.

Because I just cracked it a few weeks ago. I was going down on the road,

and a car came flying round the corner like a...

-a very fast thing.

-Yep.

And it just panicked me, so I just put my hand on the accelerator

and stormed across the road, straight into the kerb,

crashed, smashed the front of the scooter

and went straight over the handlebars and landed right on my back.

-And saw the clouds up above.

-Good Lord.

Yeah, that's what I said, or something similar to that.

So I ended up with a great big crack in the shoulder blade.

And did the driver stop and help?

No. He was off like a rocket.

-Really?

-Yeah.

What kind of person doesn't stop their car

after they knock a dwarf off a scooter?

Probably the type of person that'll think to themselves,

"No, no, I've had too many beers, that can't be right!

"I did not see what I've just seen!"

-We probably don't need to film this bit, do we?

-Nah.

Can you turn the lights off on your way out, please?

Should we have not had the girls here?

-Yeah.

-Bugger!

-Every Christmas, you do panto?

-Every Christmas.

Is it always Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs that you do?

Yeah, doesn't really work in Jack and the Beanstalk, does it?

What about people who say those roles are inappropriate?

There's a lot of average-height people protest against it.

Why I don't know, because it has nothing to do with them.

-Wow.

-At least you can understand it if it was another dwarf.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Fair enough, they're allowed their opinion as well.

If you've got Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs,

-you couldn't really do a part of one of the dwarfs.

-No.

-It wouldn't work.

-There'd be complaints.

Yes. I can. Because believe it or not, I am actually a dwarf!

-I've heard tell!

-Yeah, see? It's perfect!

'As I sat down to my final meal with the family,

'I asked Katy for her thoughts.'

Your first experience of a dwarf is

-Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs.

-Yeah.

And Phil clearly doesn't go digging for diamonds

and he doesn't march along singing Heigh-Ho with a funny hat.

-I do in panto.

-Yeah, but that's in your job.

What did you think when you read Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs?

Did you relate to the characters in it?

I knew I was small, I didn't know I was a dwarf. Somebody else said it,

and I thought, "Wow, is that what I am? I've actually got a title?"

Wow, that's like the dwarf equivalent of coming out.

-Yeah.

-Except you needn't break it to your parents!

"Look, Mam, I'm sorry to tell you -

-"I'm a dwarf."

-"Oh, my God, no!

"No, I always thought it was other people's children!

"Say that you're experimenting! Have you tried being normal height?!

"Have you at least given it a go?!"

"I'm giving it a go, but nothing seems to move!"

'My time with Phil and his family was coming to an end.

'But I still wasn't convinced I was anywhere near ready.'

I'm now performing this weekend.

And I'll be in front of a room full of people who are average height,

who are short-statured, who have various disabilities.

It kind of raises the question of what is going to offend.

-You don't know until you give the punchline.

-Yeah.

And then you wait. And you get ready to run.

I'll protect you, look after you!

I'll make sure they don't fill you in!

-Thanks so much!

-No problem. Nice to meet you.

-See ya!

'As I left Phil's, I realised there was something still bugging me.'

Wave bye-bye, Erin.

'There have been two or three moments

'where a joke has popped into my head,'

where the word "little" is used in an instance,

where the word "short" is used, and you go, "Oh, don't say 'short'.

"I'll have a short black..." "Don't say 'short', Jesus!"

That's really weird, I've only just realised that's the one thing

I was still too scared to talk to him about, because it was...

I was afraid it would show my ignorance...

..that I was thinking of those things.

And I didn't want to admit that I was thinking those jokes.

The typical short jokes were exactly what I wanted to avoid.

With only a day till my gig, I know I can't be thinking like this.

Phil's great, but it takes a lot to offend a freaky actor type.

I need to meet some normal dwarves.

Niall and Luke, members of the Dwarf Sports Association,

agreed to help me out.

Lads, any chance I can join in?

What?

This is a quick "how to" guide for people at home.

I'm just going to throw words at you.

Tell me...OK with it or not OK with it? OK, "dwarf".

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Fine.

"Short statured"?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-"Little people"?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-"Person of restricted growth"?

-Yeah.

-Well...yeah.

Er, "midgets"?

It's an insect, like.

It's not a person.

"Vertically challenged"?

-No, I probably wouldn't.

-Really?

-Just because it sounds ridiculous?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

It was the lights!

You're watching a comedy show... and you see a short person come on screen.

-Yeah.

-What are your first thoughts of, "OK, where is this going to end up?"

I'd always think of it in a bad way. My first version would be,

"Oh, they're going to take the mick."

Do you think it helps if people can laugh at something like this?

If it comes from the right place?

-Oh, if it comes from the right place, yeah.

-Yeah.

Yeah, that's completely the thing, isn't it?

Ah, Jesus!

'Even though my head was a little clearer,

'I still needed to figure out how to turn all this into something funny.

'I decided to ask Tanyalee to help me throw some ideas around.'

The big thing that I noticed, for you and for Phil and for the guys,

reactions of people.

"Hello, little princess!" "Hello! I'm acknowledging you!"

"I want to hug you!" I get that, too. "Oh, oh! Can I pick you up?"

Oh, my God, really?

That's great. I can handle that for about two minutes.

-OK, I'm writing this down.

-Yeah, yeah. You can't...

As my conduit, tell people on the outside world,

"Don't pick us up! We don't like it."

-It's not about writing jokes now, it's what do you want me to tell them?

-Tell the outside world.

My liege, I haven't a portal to the outside world.

You're like the Avatar!

OK. I was thinking,

well, maybe Snow White And The Seven Dwarves is a little bit out of date, but maybe

it's just the names that are outdated,

like Grumpy and Happy...

Yeah, now we need Slutty and Druggy and...

You can rename the dwarves based on your experiences.

Everybody should do it! Hang out with a dwarf for a week. It'll be great.

'The research was done. I'd had all the help I could get.

'Now it was all down to me.'

Oh, I've got material.

I've got plenty of material.

Just not entirely sure if it's funny material.

I've got... I've even got, er...

some jokes, that are going to go down very well.

Or I've got some slightly amusing sentences.

'All too soon, the day of the gig arrived.

'With my routine just hours away,

'I was desperately trying to finish my set.

'Perfect time for the guys to drop by, then.'

Heya.

-You're a tall fucking dwarf!

-I know. Everybody says that.

Yay! I'd like to thank the Academy.

Are you going to whip this shit out, show them the dwarf foot?

So let me get this straight, your last advice to me before I go on stage is, "Whip the stump out"?

Yeah! That one!

I'm now at that point, that actual pre-gig point,

of shitting myself to the point of being quite excited.

I guess this is why you do comedy - the knowledge that it could go either way,

the knowledge that I'm about to say stuff that I don't know...

is funny or isn't funny, or is going to offend or is going to upset.

I'm now at that point of no return.

MC MAKES INTRODUCTION

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Belfast.

CHEERING

Or, I believe, as you say, "What about yew?"

-SOME PEOPLE: What about YOU?

-There it is.

I feel I've learnt stuff and so, for the average height people here...

I know, yeah - they call us "average height".

Not "tall", just "average".

Secretly, I think they should call us "vertically obese".

Basically, a general rule to stay on the safe side is...

"dwarf" is OK.

"Midget" is not. Just remember that. It's all you need.

"Dwarf" is OK. "Midget" is not. If ever you're in doubt, just go, "Hang on...

"Don't say the M-word."

Even if THEY're saying it.

If you're around a group of short people going,

"Hey! Word up, my midget," shut up - don't use it.

What's funny is people trying not to say the wrong thing.

I was with Phil. He took his trousers to be altered and the woman said,

"All right, so we're going to shorten you by three inches."

Five times. "Just checking - we're going to shorten you by three inches..."

"Shut up, lady. Please shut up!"

The mortal enemy of the dwarf...

is the drunk person.

So I'm going to give you right now three rules

for dealing with a dwarf when you're drunk,

and I am going to make them basic.

There are three rules.

Don't pat 'em on the head, don't pick 'em up

and don't give 'em vodka after midnight.

The first two are offensive. The third is just for safety.

Phil told me he has fallen into the supermarket freezer three times.

Just a tip - if you see a dwarf in a supermarket freezer, help him out!

Do not put him in your trolley, take him up to the counter and go, "This one thawed out."

Here's another tip.

If you're a waiter serving a short person, put the drinks in reach.

I'm not making this up. Stand up, please, sir.

Come to the front of the stage and bring your drink. Because I want to try something.

OK, reach out. Put your drink out as far as you can possibly reach.

Excellent. Can you imagine how frustrating it would be

for someone to come up with your drink and go, "There you go."

Pretty fucking annoying!

Reach, without climbing up. Just reach.

OK, what if I was to tell you that for £2 I could possibly solve this problem?

£2.

You ready?

Stand on that.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You may be seated.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a dream!

I have a dream in which every public space in the world

is a slightly bit more accessible.

Take it home! Make your workplace and house

just that little bit... Jesus!

Right down the back. That's right.

This may be one small step up for a man...

..but this could be a giant leap forward

for anyone under 5ft high.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tanyalee Davis with Phil Searle.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A weird thing happened backstage. Tanyalee came over to me backstage and said,

"I've known you for a wee while but I've never seen your artificial foot. Can I have a look?"

I went, "OK, I'll take it off." I'll show you what I showed her.

I took my foot off and went, "OK, there you go."

The whole thing came off.

I never really show this on stage.

That's what my artificial foot looks like,

and Tanyalee's response was...

Oh, my God - it's so cute!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And it's so squishy!

But that's when we had a moment. Tanyalee said,

"It's like a little dwarf foot."

And I went, "My God - it is!"

And Tanyalee and Phil both went,

"You're one of us."

CHEERING

Right feet up.

CHEERING

At the start I wasn't too sure, but as he went through it more, I thought it was good, so I did.

Really good, funny.

I think he just made us aware of how sensitive people can be, or insensitive.

And he got his point across very well.

People who do have a disability, you sometimes feel awkward,

you don't really know what to say, so it's good the way he made it acceptable to laugh about it.

There were certainly parts where even I felt a bit uptight

but it's a good thing. That is a good thing -

realising that it's something silly and it should be just laughed at. It's a good thing.

Really good night. Thoroughly enjoyed it, myself and my friends. It's been great.

And I got a stool!

-So how did I go?

-Well, you didn't fuck it up.

Bloody brilliant.

He's one of us now.

Woo! Oh, yes!

-Yes!

-Oh!

Woo-hoo!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

-I need to buy some cigarettes now.

-Yeah!