Bill Hicks: Revelations - Live at the Dominion

This programme contains adult humour and strong language.

Hup!

Ya!

A WOLF HOWLS

THUNDER STRIKES

HORSE WHINNIES

Ya!

Ya!

On December 16th 1961, the world turned upside down

and inside out and I was born, screaming in America.

It was the tail end of the American dream,

just before we lost our innocence irrevocably, when the TV eye

brought the horror of our lives into our homes for all to see.

I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted, a fireman,

a policeman, a doctor, even president it seemed.

And for the first time in the history of mankind,

something new called an astronaut.

But like many kids growing up on a steady diet of Westerns,

I always wanted to be the cowboy hero, that lone voice

in the wilderness, fighting corruption and evil

wherever I found it and standing for freedom, truth and justice.

And in my heart of hearts, I still track the remnants of that dream

wherever I go in my never-ending ride into the setting sun.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're in the right place.

It's Bill.

Living out in Los Angeles now

so I like coming over here, you know, for the weather.

You guys have weather, cool.

Los Angeles, every day, hot and sunny.

Today, hot and sunny. Tomorrow, hot and sunny.

Every single day, hot and sunny...

And they love it.

Isn't it great? Every day, hot and sunny.

What are you, a fucking lizard?

Only reptiles feel that way about this kind of weather.

I'm a mammal, I can afford coats, scarves,

cappuccino and rosy-cheeked women.

LA is the home of the pedestrian right-of-way law.

What this law is,

is if a pedestrian decides to cross the road anywhere or any time,

on the road, every car has to stop and let this person cross the road.

Yes, because only in LA does common courtesy have to be legislated.

Every car has to stop,

pretty ludicrous in light of the city we're in now.

If someone steps in front of your car here,

you speed up and turn your wipers on.

Dng-tch, dng-tch.

Bad call, brother.

Rrrrr!

Was that a bad day? I don't know.

Stupid law.

How many of you all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots,

when people were being pulled out of their trucks

and beaten half to death, how many of you all wondered like I did...

Step on the fucking gas, man!

APPLAUSE

They're on foot, you're in a truck.

I think I see a way out of this.

That pedestrian right-of-way law.

People are driving home, gang of youths stepped in front

of the truck, Molotov cocktails,

clubs in hand, every one of these idiots...

# Oooh! #

I guarantee you that Reginald Denny, that truck driver,

never going to stop again as long as he lives.

Could be an old woman with a baby carriage crossing the road, he's...

IMITATES TRUCK HORN

Not today, baby.

Not a time to quit smoking, kids.

But I fucking did it.

And yes, I miss them.

It is hard to quit smoking.

Every one of them looks real good to me right now.

Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus

and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy right now.

Golly, that looks tasty.

Every time I'm here something weird happens.

This time, Bush lost. Cool.

People ask me where I stood politically, you know?

It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy

or his foreign policy, it's that I believed

he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth.

Yeah, I'm a little to the left there, I was.

I was leaning that way, I think.

Yeah, you know who else has gone, little Quayle-boy.

Little Damien.

Is that guy Damian?

Tell me those blank, empty eyes

aren't going to glow red in the very near future.

"Stop making jokes about me.

"I'll spell potato any fucking way I want.

"Rioters in LA, let's nuke them.

"Bush was a pussy.

"He held me back."

Frightening people.

Bush trying to buy votes towards the end of the election

and goes around selling weapons to everyone, getting that military

industrial complex vote happening for him, sold 160 fighter jets

to Korea, and then 240 tanks to Kuwait

and then goes round making speeches why he should be

Commander In Chief, because... "We still live in a dangerous world."

Thanks to you, you fucker.

What are you doing?

Last week Kuwaitis had nothing but rocks.

Quit arming the fucking world, man.

You know he armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know?

During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out.

"Iraq, incredible weapons, incredible weapons."

"How do you know that?"

"Well..."

"We looked at the receipt.

"But as soon as that cheque clears, we're going in.

"What time does the bank open? Eight?

"We're going in at nine."

I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over

to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean?

We keep arming these little countries and then we go

and blow the shit out of them.

We're like the bullies of the world, you know?

We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane,

throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet.

"Pick it up."

"I don't want to pick it up, mister, you'll shoot me."

"Pick up the gun."

"Mister, I don't want no trouble, huh?

"I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids,

"some gingham for my wife.

"I don't even know what gingham is but she goes...

"she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff.

"I ain't looking for no trouble, mister."

"Pick up the gun."

GUN SHOTS

"You all saw him, he had a gun."

Kennedy.

I love talking about the Kennedy assassination because, to me,

it's a great example of a totalitarian government's ability

to manage information and thus keep us in the dark any way they deem...

Oh, sorry, wrong meeting.

Shit.

That's the meeting we're having tomorrow at the docks.

I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas.

You know, you can go down there to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy

was assassinated and you can actually go to the sixth floor

of the school book depository.

It's a museum called...

the Assassination Museum.

I think they named that after the assassination,

I can't be too sure of the chronology here, but...

Anyway, they have the window set up to look exactly like it did

on that day and it's really accurate, you know?

Cos Oswald's not in it.

Yeah, yeah, so...

APPLAUSE

Painstaking accuracy, you know?

It's true, it's called the sniper's nest.

It's glassed in. It's got the boxes sitting there.

You can't actually get to the window itself.

The reason they did that, of course, they didn't want

thousands of American tourists getting there each year going...

"No fucking way!

"I can't even see the road. Shit, they're lying to us!

"Fuck!

"Where are they?!

"There's no fucking way!

"Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes.

"Upside down from the ledge.

"Either that or some pigeons grabbed onto him,

"flew him over the motorcade..."

Surely someone would have seen that.

You know, there were rumours of anti-Castro pigeons

seen drinking in bars. Someone overheard him saying, "Coo, coo."

"Coo."

Unbelievable and you know as well, it's people's attitudes

in the States about it, talking about Kennedy.

People come up to me saying, "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man.

"Let it go.

"It's a long time ago, just forget about it."

I'm like, "All right, then don't bring up Jesus to me."

APPLAUSE

As long as we're talking shelf-life here.

"Bill, you know Jesus died for you."

"Yeah, it's a long time ago. Forget about it.

"How about this?

"Get Pilate to release the fucking files."

"Quit washing your hands, Pilate, and release the goddamn files.

"Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day?"

"Bill, it was just, you know...

"..taking over of democracy by totalitarian government.

"Let it go."

OK. Sorry.

That's another thing about Bush being gone, man,

cos the last 12 years with Reagan and Bush

we've had fundamentalist Christians in the White House.

Fundamentalist Christians who believe that the Bible

is exact word of God,

including that wacky fire and brimstone Revelations ending,

have had their finger on the fucking button for 12 years.

"Tell me when, Lord, tell me when!

"Let me be your servant, Lord!"

Fundamentalist Christianity, fascinating.

These people actually believe the world is 12,000 years old.

I swear to God! "Based on what?" I asked them.

"Well, we look at all the people in the Bible and we added them up,

"all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages - 12,000 years."

Well, how fucking scientific, OK!

I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there, that's good!

You believe the world's 12,000 years old? "That's right."

OK, I got one word to ask you, one-word question.

Ready? "Uh-huh."

Dinosaur.

You know, if the world's 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed,

and they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned

in the fucking Bible at some point.

"And Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth,

"but the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus...

"..with a splinter in his paw.

"And oh, the disciples did run, a-shreiking,

" 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!'

"But Jesus was unafraid, and he took the splinter

"from the brontosaurus' paw, and the big lizard became his friend.

"And Jesus sent him to Scotland, where he lived in a loch

"for oh, so many years, inviting thousands of American tourists

"to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills

"and, oh, Scotland did praise the Lord.

"Thank you, Lord.

"Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord."

But get this.

I actually asked one of these guys - OK, dinosaur fossils,

how does that fit into your scheme of life?

Let me sit down and strap in.

He said, "Dinosaur fossils?

"God put those here to test our faith."

Thank God I'm strapped in here now, man!

I think God put you here to test my faith, dude!

You believe that? "Uh-huh."

Does that trouble anyone here,

the idea that God might be fucking with our heads?

I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge.

Some prankster God running around, "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

"We will see who believes in me now!

"I am God, I am a prankster!

"I am killing me, ha, ha, ha!"

You die and go to St Peter, "Did you believe in dinosaurs?"

"Yeah, there were fossils everywhere... Agh!"

"You fucking idiot! Flying lizards? You're a moron!

"God was fucking with you!"

"It seemed so plausible! Agh!"

"Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!"

They believe this.

You ever notice how people who believe in creationism

look really un-evolved?

Did you ever notice that?

Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet.

"I believe God created me in one day."

Looks like he rushed it!

They believe the Bible is the exact word of God.

Then they change the Bible.

Pretty presumptuous, huh?!

"I think what God meant to say..."

I've never been that confident.

They actually have a Bible out called the New Living Bible.

It's the in Bible updated in modern English.

I guess to make it more palatable for people to read,

but it's really weird when you listen to it.

"And Jesus walked on water.

"And Peter said, 'Awesome!' "

Suddenly we've got Jesus hanging ten across the Sea of Galilee.

Christ's Bogus Adventure.

Deuteronomy, 90210.

It's such a weird belief.

A lot of Christians wear crosses round their necks?

You think when Jesus comes back he's going to want to see a fucking cross?

"Ow!"

That may be why he hasn't shown up yet!

"Man, they're still wearing crosses. Fuck it, I'm not going, Dad!

"No, they totally missed the point!

"When they start wearing fishes, I might show up again.

"Let me bury fossil heads with you, Dad.

"Fuck 'em, let's fuck with 'em.

"They're fucking with me now, let's go.

"Give me that brontosaurus head, Dad."

You know? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis

with a rifle pendant on.

"Just thinking of John, Jackie - we love him.

"Trying to keep that memory alive, baby."

Back and to the left.

Back and to the left.

Back and to the left.

Back and to the left.

Which, by the way, that action you see Kennedy's head do

on the Zapruder film...

..caused by a bullet...

..coming from up there. Yeah.

I know it looks to the layman

or someone who might dabble in physics...

..this action here would have been caused by a bullet coming from...

..well...

..up here. Did you see that?

Did everyone see that?

Yeah. But no, what happened was, Oswald's gun went off,

causing an echo to echo through the buildings of Dealey Plaza,

and the echo went by the limo on the left,

up into the grassy knoll, hitting some leaves,

causing dust to fly out,

which 56 witnesses testified was a gunshot,

cos immediately, Kennedy's head went over.

But the reason his head went over is

cos the echo went by the motorcade on the left,

and he went, "What was that?"

So there.

We've figured it out. Go back to bed, America.

Your government has figured out how it all transpired.

Go back to bed, America - your government is in control again.

Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this. Shut up.

Go back to bed, America.

Here's American Gladiators.

Here's 56 channels of it.

Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together

and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom.

Here you go, America. You are free to do as we tell you.

You are free to do as we tell you.

"Oh, good. Honey, I heard on the news

"that they figured out that the gun,

"what happened is that there was an echo

"and Kennedy was asking Jackie what it was,

"and that's why his head flew...

"Honey, what time's Gladiators on?

"Are we missing it? Woo, I'm so glad we're free, honey."

By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing,

kill yourself.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you, thanks.

Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds.

Maybe one day they'll take root, I don't know.

You try. You do what you can.

Kill yourselves.

Seriously, though, if you are, do.

No, really.

There's no rationalisation for what you do,

and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourself.

Seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good.

No, this is not a joke.

You're going, "There's going to be a joke coming" -

there's no fucking joke coming.

You are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage.

You are fucked and you are fucking us.

Kill yourself - it's the only way to save your fucking soul.

Kill yourself.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Planting seeds.

I know all the marketing people are going, "He's doing a joke" -

there's no joke here whatsoever.

Suck a tailpipe, fucking hang yourself,

borrow a gun from a Yank friend - I don't care how you do it.

Rid the world of your evil fucking machinations.

Mach... Whatever, you know what I mean.

I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now.

"You know what Bill's doing? He's going for that anti-marketing dollar.

"That's a good market. He's smart."

Oh, man, I am not doing that, you fucking evil scumbags.

"You know what Bill's doing now -

"he's going for the righteous-indignation dollar.

"That's a big dollar.

"Lot of people are feeling that, We've done research.

"Huge market. He's doing a good thing."

God damn it, I'm not doing that, you scumbags.

Quit putting a goddamn dollar sign on everything on this planet!

"Ooh, the anger dollar - huge!

"Huge in times of recession. Giant market.

"Bill's very bright to do that."

God, I'm just caught in a fucking web!

"The trapped dollar - big dollar, huge dollar. Good market.

"Look at our research. We see that many people feel trapped.

"If we play to them and separate them into the trapped dollar..."

How do you live like that?

I bet you sleep like fucking babies at night, don't you?

"What did you do tonight, honey?"

"Oh, we made arsenic a childhood food now. Good night."

HE SNORES

"Yeah, we just said, 'Is your baby really too loud?'

"Yeah, the mums'll love it, yeah."

Sleep like fucking children, don't you? This is your world, isn't it?

But I saw this movie this year, last year, called Basic...

..Instinct. OK, now, Bill's quick capsule review -

piece of shit. OK, now...

APPLAUSE

Yeah. End of story, by the way.

Don't get caught up in that fevered, hyped, phoney fucking debate

about that piece-of-shit movie.

"Is it too sexist? And what about the movies,

"are they becoming too...?"

You're just confused.

You've forgotten how to judge correctly. Take a deep breath.

Look at it again. "God, it's a piece of shit!"

Exactly. That's all it is.

Satan squatted, let out a load, they put a fucking title on it,

put it in a marquee, Satan's shit, piece of shit - walk away.

"But is it too...?

"And what about the lesbian...?"

You're getting really baffled here!

Piece of shit.

Now walk away.

That's all it is, it's nothing more!

Free yourself, folks. If you see...

Piece of shit - say it and walk away.

You're right.

You're right. Not those fuckers who want to tell you how to think.

You're fucking right!

Sorry - wrong meeting, again!

I keep getting my days mixed up!

Tomorrow, it's the meeting at the docks.

Tonight, it's comedy entertainment with young Bill!

Horrible film.

And then I come to find out after that film

that all the lesbian sex scenes...

Let me repeat that.

All...

All the lesbian sex scenes were cut out of that film

because the test audience was turned off by them.

Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America!

I don't want to seem like Randy Pan The Goat Boy, but...

..that was the only reason I went to that piece of shit.

If I'd been in that test audience, the only one out front protesting

that film would have been Michael Douglas, demanding his part be put back in.

"I swear I was in that movie, I swear I was."

Gee, Mike the movie you starred in, Sharon Stone was eating

another woman for an hour and a half...

..then the credits rolled.

I don't remember seeing your scrawny arse, Mike.

"Was Bill Hicks in that test audience?"

DEEP LAUGH

Bill Boy called it like he saw it, Mikey.

You made your 14 mil, now hit the fucking road.

Bill Boy is inviting some people over to see the video premier

of The Goat Boy, edited version.

Only I'm Goat Boy.

What do you want, Goat Boy,

you big, ol' smelly, shaggy thing?

DEEP LAUGH

Goat Boy is here to please you.

How?

DEEP LAUGH

Tie me to your headboard.

Throw your legs over my shoulders and let me wear you like a feedbag.

HE SLURPS

A-a-a-a-rgh!

Hold on to my horns.

I am available for children's parties, by the way.

"Mommy, I want Goat Boy to come play at our house."

DEEP LAUGH

But, you know...

Pot, right. Um...

They lie about marijuana,

tell you pot smoking makes you unmotivated - lie!

When you're high, you can do everything you normally do

just as well.

You just realise it's not worth the fucking effort.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There is a difference.

Sure, I can get up at dawn...

..go to a job I hate that doesn't inspire me creatively, whatsoever...

..for the rest of my fucking life.

Or I can wake up at noon...

..and learn how to play the sitar.

HE MAKES TWANGING NOISES

Pretty simple when it's spelled out in black and white, isn't it?

You know?

The only thing I've ever heard about pot is that it might lower sperm count.

Good!

There's too many fucking people in the world.

Someone needs to say that, by the way.

Tired of this, "Aren't we the coolest? Humans are so neat."

Too many of you.

Quit rutting, just for a fucking day.

Let's work out this food-air deal.

Then go back to your rutting.

But I tell you this,

where this idea that childbirth is a miracle came from...

I missed that fucking meeting, OK?

"It's a miracle, childbirth is a miracle."

No, it's not.

No more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass,

all right?

It's a chemical reaction, that's all it fucking is.

You want to know what a miracle is?

Raising a kid that doesn't talk in a movie theatre, OK?

There's a goddamn miracle.

It's not a miracle if every nine months, every yin-yang

in the world can drop a litter of these mewling cabbages on our planet.

And just in case you haven't seen the single moms statistics,

the miracle is spreading like wildfire.

# Hallelujah!

Trailer parks and council flats all over the world just filling up with little miracles.

Thunk, thunk, thunk - like frogs laying eggs.

Thunk. "Look at all my little miracles." Thunk.

"Filling up my trailer like a sardine can." Thunk.

"You know what would be a real miracle? If I could remember your daddy's name." Thunk.

Guess I'll have to call you "Lorry Driver Junior".

Thunk.

"All I remember about your daddy was his fuzzy pot belly,

"riding on top of me, shooting his caffeine-ridden semen into my belly,

"to produce my little water head miracle baby." Thunk.

"There's your brother - Pizza Boy Delivery Junior."

# Hallelujah!

Just hold on for a minute and let's figure out this food-air deal, OK?

OK.

I'm just weird. How about have a neat world for kids to come to?

OK, it's me, fuck it.

Drop them like fucking flies, just fill up the world with them.

I just don't get it.

I'm sorry, kids are fine, just keep them away from me.

I've been travelling all over the country on British Air, no smoking on British Air.

Let me get this straight, no smoking, but they allow children.

A little fairness, huh?

"Smoking bothers me."

Well, guess what?

I was on this one flight, I'm sleeping on the plane and I'm fucking "knackered".

Very tired, and I feel this tapping on my head.

I look up and there's this little kid.

Loose...on the fucking plane.

He's just loose.

It's his playground in the sky.

And he's decided that his job

is to repetitively tap me on the top of the head.

I look across the aisle at his mom, she's just smiling.

This guy next to the mum goes,

"They're so cute when they're that small."

That's amazing, letting your kid run loose on a fucking plane.

The kid runs over to the emergency exit

and starts flipping the handle on the door.

And the guy next to the mum starts to get up.

And I go, "Wait a minute...

"What about him learning an important lesson, right here?"

"You're right, the smaller he gets, the cuter he is."

APPLAUSE

"I wish I had a camera right now...

"with a telescopic lens.

"Love to get a picture of his face,

"when his pudgey little legs hit that farmhouse down there.

"Ah, kids... Ha-ha-ha!

"Stewardess, since we've got a breeze in here, can we smoke now?

Fairly well circulated at this point.

But, you know..?

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet.

Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law

seem to you a bit paranoid?

You know what I mean, it's nature.

How do you make nature against the fucking law?

It grows everywhere, serves a 1,000 different functions,

all of them positive.

To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake.

It's like God looked down on the seventh day,

"There it is, my creation, perfect and holy in all ways,

"now I can rest.

"Oh, my me!

"I left fucking pot everywhere!

"I should never have smoked that joint on the third day.

"That was the day I created possums.

"Ha-ha-ha!

"Ohh... Still gives me a chuckle.

"If I leave pot everywhere, that's going to give humans the impression they're supposed to...use it!

"Now I have to create Republicans."

'And God wept',

I believe is the next verse.

You know what I mean? I believe that God left certain drugs

growing naturally upon our planet

to help speed up and facilitate our evolution.

OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed.

Either that or you're real high

and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now.

I forgot the code.

Is it two blinks, yes, one blink, no?

Do you think magic mushrooms growing atop cow shit was an accident?

Where do you think the phrase "That's good shit" came from?

Why do you think Hindus think cows are holy?

Holy shit!

Why do I think McDonald's is the Antichrist?

That's God's little accelerator pad for our evolution.

Think about this, man. For billions of years - sorry, fundamentalists -

we were nothing but apes.

HE GRUNTS LIKE AN APE

Probably too stupid to catch a cow, you know.

HE GRUNTS URGENTLY

HE GRUNTS DEJECTEDLY

HE SOBS LIKE AN APE

Ooooh!

HE GRUNTS QUESTIONINGLY

HE GRUNTS IN ANNOYANCE

HE SNIFFS AND CHEWS

HE GRUNTS

HE GIGGLES

HE GRUNTS FRANTICALLY, GIGGLES

HE GIGGLES

HE LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY

HE EMITS A LOW, CONTINUOUS GROAN

I think we can go to the moon!

HE HUMS "ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA"

That is exactly how it fucking happened.

Except for the marketing people, whose belief is,

"No, it was proven that, uh...it might be a good market on the moon.

"And, uh...a lot of people went up there,

"good numbers, good space numbers."

Eww!

Save your story of creation, please.

Not all drugs are good, now.

OK? Some of them are great.

Just try to know your way around them, is all.

You know. I've had good times on drugs.

I've had bad times on drugs, too.

I mean, shit, look at this haircut.

There are dangers.

Think some of y'all have tripped here before.

I used to love tripping, man.

There was always one guy when you were tripping,

wants you to do something to enhance the trip.

You know what I'm talking about?

"You're tripping? Oh, dude!

"You've got to play miniature golf."

HE GIGGLES WEAKLY

Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking, man.

HE PANTS HEAVILY

I'm sitting watching the pyramids be built by UFOs right now, but...

..get me to that fucking golf course!

I'm watching Jesus fly around on a unicorn, but...

I bet that little miniature golf

will be just the thing to make this trip peak.

So you guys can use your legs, huh?

No, it's just that I'm turning into a fish right now, and...

how about I meet you there later?

Yeah, thanks. I'm pretty fucking high right now.

Thank you.

You know. You just got to be careful.

I don't know what you've got to be, fuck it.

We got pulled over tripping on acid one night, pulled over by the cops.

Don't recommend it.

Cops don't appreciate fish driving around.

They frown on that.

Long night, man. Cops were tapping on this window.

We're staring at 'em in this mirror.

How tall are you?

He's a little cop, look at him!

How does he drive that big fucking car?

Man, there could be thousands of them, shit.

What are we going to do?

Let's put him in a jar!

It made perfect sense at that moment.

Put him in a jar, poke some holes in the lid, leave him by the road.

You'll never get us, coppers!

We'll send some real firemen to let you out.

Hey, I bet they know where the miniature golf course is.

Boo!

Fuck it, they scared US.

Son, you want to stand up, please?

I just found the driver.

"We don't need a driver, we're playing miniature golf."

True story.

Now...

Later, when I was released...

I mean, spiritually. I feel...

"I need to see some ID."

" I'm me, he's him, you're you!"

"Put your hands against the car, please."

" Which one?"

" The UFO, the unicorn or your cruiser?"

Drugs have done good things for us.

If you don't believe they have, take all your albums, tapes, CDs and burn them.

Cos the musicians who made that great music

that has enhanced your lives throughout the years? All real fucking high.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-OK!

And these other musicians today who don't do drugs

and in fact, speak out against them?

Boy, do they suck!

What a coincidence!

Ball-less, soulless, spiritless, corporate little bitches,

suckers of Satan's cock, each and every one of them.

HE SNORTS

"We're rock stars against drugs, that's what the President wants!"

Oh, suck Satan's cock!

That's what we want, isn't it?

Government-approved rock and roll. Whoo! We're partying now!

"We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials!"

HE SNORTS

Suck Satan's cock!

Put that big, scaly pecker down your gullet!

Drink that black worm jism. Drink it!

Fill your little bellies.

HE GROANS

" Send in Vanilla Ice.

" Hello, Vanilla!

" It says here on your application, you have no talent.

" And yet you want to be a star.

"I think something could be arranged.

Suck Satan's cock!

HE GROANS

I will lower the standards of the Earth.

I will put 56 channels of American Gladiators in every TV.

I will put all of the money in the hands of 14-year-old girls.

They'll think you're charismatic, deep and edgy.

HE MOANS AND GROANS

" Send in MC Hammer on your way out."

" Hello, Hammer. Back again, huh?"

Well, that Hammer, that was another boat that left me on the island.

Billy, can you get on the hammer boat with us?!

No, I'd rather stay here and eat my own flesh!

HE IMITATES BOAT HORN

Totally mystified.

You know, you could sit and explain it to me from now until, well,

the end of time, and I'll go, "Fucking don't get it, man."

It's, genital...it's congenital.

It's genetic!

Maybe it is genital. Hey, wait a minute.

Freud, come here!

Hammer's a great dancer.

What?! The guy's got a sand crab in his knickers.

That's not dancing. He's having a fit!

That's Satan's sperm eating its way through the lining of his stomach.

HE GROANS

" 15 minutes. Almost up, Hammer!"

Urgh. Aarrrgh!

" Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

" Send in Marky Mark."

And the beat goes... Yeah.

I don't know. It's good for the voice.

HE PANTS

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Call me!

Hey, don't fuck with me, man!

You know what I mean, though,

am I the only one that's fucking lost here?

You never see positive drugs stories on the news, do you?

Isn't that weird, since most of the experiences I've had on drugs were real fucking positive!

Who are these morons they're finding, that's what I want to know?

I used to want to call the news. Come over to our house!

Watch Tommy! He's a pig! Film him!

-HE GRUNTS LIKE A PIG

-He's been doing that for hours!

He's killing us! You getting all that?!

You know what I mean?

Always that same LSD story, you've all seen it.

"Young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped out of a building".

"What a tragedy!" What a dick. Fuck him!

He's an idiot! If he thought he could fly,

why didn't he take off from the ground first?!

Check it out!

You don't see ducks line-up to catch elevators to fly south.

They fly from the ground, you moron, quit ruining it for everybody.

He's a moron. He's dead. Good.

We lost a moron. Fucking celebrate!

Well, I just felt the world get lighter.

We lost a moron!

Put on the Hammer album. I'm ready to dance!

# We lost a moron!

I don't mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious, but I am,

so that's the way it comes out.

Professional help is being sought.

How about a positive LSD story?

Wouldn't that be newsworthy, for just once, to base

your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition?

And lies.

Just once.

I think it would be newsworthy.

"Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely

"energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we

"are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively".

"There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream

"and we are the imagination of ourselves.

"Here's Tom with the weather".

You've been fantastic and I hope you enjoyed it.

There's a point, is there a point to all this?

Let's find a point.

Is there a point to my act? I would say there is.

I have to.

The world is like a ride at an amusement park

and when you choose to go on it, you think it's real,

because that's how powerful our minds are,

and the ride goes up and down and around and around. It has thrills

and chills, it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud.

And it's fun, for a while, some people have been on

the ride for a long time and begin to question - is this real

or is this just a ride?

And other people have remembered, and come back to us,

and they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever,

" because this is just a ride."

And we kill those people.

" Shut him up."

" We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up!"

Look at my furrows of worry.

Look at my big bank account and my family.

This has to be real.

It's just a ride.

But we always kill those good guys that try and tell us that.

You ever notice that? And let the demons run amok.

But it doesn't matter, because, it's just a ride.

And we can change it any time we want.

It's only a choice.

No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money, a choice,

right now, between fear and love.

The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door,

buy guns, close yourself off,

the eyes of love, instead see all of us as one.

Here's what we can do to change the world right now,

to a better ride, take all that money we spent on weapons

and defence each year and instead spend it feeding, clothing,

educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over,

not one human being excluded and we can explore space.

Together. Both inner and outer.

Forever. In peace. Thank you very much.

You've been great. I hope you enjoyed it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

London! You were fantastic! Thank you! Thank you very much!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

GUNSHOT

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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