Charlie Brooker's 2011 Wipe


Charlie Brooker takes a comedic look back at the events of 2011 - a year of royal weddings, riots and phone-hacking - with the help of Doug Stanhope, Adam Curtis and Brian Limond.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting

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Hello. I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching 2011 Wipe

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about the least eventful year in human history

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in which so little happened, it's embarrassing trying to drum up interest.

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This year, Kim Jong-il died, too late to be featured in this show,

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Jeremy Clarkson made a serious call for cold-blooded murder.

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Frankly, I'd have them all shot.

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That wasn't the only TV controversy.

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The winner is The Only Way Is Essex.

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The glamorous BAFTAs tail-spun into absurdity when The Only Way Is Essex won an Audience Award,

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defining the moment humankind lost any right to claim it was more sophisticated than lichen.

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TOWIE, as people insist on calling it, is a reality soap about a town full of vinyl sex dolls

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and is the first BAFTA-winning show to feature a sequence in which its cast try to light their own farts.

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It's been such a hit, it's been joined by similar fodder like E4's terrifying Made In Chelsea,

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which is more a glossy commercial for depersonalisation disorder.

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I watched it online and it was interrupted by a bizarre advert with the Dolmio puppets.

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I realised that the Dolmio puppets' world was more realistic

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than Made In Chelsea.

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The year started well for Britain with the triumph of nostalgic tongue-twister, The King's Speech,

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which starred Colin Firth as Mr George King

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whose mouth wouldn't do what it was told

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and Helena Bonham Carter as the Empire's first quilf.

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The bulk of the film is a sort of Rocky for stammerers

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as George King overcomes several hurdles and learns to smile and speak like a human being,

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instead of an excruciatingly buffering podcast.

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It all builds to a finale in which Timothy Spall playing Baron Greenback, the royals

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and a shitload of plebs gather to hear Mr George King deliver a speech

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during which he can't drop below 60 words per minute or the bomb on the bus will explode.

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I nodded off in the middle section.

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Since it was the speech he gave announcing the advent of World War Two,

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it's like a feel-good movie about a doctor who overcomes his fear of X-rays to diagnose your death.

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Come on, King, tell them about the advent of World War Two. Announce their doom. Come on!

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With God's help...

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..we shall...

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..prevail.

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Yes, he did it! He announced the advent of World War Two during which 450,000 Britons died

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and millions were butchered worldwide. Hooray for George King! Yeah!

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In summary, a good film. You know, a bit t-talky.

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Meanwhile, in foreign lands, Tunisia was getting a bit fighty.

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Way back in 2010, the average Briton only knew two things about Tunisia.

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One, it was where they filmed Star Wars and two, that was all we knew about Tunisia.

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As you could see from the footage, Tunisia seemed like a great holiday destination. Look at it.

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It's got a lovely beach, idyllic sunset, a massive bloody fire.

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Tunisia's sun spot status quickly changed when thousands took to the streets

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after a desperate young vegetable seller set himself on fire,

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an act of "to-martyrdom" that sent shock waves across the Arab world.

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President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali, which sounds like a can of springs bouncing down stairs, was toppled,

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the first in a cut-out-and-keep series of badly dyed despots who got the heave-ho.

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The Arab Spring posed a quandary.

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For years, the news had shown us footage of furious Arabs chanting "Death to the West".

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Now the furious Arabs were the good guys.

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Prior to this year, there was little reporting of who the Arab leaders were.

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Suddenly, they were everywhere, being hit in the face with shoes, sometimes a whole shoe factory,

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as in this alarming Sky News moment.

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Soon, the despot-toppling craze was sweeping through the Arab world like the norovirus on a cruise ship

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and next up was Egypt, run by Hosni Mubarak, played here by the Count from Sesame Street.

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Mubarak was a bit of a tyrant whose zany resistance-crushing affectations were tolerated

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because he brought "stability" to the region. As February arrived, we could see how stable he made things.

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In a normal year, a revolution in Egypt would be the biggest story, but 2011 wasn't normal,

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more like an end-of-season finale for all of mankind.

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As Mubarak left the stage, Colonel Gaddafi began feeling the heat.

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To millions, Gaddafi was a cartoon character from the '80s, like Garfield, slightly less plausible.

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The West regarded him as a bad guy due to his links to very bad events.

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Like many '80s icons, a few decades later, Gaddafi reinvented himself for a new audience

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with an ironic nice guy act which earned him this roadside snog from Tony Blair,

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but millions of Libyans didn't find him so sexy.

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Emboldened by what had happened in Tunisia and Egypt, they rose up...

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Cue a brutal crackdown which led to these tragic scenes.

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When rumours spread that Gaddafi had fled to Venezuela,

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he appeared on TV to deny it in a Vic and Bob style sketch, captured for posterity

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by Sky News.

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Rest assured... Oh, it's raining.

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I was going to talk with the youth in Green Square tonight,

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but it's raining and that's a good omen,

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so I just want to show them I am in Tripoli and not in Venezuela.

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Don't believe the broadcasts of those stray dogs. Bye!

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Yeah, bye, you mad prick!

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Gaddafi's charm offensive continued with a dinner date with journalists including the BBC's Jeremy Bowen.

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If I had to interview a possibly insane, murderous despot, I'd be nervous,

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but Jeremy is such a pro,

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he can launch into small talk.

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This is a very nice spot. Excellent.

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This date's going well. I wonder if they'll get to third base?

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Bowen opened with a hard question which Gaddafi answered expertly and cogently.

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Mr Gaddafi, thanks for seeing us.

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It's nearly seven o'clock in the evening here in Tripoli

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and you're in your capital city,

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but there are large areas of this country which you no longer control.

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There are even people in towns quite near here

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who are part of this rising, this rebellion.

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What will you do about all of that?

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HE CHUCKLES

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What is the question?

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Another megalomaniac who was making waves was Charlie Sheen

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who in the war on drugs was the official spokesman for drugs.

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Having gone through a public drug-fuelled meltdown, Sheen confounded the US media

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by refusing to respond in an apologetic manner

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when interviewed by a reporter with a stick up her arse.

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If you look at when you used drugs, are you disgusted with yourself?

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No, I'm proud of what I created. It was radical.

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You're proud of that party moment?

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-Why wouldn't I be?

-Why would you be?

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Hit him till he says he hates drugs!

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All these radio rants have people thinking, "Charlie Sheen has got to be on drugs."

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Sure. Yeah. Yeah, I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen.

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Charlie Sheen describing a drug called Charlie Sheen.

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I don't know how you'd take Charlie Sheen, although I suspect vaginally or anally or orally. In that order.

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March is rarely a pretty month and this one was uglier than usual.

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In Japan, cameras caught footage of a natural disaster so ghastly,

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it was hard for us to comprehend.

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This was followed by a crisis at the Fukushima nuclear plant.

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This was terrifying because the news had to try and explain how a nuclear reactor worked,

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so hysterical Fox News Pollyanna Glenn Beck proved his expertise

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by simulating nuclear fusion with tubes of M&M's and some saucepans.

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The core is in this facility, containment facility.

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I'm going to have to take these M&M's out. Darn it!

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Well done, butter fingers! You've killed millions!

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My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding was great.

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It was like an Attenborough thing with gypsies instead of polar bears.

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-Come to me, woman!

-It let you look at a group of people you never get to see and judge 'em,

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but also laugh at 'em, so we had two things - judging and laughing.

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It looked like Star Trek, but with sort of Irish people.

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Like Irish Star Trek. It gave you a deep cultural insight into what thighs and arses look like

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but ones from a forbidden world.

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It had all these garish outfits you could look down on

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and these dodgy cultural practices.

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It's not long before the grabbing begins.

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People said it was racist. It wasn't because none of 'em were black.

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Even if they had been, it wouldn't b racist. You weren't laughing at thei skin, but everything else about them

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In London, a demonstration opposing government cuts began with a speech from Ed Miliband.

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This government will say this is a march of the minority.

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They are so wrong.

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But barnstorming Ed was overshadowed at least in terms of news coverage

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when trouble reared its head.

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The "black bloc" of anarchists dressed head to toe

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in a face-obscuring leisurewear burka attacked anything shop-shaped.

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They kicked a bank in the bollocks.

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A Sky News cameraman got carried away and seemed to join in

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to be rewarded with footage of an anarchist fearlessly breaking in

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and attacking some leaflets.

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UK Uncut carried out a genteel protest in Fortnum & Mason's,

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only to find themselves kettled in

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by cops in scenes which resembled the game Tetris.

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There was anger around the cuts, reflected in the House of Commons.

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There were tense exchanges between Lord David Camera Bum and Edwardian Miliband that we can't show.

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We're not allowed to use footage from the House of Commons or the Select Committee or Leveson Inquiry.

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We can't show you Prime Minister's Questions or Murdoch getting hit with a pie or Hugh Grant.

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We're seen as an entertainment show,

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unlike This Week which can use the footage

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as it's a proper current affairs show. Look, proper current affairs!

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MUSIC: "Born Slippy" - Underworld

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Fortunately, however, we can bring you a theatrical reconstruction, so we have.

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For the purposes of this show, several stars from Made In Chelsea

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have staged a performance of parliamentary proceedings in the Hen & Chickens Theatre, Islington.

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Here, Chelsea's Ollie Locke relives the controversial moment David Cameron said, "Calm down, dear."

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He's no longer an MP because he lost the election.

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I'm afraid he is now a GP. MUTTERING

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Calm down, dear. Listen to the doctor.

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See, brilliant! Take that, the law!

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Wildlife and viewers of Britain's premier controversy hothouse,

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The One Show, tuned in to see a peculiar creature staring at an owl.

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I think he'll eat it. Prime Minibot David Replicant sat there as a man tried to sell him a bird of prey.

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This is the complete predator. If you look at the feathers, they're totally soft along the edge,

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so she flies completely silently. The prey never hears her coming.

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I've heard an owl coming. It went, "Twit-twoo-oo-oo!"

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-Four mice a day. This could be competition.

-How many mice do you eat? Five?

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Having failed to buy or eat the owl and having seen footage of it eating a mouse without licking his lips,

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the PM-a-tron was now free to leave, but not before Matt Baker kerplunked him with an awkward question.

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How on earth do you sleep at night?

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-Um...

-Cameron must have thought, "Who the hell does this Countryfile presenter think he is?"

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April and what could be better to take the nation's mind off the background stench of doom

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than a feel-good royal wedding?

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The BBC showed an advert proving it would be watched by stars and plebs.

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They milked the build-up, conducting a series of hard-hitting interviews with royal experts like this.

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-Young Matilda here... Hello, are you excited about this?

-Yes, I am.

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-Yes?

-Yes.

-And do you think Kate will be a nice princess?

-Yes.

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-Yes?

-Yes.

-She's very pretty, isn't she?

-Yes, she is.

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Well done, you. Have a lovely day.

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Come the day, there was wall-to-wall coverage as Kate got into a car which drove down a road and stopped,

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then she got out, revealing her dress, which made some crowd members almost spew with joy!

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I was glued to my screen because I was playing Portal 2, one of the best video games ever.

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Why waste my afternoon watching Ben Fogle get married when I could clamber through teleportation holes?

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Everyone else seemed to be watching a global Rear of the Year contest

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as Kate's sister Pippa stole the show by owning buttocks.

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You'd have thought she stuck her bum in the font!

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The US networks were even more butt-happy with report after report.

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There were sinister features in which viewers were told

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how to get a booty like Pippa's using surgery.

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If you asked women, "Would you like a sexier, curvaceous buttock,"

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there would almost be an overwhelming "yes".

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One American who wasn't massively impressed with the royal wedding was comedian Doug Stanhope

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who joins us now for some whining in an accent.

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MUSIC: "Hail To The Chief"

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I'm Doug Stanhope and that's why I drink.

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There was a big royal wedding that happened over here.

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I didn't hear about it because I was in the Antarctic somewhere with my head in a bucket of tar,

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like a David Blaine trick, for six months, so I didn't have to hear about it.

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It irks me that I spent eight years coming over here under the George Bush regime

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with my head hung in shame saying, "It's not my fault, it's not my fault,"

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the whole time not realising you guys still have royalty. How embarrassing is that?

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You have queens and dukes and princesses.

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Do you have wizards and fairies and dragons?

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For God's sake, is this a country or a Renaissance festival?

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What kind of Dungeons and Dragons bullshit is that? I'm apologising for George...?

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How dare you ever make fun of any democratically elected official

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when you still have this Dark Ages nonsense going on?

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There was this thing called super-injunctions

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which meant you weren't allowed to say things which everybody knew about Ryan Giggs,

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except you were allowed to type about them on the internet.

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The police can't find you because the internet doesn't have a postcode

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Andrew Marr had a super-injunction. I felt sorry for him because every week at the start of his show,

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he had to drive to work in that toy car to make him look stupid

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get the papers himself and go into the office knowing all the staff wer talking about his super-injunction

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and stand in the lift with his ears burning. That's the price you pay for going on telly.

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Once someone's on telly, you have the right to know who they're sleeping with

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or what's on their phone or what their secret fears are or what hand they wipe their arse with

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or what it would look like if you pulled their pants down and stared right up their arsehole

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because it's in the public interest.

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If you're wondering what an anonymous tabloid hack might make of the super-injunction saga,

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here's anonymous tabloid hack Fleet Street Fox with her personal view.

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It was very frustrating as a journalist

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to know that everyone on Twitter was talking about the things

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that we weren't allowed to report.

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Quite a few of them were in the public interest, but if I mentioned it, I could lose my job or my home,

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whereas the average man in the stree can repeat the gossip he's heard in the pub.

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75,000-odd people broke the Giggs injunction on Twitter and not one ha any court action taken against them.

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The media couldn't cover it. That was why it was a farce.

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We couldn't even report the fact that people were breaching an injunction. It was ridiculous.

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The injunctions were brought under Article 8 of the Human Rights Act

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which says everybody has a right to respect for privacy in family life.

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It doesn't say you have a right to a secret life and the two are very, very different.

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Marriage is a public thing and a public record.

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If you're making money out of your marriage or out of being in a happy relationship

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or misleading the public in some way, perhaps you ought to be honest about the fact that it's not working

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If you don't respect your privacy and your family life by sleeping with hookers,

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I'm not going to respect you either.

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Hooray, it's May and after battling to victory

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in a thrilling edition of WWE Extreme Rules Wrestling,

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beefy John Cena makes a shock announcement.

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We have caught and compromised to a permanent end

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Osama Bin Laden.

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Once the crowd had slowly unlocked the meaning of those words,

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an inspiring scene transpired as John prowled the cheering arena,

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everyone bathed in the reflected glory of a criminal

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thousands of miles away being shot by soldiers they didn't know

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in a manner that is in no way disturbing or homo-erotic.

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Let's not judge. That may look like an outpouring of joy, but it's actually just relief.

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Fox News anchor Geraldo Rivera was so relieved when he heard the news,

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he livened up his broadcast by spontaneously spouting lyrics.

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Bin Laden is dead, Bin Laden is dead

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Shot in the chest, then in the head.

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Multiple sources, Osama Bin Laden is dead. Happy days!

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Yay!

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This is the greatest night of my career. The bum is dead!

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They shot four other people too. One of them was a woman. Hooray!

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I'm so blessed, I'm so privileged to be at this desk at this moment.

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Yay! Have a pint of blood on me. Cheers!

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It's just relief he's expressing, not joy.

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Jubilant scenes spread across all the news networks as crowds gathered

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in not a ghoulish way to celebrate the death of the bearded murderer. More relief, not joy.

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Within months, Osama's take-down had been turned into a docu-drama

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full of interviews with the people responsible. It's nice to know

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that in battling a monster, the Americans didn't become monsters themselves which is often the case.

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A monster revels in death, but they were expressing relief, not joy.

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One image that comes out of this is the fact

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that Bin Laden's final sight on this Earth

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was the muzzle of a US Navy SEAL.

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For those of us who have been lookin for Bin Laden for a long time,

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to know that that was the last thing that he saw is actually a moment of joy.

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Ed Miliband is brilliant, right?

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He's like a boy who's won a competition to lead a party,

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but he always looks worried like someone is going to throw his satchel on the roof.

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Then in June, Ed Miliband broke.

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He was being interviewed on the news about strikes.

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They asked him what he thinks about the strikes and he says...

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These strikes are wrong when negotiations are still going on.

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Then they ask him another question.

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When negotiations are still going on, these strikes are wrong.

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-Then he says it again, right?

-The strikes are wrong when negotiations are still going on.

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-He keeps saying it.

-These strikes are wrong because negotiations are still going on.

-I'm going mental.

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Stop him saying it. It's like you're stuck in a box with him saying...

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It's wrong at a time when negotiations are still going on.

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After a while, they give up. Someone must have reset his Wi-Fi as he was all right the next day.

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Then he was back to walking around looking sexy because he is really sexy, he's a powerhouse.

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I bet he goes at it like a jackhammer. Cor!

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We were entertained by thousands of brilliant TV commercials, none of which we'll look at now.

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We start with a terrifying horror film set in a world

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in which the human brain no longer exists.

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Isn't this the sort of thing the losing team make in The Apprentice during Advert Week?

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The one crumb of comfort you can draw from this commercial

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is the knowledge that everyone involved in making it or merely watching it will one day die.

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Teeth. In a sinister development for dental care, a bastard bothers shoppers with a probe.

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-Is your toothpaste working?

-Of course.

-Time for a quick check.

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Bacteria? But I brushed this morning

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Don't lie, you bitch! The probe knows everything.

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-The next day, she obeyed the regime's orders.

-See?

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Wow! Where's all that bacteria? I'm impressed.

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Now pull your pants down for stage two of the inspection.

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Coffee! These absurd ads try to seduce women by shoving fantasy men

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before them like man carrots.

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How do you like your coffee?

0:21:170:21:19

-How about smooth, sensual and with these?

-Not really. Mauve doesn't do anything for my legs.

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I'm going to move my stuff out of the bedroom,

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so there's more room for your enormous handbags.

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-Don't talk about my testicles like that!

-How do you like your coffee?

0:21:310:21:36

Er... Black?

0:21:360:21:39

How about smooth, aromatic

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and with a long conversation?

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-No, just black.

-How do you like YOUR coffee?

0:21:440:21:48

-Tossed in your

-BLEEP

-face?

-How about smooth, aromatic...

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-and in Paris?

-No, I prefer it in mugs.

0:21:520:21:56

As July arrived, the phone-hacking saga suddenly became a horror story.

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The story had gained momentum, but no-one cared if the tabloids were hacking celebrities' phones.

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They're not real, probably a form of animated pate!

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-If they got stories by waterboarding soap stars, no-one would mind.

-Are you pregnant? Are you up the duff?

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-Got a bun in the oven?

-But on July 4th, the story broke which changed everything.

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More revelations in the News Of The World hacking scandal.

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It's accused of intercepting Milly Dowler's phone.

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Never again could the paper be seen as a bit of crinkly bog roll that was cruel to celebs.

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Now it was cruel to real people.

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The story got worse. The shocking, grim headlines kept coming.

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It was as if the paper was in a game of onedownmanship with itself.

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With so many victims of tragedy, I'm surprised the cast of The Poseidon Adventure weren't on the list.

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Later, The Guardian admitted

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The Screws probably hadn't deleted Milly's voicemails,

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but they had accessed them and people weren't impressed.

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Being a tabloid reporter is not the most noble profession,

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but now it was on a par with necrophiliac porn wrangler

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and it didn't help that the only person defending the red tops

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was former Screws hack and ethical vacuum, Paul McMullan.

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I've always said I've just tried to write articles in a truthful way

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and what better source of getting the truth

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is to listen to someone's messages?

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-That might sound frivolous, but...

-It's also immoral?

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You're a walking PR disaster for the tabloids as you don't come across in a sympathetic way.

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You come across as a risible individual.

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That is amazing of Steve Coogan -

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to be able to play Alan Partridge and Paul McMullan in the same room at the same time!

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We'll no longer be able to expose celebrities for taking coke and cheating on their wives

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which, to be honest, I always found a bit of fun.

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Everyone had a go - Liverpudlians...

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You had to ask me who I was. You didn't even know what I'd done.

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-Former colleagues...

-People have been thrown out of work because of things people like you have done

0:23:590:24:05

and besmirched the name of a good paper.

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-Hugh Grant.

-Your only motive was profit.

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You have no interest in journalism. It's money, money, money.

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You should try real journalism. You could probably do it.

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He had to eat more shit than David Walliams swimming up the Thames.

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You could watch him getting shabbier and shabbier, limping from studio

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to studio like he was trying to keep warm

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until viewers texted in, trying to vote him off.

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BEEPING Sorry, my phone's beeping. I'll just turn that off.

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I'd leave him a voicemail, but I don't know if he'd listen to it.

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It's fine sniggering at tabloid hacks, but what about their editors?

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Imagine being a tabloid editor! It's like working down a shit mine.

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Imagine going to work every day and actively making the world worse!

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"What did you do today, darling?"

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"I ran a story about a Muslim council banning the word 'chalk' because it sounds like 'pork'."

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"Really? Is that true?" "Nah."

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Attention focused on the editors who did or didn't know what was going on.

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Andy Coulson had claimed total ignorance and resigned twice.

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Now pressure was mounting on News International CEO Rebekah Brooks

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who had kept the News Of The Screws going, spending years expertly stopping the monitors wobbling.

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An unimpressed public organised boycotts, trying to bring down the empire with their keyboards.

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At the end of the week, the Death Star exploded. Cue excitable headlines from around the globe!

0:25:280:25:34

Sunday's News Of The World will be the last edition of the paper.

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This is massive news. I don't think anyone could have predicted

0:25:370:25:41

that it would end like this.

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We do know tonight that after 168 years, the World is ending

0:25:440:25:50

I bought the final News Of The World. In the newsagent's, no-one would look anyone else in the eye.

0:25:500:25:55

It was like we had found a corpse of a bear in the woods and we were queuing up to have sex with it.

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The thing itself is a curious artefact.

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It had a strangely muted final front page - "thank you & goodbye".

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Normally when a despised monster is killed, it just lets out a howl like, "Aaargh!"

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That should have been what was on the front page.

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It's the strangest edition of the News Of The World ever.

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First of all, they've got this final editorial saying goodbye.

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That must have been tricky, concentrating on the paper's good points,

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a bit like writing the eulogy at Fred West's funeral.

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What do you say? "He was good with his hands, virile"?

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There was the usual mix of, "Here's the good things we did. Look, here's a bum we showed you."

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And these little farewell messages from readers scattered around like little tragic croutons.

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"Britain will never be the same again," says Les from Manchester. Yes, it will.

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Then in the middle they've got this special souvenir pull-out,

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a souvenir pull-out of all their greatest front pages.

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Kerry Katona doing coke. Proud of that.

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Someone hid a camera in Kerry Katona's bathroom.

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If I hid a camera in a woman's bathroom, I'd expect to go to prison.

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Luckily, I hide them so well, no-one will find them.

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"Jacko's deathbed." Now, that's tasteful, isn't it?

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"This is the sensational first picture of the bed where Michael Jackson took his last breath."

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That's nice, isn't it? And you look at all of this, all these sort of gaudy front pages

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and you just go, "Yeah, I'm glad it died."

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But deleting The Screws from history did not help stem the crisis.

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Before long, Brooks had to resign, seen leaving the building disguised as an unhappy Charles II.

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Attention was also on her boss, media tycoon Rupert Murdoch,

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seen here in the least convincing match.com poster campaign ever.

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For years, it was as though Rupert Murdoch represented God

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and all our public figures were medieval villagers terrified of speaking ill of him.

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You must never anger God. God can hear everything you say, especially if you say it in a voicemail.

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God has the power to destroy you, for he controls The Sun

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and soon he will control the entire Sky, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

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Suddenly, after the phone-hacking revelations, it was like a jamming signal had been switched off

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and everyone could talk openly about him for the first time ever.

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This media oligarch was losing his touch and soon he had to appear before the Select Committee

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with his sidekick James-Bot 2.0.

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In accordance with regulations, Made In Chelsea's Oliver Proudlock plays Rupert Murdoch

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while Jamie Laing plays his robot offspring James.

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Louise Mensch is performed by Cesca Hull.

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The Select Committee was like a bush tucker trial for Murdoch. He began by swallowing his own dignity.

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Before you get to that, I would just like to say one sentence. This is the most humble day of my life.

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And for seconds, a slice of unexpected foam pie.

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Oh, no!

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What exactly is a Rupert Murdoch? Here's a short film from Adam Curtis explaining what he thinks.

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This is the story of how Rupert Murdoch took over the old newspapers of Fleet Street

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and used them to wage a cultural revolution against the snobbish elites that dominated Britain.

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But there was a weird logic to Murdoch's revolution

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that would lead him to intrude ever more deeply into people's private lives

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and would eventually bring his empire to the brink of destruction.

0:29:310:29:35

And it talks on the phone?

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The world's top talking parrot...

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Murdoch's populist revolution failed to change Britain's power structure,

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yet his failure would open the way for the rise of a new elite

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who are far more invasive into all our private lives than Murdoch's papers ever were.

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Well, we'll send one of our best parrot photographers. How's that?

0:29:580:30:03

Rupert Murdoch shocked the British establishment right from the start.

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In 1969 he bought the News of the World and published the diaries of call girl Christine Keeler.

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They unearthed an old sex scandal about a Conservative politician called John Profumo

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and the British establishment were scandalised.

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Christine Keeler, the girl who sparked off a drama of government scandal, intrigue and even death.

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On Sunday, Christine opens her secret diary and tells the first full story in the News of the World.

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I was young and naive then, but now I've had time to think.

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This is the first time the public are able to read the real truth.

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Do you have any qualms about that as muckraking and going over an old scandal that should be buried now?

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No, no, certainly not. It shouldn't be dead and buried.

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The vicious reaction of the British upper classes shocked Murdoch

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and in the 1970s he fled with his young family to the United States.

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And he used the money pouring in from his British newspapers to start building an American empire.

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His personal myth began to take shape - that he was a revolutionary outsider,

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challenging the decadent British system. In 1976, he said in an interview,

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"In Britain it's very easy to get sucked into the establishment.

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"I think when people start taking knighthoods and peerages, it's telling the world you've sold out.

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"I just wasn't prepared to join the system."

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And in 1981 Murdoch came back and took his revenge.

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He bought The Times and made it clear that he was now challenging the hypocritical elites

0:31:410:31:47

wherever they were in Britain or America.

0:31:470:31:50

They hate someone communicating with the masses. They feel that the written word is not for the masses.

0:31:520:31:58

That should be left to television, or nobody. There's great elitism.

0:31:580:32:03

It was a typical piece of slanting or elitism by the BBC

0:32:030:32:07

I don't know what you mean by downmarket or upmarket. That is so English, class-ridden snobbery.

0:32:070:32:13

Over the next 30 years, Murdoch's newspapers promoted a populist idea of democracy.

0:32:130:32:19

This challenged the idea that anyone could set themselves up in Britain as a superior elite

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and tell people what was best. But there was a ferocious logic to this idea of democracy.

0:32:250:32:31

Because if everyone was equal, then no one was special.

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And that had big implications for the celebrities who had become central to Murdoch's newspapers.

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If they were more famous than us, it meant they were different from us.

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And the Murdoch vision didn't like the idea of anyone being different.

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So celebrities had to be transformed so they would become more like us -

0:32:520:32:56

flawed and unhappy, drinking too much and eating too little,

0:32:560:33:01

struggling with emotional problems and with cellulite.

0:33:010:33:05

But most celebrities didn't want to be seen like that

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so Murdoch's journalists had to resort to increasingly devious methods to give us what we craved -

0:33:090:33:17

the private weaknesses and failings of the famous.

0:33:170:33:22

Today, Murdoch may be on the way out, but we all still distrust elites

0:33:220:33:28

and there is a new empire that offers the same dream of a world without hierarchies

0:33:280:33:34

where we are in control. Google - with its promise of information

0:33:340:33:39

flowing free of all political control and where everyone talks to each other as equals.

0:33:390:33:45

But the price we pay for this is that Google's machines watch us all the time

0:33:450:33:51

and know everything about us.

0:33:510:33:54

And they don't even have to pay for private detectives or for phone taps.

0:33:540:33:59

And the strange thing is we don't seem to be bothered about this at all.

0:33:590:34:05

Food! And the spiritual world's answer to Lady Gaga drops in to illuminate Australian MasterChef.

0:34:100:34:17

I'm at my bench mincing garlic...

0:34:170:34:20

We're going to meet the seven contestants.

0:34:200:34:23

..when I look up and His Holiness The Dalai Lama himself

0:34:230:34:29

has come into our kitchen.

0:34:290:34:31

Serenity doesn't get tougher than this. His sort-of-Christliness was on hand to spread vibes

0:34:310:34:37

-and to ask and answer the big questions.

-What is this?

-Cheese.

0:34:370:34:43

-Yes, you like cheese, don't you?

-Yes.

0:34:430:34:46

But there was more to his trip than cheese-liking. He was here to judge so he sat for the Last Supper

0:34:460:34:53

and, lo, when the nervous contestants shuffled in, lobbing plates in front of His Superness,

0:34:530:34:59

one woman was afeared, for her creation was not up to par.

0:34:590:35:03

Your Holiness, today I had a bit of a disaster in the kitchen.

0:35:030:35:07

It's not what I wanted on the plate.

0:35:070:35:10

Go from this place!

0:35:100:35:12

I wanted to share it with you today, but I didn't get it on the plate.

0:35:120:35:16

Sorry.

0:35:160:35:18

Thank you.

0:35:180:35:21

She's in there! Hand-rubbing aside, MasterChef wouldn't be MasterChef without a tense judging scene

0:35:230:35:29

-and this was no exception.

-Well, she's obviously during plating up got some gnocchi up.

0:35:290:35:37

But mine's actually quite raw and doughy.

0:35:370:35:41

-She tried her best.

-You haven't really got the hang of this judging thing, have you?

0:35:410:35:48

August is traditionally a quiet month in terms of events, but 2011 had other plans.

0:35:480:35:54

After the shooting of Mark Duggan by police, feelings were running high in Tottenham.

0:35:540:36:00

After a protest demonstration turned violent, TV quickly filled with scenes of wanton destruction

0:36:000:36:06

and furious crowds, like the start of a zombie film.

0:36:060:36:09

At other times it resembled a bonus stage from Streetfighter 2.

0:36:090:36:14

Nothing was safe, including the camera crews.

0:36:140:36:18

There are no riot police officers around. They are down the road dealing with...

0:36:180:36:24

..with... Somebody just attacked our camera.

0:36:240:36:28

Soon TV screens were full of depressing images of burnt-out buildings and a dead bus.

0:36:280:36:34

But it was far from over. Trouble then broke out in other areas

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and there came more and more footage of looting.

0:36:390:36:43

Violence and hysteria seemed to be spreading in an almost viral manner,

0:36:430:36:48

At times it looked more like a zombie film than most zombie films.

0:36:480:36:52

The apocalyptic feel carried through in endless helicopter coverage,

0:36:520:36:56

resembling the most depressing Command and Conquer level ever.

0:36:560:37:01

Even from this vulture's perspective, the brazen lack of respect for police was startling.

0:37:010:37:07

It wasn't just violent, it was cheeky.

0:37:070:37:10

That led to one of the most bizarre identity parades in history.

0:37:100:37:15

Just take your time. Anything look familiar?

0:37:150:37:19

Maybe number three?

0:37:200:37:22

-Number three?

-Yeah.

0:37:220:37:26

As time wore on, the trouble spread as if some sort of lawlessness gas had been released.

0:37:260:37:31

Disturbing footage showed Croydon now twinned with the Eye of Sauron,

0:37:310:37:35

and Sky reporter Mark Stone was busy capturing unprecedented scenes of pixelated anarchy on his phone.

0:37:350:37:42

Whoever fitted that bracket did a hell of a job!

0:37:420:37:46

He also held impromptu interviews with alleged looters.

0:37:460:37:50

-These people appear to have been at it. What...

-Are you a journalist?

-No, I live here.

0:37:500:37:56

-I'm astounded at what you're doing.

-We're getting our taxes back.

0:37:560:38:01

Fair enough. They will need taxis back to carry all that stuff.

0:38:010:38:05

Trouble was much of the live coverage depicted shops being looted and no one to stop it.

0:38:050:38:10

It was almost like a giveaway sale.

0:38:100:38:13

Kicking off now is Britain's most terrifying sale!

0:38:130:38:18

Thousands of prices and windows smashed! Get the top-name brands!

0:38:180:38:23

Plasma screens worth £750 are now no pounds!

0:38:230:38:27

Trainers worth £79 now no pounds!

0:38:270:38:31

Basmati rice was £8.99, now no 99!

0:38:310:38:34

If you can get it off the wall, it's yours.

0:38:340:38:38

Get an increased sentence absolutely free!

0:38:380:38:41

Branches in Hackney, Ealing, Croydon, Clapham Junction and soon Manchester!

0:38:410:38:46

Please, God, let it end soon!

0:38:460:38:49

Aside from the violence, what was depressing was the nature of the looting.

0:38:490:38:55

It was about getting phones and tellies and trainers.

0:38:550:38:59

What's so great about trainers? Stick 'em on your feet and walk. Woo-hoo!

0:38:590:39:04

If we're so impressed by footwear, we might as well give up.

0:39:040:39:09

Having thoroughly depressed us all, the news now needed to give us something to cling to,

0:39:090:39:16

so it began to highlight some cheery side effects.

0:39:160:39:19

There was widespread coverage of heartening, impromptu broom armies that assembled.

0:39:190:39:25

Yeah, but somewhere a broom showroom has been gutted.

0:39:250:39:29

There was even a breakout viral star in the form of Pauline Pearce, who ranted at looters on YouTube.

0:39:290:39:35

She's working hard to make her business work and then you burn it.

0:39:350:39:39

-For what? To say you're a bad man?!

-She was the Susan Boyle of the riots,

0:39:390:39:45

except she was standing in front of graffiti that said "Cameroon suck my dick" bellowing abuse.

0:39:450:39:52

You lot piss me the fuck off! I'm ashamed to be a Hackney person!

0:39:520:39:56

More like the Sex Pistols, really.

0:39:560:39:59

Not that these punk roots stopped her from appearing on This Morning,

0:39:590:40:04

and being profiled like a pop star on the news. But people wanted to see the wrongdoers banged up.

0:40:040:40:10

Many seemed to revel in their crimes, posing like winners of a Gadget Show competition.

0:40:100:40:17

Sky News carried an illuminating interview with looters in disguise.

0:40:170:40:21

To protect their identities, two dressed as ninjas, one as a man peering from an elephant's arse.

0:40:210:40:27

Let's hear what they have to say.

0:40:270:40:30

-What did you get?

-What did I get? Tracksuits.

0:40:300:40:34

A couple of electronic stuff.

0:40:340:40:37

-Nice green scarf.

-I know people that know people, so I got a van.

0:40:370:40:42

-You were going round in a van filling it up at stores?

-Yeah, but we also dropped it off.

0:40:420:40:48

-A bit like Ocado.

-Any bad feelings? Ever thought about it at night in your bed?

0:40:480:40:54

No, cos I'm watching my plasma! It's like Christmas came early.

0:40:540:40:57

And with that this troubled band of teenagers walked off into the sunset with their trousers falling down.

0:40:570:41:05

Should have nicked a belt! The media went into full-blown hand-wringing,

0:41:050:41:10

trying to work out why the riots happened.

0:41:100:41:13

The riots just hardened whatever opinion you had beforehand.

0:41:130:41:17

-Masked youths blamed anger and anger.

-What do you think drove the people that smashed this up?

0:41:170:41:24

Anger, innit? Anger as well.

0:41:240:41:27

-Grown men blamed the Big Society.

-The Big Society, it's a load of crap what they say.

0:41:270:41:33

It's not worth ten bob.

0:41:330:41:35

On civilised Sky News, posh people blamed people from the estates.

0:41:350:41:40

It's people from local estates.

0:41:400:41:42

-And arseholes on horrible US shitcasts blamed immigrants.

-Many of them are immigrants,

0:41:420:41:48

can't speak the language. Of course they're unemployed.

0:41:480:41:52

In an unusually angry Newsnight, David Starkey seemed to join in, blaming race.

0:41:520:41:58

The whites have become black.

0:41:580:42:01

A particular sort of violent, destructive, nihilistic gangsta culture has become the fashion.

0:42:010:42:08

Yeah, black people, it's your fault, even when you try not being black.

0:42:080:42:13

Look at this white black bastard! How dare he?! White as the ace of spades! Go back to Africa or Surrey!

0:42:130:42:20

I was in London for the big riots. I was amazed that anything over here could burn

0:42:200:42:26

in this damp, stone, brick, ugly, mossy rock.

0:42:260:42:32

I'm amazed I can keep a cigarette lit outside.

0:42:320:42:36

And I don't know why it happened. They happened for whatever reason.

0:42:360:42:41

They're trying to say it's a socio-economic thing. I don't think so.

0:42:410:42:46

Unless you had some flatscreens for the needy programme that got chiselled out of the budgets.

0:42:460:42:53

Take your little rioter at home and put him on your lap and explain, "Loot and riot and steal

0:42:530:43:00

"every flatscreen out of that shop, you little chimney sweep! You little scamp!

0:43:000:43:06

"Fill your entire walls with flatscreens everywhere you look

0:43:060:43:11

"and all that's on is Friends and Top Gear. And with your hours you'll get the deaf interpreter,

0:43:110:43:18

"flailing away in a seizure in the bottom of your screen."

0:43:180:43:23

I've literally wet a napkin and stuck it to the lower quarter of my television screen

0:43:230:43:30

so I could get through an episode of a show I didn't want to watch anyway.

0:43:300:43:36

What you have to explain to your youth is their outlook is bleak regardless.

0:43:360:43:41

It doesn't matter if you have money over here. You're in the UK.

0:43:410:43:45

Your outlook is fucked.

0:43:450:43:47

The Killing, that was good, right, but it was really weird.

0:43:470:43:52

It was about Sue Perkins,

0:43:520:43:55

but instead of judging baking, she's being a policeman. A man.

0:43:550:44:00

With a jumper on. The same jumper for weeks, so she stunk.

0:44:000:44:04

And there wasn't much killing except the girl at the start. Her parents took ages to get over it.

0:44:040:44:10

Usually you see the relatives for one scene, boo hoo.

0:44:100:44:15

But this kept showing them, sitting around looking upset

0:44:150:44:19

and crying and getting angry. And looking lost, until, "All right.

0:44:190:44:24

"The murder was nine whole episodes ago. Get over it!

0:44:240:44:28

"Have some ice cream. Jesus! You've two other kids. Take them to the zoo and don't get THEM killed!"

0:44:280:44:36

Then it was so popular, they did it again.

0:44:360:44:39

It was like The Killing I, but with Sarah Lund in a different jumper

0:44:390:44:44

and it had Giant Haystacks in it and this man hiding, in the army,

0:44:440:44:49

and the army blokes were a bit weird and tossed each other off.

0:44:490:44:54

Didn't really get it.

0:45:010:45:03

September is for authenticity and there were red faces all round

0:45:030:45:08

when ITV's new documentary strand Exposure included footage from a video game

0:45:080:45:14

as a real IRA home movie.

0:45:140:45:17

With Gaddafi's machine guns, it was possible to shoot down a helicopter

0:45:170:45:22

as the terrorists' own footage of 1988 shows.

0:45:220:45:26

This was what security forces feared most.

0:45:260:45:30

It was the most eye-opening documentary since that Panorama on the big monkey lobbing barrels.

0:45:300:45:37

Sticking with games, it was a bumper year with the sumptuous and epic Skyrim

0:45:370:45:43

and the ground-breaking LA Noire, a cinematic homage to film noir, with hot man-on-corpse action,

0:45:430:45:49

-faintly eerie cameos from the cast of Mad Men.

-You're Fifth Columnists.

0:45:490:45:54

-And plentiful sequences in which you quizzed creepily realistic suspects.

-You want a confession?

0:45:540:46:01

-That's what you want?

-That's exactly what we want.

-Where were you on Super Mario Land?

0:46:010:46:07

It was also a good year for shooting in the face

0:46:070:46:11

as two of the biggest video game franchises went to war - Modern Warfare 3 versus Battlefield 3.

0:46:110:46:17

They look macho as heck, these things, but they're homoerotic. Check out this guy's moustache.

0:46:170:46:23

You crawl behind him with his bum right in your face. It says Follow, like a direction from your heart.

0:46:230:46:31

Although sometimes the action seems unnecessarily cruel. Watch my pal deal with this guard.

0:46:310:46:38

I just don't want to be friends with someone who shrugs that off.

0:46:420:46:46

Entertainment! And in a noble bid to repeal our something for nothing culture,

0:46:460:46:51

ITV broadcast Cowell-devised guessing game Red or Black?

0:46:510:46:55

It was basically a massive coin toss without the coin. A massive toss.

0:46:550:46:59

Since the show was about evenly matched odds, it was presented by conjoined twins Ant and Dec

0:46:590:47:05

and had cameos from the likes of Louis Walsh, blowing David Hasselhoff's arse off.

0:47:050:47:11

Eventually the contestants were whittled down until a winner emerged victorious.

0:47:110:47:17

Since contestant backstory is everything, it was fortunate the first winner had a good one.

0:47:170:47:24

-He'd served five years for beating up an ex-girlfriend.

-Nathan...

0:47:240:47:28

I've been dying to say this. You are now a millionaire!

0:47:280:47:33

If I was him, I'd spend it covering up my past.

0:47:330:47:37

Things were hairy down Gaddafi way. World leaders had launched Operation Odyssey Dawn,

0:47:370:47:42

a prog rock military campaign supporting the Libyan rebels.

0:47:420:47:46

Berlusconi only took part because he thought it was invading Labia.

0:47:460:47:51

Now with NATO assistance, rebels played tug of war with Gaddafi's forces between Tripoli and Benghazi.

0:47:510:47:58

-Despite hours of nailbiting footage of reporters dodging bullets...

-They were rebel vehicles.

0:47:580:48:05

..for the average viewer it was confusing. I know I'm meant to be on the side of the rebels,

0:48:090:48:15

but the narrative is all over the place. It's all map this, map that,

0:48:150:48:20

different flags and place names. Keep it simple for God's sake!

0:48:200:48:25

And the ammo they get through is mental. There'll be a lead shortage.

0:48:250:48:30

The news just showed them shooting everything. It was bloody chaos!

0:48:300:48:35

They even seemed to have declared war on the sky. The average lifespan of a Libyan sparrow is 15 seconds.

0:48:370:48:45

It was fun for onlookers, taking photos like it was Alton Towers.

0:48:450:48:50

In September, the rebels made a final advance into Tripoli and Sky News' Alex Crawford,

0:48:500:48:54

broadcasting live from a rebel vehicle, was first on the scene as Gaddafi's compound was overrun.

0:48:540:49:00

She even conducted a fun interview with a guy who swiped Gaddafi's hat.

0:49:000:49:05

I was like, "Oh, my God! I'm in Gaddafi's room! Oh, my God!"

0:49:050:49:10

But even as his compound became a sort of adventure playground and people dissed his image,

0:49:100:49:17

there was no sign of Gaddafi and it looked like he might never be seen again, until he was.

0:49:170:49:25

When his convoy was intercepted, he sought shelter in a tunnel

0:49:250:49:29

and might not have been caught if he hadn't tweeted.

0:49:290:49:33

What happened next was one of the most nightmarish images of the year and it only got worse.

0:49:330:49:38

We show these pictures with a warning that the video has images of Gaddafi's dead, bloodied body.

0:49:380:49:45

-The pictures are graphic and may be distressing.

-How bad can it be?

0:49:450:49:50

'So this is how it ended - the body of Gaddafi lying in a freezer...'

0:49:500:49:55

There was no respite. It's odd that newspapers won't print nipples on the front cover,

0:49:550:50:00

but a triumphant photo of a dead man is OK. So many people wanted a Facebook snap of the body,

0:50:000:50:06

it was kept in cold storage until it went off. Let's not judge - we'd have had him in a shopping centre.

0:50:060:50:13

We used to believe a camera would steal part of your soul.

0:50:130:50:18

Watch the news today and it looks like the people taking the photos had their souls stolen.

0:50:180:50:24

Along with urban violence and unbridled despair, Twitter hashtags were all the rage.

0:50:240:50:29

Here's BAFTA-winning human being Brian "Limmy" Limond.

0:50:290:50:34

-Welcome to Question Time.

-Ah, my favourite programme. An hour of intense political discourse.

0:50:340:50:41

-But wait, what's this?

-If you're tweeting...

-I can tweet along using the hashtag #bbcqt.

0:50:410:50:49

That's a great idea! Join the debate. Let's see what people say.

0:50:490:50:54

"Oh, my God! Theresa May is wearing her spacesuit coat again. She looks like a fucking astronaut."

0:50:540:51:01

She does as well, she does!

0:51:010:51:03

Reply: she does as well, she does.

0:51:030:51:08

But now I'm missing this. Rewind.

0:51:080:51:11

She does as well, she does.

0:51:110:51:14

Play. Ah, Afghanistan. Good question. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

0:51:140:51:19

She looks like him from that comic with the jumper up to his nose. I have to tweet that. Who was that?

0:51:190:51:25

I'll look it up. Pause.

0:51:250:51:27

Who was that?

0:51:280:51:31

Who the fuck WAS that?

0:51:320:51:34

Oh, forget it. I'm miles behind now. OK, Afghanistan. Play.

0:51:350:51:40

Bendy bananas?

0:51:420:51:44

Oh,, I see! It's that idiot Farage. going on about bendy bananas again.

0:51:450:51:50

He'll turn into a banana at this rate. Oh, that's good. He'll turn into a banana at this rate. Send.

0:51:500:51:58

But now everyone's talking about the massacre.

0:51:580:52:02

And I'm talking about...bananas.

0:52:020:52:05

-OK, I think I'll just catch up.

-Good night.

-And that's it finished.

0:52:050:52:10

Great idea.

0:52:120:52:14

Not everything was awful in 2011. There was some good stuff on telly.

0:52:170:52:21

To pick some examples at random, there was The Hour,

0:52:210:52:25

a saga of impassioned reporters in the '50s starring Ben Wishaw, Romola Garai and Fred West,

0:52:250:52:31

who also popped up in harrowing bleak-'em-up Appropriate Adult.

0:52:310:52:35

-It's about the world's nastiest Hobbit.

-Eight killings.

0:52:350:52:39

Eight?

0:52:410:52:43

-All right, nine.

-Oh, Fred!

0:52:460:52:49

There was also eye-opening teach-'em-up Educating Essex

0:52:490:52:52

and shocking melancholy with nostalgia-fest This Is England '88.

0:52:520:52:57

And there was that bakery thing.

0:52:570:52:59

There was this show, right, which was like MasterChef with baking.

0:52:590:53:04

The Great British Bake Off. Just baking. It was good,

0:53:040:53:08

but particular. Like living in a future with only baking allowed.

0:53:080:53:13

You weren't allowed to fry anything. No frying.

0:53:130:53:16

If you tried to fry something, they'd take you round the back and shoot you. Bang, back of the head.

0:53:160:53:22

-On your marks, get set...

-Bake.

0:53:220:53:25

There was all this jeopardy, like will the pastry be too tough?

0:53:250:53:29

Or will they forget to use pastry? Anything could happen.

0:53:290:53:33

They might knock over a pan or go mad and fuck the oven.

0:53:330:53:38

It all had this great footage of things coming out of ovens and people eating them

0:53:380:53:43

and squirrels' bollocks. And pies and cakes. It was class.

0:53:430:53:47

If you won, you got to run a Greggs.

0:53:470:53:50

By November, we'd all had just about enough of 2011,

0:53:500:53:55

but maybe things would cheer up. Maybe they wouldn't.

0:53:550:53:59

The global economy was lurching along like a dying dog with a harpoon in its gut.

0:53:590:54:05

Little wonder people were so angry when confronted by scenes like this

0:54:050:54:10

as a slick hobby trader blurted out a few uncomfortable home truths.

0:54:100:54:15

This is not a time right now to think the government will sort it out. They don't rule the world.

0:54:150:54:22

-Goldman Sachs rules the world.

-Fortunately, he's just some clown.

0:54:220:54:27

If you look at the professionals, you'll see they know precisely what they're doing... Oh, Christ!

0:54:270:54:34

The Smurfs opening the Stock Exchange this morning.

0:54:340:54:39

Surreal coverage like this added to the sense of catastrophe.

0:54:390:54:43

The most boring apocalypse ever. Numbergeddon. It doesn't help that the numbers are either too massive

0:54:430:54:49

-or too small.

-The European Central Bank has raised its key interest rate by 0.25% to 1.25%.

0:54:490:54:57

Because digits are dull, news used dramatic language to convey terror.

0:54:570:55:01

Billions more wiped off the markets in the week the world stared into the abyss of recession again.

0:55:010:55:08

The economy was continually "on the brink" or "gazing into the abyss" or "teetering on the precipice"

0:55:080:55:15

or "gawping over the brink of both the abyss and the precipice into a bottomless pit

0:55:150:55:21

"of decaying banknotes being pecked at by vultures with coins for eyes".

0:55:210:55:25

There was one financial train wreck after another. Ireland, Portugal and, of course, Greece.

0:55:250:55:32

Greece was the Enron of Europe and things looked awful, but brilliant for TV news

0:55:320:55:38

as it added panic and fire. Greece does catch fire easily. Ask anyone who's made chips.

0:55:380:55:44

Next it was Italy, which had a liquidity problem,

0:55:440:55:47

possibly because its leader spent years trying to spurt all the liquid out of his body.

0:55:470:55:53

-But now he was in a hole he hadn't cheerfully lubricated first.

-Silvio Berlusconi resigns.

0:55:530:56:00

While throughout the Arab world leaders were ousted by the people, in Europe it was by cold numbers

0:56:000:56:06

and the financial buggeration keeps on buggering. We'll end up with a medieval bartering system

0:56:060:56:13

where you trade sexual favours for food. Sainsbury's will be grim,

0:56:130:56:18

everyone standing at the checkout tearfully masturbating for a fruit drink.

0:56:180:56:23

Berlusconi would be in his element. Not the first time he's tossed off over an innocent smoothie.

0:56:230:56:29

A frank edition of This Morning highlights the importance of prostate exams

0:56:290:56:34

by examining a famous anus.

0:56:340:56:37

Mr Paul Ross looked remarkably relaxed as he got the finger

0:56:370:56:41

and Phillip Schofield stood rigidly still wearing the terse expression

0:56:410:56:46

of a man witnessing an unconventional new puppet show.

0:56:460:56:50

I'm just sliding my finger in. I'm into the rectum now.

0:56:500:56:55

Feeling the back of his prostate gland, which is smooth, it's not enlarged.

0:56:550:57:01

A tenner if you flick his kidneys.

0:57:010:57:04

-You have to go quite deep.

-Sniggering aside, this did much to raise awareness

0:57:040:57:10

of stinky winky finger bum.

0:57:100:57:13

There was this thing with Hugh Grant and Alan Partridge,

0:57:130:57:16

but I didn't really get it. It didn't even have a theme tune.

0:57:160:57:21

They just moaned about newspapers for hours. Rubbish.

0:57:210:57:25

-December means one thing and the Christmas adverts had already been on for six

-BLEEP

-weeks!

0:57:250:57:33

In a commercial twice as depressing as the average DEC famine appeal, Littlewoods destroyed the Santa myth

0:57:330:57:39

with this horrible musical where kiddie winks reveal who really doles out presents.

0:57:390:57:45

-# Who put an Xbox under the tree?

-Who got a Fijit just for me?

0:57:450:57:49

# And who put a laptop on Grandpa's knee?

0:57:490:57:53

-# My mother. #

-Mum was active in the looting.

0:57:530:57:57

Meanwhile, in this alarming sales pitch, Lord Frederick Flintoff builds a supermarket,

0:57:570:58:02

which he reckons will make people come.

0:58:020:58:06

-If you build it, people will come.

-Really?

0:58:060:58:09

-Because they want Christmas to be special.

-Well, I suppose it would be.

0:58:090:58:15

-They'll come for the fresh British turkey.

-And the British beef.

0:58:150:58:19

-Oooh!

-Oh, that's disgusting!

0:58:190:58:22

-They'll come for the Stilton. And a Panettone.

-Doesn't take much to make these

-BLEEP

-come!

0:58:220:58:29

-They'll come for the game pie.

-And the Christmas quiche!

-Eugh.

0:58:290:58:34

-People will most definitely come.

-As long as they don't come on the food. Someone has to eat that.

0:58:340:58:41

I'll do the jokes!

0:58:410:58:44

Speaking of expelling liquid, this melancholy tale reduced millions to tears.

0:58:440:58:51

This made people cry. We cry at adverts for shops!

0:58:510:58:55

Weeping IQ points out of our bodies.

0:58:550:58:57

Worse still, it's a dog's head in that box. He killed it in July and he's been waiting.

0:58:570:59:03

Something about this reminds me of the Hammer House of Horror episode The House That Bled To Death.

0:59:030:59:09

-I wish that was happening.

-Where the hell did you get that?

0:59:090:59:14

-Aaaaieee!

-Hooray for Christmas!

0:59:150:59:19

Well, that's it for 2011. Happy New Year, unless you're watching on the iPlayer.

0:59:190:59:25

Why didn't you watch it on proper TV? It's not a video game. This is your life. Go away!

0:59:250:59:31

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011

0:59:460:59:50

Email [email protected]

0:59:510:59:54

Charlie Brooker takes a comedic look back at the hectic events of 2011 - a mad year of royal weddings, Gypsy Weddings, riots, phone-hacking and Desperate Scousewives. With contributions from Doug Stanhope, Adam Curtis and Brian Limond.


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