Edinburgh Comedy Live

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello everybody!

Hello!

Here we are

at the Edinburgh Festival, where you are never more

than 16 feet from a drama student in period costume.

We have a whole selection of comedians tonight.

These are the BBC4 type comedians,

they're not only funny, they're also brilliant, interesting,

and they will instruct you on the nature of the world as well.

I, myself, am the old fart who will be linking them together.

I am delighted to see this lot.

They're going to be acting as the house band as well.

Their lead singer, an eponymous hero,

is a comedian and birdwatcher in his own right,

but he's gathered together a group of brilliant musicians,

who come together tonight, in the form, here they are,

of the Horne Section.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you very much.

Hello, hello, hello.

There's a lot of them. Hi.

How is everyone?

CHEERING

Good. How are you? All fine? That's good for me.

I'm Alex Horne, this is my section. We've all got a section.

This is my one.

I thought I'd introduce them to you,

by creating a sort of theme tune.

We'll create a theme tune to our bit using audience suggestions,

if that's all right,

so please welcome, on drums, Mr Ben Reynolds.

See if you can clap. Why not?

APPLAUSE

Very handsome.

Completely hairless from the neck down.

What rhythm would you like him to play, any rhythm at all?

-AUDIENCE:

-Jazz.

Can you play jazz rhythm? I don't know if there is one.

HE PLAYS

Well, that's sort of his natural state.

I think you're the one person enjoying this. I don't mind it.

I don't like jazz.

Can you do a different facial expression?

Different facial expression, slightly. Better!

LAUGHTER

Everyone happy with this? Really? Fine.

On bass, Mr Will Collier. There he is!

Very slender. He's a vegetarian. He's a vegetarian.

What key would you like the bassist to play in, any key at all?

E or B?

B flat minor.

OK, B flat minor, please.

None of us have any idea if this is B flat minor or not.

Let's assume it is. What you were hoping for?

It sounds quite flat, minor and B. It'll do.

Good work. You happy?

On keys, Mr Joe Stilgoe, on the piano.

And he's just going to

add some music on top.

Is this music? I never know.

He's going to make it better music and add a tune.

Shout out a tune, ideally a BBC tune.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ivor The Engine

Ivor The Engine and Blue Peter.

LAUGHTER

He can do any tune except Ivor The Engine. It's his Achilles.

Blue Peter?

HE PLAYS THE BLUE PETER THEME TUNE

Look at them!

It's all right. Let's go for one other tune.

Jim'll Fix It, quite right, yes.

HE PLAYS THE JIM'LL FIX IT THEME TUNE

It's good. Let's introduce Mark Brown on top of this.

Bit of '80s saxophone.

Lovely!

Maybe keep your legs still. Keep your legs still.

Lean back,

just look a bit happier. That's it.

Mr Joe Auckland on trumpet, to play all over it.

Lovely.

Good.

Go a bit redder,

a bit louder, don't breathe,

louder,

you play as well,

good...

and then stop.

There we go!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good. Very good band! Well done!

Grade 4 this summer, the trumpet. Grade 4.

Theory, theory.

They're going to stay on throughout this

and either ruin it or enhance it. We'll see.

I think, Will, I'm going to talk to you lastly, before we go.

Will has got a massive instrument and all the notes,

all the notes.

Have you ever heard a C before, madam? Do want to hear a C?

Listen to it. C's all right.

All right, isn't it? Not as good as the A, by far my favourite.

I call him up in the morning to do an A down the phone. Do an A. Wow!

Compare that to the B. B is nothing. The B is awful. Do a B.

Horrible. Do another B.

Yuck! Do the A again.

He plays. Wow!

LAUGHTER

G, I can't make my mind up about the G. G's sort of...

Oooommm!

Exactly. And the E. Have you heard an E? Do the E.

There we go.

That spells cabbage. That's what it sounds like.

You're eating cabbage, thinking,

"Fine, but what does it sound like?" That's what. Play it again.

# C-A-B-B-A-G-E

# C-A-B-B-A-G-E Sounds better than you think!

# C-A-B-B-A-G-E

Where are we eating it? In the cafe. Listen to the cafe.

# C-A-F-E

The cabbage cafe.

# C-A-F-E

Two more cabbages, please.

# C-A-B-B-A-G-E

I'm getting thirsty. Give me a coffee. A decaf.

# D-E-C-A-F

Pretty good!

# D-E-C-A-F

A decaf coffee. One more cabbage.

# C-A-B-B-A-G-E

Another cabbage.

# C-A-B-B-A-G-E

I need some meat. Give me some beef. A bit of beef.

# B-E-E-F

# B-E-E-F

You got anything else?

# E-G-G. #

Egg, not bad.

LAUGHTER

Finish off with a bit of beetroot.

B-E-E-troot. You can't do them all.

We'll crack on now.

I am delighted to welcome to the stage,

a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company...

mailing list.

She was a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company went I met her

and jacked it in to do a proper job, which is to be a ventriloquist.

It's Nina Conti!

Hello!

Thank you.

Hello! Hi! Thank you. How lovely.

Yes, I am a ventriloquist and I try to say that without shame.

I love it. I'll just cut the crap and get the monkey out.

LAUGHTER

Come on out. One, two, three...hup!

Hello, hello.

Edinburgh, thank you.

APPLAUSE

-There's no going back.

-No.

So, monkey, why did the monkey cross the road?

Because he saw you standing behind him, rolling up your sleeve, Nina.

Oh, God!

-Is that BBC4 enough for you?

-I don't know.

LAUGHTER

We got lots to look forward to tonight.

-I'm going to hit Lothian Road later.

-Are you?

Going to get me some sweet Edinburgh ass.

Excuse me, you're a monkey.

They're not fussy, Nina.

-What's that stuck to your face?

-My microphone.

-All right. That's fancy. Where's mine?

-You haven't got one.

That ruins the illusion.

LAUGHTER

-You can talk into mine.

-Testing, one, two, three.

Testing, one, two, three.

Makes no bloody difference.

Can you not deconstruct the act so early on?

Do you reckon they think you're talking to a real monkey?

This isn't Glasgow, Nina.

LAUGHTER

-Cheap.

-Appealing to the hate in their hearts.

Tonight I want to talk to some actual human beings.

Hello, Missy, how do you do? What do you do with your life?

-AUDIENCE: Just graduated.

-She just graduated.

And she says it with such hope in her heart.

LAUGHTER

You look like the whole thing is over already.

What did you study? Was it a total misnomer?

-AUDIENCE:

-Master of Theology.

-Master of Theology.

Oh, hence the pessimism.

-What are you going to do with that?

-And your imaginary friends?

Cute, monkey. You study religions,

but you're not necessarily religious?

No, she's not religious. I can tell.

-Why?

-Never mind.

I don't know where you were going with that.

You couldn't finish my sentence.

When you laugh, I can't finish my sentences, Nina.

-This multitasking...

-You're deconstructing it now!

-Is that your mother?

-Is that your mother?

Who are you here with?

-AUDIENCE: Myself.

-Yourself.

-You should have studied something else, bitch.

-Monkey!

I'm going to leave you to humiliate someone else.

-Do you want to just say good night then?

-Yes. Who's next?

-Next is going to be someone in the audience.

-Good luck.

-This will be dire.

-It won't. The last audience really enjoyed it.

For the first hour, they did.

And then they all left, except one lady, who stayed.

Cos she was dead!

-Say good night.

-Good night.

That was the monkey. Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

-Can I borrow you? What's your name?

-Sharmani.

-Sharmani.

Give it up for Sharmani, the theology student.

Could you come up here? That would be fabulous.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you. So, Sharmani, that's a lovely name.

I'm just going to put a little makeover on you.

Oh, you are so nice to come up because I never would.

I'm just going to put that on your face. Are you all right?

Yeah, loving it.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, this is hilarious, I am loving it.

-OK, good.

-Oh, God, theology. Oh, what a life choice.

-Yes.

Oh, God. Yes. Isn't it terrible?

-I'd rather be on the game.

-Oh, come on.

I think I'd rather be a ventriloquist.

I'm disappointed, I thought you were going to put your hand up my skirt.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-No, I'm not.

-Oh, isn't this fun!

-So, yes, it's lovely.

-Yes, I'm so glad you got me up here.

-Why is that?

Because I'm going to actually do something

I've always wanted to do to.

All the time I was studying theology, I just wanted to dance.

Yes, I did.

And I'm glad I've got these shoes on because I'm nifty in them.

-You don't have to dance.

-No, I really want to.

-I'm so sorry.

-Don't be sorry, I'm loving it.

It's the best fun I have had in years.

Oh, the Catholics and the Christians and the Muslims, oh, God,

sod 'em all!

-Oh, God, I hate it. I like the devil.

-OK.

I'm going to dance the devil's dance.

-You don't have to.

-Yes, I will.

-You've got a funny voice.

-Yes, thank you for that.

-OK, you can have music if you want to dance.

-Yes, hit the music.

-OK.

JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS

-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, check it out, check it out!

-That's lovely!

-Thank you very much!

-That was awesome.

Sharmani! Thank you, Sharmani!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you, and I was Nina. Good night!

Now, our next act won the big comedy award a couple of years ago.

I, myself, am an award-winning comedian,

although the award was for swimming.

If this place floods, it's not a comedian you want, it's a lifeguard.

Will you please welcome onto the stage, here he is, the poet, Tim Key?!

Hi.

"I went out with a model

"But I found her dull

"And also she was one of those fatty models

"and not much to look at."

I do sort of poems.

Some of them are autobiographical.

This next one is semiautobiographical,

by which, I mean I wrote it but I'm not in it.

PIANO PLAYS SOFTLY

Very nice. This is quite short.

If you could play something short. PIANIST PLAYS ONE CHORD

A bit longer. A bit longer.

HE PLAYS SOFT MUSIC "Tanya googled herself

"Still nothing."

It's quite a sad one.

Good. Good length. Very nice length.

It was a good fit. I did that one and my dad was in the audience.

You may as well play some double bass under this. Oh, lovely.

My dad was in the audience, he didn't understand it.

He didn't know what googling yourself was.

"Different generation," I said. "What do you think it might be?

"Come on, old friend.

"Come on, you beast, what do you think it could be? Googling yourself."

He said, "I don't know." I said, "Hazard a guess, you muppet, come on."

He said, "Is it like...

"Is it like mooning but with the front?"

He doesn't get it, does he? He doesn't get it in that example.

Lovely. Don't mind it. This next one is a bit old-fashioned.

If you could play something quite old-fashioned.

PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE

Lovely.

In terms of my own influences, it's really largely Shakespeare. Love him.

Himself also very old-fashioned.

But, er...

He had no real control over that.

I love him, though, so florid. Beautiful writer.

At his best, I think, almost Dickensian.

Almost Dickensian.

"Jon, no H, bowed deeply to the girl."

Lovely that, another era.

"She in turn curtseyed.

"Jon bowed deeply again, concentrating hard on his technique

"The girl blew him a kiss as she curtseyed

"In response to Jon's bowing

"Jon caught the kiss

"And made as if to shove it down his underpants."

Oh, Jon. Same old Jon!

What will we do with Jon?

"Appalled, the girl jumped backwards into the road and was crushed."

I went to Egypt to...

Each of my poems takes between six and eight months to write

and I went to Egypt to, er...

Sometimes an idea comes into your head and you think

I need to flesh that out and I went to Egypt for, er,

I was there for about four months.

Do you want to play something Egyptian?

Less racist if poss.

Ah, nice.

Yeah. Oh, lovely,

I feel like I'm back there.

I wound up on a beach in the south, just leaning against a, er...

another poet.

I wrote this one, it's a summary of some of my experiences in Egypt.

"Bedecked in white shawls

"A local tailor floated across the hot sand on his camel

"Nearby a handsome Englishman

"Fingered an Egyptian girl against a pyramid."

OK, this is, can you play...? Can you go bop, bop, bop-bop, bop, bop?

HE PLAYS THE REFRAIN

And then if you go...

bum, bum, bum-bum-bum, bum. You, you.

Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum bum.

Now that sort of fits, yes.

And then you, bop, bop, bop, bop.

THEY PLAY

Nice.

Can you do something? Can you play?

PLAYS HIGH PIANO KEYS

That's it, nice. Bit of composing.

It's not that hard. It's just having the courage.

# Ba-ba, ba-da-ba-ba

# Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba. #

-Do you want to put some vocals on?

-Here we are.

-Here we are.

-Oh, yes.

Here we are.

Here we are.

-Here we are.

-Lovely. Thank you.

Here we go. We'll lose the music for a second, that's horrible.

"Some of the other cubs convinced Kenneth there was a badge for arson."

-OK. "Jane had an egg..."

-Oh, no.

Sorry, carry on, I didn't mean to say anything.

I don't like egg, I don't like egg. I shouldn't have said anything.

I don't like egg. Carry on.

Sorry, sorry.

OK. "Jane had an egg."

I don't...

-What?

-You know I don't like egg.

That's OK, I'm just doing a poem about egg.

I know but I really don't like egg.

Yeah, but I can still do a... Fine. OK.

-I'd seriously rather you didn't.

-Sorry?

I'm not going to get an egg out, I'm just doing a poem about an egg.

-What?

-I've got strong feelings, I've never had an egg,

-I don't like them.

-You have had an egg.

-I've never had an egg.

-Of course you've had an egg.

There's no "of course", I've never had an egg.

-You've had an egg.

-I avoid them.

-You'd have had an omelette.

I haven't. I know they're made of eggs

so I'd chose something different, maybe ham.

-What? Like a what?

-Ham or something that isn't egg.

Fine, but you'd have had egg in something.

-I wouldn't, I'd just chose something else.

-You'd have had a cake.

Of course I've had a cake, but I've not had egg cake I'd have a chocolate cake.

-It would be in the mixture, they mix it in.

-Yeah, of course(!)

"Lovely cake, oh, there's an egg in it!"

-It would be like a chocolate cake.

-I've had chocolate cake.

Well, that would have had egg in it.

-Mm, nice bit of chopped egg(!)

-No, they mix it up.

They secretly put egg in it?

Rachel would put egg into something...

-Don't bring Rachel into it.

-OK, fine.

-You'd have had... Have you had a boiled egg?

-Say that again?

-Have you had a boiled egg?

-Yes.

-Right, well, that's egg.

-Is it?

-Yes.

Sorry, mate, I had two for lunch, lovely.

I'm going to finish with this one.

This is quite... I guess this is quite harrowing so...

MOURNFUL SAX PLAYS

"Let's get a joint account

"But she had absolutely no money..."

Guys?

"I bit her lip

"And drew blood

VERY MOURNFUL SAX PLAYS

"And immediately we were arguing about that

"And not about all this joint account bullshit."

That's all my poems, thank you very much. Enjoy the rest of the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And now I'm delighted to introduce to the stage

an extremely funny man, he is Hannibal Buress.

Hi, hello. Stand right here.

I'm renting a flat here in Edinburgh

and a couple of mornings ago I had somebody knocking on my door.

And I'm thinking, "Who's knocking on my door, I don't know anybody here."

So I say, "Who is it?!" The guy says, "Scottish Power!"

I say, "Good for you, man.

"Patriotism is a great thing.

"I don't know why you feel the need to knock on my door about it, but...

"I'm going back to bed."

I get into arguments with taxi drivers all the time

and I get out the cab and I slam the door,

but that's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver.

The way to win is you get out the cab and you leave the door open.

Then he has to step out, come round, close the door.

While he's doing that, I'm on the other side opening the other doors.

And we just keep going around and around and around.

And I've got my own Benny Hill situation going on.

Life is great.

Cue the music.

I get upset easily by people. I saw this guy, he was on the phone.

He had the phone between his ear and his shoulder like that,

but he didn't have anything in his hands.

And I was really upset. "Who the hell do you think you are?

"This action is for people who are multi-tasking.

"Where's your other task? You're not doing anything else!"

I was hoping somebody would throw a pumpkin at him.

"Yeah, I'm still here. You won't believe it,

"somebody just threw a pumpkin at me, man.

"Yeah, but don't worry, you know what my phone technique is.

"I keep my hands free,

"you never know what's going to happen on these crazy streets.

"These streets are so crazy. Why am I still holding this pumpkin?"

I was in the airport, there was this kid,

he was about four or five years old.

This kid fixed his fingers in a fake gun and he popped the shot at me.

I looked at the wall to see if there was something there

he could have been shooting at.

Looked back at him, he looked me in my eyes, popped two more shots.

Now, I'm in a predicament. What do I do?

This kid, I'm hit three times.

I have to defend myself, I'm a man before anything.

I will point blank face-shoot this kid right here in the terminal.

I don't care...

"That bitch, little kid, argh! Arghh-h-h-h!

"What you looking at, lady? Mind your business, lady. Everybody shut up!"

My other airport nemesis is...

..airport security, I don't like them at all.

They're so dedicated to keeping bottled water out of the sky,

that's their main thing.

It's probably easier to get cocaine on a plane than it is to get

a bottle of water.

Because one terrorist a few years ago did some weird liquid bomb thing

now no-one can bring liquids on a plane.

I think that's being reactive instead of proactive

because terrorists are always on to something new.

So next time it'll be some weird Snickers bomb,

then after that you can't bring full-size Snickers on a plane,

you can only bring miniature Snickers

cos that guy messed it up for everybody.

Now you're at the terminal negotiating your Snickers situation,

"What if I bring four miniature Snickers,

"that's about the same size as a full-size Snicker."

And the guy is like, "Don't play with me right now, this is not a game."

"You can't bring your bottled water, sir." "Why not? It's not bomb water.

"What if I sip this water to show you it's not bomb water?"

"What if it's sippable bomb water?"

"There's no such thing as sippable bomb water!

"You're playing silly right now. There's no such thing as bomb water."

They try to make conversation with me -

"You goin' to Edinboro for business or pleasure?"

"I'm going to Edinburgh to talk about you in front of strangers.

"So I guess both."

I don't wear my glasses in my drivers' licence photo, so one guy says,

"Can you take off your glasses?"

Yeah, sure, Captain America, it's still me.

Who are you catching like this?

What terrorists are getting caught using only glasses as a disguise?

"Goddammit, how'd they find me? No!

"I paid so much money for this disguise, I thought I was paying for the simplicity - ahh!"

Yeah, man, it's still me, do you want me to put the shirt on that I had on in the licence photo too?

How are we going to do that? That shirt's in checked baggage man.

I eat out in restaurants a bunch.

Whenever I go to restaurants I never put the napkin in my lap,

never put the napkin in my lap.

People say, "Why don't you put the napkin in your lap?"

Because I believe in myself.

I believe in my ability to not spill food in my pants

cos I'm a goddamn adult

and I've mastered the art of getting food from my plate to my mouth

without soiling my jeans,

you need to believe in yourself too and get your life together.

That's for babies. Have some confidence.

Thanks a lot, y'all! I'm Hannibal Buress, later.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Cheers, Hannibal.

I'd now like to introduce an act

that's been slayin' 'em around Edinburgh,

I can't wait to see them, here they are, The Pajama Men.

Wa-hey!

IMITATES DOOR OPENING

Oh, what a beautiful parlour you have.

Well, thank you.

Such beautiful trophies.

Yes, these are things I collected all over the world

in my time as an explorer.

-You were an explorer? Fantastic!

-I was.

-Hey, what's this?

That's a porcupine, otherwise known as the blowfish of the land.

-Fantastic. Shall we have a drink?

-Sure.

Join me right here, we'll use the chair door as regular chairs.

IMITATES POURING WINE

Would you mind? I can't make that sound.

Not at all.

GLUG! GLUG! GLUG! GLUG!

Too kind.

-What do they call you, friend?

-Oh, I have a boring name.

My name is Chance.

Chance Thunderstance.

See what you mean. Shame you don't have a cool-sounding name like Dave.

-What's yours?

-Dave.

-Why did you give up exploring, Dave?

-I'll tell you. And then you'll know.

I couldn't stand what it did to my relationships.

I gave up the most fantastic girl.

You know the kind - legs up to her neck, tits down to her knees.

Looked like a giraffe if you held her right.

-She sounds beautiful.

-She was.

I know what you mean, I just left behind my wife and a newborn babe.

You know, I always find it weird calling a child a babe.

Well, sometimes you can tell they're going to grow up to be hot.

I never had any children of my own, it skips a generation in my family.

Suppose that's why my parents were never around while I was growing up.

I know what that's like.

I never knew my father - he died before I was conceived.

Well, that's disgusting.

Would you like to know the real reason I gave up exploring?

-Of course!

-Allow me to demonstrate with my marionettes.

-All right!

My partner and I were trekking through the snow.

We came upon a bear.

We ran!

We ran all the way to the edge of the box I keep my marionettes in

and ran back the other way.

-Oh, no, you dropped one.

-Yes.

-I want to have a try anyway.

Give them to me. All right, there we go.

-Got that one?

-Just going to get the other one over here.

-Yes, take this one also.

-OK. Hold on, I got...

One of the legs is caught on the arm here.

-I can't really... The strings...

-Loop the string around.

-I'm trying, trying to shake it off.

-Let go with this finger.

-I'm trying.

There we go. OK, there we are. That's nice.

Going to make them sit down here. There we go.

Pretty good, yes. You're getting it.

-OK, good.

-Not sure what they're doing now.

Hello. How are you?

-Good. Pleasure's all mine.

-Nice to meet you.

-Would you like some tea?

-I love tea.

-OK. Here's tea.

-Oh, good.

-Delicious.

-Delicious tea.

-It's too good.

-I love to drink tea.

-Yes.

-Would you like some crumpets?

-I love crumpets.

-OK.

Here's crumpets. Oh, yum. Delicious.

-Crumpets are nice.

-Yum yum.

-Oh, yes.

-Well, good night. Time for bed.

-Good night.

-OK, goodbye.

-Bye.

Uh-oh. Oh, no. What are they doing?

-What are you doing?

-Oh, no.

-Stop that.

-What are they doing?

-It's not funny.

-They love each other.

-Don't be childish.

-Come on, it's hilarious.

-Stop them.

-Oh, come on.

-How old are you?

-Come on, they're loving it. Look at them.

-Give me those.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'd like to introduce...

Well, I'd like to introduce Lenny Bruce but he's long dead.

But instead I'm delighted to introduce one of the funniest women in Edinburgh this year,

and indeed in the world, as you're about to find out, as we welcome to the stage Josie Long.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Hello, hello. This is a bit high. Give me 10 seconds.

Then I'm going to entertain you so hard.

Good. Hi! There we go. That's perfect.

I'm going to take it out now anyway, so what's the point?

Well, that's life, innit?

What I'm going to do for you today is open with a song

because I've got the band. Be a good start.

Then I've got the letters of Charles Darwin that I thought I'd read out for you.

LAUGHTER

Evolution fans down the front.

Not so much at the back. That's fine.

I like to do a lot of different types of thing.

I like to think of myself as a Renaissance woman,

insofar as I'm a little bit chubby and I like LYING AROUND IN THE NUDE!

Basically this is a song about how I have problems differentiating

between a thing that's sort of similar but not entirely identical.

-OK. Shall we do it?

-Mm.

Wait, before we start.

I love to sing but I'm not a natural singer.

LAUGHTER

I just think, please, it's my last chance. Please, Simon. Please.

I've failed at everything else, Simon. Please.

"She's 19, Simon. She's failed at everything. Please."

I know, I'm not 19. OK.

Let's do it.

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to sing you a song about two similar

but not entirely identical things.

And how you might differentiate between the two of them.

# Let me tell you... # I love to sing, I love to sing!

# One of them is into it

-# The other not so much

-Not so much

-# One of them enjoys himself

-Enjoys himself

# The other longs for death

# One of them, he loves to dance

# The other thinks

# Is it too late for university?

-# Talking about Jedward

-Jedward

-# Jedward

-Jedward

-# I'm talking about Jedward

-Jedward

# That's what I'm talking about. # I just enjoy it.

-MUSIC STOPS

-I'm serious, if you look at them,

it really is the case, because if you look at John,

John's always like, "Hey, everything's great, yeah."

-MUSIC JANGLES

-What is that?

LAUGHTER

OK, and if you look at Edward, Edward's like...

PIANIST PLAYS SINGLE NOTES

"I wanted to be a surgeon."

MUSIC PICKS UP AGAIN

"John. John. When can we stop this?"

-MUSIC STOPS

-"When I am dead, Edward."

MUSIC STARTS

-MUSIC STOPS

-"Would you kill your own twin for your freedom, Edward?"

MUSIC STARTS

-MUSIC STOPS

-"Why are you blocking your thoughts from me, Edward?"

MUSIC STARTS

-MUSIC STOPS

-Ha! That was too early!

"Why are you thinking of a brick wall, Edward?"

I mean, admittedly I messed up the last bit

but that's what I think about Jedward.

-Do you want a big finish?

-Yeah.

# Talking about Jedward right now. #

-DRUM ROLL AND TRUMPET

-That's what we're talking about.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Oh, they're so talented. How do they do it?

It's like they know.

You just have to wave your hand at them and they stop and start.

So that's my song.

The next bit was letters from Charles Darwin, wasn't it?

Somebody gave me this book of letters

that Charles Darwin wrote home when he was going around the Galapagos Islands.

Before I got this book, my main opinions of Charles Darwin were like,

-AS A MAN:

-He's from Bromley, he's got a beard, he's got to be all right.

I'm from Bromley.

-AS A MAN:

-Got to be all right. Beards, lovely. Bromley, Bromley! You know.

He wrote to his friend Henslow as he was forming his theories of evolution.

That's all you need to know, so here we go.

-Do you want music?

-Sorry?

-Do you want any music?

-Yeah, I reckon.

Could you do me something sort of sedate?

Almost like dur-dur-dur. Like that?

HE PLAYS THE TUNE SHE HUMMED

Exactly what I sang! No, no, no.

Like a gentle harpsichord, Royal Tenenbaums kind of thing.

-No big deal. I like Wes Anderson.

-GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS

That's very good. That's very good. OK.

January 28th, my dear Henslow,

this morning we docked at a new island

and as we disembarked the vessel we encountered some turtles.

I saw one of them had markings upon its back which I found to be most unusual.

I remarked upon this to my guide and he informed me that these turtles

are native to this island, and this island alone.

So I ate it.

LAUGHTER

February 5th. My dear Henslow,

this afternoon as I sat writing in my journal, I was sat on the beach.

In the corner of one of my eyes as I wrote furiously,

I saw a giant lizard walking along the sea's edge.

I began to stare at it.

I concluded it was a salamander some two metres in length.

What a giant, proud beast it was.

Oh, thought I, what a thing it would be to see such a beast up close

but surely such a beast would be too frightened to approach me.

No sooner had I thought this thought,

that the beast indeed began to approach me, slowly, steadfastly,

but all the same with sureness.

Oh, thought I, what a shame such a beast would not come close enough

to allow me to see it closely and perhaps even touch it.

But no sooner had I thought this thought than the beast approached me to within my arm's reach

and allowed me to touch its head, leg and tail.

So I wanged it into the sea!

LAUGHTER

After much spluttering, the beast recovered itself

and, tentatively at first, brought its way back onto shore.

Oh, thought I, what a shame it is that I should not get to see such a beast again.

I have thrown away this opportunity for it should never approach me again after such treatment.

No sooner had I thought this thought, than the beast began to approach me again

as slowly and steadfastly as ever before. Oh, thought I,

surely the beast will not allow me to touch it again,

but no sooner had I thought this thought than the beast

allowed me again to touch its head, leg and tail as if to suggest

it had not encountered such treatment previously and did not expect it again.

So I wanged it into the sea again! This time I wanged it much harder.

The first time I was like, "Whatever, if you come near me I'll wang you into the sea."

That's my catchphrase. If I see a thing I've got to wang that thing right into the sea.

It's how I roll. Everybody knows that about me.

That's the second thing about me after the Bromley thing.

It comes back. I wang it into the sea.

Three hours I was there. Every time it would come back,

I'd be like, "Oh, you want some more of this little man?

"By all means, I've got plenty. I've got it in the pantry.

"There could be a nuclear holocaust, mate,

"and I'd have enough of this backed up to wang you into the sea.

"I will wang you until you are no longer wangable.

"Come back, you'll get wanged into the sea again.

"That is what's going to happen this afternoon. Wang, wang, wang."

And then I ate it.

LAUGHTER

Goodbye.

APPLAUSE

Josie! Here he is, Sammy J.

NOSTALGIC MUSIC PLAYS

# When Grandma died, my father drove us to her house to clean it up

# And sort possessions into piles

# Things to keep and things to chuck away

# And Saturday became a whole weekend

# As we would stop to read her letters

# Look at photos like we were getting to know her

# And I can't help but feel

# That my grandkids won't treat me with such respect when I go

# There'll be no box of photo albums to collect

# Just a hard drive full of folders

# And in the folders there's be files

# And if they double-click those files they'll see me

# But there'll be no heavy lifting so there'll be no nostalgic sifting

# Through my life because I can see now

FASTER MUSIC

# When my life is completed I'll be deleted

# Click one button There goes Grandad

# Now it's time for brunch

# Every e-mail sent Every iCal event

# But future grandkids give me a chance

# Just treat that hard drive like my house and walk in through the door

# Watch your step The desktop's messy

# And my junk's all on the floor

# But keep on going to the study

# Then in the bottom drawer

# You'll find pictures that tell my story

# Like the one of me and Keith in France

# With a croissant in my pants that looks like a penis

# Good times

# Or the one of me and Hannah in North Queensland

# Sitting inside a fibreglass orange and trying not to laugh

# Cos the guy who built the fibreglass orange was taking the photo for us

# And he seemed so proud and we felt so bad

# Cos up until the moment he'd approached us

# We'd been standing there taking the piss

# Cos it looked nothing like an orange

# We thought it was an armadillo

# OK, I confess you had to be there

# And to you it might seem boring but I guess

# I still thought 20 gig of JPEGs were worth storing

# Cos someone someday might care that their grandad once stood there

# On the Champs Elysee with a croissant in his pants

# But because they're not collated in an album laminated

# To protect the tears that fall

# Will there be any tears at all?

# Then open up my inbox and try to understand

# That's a lifetime's correspondence

# That you're holding in your hand

# Every YouTube link I sent Every eBay bid recorded

# Every e-mail that's meant to be for someone

# But got forwarded accidentally

# Cos some dickhead pressed reply all

# So that 20 people now know

# That I think I'm being overcharged by my graphic designer

# And one of those 20 people is my graphic designer

# And you might like to read your grandad's grovelling reply

# In which he tries to walk the fine line

# Between apologising and blaming someone else

# And that's just one of many thousand conversations you'll find there

# But you won't bother You won't care, I know

# You'll just press delete

# A lifetime on earth Delete

# So that's what I'm worth

# Just hold down alt-delete-control And format my heart and soul

# And grandkids I know you can hear me now

# Because I'm giving this song to my lawyer

# To play to you when you ask about my will

# Cos you won't get anything until

# You've opened every file And that could take a while

# Because my iTunes library

# Will bear witness to my flagrant disregard for copyright

# And the toolbar at the bottom

# Indicates that it will take you 16 days

# To get through all my random songs

# Like Do The Bartman

# And the instrumental album

# That's inspired by the music from The Lion King

# It's not actually the music from The Lion King

# Just inspired by it

# I don't know why I bought it

# I never listen to it but I hope that you enjoy it

# And that song Tubthumping by that band Chumbawamba

# That's the sort of crap your grandad liked when he was younger

# He synced it to his iPhone like all his generation

# Long before they started dying out from iPhone radiation

# Oh, I just remembered

# If you come across a folder marked home movies, best avoid that

# Your grandma and I were young and that led to you

# So show some respect

# Don't eject me, no

# And please don't press delete. #

APPLAUSE

Thanks, guys. Cheers.

Sammy J!

Now please give a big round of applause. From Australia, it's Sam Simmons!

APPLAUSE

All right, let's do this nice and loud.

FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS

TRUMPETS PLAY

I'm going to play a gameshow inside my own mind. You can't play.

It's a gameshow in my mind beginning now.

GAMESHOW JINGLE PLAYS

'Question number one. What are baby whales called?'

Sardines.

DING!

'Question number two. Is it wrong to feed a cat Viennetta?'

Not if you're a millionaire!

DING!

'Question number 17. Pick the odd one out. Philip, Janine, Peter or Margaret?'

-Janine.

-BUZZ!

-'No, it's Philip because he's only got one arm.'

-How the fuck would I know?

'Question number 45. What is 14 plus 22?'

36.

'No, the answer is maths.'

BUZZ!

'Now it's time for everybody's second favourite game. Carpet Or Floor.'

ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS

# Carpet Or Floor

# Carpet Or Floor. #

BUZZ!

Meanwhile in Portugal, Raul is learning to clap.

He's trying his best.

CLAPPING

MUSIC PLAYS

CLAPPING

MUSIC PLAYS

CLAPPING

Fuck!

'Question number 56.

'Is it me but are Glenn Close and Meryl Streep the same person?'

RUSHING NOISE

BEEP!

CAT MIAOWS

HE HISSES

MEOWING AND HISSING CONTINUE

DING!

In Mexico, some people in the village think that Pablo is a weirdo.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

WOLF WHISTLES

BEEP!

Sam Simmons, there he is.

So this is our debut single,

a debut single which we're going to release in winter 2016.

We're aiming for the Easter number one slot in 2017,

the coveted Easter number one slot.

It's quite a tender song. If you know it, do join in.

FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS

# Monday

# Tuesday

# Wednesday

# Thursday. # He knows it!

# Friday, Saturday, Sunday. # OK, second verse.

# Monday. # It's quite similar.

# Tuesday. # It's a bit more heartfelt.

# Wednesday

# Thursday

# Friday, Saturday, Sunday. #

Now it's French with a key change.

# Lundi

# Mardi. # Oui! Bonjour.

# Mercredi

# Jeudi. # Baguette!

# Vendredi, samedi, dimanche. #

Now it's in German! Up again.

# Montag

# Dienstag. # Then my favourite.

# Mittwoch

# Donnerstag

# Freitag, Samstag, Sonntag. #

Now everybody, Japanese! # Getsuyobi

# Kayobi. # Everyone!

LAUGHTER

Very good.

# Mokuyobi, obviously

# Kin'yobi, doyobi, nichiyobi. #

Last time back in English!

# Monday

# Tuesday

# Wednesday

# Thursday. # Last time!

# Friday, Saturday, Sunday. #

Oh, those were the days.

It's a nostalgic song, a nostalgic song.

Thank you. That's us.

So closing tonight's show,

he won the Big Comedy Award a couple of years ago, he is a class act.

He is David O'Doherty.

MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS

# I grew up thinking

# I was just an ordinary kid

# Just doing things ordinary kids did

# But years passed me and I began to see certain strange abilities

# I'm not a hero but I'm not a freak, freak, freak

FASTER MUSIC

# I just have very mild superpowers

# Very mild superpowers

# Like sometimes when I'm cycling with headphones on

# I can predict exactly where I'll be at the end of a song

# Very mild superpowers

# Frequently in kitchens where I've never been

# I can sense the location of the cups and crockery

# I'm talking about very mild superpowers

# My legs aren't bionic My eyes aren't X-rays

# But I'm a very good judge of whether things will fit through doorways

# Sofas, tables in particular

# But for every very mild superpower

# There's also a very mild super weakness too

# I get nauseous around the smell of bins

# I'm afraid of certain shop mannequins

# I hate the cheese that's individually sliced and vacuum-wrapped in plastic

# I can never tell when people are being sarcastic. #

'Oh, Dave, I really like that song.'

Do you?

'No.'

Maybe it's just because you fear...

# My very mild superpowers

# Look, I'm not a mutant I'm just a man

# A man who happens to be frighteningly good at getting

# Broken pens to work...again

CHEERING

Thank you.

Sure, these are grim economic times,

it's just important to remember it's not the end of the world, you know.

It's a recession

but we've all lived through several recessi in the past.

It's important just to remember it's still possible to find joy even in the darkest places.

My friend got the final warning from the gas company recently,

which is a three-paragraph letter designed to put the shits is up you

with a fake signature laser-printed upon it.

Oh, my God, they mean business.

How does he keep such a steady hand at a time like this?

But what removed any tension from her whatsoever

was the headline across the top of the letter in bold writing,

because that just said, "Your balance is outstanding"!

LAUGHTER

And it's impossible to look at that and not think, "Oh, I thank you."

You just have to ask yourself where you find joy in the world and just follow that.

I get so much joy just from imagining doing things I will never have the guts to do.

I love the idea of going to Cats, the musical, in a dog costume.

There's one on aeroplanes that I nearly have the guts to do but not quite

and that's to slightly overreact to the pre-flight announcement.

Just sitting beside a stranger, completely silent,

just wait until the captain's name is announced. "Oh, yes!

"Legend. Legend! Top five, top five."

And then just go silent just until the co-pilot's name is announced and be like, "Oh, shit.

"You killed my father. You will not take my life!"

My friend recently carried out one of the greatest pranks

that has ever been carried out in the history of pranking.

He was at the cinema with his good lady. They had been going out for some time.

This isn't as sleazy as it might sound at first.

He decided to place his man wanger up through the bottom of the box of popcorn,

which is a classic

and 50% of you have considered doing it at some stage.

I certainly have and in my mind it's always seemed like such a straightforward prank.

It's just a question of yoik, and then, "Could I interest you in some popcorn, my darling?"

"Oh, yes." Rummage, rummage.

"Ah! You are so romantic." Mwah, mwah.

Reality, it turns out, is starkly different.

Problem one, contemporary cinema popcorn, as we all know,

comes in, like, a wastepaper basket that's about that size

so having entered the box, he then had to eat his way down for a foot and a half.

"Arg, arg."

Problem two is much worse.

Contemporary cinema popcorn is highly over-salted.

So all this time he was basically pickling his own unit.

A thousand years after his death,

his wanger will be found perfectly preserved.

Someone will take it on the Antiques Roadshow.

"Looks like a ceremonial flute of some kind."

Well, to some extent...

My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend of a long time

and I tried to write a song to cheer him up. I'll leave you with this. Thank you.

MOURNFUL MUSIC PLAYS

# There's no point in telling you to delete her number

# Cos you won't

# And anyway you probably know it off by heart from staring at it like a dick

# Just don't ring it You're not allowed

# You've nothing new to say

# You've to try to think about other things

# In about two weeks you will start to feel OK

# Go to IKEA

# Buy yourself a whiteboard

# Get the special IKEA whiteboard markers with it too

# Then when you get it home

# Immediately take it back to IKEA again

# Nobody needs a fucking whiteboard

# Seriously, what is the fridge if not just a big whiteboard?

# Exchange it for bath mats or something that you might actually use

# Now there's one afternoon gone Only about 13 more shitty ones to go

# Don't listen to music

# Or at least only instrumental music

# Or music with lyrics with no emotional impact whatsoever

# World Cup songs

# It Wasn't Me by Shaggy

# Who Let The Dogs Out?

# Actually that's inappropriate cos in the end she took your dog

# Go and visit elderly neighbours

# Ask them about the war

# Or how cold it used to be

# Or the first time they saw a television or a pineapple

# Perspective

# Try and do things, you know, where you move around a bit

# Go for a walk by the canal

# Well, how was I to know that's where you met?

# Then go for a run by the sea

# Oh, that's where she broke up with you

# Well, go there anyway

# She can't have the sea

# It's 60% of the planet

# You have to take the fucking sea back

# If you really need to think about her

# Try and focus on the bad stuff

# Her voice was actually pretty monotone

# I think she had contact lenses

# You wear glasses

# That means your babies would have had flippers

LAUGHTER

# There was definitely a time before you met her when you used to be OK

# Give it about two weeks and you'll be starting to feel that way

Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

David O'Doherty there!

We have reached the end of the evening.

Let me leave you and say goodbye with two little final thoughts.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

LAUGHTER

And always, always remember the words of Lothian Council.

Tuesdays and Fridays are rubbish days.

LAUGHTER

See you again sometime. Farewell.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]