Scotland's Comedy Cuts

What?

Oooh!

Haud it, haud it, haud it. Haud it, haud it, haud it.

DOORBELL BUZZES

Come on, come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on. Yeah, mate, sorry.

The public toilets are out of order there, and could I...?

-I know it's cheeky, man.

-No, it's OK. It's fine.

-Oh, cheers.

-Just through there.

-Thanks. I do appreciate this.

-No problem.

HE GROANS

HE URINATES

MUSIC: "Nutbush City Limits" by Tina Turner

# A church house gin house

# A school house outhouse

# On highway number 19

# The people keep the city clean

# They call it Nutbush

# Oh, Nutbush

# They call it Nutbush City Limits

# 25 was the speed limit

# Motorcycle not allowed in it

# You go to store on Fridays

# You go to church on Sundays

# They call it Nutbush

# A little old town

# Oh, Nutbush

# They call it Nutbush City Limits... #

And so I've set up office in here and I'm going to run

as an independent candidate for the Burnistoun West seat.

People say single-issue candidates are never a good thing for politics.

Well, the needless installation of traffic lights

at the Dekebone Roundabout

is a single issue around which this whole community has rallied.

If our MP had dealt with this single issue in the first place,

there would be no need for me to do this.

But let's say you win. You'll need to think about more than the traffic lights at the Dekebone Roundabout.

Well, I'll worry about that when I win.

CONVERSATIONAL HUBBUB

I cannae believe that we've won.

I was just hoping to make a point, really,

but to have actually won just shows you the strength of feeling

people have towards these utterly needless traffic lights

at the Dekebone Roundabout, which it is now my job to have removed.

Now, I think the police are happy for them

to hang around on the spare ground, but my house backs onto it,

and this gang are regularly smashing my windows and intimidating me.

Right. And where is your house in relation to the Dekebone Roundabout?

Nowhere near the Dekebone Roundabout!

I just told you where I lived.

Well, is there some way you can get these boys onto the Dekebone Roundabout?

What are you talking about?

Like, put some alcopops out for them, as bait.

Lure them onto it, and then maybe I can help you.

Why should they need to be on that roundabout for you to help me?

Well, I was elected on the Dekebone Roundabout issue.

That's where my focus is. That's reality.

I mean, nobody was expecting a hung parliament in the first place,

but for the whole thing to hinge on me was just incredible.

What did the Prime Minister say to you?

I didn't give him the chance to say anything.

I just says, "Here, you, never mind saving your own backside,

"what about these traffic lights at the Dekebone Roundabout?"

-What did he say?

-He asked me to be the Foreign Secretary.

HE COUGHS

Sorry, Mr President, I'm choking on my roll and tattie scone here.

Yes, I know the Middle East situation is very complex,

but I feel we can solve it by taking the same approach

as I've taken to the Dekebone Roundabout.

Are you aware of that particular chaos?

I've come unfeasibly far in British politics,

and I suppose it's inevitable that the thing that got me where I am

-is the thing that finishes me off.

-Is this breaking news?

On the day I finally get the traffic lights at the Dekebone Roundabout removed,

Billy Carr's daughter is driving round it in a brand-new Punto.

-She stopped halfway round, expecting a red light.

-Force of habit.

Aye. Anyway, she took a bit of a bump.

It caused £200 worth of damage.

So I feel I've no option

but to resign as the Prime Minister of Great Britain.

-I can't even

-BLEEP

-drive!

Can't even drive.

"Michaela stood above her bashed and broken body,

"searching for a glimmer of light.

"When he reached down and touched her shoulder, he felt a..."

Gonnae no dae that?

-How?

-Just gonnae no?

My name's James Jumpstyle of Jumpstyle Beds and Chairs,

Burnistoun's only Jumpstyle furniture store.

You better get down here for our spring sale quick-style,

or should that be Jumpstyle?

TRANCE MUSIC PLAYS

My Jumpstyle staff will sort you out with all your furniture needs, Jumpstyle.

What kind of bedside cabinet were you after, madam?

Jumpstyle beds and chairs! Come on down and shop in style.

Shop in Jumpstyle!

THEY SING IN HARMONY

-Oh, that was rare.

-Fabulous.

-Here, d'you mind this?

# If you're going to break a heart

# Be sure to break a fat girl's heart, they're bigger

# Much bigger

# If you're going to ruin someone's life

# Be sure they're not a skelf

# Skinny girls are fine

# But when you dump them

# They just run and find another

# But when you crush a chubby's heart

# She remains with all the fatties on the shelf

# That shelf is creaking

# She remains with all the fatties on the shelf. #

Oh, we've still got it!

I heard old Biscuity Boyle was down there and all.

Aye, he got stuck in a revolving door and his trousers fell down.

Poor old bugger.

Aye, ya coupla bent shots, man!

MOCKING LAUGHTER

-Wee tadgers.

-Hey! Don't dingie us, you pair of rent boys, man.

Keep goin', Gordo.

Yous are getting knifed, man.

HE LAUGHS

Try to imagine throwing a 2-litre bottle of ginger over 150 metres

and landing it dead centre on a target,

that target being a rocket's napper.

That's exactly what my next guest did, Gordon Belford.

-Gordon, hello.

-Hello, Sarah.

So, what's the script with this ginger-throwing thing, then?

Well, me and my mate Jamie were just oot getting some swadgers,

and on the way back, these wee guys started giving us a bit of snash.

-What kind of snash?

-Just kind of calling us bent shots and rent boys, an' that.

And then one of the wee skelpers said that he was pulling a knife,

so I just flung my bottle of ginger, and as fortune had it, I dooched it right aff his dome.

Amazing.

And is it true you're going to be in the Guinness Book Of Records?

Well, apparently, I'd have to recreate the throw under Guinness conditions.

FANFARE

Gordon, do you have your 2-litre bottle of ginger?

CHEERING

The wee fud is in position.

Yous are all getting knifed, man!

Gordon, good luck.

Ya-a-agh!

Yeah! FANFARE

Whoo! Mwah!

CHEERING

HE SIGHS

-CORNY AMERICAN ACCENTS:

-I heard old Biscuity Boyle's doon there, an' all.

-Aye.

-He got stuck in the revolving doors, and his troosers fell doon.

-Poor old bugger.

-Hey! You a couple of bent shots, man?

-Wee tadgers.

Hey! Don't dingie us, you rent boys!

-Keep walking, Gordo.

-No, baby.

Us decent folk don't need to stand for no more of this bullshit, baby.

Yous are getting knifed, man.

Wah!

No-one can withstand my 2-litre bottle of ginger, bitch!

You want some, baby?

You got 'em, Gordo.

Come on!

NORMAL VOICE: What are you doing, Gordo? You'll never hit 'em from here.

Ah, ya muppet! Ye cannae even throw a bottle o' ginger, man!

ALL JEER

Come on.

This Christmas, Soda Bread Records'

gift to you is Donald O'Daniel's My Best Pal Jesus -

a beautiful collection of songs, all with a Jesus-y theme,

including Judas Is No Friend Of Mine, Lot's Salty Wife

and the classic ballad, A Table For Twelve.

Also featuring Roll Boulder and Stone Me.

# Stone me, stone me... #

And who could forget

I'm Wearing Jesus Sandals As A Tribute To The Boss?

# I'm wearing Jesus sandals as a tribute to the boss... #

And the toe-tapper Hot Cross Fun, and everybody's favourite...

# It's not my face on the Turin shroud... #

Go on!

Soak your granny's knickers this Christmas

with Donald O'Daniel's My Best Pal Jesus.

Ohhh!

Oh, I know it's terribly, terribly wicked of me,

and I really, really shouldn't, but...

SHE SPITS