A Civil Arrangement

She said, "I'm not dressing up like a candy floss,

"so you can get that idea out of your head right away."

I said, "You're taking all the good of it away."

She said, "Who for? You or me?"

You just want what's best for them, what you never had yourself,

which, in my case, was pretty much everything.

Can I help it if I don't want her making the same mistakes?

We've never had what you'd call

a typical mother-daughter relationship.

I thought this wedding might bring us closer together -

actually, beginning to wonder if it's having the opposite effect.

Shade more in the other direction

and this would be verging on the vomitous.

She said, "When's the happy event?"

I said, "August."

"Summer wedding?"

I said, "No, that's when she's moving out."

"Wedding isn't till September."

"Honeymoon?"

I said, "Rene, her life has been one long honeymoon."

She said, "Isobel, it's young people the world over,

"they've had it handed to them on a plate.

"And are they grateful? No, they're not.

"And they're up to all sorts, they don't know where to draw the line.

"They're marrying cousins, they're marrying pets.

"Find a nice man, preferably from the same gene pool,

"and settle down to a life of blissful servitude like the rest of us.

"What's the fella's name?"

I said, "Janice."

She said, "Oh".

DOOR SLAMS

She could be forgiven for Nicola Benedetti,

with a bit of persuasion, he'd make allowances for Andrea Bocelli.

There is absolutely no way she'll get her father up the aisle

to I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It.

The whole point of this discussion was to try to bring him round

to our way of thinking.

Granted, the ceremony is, in its own way, unique,

and deserves a fresh approach.

But that kind of thing just alienates anyone over 50.

I dangled Pachelbel's Canon but she wasn't biting.

It had gone the way of every family discussion since she came out -

a party political broadcast on behalf of the Let's Slap It In To My Parents

At Every Bloody Opportunity Party.

The problem is, as far as her marrying another woman is concerned,

her father hasn't really warmed to the idea.

Came as quite a shock,

thought of his little princess crossing to the dark side.

We never suspected.

Was it unusual for a young girl to have the complete collection

of Haynes Workshop Manuals?

I suppose, but it's easy to be wise after the event.

It certainly explained why I could never get her excited about pop socks.

They were always plenty young men a-calling,

pulling up outside the door at all hours.

How were we to know they just needed help with an oil change?

It'll be fine, he's got six weeks.

I've always been all right about it.

Person struggling the most is Kelly herself,

can't bear the thought of her father turning his back on her.

Naturally, she takes it out on me.

The bright spot on the horizon is Janice.

Works down the garden centre.

Right away I thought, she's been brought in to lug the slabs.

Turns out she's their chief horticulturist.

Got us a great deal on our blue lobelias,

save us a packet when we come to do the mono blocking.

Older than I would have liked,

but she's the calming influence I think our Kelly needs.

Go as far as to say,

if I was to pick the perfect son-in-law,

Janice would be it.

MAN ON TV: '..I was having a party and the pianist had said that he couldn't make it..."

HORN BEEPS

Oh, Janice.

'..She said you might meet the woman of your dreams?'

TV OFF

SHE SIGHS

If you don't stop behaving like this, I'll leave you!

DOOR SLAMS

That girl must wonder what kind of family she's marrying into.

Oh!

Oh, lovely!

SHE LAUGHS

MUSIC BLARES FROM HEADPHONES

< So, when did you change your mind, then?

She can't walk up the aisle to this.

There are expletives.

There was that one thing, you knew I wanted that.

I said, if she intended to demean herself in such a manner,

then I'd insist she bury me to the strains of Will Young

because I would no doubt drop down dead with the shame,

and I know she doesn't like it.

Incredibly, Janice pipes up that maybe I had a point.

Could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I didn't know where to look, so I looked at Kelly, crimson.

Can still hear them.

Kelly, mad she didn't get her own way,

Janice, calm - pouring oil on troubled waters, as usual.

Think I can safely say,

that's the first time anyone has ever taken my side.

So, he dropped a bombshell this morning.

He's not giving her away.

You don't want to hear that a month before, I can assure you.

Phoned her on her mobile but it was turned off.

Or else she saw it was me and turned it off.

I phoned Janice.

Ah, immediately, she set my mind at ease.

I think it's all that time she spends with plants.

She said, "I could offer one suggestion,

"have you considered the possibility of giving Kelly away yourself?"

So, I'm now father of the bride.

It's difficult keeping up.

After lunch, Kelly says, "we're planning the hen night."

I said, "I'm looking forward to it."

"We'll be having a stripper."

"I said, "it's nothing I haven't seen before."

I knew what she was doing,

she was trying to make it sound as unattractive as possible

so Mummy won't go.

Mummy wouldn't miss it.

"I think you'd be embarrassed by my friends."

I said, "I doubt it,

"after 15 years in social services, I'm two thirds unshockable."

She said, "you're a dinner lady,

"what do you see, steak and kidney pie with no top on?"

Even Janice had to stifle a laugh,

only, I think she sensed I was embarrassed cos she looked away.

There's a chuckle from the corner - I'd forgotten he was there -

I said, "I'm glad to see something makes you laugh,

"by now, normally, you've stormed off upstairs."

He said, "It's time somebody put you in your place."

I said, "It wouldn't be you, would it?

"You wouldn't know how."

That took him upstairs, he's nothing if not predictable.

Can't be 100% certain, but, as he left,

I thought I caught them looking at one another.

First time in weeks.

In fact, if I didn't know better,

I'd swear he gave her a bit of a wink.

Either way, she had a grin like a Cheshire cat.

Still, if my humiliation sets them on the road to reconciliation,

I suppose it's a step in the right direction.

I'm sure guilt had some part to play in it,

but I got a call from Janice this morning.

Kelly had been held up at work

and would I like to come with her, check out the venue for the reception.

I jumped at the chance,

got me out of the house for a couple of hours.

Got me away from him.

Been doing that a lot lately.

What's your secret, Janice?

How are you able to go through life with your cup half full?

She said,

"I force myself to see the good in every situation.

"Each night before turning in,

"I try to think of three things that have made the day worthwhile."

She has this funny little scar above her eye

she got from her mother-in-law's tongue.

"Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not.

"Sometimes the best you can come up with is,

"dropped the toast, but it fell butter side up."

I thought, we've all been there.

She said, "I take it we're no further forward?"

I says, "No, we're not.

"It's an uphill struggle, Janice,

"and I don't know if I can do it on my own.

She said, "You're not on your own."

And she put her hand on mine.

Only, it must have been this that threw the manager

cos he suddenly starts calling me Kelly,

and giving me the occasional wink!

I said, "I'm not the one getting married."

Christ knows, I wouldn't make that mistake again.

It's not been all bad.

We did get some things right. Got married in a church, for one,

proper ceremony, minister.

These civic places just aren't the same.

No romance.

It's like nipping in for planning permission.

Anyway, I think you're less likely to stray

if you know God's had a hand in it.

We could do with a bit of divine inspiration here.

Stage, postage stamp of a dancefloor,

table to one side for the cake.

Which reminds me, I'm sure they're commonplace in the big cities,

but they looked at me funny when I asked for it here.

I ended up having to buy two regular figurines,

split them apart,

glue the brides back together,

and, hey, presto,

one same sex couple cake decoration.

She said, "Did you make this for us?"

Had to, they're not so easy to come by in the shops.

She said, "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me."

Bursts into tears.

I'm thinking, it's all starting to get to her,

stresses and strains of planning a wedding.

Two weeks and counting.

She said, "I think I've made a mistake."

I said, "I'm sure you have, you'll never get 200 in here."

"Not the venue, the person.

"I'm not sure we're suited."

"What's brought this on?"

"Your cake decoration."

"Up until now, it's all been hypothetical,

"but seeing these two women, it's become a reality."

I felt like saying, for some of us, it's been nothing but.

Instead, I gave her a hug.

I'm not normally very tactile,

but I felt the situation called for it.

She has a lovely smell.

Three fifths Eternity, the rest Baby Bio.

Imagine thinking me and Janice were a couple!

I'm old enough to be her...

slightly older sister.

Started the week on the usual low.

Decided to follow Janice's advice,

and each night before turning in,

I'd write three positive things that happened to me.

I got one.

When the highlight of your day is,

"Managed to get the worst of it off his tan slacks"

it's time to throw in the towel.

Then the bouquet arrived,

"To a wonderful mum, thanks for being there."

From Janice, naturally.

About that bit of business last week.

I phoned her.

I said, while I was most grateful for the flowers

and sincerely touched by the gesture,

I didn't think I'd done anything particularly out of the ordinary.

And it pretty much went with the territory,

it was what being a mother-in-law was all about.

She said, it had been a pivotal moment

in the development of her relationship with Kelly

when her judgment had been briefly clouded.

Little did I know, I had performed a great service,

and for that, she would be for ever in my debt.

Then Kelly bursts in, all guns blazing.

She's got wind that I tried to talk Janice out of booking that place.

"Where, exactly, do you get off

"telling me how to arrange my wedding?

"Less than a week to go, we'll end up at the Happy effing Harvester!

"You're to have no more to do with it.

"Understand? Leave the arrangements to me."

I said, "That's a bit harsh, what will Janice say?"

"It's got eff all to do with Janice!

"Butt out, or stay away."

Got my coat and left.

Walked for a bit...

They told me she was on hardy perennials,

which was way off

cos I actually caught up with her at laminate flooring.

I didn't bother to say hello, she was busy.

Watched her for a bit though.

Very conscientious, meticulous to a fault.

Packaging all facing out, edges lined up,

last minute wipe down with a shammy.

Hadn't noticed before, but she's something of a girl, is our Janice.

Very familiar with the customers,

verging on flirtatious.

Only that seemed to go down very well with the ladies.

I suppose they feel more comfortable around another woman.

LOUD MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

Oh, the game is, you can have as many drinks as you like,

so long as each one's different.

I was doing all right up until that last creme de menthe,

been coming back on me ever since.

"Do you realise, Isobel, that as mother of the groom,

"you are outranked only by the groom herself?"

That's what they're calling her, the groom.

That was down to me.

I got a bit tongue-tied after a flaming sambuca

and it seems to have stuck.

I make them laugh.

Well, they don't do enough of it! I said to Sonia, I said,

"Sonia, don't you think you'd be more accepted into the mainstream

"if you took yourselves a little less seriously?"

Nice girl,

what she doesn't know about home cinema isn't worth knowing.

I said, "People have this pre-conceived notion

"that you're a hefty, humourless bunch,

"which, clearly, you're not."

Big Ronnie pipes up,

"you've certainly been a tonic tonight, Isobel."

She would easily confirm the notion

that they are a hefty, humourless bunch,

were it not for the blow-up doll she's inflating.

In between puffs,

she announces that I am to be taken under the wing of the sisterhood,

and honours me with the title, Sister in Embryo.

The initiation of which involves kissing the, er,

lady parts of the said doll.

I said, normally, I wouldn't,

as oral hygiene was something I took very seriously.

But I'd make an exception in this case,

as it was clearly just out the packet.

Oh, I don't know how I do it, really, I don't.

They've decked Kelly out in pink bridal veil,

L plates and devil's horns.

I thought, you're sailing very close to the wind there, girls.

It's only a matter of time before she sums up the courage.

"Who'd have thought it," she says,

"all these years living under one roof

"and I had no idea I was living with Margaret Cho."

"And I bet Dad had no idea either,

"you've kept your cards very close to your chest."

I say nothing.

"I don't know why you're being so nice to her, she can't even say it."

Gina says, "Say what?"

"The L word." I said, "I can."

She said, "Go on then." I said, "No."

She said, "I dare you." I said, "No, I won't."

Janice says, "Leave it, Kel."

But she's like a dog with a bone, "Say the L word, say it."

I said, "No." "For me."

I said, "No."

"Then for Janice."

I said, "Lesbian."

That shut her up.

The worst part of the whole thing was poor Janice.

She just sat there staring at Kelly.

It was like she was seeing her for the first time.

It was a look of disappointment.

Ha!

L plates. I get it now!

Girls are not long away.

Taxi wasn't going to take them to begin with,

said there were two too many,

till I pointed out one of them was inflatable, and he relented.

They know how to party, these girls.

And they know how to conduct themselves,

they couldn't give you a showing up if they tried.

Kelly threw up, of course.

Totally unconcerned as to whether she gives you a showing up or not.

Thankfully, I got to her with a Stetson

before there was any lasting damage.

Her devil horns had slipped, so I guess there's always hope.

Janice looks so peaceful.

She had this perfect lipstick mark on her cheek,

but I wiped it off.

Gently, like, I didn't want to wake her.

She has beautiful skin.

Outdoors skin.

I gave her a kiss on the cheek.

A mother's kiss.

Only she must have moved,

cos suddenly it was her lips.

I pulled away.

She was smiling.

Still sleeping, but smiling.

Only when I looked back, Kelly was watching me.

I didn't say anything.

Some things are best left unsaid.

DOOR SLAMS

Perish the thought you should see your daughter on her wedding day.

Oh, I keep thinking of Janice.

Perhaps her reservations are justified.

Hate to think of her unhappy.

Oh, can't believe I talked her round.

What was I thinking?

The blushing bride,

no mention of last night, thank goodness.

Quiet all through breakfast, though.

I thought, either you've forgotten,

or you're waiting to choose your moment.

SHE SIGHS

WOMAN SCREAMS >

'"There's something I have to say." I thought, here we go.'

She said, "We haven't been very good at this mother-daughter thing, have we?"

"I've always put Dad first,

"I realise now I was wrong."

I thought, don't do this to me, Kelly.

Don't go all loving daughter on me at this late stage.

She said, "Where is he now?"

"You're the one standing here, you're the one who cares.

"It never mattered to you that I was marrying a woman."

And she's right.

It never did.

DOOR THUDS >

'She's marrying Janice,'

the wonderful, supportive,

awkward Janice.

Who sees the good in everyone,

and who makes me feel like life is worth living.

The beautiful, funny, clear-skinned Janice.

With sparkling eyes and hands like shovels,

who can breathe life into a withering pelargonium.

And who breathed life into me.

The quiet, sweet-smelling,

reckless Janice.

With the wisdom of Solomon,

and lips like...

Kelly's dream had come true,

mine...

"Where do you think you're going?"

I said, "Home, it's been a long day."

"Without a quick dance with your favourite daughter-in-law?"

I thought, yes, Janice, that was the general idea.

"Oh, no, you don't. I have a surprise for you."

'She'd remembered.'

MUSIC: "Leave Right Now" by Will Young

# I'm here just like I said

# Though it's breaking... #

She's a good dancer. Firm, assertive.

I said, "I think you'll be very good for our Kelly."

She says, "That's if I don't kill her first."

"Yes, she's her father's daughter in that respect."

She says, "But she's like her mother in more ways than you can know."

"You are happy, Isobel?

"You deserve to be happy."

# I can never not be true So I say

# I think I better leave right now Before I fall any deeper

# I think I better leave right now

# Feeling weaker and weaker

# Somebody better show me how

# Before I fall any deeper

# I think I better leave right now. #

I should tell our Kelly.

I'll tell her father,

this, this really should be nipped in the bud.

Only...

I think every story should have a happy ending.

At the very least, the possibility of one.

# I kissed a girl and I liked it

# The taste of her cherry Chapstick

# I kissed a girl just to try it

# I hope my boyfriend don't mind it

# It felt so wrong, it felt so right

# Don't mean I'm in love tonight

# I kissed a girl and I liked it. #

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