Russell Howard: Right Here Right Now

This programme contains strong Thank you very much. How are you? I

love doing gigs in London. I love this city. Thank you so much for

coming. It is just... APPLAUSE It is just a funny place.

The last time I did a gig here, I said, what is the best thing to do

in London? And a voice went, Rachel. I went, who said that? And the same

voice went, Rachel. Sometimes, comedy can occur from nowhere in

London. King's Cross station, platform 9.75, which actually

exists, and you have seen a child running towards the wall, and

you're going, oh, my God, this is actually going to happen, that

child is going to smash his head against the wall. There is no

adults here, I am the only adult and I am not going to stop this.

I'm going to Hogwarts! No, you're going to accident and emergency.

The aggression of this place is fantastic. Even the squirrels are

aggressive. Normally you see a squirrel, it is like, excuse me,

and it scuttles up a tree. I was in Regent's Park, and this big, fat

one was looking at me, as if to go, no, you go around. I had to edge my

way around it. I was terrified, I had to go to Nando's to calm myself

down. I am obsessed with me. -- with food. I cannot not watch Come

Dine With Me. Again watch hour after hour. That no later, I love

him. He has got the easiest job in television. All he has got to do is

to watch people eating, and then rip the piss out of them. I hope my

risotto goes well. It probably won't, you stupid bitch. Me and the

guests are getting on great! They want you to jump into a bath

clutching a toaster. The atmosphere is a bit flat. Like your tits, You

towed. You cook the food, love, we're going to rifle through your

stuff, in search of a dildo. Going through your things! It'll was on

Come Dine With Me, I would highroad off, dress him up as Hitler, and

put him in my cupboard. I wonder what is in here...! Tricky phone

call to the agent. It is not a pantomime, as such. It is not just

Come Dine With Me. My God, a watch so much poor TV. Take me out. The

women have to be actors, it is physically impossible to be that

stupid. What is the best part of your personality? Probably my shoes.

And the fake tan, I have never seen anything like it! These women on

Take Me Out. If they wore any more fake tan, Madonna would try and

adopt them. That was interesting, lots of love in over there, nothing

over here. Madonna is a weird- looking goose, isn't she? Have you

seen her arms? It is like the BFG's dick! Some poor African kid. The

most addictive TV show, without a -- Embarrassing Bodies. Are you

going to go to your local doctor and sort that out? No, I'm going to

go on television! They go on that programme, carrying their nuts in

wheelbarrows. Hello, Britain, point the camera up my arse! They should

get the narrator from Come Dine With Me on Embarrassing Bodies. I

watch so much crap, and I have got box groaning at me from bookshelves

- Readme, Russell, learn from me. I can't, I'm afraid, I am watching

the only way is a six. Have you seen that? I have put this in my

family, and now it is all shiny. It is what a mental person would do if

you locked them in a tinsel factory. Do not hurt my family! Men do not

do that, do they? Behold, my knob frock! I dipped my dick in glitter!

How scared would you be if your boyfriend did that? And it won a

BAFTA. What is wrong with us? Why do we celebrate banality?

Apparently, there is going to be a new show called Jordan Idol. We are

trying to find a new Katie price. Why do we want to idolise her?

There are so many people we could idolise, lawyers, doctors, poets,

charity workers. Why? Why would women want to act like her, think

like her, look like her? Women are beautiful, you do not want to look

like Jordan. The surgery looks ridiculous. Look at and Robinson,

she looks like a fox in a wind Tull, that is not a good look. She has

had so many facelifts, every time she winks, her leg goes like that.

I am baffled by a hero worship, I do not get it. It is like Justin

Bieber. It is a colossal BLEEP. APPLAUSE You can applaud, I will be

the one found dead in a Wendy house. Why is he famous? I will tell you

why, because he said there were a baby more times than any other man

in a three-minute period. That is it. Have you heard that song, it is

like an autistic child in a maternity ward. Baby, Baby, Baby,

Baby, Baby, Baby. That's not music, that's mental illness. They are all

the same. What's this? Umbrella! Ella, Ella! Ugh! All right, Katie?

I kissed the girl and I liked it! Justin Bieber has got an

autobiography out. He is five years old. Imagine reading that book. My

name is Justin. Today I had some cereal that was so chocolatey, it

turned the milk Brown. There is a picture of a horse. I drawed It

with my fingers. Lady GaGa, I do not get. If my nan came to our cars

are looking like that, we would put her in her home. All right, I have

been down to Morrisons and put Minns on my head! OK, before you

kill people. It is my poker face! Everyone is like that, Lady GaGa is

so amazing, she's so unique. But it is engineered lunacy, it is not

proper madness. It is designed, safe madness. You want to see real

madness, get down the West Country, you will find it in spades. Listen

to them. Amazing place. Listen to them! I love the West Country.

People come bounding up to me to share their madness with me. I was

in Bristol a little while ago, and this couple - it might have been

you, madam, in which case, I salute your genius - they lapped up to me,

they did not say hello, they just said, ask us what we are doing

later. And the lady pointed at her husband, who was about 40, and said,

he is going to shag my brains out. It's that bloke off the telly.

Shall we get a photograph? No, let tell him how we do the nasty. I

like that phrase, I shagged her brains out. By will be honest with

you, I have never done that. At best, I have made them forget a

novel. Did you enjoy that? I cannot remember Catcher In the Rye. Bend

over, baby, let's get rid of the Gruffalo. Why would you want to

shag someone's brains out? Surely that would be awkward. How was that

for you, my dear? Oh, no, we were going to do a pub quiz! Hello, is

that Take Me Out? I have got a new contest and for you. She is proper

gone. All sorts of things men are meant to say and do during sex. We

do not too many of them. No man has ever said, who is your daddy, when

having sex from behind. What are you talking about, this is not an

episode of Who do you think you are? I just wanted to say it. Well,

I would rather you didn't, I would rather you just got on with your

business. Who is your daddy? Apparently she is meant to go, you

are. Oh, right. How are you getting on at school, are you doing all

right? It is probably best we don't tell Mum about this. In fact, I had

better shag your brains out, so this never happened. I am not very

good at sex. I tend to drift - I mean, in my head, not from the

vagina, obviously. It would be a terrible affliction. What's wrong?

I am drifting from the vagina, that's the problem. That sounds

like the poetic -- most poetic way of saying you're gay. What's wrong?

I'm drifting from the vagina, I don't get why it is that when

someone is go they have to say they are coming out of the closet. We do

not say the word closet in any other situation. Nobody says the

word closet but I know the reason. If somebody had said they had come

out of the wardrobe, you would say, are you from Narnia? I am gay! Have

you told as that lion? He will be cross with you. And why can my

parents not say that someone is gay? They have to use ridiculous

euphemisms. My mum. Nigel? he likes to cook a skipping rope in the

glove box! He plays ping-pong for Albania! Frogs in a windmill. What

are you talking about? He fucks man, Russell, all right? Men, over and

over! Oh, he is gay? Did you know about this, Dad? Nigel? Oh, yes, he

puts his cakes in the wheelie bin. He is a proper cake wheelie bin man.

Maybe it is just be. I am blessed with a funny family. An insane

family, but funny. My dad is 55. He has started working out and he

thinks that means he is allowed to wear Lycra. He is not! I think you

look like a lunging been! Get away from me. My mother is dancing in

the kitchen. I love this. I love Michael Bubble. It is Michael

Buble! That is one bubble I would like to blow. It is like they saved

up all of them madness for Christmas. Every family does that.

You come back for Christmas and it is like, hello, let the lunacy

begin. I am lucky because it seems that whenever I am around my family,

the just occurs. You know what I said about King's Cross station? --

comedy just occurs. We found out this year that my brother had

shagged a girl in a hedge. I cannot tell you how excited we were. You

should have seen my dad during the meal. These sprouts are greener

than Daniel's legs! He was getting it from all angles, foliage, is

Shawbury, Green giant! -- shrubbery. My mother was delighted because she

thought he put his cakes in the wheelie bin! It was so beautiful.

He was telling us about the hedge conquest. He said that she was nice,

pretty good, in the hedge, pretty good. Daniel, how old are you? 28.

How old was the woman? Not important. How old? 50! I swear to

God, this was one of the moment occurred. I swear to God this

happened, at the exact moment that my brother said 50. My mum's dog

vomited on his feet. It was like the dog was judging him. 50? Feel

my vomit on your toes! I have never heard anything so filled in my life.

I am going to lick my balls in front of the Queen. He is such a

wonderful view men being, you would love my brother. When he was

Little... Most kids dress up as Spiderman. My brother will this for

two years. -- was wearing this for two years. As a child, he was

wonderful. As an adult, a brother has no ego. He lives for the moment.

Pretty much everything he does starts with a voice in his head

going, fuck it, it will be a laugh and it will really enjoy Russell. -

- and Roy Russell. The worst thing he did was in Thailand recently.

When we were there, his appendix burst, which was terrific. I had to

pay for the operation because we had no travel insurance because we

are both idiots. I will let you into the secret. He was there for

three days and he would drift in and out of consciousness and every

time he was asleep I went away to enjoy my holiday. And when he woke

up, he would ask if I was still there and I said of course. I will

never leave you! That is good, I feel tired. Do you? Sleep well, my

angel. Sleep well! This was going well, you know. I had the good

system going. Three days later, he was in a wheelchair and we were

taking him out of hospital and pushing him around. He was like,

thank you, you did not need to stake all that time but you did.

You could have been out there having a laugh but you were there

with me and it was lovely. No problem! You could have gone off

and gone stuff. I didn't, did I? You didn't, did you? That was all

going well until he found this photograph. Have you been swimming

with dolphins? And he obviously wanted revenge because he looked at

me and he said, take me there! Take me to the dolphins. So we had to

meet the dolphins that I had been swimming with. I pushed him in a

wheelchair to beat them. Before you meet them, there are plenty of you,

and the lady tells you how to behave. You cannot touch the eyes.

You cannot touch the blowhole. Nobody touched the Dolphin's

genitalia. I swear to God, my brother from the back of the rooms

screamed out, what is the fucking point? I could hear the little shit

beginning and squeaking down the corridor. People turned to me in

disgust. Do you know what I said to them? He is very ill! He did

something else in Thailand. I am not sure I should tell you about

this. It is terrible, genuinely appalling. It is funny! But I am

not sure... Do you fancy hearing this? Right, you have to be sure.

Yes? OK, on your head be it. He did something else that was terrible.

The first day we got back to the hotel, he was in a wheelchair and

he got to the lift, and when we were in the lift with five people,

he started making noises. Oh, yes, you know the noises he was making.

Sticking his tongue out, really going for it. People were looking

at me, going... He carried on. We were on the 30th floor! Making

noises all the way up! I got out of the lift and I punched him in the

face. But there were people outside the left...! -- the lift. And they

have not seen what he had done! All they have seen is a blurred they

recognise from English television going up to a man in a wheelchair

and Punch and in the face. And screamed out loud, what the fuck is

That was not even the weirdest thing that happened on holiday, it

was not. Do you know what was? No matter where you go when Thailand,

one man leaps out from behind a building and asks if you want to

see a ping-pong show. Hey, you, ping-pong show? Hey, English! Ping-

pong show? And you are so, like, no, we do not want to see a ping-pong

show. How dare you? So we were in the ping-pong show, right!

Obviously. You sound so disappointed. Of course I was going

to go. Are you familiar with the concept of a ping-pong show? Yes,

why do you think it was invented? If you do not, allow me to

demonstrate. You should have seen your faces! What happens, a very

lovely lady sits there and for want of a better phrase fires a ping-

pong ball out of her family. That is what she does. I first thought

was that was definitely how we should do the lottery. It was so

funny because she was randomly aiming at people in the crowd. She

hit my brother twice, beautiful! Make her stop! I am not going to

make a stop. He had pink dots all over his head. He looked like Mr

Blobby. The reason I am telling you and the reason why this was the

wildest thing that happened in Thailand, after 20 minutes of this

lady left, presumably to reload. Suddenly the lights went down and

the woman who was about 70 was just standing there. Everyone in the

room was going, Jesus Christ! But Hello! We were all there going, oh

my God! What is she going to do? What is she going to do? My brother

just looked at me and went, basketball! We were trying to guess

what she was going to do. What is it going to be? Cigarettes? No.

Pineapple? No. Rubik's Cube? Complete! But it was not that. It

remains to this day the most insane thing. If you of the nervous

disposition, look away. The woman road back and a budgie flew out of

her vagina. My brother said, and I quote, fuck a dog. That cheered me

up because you think you have seen everything in life and then you see

something new. Drop I will tell people that I know and love about

that. We never know what is going to perk as up. Sometimes it can be

very small bins. It can be something that is tiny, just the

right bit of graffiti. -- very small things. Sometimes it can be

Sometimes it can be pensioners just having a laugh. I like seeing

pensioners have fun. I think it must be very difficult being old.

We are raising the pension age to 66 and in a few years it will be 70.

Fuck that. I do not want to be working when I am 70. I want to be

in my pants at my children's house going, I have shit myself, deal

with it. That is right, fix it. You don't want to be in a supermarket

collecting vouchers for school. Liddle is a shop for abused food.

Broken biscuits? I was in a broken biscuit war. Reform time, what does

that mean? I will never commit a crime again! -- reformed ham. This

story cheered me up so much. A lady in February during this no sort a

yeti in the woods in Lincoln. -- the snow saw a yeti. She rang the

police but it was the 67 year-old man who had gone for a stroll in

the words dressed as to the Star Wars character. I love the idea of

a 67 year-old man that sees that it is snowing and once that costume!

So many ludicrously funny stories. We are trying to discover the

language of elephants. We are trying to figure out what elephants

say to each other. Why? They are amazing beasts, leave them alone.

What if they are dull? How disappointing would that be? What

if it just means that they tripped TRUMPETS. The funny thing is that I

have tripped over that tree root before.

Hang on! TRUMPETS. Knowing Me, I will

probably trip over that tree root Have you had a good day, Mr Budgie?

Don't ask. Never go on a gap year. It is like the Royal Wedding. We

all thought it was going to be shipped. We all had a drink. Lovely

bum, innit? Actually what we wanted to see was the stag-do. Wouldn't

you have loved to see Prince William's stag-do? Loads of

ridiculously posh Boy is - come on, let's go on a jaunt. Hey, William,

let's go to a strip club. Imagine poor William in a strip club,

imagine putting money into a girl's pants and staring back at your

nan's face. I'm watching you! I love stag-dos. I think I like them

because I am not really a human man. My friend Spider got married this

year. A miracle in itself, the man is a firm will be east. He once got

caught lifting up the skirt of a mannequin, only to discover it was

a real lady. Easy mistake to make, you think, but we were in Gregg's!

He's so feral. If I give you a drink, you drink the vitamin C

goodness, but he put it straight in his mouth. Ginger dribbling down

his body. It was brilliant. And his stag-do was magnificent and

debauched. He got drunk, I do not mean tipsy, I mean drunk. We found

him in a hotel room, holding on to a loaf of bread, screaming, you

will not turn this into toast. If you find yourself defending Hovis,

you need to stop drinking. It is OK, bread. He is just a brilliant bloke,

just an idiot, you know? There was always one boy at school but was

obsessed with masturbating. That was Spider. They told you about it,

they could never do it normally, they had to do it weird. Put your

hand in a fridge, leave it there for half an hour, then have a go.

What is wrong with you? Is that even legal? The Lima is a very

clever animal. They could never do it normal, they were like a

masturbatory Heston Blumenthal. Girls are not like that, Surman you

have to put up with that kind of wank banter. What you have got to

do, you have got to touch yourself up, you have got to scream your

mum's name, and you have got to come before she gets into the room!

Bloody hell! You live in a bungalow! I know! I do not care!

When I get going, I am like a broken sprinkler, I really am. The

point I am making, princesses, is that you do not have to put up with

that. Boys are bombarded with this kind of wank banter. But now, I

barely leave myself balloon. I feel sorry for my Google sometimes.

Don't even bother typing! Just go to Amazon, just for once! OK, a

couple of paid-up members of Thunderjugs, nice to have you here.

What are you saying? Has someone shagged your brains out? Now, as I

was saying, I was never really in to self touching when I was little,

because I had a terrible incident happened to me. I was 14 years old,

and there was masturbating in front of the television. Don't get

awkward, this is absolutely... I was on my own, I should have said

that. Cracking episode of Only Fools and horses, Mum! Just my mum

- same year, Russell, absolutely smashing. Mother, please! What? I

don't know if you have ever found yourself doing something, and then

realised it just exactly what you've done? I have seen your DVD,

telling everyone I strum off to sit coms! Yes, like a lewd banjo. It is

perfectly normal, I am 14, in front of the TV. There is probably a 14-

year-old boy with his mother here, going, I do not know what he's

talking about, mother. But this is what 14-year-old boys do. The

television was on, my brother and sister were out, my mum and dad

were out, I had heard some Weetabix, I was ready. It was not like I was

going, I had better have a meal in case I fall asleep halfway through.

Right, I am nourished, let's get ready to rumble. I did not say that,

either. Never start a wank with a rally cry - you will absolutely get

caught. Go on, Babe, smash it! He's smashing it. Sir... No! So, I'm in

front of the television. This is why it put me off for life - not

for life, but for two years. I was there, was halfway to the process

when somebody knocked out the window. And there was a man in my

garden, looking at me, smiling. I do not know how you do it, but for

me, it is not a spectator sport. And you cannot run with a boner,

you learn that almost immediately. Slapping against my belly, like I

am a one-man band. I have never been more terrified in my life,

because this bloke winked at me and then disappeared. That is a pervy

fucking was a! Hogwarts, I would like to make a complaint! I was

thinking, this is the end of my life. Have some Weetabix. Remains a

keen, it is going to be fine. My mum came home two hours later, she

was like, are you all right? Yes, everything's normal here, walking

around, as I do, with my feet. How are you? Oh, I am fine. Have you

heard the news? No. There has been no news here, it has been all

normal behaviours, no news. The neighbours have been burgled! Yes,

exactly. This is a genuinely true story. What happened, this bloke

had obviously robbed from the neighbours, and had leapt into our

garden, ready to steal from us, and he had obviously gone, oh, would

you look at that? It is a 14-year- old boy having a wank. I had better

go over there and miss his head up. Hello, I have just robbed your

neighbours! Something tells me, you're not going to remember this

face. You're probably not going to tell the police that I existed. See

you later! Do not applaud, it is terrible. I did not say anything. I

have never said anything. This is it now, this is my confession. My

mum was like, did you see the burglar? I did not see the bird

adjacent but I bet he was the kind of bloke that made up Limes! So, I

wasn't ever really into self touch and because of that incident. But

we were on the stag-do, and everybody went, we have got to go

to a strip club. Ping-pong club, a bit of a laugh, strip club -

utterly depressing. Everybody says they are amazing. They are not,

they are full of poor girls, with no GCSEs. The point I am making, I

was thinking about this the other day - I spend a lot of time with my

girlfriend, with my mates, with my dog or in Tesco. That's pretty much

it. Madam, have you ever been shopping in Tesco whilst you're

pissed? It is amazing, you feel like Charlie Sheen. This happened

the other day, genuinely. I was pissed and it was in Tesco, I was

trying to buy milk, it took me about an hour. I bumped into this

bloke. I said, sorry, mate, I am drunk. And he went, so am I. It was

this lovely meeting. It is too cold! And there's fish everywhere.

In a nightclub! Ridiculous! And there is a voice in the heavens, I

think it is God. But he is obsessed with bargains. And you see the best

parenting, don't you? I saw this kit, he was about six, he went to

his dad, and he said, Dad, what is a wasp? And him went, pretty much a

gay bee. We were all raised by liars. Eat your vegetables, you

will be able to see in the dark. Eat the crust, you will get a hairy

chest. Bollocks. If that were true, ducks would be like floating

scrotums. If you have got a time- travelling faced, why are we still

going to Butlin's? My mum always used to go, never eat yellow snow.

What, as opposed to normal snow?! Those people are savages, Russell.

Look at them eating their pissy slush. We were not allowed to run

with scissors in my house, but my mum was allowed to use them to cut

my hair. How is that fair? Dave, I'm going to cut his hair. Fetch

the ball and the cheers! Nobody is going to go near him! That is

immunity from kiddy fiddlers. I was not worried about paedophiles, it

was 1988, and they did not exist. I lived in the country. The biggest

threat to an eight-year-old boy was the red berries by the side of the

road. Do not eat them, do not eat them! Someone ate them, his hands

aloft, his feet fell off. Mum says he will never play twister again.

Come over here and eat the snow, it is the only way. They warn you

about things you would never do. Russell, never lick your fingers

and go like that near a plug socket. Cheers, Mum. That wall has been

giving me the look for the past week! You would never do these

things. Russell, never put your pencils in your nose and smash your

head on the desk. I had that planned, how did you know?! I love

kids. I am very envious of them. I am not one of these people, but the

children! Always at the computer. We would have done exactly the same,

but our computer games were shit. Do you want to run around in the

woods? I do not think so, I have got to get this from a cross a busy

motorway. If this problems in the water, he will die, despite the

I saw a child the other day that was bored. How can you be? You have

got wheels in your shoes! I would like that now! I saw my cousin

download music the other day. Click, click, got it. Thank you. When I

needed music, I had to wait for fucking hours. Every Sunday evening,

my fingers hovering over playing record. -- play and record. It is

top 40 time. Let's do this shit. I am going to press play and record

because I need to know all of the words too Informer. Don't let me

down, fingers. Record his duck! Dad! -- record is stuck. I have all

of the words to Charles and Eddie but that will not help. Look into

my eyes, can you see they are open wide? Would I lie to you? He would

never lie to you Charles! There are about 20 of you're laughing.

Everybody else is like, what the fuck are you talking about? My

cousin is six and I asked him what he wanted to be when he was all

there and he said the unicorn. I asked why and he said that so that

he could stab people with his head. He has a beautiful bring. He was

looking at dues this on the cross and he said pour beer the man. --

Jesus on the cross and he said that he felt sorry for the beer the man.

He wondered if you like dog food and if you should give him some and

I said not before I get my iPhone! He knows that I am always telling

jokes. I saw him staring at a carton of orange. What are you

doing? It says concentrate! Got you with my joke! You did get me, but

you are not allowed to swear at people after my joke. That is my

style. Violence! Ask me another. I don't want to. Fucking ask me

another. All right, have you got another joke? Why is a pirate

called a pirate? They are. Eat it! I like spending time with children.

I don't want that to sound cheap but I do. It sounds terribly

Michael Jackson, but... An excellent description. How is he?

Terribly Michael Jackson. Talented but an ultimate weakness. I guess I

am just envious of little families. I see them and I cannot wait to

start one. I was round my friend's house and his daughter is amazing.

She is two and we were eating food. She was stealing potatoes from my

plate. But because she is two, she has not developed an inner

monologue yet. She was saying out loud. Just stealing a potato! From

Russell! She thought she had the entire world fault. This idiot has

no idea. Look at him, going about his business, unaware that he is

dealing with the potatoes dealing genius like me! -- potato stealing

genius. It cheered me up and inspired me to write a list of all

the things that cheer you up and you do not know why. I call it my

list of joy and it goes like this. Hearing somebody dug into a

swimming pool that is colder than they thought it was going to be. --

jump in. The noise that of women make when they put food in front of

them.! Watching a pigeon eating a massive slice of pizza. Watching a

got a laugh. They are caught between two worlds. I love Satan

but Darren has slipped over! Sweet- and-sour Pringle's. They are only

annoying when you are watching a serious film at the cinema. They

are so noisy. That means you have got to suck them instead.

Stationery! It does not matter how all to get, if you get a new note

pad, on the first page you have to do the neatest handwriting that you

have got. You have to write in it like you are 12 years old. Five

pages later, just make my pen work, you slag! Watching dogs near a fan

going, why are my ears moving? The baby's face when they are eating a

slice of orange. That is the first time you see the human brain going

what the FA is this? -- what the Can I have another bit, please?

Using the phrase, that is what she said in inappropriate situations.

Watching your grand mal wake herself up by farting. Somebody

saying something vaguely suggestive and reacting like Kenneth Williams.

My back door is broken. Matron! Being on the quiet carriage of a

train and receiving a text message that makes to explode with laughter.

My brother, going on Dragons' Den with minute floor cleaning

invention, the carpet luncher. -- munching machine. Your girlfriend's

face when you suggest something for the kitchen. We should get a Blue

Kettle and purple forks. No! There is a dream kitchen in my mind and

you must not ruin it! The fact that no matter how all to get, if

someone hands you a tennis racket, it is a guitar. -- how all did you

get. Watching a woman apply make-up on a shaky train. Come on, you can

do it! Bollocks! I am going to be late again, I look like a clown.

Meeting one of your heroes and in delivering. I met John Cleese in a

gymnasium in Montreal. There was a guy nearby who kept lifting weights

and saying his own name. Nobody said anything because there was a

very famous person in the room and then after five minutes, John

Cleese said, do shut the FA Cup. -- the fuck up. Looking at your

girlfriend when she is wearing your underwear. Oh, yes! It does not

work the other way, apparently that is weird and creepy. Have you seen

my song? No idea, baby. -- have you Where can your knickers be? God

knows! Correct. That is the best �14 I have ever spent in my life.

Size 18, it turns out I am quite a big girl. I got to junk in my trunk.

Cotton buds, another nice thing. I don't think any man has ever bought

cotton buds, but you cannot do not see them as a man and not put them

in your ear. You are adopted, nice, but my head is squidgy. I will

prove it. Even in the most intimate situations, you will lead to them.

I was receiving a blow job, 16, and I have never felt so alive and

lucky. She was beautiful and I felt like a flute. Obviously, I did not

say that! You are the loveliest Pied Piper that I have ever seen!

It was beautiful, really nice. But out of the corner of my eye, I saw

some cotton buds. Oh, no. I knew what was going to happen. I could

feel my evil hand. You know what I must do, muster. Yes. And while

receiving a blow job, I know it is disgusting, I picked it up, I

pushed it and I twiddled and I have never felt more essentially a live.

-- alive. She was less happy, I grant you that! She looked like a

Understandable, understandable rage. But I think the number one thing

that cheers you up in life is hanging around with interesting

people. God knows there are some doll -- boring barking people. My

friend is a bore of energy. She has a new boyfriend and I asked how who

was and she said bit of a weirdo but what can you do? Not go home

with him? Why is he crazy? Then she said the sentence that only she can

say. Sexually he is a Harry Potter fan. What do you mean sexually?

Agreed? -- Harry Potter? Apparently at the point of orgasm, this man

goes, expel a Armas. I asked what she did. And she'd just said, five