Wedding Daze

This film contains very strong language

# I love being in love

# I don't care what it does to me

# Sing

# I love love

# I love being in love

# I don't care what it does to me

# And

# I love love

# I love being in love

# I don't care what it does to me

# These pills are fine to pass the time

# Till I find my new drug

# We'll take our chances on

# We'll last a month

# We'll never speak again

# How I love being in love #

-May I help you?

-Huh?

No. Uh-uh. Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm just browsing.

So, let me guess. Big night tonight?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Yeah, actually. Actually, the biggest.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Menage a trois?

-Pardon me?

I'm kidding.

Oh! Menage a trois! (LAUGHS)

French for, er, "Who's that dude?" (BOTH LAUGH)

So, you're looking for something for your girl?

Not just any girl.

The most beautiful and incredible

-and amazing and, well, girl I've ever met.

-Aw!

OK, well, if you have any questions, my name is Claire.

OK. Actually, yeah. Does this come in red?

I can check.

Oh, also, Claire,

does it come any larger?

Much, much larger.

(DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC)

Oh, no.

-Hey. Is she in there?

-Yeah, she's in there.

-Good. How do I look?

-I see your balls.

-Hmm?

Are you crazy? Come here. Up here.

-What's the matter with you?

-What?

-This is the big idea?

-Yeah!

-She's gonna love it.

-She's gonna hate it.

-She's gonna love it.

-She's gonna hate it.

-Love it.

-She's gonna hate it more than I hate it.

You know what your problem is, Ted? You don't understand true love.

-Oh, and you do?

-There's a girl that I love waiting for me in there.

And she loves me, too.

I still see balls.

(SLOW LOUNGE MUSIC)

Buona sera.

Can I get you a drink while you wait for your friend?

Hopefully, in a man's life, you do this one time.

Well, I want my one time to be unforgettable.

I want tonight to be a story Vanessa and me will be telling our grandkids.

You almost done with that baby oil?

Yeah, that's it.

Get it in there. Soak those abs.

-I'm gonna kill you.

-Thanks, buddy.

What's up, ladies?

There you go, beautiful. I brought you C-rations, on the house.

-Some what?

-Oh, sorry, that's, er,

Special Forces talk.

Were you in the Special Forces?

That's not something I'm at liberty to discuss.

(GASPS)

Anderson, I sell cars. My job is to close a deal.

This is not gonna close the deal!

-Gimme the ring, Ted.

-No. I can't let you do this.

-Give me the ring!

-No.

-Give me the ring now!

-No.

Give me the ring!

-Give me the ring!

-No!

-I want the ring! I have to propose!

OK, watch the wings! Watch the rings!

I'm not gonna lie to you, Vanessa.

Special Ops -

it's a deadly game.

But as a very brave person once remarked,

"Life is either daring

or it's nothing."

Do you know who that brave person was?

My personal hero - Helen Keller.

Helen...

Kell...

..er.

Excuse me, Vanessa, I think table 16 needs more garlic nuts.

(CLEARS THROAT) Ladies and gentlemen,

may I have your attention, please?

I am Cupid, god of love.

Dear God!

Shooter! Shooter!

We got a shooter!

Down!

Everybody, down! Down! Down!

Anderson!

-You know this perp?

-My boyfriend.

-I didn't know you had a boyfriend.

Anderson, get up. Get up!

You could've gotten yourself killed!

(PANTING) Vanessa,

I, em,

I-I wrote you a poem.

(DINERS MUTTER) Oh! Ew!

Ahem. "I-I am Cupid,

God of love,

I come from skies far above,

bringing love to all I see,

Now I have found some love for me...

Fag.

And...

And so I get

On bended knee

To ask,

Vanessa, will you marry me?

(DINERS APPLAUD)

(CROAKS)

Agh!

Vanessa?

Oh, my God. Has she fainted? >

Nessie?

# "It Must Be You" - The Sun

# I stopped to think about the bad times that I've had

# With the smile on my face

# Warm with the birth of the sad

# Curled up

# With nothing to do

# Why's the sun always out

# When I'm feeling blue?

# It must be you

# Oh, it must be you

# It must be you

# Oh, it must be you

# Ooh

# When I took my first drink of

# Alcohol

# I saw the angel of death

# Floating over us all

# And with a smile on my face

# I just wept

# How does a grown man laugh in the face of death

# It must be you

# Oh, it must be you

# Oh! #

(SONG)

(SQUELCHING)

Oh.

Hey! You hungry?

Did I ever tell you what she smelled like?

-What?

-Dew drops.

-She was perfect.

-Nobody's perfect.

-She was perfect.

-Nobody's perfect.

Like, you know how most people have wrinkly knees? OK?

Hers were perfectly smooth. Like billiard balls.

-Know what I used to call her?

-What?

-Billiard ball knees.

You know what might be fun?

Not talking about your dead girlfriend. Huh?

-I still see her sometimes.

-Here?

-Forget it.

-I'd like to, but you won't shut up about it.

She's been dead twice as long as you knew her. Get over it.

-I'm sorry, get over it?!

-Yeah.

How do you get over perfection?

You look around. Maybe there's another perfect somebody out there.

Here we go!

Oh!

-Don't talk to him like that!

-(MAN MUTTERS)

This is just what the therapist was talking about!

(COUPLE ARGUE)

I am so sorry! What did you just do?

What did you do?

Satisfied? I looked around.

Don't throw your whole life away cos you killed your girlfriend.

-Fiancee.

-Technically, she never said yes.

I don't know if you'll find anyone whose butt smells like gum drops,

but I know that you won't unless you try.

-Is that it? You want me to try?

-One time. That's all I'm saying.

-One time - you get off my back.

-You have my solemn word.

Fine. Fine, Ted. I'll try.

I'll try.

Hey, can I get you guys anything else?

(TED SINGS INAUDIBLY)

# Back on the horse #

Is there anything else I can get for you?

Will you marry me?

Excuse me?

Will you marry me?

< ..Stuart, you're flapping! Pigs? Three Little Pigs? A banjo? Piggies?

-(OINKS)

-Deliverance!

-(BOTH LAUGH)

-Oh, my God! I'm like a machine!

-Oh, my God!

-You guys are so fast!

-OK,

it's my turn and, er, this is a really good one,

so I need you all to pay attention. Especially you, mon amour.

Give me ze little hand.

-Isn't he the cutest thing ever.

-Hey, I resent that!

-(ALL LAUGH)

-Isn't it getting kinda late, you guys?

What's the matter, Cinderella? Are you gonna turn into a pumpkin?

I know how to push her buttons or what?

(MIMICS BUTTON PRESSING)

(ROBOT VOICE) I'm pushing your buttons.

(ROBOT VOICE) Honey, do the charade. I have to get up early tomorrow.

Aye-aye, Captain. OK.

Oh, wait. Rrr!

-Oh!

-Here we go. Last one.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

-(PARENTS) Four words.

-First word.

-Me.

-Shazam?

-William! William!

-Shorter. Willy? Will!

-Will!

-Will, OK.

(BOTH) Second word. Sounds like...

-Kicking?

-Boot. Shoe.

You.

(BOTH) Fourth word.

-Er... Me. It's me again.

-Me? Will you blank me.

-Hey, buddy, there's ladies present!

-That's tasteless, Stuart.

-Sorry.

Will you blank me? Third word.

Saunter.

-Marry?

-Stuart, he's proposing.

Katie,

will you marry me?

-Yes! Yes! She says yes!

-(LAUGHS)

-Honey?

-Katie!

Katie!

Katie!

Katherine, do you have any idea how embarrassing that was for me?

I didn't say no. I just said I needed to think about it.

That boy is a catch and he's crazy about you, God knows why.

What is it you want? Because William is perfect.

He's the most attractive orthodontist I've ever seen

-he's incredibly romantic -

-Mom, I know he's perfect,

-I just need a little time.

-Can you talk to her, Stuart?

William reminds me a lot of me when I was younger.

Are you listening to your father?

He is not my father.

He's more of a father to you than your father ever was, God rest him.

-Dad is not dead!

-He's dead to me, the sonofabitch!

-Don't talk about Dad -

-Don't raise your voice!

-You're getting emotional.

-I'm not getting emotional!

Alright, I am leaving this house in five minutes,

and if you wanna be on that bus, I suggest you pull yourself together.

-Sometimes I wonder if you still love him.

-Who?

-Dad.

-Are you crazy? Are you out of your mind?

-You must've loved him once.

-I was 18 when I met your father,

and about as dumb as a piece of ham.

What did I know about love? All I knew is...

..he was the hottest thing that I had ever seen.

Oh, he looked like a...

..panther.

A sex panther.

(LAUGHS)

-Sounds like love to me.

-There's a big difference between love

and mindless, animalistic, carnal lust.

And what do you have with Stuart?

What I have with Stuart is what I want for you and William,

-a mature, stable relationship.

-But are you happy?

Of course I'm happy! I'm very happy!

Very, very happy.

No, no, very happy.

Very happy.

-I gotta go. The bus is here.

-Alright.

Very happy!

There she is! There's my beautiful girl!

Hey, keep it down!

I will eat your head, I will tear it off, shove it up your ass,

pull it through your mouth and then eat it!

-I will it eat it!

-Smitty!

-I'm not finished!

Eat it!

-Dad!

-What?

-Apologize to him.

-Oh, come on!

-I'm serious! It's just rude.

-(SIGHS)

-Now.

Do it now, Dad!

Hey, Dave.

I'm sorry.

It's just, Smitty, I'm working on my appeal over here.

I know. I know. I'm sorry.

See? That's why I love you so much, baby bear.

You got your mother's good heart.

-What's wrong?

-Nothing! William asked me to marry him.

-But that's good. That's what you wanted. No?

-Yeah!

No.

Oh, Dad, I don't know.

I just... (SIGHS)

I mean, how are you supposed to know when you're with the right person?

Just listen to your heart, baby bear.

You'll know.

Hey, do you know what I do when I'm feeling blue?

Yeah. You drink homemade toilet wine.

No! Well, yeah.

But I also write my gratitude journal,

and every day, I write about things that I have to be grateful for.

Like, you and your mother.

Oh, here, December 25th. Christmas Day.

"I am grateful that somebody finally stabbed that cocksucker Rodriguez."

Dad!

I'm gonna say yes! Yes!

I mean, we get along so well!

He's so funny! He cracks me up, you guys!

-I'm gonna say yes!

-That's great. Right, Matador?

-I think William's kind of a turd.

-Really?

Yeah.

But he's like a turd with a piece of candy...

..in it.

Nazdrovia.

Marriage isn't in our blood. We're circus folk.

Gypsies roaming from Big Top to Big Top, on the open road.

You guys have been working in the diner since I've known you.

Not in here, Katie. Not in here.

Gentlemen,...

observe.

(SCREAMS)

Er, can I get you guys anything else?

Will you marry me?

-Excuse me?

-Will you marry me?

Seriously. Think about it...

What could possibly be more romantic than throwing away your entire life

and running off with a handsome stranger

you spot across a restaurant?

Er, I'm sorry.

He's had a lot of syrup.

-OK.

-OK, he's had a lot of syrup?

OK, I'll marry you.

-What?

-Yes.

Yes!

I'll marry you!

Jade!

JADE!

Will you cover for me?

Where are you going?

-(SQUEALS) I'm getting married! To this guy!

-(APPLAUSE)

-Come on.

-Er...

-Come on!

-Go. Get out of here.

Oh, er, Anderson.

-Oh, Katie.

-Katie. Hi.

Two kisses! (GIGGLES)

Big rig. Watch this.

Stick that arm up your ass!

# Gotta a brand-new roof above my

# Head

# All the empty boxes thrown away #

-Can I ask you a question?

-Yeah.

Years from now, when we're celebrating our...

-..37th wedding anniversary...

-Oh! (LAUGHS)

..and one of our friends asks us about our first date,

is this what we'll talk about?

I guess it is, yeah? OK.

And then I'll tell them the funny part.

-What's the funny part?

-That after we talked about it,

you stepped in dog shit.

Oh, I stepped in dog shit!

-Why didn't you warn me?

-That would've ruined the story.

-Oh, man! Could I borrow...?

-(squeals) Oh, stop! Cut it out!

-I've never been up here before.

-It's a cool place to come

if you want to get an old refrigerator filled with vomit.

-I was looking for one of those.

-Yeah?

I think it's two-for-one day, so...

Look what I've got!

Tetanus?

-(SIGHS) This is stupid.

-What?

This. Us sitting here pretending we're doing something.

-It's just stupid.

-It is, right?

-Obviously we're not getting married.

-Obviously.

-Strangers don't get married.

-In some cultures they do.

They do?

But not ours. Other cultures. Far away cultures.

The Kalahari Bushmen is one example.

-And my parents did.

-They did?

My mum barely knew my dad. She got pregnant with me

and they eloped to this weird place called The House of Wedded Bliss.

-The House of Wedded Bliss?

-Yeah!

Doesn't that sound incredibly romantic?

Sounds like a bad Chinese take-out place.

Well, just because they did, doesn't mean that we are, right?

You probably weren't even serious when you asked.

Were you?

Of course not!

See, that's what I'm talking about. This whole thing is just stupid.

-Wait. What's happening?

-I'm sorry.

-I'm just such an idiot.

-Are you crying?

-No.

-Why are you crying?

I am not crying!

(SOBS)

It really looks like you're crying.

Yeah, I'm crying now. Are you satisfied, you asshole?

-(SOBS)

-Hey. Hey, hey... Hey.

Hey. Hey, you.

Hey.

Hey! Hey...

Are you OK?

I can't remember the last time I did that.

I don't think I've ever done that.

-Do you want a tissue?

-No, I'm fine.

-I feel incredible.

-Really?

-(LAUGHS) Why is that?

-I...

-You sure you don't want a tissue?

-No, I'm fine.

Anderson, when you asked me to marry you,

you probably picked the only girl in the whole world that would say yes.

I don't think that's a coincidence. Do you?

I don't know.

-Do you believe in fate?

-No.

Neither do I! You see, this was meant to be.

Will you marry me?

-You said yes?

-Yeah. Why not?

I think this is exactly what I need to get my life back on track.

-Why can't two strangers get married?

-Because it's retarded?

You said yourself that I need to get out back there and meet people, so -

Yeah, MEET, not marry! Why can't you date her for a while?

Don't worry. It's not like we're getting married today.

-We decided to take things slow.

-So what's next?

She's moving in with me. I gotta go.

OK. Well, good luck with that(!)

# "Woman's Realm" - Belle and Sebastian

# I don't care whether you hear this I don't care if I'm alone here

# Singing songs to myself There's nobody else around, around

# Meet you up at the Indian part of the town

# The town's shut down, the people left with their bags

# And their kids so there's not a sound, a sound

# But I must get from there to here

# There's a small voice crying on the other side

# Of the river from here

# It's too late to phone her now... #

William, I have some weird news. It's good news. For me. Er...

I can't marry you. I'll explain everything later. I'm so sorry.

I love you. As a friend. OK, bye.

# Just a minute close your eyes

# If we settle for this compromise I'll stay with you

# The river looks so good tonight... #

Can I leave a message for 99138?

# I don't know what's with your friend... #

Phone message, Smitty.

# She said she'd had enough of playing games... #

-It's from my daughter. She's getting married.

-Oh, yeah?

Too bad you won't be there to walk her down the aisle, big guy.

-Whoa! What is this?

-I'm getting married!

No. This.

-It's a diaphragm.

-I know! Not in front of...

-Please...

-It's her diaphragm.

-Stuart!

-Dang it.

-Where are you going?

-I told you, I'm getting married.

(GASPS / SHRIEKS) Oh, you said yes!

-Not to William.

-Not to William?

His name's Anderson. I met him a couple of hours ago.

A couple of hours?!

What about William? What kind of name is Anderson?

-Use your head, Katie.

-He's black, isn't he?

I have to go.

-Don't you think you're being impulsive?

-Yes!

That is exactly what I'm being. And guess what - it feels great!

-You ready?

-Oh, my God.

Hi.

Hi there, dude. You must be Anderson.

No! This is my friend, Matador. He's giving me a ride.

I like your Jew hat.

Bye, Mom. I'll bring him by for you to meet him tomorrow!

(CAR ENGINE SPLUTTERS)

(COUGHS) Can you see?

Yeah, no problem. This happens all the time.

-How can you see?

-Be patient. It'll clear up in a second.

OK, slow down.

-(SQUEALS)

-What?

-Slow down!

-(SCREAMS)

-Oh, my!

Oh, my! Oh, my!

-Oh...

-I killed that fellow!

I killed that fellow with my car!

-Oh, my God, not again.

-Anderson?

Vanessa?

Anderson?

Vanessa?

Am I dead?

You're just unconscious.

-Does it hurt?

-Not really.

-Ouch!

-Now does it hurt?

-Ow!

-You're getting married?

No! We're not getting married! We're just moving in together.

-I thought you loved me.

-I do, Vanessa. I do.

I'll never love anybody but you.

-Really?

-Yeah. Of course.

Then dump her.

(WHISPERS) Promise me, Anderson.

I promise.

Touch my light sabre, Luke.

Touch it!

-What is that?

-It's just ice.

OK.

Hello.

Katie, would you like to make the introductions?

Oh...

I hit you with my car.

This is Matador.

-Matador...

-Here.

I got you a small gift.

I didn't have time to wrap it.

It's a Discman.

This is my Discman.

Did you take this from my drawer?

Yes, I did.

OK. Er...

Matador, could you do me a giant favour?

Yeah.

Is there some way that you could not press your balls into my shin?

-Can do.

-Thank you.

-Yeah.

-Thanks.

Are you OK? Well, I thought he was abrupt.

But, er, I'll be fine.

Yeah, I think I'll be OK.

(WHISPERS) Matador...

Oh! I'm sorry.

-Very good.

-OK.

Take care, now.

I will.

He seems nice.

-Does it hurt?

-No, it's fine.

You're so brave.

-Listen, Katie...

-Where is your bedroom?

-The bedroom?

-Yeah. I need to put this somewhere.

-What's this?

-My clothes!

-Your clothes?

-Yeah, for wearing.

Oh! Clothes. I thought you said "cloves". Cloves.

I was like, "Cloves, that's a weird thing to pack."

OK, yeah. You found the bedroom.

So this is the bedroom. I should probably clean up a little.

Good, good.

So I was thinking about everything and how great this is,

but it's all happening so fast. I was afraid maybe you thought that.

-That's what makes it so exciting.

-Exactly what I was going to say.

-Because I couldn't be more thrilled.

-You seem nervous.

Really? N-No. That's weird. I don't get nervous.

I just express joy by sweating on occasion.

-Who's Vanessa?

-Who?

-You said Vanessa before passing out.

-I did?

-Oh!

Is this her?

No, that's not her. I don't know who that is.

That picture came with the frame.

But you're in the picture.

Mm-hm. Yeah, there I am right there. I know.

I used to do some modelling when I was younger.

-Really?

-Yes, I did.

I did some picture frame modelling

back when that Regular Guy phase was sweeping the modelling industry.

-That is so cool.

-Yeah.

(PHONE RINGS)

-The telephone's ringing.

-Mm-hm.

-Should I get it?

-No. It's my mom. I'll call her back.

-Should I say hi?

-That's OK. No.

No, really. It's weird. I should say hi.

No, that's alright. I've got it! Hello?

Er, Mom? Hi. Hi!

Same old, same old. How are you guys?

If she wants to talk to me, I'm here.

Yeah, listen... No, everything is, er...

Everything is good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Love you. See you tomorrow, then.

Bye-bye.

-How's Anderson?

-Fine. He says he has a surprise for us.

He's coming over tomorrow.

What's he doing tomorrow?

Coming.

-He's what?

-# "Ice Cream" - New Young Pony Club

Coming.

# I can give you what you want

-I'm scared... I'm scared.

-# I can make your heartbeats short

Give me that, little girl.

I'm just a little girl. I'm a little girl.

(SQUIRTS WHIPPED CREAM)

-Anderson?

-Just a minute. Just a minute.

# I can be the sauce you crave

# I can spell what you can't say

# Chocolate-flavoured love theme treat that treats you so mean

# Covering your nights and days

# Let me give you what you'd like

# I can make your mouth run dry

# Drink me like a liquor C'mon and dip your dipper

# Show me what you're here for, guy... #

-Anderson? Anderson?

-Coming.

(SIGHS) OK.

Listen, Katie, I think you're really neat. I do.

But... (SIGHS) But I just can't, I can't,

because I made a promise to somebody, and...

"I think you're really neat"?

God...

# What you want

# I can give you what you want

# What you want

# I can give you what you want What you want... #

Oh, God! I'm sorry.

No, it's OK. Turn around.

-So, what did your mom say?

-Oh, yeah. Well, she, um...

I was thinking that we could go over there and meet them before we...

Get married?

If you wanna put a label on it. (BOTH LAUGH)

Great, because I told my mom we'd visit her tomorrow, too.

Great! That's great. Mm-hm.

I was thinking we could take a bus over to my folks' house.

-I like buses.

-That's good. Because it's a bus.

Mmm... Minty.

Well, that's toothpaste for ya. That's just classic toothpaste.

-(SQUEALS) Oh!

-Oh, God!

-It's in my eye! It hurts!

-Sorry. I swallowed some.

-It's burning.

-Go to the bathroom, right there.

-Where?

-Yeah, this way. You've got it.

Maybe I should go out and get some saline solution.

No. I'm fine.

But maybe I should go get some saline or eye drops or something.

No, really.

I'll get some saline.

OK, OK. OK.

-OK, slow down. What's the problem?

-I think she wants to have sex.

I'm gonna call 911.

I'm so embarrassed. I feel like such an idiot.

-Maybe you just came on a little strong.

-"Oh, God."

A couple of hours ago, she was moving in.

All your problems were solved. What happened?

-Nothing. She's great. It's just...

-What?

-What would Vanessa say?

-Oh, buddy(!)

I was just trying to be spontaneous. He probably thinks I'm such a freak.

Trust me. You're not a freak.

(MUMBLES) Help.

I've gotta go. He's here.

-Hi.

-Hi.

They were out of saline, so I got you some Q-tips

and some zit cream.

You can do with that what you please.

-How's your head?

-Ouch.

-Sorry.

-No, it's OK.

My eye is fine.

Right. How's your eye? (BOTH LAUGH)

-It's fine.

-Good.

Wow! (LAUGHS)

-Wowee.

-Wowee dowee doo.

Doowee wowee boobee!

Well, I think we better get to bed. I think it's time for...

Not... I mean, not that kind of bed.

I mean, like, sleepy time, sleepy bed.

Because, you know, your eye, my head...

If we have any more physical contact, I think one of us might actually die.

-(LAUGHS)

-So...

# "Closer" - Peter Salett

(SNORES)

# So the weekend came and went...

-Oh, sorry.

-That's alright. Go back to sleep.

# Sunday afternoon's a memory

# She was just lying there

# Sleeping softly in a chair... #

(CAR ALARM BEEPS)

Are you almost ready? I told Mom we'd be there in half an hour.

She's gonna love you!

Fourth word!

Er... You're holding hands, you're holding hands...

You're with friends, you're skip... "The Wizard of Oz!"

Diving? "The Greg Louganis Story"?

"Flashdance"? Ta-dah!

"Airplane"!

Him? Her? "When A Man Loves A Woman"!

"Sound of Music"!

"Philadelphia"! "Deep Throat"!

"Deep Throat"!

Oh, sorry.

You know what, dear? We give up. Why don't you just tell us.

-That was "The Apple Dumpling Gang".

-Oh.

I-It's not an easy one, so...

-It was really good.

-Thanks. I'm sorry.

-Thanks.

-You were so good.

-It was hard.

-I thought it made sense.

-It was good.

-It was a tough one.

-Yeah.

And then a few years ago, I was in a toy store,

and I had a thought. "What if there was a line of stuffed animals

specifically for Jewish children?"

And that's when the Jewnicorn was born.

Listen...

"Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam asher kidishanu

b'mitz'votav v'tzivanu l'had'lik neir shel Chanukah."

Well, Anderson, what do you think?

Wow.

Wow. Um...

I think it's very...

..specific.

In a good way, of course.

-So, Anderson, what is it you do?

-Anderson's between jobs right now.

-Oh, he's between jobs. I see.

-Huh.

Maybe you'd like to go down to the basement

and see where Stuart makes all his little toys.

Mom... No. Why?

He'd be interested. Especially if you like googly eyes.

As a matter of fact, I do like googly eyes.

That does it. Follow me, young man.

-Santa's not the only one with a workshop.

-Wow!

What do you think?

I... I...

-What is this?

-Jewlahoop.

Doesn't really work. Kinda like you, right, Anderson?

(GASPS) William.

I thought you two should speak.

I've been here this whole time. Been watching you with him.

What do you see in that loser?

He doesn't even know how to do The Apple Dumpling Gang.

Apple. Dump. Ling. Gang.

That's the motherfucking Apple Dumpling Gang!

William, you are really good at charades

and nobody can ever take that away from you.

I had a whole life planned for us.

A big house, three kids, two boys and a girl...

I know. Conner, Tanner and Ashley.

I'm sorry.

(WHISPERS) I'm not gay.

What?

What?

-I think you should go.

-Yeah. OK. I'll go.

But, er, this ball isn't over, Cinderella.

Because... Oh... Oh!

I'm still dancing.

Oh! Do you hear me? I'm still dancing!

Check it - I'm still dancing.

I'm still dancing. Yeah!

-Did you hear that?

-Uh-uh.

(SCRAPES CUTLERY ON BOWL)

Got it.

(SLURPS)

We should get going cos we're gonna see Anderson's parents.

-I'll grab our jackets.

-OK.

Well, er... This has been fun, so thank you.

I think they really liked you. I could tell.

Especially my mom. My mom loved you.

-Really?

-Yeah. Definitely.

I got the impression she thought I was a loser.

Why would you say that?

When you were in the bathroom, your mum said she thought I was a loser.

I thought you were great.

-Really?

-Yeah, really.

I think you're pretty great, too.

Sorry.

Er... Do you want to sit down?

OK. Thanks.

-Thank you.

-Sure thing.

May I?

Ahh.

Wow.

Anderson, you have to feel this.

Er... OK.

Wow, I think I felt a kick. Do you mind if I take a listen?

Wow.

-When are you due?

-I'm not pregnant.

This is my stop. Getting off, getting off. Getting off!

Excuse me, sorry. Excuse me.

-I feel terrible.

-That is your fault.

# "Brand New Day" - Orba Squara

# I'd love to roam along with you until I'm grey

# And listen to amazing super-dooper things you say

# I'd travel round the universe to make you understand

# That we've got to take this opportunity, and take it fast

# There's no time to waste, cos it's a brand new day... #

-Oh, Anderson!

-Hey there, Skipper!

Who's the good-looking potato?

Mum, Dad, I want you to meet Katie, my...

-Fiancee.

-My fiancee.

Fiancee?

Well...

-Well!

-Congratulations!

-Hot dog, I say! Oh, boy!

-(DOG BARKS)

I think Monitor approves, too.

(ALL LAUGH)

The dog!

< (KATIE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

Should we go inside?

(TV PLAYS)

I've got to hand it to you, Skipper. She's a peach.

I guess you think I'm being foolish.

Why should I think that?

Because I just met Katie, and we hardly know each other.

You've got your whole lives to get to know each other.

-What if I don't like what I get to know?

-That's just nerves talking.

Just before I got married, your grandpa and I walked our dog,

had a little conversation about the birds and the bees.

When he told me what he told me, I just about fell down.

I think I pretty much know everything about that stuff, Dad.

Of course you do. You're a grown man.

About time I started treating you like one.

So I guess I don't have to tell you what this is for.

I've had this cock ring since my Navy days.

I got it from a three-dollar whore in Shanghai.

Wow, that's, er... that's a really nice...

That's a nice ring.

-Cock ring, son.

-Cock ring.

Yeah. I don't know what it is.

Ever since I left the Service I've been having trouble with

firing my torpedoes too soon.

-If you take my meaning.

-I think I do, Dad.

Premature ejaculation.

OK. < (DOG BARKS)

Son...

I want you to have it.

I want you to have my cock ring.

I don't know what to say.

Omm...

Omm, nyin nyin, nan yayy...

Knock, knock.

Sorry, Smitty. I just wanted to borrow your Dirt Devil.

'(DRAMATIC TRIBAL MUSIC)'

(CRASH)

Dinner was terrific, Mrs Wells.

Oh, no, I won't have any of that. We're family now.

I'd like you to call me...

..Mommy.

OK.

I suppose Anderson told you all about Vanessa.

Oh, no, yeah.

I mean, he did...

..Mommy.

He really loved her. I suppose we all did.

I thought of that girl as one of my own.

Why did they break up?

Break up?

Oh, heavens,

they didn't break up.

She died. Poor little thing.

Her heart just gave out the night he proposed.

Oh, my God!

Some folks blame Anderson, the way he surprised her and all.

I know I do.

When she went, it just about tore this family apart.

Some nights I thought about sticking Daddy's revolver in my mouth

and pulling the trigger, just so I could be with her in heaven.

Mrs Wells, I'm not trying to take Vanessa's -

Don't you say her name.

I will cut you.

We're home, Mother! Where are you girls hiding? >

We're just having a little girl talk, Daddy.

How was your walk, sweetheart?

-Very nice.

-Hi, honey.

I don't know what you said to my mom, but whatever it was, it worked.

She loved you.

And believe me, my mom's not always as sweet as she looks.

-Really?

-Really. I know it's hard to believe.

Don't you have anything you want to tell me?

Yeah.

Yeah, there is.

You look really nice tonight.

You're a real jerk.

Are we about to have our first fight?

If we are, can we finish it before we get to your friend's house?

Or it could wait.

I just don't understand.

Why didn't you tell me about Vanessa when I asked?

-Who's Vanessa?

-She was my girlfriend.

-His fiancee.

-Technically, she never said yes.

She died.

-Did you kill her?

-No.

That's not what your mother says.

Look, I was gonna tell you, OK? But...

But what? You're still in love with her?

You're in love with a dead girl! You freak!

Freak? I'm the freak? I'm the freak?

What kind of person accepts a proposal from a stranger? Freak!

What kind of a person asks? Freak!

-Stop calling me freak!

-Stop being one, you freak!

OK! I don't care what you think about me. Just leave her out of it.

Her? You can't even say her name!

It's Vanessa, you asshole!

And she's dead! Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead!

Wow. That was harsh, harsh, harsh, harsh, harsh.

# "The Fire Thief" - Hem

# Wouldn't be the first time love made a fool of me

# Wouldn't even care but now you're here to see

# It comes as no surprise

# Just leave the light on

# What I wouldn't give if you could have it all

# The sun that's going down the bed that breaks the fall

# The cradle and the bow

# So you can take

# Comfort now

# You can take

# Comfort now... #

-Hey.

-Hey.

We, er, split up to look for you.

You know, when I was a kid, I didn't have many friends.

-You're kidding(?)

-Nope. It's the truth.

I don't know why.

Perhaps because I was into different things.

Acrobats, strongmen, make-up, that sort of thing.

Right. That sort of thing.

But I didn't let it bother me. Because I knew what I loved.

The circus?

You know, the circus is a lot like love.

How so?

Well, if it's a good one, if it's a really good one,

it's beautiful and terrifying...

..and magical, all at the same time.

Huh!

You wouldn't give up on the circus just because, once in a while,

a girl falls off the high wire, snaps her neck.

Oh. Dead girls.

Sensitive subject. I'm sorry.

Morning!

"Prison escape..." Honey!

Ah!

(MUSIC ON CAR RADIO)

No, thanks.

-I thought you could open it for me.

-Oh.

Stuart?

Stuart?

-Oy!

-Hi, Little Bear.

What the hell are you doing here? Stuart, are you OK?

-Ducky.

-Smitty, what did you do?

You think I would miss walking my little girl down that aisle?

-Where is she?

-Ran off with her loser boyfriend.

Hey, you shut up, alright, pal? Did she say where she was going?

(STRUGGLES TO SPEAK)

I don't know!

No! Get away from me!

Oh, my God!

(SOBS) Oh!

Hey.

Mmm!

-(GASPS)

-Hey!

-Hey!

-This is all your fault! You chased her away!

-Lois, you're getting emo -

-Emotional?

You're right, I'm getting goddamned emotional.

What are you gonna do about it, you tiny man?

-Easy, Little Bear.

-You spineless little noodle!

Easy. Easy. Come on. Let's go find our baby.

Alright. Let me go get dressed.

Big Bear...

-Let me help, Little Bear.

-(GASPS)

(BOTH CHATTER / GIGGLE)

"Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekhh..."

Hey! What's that?

Nothing.

...vitsivanuulechadlich ner shel Channukah."

-Dosvedanya.

-Take care, Matador.

-Hey.

-You never gave me a key.

Right.

I just need to pack up my shit and you'll never see me again.

Can I get a taxi, please? What is the address?

-6 New Lane.

-6 New Lane.

Apartment... don't go.

Apartment...

-What?

-(MUMBLES) I like you and I don't want you to go.

Hold on.

-What did you say?

-I like you and I don't want you to go.

You don't like me.

-Don't tell me who I like. Screw you!

-Screw you!

-Screw you!

-No, screw you!

God, you're impossible!

You are pig-headed, you are stubborn.

You don't even warn a guy when he's about to step in dog shit!

Since we met, I've been a wreck! And screw you, I like you!

Well, you're a liar.

And you have horrible morning breath.

And you could never have made it as a picture frame model.

It is so cut-throat and so competitive!

And ever since I met you, I've been feeling completely crazy.

-And I like you, too!

-OK.

OK.

OK.

OK, so we like each other.

Now what?

-Let's go.

-Really? Where?

-Trust me.

Where are we going?

-Please?

-No.

-Please?

-NO!

-Doesn't one of them have a car?

-Not one that will make it.

Hup!

(ALL CHEER)

I'm not doing this. I'm gonna lose my job.

-You hate your job.

-Yeah, but that and my thumbs

are the only thing separating me from the animals.

Besides, I could get arrested. I am not doing this.

I'm not gonna feel bad about it and you can't change my mind.

-(Nervously)

-Hey. Taking a test drive, Hal.

May I drive?

No.

OK.

# "Love Is A Game For Two To Play" - Francis MacDonald

# Don't go wishing your life away Come on, now

# The race ain't run

# Love is a game

# Games can be fun

# Love is a game for two to win

# Walking around with a great big grin

# Come on, now

# Take a run at the sun... #

We're taking the car, honey!

(GIGGLES) Whoa!

Where might she go to get married?

There's only one place she would go.

# Come on, now

# The deal ain't done

# Love is a game

# Games can be fun

# And pretty soon you'll find yourself

# Hopping, skipping and jumping

# Turning somersaults

# With that heart a-thump, thump, thumping

# Love is a game for two to play

# Don't go wishing your life away

-# Come on, now

-# Love, love, love is a game

-# The song ain't sung

-# Love, love, the name of the game

-# Love is a game

-# Ooh...

# Games can be fun

-# Love is a game

-# Ooh...

# Games should be fun

# Love is a game

# Games can be fun #

-Hey. What do you think?

-Nice. (LAUGHS)

So what's their deal? Are they a "thing"? Weirdo and weirdette?

No. They're just roomies.

What about you and Anderson?

-Oh, yeah. We make out once in a while.

-(BOTH LAUGH)

We've been friends since 7th grade homeroom.

We entered a talent show together as Wayne and Garth.

I was Garth.

You must be close if you're willing to steal a car for him.

We did not steal a car. We're just on a very, very long test drive.

-Can I ask you a question?

-Sure.

Er... You know, he's had a pretty tough last year.

And, er...

Ted, I'm not going to hurt him.

Yeah, cos he's an idiot, you know, but he's my best friend.

Someone's got to watch his back.

Hey!

Hey.

-Hello.

-That's it?

That's all you have to say to me? "Hello"?

-Hello, stranger?

-I won't be such a stranger

when I detach your bicuspids from your alveolus.

-Pardon?

-(MARTIAL ARTS YELLING)

-You ruined my life!

-Please tell me who you are.

-I'm the Grim Reaper, ass-clam.

-William!

-Hey!

-William!

-What are you doing?

-Exacting my vengeance.

Again, Katie, would you like to make the introductions?

Anderson, this is William, my...

Wife! I'm her wife! I mean, she's my wife. To be. We're engaged.

What?

You didn't tell him?

-I proposed three days ago.

-I never said yes.

You accepted a balloon bouquet! That's the same as saying yes.

-I don't think that's true.

-Is there a problem here, folks?

No. There's no problem here, Officer.

This is him. He said he was just going for a test drive.

Oh, excuse me.

You folks move along now, alright?

OK, officer. Thanks. We're gonna get going. Bye.

Oh, my.

This could be really bad.

Hi, Mom?

Guess where I am?

-(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)

-Hmmm...

-Oh, my word.

-What is it, Mother?

Anderson's in trouble. It's that girl, I just know it.

Alright, you, two, we're gonna have to cut it short.

Haven't we taught that boy values?

There's lemonade in the fridge.

Welcome to Tuxedo Depot. I'm Bill, I'll be your conductor.

How can I help you reach your formal wear destination?

You can help me by shutting up, Bill. This is a stick-up.

We don't want your money.

(TRAIN HORN TOOTS)

-What do you think?

-You look great. Doesn't he?

-Yeah, he looks great.

-Yeah, great. Good cut.

Pizza... Gotcha.

Pizza, you're under arrest.

So, erm, Katie tells me you're some sort of circus...

Freak?

Yeah, that's the word she used.

Yeah, I guess there aren't a lot of girls that spend their weekends

learning how to breathe fire.

No.

How do you breathe fire?

Well...

It's like the old saying - you just pucker your lips and blow

and...

Of course, you try not to inhale the propellant

because you can collapse a lung.

(RADIO) "All units. 10-16 in progress. 10-16 at Tuxedo Depot."

Dammit!

We're moving out of here real slow. Nobody do nothing, nobody gets hurt.

Thank you. You've been very nice.

Freeze! Put your hands on your head!

(CLICK OF GUNS BEING COCKED)

You've had a tough couple of days, huh?

Nah. Aside from being hit by a car and assaulted by an orthodontist,

it hasn't been too bad.

I'm sorry about William. He's usually a nice guy.

It's funny you say that, because I remember thinking

as he was kicking me in the face, "Hey, this guy is pretty nice."

I'll shut up.

I just think...

..maybe the world is trying to tell us something.

Like what?

Like maybe you can't look across a crowded restaurant

find the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with.

You didn't read me my rights. >

Not my problem. >

Tell it to the judge.

-I demand to be miranda'd.

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!

-Holy shit!

-Mom?

-Katie.

-Baby Bear.

-Dad!

-Anderson, this is my dad.

-Hi. Hi, er...

-Nice to meet you.

-Excuse the jewellery.

-What're you doing here?

-We stole a car!

-Allegedly!

All of you, pipe down!

This guy's fugitive ass is going back to the Big House.

-I'm sorry, your dad's a fugitive?

-Yep.

-OK, let's go.

-Come to me, baby.

-Daddy!

-It's so good to see you!

-You, too!

Mom, Dad.

-Oh, my God!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Who the hot springs are you people?

-We're his parents.

-Hey.

-Nice to see you again, Katie.

Hi... Mommy?

Mom, Dad, these are Katie's parents.

Why are Katie's parents in the hoosegow?

-Yeah, Mom?

-He kidnapped me from my Stuart!

What are you talking about?

-Oh! Baby, what are you doing?

-(CHAOTIC SHOUTING)

Back me up. No, no!

I got him. Ouch!

(SHERIFF SCREAMS) Ow! Bad ankle.

-Alright, freeze!

-(ALL GASP)

-You freeze!

-Whoa!

-Mom!

-No. You drop that gun!

-Put down the piece.

-I will blow you away!

-I'll kill this jackass.

I will violate your organs with tempered steel!

I am Little Bear, protecting her brood!

Put down the gun now!

To preserve the rule of law, I will gladly sacrifice this man.

What?

-Mom?

-Not now, sweetheart. Drop it!

-This is not police procedure!

-She startled me.

-Help me up!

-Gimme the keys! Get over there before I hurt this man.

Sweetheart, get your jacket.

(SMITTY) Go! Go!

Go, everyone. Get the keys.

We're not going anywhere!

My son is not going to be a felon.

Get a load of this. "My son's too good for felonies." Snobby bitch.

I have half a mind to stick my boot right up your cooter.

-(SCREAMS)

-(ALL SHOUT AT ONCE)

(FIRES GUN)

Whoa! Katie?

-Katie, what are you doing?

-Um... I don't know.

These past few days, I haven't really had any idea what I'm doing.

But what I'm realising is I'm standing here shooting a stolen gun,

-which by the way, is pretty cool.

-(ALL SCREAM)

What I'm realising is that I don't care,

as long as I can keep doing it with you, Anderson.

Because I think you can.

I think you can look across a crowded restaurant

and fall in love with a grubby stranger.

And I think love can be instantaneous and insane.

So, Anderson, for the last time I'm asking you...

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Yeah.

(BOTH) Yes.

Yes. Yes.

-YES!

-(ALL) Yes!

Here we go! Let's go.

Ooh! Take the van. The keys are on the hook.

Thank you!

You go, girl!

(SQUEALS) Bye!

Don't stop believing!

# "Nothing's Gonna Stand In Our Way" Kenneth Springs

# Believe, you gotta believe

# Oh, you gotta believe

# You've got to believe... #

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYED ON ORGAN)

-How're you feeling? Nervous?

-No. I feel good.

(MUSIC STOPS)

-(MUSIC RESUMES)

-Let me ask you,

when you met this guy, did you know?

Yeah.

I guess I did.

-I love you, Daddy.

-I love you too, Baby Bear. (SNIFFS)

Look at me, crying like a jailhouse bitch.

Stop it.

-Take care of my baby girl.

-I will.

(WHISPERS) Because if you don't, they'll never find you.

Thank you.

My name is Dr Favreau, and on behalf of my family

I'd like to welcome y'all to The House of Wedded Bliss.

A couple who marries here, I personally guarantee,

that's a marriage that's gonna last for life.

And we never forget a face.

Ain't that right, Lois and Smitty? (CHUCKLES)

Now, on to the business at hand.

Anderson, do you take this woman to be your wife?

Do you?

Anderson?

Sorry, I don't.