Jack Whitehall Live

This programme contains strong language.

Good evening, I'm Michael Whitehall, Jack's dad.

And I've been asked to make one or two announcements about this show.

Jack attracts the most terrible load of riffraff, doesn't he?

Now, mobile phones, all off. My wife gave me a mobile phone recently.

Absolutely outrageous. And it goes off all the time.

she doesn't know how to switch it off.

Don't want to downing your loads onto some Twatbook

or whatever you call it. Cos that's not permitted.

that there will be a lot of bad language in this show,

because I always say to Jack, the more bad language he uses,

the more it makes him sound like a complete wanker.

There are also, as you would expect, adult themes, sex,

all that sort of stuff. Which, again, is so classic of Jack.

Slags, basically, I've always thought.

Anyway, when the show gets to its interval,

which I'm sure many of you will be looking forward to,

don't leave it too late to get to the bar

So rush there, and don't go anywhere near the wine which is ghastly.

Go in for the gin and tonics, vodkas, that kind of stuff.

So, enjoy the show. That's the end of my contribution.

And buy the DVD if you haven't already bought it.

But why you could conceivably think it was worth buying I cannot think,

when there are so many really good DVDs out there on the market.

I mean, you could buy the new rerelease of Colditz,

you could go for The Forsyte Saga or World At War, I see,

The Onedin Line with my dear friend Anne Stallybrass.

Andrew Marr's new series about the canals of Britain,

the original Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, which was, I tell you,

a hell of a lot better than the current one.

..To The Manor Born, you could get that on DVD, with Penelope Keith

and Peter Bowles. Now, there's a comedian for you.

And, of course, anything with Nigel Havers.

The Cook Report, there's another show that...fantastic...

MUSIC: "Welcome To The Jungle" by Guns N' Roses

# Feel my... # MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

I saw Al Murray do that the beginning of his DVD

good evening and welcome to the Hammersmith Apollo!

CHEERING Oh!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out.

We're in Hammersmith, we're in London, my endz, oh yeah!

Anyone in from Hammersmith? Give me a cheer.

CHEERING A couple of you!

I love Hammersmith, Hammersmith is a great place.

Hammersmith Palais, one of my favourite nightclubs

back in the day, that's where the after party is tonight!

The only club in the country that makes Tiger Tiger look classy.

MAN: Wheyyy! Course he has, look at him!

You look like you could spike a drink just by looking at, mate.

I love it. Great drinks offers as well.

You buy two Jagerbombs, you get the morning after pill for free, class.

So let's find out about this beautiful audience

All the ladies, can you make some noise?

Yeah, great, got some guys in, some proper men.

Had to sit right down the front just to accommodate

"Bought two tickets for tonight, one for me and one for the twins."

Darren. Darren, yeah, proper ... man's name!

What do you do, Darren? Work in a factory, lifting.

Oh, yes! Darren, you have not let me down.

And you're wearing the suit, I like that,

you've got the shaved head but you're still rocking the suit.

You look like a footballer on his way to court up on rape allegations,

Because I'd love to be like you, a real man.

Because I love men... Not love men, that came out wrong.

I'd love to be a real man like Darren and my man here,

lumberjack shirt, three buttons undone, the chest is bursting out.

Real man like you, I'd love to be like you, a real man like you.

Because it's hard for us, isn't it, sir? No!

Camp men like ourselves, we get it tough.

You wouldn't know where to start with bleeding a radiator

but I bet you make an incredible bechamel sauce, am I right?

Yeah! Stick a bay leaf in, I know your tricks.

and all the ladies are here tonight, because this is my show.

This is my show, I've been touring it, been all round the country.

I went to Bristol, that was the last stop on my tour,

went to the West Country. Love the West Country.

Anyone in from the West Country? Nice! Great.

Very laid-back pace of life there in the West Country,

I had trouble getting down there, truth be told.

I was on the train on the way to Bristol,

the train went through this place called Bedwyn, OK?

Now, not many of you will know Bedwyn.

Bedwyn is a tiny rural village right in the middle of Wiltshire.

The only time you might have heard of Bedwyn

is it was once on an episode of Time Team.

Really good dig, actually, I watched it.

In one of the trenches, Baldrick, right,

he found the remains of a woman that had been burnt as a witch.

So I'm in a little place, Little Bedwyn, on the train,

all of a sudden the train stops and the PA system comes on.

It's the conductor. He is like, "Ladies and gentlemen,

"unfortunately this train is now being evacuated

I suspect Al-Qaeda might have slightly higher priorities

on their hitlist than rural Wiltshire!

Also, I thought, terrorism, that's done, we've dealt with that now,

it's not an issue any more. I watch the news, I listen to it.

There was a guy on the news recently, an expert

obesity is now a bigger threat to this country than Al-Qaeda.

What would you rather have sat opposite you

on the tube on your way home tonight?

Some mental guy with a beard and a 100-yard stare

or just a jolly little fat kid with a backpack full of Quavers?

and they were still trying to take away my toiletries.

I was like, "Madam, have you not seen the news?

"Mr Bin Laden has been shot and dumped at sea!

"There are now far more pressing issues at hand

"like the war on dry skin! This exfoliator is coming on, bitch!"

You know what I'm talking about, eh? Clarins, natural glow.

So we're carted out, at Bedwyn station,

we all get carted out onto the station platform.

It's freezing cold, it's Sunday night as well, to add insult to injury.

So we're all there feeling pretty depressed, tutting away.

"Sunday night, missed the X Factor results show, this is so shit."

Danny Dyer's Top 10 Ways To Kick A Dog.

And I'm stood there, and the guy from National Rail

comes out to address the assembled crowd.

And I could tell that he was excited. This was his big moment.

He'd worked at Bedwyn station for his entire life, he was pumped.

He walks out, and he's trying to sound intimidating as well,

which simply doesn't work if you've got a West Country accent.

watch that docudrama they had on Fred West on ITV.

It documented the life of one of the most evil serial killers

this country's ever seen but at no point were you ever scared

"What did you do with her next, Mr West?"

WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "I chopped her up and I put her in a bin liner!"

So out he comes, Mr National Rail. He's ready for his moment.

Clears his throat, he's like, "Ladies and gentlemen,

"unfortunately all of the trains from this station will now be delayed

"because I have personally spotted on platform two

To which the massive posh guy next to me shouts back at him,

"Well, put it on the train to Swindon,

I got there in the end, I got to Bristol in the end.

I went to a farmers' market in Bristol,

Not like the farmers' markets you get in London.

There's a farmers' market in Highgate I went to recently,

There's a woman called Araminta who has a cheese stall.

You go up, "What would you care for today, sir?

"I have this goat's cheese from the scorched valleys of Tuscany,

"or maybe you'll prefer this Gruyere from the Alpine peaks?"

I picked up a bit of cheese at the Fishponds farmers' market in Bristol,

I asked the man where it was from, he went, "A FARM!"

That's not to say Bristol as a place is not impervious

to a little bit of pretentiousness, because Bristol, as we all know,

is the home of one of the worst breed of girls you will ever find,

And that girl is the lesser spotted Did I Tell You About My Gap Year.

"Me and my friend Vascheri, who's ethnic, by the way,

"did I mention? And Cassandra, who didn't get into Leeds

"so she went to Liverpool which means she's so good with foreign languages,

"we just tottered round Tibet smoking the most amazing Thai grass

"And we found the most wonderful little monastery on the foot

"of Mount Hicha-picha-nacha-foccacia-arddurrrn,

"and we stayed there for weeks just helping the orphans."

You just think, haven't the orphans suffered enough?

I'm not having a go at charity work, though, I'm not.

Look, I did, I actually did some charity work when I left my school.

I don't want to, you know, show off, but it was pretty amazing what I did.

Just a couple of weeks' volunteer work in a special needs

school for children, just playing games with them, football, tennis.

And it does actually make you feel really good inside.

So that was the West Country, I went to the West Country.

I went to Scotland, I went to Glasgow.

I love Glasgow, Glasgow's a great place, quite a tough city though.

Glasgow's the only place I've ever been where you see toddlers

so they don't rip off Rottweilers' faces.

But I arrived in Glasgow and I decided, right, what I needed

and start my day by getting a proper breakfast.

I needed some energy, some food inside me.

So I set off into the central of Glasgow

sort of traditional greasy spoon Scottish cafe.

I walked in, there was a very dour-looking Scottish waiter,

staring at me, wishing that I was dead with every fibre of his being.

I sat down and I ordered myself a big, big bowl

of bircher muesli with all the fruits.

And I took out my laptop and I just started typing away,

just having it... Yeah, that's how I type. It's a pedal-assisted laptop.

And I was there, typing away, on my laptop,

and then, I made the fatal error, right,

of asking my newfound Scottish chum, the waiter,

To which he looked at me as if to say,

"I haven't even got access to my fucking kids."

So at this point, I wasn't feeling particularly well loved.

And then, thank God, the best thing that could possibly happen

And all of a sudden, I was no longer public enemy number one.

As soon as this woman waddled in the shop, "Hey, Marty, come in here,

"they're definitely going to have waffles."

"She's as welcome in here as a bowl of couscous!

"I'm going to take a shit in her omelette!"

She sits down, she's eating really loudly, she's slurping on her coffee.

She gets to the end of her coffee, she slams it down and start clicking

at the waiter, I'm like, "Oh my God, this shit's going to get messy."

She's like, "Sir, sir, come over here. I've finished my coffee.

"I will now have my free refill of coffee."

He looked at her like she had just ordered dead baby soup,

And he couldn't even formulate a response.

He wanted to say something but no sentences came out of his mouth.

After a minute of just aching and squealing, eventually,

She, cool as a cucumber, goes, "Sir, sir.

"I'm going to give you a little reality check here. OK?

In front of everyone, he looks her dead in the eye,

People were applauding him, patting him on the back.

There was a guy in the corner of the cafe in a wheelchair

that stood up to shout "Freedom!" as she waddled out the cafe.

Cos that's the thing, isn't it? There are some things, right,

that I don't think will ever make the cultural crossover.

We're so similar to Americans in many ways but some things,

Like customer service, for example. They love that in America.

We will never have that in the UK. We don't do customer service.

And I think that should be celebrated.

Cos I do not like customer service. I think it's an ugly thing.

I like going into a shop anywhere in this country

Phone shopping, for example. Phone shopping here is so easy.

You walk into the Carphone Warehouse, you know the drill,

you're going to get ignored for days.

There'll be a corpse at the counter where some elderly man

has gone in and tried to upgrade without his wife there to help.

it's going be from some patronising little teenager in a suit,

"How many minutes you talking in a month, bruv?"

But when you leave the shop, you feel like you've earned your phone.

I had to go to the Apple store recently in New York.

Before you even have your foot in the threshold of the door,

there's some wanktard with a fringe in your face.

"Hey, buddy, my name's Drew. How's your day been going, hombre?

"What brings you to the Apple Store today?"

I'm here to buy a phone, not make a friend, fuck off.

They applaud the first customer in of the day.

The Apple Store in New York, they all stand around clapping

like dickheads as he walks into the shop. "Whoo, we love you, man!

At my local T-Mobile, the only customer that's getting applauded

"Thank fuck you've gone, we're going down the pub, you BlackBerry wanker!"

And it works both ways as well. I had to get a train when I was in America.

I got onto the platform and on the platform they had a poster.

On this poster was one of the American Rail employees.

She was this woman, she was all made up,

her eyes were full of hope and life. She had a smile on her face.

And then underneath it, a little slogan.

"Hey, you got enough snacks for the journey? Enjoy your trip!"

Compare that to the posters that you get on every single station

platform up and down this great country. What do you get?

You get the picture of a National Rail employee

Then underneath it, "Please don't hit our staff!"

I'm depressed as well that I even have to go to the Apple store.

Because I never wanted that from my life. I was perfectly content before.

I was a non-iPhone user and I was happy.

But like all non-iPhone users, eventually,

I gave in, I listened to them. I gave in to the iPhone Nazis.

These people that force you to get it,

they make you buy it and they lie to you.

They don't tell you about the bad shit, only the good things.

They don't say, "This phone IS amazing,

"but unfortunately it has a battery life of 20 seconds.

"It's a smart phone, smart phone, you need to get a smart phone."

Fuck a smart phone! Do you know what I wish I still had? A dumb phone.

That's what I like. A phone where I knew where I stood.

You know the phone I wish I still had? The Nokia 3310.

CHEERING That was a phone!

Fuck the iPhone with all of its apps and its maps and its GPS shit.

The most pretentious the 3310 got is when it upgraded itself to the 3330.

The only thing they added to that model was a currency converter

on a phone that didn't even work abroad.

No pretension with, like, predictive text messaging.

Predictive text messaging on the 3310 was bliss.

that was more than, like, five letters long, it would give up.

It was like it was saying, "Yeah, you want to use poncey, fancy,

"prick language like that, you're on your own, knobhead!"

Not with the iPhone. Where does the iPhone get this vocabulary?

Constantly jumping to conclusions. Nobody fucking talks like that.

It doesn't matter what you put into the bloody thing, you're like,

Basically, I'm trying to become a little bit more of a grown-up.

This is a big thing in my life, OK, Hammersmith?

I've had some quite big changes that have been going on.

One of these I'm really proud to share with you this evening,

is that basically, I am no longer living at home with my mother.

CHEERING I know!

And I'm doing shit that I never thought I would do.

I invited a friend over for a cup of tea, cos that's what I do now.

and take class As and finger people by bins, that's over.

we drink herbal tea and we watch Eggheads, so fuck you, CJ.

So I invited my friend round, hand her this herbal tea,

she goes to put it down on the coffee table.

Before that mug has made contact with the coffee table,

I'm not the coaster guy, all of a sudden, I'm the coaster guy.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

and I saw a light bulb flicker and go out

I got a chair out, I changed a... I changed a lightbulb!

Compare that to me in my student flat three years ago.

If I was sat in a room and a light bulb flickered and went out,

my instant response was this. Oh, fuck.

We're only going to be able to use this room in the day now.

So my grown-up living was going very well, going very well,

my grown-up living, in my flat, with my coasters and everything.

But then it took a little bit of a nosedive because I realised

there was one thing I no longer had which I really relied on.

Because I will be the first to admit, Hammersmith,

I'm a massive mummy's boy. My mum is incredible.

I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my mum.

No, but when I first started doing stand-up and stuff,

I was too young to drive, for example.

So my mum used to drive me to all of my gigs.

She'd drive me there, I'd do the show, she'd wait outside

and then she'd take me back afterwards. So...

It meant it was quite hard to pick up ladies after shows.

Yeah, you want to come back to my crib, babe?

My ride's outside, it's the Volvo estate.

But I realised, I didn't have my mum any more, I didn't have my mum.

And I decided what I was going to do, OK, this was my idea,

I thought I could start dating my mum.

Not my actual mum, that sounds weird.

No, I mean a version of my mum, there would obviously be

a sexual aspect to it as well that there wasn't with my real mum...

Which is not to say when I was living at home with my mum,

And that was my mum had garnered the greatest weapon

that any woman can have in any relationship with a man.

Cos men, they just want to have sex all the time.

Like, how old are you over there in the T-shirt? How old are you?

Me? 19. 19, you must be like a fucking ball of spunk.

You haven't been listening to a word I've been saying

when you can clamber onto the stage and fuck that E!

But we do, we want sex all the time. We're animalistic.

And if a woman can turn around and be like, "No cum for you,"

you have control. I realise that's not how women do it.

"Do you want to make love?" "No cum for you!"

But my mum did, she tried to stop me from having sex

And it wasn't that she...she didn't mind me having sex elsewhere,

Like, I remember I went away on my first ever stag weekend

My mum helped me pack my bag. In the front pocket, my mum put 30 condoms.

I counted them went I came back, there were 31.

But it was sex in her house that she wasn't happy with.

a whole arsenal of ways of stopping me from having sex in her house.

The first thing she did was try and de-sexualise my bedroom.

She thinks I didn't notice, it was so obvious.

The longer I'd been going out with a girl, the more children's toys

would suddenly appear littered on the floor.

Family photographs adorning every single mantelpiece.

A massive framed picture of my creepy uncle above the bed.

And this huge mound of cushions as well,

towered high over the bedspread, that you'd have to hack through

before you can even get into the sheets.

They all had little things embroidered on them

"Home sweet home," "Mummy knows best,"

"Daddy's under the bed." What the fuck?

And it didn't stop there. Didn't stop there, no.

And it's not like I was having loud sex on it as well.

I don't know why I'm looking at you there, Darren, I'm sorry.

I was trying to have the quietest sex that I could possibly have.

I was very conscious that my mum was beneath me. Not beneath, no, no!

Anyway, stealth sex, that's what I used to call it. Proper stealth sex.

Me and my girlfriend at the time, we'd be having sex so quietly

we were doing it like... like we were Anne Frank's parents.

Yeah! She didn't put that in the diary.

You can't do anything fun as well. Can't do anything experimental.

If I came home from a night out, little bit tipsy maybe,

she might be like, "Jack, do you want to try role-playing?"

"Could you just play dead? Honestly, that would help."

Sex for me at home, in my mum's house, became a little bit

like arriving late at the theatre and trying to find your seat.

Just a lot of shuffling, a bit of shushing, a pause,

And it's not to say, as well, that I ever wanted any sort of weird sex.

When it comes to sex, I like it very simple.

I'm quite British about the whole thing. Quite Victorian British.

I want three minutes in the dark, then we both roll over,

assume the foetal position and cry for a bit. That's how it's done.

And none of that talking. I hate the talking,

I can't stand any of the talking during sex. I hate that shit.

They say during sex a woman should lie back and think of England.

I couldn't agree more. I think maybe let's make it more specific.

and don't you dare start a conversation.

Cos I've had a girl that tried to get me to do the dirty talk thing.

And I warned her that it wouldn't work, this is not a sexy voice,

this voice does not work within the echelons of a sexual environment.

Therefore any sexual contact will be conducted in complete silence.

But she wouldn't listen, she insisted on doing it.

She was like, "Oh, Jack, tell me I've been a bad girl!"

I don't know. Is there a scale?

Worse than a looter, not as bad as Harold Shipman, are you happy now?

I was going out with this girl when I was at university

and she had this thing where, basically, in sixth form,

she had gone out with her PE teacher at school.

So she asked me to do a role-play reversal in the bedroom

where she was the PE teacher and I was the pupil.

I was like, I am not comfortable with this whatsoever.

I really didn't want to do it. But I didn't know how to get out of it.

Eventually I turned up with a note from my mum. I was like...

APPLAUSE Oh...

So, I haven't yet mentioned where my father lives in all of this.

Which is, really, to not give a flying fuck about any of it.

When we were growing up, me and my dad, we argued quite a lot.

over some things that were sort of recurring, because basically,

when I was younger, when I was growing up,

because he was always sort of trying to butch me up.

He was trying to make me more macho.

And I think you'll agree, he's done a pretty fabulous job, I mean...

And every time we argued as well, I'd always do the same thing,

I'd run away from home. No matter what the argument was about,

it was like, "I'm running away, leaving home, I'm going forever

"Froobs, I'll need some Froobs to eat, and a Merlin sticker album

Put on my bag and off I'd go You'll never see me again.

"I don't know, I hear Moldova's very nice this time of year."

And off I'd go and then I'd wait at the end of the street,

I wouldn't actually properly run away,

I'd be, like, 100 yards away from the house.

I'd be waiting there for my dad to come and pick me up in the car.

It was very important that he got into the car,

I needed him physically to get into the car,

drive 100 yards down the road, pick me up, tell me that he loved me.

Then I'd get back in the car, we'd go home,

and it would all be happy families again.

And I'd say this happened on average once or twice a week.

And, as I say, often over recurring issues.

One of them was that I went through a phase when I was younger,

about two or three years, where I really liked Robin Hood.

To the point where I wanted to dress up as him all the time.

And I had the most wonderful outfit as well.

And then a spangled tunic, Claire's Accessories belt,

feather tumbling out of the side of my cap, I looked fierce.

My dad didn't like that, because I wore that outfit to everything,

everything. Family functions, holidays, the supermarket.

His brother's funeral. He really didn't like that.

So that was constantly bubbling over throughout my childhood.

though, there was one Christmas where he really let loose.

a couple of weeks before Christmas. And that was a pair of roller blades.

I really wanted roller blades, my mum got them,

I was so excited and then my father confiscated them.

He said, "No son of mine will be gliding around like a woofter!"

So I didn't have my roller blades, I didn't have my roller blades.

So come Christmas morning, right, I was ready to blow at anything. OK?

Which leads me on to the second present that

I requested that year for Christmas. And that was a Pocahontas doll.

Now, a couple of judgy laughs there which is fine.

I didn't actually want it in a gay way, I wanted a Pocahontas doll

because I had an Action Man figurine and I thought it would be nice

as Action Man is a soldier and he goes off and fights all these wars

But my dad wouldn't get me the Pocahontas doll.

I went down, Christmas morning, opened all of my presents

expecting to see Pocahontas there, she was not there.

If I don't give me my pocket money right this instant so

I can go out and buy my Pocahontas doll,

I will walk out of that door and that will be this time for good.

My father was like, "Over my dead body."

I was like, "Fine. Mother, pack my bag."

"It's already done." "Thank you, Mother."

Off I went, into my father's study, I took out my roller blades

I remember at the time thinking, what a heartless, cold bastard.

Because, let me tell you, you get some very bizarre looks

when, aged 13, on a cold Christmas morning,

you're stood on the corner of the pavement in a women's dress,

green fishnet tights and roller blades

looking a little bit like a hooker out of Starlight Express,

and essentially getting kerb-crawled by your own father

who drives up in a Mercedes, puts down the window,

hands you ?20 and shouts, "I love you, now get in the fucking car!"

And, you know, I genuinely thought, as I grew up,

these pressures would evaporate. But they don't, do they?

They change, the pressures that your parents put onto you.

The one I'm dealing with now is that my mum wants me to get married.

She's obsessed with me getting married, and, specifically,

she wants me to get married to Kate Middleton. Right.

Which sounds mental, cos it is, but it's made slightly less mental

by the fact that I was at school with Kate Middleton.

So, my mum sees that as, like, a missed opportunity,

that I was at school with Kate Middleton

I mean, Kate Middleton is five years older than me.

When we were at school, she was in sixth form.

I wasn't particularly cool when I was at school.

I played the recorder, my mum forced me to learn the recorder at school.

She was like, "Oh, no, women love a musician."

The only way I'm going to get a girl into my bed

by using the recorder is if I fucking knock her out with it.

But she gets annoyed at me now. She thinks it's my fault.

and always brings up the Kate Middleton thing.

The other day, I was staying at her house, right?

I'd taken off my clothes to get into bed,

There was a pair of my boxer shorts on the floor,

in which was the tiniest, weeny little skidmark.

My mother walks in with the laundry basket, scoops it up,

she's like, "That's why Kate didn't want you."

That's why I found the royal wedding so hard to watch.

Cos in one ear I had my mother, "Why can't you get married?

In the other ear I had the television,

Remember, they kept saying that thing, "Kate Middleton is, of course,

"the first commoner to marry in to the royal family.

"The first COMMONER to marry in to the royal fa..."

"Commoner." What's this "commoner" they keep talking about?

As you've all already gauged from my voice, demeanour

the school I attended was not particularly common.

They were writing and talking about Kate Middleton

like she was from Harlem, like, straight out the ghetto.

I'll let you into a little secret about my school, Marlborough College.

Marlborough College made Midsomer Murders

look like The fucking Wire, all right?

We had one black guy in the entire school when I was there.

He was a friend of mine called Daniel, and I shit you not,

genuinely used to put Daniel in every single school photograph,

to try and make our school look more diverse.

"So, come on, Daniel, pop yourself on the end of the row, there."

"But I wasn't in the First XI cricket team."

"And afterwards you'll be combing that afro into pigtails,

Mentioned Midsomer Murders, there. My favourite story of last year -

the producer of Midsomer Murders suspended

because he claimed the only reason Midsomer Murders worked as a show

is because there was no black people living in the village of Midsomer.

"The only way they can make this situation any better,

If you were the first black person to live in the village of Midsomer...

Every time there's a murder, getting hauled in for questioning.

So, my mum wants me to get married, and you know what?

I decided that I would actually like to be in a proper relationship.

And most of my relationships have never worked out.

is to work out what it was that made a relationship work,

so I did what any sensible guy would do in that situation.

I went to a live recording of the Jeremy Kyle Show in Manchester.

Now, let me tell you, I learnt some things that day.

Some lessons that will remain with me for the rest of my life.

Cos at that live recording of the Jeremy Kyle

Show in Manchester, I witnessed, in front of my very eyes,

Cos when he walked into the studio, none of us gave him a hope in hell.

and he was wearing a matching shell suit and cap.

I was like, "Oh, my God, man, Jeremy Kyle is going to chew you up

"and I hope he gets done with you quickly

"so we can see the squabbling sisters who are fucking the same guy,

"cos that's why I came this afternoon."

But right from the outset, Spider showed some serious promise.

Kyle started out with a standard Jeremy Kyle opening round

He was like, "So, Spider, I hear that you don't see much of your children."

"Let's see what you got in your locker, Spider, old buddy, old pal."

I admit that I don't see much of my children,

"but that's cos I've got to work two jobs - one during the day,

"and then I've also got to do a night shift to earn enough money

I sat up in my chair - I was like, "Ooh, this guy's good."

Kyle coils back for another blow. "So, Spider, I hear..."

"I hear that you are a bit of a drinker."

Ooh, it's a low blow! The sobriety test early on.

This normally separates the wheat from the chaff.

"What have you got this time, Spider?"

"Well, Jeremy, I admit that I was a bit of a drinker,

"And I am now proud to say that I have been sober for three years."

Have in just seen a man sidestep Jeremy Kyle two times in a row?!

I'll be telling my grandchildren about this momentous day,

when the matador finally met his match in this deadly dance of death.

He swoops to his side, he draws up an envelope.

We all know what that means - it's lie detector time!

"I asked you on the lie detector whether you'd ever cheated

"on your partner Raquel when you were in a relationship with her.

"You said that you hadn't. You were in fact...

It was like Rocky IV, we were the Russians, and we'd sided with Rocky.

Kyle didn't know what to do. He was on the ropes.

He had one last throw of the dice, and it needed to be doubles,

I'm like, "Fuck me, Kyle's calling in for backup!

"I ain't seen this shit go down before."

"Spider, I've had a word with our researchers,

"and they tell me that you have a motto."

"Oh, Jeremy, is that all you've got? A motto?

"we've already established that this gentleman in a shell suit is no mug.

"What, you thought he'd walk into the arena of battle without a motto?

"Well, come on, Spider, old buddy, old pal,

"Put him to the sword, and then you can parade round the studio

"with his head on a bloody, fucking spike."

"Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself?"

Suddenly elevated to being like Jesus delivering the Sermon on the Mount.

Everyone looking, and then, in front of the entire studio,

"'If a woman can give a punch, she can take one.'"

I learnt an important lesson that day.

I realised I would not get all my answers from the Jeremy Kyle Show.

if I wanted to know what it was that made relationships work.

So, I decided my next port of call was to look for inspiration

Cos my grandparents have been married for longer

than I've ever even heard of people being married.

And I looked at them, and I thought, "What is it that's kept them

"together over such a long period of time?

"How have they stayed so in love over all that time?"

It was something so simple yet beautiful.

Because my grandad is terrified of my granny.

Now, don't get me wrong, he's got just cause to be afraid of my granny.

My granny is the scariest 82-year-old battleaxe you've ever met.

We call her Dorothy Soprano, she runs our firm.

Cos have we got couples in tonight? Where are couples in the crowd?

This gentleman here in the chequered shirt -

is this your lady wife next to you, there?

Beautiful, beautiful. How long have you been married for?

See, in America, that would get a round of applause.

But here, people are just like, "They must fucking hate each other."

If we caught that on camera, as soon as I asked the question,

And you know what that look was she was giving you?

Fear is a good thing to have in a relationship, I think.

Like, the longest relationship I've ever had was based on fear,

cos I was terrified of the girl I was going out with.

She was from the Northeast of England.

No, cos it's not the accent. I love the Geordie accent.

I think the Geordie accent is a beautiful accent.

Um, I'm quite defensive of it, actually.

Like that whole Cheryl Cole thing, I was really annoyed by that.

Sacking Cheryl Cole from American X Factor cos they claimed

they couldn't understand her because of her Geordie accent.

Nothing to do with that, it was to do with Americanisms, wasn't it?

There's words that are different in America

In America, when it comes to sexual contraceptives, they use "rubbers".

No, I love the accent, the accent's beautiful.

And she had a very strong Geordie accent, and I loved it.

In fact, it was a bit of a problem, really,

I was never really listening to a word she was saying.

You know, we'd be out shopping in town,

she might catch me looking at another girl.

"if I ever catch you looking at another girl like that again,

"I'll cut your dick off with a fucking spoon."

"Ooh, who's a little Geordie? Come on!"

She wasn't on a lead. That wasn't... I didn't...

but she sort of changed as the relationship developed,

When I first met her she was cool, she was funny, she was exciting,

she said she was bi, and I was like, "Ooh, sexy."

No, we split up when I left university,

and it was for the best, it definitely was.

and after that I didn't really have many other relationships.

Which brings me up to sort of about eight months ago,

and I met this girl who was absolutely incredible,

and I fell head over heels in love with her.

She was amazing, like no other girl I'd ever met.

And, you know, she was a bit older than me, she was mature.

It was like, "Finally, I've got a grown-up relationship."

You know, "We're going to have coasters all over the house.

even though I was very happy to be in a grown-up relationship,

on a Friday night, about six months in.

It was Friday night, I'd gone on to my Facebook

and I'd been invited, online, to a fancy-dress party.

Out I go, rented myself a big chicken costume -

correct, I will be winning Best-Dressed this evening.

Got myself two large bottles of Jagermeister

and I was ready to hit the fucking town!

Came downstairs and my girlfriend was stood in front of the door,

She was like, "Jack, you've forgotten, haven't you?

"Tonight is the six-month anniversary of our first date.

"at the restaurant we went on our first date to.

"Well, I don't remember seeing it as an event on Facebook, so...

This was someone I cared about a great deal

and this was something that meant a lot to her

and it had gone in one ear, out the other.

And I felt so stupid, cos I look at my inspiration for relationships -

I've already mentioned my grandad, all right?

My grandad is in the severe clutches of Alzheimer's.

Most of the time, he doesn't even know why he's in the room.

But the one memory that he clings on to for dear life,

is the memory of when he first met my grandmother.

And he tells it to me all the time. It's heart-wrenching.

I'll be sat with him, he'll be like, "Jack...

"have I ever told you about the time that I met your grandmother?"

"But fire away, Grandad - we've got all day."

"I was in Dublin, having left the Royal Navy.

"And I was walking through town late at night

"and I saw this group of ladies stood by the Ha'penny Bridge.

"And in amongst them was your grandmother.

"So I decided I would go up and ask her for directions.

"Of course, I knew where I was going!"

"that if I didn't pluck up the courage to ask her to go for a drink,

"I'd regret it for the rest of my life."

"And we went for a drink, we talked for hours.

"I'd never believed in love at first sight

"but, when I met your grandmother, I knew."

And, six months later, they were married.

Cos he said that she was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen.

But I look at him and I think, "Everything else,

"his whole mind, is fucked but the one thing he holds on to,

"is the memory of when he first met my grandmother

"and I can't even remember the restaurant I went to

us guys are so bad at forgetting every anniversary.

Girls are the opposite - you love the little anniversaries.

The anniversary of when you first kissed, first met,

Guys don't remember those lovely little ones.

If we were going out to dinner to commemorate the anniversary

of the time she broke my PlayStation 3

"Ooh, Shiraz-gate's in the fucking diary!"

basically summed up why our relationship was never going to work.

Because of the date, the nature of it,

The restaurant we'd been on our first date in

was not my kind of restaurant - it was one of these really fancy places,

and I don't like a fancy restaurant, I don't like pretentious restaurants,

especially on dates, cos they make you look like idiots.

And he has the wine list and it's on an iPad.

Thrusts it in front of my face in front of this woman, he's like,

No! If you go to a restaurant on a date,

you want to go somewhere where you can look like you know your shit,

where you look like you're in control.

Which is why, if you ever take a girl on a date,

there is only one venue and one venue alone. Any ideas?

AUDIENCE SHOUTS: Nando's! NANDO'S!

Correct, ladies! Nando's is where you take your date.

Cos, if you go to Nando's, you look like you know your shit!

You arrive. You are greeted at the door.

"Hello. Has Sir ever been to Nando's before?"

"and we both know that you're going to be doing fuck all this evening,

"I'll have this booth in the corner. Ooh, banquette seating!

That'll be nice for scooching up together

"when this date gets interesting later on tonight."

"What would Madame like? A dry Sancerre or a crisp Sauvignon Blanc?

"It doesn't matter, babe, it's Nando's -

"Do you like chicken? Good, cos it's all fucking chicken!"

I know what I'm getting - double chicken breast in pitta,

they put on the top of it, so it says that mine is Extra Hot,

so when I'm tucking into it, she thinks that I'm hard as nails!

"Would Sir like cheese and pineapple with that?"

Why would anyone want cheese and pineapple with chicken?!

She ordered it with two sides - one of Macho Peas, one of witty repartee.

Right now, she is eating out of the palm of my hand.

Mainly cos I've forgotten to get the fucking cutlery

But it doesn't matter. It's now make-or-break time.

She's about to ask the question every girl will ask you

if you take them on a date to Nando's.

She looks longingly and lovingly into my eyes and says,

And I will let you into a little secret -

it is a question that nobody actually knows the answer to.

"Peri-peri, my dear, is a blend of aromatic spices,

"bonded together by the tears of Portuguese widows

"that have lost their husbands at sea.

Came back to her flat about three o'clock in the morning,

..and she broke up with me, then and there.

And the reason that she gave for splitting up with me?

Cos there is nothing in the world you can say in response to a girl

when they've just split up with you for being too immature...

..crying - and I mean UNCONTROLLABLY crying...

I mean "getting kicked in the bollocks with a football

"to the power of Mufasa dying in Lion King" tears -

that are uncontrollably tumbling down your BEAK

in a large, Jagermeister-sodden chicken costume,

for storming in and demanding to have your children back.

# I am so lonely I am so lonely

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely wonderful.

Thank you so much for coming out to see my show this evening!

# Walking on Walking on broken glass

Hi, I'm Tina. Here's the latest news in 60