Nina Conti: Talk to the Hand

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR AND SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show.

Now put your hands together and go wild, go crazy for the one, the only, it's Nina Conti!

Hello! Thank you.

Hello.

Thank you very much. How fabulous. What a crowd!

Hello, hello, hello.

What a fabulous crowd.

Thank you very much for coming to Talk To The Hand.

I'm Nina and I'm a ventriloquist.

Nina, I'm ready.

What? Where are you, Monkey?

I'm in the basket.

But that's no good. I need you here.

-OK, lift up your right hand.

-Yeah?

And start talking to it.

No, that's no good. We need you on stage.

-Well, get the costume.

-OK.

Now put your hand inside me.

Right.

Oh, sweet Jesus, I'll never get used to this.

-OK, are you ready now, Monkey?

-Yes, ready.

On the count of three. One, two, three, huh!

Hello, hello. Hey, Sydney, thank you.

APPLAUSE Thank you very much.

OK, get rid of this shit.

Oh, there's no going back.

No, there's no going back.

So we've got lots to look forward to tonight.

-I'm going to hit Kings Cross later.

-What?

Going to get me some sweet Sydney ass.

Excuse me! You're a monkey.

-They're not fussy.

-What?!

And I've got lots of new puppets.

Don't get excited. They're all shit.

That's not true.

They're all shit cos they're all you.

Can you not deconstruct the whole act quite so early on?

What, do you reckon they think you're talking to a real monkey?

This isn't Adelaide, Nina.

LAUGHTER

Oh, they love it. They love it. They hate Adelaide.

So, right. I wanted to start by saying that most ventriloquists...

-Are dead.

-No!

-Or at least lonely.

-No, not that. Um...

Most ventriloquists...

Can't afford to feed their kids.

No, not that either. Most ventriloquists...

Die on cruise ships.

Monkey, shut up! Am I ever going to get to the end of this sentence?

Well, if YOU don't know, we're fucked!

I've actually fitted Monkey with a built-in bleeper,

which I will now use.

-You did

-SQUEAK

-what?

-Oh, you

-SQUEAK

-cow.

-I don't

-SQUEAK

-believe it.

-Can I still say

-SQUEAK?

-Oh.

-Sorry.

-Oh, fiddlesticks.

So, um, no, what I was saying... Don't interrupt me.

I'm going to cover your mouth. Most ventriloquists...

-No, I can't breathe.

-What?

-Get off. Nina, get your

-SQUEAK

-hand off me.

Monkey, stop it.

No, I can't breathe.

MONKEY GASPS

Are you OK?

I don't breathe anyway, Nina!

OK.

-All right, so...

-What's that stuck to your face?

-What? It's my microphone.

-Where's MY microphone?

-Well, you don't have one.

-Well, that screws up the illusion!

Look at you standing there, trying not to move your mouth. What a loser.

Monkey! You can talk into my mic if you want. Come on.

-I don't trust you.

-Come on. Oh, God.

-Testing.

-That's good. That's cosy.

-Stuck on your tit.

-No, talk into it.

-Testing, testing, one, two, three.

-Is that convincing?

Testing, testing, one, two, three.

Makes no bloody difference!

-Now I've lost the thread. What?

-What?

Nothing. What? Were you going to say something?

How would you not know that, Nina?

All right. No, I remember.

I was saying most ventriloquists... Don't interrupt me.

Most ventriloquists like to stick to a script.

-Why is that?

-That's because it's nice to plan ahead

-what your face is going to be doing.

-What do you mean?

Well, you know, to make it look like you're listening

when you're, in fact, talking.

-What, like this? This shit you're doing now?

-Yeah.

Why do you have to make it look so hard?

-Oh, sorry.

-First rule of show business, make everything look easy.

-Fine.

-Second rule of show business, don't

-SQUEAK

-the elephants.

What? There aren't any elephants here, Monkey.

Cos I can't trust you with them, Nina.

Oh, shush! Right, no, it's difficult...

-On the tit again.

-Monkey! It's difficult to look like

you're listening when you're talking.

Nina, all married couples do that.

Well, yeah, but we're not even married.

I know, you deny me.

No, I don't! You're me.

I know. It's worse than incest.

What?! It's nothing like it. So, um, yes.

So that's why, you know,

ventriloquists have liked to stick to a script.

Well, not this year. This year we're going off script.

I'm going to talk to some actual human beings. Let's see.

Who are you, sir? I like you with your hand on your mouth.

-What's your name?

-My name's Greg.

-Greg.

-Greg, nice to meet you, and what do you do?

I work in computers.

You work in computers?

Not IN computers, but work with computers.

-You work with them.

-And sell them.

You sell them. OK. The details are not that interesting, sir.

You mean you don't create software like...

Nah.

He just flogs them. He's a simple guy.

So...right, OK.

-And is this your bitch?

-What?!

-Are you together?

-Yes.

-You are, right.

-That's good.

-For tonight.

-For tonight?

-Oh, she's...

-Bit late for the cameras.

You were late for the cameras.

-She's...

-What? What?

I don't have a clue what the fuck they're on about.

I'm catching up. I'm catching up.

Yeah, but for as long as you don't understand, I remain clueless.

So you, um, you were late.

What were you doing, dolling up yourself?

-He was.

-He was?

He was dolling up you?

Right. Well, you're really welcome.

You're really fucking welcome. What do you do? What do you do, missy?

-Sorry?

-What do you do?

I'm an assistant manager in the Sydney Children's Hospital.

Assistant manager in the Sydney Children's...

Oh, you're a good girl.

-You dress like a slut, but you're a good girl.

-What?!

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

She knows she does. She's happy with it.

And what about you, sir? What do you do?

-I'm an archaeologist.

-You're an archaeologist!

Oh, that's really interesting.

Now, let's just pause a minute while Nina remembers what that means.

-No, I think I do.

-So you dig up old shit?

Right. And have you ever found anything very rich?

And pocketed it for your own bank account?

-Have you found interesting things?

-Um...

-Australia's quite new.

-What kind of things have you found?

Stone artefacts.

-Stone artefacts?

-Moving on.

Sounds very interesting.

-And is this YOUR bitch?

-Yes.

-Right, and you guys are married?

-No.

-No.

-Why not?

-Monkey, that's impertinent.

What's wrong with her?

She looks quite hot to me. I'd marry her.

And, ah, what do you do, missy?

-I'm a building designer.

-You're a building designer. Excellent.

And do you ever use his little old stone artefacts to build anything?

-If he'll let me.

-Marble city.

If he'll let you, yes. Does he ever let you?

-No.

-No.

-What? What are you going to say?

-Suck his dick?

-No, to hold his thing!

I can't ... Oh, my God, it's awful. I'm so sorry.

And you, sir, what do you do?

Me, I'm a dance instructor.

-You're a dance instructor.

-Oh, that's good. How's this?

-Have I got what it takes?

-That's good, isn't it?

You do it now, Nina.

Oh, don't do that. I nearly threw up over there.

So you're a dance instructor. That's very exciting.

Do your instructions ever make it to the stage,

or do you just give them out willy nilly?

-No, I own a dance studio.

-You own a dance studio.

That's really good. And do you have relationships with the dancers?

Well done, sir. So you're a dancer?

-Mm-hmm.

-And you're doing the instructor?

-Yes.

-That's good.

-Does it improve your dancing?

It absolutely does.

Well, then you're doing the right thing and I applaud your choice.

And look at them getting tense down the end of the row there.

They know it's them next. But it's actually you guys!

CHEERING

-Oh, they want it.

-They love it. They're loving it.

Look at that one with her hands in the air. What do you do?

-BOTH:

-I'm a...

Monkey, which one are you talking to?

I don't know. My eyes are marbles.

-They both answered.

-It's her birthday.

-It's your birthday.

-Happy birthday. Are you, ah, are you legal yet?

-I am now.

-So you're 18?

Excellent stuff. What's the first thing you're going to do?

Kiss the monkey!

She says kiss the monkey.

Go on, give Monkey a kiss.

Oh, Jesus, what are we going to do?

They're suggesting that she kisses the monkey.

Well, I think that might be strange.

Well, I'm scared, too. It's cross-species. Disgusting.

This is a DVD.

-I don't think, ah, I don't think I can

-SQUEAK

-do it.

Monkey, please!

No, I don't. Listen... shall we go for it? Come on.

Ohh! Ohh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was interesting, and I think you're brave. I think you're brave.

Nina has never done that all these years.

This front row is very fruity.

For once, I'm shocked.

And what do you do, sir,

in the T-shirt with the doughnut on it?

I'm a forklift driver.

You're a forklift driver.

That is masculine. I love it.

I love exactly what you do.

And so you lift things with the truck and you lift them

and you put them down and you lift them and you put them down.

And one day you die...

..and you wonder what it was all about.

-Is this your girlfriend?

-No.

-No.

And is this your boyfriend?

-The night is young.

-The night is young.

Soon he'll be lifting you up and putting you down...

I hope you have fun with it.

And what do you do, sir?

-I'm a musician.

-You're a musician, OK.

So you could play music as he lifted you up and put you down.

That'd be great. What do you play?

-I'm a drummer.

-You're a drummer.

Excellent. That's the simplest instrument.

No, it's not. You have to be very clever to do all those syncopated rhythms.

-What the hell are you talking about?

-I don't know. We went off track.

So are you in a band?

-Yeah.

-Of course he's in a band.

You don't get solo drummers unless they're...

-Well, sometimes you might. You are in a band?

-Yeah.

-Oh, what kind of stuff do you do? Rock or...?

-Ah, funk.

He said funk and he did this.

He's got the beat.

He's given it to me now.

-OK.

-And you, lady, what do you do?

-I'm a nurse.

-You're a nurse.

Oh, I love you. Can you take a look at my rear end?

Why?!

Oh, it's just Nina's started using other puppets.

And I'm really worried cos that's how disease is spread.

You don't have to look.

He's fine, he's healthy and it's all very hygienic.

Who's this on the penultimate end?

-I'm a nurse, too.

-You're a nurse.

A couple of nurses. I love you.

OK, you keep the world safe.

Now, shall I keep Monkey away and you can all relax?

-Is that a good idea?

-No, it's not a good idea.

-Yeah, it is. I'm going to put Monkey on the stand here.

-OK.

What is it?

It's just something we made, actually, for you to sit on.

Couldn't look less like a tree.

-OK, you all right?

-Yes, my heart's not in this.

-Are you all right?

-Yes, I think so. OK, let's go.

All right, so what do you fancy doing now?

Now I'd like to improvise.

OK. So how is that going to work?

Well, we're going to start with some word association.

Can you just explain to everyone, what's word association?

It's when you say a word

and then I say the first thing that comes into your head.

OK. All right, fine.

-OK, so I'll do it with you.

-Yes.

-And then I'll do it with them.

-OK, fine. So who's going to start?

-You're going to start.

-OK.

-Either way you're going to start.

-All right, so - cheese.

-Sandwich. Oh, it's gone.

-What's wrong?

-Start again. Ready?

-Steady.

-Cook.

Oh, shit. Didn't mean to say that.

OK, I'm going to do it with all of you guys.

Can you shout out the first thing that comes into your head

when I say - hairy.

Doughnut! Man!

Hairy doughnut.

Hairy doughnut man. OK, good.

I like it, the idea of that.

OK, any others?

Yes, I'm going to do one more.

I'd like a few more of you to shout out this time.

Dangly.

Testicles!

OK, OK. I think we've found their level.

I think you set it up. OK, very good.

There was one very loud man with "testicles" over there.

Clearly, his are very dangly.

Anything else? Are you happy with that?

One more. Massive...

Grapes.

-Grapes. Nice.

-Nice and clean. I like it.

Massive grapes. I'd like one now.

So they're shouting out. You happy with that?

Yes, now I'd like two everyday objects.

-Why?

-I'm going to fashion a joke out of them.

-You're going to fashion a joke?

-Yes, indeed, I am.

OK. Good luck.

I don't need good luck. I'm good at this shit.

All right, can I have two everyday objects, thank you.

-Lamb!

-What?

-Toaster!

Toaster, and what was the other one?

Spoon. OK, I heard "spoon" and "toaster". Are you happy with that?

Yeah, I'm fine. Go ahead.

What's the difference between a toaster and a spoon?

-Well, one is a sexual aid...

-Right.

And the other is useful for drinking your soup with.

-What?

-You see what I did there?

Well, I thought the spoon was the sexual aid.

Well, you would, you weird girl.

Turns out I prefer to do it with a toaster.

-Brown me on both sides, you hot bitch!

-Monkey!

Ding!

-Drop it in the slot again, Nina.

-Monkey, stop it!

I think I can last for four minutes this time.

-Oh, that toasty toasty love.

-Right, OK.

-Two more everyday household objects.

-Coffee cup.

Coffee cup. And what? A clock.

Monkey, what's the difference between a coffee cup and a clock?

Oh, no wonder we're always late.

SILENCE

Where were you guys? That was comedy gold.

You think so?

I got the rhythm again. OK, here we go.

-What do you want to do now?

-Now I'd like to do an entire story.

Oh, bloody hell! Good luck.

Shut up with the luck. I can do it.

So what's the format?

Well, I'm going to start and then when I pause, they fill in the gaps.

All right. How do we know when you've paused?

Because you're going to do a hand gesture, bitch.

-OK.

-Can I see your hand gesture?

Well, like that.

-OK. It's a bit grandiose.

-It's fine.

-Don't do it with the wrong hand.

-OK.

She's 18 but we've already kissed

and I don't want to fly off into her lap.

OK, fine. All right, whenever you're ready.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there was a ...

-Dragon!

-Dragon.

-Dragon. And he was very happy.

He was the usual kind of fire-breathing type,

and he had everything he wanted in his life.

He had a toaster which he used in indecent ways,

and a couple of nurses, and you know, all that shit in the front row.

We could call all that back, but I think life's too short.

So right. He was a dragon, he had everything he wanted.

Yes, but there was one thing that really worried him,

and that was his ...

Gimp suit!

Oh, what? Yes? What was the one? What was that? A raft?

Raft. Is that what the girl said, raft?

AUDIENCE CALL OUT

-What?

-She can't hear and I can't talk. We're fucked.

-What did you say?

-Is it the accent or what?

-Roar?

-Roar?

Yeah.

-Oh, my God.

-We're so confused. Let's have another one.

There was one thing that really bothered him and that was his...

AUDIENCE CALL OUT

You asked for them all to call out.

I know, and they do it simultaneously and I can't hear a thing.

God, my ears are fluff. I don't stand a chance.

One more. I'm going to ask you. What word?

-Haemorrhoids.

-Haemorrhoids. OK, fine.

-Oh, and we're off.

-OK, fine.

So there was one thing that really bothered him

and that was his haemorrhoids.

Right, OK, fine. So the dragon had haemorrhoids?

-Why was that?

-Well, eating too much fiery food.

-OK.

-It's difficult.

It blowed out both ends with fire and they were like molten lava.

-OK, fine.

-Bubbling out.

Fine. Oh, this is disgusting.

And this is the DVD. We've really lowered the tone.

Don't worry about it.

So, right, this dragon had haemorrhoids that worried him.

Yes, desperately worried him. So he decided to kill himself.

So how does a dragon kill himself?

He inhales sharply.

APPLAUSE

OK. So...he's going to kill himself.

Yes. When suddenly his eye fell upon a...

A toenail.

A toenail.

A toenail.

And he thought, "Oh, that's an interesting little artefact.

"An archaeologist might mistake that for something

"and give it to his wife."

So what did he do?

Well, he wondered for a minute, "How can that toenail cure my issues?"

So he used it to cure his haemorrhoids.

He lampooned them one at a time and ...

AUDIENCE GROANS

-That's disgusting.

-And he lived happily ever after.

Thank you very much. The end.

-Monkey!

-APPLAUSE

I don't know why you act so shocked. It comes from your sick mind.

-No, it doesn't!

-I'm going to do one more.

Once upon a time in a land far away there was a...

-Unicorn.

-A unicorn.

A unicorn. And he had everything he wanted in his life.

He was excited, he had a lovely horn and everything was good.

But there was one thing that really worried him and that was his....

PEOPLE CALL OUT

-His what?

-His soft-on.

His soft-on?

Oh, Jesus, I really don't want this to be so dirty.

Guys, guys, I know it's Saturday night, but calm down.

Monkey, you're the filthiest monkey we know.

OK, his soft-on worried him.

So he decided to kill himself.

So, dear me. So how does a unicorn kill himself?

He turns his horn inward.

Right, OK.

And, yes, he was going to do that, because the soft-on wasn't working.

What is a soft-on?

It's something that happens to men, not unicorns.

Unicorns are fine mythical beasts.

They don't have that kind of shit to worry about.

So he was going to kill himself.

When his eye fell upon a... Not you.

His eye fell upon a...

-Viagra!

-Viagra.

And when he took it, his horn grew to ten times its normal size

and suddenly he was king of the unicorns

and he lived happily ever after. The end. Thank you very much.

Monkey, enough of that.

APPLAUSE

-OK.

-Thank you very much.

-Right, you're done now.

-What, so soon?

-Yeah, you're fine. What are you doing?

-What is that?

-What do you mean?

You stuck my hand to the bloody thing. What is it?

-I'm sorry.

-It's Velcro, isn't it?

Look at that.

Come off, the little hand. Come on.

-Just pull it.

-Oh, it's dragging. Oh, look at that.

Oh, catching fluff as it goes.

OK, I'm just going to move that out the way.

Nina, there's a label on my arse.

Yes, I know. Don't worry about it.

It says "Made in Taiwan".

-Doesn't matter.

-And yet I sound like Sean Connery.

-I don't think you do.

-I think he's my dad.

How could Sean Connery be your dad?

I don't know. Maybe he got amorous with another glove.

For heaven's sake.

Right, there we are.

So you're finished. Anything you want to do?

-Who's next?

-Next up is Owl.

Oh, good luck, guys. He's dire.

-He's not dire.

-Yes, he is.

No, it's not true. The last audience really enjoyed his poetry.

For the first hour they did.

-It's not true.

-And then they all left,

except for one lady who stayed...

..cos she was dead!

-Say goodnight, Monkey.

-Goodnight, thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

So next up, we have Owl, and Owl is a different sort of beast.

He lends a different tone to the evening,

-so please give it up for Owl.

-Hello!

Hello, isn't this exciting? What a hoot.

Ha-ha!

Oh, isn't it divine?

Yes, it's very nice here. So what are you going to do?

-I'm going to do a poem.

-Excellent. What's it about?

It's about Sydney.

-Perfect.

-Yes, I've been walking the streets

and soaking up the atmosphere,

looking at the locals and the cafes and the harbour,

and getting a gist of the "je ne sais quoi" that is uniquely Sydney.

-Right.

-And I've written a verse or two. I hope you'll indulge me.

Well, we'd love to hear it.

You've heard it. It's the one I used in Melbourne.

Owl, they're completely different places!

Nina, I can't trot out poetry every time you've got a gig.

I'm an artist. I need the right conditions to create.

-Well, what do you need?

-You know, a high perch,

classical music, literature.

I could give you a dead mouse.

That'll do.

OK. So if I give you a dead mouse,

have you got a poem that'll work for here?

Yes, I've got one that'll work for anywhere.

-OK, good.

-Can you get it? It's in my t'lon.

-Is this it?

-Yes.

-Your t'lons?

My t'lons.

-Your talons?

-T'lons.

I can't get it. Can you let go?

No, physically it's tricky.

OK. Oh, dear, you've really screwed it up.

Already? Shall I go?

No, I mean how am I going to read this writing?

Sorry, it's my t'lons.

-How will we do it, Owl?

-A line each.

-OK.

-With feeling.

It's called A Poem For Anywhere.

See, it'll work for anywhere.

OK, fine. And it's by Leonard.

That's me.

You all thought I was a lady, didn't you?

Well, I'm sexually ambivalent, as it happens.

I like Anthony Callea. Is that wrong?

OK, A Poem For Anywhere.

-It's a wonderful rare privilege...

-To be here in "name of city"

-The people here are friendly...

-And the sea/river is pretty.

-We love your weather...

-It is sunny and hot.

-Except on those occasions...

-When it's not.

-This is our favourite place...

-It gives us much good cheer.

It's much, much, much, much better than...

Insert name of rival town here.

Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

-OK.

-Oh, I do like her.

-Who?

-The one right in front of me.

-Oh, do you work for a living?

-I do.

-What do you do, darling?

-I work at a call centre.

-At a call centre.

-Isn't that every girl's hope and dream?

Oh, I'll stalk you there.

I'll hover over your work day and night

and when you finally come out I'll shit on your head.

Why would you do that?

Oh, I don't know. Love makes fools of us all.

-What did you say?

-It's good luck.

-It's good luck.

-I don't know what that means.

Being shit on by a bird.

Oh, yeah, to get pooed on by a bird. It's good luck.

Oh, well, good. I'll do it lots, then.

Well, I'm going to end on a poem.

All right, fine.

-It's serious.

-Oh, bloody hell.

This world of ours is changing

Pollution is worse and the war is raging

All we want is money and fame

Who cares for the sick, the dying and the lame?

The earth is dying of global warming

Will anyone listen to my warning?

But it gives me great solace as I lie in bed

To think, "Oh, well, at least Michael Jackson's dead."

Oh, my God, that's awful!

-What's wrong?

-No, no, no, that's not good.

-They liked it.

They didn't like it. They reacted with shock.

No, I was trying to be edgy.

It doesn't suit you.

Oh, am I in disgrace?

-Yes, you are.

-Oh, woe is me.

-Back in there?

-Yes.

-What a hoot.

-OK, say goodnight.

-Goodnight, thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

And now it is a great pleasure to introduce you all to my granny.

Who I keep in a sports bag.

All right, Gran.

Oh, she's based on my actual own granny who lived in Edinburgh.

-Gran?

-Yes, dear?

-Coming out?

-Right you are, dear.

Come on, get your head up.

Oh, that's lovely, dear!

Oh, fresh air.

-Yes, let's get you out.

-Oh, lovely.

-There's your arm.

-One arm. Terrific.

-Have I got another?

-Yes, it's here.

Lovely. On Nina, the elbow bends the other way, dear.

Sorry.

OK. Oh, look, I've got a finger that points.

Hello! Where am I pointing, dear?

Wee dirty mark on the stage, dear.

OK, let's get your legs out. There's one.

Oh, lovely. Is that the left or the right?

-I don't know.

-Oh, the anticipation!

-OK, here we go.

-Oh, it's the right. Lovely. Two legs.

Happy days, dear. Happy days.

So I'm going to let the bag fall.

-Right you are, dear.

-Just let it go.

Yes, glad to be alive, dear.

-Just let it go.

-Happy days. Oh.

-Well, that's a terrible feeling.

-What?

When something falls out your backside. Oh, dear.

OK, so you happy now?

-Yes, very comfortable. Who are you?

-I'm Nina.

She follows me everywhere! Whenever I'm here, you're here, dear.

Yes. Well, never mind. There's a reason for that.

So, who have we got here? Has Monkey humiliated the front row?

Oh, you know. Maybe a little bit.

-I like that man there. That one.

-Which one?

He's got his hands together.

-What's your name, dear, in the front

-row? Michael.

Michael is his name.

Oh, I love him. You're my idea of heaven.

Michael, would you join me on the stage for a minute?

-Come on, dear.

-He says no, he doesn't want to.

-No.

-No, he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to.

-That's fine.

-I'll have to choose someone else.

Who have we got down here? You with the beard. I like you.

-What's your name?

-Chris.

Chris is his name. Oh, you were looking at two.

Use the finger, dear.

You, dear. Would you join me on the stage, Chris?

-OK.

-Give a round of applause for Chris, thank you.

Oh, you're up here. Excellent, dear.

Thank you so much.

Now, would you stand on the other side of me?

That's nice and symmetrical, see. No sense of stagecraft at all.

What do you do, dear?

-I'm a dance instructor.

-He's a dance instructor.

Oh, I heard that from inside the bag. That's lovely.

Oh, aren't you lovely? You're not wearing your spandex tonight?

No, a day off from the spandex. That's excellent.

So, ah, you remind me of my late husband.

-I do? The beard?

-Is it the beard?

No, it's the look of well-meaning reluctance that you've got,

that my husband wore for most of our marriage.

Well, I wouldn't say he looks reluctant.

No, you look lovely,

and I'm so grateful for you joining me on stage, dear.

I love the leather. Is it real? No? Is it?

Yes. And the jumper, you don't need to iron it, do you?

Excellent. Right now, if it's OK with you, dear,

I'd like to channel my late husband through you.

-Is that all right?

-Great. Excellent.

-OK. So...

-How do we do it?

-I have to summon him up.

-He's here?

-He's always here, dear.

Tell us a little about him. What was his name?

-Frank.

-Frank, and what was he?

-A comedian, dear.

-OK. What did he do?

Jokes, dear. Jokes. Not like you, dear.

Lots of very topical jokes all about the war,

and then, sadly, the war ended.

But you don't have to tell jokes.

I'm just going to channel him through you.

OK, so how is this going to work?

Frank? Frank?

I'd like you to enter this gentleman here, in any manner you see fit.

On the count of three. One, two, three, shoo!

Oh, did something happen?

-I feel a bit weird.

-He feels a bit weird.

Oh, that's... Is that a usual state for you to be in?

-No.

-No? OK, good.

-Excellent. I think he's in.

He slips in like a thief in the night.

OK, so...

I'll ask a couple of questions to verify that Frank is in you, OK?

These are questions that only Frank knows the answers to,

and the first thing that comes into your head,

that is Frank talking through you. Is that OK?

-OK.

-Go ahead then, Gran.

What is my maiden name, Frank?

Just the first thing that comes in. The first thing.

-White.

-That's right. White.

Is that right?

Yes, that was my maiden name. Excellent, dear, that's wonderful.

It's quite a common name, so perhaps you were bluffing.

I'll ask another question. You've got a tattoo, Frank.

-What's that of?

-An anchor.

-An anchor.

-It's true indeed.

Frank had an anchor just plunging down towards

the crack of his backside.

A determined-looking thing it was. Heavy, too.

Right. So do we know that Frank's here?

We know that Frank is here. And now can you just tell me,

where did you put the key to the spare room, dear?

Because I haven't seen the cat for months.

-Where is it, dear?

-I think I put it in the teapot.

He thinks he put it in the teapot.

Well, that... I know it's you now

because that's a stupid place to put it.

That sounds exactly like you, Frank, you halfwit.

OK, thank you so much. That seemed to work rather well.

Right, now I know that Frank is here, I'd like to show you all

that Frank and I have got telepathic communication.

-Right. How do we do that?

-Get the...

What?

Will you get the blindfold, dear?

Yes. OK, I'm going to have to bend down.

Oh, no. Oh, no, dear.

Help me. Oh, heaven's above.

-Are you all right?

-Oh, I got to know myself very well then.

OK, so I've got...

You're doing so well, dear. I love you, dear.

So, what do I do? Explain to everyone what you want.

Nina's going to put the blindfold on me,

then you're going to hold up a certain amount of fingers...

LAUGHTER

..and I'll tell you all how many he's holding up.

Right.

Telepathically.

OK, it's going on.

-Oh, I can still see a wee bit, dear.

-And there, is that good?

Yes, that's good. Oh, dark as death itself, dear.

-Happy days.

-OK, so you...you can't see?

No, but I saw you then. OK, get him to do the thing with the finger.

Can you hold up your fingers so everyone can see?

-He's doing it now.

-Is he doing it? Can everyone see?

Has he done it to all the sides?

I think that everyone can see.

Was it...four?

APPLAUSE

-Amazing.

-Thank you. Thank you.

We'll take it off.

Every time, a success!

Never once have I failed, dear.

-OK, now, Nina, it's your turn.

-No, no, I can't do that.

-Go on, dear.

-But, Gran, I'm not telepathic.

Well, I am. I'll help you out, dear.

-OK.

-What's that noise, dear?

I don't know. I think somebody's opening some sweets or something.

Oh, you know you're really rocking the gig

when you can hear someone opening some sweets, dear.

Enjoy them, dear. I'd love one, but I've got no teeth.

So, I'm going to put this on. This isn't going to work at all.

Go on, dear. Hurry up.

I've got a horrible feeling that once

I put this on you're not going to be telepathic any more.

All right, now, dear, over there, there is a notepad and a pen.

Can you get that for me, dear?

Is he getting it?

I've no idea.

He says he's got it. He's got it.

Oh, that's nice verbal communication, dear.

Excellent. I wasn't sure you were even still on the stage.

OK, so now what?

Now I'd like you to write a wee word on that notepad.

Any word from your mind. Anything at all.

Doesn't have to be dance related.

Pirouette or shimmy, or...

As long as it's large so that everyone can see.

-Is he doing it?

-Let's hope so, dear.

-Are you doing it?

-Yeah.

Can I see, dear? Can you show me, dear?

Nina, look away.

What's the point?

-Are you showing it to me, dear?

-Yes.

Yes!

-He's showing it to you. OK.

-Show everyone so they can all see.

LAUGHTER

They laughed when they saw it, dear. That's a clue.

-Well, I don't know.

-OK, dear, tell them what it says.

-I don't know, Gran.

-Just give it a guess.

"Toaster"?

Oh, maybe. No, no, judging from that woman, no, it wasn't right.

OK, give another guess.

Um, "unicorn"?!

No, I don't think so, dear. Just go through all the words you know.

We'll get it by a process of elimination.

No, Gran, this is hopeless.

Ach! Oh, dear. Show it to me again.

Ach, I'm none the wiser, dear.

We could be here for ever.

-Ach, you stupid arse.

-What?

-"Arse", dear. It's "arse".

-Is it?

-Yes, take it off. I said it. It's "arse".

-Was it?

-Yes.

-Was it?

Yes, it was, dear.

Well done. Thank you so much. Was your name Chris?

Oh, that... that was interesting. He shook my hand and I shook my head.

Nina got a little confused then, didn't you, dear?

Thank you so much, Chris.

You can drop that and take a bow, and let's hear it for Chris.

-APPLAUSE

-Well done, dear. Well done.

Well done. Thank you so much.

-OK, Gran.

-Right now I'd like to phone a hotel in Adelaide.

Can you get the phone call on the way?

Yes, well, I'll explain what you're going to do.

We're going to Adelaide, you know, just for fun.

Just for kicks, not for shows.

And I'm going to phone my wee hotel

to make sure they have my specifications.

Are you phoning them, dear?

Oh, here we go, here's the dial tone. This is a live phone call.

You don't have to tell them that, dear.

It's obvious from the symbolic nature of the thing.

Listen to the dialling. It's like a chimpanzee with a phone.

Yeah, it's ringing now.

'Good evening.'

Did you say hello dear?

'Hello?'

Oh, hello. Are you a hotel?

-'Yes.'

-Can you hear me OK?

'Yes, yes, I can.'

OK. Now listen, dear, you sound like a wee mouse. I love you, dear.

I just want to know, when I come to your hotel,

will someone help me get out the bag?

'Sorry, what would you like? I can't hear.'

I want to know, if I come to your hotel,

can someone help me get out the bag?

'Get a what, sorry?'

Oh, this is going well.

Can someone help me get out the bag?

-'Oh, get out the bag.'

-Yes, dear. Yes.

'No... But we do have a lift for you.'

A lift?

'Or we can put you on the ground floor.'

-You could put me on the ground floor, dear?

-'Yes.'

Yes, but inside the bag I won't have much fun.

Ach, never mind. It's OK, dear. Do you have room service, dear?

'Yes, we do. When are you looking for?'

When? Er, well, I don't know when I'll be hungry yet, dear.

I'm not there. I'm not there yet, dear.

Actually, I don't really eat a thing. It's messy when I eat.

'So, if you seriously want to make a booking, I can help you.

'If you're playing on the phone, we've got the record here.

'I can hear. We've got a record for the phone.'

What the hell's wrong with her?

I don't know if you should ...

I couldn't understand that, dear.

-HOTEL RECEPTIONIST HANGS UP

-Oh, no!

Oh, Gran, you were too stupid.

I wasn't stupid, dear. I couldn't hear what she was saying, dear.

-Do another one.

-Really?

-Get another one.

-No, Gran, that's enough.

-No, I'm going to get another one.

Have you got another one?

-DIALLING TONE

-Oh, yeah, clearly.

I'll wait till I get a nice hotel. Frank always said make them wait.

-Was that his comedy rule?

-Yes. I don't think he meant this long.

Phone call number two.

Oh, it's ringing. Happy days.

Glad to be alive.

'Thank you for calling the Mercure Adelaide.

'This is Gab. How may I help you?'

Oh, I just want to know a couple of things, dear.

Have you got room service in your hotel?

-'Yes, we do.'

-Oh, excellent. That's lovely.

I don't eat, but I'll just spread it all over myself.

-Have you got a minibar?

-'Sorry?'

-A minibar, dear, in the room.

-'Yes, we have.'

-Oh, hooray!

Do you think it's large enough for me to fit in?

-'Yes, it is.'

-Oh, that's lovely! You're very amenable, dear.

And are you anywhere near the beach, dear?

'No, unfortunately we are not.'

-Not near the beach.

-No. Well, that's a good thing.

The sand goes in a wee hole in my back

and it never comes out, you see. It's a real pest.

Have you got any shoe polish in the rooms?

-RECEPTIONIST HANGS UP

-Don't go! Don't go, dear!

Oh, hell's bells.

Oh, no.

Get another one, dear.

I'm enjoying it. It's only going mildly successfully

but it's the best fun I've had all night.

No, call it quits. That was two. You get two. That's it. That's it.

OK, dear. Well, can I hypnotise you, dear?

-Why?

-Hypnotise you, dear. It's fun.

-Is it dangerous?

-No, it's easy. I saw it on YouTube.

-OK.

You need to sit down and we'll get the stool.

All right, I have to carry you while I get the stool.

Oh, this is the cruel irony of time.

I remember when I used to carry you, Nina.

Yes, well, there we are.

Is it safe carrying me in those shoes?

-Yes, it is.

-Shoes of a whore.

OK...

-What do I do?

-Focus on something that you find relaxing, dear.

-OK.

Not the exit.

No, I'm just looking ahead.

OK. So what do I have to do?

-Empty your mind, dear, and listen to my words.

-OK.

I'm going to count from three to one.

-And when I get to one, you'll be asleep.

-OK. Nervous!

Three. You are suddenly feeling quite tired.

-Right.

-Two. Your eyes are beginning to close.

Let them close.

One. You are now in a deep level of trance.

Oh!

-What happened?

-I couldn't say a word, dear.

I hadn't thought it through.

Oh, Granny.

-Just get me back in the bag, dear.

-OK.

-Just bundle me in.

-All right.

-Don't stand on ceremony.

-All right.

-I don't want to be a burden to you, dear.

-You wouldn't be.

You can just take me to that nice place in Switzerland, dear.

-What?

-Call Dr Nitschke any time.

Never would, Gran. Never would.

-Are you comfortable?

-Oh, yes, very comfortable. Happy days, dear.

-OK. Are you warm enough?

-Yes, warm as toast.

-OK.

-I've got a wee secret to tell you all.

-What's that?

Underneath this dress I'm actually Robin Williams.

Are you all right?

Yes. I'm worried I'm going to catch my nose on the zip.

Oh, OK. Can you fold your nose?

Indeed I can, dear! Watch this.

Thank you very much. That was Granny.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

Thank you very much!

So, erm, my next puppet... I'll tidy up slightly here.

My next puppet I actually bought from another ventriloquist.

And that's a strange dynamic, you know.

I don't know anything about her history

and she gives me quite a hard time,

but please give a very warm welcome to...Lydia.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Hello, hello. Get rid of this.

-Nina, let me out.

-OK. You all right?

-Yeah. Whoa!

Oh, look, I landed side-saddle, like I'm going to take a dump.

Get that leg over here. This is not demure.

Whoa, there we go. OK, now...

-Are you comfortable?

-Yeah, nearly there. Let's see.

Who we got here?

-Oh, shit.

-OK.

-I don't like it.

-What's not right?

I hate the voice.

-You hate the voice?

-Yeah, I hate the voice.

-What's wrong with it?

I don't like the accent, I don't like the tone,

I don't like the intonation,

the way you make me list things with the hand gesture. It's a cliche.

-Well, what do you want?

-Can you do other accents? Other voices?

-Well, one or two.

-Can you do French?

-Let's have a go.

-SULTRY FRENCH ACCENT:

-OK, Nina, let's see

if this is really French.

Yes, it is not bad, cos I sound like an old man.

-Can you do it higher?

-Higher?

-VOICE GOES HIGHER:

-Higher, Nina. Higher still. Higher.

VOICE BECOMES A SCREECH

Aaah!

Aaaaah!

-VERY HIGH:

-This is more like it.

Sexy like a kitten.

-It doesn't suit you.

-Why not?

-It's too young.

-Ow!

-You flinched before I hit ya.

It was almost like she knew what was coming.

-My last ventriloquist never anticipated a hit.

-I'm so sorry.

And he used to fly me in on a velvet trapeze.

-It was fucking hilarious.

-All right.

-What else you got?

Um, ah, you could try South African.

-SOUTH AFRICAN:

-OK, let's see what that is like.

-No, don't like it. No, Nina, it is not nice.

-It's fine.

No, Nina, I don't like it. I told you not to, and you continue.

Please, I don't like it.

Something else.

Something else, honey.

OK, er, what about Birmingham? British Birmingham?

-BRUMMIE:

-No, I couldn't live like that.

No, that's depressing. No, I don't like it.

OK, so...

Are you from there, sir?

Yes. Oh, it's depressing, isn't it? Ah, forget it.

OK, so what else do you want?

I don't know. Shout out some accents. Let's make this work.

-Australian!

-Give it a go. Australian.

-AUSSIE:

-I don't think I can really do it

without sounding like a parrot!

No, that's not going to do, Nina. Shout 'em out. Keep 'em coming.

-Jamaican!

-Jamaican, Italian, Russian. OK, Jamaican.

-JAMAICAN ACCENT:

-Jamaican?

-Really?

-Jamaican?

Can you say anything other than that?

Jamaican.

All right, OK. Russian?

-RUSSIA:

-Let's see if this is

really, really Russian.

Oh, you like these?

These are real, and the rest of me is plastic.

Any others? What was the other one?

Italian, they said.

-ITALIAN:

-Nina, Nina, Nina.

Nina Conti. You're Italian.

-Well, yeah.

-No, I'm not.

-OK, fine.

-Any others? What were the others?

-What was that?

-Canadian.

-Canadian.

Canadian? What's that?

-Lydia, that's awful.

-What else? What did you say?

Oh, OK. German and Spanish. Do you want to do German?

-GERMAN:

-It would really have been something,

Nina, if you had practised this section.

OK. Indian, someone said over there, and Irish now.

They're queuing up. OK, Indian?

-INDIAN:

-Every time I do Indian

it sounds Welsh.

What was the other one? Irish?

-IRISH:

-Oh, that's lovely and melodious.

Unfortunately, it's boring as shite.

-Any others?

-Mexican.

-Mexican.

-MEXICAN:

-I don't think I can really do it.

-What did you say? What?

-Kiwi.

-Kiwi.

I used that one when I did Australia.

I don't know the fucking difference.

-OK.

-Any others?

-Swedish.

-Is that one of yours?

-No, not really.

Then it's not one of mine.

-Cheating, Lydia.

-Any others?

PEOPLE SHOUT OUT

Oh, I don't know. I can't hear.

Chinese? You want to do that?

-Is it OK to do Chinese?

-Yeah, it's fine.

-OK, I try it.

-CHINESE ACCENT:

-Um, it's quite...

It's quite gentle. But...I don't think it's very accurate.

OK!

Have we got any others? Any heart-burning desires out there?

-Welsh!

-Welsh.

-Every time I do Welsh it sounds Indian.

OK, Nina, what about you do me, I do you. Swap voices.

-Swap voices?

-Yeah, go on, go on. Give it a go.

-THEIR VOICES SWAP

-OK, we can do it.

-Oh, God, that's really weird.

Oh, my God, I don't like what it does to me. It makes me kind of aggressive.

-Yeah, and this is really dull.

-Excuse me? Don't insult who I am. That's who I am.

No, I'm just saying that you've got all these accents

and yet you choose this one for you.

So weird.

Oh, thank you.

My last ventriloquist, I was Hawaiian. It was fucking hilarious.

I need a drink.

-A drink?

-Yeah, there's vodka over there. Can you go over there?

OK. All right.

And I need you to drink it for me.

Nina's got to drink a lot in order for me to feel it.

-Can you, erm...spread your legs?

-Not for you, honey.

Just a tiny bit, cos I want to put the glass there.

I don't want them to get the full eyeful. Tuck that in.

Not since the surgery.

OK. I'm just going to...

-OK. Now, don't knock that over.

-OK, what do you want, a sample?

-No, I...

Lydia, I'm just going to pour the vodka in it, OK?

-OK, be generous.

-Well, just a little bit.

-More than that.

-I haven't even started.

More than that, honey. Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going.

-That's quite a large measure.

-Drink it.

-OK.

-Drink it all down like a good little ventriloquist.

OK... Well, you be quiet while I drink it.

No, I'm not going to be quiet.

I'm going to keep talking until you've drunk the whole goddamn thing right now.

Keep going, Nina.

-Oh, my God.

-Did you do it?

-Yeah, I did it.

Holy shit, she did it! Look at that.

Can you feel it?

Yeah, it's kickin' in. It's coming my way.

Whoa! There, we're havin' fun now.

# Life is a cabaret, old chum! #

Now you can see it. Who wants it? Who wants it?

-Who wants it?

-Lydia, that's awful!

Who wants it? I don't know who I am. Take it.

Lydia, please.

SNORING

Lydia?

Lydia's asleep.

I miss my last ventriloquist.

-Say goodnight.

-Goodnight, schmucks.

That was Lydia. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Now, I'm always on the lookout for the perfect puppet

and I'm going to need a volunteer, but then I have a terrible feeling

that none of you will volunteer, so I might pick on one of you.

-I wonder, could I borrow you? What was your name again?

-Anita.

Anita. Thank you so much. Can we give it up for Anita?

Thank you very much. Do you want to go round the stairs?

Thank you, Anita. Keep coming, all the way over here.

-What do you do?

-I work at a call centre.

You work at a call centre. Yes, we found that out.

OK, I'm going to give you a tiny makeover.

It's, uh...

It's just...

..going to change you very slightly.

Are you comfortable?

SILLY GIGGLY VOICE: Oh, yeah, lovin' it!

HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER

Oh, isn't this classic?

OK. Is that going to fall off your head?

I don't know. No, I don't think so. No, I think it's safe.

-So, erm, are you...

-Ha-ha-ha! What?

-Are you...

-Ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha!

-You've got a funny laugh.

-Ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha...

Oh, my days...

Oh, dearie me.

-That's all right.

-Oh, dear. It's the drugs kicking in.

SQUEALS WITH LAUGHTER

Oh, dear. You're making me cry.

Oh, dear. This is funny but it's so tragic, too.

Oh, I'm loving it, loving it. It's liberating.

-OK. So...

-Ha-ha-ha!

And you... You sound sort of English.

Yes, I am English, yes, yes. Isn't that unusual?

You picked the only English girl in the Australian audience.

OK. Oh, dear. It's very lovely talking to you.

-Yes, the tears are streaming down my face.

-OK...

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-I'm going to divorce you.

-No, she's not!

Oh, dear, only joking. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

OK. So you work in a call centre?

Well, I call it that. It's actually, you know, sexual phone calls.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Yes - "I'm feeling sexy for you now", that kind of thing, yes.

"I'm taking my clothes off", yes. All that shit.

Oh, dearie me, isn't that depressing?

It's not depressing. It sounds great.

"Yes, I've got my friend here.

"She's coming round and she's taking her clothes off now, too."

-Right, OK. I see.

-"Yes, and we're both very horny for you", that kind of thing.

Makes millions and millions of Australian dollars.

Does it? Well, that's wonderful.

I've had a lovely time tonight, Nina.

Thank you very much.

And I've got something to say to your next volunteer.

-What's that?

-When Nina asks you to join her on stage,

you should do it cos it's the best fun I've ever had.

Thank you very much!

Thank you. You were such a sport.

-Thank you. Tell me what your name was again?

-Anita.

Anita. Give it up for Anita, thank you. Amazing!

Oh, dear me.

How brilliant.

Can I borrow you on the end?

-What's your name?

-Walter.

Walter. Can we give it up for Walter? Thank you so much.

It's so nice of you to get on stage when I ask you, cos I never would.

This is the same kind of ...

Actually would you stand on that side of me?

I'm going to put this mask on you now.

It's the same principle.

It's just a Velcro strap. Right?

Do you want to do the strap yourself, tighter?

I don't know where your head ends. Is that good?

Are you comfortable?

BIG BOLD VOICE: Oh, yeah!

-Oh, yeah, this is good!

-OK...

Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha.

-You like it?

-Yes, I'm loving it.

-OK.

-Oh, this is fantastic.

OK, great.

Yes, I'm going to be much better than your last volunteer.

-Really?

-Yes, cos I'm going to show you all my dance moves.

Yes, I am! Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes, I am.

-Are you sure?

-Yes, I'm absolutely sure.

-Oh, really?

-Ya-ha-ha.

All my life I've been... Pay no attention to the folded arms.

You were saying?

All my life I've been waiting for a moment like this.

Yes, I think the world is ready to see my dancing.

Oh, dear, OK. Well, you really...

God, your body language suggests you might not want to dance.

No, I really want to!

I can't fucking wait!

It's gonna be so mental.

OK. Oh, dear me. I'm so sorry.

Stop saying that. I'm loving it.

OK... You don't have to dance if you don't want to.

No, I do want to. I really do.

OK, fine.

Just pay no attention to the hands in my pocket.

Ho-ho! They're coming out soon

and it's gonna be the best thing I've ever done.

Right, OK. Fine.

Have you got some music?

-Yes. Would that help?

-It would help immensely.

Hit the music! Hit it, hit it.

LATIN AMERICAN MUSIC STARTS UP

-Do you like this music?

-Yes, this is perfect.

It's absolutely perfect for what I've got in mind.

-OK, brilliant.

-Yes, yes, it's good.

-OK, well, whenever you're ready.

-Yes.

I'll dance at the next, er, section.