Russell Brand's Give It Up Gig for Comic Relief

This programme contains strong language and adult behaviour. I'm

Russell Brand this is Give It Up Gig we are raising money to get

people off drugs and booze. We will be here with Kasabian, Eddie Izzard,

Noel Gallagher, John Bishop will be here. We are doing this because we

wants to take your money to give to drug addicts. Not for them to buy

drugs, to get them off drugs. To donate: your money will help people

affected by drug and alcohol affected by drug and alcohol

addiction right here in the UK. Texts cost �5 plus your standard

network message. We can't do nothing about that standard network

charge. That is standard. That is the network. The whole �5 goes to

Comic Relief. For full terms and Comic Relief. For full terms and

conditions go to: That has deal with a lot of admin. Let's have a

wonderful evening of comedy and rock-and-roll, no drugs though.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the genius

behind Give It Up for Comic Relief, Wembley, give it up for Mr Russell

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Give It Up for

kr. Thank you for being here to support people with drug addiction

and alcohol issues. Very generous of you. Thank you. You will have an

amazing evening tonight. Remember, that all of the performers here,

they are doing it for nothing. No money they are getting. I know

you've paid. That is good, isn't it? Bear that in mind. We have

amazing performance tonight. Simon Amstell will be performing. I just

saw him. Noel Fielding will be here. I will come down here and menace

someone. Who has their phone switched on so I can demonstrate

the manner in which we can give. This lady right at the front. Come

here, darling. What is your name? Bearing in mind, this is on the BBC,

I'm playing with someone's phone, we are already deep into risky

territory. Do you mind... This is to demonstrate how to do this. You

are a viewer at home. You are living your life. Your life is

affected by alcohol, drugs and addiction. Perhaps you are watching

this in a frenzy of cocaine. I know that here at Wembley most people

are on crystal meth right now. We have to get these people clean. We

have to do something. What is your name again? Sara. I forgot I'm so

high. I can't remember a person's name for a matter of seconds. We

would type a 7000 5. How do you do it? I'm out of my depth. Send.

She's done it. That is �5. A round of applause for Sara. Sit down,

darling. The first of our many fantastics acts, giving her time

freely to benefit people less fortunate than herself is the

gifted and beautiful Jessie J everyone.

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$:/STARTFEED. The one thing that I cannot give up? Reality TV.

Celebrity Big Brother. I like blinking me. That was it. It got me.

I think my wife contemplating being in the Beverley Housewives of...

Will I ever be able to give reality Are you having a lovely evening so

far? YES! It's spectacular, isn't it? This is a change of pace for

the evening. Do you remember when you were at school you would have a

police officer come with a little container with different drugs in

it to advise you against ever taking drugs, but you would

actually think, "I can't wait to do that one, I can't wait to do that

one. That look as good one, tell us more about heroin?" We are doing a

version of that now. It's a different tone for the evening. We

wanted a component of information. This will be serious. Please

welcome an official from the New York City Police Department. This

is a genuine police officer with genuine drug information that I

think is going to help us all. Ladies and gentlemen, my names is

Sergeant Raymond Boom Box I'm from the New York Police Department. Hey.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am not a comedian, I'm not a singer. I am

here to warn you of the dangers of drugs. I am here to give you a

strong message. It's very easy, ladies and gentlemen, in the modern

world to lose your way. You, lovely lady, you have a glass of wine with

dinner maybe in a romantic setting, occasionally. You have lost your

way! You sir, over there. You are having like four teas every day,

maybe a lady grey after. You've lost your way, sir. You've lost

your way. Ladies and gentlemen, if you feel you are losing wouraway on

the path to addiction, what you need to do is get a role model. I'm

Russell's role model. He comes to me - how can I be like you? You can

never be like me. You get the point. My role model, ladies and gentlemen,

is Bob Marley. Granted, not a great example of a role model in a

function like this. It's a great man and a reggae legend I love his

mysterious reggae beats. I would love to make a little song for you

now. I've made a little song. I'm from the police force. I don't have

talent like these other guys. I've made a song inspired by my role

model, Bob Marley. We can do it here. It has a poignant message. Do

you fancy doing it with me, ladies and gentlemen? OK. Hit it!

# Don't do drugs # Yeah, can you feel it?

# Don't do drugs # Yeah, come on

# Don't do drugs # Let me hear you.

# Don't do drugs. # You are getting it now, a bit

louder # Don't do drugs.

# Don't do drugs # Because they make you kind of

boring # Don't do drugs

# They use up all your cash # Don't do drugs

# They make you slightly horn # You'll wind up in a bag

# Don't do drugs # They make you a little bit clammy

# Don't do drugs because they make you lose your way

# Don't do drugs... # OK, stop it. As I said, I'm not a

singer or a comedian, I ran out of lyrics there. You guys were great.

Give yourselves a round of applause. APPLAUSE

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, I have to introduce the next band now.

You have been a lovely delightful crowd. I'd love to come in there

and lick all your heads like chop- a-chop lollies. This band I do know

them, I have followed their career like a hawk. They are great guys.

They are like sons to me. They're wonderful. Ladies and gentlemen, I

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know these guyss -- guys. Welcome That was really exciting, Kasabian.

What we need now is I'm going to now bring to the stage a very

brilliant comedian. I need you to sit down, prepare to listen because

he's very insightful, he's very deep. Please welcome the

APPLAUSE Hello. I knew Russell Brand when he

was on drugs. And, I didn't know that he was on drugs. I just

thought he was like a cool guy with a pipe. And I'm really quite

pleased he's not on drugs any more because when we first met he was

hosting a stand-up gig I was the first act on. To get the crowd

warmed up he threw dead mice at them. He got into a fight with a

large man in the front row. To avoid that man said, "please

welcome Simon Amstell." Tonight isn't about blame. Today, tonight,

it's all about getting people off drugs. I don't really know much

about drug use. I don't know much about heroin, but I remember

reading at school a book called To Kill A Mocking Bird. A character in

that knew she was dying. She wanted to give up her addiction to

morphine before that moment. I remember thinking - what a stupid

thing to do. If I knew I had two months to live, one of the things I

would take up would be morphine. I had it for an operation. It's like

a hug from inside. It feels like love, but with none of the bother.

You wouldn't give it up. You would say, double me the more fin and

bring me atikissFinch. They have been going for 25 years, you know.

They have raised �800 million. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And yet, it isn't enough! Is it just that the problem of poverty is

so complicated that just throwing money at it endlessly won't solve

it? Well, yes, but do keep throwing your money text GIVE to 7005. Thank

you very much. Have a good night. This evening continues to yield to

us. Welcome the man who continues to be controversial, it's Jason

Manford. Hello. Good evening. Lovely. Hello, Wembley. How are

you? Good. What a pleasure to be here. Comic Relief I couldn't have

picked a worse titled event to turn up at this week. God bless you. I

brought my family tonight. My parents are here somewhere. It's

Mother's Day of course on Sunday. That made sense, I thought a free

trip out. Mother's Day sorted. Be careful where you go. I was walking

down the high street a few days ago in the shop windows sthre the signs

up, "don't forget Mother's Day" everyone has got them. All the card

shops have them much I walked past Ann Summers, there is a poster in

the window that says, "don't forget Mother's Day this Sunday" I felt

like going in and saying, this is not a day for you! Nobody has come

home and said, "mum, I got you some love balls." That has never

happened. That is a weird shop. Down stairs someone will get hurt.

My brothers are here. My brother is not the brightest. He will be the

first to tell you. I played football with him a while ago, he

brought a brand new pair of shin pads. He opened them up and looked

disappointed. I said what is wrong with you, "one is a large and one

is a regular" I said I think that is left or right. His wife is a

primary school teacher. She works very hard. He is always moaning

about stuff that is going on with the youth of today, like. He said,

he come back one day and said, "have you heard what is going on at

her school?" I said, "no" they have new thing called "sandwich

punishment punishment." Six-year- olds are not getting proper

bollockings any more. Imagine that during the London riots, "put that

telly down" but, "it is the best range, good choice." I said, give

me an example. You get the kid, you are good at colouring in, I will

give you that. Then, you are a little shit. Then there is a pause

and, your mum is quite fit, off you go. My brother came in and said,

mum, dad, I'm going to Australia. He finished university, I'm out of

here. My dad said why, what is wrong with Manchester? He said, I'm

going to Australia, dad. I have to find myself. He said, you want to

find yourself a job. He said, you can't stop me I'm going to

Australia to find myself. What if you find yourself and he's a

dickhead, what are you going to do again? That is one of my favourite

words, dickhead. Not as good as knobhead. It's a proper northern

word. They don't use it much in London. It's weird because there

are lots of them here. APPLAUSE

You have a brilliant line-up. Fantastic line-up. Are you having a

good night so far? YES! I hope you will give it up for your next act.

We will start a massive round of applause and build it up. That's

what we should do. Let's start. Keep going. We have the Rizzle

Kicks coming on very shortly. I've been Jason Manford, good night and

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The line-up is absolutely ridiculous. Thank you. Thank you so

much. �5, �5. Good evening. Are you enjoying your self-so far? -- your

self so far? Weren't they beautiful? I want to talk to you

about something which is really important to me. One of the reasons

why Comic Relief and I wanted to do this concert is because when Amy

Winehouse died, a year or so ago, God love her, I had. Very sad, of

course. I had a realisation about the sadness and futility of her

death. More importantingly than that, I realised the disease of

addiction and alcoholism can be arrested with the correct treatment

one day at a time. When I was drinking and using drugs there was

something that weren't right about. It it made me a little unwell. I

was doing it because I felt sad and lonely inside. I think Amy

Winehouse was doing it for the same reason. I think that is why we lost

them. The reason the performers are giving their time for few and

entertaining us is because they believe in this cause. If the

information is there, if we regard addiction, alcoholism not as a

criminal issue, but as a health issue we can help more people to

get better. All of the money raised by you tonight, both at home and

present here, will go to the people that are affected by this condition.

Amy Winehouse was a catalyst. Her death, while very sad, need not be

in vain if we use it to raise awareness and money. The Amy

Winehouse Foundation let us put together this tribute film. Please

any of you here who have further resources of generosity please text

70005 the word "give" we will get �5. Let's commemorate the wonderful

life and genius of Amy Winehouse. Thank you very much. I can confirm

that the the deceased is Amy Winehouse. Struggled with drink and

drug problems. Well above the level that can be fatal. I was born in

North London. Yeah, I'm a jazz singer. I thought everyone could

sing. I didn't think it was that special, really. Then, I heard my

mum sing one day and it became apparent that not everyone can sing.

I just do what I love, you know. I'm lucky I have been able to do

that. # Stroke my hand... #

The winner of the Best British Female, Amy Winehouse! Thank you

very much. I'm just glad my mum and dad are here, to be honest.

# My tears dry on their own... # A truly amazing voice, Amy

Winehouse. Amy Winehouse won five Grammy Awards. She dominated a show

crowded with superstars. I want to go out and have fun. I ain't

bothered really. I'm enjoying myself. She is one of British

music's brightest tall wepbts a reputation for hard-drinking --

talents with a reputation of hard- drinking. There wasn't anything

that would have told us this was going to happen. The singer, Amy

Winehouse, has been arrested and is being questioned on suspicion of

drug offences. Dogged by rumours of drug and alcohol abuse. She was

booed off stage in Birmingham after what was described as a shambolic

performance. She has been forced to cancel more gigs after she was

treated in hospital for severe exhaustion. She would say to me, I

will always tell you the truth dad. If you don't want to know, don't

skfplt I would ask about the drugs. I asked her about the drugs and the

drinking which she was conkering -- conquering. Amy was about one thing,

that was love. We are devastated. I'm speechless. An inquest heard

she died after drinking a large quantity of alcohol. Well above the

level that can be fatal. Those who lived with the ups and downs and

successes and addictions. I was drinking a lot. Having a good time.

I was just doing one destructive Your money will help people with

drug and alcohol addiction here in That was a wonderful film about Amy,

wasn't it? Whilst it is very sad to recall those events, the feeling it

gives you in your tummy we can convert that into postivity by not

feeling apathy or leather gi, but it's something that we can

effectively amend with our own conduct. Text the word "give" to

70005. What better way to transition the atmosphere from one

of sombreness and sadness at the loss of a great genius than with

the introduction of another one. Please, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the stage, perhaps our greatest living stand-up comedian,

Eddie Izzard. Wembley, Wembley, Wembley. Very

good to be here. How to start? Ah... Human sacrifice. Now, human

sacrifice we know we did it, we are not doing it now so much. We know

we did it way back. We sacrificed our brothers and our sisters for

Gods, we did it for Gods. We don't didn't do it not for Gods. People

weren't going - I like spoons. I would like more spoons. Maybe if I

kill Steve... I would get more spoons. I wish I did logic at

school. Steve, are you busy? Taking the axe down the aqua park. Put

your head on that tree stump. Why? To see if we can hear steam trains

from the future. Just do it... Charles I. A line very rarely used

in stand-up. He was the King of England. He was what we called a

kickhead King. We cut his head off. He said he was appointed by God. We

cut his head off, nothing happened. So, apparently, not. If he had been

appointed by God his execution would have sounded like this. Bong,

bong, bong. Hang on a minute. Dong, pong. I think he is appointed by

God, lads. Charles I. He got his appointment by God. 450 years after

the Magna Carter was signed. The beginnings of democracy in the

world. Magna Carter signed in 1215, just before lunchtime. It is Latin

for the big card. And the Barons of England they forced bad King, happy

bifrt day all the Barons. I promise to give you some of my power. You

will play the bad guy in the Robin Hood movies. Who is playing the

good guy? Sean Connery. Who played Richard the Lion Heart. He was

maybe the greatest English King that had been. The David Beckham of

Kings. A statue of him outside the Houses of Parliament with a big

sword. Great Waror all that stuff. English as English, he spoke French,

actually. That is what he spoke.he was going around going - IN FRENCH

ACCENT I like all you English people, very nice. I'm very good

atifyinging. I could kill you. Run at me with a banana, I could kill

you. I'm pretty good at that. How strange. We had 3 00 years of

French-speaking kings. Here is a story boo my ego. Shows how healthy

it is. Wembley, this place right here, I have a relationship with.

It I have played it 10 times. I was a street performer and worked up to

play at Wembley. I love this barn of a place. A few months ago I came

here to see Jesus Christ Superstar. A musical. Die Hard the musical,

maybe I would see that. # Where are my detonators?

# I need my detonators... # I don't know if it would work, I

would watch it. We went back in a taxi from here from Wembley into

the centre of town. I'm getting to the point about egg e. Taxi driver

gets into The bright lights of the centre. He said, will you go back

to Wembley. I took it in a different way. He said, will you go

back to Wembley. I said, I think I will go back to Wembley. I have to

go to Wembley. I struggled to hard to get to Wembley. It's right and

proper I should return, don't you? I think it's my duty. It is my

right. There will always... This is true. I was going off on one. He is

going, what the lock is he talking about. Here is my card, I knock off

at 3.00 am. I can give you a lift back. Tonight, no, no. I thought...

Who are you talking to? I was talking to another guy out the

window! My ego is dangerously healthy. I'm driving a Volvo Hubris.

Wisdom. We need to be... The ancient Greeks had an idea of being

fit of mind and fit of body. If you could be wise before you die, that

was good. Pipes were an amazing thing. You could have a pipe. You

were suddenly wise. You said wise things. That is a good point. I

have a big book on. That I will look that up on the internet. You

said wise stuff. Now, the Lord of the Ring that is is a pipe-smoking

film. Wise stuff happens. We must take the Ring of Power and put it

into the Mount of Doom. Who will take it? I'm but half the man. I

will take the Ring of Power to the Mount Doom. Who will come? I'm a

dwarf. It's all pipes. Can you imagine Lord of the Rings done with

cigarettes? It's an entirely different film. It's, what are you

talking about. I'm not taking that ring to that locking mountain. No-

one will notice you. You go, you are a wizard. You have a big hat.

You die and come back to life. I've seen the book. It's got a huge eye

on fire, revolving over the locking mountain. You locking. My dad say,

never go to mountains that have huge revolving eyes over them.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Don't forget to text.

Text GIVE, to 70005. Thank you very much for being here. It's a good

cause. Good night. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Nicole

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You have that kind of anticipation. Quite excited. Then you get there

and you're shopping. It feels fantastic. When you stop shopping

you just feel really guilty. It got me into trouble with my mum and dad,

when I was younger. With my husband, quite frequently and with the bank

as well. Not good for you. It makes you feel great. I can't imagine a

time when I won't want to shop, not Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an

incredible evening. Give it up so far, please now urge to welcome

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with all your mighty hearts, the $:/STARTFEED. Thank you so much.

Text 70005 to donate �5 to Comic Relief. Thank you so much, have a

good evening. Good night. Imagine being a mum to three boys who you

love to bits and who you would do absolutely anything for. For them,

life just does not run smoothly. This is Cathy's story. My name is

Cathy. I live in Derry, Northern Ireland, I have three sons. Emmitt

was an outgoing child. He was street wise. He took up boxing. He

was All Ireland Champion. Emmitt I didn't realise was on drugs. I

thought his problem was alcohol. What I didn't know was he was

taking prescription drugs. The like. The phone rang and one of his so-

called mates kept shouting down the phone, "he's not breathing." My

heart started to pound much I thought something was wrong here.

We went to a flat. The ambulance men were working on him. They took

him out. I knew she was dead then. I knew it. It was heartbreaking to

see them carrying the coffin down the street. Sorry. It just kind of

brings it all back. When I was younger, I had a drink and drug

problem and when I was in real trouble and I really needed help, I

got lucky. I got it. It probably saved my life. But emmitt wasn't so

lucky. He lost his. I don't think that Cathy and her family will ever

ever get over it. Cathy's been so brave sharing her story with us.

She's done it because she doesn't want any other parents to have to

go through the same agony. Please, text the word "give" to 70005 to

donate �5. It really will make a difference. Thank you. Your money

will help people affected with drug and alcohol addiction right here in

and alcohol addiction right here in the UK. Texts cost �5 plus your

standard network message charge. The whole �5 goes to Comic Relief.

You must be 16 or over. Ask the bill payers permission. For more

bill payers permission. For more information go to: Ladies and

gentlemen, we have our suspicions they are intox gaited. This

gentleman has never tried a drug, as far as we know, unless it's

brilliance. Welcome to the stage, Jimmy Carr everyone. Thank you very

much. Hello. Hello. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, Wembley. That was nice, it's nice to be here in my

home down of -- town of London. When I'm away from home I get love

sick. They call it chlamydia. I tell you who I blame for all the

drugs in schools, the supply teachers! How do you they get so

many drugs into prisons. I guess they are smuggled in by some

loophole. The pubs retired. He has pulled out early - typical Catholic

-- Pope. Sure, sure, why not. Treat yourselves. The first few weeks of

joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet. I told that

joke, it is only a joke, it is a bit of fun. I told that joke and a

larger lady came up to me after the show. Larger lady, is that the

right term a fattyboombatty. She came up to me. She surrounded me.

do you think I feel? I said, squiggy. It's difficult, gentlemen,

it's difficult to get the first kiss right. You want to be firm,

but gentle. You want to be manly, you don't want it wake her up.

Let's hear it from the ladies. Give me a shout out all the ladies in

the room. You sound in good voice. Do you think you are easy to live

with, ladies? YES. This will be educational and fun. I will tell

you how easy you are to live with a couple of simple questions. Are you

up for this, yes? YES. I will tell you how easy you are to live with.

Ladies, have you ever met a gay man? YES. Have you noticed how

happy homosexual men are? How joyful and carefree of life gay

dudes dudes tend to be? YES. What is missing from their lives? YOU! I

had a classic pub conversation the other day. I was in the bar... Have

you had this conversation. If you had to sleep with a guy, who would

it be. Have you had that conversation. You haven't? I will

tell you how it goes. You are in a pub with the mate, relaxing having

a lovely time. Ourfriend says - if you had to sleep with a man who

would it be. I wouldn't. If you had to. I wouldn't. It wouldn't be

anyone. If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be? I wouldn't

know. If you had to... Well I wouldn't. If you had to who would

it be? Well. Poof. I saw a woman on the news in her flooded kitchen

crying. I thought, crying is not helping. I know I don't sound that

charitable. I'm here this evening. I don't sound like a chartable man.

Let me tell you this, I'm not blowing smoke up my own... 10p from

the sale of everyone every one of my DVDs go towards the poor

children of Cambodia who manufacturer them. They do a good

job. We are here this evening to raise money to get Russell Brand

back on drugs. If you want to help this very worthy cause please text

"give" to 70005 to donate �5. Now, the wonderful and talented Jake

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Thank you very much, have a good I cannot live without quantum

dynamics. Shopping. At university having to solve a very complicated

equation about how protons bounce off each other. I used to pick and

choose anything I wanted from this catalogue. Exhilarated? You have

that anticipation. Quite excited. Then you get there and you're

shopping. It feels fantastic. When you stop shopping you just feel

really guilty. It has got me into trouble with my mum and dad, when I

was younger. With my husband, quite frequently. And, with the bank as

well. Not good for you. It makes you feel great! I find that it is

highly inappropriate to talk about it or engage in calculations based

on them when having sex. I can't imagine a time when I won't want to

shop. Not an option. I don't think I will be able to ever give up even

if it become as problem beyond the bedroom because I think it really

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Thank you. Wasn't Paloma Faith beautiful and delightful really?

What a sexy individual. Ladies and gentlemen, something wonderful is

about to hurtle into your consciousness. Get ready to

escalate your joy as this evening reaches its climax. Welcome to the

stage, the fantastic, Doc Brown. He Hi. Kiss off. What's up Wembley?

This is an honour for me to do something like this for Comic

Relief. I try to do as many gigs as I can for charity. Especially, if

the money is, you know, good. In fact, you won't know this, it's an

emotional one as well, Comic Relief, for me. Backstage you won't know

this, we have a bunch of TV screens. You constantly see the emotional

adverts. The harrowing ads, heartbreaking. I saw one with Lenny

Henry for Premier Inn. This charity thing, it is nothing new to me.

Before comedy I worked a lot with difficult teenagers, doing music

workshops. Some of those areas that state agents might refer to

"vibrant." We bonded me and these kids through rap music. I was

amazing to see how their aggression, their anger they channeled it to

inspire their lyrics. We could be together in a workshop, right,

discussing the relationship between young people and like the police.

These kids, honestly, they would explode into verse, incredible.

Like # Check this out, yo, yo

# I just want to live my life # But feds keep watching me

# Yeah every second man police are clocking me

# So many times I get this in a day # Somebody tell me why they

discriminate # I'm on my way to a weed sale

# Got the drugs in the car # By the knife, no seatbelt

# Yeah, no wing mirror # No licence

# My nephew taught me how to drive this

# Cocaine and a big glass of rum # Shoot my gun in the air through

the sun roof # Oh, man, I don't believe this

# Prejudice policeman, what's the reason!

# My gun, my knife, my drugs you want to take

# My book leg DVDs you confiscate # Now I can't drink and drive

# Why won't these pigs let me live my life... #

Cheers, thank you very much, Cheers, thank you very much,

If I'm being really honest about it, it's biscuits and milk. Any

biscuits, it doesn't matter what they are. I can't pinpoint a

specific moment, it would have been from a very young age. I've loved

milk as long as I can remember. First my mother's of course. A top

quality provider of milk. She didn't charge. I feel safe. I feel

home. It's important the milk is chilled. It can't be room

temperature. Comfort and security and warmth with biscuits and milk.

At the same time, like any drugs, Russell, if you have too many of

them, they're bad for you. You have to control the biscuits. Don't let

Just when you think there can't be any more excellence upon the stage,

I have the opportunity to welcome our last comic of the evening. Huh!

What are you saying, our last comic tonight, the beautiful, the human,

the cheeky, ladies and gentlemen you are going to love him, you

already love John Bishop everyone. Thank you. Thank you, Wembley. How

are you? Good. I've got to be honest with you, I've been watching

the gig all night. Coming on last is like being a plumber in a porn

film. You know, by the time I've come on, you're all spent. You've

done all you want to do. You are wiping the mess off your chest

because there has been a girlie orgy, I want to come on and deliver

my lines about fixing your boiler. Have you enjoyed this evening?

I think this evening has been brilliant, but before we move on,

there's - because I'm on as the last of the speakers, as it were,

I'm the last one with an opportunity to do this. This gig

was put together by Russell Brand, who I've never met before tonight.

Like a number of people in this room, every time I've seen him on

the telly I have thought he's a bit of a cock. He is a little bit too

long. Speak as little bit too much. He is a little bit too handsome.

Like most men though, he has flagged too many weapons of mass

destruction. However, I met him tonight, not only is he all of

those things he is also a wonderful, beautiful person who thinks he's

not something... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who thinks he's not something often spoke about. When it is it is spoke

in ignorance. You will see people say, see that fella drunk shouting

at buses drinking Special Brew sat in his own wee. He wants to be like

that. That guy injecting himself into the only vein he can find in

his cock wants to be like thasm he would rather be an addict than an

estate agent. That is was not the best option. It's not a option but

it takes someone brave to put on a gig like this. Put your hands

together for Russell Brand. Having said that, it is only putting on a

gig. I did a lot more locking than that, to be perfectly honest for

you. No, thank you. I did something last year for Sport Leaf. I have to

be -- sport Relief, I have to be honest with you I won't do it again.

Don't clap. I won't do it again not that I found out those Africans

don't buy DVDs, lock them. I'm not saying you can't buy my DVDs in

Africa, you can. You can only get them in Somalia, they are all

pirates. Come on, it's 11.00pm. You have to smile. Locking hell, that

is gold dust that is. Also, I have to remind you as well to do

something that is really important. Don't forget to get your phone out,

those who haven't done it, can do it now. Get your phone out and text,

text the word "give" to 70005. I'm saying that. I went to a gig a few

years ago to watch U2. Bono was on. He was on the stage. If you have

been to a U2gig. He is electric. He is on the stage. He drops to his

one knee. He looked at everyone and said, "do you want to end poverty?"

I was in Man City's ground we were watching it. We said, of course we

do. He said, "if you want to end poverty text this number now." A

number came up. We got our phones out. It was amazing to see all the

phones, like stars in the crowd. Everybody texted the number. Bono

got up, the Edge started playing. The other two lads who came with

them, they did what they do. Bono turned round and sang a few songs

and said, all these people, you sent a text you ended poverty. We

thought, if it was that easy I would have done it yesterday. What

was brilliant all the names of those who texted came over the top.

They were told to text their own name. All of a sudden you could see

everyone getting their phone out and going, "Billy is a wanke." We

have another message for someone who couldn't be here. I want you to

listen to the words of the only spaceman who is allowed to live on

I happen to look through the menu of the phone it had a game there

Brick Breaker seemed pretty innocent. The feeling of shame

really. I would spend a loft time in the toilet just sat there, not

actually using the toilet for what it was meant to be used for. So I

was somewhere quiet to be able to play the game. Every session would

go on for at least an hour-and-a- half. Basically, a lot of my life

went out of the wend owe. -- window. I'm kind of four years clean. The

way I gave up Brick Breaker I had to give up the phone. If only other

depend cyst were so easy to get rid of. -- dependeciees. I started

using tat nine-and-a-half years old. I used drugs for 22 years. For all

of my adult life. I started when I was maybe 12. I was on heroin for

15 years. I was addicted for 18 years. I used drugs on a daily

basis. There was one single day when I willingly didn't use. Once I

started I couldn't stop. If I was awake, I was drinking. I used

anything and anywhere, at any place, at any time. I couldn't cope with

life. Drugs helped me cope with life. It doesn't matter what you're

background is. It doesn't discriminate. Everybody, you know,

anybody can be affected by. It Drugs have no boundaries. Drugs can

affect anybody. They don't have to be poor. They don't have to live in

deprivation. Coming from a middle- class public school back ground I

never believed that addiction would get me. It did get me. I ended up

homeless, on the streets. It's all consuming. It's all I could think

about. When you are in that position, you are ridden with guilt

and shame with what you are doing I was a DOA, dead on arrival, I

clinically died. I don't know what this doctor was doing. He didn't

give up on me, when I flatlined. I came back into my body. I tried to

hang myself. I was taking a whole lot of drugs that were slowing down

my heart. On top of a whole lot of benzo and I was using heroin on top

of that. That combination had I was lucky enough to get a place

in a rehab. I detoxed. I haven't used since. Happy to say I haven't

used mood altering substances for coming on two years now. Over 10

months clean. I'm working as a supporter. I feel positive. I'm

making good steps to build a career for myself and a life beyond using

drugs. You can see life can get better. You can have a really

beautiful drug-free life. Do you know what I mean? With help and

support. If you reach a point in the pit of your stomach where you

know you want your life to change, make the leap. It will be the best

leap you ever made. It will be the biggest fight of your life, the

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE All right! I've come here because

obviously, you are the finale of the gig. There is no higher than we

can go. Before we wrap up the night's proceedings I want to thank

everyone that has participated tonight. Please applaud for Jessie

J, Noel Fielding, Kasabian, Simon Amstell, Jason Manford, Rizzle

Kicks, Eddie Izzard, Nicole Scherzinger, Emeli Sande, Jimmy

Carr, Jake Bugg, Frankie Boyle, Paloma Faith, Doc Brown and John

Bishop. Now, of course, thank you all very much for attending this

evening. Thanks all of you for watching at home. Thank you to our

beloved Amy Winehouse for inspiring this event. We have one more

opportunity to text 70005 text the word "give". Jack Whitehall, yeah

some locking... Come here, Jack. Do you know who I particularly enjoyed

this evening it was Jack Whitehall everyone.

APPLAUSE Jack Whitehall walking the

tightrope of saving people from drugs and consuming them. I bet

they spell his name right. Some people are respected artists.

Others we thought, save that "H for Scramble. Thank you for watching

and Comic Relief and all the people who put on this gig. Thank you to

everyone who dedicated that time. Thank you very much. Now, ladies

and gentlemen, to take us out of this wonderful evening, the poet